#(matthias kinda got that from her and he's got into trouble for that before)

[tkc-info]

Not An Actual Snippet™

@wagner-fell ngl rereading this, this is a horrible fic to post right before pride ups

Aaron's breath caught in his throat the moment Genevieve entered the Woolahams's drawing room. Involuntarily, he felt himself straighten.

Ever since Madeleine's sorry excuse of a funeral, he'd got used to seeing Genevieve's eyes filled with warmth and kindness. She'd been a good shoulder to lean on when his bereavement was too much, but now her amber eyes had frozen over. They showed no hint of the noble emotions they so easily bore as she briefly scanned the lavish drawing room, now darkened by the thick black drapes covering the windows and substituting the bright tabletops.

Genevieve's eyes went from black-clad Woolaham to black-clad Woolaham. She first looked at Mr. Woolaham, who was discreetly supporting himself on a table, wearing a very paled expression; then her eyes switched to Miss Drucilla Woolaham and her sister Miss Hannah, the former met Genevieve's eyes with an accusatory glare --Miss Hannah only tried to emulate her older sister's stance-- but Genevieve didn't spare her a second glance. Nor to Miss Pearl Woolaham, either. Her gaze fixed on Mr. Gaylord Woolaham, instead.

Aaron swallowed down hard. He'd tried so, so unbearably hard not to look at him all throughout his visit. It hadn't helped that Sydney had remained at home --to tend to Mother while in the last stages of her fragile state-- and therefore he couldn't spread his hand on the small of Aaron's back, as a means of grounding him to sanity. But Aaron had controlled himself from going to Gaylord and punching him senseless nevertheless. However now that Genevieve was looking at Gaylord...

Gaylord nodded at her once, curtly. "Miss McLelland, we hadn't expected you today," his mouth twitched slightly, making the scar below his left eye more visible for half a second.

It was a new scar. Aaron had been there when Genevieve caused it.

"I brought flowers for the deceased," Genevieve replied, in as indifferent a tone as Aaron had ever heard from her. For the first time, she drew attention to the wreath of flowers nestling in her arms: white and red chrysanthemums, daisies and hydrangeas stuck together with a ribbon as black as the gown Genevieve wore "I am also in mourning, Mr. Woolaham," she continued "I knew Miss Agnes Woolaham as I knew her twin sister."

Aaron caught Gaylord closing his hand into a fist.

"This is an Anglican's funeral," Miss Drucilla suddenly reasoned, though she didn't sound reasonable to Aaron. Only childish "You're not of our faith, Miss McLelland."

"My faith doesn't prohibit me from showing respect for the deceased nor from mourning them irrespectively of their religion. That's what I came to do."

It was then that Aaron felt prompted to action. Genevieve had quite a temper, much like himself, and unlike himself, she had no qualms about getting into a physical fight with women as well as men. He feared Miss Drucilla would end up with a scar twin to her brother's.

"I decided to extend an invitation to her," Aaron tried to settle a hand on Genevieve's shoulder, like he'd done times before with Maddie, but she was as tall as him and his palm involuntarily ended on her waist "You might know we're childhood friends, and I thought it good to have her support."

Genevieve nodded. "My religion would only bar me from attending on a Saturday, but it's Tuesday, so here I am."

Aaron thought the 'barring' aspect of her explanation was deceiving. Yesterday Genevieve had told him her Jewish denomination allowed her to attend non-Jewish ceremonies regardless of the day they fell on, but she was rather disinclined to attend Agnes's waking on Shabbat. She oughtn't do melakhah (which she'd translated as 'work' to appease Aaron and Sydney's cluelessness), and maintaining her composure upon meeting the Woolahams was the most arduous of tasks.

Aaron agreed with her, naturally.

"We shan't stop you," Gaylord said, in a tone far too close to contempt "But I advise you to make haste. Agnes was well-loved, and we would like to mourn her within the privacy of our family."

Genevieve looked around the room and the multiple non-Woolahams on it with a raised eyebrow. Abigail Hislop --who kept looking at Gaylord with knowing eyes-- and the other girls who had been friends with Agnes, as well as their respective families, were present. Wearing crucifixes while Genevieve had a star of David round her neck. All being supposedly normal and good, while Genevieve was a homosexual and 'wicked'.

Not that Genevieve seemed faced by Gaylord's shameless lies. "What a big family you have. I wonder where they were when the late Miss Madeleine passed away."

Aaron tried to keep a straight face. Carefully, he urged her to abandon Gaylord, and started saying, "Let us..."

"Madeleine was bad, but Agnes was good," a small voice said somewhere near Miss Drucilla and Miss Hannah's vicinity.

Indeed, a small boy's head peeked out from Miss Hannah's skirts. The youngest of the Woolahams was small even for a boy of seven; his hair was a very pale blond shade, and his skin had an unhealthy, deathly tone to it --as if he were seconds away from joining his older sister in a coffin. He looked as if about to cry, however much he tried to appear brave, and though he would've doubtlessly been clutching Miss Hannah's skirts, the blisters and red marks that covered his fingers made that impossible.

Such a sight stunned Aaron and Genevieve both. Her mask of indifference tumbled down to let on surprised worry and a quiet curse in Yiddish which drew the room's attention back to her.

Miss Hannah didn't hesitate to kneel down and shush Marcus. Although she employed a much gentler tone than Aaron would've expected from someone Gaylord held in high esteem, and she even wiped impending tears from young Marcus's eyes and quietly proposed to be led upstairs to a 'happier place'. But Marcus took a look at Gaylord --who shook his head slightly-- and, to Miss Hannah's displeasure, denied the offer.

Aaron recalled what Sydney had told him about Marcus, and his hate for Gaylord increased evermore.

"Villains will always find a way to twist history to their benefit," Genevieve whispered, loud enough for Gaylord and his remaining siblings (sans Miss Pearl, who'd dramatically retreated to a corner at the sight of Genevieve) to hear. But she didn't give them time to react, for she then added, in a tone everyone could understand "My visit will be brief. I'd loath to disturb your private mourning for much longer."

And with that, she motioned for Aaron to follow and walked the short distance to the middle of the room, where Agnes's coffin laid, open for all to see her one last time.

It pained Aaron to admit that she looked beautiful. Agnes --no, not Agnes, her corpse-- wore a pure-white gown a tad too big on her, and her hair had been let loose and it reached her ankles. Flowers covered her resting form; she wore them on her head, as a crown, around her hair, clasped between her hands, as the only touch of colour in the coffin. To Aaron, she'd always looked oddly sick (he'd heard many men say that added charm to her beauty, but, perhaps due to his homosexuality, he'd never understood what about fragility and illness was so alluring). However now, destiny had taken a cruelly ironic turn and for the first time, Agnes looked healthy. As healthy as a corpse could look, that is, but her shoulders weren't drooped, nor her eyes heavy with what Sydney had described as sadness so many times. Aaron had never believed him until now. For Agnes didn't look dead, she looked like she were in a peaceful slumber.

The only thing that disturbed the image was Mrs. Woolaham --who was sobbing on a handkerchief and murmuring 'my Agnes is gone, oh, she was so beautiful, my sweet Agnes is gone, oh, she's been taken from me' over and over again-- and Herr Werther, Agnes's would-be fiancé. Herr Werther's eyes were zeroed in on Agnes; he wasn't moving, hardly blinking.

"Madeleine never had the opportunity to look like this," Genevieve murmured, looking down at the corpse with a difficult expression "She should've been properly buried. She deserved to have looked like this."

Aaron ripped his eyes off the coffin to turn to her. "She wouldn't have looked like this," he whispered back.

"They're twins."

"I know that," he tried to find the right words. Genevieve was a relative stranger to Madeleine's life; she didn't know the ever-growing breach between the sisters, she had known the girl Madeleine had been at thirteen, but she didn't know who that girl had grown into. Aaron did, and he'd loved her as if he'd taken on Agnes's position as his own, and could never equal the corpse before them to Maddie.

Genevieve's eyes darkened with understanding before he could say anything. Her jaw hardened. "I see all these years I have been loving the memory of someone who didn't exist," she shook her head "But that doesn't matter."

Blinking fast, she carefully set her wreath inside the coffin. Aaron thought that would be it, but then she spoke, not to him but to Agnes's body:

"If you ever find Madeleine, and she consents to seeing you, tell her I never wished to have made you discover her secret. I beg you, tell her I was young, I never thought of where we were, and not a day passes in which guilt doesn't consume me for being the master of what happened and not having then taken her with me. You and your family were monsters to her, Miss Woolaham, but if it is true you died when you were notified of her passing, a part of you must have loved her; therefore please, relay my message to her."

Genevieve jerked back as if the coffin burned her. She hastened to rub away her tears with the ball of her palm, and looked at Aaron with suddenly-imploring eyes. They said everything: I can't be here any longer, I wish to go.

"We shall better step outside," Aaron said.

He gathered his strength enough to turn to Gaylord and Miss Drucilla --Mr. and Mrs. Woolaham seemed to be indisposed to listen to him-- to excuse themselves.

"That would be wise," Gaylord said, glaring at Genevieve for the briefest second. However, Miss Drucilla didn't say anything. She simply stared at the hand Aaron still had on Genevieve's waist with cold eyes.

They made haste to bid their goodbyes to the other attendants. Mainly the strictly necessary ones, such as Herr Werther (who remained entranced by Agnes's corpse) and the Woolahams. Gaylord shook Aaron's hand, and Miss Drucilla smiled at them with a kind of artificial precision, while Miss Hannah was too busy talking to young Marcus and kissing his wounded hands. Mrs. Woolaham refused to leave the coffin's side to bid them farewell, Mr. Woolaham showed no signs of wanting to talk to them, and Miss Pearl's sigh of relief when they left the drawing room could be heard even past the door.

Genevieve kept on walking and walking and walking until they reached the foyer, whereupon she stopped abruptly and turned on her heels to face Aaron. Her eyes were red. "When my parents learned of my feelings for women, they were surprised, but they loved me nevertheless. They don't love me any less now than they did before they learned of my homosexuality. Why can't they not do the same? Why do they cry for Miss Agnes but were relieved by Madeleine's passing? What was so good about Miss Agnes that Madeleine couldn't be spared half the love she received? What made her kissing me so--" Genevieve choked on her words.

Aaron was quick to put his arms around her; Genevieve tensed for a second, but then she collapsed against her chest and let her tears ran rampant. "Oh, Genevieve," he murmured.

That was the only thing he could say. Madeleine and Genevieve were very different women. Maddie had thought she deserved nothing, that feeling for the same gender what the people in her family felt for the opposite was inherently wrong and not something they'd all been taught to despise; Aaron had wanted to infuse her with an unapologetic feeling of love for who she was, and from there build up her confidence in a safe place. But Genevieve already knew that --her parents had taught her that lesson years ago-- and her safe place was McLelland Manor in Scotland, her home.

When Aaron had held Madeleine, she'd cried out of the inability to see an end to the torture her family were subjecting her to; but Genevieve wasn't like that. She was furious, and she cried because she couldn't burn the Woolahams's house with all of its putrid inhabitants instead. Aaron didn't have words fit to appease fury.

"I hate them. I hate them. I hate them," Genevieve whispered, over and over again.

"I know."

"I promise," she took a step back, pining her eyes on Aaron "She will live on. On my children, because I will have children. I'll name my first daughter Madeleine, and my second daughter Adele, and I'll tell them all --my daughters and my sons alike-- about her. If her family won't remember her and honour, then I will. I promise, Aaron. I promise."

"Genevieve," it was now Aaron who wanted to cry "That is--"

"The least I could do. Her heritage is now mine to maintain. It's the least thing I could do."

"Ours. Madeleine's heritage is now ours to maintain."

Through her tears, Genevieve smiled slightly. She nodded; opened her mouth, but when she spoke, it was far from what Aaron had expected. "What are you doing here?"

Aaron turned around.

Marcus was nay a few paces from them. He seemed to have heard their whole conversation.

[hakasims]

The Most Important Review of Every Single Marwan Kenzari Film

If you’ve seen this one about Luca, you know the drill.

Now, Marwan’s brand is a little less defined than Luca’s but I managed to find similar tropes in a lot of his films. Also, rather than copy myself and give you a redundant Marwanmeter, I decided instead to recommend which Luca character best pairs with each Marwan character for your crossover pleasure. Let’s see if we ship the same things! Some of them are crack. You’re welcome.

(all gifs again by the awesomely amazing @weardes​ who did not ask to be my gif factory but life’s a bitch)

Het zusje van Katia (2008)

Will you miss him if you blink? Kinda. They talk about him a lot but his actual screen time is like 43.7 seconds. Also can I just say... he’s supposed to be from Italy?? The boy says literally one (1) Italian word, and you’ll never guess what it is. (Obviously, it’s “bella” like there’s a chance he could’ve said anything else.)

Is he hot? Painfully hot.

Is he naked? There’s this one scene where he’s wearing the sluttiest pair of speedos I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Does his hair look great? Actually, yes. Perfect hair, perfect beard, he looks amazing.

Does he fuck? Yes, a lot - off screen, including an M/M/F threesome he presumably, probably, most definitely initiated.

Best paired with? From what I’ve gathered, this hoe ain’t loyal, so the best course of action is to find him a Luca that would benefit from a one night stand with no strings attached and wouldn’t fall in love with him. The obvious choice here is Valerio from Slam - Tutto per una ragazza. They meet, they fuck, then Giac makes his 4-hour drive back to Pisa, and they don’t see each other again until the next time he’s in Rome. Everybody’s happy, especially the two sluts in question.

De laatste dagen van Emma Blank (2009)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, absolutely.

Is he hot? Very.

Is he naked? Almost constantly.

Does his hair look great? He’s got those cute short curls, he looks so good.

Does he fuck? That’s literally why he’s there: to fuck and to die.

Best paired with? Man, I wish I had something to work with here. The only thing we know about him besides his sexual prowess is his affinity for white suits and toy helicopters. And as far as I know, those might be the exact things Fabrizio from Nina finds hot in guys. So like, why not?

Loft (2010)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character.

Is he hot? Yeah, sure.

Is he naked? There’s a scene where he’s wearing underwear and a tank top but it somehow makes him look like a kindergartener.

Does his hair look great? It looks quite nice.

Does he fuck? Yes, though I wish he didn’t.

Best paired with? Tom is a very violent person and a drug addict. He does messed up stuff to his sexual partners I’d rather he didn’t do to any of Luca’s characters. Feel free to use him for your sadistic fantasies or as a villain or whatever.

Rabat (2011)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s one of the three leads.

Is he hot? Oh yes! And cute!

Is he naked? He’s at the beach wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

Does his hair look great? He’s got this extreme undercut thing that would look ridiculous on anyone less pretty, so like no, he doesn’t have great hair, but also like it’s Marwan, you know what I mean?

Does he fuck? Before he embarks on a road trip with his friends, he has an offscreen threesome with two girls he picked up at a wedding. Slut.

Best paired with? Gabriele from Waves. They’re both sweet guys who could meet in some Tunisian port and decide to sail the Mediterranean Sea together.

Black Out (2012)

Will you miss him if you blink? Not unless your blinking is very deliberate.

Is he hot? Not really. He’s a dirty cop with a shitty moustache and oral fixation.

Is he naked? No, but I wish he was: his clothes are awful. Marwan is 29 in this movie and he looks 50!

Does his hair look great? Nope. They took Marwan’s usual short hair and made it not work somehow.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? The one thing Luca’s characters all have in common is that none of them come off as bootlickers. All of them are either too soft for such a relationship or wouldn’t waste their spit on a cop.

Wolf (2013)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? *gestures wildly at the gif*

Is he naked? He’s got quite a few shirtless scenes.

Does his hair look great? It’s nothing special but suits his character well.

Does he fuck? Oh yes.

Best paired with? Hear me out. I know that some people ship him with Fabio, but in my opinion that pair, while hot, doesn’t work. Here’s my pitch: Cesare from Non essere cattivo. The drug connection is still there, but in this case Majid’s problem-solving skills won’t fall on deaf ears. Cesare needs a daddy, ok? Majid can be a daddy when he needs to, especially when he has a soft boyfriend to care for. And Majid needs soft, not psycho.

Hartenstraat (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist once again.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? There’s that iconic scene where he’s wearing nothing but black boxer briefs and boots while carrying a tray...

Does his hair look great? He’s got Joe-like curls and looks like what every male romantic lead should aspire to look like and then cry because they all fail.

Does he fuck? There’s one very unfortunate sex scene played for laughs. I’m pretty sure he’ll need therapy afterwards. I certainly do.

Best paired with? Paolo from Il padre d’Italia. Paolo deserves the best boyfriend, and who’s better than Daan, an extremely hot man who cooks? They both have daughters, so they can talk about that, I guess, and Paolo can finally have a family. Honestly, this is so wholesome I just made myself cry.

Lucia de B. (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? For sure.

Is he hot? He’s a cop. Again. But he looks good.

Is he naked? Fully dressed, but man are his clothes ugly. Is that a cop thing?

Does his hair look great? He has slightly longer curls, which is fine and the best thing about this character.

Does he fuck? ACAB. (I know this doesn’t answer the question, I just wanted to make it clear.)

Best paired with? See my bootlicker comment from earlier. While Detective *checks notes* Ron Leeflang isn’t explicitly corrupt, he’s obviously a dick, so the best I can do here is recommend any Luca character that has ever been in trouble with the law for any fics about power imbalance you want to write but aren’t comfortable with a nice Marwan playing the villain.

Bloedlink (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Oh no, he’s there the entire time.

Is he hot? In a weird way, yes.

Is he naked? So, so, so naked. Like, leave nothing to the imagination naked.

Does his hair look great? I’d say that little rat tail is the exact opposite of great.

Does he fuck? Probably more than is good for him. I should also add that he’s canonically queer in this.

Best paired with? Rico is a pathetic loser in need of someone who’s got his life together and has a lot of experience dealing with fuckups. Enter Loris from Il mondo fino in fondo. He has a stable job and a savior complex, and with his little bro gaying it up in Chile and not needing him anymore, all he wants right now is someone to fix. I should be a fucking matchmaker in real life, for real.

Pak van mijn hart (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Undoubtedly.

Is he hot? No. The whole point of his character is to be the lesser choice compared to a guy who looks like a completely ordinary bland white dude...

Is he naked? ...so of course he isn’t naked! What, are they gonna take this poor woman, show her Marwan Kenzari’s post-Wolf body and expect her to choose her deeply mediocre ex? Please! They’re gonna dress him in the dorkiest clothes possible...

Does his hair look great? ...and make him wear the most awful wig that was clearly run over by a truck.

Does he fuck? No. As you can observe, they tried really hard to make him unfuckable, but honestly, he seems like a perfectly nice guy.

Best paired with? You know what? Mattia from La solitudine dei numeri primi is in desperate need of some sweetness and normalcy. I’m sure Richard will treat him with kindness and respect.

Collide (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character. Out of five.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? Not for a second! What’s up with American movies where people aren’t just casually walking around naked without any plot necessity???

Does his hair look great? His curls are so cute you guys! Look at them!

Does he fuck? Not explicitly.

Best paired with? Fabio from Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot. Again, the drug connection is there, but Matthias is soft enough not to butt heads with Fabio and, by the end of the movie, rich enough to satisfy his cravings for good living and fame. Also look at how good their color coordination is with those dark wine red clothes! Sometimes planets just align, okay?

Ben-Hur (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, especially if you aren’t watching the background.

Is he hot? Your usual Marwan hot.

Is he naked? No.

Does his hair look great? His typical short curls with a twist. I think the forehead area is supposed to invoke the Caesar cut? I don’t know. It looks fine when not hidden under that dumb helmet.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? A better script and a much better director. (Seriously, what is this blocking?)

The Promise (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there a decent amount in the first half of the movie and then almost completely disappears in the second half.

Is he hot? Very much, yes.

Is he naked? Unfortunately, no.

Does his hair look great? He’s got short curls again, but this time they’re fashionably styled, it’s magnificent.

Does he fuck? Oh yeah! And there’s no way he isn’t bi or pan in this. No way.

Best paired with? Roberta from L’ultimo terrestre. Listen, Emre Ogan may be a slut but he’s a gentleman, okay? He’d treat Roberta right and he’s got daddy’s cash to spare on hundreds of gorgeous white dresses for her.

The Mummy (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there, but barely.

Is he hot? Dangerously hot.

Is he naked? Not once! Instead we get a naked Tom Cruise literally no one asked for.

Does his hair look great? It’s your basic professional short hairdo.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Malik is a member of an organization tracking and destroying various monsters and historical artefacts related to them. Guido from Tutti i santi giorni speaks four languages, including Latin, and is a literature and ancient history nerd which makes him a valuable asset. Malik can fight and protect; Guido is bumbling and in need of saving. Guys, this writes itself.

What Happened to Monday (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, especially not in the third act.

Is he hot? He’s okay.

Is he naked? Very naked.

Does his hair look great? They shouldn’t have greased his curls back. He looks like another victim of Fabio Cannizzaro’s stylist. Also I wish he’d either shaved or finished growing out that beard.

Does he fuck? He fucks and he fucks good. He’ll go down on you, he’ll deflower you slowly and gently, he’ll choke you if you want him to, he’ll spoon you all night, he’ll give you emotional support, he’ll murder people for you - he’s down for whatever.

Best paired with? There’s one Luca character who needs a lot of sex and even more emotional support. Alright, most of them do, but I’m thinking of Ettore from Lasciate andare. He needs it, okay? Good dicking, good spooning, a good ear, a fine piece of ass to cry into - you get the gist. Most importantly: someone who’d love him for who he is and with whom he could relax and be himself. (Also, I see you, people comparing him to Fabio. Shame on you for sleeping on this soft boy and judging him based on his appearance.)

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s kinda always present, being very French.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? No, but I’m willing to forgive that because he looks so good in his conductor uniform.

Does his hair look great? He never takes off his hat.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Mickey Miranda. They’re both murderers morally dubious characters who would look hot together. What else do you need? (Again, I see you, people who want Pierre for Roberta because he’s a “nice guy”, and I know for a fact you didn’t watch the movie. Spoilers, I guess.)

The Angel (2018)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? Oh yes.

Is he naked? Not once, but you won’t regret it because he’s wearing excellently stylish 1970s clothes.

Does his hair look great? It looks fantastic. The sideburns (not yet seen here) are a good touch.

Does he fuck? He can definitely get it, but he’s loyal to his wife.

Best paired with? As the most aesthetically coherent and fashionably hot pair in this post, Ashraf and Primo are a no-brainer. Can you imagine Primo calling him “Angel” in different contexts? When he’s being intimidating, not realizing how palpable the sexual tension between them is, and later not even hiding his arousal? Sometimes things just work because they’re hot. That’s all, folks.

Aladdin (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the main villain.

Is he hot? It’s not like he went viral for being the “hot Jafar” or anything.

Is he naked? No! Fucking thanks a lot, Disney.

Does his hair look great? He has a buzz cut under that turban but he looks good in the turban, so that’s something.

Does he fuck? It’s a Disney movie, so he doesn’t fuck - explicitly or otherwise - but he still comes off as a thirsty bitch.

Best paired with? Jafar ends the movie as a genie who’s obligated to grant his master three wishes but is enough of a petty bitch to exploit the hell out of the “gray area” and screw them over Wishmaster style. My unconventional pair for him is Lui from Ricordi? So many scenarios with distorted memories and magic-induced mindfuck. So many possibilities for awesome and messed up crossover gifsets! Don’t say I never give you guys anything.

Instinct (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s very prominent.

Is he hot? I hate myself for finding him hot but I do.

Is he naked? He’s playing basketball shirtless in one scene, shaking his sweaty boobs everywhere.

Does his hair look great? His weird mohawk-like thing is honestly terrible, but if anything can make it work, it’s Marwan’s bone structure.

Does he fuck? Um, I’m pleading the Fifth on this one for the sake of good taste.

Best paired with? Prison. A very lonely, Luca-less prison.

The Old Guard (2020)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, unless blinking in your case means sleeping through the gloriousness that is the first ever canonically gay couple in an American action film.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? Shirtless in one scene.

Does his hair look great? Soft curls courtesy of Luca Marinelli’s tireless lobbying.

Does he fuck? Not on screen, but you can just tell by the way he looks at his husband and reads impromptu poetry right to his face. And everybody knows nothing kindles the fires of passion quite like murdering homophobes together.

Best paired with? If you have to ask, you’re clearly reading this by mistake. In which case, kudos for finishing such a long and confusing post, now go watch The Old Guard and cry at the beauty that is The Immortal Marriage.

[ranpoismyblorbo]

Songs as book characters: A Series

(did I absolutely and totally steal this idea from @wraithnknives ?? Yes. Yes I did. Am I sorry?? No. No I am not (unless of course she has a problem with in which case im very very sorry I'll stop rn-)

Brutal as the Crows

I'm so insecure I think

That I'll die before I drink

And I'm so caught up in the news

Of who likes me and who hates you

All of the crows are insecure about something in their lives for example Wylan is insecure about whether he actually belongs with them or not, Nina is insecure about whether she is betraying her country by her actions, same for Matthias and so on

They are all always on the alert for any news about the ongoings of people in the Barrel because they have to be, because one tiny gap in information could end up taking someone's life.

And I'm so tired that I might

Quit my job start a new life

And they'd all be so disappointed

Cuz who am I if not exploited

These lines just really remind me of Inej because she often thinks about just leaving and letting the Dregs chase her for retribution because she is just so tired of being the Wraith and she actually feels like the Crows (specifically Kaz) just keep her around because she's useful and that's how it's supposed to be anyways so she can't complain.

And I'm so sick of 17

Where's my fucking teenage dream

If someone tells me one more time

"Enjoy your youth" I'm gonna cry

I mean.....do I REALLY need to explain this one?? It's kinda obvious-

And I don't stick up for myself

I'm anxious and nothing can help

These two lines just remind me of Wylan and how he continuously feels like he doesn't belong here and let's be honest he's the softest of the six (in a "hardened criminal" way not a "can't handle a situation" way)

And I wish I'd done this before

And I wish people liked me more

Idk who this is about specifically but idk it just gives me the vibes ok (although the "I wish I'd done this before" part kinda feels like either Wylan finally actively going against his dad or Inej finally using her trauma and what she used to do to cope (disappear into herself) as a weapon)

All I did was try my best

This the kind of thanks I get

Unrelentlessly upset

So........all of them and their entire lives.

They say these are the golden years

But I wish I could disappear

Ego crushes so severe

God, it's brutal out here

The same thing, everyone says that our teen years are the best years or "golden" years of our lives but that wasn't the case for them (and honestly not most people)

"Ego crushes so severe" is an absolute Kaz line everytime his plans deviated or had to be changed quickly in SoC/CK. And the brutal part is again clear.

I feel like no one wants me

And I hate the way I'm percieved

The first line is Jesper because of everything he has done and all the trouble he has got his father into and how he's disappointed in himself.

The second line is Inej because while she is always satisfied when she is anticipated or feared/made preparations for by a rival, she still doesn't like her name in the Barrel, the Wraith and she doesn't like being a killer but has had to be. Also she is disappointed in herself for being satisfied whenever she gets a win in any way as the Wraith because she feels her parents wouldn't love her anymore because of it.

I only have two real friends

And lately I'm a nervous wreck

They all only have true friends in each other and let's be honest they were all absolutely on edge at basically all points of time during the events of the duology (except Jesper, he was only on edge (in a nervous way) once his dad was involved lol)

Cuz I love people I don't like

Helnik anyone??

And I hate every song I write

And I'm not cool and I'm not smart and I can't even parallel park

I have no clue for the first one but the second one is how Wylan feels around them because he feels like he doesn't belong and continuously asks himself what he's doing there

All I did was try my best.......It's brutal out here

It's a repeat

Got a broken ego, broken heart

And God I don't even know where to start

So at the end of SoC/beginning of CK everyone was really sad and angry etc because of Inej's kidnapping and Kaz was absolutely broken hearted and none of them knew where exactly to start planning (I mean ok Kaz DID make a plan but you get my point)

Anyways idk I was listening to this while trying to take a nap and I suddenly got this idea (it WAS in my Six of Crows playlist but I got THIS idea just then) so yea idk I feel good about this lol

[tatselk]

PSOH Passage Hen: Chapter 3 “Discipline”

After a long hiatus, get ready for an equally long post. As always, I’m not sure of the exact spelling of pretty much all the names.

SUMMARY

1. This chapter revolves around Kalina, a young girl from the countryside who just moved to Paris and is living with her older cousin, Tajianna. Kalina first gets to know Sofu D as she works at a patisserie, which Sofu visits, and is asked to make a delivery to the pet shop.

2. After leaving the pet shop, Kalina chanced upon Tajianna and a man. Tajianna introduces him as Matthias, a student at the University of Paris. Matthias asks Tajianna and Kalina to dinner later that day and promises to bring a friend along. Kalina assumes that Matthias is Tajianna’s boyfriend. As Kalina is worried that she does not have the proper clothes to dine out in, Tajianna loans Kalina her own clothes. At the dinner, Matthias introduces his friend, Damian, who is a law student at the University of Paris.

3. After the dinner, Tajianna tells Kalina that Damian is not a good catch, as it would take a long time for him to achieve material success as a lawyer or civil servant. In comparison, Matthias is better as he studies literature and is set to inherit his family’s fortune. Tajianna ended their conversation by mentioning that their family’s financial troubles would be over if they can find a rich man to depend on.

4. One day, Damian goes to see Kalina at the patisserie and invites her out to dinner later that day. Kalina rejects him by saying that she has to do her part-time job of sewing. Damian then hands Kalina a small box and leaves. Kalina opens the box and wonders what the contents of the box are. Sofu D randomly sneaks up behind Kalina and informed her that the contents of the box are Calissoms, which are almond biscuits from Provence.

5. The story cuts to Damian and Kalina going out. As they were walking across a bridge, they saw Tajianna behaving intimately with a random guy. Kalina was confused as to why Tajianna is with this guy if she is already in a relationship with Matthias. Damian is surprised at Kalina’s confusion.

6. The next scene then cuts to Kalina confronting Tajianna about the latter working as a social escort. Tajianna defends herself by saying that what she is doing is different from prostitution and that all young women working in Paris engage in such work to earn extra money. Kalina hurriedly returns the clothes, which Tajianna had lent her earlier, as she feels that they are tainted. Tajianna got angry and said that as Kalina also wishes to send money to her family back home, she might as well engage in such work too. At this point, Tajianna suddenly feels nauseous and we discover that she is pregnant.

7. We then cut to Tajianna telling Matthias about her pregnancy. Doubting the baby is his, Matthias gives Tajianna some money to get an abortion and leaves. Tajianna commits suicide by jumping into the Seine. We then see Kalina at Tajianna’s funeral. Damian attends the funeral and Kalina asks him where Matthias is. Damian informs her that Matthias has returned home to marry his fiancée. Upset, Kalina pulled away from Matthias and said that, “All men are the same”.

8. Kalina returns back to her rented apartment. However, she was kicked out as she could not afford to pay the rent which the landlady asked for. Whilst out on the streets, Kalina bumped into a sleazy old guy who propositioned her. She pushed him away in disgust, ran off and was nearly knocked down by a passing carriage. Luckily, Sofu turned up in time to pull Kalina to safety.

9. Back at the petshop, Sofu offered Kalina a pet to comfort her in her grief over Taijianna. Kalina protested that she could not afford the pet and expressed the wish of wanting to make lots of money and showing everyone what she was made of, in order to seek revenge for herself and Tajianna. How could Sofu pass up the opportunity to grab such a customer?

10. Sofu brought Kalina to a backroom of the petshop where there were many beautiful and finely-dressed women. Kalina freaked out, thinking Sofu brought her to a brothel. Sofu noted that the women are powerful demimondaines and basically convinced Kalina that to achieve her goals, she should become one of them. What followed was an intensive course of training by these women (I’m gonna refer to them as “petshop trainers” for lack of a better term) to transform Kalina into a demimondaine.

11. We then cut to Sofu visiting Victor at his place. In return for promising to show Victor the Beast of Gévaudan, Sofu wrangled an invitation from Victor to a special performance at the Paris Opera for both himself and Kalina for Kalina’s “debut”. Kalina managed to charm the masses and after the performance, lots of people swarmed around Victor asking after Kalina. Victor told them that Kalina is a distant relative of his who was in Paris for a visit.

12. Post-Opera, Victor visited the petshop to drop off a whole bunch of letters, which Kalina’s admirers left with him. To be able to pass herself off as a lady with her admirers, Sofu brought Kalina round to various establishments to give her real-life practice of interacting with people in that guise. Kalina managed to do so admirably; even her former bosses at the patisserie where she worked at did not recognise her.

13. Whilst out and about with Sofu, Kalina also met Damian who didn’t recognise her at first. When he did, he was disappointed and said, “So you are just a prostitute after all.” Kalina slapped Damian in anger and ran off in the carriage with Sofu. Sofu and Kalina’s next stop was the Eiffel Tower. Sofu’s point was basically to show Kalina that metaphorically, she could be above all of Paris/ rule over Paris and hence strengthen Kalina’s resolve to become a first-class demimondaine.

14. Kalina’s efforts paid off when she received invitations from two grande dames of Parisian high society. Kalina needs to impress at least one of them so that she would have an entrée into Society. Whilst attending a ball hosted by one of these grande dames, Kalina saw Matthias who didn’t recognise her from before and was asking her to dance. She freaked out and nearly blurted out the whole thing that happened with Matthias and Tajianna (which would have blown her cover of being Victor’s relative). Luckily, an animal from the petshop, in the guise of a young male escort, cut in in time and asked her to dance.

15. After meeting with the two grande dames, Kalina was thoroughly unimpressed. One is a countess of the ancien regime who is wrapped up in the glories of the past/ overly concerned with pedigree to care about things in the present, like caring for her son. The other is basically a nouveau riche who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. When speaking to her petshop trainers about the snobbish attitudes of these grande dames and the other upper-class people whom she has met, Kalina described them as hungry animals which are regarding their prey.

16. Time for some good, old fashioned petshop-related deaths! The Parisian high society/ jungle analogy continues. On a night of the full moon, the young male escort I mentioned from before shape-shifted into a hyena and attacked his sugar mommy. Similar violent attacks by hyenas occurred all over Paris.

17. From the newspapers brought in by a shocked Victor the next morning, we learnt that a fire destroyed the manor of the countess, the nouveau riche was ruined by a failed investment and that eyewitnesses saw the shadows of large, hound-like figures on the streets near certain manors. But all Victor really cared about was whether the hound-like figures were the Beasts of Gévaudan (which Sofu had promised to show him) and if so, why didn’t they come to HIS manor so that he could see them. -_-‘’ Sofu wryly noted that if the Beasts did visit Victor, he won’t even be at the petshop at that point.

18. Upon finding out about the fall of the two grande dames, Kalina went into philosophical musings about the fleeting nature of fame and fortune etc. and wondered about what path she should take from now on. Kalina started binge-eating some stuff nearby and found a box of biscuits which were the same kind as the Calissoms Damian had given her. Even though Kalina was angry that Damian had called her a prostitute, she was also happy that he was the only person who could still recognise her, even after the transformation she went through. 1 year later, we (and Damian) discover that Kalina had enrolled at the University of Paris, with the aim of securing suffrage for women in France. And, uhh, I guess they lived happily ever after?

THOUGHTS

1. So far, this is my favourite chapter in Passage Hen as: (i) the themes of poverty and prostitution inject a dose of realism into the series and remind us that late 19th century Paris was not all about patisseries, aristocrats and parties (on a sidenote, was strongly reminded of the story of Fantine from Les Miserables by what happened to Tajianna); and (ii) it is nice to see Sofu D liking and actually helping out a human, since he doesn’t seem to have done that before.

2. It was kinda amusing that upon seeing Sofu and Kalina in the same opera box as Victor, the people at the Opera immediately assumed that Victor was carrying on with both of them.

3. When Victor was being bombarded by questions about Kalina and lying about her being his distant relative, someone said, “So that means she is not your lover??” Victor’s response was, “Oh no, of course not. If not, how could I sit together with Count D?” And someone was all, “Ehh!? What does that mean?” Yes, Victor, could you please be less cryptic and tell us exactly what you mean by that??? 0_0

4. Petshop-related (metaphorical) deaths/ ruins finally happened! You didn’t think Sofu was really only hanging around in Paris for the sweets and cakes, did you? XD

5. I’m not sure if Victor NOT receiving a visit from Sofu’s hyenas attests to him being an adorable cinnamon roll who ought not to be punished or to if it shows Sofu’s (secret) attachment to him. HMM…

[rubisaurus98]

speed demon if no one’s said it yet, and if they have, then zura/ayame!

I went ahead and did both!

Zura and Ayame:

Gives nose/forehead kisses: Ayame!

Gets jealous the most: Zura. Ayame liked teasing her for it, and a bit of jealousy did play a part in how they hooked up in the first place.

Takes care of on sick days: I think it’s equal in terms of effort put in? Like Zura insisted on staying with a sick Ayame despite protests and insisted to Aya that she’ll be fine alone while she’s the sick one. When Aya actually did leave, she set out so many remedies, from standard chicken soup to herbal remedies her parents have used on her and her brother Suisen growing up. And also messaged said brother to check up on her until she gets back.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: Zura loves the sea.

Brings the other lunch at work: Zura would after Ayame got promoted to Rex’s Vice-Captain and subsequently got busier.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: Zura. She suggested Ayame use her “Vice-Captain” persona in bed...which puts an actual mental strain on Aya most of the time. So that, plus how spontaneous Aya made it, was a rarity in itself.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: AYAME, holy shit. Zura would have more videos of her...if she wasn’t Ayame’s go-to dance partner.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: Ayame kinda did. They’d only do one if Zura also agreed to it, and Z didn’t leave many choices.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Neither of them really did this.

Makes the other eat breakfast: Again, neither really missed breakfast. Rex was a pretty lenient superior and Zura didn’t care too much about Owen yelling at her.

Remembers anniversaries: They’re both pretty good at remembering them.

Brings up having kids first: They didn’t even get that far before Ayame died. Both were separately considering marriage after seeing Matthias and Alastor, then Rex and Rowena. If they did get married, probably Ayame would bring it up first after getting caught up in Rex gushing about his daughter.

Kills the bugs: Well, Zura would, if Ayame “raised in a flower shop” Sorano didn’t always insist on catch-and-release.

First to define them as a couple: They never said anything. They just made it very physically obvious to everyone around them.

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: By default, Zura. Because Ayame had to explain hers to Zura to clarify a misunderstanding right before they started dating. Ayame’s is floriography/flower language and Zura’s is...like really dark chocolate or something like that.

Snorts while laughing: If you really get her laughing ‘til it hurts, Zura does.

Speed Demon:

Gives nose/forehead kisses: Karl does!

Gets jealous the most: I’m gonna go with Karl on this one, and it’s not even very often. Ren’s a flirty fucking troll. He understands that. And she’s toned down the flirting with other people once those people get significant others. He starts getting the slightest bit jealous if she’s really messing with another person, gets a kind of “Why can’t you do that more to me?” feeling and it shows itself subtly in wanting to be in her presence more and being a little more dominant/rougher in bed. Does Ren mind? Kinda at first, until they actually had a talk about it.

Takes care of on sick days: They both handle their own sicknesses by themselves pretty well, but the other always lets them know they’re just a call away if they need anything. Karl does check in more with her than the other way around.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: Oh, Ren, definitely. Will drag him into it, may tackle him into the sea. Did quite a bit of that on their honeymoon.

Brings the other lunch at work: Excuse you, they make plans to leave the office for lunch. Or at least they try to. If one’s getting held up, the other goes out and gets something for them.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: Ren. At least 51% of the time. From Halloween: “Looks like you finally caught me, Officer~” And Karl never fails to make it start taking a turn for the sappy.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: I honestly can’t see either of them being this.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: It’s not so much Karl “firmly believes in it”, it’s more so he’s usually the one to suggest it. Ren asks if he has something in mind. If not, then they don’t do one until someone has an idea.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Both of them try not to. They really try not to. But if one sees something that just reminds them of the other so much, resisting the urge to buy it is a battle.

Makes the other eat breakfast: Oh, Renata’s like this with everyone. Do not tell her you skipped a meal.

Remembers anniversaries: They’re both pretty good with this. They try to have the day clear for it.

Brings up having kids first: Would you believe it was Ren? Right after they both cooled down from the process that starts it.

Kills the bugs: Both. One of them *cough*RENATA*cough* is just more dramatic with it with the use of freaking laser beams.

First to define them as a couple: Karl. In front of everyone. Right before the fight with Lucius. Karl: “My girlfriend is so strong and AWESOME!” Everyone else: “GIRLFRIEND?!”

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: Let’s be real, they probably knew each other’s guilty pleasures long before they started dating.

Snorts while laughing: I can’t imagine either of their laughs being like that, but Ren has more trouble containing hers, if that’s anything.

[anissabjorgman-blog]

matthais x anissa!!

General:

Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - forever. they will fight for that love

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - they had issues trusting one another at first but then pretty fast

How was their first kiss? - It led to them having sex…so great. a lot of sparks 

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Matthias

Who is the best man/men? - Victor? Maybe his brother?

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Ellie!! Maybe Zara and Gigi but Ellie 100%

Who did the most planning? - Anissa but Matthias helped

Who stressed the most? - Anissa?

How fancy was the ceremony? - OKAY SO IT DEPENDS. I feel they are going to be hella extra or super lowkeyBack of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Anyone who does not support them

Sex:

Who is on top? -  Matthias mainly but Anissa sometimes

Who is the one to instigate things? - Both? Matthias is more forward about it where Anissa does stuff to tease him/get him in the mood

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - like a whole day lol. they are very intimate and enjoy cuddling/smoking/reading, etc after sex. plus they kinda never put their clothes back on after unless they have to so they likely do a few rounds

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - YES

How rough are they in bed? - (It’s either making love or fucking)Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - as many as they can (possibly become the Duggars)

How many children will they adopt? -  One or two!

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Equal/they may have a nurse/nanny

Who is the stricter parent? - They are both pretty soft I feel

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Anissa 

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Anissa

Who is the more loved parent? - Both for different reasons!!!

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?- Both!

Who cried the most at graduation? - Anissa would be sobbing 

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - MATTHIAS

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Anissa but Matthias likes to cook for her

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Neither

Who does the grocery shopping? - Anissa

How often do they bake desserts? - Anissa always has desserts in da house

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Salads? But  I feel like Matthias is likely more of a meat eater

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Matthias

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Matthias

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Matthias omg

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - They both like things #clean

Who is really against chores? - Neither

Who cleans up after the pets? - Matthias?

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Neither, maybbeee Matthias if he was in a hurry

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Anissa

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Matthias

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? -  Hmm I feel like they end up taking them together so both the same

Who takes the dog out for a walk? -  They go together. They like walks.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Anissa does it every holiday without fail.  Matthias lets her no questions asked. 

What are their goals for the relationship? - Get married, have kids, support each other’s dreams and go against the odds 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - They both enjoy days in bed but I feel they both are normally early birds. Unless Matthias was rough the night before then Anissa is sleeping until noon.

Who plays the most pranks? - They are both playful with each other. I can see them both playing the odd joke on each other 

@westerxgaard