#(But alas. Chopped into fine 100 words bits it ended up)

[poutyyybangtan]

ready or not - j.jk

genre: friends to lovers, enemy to lovers, (almost a slow burn?), a mix of everything lol  character pairing: jeon jungkook 9bts) x female oc warnings: not really any lol just angsty fluff kinda stuff word count: 5.4k (it’s alot) authors note: i wrote this months ago and it’s not finished but i can finish it if yall want? let me know :)

______

(prompts from @im-here-to-help-you-all-write​)

“i think the longer you look at it, the worse it gets.” “yeah, kinda like your face.”

“i need your help.” “holy shit, i never thought i’d hear you say that.’ “please don’t rub it in right now.”

“i don’t feel like i’m ready for this yet” “you’re going to have to be, because we’re out of time.”

you can’t believe you actually had to do this. the last person you ever wanted to look at was your only shot at getting out of the situation you brought upon yourself. you had originally counted on one of your other friends to help you out, but of course, life never seemed to work out the way you wanted it to. 

“jin, please. can’t you just cancel and come with me?” you begged, watching as your older companion continued to chop away at some vegetables. 

“you know i would love to help bamboozle your family with my impeccable acting skills, but unfortunately, i do have a business to run. this weekend is a big deal for the restaurant and joon would kill me if i left him alone to handle such a thing. and besides, we all know joon can’t toast bread without having to call the fire department first,” jin laughs. you laugh softly, knowing jin had a point. poor namjoon had amazing business skills, but unfortunately that means he lacks in the cooking department. 

“i guess you’re right,” you mumble begrudgingly. 

“why not ask jimin if he can go?” jin asks, sliding the chopped vegetables into a pot.

“my mom knows him, she’ll know something isn’t right. and besides, he and hobi are going to a dance camp for school,” you shrug.

“and tae? yoongi?” jin asks.

“he’s got that test retake for his photography class and yoongs has an audition for an entertainment company in gangnam,” you sigh. you’re really proud of all your friends and the successes they have, but you really wished they could’ve helped you in your time of need. but you couldn’t be that selfish, so maybe you had to admit defeat. 

“you know, you could just ask jungkook,” jin asks nonchalantly. 

“you know i can’t do that,” you answer bluntly, refusing to even entertain the idea.

“i mean, you could,” jin laughs, putting the lid on the pot and onto the stove top, turning to you afterwards.

“jin, you know i can’t. he is the last person on earth i would ask to help me. i would rather die of embarrassment than to ask him for his help,” you dramatically claim.

“you just might if you don’t ask. besides, what's the big deal? it’s only for a weekend,” jin shrugs.

“yeah, a whole weekend of him pretending to be my boyfriend. jin, we can barely tolerate each other as is, having us cooped up together and pretending like we actually like each other is a whole other ball game,” you said.

“well, here’s the way i look at it. either you tell your mother that you don’t have a boyfriend and face embarrassment at your mother's wedding, or you can suck it up, ask jungkook nicely to do you this one favor, and have fun this weekend. you never know, jungkook might actually be up for it,” jin says, an underlying suggestive tone in his voice; one that you never caught.

you had to admit, jin was right. as painful as it was, jungkook was your only chance at escaping this nightmarish weekend. 

-

you found jungkook in his usual zone of comfort: with his lips attached to some random girl he probably barely knew. you found yourself scrunching your face in distaste. such a vulgar display in a library no less. you huffed off your second doubts and approached the table with confidence. you noticed that neither party acknowledged your presence, so you knocked on the table to gain their attention. reluctantly, the girl pulled away first to throw you a bitter look.

“jeon, can we talk?” you say softly, not trying to cause a disturbance.

“i’m kind of busy, can’t it wait?” jungkook asks, a smug look on his face, the girl sat next to him donned a complacent smile on hers.

“please, i saw you making out with some bimbo blonde yesterday, i’m sure you can find some other toy to play with when we’re done,” you smirk, watching the look on the girls face fall with every passing word that escaped your lips. she glanced over at jungkook with disgust before grabbing her belongings and walking away in a fit.

“great, well there goes my whole afternoon,” jungkook scoffs. he leans into his chair, folding his arms over his chest.

“you’ll deal. look, i need your help,” you admit, much to your dismay.

“holy shit, i never thought i’d hear you say that,” jungkook laughs ironically.

“please don’t rub it in right now,” you groan.

“how can i offer my service to you?” jungkook smirks, looking up at your obviously irritated figure.

“i need... i can’t believe i’m saying this. i need you to be my boyfriend for the weekend,” you spit out.

“you what?” jungkook asks incredulously. you don’t blame him for his confusion. what you were asking was heinous, add to the fact that you two barely tolerated each other? it was the biggest taboo situation you could’ve put yourself in. but you were desperate.

your mother, as loving as she was, was relentless. she just wanted the best for you. you were about to graduate college soon, about to get a real career and be a real adult. and to her, that meant start a family as soon as possible. and that couldn’t happen without being in a relationship first. and what better way than to hook your daughter up at a gathering for family friends? cause nothing says love like a wedding, right?

“what’s in it for me?” jungkook asks. you looked at him in disbelief.

“wait, you’re actually considering it?” you asked.

“well, you gave me a proposition, so why not?” jungkook asks. 

“uh, because we’re not necessarily friends? it’s not like you owe me anything to even consider the idea,” you chuckle.

“you might not be my friend, but that doesn’t mean i’m not yours,” jungkook shrugs, finally standing up and collecting his scattered books. you hadn’t actually noticed them before, you just thought that the library was a good place for jungkook to hook up, not an actual study zone. 

“well, uh, what do you have in mind?” you asked, answering his question finally. 

“i need a date for this work thing, and my usual hookups aren't going to cut it. they’re not exactly what you would say… modest?” jungkook jokes, causing you to laugh a little bit. 

“sound like a deal?” jungkook asks after a moment of silence passes. you pretend to consider his proposition, as if you actually had a choice. you look up at him and you can see that he saw that too.

“what kind of work thing?”

=

“where are you going?” jimin asks, watching you step out of your bedroom clad in a cocktail dress. you really would’ve rather been at your shared apartment, cuddled up next to jimin and tae watching some horror film eating greasy food, but alas, you had to uphold your end of the bargain.

“remember i told you that in order for jungkook to uphold his end, i have to uphold mine? apparently, he works at some magazine company and they’re having a company gathering to celebrate the issue's 90th anniversary and he needed me to come with,” you groan, strapping on your heels. 

“you’re going all out for this,” taehyung comments, a teasing tone hidden in his words. you looked up and glared at him, knowing what he meant.

“if i put forth 100%, maybe he will too,” you say. 

“oh, he most definitely will be putting in 100% effort,” jimin says, low enough for only taehyung to hear which makes him giggle. you look up and see jimin smirking at you which makes you groan internally. 

suddenly, the doorbell rings and you thank whatever being there is that saves you from the conversation that was happening, with or without your participation. you pull the door open and the first thing you see is jungkook, properly dressed head to toe. you notice the bow tie pressed snuggly against his neck, not a wrinkle in his suit jacket or his dress shirt. his long hair was parted down the middle, brushed out out of his eye. you hated to admit it, but he looked breathtakingly beautiful. 

“wow,” jungkook finally says, eyeing you in a way that made the blood pool in your cheeks. 

“uh, yeah. let’s- let’s go,” you murmur, noticing the boys in the living room giggling at your guys’ interaction. you shove him in his chest. he grabs your hands and laughs, pulling you out the door.

“what did i miss?” jungkook asks. you roll your eyes, noticing the way jungkook held onto your hand, even after you got further and further away from your apartment, but not minding the warmth his hand provided against your cold one. 

“trust me, nothing you want to hear, and nothing i’m willing to repeat,” you scoff.

=

jungkook was right. he had warned you beforehand that everyone at his job was stuck up and snobbish and would continuously point out that fact that you were no model. and like he had forewarned, all you heard all night was “you’re too pretty not to be a model” or “jungkook ended up with you?” you were appalled, sure, but you didn’t take their words to heart. you don’t know these people, and after tonight, you’re never going to see them again. 

but jungkook flinched every time someone opened their mouth. he felt bad for you, but when he saw you delicately handle the situation, he knew you would be fine. still, it didn’t make him feel any less bad. 

“we can leave whenever you want, you know?” jungkook whispers into your ear. you look up at him and smile.

“sounds like you’re using me as an excuse to ditch this snooze fest,” you giggle. jungkook smiles back down at you and laughs with you.

“busted,” he finally says.

“thank god, let’s ditch these runway wannabes and get some pizza. i’m starved,” you groan, looking away, missing the endearing glance he tosses your way. you both ditch the stuffy building, and headed to a late night pizza shop down the corner. you sigh in relief once you step into the restaurant, inhaling the smell of cheese and dough. you both decide to seat yourselves in a booth in the corner of the dining area.  once you both place your orders, you settle into a comfortable silence. 

“so, what caused you to conjure up this boyfriend lie?” jungkook asked after awhile. 

“my mom thinks that i need to be in a relationship to be happy since i’m getting ready to enter the real world,” you sigh, rolling your eyes and leaning into your elbows that rested on the table.

“thats stupid,” jungkook scoffs, leaning into the booth. you were caught off guard by this, expecting jungkook to somewhat agree with your mother.

“you look surprised,” he says, gauging your reaction.

“i kind of am. not gonna lie, i was expecting you to agree with her,” you say, shrugging. the waiter brings your slices and leaves you two alone, settling back into the conversation.

“no way. if you want to be single, you should. i’m sure you’re single by choice anyways,” jungkook says, picking up his pizza and taking a huge bite of it.

“what do you mean?” you ask him, slightly confused behind the intentions of his sentence. 

“i just mean that you’re insanely smart, funny and talented. and you’re extremely beautiful. if you wanted any guy, you could have him,” jungkook shrugs, munching on his pizza in peace. meanwhile, his statement sent you into a frenzy. who knew jeon jungkook thought so highly of you. you were under the impression that he dispised your entire being. he never really complimented you before, so his statement shocked you. 

“never knew you thought so highly of me,” you said, smiling to yourself. you can’t really explain it and you don’t know why, but knowing how jungkook truly felt about you made you extremely happy. 

“there’s a lot you don’t now about me,” he winks, causing you to roll your eyes and eat your pizza. and yet again, you missed the way jungkook smiled at you, enjoying your presence more than he would care to admit to. 

=

“i don’t feel like i’m ready for this yet,” you murmur, feeling your hands start to shake as you stood outside the venue. 

“you’re going to have to be, because we’re out of time,” jungkook smiles, taking hold of your hand and waltzing you two into the building. your mom had asked you to come early for a surprise so you decided to give her a surprise of your own.

“jungkook, maybe we should say you caught food poisoning and we had to leave,” you murmured as jungkook continued to drag you further and further into the building. jungkook smiled at your child-like nature and shook his head.

“we’ve come too far to give up now. let’s just rock this and get home,” he says, smiling at you. you felt a sudden urge of confidence that surges through you and gives you enough momentum to swing open the doors of the chapel hall. you were taken aback by the way the chairs are decorated with white pieces, hanging off the backs. you take notice of the pale yellow and white combo that you didn’t think would match so well. you felt happy for your mom and that she met someone who loved her so much that they were willing to do this for her to cherish the day.

“it’s beautiful,” you gape, admiring all the minute details your mother probably agonized over. jungkook admired the astonished look on your face as you practically ignored his presence to take in your surroundings. he always found you beautiful, but watching you be you while nobody was looking was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. jungkook had the biggest crush on you for as long as he could remember. and he refused to even fathom the thought of confessing to you when he knew how you felt. he knew you couldn’t stand his lifestyle, his choices that he’s made regrettably. but how else was he supposed to cope with the fact with the one person he’s allowed to steal his heart hates him. 

“ah, there you are,” a voice says from behind you two. you both turn around and you see your mom, hair curlers and full glam. 

“hi mama,” you smile, running up to her and giving her a big hug. 

“hi sweet pea,” your mama coos, swaying you both back and forth. you pull back and look behind you to see jeon smiling at the interaction. this made your heart jump for a split second before you returned back to your surroundings.

“ma, this is my boyfriend, jeon jungkook,” you smile. 

“oh my, you’re so handsome,” your mother gushes, rushing up to him and pulling him into a hug.

“thank you,” jungkook smiles, blushing slightly. you’ve never seen jeon blush before and to see him in a such a fragile state made you happy. and you couldn’t seem to figure out why. your mom finally released jeon from her clutches and she turned back to you. 

“hun, i’ve got a surprise for you. follow me,” she says, grabbing yours and jeon’s hands dragging you to what you assumed was the dressing room. there were two dresses that were covered hanging off of a clothing rack. your mom shoves you guys onto a couch and rushes over to the dresses.

“one of these beauties will be yours to wear for the wedding because… hon, will you be my maid of honor?” your mother asks, eyes full of stars that made your heart swell. you felt the air leave your lungs and your heart begin to race. you remember watching your mom struggle with love all her life, her face in a frown always. you’ve never seen your mom so happy now, and you would do anything just to see her happy. 

“ma, are you serious?” you ask, wanting to be sure this is what she really wanted. 

“of course baby,” she smiles. you jump up and hug her tightly, muttering a yes into her hair. you both squeal with delight, jumping in place like teenage girls. suddenly, another pair of arms are wrapped around you, chest pressed against your back. you managed to look up and see jungkook bouncing with you and your mom. 

“i wanted to join too,” jungkook says, his voice high pitched and filled with excitement which in response, made you giggle. you all finally stop bouncing and jungkook pulls you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you, catching you off guard. you felt your heart race and you swore his heartbeat matched yours. you brushed it off as it being the sudden activity you all had just endured.

“i’ll leave you two alone so you can try the dresses,” your mother says after she catches her breath, winking at you. 

“you’re just gonna let your daughter get undressed in front of her boyfriend alone?” you ask incredulously. 

“hon, he’s your boyfriend. i’m sure he’s seen more,” she giggles, exiting the room, leaving you with your jaw wide open. 

“can you believe this?” you ask, shocked at your mothers bold statement.

“i’ve always wondered where you get your vulgarity from,” jungkook teases, his chest causing a vibration that you felt in your back, reminding you of your close, read as nonexistent, proximity. you push yourself away and whip around to face him, catching a glimpse of him trying to fight the smile that tried its best to take place on his delicate features.

“i’m not vulgar and you’re not watching me change. however, i do need an opinion on the dresses, so i guess you can stay,” you say, walking past him to try on the dresses. you snatch both of them of the rack and head into the bathroom, changing into dress number one. 

at first you thought it was a joke, the frills and exotic colors making your eyes hurt from how loud it was. you tried it on anyway, and you couldn’t believe how ridiculous you looked. no way your mother was being serious when she picked this dress out. you unlocked the bathroom door and stopped your way to where jungkook was sitting on the couch, playing on his phone. you clear your throat to capture his attention and you nearly explode with the laughter with the way his eyes widen and face drops.

“what do you think?” you ask him, twirling around in the godforsaken dress you know your mother probably bought as a joke. 

“i think the longer you look at it, the worse it gets,” jungkook says, a dumbfounded look on his face. you withhold your laughter and stare at him in distaste.

“yeah like your face,” you scoff, playing with the dress as if you actually admired it. 

“are you gonna wear that?” he asks, secretly hoping you’d say no so he could release a breathe he didn’t know he was holding. 

“well, i like it, don’t you?” you say, continuing to pretend like you actually were considering wearing this deafening dress. 

“uh.. if you like it then… sure,” jungkook says, shifting in his seat. you admired the fact that he was trying to cater to your feelings and for some reason it made your heart race at the thought. you don’t know whats been going on with you lately but every kind gesture has made your heart race with excitement. you didn’t know when it happened, but you started looking at jungkook as more and it scared you. you couldn’t be with him. you knew that. jungkook had a reputation, and he was proud of it. he was proud of the amount of women he could pull in one night. hell, in one hour. he was used to the idea that feelings were a concept he wasn’t willing to understand or try out. and you had to accept that.

“i’m messing with you gukkie. my mom probably bought this as a gag, the real dress is still in its cover,” you say laughing at jungkooks face that was contorted into one of discomfort. you leave him to relish in your teasing as you retreat back to the bathroom to change into the actual dress. you could still hear jungkook laugh to himself as you unzipped the dress to change into the other one. little did you know, he was laughing to himself about the nickname you gave him. he’s never had a nickname he actually enjoyed before. he was still lost in the thought of you calling him gukkie forever when you finally exited the bathroom.

he always thought those scenes in cheesy rom-com teen films where the guy is staring at the girl like she’s the only one that matters was cliche. but he was wrong. so very wrong. watching you in the tight floor length pale yellow dress that just made you glow knocked all the air out of his lungs. you’re hair that was in a messy ponytail allowed some pieces of hair to frame your face as you continued to fumble with the dress.

“it’s a little longer than i thought, but it fits well, yeah?” you say, still looking down at the gown. you honestly felt ridiculous. you rarely dress up like this. you hid your body underneath baggy clothing so to have something so tightly pressed against your body made you severely insecure. the silence coming from jungkook made everything worse. you looked up to see jungkook leaning forward, elbows resting on his thighs, hands holding his head up. there was a look in his eye you had never seen before and it made your stomach churn with excitement.

“that bad huh?” you joke, hoping to ease some of the tension that was building in the room. jungkook stands to his feet and approaches you, his body so close to yours you could feel the heat radiating off of his body. 

“you look beautiful,” jungkook says, smiling down at you. you feel yourself blush and begin to fumble with your fingers, a nervous tic jungkook found absolutely adorable. jungkook was helplessly in love with you, this much he knew. from the way you laughed, to the way you rolled your eyes in his presence. he loved the way you gave yourself wholly to the ones you cared about, willing and able to do any and everything for the people you love. he loved the way you strived to work hard and how incredibly intelligent you were. and suddenly, his heart was full with all the love he was dying to give you, but know he never could. because you deserved much more than some player who was willing to sleep with anything with legs. but if he could at least pretend like the love between you two was real, even if for a short while, he’ll take it. as desperate as he was, he wanted to know what it felt like to have you love him back. even if he knew it was all pretend. 

“jungkook, i can’t thank you enough for doing this. i know you would rather be in some girls bed trying to figure out a way to sneak out without her noticing, but i’m glad you’re here… with me,” you smile, hands gripping his bicep’s to keep him close. his cologne was hypnotizing, causing you to pull him closer and closer.

“there’s no place i would rather be,” jungkook said honestly, placing his hands onto your waist, allowing you to lean in. 

“you don’t mean that,” you scoff, smiling and rolling your eyes, getting ready to pull yourself back from a dangerous territory. jungkook stops this from happening, wrapping his arm around you til your pressed flush against his body. 

“you have no idea how bad i want you. all of you. mind, body and soul. but for right now, for the sake of our friendship and the momentum its growing, i will take you in whatever way you will allow me to have,” jungkooks says, forehead pressed against yours as he wills himself to hold back from pressing his lips against yours and taking you on the small couch in the dressing room. the words jungkook spoke so honestly made you shake from it’s intensity. 

“jungkook i--” 

“how’d the dress fit?” you mother asks, barging into the room. you and jungkook scramble apart from one another, him taking seat on the couch and you standing in front of him. you mother misses the way you two seemed highly unfocused and nervous as she coos over how adorable you look in the right dress. 

“you need to finish getting your hair and makeup done, so scooch along so me and your beautiful boyfriend can get to know each other,” your mother says shoving you out of the room and directing you to where the other bridesmaids were getting their hair and makeup done. it wasn’t until you were sat in the chair that you realized.. your mother and jungkook were alone. oh boy. 

=

you never felt so girly in your life. your hair was curled and put up in a half up half down situation, your makeup light and barely noticeable, but enough to tell you were wearing it. this wasn’t you, you didn’t like wearing makeup mainly because at the end of the day you forget to take it off and causes acne. you were working part time and went to school full time so you always left your hair in a ponytail or a bun. this look was new for you and you were kind of excited yet nervous for jungkook’s reaction. 

you surprised yourself with the thought, not really caring about jungkook’s opinions before, but now it was all you could think of, and that scared you. you knew this was just a favor he was owing to you, but he was really going above and beyond and it warmed your heart. but you had to remind yourself that you were just friends, nothing more. hell, you were barely friends. had it not been for you incessant need to prove yourself to your mom, you two would’ve never even became cordial with one another. 

you brush these thoughts aside, trying to manifest positive vibes for such a joyous occasion. you leave the dressing room, filled with chatter, in search of jungkook who may be suffering your mother’s constant conversation. you return back to the room you first were in when you arrived, catching your mother exiting the room. 

“you didn’t scare him off, did you?” you tease, hugging your mom. 

“honey, you look beautiful!,” your mom gushes, taking in the sight of her daughter. you smile and thank her, happy that she was happy.

“is he still in there?” you ask, nodding towards the door she came out of. she giggled and placed her hands on your shoulder. 

“he is, and he is absolutely in love with you,” she smiles, causing you to furrow your eyebrows.

“what do you mean?” you ask, your heart starting to race. 

“the way he talks about you, the way his eyes gleam with love with the mere thought of you. hunny, this man is undoubtedly in love with you,” she smiles. you couldn’t believe what you were hearing, there was no way that jeon jungkook, the university playboy, is in love with you. you two barely conversed without an argument taking place. you doubt he knew anything about you, despite you two running in the same circles. sure, you knew a lot about him, just because your friends talked about him a lot and it was hard not to listen to sometimes. 

“you’re crazy ma. you need to finish getting ready, the weddings going to start soon,” you laugh, trying to brush off the conversation. 

“jungkook is in there getting ready, one of robert’s groomsmen caught food poisoning so he’s gonna walk down the aisle with your cousin, sam,” she said, rushing off to get ready, leaving you no room to reply. this wasn’t what he signed up for and you felt bad, so you went into the room to check on him. you caught him standing in front of the vanity, trying to finish off his tie. you had seen jungkook dressed up before, but there was something different about this time. you felt something more for him, and honestly, you always have. but his reputation…

“looking sharp,” you smile, looking up at him. his eyes meet yours in the mirror and he smiles, and this time you see it. the love your mother was talking about.

“you look beautiful, as usual,” he says, his charm peeking through. you scoff at his comment, walking up to him. you seemed small compared to him, and it was kind of an odd sight for you. you leaned your head against his shoulder, just staring at him staring at you through the mirror. 

“something on your mind?” he asks, noticing how lost in thought you were. you focus in on him and the surroundings around you.

“my ma said something interesting earlier that’s got me thinking is all,” you say, hoping he wouldn’t press the issue much further. you didn’t want to make the air awkward or uncomfortable by trying to involve feelings, but a big part of you want to know how he feels from his own lips. 

“what did she say?” he asked, his nerves jumping. he didn’t say anything wrong did he? he tried to be as cordial and respectful as possible, wanting your mother to like him. if things were to happen in the future, he didn’t want to be on bad terms with your mother. 

“she said… she said that you love me?” you murmur, you heart caught in your throat now that the truth was out there and you can’t take it back. jungkook froze, caught off guard by your confession. he wanted to play it off like it wasn’t true, that your mother was delusional. but he knew the truth. and he knew that you also knew it too. he wanted you. he’s always wanted you. and now, he’s presented with the opportunity to have you in any way he wants and he can’t make the move to move forward.

“is it true?” you ask, trying to get a clear and concise answer. you’re not sure what’s going to happen, regardless of what his answer is, but the anxiety of not knowing is starting to kill you. you shouldn’t be forcing him to confess, but now that it was out there in the air, you couldn’t take it back. maybe you should tell him?

“if you’re not comfortable talking about it it’s o--”

“i love you,” he blurts, interrupting you. you pick your head up off of his shoulder and now you’re standing side by side, staring at him through the vanity mirror. you’re frozen, unsure of what to do now. you didn’t actually think he was going to say it. you thought your mother was pulling your leg. but she didn’t know that you two weren’t actually a couple and maybe that’s why you had hoped what she said was true. 

“did you hear me?” he asks, voice laced with nerves. he couldn’t even begin to explain the amount of fear and vulnerability he was feeling at the moment. he meant it. he loved you. but why should you believe him. he was a playboy, and though you may never understand his reasons as to why he tried so hard to escape you by sleeping with other people, he wanted nothing more for you to believe him now. 

“i did,” you whisper, afraid that the sound of your beating heart was louder than the words you spoke. you wanted him, god you wanted him, but you were scared that his words were from false bravado. a heat of the moment feeling that was fleeting. 

“i know you might not believe me, and you have every right not to. but i love you with my entire being and.. it’s scary,” he chuckles, trying to explain his emotions to the only person he’s ever been vulnerable with. 

“and like i told you earlier, for the sake of us finally gaining friendship, i will play it to your pace and whenever you’re ready, let me know. because i’ll be here,” he smiles. he turns to you, leaning down and placing a gentle kiss to your cheek before walking out of the room, leaving you confused as to what the hell just happened.

_______

an: part two? let me know :)

[sometimesrosy]

Tagged by @tracylorde thank you! and i’m glad you’ve come over to the dark side of writing fanfic too.

1. what is your most popular fic by kudos? comments? bookmarks? are they all the same?

kudos Proof Canon AU fake marriage where Bellamy and Clarke must marry to secure an alliance. This one has a lot to do with Clarke helping Bellamy recover from his trauma and learn to believe that he deserves love and happiness. Not slow burn. They get busy right away. And it causes problems.

comments Got You A series of interlinked story prompts set in canon AU after season 3. No second apocalypse. It’s mainly about how Bellamy is helping Clarke recover from her trauma and stop being afraid to love. Slow burn. A bit of angst in there that I think is why the comments are tops. Everyone freaked out. It was awesome.

bookmarks: The Air Is Fine Up Here This is an Ark AU set 5 years after the show, but in a world where The Ark’s air system is fine. It’s the political environment that is destructive. Second children are not illegal they are just shunned. Clarke is a doctor with an illegal clinic in Factory, and she meets Bellamy because he is doing gladiator fights to earn money to support Octavia. It’s pretty plot heavy. It was nominated for a best Ark AU on bellarke fanfiction awards a couple years back, so it was my most popular for a long time, but the others have caught up.

2. do you have a favorite of your fics? if not, do you have one you’re most proud of? why?

Coming Home, which is a modern AU with a divorced Clarke and professor Bellamy, where she comes back to her college town and discovers who she is again surrounded by her friends. So it’s got some themes of the show. I wanted to think about what kind of “apocalypse” would be that devastating in the real world. So I made it this kind of divorce/abuse thing. But it’s not about the divorce, it’s all about the recovery. So it’s not personal at all. (okay it is. although it’s still entirely fictional, not a memoir in the slightest.) I’m also really proud of the bit of humor in this. 

3. what fandom/ship (if you write for more than one) is your favorite to write for?

The 100 Bellarke

4. do you have any fics that got more popularity/attention than you expected? if so what were they?

Contracting and Expanding, this weird little child birth fic that I wrote because I was frustrated that women and girls don’t seem to understand what childbirth is really like. Like it’s this kind of open secret, and it’s so romanticized sometimes. I added a second chapter to wrap it up over a year later. I’ve never really understood why it is one of my most popular one shots. 

5. where do you get your ideas/inspiration from? do you have a fic that you feel is particularly unique in that area?

I have a WAY different path to fanfiction than most of you. It wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. There was no internet. I started writing fantasy and science fiction when i was 15, but it was all original because I didn’t know of this concept. And there was certainly no community for it. Nowadays I think writers build their chops with fanfiction, explore, experiment. When I got to fanfiction, I’d already been through that stage and was taking my writing SO SERIOUSLY. Fanfiction let me get the fun back, and lowered the artificially high stakes that I had created in my head. Writing is so psychological and the writing process is basically a writer fighting the demons in their head in order to get words on a page. Fanfiction was like a big FU to my demons, because I was going to enjoy writing again.

Most of my writing inspiration comes out of my history, my reading, my curiosity, my questions. Me. I’ve been such a Fantasy/Scifi geek for so long though, that a lot of it is based on that. Fanfiction, though, allowed me to write general fiction, without the pretension of literary fiction, which going to school for English/Creative Writing had conned me into thinking was the only deserving writing (screw you academia.) Ha. I actually wrote about Clarke as a professor and Bellamy as a student in Academic. Be aware, I was not an academic. I got out of college and started waiting tables so I could be a writer/artist. Ha. Like in The Arkadias/Just Having Fun Clarke/Bellamy povs for the same story. Okay. So my inspiration either comes out my real life or out of my scifi/fantasy reading. Or wish fulfillment and my love of fake marriage tropes ala The Carriage House.

6. do you have a favorite character to write POV for?

honestly it alternates between Bellamy and Clarke. I suppose I might have more from Clarke’s pov. I’ve never checked.

7. what’s your favorite sidepairing to include?

Raven and Wells maybe. I don’t do too many side pairings. I’m more into the platonic friendships.

8. do you have a fic you feel is underrated in comparison to your other fics? or you just wish more people would read?

Maybe Moonshine. Because I turned it into an original novel that I’m still working on and I really like it, but I can’t blame anyone because I left it unfinished it when I decided to adapt it. But it’s like a preview of my novel.

9. what’s something you would go back and change in one of your fics?

I think I did go back and change an Echo ex Bellamy girlfriend to Gina. 

Oh wait. I would have made everyone older in The Valley, part 1. It started out as a soulmate HS witches AU, but I tried to explain the sharing skin marks and it got pretty dark and very sexual. It’s the most sexual of all my fics, and I think it’s a little icky that she’s only 18. I like the concept but the HS thing was a mistake. Just like I don’t think I should try for writing smut, I also don’t think I should try for YA fic. I’m just not a YA writer. Or maybe it was the wrong story to try on. I had to drop that story. It went down a path that was more complicated than anticipated.

10. what is your favorite sort of comment to receive on a fic?

It’s kind of cool when people take quotes from the work and talk about what they meant or how they affected them.

11. what are your favorite genres of fic to write? (e.g. modern au, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, etc.)

oh, sometimes I feel the need for Modern AU fluff ( a lot actually) but my favorite is probably Science Fiction, like not post apocalyptic, but space.

12. what are your favorite tropes to write?

Hands down, fake marriage/dating. Canon AU. Modern AU. Space AU. I’ve got a fake marriage for all. I’ve got a MULTI FIC fake marriage for all. And I’m not sorry.

13. do you write fics similar to what you enjoy reading or completely different? both?

The science fiction and the canon au is similar to what I used to enjoy reading IRL. But I’m in a phase of reading very gentle fiction. Fluff and easy reading. Comfort reading, so what I mainly read in my fanfiction is modern AU fluff fics.

14. what’s your writing process like?

My fic writing is a lot less planned out that my original novel writing. Probably because I already have the characters straight in my head and if I’m doing canon, I have the world too. 

So what happens is I get an idea that excites me. It starts spinning around in my head and I want to see what would happen if I put Clarke and Bellamy in that world. Sometimes I have an idea about where it ends up. Sometimes I don’t have any idea (except for Bellamy and Clarke always get together, but i may not know how.)

Then I go with the inspiration and write furiously for however long. When I’m posting a chapter every day or three? That’s this phase. Then I hit a snag. I’ve run out of inspiration or doubts have infiltrated my story or I don’t know where the plot goes next or life has gotten messy and ruined my focus, or maybe the story just got complicated and I need to work out the snag. My pace slows down. I start taking on other projects, writing or otherwise. I figure out the snag and work my way back into the story (or occasionally) I decide that story is either too complicated and drop it, or I decide that I’ve actually finished the story and need to wrap it up. 

15. multi-chapter, oneshot, or drabble?

Multi-chap. At heart, I’m a novelist and I have a hard time not thinking about how the tropes got to be the way they were in the story, so I build a world around them and create things to make them more logical or deal with cause and effect. And I also have a hard time leaving short stories the way they are, without continuing with what comes next. Sometimes when I read one shots or drabbles, I really don’t understand how the fic writers can simply not write what comes next. How do you keep yourself from continuing? My urge is to keep exploring the characters, story and world. I have finished multichaps that I could keep going with, but I have moved on to other stories.

16. if someone was only going to read one of your fics, which would you want them to read?

That’s a hard one. I think each one has something different to offer and I like them all. I put so much effort into the multichaps so I’m going to stick with one of those and pick the one I’m writing right now. Into Eden. It’s a space colonist AU and is turning out to be my longest fic ever and I think I’d count it as a novel. It will have a beginning, middle and an end, and there’s quite a bit of world building and conflict. It’s a fake marriage/mail order bride where Bellamy is the bride. If I can take a trope and put my personal spin on it so it’s a unique story, that’s what I’ll do. And that’s what I am trying to do here.

i’m really bad at tagging and this is why i don’t often do these things. it gives me anxiety so I’m only tagging a couple and if i missed you and you want to do it, please pretend that I tagged you because I actually want to hear EVERYONE do this. I think this stuff is interesting and it’s always good to think about your writing and your process. @mareebrittenford @marauders-groupie @the-ships-to-rule-them-all 

for ease, the questions are copied blank, after the jump. (good idea kat)

1. what is your most popular fic by kudos? comments? bookmarks? are they all the same?

2. do you have a favorite of your fics? if not, do you have one you’re most proud of? why?

3. what fandom/ship (if you write for more than one) is your favorite to write for?

4. do you have any fics that got more popularity/attention than you expected? if so what were they?

5. where do you get your ideas/inspiration from? do you have a fic that you feel is particularly unique in that area?

6. do you have a favorite character to write POV for?

7. what’s your favorite sidepairing to include?

8. do you have a fic you feel is underrated in comparison to your other fics? or you just wish more people would read?

9. what’s something you would go back and change in one of your fics?

10. what is your favorite sort of comment to receive on a fic?

11. what are your favorite genres of fic to write? (e.g. modern au, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, etc.)

12. what are your favorite tropes to write?

13. do you write fics similar to what you enjoy reading or completely different? both?

14. what’s your writing process like?

15. multi-chapter, oneshot, or drabble?

16. if someone was only going to read one of your fics, which would you want them to read?

[moleasia4-blog]

Paleo Chocolate Avocado Cake with Coconut Flour

Just wanted to let you know that this rich, deep paleo chocolate avocado cake with coconut flour is sponsored by my friends over at Enjoy Life Foods!

This Chocolate Avocado Cake Recipe is SO fluffy and moist you’ll never believe it’s butter and oil free! The BEST healthy chocolate cake!

PIN Paleo Chocolate Avocado Cake with Coconut Flour

Is there really anything better than that moment where Mom let you lick the beaters after she made frosting as a child?

And, liiike, since we’re adults and can make our own life choices, we get to lick the beaters WHENEVER we want. We could even make a bowl of just frosting and call it dinner if we so pleased.

Which – spoiler alert – you’re going to want to do when the CREAMY swirls of the RICH, deep and INTENSE chocolate ganache, crowning the top of this FLUFFY chocolate cake, dance across your taste buds.

Internet friends, I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves though. While I love a good bowl of frosting situation, it’s probably the wisest life-choice to actually have something to put aforementioned bowl of frosting on, don’t you think?

Of course, a spoon OR your finger could be considered “something to put it on” but we’re pretending that we’re more civilized than that for just a second.

Have you ever heard the saying “you can’t please everyone, you’re not an avocado?” I wholeheartedly believe that truer words have NEVER been spoken so this AVOCADO chocolate cake? PLEASING ME! Pleasing YOU!

Baking with avocado is pleasing everyone in the world who likes cake which is, well, EVERYONE of the universe.

Make your day better with a slice of oiless #paleo chocolate avocado cake! @enjoylifefoods #EatFreely #Glutenfree #DairyFreeClick To Tweet

Confession time though:  I told you on Instagram last month that I don’t really like chocolate cake.  Just like paleo banana bread, it just has this weird texture to me and I haven’t been able to get past it for all almost-28 years of my life.  I was that sad girl at birthday parties, sitting in the corner wishing she could partake in the chocolate birthday cake situation with all the other kiddos but, alas, I was forced to be a chocolate-cake-hating-outcast.

Painful memories my friends.  Also, memories that are not true.

I just wanted to see if you would believe me.

However, when I tell you that THIS avocado cake recipe was the ONE to make me fall HEAD OVER TASTE BUDS in love with the tender, FLUFFY and PERFECTLY indulgent chocolate + cake combo, you had BEST believe me.

I’m thinking it has something to do with the DOUBLE dose of Enjoy Life Foods Baking Chocolate, which I fell in love with when we made that chocolate vegan crepe cake, swirling between all T-H-R-E-E (!!) layers of cake and deeply-intense WHIPPED CHOCOLATE GANACHE. <– Which is exactly like what you would imagine eating little chocolate-y clouds would be like.

All their products are allergy friendly Non-GMO, gluten free and made with natural ingredients!  I LOVE their chocolate because it’s deliciously dairy-free and comes in a few different sizes <– OBSESSED with the mega chunks. Liiike, one as a snack to end the day? PURE. BLISS

The semi-sweet chocolate in the paleo chocolate avocado cake with coconut flour adds a little dose of much-needed sweetness to all the dark cocoa going on, while the dark morsels just melllllt into the CREAMIEST, dreamiest ganache that you could ever even think about in your chocolate-loving brain.

Before you even ask, NO you cannot taste the avocado in this paleo chocolate avocado cake with coconut flour. Like the paleo German chocolate cake, this avocado blends into each nook and cranny, adding a HIGH LEVEL of moistness and a little bit of denseness.

Almost like a cross between a brownie and a paleo gluten free chocolate cake.

Do yourself a favor and try a slice of paleo chocolate avocado cake with coconut flour right from the fridge. The chilly fridge action does this crazy addicting thing, making the cake just a touch denser and it’s just TOO GOOD FOR WORDS.

Dense. DEEP. DELICIOUS.

Chocolate cake for the SOUL.

Other Recipes You Might Like:

Healthy Chocolate Chip Avocado Cookies

Strawberry Gluten Free Chocolate Cake for Two

Coconut Flour Chocolate Paleo Mug Cake

Paleo Chocolate Avocado Cake with Coconut Flour

This Paleo Chocolate Avocado Cake with Coconut Flour is SO fluffy and moist you'll never believe it's butter and oil free! The BEST healthy chocolate cake!

Total Time 1 hour 30 minutes

Ingredients

For the cake:

1 1/2 Cups VERY ripe avocado, mashed (360g)

3/4 Cup Full fat coconut milk

1 1/2 Cups Coconut sugar

9 Eggs, separated (at room temperature)

1 1/2 Tbsp Vanilla

1 Cup + 2 Tbsp Coconut flour, sifted (99g) *

1 Cup + 2 Tbsp Tapioca starch (135g)

3/4 Cup Cocoa powder (make sure its not lumpy)

1 1/2 tsp Baking soda

1 1/2 tsp Salt

6 Oz Enjoy Life Foods Semi-Sweet Mega Chunks, Finely chopped

For the ganache: **

1 1/2 Cups Full-fat coconut milk

3 Tbsp Honey

12 Oz Enjoy Life Foods Dark Chocolate Morsels

Instructions

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line 3 9-inch cake pans with parchment paper on the bottom, rubbing the sides generously with coconut oil.

Place the avocado and coconut milk into a food processor (I used a small, 3-cup one) and blend until VERY smooth.  Place into a large bowl.

Add in the coconut sugar, egg yolks (make sure the whites are in a separate bowl) and vanilla and beat, using an electric hand mixer, until well combined.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the coconut flour, tapioca starch, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt.  Add it into the wet ingredients and blend on low speed until combined. Fold in the chopped chocolate.

Clean the beaters off VERY well and beat the egg whites until they form stiff peaks, about 5-6 minutes. Fold them into the batter a little bit at a time, very gently.  You want no white streaks to remain.

Divide the batter evenly between the prepared pans and bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 25-30 minutes. Let cool COMPLETELY before frosting.

To make the frosting:

While the cake bakes, pour the coconut milk and honey in a large pot and set it on medium heat. When the milk looks like it is JUST about to boil (do not let it boil) remove from the heat and add in chocolate morsels. Let stand for 30 seconds, without stirring the chocolate.

After 30 seconds are up, gently whisk the chocolate into the milk until it's smooth and well combined.  Pour into a bowl, cover the top with saran (allowing the saran to stick right to the chocolate so it doesn't develop a skin in the refrigerator) refrigerate until it's cool to the touch, but still a little bit liquid - about 1-2 hours.

Once the frosting is cooled, use an electric hand mixer to whip it until it just begins to lighten in color and just holds its shape - only 30 seconds or so. It thickens up quickly! If it thickens too much, you can always pop it in the microwave for a few seconds.

To assemble:

Place your cake bottom-side up on a pedestal. Spread a lightly heaping 1/2 cup of the ganache on top and repeat with a second layer (using an offset spatula will help A LOT!)

Place the final layer on top and spread a thin coat of ganache all over the cake - this is the crumb coat. Refrigerate until the crumb coat feels set, about 30 minutes.

Spread the remainder of the ganache all over the cake.

Recipe Notes

* as with all GF baking, please weigh your flour to ensure results

** This ganache is enough to cover the cake without the dripping effect like the photos, you will need about another 1/2 of the amount if you want to achieve that look.

THIS POST IS SPONSORED BY MY FRIENDS AT ENJOY LIFE FOODS. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO CONTINUE CREATING GREAT CONTENT FOR YOU BY SUPPORTING PARTNERSHIPS WITH SUPER-FAB BRANDS THAT FOOD FAITH FITNESS LOVES TO WORK WITH! AS ALWAYS, OPINIONS REMAIN 100% MY OWN!

Stay in touch with Enjoy Life Foods on social media for more delicious ideas! Facebook/Twitter/Instagram

Nutrition Facts

Paleo Chocolate Avocado Cake with Coconut Flour

Amount Per Serving

Calories 586 Calories from Fat 289

% Daily Value*

Total Fat 32.1g 49%

Saturated Fat 18.7g 94%

Polyunsaturated Fat 1.3g

Monounsaturated Fat 4.5g

Cholesterol 139mg 46%

Sodium 376mg 16%

Potassium 288mg 8%

Total Carbohydrates 75.9g 25%

Dietary Fiber 9.6g 38%

Sugars 49.4g

Protein 10.9g 22%

Vitamin A 5.4%

Vitamin C 4.4%

Calcium 82.2%

Iron 32.1%

* Percent Daily Values are based on a 2000 calorie diet.

(per 1 slice, based off the cake making 12 slices)

STAY IN DA KNOW WITH THINGS GOING ON AT FFF (AND GET SPECIAL BEHIND-THE-SCENES INFO) BY FOLLOWING ALONG ON PINTEREST, FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!

Source: https://www.foodfaithfitness.com/paleo-chocolate-avocado-cake-with-coconut-flour/

[janiklandre-blog]

Thursday, March 16, 2017

9:40 a.m. very cold   Ken, oh Ken, why did you have to die - once again I'm struggling with this here weird computer - used by the Chinese for their loud movies - I want to get the Asus - it could be ordered on line if we could figure out which model I need - but then it still has to be programmed and I have no one - this get so complicated -

Plaint number one for the day. Plaint number two - roads for cars in perfect condition - I ventured on Third Avenue to 8th Street - good condition - on 8th street an area untouched, later on Second Avenue where the explosion was, half a block untouched, street crossings treacherous - while the cars are happily zooming along

Plaint number three - not a soul to talk to in the morning. I wake up, get up in an empty apartment - and yes, there are lots of peole with house mates they detest who would envy my privacy - still it is a lot more natural to share living space with some one you can talk to. Sometimes talk on my way out to Security (many women stop there at length and pour their hearts out - not very fair to Gloria who has been there since midnight at minimum wage and now may lose the job because management has decided to change agencies - and we have to deal with nothing but new faces) - anyway, Gloria was on her phone. Then I sometimes these days talk a bit to the woman at Moishe's bakery - her family came from the former Yougoslavia - she knows nothing at all about the history of the country, not even where her family came from, she does not talk to her mother, has raised two daughters as a single mother and lives on Lake Hopatcong in New Jersey, a 40 minute drive - and she says, she does not sleep. Sometimes she enjoys me telling her a bit about the country where she was born - but now she has taken to video games.

And this here my house is weird. I think there are ten apartments on my floor - many now occupied by Chinese - one woman doing her exercise walking up and down the hall and telling me long stories in Chinese - I've never been in any one's apartment - have exchanged a few words with a couple of women who I believe are 100 years old - in great shape - zero interest in talking. By now I have talked to half a dozen others - they all hate each other - and I have little to say to them. Yes, this here noisy, overheated apartment has allowed me to stay in Manhattan - now surrounded by people who happily pay $3000 for a strudio - no idea how they all make this kind of money - and so aware of the 3000 people closed waiting list for an apartment in my house - alas, you have to be Chinese to get in - still - most of the half dozen women with whom I exchange a few words call the house a prison and complaints galore - and I must admit, I too, am beginning to feel a yearning for more "normalcy".

There are in New York those normally occuring old age settings - where people moved at a young age into one of the few houses with a decent land lord - best a land lord who also lives in the house - their rents are rent controlled or stabilized - affordable - and they have become friends over the many years, raised kids together - on my block here there is a lovely woman, with a lovely husband - I believe it was her father in law who bought the house when these houses went for the proverbial peanuts, and this here was a high crime area - he was a lawyer and started an organization GOLES Good Old Lower East Side - it still exists - and when he was till alive three generations lived in the house - now his son and daughter in law and a son of their's and his family, lovely young kids - enough room - separate apartments - for everybody and these houses also in their court yards have large gardens - yes, in theory - when Robert an I got married in 1956 we easily could have bought such a house - but instead lived the unwise life that we lived - Robert died, I am still around living in this here government supported housing and our sons fled the city.

The people in Manhattan living in ideal situations are more the exception than the rule. Even on these icy days I find them hovering in corners on the street - countless have fled Manhattan - and of course with Trump who knows what the government will be up to and silently I am counting my days here - already very nostalgic for the city where I've spent close to 60 of my soon 85 years - I do know I would miss the city terribly. Still - I have to be prepared - giving the matter some thought - did not pick up the applications for similar housing in the area where my sons live - tell others "keep dreaming" - while I still am dreaming of conditions of my dreams.

One of my files somewhere in the external drive is called "Laments" - over the years I've gathered a lot of laments. Laments, laments.

In the meantime - yesterday - I did enjoy writing this here blog - appreciated by some, less appreciated by others who tell me they put their laments, plaints, thoughts into private journals that they plan to burn - of course Kafka famously asked for his works to be burned but you better do it yourself, while alive.. I, as one of the great believers in our subconsciousness - thanks to Freud - do see the subconscious around me at work everywhere - and while I am unlikely to see these journals published - I think there is a good chance they will be. I at this point picture most of my still extant writing in a dumpster - with the very unlikely chance of someone climbing into it and finding a treasure trove. So, I am sending this here out happy for the readers it finds - happy for those with the time and inclination for a comment - letting me know they read some of what I wrote - and even found it amusing!

The sun is shining - if only the streets were not so forbidding. Yesterday I ventured out - one of my many medical obligations these days was to get my doctor to certify I am in good health for the upcoming cataract op - she is wonderfully available and I also told her - called and was told come - decided on the bus 103 on block up and stopping outside her office - alas - it rarely comes. I stayed in the street - no way of climbing over the mountain of snow, leaned against a cop car, an SUV - two women cops came - and offered to give me a ride! Does happen more and more often. Came to the doctor's office, no wait, she quickly checked off how healthy I am (other than the dysfunctional gait) - my blood pressure thanks to the pills I believe cost me my teeth fine - and - my heart spiking less than it used to. She had wanted me to see a cardiologist which I never did - some things still seem to repair themselves. We had a nice chat, in 15 minutes I was out, crossed the avenue, a bus came - and in less than an hour I was back to the apartment I am treasuring now in view that I could lose it.

Have a little espresso gizmo for one shot, sweeten it with Irish cream liqueur - eat a couple of cookies and fall fast asleep for an afternoon nap (alas not always) - make a pleasant call, eat some cold cereal with half and half for dinner (not the veggies I do love but only rarely cook and rarely find in the countless restaurants surrounding me - like creamed spinach, that I love - have had a package of chopped spinach in the freezer for a long time - can't quite figure out how to make it tasty) - then my friend came, got her to listen to some of my grievances, not easy, then we watched a Dutch movie Antonia - sweet. The back to the land scenario many of us in the 60's persued - only a few found. I later visited The Farm in Tennessee and have read accounts - of the large numbers who headed there - Stephen W. whom I often mention among them, he took me there in 1988 - a tiny handful have stayed. I also did read tales of horror of farm life in Bavaria - where my father's mother originated - this totally traceless woman today. I know the farm was near Passau, where Hitler was born - but I don't know the name of the village and not the name of a single relative. That farm life was very far from idyllic - my young grandmother headed for Munich, became a waitress and pregnant from my grandfather, the rich dandy from Amsterdam, whose Calvinist mother made him marry her. Also a tale. It's 11. There is the NYT to read. I've cancelled three medical appointments - said I was out of town - tomorrow the optometrist wanted to check if the eye drops I've been clumsily using had any effect - he already wanted me to come last Friday, after he had seen me on Tuesday - and by the way, my doctor yesterday suggested I go for free standard lenses - she says hardly any difference, he only makes a lot more money out of the special ones - in Africa she said they use lenses that cost 3 or 4 dollares - compared to the $1200 for the special ones. Also from Weill Cornell I got a copay bill for $93 - the doctor asserting the neuropathy I already had been told I have - now I wonder how much copay there is on the physiotherapy sessions in unpleasant cramped quarters and I don't do those exercises - hope walking that I enjoy will do some good.

In one phone call a friend told me about her friend who falls each time she goes for physiotherapy - this is in Great Barrington - then doctors call for MRI's, cat scans - of course the nyc doctors pay these sky high rents - my optometrist at 25 Fifth Avenue has two offices across the hall from each other - he must pay a fortune and of course wants to see me as often as he can and charge medicare maximum and me a copay - it all is such a sad racket - but I got to get these cataracts fixed if I want to continue driving, also it will be nice to recognize people in the street again.

Probably I should reschedule with him for next Friday, I don't want to make him angry at me. Tomorrow I hope Molly will come.

I'll venture out at noon today - but more extensive walks risk slipping on ice - and - that can be an unpleasant end - so I may stay at home. There are many things I could do - clean, put some order into much disorder - go through so much of my writing I never read - and on and on - still, I prefer going out.  I can go on the roof for some sun. May do that. Adios, Marianne