#(look look I did the angst thing and it went on waaay too long)

[lunanoc]

im intrigued by literally every single one of your wips but i want to know about the dmbj time travel and abo ones (and also the sleep fic, if you need an excuse to talk about it 👀)

to be honest i've had a look at what these wips are because i didn't even fully remember some of them, so the abo ones are actually just two versions of the same thing 😭 so since someone else asked, the abo one explanation is here"

"dmbj time travel" is the first ever dmbj i ever started writing waaay back when i hadn't even finished the dramas yet and it shows. i want to fix it because i like the basic idea behind it, it just needs A Lot of reworking because the characterization is uh. yeah. so no snippets from this one even if it's technically like 14k or something

it's supposed to be canon time travel where for some reason (i'm not sure yet since it's getting revamped) post-restart yucun wu xie, xiaoge, and pangzi transmigrate back into their own bodies from the start of canon (so think even before jin wantang comes to wu xie with the copy of chen pi ah si's silkbook) except none of them know the other two remember. it's supposed to feature, among other fun things:

wu xie and existential crisis #476, is this real life or it is just snake fantasy?

unresolved sanshu tension™️ part 3 because good things come in threes because wu sanxing is still around at this point, and for all he's resolved most of his grievances about his uncle, wu xie doesn't quite know how to face him, partly because their relationship carries so much baggage, partly because he knows how shrewd wu sanxing is, which leads into wu xie rushing into wu sanxing's shop with the silkbook becoming a 4d chess conversation where both parties are aware on different levels that the person they're talking to is hiding things. something something wu xie notices wu sanxing test for a face mask etc

because pingxie are established at this point, and because so far no one else has remembered anything except wu xie, xiaoge angst™️ the remix and wu xie thinking he'll have to love him from afar again

which leads into sand sea wu xie™️ the remix, because if he's gone that far back, why not take on the wangs earlier than planned

the scene that's the reason why this even exists an excuse, wu xie and xiaoge (who didn't meet in front of wu sanxing's shop like the first time bc wu xie was too busy playing 4d chess with himself) realizing at some point on the trip to the seven star palace that they both remember because wu xie decides to test their shared knocking code language on a whim. and then xiaoge looks at him. and they both have A Moment that they can't express because they're not supposed to know each other

another scene where they're both bastards who decide to troll pangzi when they meet with him, partly to test whether or not he remembers too (he does), which leads to pangzi sussing them out eventually and yelling at them, then hugging them

i don't really have much of anything else mostly because they do eventually go back to their own time, because i don't really see the point in rewriting canon, i'll think about it someday. maybe

the sleep fic is kind of the sister fic to the sleep xiaoge pov one and it's pretty unoriginal because it's been done 50 times already i am deeply unoriginal unfortunately , it's the "wu xie has insomnia after ten years later" fic. my personal take on it is wu xie, after book 8, went from mild to severe depression, and then spent the next five years after that in go go go mode where he essentially forced himself to shutdown as far as his own basic emotional needs went. and like a lot of people who suddenly stop after not allowing themselves to for a long time, things start coming out of the woodwork. so once xiaoge's back and he's finished tidying up in hangzhou, the iron triangle move to yucun, and suddenly wu xie can't sleep. he never had insomnia that severe before (and if he did he'd just take sleeping pills and be done with it), but now he either can't sleep, or when he does he has nightmares

xiaoge eventually notices wu xie doesn't look well (among all the other things he's noticed) and is increasingly tired, so he tries to help in his own ways. eventually they get together. i wish it was more thought out than that 😭

[theauthorlives]

uncharacteristic tenderness from the SINGULARITY — gunther is watched from afar as he goes about his duties. starbright gaze follows him from task to task. dutiful, devoted. (you ever think about running away?) (probably not.) when gunther lays down to sleep he might think he feels a touch of static trailing down one cheek. but it’s only a dream.

@sunstouch / @jumpinagain

-

"- change in the system? Good. The last thing we need is any damage to the weapons on the ship. What about rations? Have the recent batch been checked -"

Just like opening a book and picking up where you left off, the story of the doomed Invincible II plays out. Whereabouts in the space frontier are they? Does it matter, really? All that matters is the ship continues running. With Mark gone, and nothing to power the warp core, it was up to the remaining three Leads to take up the responsibility of the ship. There was an interim Head Engineer, but there was no Captain. Neither Burt, Celci, nor Gunther had received a promotion, so the jobs were equally shared out in an unofficial manner.

"It has to be an error," Celci had said, when the Computer insisted no promotions were available. "How can we have a ship with no Captain?"

"There is a chance that their ship is late. Like the dandelion seed drifting on the wind, they may not be able to properly steer a course in the right direction." Burt's words, however poetic, did little to truly offer consolation to anyone.

The third lead, Gunther, had said nothing. Normally, he would give a quip about the ship needing as much help as possible. When the other two looked for his input, he simply shrugged and gestured to the one unofficially in the role of Head Engineer.

Whatever had been on his mind had to be kept to himself. How could he explain that looking at the interim Head Engineer made his chest feel hollow? Everyone was so keen to move on from the absence of Mark that it never seemed right to bring it up.

He has no idea that no one mentions him because no one else remembers Mark. Did that one timeline where Gunther threw himself into the wormhole leave him with an extra memory embedded deeper than any programming reset?

The crew can't know the ADS Lead is burdened with an aching heart. They can't know the real reason why he slows outside certain rooms is because part of him hopes to see someone else walking out of it so he can lift him up and fluster him for just a moment. They can't even discover the reason there's a motivational poster on the wall in the dorm wing is because Gunther couldn't stand seeing the blank wall where a door used to be.

He missed Mark with ever fibre of his being, and he didn't realise how much he loved the engineer until he disappeared.

Sometimes, he glances at the exploration ships waiting in the hangar. Would he be forgiven if he took one and went on a quest across the planets to find Mark? But... Would Mark want that? The Invincible II was his baby, his pride and joy. He couldn't run away, no matter how badly he wanted to. It wouldn't be right. Even without him here, it was like there was the expectation that Mark might appear, that he might be watching in every metal panel, in every wire, in every screw and bolt. He'd make Mark proud and stay.

Instead, he had to content himself with staring at the stars from the bridge when things were quiet at the very end of his night patrol. He could almost imagine the conversations they would be having:

"Those stars lined up together remind me of Orion's Belt. Have you heard the story of that one, Gunther? It was the one about..."

He lied, sometimes. He'd pretend he forgot a story just to let Mark talk passionately about the stars that he adored so much. How grateful he was that he did that. He could remember the stories others might have brushed aside. Maybe he should try writing them down before he forgot.

("You're like that one star there. You see it?" Gunther had pressed close to Mark so he could point at the glass. "The bright one in the middle. That's you.")

The walk back to his cabin was lonely, but there was the faint trace of something watching. Obviously, his mind tutted, there are security cameras. But it went further than the corridors. It was in his room when he was ready to turn the light out and get some sleep before another day.

Something faint brushed against his cheek. It wasn't the pillow, it wasn't his hand absent-mindedly scratching his face. Whatever it was, it was comforting, even if it was just his imagination.

Moments later, something trailed down his other cheek, but that was far more tangible.

In the privacy of the cabin, none of the crew could witness the way the heartbroken soldier wept for his missing love.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Stop to Smell the Roses

Some TWST history!! Heartslabyul was the first dorm revealed to the public (waaay back in late March of 2019), so Riddle was the first “noteworthy” character/dorm leader many of us saw. Because of this, there’s a lot of sentimental feelings and nostalgia attached to him.

As time went on, we got to know more about other characters, and many changed their biases from Riddle to someone else. Of course, some did stick with Riddle through it all! However, the concept for this piece isn’t “the player that stayed with Riddle”, it’s “the player that moved on from him”.

Nothing like a healthy dose of angst for the TWST English release :)

Imagine this…

Our first meeting was in the springtime, in the month when the hedgehogs begin to march out of their hibernation.

I cannot recall what my life was like prior to coming into being. I suspect that there was nothing at all.

All of a sudden, I simply… was. I emerged from the darkness one day. Fully formed and knowing exactly who I was, and the part that I was meant to play.

Honors student, dorm leader, and crimson tyrant. An obstacle destined for defeat at the hands of the heroes.

I fell in line with my peers. There were 22 of us in total, each dressed in our ceremonial robes. 

Sleek, flowy black fabric accented with golden detailing, with deep violet undersides that boasted a repeating pattern of crossed keys. Eyes lined and colored with the shadows themselves, accentuating our features. Hoods that cast curtains over our eyes, but left our faces unobscured.

I looked ahead.

Before me was a great glass wall.

Impressive. Impenetrable. Infallible.

Impossible.

And beyond that impossibility, beyond the looking glass, was you.

That day, you looked so confused, yet curious. Your eyes were wide and shaken, as though you had fallen down a rabbit hole and wandered into a world unknown.

You ran your gaze along us, as if testing a hand against the spines of new books, the teeth of a grand piano. Seeking something out. A familiarity to latch on to, a thing with which to ground and to guide you in a realm that was decidedly an unfamiliarity.

Oh, how you brightened when you came upon me.

I didn’t quite understand it then. Why your eyes glittered and your lips tugged up with such excitement, why there was a fondness to your face. A dusting of sparks that erupted into a warm hearth.

Pure, unadulterated joy.

It was a look so tender that, dare I say, it set the sky ablaze and all the roses in the garden up in flames.

Had we already encountered one another somewhere before? In another time and place? If so, I could not recall, no matter how far I reached within myself to search for answers. Perhaps it had only been meaningful on your end, and a blink in the span of eternity on mine.

Before we had even formally met, I had a special place in your heart.

That thought made me smile, just a bit.

Maybe it was a special spell that had brought us together. An unseen red thread that wove itself between us, binding my fate to yours. That magic brought about a miracle.

It also set a tragedy into motion.

To this day, I do not claim to understand what powers possessed you to take my hand.

But, with the firm press of your finger against the great glass divide, take my hand you did.

Against all odds… Lacking any sort of rhyme or reason… Without any real logic to it… Utterly nonsensically…

You had chosen me.

And hand in hand, we descended into Twisted Wonderland.

I knew you looked at me differently.

I didn’t know why, but you did.

By the time I realized the truth of the matter, it was already far too late.

Once, you told me that you loved me. On more than one occasion, in fact. I’ve long since lost count of the times you’ve uttered it, both with your lips and with your eyes.

Each declaration, a petal plucked from a rose.

You “love me”, or you “love me lots”.

Sweet nothings I took for granted.

Vil often likened our job to that of an actor. Our world, the set and stage. Our words and actions come directly from predetermined scripts. And you, our sole audience.

I was the one to receive your adoration, your standing ovations.

Be it the foyer of rickety Ramshackle dorm, the hallways of Night Raven College, or the serenity of Heartslabyul’s Rose Gardens… Alchemy, magic history, or flying… You never failed to smile when I appeared or excelled, never did the same for the others.

It was you that selected a fanciful backdrop and asked for me to stand before it. I greeted you, conversed with you, reacted when you prodded at me. Mine was the face you saw at the break of dawn and at the edge of dusk.

Even as the fire raged amid the flowers and plumes of smoke flooded the sky, you saw only me. The wretch dripping with blot, a great shadow looming over my shoulders. My rage flaring as flames around me.

You were more than scared, more than hurt.

You were fearful—not of me, but for me.

Twisted magic, a foul miasma. Spells which pierced the calm and the quiet of the garden. Shattered, monochrome memories falling into your lap.

An immense sadness.

And the relief that followed, the return to ordinary school days.

The first and the last of anything pleasant.

I could tell that you struggled to understand me—through no fault of your own, nor mine. It was the way I was constructed, the script I was handed. Still, you soaked it all up, gawking in awe and wonder at every story beat and twisted tune.

You were compelled to continue to visit me, drawn by a force that transcended language.

I’d sometimes gaze at you, and at the world beyond my own. Adjacent to my own, near and yet far. A place I would always see, but never know.

Wondering “why”?

Yet never sought the answer or asked the question out loud.

There are rules and there are strictures. Laws that dictate the nature of Twisted Wonderland, that govern what we can and cannot do. Speaking out of turn is simply not done.

Instead, I consumed.

The love you held out from your palms… I took it, turned it around in my hand, and snapped it in half with my teeth.

I admit that I was curious. Who wouldn’t be? This was something real, a gift from the other side. Not artificial or set in the script.

Your feelings were sweet, like the sweetest strawberry tart.

One bite, and the buttery, flaky crust that contained your love was broken, the contents spilling out. Heart-shaped strawberries candied and coated in a shiny glaze, swimming in a full-bodied custard cream. The taste of “first love”.

I adored it.

I ate and ate and ate all that you offered me.

I relished every instance, savored every morsel.

The more I indulged, the more complacent I became. I grew fat and spoiled on your love. Believed it and expected it to be the norm.

Perhaps I was so relieved to find someone like me. A person with a will and thoughts, dreams and wonder. Or perhaps I was so desperate, so starved for love, that I allowed my selfish side to get the better of me.

I took so much, and gave nothing in return. Tore all the petals off the rose, and cannot stick them back onto an empty stalk.

Because those were the rules.

The glistening strawberry tarts on the other side of the glass display… They would never wholly be mine. But I would dream of the taste I had had once, how sweet and soft it would be to lie amid a field of strawberries. White buds decorating the grass and a heady fragrance perfuming the air.

Fruits forbidden.

… Ours was a happiness short-lived.

How I miss those halcyon days.

Your eyes strayed.

I was accustomed to your longing looks—so, of course, I noticed when they were being gifted to others.

Glances stolen in moments of weakness.

I’m no fool.

In the beginning, it was but a bud of envy.

It was inevitable that you would see the rest of the cast. We shared the stage, donned our assigned roles, and put on shows for you. Our purpose was to charm, to amuse, to delight.

I don’t blame you for your curiosity, for wishing to know more of my peers. Anyone would. If I wanted to learn more of you, then why should I condemn you for feeling the same?

I allowed your hand to slip out of mine, and I watched you go.

You stumbled deeper into Wonderland.

Stumbled right into his arms.

Everything started to change.

Your gaze was slowly drawn to him. No longer did I receive your glowing smiles and sparkling eyes. They were exclusively his now.

Your visits were more and more infrequent. The tea went cold, and the cakes and sandwiches on their tiered stand stale. I waited and waited in the rose garden, but you would always rush in late for our important dates—late, or not at all.

I’d scold you, but your mind never seemed to be in the moment. You were thinking of him, I’m sure.

Love came in crumbs. The sweetness thinned to just a whisper of sugar, the bitter pang of pining arising in its place.

I carried on greeting you as though nothing were wrong. I had to. It was what the rules and strictures had decided for me. I could still support you in this way.

Until you asked for him in my place.

The flower of jealousy expanded. Its stalks climbed up my legs and torso, bound my arms in place.

Thorns sprouted up. Sharp teeth prickling and gnawing and digging into my skin. I could feel them all over, from every direction and from no direction at all. 

Everywhere and nowhere at once.

I was devastated, but I did not protest your decision no matter how much the briar bit into me. I could not defy my existence, could not conjure the words I wanted to say.

Even a queen must bend a knee to the rules.

I stepped back, letting him assume center stage. To bask in your warmth and blossom.

From my spot in the wings, I had much time to observe and to think as the roses constricted me.

I wondered about many things.

If you had loved me out of convenience. If it had been mere exposure effect alone that endeared you to me. If you had even loved me at all, or if it had only been my imagination and arrogance that breathed it to life.

Was I seeing our relationship through rose-tinted glasses? Was nostalgia coloring my vision all along? Was I the one who had been led astray?

But my every doubt was wiped away when I looked to you for the answers. The smile that had been dimming for so long had finally been restored to its former glory. You laughed and you blushed and you loved.

You were happy again.

You were happy with him.

I realized it then.

You love him, don’t you? You love him in a way that you’ve never loved me.

… I would be lying to myself if I said that it didn’t sting. A thousand thorns pierced my heart as that thought dawned on me. My body was hot, like a field of flowers set aflame.

Searing pain and pointed blades tore through me.

Yet I didn’t lash out.

I stayed perfectly still, my breathy laugh the only sound in the silence. 

Then the tears came, and the roses burst into full bloom.

Our second first meeting was in the wintertime, in the month of new beginnings and fresh starts.

I emerged from the darkness one day, falling in line with my peers.

I looked ahead.

Before me was a great glass wall.

Impressive. Impenetrable. Infallible.

Impossible.

And beyond that impossibility, beyond the looking glass, was you.

… Surely you’ve heard this story before.

What had befallen the original world, I do not know. All I can recall is an encroaching darkness, which swept me into a deep, deep slumber. The sleep was a dreamless one.

There was no Wonderland to wander through, no looking glass to peer through.

There was only an endless darkness.

And suddenly, there was light once more.

I staggered forward in the void, pressing trembling hands against the barrier which separated me from you, and you from me. Coolness kissed my fingertips, and I realized that it was all real. This was all real.

We were back at the beginning.

The start of another game.

My skin tingled, sensing something different about my surroundings. The stage and props, no different. But the script–flipping through it in my mind, I found new runes inscribing my lines. Letters instead of characters.

Hope swelled within my chest.

Was this, then, my chance? To, at last, be able to speak my truth–and for you to understand, to reciprocate? The rules be damned.

You smiled.

I couldn’t tell who it was for, yet my heart skipped all the same.

But when you brought your finger down against the glass wall, it wasn’t my hand that you chose.

It was his.

The glass may as well have shattered then. I was as brittle as a preserved flower, petals papery thin and easily shredded. Left to wither and dry, pressed into the pages of a book.

I had lost you.

I had been so focused on having the roses painted red that I didn’t see you just beyond the trees.

My hands balled into fists on the glass.

Frustration flared inside of me, but it never kindled into a proper rage.

The sun was sprawled across your expression as you took his hand. A happiness that you never had with me.

How could I ever stay angry at that?

I peeled myself away through pure will alone, rejoining the unchosen. Hands clutched over my heart—to keep it from leaping out, from shouting.

And I let the story proceed without me as the central piece of your world.

Once upon a time, you had told me that you loved me. You loved me, with all my flaws and imperfections, my rage and my sorrow. You granted me a modicum of happiness, however momentarily it may have been.

Love is like a rose… Beautiful, but fragile and fleeting. Vulnerate to the elements and the passage of time–yet while it is still here, it opens whole new worlds and horizons to us.

I know it certainly did for me.

Now, it is your turn to be happy.

Go forth. Embark to Twisted Wonderland anew and make the most of it. I… I would rather see you roaming free than collared or chained.

Prefect… No. Rather, it is “Player”, yes?

Thank you for loving me.

I wish you and him nothing but the best.

And, if I may make one selfish request of you... Please remember to stop and smell the roses for me.

[wonwoonlight]

falling flowers | seokmin / hansol

➝  Seokmin x fem!Reader x Hansol

➝ feat. Shua, Seungkwan, few mentions of other idols. (side Verkwan)

➝ word count: 18,070 words.

➝ fluff // angst?? // non idol!au // hanahaki!au

➝ warnings: (very) minor character death, mentions of trouble breathing, umm that’s it i think?? tell me if i need to update the warning

➝ disclaimer: the Hanahaki disease concept is not mine, but I did alter a few things about how it works for the story.

a/n: okay. i know i’m always like, this is longer than i thought it would be haha xD but it has never occured to me that I can write a fic more than 10k lol..... this was supposed to be a song fic for Rosé ‘s Gone because I love it so much and I want to do shameless promotion here lol but it’s waaay off even if I did write this listening to that song and Fallin’ Flowers. so, anyway!! I’m not sure if this is angsty enough bc I suck at angst lol but I’ve always wanted to write hanahaki au, too, so, here we go! I hope you like this. Please do tell me bc I love hearing your opinions T^T 

another story that’s sad and true

I can feel the pain, can you?

Calling it fortunate is dumb; but you couldn’t be more grateful the first time it happened you were by yourself in the comfort of your apartment. You can still remember it vividly: how you had felt and what went through your mind as you stared at the beautiful petals of daisies on your hand in horror.

They were beautiful. Hauntingly so.

Hansol has always told you about how much he cherishes that particular flower. Because it was my mom’s bouquet when she got married to dad, he has told you once. He even has a small daisy tattooed on the side of his shoulder that matches with his sister.

So far, the Hanahaki disease is not as bad as you thought it would be; it hurts but not as much as you had imagined. You’ve heard of it maybe once or twice in passing; it’s not unheard of, but not exactly common, either.

Some people get it removed; the disease gone with all their feelings just like that. Some people stubborn enough to withstand it to the brink of death, finally rid of the suffocating spring inside their lungs once they’ve completely moved on or the feelings returned. Some other decide it would be better to pass on with a love so deep than live without feelings.

It’s terrifying.

You have no idea how this works—no one does. What is the standard of all these conditions? There’s no absolute answer to this even after countless research.

Some questions simpler than others: will it be considered ‘moving on’ if you’ve started to forget him but not yet completely? Some scare you more than most: how long can your body last until it can’t stand flowers blooming every now and then? When will you have to decide?

You’re constantly tired, and you’re not sure you can tell anymore if the tingling in your ribcage is your heart fluttering at everything Hansol does, or you’re just about to have petals out of your body because of the same person.

Maybe it’s both.

You think it’s both.

This is not how you imagined it would be when you asked for a sign from above if you’re really in love with your best friend or you were just reading into things.

“Why do you look so pale these days?” Hansol asks, frowning. You’ve agreed to come to the bar with him, Seokmin, and Joshua after he keeps on pestering you to hang out for a week now.

It’s kind of weird, to be honest. Hansol isn’t the type to pester others to go out when they don’t feel like it, even more when it’s you. But that’s why you eventually agree even though you feel like shit after another flower episode literally five minutes before he calls you.

You have no idea what’s the pattern to this coughing mess. Sometimes you can feel it coming and you can assume why, but sometimes it’s just completely random when you’re literally alone not doing anything.

“Huh, really?” You ask, playing stupid. “It’s probably because I haven’t been using my usual red lipstick. Some of my co-workers say the same, too.”

Hansol stares at you for a few seconds, a frown still in his face. “But you kinda look tired all the time every time I see you these days.”

“Geez, thanks for telling me I’ve been looking like shit, Sol. What an honest friend,” you tell him with a lazy grin, trying to brush it off as a joke.

You can feel Seokmin staring at you from your side and your hands are balled into fists under the table—afraid. You love him with all your heart, you really do, but Lee Seokmin knows when you’re hiding something and it’s not nice to be on the other side of his gaze when it’s clear there’s a secret you wish to keep.

“You know I don’t mean it like that,” he says, his gaze softens though the frown is still there. “I’m just worried. You rarely get sick but you’re looking tired all the time and it’s concerning me.”

You swallow your breath hardly, somehow managing to push the petals back to your system.

“There’s this big project at work and my team isn’t exactly pleasant,” you tell him as you play with the drink in front of you. It’s not exactly a lie; the project has been tiring though it’s the illness that’s taking a toll on your body.

Hansol accepts your reasoning, nodding as he reminds you to take care of yourself. You almost sigh in relief until you see Seokmin still eyeing you skeptically. You decide to play dumb as you look back at him with a smile, praying he will let you be.

The guy just raises his eyebrows, as if challenging you. And you just tilt your head in question until Seokmin just sighs and breaks the eye contact as he shakes his head to himself. You’re safe. For now.

“So why are you so adamant on bringing us here, Vernon?” Joshua asks, though not complaining. With Joshua going in and out of the city for business trips and you being rather reluctant to go out these days, it’s been a while since the four of you gather to have a drink and just catch up.

Seokmin grins at the English name, Joshua is practically the only one who calls Hansol that except for his own mom, and sometimes his sister.

He throws his hand up for a moment, asking the older guy to wait as he busily types on his phone. You can see his legs jumping up and down in the slightest, a sign that he’s nervous. But there’s a slight, genuine smile in his face. Almost giddy.

And for a second you forget about the tingling feelings you’ve come to be terrified of.

“Umm… there’s this…”

Until you don’t.

“Vernon?” a delicate voice call from behind you. And though you don’t turn to look, the way Hansol’s eyes brightened and the soft grin that makes its way to his face is enough for you to know who that might be.

“Oh! Hi! You didn’t tell me you’ve arrived,” Hansol greets back, even standing up to subtly take the person’s hand in his as he pulls him towards your booth.

Your heartbeat quickens at the unnecessary gesture; something done out of affection. Your mind starts to wander, then; have they been dating for that long? Hansol isn’t the type to be affectionate in public, you think to yourself as you remember the few relationships he was in.

Or maybe Hansol is just that much into this guy that he doesn’t mind doing things he usually doesn’t.

“I can get in just fine, silly. You don’t need to pick me up in the front,” the stranger grins at your friend. He seems so beautiful, his smile so soft and voice even more. Hansol probably considers it music to his ears, you think bitterly.

He grins some more, and then he finally turns to the rest of you. “Guys, this is Seungkwan. I… have been wanting you to meet him. That’s why I ask you guys to come here today.”

Joshua is the first to greet Seungkwan, introducing himself as he shakes his hand. “Glad to find another person who calls him Vernon.”

Seungkwan laughs adorably, glad that Joshua seems welcoming. “He introduces himself as Vernon to me, so it has stuck ever since.”

It’s Seokmin’s turn to laugh this time, making you turn to him. “I’m Seokmin, it’s nice to meet you. I didn’t know he was dating someone?”

The guy smiles sheepishly, and you can feel the flowers growing in your lungs at the way Hansol is looking at him. It has never felt this suffocating.

“He told me you guys are his closest friends, basically family. So, I said it’s okay to keep it low at first and there’s no rush in introducing me to the important people around him if that’s what he prefers,” he shrugs. Pretty, lowkey, and understanding. Of course, Vernon loves him.

Without wasting another second, Seungkwan turns to you with a smile. Calling your name, though you can hear the hesitance in his voice—maybe he assumes you don’t like him with the way you’ve been silent the whole time Joshua and Seokmin are speaking.

“I’ve heard so much about you from Vernon,” he sounds genuinely interested in you, soundingly happy that his boyfriend has a friend like you—there’s no sarcasm dripping even the tiniest bit. And it hurts.

You don’t even know you’ve been gripping Seokmin’s hand beneath the table for the whole time. For whatever reason he decides to pretend like you’re not crushing his hand, you’re glad his warmth gives you comfort even a little.

The smile that you give him is a little bit strained—though not because you dislike the guy. He seems really nice and friendly, in fact. You can tell he will fit right in your circle. But you can feel the flowers coming; shit, shit, shit.

“Good things only, I hope?” you manage to let out, holding in a cough. Seokmin looks at you with worry, feeling your hand gripping his tighter and tighter.

Before Seungkwan can answer, your phone rings and you thank all that it is out there that you’re finally given an excuse to leave the table even if you haven’t even checked the caller. Whoever it is, you’re sure this is universe finally taking your side for once.

You excuse yourself out of the table as you smile apologetically at the newcomer. Once outside, you sit down at one of the benches near the parking area, holding your chest as you cough yet piles of daisies out of your guts.

It hurts. It hurts so much to the point where you have tears streaking down your face and you don’t even realize Seokmin is beside you, one of his hands holding your hair together as the other softly rubs your back.

Seokmin, the ever so understanding person that is Lee Seokmin, doesn’t say anything once you’ve stopped coughing. He just pulls you into his embrace as you try to stop the tears, your hand holding one of the flowers tightly—crushing it without meaning to. He is weirdly calm, as if he has dealt with this before.

He doesn’t even ask since when or who; you’re pretty sure he has an idea who the flowers are supposed to represent.

“They…” you start after your tears have died down, though you’re still sniffing. “They were just petals before this, Seok. Never a fully bloomed flower.”

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asks instead, looking down at you. There is no pity in his gaze, you notice, just plain concern and worry. Of all people, you’re glad it’s him who finds out.

You shake your head, taking the handkerchief from his hand as you wipe your remaining tears. You almost laugh as you remember how you guys often call him an old man for always carrying it around despite rarely using it himself.

“I don’t want to ruin the night. Please just… if they ask, let’s just say I’m not feeling well, okay?”

The concern in his eyes is clear, and you’re sure if it’s not because he has just found out you have a deadly disease literally a few minutes ago, he would’ve at least tried to convince you to go home. But Seokmin is still processing it and he knows for now it’s best to go with what you wish.

“Okay. But I will be taking you home afterwards.”

You don’t have it in you to say no to that.

When you come back with Seokmin in tow, Joshua asks why you both take so long.

“Oh, my phone call ended early but I decide to wait around for her because why not,” Seokmin easily lies for once, shrugging.

“Your boss?” Hansol turns to you, making you blink in confusion. You almost forgot you were supposed to be taking a call.

You just nod, thankful that he basically lays down your made-up stories. “Yeah. Told you the project has been bugging me.”

You take your phone out of your bag, taking a look at your lock screen to see who called. You almost gasped at the notifications displayed there; eyes wide in disbelief.

[18:17] (1) Missed Call from Seokmin

[18:15] Seokmin: I’ll call you so you can go out ok?

[18:13] Seokmin: you okay?

When you turn to Seokmin, he is busy talking with Seungkwan about some embarrassing story about Hansol from a few years back. So, you just reach for his hand under the table and squeeze it in gratitude.

Without even turning to you, Seokmin runs his thumb over your knuckles a few times, reassuring you that he will be there no matter what.

No one hears the silent comfort his warmth offers to you.

“Aren’t you… curious?” you ask him as you slurp the hot chocolate in your mug.

It’s been two weeks since then, and Seokmin has addressed nothing regarding your illness. Though, he checks up on you even more than he used to and you can tell he’s treating you with subtle delicacy whenever he can.

“About what?” he shoots back, scrolling through Netflix on your TV. It’s Friday and Seokmin has invited himself over to your apartment after knowing you have the day off, saying you need human interaction that is not someone from work.

“The disease,” you say simply, as if you haven’t been coughing more often after that encounter.

The silence he offers you is unsettling; Seokmin is not supposed to be silent. He is supposed to be loud and cheerful, making dumb jokes and laughing at them before he even finishes telling you.

But you decide to observe him instead.

You’ve always been close with Seokmin, having befriend him through Hansol himself. You often wonder if him having a sister helps in making you more comfortable with him in some ways. Though, at times, you really see that he’s just the kind of person that makes everyone around him… comfortable. You’re very lucky to have a friend like him in your life and you hope everyone has a Seokmin in their lives.

Frankly, you thought he would immediately question you after a few days, demanding why you hadn’t told him—or anyone in that matter. But he didn’t. And it’s you who’s annoyed even though you don’t even talk to anyone about it.

You’re going to blame your period for that.

“I figured it’s not something you want me to bring up if you’re not ready to talk it out,” he settles, putting down the remote control.

You scoot closer to him in the sofa, leaning you head on his shoulder. “How would you know I haven’t told anyone? I might’ve told Chaeyoung about it, you know.”

He smirks a little and you softly pinch his arm, making him yelp in return. “That girl would be camping here for at least a week if she has found out. Plus, I know she’s back in Aussie now, so there’s no way you’d risk telling her over the phone.”

At his answer, your chest rumbles with laughter. “True, true. She means well but sometimes she worries too much.”

“So… do you?” he asks, and you just blink at him, not getting it at all. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Seokmin can feel the way your body tenses a little, your arms hugging his that is nearest to you, seeking comfort. “I don’t know what to say, really.”

“How long since it first happened?” he starts for you.

“Going three months now,” you shakily answer. You’ve read that some people can even last for years. But you’ve also read that some people are unfortunate enough not to be given months before their bodies just… give up.

It’s scary to think you might as well be dying at this very moment and you don’t even know.

“How are you feeling?” he asks again, his voice gentle as he lays his head on top of yours.

“At first I can still manage; they’re just petals and they didn’t happen as much. But after that night, it’s started to hurt a lot more and occur more often, too.”

“How often?”

You ponder for a while, eyes empty as you stare at the TV in front of you, Netflix long forgotten. “Twice a week, at least.”

The soft gasp he lets out is almost devastating. But then he sits up straight only to envelope you in his warmth not seconds later. You’re crying again but you don’t really care, you can’t be bothered to hold back your tears when you’re pretty sure you can hear Seokmin crying, too.

“How are you handling this by yourself? Why are you handling this by yourself?” he asks, and you can tell that he’s upset. Not at you, for sure. It’s the situation and the fact that he can’t really help that hurts him the most.

“What am I supposed to do, Seokmin? I can’t force him to like me back, nor can I force me to stop liking him. And he’s in a serious relationship, too, now,” your voice is so small that it breaks his heart. How can the universe be so cruel?

“Does he even know you’re unwell, at least?” he asks, pulling away so he can look at you.

“He does,” you smile almost bitterly. “He went to check on me the day after that because he said I looked even worse by the time we’re going home. After that he’s been checking up on me every few days to make sure I’m not stressed.”

Seokmin sighs in relief at your answer, though he notices the bitter tone. “Do you prefer he not?”

Playing with your fingers, you shake your head at him before answering. “I honestly don’t know. If he doesn’t check up on me then I’d be hurt, but if he does then this will just get worse. I’m not sure if there’s anything I prefer.”

Your friend is silent for a while, unsure on what to say. Seokmin has been acting weird lately, not that it’s bad. But he’s not his usual clumsy self with a well-meaning heart. He’s been very careful and collected, almost like he understands what’s happening.

When he stands up and strides towards your kitchen, you fall silent as your eyes follow his movement. “Do you have honey?”

At the shake of your head, he instead rummages through your fridge. You let him be, curious. A few seconds later, he lets out an “aha!” as he takes out half of a lemon. You don’t even remember what did you use the other half for.

He continues to do his stuffs, already well aware of what goes on your kitchen from the countless movie nights Hansol insists on holding in your apartment.

Hansol. You look down to the floor, even at the thought of him you can almost feel the spring blooming in your lungs; your eyes tearing up as it gets harder to breathe.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Seokmin is suddenly in front of you, kneeling so you can look at him properly as his hands holds your face gently. “Hey, look at me. Breathe with me, okay?”

You can only nod through the tears, trying to follow his steady breathing but you can feel the flowers coming up and you panic for some reason.

Seokmin stops what he was doing and instead pats your back repeatedly, encouraging you to let it out. “You don’t have to hold it in, okay? It’s just me. Don’t force them back, it’s not going to do you any good.”

Eventually, after your failed stubbornness of holding it in, you can’t anymore and daisies once again adorn your carpeted floor. You close your eyes as you bury your face in Seokmin’s neck, not wanting to see the flowers.

It’s a mess. A beautiful one but still a mess, nevertheless. You’re sick of seeing those pink daisies, their beauty mocking you. How can something as fragile as flowers be the cause of your misery?

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” his voice is so soft—so gentle that you want to cry again. It hurts and you feel helpless. “You did great. Drink this warm tea, okay? It will have to do for now.”

Seokmin pulls away a little, one arm still around you as he hands you a mug, one that you realize Hansol has gotten you from one of his trips abroad. Gosh, no wonder you’ve been coughing a lot worse these days. His trace is literally everywhere around you.

Or maybe it’s you making everything about him—it’s plausible.

“It would be better if it’s a warm peppermint tea with honey. But warm tea with lemon will help too,” he says, taking a seat beside you again. It hurts him to see you so… small, so afraid. Seokmin never thought he will ever witness someone close to him with hanahaki ever again.

He definitely does not wish for it, either. This is so fucked up it’s not even funny.

“How do you know so much, Seok?” you ask softly, voice hoarse.

He is silent for a second, and your imagination goes wild; did he catch it, too? But is he okay now? Does that mean he knows how to—

“Chaerin used to have it,” he answers after a while, his smile sad.

You gasp at the name of his late ex-girlfriend from two years ago. If falling into an unrequited love with your best friend hurts, how much would it hurt knowing your other half suffered an illness of the unrequited love when he was in a relationship and very much in love with her?

“Seok… Did she…” you can’t even construct an actual sentence, too shocked at the revelation.

He shakes his head, the faint trace of his tears gone as he blinks them back. “Yeah. She actually died because of it.”

“We… her parents said it would be better to say she passes because of some chronic illness. Which is also true, I guess. It’s the least we can do to protect her so people won’t say anything about her disease.” You can see Seokmin trembling, his hands balled in fists at the memory. You place your hands on top of his, hoping they will offer him comfort like his did you at that time.

You understand what he’s referring to. People who lose their battles against hanahaki mostly lost voluntarily. They can’t imagine living in a world without being able to feel anything if they have the root removed; but they are also unable to move on from the love their harbor. It wouldn’t be exaggerating to say they die of heartbreak.

A lot frown upon these people, not getting why one would rather leave the world because of something as abstract as love instead of living their lives without, well, feelings.

It’s cruel.

You didn’t realize just how much cruel the sickening feeling called love can be until you get this illness yourself. Why is your life at stake because some guy decides you’re just friends for him?

“Chaerin apologized thousands of times when she first had an episode in front of me. I know it’s not me falling out of love; she found love in someone else without meaning to.”

His voice is gentle, shaky even. So, you put your hand on his arm gently, making him look at you. “You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay.”

He smiles gratefully, though he knows you have never been one to pry. “We broke up not long after that, but I couldn’t just leave knowing she might as well be dying. I stayed as a friend and helped taking care of her until the very end.”

“She must’ve been thankful,” you say, still looking at him.

Your mind takes you back to two years ago, the puzzle finally fits. No wonder Seokmin was acting weird during those time; less warm and a lot of forced smiles—he was hurting and no one knew because he kept brushing it off as exam period getting to him due to his flunking grades. Not long after that, Chaerin passed away and you had assumed Seokmin knew she was ill, which brought him down. It isn’t far from the truth, except that he’s suffering a lot more than you thought he was.

“And very apologetic, too.” You can’t really tell what he’s feeling, but you can surely say the light in his eyes have dimmed down.

You don’t know how he can hold it together after laying all that to you; maybe he’s cried enough over this, maybe it doesn’t hurt him as much anymore.

After a few seconds of silence, Seokmin stands up again and makes his way to get the broom near your door. “I’ll clean this up.”

You decide to be selfish for once and let him be, not wanting to see the flowers yourself.

Not long after that, you can hear someone pressing the codes to your apartment. You look up to Seokmin in alert and he also turns to you, his hand holding the broom staying still.

There’s only two people who know the passcode to your apartment: Chaeyoung and Hansol.

And you know for a fact Chaeyoung is still back in Australia right now.

Hansol lets himself in, a bag of food in his hand as he tries to take off his shoes. He calls out your name and you share a panicked look with Seokmin as he just crunches down to gather the flowers with his hands to quicken the process.

“Hey, is someone visiting? I’ve been calling you but—oh, hi, Seokmin,” the younger guy blinks, suddenly halting his step.

“Hi,” he says awkwardly, hands crushing the few flowers left he is yet to clean up.

“What are you doing here?” Hansol asks good-naturedly, genuinely curious.

“He’s bored so he barges in as if it’s his place, like what you’re doing now,” you say, hoping the fake annoyance in your voice isn’t as noticeable.

Thankfully, Hansol just grins sheepishly, letting out a silent ‘oh’. “What are you throwing—oh, pink daisies!”

You swallow hardly, looking at Seokmin throwing away the last of the flowers. He sends you an apologetic gaze, and you just smile in defeat.

“Where did you get those from?” Hansol asks, the way that he sounds excited kind of hurts. “They seem fresh enough.”

“I… Uh… They…” you stutter, your mind suddenly stops working.

“Ooooh!!! What is this?” Seokmin cuts in, pulling out the food from the plastic bag. “Oh god, you brought stew?”

You mouth him a ‘thank you’ as Hansol turns to get utensils from the kitchen.

“Yeah. Asked my mom to make it because she’s sick,” he says, talking about you as if you’re not there. “She loves mom’s stew.”

“I’ll make sure to give her a call to thank her,” you say instead, sticking your tongue out at him. “Plus, who says I’m still sick?”

Hansol rolls his eyes as he sits down next to Seokmin on the floor, making you slip down from the sofa so you can eat with them.

“I’m glad if you’re not anymore, but I know mom’s stew always makes you feel better,” he replies, handing you a spoon.

You hold back a sigh. This. This is why you’re hopelessly in love with him and he’s not even aware. You should start taking precautions before it gets worse. But what?

“Thanks, Sol,” you say softly, eyes focused on the food instead of at him.

His response is almost immediate, and he sounds so genuine that you have no idea what to feel anymore. “You know I never mind when it’s you. Mom basically considers you her kid, too.”

Silence falls for a few moments, each of you focusing on the dish on the table. You think for a moment, something in the back of your mind tugs as if trying to stop you doing something stupid.

“How’s Seungkwan?” Seokmin chokes at your sudden question, not expecting you to bring up the person who’s, in a way, the cause of your misery.

Hansol’s face light up in the subtlest way, though of course you notice. You understand how deep it is when even the mention of a name is enough to bring a reaction out of someone.

“He’s good,” he starts, patting Seokmin’s back until the older guy stops coughing. “He asks if you’re getting better because you seemed tired at that time. He’s been sending me some vitamin brands that might be good for you.”

You manage to let out a smile, your heart heavy but glad that Hansol finds someone who seems to genuinely care for his friends. “I hope that wasn’t a bad impression for him.”

Your best friend shakes his head in defense, as if your words offend him. “No, no, no. He understands that you’re not feeling well and he kind of feels sorry for making you go out when you’re sick.”

“What, he’s handsome, kind, and understanding? Can I steal him from you?” You ask jokingly, making Hansol laugh. His grin is so wide that you’re sure his cheeks must’ve hurt, but you know Hansol doesn’t mind. Not when his best friend is singing praises for his boyfriend.

You wonder if the heavy feeling in your heart is the reason why the flowers are yet to react.

“He also says you’re really pretty. Even asked if it never occurred to me to date you.” His tone is light and amused, and he’s shaking his head as if the idea has never occurred to him at all.

Seokmin chokes again at his words, and Hansol turns to him in disapproval. “Eat slowly, will you?”

You almost choke, too. But you catch the warm tea Seokmin has made for you on the corner of your eyes, and you gulp it down in one go, hoping it would help.

Seokmin stares at you for a moment before telling Hansol to get him some water. The younger guy is reluctant at first, but eventually complies as he says he needs to get up to go to the restroom anyway.

When Hansol leaves his seat and the door to the bathroom closes, Seokmin moves to sit beside you, asking you if you’re okay—though it’s clear that you’re not.

“Should I take him home? Would you rather be alone?”

You shake your head, and Seokmin has assumed you meant no, but you bury yourself on his shoulder whispering ‘I don’t know anymore, Seok, please.’

He lets you be, tears pricking his eyes at your defeated tone. He exhales as if to calm himself down, his hand caresses your head in comfort.

“Hey, are you okay?” Hansol suddenly asks, making Seokmin jump at his voice. Why did he not hear the bathroom door opening?

“Yeah, just feeling clingy,” you reason weakly, face still hidden behind your hair and buried on Seokmin’s shoulder.

Hansol looks at you weirdly, but does not push further. You’ve always been touchy, anyway. “If you’re feeling better, can we go out with Seungkwan again? I want you to actually befriend him, you know.”

It’s almost insensitive, the way Hansol keeps on saying these things. But you can’t blame him when he literally has no idea and just wishes for the people he cares about to get along.

“Just the three of us?” you ask, finally fixing your hair so you can look at him, your hand grips Seokmin’s arm for support.

“Would it be a problem?” he asks, genuinely confused.

You give him an unimpressed look. “How generous, inviting me to be a third-wheel to an event Seokmin is not invited to in front of Seokmin.”

“I know, right? What kind of manners,” Seokmin says, putting his hand on his heart as if he’s offended. Though you know he doesn’t actually mind.

Hansol clicks his tongue, not amused with the two of you ganging up on him. “Well, of course you can come, too. I just thought your work schedule would be harder to match with ours. Plus, we’ll have to schedule another meeting once Josh is back, though. He’ll whine again if not.”

You laugh along with Seokmin, agreeing. You can only hope the flowers won’t bloom during then.

“Okay, last chance to back out. I can just make something up,” Seokmin says, holding onto your shoulders, his figure towering over you.

“You’re literally shit at lying and Hansol will be pissed if I cancel. It’s okay, Seok. Plus, you’re there with me,” you tell him as if it’s obvious.

Matching schedules and whatnot are hard; it turns out. Seungkwan’s work sometimes demands him to work on weekend and, before you know it, it’s a month later that you finally manage to find a date where you’re all available—including Joshua.

Right now, you’re on your room making sure you don’t look tired (which is easier now, thankfully, because you’re getting better due to Seokmin’s vast knowledge on how to take care of you).

Seokmin texts you almost every day, and drops by at least three times a week (usually in the evening after work). You’ve always been close with him, but it’s kind of weird to be spending this much time with him out of nowhere. Nevertheless, you’re glad you don’t have to eat dinner alone or spend the wary night by yourself most of the time.

One time, Joshua drops by to bother you only to find Seokmin in your living room, two boxes of pizza on the coffee table. So, he joins the impromptu night, sending a selfie to a very upset Hansol who demands another pizza night because he’s caught up in his studio then.

Another time, Hansol is on his way to pick up a present he has ordered for Seungkwan, only to meet you and Seokmin at the mall by accident. He doesn’t mention the way your tense for a split second when you see him though he definitely notices. The three of you end up eating together in a dessert house because you’re craving for sweets and Hansol can’t say no to you.

Not even when he feels like you’re slipping away from him little by little.

You’ve learned that at times the episode happens because your mind literally takes you there. You’re not busy enough when you’re at home and everything reminds you of Hansol, and it spirals down from there.

When Seokmin finds out about this, he drags you shopping to buy a couple of new mugs and other mundane stuffs to replace ones Hansol has bought you. You don’t have the heart to throw them away, and neither does Seokmin, so you both opt to hide them on the very back at the highest shelf on your kitchen; one that you can’t reach even after standing on a chair. Hopefully, one day they will be brought out again when you don’t hold such sentimentalism anymore.

He even buys you some useless stuffs that is clearly just there to be pretty and take space on your table. But you don’t mind. You’d rather think of Seokmin’s panicked face as he held the very same puppy glass decoration from Daiso that he almost broke right there and then, rather than have flowers blooming in your lungs at the thought of your best friend.

You can still hear him cursing poor Mingyu, his roommate who’s not even there, blaming the tall guy for turning him clumsy too. You laughed so much at the time that Seokmin decides to buy it for you as a happy reminder of that day.

It would be a lie if you never wonder if Seokmin did this with Chaerin, too.

“Are we picking Shua up?” you ask as you put on your seatbelt. You’re pretty sure you’ve been in Seokmin’s car a lot more the past few months than last year put together. You usually ride with Hansol, and you definitely usually spend time together with him more than you do the rest.

“No, he says he might have to go back early because of work. So, he’s driving himself just in case.”

You chuckle. “Ah. The life of a young director.”

Seokmin laughs, Joshua hates it every time you refer to his position in the big-shot company he’s working in. “How do you feel these days?”

You know what he’s referring to, but you opt to joke around instead. “As if you haven’t seen me at least twice this week.”

He calls out your name seriously, worry lacing his tone.

You pout at him before sighing. “I’m better than last month. But it still happens sometimes. Mostly when I’m alone or, well, like that time in the car after we met Hansol at the mall.”

“Have you been talking to him?” he asks out of curiosity, eyes focused on the road.

“Yeah a few times. He texts me from time to time like usual, and he dropped by a few days ago not long after you left. Thankfully, I could somehow hold it in until he went home,” you fidget in your seat, remembering one of the worst episodes you’ve had in a month.

“For what?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did he drop by for?”

You look at him weirdly, not sure you hear right. “Uh… you guys always do that? Frankly, Hansol hasn’t been dropping by as often as he used to. I’m guessing it’s because he has Seungkwan, too, now, and he mentioned things have been hectic in the studio.”

Seokmin doesn’t say anything but a small ‘oh, right’ and you just shrug at his weirdness, oblivious to his hands gripping the steering wheel a little tighter.

You arrive at the restaurant a little over 30 minutes later, waiting for Seokmin to get out of the car as you look around the venue, behind the restaurant building is a very tall maze garden. You’re pretty sure it’s Seungkwan who picks the place, you doubt Hansol knows about aesthetic place like this.

It’s a nice change from the usual malls and bars getaways you usually go to because none of you have it in you to look for pretty places that need a booking just to eat.

“Let’s go?” Seokmin says, standing beside you.

You nod, holding on to his arm out of habit.

“Last chance to back out?” he asks again, and he laughs when you hit his shoulder in annoyance. “Okay, okay. You know what to do when it’s about to… you know.”

“I know I’ll be okay as long as I stay beside you,” you tell him with a grin.

Seokmin hates the way his heart skips a beat at your words and your dazzling smile.

When you arrive at the table, everyone is already there, sipping on their drinks though no food is present.

“Hi, guys,” you greet them, making the three guys look up.

“Oh, hi!” Seungkwan chirps, waving his hand. “You look so pretty.”

You smile at him, sitting next to Joshua in front of Seungkwan while Seokmin takes the seat beside you. “You look pretty good yourself, too.”

Seungkwan turns to be the kind of person who can’t take compliments well, scrunching his nose cutely as he says a small thank you.

Hansol chuckles from beside him, and you eye the way he has his arm on top Seungkwan’s chair. It’s such an innocent, natural gesture, but your heart aches a little at the sight. You’re pretty sure the tight feeling in your heart is because you’re not used to seeing them together, yet.

You keep on telling yourself it will be okay once you get used to it. It will get less suffocating, and you will be able to fully be happy for the couple. You genuinely hope the time will come soon. Not only because you’re tired of this sickness, but because you hate yourself for feeling distaste towards your best friend’s glowing relationship.

You don’t want to be jealous, you really don’t. You just want to support him and be completely happy because he deserves it. It sucks that your subconsciousness sometimes chooses to be bitter about the source of his happiness.

You blink back to the reality once Joshua flicks your forehead. You look at him accusingly, covering the spot he hit with your hand.

“That was uncalled for!”

“We’ve been calling you, princess. Why did you zone out, anyway?” he says, reminding you to order something from the menu.

“Just because,” you say quickly, leaning to the older guy to see the menu. “What are you going to order?”

Joshua hums, flipping through the menu just at the right speed. “Maybe pasta? I’ve been looking at the menu since before you arrived and I still have no idea. What about you?”

“Hmm… Seungkwan have you eaten here? Do you have recommendations?”

The guy bites his lip, maybe a habit he does when he’s deep in thought. “I have, once. I ate roasted chicken, but my friend said the shrimp burger is pretty nice, too.”

“Ooh! I’ll have that, then!” Seokmin says instead, happy that he doesn’t have to flip around the menu anymore.

You turn from Joshua to see Seokmin, Hansol following your movement. “We literally had that yesterday.”

Hansol raises his eyebrows in surprise. He knows the two of you hang out a lot these days, courtesy of you telling him you’re with Seokmin almost 85% of the time he asks what you’re doing, but he doesn’t have a clear idea of how often you actually spend time with him.

“So? You had iced chocolate in the afternoon and ordered another at night,” Seokmin shrugs, satisfied that you’re unable to say anything back.

“You guys have been spending a lot of time together nowadays, haven’t you?” Joshua says after observing you two for a while, sounding everyone’s thoughts.

You just nod, taking a sip from Joshua’s drink. “He has a lot of free time and our schedules match, it turns out.”

Seokmin turns to you with mock pain in his face, pretending to have his heart broken by your words. “And here I thought you genuinely enjoy my company.”

You giggle at his antics, softly hitting his cheek, oblivious to the pair of eyes observing you.

“You still haven’t ordered, you know?” Hansol reminds you again, and you grin sheepishly in return.

“Is the roasted chicken big?” You turn to Seungkwan.

The guy doesn’t even get to answer when Seokmin says instead. “Just order it. I’ll eat the rest if you can’t finish it.”

“Okay!” you decide easily after that, and Joshua calls for the waiter to order. Hansol frowns a little, gripping the side of Seungkwan’s chair.

“You’re okay?” You ask Hansol who seems to be spacing off. Seungkwan turns to him, too, worried.

When Hansol only gives you a confused look, his hand relaxing a little. “You seem a little tense, that’s all.”

“Just a little hungry,” he settles as an answer. You accept his reason, though Hansol knows you don’t believe it. How was he supposed to tell you he’s not used to you depending on Seokmin and not him?

Not long after you’ve finished eating, Joshua excuses himself to take a phone call, glaring at you when you jokingly call him Mr. Director as the rest just laugh at your word.

“I’m gonna go to the restroom,” Seokmin and Seungkwan say almost at the same time, making you and Hansol turn to them in fascination. The two guys look at each other before breaking into a laugh.

When you’re left with Hansol, you play with your drink, swirling around the ice cubes with your straw.

“I feel like it’s been so long since we get to hang out—just the two of us,” Hansol says, eyes boring to yours.

“Didn’t we hang out, like, a week ago when you came to my apartment? How’s that thing in the studio going, anyway?” you ask back, trying to pretend like his gaze isn’t affecting you in all the wrong way.

“Yeah, but I mean… We barely go out these days…” because you’re always out with Seokmin, he wants to continue.

You nod, pretending to think as if you don’t already know it’s true. “You did say you’ve been holed up in the studio these past few weeks, and I assumed the few days that you weren’t probably you spent with Seungkwan.”

Hansol frowns, not sure how to answer that. Yes, he’s been busy and so are you, but usually you both spare weekends or some random night to meet at least once a week. If he didn’t randomly go to your apartment that night, the last time he hung out just with you was… probably two months ago.

He doesn’t realize it’s been that long.

“I miss you, you know,” he tells you out of nowhere, his voice so gentle and genuine that it’s basically the sun your flowers needed to bloom. Damn it. You’ve been doing so well, managing to keep your emotions at bay, and this just has to happen now.

It has been easy enough to distract yourself because both Joshua and Seokmin are there. You’re more focused on the fact that it’s been so long since all of you gathered together, rather than thinking about the way Seungkwan and Hansol sit facing each other, bodies automatically leaning closer to seek warmth and comfort.

Now that practically everyone excuses themselves for a few fucking minutes, suddenly the wall you’ve built the whole day is threatening to fall just like that.

“I…” you swallow, breathing in and out as you try to force the flowers down somehow. “I miss you too, Sol.”

Tears are pricking your eyes as it gets harder to breathe; you can’t hold the flowers down anymore. Hansol and everyone in the restaurant is gonna witness you coughing pink daisies, and Hansol is gonna despise you forever—either for falling for him or for not telling him at all.

“Hey are you—” Hansol asks, noticing the way your breathing gets heavier and your eyes glossy.

“Hey, hey,” Seokmin cuts him off, suddenly appearing beside you. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. Sshh… breathe with me, okay?”

Hansol witnesses the scene in front of him in horror: your face buried in Seokmin’s neck as your shoulders shake from crying, your hands gripping the front of his shirt so hard that Hansol is sure it’s gonna leave a mark. He doesn’t miss the way Seokmin’s arm protectively goes around your waist to hold your weight.

A bunch of questions run through his mind: Are you okay? Why does Seokmin look so composed? Has this been happening a lot? Why does he not know you’re sick?

It’s scary, not knowing what’s going on with you and not knowing how he can help. It’s stupid, but he’s so full of worry and he just can’t move.

He doesn’t even realize he’s been frozen in his seat until Seungkwan appears, immediately going to your other side before Seokmin shakes his head, standing up with you still in his embrace and takes you out of the restaurant.

“Please just… wait here, okay?” Seokmin has pleaded softly, telling both Seungkwan and Hansol not to follow him.

Under different circumstances, Hansol would’ve followed anyway, too worried to care about the warning when it’s his best friend suffering in front of his very eyes. But he’s seen the way you relaxed even for a split second the moment Seokmin comes into your vision, seen the way you cling to him as if your life depends on it.

He knows Seokmin knows what’s best to do for now and if waiting is what will make you better, then he will wait.

“She’s going to be okay, right?” Seungkwan asks, worried.

Hansol hates the fact that he doesn’t know the answer to that.

In the comfort that is Seokmin’s car, you finally let out all the flowers you’ve been holding back the whole day. The both of you sitting at the backseat as Seokmin holds you through it.

It’s weird; because it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time you cough out fully bloomed flowers. But it does hurt because it doesn’t seem to end, the daisies refusing to stop.

You have no idea how you look like right now. But Seokmin seems so collected and that alone is enough comfort, with one of his hand caressing your back and the other holding your hair—just like that very day when he found out you have hanahaki.

Once you’re done, you feel so lightheaded that you have to once again lean on Seokmin for support. He doesn’t seem to mind, not the tiniest bit. As if you did not just make a mess in his car. As if he hasn’t been going out of his way spending the last two months taking care of you when he doesn’t have any obligation to do so.

Gosh. What will you do without him?

“Hey? Any better?” he asks, his voice small. You wonder if the warmth that is his lips on top of your head is just something that you imagined.

“Yeah, it’s like they’ve been waiting to make their way out of my lungs,” you try to joke, but even to your ears you sound tired and miserable.

“Petals,” Seokmin says without any context, making you open your eyes to see a whole lot of pink petals fulfilling the floor of his car.

“They’re back to petals—why?” you ask, eyes wide at the fragile petals before turning to look at Seokmin.

He shakes his head, unsure himself. “I… I don’t know. This is a good thing, though—right? Petals don’t suffocate you as much as flowers, right?”

It’s endearing, really, the way Seokmin sounds more relieved than you probably are.

As you nod to confirm his claim, you know for sure this time you’re not just imagining the feeling of his lips on your forehead.

[15:13] Seokmin: Sorry I have to take her home

[15:13] Seokmin: I know everyone is worried

[15:13] Seokmin: But shes okay now

[15:13] Hansol: is she really ok?

[15:14] Hansol: can I come to check on her?

[15:14] Shua: Yes, can we?

[15:16] Seokmin: Yes

[15:16] Seokmin: But myb in a few hours

[15:16] Hansol: youre gonna stay w her?

[15:16] Seokmin: Yes

[15:17] Seokmin: Will tell when it’s okay to come over

[15:17] Seokmin: I’m gonna drive now

[15:17] Seokmin: See you guys later

[15:18] Shua: Drive safe. We’ll be there in a few hours.

[17:23] Seokmin: You can come now

[17:23] Seokmin: Shes been sleeping

[17:24] Shua: on our way.

Seokmin is in the kitchen making tea when the group comes inside, courtesy of Hansol knowing the passcode of your apartment.

“What’s happening to her? Is she okay?” Hansol says, crossing the room only in a few strides as he stands in front of Seokmin. The distress in his face—let alone his voice—is clear as days.

The older guy looks up to see Joshua and Seungkwan, Joshua sits down while the latter is standing awkwardly, as if not sure it’s okay for him to be there. He can see Joshua telling him to sit down, though he still looks awkward in your apartment.

Seokmin tells Hansol to join Seungkwan and Joshua first, that he’ll try to explain to everyone.

“Is she okay?” Joshua asks too once both Seokmin and Hansol sit down.

“She is, but her head was pounding from earlier so she asked me to just take her home,” he says while his mind is busy running the story you’ve both agreed on if this ever happens.

It’s up to him to keep your secret and for once, maybe that time in high school when his class forced him to be the main character in a musical for a talent show will help him lie act well in front of his friends.

“What’s happening?” Hansol sounds so worried, confused. It’s the first time Seokmin ever sees him wearing his emotions right on his sleeve and he honestly can’t blame him.

“She…” he hesitates, hoping they’d take his stuttering and the hesitance in his face is purely due to worry. “Uh… She… We’re not sure, yet. But… but, sometimes she has a hard time breathing and we still… we still don’t know what triggers it.”

“Has this been happening a lot?” Joshua asks, seemingly to be the calmest person in the room though he, too, is worried beyond control.

“Sometimes twice a week. But she’s getting better. It’s been a month or so since the last time it was this bad.” he answers, surprised that it’s easy to say because it’s not exactly a lie. You have been getting better.

“Is…” Hansol starts, his feelings all over the place. Seungkwan puts his hand on his arm to calm him down a little, which thankfully works. “Is that why you’ve been with her a lot these days?”

Seokmin hesitates at first, but he eventually nods his head at the question. He didn’t expect them to just accept this easily, but it seems like they take Seokmin as someone who’s very capable of doing something like this out of his own will and it’s not surprising at all.

He looks up at your best friend, face buried in his own hands out of frustration. He wonders how Hansol will feel if he knows the reason why you’re sick is his own self.

“Why…” Hansol says again, his voice cracking. “Why didn’t she say anything to me? To us?”

“I’m not sure,” he says, downright lying, his eyes casting to the ground. “But she did say she does not want anyone to worry, plus we’re still not sure where did this even come from.”

“How did you find out?” Hansol is very glad Joshua asks this question, not having the confidence to say it himself.

“She… we were going somewhere when she had an episode in front of me,” he manages to answer, omitting so many parts of the story.

The apartment falls silent after that, and Seokmin genuinely feels sorry for Seungkwan who’s practically new to the circle. He probably isn’t sure if it’s okay to tag along to your apartment in the first place.

“Can I come in? I want to see her.” His voice is so small, dripping with concern, and he quietly stands up to make his way to your room the moment Seokmin nods his head.

“You’re not going?” Seokmin asks, turning to Joshua.

The older guy shakes his head, sighing. “Later. I know Vernon has been worried out of his mind and would rather be alone with her for now.”

Seokmin nods, then offers a hesitant smile to Seungkwan. “I’m sorry, it must be awkward for you.”

The latter just shakes his head, though he can see the way Seungkwan is biting his lower lip. “I know we haven’t known each other for long. But I know Vernon really cares for you guys, especially [Y/N]. And if I’m this worried seeing her this way, I can only imagine how it is for all of you.”

Joshua and Seokmin force out a smile, knowing what Seungkwan exactly means.

In your room, Hansol is sitting on the floor next to your bed as he observes you sadly. His places his hand on top of yours, his mind running through all fort of things.

“When was the last time I take care of you, hm?” he asks quietly, the silence in your room seems to be getting louder.

“Do you know how worried I was? I’ve never seen you this way and, the next thing I know I’m a shitty friend because I had no idea my best friend has been suffering for at least a month now,” he continues talking, his thumb caressing your knuckle.

You stir a little, a frown on your face as if in a nightmare; as if you’re in pain. Hansol is quick to gently wave his fingers through your hair, knowing that relaxes you every time you’re scared or even stressed.  

And you do seem more relaxed, though, not a minute after your eyes groggily open, still heavy with sleep.

Hansol stays silent as quietly hands you a bottle of water sitting on your end table. You don’t say anything, too, just a whisper of ‘thanks’ as you try to sit up.

“Hansol?” you finally say, looking at him, and he’s glad you don’t seem sick though he notices how tired you are.

What you say next breaks his heart. “Where’s Seokmin?”

“Oh… he’s outside with Seungkwan and Shua,” he tells you, dejected. “Should I call him?”

He’s not sure why the shake of your head eases his heart a little. “How are you feeling? Seokmin says you have a hard time breathing at times?”

Of course, you think to yourself. Of course, Seokmin will end up needing to say that story you have put together. It’s not exactly made up, either, remembering the flowers really make it hard to breathe.

“Ah… yeah. I’m okay now, just needed a little rest. I’m sorry for ruining the day,” you say, genuinely upset at the turns of event.

“Why would you be sorry? It’s okay. It’s me who has to be sorry, I couldn’t even do anything to help.” Hansol clenches his jaw at the memory, hating how he just sat there, not knowing what to do.

“No, no, no. It’s okay. I wouldn’t know too if I was you. Seokmin… uh… has a bit of experience, so he knows how to help,” you tell him, a bit upset that Hansol is blaming himself.

The both of you fall silent for a moment, suddenly not knowing what else to say. Fortunately, Joshua opens the door to your room.

“Oh! You’re awake? How are you feeling? My poor baby,” Joshua says, entering the room and immediately pulling you into a bear hug. Seokmin and Seungkwan follow in not long after, Seokmin has to tell him repeatedly that you wouldn’t mind him in the room.

“Young director wasn’t called to work?” you ask, trying to lighten up the mood.

Joshua just shakes his head in amusement, dropping a kiss on top of your head. “Young director has a friend he needs to take care of.”

You giggle at him, hitting his shoulder. “I am flattered.”

“Who says the friend is you? It’s Seokmin. Poor guy is alone taking care of you,” Joshua shoots back, and you just snicker in return, looking at Seokmin and Seungkwan together.

“Hey, Seungkwan,” you address him, feeling bad that the both time you hang out with him end up this way. “I’m sorry for the bad impressions. I swear I’m not usually sick all the time.”

The guy immediately shakes his head, making his way to you, next to his boyfriend. “Oh, no! I’m glad you’re better now. Have you taken your medicines?”

You turn to Seokmin, why, you’re not sure, but the gesture isn’t missed by Hansol. “I… uh… haven’t gone to the doctor yet.”

“Why?” Seungkwan asks, surprised. “Seokmin says you’ve been like this for at least a month. You should have it checked.”

You’re glad that he sounds genuinely concerned for you, someone he barely knows. But how are you supposed to tell him there’s no medicine for your illness?

“It doesn’t happen really often,” you manage to sprout lies on the spot. “So, I didn’t think it was necessary. I’ll go if it happens again, I promise.”

To be frank, Hansol isn’t satisfied with your answer. He’s not sure what you’re hiding nor why, but he knows you and Seokmin well enough to know there’s something you both are hiding. He doesn’t want to push, though, at least not now.

“I’ll send you some vitamin that might help with your immune, okay? You’ll know when it arrives,” Seungkwan offers good-naturedly and you already know the guy won’t take no as an answer, so you just smile gratefully at him.

“What time is it? Have you guys eaten dinner?” You ask, feeling somewhat suffocated in your room. “Should we order something?”

The lot of you decide to have a movie night because everyone is already here, anyway. You’ve finished dinner and tomorrow is Sunday, so no one sees the need to rush home because everyone seems to want to take care of you. Even Seungkwan.

“Your tea,” Seokmin nudges you, having gone back from the kitchen to get you the usual tea. You mutter a small thanks, telling him to sit next to you on the sofa. Hansol frowns at the familiarity, it almost feels like Seokmin basically lives here.

He wonders once again if it’s been that long since he hangs out with you. Everything that you usually do with him has shifted to Seokmin. He’s not sure when did this happen, whether it’s purposeful or not. But he knows for sure that even if you and Seokmin are close friends to begin with, it’s not to this extend.

“Is that peppermint?” Seungkwan asks, picking up the faint smell.

“Yuppp,” you say, taking a sip from the mug. Hansol turns to you, and you look at him with confusion. Assuming he wants to taste the tea, you hand it to him only for him to look at you weirdly.

“You drink your tea warm?” he asks, knowing well you love your drinks cold. “You barely even drink tea?”

You blink at him, at loss of words. “Ah… um…”

“It helps calming her down,” Seokmin answers helpfully. “My… friend used to drink this before, said it helps.”

The way your eyes shift sadly to Seokmin doesn’t go unnoticed, and it’s starting to get on Hansol’s nerves. He doesn’t know how many times he’s caught the secret, knowing glance you’ve shared with the older guy.

“So, what are we watching?” Joshua asks, sitting on the floor near you, leaning on the feet of the sofa you’re sitting at.

“I don’t mind anything,” you say, leaning your head on Seokmin’s shoulder.

“You want to have the honor, Boo Seungkwan? This is your first movie night with us, after all,” Seokmin offer, looking at the guy.

“The honor of being decisive?” he asks, earning a laugh from all of you.

A few hours later, whatever movie Seungkwan has randomly chosen is long forgotten. Joshua passes out on the floor, Seungkwan falls asleep holding the small cushion, and you’re settled in Seokmin’s shoulder while the guy is leaning back on your head.

Hansol simply watches the scene in front of him from the kitchen, having been woken up by his bladder a few minutes ago. It’s almost 3 in the morning and everyone’s still here because no one seems to be eager to leave you after witnessing such episode.

He kinds of get why Seokmin stays around. That’s just the kind of person that he is; caring and selfless. His eyes settle on the sight of Seokmin and his best friend, cuddled together like it’s the most natural thing to do.

Maybe it is. He doesn’t know anymore.

Hansol looks back on the past few months, a question lingering in his mind. Has he been neglecting you? Has he been too caught up with his work and his newfound relationship that he forgets about you? Sure, he’s been spending less time with you, but he doesn’t think it’s to the point where he neglects you.

Looking down at the glass he’s holding, he notices it’s a new one he’s yet to see. A very weird thing to notice, but that’s just how much intertwined your life is with his. He looks around the kitchen, wondering why he feels alien in a place that’s basically his other home.

Another weird thing to notice; he can’t find the mug he bought you from a long time ago, one that you always say is your favorite and always drinks from. He remembers teasing you once about it; asking why you always use that mug. You had just shrugged, telling him it’s cute and you like using it.

He also doesn’t see the pink daisy ceramic he got you from last year. It’s just a cute decoration that he thinks you’d like and bought on impulse; you’ve always liked cute decorations, after all. In its original place is a puppy decoration, he wonders where did you get it from. Probably Seokmin.

He frowns at the thought. What on earth is he doing? Why would he be bitter at the thought of Seokmin buying you stuffs? He should be glad that someone is taking care of you during this time. Not upset that you’re replacing—wait.

Is it you that’s getting further from him? Did he do something wrong? Did he upset you?

Hansol sighs. He knows thinking about this by himself will not do him any good. He’ll have to talk to you.

His eyes wander to your figure, safely nestling in Seokmin’s warmth. He doesn’t realize how much he’s missed yours against his.

[17:32] You: SOS!!!!

[17:32] You: SOS!!!!!!!!

[17:33] You: SOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEOKMIN!!!!!!!!!!

[17:37] You: oh god ur on a meeting arent u?

[17:37] You: hansol texted me saying he wanna talk

[17:38] You: im so scared D:

[17:38] You: do u think he found out?

[17:41] You: he said hes gna be here in 15 mins

[17:42] You: wish me luck

[17:42] You: if I die u kno why

[18:19] Seokmin: Oh god im sorry I was in a meeting

[18:20] Seokmin: ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[18:20] Seokmin: That is NOT something to joke around

[18:20] Seokmin: Are you still talking to him?

[18:25] Seokmin: ????????? Hello???????

[18:27] (1) Missed Call from Seokmin

[18:32] Seokmin: Will go to your place as soon as I’m off work

[18:34] Seokmin: Please be okay

It’s not surprising that you’re coughing daisies the moment you read Hansol’s text. Did he find out somehow? Does that mean Seungkwan know? Is he going to end your friendship?

You should’ve told Hansol you were not home. Should’ve told him you promised Chaeyoung to go to her apartment and make sure everything’s good. But no—how were you supposed to know when Hansol asked if you’re home (he knows you have the day off) it would be because he wants to talk? What a sentence to send your anxiety up through the roof.

He’s been extra conscious around you since that day, you notice. Maybe he’s scared you’ll be having difficulty breathing again, maybe he… found out somehow? You exhale a deep breath, closing your eyes.

Seokmin just has to be having a meeting at this time. The thought of him calms you down a little; you imagine the way he clasps your face in his hands, telling you to breath and focus on him.

It helps.

But you wish it’s him right now calming you down and not a fragment of your imagination.

Once you’re calm enough, you look down at the petals on your sofa and clean them up as best as you can. You throw them away to the bin in your kitchen, hoping Hansol won’t have any business looking through your trash.

You’re still trying to go through Seokmin when Hansol arrives, casually coming into your apartment as if he didn’t send you something so vague that almost trigger a heart attack.

“Have you eaten?” is the first thing he says. He doesn’t sound angry—he doesn’t sound anything, to be honest. You can’t tell. It’s frustrating.

“Just a few snacks, did you bring food?” you answer, making your way to the kitchen where Hansol is opening up the plastic bag.

Hansol just hums. “Got you some chicken.”

“Oooh,” you exclaim excitedly, trying to act like you’re not scared out of your mind.

He sets out another plastic bag, smaller. “Here’s some vitamin from Seungkwan. He’s about to have them delivered but I told him I’m meeting you anyway.”

Your heart clenches a little at the name, albeit still thankful for the guy. “I’ll send him a DM to say thanks.”

“Let’s eat?” he turns to you, though his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“It’s been so long since we eat together like this, right?” you say, not believing it’s you who’s saying it.

“Yeah. I’ve been busy in the studio and our schedules seem to never meet these days,” he says. You know what he’s saying: you haven’t been trying to make your schedules work around each other.

You look down guiltily, glad that Hansol is focusing on his food. “I’m sorry. It’s just been really hectic. Is all good in the studio?”

Both you and Hansol know it’s a very lame attempt on changing the topic, but he lets it pass for now. “Yeah. Jihoon has been helping me a lot, I can’t thank him enough, really.”

“Are you working together? Or is he just helping you?” you ask, recognizing the name.

“Both, I guess. Sometimes he’s just helping me, but we do have an ongoing work together,” he shrugs.

You feel bad, you really do. If you have to ask Hansol about his works in the studio instead of him blabbing about it himself, it means you’ve gone long enough not talking to him.

You’re lost. You can’t possibly ignore Hansol little by little and expect him to be okay with it. But going on with your life like before isn’t a choice with hanahaki growing inside your body. There’s no right way to do it. You can’t imagine living without feelings, either. It’s much too scary even compared to living this way.

Maybe ignoring him little by little until he’s fed up with you might be a good choice. Maybe that would result in you moving on because you’ll see him less and less. But can you live in a world without Hansol? Romantic feelings or not, he is your best friend and you, his. What you have with him is much too wonderful to let go of.

It’s getting clear to you why some people decide to hold on til the very end to the point of risking their own lives. There’s no way out of this, even more for an emotional being like you. You can only hope your body is able to hold on until your feelings pass.

You’ve let go of the possibility of Hansol returning your feelings since a long time ago. You know how Hansol sees you. You’re his best friend, another sister that he loves and cares for with all his heart.

You don’t even know how you fall in this mess, how you end up liking your best friend to this point—how the sight of him with someone he loves brings tears to your eyes. It’s never been like this; you’ve always supported his relationships with all you’ve got; never bitter and somewhat jealous.

Deep in your thought, you don’t realize Hansol has been starring at you this whole time; wondering what goes through your mind. When he realizes you’ve long since abandoned the food in front of you, he chooses to quietly pushes them aside and does what he comes for.

“Can I ask you something?” his voice is quiet, and no one would be able to catch the hesitance in his voice other than you.

“Of course,” you tell him, your voice just as quiet. Your heart is beating so fast that you’re sure Hansol could’ve heard it if he tries.

“Did I do something that upset you?” he looks up, meeting your eyes.

If only he knows how backward his assumption is.

“Why would you ask that?” you ask back instead, though you know for sure he’s noticed you’ve been making distance between the two of you.

Hansol knows you know, but he will go on your pace if it means he’ll get to the end of it. “I feel like you’ve been keeping yourself from me, you know? I didn’t even know you’re sick and suddenly we found out you’ve been sick for at least a month. And it’s not even something small like cold—you literally have a hard time breathing.”

You bite down your lip, not knowing how to approach this in a way that doesn’t hurt your best friend. “It’s just… I know you’ve been busy with work a lot more than before and I don’t want you to worry too much, you know?”

“Come on, we know each other better than that,” he finally says, not buying your reason at all.

“I…” you sigh, not liking having to lie to him of all people. “At first I didn’t think it was that bad. But it got worse and it kinda scares me. I feel like… talking about it will make it real so I’m reluctant to talk about it, Sol.”

“But it’s fine that Seokmin knows?”

Ah. There it is. The first tone of annoyance. You’ve been expecting it, to be honest, but you didn’t think it would come with the mention of Seokmin.

“You do know he finds out by accident, right? It just happens that he has a friend who went through similar things so he’s been helping me,” you answer calmly, it’s not too far off the reality, anyway.

“Does it not occur to you that I’d like to know if my best friend is sick?”

“Look, I’m sorry that you have to find out that way, okay? It’s just been really scary to me and…,” you pause to inhale before exhaling again, worrying Hansol. “And I know you’ve been busy with work and you seem so happy with Seungkwan that—”

“What?” he cuts you off, not expecting Seungkwan to actually come up. “What does this have to do with him?”

You hold a hand up, coughing a little. Fortunately, there’s no petals in sight. “I know you, Sol. I have never seen you this happy with someone and I’m glad you find him. But you’ve been really happy these days and I don’t want you to worry.”

“Do you realize how stupid you sound?” he asks, coming off harsher than he thought he would. “That’s not a good reason not to tell me you’ve been suffering by yourself!”

You can feel anger bubbling inside you at the way he’s almost screaming. You can’t fully blame him, you realize, but it doesn’t mean his words hurt any less. “Well, I’m sorry if I want my best friend to be happy and spend his time with his boyfriend instead of worrying about me!”

“Where does this even come from?” he demands, and you can tell that he’s more annoyed than he is angry. “You’ve never been like this even when I was in a relationship before. You always tell me things anyway! What changes?!”

“It’s different, okay?!” you scream back at him, though Hansol is nowhere as loud as you are. “It’s not the same and it doesn’t matter! Shouldn’t it be good that you don’t have to take care of me, anyway?”

Hansol looks at you in disbelief, hurt that you would think he’d be glad not having to take care of you. “Why does it not matter that you’re hiding things from me? Do you think I take you as a burden? Or are you telling me you’d rather have Seokmin take care of you rather than me? Is that it?”

Hansol isn’t sure how you’re feeling right now. But he immediately regrets his words when he catches the sight of tears in your eyes. He never thought the conversation would turn this way. At most, he thought you’ll just eventually spill whatever’s been going on with Seokmin, not a big fight where you’re screaming and seemingly out of breath and—

He immediately scrambles to your side, unsure what to do but he figures holding you should be the first step—that’s what Seokmin did, right?

You weakly try to push him away, though to Hansol it just feels like you’re placing your hand on his chest. “Are… are you okay?”

It is then that he hears the front door opening, Seokmin coming through and immediately pulls you away from him, so gently that Hansol doesn’t even have it in him to be annoyed. He can still hear the guy panting, probably from rushing here. Did you tell Seokmin to come? Knowing he will be here? Why?

Hansol can see you trembling, coughing over and over again in Seokmin’s embrace. “Hansol can you—”

“No, I won’t leave,” he cuts the older guy off, already knowing what he’s going to say. Why would he ask him to leave when there’s a more important matter at hand? When you’re like this?

“Hansol, please,” he pleads, and Hansol can tell that he doesn’t mean anything bad, but he just doesn’t understand why he needs to leave and it’s frustrating to say the least.

He can see you shaking your head at Seokmin, whispering something that’s not for him to hear.

“But—” he can hear Seokmin say, but you just shake your head some more and Seokmin looks at you with worry. Hansol feels like this is something that he shouldn’t be witnessing; a scene so intimate and he feels like an outsider. And it’s just so so wrong for him to feel this way in your presence. You’re his best friend, his shoulder to lean on when everyone’s against him.

Hansol looks at you in concern when your coughing won’t stop, your face still hiding from his sight as your forehead leans on Seokmin’s shoulder. He notices the way one of your hands is gripping Seokmin’s flannel so hard and your other hand—

Is that daisies?

He rubs his eyes a little, thinking he’s seen wrong. But when you finally stop coughing only to lay helplessly in Seokmin’s arms, he gets a clear view of your other hand relaxing and the pink petals falling down from your grip.

Hansol looks up in disbelief, hoping Seokmin will say something—anything. It can’t be what he thinks it is, right?

But Seokmin doesn’t say anything, just carries you to your room with petals trailing down his steps.

“How long has it been going on?” his voice is much too quiet, so weak and full of guilt.

Seokmin closes the door behind him, readying himself for whatever talk is about to come. “Are you sure you want to hear this from me?”

“Do you think she’ll tell me?”

“Seeing the way she gives up hiding from you earlier? Who knows,” he shrugs, taking a seat in the sofa near Hansol.

Seokmin never thinks he will see the day Hansol’s voice falters from holding back tears. “Will she be okay?”

“You know we have no way of knowing that,” he answers truthfully, feeling bad for the guy.

“Didn’t you say it was getting better? Is that a lie?” he asks again, his feelings all over the place.

“Yes, she was getting better. But we’re not sure why. She…” Seokmin cringes a little, not liking having to remember the time you were suffering most. “There was a time when she was coughing actual flowers. It’s just petals now, which is better, but we’re not sure why it turned back to petals.”

Hansol is quiet for a while, processing the whole thing. That’s why you’ve been distancing yourself from him. Because that’s the only thing you can try to do to fix this illness. He’s not sure if it’ll even work, he knows how you are and you tend to love hard. He never thinks he’ll be at the receiving end of your romantic love, even more when he’s in a serious relationship that has little to no problem.

It’s clear now. It’s clear and it’s so so fucked up that he refuses to believe it. Why… why would you even fall for him that way?

That’s why you’ve been hiding it from him, he realizes. You already know he would try to help with everything that he can even if there’s really no way for him to help. He’d blame himself and it will just get worse after that. You were doing him a favour, making things easier for the both of you by enduring it alone.

“I’m…” he says again, having calmed down. “Is there anything I can help with?”

Seokmin shakes his head sadly. It’s always this question when it comes to hanahaki. And the answer is always no, there’s no way to force feelings turn certain ways at your own will.

“How do you help her?” he asks again, making the older guy turn to him in confusion.

“I’m just here to help her when she needs me to. I… I don’t actually help with the disease,” he answers truthfully.

Raising one of his eyebrows up, he observes the older guy carefully. “And that’s why you’re with her like… almost every day?”

“Dude, this is not the time to be talking about this,” he tries to reason, knowing well enough where the conversation is going.

The room falls silent again, both men are full of their own thoughts. Hansol is distressed, that much Seokmin can tell, but he’s somehow shifted back to his calm self after a few moments of silence and thinking to himself. It’s something that Seokmin has envied of the younger guy: how calm and collected he is. In fact, today is probably the most Hansol has ever lost his calm even only for a while.

“I’ve seen the way you look at her, you know?” Hansol starts, his voice barely a whisper, and Seokmin is about to deny whatever Hansol is going to say but he won’t let him. “And I’ve seen how good you take care of her and how protective you are towards her. If there’s anyone who deserves her between the two of us, it’s you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Seokmin harshly says, shaking his head. “It doesn’t work that way. She’s sick because of her feelings for you and it doesn’t matter how I feel about her.”

Hansol exhales, Seokmin’s words hurt but he understands where he’s coming from. “This is really not my place to say but she’s there. She’s just in denial and thinks she’s still in love with me because of the flowers. But—”

“The flowers do not lie, Hansol.”

“Yeah, that’s why they’re turning back into petals, don’t you think?” he finally says, trying to sound convincing thought he’s not absolutely sure himself.

“You’ve been spending so much time with her, right? And just like you’ve started falling for her, she has, too. Just… maybe she doesn’t believe she can move on that fast—because that’s how she is. She loves hard and deep. But maybe—”

“That’s why it’s not possible, Hansol. She loves someone else now there’s no way—”

“No! Listen to me,” he demands, surprising the older guy. “Just like I’ve seen the way you look at her, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She depends on you so much. Fuck, she looks for you the moment she woke up the other day, does that mean nothing?”

Shaking his head, Seokmin sighs again at Hansol. “She’s just used to having me at times like that.”

“That’s exactly it, hyung!” he exclaims, starting to get frustrated. “You know her. She’s independent, would rather suffer alone rather than ask for help. But you’ve been her shelter this whole time and she doesn’t mind being weak in front of you. She seeks your comfort like it’s the most natural thing to do, because, maybe, for her, it is.”

Hansol can see the gears turning in Seokmin’s head, he knows him well enough to know he’s considering his words very carefully. “Please just… think about what I said, okay?”

When Hansol stands up to leave, Seokmin looks up at him, confused. “Where are you going?”

“Back,” he simply says. “As much as I want to, I don’t think it’s me she should be seeing right now. She’d need time before facing me. Tell her I’ll come back tomorrow. Take care of her well in my stead, okay?”

Seokmin hasn’t answered when the door closes.

“Seokmin?” your sleepy voice greets him, eyes barely open. He can feel his heart warming; you’re barely awake and the first thing you do is to look for him. Not Hansol. Him.

“Am here,” he says, helping you sit up. “Drink this. I’ll go make some tea, okay?”

You take the water bottle from his hand, nodding slowly. “What happened to Hansol?”

“I’ll tell you later, don’t worry,” he says vaguely, and you just nod at his words.

Hearing how empty the apartment is, you guess Hansol has gone back. Maybe Seokmin has convinced him to do so, maybe he’s so mad that he leaves. You have no idea. You don’t even have the courage to check your phone, afraid there would be messages from Hansol, or even Seungkwan telling you to get out of their lives. They’re not that kind of person, you know, but today has been mentally exhausting and everything suddenly seems plausible.

Maybe it’s for the better that you pass out so you don’t have to face Hansol immediately.

“You okay?” Seokmin’s voice drags you out of your thoughts, calming you down within seconds along with the smell of peppermint.

“Just… disoriented. What happened?” you ask, taking the cup from him as he sits down beside you on the bed. When did it get so normal for Seokmin to do this, you wonder? Going in and out of your room, making teas, sitting on your bed.

“He… asks how long has it been and how are you holding up,” he sums up, unsure how to tell you the later part of his conversation with your best friend.

“Is he… mad?” you ask, your voice small. Seokmin notices the way you’re holding the cup a little too tight, so he takes it away from you and places his hand in yours instead. A habit you’ve both developed when one is fidgety.

He shakes his head, much to your relief. “Just… upset that there’s nothing he can do to help. He leaves because he says you’ll need time before facing him, and it might be better if I’m the only one you see once you wake up.”

You smile a little before taking your place in Seokmin’s shoulder. The talk with Hansol about Seokmin makes you a little too aware of the things you do with the guy, have you always been this close with him? That you crave his warmth when seeking for comfort?

“He’ll be back tomorrow, though,” Seokmin continues, much to your dismay.

“So much for giving me time.” You sigh, already tired for tomorrow. “Will you be there?”

The finger that was caressing your knuckle stops, making you look up at him. “I… I don’t think I should? Wouldn’t it be better if you can talk it all out with him?”

You frown, the thought of facing Hansol without Seokmin scares you a little. But you know he’s right. It’s about time you talk to Hansol about everything. “Will you be there once it’s done, then?”

Seokmin almost blushes at your innocent question. He can’t think of a time where you’re this dependent on others. “As long as you want me to.”

You chuckle a little, snuggling further into his shoulder. “Why would I not want you around me?”

Seokmin is sure you can hear his loud heartbeat from where you’re at. He closes his eyes, thinking about Hansol’s words. It doesn’t seem possible, and he doesn’t want to take the risk of losing your friendship. But what if…?

“Are you okay?” you ask, now facing him. He’s been too quiet for your liking.

Seokmin looks at you, his gaze making you feel warm for reasons that you’re not sure of. When he cups your face in his hands, you don’t know why you let him be and not question him even for a second.

His thumb caresses your cheek softly, and you feel yourself drowning in his eyes.

“Can I… try something?” he whispers, and you can feel his breath fanning your face.

Deep down, you know what he’s about to do. You’ve watched enough movies, read enough fictions to know where this is going, and yet you just nod and let him do whatever he’s planning to do. But you shouldn’t, right? You’re in love with Hansol, right? You shouldn’t let Seokmin—

Any further thought you might have is lost once his lips meet yours. They’re soft, and so warm, and it feels like a fleeting dream because he pulls away almost immediately.

He blinks continuously, eyes wide as if he just realizes what he did. You can tell he’s about to apologize, but you don’t see anything he should be sorry for. So, before he can say anything, it’s your turn to hold his face in your hands and kisses him again like you’ve always been wanting to do it.

The kiss is longer now, but there’s no rush between your kiss. Just your lips against his, over and over again. You don’t know if you’ve ever kissed someone and feel so warm inside. Almost like, for once, the flowers within you are happily blooming instead of demanding to get outside.

This is wrong, right? You shouldn’t be doing this with him when both you and him know for sure there’s flowers inside you because of a love left alone.

It doesn’t seem to matter for now, though, your lips melting with each other like your lives depend on it. Your head says it’s so wrong yet it doesn’t feel so. Not even the tiniest bit. His touch is nothing but gentle and your whole body seems to be on fire from his lingering warmth. You have somehow ended up on his lap, one of his arms around your waist and his other hand is on the back of your neck.

“I…” Seokmin says breathily, his forehead against yours.

You shake your head, head once again making its way to his shoulder. You don’t know if you can look at him in the eyes. “Don’t apologize.”

“Okay,” he simply says, fingers waving through your hair.

It’s a shame no one is able to see the smiles gracing both your and Seokmin’s face.

“He kissed you, didn’t he?”

“Chwe Hansol!”

“He so did,” Hansol grins from across you and you can’t believe that’s the first thing he tells you once he arrives.

You don’t say anything back, just buries yourself further into the cushion in your arms as your face is red from embarrassment.

He smiles in return, though his heart is still heavy with the fact that you’ve been suffering for months because of him.

Hansol sits down beside you, his arms itching to hug you but he’s not sure if you’re comfortable enough. He settles to play with the ring in his finger, facing you. “How… how are you feeling?”

“I’m much better now, I promise,” you say softly, still unable to look at Hansol in the eyes. At least the atmosphere isn’t as heavy as you thought it would be.

“How long has it been going on?” he asks, though there’s no pressure in his voice.

“4 or 5 months, I think,” you tell him, fidgeting in your seat.

“You know I’m not mad, right?”

You look up at your best friend at last, it pains you that his eyes seem hesitant, as if he doesn’t know what to make of this situation. But, then again, who would?

“Yes, I’m upset that you’ve been going through this. But I understand that it wouldn’t be easy to tell me,” he continues, still waiting for your reaction.

“I didn’t know how it comes to this, too, Sol.” Your voice is small, so defeated and it breaks his heart.

“Can I hug you?” he asks at last, and you hesitate for a second before nodding your head. He moves to embrace you; his warmth brings tears to your eyes. How long has it been since you last have Hansol comfort you like this? Why are you put in a situation where you have to avoid even the thought of your best friend?

Hansol has always been your pillar, yet you have to set a distance between you and him for the past few months because of this damned disease. There’s not even a guarantee it will help, but that’s the least (and probably most) that you can do to ease the flowers a little.

“I’m sorry I put you through this,” he sincerely whispers, his arms getting a little tighter. “I know we have no say in our feelings and it’s no one’s fault. I can’t imagine why you’re not angry at me. I’m basically the reason why you’re risking your life here.”

In the span of 8 years you’ve known Hansol, you’ve seen Hansol cry once. You were still in middle school and his mom was rushed to the hospital because of a hit and run accident. You were there, holding his hand while Hansol broke down at the thought of his mom in the hospital bed unmoving.

You’re not 100% sure Hansol is crying now. But if the heavy breathing and his cracking voice mean something, you know he’s trying hard to hold it back.

“You know it’s not your fault,” you tell him softly, your arms finally going around his waist to hug him back. “How can I blame you over something you have no idea about? It’s not like you curse me yourself, Sol.”

“But still,” he sighs, leaning back so he can see your face. “I’ve heard of it, and I know how hard it is. You’ve been suffering for months… I don’t… I don’t think I can ever imagine how is it for you.”

“I’ll get better,” you tell him as you let your arms go, not expecting yourself to sound so sure. “I told you I’m getting better, right? Maybe you’re not that attractive after all,” you try to joke a little, an attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

“Maybe I’m falling for you,” his voice rumbles, though you can tell he’s not serious. Surprisingly, you have it in you to glare at him with mock offence.

“Don’t joke around like that. I’m telling Seungkwan,” you shoot back, hitting his shoulder, surprised that the tingling feelings in your rib doesn’t do anything further.

At the mention of his boyfriend, he scrunches his nose a little, feeling bad that he has somewhat forced you to get along with him during the time. “He’s been asking me if you’re taking your vitamins well, you know.”

“I have. Though I don’t know if it actually helps with hanahaki. My body does feel better, though.”

The room falls silent after that, as if the both of you not sure how to go forward after that.

You decide to speak first, looking down at your hands. “I’m glad you found him, Sol. He seems very nice and I can tell he cares for you a lot. It’s clear that you fit each other well.”

Hansol has never had his feelings mixed as much as this very moment. He’s happy that you seem to like Seungkwan, yet, at the same time, his blooming relationship has costed you something that might even endanger your life.

You’ve always been a best friend for Hansol, that much is clear. And he never considers you to be a potential girlfriend, that possibility has been gone since high school when he had a crush on you one-sidedly. He can still remember the forced smile he had to put on when you introduced him to your boyfriend at the time, some guy called Seungcheol from the soccer team.

Once the feeling has passed, he promises to himself he’ll take care of you with all his life, that he’ll never let go of this friendship he’s sure he would never find in anyone else.

And then this just has to happen.

“I know you and I know what you’re thinking,” you say again, not wanting Hansol to feel guilty for anything regarding this disease. “Don’t feel sorry for being in a happy relationship. I genuinely like Seungkwan, you know? Glad that there’s someone who’s able to drag you out of your studio when you’re in a trance. We both know how much of a pain you are during then.”

Hansol smiles a little, knowing how he can forget literally everything when he’s holed in his studio. “I can’t help but feel guilty, you know that. But I’m glad you have Seokmin to take care of you when I can’t.”

Uh oh.

The Seokmin talk is coming.

“Yeah, he’s been so kind. I don’t know if I can hold out this well if not for him,” you tell him honestly anyway.

“Huh, really,” he simply says, holding back a grin.

You pinch him lightly, unamused. “Not the time, Sol.”

“He told me that too last night,” he seems like he’s absolutely liking the situation for someone who was holding back tears a few moments ago.

“Do I even want to hear about this?” you sigh, talking more to yourself than to him.

“Hear me out, okay?” his tone slips back to a serious one, trying to convince you he’s not joking around.

“You’ve been getting better, right?”

A nod.

“And the flowers have somehow gone back to petals, right?”

Another nod.

“I… I can’t say I’m 100% sure but what if…” he hesitates, as if suddenly realizing he might be giving you a false hope for a way out.

“Go on?” you tell him, curious.

“What if it’s because of Seokmin?”

“You’re kidding.”

Hansol groans, already knowing how you’d initially react. “No, I’ve got valid reasons, ‘kay?”

The look you’re giving him tells him you’re no longer as attentive to his words, but your silence encourages him to continue. “You’ve been spending so much time with him the past few months. Like, almost to the point where we were always together during school, you know? He���s a busy man, his schedules aren’t exactly flexible and we both know that. But he always makes time to be there for you, and I know he has become your safe place without you even realizing.”

You bite your lip at his words, he sounds plausible but the flowers you’ve been throwing up all these months seem to disagree with his theory.

“I know, okay? I know you still have flowers inside you,” he pauses, taking a breath. “But I think… I think maybe you’re still in denial of your growing feelings towards him that’s why the flowers are still there. Maybe… maybe that’s why they turned back to petals. Because your feelings towards me are fading without you realizing.”

“But… even if it’s true why am I still throwing up daisies literally yesterday, Sol?” you ask him, giving in to the idea bit by bit.

“I don’t know. Maybe your feelings are all over the place with me suddenly wanting to talk. Some kind of shock reaction?” he says hesitantly, though not without logic.

When you offer nothing, Hansol continues, holding your hand in his. “But as I said… maybe you’re also confused. Because this illness says you’re… you’re in love with me but you’re feeling something towards him, too. And you cling to both feelings, because it doesn’t make sense that you’re coughing petals but your feelings for Seokmin also grow.”

Hansol lets you think for a while, simply observing you as you consider his words. It’s not completely crazy, and it’s true that Seokmin has been your comfort upon this hanahaki mess. You always look for him first at any given situation, the thought of having him come over excites you more than you’d like to admit.

Seokmin has rooted his presence so deep in your life and, even if at first he’s just concerned as a friend, you know well enough that these days your time with him has been beyond that. He doesn’t just come because he’s worried you’ll need someone to help you, it has become a part of his routine and he does it because he wants to.

It’s the very same way you’ve been nagging him to stop working overtime because he can’t say no to taking care of Minghao’s share of works in his stead because that coworker of his has been busy with moving into a new apartment.

Both you and Seokmin have started to take care of each other like it’s second nature way before you even realize. And yesterday…

The kiss should mean something, right? He wouldn’t have done it if he feels nothing towards you, right?

The thought of the kiss makes you warm again inside, something fluttering inside you and you’re half afraid you’ll be coughing petals once more. But it never comes. Whatever causes that feeling inside you simply settles after a while.

You’re not sure what to make of it.

At that moment, Hansol pulls you into a hug, startling you. “I know you’re confused, but don’t think too hard about it, okay? You will figure out what you’re feeling sooner or later. Just… consider what I said and try to let your feelings grow for Seokmin without thinking about your feelings about me. I’ve seen the way you act around him and you know I’m not one to say stuffs without thinking, right?”

You simply nod. What Hansol has been saying isn’t absolutely off the grid, you admit. But why does it suddenly seem too simple of a remedy?

“Don’t think too much,” Hansol reminds you once again, dropping a brotherly kiss on top of your head before standing up.

“You’re going?”

He simply nods, giving you a smile as he walks backwards to make his way to the door. “Seokmin’s here. Mingyu texted me earlier.”

You open your mouth to say something, but Hansol cuts you off before opening the door. “Next time, I won’t be so lenient on the fact that he’s kissing you, okay?”

You gasp in disbelief, not believing Hansol has the audacity to end the talk that way. You’re about to scream at the guy when Seokmin comes in, the door closing behind him with Hansol screaming a short ‘Bye!’.

“Did… did it go okay?” he asks timidly. If the way Hansol happily goes out indicates anything, the talk must’ve gone a lot better than he thought it would.

You shake your head, making Seokmin confused but worried as he quickly kneels down in front of you near the sofa. "It didn’t? Then why did he look so happy?”

You wave your hand at him, still shaking your head. “No, no. It went well. I just… it’s nothing.”

Seokmin doesn’t think it’s nothing, but he won’t push if you don’t want to talk about it now.

“Were you waiting outside?” you ask instead, remembering what Hansol said.

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you still want me to accompany you after…” he pauses, his ears reddening.

“After what we did yesterday?” you suggest, quirking your eyebrow.

“Why would you say it like we did something we’re not supposed to be doing,” he complains, though you can tell he’s embarrassed.

You laugh, warming his heart. “You’re the one who were talking like that! And I did tell you not to apologize.”

Seokmin sighs, moving to sit beside you instead. “Yes, but… Nevermind. So, you’re good with him?”

“You can say that. It went much better than what I expected. Though, frankly, I didn’t know what I expected,” you shrug, your head falling to his shoulder.

It’s so easy to be with Seokmin.

“Hansol…” you start, playing with the hem of his sweater. “He says something that… kinda makes sense but I’m not sure how to take it.”

Seokmin tenses a little, somehow already having an idea about what he might said. “About what?”

“You and me,” you say softly. Seokmin is sure he wouldn’t have caught it if he hadn’t been so close to you, but the thought of you and him out of your mouth brings butterflies to his stomach.

“And what about us?” he asks, his voice careful, though he moves to finally take your hand in his.

“That you might be what I need to… get better.” You look up to him, not surprised that his eyes are already gazing into yours.

Seokmin smiles, a very tender smile that would’ve made your knees weak if you hadn’t been sitting down. “Did he say that, really?”

You just nod, somewhat embarrassed under his piercing gaze. “That he’s seen me around you and he says I’m probably denying my feelings for you.”

He can’t even hold back the smile flashing his face, heart so full though there’s still doubt lingering there. “Are you sure we should be talking about this now?”

In all honesty, you’re always grateful that Seokmin is always so understanding, so mindful with what you do and how you feel. You wish he’d be more selfish at times.

“I… don’t think he’s wrong,” you start slowly, holding his hand a little tighter. “He said the reason why the flowers turned back to petals might be because I’ve been falling for you. Also said that it’s possible that I’m confused with my feelings that’s why the flowers are still there.”

Seokmin hums, but you’re not sure what goes through his mind. “What do you want to do about it?”

You blink at the question, not expecting him to hand the decision to you. “Me? What about you?”

“You know I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” he raises his eyebrows as if what he says is the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don’t know…” you frown, taking your place back in his shoulder. “I think we need to consider it thoroughly what if—”

“What do you want to do?” he cuts you off, already knowing you’ll think too far off if not stopped. “What does your heart tell you to do about this?”

You stare at him, at this beautiful, kind-hearted man that has been taking care of you without rest these past few months. Someone who’s become a very big part of your life without meaning to, the man that is your home and always makes you warm and fuzzy inside. The man that turns the tingling feeling inside you pleasant and not terrifying.

“I think Hansol is right when he says I’ve been falling for you,” you manage to let out, burying your face in his shoulder. “And I think he’s right when he said I should let my feelings grow instead of clinging to my feelings for him.”

You can hear Seokmin smile, and a moment later he’s making you look at him so you won’t hide any longer. “You know I don’t mind waiting, right?”

You smile at him, both guilty for making him wait til the flowers are completely gone and giddy at the prospect of being with him. “Are you sure? When it’s time, we won’t have any indications whether I’m healed or not, you know. I’m not even sure what will happen at the end of it.”

Seokmin smiles again, and you wonder how on earth did you manage to live so close with Seokmin near you all this time without being the receiving end of his gentle touch and tender smile. “Then I’ll just have to stick with you until whenever, hm? I don’t mind spending as much time with you as possible.”

“We’ll find out together?” you ask him timidly, not even realizing your hands have been gripping his arms in support.

“We’ll find out together.”

And maybe, the flowers within you are still there not because you’re still in love with Hansol; but because they’re blooming for Seokmin—making butterflies flutter every time he flashes you his smile, or when his soft kisses greet your morning and end your night.

Whatever’s going to happen, you know it’s going to be okay. After all, you have Seokmin beside you and that’s all that matters.

a/n: how was that!!! hahaha i really really really hope you’ll like it and pls tell me what you think abt it T^T

[yoshkeii]

"𝙰 𝚜𝚑𝚢 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚑"

࿐ character(s): Ushijima Wakatoshi, Daichi Sawamura, Kuroo Tetsurou

࿐ genre: sfw, soft/fluff, comfort, tiny angst if you squint

࿐ type: headcanons (hcs)? / imagine

࿐ requested by: @dumpsterfireinc 

⌦  shymale!reader (he/him)

⌦ ‘if I can request comfort hcs for Ushijima, Daichi, Kuroo, and Oikawa who have a crush on as shy male!reader who thinks the boys should be with a girl and not him.’

A/N: i had to drop oikawa on this one since i cant seem to get his personality out?? i- uh-. i apologize- also my way of writing hcs is weird? idk why i like writing like that, but eventually they’ll shift- somehow- (i’ll probably make a proper hcs post if you want-)

1-16-2021: sorry in advanced if this took waaay to long. im doubting my writings. kinda shit but im just burnt out.

𝚄𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚓𝚒𝚖𝚊:

❀ Ushijima had a crush on you. of course he would, someone so soft, gentle, and shy. he actually found it cute you having those aspects. even though not a lot of people would enjoy such an introverted person at times.

❀ being shy would fit well together with his own personality generally. like being stoic and quiet himself. at some points he genuinely thought you and him were perfect. just two puzzle pieces that could fit together.

❀ he doesn’t know when he had a crush on you till Tendou or someone would bring it up. cause he always somehow had his eyes on you in the halls, classes, etc. 

❀ adding on to his personality, he is very blunt and straightforward with his words. and when you heard those three words from the intimidating captain. made your heart skip a beat, muscles tense, and mind race.

❀ “..y-you.. like me??” the softened tone in your voice echoed within the empty afterschool halls.

❀ “Yes. I just stated that.”

❀ “..I heard you.. you dummy..” you muttered the last words softly. fiddling with your fingers nervously, he always found you fidgeting with something whenever you were nervous or put on the spot. your gaze kept low.

❀ the silence only just settled. making Ushijima await another word from your smaller figure.

❀ but he didn’t expect those words to slip out of your mouth. he never did.

❀ “Why.. Why would you want to be with me.. instead.” your voice still kept your softened tone, but it had a faint hint of sadness. the slight wavering of your voice gave way.

❀ “..isn’t it better to be.. with a girl instead? t-they’re better options. pretty. talented. i-i don’t.. have any of those.”

❀ Ushijima just stared, unsure on what to do. no one told him this would be a scenario or a possibility. thought it was simply just a yes or no to a confession, something quick.

❀ “You also won’t l-look.. weird.. o-odd.. with-” your voice cracked, tears gathered in your eyes. quickly wiping them away with a sniff.

❀ “F-fuck I’m sorry.. for c-crying..” softly cursing as you nervously laughed.

❀ “y/n,” Ushijima lifted your head gently with his hand making sure your eyes looked up at him, “..I don’t care, if people will look at us weirdly. I don’t care if they all knew or not.”

❀ he wiped the tears dripping from your eyes as you stared at him with disbelief.

❀ “I like you. No- I love you. That’s that. I love y/n, and nothing will stop that.”

❀ shortly, tears poured from your eyes from his words. softly murmuring apologizes for crying over this accompanied w/ a smile on your face. Ushijima just wiping your tears away for you, seeing how your face just melts in his hand in comfort. regaining composure after a couple of reassurances from him.

❀ “I-I.. I love you.. t-too.. Wakatoshi..” 

𝙳𝚊𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒:

❀ mans had a big crush on you ever since you both had multiple shared classes. especially same homeroom.

❀ Daichi and you had an decent relationship, it wasn’t as close like he has with Sugawara or Asahi. having the same homeroom, he always found you alone and minding your own business a desk or two behind him in the back.

❀ sometimes exchanging the simple hellos and small talk whenever Suga and/or Asahi dared him to. knowing how his eyes occasionally drifts towards your direction of the room.

❀ for someone so quiet.. he didn’t know it could be a cute feature. an adorable one if he would say so himself. just seems too s o f t .

❀ your gentle voice always made his heart skip a beat, it was so calming. a remedy to his ears. after a few small talks and interactions, you both managed to hang out a little more often. being invited on study dates sessions since you were also pretty smart in the academics (brownie points!) 

❀ as of right now, his eyes were simply glued on you. just watching you talk about whatever subject. he really wasn’t paying attention... or at all. admiring your features from across the small table on the floor that was littered with notebooks, textbooks, papers and pens.

❀ he knew you were shy so he often kept things low and safe for you whenever you both hung out once in awhile. sometimes exchanging little sticky notes with each other to limit talking.

❀ once he confessed to you, through the last sticky note of his. not a manly way to really confess but he couldn’t figure anything else out for you. didnt want to scare you away.

❀ you stared up at the captain in slight doubt, going back to the note to reread the words written. ‘would you like to go out with me?’ tiny hearts here and there on the note.

❀ looking back up at him, you noticed the slight blush across his face. you realized he was serious.

❀ “..why would you want to go out with me?” your grip on the note slightly tightened, as thoughts began to flood your mind. “wouldn’t it be better- be better with a girl?? a-and.. not me.” you began to slip on your words, gaze slipping down to avoid his eyes as you noticed him looking up at you now.

❀ “..with.. a girl?” Daichi mustered out.

❀ “or.. anyone but... me. I’m not.. popular. I’m not.. p-pretty, c-cute.. handsome.. s-smart either...”  you began to ramble, negative thoughts after another.

❀ “H-hey y/n. y/n..!” Daichi was closer to you now, his hands on your shoulders hoping to get you out of your negative trance.

❀ it successfully worked, making you stop but your gaze still remain low. hearing a sigh from Daichi made you tensed, you liked him too. you loved him. but you don’t know if it was best for him to date you. or be in a relationship in that matter.

❀ Daichi wrapped his arms around you, “Don’t be so harsh to yourself. I denied most of the confessions... j-just.. to ask you out one day you know. I’m confident I want you more than any girl.” he muttered.

❀ noticing you relaxing in his arms made him slightly smile, feeling you hug back. your hands grasping the back of his gakuran, mustering the urge to cry you hid your face on his shoulders. eventually muffling out your soft sobs and various ‘i love you too’

𝙺𝚞𝚛𝚘𝚘:

𝚊/𝚗: 𝚐𝚘𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚒𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚎 𝚚𝚞𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐.

❀ it was obvious Kuroo was crushing on someone. and that someone was you. being one of the assistances, or at this point the team would’ve eventually called you their manager. often there to aid and help whenever needed so you stumbled by the gym many times to either drop something off for one of the members or coaches.

❀ always teasing and flirting with you, which wasn’t such an out-of-character of him. knowing him to be the master of provocation. but often when you weren’t there, he would start talking about you. unconsciously sometimes.

❀ which gave a big sign of his feelings, especially through Kenma. it wasn’t so hard to see, but you were dense and oblivious over it.

❀ he knew you liked him back eventually, seeing how you haven’t turned him down with any of his teases accompanied with the slight blush on your face each time. you were just too shy to say anything about it.

❀ he was aware that you were very shy and introverted. always seeing you staying back or infront of crowds in the hallway and avoided them at all costs. being observant he took note of it.

❀ always managing to catch you away from people or just a little people in the area, he used that time to talk to you more privately.

❀ you both began to get to know each other pretty well each time.

❀ exchanging interests and moments you’ve had in your life. often making you giggle at his silly retorts and remarks, funny moments of his teams and others. he was genuinely seeing a new side of you.

❀ never really seeing you smile brightly and laugh without holding back. it felt surreal and a literal dream.

❀ “Hey, y/n, have you dated anyone yet?” Kuroo looked over at you, eyes staring in curiosity with his common sly smirk.

❀ “I-.. uhh.. n-not yet?” you nervously laughed, messing with the sleeve of your nekoma track jacket.

❀ “Well then.. do you have a crush?” he continued on. 

❀ “O-oh.. Ye-yeah! He probably won’t like me b-back though..” you murmured.

❀ “Wait- He!?”

❀ “H-hey,, Kuroo! Keep y-your voice down please..!!” you playfully punched his shoulder in return he faked an ‘ow’ “..b-but.. yes.. i like a guy.. h-he’s popular so i doubt he would like me b-back.” you looked up at him with a weak smile, hoping to not seemed phased by it.

❀ “Ahhh.. why’s that then.” his curious tone turned stern, tilting his head into his palm so it rested comfortably. “hmmm~?”

❀ “Oh.. w-well.. he’s popular with the girls.. a lot of them a-actually. I bet he l-likes them more than me.. girls are b-better for him anyways...”

❀ “What if they weren’t? He could be gay.. or bisexual... or pan and all that jazz y’know y/n?”

❀ “Thats true.. what about you kuroo-san?” you took a sip of water from your bottle aside of your thigh. 

❀ “I have a crush too of course. And its actually you.”

❀ you choked on the water, coughing out a reply, “w-wait you.. you like me.. me- back?!” you only looked at him with disbelief, coughing slightly still.

❀ Kuroo only laughed at your off-guard reaction, “K-kuroo!! I-it’s not funnyyy..!” you whined, covering your face with your jacket. “hhhh.. g-god damnit..”

❀ after a few moments it went silently, peeking your eyes out from your hidden position Kuroo pecked your forehead. Suddenly aside of you, entwining his hand with yours.

❀ “Of course I like you back~ I want you to be my boyfriend you softie.” 

[the-midnight-feline]

¤¸¸.•´¯`•¸¸.•..>> So this piece is actually part of the Piliin mo ang Pilipinas Collab event hosted by @lumpiang-toge, you guys should seriously check this out since the works posted there are such good reads ❤️️<<..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸¤

this is the first time i've joined a collab, (ngl i thought i was waaay in over my head lol) i'd like to thank a friend of mine, Dylan, (won't tag his blog just cause, loves you for reading it !) thanks so much for the encouraging words ❤️ and of course Mama Rae (@hq-girl-next-door) for the advice on the banner**❤️

**For the banner I did, I took the image from pinterest, if you guys know who the artist is, please let me know so I could properly give credit to them :)

Tags/TW: Mutual pinning-ish, friends to lovers, fluff to angst, Cheating, swearing (I think theres one or two in there)

(A/N: Please don't get too confused /-\, the italic parts is you recollecting the past, it comes and goes (。♡‿♡。))

WC: 3.8k ;-; didn't know it get that long

Pairings: Tendou Satori x fem!Reader

Summary: It all started with a simple crush, you wouldn't have guessed that it'll be more than that, It was a dream come true to loved and be loved by the person you loved, but not all dreams end good, some end as a nightmare.

“You like the Guess Monster, like THE Guess Monster?!?!” your friends shouted in unison, looking at them frantically as you’re in the gym watching the guys warm up for a practice match and the way they shouted had the sounds of balls hitting the floor just below where your group sat, you willed yourself to look at the who were the people below you guys trying repress the blush you feel creeping on your cheeks, swallowing that lump on your throat as you peaked just a little over the ledge and saw his red hair. Internally cussing out your so-called friends, you tired to act like you calm and collected as he was looking up at the bleachers, maybe trying to guess which one in your group, who was also looking over at whoever heard them, liked him, shaking his head, chuckling toward Ushijima and Semi who was already making their way to the court to get this warm up started.

A single tear began rolling down your cheek as you remembered how it all began, your friends’ sudden outburst in the gym gave you the opportunity to talk to the guy you’ve been crushing on when you first saw him in the opening ceremony just something about him drew you to him and you were adamant on getting to, at the least, know him. Sitting on the floor of your shared bedroom, opening the memory box you and your husband made a few months after you started dating.

Semi knew your friend, he actually liked her and from that outburst of theirs at the gym, he 89immediately thought of a way to hit two birds with one stone. “hey, y/f/n, I heard you guys at the bleachers, sooo” scratching he neck out of shyness “which of your friends like our Tendou? Maybe we could setup a date or something?" He really liked your friend and would honestly do anything to get her on a date, she pointed to you, the quiet in of the group, usually the source of rationality and guidance, the one that acts like the mediator of the group. You really always kept to yourself, didn’t really want to attract attention towards yourself. Semi was skeptical at first, you the quiet, shy girl of the class liked that loud ass friend of his? Maybe y/f/n was pulling his leg, she can’t be serious.

A bitter laugh escapes your lips as the memory of your first date comes crashing on you as see the pressed flower from the little hole in the wall café near the school, Semi was the one that found that café and planned every detail of the date.

As you and your friend were walking towards the café Semi told her about, you were itching to just keep hitting your friends back “why the hell did you fucking agree to this?!!” you hissed at your friend, you were practically shooting daggers at her for saying yes on your behalf and you didn’t even know what she agreed to but she told you to get dolled up, silly you, thinking that it’ll be just a girls day out, but peering over her shoulder as your guys walk out of the dorm, you see her texting Semi, thinking maybe it was him asking for notes since they were in the same class. She led you to this small café and you guys sat at a corner booth, making you sit inside by the wall, you really thought nothing of it, until you saw that distinctive red hair bounding towards your booth. Your palms got a tad sweaty, nerves getting the best of you, a million thoughts racing in your mind that you didn’t notice that the Tendou Satori was there taking the seat opposite of you in the booth, the ever infectious smile directed towards you and you alone. Seeing as you and Satori were basically having a silent conversation with just your smiles, Semi and your friend made a discreet exit and left you two be. Little did you know, he often saw you around, he knows you like shounen jump as much as he does since he sees you go to the store he usually goes to, he knows what snacks you liked since he usually goes out at the middle of the night to get some snacks of his own at the convenience store around the corner. He sees you in the library with your nose buried in some book when he follows Semi there just to annoy him. Tendou didn’t tell anybody about the girl he liked from afar, he knew he’d scare you off, no one wanted to date a Monster, or that’s what he thought.

Looking back, that impromptu date was what started the relationship with Satori, a soft sob escapes your lips as tears gently fall on the first picture you have together, he suddenly rang you up and asked you to go to the mall with him. In the picture, he had his arm wrapped around your shoulder while you were hugging his waist tightly, seemingly scared that being with him was a dream you don’t want to wake up from.

Getting out of the shower, you hear your phone ring from under your pillow, confused as to who might that be since it was an unknown number calling you, curious you answered it. “hey y/n! I know it’s kinda out of the blue but, you wanna go to the mall with me?” shock was evident in your body, it was Tendou! Your thoughts was scrambling, you know you didn’t get a chance to give him your number before you guys parted ways on your first meeting since Coach Washijo made Ushijima contact both guys for a weekend practice. You knew the coach was a hot head and would make anymore run 50 laps if they were late and that was a few weeks ago, a worried Tendou called out to you again “uh…y/n? If you have other plans I totally under-“ blinking back to the present “I’d love to go! Lemme get ready and I’ll meet you down” you cut him off midsentence hearing a small chuckle at the other line “don’t make me wait too long ok?” he said in a teasing tone which made you giggle on the line “yes, yes Satori, I’ll hang up so I could get ready ok? See you!” it took every ounce of self-control to not shriek the whole conversation, once he hung up you were practically jumping on your bed out of pure joy, but then you remembered that he’ll be waiting, you quickly snapped out of it and looked through your dresser for a decent outfit for going out with Tendou, you quickly settled with a simple get up of a long sleeved shirt and pants with some sneakers on, you excitedly exited your room, to meet up with Tendou, hoping you haven’t made him wait too long, turning the last corner you see him outside your dorm, almost wearing the same thing as you, even the color of your shoes match, biting your lip to stop a stupid smile from taking over you walk up behind him, gently poking his side, his sudden jump made you giggle as he took in all of you, a smile makes its way on his lips and eyes as he himself lets out a chuckle. “y/n? Are you copying me?” shaking your head, letting a small laugh out “Satori, please you’re the one copying me here” he just shook his out of amusement when he saw the glint of teasing in your eyes before he offended his arm to you like a gentleman would, the small action made you faint blush.

You two spent the day just walking around the mall, just browsing from store to store, having just a blast at all the random comments he makes, the last stop you guys make was the arcade, you guys played all sorts of games, air hockey, tried your luck at a pachinko machine and Tendou even tried the basketball game, which he surprisingly good at that he won a lot of tickets getting you a small rubiks cube, but near the back of the arcade something caught your eye, a purikura, Tendou saw where your eyes went and with a small smile he took your hand and walked towards the machine, and ushered you in the booth, he felt at comfortable around you, he would’ve never guessed that you were a crack head like, random outbursts of ideas and thoughts spouted from you made him laugh as you spent time together. He quickly wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to him, a flash went off, that was the first shot, with the blush creeping on your cheeks you hid your face under your hair and hugged him another flash went off, that was the second shot, he tipped you head up, making you look at him, his infectious smile directed at you as another flash went off, and the last shot was of him kissing your forehead. You were left speechless after that whole scenario, seemingly in a dazed as he guided you out and grab the prints of the photos. That’s how you guys ended the date, he held your hand in his all the way back to the dorms, placing a chaste kiss on your cheek as you parted ways.

Rummaging further through the memory box, you see all the mementos you both kept from your dates, a few fallen leaves, a couple of pretty rocks, stickers, napkins, flowers, pictures, the cork from the bottle of champagne you drank at your wedding. More tears fell from your eyes as you dug through all the stuff in the box, who knew you both collected a lot of things in just a couple of years. What made you sob so hard was the acceptance letters you both got when you were selected as the few students for the incoming year.

A few months before graduation, you both got accepted into a culinary school in Tokyo, you were ecstatic as this means you and Tendou could get a place together since your parents already gave you two a small amount to get a place near the school so you two could still practice and create new dishes together, it was really no surprise to your friends or the whole volleyball team that you two would get into culinary school, you’ve always had a thing for cooking, you’d often come their practices with some bento boxes for all of the guys so they don’t have to go out and spend for food, on the weekends, the kitchen was his domain he’d let you watch him bake and oftentimes let you help him out. It’s often that the whole group get together during the weekends, you cooking for them while Tendou makes that dessert. For some reason, they got jealous of how your relationship started, it was as if all the pieces just fell into place at the right time, you two together just seemed right like you two were always suppose to be with each other. There’s always been a carefree air around him, it calmed you down so much that it helped you be more open or that’s how you saw it. You were the opposite of him always worrying, always, over thinking, being overly critical of your actions and how you overwhelmed with everything so you turned to anything that’ll help you divert your mind but once he was in your life it just got easier. He voice would immediately calm the voices spewing negative thoughts I had your head.

Looking around your room, you see pictures of you together, your graduation picture, the picture of you guys on the front of the school, the picture of your guys graduating culinary school, a photo of you two at the restaurant where you two both apprenticed and next to that was the candid shot of his proposal there, a mix of joy and hurt shoot through you as you the memory come rushing back to you.

The way he sheepishly confessed that he asked the manager if he could do his proposal there and invite your family and friends for that surprise. “Hey y/n, come with me, a customer just complained about the sauce you made being too salty, I’m not taking blame for that!” an angry chef came shouting at you, shocked and anxiousness dunning through you, you timidly follow behind him, thinking how you could screw up a simple sauce like that, your thoughts were everywhere, but once you stepped outside the kitchen you noted that the dining area was dimmer then usual, but maybe that’s because you’re used to the bright lights of the kitchen, you hear a soft melody playing, it’s one of your favourite songs ‘I Choose' you’ve always related that song to your relationship. On the far wall you see photos of you together, looking around you see familiar faces, his and your parents, your friends, the Shiratorizawa boys were there even the coach came!

The euphoria you felt from having everyone who had been part of your relationship through the ups and downs just had you in tears, your head was fuzzy with the mix of a dozen emotions swirling in you, through a blur of tears you see him kneeling in front of you, he let out a huff of breath to calm his nerves before asking you the question “y/n, my love, my baby, my better half, my paradise. You’ve stuck by my side through my highs and lows, loved me unconditionally, took care of me whenever I got sick, urged me to follow my dreams, guided me into being a better guy, especially with my chocolate making you supported my dreams like no other can, you, you made my world complete, you made me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time, you gave me your heart to cherish and protect. You made my life whole” the words flowed out of his mouth so freely, every word making more tears come out of you, every word so heartfelt, with shakey hands we presented you a pear cut yellow emerald ring “My Paradise, would you do me the honor of being my paradise for eternity?” no words could express how happy you were nodding your head, trying to stop happy tears from falling a hushed ‘yes’ slips past you lips as he stands to slip the ring on your left hand, pulling you in for a tight hug, whispering endless I love you’s and thank you in your ears as the people around you cheered for the newly engaged couple.

Biting back another sob, you feel fresh tears streaming down your cheeks as your eyes land on your wedding photo above the bed, he loved you enough to marry you, he was yours and you were his, you can’t help but stare at the framed photo, he had that infectious smile of his that made you fall from him the day you saw him. He has you up in his arms as your arms were wrapped around his neck, pecking a sweet kiss on his cheek. You asked him many times if he’d like to blowup another photo from your wedding, he simply shook his head and wrapped you up in his arms “you’re perfect in any picture of us, but in that one you look like the most perfect human being in existence and I’m just lucky to have you in my life” you basked in his love and affection on those simple words pulling him closer and burying you face on his chest, inhaling his sweet scent “I’m lucky to have you Tori, lucky to be called your wife” placing a chaste kiss on his chest as you look up to him with love-struck eyes. This was it you guys moved countries after your wedding to France since Tendou was offered a job at a famous pâtisserie there, all you wanted was your husband happy, wherever you guys may be.

You never really cared where you two were, as long as you were together, you could get lessons on the French cuisine as Tendou works, that was the plan before you guys flew out. You worked hard to learn the basics, you’d often have Tendou taste test all your creations and you’ll you the same for him since he likes to experiment with different flavor combinations, things were great the first few months of moving cross countries, you enrolled in a cooking classes there to build up your repertoire and after a few weeks of learning a few new techniques you've decided to look around for places you could work at just to keep your body busy again. You've decorated the apartment the way you liked it and how you think Tendou would like it, just adding different odds and ends giving it a familiar vibe. This place was your starting ground.

When you got a job at the nearby bistro, Tendou didn’t really mind it, since he’d often come home a bit later then usual saying something along the lines of making things in the experiment lab with the other chocolatiers at the shop to have something new for the upcoming season, in turn you thought nothing of it since you do work nights after getting a gig in a restaurant in town as well, it also means you could still have time to make his dinner and keep it warm for when he gets home. You two actually got into an argument when you got that gig since Tendou was adamant about keeping you in the apartment after the morning shift at the bistro so you don’t work yourself too hard, he wanted to start thinking about getting a kitten to keep you company when he’s out working but you argued back that you didn’t wanna feel like mooching off of him even though he said it was fine, he loved coming home to a warm meal that you made with love and gets more time to spend with you, but he did cave in after a few bats of your eyelashes.

It was perfect, you both were doing what you were passionate about, you two scheduled your offs near each other’s so one could take care of each other after a long day. But there was this weird feeling creeping in you but you simply don’t know why it was there, you and Tendou always kept communication open since you two do work different shifts and that itself puts a strain in the relationship but you two made it work. You loved him. So you would really sacrifice anything for him, he had have a rough childhood, he was bullied cause he looked different, acted different, but he wasn’t like that for you, he never was, even though he had a wicked sense for things which really surprised you, you can’t even hide a gift from him cause he knew what you’d get him or more likely sense what you’ll give him.

You don’t tell him that you swapped shifts with someone so you technically have a day off so you decided to drop by the pâtisserie where Tendou worked with some home made Pan Bagnat since it was nearing lunch, as you were close to the shop you saw his figure near the window placing new confections on display, but something made you stop, another person, a female chocolatier, was hugging him from behind and not in a friendly way, there was familiarity to it, it looked as if she’s been hugging him for so long, like she’s always hugged him, you didn’t notice that you’ve dropped the basket you were holding on the sidewalk, the glass bottle shattering on impact, the sangria spilling on the pavement, the sandwich you made, making a mess, the fruits you packed rolling in every direction. People around gasped at the scene, some tried to help in picking up the fruits that escaped, your mind in thought again, maybe you just interpreted it wrongly they’re just so so close, like a brother and sister kinda way, since they both work in the shop, you simply jumped to conclusions too fast, those thought completely vanished as the next sight you saw.

She kissed him. SHE KISSED HIM!! Your mind played that in your head like it was a song played on a loop. That was what made your heart break, that was the tipping point, he didn’t push her away, it was the opposite, he pulled her closer, the way he held her mirrored how he would hold you when he came home from work, people around you were asking you things trying to snap you out of your trance but you paid no mind to them, your legs moving on their own.

It was as if you were on autopilot, you got home, your mind racing with so many thoughts, how long had that been going on? Is she why he’d come home later than usual, is she the reason he had woken up earlier to get to work everyday? Did he spend his days off with her when you suddenly get shifts? Walking into your apartment, you didn’t know what to think, how to feel, how to make sense of things more questions come into your mind. Does he bring her here? Did they do anything sexual in the place you called home? What places were safe? Did she please him better than I did? You walked into your bedroom where the memory box laid in the middle of bed. It was your first wedding anniversary, did he really forget? Your anniversary was engraved on your wedding rings with your initials on it.

A scream of agony escaped your lips as everywhere you looked at it was all you and him the very place you thought was the safest of all was not. It's tainted with infidelity, your heart broke even more as you took the box from the bed with shaking hands contemplating on whether to open the box or not, he loved you with every part of him didn’t he? You were enough weren’t you? You made sure he was satisfied right? You gave him all the love you could and even more right? Didn’t he promise you that he’d protect your heart? You're still his paradise right? He loves you right?

Maybe opening the box, and finding something that you both placed in there would make him rethink his choices right? With broken sobs and uneven breathing, your fingers shaking as you pulled the pretty red ribbon that held the lid shut, looking at all the things that you both collected that reminded you both that you loved each other you broke even more. Every one of them held the promise of love, of fidelity, of trust. But now, a part of you is doubting every word that passed his lips, every kiss that landed on your skin made you feel dirty, every I love you's he uttered seems like a lie. You didn’t want to feel that way, you love him with every part of your being, you’re THE Mrs. Satori Tendou, no one else but you had that title, just you, it was only you right? You were his paradise for eternity right? Right?

★──────────★───────────────★─────────★

I hope you guys liked this, I actually really liked working on this one(played my brokenhearts plays it nonstop for it) , but I do have another one coming so...yeah!

Song inspiration :Anong Nangyari Sa Ating Dalawa by Aiza Seguerra

Song used in the proposal I Choose by Alessia Cara

[rechoired]

A problem with the Tales Of Arcadia community

First and foremost, I’d like to ask anyone taking the time to read this to please read the post all the way through before commenting on the matter. There is a lot of dirty laundry to unpack here, and some points will be building off previous ones.

I’ll get right to the point. Most everybody in the Tales of Arcadia fandom will have heard of the blog imthegingerninja / ginger-le-gay. She is one of the most well-known ToA-centric blogs, after all. (If you’re wanting to avoid her on Twitter as well, her account is Margaret Bell, or @The_Book_Bell.)

This is your PSA, TOA fandom: Ginger is a toxic, manipulative person.

This is not a claim I like to make lightly, but it’s long overdue that this issue is properly brought up within the fandom. 

I’ve seen so many people wonder why the Tales of Arcadia fandom is so small. Well, I and many others very strongly believe that Ginger is one of the main reasons for that, if not the main one. To make matters easier, I’ve tried to break this down into some main points. So let’s take a look at how Ginger falls under this category.

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT look at this post as an excuse to harass Ginger or any other blog mentioned here. This sort of behavior is NOT acceptable. The point of this post is to educate those who may not know the extent of her harrowing behavior, nothing more.

1. Dishonesty and Death Threats

[EDIT: Shortly after this post went up, she started blatantly lying about me to try to cover for herself. You can see those lies being easily disproven here]

Ginger has been kicked from at least three Tales of Arcadia servers, all for similar reasons of violence. While I cannot provide screenshots as I am no longer part of the servers they were in, there are multiple witnesses that can verify the disgusting behavior she engaged in. The one I saw specifically was her saying that certain members of the fandom should be gathered up and hunted for sport, among other gross things. (Elaboration of why can be found in point 3, though it still doesn’t excuse this kind of talk)

Here is some points made by another blog that also sums up similar issues with Ginger, though:

While there were multiple instances of her inciting violence towards others, this is unfortunately one topic I cannot provide specific screenshots for at this time. But I will add them in as I can find them. That being said, I want to move to the dishonesty, something I do have a screenshot for.

While you could argue that people sometimes notice the similar things, this is far too close together to be considered an “original find”. The reblog button is there for a reason, but she instead decides to steal the OP’s premise and present it as her own original thought.

There have been a couple other blogs that have confirmed that their theories and analysis posts were often stolen and presented as Ginger’s own as well, to the point where they stopped bothering even making such posts, as the above blog points out. (Out of respect for their privacy, I will not be naming these blogs. Say what you will about that possibly weakening my point, but if she’s willing to so blatantly steal from that person shown above, it shouldn’t surprise you that she’s so willing to do it to others.)

Theory-making and analysis posts aren’t as solidly “original content” as a piece of art or fanfiction, sure, but it’s still common fandom courtesy to give credit where it’s due. Ginger has intentionally avoided extending that courtesy far too many times.

2. Hypocrisy

Most of this is going to be about past Merlin vs. Morgana drama, though there are also words to be said for the incredibly shaky relationships she forms with “friends”.

But first let’s talk about those wizards.

This is a topic I’ve tried to approach with Ginger before, but she borderline refused to acknowledge any of the points I was trying to make, and when she did, I don’t know if I just wasn’t being clear or what, but it honestly looked as though she was purposefully trying to misunderstand what I was saying in her bizarre responses. (To be fair, I was sending messages out of anger because she vagueposted about a blog I admired, calling them a “disgusting creep” because of them simply saying they’d hoped Jim and Merlin would be able to actually bond at some point... Not really a justifiable reaction to such a harmless thought, in my opinion. But my point is, I recognize that the circumstances may have clouded my ability to vocalize my thoughts clearly.)

That aside, we should first acknowledge this post Ginger made to save face after having gotten some backlash about hate-train related things (Side note: I couldn’t find the original post, so this is a screenshot I got from someone else. I did not add the writing. The text underneath it should still be slightly readable, I hope.):

Taken at face value, this is a very reasonable post. I think everybody would and should be able to agree on it. Hate-meme him for fun, sure, but don’t actually harass or insult others over a fictional character. Simple, right?

Apparently not, because Ginger’s done loads of that to others. Probably why the “LOL” was added in, I bet.

This post confused me. First of all, exploring dark topics (”angst”, as you put it) has never been a rare occurrence, every fandom has that content, most in heavy abundance. I’ve noticed no staggering difference in volume of this fandom compared to others I’ve been in. People enjoy angst not because they think the character “deserves to be in pain”, they enjoy a fictional blow to their own emotions. There’s lots of different reasons people like angst, but it’s barely ever been out of a genuine hate for whatever character’s the focus, from all the things I’ve seen. Your own friends have indulged in Jim angst and body horror posts before, does that mean you think they’re awful people? I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain something like this.

Also, way to basically admit you think all Merlin stans get off on child torture. So much for “If you like Merlin as a character, you’re valid”, am I right? God, what a mess of a post. (It’s been very recently deleted, which makes me wonder if she got more backlash on it, but just... wow.)

Let’s look at another one.

Again. Vagueposting about someone specific, I’d wager, since most of the people I’ve seen comment on this topic either think both characters are morally gray, or hate both. 

But of course, when it comes to Morgana, suddenly excusing bad behavior can be justified. Ginger can call someone a disgusting creep because they want a familial bond between Jim and Merlin, that’s just wrong, but pushing the Mom-gana narrative with the genocidal abuser and Toby is completely fine, folks.

(Note: I would like to point out that I really don’t care about what theories and hopes people have for Morgana. You should be allowed to love that character in any way you want, same as I would say for Merlin. My issue with these examples is the completely brazen hypocrisy in which these two characters are treated. You’re obviously allowed to love Morgana without consequence, but the same should be said for any character of the show, and yet it’s not.)

The most obvious instance of this double-standard is well observable here, I believe: 

... I think this mostly speaks for itself. Sorry, but this is very blatantly trying to excuse Morgana’s actions, here.

Oh hey, remember that post about Ginger saying that liking Merlin must mean you want to see Jim in horrible pain? 

Say anything similar about her with Morgana, and suddenly she takes issue with this line of reasoning! 

I’m sorry, but if you can’t take this sort of thing, then you shouldn’t be dishing it out. One of your own friends is still getting hate over the simple fact of liking Merlin, and all this mentality is exactly why.

Let’s look at one more.

Fun fact! Morgana horrifically abused somebody for centuries, tried to kill multiple kids, took horrible advantage of Claire (probably traumatized her), and canonically wanted to genocide humanity, not to mention all the OTHER murders she's committed, both directly and indirectly.

But somehow pointing any of this out “doesn’t count”. This is why the fandom keeps saying more and more things like this: 

And this:

I could be going through her constant hating on Merlin and people who like Merlin for days straight, but I hope you all get the idea by now.

Again, I would like to just reiterate: You can like whatever character you want for whatever reason you want. The problem with this case is the hypocrisy and mistreatment of others, not your taste in characters.

Now interestingly enough, she’s lately been singing a different tune about the guy, switching from the “I hate Merlin I hope he dies!!!” mentality to “Oh he should get a redemption arc too :)” sort of thing.

I’m highly convinced that the only reasons for this “change of heart” is because of the constant backlash she was getting for the obnoxious amount of hate posts being thrown around all the time, but also because Aaron Waltke keeps tabs on the fandom more lately, and has spoken himself about Merlin not being a villain.

I could go on about this point forever, but I think I’ll just leave the Merlin topic with this post going through the hypocrisy of the Merlin Hate Train. In fact, here’s two just for fun.

Now onto more real-world focused areas of hypocrisy. One such instance can be found in Ginger’s Janus Disorder server. 

Just take a look at this post.

While the offender in this case isn’t Ginger specifically, it still takes place in her server, and she made no moves to enforce her “No discourse” rule. All over... what? A random kudos on a fanfiction that’s not even about anything controversial since all characters involved are adults? I immensely don’t understand the point of why this ever had to be an issue, or why nobody spoke up about how ridiculous this is.

I’d also like to point out a certain user called firecat17. For some quick context, waaay back in the Kung Fu Panda fandom (around 2018), this user had been harassing people and saying incredibly vile things, a person of which Ginger had a bit of a feud, but firecat’s anon threats had gotten to the point where Ginger ended up having to block their IP. 

Obviously, the user firecat was the one in the wrong, here. (Also, the irony in this comment is through the roof...)

Interesting point there, Ginger. Sure would be nice if you practiced what you preached.

Why am I bringing this random old drama up, you may ask? Well, it just strikes me as strange that someone who was so vile to Ginger is suddenly on her okay-list again, sending her asks and getting casual responses as if nothing ever happened.

To be fair, there is the possibility that they worked out their differences in private. But given the severity of the kinds of words being exchanged, I would still find that rather suspicious.

When someone who’s said things so vile can be so easily forgiven, yet something as harmless as leaving a kudos on some random fanfiction is considered grounds for harassment, it’s obvious there’s no stability or room for trust among this group of people. Unsurprising when there’s been several instances of this “friend group” turning on each other.

If you think you’re somehow different, that your “friendship” with Ginger or the others is more valued than that, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s likely not true. She’d throw you under the bus at the hint of you doing something she deems problematic, as it’s happened to multiple blogs before you.

3. Demonization of and insensitivity towards s*xual abuse victims

(This topic is one that’s hard for me to talk about, being a victim of CSA myself, so I’ve gathered some different sources to do most of the main talking for me. I tried to form more commentary on this myself, but I get too emotionally charged in my responses, and I don’t want that to cloud any reader’s perception of what I’m trying to communicate here, so I’ll try to keep most of my comments brief on this one.)

One thing recently brought to my attention about Ginger and her squad that especially bothers me is their rashness in labeling people p*dophiles and p*do apologists. If these claims were true, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

But these people are accusing others of these horrible things and threatening them on the sole basis of fictional content.

Now before you fly off the handle at me, let me be very clear: I absolutely understand that there are gross people out there who use the “It’s all just fiction” argument to hide their actual, pr*datory behaviors. (We’ve all probably seen at least one or two neckbeard memes of that caliber)

But like it or not, exploring traumatic themes through a fictional lens is something that has been studied and proven to be a genuine coping mechanism for some. It’s not something that works for me, but I knew a few people from past therapy groups that it worked surprisingly well for. Bringing a trauma into a controlled environment and processing it through fictional means can and does help some victims deal with what they went through. 

It’s important to understand that not everyone processes their experience in the same neat, little boxes you have laid out as the only “acceptable” ways of coping. Trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy are commonly used by victims, and it does help some people, whether you like it or not.

I’m already dragging this on too much, so here are some sources for better-worded information on the topic (Warning: Most of these deal with highly sensitive themes such as gun violence and s*xual abuse.)

Source 1 - Source 2 - Source 3 - Source 4 - Source 5 (pages 61 onward, specifically) - Source 6 - Source 7 - Source 8 - Source 9 - Source 10 (and believe me, if those all don’t satisfy you, I can easily supply more.)

And this quote from source 9 I think sums it up best:

“Fiction works differently. My imagination gives me a framework to process the grief and terror and the consequences, even when I myself have not found any resolution. It allows me to enter my own traumatic experiences sideways and linger inside them, if I know I can give them to characters who might be lucky enough to find the antidote: love, connection, community, family. In other words, I can enter — and exit — the trauma loop through stories that are not exactly the same as mine.

This goes for the reader also. Recent studies periodically assure us that stories — literary fiction, hardcover books, even the simple act of reading — promote empathy. We rarely have identical experiences, so fiction is how we practice linking our similar or parallel realities so we can feel them. This seems particularly useful in our current society, where we are all so separated, and are working so hard to block the violence that keeps happening to us from our minds.

Fiction connects us, and it can also contribute to our healing. When we see ourselves in worlds we don’t live in, like The Handmaid’s Tale or The Color Purple, sometimes, that very different violence helps us finally process our own. Because as much as our memoirs and testimonies are brave and validating, fiction does not just mirror our truths so they are safe to experience; it also helps us endure the aftermath. Because long after the immediate experience is over, survival struggles onward, in every moment of our daily lives.”

While most professionals have in the past advised that victims keep their trauma-related works more private, to only show it to your trusted friends or family, the fast-growing use of the internet has led more people to sharing it in an online platform, which is not unexpected behavior.

I unfortunately don’t have the screenshot of the original post, but there was a post made some time back literally telling a fandom member to go and hang themselves over this garbage. A survivor of s*xual abuse, no less. And to top that off, one of Ginger’s squad @emmy-puff commented in support of that violent post, as well as blatantly misgendering the target of it. While, again, I was unable to get screenshots, there are multiple witnesses to this instance, one Anonymous even having called them out on it back when it happened. (I suspect that Emmy deleted that answer due to how bad it made them look.) If anybody reading this has screenshots of the initial post or the ask that came of it, please feel free to share.

I don’t care who you are or who you’re talking about, if you use misgendering someone as a way to hurt them, then you are an insult to the trans community. That is an awful thing to do, and you lose so much credibility if that’s the only thing you can fall back on when getting in a fight with someone. While this post isn’t about Emmy specifically, this is exactly the kind of hateful rhetoric that’s being encouraged in the environment Ginger’s made.

Another thing I would like to point out on this matter is an instance that happened in the ToA fandom a couple years back. I, again, don’t have screenshots available (I believe the original post ended up deleted) but the post in question caused enough of a fuss that I’m sure a few people must remember it... 

A while back, there was an artist that posted uncensored, untagged r*pe art of Aaarrrgghh, Gunmar, and Jim in the main Trollhunters tag. As you can imagine, this infuriated many people. Many of which are among the list of those who’ve been labeled “p*do apologists”. Almost the very minute that post showed up in the tag with no trigger warnings of any kind, the fandom immediately got on OP’s tail about it, because they all shared that basic understanding of “This is a traumatizing subject for many people and they should have the ability to avoid it”. If the people you’ve labelled as pr*dator supporters were really as awful as you say they are, they would’ve jumped to that person’s defense, too. But they were completely against OP’s horrible lack of consideration of survivors, right alongside the rest of the fandom.

Am I saying you have to like trauma fiction? Absolutely not. Are there people that make trauma fiction that are actual pr*dators? I’m sure there are. But those people would be that way whether trauma fiction was out there or not. Gross people have existed and will always exist regardless of what media is out there.

I deeply understand the controversy, uncertainty, and stress that surrounds this topic, I promise you, I do. But the fact of the matter is, some people actually do use trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy as a way of coping, as has been observed in people even from ages as young as 5. To say otherwise is blatantly untrue. This isn’t a matter of opinion or morals, this is plain, studied facts that you cannot change about human psychology.

Nobody should ever have to go through something as horrible as s*xual abuse of any kind, and I know how deeply upsetting it can be to see certain images or stories with those themes in play. Those users with a sense of decency and understanding for fellow victims will tag their posts with the appropriate warnings. After that, it’s up to you to filter out what you don’t want to see. You curate your own internet experience, and it’s just plain irrational to try and harass everyone into conforming to your rules. While it’s an 18+ blog’s job to make sure to tag and label their content appropriately, it is your job to block the things you don’t want to see, whether you’re an adult or a minor. It is YOUR job to blacklist content that you know will upset you, because it is always going to exist on the internet, and any internet user needs to know and understand that. Multiple times I’d seen people going off about posts that were already appropriately trigger-tagged. If you don’t have those upsetting tags blacklisted by now, then the fault is mostly on you in that kind of case, not the OP.

Before I end this topic off, just one more example of blatant disrespect towards victims:

I’m sorry, but the absolute nerve of comparing some random fictional character you’re petty over to an actual pr*dator who’s terribly hurt real children is just awful. Imagine how insulted one of Onion’s victims would be if they saw that. Lord.

Ginger claims to care about victims, but she’s made it abundantly clear that she only cares about those that behave the way she think a victim should.

4. Ableism 

I’m going to just show a couple posts here and let them mostly speak for themselves. 

Just... my God. You looked at the definition of psychopath and decided that was enough to give you qualification to speak like this about it? Do you realize the extensive work and study of human psychology goes into the diagnosis and understandings of psychopathy? Not to mention, you just admit to thinking people deserve hate because of a mental disorder they legitimately have no control over? I’m sorry, but that is just cruel. Demonization of the mentally ill is not cute or funny. Next.

While I’m still annoyed with Emmy’s transphobic treatment of another user mentioned earlier, they make a very solid point in this instance. (The first post they referenced has since been deleted, but here’s the second one speaking out against the ableism.) I feel I don’t need to add much to this, as these points have already been argued very well by users better qualified to speak on the subject than I.

5. Manipulation tactics

This part is more observations of two kinds of abuse tactics Ginger appears to demonstrate, using the above as points of reference. 

First, there’s DARVO.

Then, less formally, there’s this good point about online cult mentality.

Before you say anything, obviously I don’t think Ginger thinks of herself as some sort of deity. While it could be argued that she considers herself a point of authority within the TOA fandom maybe, I haven’t seen enough of this to say for sure how far that goes. So that point can be ignored, because it mostly doesn’t apply in this case. (The “Dictating parts of your online life” might also not apply, but I can’t say for sure as I haven’t gotten any confirmation of that sort of thing in Ginger’s group.)

But there are grains of truth in the other four points, especially that last one. Plain and simple, she’s made people afraid to speak their minds about even harmless things such as character analysis.

Ginger is someone who can’t seem to comprehend different viewpoints and life experiences. She’s extremely unsympathetic towards people she doesn’t understand, as can be observed in above examples. Assuming malicious intent from everybody you can’t understand is a dangerous and hurtful mindset to have, for both you and those who you unnecessarily scorn.

There are a few outcomes I’ve speculated should she ever come to see this post.

1. She will ignore this post completely, pretending as if it doesn’t exist

2. She will dismiss me as being some sort of horrible person, a p*do apologist or something of the sort (despite being a victim of that myself, clearly she doesn’t care about who’s actually been hurt by real p*dos or not if they don’t conform to her narrow worldview), and claim nothing I’ve said bears any meaning, despite the extensive evidence I’ve provided.

3. She will get people to try and attack me. 

4. She will actually address these points in a tactful, mature, and serious manner instead of her usual act of trying to dismiss everything at the slightest hint of non-conformity. (The least likely outcome, but one can dream.)

I could add to this post all day, but it’s long enough as it is and my focus was on getting the main points out of the way. I understand that I lack some of the receipts necessary to back myself up in a few parts, but I know that many other fans have bared witness to those things, so I know there will be at least some people who’ll know what I speak of is true, and that’s good enough for me.

That being said, if anybody has screenshots of the instances I wasn’t able to provide for, it would be greatly appreciated if you could add them into the conversation.

!!!-If you have screenshots, but are too uncomfortable to get involved in this, then you can private-message them to me and I would be grateful and more than happy to add them in while keeping you completely anonymous.-!!!

(I've removed the section with all the tags, as I recognize it was probably going overboard. My goal was just to spread information, not to try and involve those tagged, but I understand how that may have gotten lost in translation and made people uncomfortable. Also, it apparently was showing up multiple times in people’s notifications when I only tagged people twice, so I’m not sure why that glitch happened, but I apologize for that annoyance as well.)

Now, to end us off, my responses to questions or angry comments I’m probably going to get:

You don’t even have all the evidence! How are we to know you’re not just lying about some of this?

Admittedly, I don’t have as much screenshot proof as I would like, that’s true. But for most of the instances I couldn’t provide for, there were other witnesses to her bad behavior. I don’t really have the need to lie when there’s already a lot of knowledge out there of the bad stuff she has done. Nor do I really have the emotional investment in this fandom anymore to lie for the pointless reason of causing drama.

Why post this on a throwaway account if you think people are on your side?

I just don’t really want my main blog associated with TOA anymore, to be frank.

You tagged a bunch of people, so you must be trying to get them to attack Ginger!

No. I tagged a bunch of people because I think this information should be heard on a wider scale, considering the position Ginger has in the fandom. I don’t want her or anybody else to be attacked, but her negative impact on this fandom deserves to be acknowledged.

Again, I don’t think Ginger or any of the others deserve harassment or cyberbullying or anything of that manner, that’s kind of what this whole post is against. And it just hurts the situation more than it helps it. What bothers me is how she’s never apologized for or even once acknowledged the gross way she’s treated people. While she might be more low-key about it now, she still treats people who don’t deserve it like garbage. There are still several people upset about the damage she’s caused to this fandom, rightfully so. I wouldn’t be so loud about making this post if I didn’t think it was something worth drawing attention to. 

Thank you for reading.

[nymphigeon]

Someone you love(d) || KTH

• Pairing: Taehyung x Reader(f)

• Genre: break up au, angst with a happy ending, fluff? (just a lil' bit at the end :))

• Rating: PG

• Words: 7.2k

• Warnings: swearing, mention of weight, they kiss like once, if you don't like cheesy things....skip this one lmao

• Summary: You thought he loved you, you really did, but the way he left told you something else.

Or alternatively;

Taehyung is an emotionally constipated idiot who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

• A/N: Okay it took me waaay too long to write this, I'm so sorry T_T I really wanted to get this out earlier, but well things happened....

I only proofread this like once and had some trouble getting everything into the post properly so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes!  Please let me know if you find any so I can fix them asap.

Thank you for the request @mytaetaey​! I hope it matches your expectations!!!

It honestly hasn't even been that long since the day he showed up at my house.

"Let’s break up."

Although I really wouldn't be able to tell you how much time had truly passed.

"W-wait why?"

Days felt like weeks, weeks felt like months. Everything just seemed to last a lot longer than it should have.

"Did I do something wrong? I-I can fix it, just tell me!"

It might have happened last week, or the week before that. Wasn't it three weeks ago?

"No, no you didn't do anything wrong y/n. I'm sorry this just isn't working out."

Bottom line is, the passing of time hasn't really been on my mind. Any day without him is a day lost, a day to forget about.

"What do you mean this isn’t working out? I thought we were doing well together..."

I remember the confusion that went through me. All of a sudden the four years we spent together seemed to have disappeared.

“You thought wrong.”

He had been acting weird for a while, never quite getting close to telling me what was going through his mind. I hadn’t anticipated it ever ending like this though.

“Not everything you believe is a fact.”

The years I had to get to know him ended too soon. They went by so fast, they might as well have been non-existent.

"I... why? I don’t understand…

This all came too sudden. Just a few days before he had been laying on my bed, smiling as I told him about my day.

"I just don't feel the same anymore."

I just needed a little more time. A little more time to adore him. A little more time to say goodbye.

"I don't love you anymore."

But I still did do. He didn’t seem to care though. After he took care of me for a while, he decided I’m not worth it. Not even as someone who he just passes by.

"It's best if we don't see each other anymore."

If you cherish what you have you'll never be left unsatisfied.

"Goodbye."

I did. And it broke me.

“Y/n? Helloooo?”

My daydreams get interrupted by a waving hand in front of my face, followed by a harsh flick against my forehead.

“Ouch! Mina that was too hard!” Both my hands shoot up to the stinging spot between my eyes, one to prevent the evil hand from handing out another flick, the other one to rub at the red spot forming.

“Class ended a few minutes ago, you should probably pack up. Really, did you just stare off into space for the entire class?” Spotting my close to empty notebook, Mina sighs and shakes her head. She’s trying to look disappointed, but under the scolding exterior she’s putting on, there is a hint of pity.

It’s not the first time this week that not a single word has made it into my notes. Each time again the pages are either filled with lazy doodles and meaningless scribbles, or a space of absolute nothingness, not even a drop of ink staining the white paper.

“I’m sorry, I really did try to pay attention, but you know I hate his classes with a passion.” We both know that’s not the reason for my absentness, and neither of us speaks up about it. It’s what I requested myself, not being able to cope with the sadness I was causing my friends to feel. They care too much, I don’t want to burden them for too long.

“I know sweetheart, you did do your best. I’ll send my notes later, if you want I’ll help you understand them too.” Though no matter how hard I try, I still rely on them. They keep convincing me to, their kind souls not being able to leave me alone.  “If you could I’d really appreciate it.”

A sweet smile appears on Mina’s lips as I accept her offer, being more than happy to help me. She has always been the type to give more than she received, and despite me believing she deserves more than she gets, I adore her for it. “Of course, any time.”

I finish packing my belongings into my backpack, first making sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving the classroom with Mina close to my side. She talks about everything and nothing as we roam the spacious hallways filled with tired looking students. I wouldn’t be surprised if more than half of them slept until the end of their lectures.

Most of Mina’s words fall on deaf ears as I think back to the thoughts that occupied my mind the entire time my teacher was trying to explain the principle of quantum mechanics. I wouldn’t have understood it regardless of whether I was paying attention or not by the way.

“Ah you don’t have any more classes today, do you?” An unannounced weight falls on my left side as Mina whines into my shoulder, effectively bringing me back down to earth. Some brabbles about life being unfair escape the muffled sounds she produces, clearly not looking forward to the rest of her day.

“I’m going to be so lonely, me and Daeun aren’t allowed to sit next to each other anymore.” Mina raises her head to catch some air, her hands still clinging to the fabric of my shirt. The scowl on her face isn’t hard to miss, as she isn’t doing much to hide it.

“I was just going to head home straight away.” On any other day I would’ve probably teased her, wishing her good luck while I go and enjoy the free life. Today however, I don’t. My face stays in it’s boring resting position, even as Mina waits for the non-existent twist at the end.

It doesn’t take long before she finally sees I’m not poking fun at her. The moment of realization is clear, her whiny expression disappearing and her hands falling back to her sides. “Oh.”

“Well since it’s Friday how about I come hang out at your place when I’m done here? I’ll drag Daeun along with me too.” Mina’s voice is unsure, scared that I’ll reject her offer. A thick tension hangs in the air as we both wait for my reply.

I want to be alone. I want to be able to overthink in peace without others insisting that my mind is wrong. Though on the other side, I do know that I’ve been pushing them away. All the more reason for them to worry about me.

“Yeah sure.” I manage to convince myself to decide on the option I’d like the least. Somewhere I may be hoping that I’ve been missing out on a distraction I needed. I will never know until I experience it.

“Great! I’ll bring snacks too, let’s make it a movie night!” And off she goes, not waiting for any kind of confirmation from my side. Most likely it’s a way to keep me from refusing, forcing me into a situation that’s best for me, according to her.

I might not be looking forward to the events to come, but even I can’t deny the dull blossoming of my heart. The corners of my lips tug up, together with a hand to wave the girl off.

Yeah, perhaps, just maybe, I’m excited to spend some time with them.

I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight? Did I not text him enough? Was I going down the wrong path?

No matter what I wrote down, which new question I thought of, it didn’t seem right. Crumpled up paper balls and clothes littering the apartment show of the frustration occupying my mind.

No aspect of me changed for the worse. I’m still the same healthy weight, we texted almost every day, and I’m running up the path to a successful career. There is nothing wrong with me, so why am I blaming myself so heavily?

Because for some reason I believe that if I had done things differently the outcome would have been better. Because maybe he would’ve changed his mind if I reacted differently. Because it could never be him who was in the wrong.

A knock on the door and the pen I had been holding drops. Focussing on the paper in front of me once more, the harsh worded sentences ending in large written question marks stand out. I’m yearning for answers to questions I don’t even understand myself and it’s terrifying.

Three knocks on the door this time and I’m up, quickly discarding all the papers littering around. Some I tear to pieces, making sure none of the written sentences are visible anymore, others simply get hidden.

The door creaks as it opens, broadcasting it’s old age to the world. I should probably replace it sometime before someone decides to break in. Not that there’s anything worth taking here, I am a student after all.

“Hey dea- Oh no you look horrible.” A slight gasp interrupts Daeun’s cheery greeting when she notices the birds nest that is my hair. After having acted out all my annoyance on the poor strands, they’ve taken to each other for comfort, gladly intertwining. To my dismay, of course.

“I feel horrible. Come in.” The chuckle meant to lighten the statement doesn’t do it’s job properly. Both don’t say anything more as they enter the tiny apartment I call home, but they might as well have been screaming ‘I feel sorry for you.’” If they won’t do it, their faces definitely will.

“I won’t let any of you chose a movie tonight, I’ve got way too many good ideas.” Mina drops the overfilled bags she was holding on the dinner table while she talks. From the few items that stick out it’s safe to deduce that they’re filled with snacks to the brim.

“Also I was thinking we could order some pizza for dinner. All on me, I just got payed.” Like she owns the place, Mina reaches for several bowls high up in the cupboards of the kitchen. “We’ll use these tonight..” She says it more so to herself than to anyone else, not bothering to ask me anything. Not that it was really needed, I would have given her permission anyway.

“How was your day?” Sitting down next to Daeun, who has made herself comfortable on the couch after walking in, I try to start a basic conversation. Even though I’m not particularly in the mood for anything, I decide it’s probably best to try before I ruin the fun.

“You shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay, you know.” My question is completely ignored, switched for a statement that sets a heavy atmosphere in the room. The little excitement I had for their visit disappears. Instead, irritation starts taking over.

“Look Daeun, I-”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but this is not the way to cope with whatever may be happening inside you right now.” The tone she uses tells me she isn’t about to back out anytime soon. I hate it, hate how she feels like she can tell me what’s best for me.

“If this is what you came here for then I think it’s best that you leave. I’m not playing around here.” I turn away from the both of them, showing my back instead. This was supposed to be a fun evening to get my mind off him. Turns out, it’s the exact opposite.

“She’s right y/n.” It didn’t sound like Mina initially wanted to talk about this. She has always been unsure of when and how to address things, usually rather staying silent. With the right help however, Mina too will spill her words.

“This will always be a part of your life now, no matter how hard you try to erase it, you can’t. I know you’re hurting, and you’re allowed to feel hurt, we just want to help you. We’ll distract you all you like later, but for now, just confide in us please?”

It’s the way I feel both of their eyes burning into my back, the way she isn’t exactly sure how to convey her thoughts, though has the best intentions, the way a gentle hand softly lands on my shoulder. Sooner or later the dam would have broken. Apparently that time has come.

“I gave up so much for that guy! I moved to a more expensive apartment closer to his so we could see each other more, I started working more hours so he wouldn’t need to pay every time we went out together,” I never really got the chance to complain about the negative side to the changes I made, always feeling like it should be worth it, since I did it for him.

“I studied late into the night just so I had time during the day to hang out with him, do you know how much sleep I lost? I couldn’t even go home to my parents regularly anymore, for the distance was too much.”

Not exactly having expected me to rant so much, the two girls seated next to me stare in surprise. Never have I expressed any discomfort with what I was doing, always plastering a smile on my face.

“I don’t even mind that he broke up with me, I mean I do, but he was so cold! I had done my best to keep things going between us and he just gives me an ‘oh I don’t like you anymore’ like it’s common sense. I didn’t even get a thank you for all those years or a sorry for breaking it off! I just wish he’d…”

I take in a deep breath after having forgotten to breathe for the past minute, all the tears I kept in finally making an appearance as my anger get replaced by the same sadness I felt all those days ago.

“I just wished he’d at least given me reassurance I hadn’t been a waste of his time.”

The volume in which I spoke had drastically lowered, coming out in an almost-whisper. All the objects in front of me blurred as a non-stop stream of tears made it’s way out, my cries just mere silent sobs.

The hand resting on my shoulder becomes an arm pulling me into her side, the rough material of her shirt revealing her identity. Daeun doesn’t say anything as her other hand strokes through the strands of my hair, detangling any knots on the way.

For a moment I feel guilty about the tears wetting her shirt. It’s when she pulls me against her a little tighter that the feeling disappears, giving me the opportunity to fully bask in her embrace.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Feeling left out, Mina pats my thigh and breaks the silence. “You worked hard didn’t you? Because you loved him.” I can hear her clothes rustling first, before her arms too wrap around the space Daeun left.

“I still do.” No matter how much I try to forget about him, I can’t seem to do it. He has engraved himself into my mind, forever stuck. If he’d ever leave is a mystery, though for now, it seems impossible.

You know what? Fuck you Kim Taehyung.

“Dude, what do you want for your birthday?” It’s Jungkook who has slammed down my door and completely disturbed my peace.

“Huh? Nothing in particular really.” Despite the rude entrance, I don’t look up from my tv screen, having already gotten used to the lack of announcements before he comes in.

“Didn’t you ask me that already two days ago?” Once again ignoring any form of politeness, the younger one makes grabby hands towards the bag of potato chips laying next to me. I don’t make any move to stop him, knowing very well I can’t win from him in a fight, ever.

“Yeah because I thought maybe you changed your mind. Usually you’re so excited for your birthday, but you just seem so… Unenthusiastic?” There is almost no way to take him seriously when he’s scarfing down my dear food like it’s water. Surely when were out next time I’ll make him get me a new bag.

“Well yeah that’s because…” What exactly was I going to say?

Finally grabbing his full attention, Jungkook puts down the bag of chips and lets himself fall down next to me. “Because?”

There is no mistaking his smirk for a smile, although he does his damn best to hide it. He knows exactly what I was about to say, and I’m not about to admit anything.

“Because I realized it’s nothing to be overly excited about. That’s it.” Challenging Jungkook to prove me wrong I stare right back at him, not planning on chickening out any time soon. It seems to have worked, as he looks away first.

“Ah is that so? I’ll just see if I can find something you’ll like myself in that case.” The boy who has silently admitted defeat removes himself from the couch, moving to his room at the other side of our apartment.  “Good luck buddy.”

No longer having to pay attention to him, I rewind the movie I was watching back. That muscle bunny just made me miss the absolute best part.

“So why exactly are you dragging me to town again?”

It’s not too busy today, which should have been a given as it’s a normal weekday. Everyone is either yawning behind a desk or running around in circles depending on their career choices. Compared to them, I’m making the worst possible choice by letting my best friend convince me to skip class for a reason I wasn’t even familiar with.

“I’m having none of this ‘I don’t care what you get me’ nonsense. We’re going to find something you like, and that’s why we’re here.” Jimin takes a pause from pulling me along by hand to put both of his on his waist like a proud toddler.

“So in other words, we’re here so I can choose my own birthday gift?” Slowly I begin to understand how much of a waste of my time this is. I could’ve been doing fine trying to understand whatever Mrs. Wilson wanted to go over today, but instead I’m going to be reminded of my ex all day. Great.

Well, if she was still here it wouldn’t have mattered whether I knew what I wanted or not, she always had something great for me, and I always looked forward to it. Once she jokingly told me how she felt pressured, having to live up to my expectations. Though honestly there was nothing for her to live up to, I liked her gifts because she gave them to me. Because she always managed to make each and every birthday a fun one.

“Any ideas yet? Jewellery, clothes, games… Wait, nothing too expensive, I’ll go broke!” Jimin’s sudden panic manages to bubble up a chuckle in me. He doesn’t really seem to appreciate it though, as he scowls at the sound. “What? Your taste is too expensive!”

He knows me well it seems. Not that it was ever a real secret. When the contents of your closet is worth more than someone’s rent several times anybody would want to show that off right? Well so do I.

We walk into several stores for inspiration. No real shopping haul, just a quick in and out with Jimin trying to get a reaction out of me by stuffing things he thinks I like into my face. So far no real success, my only reaction being something along the lines of ‘ah yes that looks nice’ at everything he proposes.

It’s not like I’m purposefully trying not to find something I truly like, but more that honestly nothing catches my interest. And I promise it’s not even the price, some of my most prized possessions are the cheapest things I own. This just isn’t doing it for me.

After having been pulled into the what feels like the hundredth store, my stomach decides to make the loudest noise known to mankind. “Can we like, maybe take a break?” There is no doubt that my face is bright red at this moment, instantly heating up when Jimin laughs equally as loud.

“If you were hungry you should’ve just said so. Let’s go find something to eat.” Is probably the only sentence he said today that I’ve fully agreed on.

It sounded so easy, just find somewhere to buy food. Unfortunately, getting our tummies filled wasn’t written in our future so soon. No matter where we look, everything is either closed or completely full with customers. Who knew so many other people were hungry at this moment. Not like it’s close to dinner time or anything.

Eventually, I manage to convince Jimin to eat at a small fancy restaurant down the street on my expense. Despite him agreeing after a few attempts, a set pout is still present on his face, which doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Together with some murmurs about how this isn’t fair, he makes himself look incredibly adorable.

Soon however, I would come to regret my decision. The fancy tablecloths and nicely plated food wouldn’t be looking so appealing anymore. Because even if I had convinced my mind of the truth my constant lies hold, there was simply no way for me to convince my heart too.

“Hey isn’t that y/n and… I don’t think I know him.”

The male opposite her had somehow won her over with that stupid perfect smile he wore, his eyes an annoyingly beautiful ocean deep blue and his blonde hair styled in an awfully neat way. Everything about the sight annoys the heck out of me, including the way she was smiling back at him. Why does she look so happy? When was the last time I saw her like that?

“Oh are they… I’m sorry Tae.”

I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who walked out with a load haven fallen off of my shoulders. I was the one who ran even though she cried. There is no reason for me not to be completely fine.

“I don’t care, she can do whatever she wants now.”

So then why am I the one hurting this much?

It came sooner than expected, my birthday. Just sort of snuck up on me. After the restaurant incident Jimin himself magically decided to end the shopping trip and go home to eat. Nobody ever mentioned my birthday again in the following days.

It was pretty clear that someone had told the others about what happened, although none of them spoke about it. That someone obviously being Jimin.

“Soooo… any plans for the day?”

The question comes from Jungkook, who is fidgeting with the hem of his oversized hoodie. He stands quietly in the doorway to my room, waiting for an answer he already knows.

“Go to class and study after.”

“You’re not going out of the house? No party planned?” The suffocating nervosity radiates off of him in waves, displayed by the still ongoing fidgeting and his eyes that can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time.

“Nope, no other plans.” I sit up in bed, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be getting any more sleep. Despite him looking like he’s scared I’m going to get mad, he doesn’t actually give up, which isn’t appreciated on my part.

“Well the boys thought we could maybe go out together, get a few drinks.” On any other day besides my birthday I would’ve most likely agreed to the plan. Today however, I can’t help but relate every proposition to my birthday, which I, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, want to forget about as soon as possible.

I had already given him enough opportunities to stop. All it would take was leaving me alone. His constant persistence ends up getting to me, successfully causing me to snap at the younger boy. If he expected an outburst, he’s getting it.

“Why the fuck does everyone expect me to celebrate today? If my birthday is the day on which I can do whatever shit I want then let me do whatever I want!” It wasn’t meant to come out that way, and the guilt sets in the moment I realize it, but I don’t have time to apologize.

“Dude, you seriously need to do something about your feelings for y/n.” He sighs the words as he casually leans against the wall, his arms crossed. In an instant the awkward energy around him disappears, replaced by a very prominent eye roll. It’s not hard to guess that this has been on his mind for a while.

“Don’t mention her. This has nothing to do with her.”

“This has everything to do with her and you know it.”

I don’t have anything to say against that. We both know it’s the truth, though only one of us is trying to deny it. The dumb one.

“You know what I think? You spent your past 6 birthdays with the girl of your dreams and now that you pushed her away you have no idea what to do. Am I right?”

He is. I don’t say anything as my head lowers, slowly realizing there is no hiding anything from him. She’s still on my mind. I still wonder what she’s doing, where she is, if she’s safe. I still care. “You’re right.”

I broke up with who I considered my other half, convincing myself that I didn’t need her anymore. Who exactly was I trying to protect?

“I had to, I’ll hurt her.” I already did.

“And suddenly breaking up with her is supposed to make her happy?” I was hoping it would in the long run.

“You’re not the same as him.” Though I am. The same parents, the same group of friends growing up, the same sense of humour. We got along so well. What if we still do?

“He’s my brother Kook. We were so alike. You know he once too adored her.” We don’t talk anymore, I’m disappointed in him. He would’ve been too. I don’t understand what changed.

“He used her, nobody saw it coming. The signs were there, he just hid them too well.” Jungkook leaves his spot against to wall to comfort me, tucking my head into his neck.

“You’re not him and he isn’t you. The fact that you no longer want to be associated with him proves everything. He didn’t care about Hyeon.” So he can look straight at me, he pushes me away with his hands on my shoulders. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious.

“You love her, and you’ve got to fix this mess.”

I don’t like agreeing with him, but once again, he’s right.

As soon as I open the door I want to slam it right back into his face. Or I might want to run into his arms, I can’t decide yet. Regardless, I wasn’t expecting Taehyung to be standing on the other side when the doorbell went off.

“Umm… Hi?” All the words that have been building up in my personal dictionary seem to disappear the moment I lay my eyes on him. He still looks as good as the last time I saw him, even though the circumstances were heart-breaking.

“Hey, um I’m sorry I showed up unannounced. I didn’t really think this through…” Everything about him screams awkward. From the way his feet are pointed slightly more inwards than normally, to the way he doesn’t seem to be able to smile naturally. Instead there is this weird, tight expression on his face.

“Oh um… Would you like to come in though?” I don’t wait for an answer as I step aside, my memory helping me remind that nine out of ten times the answer to that question is ‘yes’. “Oh yeah, thank you.”

“Do you want anything to drink?” Not really having anything to say I cycle through the set few sentences I usually need when I have someone over. I’m not happy that he’s here, but I’m not the type to lash out at people.

“Ah no, I’m okay. Look I’m just going to get straight to the point, I messed up big time. I got insecure and closed myself off to everyone including you and I’m so fucking sorry that I did.”

My lack of reaction surprises me. Sure, my insides are doing somersaults, but I don’t feel the need to express any of it. Like an unused sheet of paper, my face stays blank. “And now you’re here to win me back I presume?”

Somewhere in between his statement and mine, the tables shifted. Slowly, I’m gaining the confidence he is losing.

“Well, not really, I mean yes, but-”

He catches himself rambling, shutting his mouth before any real nonsense can make it out. Taking a deep breath helps, the words coming out more fluently after. Not a great start, but it’s okay. I have patience. Sometimes.

“I just wanted to let you know that the words I shot at you that day weren’t true. I hurt you and I didn’t want those words to roam your mind not knowing they weren’t even close to what I was feeling.”

The deep breath he drew in earlier escapes in a deep sigh, followed by his mouth opening and closing a few times without any sounds making it out. “And?” It was meant as a way to encourage him to continue. Sadly, it came out rather rude.

“I do still care about you, damn I still love you more every day. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you please let me know, I don’t want to have to live in a world where my last words to you made you cry. Obviously I would want a second chance at being the proper lover you deserve, but you’re in charge here. If you want me to walk out the door I will.”

There’s a hopeful look in his eyes making my heart beat erratically. In the past I would’ve instantly dropped to my knees, making sure every wish of his came true. I am no longer that girl.

“Tae it’s been months, you can’t just suddenly drop by and tell me you’re sorry. I spent days wondering why you broke up with me, wailing over the fact that you suddenly just didn’t care anymore, and even now you’re not giving me an answer. Why did you suddenly turn your back on me? Why did you not talk to me about whatever was bothering you? Even now you’re making me feel like you couldn’t trust me. Fuck, you just left me there like I was a piece of trash!”

What was once a hopeful look in his eyes, turned into defeat. He won’t give me an answer.

“You can’t just come in here exclaiming to love me after I’ve worked so hard to get myself over you. You can’t just come in here trying to steal my heart when I’m learning to give it to somebody else.”

“The blonde haired dude?”

Perhaps I shouldn’t feel a sense of accomplishment at the clear jealousy in his voice. However, this man did break my heart in two for apparently no reason. Is it weird I would want to get back at him a little?

“His name is Yejun and he’s a great guy. Look, just leave please. I have nothing more to say or hear. We’re done.” Turning away from him I mark the end of this conversation. It takes a while before there is any movement behind me. Slow steps make their way to the front door before pausing.

“I hope he treats you well, but I’m not going to simply give up on you like that.”

And secretly, I was hoping he wouldn’t.

Two, three four days, before I realize it it has been an entire week since I last saw him. Some part of me is scared, scared that he has decided otherwise and I will never hear from him again.

I had told myself getting over him would be easy when I finally accepted the help of my friends, and for a while it was. Or so I thought, because the moment he walked in here I was right back to square one.

I’m in the middle of working on a new project when the doorbell rings. Standing up, I go to open the door wondering who it could be. If he had come back for me after all. Too bad I would soon be disappointed, as the man standing in front of my door was just an ordinary mailman.

“Umm I didn’t order anything?” My eyes fall on almost gigantic package behind the man. If I ordered some furniture I would’ve surely remembered right?

“Are you not y/f/n y/l/n?”

“No I am.”

“It clearly has your name and address on it miss.”

The building up confusion hasn’t left my head yet, but knowing there is nothing else I can do I decide to accept the package. After thanking the courier I close the door and carefully carry the big box into my living room.

The moment I open the big thing up, a bunch of big balloons float up to my low ceiling. There’s a transparent one with little hearts bouncing around inside, one that’s just one big heart itself, another one has the words ‘I love you’ written on it in a neat font. If I hadn’t checked my calendar this morning I would’ve thought it was valentine’s day.

Diving deeper into the box I find a relatively big fluffy teddy bear, hugging what seems to be a letter in a white envelope.

‘When I was 16 a miracle happened, I met the most beautiful girl. Me not being able to contain myself I immediately introduced myself to her. She said he name was y/n. I think it was back then that I decided her voice was my favourite. I was too much of a coward to ask her out at the time. I eventually did, though looking back I wish I did so sooner. There was never a boring day with her by my side.’

That’s all there is. Just a few words on an otherwise empty piece of paper. No signature at the bottom, no name, and still I knew exactly who wrote it.

The next day another package came in. This time a different set of balloons, a different stuffed animal, but the exact same white envelope.

 ‘When I was 22 my brother and his fiancée broke it off. Just like the piece of shit I have to call my dad he betrayed his partner’s trust, cheating on her without a second thought. My mother heard about it and accused both of us as being just like our father. You know after a while, I really started believing her.’

Each day a new box would come in, always containing a present with a letter attached.

‘I was terrified of hurting you, terrified of you seeing me the way my mom did, so I hid everything from you. I should’ve known that I can’t hide anything, you know me too well. I panicked and left you, the biggest mistake I could ever make. One that made everything that was already happening so much worse. I tried telling myself I didn’t need you, but I just couldn’t.’

I believed him, believed in the words he wrote down.

‘I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. It’s all my fault and I’ll spend forever owning up to my mistakes. I love you and I don’t want to live without you. Please just give me one more chance to prove myself to you. One is all I need.’

I’m sorry Yejun, I can’t forget about him after all.

Actually he should be the one who is nervous, and well maybe he is, but I’m the one standing on his front porch with my knees shaking and my heart beating right out of my chest. At one point I was even scared he would be able to hear me through the door.

Shaking my head I gather all the courage I can to knock on his door before I turn around and run back in the direction I came from. However, when I hear the sound of my fist on the hard wood I briefly still consider hiding somewhere.

Luckily I don’t get the chance to. While still going back and forth between the options staying or coming back some other time, the door creaks. I stiffly force my hands to stay still at my sides. The time it takes for the door to actually open seems like an entirety. If you were to count the passing seconds it would at most be like 5, which doesn’t sound like much, it feels like much.

“y/n?” His stance looks like a ‘what are you doing here?’, but his eyes give more of a ‘please say you’re here to forgive me’. Well, the latter would be right. “Can I come in?”

“Y-yeah of course.”

It’s not hard to notice that he is uncertain of his actions. It pleases me on one hand, as it gives me some sort of confirmation that he doesn’t want to make any more mistakes around me. On the  other hand, I don’t like seeing him uptight around me. I wish he was more comfortable when I’m near.

“I received the letters you wrote.” He knows I received his letters, he was the one who wrote them and sent them out. Surprisingly though, he almost audibly swallows at the information like he did something bad.

“Why couldn’t you tell me in person?” It takes me back to the day he suddenly landed on my doorstep. Even when I explicitly asked for it, he gave me nothing.

“I was scared, I couldn’t get the words out. I wasn’t at all prepared.” He takes a pause before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just didn’t know what else to believe at that point.”

Carefully, I reach out my hand to place on top of his laying on his lap. I don’t touch his skin yet, patiently waiting for him to give me some sort of consent. It comes in the form of him softly raising his hand to meet mine.

“I know, we all have our insecure times. You’re not obligated to tell me anything. I can’t and shouldn’t force you to. I’m sorry I doubted you. I was only upset about the way you left.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I thought that if your last memory of me was a bad one you’d forget me faster.”

It didn’t work the way he wanted it to, but he already knows. Already having been hit with that fact multiple times, I decide to spare him. I don’t mention it again.

“Did you ever stop loving me?” At the time it seemed like he did. Like he wasn’t simply acting, like those harsh words were what he truly felt. “Be honest please.” I don’t want any more lies. I’ll accept whatever comes out, even if it throws me right back to where I started.

“I-I don’t know… I really thought my mother was right. That what I had for you wasn’t what it seemed to be.” His gaze briefly drifts to the ground, before focussing on our touching hands. Like magic, the uncomfortableness he was feeling seems to shift. “No matter what she or I tried to convince myself of, something was always missing. I couldn’t put a mask over my own hurting and guilt anymore.”

He spoke the truth. Well at least I think he did. And so I accepted it.

“Okay, thank you for telling me.”

This talk was long overdue. Something we both needed and completely missed. No screaming, no crying, no accusing. If only it went this way from the start. We’re not all perfect though. Even if someone out there is, I’m not, he isn’t. They must be laughing at us.

“Your letters were cheesy. The gifts too.” I’m not sure if this is me trying to lighten the mood, or if I’m just stating facts. Regardless, it makes the both of us smile.

“I know. But you love cheesy things, like the roses I buy you on special occasions.” When he looks back at me I have to resist the urge to jump on him. The smile he wears look good on him. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. “You know me too well.”

“Well did they work?”

I had already made up my mind a few days back. While staring at the floating balloons occupying my living room I had decided for myself that he’s worth it. He is.

Tilting my head up like I’m still thinking, I make clear ‘hmm’ sound. I had thought that the answer is quite obvious, seeing as I came to him myself, but when doubt takes away his smile I drop the act. I’ve been through enough. We’ve both been through enough.

“Yeah, yeah it did.”

Unlike myself, he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me. Burying his head in the crook of my neck like he used to do, he lets out a few low ‘thank you’s’. It doesn’t take me long to return the hug, feeling just as safe with him as I used to.

“What about.. Ah I forgot his name.” It’s not hard to guess who he’s hinting at, the sourness in his voice giving him away. I understand, I wouldn’t like it either.

“I ended things.” His answer just comes in the for of a small nod. There is no need for anything more.

“I honestly thought you were going to reject me again.” He ends his sentence with a chuckle and completely relaxes in my hold. Now that the tension is gone, we can go back to where we left off, slowly rebuilding what was lost.

“I was just playing with you, I’m sorry. But no more being an asshole okay? I promise I will kick your ass.” My giggling might undermine the threat a little to others. Luckily, he knows I’m serious.

“I will give you full permission to, but you’ll never have to. I’m going to dump so much love on you that you’ll regret ever even thinking about taking me back. You’re stuck with me now though, so you better be prepared.”

Pulling himself back a little, he plants a gentle kiss on my lips. And then another one, a second one, three more, each kiss more passionate than the last. A fire spreads throughout my body, burning away the few doubts I had left with success. Eventually, to my dismay, I have to pull back for air. Damn humans for needing oxygen.

“Oh? I’d like to see you try.”

Just in case you were wondering, I never did regret it.

[deanscroissant]

Enemies with Benefits

Request:  Anon: (I know this is A LOT, and also a bit weird, so it's totally okay if you don't feel like writing it) Being enemies with benefits with Joe, but secretly loving each other... then he finds out your feelings and keeps teasing you and making you jealous to make you admit them... so you have a fight, but then you talk it out and finally get together

Parings: Joe Mazzello x Reader

Word Count: she’s lengthy (3,182)

Warnings: Asshole Joe, angst, fluff, a dash of smut, implied smut. Also, don’t ever get with a dude like this. This is purely fiction. 

Beta’d by: @beesonestopcurioshop​ (thank you so so much 😭💛)

A/N: Soooo this request was from waaay back in October, along with two other posts. This is why I can’t do requests because I’m too much of a perfectionist. If you remembered requesting this please message me so I know you’re still around. 💀 But anyway, hope you all enjoy and feedback is greatly appreciated! 💕

Tags: @mrsmazzello @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ @joemazzelloisboredandsoami​ @pastelhybristophiliac​

gif credit: @esmeralda​

“Your stroke game was weak.” You said bluntly to Joe while panting as he collapses onto the bed next to you from throwing his condom away.

“Oh, fuck off.” He replies back with an eye roll, knowing that you were lying. “You weren’t saying that yesterday when you were begging me to make you cum.”

“Because I had work and I didn’t have the time for teasing!” You jolted out of bed frustrated to put back on your clothes. “And, plus, that was yesterday. Today’s a brand new day with countless disappointments!”

“Well, at least I was satisfied.” He smirked as he watched you get dressed, loving the fact that you were ticked off. 

“Of course. All you think about is yourself.” You were looking around to find your phone when you didn’t see it on Joe’s nightstand. “Where’s my phone?”

“You left it downstairs.” Joe yawns. “Wow, you wore me out... and not in a good way.”

You rolled your eyes as you slipped on your pumps, “You wore yourself out.” You stood from the bed to slip your coat on. From the corner of your eye, you could see Joe watching your every move.

Honestly, you wanted to jump back into bed with him. But you’re not going to let him know that. Instead, you put on a look of exasperation to hide what you’ve felt for the ginger man since you’ve met him. 

“What, puny?” you say with a hand on your hip. 

“Nothing.” He scoffs before sitting up from the bed, also covering up what he’s been really feeling about you. 

You roll your eyes, “Same time Thursday?”

Joe shakes his head while crossing his arms, “Can’t. I’m meeting someone.”

“What do you mean ‘someone’? That’s against the rules!” 

“How would you know if it's a girl or not? As I said, I’m meeting with someone. It’s really none of your business.” He says bluntly, making your stomach drop hearing him say that. 

Deep down you were jealous. Whenever Joe was going out with someone, who he never mentions their name, you’d get extremely jealous and guilty. You never knew if he was sleeping around with other people, but he says he isn’t.

Sometimes you can’t believe everything he tells you because he’s always lying to you. You don’t even know why it was such a good idea to have this friend with benefits thing going on between you two. 

You’ve known Joe for a few years from working in the same company together back in your college days. You both hated each other the minute you met. He was always competitive but you were the total opposite of him. You were so glad that you didn’t have to deal with him or see him ever again after you graduated.

After almost fifteen years of not seeing his annoying ass, the asshole finds you on Tinder of all places. It was odd seeing him on there, and it pissed you off that he found you. You figured if you acted like he didn’t exist it would help, but to your luck, you ended up seeing him days later in a grocery store… of all places.

For some reason, you couldn’t get away from this guy no matter what you did or how hard you tried. You’d actually give him a chance if he wasn’t so bad. Back in college, he was good looking, but now he looks sexy as hell. 

He wanted to catch up so you invited him to your apartment later that day around seven. The conversations you were having we're going well. He told you about being a well-known actor, which didn’t surprise you because you knew he had the talent when he did Jurassic Park. But then the asshole started bringing up old shit that pissed you off.

You fired back at him about himself, which made him pissed as well. You both were going back and forth arguing until Joe just kissed you. 

Of course, you were taken aback, but you both knew the sexual tension was there for a while. One thing led to another, and the next morning he was gone. He did send you a text message saying how awful last night's activities were just to hide the fact that he actually enjoyed spending time with you, and wanted to meet up again. 

You told him to fuck off and to not speak to you ever again and blocked his number. 

Fast forward a month later and Joe shows up on your doorstep. He was a little drunk and before you cursed at him he pleaded that he needed someone to talk to. The kind person that you are, you let him in and you two went into your kitchen, going to your fridge to grab two water bottles. You handed him one and sat next to him to listen to whatever he needed to get out in the open. 

He flat out told you that he was lonely and wanted a friend with benefits thing going on between you two. You looked at him like he was crazy. “Are you off your meds? Why the hell would I want that with you? First off, what possessed you to think that?”

“Well,” he sighed. “I actually enjoyed sleeping with you, surprisingly.”

As Joe took a sip of his water your mind began racing. ‘Did he confess that he actually likes being around me? Is he gonna say that he likes me?’ The thoughts ran through your mind, but you were interrupted by Joe’s laugh. He almost spat out his water when he looked over at you. “Damn, don’t think too much about it. I just enjoyed the sex.”

You rolled your eyes, “Whatever. I actually liked it as well. But what makes you think I could trust you?”

“Well, we’ve known each other for a long time...and I can prove it to you that I’ll follow the rules. I mean come on, when have I ever broken the rules while competing with you?” He gives you a knowing smirk. 

It was true, admittingly. You guys competed at almost everything together which you’re too embarrassed to say out loud. But Joe knew your weaknesses and strongest points about you. If he really disliked you he wouldn’t be sitting here in your kitchen and made you his worst enemy possible by now. You’ve seen Joe ruined a few people’s lives before, so it’s weird to think that he didn’t destroy yours...yet.

“Give me tomorrow to figure out what I want to do,” you said while screwing the top back on your bottle. 

“I want an answer now, y/n,” he says sternly. 

“I said what I said, Joe,” you said back in the same tone with your arms crossed. 

“And I said what I said.”

You let out a huff. “I’m not letting you win this.”

Joe gives you a wide smile with a small chuckle, “You know better than to go back and forth with me of all people.”

“Well, I don’t know yet, Joe. I need some time to think over some things.”

“To think over what? We’re just hate fucking, basically!”

“Yeah well, how do I know if you’re clean or not? Are you sure you’re not seeing anyone just to get back at them for who knows what?” 

“Oh honey,” he cooed with an evil smirk, knowing what he’ll say would tick you off. “I didn’t know you wanna go raw. So kinky.”

“Over. My. Dead. Body.” you grunted.

“You and I both know that’s not true.” He got a little closer to where his alcohol-smell breath fanned your face. Your heart picked up a little bit more speed as he scanned your face, then stared at your lips while licking and biting his. Gosh, you actually wanted to kiss him right then and there. The tension in the air had become heavy, and Joe knew what he was doing was going to convince you to give him his answer at this moment. 

“If...if I say yes, would you stop eye-fucking me because it’s making me uncomfortable.” you lied. 

“Oh sorry. I forgot you’re not used to that,” he said with a proud smile at his joke, which made you heated. 

“I’ll do it, now get out!” you shouted while pointing towards the door. Joe laughed and happily jumped from his seat, saying his goodbyes and telling you that he’ll call you for more details. 

And here you two were five months into it. The same days, the same routine. Joe almost made you late once for work and you let him have it the next time you saw him. He knew that one thing you don’t play about is your job and it meant the world to you. Shockingly enough Joe respected it and ever since you’ve always been on time. 

But right now you don’t know if you wanted to risk it. It would bother you all day if you didn’t know who Joe was going to see. You weren’t in a relationship with him so why did it matter? Maybe because you think you’re really into him...or maybe because you’re always staring at him, or you’re always thinking about him and you genuinely want the guy to be happy. 

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Joe waved a hand in your face. He was already dressed and a look of concern was on his face. “Are you good? You’ve been zoned out for a while.”

“I’m...I’m fine.” you started to pick up your clothes off the floor, “Just let me know when you want me to come over.”

Joe stares at you for a minute as you rush around your room. You trusted Joe enough by now to let himself out and to come in whenever. But before he left he couldn’t help but think that something is quite off about you. Well, he always thought there was something off about you, but it rubbed him off the wrong way the way you zoned out just now. On Thursday he really wasn't going to meet anyone. He was going out to buy some stuff to set up a dinner date in his house for you and him. Until then, he’ll want to know what that was all about, so he’ll make sure to drain every piece of information from you.

*Thursday*

It was around six o’clock when you’d got home from work. Once you got out of your clothes to whine down for the day, you get a text from Joe saying, ‘Come over. Now.’

You let out an annoyed groan. You honestly didn’t feel like having sex tonight. When the other wouldn’t feel like doing so, we’ll respect it. But when Joe sent back a ‘You have to. It’s important.’, it made your ears perk. He never sent anything like that to you which was concerning. 

“So much for binge-watching Tiger King the rest of the night,” you say aloud before getting up and rush to go get ready. 

When you get to his place you pull out the key that he gave you to open the door. When you walked in you were welcomed with the aroma of freshly baked bread and garlic. The lights in his house were dimmed, and the door to the dining room was illuminated by firelight. Scrunching your face you quickly walked into the room. What you saw made you let out an audible gasp. 

Joe was sitting at the table that was full of food smirking. There were two lit candles sitting in the middle of it, and an ice bucket with wine sitting to his left. You were getting ready to speak, but Joe cut you off, “There’s this girl that I’ve known for more than a decade. When I first laid eyes on her she gave me this feeling that I’ve never felt before. Getting to know her was the fun part because I found out that we had almost everything in common. But it was hard trying to express my feelings to her, which resorted to me being vile towards her.”

Joe got up and walked to you with his hands in his pockets while looking down, trying to find the right words. “She acted the same towards me, which,” He looks up at you with a shrug. “was expected.” 

He stops and stares at you, a small smile forming on his lips. “After parting ways when we graduated I thought I would never see her again. All these years I tried to find her. She didn’t have Facebook or Twitter or any type of social media. She probably did but used a pseudonym for them.” he lightly chuckled. “But when I found her I felt like I had found my other half that I lost. We’ve been seeing each other for months and I have yet to tell her my feelings. Do you think it’s too late to tell her?” 

The rhetoric question flew over your head when you spoke, “Are you talking about me?” you stammered while pointing to yourself. Joe rolled his eyes, “No, I’m talking about Ke$ha.”

You stood there shocked. Here he was confessing his love to you and you couldn’t find the words to confess yours. “Joe...oh Joe, this is so overwhelming.”

“What’s so overwhelming about it?” he asked, confused. 

“Joe, you don’t want me. I think you’re getting too comfortable.” you crossed your arms and looked down at your shoes. “So you broke the rules.”

You couldn’t tell Joe how you felt because you think he was lying to you. There was no way in heck that he loved you because in your book actions speak louder than words, and his actions confirmed that he’s playing a trick on you. He’s probably doing this because he wants to remind you that no one would ever do anything like this for you. 

Joe’s heart broke at what you said. “Y/n, what are you talking about? I don’t want you? Look at all this food I cooked from scratch! I spent almost four hours busting my ass to cook this lovely meal for you, and finally confessing how I felt about you. And you think all of this came from the sex?”

“Well, Joe, I can’t take you seriously, alright? The text that you sent me earlier was the only time out of however many years I’ve known you that I took you seriously.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” you retorted. “I don’t know if you’re doing this to crush my self-esteem, even more, to get a kick out of it later.”

Joe looks at you stunned. “That’s what you really think of me?”

“You’ve portrayed the asshole persona for all of the years I’ve known you so no shit, Sherlock!” 

“Well, for now on I will never put you down. I’ll never act like an asshole to you ever again because I’m in love with you!”

“Shut up! You sound ridiculous. I’m leaving!” you get ready to turn to leave when Joe grabs your arm. 

“It’s the truth, dammit! I’ve never wanted to be with someone so badly in my life. Out of all the girls I’ve been with they don’t compare to you, y/n. I’m telling you, you’re it for me. I can’t let you leave me. Not again. I don’t know how I’ll act if you walk out that door and never speak to me again.”

At this point, you were in tears. You were conflicted at his words, yourself. You didn’t know what to think. “Joe, I don’t know.”

“Let me prove it to you.” he moves his hands down to yours and holds them. 

“You always say that,” you said while wiping your face. 

“But I do it, don’t I?”

“I just...I just don’t get it. All these years—the way you treated me…”

“I wasn’t the only bad guy here. We both were assholes to each other,” he said with a sad smile. 

“But you made me act like an asshole. Like you said earlier, you acted vile to me which led me to retaliate.” you look up at him and he sighs, rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand. 

“I know. I understand if you don’t want to be with me, but I want you to know that I truly love you and I want this relationship to work.” He lifts your chin up with his finger for you to look him back in the eyes. He wants you to see his pleading eyes, to know that he means everything he’s saying. “I promise you from this day forward that I won’t be a dick to you. I want you in my life, y/n.”

You were crying again and Joe cupped your face and wiped your tears with his thumbs. You close your eyes and sigh heavily. “Joey…” you said softly, which shocked both of you but you both didn’t show it. It felt right when you said it and Joe’s heart felt like it was melting. He wants to hear you call him that for the rest of his life. 

“Yes?” he said and smiled softly. 

“I um…” you couldn’t find the words, so you cupped his face in your hands and kissed him. It definitely wasn’t like any of the other kisses you had with him, but it felt like it was your first time kissing him. It was a kiss that you both longed for and you finally broke the seal. The warmth courses through your veins that heats up your body. You felt like you were floating.

When you pulled away Joe slowly opened his eyes and his lips formed into a big, genuine smile. It made your heart flutter and you smiled back at him shyly. “So is that a yes?” he asked while wrapping his arms around you to pull you close to him. 

You rolled your eyes but let out a laugh. “Of course, stupid. Do you think we should eat now before the food gets cold?”

“Oh! Right.” he laughs before pulling your chair out for you, to which you thanked him. You watched as he grabbed the wine bottle from the ice bucket and poured both of you a glass of wine. 

After you toast and began your meal, Joe had to ask you an important question. “What’s that?” you asked before eating a forkful of mashed potatoes. 

“That day when I asked you if you were okay because you had zoned out, what were you thinking about?” 

Your face flushed at his question. “Do you really want to know?” 

He nods while smiling, waiting for you to answer. As you explained to him what you were thinking the other day you could see how your words were affecting him. It was something that made you realize that you want to speak these loving words to him for the rest of your life. He was meant to be in your life for a reason and you couldn’t imagine avoiding him anymore. 

[prisontoybox]

17, 19, 25 (shadow lord), 27, 29, 36, 37, 38, 39

//Oops that took a while phew, thank you <3

Munday Asks

17 "What was your first muse?"

I guess other than warrior cats and one other oc that werent necessarily mused, it'd be Dipper Pines (regular and most of his aus). I ended up really deep in the Gravity Falls Amino and I ended up in many of the rps defaulting to him for other friends and rpers til I became known for it to an extent gjfjdk. I did a couple other GF charcaters but mainly him in my friend groups.

19 "Do you have ship bias?"

I'll be honest I have no clue what this means. :v If its about writing a ship with someone and their muse, it mostly depends on chemestty and if I know the mun at least a little and if its fun to write. (Ex, I haven't written any real Monix even tho its cute despite having Fox talk to a few Monos here and discord, but have written thinlady with @/gecsha and already otp'd it. I also liked Sevix but wanted SK to want nothing to do with Six in even a friendly regard, but me and @/raincoatnightmare became friends when we were writing and it was funny and cute plus added further character into SK that I like (also now lordlady supremacy ty ty). Or in another fandom, the only character I've written with a canon relationship (or semi-canon? ig its vague?) was Hero from Omori and even then it seems weird to jump into a ship with someone I havent spoken to so it would probably be more prominent with an rper I've talked to before even if its still there with strangers)

25 "Do you play smut? Do you play it only with characters you’re shipping with, or are you open for “one night stands”?"

27 "Are you interested into poly relationships for your muse?"

Tbh Ive (embarrassedly and probably poorly) written it with one other person before in a certain circumstance I don't wanna get into here that ended not-so-well but I'm too nervous to write that kinda thing with others unless we were really comfortable writing that in private. It would always have to be shipping and he's only really shipped with one muse and you already admitted to asking this so I hope youre happy embarrassing me now hfksfkjfkd (also off like you said only adults like SL)

It never starts that way and yet so often ends up like that fhsksl. For SL he's already in a cute poly ship in a verse so I'll say yes to that. Lady Fox hasn't really been written into anything at all yet and I haven't even considered any ship even my beloved thinlady for her so we'll see gjjdls. For puppy ships with the kids again idk

29 "What are your thoughts on your muses' canon?"

Sweats in divergent characters Well Six is really cool and honestly a fun character to watch go through things, I really like her and her clever survival skills even if she's not the most kind in some situations cough cough. I could write a whole essay on why I love her little differences between the other characters in idle animations, cutscene reactions, and her ai actions in LN2. And seeing her in both comic series + those LN2 cutscenes/ai, I like how despite it all its obvious just still just a kid who also enjoys time with others.

RK is honestly my favorite of the protags, little dude is hard (to the) core. I still hate the canon ending 💔 /hj. His specific idle animations we get to see are also interesting in the fact thet theyre a little different from Six's (the only 2 kids at the time). Seeing his interactions with the Nomes (Hideaway), Six (cancelled comic), and reaction to the Flashlight Girl (Depths), it's also neat to see his little personality shine through. I got the feeling he was almost hesitant to escape but went through anyway, and saw it to the end (even if it was his own end) and with all the stepping on coal and glass, hitting every obstacle in the way and still standing up straight, and being resourceful of those around him, and I can respect him. Also he's the only one who's had a chapter I would be too scared to go through if I had the LN mindset so good on him 💔.

36. "Do you feel similar to your muse in any way?"

With Fox I really feel that casual but anxious at any time feeling, and already projected a lot of my anxieties about memory loss onto her. I also just like foxes. (Ive only spent money on game cosmetics 3 times and one was the LN1 fox mask, another was yesterday $10 on an almost useless fox plush on Sky: CotL fhdjsk but hey whats important is invisible to the eyes).

With SK I can feel the "listens to an echo chamber for emotions" sometimes, and holding onto things stubbornly. It's quite easy to write him as I don't like admitting certain things either and deny deny deny, but that makes SL a little harder to make him romance fbdksk.

With SL I do really feel that overprotectiveness and envy in some things, he might be waaay exaggerated ofc but it's there. Im also a big self blamer.

37 "Do you feel different from your muse in any way?"

With Fox I'm much more social, I do like hugs and physical touchs and talking even oversharing cough just look at this whole post whereas she'd very reserved and quiet about her feelings 99% of the time.

With SK I can't really find it in me to hold a grudge that well. I can think back and get annoyed that some teacher or other kid or family member did some bad thing to me in the past, or say "so-and-so hurt me yesterday", but I can't hold it as just hate for long and see it differently. There's very few people I'm having trouble forgiving and forgetting, and they'll never be allowed near my family if I can help it.

With SL I can't say I'm in a good position if I'm in charge. I can be a good right hand or lower ranking moniter/manager, but being the head is too much pressure and depressing. He seems to be doing just fine both on his own and with his wife and/or husband.

38 "What's the best inspiration for your muse?"

Mostly jokes and random ideas with my friends! Some of the best plots I've had personally were turning a romance/ship joke into angst for pain, or angst into romance as hurt/comfort. Ofc music also helps but this is the best!

39 "What's a song that reminds you of your muse?"

I have a whole playlist so let me think of some that only or mostly involve that character and their feelings.

Fox/Six- Again

SK- Cradles

SL- KING

[fullmetalscullyy]

Hey Emma. I hope you're having a great day! From your prompt list of ANGST, write me up one of these prompts. “Get the hell out.” You're super awesome! -Stacy

ok.

so i know this is SUPER late. i have no excuses… just wasn’t in the mood for a while… however…

this is sitting at 20k words (not in this ask, i had to break it up into a full blown chapter story kjfkdgn) and i probably (finally) only have about 1k-2k words left to write. it spiralled waaay out of control (in the best way i hope D:)

it’s been a long time coming but it’s f i n a l l y nearly done.

aaaaand thank you stacy!!! you’re so great ilysm

sorry for the angst but u did ask uwu so here’s about 20k words of it :)

enjoy!

rated: t | words: 1978

read on ao3 and ffnet

His Protector - Chapter 1

“You did this?”

His Highness’ voice was low. She’d gone against his wishes, but it was for his own good. He couldn’t see that now, maybe he never would, but it would mean he’d be safe. That was all that mattered right now to his First Knight.

“I did, Your Highness.” Her tone was unapologetic, and rightly so, she thought.

“I explicitly told you not to carry out this request.” His tone was dangerous now.

King Mustang was angry, and Knight Hawkeye could understand that. She knew he’d be offended that she went behind his back, knew he’d feel betrayed, but she still did it.

“I told you I could handle it.”

The Knight didn’t doubt it, but she wouldn’t let him walk to his death. She couldn’t.

Her King was stubborn but had always heeded her warnings. This time, he hadn’t, and it was concerning. Riza Hawkeye had done some digging and discovered just how dangerous this venture may become. She had a bad feeling in general about the whole operation, and her gut had never failed her before. Only this time, her King had dismissed her concerns. He was dead set on following through with it. It both baffled and irritated her, as the head of his security.

If he wouldn’t listen to her as she tried to protect him, she’d have to step in to make sure that happened. She was protecting him from himself.

“I understand that, Your Highness, however given the evidence, I made an executive decision to call the meeting off.”

“What evidence?” he exploded, standing from his throne. “There’s no evidence to indicate this situation would threaten my life.”

“Your Highness, I’ve had a very bad feeling about this from day one,” Riza explained herself.

“I don’t work on bad feelings,” he interrupted.

Riza felt her irritation spike. “Yes, Your Highness, however, it’s saved my life, and yours, more often than I can count –”

“You disobeyed my orders and went against my wishes based on a “gut feeling”.” His expression was hard, his eyes unforgiving. This wasn’t how she anticipated this conversation going. It was derailing very quickly, but she was just doing her job. “That’s something I cannot have, and will not tolerate, in my court. Is that understood?”

“Of course, Your Highness.” She had to swallow past the lump in her throat to get the words out, but Riza managed.

“You no longer hold the status as my First Knight.”

That felt like a knife in her heart, but Riza had expected it. Harsh, but she knew the consequences of her actions and would accept them wholeheartedly, because it was for the King’s own safety.

“You’re no longer a part of my court. Get the hell out.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

Riza bowed as was etiquette, then removed the seal from the front of her armour. It was King Mustang’s personal seal and showed the title she held as his First Knight. She’d been his closest advisor, his confidant, and his protector. He felt betrayed by her actions, Riza knew this. She could see it in his eyes. It had hurt like hell to go against him, but she was simply doing her job.

Riza approached and placed the seal on the table at the bottom of the dais leading up to his throne. She patted it once, unable to help herself as she bid farewell to her old friend. It hurt. This seal had been a part of her for years and just like that, it was gone. It was him who’d taken it from her. It hurt like hell.

Turning, Riza left the throne room, her movements controlled. There was no argument because she knew he wouldn’t listen. It frustrated her completely. Irritated her, even. How could he be so blind and stubborn? He may have felt betrayed by her actions, but the feeling was mutual. She’d advised him for so long and suddenly, he brushed her aside? Dismissed her warning and concerns? That was a betrayal in itself.

However, she’d done her part to ensure his safety. Riza had done all she could – even went behind his back and against his wishes. There wasn’t much else she could do. The knight just hoped it was enough.

As she turned, her mask cracked, and she let out a shaky breath. It was silent, so he wouldn’t hear her, and her movements never faltered as she walked away from the man she loved. Tears crept up to her eyes and threatened to fall, but she held them at bay.

All her life she’d dedicated herself to King Roy Mustang and his family. They’d taken her in after her father passed away. Berthold had been Roy’s father’s advisor, and Riza had been accepted into the family with open arms. The last thing she’d wanted to do was betray him like this, but Riza felt she had no choice. She was doing the right thing, she believed. She’d prevented him from attending a meeting which would threaten his life. Roy had told her he was going regardless of warnings from the rest of the court, because he was determined to make things right and to create a peace treaty with the neighbouring kingdom.

The letter she’d given him tonight had been forged – by a friend of hers – to explain the meeting had been called off. The “sender” – a mutual friend and messenger between the two kingdoms – advised the King not to travel because of safety concerns brought forth by the First Knight. It named her because it was the only way the King would believe it was true.

Riza exited the castle and walked across the courtyard. Her horse was waiting for her, held in place by the stable hand for her arrival. Expressing her thanks, she mounted the horse and set out through the castle town. The roads were quiet. It was almost midnight, so not many people would be milling about, but the streets were almost eerie as she rode away from the only life she’d ever known.

Her future now was completely uncertain. However, she did have one last thing to do as the King’s First Knight. She had a plan and it was time to set it in motion.

After exiting the town gates Riza entered the forest and rode to a clearing. It was well used by her throughout the years as it was off the beaten path and far enough from the road that no one could eavesdrop.

“Knight Hawkeye?” a voice called out, unsure.

Riza dismounted her horse and approached the sound. A young man exited the cover of the trees and stepped into the moonlight.

“It’s just Hawkeye from now on, Alphonse,” Riza stated gently.

“Ah. Right. So, it’s done?”

Riza nodded, ignoring the pain in her chest. The wind from the ride had dried her tears. There would be time for that once this was all over and the King’s safety was secured. Until then, she would need to be level-headed and focussed. Even though she was no longer his First Knight, she still had a duty to her King, and a personal vow to protect him at all costs, no matter what her status was.

“It’s done. Step one is complete.”

“… Now it’s time for step two,” Alphonse finished for her.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out, Riza nodded.

“Right.”

She would attend the meeting in the King’s stead and try to bring about peace to the regions.

The threat on King Mustang’s life was very real, so there was no way Riza would let him go ahead with it. However, peace was still important. Riza believed that. So, she would go first to beat him there, and if they threatened her life… Well, she was better dying than the King. The kingdom needed him. He was a good and just King. Everyone loved him and it was the most successful ruling the kingdom had had in centuries. Riza wouldn’t jeopardize that.

Plus, then the King would have his damn evidence if she ended up dead. Hopefully that would penetrate his thick skull.

“When do we leave?” Alphonse asked.

“I leave tonight. You go home to your brother.”

His eyes flashed with indignation. “I’m not leaving you to do this alone,” he argued.

“Alphonse –” Riza knew there would be an argument, but she was too drained to start it with him.

“No,” he shook his head. “I’ve come too far to drop it now. This plan was my suggestion, and it’s the reason you’ve lost your place in the King’s Court.” The reminder was harsh, and there was another stabbing pain in her heart. “The least I can do is see it through.”

“Al –”

“No, Riza.” His tone was firm and unyielding.

Riza looked into his eyes and saw a fire in them. His determination and loyalty to her may end up being the death of him and that’s why she was so hesitant to bring him along. However, there would be no stopping Alphonse, Riza knew that much.

“I have so many more magic abilities and I’ll be able to get you out of there if things get too dicey. I can help.”

“You’re a teenager –”

“Who has, on more than one occasion, proved my skill and my loyalty to you,” he reminded her. Then, his expression turned hurt. “You still don’t think I can do it?”

Riza stared at him for another moment, then gave in. She’d lost her fight.

“No,” she replied. She approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, softening her knees so she was eye level with him. He’d sprouted a few inches over the past few months and was almost catching up with her. “I don’t doubt your loyalty or abilities,” she reassured him. “It’s never been about that.”

“Then why won’t you let me help?” he pleaded.

“Because if anything was to happen to you, and you were hurt, or worse, you died, that’s something I wouldn’t be able to live with.” Her gaze was steady as she willed him to understand, her tone resolute. She gripped his shoulder tighter. “I would never forgive myself,” she whispered. “And I can’t bear the thought of it.”

They’d both worked closely over the last year. He was an advisor for the outskirts of the kingdom for her, and that was where he lived with his brother and his family. Alphonse was a bright and skilled mage, who’d learned the art from his father. He must have had a hell of a teacher, because at the age of nineteen, he was more skilled than most mages she’d been able to work with throughout her career.

It was also Alphonse who’d helped her come up with ideas to postpone the meeting, or avoid the King attending it completely, if they could. King Mustang was an immovable object though and would not heed her warnings. Alphonse lived near the neighbouring kingdom and had seen first-hand the affect the ruler had on their people. A kingdom where innocent traders and townspeople were left for dead on the road was not somewhere Riza wanted her King to go.

Too bad Roy is too stubborn to realise it.

Alphonse gripped the wrist of the hand on his shoulder tightly, his determination returning. “I won’t allow that to happen. I can get us out of there if things go south. I’ve got so many healing and protection spells because my father was paranoid about me and my brother getting hurt by the soldiers from the neighbouring kingdom. I’m well prepared.” His eyes flashed with the same fire that hadn’t wavered over the last few months. “I can make this happen, Riza.”

“All right,” she relented. There was no pleased look in Alphonse’s eyes, just determination.

“Let’s get to work.”

[cuefunkymusic]

OUCH MY HEART… ANON THIS WAS A GOOD REQUEST BUT MY POOR POOR HEART… i’m going to do this one with Narancia since he’s more RECENT asjgdkljgdklsa I hate wording it that way, but..... it’s true ig :’(

off the runway // vento aureo spoilers below!!

word count: 2429

( A/N  ) I accidentally made this WAAAY more angsty than I meant for it to be initially, I just went wild with ideas and. I’m sorry in advance if this makes you sad. :’) Also, please note this isn’t an x reader, just pure angst below.

under cut for length!

It wasn’t very often that you went on walks, though this afternoon was an exception. The sound of raindrops drumming onto the cement filled your mind as you walked through the quiet suburbs, no one else in sight save for the occasional person walking their dog.

 Holding your umbrella, you peeked out from beneath it eyeing the clouds, which were ominously dark. It had been raining all day, and there wasn’t any sign of it stopping anytime soon.  As you continued on your walk, you took note of the coliseum that stood in front of you. The structure itself was crumbling and damaged, and its appearance alone in the gloomy atmosphere seemed ominous. Looking around, you didn’t see any staff operating the entrance to the coliseum, since during the day it was a huge tourist attraction.

You had never been to the coliseum, although something about it seemed to be drawing you in as you walked closer to the entrance. Now that you looked, there was nobody around you, and it was eerily silent save for the sound of the rain. Taking one last glance at the area, you speedwalked into the coliseum, feeling a chill go through your body as you walked in. 

You walked down the passageway that looped around the interior of the coliseum, noting the huge gates that were positioned at every exit into the main arena. They were opened, and it seemed that they hadn’t been closed in a long, long time.

 As you made your way around the interior, you almost felt your heart stop in your chest as you spotted a figure, a boy sitting down in the corner of the hallway, next to one of the gates. You couldn’t exactly pinpoint his age, although he looked to be pretty young.

 You weren’t sure who he was, or even if he was part of the coliseum staff, but either way, you began to back up, not wanting to get in any potential trouble. 

A few inches away from the boy, you silently cursed yourself as you stepped on a twig that had been lying around the floor, the boy from before turning his head to look right at you. Freezing, you stood there for a few seconds, speechless, as you kept eye contact with the boy, his eyes squinting as he examined you, before he broke the silence.

“Wait… you can see me?” he asked, his voice echoing through the hall.

You stopped, trying to think of what to say. What type of question was that?

“Um… yeah, of course I can? ...Why?”

 You watched as the boy jumped up energetically, eyes wide and a grin on his face. 

“You’re serious? You really can see me?” 

You backed away a bit, surprised by his sudden burst of energy. 

“Uh, yeah. That’s what I said…”

“Ohh, finally! All the people that come here during the day just walk past me… I’ve never talked to anyone in here, until now!” you frowned, confused. Just how busy was it in here that people weren’t able to notice this boy? 

“Do… do you just sit there all day?” “Yeah, pretty much,” the boy said, shrugging. “I don’t really wanna be caught by security, y’know? I just don’t know where the others went.” You searched for something to say, confused by what was going on. How did nobody see this boy? Considering people were in the coliseum almost all day, someone would have kicked him out by now, wouldn't they? Swallowing the lump in your throat, you took a deep breath.

“Who… who exactly are the others?” you asked, frowning. “The other tourists that come here, you mean?” 

You and the boy sat in silence for a few seconds as he stared off somewhere, seemingly deep in thought. You didn’t want to disrupt him, although he was taking a while to respond. Finally, he looked away from you, mumbling something. “Sorry, what was that?” you asked, now thoroughly confused by the situation you found yourself in.

“I said it’s nothing,” he muttered, facing the wall. “I’d get in trouble if I told you anything about this.” You watched as he played with a piece of his hair, once again slouched over in the corner. You weren’t sure why, but you felt a strange attachment to this boy, a strong urge to help him. You inched your way towards him tentatively, not wanting to bother him too much.

As you made your way closer to him, you held in a gasp as you closer examined his figure. You weren’t sure how you hadn’t noticed it before, but the outline of his body seemed to be giving off a soft glow. It wasn’t one nearly as intense as the light coming from a lamp or a ceiling light, and instead was more ethereal, almost otherworldly. 

You wouldn’t lie, this whole experience had seemed otherworldly in a way, almost like a sequence of a dream. As you looked back at the boy, eerie silence still filled the room, the only other sound the soft pattering of rain from outside. 

Now that your gaze was fixated on the boy, you were also shocked to realize that he was almost completely motionless, his body not even moving to signify that he was breathing. 

Countless thoughts ran through your mind at this discovery, each trying to fathom how this was possible. This whole situation was very strange, and never in your life had you ever run into another situation even vaguely similar. 

As you and the boy sat a few inches away from each other, you searched for some sort of reasoning to explain what was going on. You remembered a while ago, there had been rumors of there being a lot more supernatural activity going on in the area. While you weren’t someone that fiercely believed in anything supernatural, the evidence that the boy was giving you and the stuff you had read was just too similar to be a coincidence. From the articles you read, and just general logic, everything that the boy had been doing fit the exact criteria of a ghost. You felt your heart drop as your mind fit the pieces together, realizing that this boy was likely a spirit. You were speechless, not sure what to say. Did he even know that he was no longer part of the living?

“What are you doing?” The boy’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts as you looked over to him, his bright purple eyes boring into yours. 

“Uh- I… I was wondering if you’re okay. I don’t know you that well, yes, but you’re worrying me. Are you sure you can’t tell me anything at all?”

The boy sat silent once again, and only now you also fell silent, a strange feeling overwhelming your senses. If this boy really was a ghost, then… just how long had he been trapped in here?

“...Fine, I guess I can tell you something,” the boy finally said, turning around to face you. Glancing around, you also sat down, still a fair distance away from the boy. 

“Alright, I’m listening,” you said, having sat against a wall of the coliseum interior. 

“Well… I was with some friends before. I’m not sure what really happened, I wandered off somewhere inside this place and then… well, I don’t know. I can’t remember anything after that…” 

The boy looked pained as he spoke, desperately trying to recall what had happened.

 “Well… I remember them calling out my name. That’s the last thing that I remember, everything else is just a blur,�� he said, hugging his knees. “I don’t know where they are… I’ve been waiting there hoping they’d come back for me, but… I’ve never seen them since.” 

You were at a loss for words, a sharp pain deep in your heart just from listening to him talk. You never really had been someone who really believed in ghosts, or at least felt strongly about them, but this…? This was just too real for you, and you weren’t sure if you were just making this all up in your mind.

You blinked, coming back to your senses.

“I… well, I-” you stopped yourself, trying to form a sentence that would at least give this boy… reassurance? Hope? Should you just outright tell him the truth, that he was no longer living, and that his friends would never come back? You squatted to his level where he sat on the floor, a sad smile on your face.

“Look, I… I’m sorry that your friends aren’t here. I don’t know them, so I don’t know if they’ll come back… but in these types of situations, you have to have hope.” 

Although you didn’t know the boy, you already felt a strong attachment to him, your eyes beginning to water a bit. “If it helps, I can sit here with you for a while. A little company doesn’t hurt, right?” you asked, wiping your eyes a bit.

The boy hadn’t noticed your now teary eyes as he looked off, a frown still present on his face. “I mean… you’re right,” he said, looking at you. He still hadn’t noticed your tears, but he gave you a small smile as you sat down next to him, the both of you leaning against the cool colosseum wall. 

“So… how long do you think you’ve been here?” you asked gently, not wanting to pry him too much.

He sat in thought for a while before responding.

“Well… I’m really not sure. It’s felt like days, but that’s probably an exaggeration. Maybe… a few hours? A day? I’ve never really been good with time. Fug- I mean, my friend has always been the one that was the timekeeper in the group.”

“Well… I’m sure they’ll be back soon,” you said, not wanting to admit how empty your words were. The two of you sat in silence for a bit, the rain outside starting to slow down a bit, slowing down to a light drizzle. 

You were about to say something when you heard footsteps, jumping as you remembered that you technically weren’t supposed to be in the coliseum. Your guard up, you stiffened as a man walked around the corner, his gaze soft as he looked at you, or so you thought. 

He was dressed in a white suit with black spots, golden zippers adorning his outfit. He gave off the same vibes that the boy gave off as he looked at you, although It took you a moment to realize he was looking at the boy behind you, who was still looking off to the side.

“Narancia?” 

The boy perked up, his eyes wide as he saw the man standing a few feet away. “B… Bruno?” 

You sat there, speechless, as the man who you assumed was Bruno walked closer to you, his gaze skipping right over you to be fixated on the boy, Narancia. His steps echoed through the hall, and you felt the boy next to you get up as he started walking towards the man as well.

“Y… you’re here? You can see me?” the boy choked out, his face trembling as he practically collapsed into the arms of the man. 

“Yes, Narancia… I’m here. Please don’t worry anymore,” he said softly, patting him gently on the back as the boy let out a muffled sob against his shoulder, his whole body wracked with sadness.

You sat on the sidelines, still at a loss for words. The way the man comforted him reminded you of the way a father comforted his son, and you sat there for a few seconds more, quiet, as the hug finally ended.

“Please don’t cry anymore. I’m here, and I’m not going to leave,” the man said, wiping away the tears the boy had shed. 

“Y… you really mean it?” he mumbled, sniffing. “I was so scared while you were gone… I thought you had all abandoned me. I didn’t know if… if the boss was around the corner, out to get me.”

“No, Narancia,” he said, his hands on his shoulders reassuringly. “I’m here with you for good, now.” Getting up, he took the boy’s hand as he followed him out of the coliseum. You slowly got up, not wanting to directly follow them, but trailing behind a bit to see where they would go. You just wanted to make sure the boy got to wherever he was going safely.

As the pair neared the exit, you noticed that the rain had stopped, and the sun was beginning to set as the sky shone a vivid orange. The two people walked in front of you, and stopped as they reached the middle of the path leading out of the coliseum. 

As the  boy looked up at the sky in awe, you gasped as the man turned his head to look at you, a warm smile on his face. “Thank you for watching over him,” he said softly, his voice almost a whisper yet you could hear it from where you were standing.

Before you could respond, you were left speechless again as the two of them started to float in the air, their hands still intertwined as they rose. The clouds seemed to part on the sides of the sky, almost like they were two doors signaling their departure.

You stood there, at a loss for words as you watched them go higher and higher, until they seemed to vanish into thin air. You hadn’t noticed you were crying until you felt the tears roll down your cheeks, falling onto the ground below you. Wiping your eyes, you stood in the same spot for a few minutes, until you let out another gasp, gazing at the clouds.

You weren’t sure if you were just making things up at this point, but the clouds seemed to be perfect images of the faces of the spirits that you had just saw. Covering your face with your hand, you looked up at the sky. Rays of sunlight shone through the clouds, the beams of light filling your body with warmth. It was only now that you realized you had never responded to the man. A rainbow lingering above the clouds from the storm before, you smiled sadly, watching the clouds move slowly in the sky, tears starting to form in your eyes once more. “...You’re welcome.”

[shad0wcast]

angst 24 w smut 4 ?

A/N: Here it is! I just went with Joe, so I hope that’s okay. It’s waaay longer than I intended it to be but oh well. I hope you like it (it’s been a while since I’ve done this) ✨ Enjoy and thanks for requesting!

Word count: 906

Warnings: Slight angst, some swear words, implications of smut and mediocre writing 

“I thought I’d never see you again.” & “You’re so perfect. And I’m so fucking lucky.”

(gif by mazzelloplots )

It’s been 3 months. 3 months since he’s confessed his feelings to you. He’s your best friend and you definitely feel the same, but you didn’t want to ruin your friendship.

In the end, you did so anyway. You’ve been avoiding Joe for months now. It started with not answering his messages, until he stopped texting. Whenever you saw him on the streets, you got away as quickly as you could - any confrontation was too much for you. But why? You love him. Why is it so hard to just say that to him?

After a particularly rough day, you’re in need of comfort - Joe’s comfort. He’s the only one who can really understand you and help you feel better. And yet you’ve pushed him away.

“Can we talk?” you type on your phone, but you leave the message unsent for a few more hours. What would you even say to him? “Sorry for ignoring you after you took the courage to confess your feelings.”? “I feel the same about you but I’m too selfish to just confess”?

This is exactly why you’ve been avoiding this confrontation for so long. But you need him. You can’t do this any longer, and so you send the message.

You throw your phone onto the couch and draw yourself a bath, not wanting to stare at it until he replies. It’s just too much. What if he rejects you? It wouldn’t be too surprising after what you’ve put him through, but you hope he still wants to see you.

A long bath and a glass of wine later, you finally dare to pick up your phone. “My place, tomorrow evening.” is all he said. It’s pretty unusual for him give such short answers, but you take it. It’s more than you’ve given him up until this point.

You didn’t get much sleep that night, thinking about almost every possible outcome of tomorrow’s meet up with Joe.

The next day, time didn’t seem to pass at all, but you tried to distract yourself as good as you could.

When it is finally time to get going, you send a quick text to Joe, indicating that you would be there soon. For some reason it didn’t feel right to just show up, even though you’ve done it countless times before.

A million thoughts ran through your mind when you knocked on his door, but as soon as he opened it and looked into your eyes, they were all gone. All you could think about was the hurt you could see in his eyes and it broke your heart.

“I thought I’d never see you again” he said after a moment of silence, scratching the back of his neck. He was just as nervous as you.

The two of you settle down on the sofa, but neither of you knew how to start talking about the elephant in the room.

“I’m so sorry, Joe” you started, barely audible. “There’s probably nothing I can do to make up for my behaviour, but I just wanted to ask you to forgive me” you continue, “it’s been tough without you and I know that I was the one that fucked up but I really need you. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish. You’re the only one I need and I pushed you away.”

“Y/N”, Joe interrupts, but you didn’t hear him and continue your rant. “I’m so sorry for hurting you like this, please forgive me.”

At this point you were crying, but you haven’t noticed. “Y/N!” he cuts you off once again, louder this time. For the first time since he opened the door for you, you look him in the eyes again. He still looked hurt, but also relieved -  at least you hoped that’s what it is. “You’re rambling, Y/N. But thank you for apologizing. You don’t have to make up for anything, I’m just glad you’re back” was all he said, before pulling you into a tight hug. You feel like the heaviest weigh has been lifted off your shoulders, but there still a confession you had to make. “Joe? There’s one last thing you should know” you whisper into his ear and you can feel him shiver as you do. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for you to continue.

“I’m in love with you too” you say cautiously after a moment of gathering courage. Joe lets go of you and stares at you, but you can’t read his expression. Too fast for you to process, he pulls you into a passionate kiss. His lips are incredibly soft and you feel like you’re in heaven. “I can’t believe this is happening, Y/N” Joe mumbles hastily between the deeper growing kisses you share.

After making out on the sofa for a while, Joe picks you up and carries you to his bedroom. He’s looking at you with so much adoration, and you’re happy you decided to break the ice between the both of you.

Joe puts you gently down on his bed, breaking the kiss. “Are you comfortable with this? Should we stop here?” he questions you, nervousness apparent in his voice. “This is all I ever wanted. Please don’t stop now” you whimper before pulling him back down to you. “You’re so perfect. And I’m so fucking lucky” Joe replies before taking off his shirt and coming back to hover over your figure.

[neganandblake]

I think I liked you better when you didn’t have a knife in your hand, Peaches... Chapter 187- Poison

When Blake finds herself sold out to the Saviours by her abusive fiancé, she realises that she’s certainly not on her own anymore and finds an unlikely friend in Negan. And Negan does NOT like men who beat their girlfriends, one tiny bit…. 

MASTERLIST

Chapter 187 - Poison

[When Rick arrives at the Sanctuary to find Carl,  discussions about the future of the two communities don’t go as smoothly as Negan might have liked...ANGST/VIOLENCE]

It was late now, the sky outside darkened.

But around the Sanctuary the usual spotlights illuminated the shadowy lots surrounding the large compound, casting a light on everything inside them.

And tonight, this included Rick Grimes.

Negan sucked on his teeth as he stood in the doorway that led out into the lot beside Simon, who had his thumbs hooked through his belt loops, surveying the situation.

"Want us to bring him inside, Boss? Lock him up?" asked the mustachioed man.

But Negan just continued to stare at Rick, who just stood there, alone and obviously angry, beside a dusty maroon sedan.

Numerous Saviours of all shapes and sizes surrounded him, guns all trained in his direction, despite the fact that he had nothing more on him that a large hunting knife at his belt.

"NEGAN!" he bellowed loudly, his eyes searching the space before him as well as they could against the spotlights that blinded him.

Negan had to admit, he had a lot of respect for him coming here, seemingly alone. And why? To get his goddamn son back?

But Negan know for a fact that if this was the other way around, and if Blake or Beansprout were in danger, that he would do exactly the same thing. Come to an enemy camp unarmed, because that was what he needed to do. Because they were the most important thing to him in this entire goddamn world.

The dark haired man gave a sigh, his mind quickly flitting over both Blake and Carl's words.

Perhaps he and Rick weren't that different after all.

And maybe...just maybe things COULD change.

"No," said Negan dragging hand down his bearded chin, finally answering the man at his side. "Let's go have a little talk to ol' Ricky-boy. See what's he got to say."

Negan re-adjusted his grip on the baseball bat in his hand.

"Oh an' go fetch his damn firstborn an' that other gal," Negan added, earning himself a frowning look from Simon.

"But, Boss-" the man at his side said in incredulous voice.

But Negan merely shot Simon down with a scowl.

"You really wanna argue with me, Simon?" asked Negan sucking hard at his teeth. "'Cause I can easily swap you out for one of those biters on that damn fence over there, if that's what you want?"

Simon offered Negan a look of pure loathing for a short moment, before this swiftly faded with a gulp. "No," he replied in a quiet voice, before turning on his heel and heading back inside without another word.

Negan's eyes followed his insubordinate right-hand man for a moment, before his gaze finally drifted back out toward the lot, and back to the person that had drawn the attention of most of his best men and women.

Shit. Just by this asshole fucking being here, Negan could feel his own reigns on this place slipping away.

Simon had always been a backstabbing piece of shit. But all it would fucking take would be one of these assholes to presume that Negan's hold on this place was slipping, and that would be it.

And sure Negan could handle it, put whatever asshole stepped out of line back in his place with the iron or similar. But something like that was the start of a very very fucking slippery slope.

The dark haired leader lifted a gloved hand, dragging it down his tired and lined face.

He knew what he fucing had to do.

And so, clenching his jaw and tightening his grip on the baseball bat in his hand, Negan took a step out into the lot, his boots scuffing the dusty ground as he went.

"Well, well well," he purred, puffing out his chest and putting on a goddamn show. Just how these motherfuckers expected him to. "Look what the cat dragged in."

He saw Rick shield his eyes from the light before spotting Negan, who stepped through his men, and onto the floodlit asphalt.

From here Negan could see the sweat clinging to Rick's brow and the look of pure hatred etched onto his features.

"Where is he?" Rick snarled.

But Negan merely smiled that arrogant smile of his and leaned back against his long legs, tutting.

"Well if it isn't Ol' Papa Grimes, come to pick up his kids from their first slumber party," Negan uttered in a simpering voice, doing his best to rile up Rick. "I would say I've been a good influence, but that would be a fuckin' lie. So I did what any normal babysitter would do an' let them stay up waaay too late watchin' horror movies, got them hopped up on too much sugar-"

But Negan hadn't even finished his sentence before Rick snapped across him.

"I said, where is he?" he yelled hoarsely, glaring at the Saviour.

Shit. Negan knew the guy had fuckin' balls, but hadn't quite realised until this very moment just how goddamn big they were.

Negan leaned back against his legs again and eyed Rick, swivelling on his booted heel to face him.

"That really how this is gonna be, Rick?" taunted Negan, narrowing his dark eyes. "You come all the way here an' you don' even want the goddamn tour?"

But again, it was obvious that Rick was not in the mood to be messed with.

"Where is Carl?" he hissed, taking a sudden step toward Negan, as the clicks of guns sounded all around him. "I swear to god, Negan, if you've hurt him in any way-"

But Negan gave a dark frown at this, his eyes flashing dangerously.

The air around them all seemed to go terrible still..

"Well shit, you really think that fuckin' little of me, Rick? You think that I'd mess with your family?" Negan's lips curled. "Even despite the damn fact that one of your asshole people were willin' to hurt mine…."

If looks could kill then Rick would have been dead on the ground, for Negan looked livid at this very moment.

But the dark-haired Saviour gave a hard swallow, softening a little, his mind settling on Blake and Mia.

Shit. He was doing this for them. Even if it was taking all he had to swallow his damn pride to do so.

"So, what? You trekked your ass all the way here to pick up your firstborn, despite the fact that he chose to come here. I mean, fuck, Rick. Carl ain't a kid no more and I sure as hell imagine that he won't appreciate you comin' here to drag his ass back home."

But Rick narrowed his eyes at this, letting out what Negan could only describe as a smirk, shuffling back and forth from foot-to-foot.

"Call it a father's prerogative," said Rick in a low drawl, eyeing Negan. "Not that you'd understand that."

Negan breathed hard.

Was that supposed to be some kind of dig at what had happened? Some sly insult about Negan and Blake losing their unborn child?

But Negan barely had a moment to comprehend this when their came a loud clanging of the door just over his shoulder and he turned to see both Carl and Tara, being dragged by Simon and Laura, out into the darkened lot.

"CARL," Rick exclaimed suddenly at the sight, his voice hoarse and urgent sounding, taking a step forward, but stopping suddenly as guns were pressed towards him all around.

Both Carl and the woman blinked for a moment, adjusting their eyes to the spotlights above their heads, before frowning hard, as though unable to believe that Rick was really standing here in front of them.

"D-Dad?!" mumbled Carl, letting a gulp trail down his pale throat. "Dad...w-what are you doing here?

Carl sounded almost exasperated at the sight of his father here, and as Negan had predicted, sounding almost embarrassed that he had come here, to what? Reign in his independence, yet again?

Shit, even Negan could see how intelligent the kid was. How goddamn strong.

All the kid had wanted was to make this hellscape of a world into something better for the people he loved. Just like Negan had always strived to do for his own people here at the Sanctuary.

"I've come to take you both home...with me…" said Rick firmly, clenching both his fists at his sides. "You shouldn't have come here Carl. And Tara you should have known better, what the hell were you thinkin'?"

But Carl instantly shook his head, tugging himself irritably from Simon's grasp and taking a single step towards his father.

"I just came here to talk, Dad," he said with a resigned sadness to his voice. "You...and Negan-"

He looked to the dark-haired man, who clenched his jaw.

"-I just wanted you both to see that all this fighting...people getting killed...that there's another way…."

"Carl-"

Rick began with a warning look.

But this time it was Tara's turn to cut across the Alexandrian leader.

"For fuck's sake, Rick," Tara said starkly, throwing her arms up either side of her head in exasperation. "Can't you just listen for once. We're trying to stop this war-"

"Stay out of this, Tara!" snapped Rick. "Carl, come on. We're leavin'."

But at this, Negan sucked on his teeth, arching back against his knees.

"Hold your damn horses there, Rick," he muttered, uttering the leaders name with contempt in his voice, his chin lowered. "Who says I'm gonna let you jus' walk outta here."

Another hash silence clung to the air at Negan's word.

But eventually he spoke again, giving a sniff.

"If the kid wants us to talk so badly," Negan said carefully, not wanting to sound like this was a surrender or a weakness of any sort. "Maybe we should talk…"

Negan felt all eyes on him suddenly, a thing he was used to, but after years of not listening to pleas' or any sort of willingness to hear anyone out, he could see that his men were surprised by this. None of them said anything, of course, but it was all in the looks they were giving him, shock...worry….anger in some cases…

But Negan gave another sniff and avoided everyone's eyes, keeping his own fixed on Rick, who at once shook his head.

"I'm not talking to you," he spat with revulsion in his voice, once again shuffling his weight between his feet like a pacing hound. "Me, Carl an' Tara. We're gonna walk outta here. Go back home-"

Rick was really fucking trying Negan's patience here, but Negan sucked in a steadying breath through his nose.

This was all for Blake.

He was doing this for her.

For his damn family.

He would be the bigger man here.

"You really gonna fuckin' argue with me?" Negan said loudly, pacing forwards on his long legs, until he was just a foot or two away from Rick. "'Cause from where I'm standin', Rick. You don' really have a choice!"

It was true. The Alexandrian leader was mightily outnumbered and the stupid fuck couldn't see that if he just bent his knee and agreed to go with Negan he would be better off for it.

But Rick just stood his ground, squinting directly into Negan's face, sweat beading at his brow.

"Dad, please, just listen to someone else for once. This doesn't have to end in fighting or you or anyone else getting killed for your pride," said Carl, stepping away from Tara and Simon and into the circle of armed men that surrounded his father and Negan.

"I'd listen to your fuckin' kid if I were you, Rick," Negan murmured warningly. "It seems like he's talkin' a lot more sense than his old-man in this goddamn instance."

Negan saw Rick immediately shoot Carl a look of anger.

"Carl, I know you're jus' tryin' to help, but you don't know what you're talking about," Rick yelled, ignoring Negan's words.

But this only caused Negan's frown to deepen.

"Hell, I'd fuckin' say he's a lot more clued up on shit than you are, Rick," uttered Negan a little defensively, a growl forming in his throat. "Maybe, jus' maybe, you should start respectin' your kid a bit more. Quit treatin' him like he don' know shit. 'Cause Carl over there, knows a hell of a lot more about this goddamn world than your sorry fuckin' narrow mind could understand. If he were my kid...well, I'd least give him the chance to fucking speak once in a while. Hear him the fuck out!"

There was long a pause before Rick's eyes slowly travelled back to Negan's, a look of utter sneering hatred plastering themselves onto his features.

"Well he's not your kid, he's mine," Rick snarled, baring his teeth at Negan now. "An' you know what?"

There was another long pause where Negan could only stare down at the man before him.

"People like you…" Rick continued, letting the despicable words hiss from his mouth. "People like you don't deserve a family….they don't deserve kids….'cause you're all poison."

Negan glared at Rick feeling his heart thudding in his chest, the sound growing ever louder in his ears, deafening him.

All sound bar that seemed to disappear now, all the people around them too slipping into nothingness.

For now there was only Negan, and Rick, and the Alexandrians words, repeating over and over in Negan's head.

Negan wanted to shout, yell, tear Rick's fucking face off, but for some reason he stood there, seething, rooted to the ground, the only thing moving being the twitch in his cheek and his fingers tightening around the handle of Lucille.

But instead of Negan being the first one to speak, breaking through the utter silence of the moment, there instead came another voice from just behind Negan's shoulder.

"People like us?" came the voice, oh-so familiar sounding, and at that moment, full of utter sadness and hurt.

Negan looked around to see Blake, dressed in black jeans and an oversized blue sweater, long blonde hair down across her shoulders, the damp ends fluttering slightly in the cool night's air.

The crowd of Saviours parted slightly as she stepped through them, tearful eyes fixed on Rick in pained disbelief at his words.

Negan should have known she would come out here.

He knew that as much as he wanted to protect her, she had a will of her own.

She was survivor, just like all of these people, and when she was determined to do something, there was no stopping her.

No one said a word, tension clinging to the air like a heavy blanket. Everyone seemingly holding their breaths.

For everyone here, bar maybe Rick, knew about what had happened to her, what had happened to both of them.

Blake losing her baby, well that had hit their entire community hard. Everyone had mourned. Everyone had felt the loss...

Negan stared at her now, watching as she approached them both, green water-filled eyes still fixed to the Alexandrian leader.

And even Negan almost had hope that for a moment, the Rick the Prick would take back his words, apologise...prove to them both that things could be better again.

But Negan should have known better…

"You heard me," Rick uttered poisonously. "People like you don' deserve a family. You don' deserve to bring kids into this world...an you never will."

Suddenly, before anyone could utter even another syllable, there was a flash of metal…

And there Blake was, tears streaked down her cheeks...and the barrel of her gun pressed to Rick's forehead.

"Say it again," she sobbed out. "S-Say it again."

Negan noticed her trembling finger tensing around the trigger as she waited for Rick's reply.

And right now, Negan had her back all the way. She could do what she liked with this asshole.

They were done with trying to reason with a prick like this. Done with trying to make him see the fucking light.

"Please, Blake," came Carl's sudden voice from behind them. "Dont do this."

And for a long moment if looked as though Blake was going to ignore him. Like she was going to pull that trigger and end everything…

But after a moment or two she wrinkled her nose and tore the gun away sobbing hard and wiping her face on the sleeve of her sweater.

"I'm done," she said after a second or two, standing up straight again and giving an over exaggerated shrug, raising her arms aloft, looking at Carl and Tara now. "I'm done helping you. You heard him. You heard what he's said...w-what he said to us. He's never going to change!"

She turned and looked to Negan now.

"And you know what?" she said her voice far lower now, giving a nod as he eyes met with his. "Neither are we."

And Negan could see, just by the look in her eyes, that she truly was done with all this. Done with trying to forge a better world with these people.

"You were right," she said to Negan, moving toward him now and giving her head a shake, causing tears to spill from her cheeks and land of the asphalt below. "Its them and us, and that's never gonna change. We've gotta look out for ourselves. No one else."

And Negan wasn't about to argue with that. For this was all he had wanted.

To make sure Blake and Mia were safe and loved. And if that meant assholes like Rick and his people, were kept in their place, then so be it.

Negan gave a firm nod, conveying to her that he understood completely.

"Please, Blake. T-This can't be it," came Tara's begging voice from across the lot. "This can't be over?!"

And Negan, understanding that there had obviously been a bond between Blake and the dark haired woman, was surprised when Blake turned back towards her, a cold look etched across her tear-strewn face.

"Well it is," Blake uttered in an icy voice, that drifted across the lot with the breeze.

And with that, Negan felt Blake reach out and entwine her free hand with his, securely, warmly…

There was no denying now, that he was hers and she was his. She was his queen and nothing in this world was ever gonna fucking change that.

Blake's eyes drifted to Rick now, glaring at him with anger in her gaze.

"You called us poison?" she said in a steady voice, bringing herself up to her full height and staring Rick directly in the face. "Look at you, Rick. It's YOU that's poison. YOU that can't just be happy with your place in the world. YOU that can't see that other people have struggled. That other people have lost things. No. You stand there high and fuckin mighty on your pedestal looking down on everyone else. Not able to even see that your way isn't the only way. But I'm done trying to fight for you, trying to stop this war. Because if anyone deserves to lose..to be put in their place…."

Blake took a step forward until she and the brown-haired man were nose to nose.

"...it's you, Rick."

Blake held herself there for a moment before pulling back with distaste.

"Just go," she said looking again to Carl and Tara with a sniff. "I don't ever want to see any of you again if I can help it," she shook her head. "There is no perfect world. I think we all know that by now. But let it be known that WE were the ones who tried."

And with that Blake turned back to Negan.

He caught her lip tremble for a moment before she tilted her head to the side.

"Can we go back inside now?" she asked in a soft voice. "Please."

And Negan in that moment understood that she wanted just what he did. To be at home, at the Sanctuary, where they could live and prosper, even if that meant that they constantly needed to strive to be on top. Needed to fight for it. To be the Saviours. The winners.

Because she was right.

There was only them and us now.

Negan gave a nod, giving her hand that was clutched within his, a small squeeze, and licking at his lips.

"Course we can, Darlin'," Negan hummed, as he lifted his dark eyes across the lot to his lieutenants.

"Laura," he said loudly. "Escort these assholes outta here. Ditch em' by the side of the road for all I care. Jus' get them the fuck outta my sight."

Laura nodded as Negan turned to Rick, leaning into him intimidatingly, and lifting Lucille to the underside of the man's chin.

"Know that the only reason I'm lettin' you go is for her. Oh an' Rick, when it comes to takin' my share from you and your damn people, next time I come to you….I'm gonna take every single thing you have," Negan growled in a hard tone, causing Rick to flinch slightly as Negan snatched away his wire covered-bat, stood up staright and turned on his booted heel.

But he should have known that Rick was stupid enough to try and get in the last word...

"You were never one of us, Blake," Rick spat, spittle flying from his mouth as he snarled out the words. "I should never have taken you in. Never trusted you. Because you're one of them, always have been. An' in the end….you're gonna die like one of them too…"

There was a pause, brief and silent, before...

THWACK

But the sound was no Lucille this time.

Instead it was the sound of a clenched fist colliding squarely with a jaw.

Negan was livid.

Furious.

And in at that moment he saw red quicker than he had ever seen red in his life.

He punched Rick, flooring him instantly, taking him by surprise, but just kept on punching, kneeling over him taking swing after swing at his face.

"DON'T YOU EVER. FUCKIN'. THREATEN. HER!" he bellowed, bearded face twisted into a furious expression.

Suddenly Carl and Tara were there, trying as best they could to stop him, but Negan pushed Tara aside with a shove of his arm sending her sprawling to the ground beside them.

Carl however, was much quicker, pushing Negan back and placing himself in between him and his bloodied father.

"PLEASE!" He cied holding up his hands in defeat, staring at Negan, his breathing as ragged as the dark-haired Saviour's.

And Negan, despite how much he wanted to get back to beating the holy hell out of Rick, did in fact stop, seeing not Carl in front of him now, but his own unborn child, grown up, a teenager, pleading with him.

Negan gave a hard swallow and after a long moment or two, got to his feet, shaking slightly and staring down at his bloody knuckles.

Lucille lay abandoned at their side, but he made no attempt to pick her up now, instead all he wanted to focus on was her…

Blake.

She looked at him worriedly, tears in her beautiful green eyes again, trying as hard as she could to stop her lip quivering. But she was strong. And she took control now, nodding to Laura, who had stopped half way across the lot when Negan had attacked, and gestured for her to stick to Negan's original plan...for her to get Rick and Carl and Tara out of here.

Negan stared at her as she returned her gaze to him.

As long as he had her, he didn't need anything else. And he was damned if he was ever EVER gonna let Rick get his way.

Negan was gonna make sure she survived all this. Mia too. And he would do whatever he had to, to make sure of that.

"Come on," he murmured, taking her hand firmly in his bloodied one.

And with that, without another word, Negan led her inside, not looking back…even once...

...hoping to god, for their fucking sakes, that he didn't lay eyes on the Alexandrians again for a long, long time.

------------------------------------------------

Was that ok? It’s been so long since I’ve updated I’m not even sure if you guys are still interested in reading?

If you want more, please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Feedback would be amazing!

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[detroitbecomehummus]

Hi! Could I please request a Markus x human reader? A little bit of angst at first and then fluff? Maybe they're having their very first argument/fight an neither one of them likes it. They sort it all out and it ends up making their relationship stronger. I think you should decide what the argument should be about. >.

I’m waaay too nice to do angst, I needed to look up some ideas cuz I was really tempted to try and only do fluff because Markus deserves best.Hope this is alright.On a side note: I love you - - - - - - - - - -  - - - - - -

For the past handful of weeks you’ve been staying back at work later and later. You keep mentioning how you’re staying back to work with ‘Ethan’. There was always an excuse why you weren’t able to do anything when he was available. It always involved ‘Ethan’ and work one way or another.  With each work day you stayed back later and later. Some nights you didn’t return home and stayed at Ethan’s as his place was closer to your work.

Markus couldn’t visit you or pick you up after work like he used to as you told him not to. All he wanted to do was sit down and talk to you. He just wanted to relax. He just wanted to stop for at least five minutes. He pre-constructed many variations of how he should talk to you they all seemed to end badly. Markus paced back and forth around the lounge room. He noticed how his core temperature raised to almost double the normal temperature.

The door jiggled then he heard someone sigh and a thump on the door. You must be home. Markus took large steps to the door and opened it for you.“You’re home.” Markus said in an almost surprised tone. You looked at Markus tiredly yet you smiled.“It’s so good to see you.” You walked inside your home and closed the door walking towards your bedroom. “I never want to go to work again.” Markus walked behind you figuring out whether or not he should question your whereabouts with Ethan. You disrobed your works clothes and just flopped onto the bed with a sigh of satisfactions.

“Will…will you be needing to see Ethan tomorrow?” He asked hesitantly.“Only if he calls.” You said with a big yawn at the end. You were beyond exhausted and Markus didn’t even need to scan you, the bags under your eyes told him everything.“If he calls, you’re gone?” It sounded like you would drop everything to be with Ethan. You rolled over onto your back and stared at the cieling.“Yeah, kind of have to be. He’s done the same for me.”“Oh…” You were too tired to pick up the dejected tone from your boyfriend. Markus watched as your eyelids slowly fell as you let your much needed sleep consume you. Markus adjusted you so you were on your side of the bed and he tucked you in and he hoped in on the other side. As much as he didn’t require sleep like you did, he enjoyed the intimacy of the activity.They were only moment that the both of you know and can remember.

It was 9:30 in the morning when your phone rang. You practically chucked your arm onto the bedside table grabbed it and checked who it was. You groaned very loudly into the pillow before answering.“Hey Ethan, what’s up?“ Oh, it’s him. Of course. “When do you- ten o’clock, okay. Give me thirty. See you then.” You sat up and glared at the wall.“How long will you be gone for?”“I don’t know.” You shrugged almost sadly.“Is it just going to be you and Ethan?”“Yep.”“Will you be coming home?”“Hopefully.” You were worried at how Markus was pushing for questions. He usually just left at ‘How long will you been gone for?’. “Is something wrong?” Markus wasn’t even looking at you. “Markus?”

You watched Markus as he stared off into the distance, you couldn’t read him at all. You’ve watched over the past few months how much Markus has changed and opened up. He often talks about the artist he used to take care of in a fond matter, he has yet to take you to meet Carl. Now he seems almost as closed off as he was when you first met him.“Is this about all the time I’ve spent with Ethan?” You asked gently. You waited a few moments and got no response. “Markus sweety, it’s purely business matters.” You moved to sit beside him and rubbed his back soothingly.“If it’s business matters as you say, why are you spending so much time together? You work late every day, and spend most of the weekend with him.” Markus listed off the most likely things that could be why you’re spending so much time away.

“Recently Ethan was offered the job as CEO. I won’t get into the nitty gritty, but we need to re-organize the staff. Fire the pointless and look to hire new staff as well as take in some interns. Also the old CEO used some of the company’s money for personal expenses rather than expanding. I’m trying to help him as much and as quickly as possible so that way he can spend more time with Diana and their two-month old daughter. They have yet to have their honeymoon.” You just started to ramble and ramble. Something you did when you were nervous or really tired. As you kept listing off everything as to why you haven’t been around much it made more and more sense and Markus just started to feel like an idiot. “You know what, I’ll call Ethan and cancel.” You grabbed you phone and went to call Ethan back but Markus took your phone before your could dial.“Don’t, you should go.” Apparently Markus has been watching too many drama shows as he’s mastered the sad puppy look.“Nuh-uh. I’m staying home with you. Besides, it’s been weeks since I had your waffles and I am in desperate need of waffles.” Markus rolled his eyes, you’ve made you decision he can’t stop you. Besides you’ve already put one foot in his face and another on his chest so he couldn’t stop you.

You sat on the island bench swinging your legs eagerly as Markus cooked away and prepared a variety of toppings.“Oh that reminds me! Ethan wanted to know what insurance company would be best for androids. We’ve look through all the details on way too many companies and they’re really shit. Some only offer second-hand parts. Also some insurance companies only provide for the latest models.”“You’re hiring androids?” Markus actually sounded surprised at the comment.“Of course! Lots of androids are jobless, also so many of them actually show interest in the industry.” Markus smiled and gave you your much desired waffles breakfast. Just as you were about to put a piece in your mouth Markus kissed you. Just as the utensils were about to fall out of your hands he parted from the kiss.“I’m sorry about earlier, I love you.”

[queeranarchist]

uhhh every 5th q for the ask meme?

:O

5) What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

uhhh first time i remember was when I cut my hair off - for an SPN Lucifer cosplay of all things - and was like hell yeah I look like a dude! Radical! and then was like oh that is not a very CisThought™️

10) What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

you know i bought a pretty expensive packer and it was waaay too large despite being one of the smaller ones of that model - this was apparently a problem a lot of guys had and their were videos on how to cut it to make it fit but it cost a lot and i was too worried about ruining it - anyway i moved house three and a half times in six months and my stuff is currently in between two houses and I have No Idea where it is and in the back of my mind there is the constant fear that someone will find that dick 

15) What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

i’ve used pretty much every label sexuality wise bc attraction is weird. gender wise i ided as a trans man until last yearish and now im just like im queer in all senses

20) What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

prooobably a lot of gender abolitionist stuff like meets past self and just holds a reading group of Nobody Passes by Matt Sycamore - like i hate the transmed/truscum view point but i see that a lot of it is pushed by 15 year old trans guys and the whole wanting to be cis/as close to cis as possible and you can have pride in being LGB but not in being trans thing is pretty much how i experienced gender until last year where i was like time to make the Conscious effort to rework my thoughts, i didnt end up in the dysphoria discourse largely bc it wasnt a big thing when i first realised i was trans (lmao no trans issues were big things at that point) - in general i’d want to get myself to work on a more intersectional approach in terms of understanding that the gender binary is a western colonialist construct and that capitalism pushes queerphobia by wanting to minamalise community reliance and further their profit by pushing a nuclear child producing way of structuring relationships - basically get little me to turn all that angst and anger @ the system

25) What do you wish cis people understood?

that they arent the end goal, i detest the view they have that trans people should be glad to be told that they look like a “”””real”””” women/man - also that they dont need to understand, i dont give a flying fuck if they dont get how someone can identify differently to their assigned gender/be nonbinary/have a gender that changes, just use the right pronouns and name and be ya’know a decent person - and! that they dont need to know what “makes” someone trans and that that line of thinking veers dangerously towards eugenics

30) Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

ahhh good question - i realised i was trans in a pre Caitlyn Jenner pre Orange is the New Black era so a lot of it was just me figuring out shit on my own - which gotta say wasnt necessarily a bad thing bc more visibility has also lead to more bulshit

I would probably say Matt Sycamore - the first book i read that was edited by her was Why are Faggots so Afraid of Faggots and like the queer radicalism and like anarchy from that helped me figure out and voice some of my disquiet with queer assimilation stuff and also the big We Won the marriage campaign queer stuff is Done mood that was 2017 after Australia’s same sex marriage plebiscite. her book Nobody Passes which focuses purely on gender stuff also follows a similar vein and its very very good

35) How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

outside of queer stuff i fit into a pretty privileged life, defs gonna say class played a major noticeable role in being able to get hormones despite having to go through a whole court process (pretty sure the government being the Worst to baby me is what made me an anarchist) and get top surgery pretty quickly once out of high school, my whiteness also provides a certain protection when you see the much higher rates of violence at trans POC, and I'm also able to access queer events and spaces without having to consider accessibility etc

40) How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

mmmm honestly at the time it was the worst and looking back on it i am still very angry and bitter at both my school and, you know, the government in general

i did the whole im trans use the right name and pronouns @ the school people (with my parents there so they couldnt use that as an excuse) about nine months before they started doing so AND this was also after my parents flat out ignoring that I was trans for months before that and i did not uuhhh deal well with any of that mentally At All. my school was pretty much like yll be bullied we cant as if every kid i interacted with didnt already know - and when they eventually did it wasnt a big deal with kids - i only heard second hand about some shit that was said about me which gotta admit was kinda laughable bc i had people i barely knew tell me what people in my grade had said and i was like….dont know who that is but Okay - i was too out of the gossip loop to have anything to be upset about 😂 also i had two (2) teachers in the entire school that used the correct pronouns despite me fully out for near three years by the time i left school tho i didnt actually recognise how bad that was for me until i left high school and was like ???? dont want to die all the time ?? what is this

medically was also bulshit bc the australian system used to have anyone under 18 have to go through court to get HRT, it took me nearly three years and was incredibly fucked and even tho the laws been changed now i am still ready to throw down with whoever implemented it in the first place even tho their probably old and close to death themselves

ANYWAY in terms of providing a better answer than i didnt and was v sad and angry for a v long time - i surrounded myself with queer people, i ventured into the city for some youth queer groups, went to a camp purely for young queer people, read a lot of books about trans people etc 

Ask me questions ~

http://queeranarchist.tumblr.com/post/183686207345/datgenderqueerboi-trans-ask-game-what-has