#(idk if any queerstakers are active that follow me etc lately but uhh yeah I'll gladly take advice)

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

been a while since i’ve talked about like Religion here (tbh i rarely use this for my vent poetry cuz logging in etc takes energy and i have negative levels of it) but... i’m getting really annoyed with like- the sudden Kind Acts, i never was active in the ward (only ever went to things etc because I was Forced or guilted into it) so obviously even when I was at things, I kept to myself and soaked in my mental health issues etc wasn’t “present” or trying to form connections as the person I couldn’t pretend to be... maybe last went to literally anything way back in 2018 and blissfully for the past few years thought “Oh hey maybe I didn’t leave an impression and won’t be hassled by people I have no interest in” ..... Except then I get a nice little cutesy, girly notebook/message from relief society for my birthday this summer like- it was Jarring like i appreciate it being an Kind Act, but obviously that was rife with a heavy dose of misgendering/my stupid deadname plus so out of nowhere.... it reminded me of good traumatizing memories etc... so for example this recent case of getting an nice little note from some member of the ward was sweet but has me wanting to move even more than i need to. it was addressed to my deadname, a possibly very nice woman like ‘hi i’m your ministering sister i live nearby, here’s my address and phone number if you need anything’ and i’m just like.... that’s Never going to happen because i have severe anxiety, i’m not that name and literally haven’t kept up to date with anything churchy in ages for many reasons (religious but in a weird limbo status lmao) .... all this to say, i don’t want to but at this point would it just be easiest to sit down with whoever- whatever stranger is the bishop and be like “Hi yes, please remove me from lists? or whatever because I have never really been active in this ward nor will I be.” I associate the ward with trauma, any impressions are false ones because I wasn’t exactly allowed to be myself....there is no way i’m going to be active in a space i don’t belong in; and it’ll always probably hurt to not quite “belong” in where I’d want to be.... overall it’s just like i’d like the sudden spontaneous doses of sharp pains, in the wrong name and it all to stop- i don’t know why it started up but i am so over it. that building carries trauma memories, the ward and I never intend to participate or attend anything (hell i am so past the need and desire to move away in general/actually live as Me) besides they shouldn’t really even think to bother either/it just is a waste of their time and like shoving glass into my palms for me.