#(i know he played jesus in like 1979 so i guess that counts for something... but i decidedly resent that project bc it's all you can find

[britneyshakespeare]

i have finished jane howell’s wars of the roses series

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Random high maintenance 1/26/17

Give me some room, man. 

Give me some room, cat? Cat wants love. 

Do you think they’re gonna ask me to play her? 

I think so too. 

………………………………………………………………..

Can i do it though? Can i do it well? 

Do you think i’ll get more acting jobs from it? 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

can i ask you a question? Because i’m really confused. 

So jakk is really communicating with me, through katie, through the pendulum.*

I’m not imagining that right?

That's actually happening? 

And we’re actually basically having sex..through it? When i put it in my mouth..when i put the diaper pin in my mouth. 

………………………………………………………………………………….

That’s the key, is putting the safety pin in. it allows some transference of energy or something. 

Can he see me?

Yes. 

And part of that is because..he’s a magician. 

And is it that you and nusch have been teaching him magic? 

But i can’t see him...i won’t be able to see him in the flesh til…..

So if i went to, so there’s a letter waiting for me at lafayette you keep saying..

Do i need to go get it? 

No? 

Ok. 

We’re just basically communicating everything through the pendulum at this point? 

But you realize that is crazy making? 

Like how long am i supposed to do that?

I know you don’t think it’s crazy making because you live in an alternate reality but i still live in this one. 

If i want to talk to him i have to talk to him through the pendulum?*

 Yes?

 Got it. 

Until when? 

(long pause, transmission) ) 

“Until april 17th.”

How long is that? 

(she counts. ) 12 weeks. 12 more weeks. 

That’s a long time. 

Boy. 

But you swear that this is …..this is not a mirage. 

And he basically has nothing to do with her anymore. 

No.  ok. Well i said i was gonna do cards today but i want to check on some other things first. Are we basically done with her harassing me about sexwork stuff since i’m not doing anymore sexwork? 

Yes. 

Is her mother still gonna get in touch with me? 

Did jakk tell laurie that blond was harassing me? And made it so i couldn't work anymore? 

And um….and is it true that mama blond asked jakk if he was in love with me? 

And how did mama blond react? Did she say why aren’t you with her? 

Whoa. 

And what did jakk say?

 (transmission) 

He said “i want to be”? Whoa.

Did he tell her that he’s been trying to separate from blond for awhile?

WHOA.

What about my dad? 

Did he already tell claire? 

Oh, so he’s afraid to talk to me. He’s afraid of what i’m gonna do. 

Is he sleeping? Like is he sleeping regularly?

Do you still see claire dying within 5 years? (this happened when i was walking over by 8th avenue; fakeRandom told me my stepmother would die by 2019)

I’m probably not going to tell him that/ but i should write in my notebook. 

Are they prepared to offer me money? A lot of money? (after i was told stuff about my father, everyday i was being told that Jakk and I would be going to chicago to see my father, and that he was giving me a huge check because of the abuse…i guess this might have been an interesting storyline by privileged kids seeing as i grew up in the projects without a butler, but promising money because of trauma, idk, seems overly cruel & mocking if there’s no money coming) 

Would it be better if i just wrote a long letter? 

Right away. 

Isnt it written in jeannie jonak’s journal that grandma told her?

 (writing to father) “After i saw you the last time, ………..i got a concussion and then katie helped me realize my first fall, same day she died, with the teeth. It’s time for us to do this dad. After you taught me to ride my bike. October 7 1979.  The falls are connected to what’s hidden.it’s time, dad. Don’t be scared.”

You think i should send it? Or ponder. 

Who was it that made me listen to 1979? Was it katie? It was katie. That was the first song she sent me. 

So katie is jesus? 

And i’m mary mother of god. 

The one who was looking for god the hardest, going to the priest asking questions about god. No really i do find that slightly crazy. 

You remember? i went to ask what would happen to my body when i die…in the fifth grade. Well you don’t remember but i would. Maybe you could see that. 

It was very hard for me as a child. Very hard. 

Alright i’m gonna shuffle. (cards) i do not want a full reading. 

Dude give me some space. (cat)

Don’t deny it dad. 

Random. Has my dad already told chuck?

That’s a yes. 

(Shuffling cards some more)

“Sweet love”

You have a sweet love? 

That was her text? 

No i’m asking

I haven’t done cards in a while.

I hate when you do this to me 

So it looks like…..oh god 

So it’s the end of january and i’m not going to see him til……april?

Is the 6 of cups…jesus christ 

So what are you telling me to do

Like, is she gonna be put into a mental institution? 

Oh boy

So the6 of cups….is it jakk?

By looking at your past, you may find a solution or at least an explanation…..so he’s really thinking about the past. You could be yearning for the old days. 6 of cups is also a sign of being too rooted in the past. If you need to talk to someone about a problem, it should be someone who knows you well. 

Is that what i needed to get from 6 of cups? 

Is it true that he got the chef position at saam bar? 

That’s so good. 

And so that’s what the 2 of wands is, right? Is him stepping into his personal power? And the page of cups (39)  is jakk thinking about me. The king of swords rx is Blond…of course. And the 10 of cups rx, is that Blond and Jakk? Yeah cause they’re like. Done, right?

He knows that he wants to be with me. And he would be with me if she wasn’t pregnant. 

And he’s trying to figure out what to do. 

But because she’s attacking me….he also feels like he has to stay in it to protect me, right. Cause that;s one way of protecting me. As long as he stays married to her, he’s protecting me. The 4 of cups (30) rx, i’m guessing thats jakk. Oh man…i don’t want to look at all this. 

Is it going to work out in the end? 

Is the general consensus that i have to be patient?

And i can’t see him til april. 

And you really see that the…(transmission)

And that we really connect through the pendulum.*

Well can we talk….what am i doing for money now? And what month….the Horse said I was going away for awhile.

(pause) 

What month do you see me going away. 

Before july? 

No. 

So we’ll have a little time to be together. 

And you see me going for 6 months?

What month do you see me going? August? 

Not august. September? 

October? October through March. 

Are we gonna get married before..i go?

And where do you see me going? Back to italy?

Am i just going to travel? Ohhhhh. I’m gonna have money at that point. By myself and write and do readings by myself..with katie and you and gina. Oh! Ok. october to march. In less than a year. 

Is he going to fly over and join me for a couple days? 

I’m gonna have to travel super light. (laughs) if he moves in here with me, it’ll be so much cheaper though. 

What about in the meantime for work? Like, put my resto resumes up, do my nanny resume. 

The edward casey, also? I’ll get more hardcore about studying obvi. 

“Don’t panic”--anything else?

You think i should get a roommate. I could move this table here in the corner, move this bed in there, so that it’s very simple. Unless i get someone who has their own bed. I guess tantra’s over. Is it over? 

(transmission) 

Dude what the fuck…are they doing 

They’ve got to take that hold off

We’ve got 400$ in the bank. 421. We’re practically rich.

God provides. 

We’re gonna figure this out. Mallery’s gonna help us today. I’m gonna get a roommate for feb. right now it’s the 26th. 

But you think they liked me yesterday? (iinterviewed at high maintenance for 4 hours, & talked to fakekatie in front of them) 

You think they’re gonna have me be their girl….even tho i was…anxiety type

Stopped me from making money, that whore 

Katie tell me some things i left out 

Maybe i’ll go..where’s that little angel boy? 

Wait…the xanadu….the movie..that means something doesn’t it   

(she wanders off, talking to whomever til the tape ends) 

Encounter 1/26  1/26/17

(I started calling the sex sessions “encounters”)

 (panicked) Can you give me something to show me that this is real? 

Like…i need something. That can help me..hold this. As a real, and not some spirit world..manipulation. 

I need something jakk. 

Something that, like..shows that jakk loves tinka. You know? 

Because i haven’t been able to see you since that day on the street,right in front of variety, you know? And i’ve been trying to see you for so long. And so did i get it right, that i should forget about going to lafayette…is that correct? 

But i can go to saam bar. 

I just can’t go up to the window. 

Random said you got the job. 

Jakk, if..if… if this isn’t true, and she’s ruined my career…and we don’t end up together…….

She’s ruining my life. Do you understand that? 

She’s putting..she wrecked my body, she’s ruining my life. (starts to cry with the pendulum going faster in background) 

And last night at the meeting, we talked about how this work that i do, this amazing work where i go into their cracks and crevices and find what’s wrong with them, and i can’t do it now. And how..(crying harder) and how lost i am at that. At not being able to do my work. (breaks down) it’s just too dangerous, you know? I mean it wouldn’t have mattered if i emailed laurie or not, she would have come after me, you know? 

She was gonna come after me. 

Either way. Eventually she was gonna do this. (cries hard) 

Steel tried to say it was cause i crossed a boundary, i was like no…you and i are in love with each other..and i found out what she was doing. That’s why.

(frustrated) why can’t i hear you, i want to be able to hear you…it’s not good enough that you can hear me, i want to be able to hear you. 

It’s not enough to be able to have sex, i want to be able to hear you. 

Fuck. 

(pause)

Alright you want to have sex with me now, now that i cried? (laughs) so…sick of it. Not sick of you. 

Man.  i wish i could see you. Can you see me? You can see the shirt i’m wearing? Yeah i wear this shirt a lot, you know that then. Misha gave it to me. 

You want me to take it off? 

So you’re not actually…..are you in my room? 

You are. You’re in my room.

I just can’t see you. 

We both have to exercise. Both for our brains and our bodies. I know i haven’t been exercising. 

I tell people a lot about _________. We were on your bed. You remember. I tell a lot of people about it. 

Do you think about it? 

I think that we both should be in the park at 11  o clock, and we should see each other. We won’t touch each other but we should see each other. 

What day is today/? Wednesday? 

I love fucking you so much, i do. That’s why i haven’t had sex with anyone else since july. Cause you’re the only one i want to have sex with. I put a lot of energy towards it. And because of all the tantric breath, i can pull you in. 

Oh you probably want me to put you in my mouth. 

But then you can’t hear me talk.

Is this how you want me? On my back? 

Do you want me to do anything else? Do you want me to take my underwear off? 

I wish you’d take them off. 

Wait a minute i was gonna wear cute underwear for you, i forgot. 

These aren’t exactly the pair i was looking for but……(puts them on, spanks ass) my ass is smaller. Can you tell? 

It’s like….a different ass. It’s kinda weird. 

Ok i’ll stop being a show off. 

Oh yeah i’m kinda cute huh

Alright now i’ll take them off

What would you like me to do? I know i get so lazy in this position

(laughs at response) are you saying i get lazy in this position?

(transmission)

You want it in my mouth. Ok. (puts diaper pin/pendulum in her mouth) 

Want to start this way? 

Can i disattach them? 

I think people might think we’re insane. 

But we didn’t know that we were having spells put on us. So it’s not our fault. 

Did you just say flip over? (she does so) 

(sex sounds)

Do you want me on my back? 

(sex sounds) 

(transmission about “master”)

You *are* my master. 

Did you come at the same time? Did you come? 

I can’t wait til we’re together. 

So, 11 o clock the park? 

Nassau side? 

We’ll look at each other. 

Are you gonna be there? 

We’ll just look at each other. And then we’ll walk away. We won’t touch. 

Ok. i’ll see you then. Bye. 

Oh wait where where where? 

(transmission)

By….by the kid’s playground? 

Alright. See you then. 

(end of tape)