#(other than that they only had sex in purgatory which dean came to regret bc it made him realize he's not into cas like that

[horrorshow]

"when did destiel sex happen for the first time?" i love that i'm living so far in my own obscure deluded doomed by the narrative canon-compliant version of surprisingly wholesome but tragic destiel that the only right answer isn't even an option on polls: stanford era.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXII

It was a love story from the very beginning.

The Righteous Father

(14x05/15x06)

Hello my beloveds! Another meta from Healing!Dean season 14. This is a summary from my original metas from season 14, so I hope I can convey all the concepts for you.

I will talk mostly about Dean's daddy issues and how he will be able to break free about it as he accepts his love for Castiel.

You can check the metas from these two episode following these links: X, X, X, X, X.

Sharing Daddy Issues

"And this episode Logic Nightmares, was about fears... Did you see the woman trying to open the basement door... Darker than night, to see what was in there... In that dark and tenebrous place, and then she was scared him by that "vampire"? And she fell of fear... Well very symbolic bc... imagine Dean trying to open his most darkest room... His lost repressed feeling... But when he tries... He's attacked by his own fears... And he fails Everytime..."

I wrote this in one of my metas. That episode had Dean Winchester saying "Let it go... Like Elsa." It's related to MOVE ON. A topic that will be explored in season 15 with Dean and Castiel after their break up.

'Logic Nightmares' was about fears but also about daddy issues.

The fact that Sasha went to a dark room and found a monster hidden there, is a foreshadow for AUMichael hidden inside of Dean after 14x10 and also, AUMichael spying them though Dean Winchester's eyes. (That's why the reaction of the d'jin in this episode.)

The dialogue between Sasha and Dean in which Sasha were mirroring Dean was very meaningful:

SASHA: My dad wasn't the best person. He was gone all the time working. For us, he said (...)

DEAN: I'm sorry.

SASHA: Mm. That's what everyone says. Except him. Never said it. You want to know what the most ridiculous part is? I worshipped him when I was a kid.

This is Dean talking my friends from the very beginning. His view about hai dad, a man that tried to do his best, but even so, filled with trauma to his son's. And deep inside he was waiting for an apology from John.

And also...

Gif set credit @itsokaysammy

Dean's baggage is full of GUILT, REGRETS and TRAUMA. And the only one person we saw getting inside that baggage/backpack was Castiel in episode 13x20.

Also, the topic of MOVE ON, will be explored in season 15 after Dean and Castiel's break up.

This episode was full of recalling to John Winchester. It worked as a foreshadow of his next appearence in episode 14x13. The episode in which Sam and Dean will be able to forgive their father and heal.

We saw statues of Saint Mary and Saint Joseph in the crypt representing Mary and John Winchester.

And a blatant John Winchester mirror in Bobby...

Okay, let's jump now to episode 14x06... And how it was foreshadowing Dean's choice in episode 14x13.

Dean will choose Castiel

Harper was a Dean mirror, not just because the whole visual elements you can find in the colors of her outfits (she starts wearing red: toxic Dean and ends up wearing green: healing!Dean). But because her relationship with the place where she lived and her toxic bond with the zombie boyfriend.

I realized this episode had a lot of fables references on the wall. That's because we are seeing Dean learning the lesson of his life. Episode 14x04 was about fighting against fears and 14x05 about daddy issues. This episode is about making the right decision and choose your true love.

This was very important to understand episode 14x13 in which Dean decides between his Father, his past and his present family and Castiel. Of course he picked up Cas.

But, then the monster/toxic masculinity boyfriend came back...

"Once in the library what happened was symbolic too, bc Harper OPENED THE DOOR TO HIS TOXIC PAST AND THIS ZOMBIE GAVE HER THE BOOK AGAIN! I MEAN!! This is Dean coming back all over again to this big issue, embracing him, not letting go. This toxic idea of what a man should be, this toxic idea about NOT TALKING OF THE L WORD AND NOT FEELING IT FOR A MAN!"

Another important book was this one...

That book talking about laces (bond, profound Bond) and lances (Dean stabbing Castiel in the barn, love at first stab).

The symbolism here is huge and talks about Dean's inner fight.

From this episode I elqboretaed what I thought was THE MOVES and THE TALK. Because Jack was the innocent one here trying to understand about love.

The moves were related with Dean and CAS being glued and the talk is the one we were waiting for, it came as Dean's prayer in Purgatory 2.0 and Castiel's love confession (as a response to that prayer) in episode 15x18.

First of all, remember the place where Dean and Jack arrived for info. There was full of cocks (second meaning). Also two cocks facing each other to both side of Dean's head (AUMichael against Castiel fighting for Dean 🤣).

And do you remember that funny dialogue between the waitress and Dean and Jack.

JACK - What's courting?

DEAN - Hey, it's what you do before you start dating.

JACK - and that's the thing you do before the sex. (Dean and waitress both look at him oddly)

WAITRESS - Sometimes you just have the sex. (and grins)

DEAN - Okay, that's...Who is Harper Sayles?

That's very cute from Dean and Jack. Because both of them are innocent. Innocent love. Because Dean is not the man that hooks up with any waitress anymore. He even turned away the Cock's tail. Like he rejecting the idea. He is so in love with CAS. Jack and Dean's talk will continue when Jack asks him about Harper being in love with the nougat boy, and googly eyes. (Related to Dean and Cas almost continued eye fucking.) And then the last scene....

Gif credit @mishalocked

This scene was a blatant DEAN IS TALKING ABOUT CAS. DEAN SPEAKS WITH AUTHORITY ABOUT LOVE AND HE EVEN USES THE L WORD HERE. Dean is accepting his romantic love for the angel.

Harper's room was showing a little of Dean's innocent idea about love too. With all the stuffed animals in his room and the big green word AMORE live in Italian.

Another important foreshadow was Harper (this time dressed in green) writing a live letter to Jack, his true love while a love song was playing.

In retrospective, even when I. The letter Harper was chosing Jack over her toxicity, the song playing was a foreshadow of 15x18. I wrote this...

Sobbing, I think I was right...

To Conclude:

These two episode talked about daddy issues and Dean's inner fight that will end with Dean chosing Castiel and his present life against his toxicity and past.

It was full of foreshafows from season 15.

I hope you liked this summaries. If you wanna read more about these two episodes, please check the links at the beginning of this meta.

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you wanna be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 14 here you have the links...

Vol. CIX, CX, CXI.

Buenos Aires, May 9th 2021 2:46 PM

[astudyinfreewill]

“look what you made me do” 2/? | masterpost

aka: me making taylor swift songs about dean winchester and/or deancas bc it’s what dean himself would want

second song on deck, as promised; this one actually has quite a few cas beats in it, especially at the start, despite it having a dean vibe overall, so it should be interesting. again, bonus fanvid link at the end <3

this is me trying

i've been having a hard time adjusting i had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

ok, we start off strong with a couplet that could suit either dean or cas. “the shiniest wheels” is actually a perfectly fitting metaphor for a show that treats cars like emotional avatars of the people who drive them (i could so easily go into a digression about how the same thing happens in trc but this is the wrong post for that... how do i keep finding myself emotionally invested in car-fetishizing media while barely being a can-drive gay myself). ANYWAY, the first thing that comes to mind is the impala and how it’s pretty much synonymous with dean’s sense of self, how it gets wrecked and rebuilt over the course of the show, often tied in to his emotional state. and dean, well. he’s built up a lot of trauma over the years, but he’s also just getting older, as humans do.

on the other hand, we could also see it as a cas line - he’s not as much of a carfucker car aficionado as dean but he’s an adoptive winchester so hey, it still kinda works (rip to the pimpmobile, gone but not forgotten). what i MEAN is -- cas has been slowly falling from grace ever since season 4. he was becoming more human in season 5 already, with a grim prediction of his human future in 5x04; then lived as human for a while in season 7; then became completely human in season 9 before regaining his grace. but in season 15, again, his grace was apparently failing (boy it would be SUCH a shame if that plot point just, like... got dropped... 😐). substitute “wings” for “wheels” and you get a picture of someone who used to be this unstoppable, super-powered angel soldier that demons cowered in fear of, but has slowly become more human over time. as for “a hard time adjusting”... well, cas’ journey towards humanity has not been the easiest transition: it’s come with self-doubt, mental and physical pain, and of course, as he learned about love: heartbreak.

TL;DR: LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST AND THESE GUYS ARE TIRED.

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back; i have a lot of regrets about that

‘kay, this next part is definitely cas. cas who, as i mentioned in the previous post, just keeps leaving, whether that’s because he’s sacrificing himself or taking off on his own. and because that typically goes over like a lead balloon with dean, either because it leaves him grieving and traumatised or it plays right into his abandonment issues (or both - hello purgatory arc!), cas would be tentative about coming back. it’s also very apparent that castiel feels like the winchesters only value him for his abilities and powers (and after all, he’s been created to be a soldier), so if he feels like he’s not being helpful enough, he also tends not to feel wanted (again: dean wants him to stay, but cas wants to be asked to stay). plus, we know every time they’ve had a falling out it takes dean a bit to get over his anger (“dean, i thought i was doing the right thing”; “yeah, you always do”) so i don’t think cas takes his forgiveness for granted, especially if he has lied to him in the process (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode). “a lot of regrets”, indeed.

pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down; and maybe i don't quite know what to say, but i'm here in your doorway.

here, again, the car can easily work as a metaphor for someone’s emotional state. pulling over to take a breather, to try to assess things from a distance; and with lookout points so often being perched on steep hills, it’s easy to imagine the sense of vertigo, your own fear and self-doubt almost pushing you towards dangerous, self-destructive ideas. and we know cas doesn’t do things by halves - when he’s committed to something he believes is right, he goes all out. and yes, that has led to more than one falling out. 

but despite that - despite his worst fears telling him he should not come back to dean unless he’s “coming back with a win”, or able to protect him from harm (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode AGAIN), he does always come back to him. it’s the one thing that dean can always depend on, castiel finding his way back to him like dean is his true north. i’m here in your doorway; the please take me back once more is implied.

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

(and dean does take him back, because however many times castiel feels that he has failed in his mission, he always comes back and tries again, tries harder, tries to make it right or do it better. and that’s something dean relates to - fucking up in the worst ways and getting beaten down but always getting back up, always starting over, always trying again. in fact, he’s kind of the one who taught cas that. and with that-- we move over to the dean portion of this.)

they told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential

ah, it wouldn’t be a dean pov without some good old fashioned self deprecation. “all of my cages were mental” isn’t 100% accurate in dean’s case because he has been dealt a pretty shit hand by life, but he also excels at self-sabotage. “I got wasted” is of course an allusion to his alcoholism, but then we have the clever play on words with “wasted potential”, which... hits close to home. all dean’s ever done is tried to live up to what he thought he should be, always feeling like he was falling short. never quite the favourite son, never the man his father thought he should be, not strong enough to resist hell, not the righteous sword of michael the angels expected, not good enough for the people he loves not to leave him, just not enough.

and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad i have a lot of regrets about that

...as i said above: though dean does always forgive the people he loves, it still takes him quite a bit to get over his anger at them. and when he’s angry, he lashes out, often saying things that come off cruel, things he absolutely does not mean. and this part reminds me, yet again, of dean’s painful confession in 15x09, about how he gets so angry and doesn’t know why (of course, the answer is trauma and childhood abuse; but he has no way to process that); and he tries to stop it but he can’t, and he always, always regrets it in the end.

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here

oh, dean. dean winchester with his ged and his give ‘em hell attitude. he breaks my heart. i touched on this in my previous post, but there’s something to be said for the fact that dean had to grow up so fast, he really didn’t grow at all in some ways ( “so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”). from a young age he was shoved in a parental role, having to be both a father and mother to sam, which meant never getting to exist just for himself. which of course, in turn, means he never got to develop a healthy degree of emotional maturity. in “bad boys”, we find out that the only time dean even got close to being a normal teenager, receiving positive reinforcement by sonny and bonding with his peers, john ripped him right out of that safe haven; and by the time “after school special” is set in, he’s given up on ever getting a shot at a healthy environment, using denial as a coping mechanism by trying to pass off his and sam’s shitty, depressing lives as super edgy and cool.

pourin' out my heart to a stranger but i didn't pour the whiskey i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying at least i'm trying

i don’t really need to explain this bit i guess, but it’s about the implications of how it can somehow be easier to open up to a complete stranger rather than someone you care about; and how for dean, who is used to frequenting seedy bars and dives, one-night stands are as much about comfort than they are about pleasure. that’s the only way he knows how to let himself be touched, seen, held -- because of course, “no chick flick moments”, and besides, we know that when he falls in love he falls hard, so it’s safer to just roll in and out of town. 

the interesting part in this context though, is that “but i didn’t pour the whiskey”, especially since we know dean, like every other winchester, tends to drown out his problems with alcohol; so him choosing to not do that, and instead just look for comfort from a stranger (whether it’s through sex or just chatting away at a bar) is, in itself, a sign of trying to do better. because if there’s one thing dean knows how to do, is trying, and trying, and trying again. in fact, as i mentioned above, it’s kinda where cas learned it too. and we know dean is a stand-in for human nature, so of course, this is also a larger discourse of how humans are flawed and imperfect but can always improve, always do better, always try harder or be more. and maybe that’s what makes a righteous man, really.

and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

this next part... listen. i don’t know how it fits into the narrative of trying, but what i do know is i can’t stop thinking about grieving dean. about how every time he loses cas, a little piece of him dies too, but it’s a piece that gets bigger and bigger every time, carving a hollow inside him. it’s unsightly, it’s unforgiving, it’s raw - it’s like an open wound. and as much as dean has always taken on the role of the person who puts on a brave face, makes a joke, and pushes all his feelings down, well -- it’s hard to that; it’s hard to focus on anything else when he’s missing cas like a phantom limb. “all i want is you” which is to say i’d rather have you, cursed or not; which is to say, i need you. need you badly enough to see your face everywhere after escaping purgatory, just like “a flashback in a film reel”. 

and i just wanted you to know that this is me trying  (maybe i don't quite know what to say) i just wanted you to know that this is me trying; at least i'm trying.

so, yes. dean is trying. he’s always trying, even though healing and progress are not linear or easy. and he knows he’s got anger issues, he knows he’s bad with his words, but damn it, he always shows up for the people he loves, and he tries to do better, every. damn. time. partly because he’s us, he’s all of us, he’s human perfectibility incarnate; and partly because he loves cas so damn much and maybe if he gets it right this time he’ll get to keep him -- and i don’t know which of the two options makes my heart hurt the most.

---

fanvid rec link here! it’s only for the second half of the song, so the more dean-centric one :)