#(i was already sad i did it intentionally knowing i'd make myself More sad)

[rainbow-arrow]

uh oh!!! spent too much time comparing fic stats!!! made myself sad!!!!

[absolutebl]

Hey! Your bl recs are great! Do you have any in which the couple is already together from the beginning? Sort of like Don't Say No in which they start dating in the first ep already. (It can be gls and qls of any sort you find good)

Sure thing, you want a BL without a meat cute? Or meat cute only as a flash back? There are more sides that do this than mains (like in Wandee Goodday right now) but I will give it a shot:

BLs Where the Main Couple is ALREADY in a ROMANTIC Relationship

(you didn't specify these had to be good shows)

My Personal Weatherman

Just Friends?

HIStory Obsessed

Dark Blue Kiss (technically these 2 started as sides exactly like LeoFiat)

Cutie Pie

Naughty Babe

Papa and Daddy

Don't Say No

Ai no Kotodama (2008)

What Did You Eat Yesterday?

My Monster in Law (non ending)

Peach of Time (sad)

Confidential Coffee Break

Close Friend 2

Two Weddings and a Funeral

Bad Romance

Tien Bromance EXTRA (some of them)

Jack O'Frost

Love Place: Shiawase no Katachi (AKA Shape of Happiness 2)

Second Seasons that I argue by your metrics might qualify

Look Don't Say No is kinda a second season, after all we did see their relationship start as a side couple so...

We Best Love: Fighting Mr. 2nd

SOTUS S

Still 2gether

Any of the Our Skyy

My Beautiful Man 2

To My Star 2: Our Untold Stories

Make it Right 2

Summerdaze Christmas Together

Takumi-kun 2: Rainbow Colored Glass

Irresistible Love 2 AKA Uncontrolled Love

Gen Y 2

Magic of Zero: Zero Supporter

Papa and Daddy 2

Minato's Laundromat Season 2

Like Live 2

Ossan's Love redux-multitudes

I think there are a few Vietnamese ones that should be here too.

I'm not really wild about second seasons myself.

I dithered a lot:

My Only 12% - look one half basically assumed they were dating all along

Absolute Zero - it's very timey wimey

Two Worlds - same but different

SCI Mystery - they married, everyone except China knows this

I left out anything that edged into reunion romance like Tokyo in April is or too much more Friends to Lovers like Living With Him.

I stopped at things I'd rated lower that a 5 partly because I can't remember those ones intentionally and this isn't a trope I track so my memory is involved with this process.

[thedinanshiral]

After the reveal

Cinematic trailer and gameplay reveal already out of the way, now we wait. What's a few months after ten long, painful years? Sure, i can wait some more, and now i'll do it more gladly than ever.

There's not much i could add to what everyone is talking about, so this will be a post of personal impressions.

Cinematic trailer: while i admit i was not liking it much at first, and yes i did compare it to Fortnite, i immediately went to watch DAI's cinematic trailer because i remembered it looked kinda funny too. And then i remembered DAO's awful, truly awful trailers and i felt my worries washed away by the waves of "It'll be ok" Beach. Cinematic trailers should be taken as what they are, a basic look into the game, not its final version -unless it's stated as such in the trailer itself-. I saw people not liking the characters' presentation cards but i think they were ok, as we have new factions and all. That's all it was, a quick look at new companions and locations. But as always some people went rabid over it like an undertaker eager to put six-feet worth of dirt on your face. As they've been doing for the past decade and even before that, for which i have a Zero Tolerance Policy. As for the music, while i do like Bowie i'm not a fan of that version of Heroes, and in my heart nothing beats DAI's Into the darkness as a trailer song but after the dust settled that's really my only real complaint.

Gameplay reveal: I'm glad it put most people at ease. I'm sad Varric couldn't succeed in convincing his old friend and that in the moment Solas decided destroying Bianca was the way to make him stop trying for good, that he was cruel intentionally to that end. I'm not sure how combat will feel like but i'll get used to it. I'm certainly not a fan of having to pause every two frames and i did enjoy combat in Mass Effect Andromeda so having only two companions tag along isn't exactly a new thing either. I'm a bit confused about the commands wheel screen, and how it works exactly. Location and ambience-wise i loved it all, i know they had to cut it short for the video but i hope we get a bit more freedom to explore the area. It's one thing to cut the scale down from The Hinterlands but i'd hate it for these new locales to feel like a shoebox. I'm curious to see if the tone indicators in the dialogue wheel will be like in DAI or more like in DA2, and i hope it's the latter because i need a Purple protagonist in my life again.

I rather wait until we know more, ideally until i get to play it myself, before i start weaving words about what was peaking through the rip in the Veil, about the ritual and all that sweet, sweet lore intoxication i'm gonna be getting.

What's coming: BW were kind enough to give us a bit of a schedule

Now armed with past experiences and my intuition, i'd like to explore possibilities. I've always thought the release date should be in November. It marks the 10th anniversary of Dragon Age Inquisition, and the 15th annoversary of Dragon Age Origins. On top of that, it's the year of the Dragon, and November is close enough to the holidays to bank on that as well. So i'm considering the possibility that after June 18th they give us a some days to process everything so far, and there's also the character creator reveal as well. And then by July i think they could start showing us a bit more with character trailers. With seven companions plus Rook i'd say one trailer per week is enough to make it to mid September. I Imagine a basic presentation of Rook in some of their variants, to reintroduce those origins people missed so much, the new factions, etc, could take over July and then the companions over August and September. Maybe we could get more official art or short stories sprinkled here and there too. After that i'd say a pre-order and release date would be great, giving everyone a month or so to get ready for a glorious November release right on time for my birthday.

Anyway that's all in my head, for now we have nothing beyond June 18th. I'm mostly waiting for a pre-order, of course a release date, and whether or not there'll be a Collector's edition or anythin like it so i can work my magic to get one.

[lovedistrict]

this is a follow-up ask. i was the one who lashed out at her boyfriend and told him "i hate you" out of anger and then regretted it. this is an update here.

so, we talked for a while, i apologized again in person, as sincerely as i could. he said he would forgive me, under 4 conditons:

i promise to never do that again (done)

go see a therapist about why i get angry easily (doing that, have an appointment booked for next week)

prove through my actions that i meant my apology (doing that, will try my best to do it)

get him a FUCK TON of noodles from that restaurant he likes (will hopefully do some time soon)

but, i still can't help but think: i fucking hate myself for it. i should be happy with the fact that he's even forgiven me (i'd expect someone like him to break up w/ me and then block my phone number, given his past experiences).

but i constantly feel like i ruined our relationship and broke his trust. someone said you always remember the bad things over the good ones.

i could say sorry to him 10 more times, i could tell him "i love you" every day, but he'd still probably remember that day. and he'd think "no, she's just pretending. she secretly hates me". but i really don't. not at all. he's the best fucking thing that happened to me. i've still been sad about it. ik there's people who have done worse than me to their partner, but i feel like the worst person on earth even now.

Ok. My opinion on this is firstly that he shouldn’t demand anything in order to forgive you. The only thing that one should actually demand (if so) it’s for the other one to be actually sorry for his/her actions. And ask for forgiveness. Even though sometimes we have to forgive people who don’t recognize their mistakes in order to free ourselves from them. But that’s not the case.

So let’s work on you. You did say I’m sorry a couple of times now. He’s made all these demands which you’re willing to do and you are already doing. The noodle part seemed like a joke, but even that one, you’re willing to make. What else does he want from you? Sorry but you’re being to hard on yourself. It was a mistake, I know, but that’s what we do. Sometimes we fuck things up and to be in a relationship you have to be resilient in a lot of ways. He’s probably frustrated because it reminded him of his last relationships so that shows that he also needs to work on that.

You can’t live your life afraid to messing up again. I’m sure he also messes up things sometimes because no one’s perfect.

And no. We shouldn’t remember the bad things over good ones. That’s such a shitty way of living haha.

So if I was in your shoes I’d have a conversation with him and ask him if he’s truly able to forgive me because I do feel bad about it but I don’t want to live my life as if I’m always on debt with him. You know? When we truly forgive someone, the pain should also be set free and disappear from our hearts. And we shouldn’t hold grudges. Especially in your case which wasn’t a life or death situation or anything really truly serious. So I’d figure out if he’s willing to forgive me or not. And if he wasn’t, I’d have to walk away.

That’s what I’d do.

Maybe this whole situation happened to help you guys. So the both of you can work on yourselves. Do therapy. Maybe since he’s been so hurt in the past, he cant deal with the fact that everybody’s gonna hurt us sometimes. So he pushes away and overreacts.

But that’s just the truth. Intentionally or not. That’s just life.

Hope I was able to help you!

[actuallysaiyan]

CONGRATULATIONS ON 1K FOLLOWERS! You deserve every single one of them and more! Can I participate in your event PLEASE? 🥺

Since you already did a match-up for me, I'll choose Android 17 as my character and here's all the info you need!

Name: Corethra (Corey for short)

MBTI Type: INFJ

Star Sign: Pisces

Venus Sign: Capricorn

Love Language: Acts Of Service

About Me: I have a tough, foul-mouthed, and sometimes mean front that hides my caring and kind nature. I have high standards for both myself and others and I refuse to lower them nor change for anyone. Accept me as I am or keep it moving. I'm also a bit territorial and I take relationships seriously. No casual flings or hook-ups here! I can come across as demanding and uncompromising but that's only because I want the same respect, passion, and undying loyalty that I'm willing to give my partner and I don't want to be abandoned or betrayed.

I haven't been on a date nor have I had a relationship (still a virgin too) so I'm not really sure about what I'd like to do on a date 😅 But I do enjoy going out to restaurants and playing video games so something involving gaming or food will do!

As for music genre/artist/band, I have a wide variety of music that I enjoy but my main genre is basically anything alternative or rock. My favorite band is Evanescence and my favorite artist is Ciara 😁

I think I'll ask for smut this time 😉

Your Song: At Last- Etta James Headcanons:

When you first met Android 17, he was still cold and distant. He liked you, but it was hard for him to open up to you and actually become your friend. He takes a long time to come to terms with what’s happened to him in life and you really help him see the beauty of life.

As you grow closer, Android 17 finds himself feeling things he thought he’d never feel again. You were becoming someone so important in his life and he found himself wanting to spend more time with you and he hates the way other people look at you. He doesn’t want anyone to ask you out or date you.

It was actually Krillin and his sister, Android 18, who were the ones that got you two together. They noticed how close you were to each other and Android 18 told her brother to ask you out on a date. He was very nervous about it, since he had developed a crush on you by this point.

The first date was awkward, but you both had a wonderful time. Android 17 brought you to a very nice restaurant and though you both were nervous, it felt nice to finally have some alone time and actually go on a real date. He didn’t know exactly what to say to you, but every time you laughed, he felt his heart skip a beat.

It took some time for the two of you to fully feel comfortable around one another. You were worried that maybe he wasn’t fully committed, and he worried that you weren’t interested enough in him. But when he kissed you for the first time, everything fell into place.

You both love to spend time together, either playing video games, taking a walk in the woods or just spending quality time together. Android 17 feels the most comfortable with you and he knows he can be his true self with you. He doesn’t need to hide anything from you and he doesn’t have to be cold or distant with you.

Lots of cuddles. He feels like he is so safe in your arms, and he knows that you feel the same way about him. He’ll pull you onto his chest and wrap his arms around you while you both snuggle while watching a movie. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

Android 17 treats you like a princess. He will do absolutely anything to see you smile, and he always has your best interests at heart. He will never do anything to make you sad intentionally. He’s also very much into buying or making you little gifts or doing kind things for you.

On the flip side, you are quick to treat Android 17 like he is the greatest thing in the world. This dynamic works so well for the two of you as you are both so willing to be caring and generous to one another, making you both feel like a million dollars.

Whenever you’re in public, he can get a little possessive in a sense. He doesn’t want anyone else checking you out. He can’t help but feel jealous of anyone who thinks they can get some action with you. Thankfully for him, you are so quick to shut those creeps down. Android 17 has nothing to worry about while he’s with you, and same goes for you.

Being intimate together after being apart:

His movements are rough and needy as he picks you up and throws you onto the bed. It’s a little bit playful in a way, but you know that if you tease him for too long, he will definitely get rougher than this. It’s not often that Android 17 gets this way, but when it’s been a while since you’ve been intimate together.

“You’re so beautiful,” he mutters against the soft spot on your neck. You groan as he bites down gently, leaving only light teeth marks.

“I’ve missed you so much,” you manage to say between your labored breath. One of his hands is already down your panties, rubbing your clit.

“I missed you too. I can’t wait to show you how much,”

His words go straight to your core. You shudder softly as his fingers finally pump into you, your walls stretching to accommodate him. It feels so good and he’s barely done anything to you yet. The excitement from seeing again after him being gone so long is what’s making you this aroused.

“Are you already going to cum?” There’s a mocking tone in his voice as he slows his pace. You can feel your orgasm subsiding as he slows to a stop.

“Seventeen,” you whine. “Why would you stop like that?” He chuckles and leans in to quiet you with a soft and passionate kiss.

“Because I just love the way you beg me.” He admits, curling his fingers to stimulate your g spot. Your eyes roll back in your head as he continues to fuck you with his fingers, this time his thumb comes to bully your clit.

“Gonna fucking cum!” You cry out, bucking up against his hand. He speeds up in the best way possible, never letting up on the pressure.

“Cum all over my fingers, beautiful. I want to feel you come undone.”

That’s all you need as your toes curl and your vision cuts to static. You mewl his name as your orgasm wracks all throughout your body. Android 17 is palming himself through his jeans while he watches you cum.

It doesn't take long for him to get himself undressed and push himself deeply into you. You both moan as he bottoms out, his balls plush against your ass. He’s trying to contain himself as best as he can, but it’s proving to be too much.

“I love you,”

[pod95]

Pairing: Finn Balor X OFC (Ciara)

Word Count: 1981

Warnings: Mature to explicit as the story goes on.

Description: After moving to the USA from England to start her career as an NXT superstar, Ciara gets to meet her long time crush, NXT champion Finn Balor. It's clear the pair have chemistry, but when tensions start to rise, will they find they want more than a no strings attached relationship?

So this is the first piece of fanfic I have written literally ever. I will be posting them here periodically, but I already have 6 chapters out on my Wattpad, AO3 and FanFiction pages.

This series will involve romance, drama and (although it will take a little while) some smutt too. Hope you enjoy it! 😊

Chapter 5: Prince Charming

I had a quick shower in my locker room before heading out to the car park, where Fergal was coolly leaning against his car. I was feeling kind of nervous. Up to now every time I'd seen Fergal it was down to pure coincidence. Now we were very intentionally going out for food together.

"Ready to go?" he smiled as I approached his car. I nodded sheepishly in response. "Good. We'll swing by your place so you can drop of your stuff and change if you want."

"That would be great, thanks!" I threw my gym bag into the trunk and climbed into the passenger seat. Fergal turned the radio on low and pulled out of the car park.

"So can you drive back in England?" he asked me.

"To be honest no, I never got my licence"

"Really? How come?" I hesitated for a moment before answering. The truth was simple: I could never afford to. But the reason why was something I wanted to run so far away from that I'd never think about it again.

"Well... I grew up in a poor area and money was tight for a lot of my life. I guess I just... Never got around to it," I lied, before lowering my head in embarrassment.

"Ya know," he piped up eventually, clearly noticing my discomfort, "I didn't learn to drive until I joined NXT. Dusty actually taught me" he admitted, with a hint of sadness.

"You must have some great memories with him"

"Oh I could tell you some stories, " he smiled at me before turning his attention back to the road.

The journey was filled with laughter as Fergal recounted his driving lessons, and soon enough we were pulling up outside my apartment.

"Right, won't be a minute"

I jumped out of the car, rushed inside and dumped my gym stuff in the washer. Knowing that this wasn't a date took a lot of the pressure off of choosing an outfit. I kept reminding myself that this was just a casual meal between work colleagues and not to overthink it. I returned to the car in a nice top and some jeans.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

"Well there's a nice sushi place near here, or we could get pizza-"

"I LOVE sushi!" I interrupted loudly before catching myself "I mean... Sushi sounds great, please"

"Sushi it is!" Fergal giggled, and pulled away from the pavement.

* * * *

As we entered the restaurant, the host greeted Fergal with a warm, familiar smile.

"Mr Devitt! Your usual seat I presume?" he asked, eyeing me before giving Finn a knowing look. It was obvious the host was not surprised to see Fergal here with a new face.

"Yes please, if it's available"

"Of course! Right this way sir. And might I say, your lady friend looks ravishing this evening" he flashed me a charming smile.

"This is Ciara, she's a new superstar. She worked her ass off today so I'm treating her," Fergal flashed that gorgeous smile again, but his quickness to correct the hosts mistake had me a little disappointed.

"Ah, my mistake sir! I assumed... No matter. Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Just a soda, please"

We took our seats in a quiet corner of the restaurant.

"Same for me, thanks" I nodded.

"Right away," he nodded and left the two of us alone.

Our table was next to a large window looking out across a small stretch of beach. Not one of the many that were overpopulated with tourists, but a quiet, peaceful piece of heaven. As the sun started to set, its light was dancing across the surface of the ocean. It was a beautiful sight. I could see why this was Fergals usual table, though I couldn't help but wonder how many women he'd brought here, charming them with the view.

"So, what looks good?" Fergal opened the menu and glanced over the pages.

"Honestly, all of it..."

"I usually just get a sushi platter to share and then order some ramen or a bento box for myself."

"That sounds perfect," I closed my menu and set it down, relieved that he'd taken the lead before I said something stupid. Fergal called a waiter over to give him our order before turning his attention back to me.

"So how did you get into wrestling?"

"My mum is a huge fan, we used to watch it together. She's basically in love with Brett Hart" I giggled.

"She must be incredibly proud," he smiled. I nodded in response, trying to hold back some tears that had started to form. Noticing my sadness, his tone softened, "I know it's hard, moving away from family, friends, boyfriend..."

"Oh, I'm single so that's not an issue but... Yeah, I miss them a lot."

It could have been my hopeful imagination, but the look in his eyes seemed to shift slightly from sympathy to devilish triumph.

"Really? That's interesting..."

"How so?" I asked, playfully.

"Well..." he hesitated before leaning in slightly closer to me. He squinted his eyes in thought, as if he were trying to solve a difficult puzzle. "You're beautiful, so I doubt you're short on options. You don't have any annoying habits that I've seen, but honestly you're attractive enough that most guys won't care-"

"And what if I'm only interested in women?" I teased, enjoying watching his attempts at analysing me. He chuckled cockily and licked his bottom lip.

"Well in that case, all that flirting you did last night wouldn't make much sense would it?"

"I... Suppose not..." I mumbled, my cheeks beginning to feel hot once again.

Every interaction between Fergal and I felt like a game of Tennis, passing flirtatious remarks and enticing glances between us until one of us (usually me) was left feeling embarrassed.

"So that means, you're choosing to be single. Why is that?" he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, satisfied with his theory.

"I'm just not looking for anything serious now. My career comes first."

"That's smart," he nodded in approval.

We were interrupted by a waiter bringing our food to the table. Everything looked and smelled amazing.

"I just got out of something semi-serious so, I'm focusing on my career too."

I popped a Maki roll into my mouth to hide my surprise. He didn't look like he was lying to me, but Saraya had mentioned last night that he was seeing someone. Maybe she was just taking a dig at him. There was a lot of hostility there after all.

Ugh... Thinking about last night was giving me flashbacks of my piss poor attempt at being alluring. I shuddered the thought out of my mind.

"You ok?"

"Yeah just, kind of embarrassed about last night," I confessed. "I don't normally flirt with complete strangers."

"I could tell, you were really bad at it. Do you always get like that when you're drunk or are ya just that attracted to me?" Fergal laughed, doing nothing to calm my already crimson face.

"I'm always like that, sorry to disappoint. But I did want to thank you for not taking advantage, and for making sure I got home safe. It was really kind of you..."

"Wow. No wonder you're single. You really need to get higher standards for men love. If not trying to sleep with you when you're drunk is your idea of kind, you're gonna be dating a lot of assholes."

I knew he was right, but considering my last relationship, honestly at this stage I'd say almost anything was an improvement.

We continued eating and laughing until finally the bill came. I reached into my bag to get my purse out.

"Woah, what are ya doing? I said this was my treat." Fergal insisted, reaching into his back pocket.

"At least let me pay for half of it"

"Absolutely not."

"You are fighting a losing battle here miss. Mr Devitt is a gentleman after all," the host chimed in, leaving me with no choice but to concede. We thanked him for the meal and said our goodbyes.

It was only when we got outside and it was pitch black I realised how long we'd been here for. Time really felt like nothing when I was spending it with Fergal. The journey home was made in a comfortable silence, both of us stuffed from dinner as I hummed along to the radio, and before I knew it we were pulling up outside of my apartment.

"Here, it's dark. I'll walk you to your door," Fergal switched off the engine and got out of the car.

"Thanks again for tonight. It was nice getting to hang out. Made me feel a little less lonely being here," I reached into my purse to grab my keys.

"No problem, I know what it's like moving to a new country. If you ever need anyone to just hang out with, let me know," he suggested.

"And next time I will definitely pay!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." he beamed.

In the moonlight he looked more gorgeous than I could ever imagine, and I couldn't stop my gaze from wandering. They travelled from the pale blue pools of his eyes, to that intoxicating smile, to the perfect contours of his chest, all the way down to-

"Ahem, my eyes are up here," he smiled cheekily, clearly very pleased with himself that yet again he'd caught me checking him out.

"I was just-"

"No need to be embarrassed love. I take it as a compliment. I actually find it really cute you can't keep your eyes off of me. Besides..." he took a step closer to me and placed a tender hand on my cheek, "You're not the only one who's thought about it."

"Th.. Thought about... What?" I stammered, feeling a pleasant tingling at his touch.

"Oh, you KNOW what" he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I don't..."

He pushed me gently against the wall and held me there, one hand still caressing my cheek, the other pinning my hands above my head.

"So... You haven't thought about me ripping your clothes off and throwing you onto the bed. You've not thought about how it would feel, me kissing every inch of your body," he moved his face closer to mine until our lips were mere inches apart. His eyes were staring intensely into mine, and the feeling of his breath on my skin made my heart beat faster.

"And you've never imagined how, when you can't take any more, I'd make you feel more pleasure than you've ever felt before."

I ran my tongue along my bottom lip in anticipation. Anticipation for a kiss that never came. A let out a small whine as he pulled his face away and released me from his hold. Hearing this he smirked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he sighed, looking very frustrated with himself. "Look, you're sweet... But I don't do sweet. Okay? I do broken and desperate and fucked up. It's just easier that way. Good girls always think they can fix me, and then treat me like I'm the bad guy when they get their heart broken in the process. If you know what's good for ya, you won't cross that line. I'm not your Prince Charming, love."

He walked back to his car, leaving me alone at my doorstep, confused and disappointed as he drove off into the night. I shut the front door behind me and threw myself onto the sofa in frustration. Damn, having him that close to me, talking about the things he was had gotten me all worked up. I needed to get that out of my system before the next time I saw him, otherwise I might just have to show him how wrong he was to call me a good girl.

[yanifestations]

Journey to Self-independence: an anecdote of emotions I had experienced from the last 36 hours.

I know I have posted about my first flight experience already (and yes, very vague, I know). That is why it felt like the best thing to do is to post this as I believe I didn't extricate my thoughts that well, so I'm posting this to be as succinct and detailed as possible.

I left my hometown at 2200 last June 27th. Travel time from my hometown to ZC takes 4-5 hours (depending on the bus), and in my giddy anticipation of the prospect of finally being inside an actual plane and flying high onto the clouds, I took the earliest bus trip, which was at 2300. So if you do the math, I'd arrive at around 0300, which I did, and when I took the jeepney ride to the airport, it was still closed. And my flight is still at 0950. The reason why I took the earliest bus trip was that my sister told me that the next trip would be at 0300, and if I count the time, I'd arrive at around 0700, and I still need to do a jeepney ride to the airport, which takes around 20-30 minutes (if my math didn't fail me). In my defense, I needed to be there 2 hours before my flight. Add those hours up and I still have 4 hours to wait before I actually board. Also, it's better than arriving late anyway. The last thing I needed to deal with was the dilemma of missing my very first flight.

So, moving forward. Finally, I'm on board. Huzzah! I should pop champagne and revel in this innocent bliss. The queue wasn't bad. Wanted to be at the last, intentionally.

So, after all that giddy excitement, we made our way to the plane. Was assigned to enter at the back entrance (which was a bummer since my seat was located the near front center, so I had to walk all the way down the hallway). Found my seat, and placed my backpack in the overhead luggage bin. Took a seat, and cozied myself to rest. A deep sigh and all I did for the next couple of hours was either between staring out the window or dozing off to sleep.

What I've heard from my high school class really was true; flight turbulence is the worst. Not only did it make my already terrible hearing an annoyance, but it made my head inflate like winter air was blowing on both my ears. Oh well, a bit of inconvenience to pay for my blithe ignorance.

(In case you're wondering why there was a long trail of black smoke billowing in the background, from what I've heard from the locals, an LPG warehouse exploded at midnight.)

The plane trip lasted for an hour, and boy was I at cloud-nine, figuratively and literally (in a sense).

Bummer that I left ZC with the weather bright and sultry, only to be welcomed by the murk and downpour at NAIA.

So I took a bite for lunch, went back to the terminal, rode a bus trip for Pampanga, and the rest was bliss intermingled by existential awakening.

While I was traveling along the long roads of Pampanga-- as I appreciated the beauty of the mountains and the seeming convergence of a city proper infested by a country-side theme-- I can't help but smile and get lost in my accumulated peace.

I was tired. So tired, truth be told. But drifting off felt unnecessary. And as I was drowning in my placid, sedentary silence, I noticed that my peace had this giddy and naïve happiness that got me to see a life worth living. As though all raw and dark thoughts I had had just been dissipated by this temporary, picturesque distraction. And somewhere around that naivete, a tingling thought crept like a baseball bat of a slap that felt as though it needed to be recognized.

Chain to the Rhythm was playing in the background, and the music brought me to the actuality that this naive happiness had been repressed for so long from my tolerance of doing the bare minimum and staying in my comfort zone ever since I started growing up and learning mature, pragmatic, rational thoughts. Even though it made me sad, a more dominant, somewhat imposing but radical thought emerged; this may be what reality looks like, and things may not turn out for the best, but at least I can work my way to figure it out.

Even if the world seems like it is against me, I can compromise and wiggle my way out of the bad days and bad things. And this naivete is something that I must not linger for long, as this may also distract me from the consequences of my ignorance and indifference.

So there's that. Wanted to share.

Thanks for indulging me.

[themelancholyhill]

I really wanted to send an ask sooner than this but I've had a busy past few days. I'm glad I'm over my covid now and having had it makes me appreciate the little things so much more. I also felt very isolated, in every way. I didn't have the energy to care that I couldn't engage in social interactions, I didn't have the energy to eat well, I didn't have the energy to care for myself, all of these add up to a dangerous slippery slope. I was already dealing with episodes of depression and having covid on top of that did not help one bit. I said to my friends on my IG that I didn't like going on there anymore because I felt like I had to pretend I was doing well mentally and I wasn't. I intentionally isolated myself socially, it's one of my maladaptive coping mechanisms. I've since returned to my IG but it always feels more draining to me to be on there, I much prefer tumblr.

I think it would be so incredibly hard for you to try to move on from Ray. It seemed like you guys had a rare connection, those are very hard to come by. It's disheartening to see that he isn't as appreciative of your bond as you are. I am so sorry this is weighing on your heart but your outlook on what you've learned is valuable and it is the lesson you are meant to take away from this friendship. I think we meet people in our lives at the right times, some are meant to be there temporary, to teach us a lesson we otherwise would never learn had we not met them. All "breakups" are hard to swallow, it's a type of severing, and sometimes, one person is ready but the other isn't. You said "if he comes back it won't be the same" - I agree. However, it might be better. If you both decide to repair this friendship and put in the same amount of effort in keeping it, I think it could be even better than before. I wouldn't call him a narcissist so soon (even though I know nothing about him). He might not be in a good position to tell you how he feels, or he might just be unable to articulate himself. Either way, you have good memories of him and even though it is hard to move on from this, you seem like you've discovered some closure on your end.

I wish I had time to send you asks whenever I want to but I honestly don't have a lot of time to myself. I have a 5 year old lol. I debated whether to tell you or not, and decided I would.

I want to end this ask by addressing what you said in your reply: "Due to what happened with Ray, I've become more self conscious with the way I interact with people - trying not to talk too much and avoiding getting a bit too personal so I won't get attached!" This sentiment made me quite sad. I have also felt similarly in the past, but you know, even if the connection is meant to be short-lived, I'd still want it to be the best it could be, the most honest and authentic. So even with people who I think are only around temporarily, I still give as much as I can. I am not telling you what to do, I am simply offering another perspective. I've been more appreciative of different perspectives lately, maybe you would find mine useful to some degree. ✖️

I'm really glad to see your ask, and don't feel the pressure to respond super quickly, I understand that people get busy and it's OK cause I know that you're still around.

I heard that the side effects of Covid are long-lasting and it includes: inexplicable fatigue. It kinda reassures me and allows me to take a step back and rest. I've established a certain rhythm with my online friends. I tend not to use my socials for a certain period of time, and when I come back, I don't get asked about my long absence. Still, I prefer being on Tumblr—it's more peaceful, ironically since people are still referring to it as toxic!

Now, Ray is very special to me. I've felt this way the very first time we started talking—I caught myself wanting to talk to him even if I had nothing to say. I see him as special cause he taught me a lot without explicitly doing so. I don't remember if I specified what I'd learnt, but I'll do it regardless. Not only I felt at ease around him cause he wasn't judgemental so I could be myself, but he also pushed me to try out new things and be more open to topics completely alien to me. One thing that sticks out is how I approach music. This might sound like nothing, but I've been giving a chance to artists I under appreciated in the past and it's making me discover new perspectives and a way to be more tolerant towards people generally speaking. I think I mentioned this but I've also learnt how to take things with a grain of salt, especially when dealing with people online—if someone leaves me on read and then replies days later, I won't be mad!

I was going to mention that I was feeling like I'd never hear from him nor even see him again, but the way you assured me that with him coming back things "might be better" truly makes me feel hopeful. I don't want to call him a narcissist either, and call me naive, but the way you're doubting this probability, without knowing him personally, warms my heart. The more I read about this type of people, the more horrified I become. It's one thing to be confused about a friend's sudden absence, another is to see them as being the worst people that walked the earth. They're seen as manipulative and feeding on their 'victims'' heartbreak. They use the silent treatment to see if the one hurt will come back, begging on their knees. Their weapons are passive aggressive behavior, manipulation and gaslighting. You can imagine how I'm feeling and how my confusion quadrupled. But I'm trying to process everything going on in my mind and my heart and still hope for the best—either see him coming back or having a definitive closure.

I know that you're in a long-time relationship, but I couldn't guess that you were a mother—masha'Allah! We say the latter to avoid "jinxing" the people we are talking to and avoid any harm to befall on them! Regardless of how busy you are, you don't have to send asks on a regular basis unless you have the time to do so—and remember, I'm taking things with a grain of salt 🤭

Your advice is golden and what happened shouldn't alter the way I usually interact with people. I'll give them the right amount of energy without getting burned out—always be nice and kind while sensing when reality is ready to bite. It's like living romantically, and instead of wearing rose-tinted glasses, you'll wear prescription glasses... idk if this makes any sense, but this is how I see it; keep your head in the clouds and your feet grounded in reality—here you go, two analogies out of nowhere 😄

I hope you managed to go out often and enjoy the warm weather—I assume it's starting to get warmer where you are! Tell me about your day, if you have time of course.

It's almost 11 pm and I can't focus enough to form coherent sentences, so I'll talk to you soon—take care and thank you so much for being here 🤍

[ad-sanandum]

If a picture speaks a thousand words, this is it.

-update-

Here's what my Bible has to say about love:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

I have always thought that you loved me. But do you really though? When I compare my mother's love, and mama's love, to the type of love that you show, why does it seem so different? Maybe you do love me, but a different kind of love. Maybe I'm just gas-lighting myself.

I know we can't choose the cards we are dealt with at birth. We can't choose what families we will be born into. As I see the love that other families have through my cell group, see the patience and gregariousness of the fathers of others, is it wrong that I secretly long to be a part of their family? It must be wrong, because I feel so guilty about it.

Can I say with confidence that you truly love me? Or is it my achievements that you love? Why is it that you always tell your friends that I'm a pharmacist, and that I'm going to med school, and not tell them of the kind of person I am? How I'm like, my likes and dislikes, who I am as a person. Why am I all of a sudden, defined by my achievements and successes?

When you are young, you see your parents as people that are infallible. They can never be wrong; they are always right. After all, everything you know you learnt from them. As you grow older, you realize that one, no one is perfect. Then, you realize their shortcomings. Then, you hope that you won't make the same mistakes they did. You know, I never knew the damage that you had inflicted before going for counselling at work. Why did I always push people away, when I was upset? Maybe, it was because of the emotional distance I felt when I was a child who was upset and simply needed love and comfort. Maybe, it was how you got angry at me if I was crying over something completely unrelated to you or anything - as if getting sad was my fault?

Thoughts are running wild now. For the past few weeks, I have been intentionally isolating myself away from this family. The more of a stranger you think I am, then the more free reign I will have. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months, damn it. You'd think the trials and tribulations of adolescent life would be far gone by now.

There is no easy solution to this. I have considered it deeply. Bending over to your will? It'll make things bright and cheery, but only temporarily. It will never solve the deeper issue at hand; the elephant in the room. Finding the middle ground? Give the man an inch and he'll take the whole stick. Persisting in my beliefs? Hello, conflict.

Sometimes, I wish that I'd already found a partner so I'd already moved out to a place of my own. It's suffocating. There is a vast difference between 'I'm staying with my parents' and 'My parents are staying with me'. World of difference.

I do not apologize for what I've done and I am in no way sorry about it. But I am sorry that you cannot find peace within yourself and have a more open-minded heart and mind.

[finsterhund]

I'm feeling slightly better than I was yesterday.

I bought stuff for Spot with the last of my money to cheer myself up, as I'm getting paid in two days.

One of the Spots I ordered arrived and I gave them a bath.

Got chicken strips and potato wedges.

I'm still extremely upset about the news from yesterday. I'm trying not to take it personally but saying "I hated doing commissions" and me being his primary commissioner, getting one almost every month, has made that hard.

I guess this means I shouldn't obsess over one friend and their art and should try being closer to multiple people and being a supporter of multiple artists.

Every time I get too attached I always end up getting hurt because I'm too clingy.

But as I said, finding that sweet spot when it comes to artists is very very difficult. All the good artists who aren't creeps are so popular that getting a commission slot is impossible.

This year has just been "the year of distance" and it sucks. Everyone being distant in real life due to the virus I think is normalizing reclusion even online.

I tried to shower like a non disabled person today and guess what? I bruised my horrible little nasty sternum by falling. It feels kinda weird now and hurts. It makes me think more about whether I have wires around it or not. The bone would have grown around the wires right? Hopefully it's just bruising and it's not like, extra delicate because it was at one point in two halves, so it broke. Baby bones are basically cartilage so it would have grown properly right?

I know nothing of medicine.

So I'm sticking to baths unless I want to get a shower chair. Only issue is there's no space for one.

Our slumlord house owner was going to raise our rent but can't because of the virus. That's some good news. Hope it stays that way. We're already paying way too much for what we get here.

I had a pretty bad breakdown last night but tonight I'm not feeling that. Still really sad about recent events though.

Actually befriending artists is really hard and a big issue I have with finding artists online to commission is I prefer them being my friends as there's a level of comradery and understanding so ehhhhhh. I had several people do art fight attacks for me this year out of the blue so maybe I'd be able to network and become friends with other artists but that's so hard for me. My friendships pretty much are lightning in a bottle rare events that brought us together. I don't actually know how to intentionally make friends.

I wish Fishy had more free time and Shynox and Lili and Arti came back. Oh well.

I found out that the camera I wanted to get for when I finally get my service dog doesn't save photos digitally. It sucks because I really wanted to have a modern instant camera that also had an SD card for the photos as backup but nope. The new Polaroid doesn't do that. It's just a regular old style instant camera. No digital features. I'd dig that if the saga of the Spot photos and the ongoing search for a place that still develops negatives didn't force me to get with the times and acknowledge for once in my life that "digital is the answer"

So instead I'm helping my friend buy his camera and he'll be taking photos for me. I'm sad because after my first digital camera broke I wanted to get a new one but finding out that the one I wanted didn't do what I needed it to do sorta just made me give up.

The pet store where I got stuff for Spot had things on clearance. Everything I got was clearance. I also saw a glow in the dark collar but I just thought that Spot wouldn't like the material and that it would be something my future service dog would like and that made me feel sad so I left.

The quest for a very large stuffed dog that looks like Spot continues. I found a pattern that someone could make one, but do you know how to sew things? I thought not. Neither do I.

I'm excited for the OC release of Paper Beast even though I won't be able to play it. Gotta build my new PC but that means dealing with modern PC parts which is something I've been fearing. I know how to assemble modern PCs, but I'm so behind with the technical aspect it's hard. I don't want to just buy a prebuilt, that's a waste of money, but due to the virus, going to a local shop is out of the question too.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting by, but that I'm not happy. I'm just sorta riding the waves wherever they move and hoping for the best.

I'm hoping my friend's new camera will be good for photos of cuddle clone Spot and also my HoD collection.

I've got some ideas for commissions though. Just don't know who to commission lol

I've got one in the works now though. First one from an artist I thought was cool and is nice to follow. Seemed excited to work on my idea.

My friend made me this and it makes me feel happy.

Hopefully I'll have an easier time sleeping tonight than I did last night.

Maybe I'll try writing instead. But since my mood is awful we know it's going to take a dark turn.

I might try searching around for artists some more, especially once I get paid.

It's not the end of the world. I'm just hurt lol

Anyways, update done. Talk to you guys later.

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

Bea: [Sends article] He's out Bea: 4 years early Bea: Fucking 'good behaviour' Caleb left the chat 3 hours ago Fraze (Caleb) joined the chat 3 hours ago Fraze: I'll kill him. Finding him won't be hard Fraze: The cunt couldn't do one decent thing and rot behind bars Fraze: Fucking hell. Where are you? Is anyone else with you Bea: Good one Bea: You'll just take his place and YOU will get life Bea: He's smiling, he fucking loves it Bea: Won't be surprised if I'm subjected to reading 'his side of the story' next Fraze: I'm not gonna stand around doing fuck all like I had to as a kid Fraze: I'll take my punishment if it means wiping the smile off his face at the same time Bea: Nothing's changed, can't change anything Bea: that was it, that was the punishment, my closure, now its done Bea: Oh, and leave me alone? Great Bea: Besides, you have people who give a shit about you, unlike him, people who you can't do that to Fraze: I'd never do that. Fucking never. Wherever I am Fraze: But I'd be doing this for you, 'cause you can't ruin your life for this cunt again Fraze: You're the one I care about. I'd do anything for you Bea: I didn't ruin MY life Bea: HE did, end of Bea: I'm not under illusion anyone can do anything about it anymore Bea: left those dreams on the playground Fraze: I didn't mean it like that Fraze: What so I can't do anything? Fuck that Bea: Sorry to say, babe Bea: get angry if it helps you sleep at night Bea: I'm sick of being angry Fraze: I don't give a shit about helping myself Fraze: There has to be something I can do for you Bea: What? Bea: I'll just book myself into therapy when I can afford it Bea: repress it all like a good girl Fraze: Talk to me. I ain't a shrink granted but it won't cost you more than a drink like Bea: What do you want me to say, Fraze? Fraze: Fuck I don't know, Bea Fraze: What do you wanna say Fraze: Be honest Bea: Nothing Bea: I wish I didn't have to think about it and remember it Bea: never mind talk about it Bea: I wish it never happened because I don't wanna be that girl Bea: Its pathetic, I'm pathetic and I hate it Fraze: It did happen, yeah, but it doesn't make you pathetic Fraze: You ain't that, never have been Bea: Yes, I am Bea: What could be more pathetic than an abused orphan Bea: everything about it screams pity me and I don't want that Fraze: No. You're smart, brave, determined, beautiful and that's not the half of it Fraze: That's what happened, not who you are Fraze: Who's pitying the best student at Cambridge? Come on. Bea: I'm hardly shouting about who I am and where I've come from, am I Bea: but its still the truth, even if I hide it forever Fraze: Nor am I. Why have we gotta? Fraze: The truth is he shouldn't be out. Ever Fraze: And that shit shouldn't have happened to you Bea: Because its all fake, a lie Bea: Well it did Bea: I doubt he'll be able to pull that shit again, looks on death's door the miserable fat cunt Bea: Who's going to let him near their children now? Fraze: We're real Fraze: Fingers crossed, save me a job, yeah? Bea: Yeah? Bea: Ok Fraze: Bea, don't Fraze: You know it Fraze: I love you Bea: Even so Bea: still can't make it work Bea: still gotta fuck around Fraze: We are making it work Bea: If that's what you wanna call it Bea: Sure Bea: Functioning, super healthy Fraze: I never said that Fraze: Christ, we keep having the same fight about this for one thing Fraze: But we're not giving up Bea: Only because we're stubborn Bea: doesn't mean its a good thing Bea: Perhaps we should Fraze: Fuck you. You don't get to push me away Fraze: Not 'cause of him Bea: I can do whatever I want Fraze: Yeah you can Fraze: But don't lie to me or yourself that this is what you wanna do Bea: Is it a lie? Bea: Why else would we have made up that stupid rule Bea: Obviously over it Fraze: Speak for yourself Fraze: You aren't speaking for me now. Simple as Bea: Bullshit! Bea: I've not slept with anyone else Bea: you have Fraze: So what? Fraze: That doesn't mean I don't want you Fraze: I do Bea: That's exactly what it means Bea: Don't be ridiculous Fraze: You're being fucking ridiculous Fraze: I didn't go behind your back once. I wouldn't Fraze: If not for this agreement bullshit I wouldn't have looked at anyone else Bea: You can say that 'cos you haven't had to try Bea: it was for your benefit Fraze: You agreed to me to it along with me Fraze: You didn't tell me you weren't fucking around Fraze: I thought it was what you wanted Bea: Because I know you Bea: I'd rather at least be able to front like it was my idea Bea: than just get fucking cheated on Fraze: Clearly you don't Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: I don't know how many times I can tell you that I love and want you Bea: That's what he used to say too Bea: Just words Fraze: Don't you fucking dare put me up against him Fraze: I'm nothing like him Bea: Calm down, I'm not calling you a kid fucker Fraze: Don't tell me to calm down Fraze: You're calling me a piece of shit that's enough Fraze: I'd never hurt you. Ever. In any way Bea: Look Bea: Sorry, alright? Bea: I didn't mean that Bea: Not intentionally but you can't say that like its fact Fraze: Why can't I? It's a fact for me, living by it Fraze: I'm a lot of things, yeah, but I'm not that to you. I won't be Fraze: Like I said, I'd do anything for you. Tell me what you want me to do Bea: Because you can't control me or what hurts me Bea: Stop caring Bea: Can't you see where it ends? Fraze: Stop twisting it Fraze: I'm not trying to control anything except this now, you pushing me away, 'cause it's fucked Fraze: Look, I know where we end Fraze: Marry me. I mean it Fraze: All this bullshit can just stop Bea: Why would you say that? Bea: Now, REALLY Fraze: 'cause I love you Fraze: It'll happen one day why not now Bea: No, it won't Bea: I don't want to get married Bea: I'm trying to make something of my life not end it prematurely Fraze: I'm not stopping you Fraze: A ring wouldn't either Fraze: What the fuck happened to doing it together? Bea: What happened is we obviously can't Bea: We want different things, we're in different places Bea: It is what it is, Fraze Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: You're scared Bea: Of what? Fraze: Fuck knows. You tell me Fraze: He did a number on you and you think I'm gonna Fraze: You're safe with me. I let you know that when we met. Nothing's changed Bea: You were just a kid then Bea: you didn't know what you were promising and you certainly don't need to stick to it now Bea: some fucked sense of duty Bea: I just told you I didn't want to be a sad pity case Fraze: Maybe not then but I do now and I'm still saying Fraze: It's love, that's what it's been since I was 7 Fraze: And I told you, you fucking aren't Bea: Fraze Bea: The answer is still no Fraze: You don't have to marry me, just don't fucking leave, yeah? Bea: How can I? We aren't together now already Fraze: You know what I mean Fraze: Fuck's sake Bea: Anyway Bea: just had to tell someone Fraze: Bea Fraze: Come on Bea: I can't Bea: I can't do or say what you want me to Bea: I'm sorry Bea: I really am Fraze: Fuck sorry Fraze: I want you. End of. I'm not asking for any more than that Fraze: What's hard about that all of sudden? Bea: Are you kidding me? You're living what's hard about it right now too, yeah? Bea: Either that or you're full of shit Bea: I can't keep missing you all the damn time Bea: it hurts too much Fraze: We knew it was coming Fraze: You're telling me you'd rather call it quits forever than miss me for a couple more years? Fraze: How'd that hurt less? Fraze: You're full of shit Bea: Fine, make ME say it Bea: because we'll get over each other Bea: we'd have to Fraze: If there's someone else just say it Bea: There isn't Bea: Don't try and make it into something it isn't Fraze: It's that London lad Fraze: I'll fucking kill him Bea: Bronson? Bea: That is ludicrous for so many reasons, which you'd be aware of if you took any time to listen to me, or try to get to know him Fraze: Don't turn this around on me, babe Fraze: He's the one pretending 'cause he's out for what he can get, with you Fraze: just friends, yeah? Fuck off Bea: That's not a thing that happens in real life, babe Bea: who knew you liked chick-flicks so much Bea: you think I wouldn't notice if I was slowly being wooed by my 'asexual' friend? Bea: the word alone makes him uncomfortable never mind this story you're concocting Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: And the point is, you have noticed and you're loving it Fraze: Gone off me 'cause you want him, but it's a big fucking joke, yeah? Bea: Oh, fuck off Bea: Even if he was into me, WHICH HE'S NOT, doesn't mean I HAVE to reciprocate it, WHICH I DON'T Bea: What do you even want me to say on this? Like, its not real, you're making it up Fraze: Go fuck yourself Fraze: Or him 'cause you clearly wanna Fraze: Trying to make me step aside like it's my idea Bea: Shame I can't, ey? Bea: 'Cause by this stupid fucking agreement I'm well within my right to anyway so Bea: why are you getting so angry? Fraze: You know why Fraze: I don't have feelings for any other girls Fraze: I'm not spending all my time with them like they're my girlfriend Bea: So I'm not allowed friends now? Bea: You have friends, I don't accuse you of fucking them or being in love with them Bea: My God! Fraze: Why am I the cunt for not wanting you to fucking replace me? Fraze: Christ sake Bea: Because I'm not! Bea: And if you can't take me at my word on that then tell me Bea: how do I prove that to you? Fraze: Stop pushing me away Fraze: And take me at my own fucking word Bea: I'm not pushing you away because there's someone else Bea: and you know it Fraze: What the fuck do I know? Fraze: You're messing with my head Fraze: Being fucking stupid Bea: I'm not trying to Bea: that's what I'm telling you Bea: leave Bea: don't get pulled in by my mess Fraze: Bea Fraze: Stop this shit Fraze: Enough now, yeah? Fraze: I'm not begging Bea: I can't Bea: Alright Bea: It ain't that simple Fraze: What's complicated Fraze: Don't act crazy Bea: That's right Bea: I'm crazy Fraze: Fucking hell Fraze: I'll call you when you've caught yourself on Fraze: Not getting nowhere Bea: Don't Bea: I don't want to talk to you Fraze: Don't answer Fraze: I can't make you Bea: Yeah 'cos I need you blowing up my phone Bea: Just leave me alone Fraze: I don't need you turning this on me Fraze: I'm trying Fraze: it's you doing this now Bea: Hey at least I didn't propose Fraze: Fuck you Bea: Fuck you right back

[darla-dol-blog]

Reading old texts really does a number on me. I know I need to stop doing this to myself but I mean everything changed. I became a dick as a cover for being sad because I knew we weren't getting back together all along. I know you've already explained everything to me so thanks I appreciate it I guess it was just a way of looking out for me in the end. Shows how much you really did care about and love me. But reading "nothings gonna change tho :/" fucking kills me especially at where we're at now and a lot of it over the past weekend was all me and I'm never going to forgive myself for how I acted. I told you I'd never hurt you intentionally and you even said how you knew I wouldn't but that's exactly what I tried to do I'm actually a terrible person for what I posted. I know you said that it was ok or I was fine but I know you don't mean that. I know what I did hurt somewhat or someway and I know I caused something that I don't like now we're further apart then before and we're only gonna drift away even more at this point. If you read these I just want you to know that I don't post these to hurt you or make you feel bad. These are thoughts I have everyday and all the time and now I'm letting them out. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or like somehow convince you to give us one last chance no matter how much I mention being in love with you or loving you or still genuinely wanting to be with you after all of this. Because I know that will never happen again because I ruined any chances I still had and you even said it yourself that feeling you have for Wade is still there and always will be as I'm sure will your feelings for Jayden. I don't know I really don't want to give up but I know I need to so that you can also completely move on from me if you already haven't by now with all the shit I did. And that's the hard part giving up on someone who I genuinely believe I'm in love with. But I'll try it'll be best for both of us if I do.