#(BECAUSE PEOPLE VERY RARELY CHAT ME UP THERE EITHER it's legit only in the recent year my theory posts finally became noticed)

[incognitowetrust]

I am a selfish person. Long incoherent rambling time.

There’s no way to get this out in a well written thing without taking fucking forever. 

But it’s something that bothers me about myself. Actually, I just wrote a thing in a Discord chat, and I’m basically gonna copy-paste the damn thing because I don’t want to rewrite the whole thing. I’ll add a bit more on than the initial thing though. 

I usually don't vent, but I'm just gonna do a small one because I feel like mentioning it to someone. A friend person I made recently is on the spectrum like me and around the same age, and she's nice and all, but I have the same problem with her that I've noticed I have with some other people, and it makes me feel awful and also annoys the fuck outta me. Her drawing style is pretty basic, and I'm happy to see people get excited about their characters but her characters aren't technically interesting, and she messages a lot and recently I did say "hey listen I'm not gonna reply to every message" because I like to be upfront about that shit just so people know... but anyway, it's hard to describe, but she falls into like a specific type of person that I can relate to and still have love for but I find myself wanting to avoid and I can't actually grow off of them. 

Like... it's awful because it reminds me of when I was like ages 13-15 and actually learning social things that other people already knew just because of me lacking friendship experience and only just having made artist friends, and I cringe at my past self but understand it at the same time, and I have to be understanding towards people because I understand what it's like to be there, and I always want to be the person I needed when I was younger. But... I mean... is it selfish to pick and choose who I "like" based on standards like... "experience" and "skills"? I mean, I often haven't been brave enough to interact with "cool" people anyway, but... fuck, I wiiish that I couuuld be liike the coool, kidsss, like the coool kiiiids.

I wonder if some of my feelings relate all the way back to elementary school, I was often paired with this one autistic girl, who I didn't have anything against (though tbh she did have some gross habits and she was hard to talk to at a young age), she and I were always the slowest in PE, always the quiet lonely kids, always the kinda pudgy and awkward girls, and I guess I felt myself pushing away from her not because I didn't like her but because of my strong sense of wanting my own identity and didn't want to always be stuck with her "just 'cuz" she was the only partner who was left over when other kids made partners.

Something that I also wonder is, well, I have an older sibling on the spectrum, but diagnosed early. I was diagnosed at 18. My parents have always tried to be fair as far as making sure we both get the attention we needed, but still, I was pretty much the older sibling because for much of our childhoods my sister and I did everything together, and I was very protective of her. The only reason I have ever punched anyone was because someone stole her glasses and I punched the girl to get them back after trying to politely reason didn’t work. We were so close, but somewhere around puberty I started breaking off from her, I became more and more hungry for my own identity, and our interests and activities grew apart as well. At this point in my life, I don’t really chat with my sister much, or do a ton of sisterly activities with her, and I think I basically avoid her because I don’t want to get mad at her for stupid little pet peevey reasons. I admit, there’s some of me that resents that I’ve had to make sacrifices because of her, I could never hum or sing because of her sound sensitivity, and nowadays sometimes I have to be the one to receive a text to relay a message to my sister because she often either doesn’t notice texts, or doesn’t have her phone on at all. I remember in 2016 in the past, it was around the peak of a shitty time in my life, a school staff member came up and asked how my sister was doing and what she was doing. I was salty and grumpy, and basically said “I don’t know” and “I don’t really care” because I’m not her damn babysitter, and if it’s SO important to ya, lady, you can probably just email her. Though, oh yeah, my sis hadn’t always checked her emails either. 

Look, I’m not gonna act like I don’t have my problematic quirks. I do take out garbage and vacuum, but I avoid problems even if I remember there’s something I’m supposed to do, and I procrastinate. It’s also very easy for me to forget or ignore something unless it’s right under my nose, but I admit, often it’s just me acting out of avoidance. 

Something that I think I’ve developed is... I have a huge want to love and be loved in return, I want to take care of people and feel like I matter to someone, but on the other hand besides my mom and a few adults rocking pulling me through life I’ve kinda picked up on behaviors of “Other people have problems. They gotta be taken care of. I should help. I am lazy and not all that troubled anyway, so I don’t need to share my problems with others.” ... I want to take care of others and be a good listener, but I resent it at the same time. I resent that while I’m out trying to take care of people, I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable and let someone take care of me. Because I also don’t want to let myself be vulnerable and rely on someone enough so that if I made a “friend” and lost them that I’d be legit hurt. 

I’m left with even more weird feelings about myself, remembering and considering things I know about my own family members now that I didn’t know the same about when I was young, like my mom, who I credit as being the most important person in my life, she’s the oldest of 5. She was really another parent. Look, I don’t care how close your family is, or how loving they are, when ya got a big family, the oldest child becomes another parent. And they lived in Saudi Arabia for a while, where at one point the family got in a bad car accident and my gramma was wheelchair bound and immobile, and though my mom lost use of one of her arms for a while she took up the brunt of a lot the taking-care-of-people work. She’s badass, but so many responsible people, as much as suffering builds character, there’s a lot that so many people like this shouldn’t of had to do. My aunt Santos (partner of one of my aunts) was the “tough” child... sure, her parents can praise her for never having to give her help, but it doesn’t matter how “normal” or how “capable” you are, everyone should be able to feel like they can be vulnerable and be taken care of sometimes. Something I’ve come to try and remember a lot is you never know what pain people are actually going through, so while I do want to take care of myself, I always ask my mom when she comes home how her day was. She’s mentioned to me in the past that as a parent there’s the dilemma of “do I show I’m troubled so my child knows I’m human and it’s okay to be upset, or do I hide my troubles for the sake of their comfort?” ... but now that I’m older, I assume this gave a lot more leeway for me to be a listener. She still takes care of me way more than I take care of her, but I do things with her and listen to her in ways that my sister doesn’t necessarily do automatically. 

I guess back to more of the original subject, I’ve actually had a friend for many years now, or at least I’ve certainly known them for many years and we became friendly a little later, she isn’t diagnosed with autism, but she still fits in the category of “nice people who I sometimes want to avoid for some reason”. It’s awful, this person has great respect for me, and we even made a couple OCs together, but I’ve had times sitting here in my chair wondering “how do I respond to this?” or “Should I feel bad I’m not as excited about this one thingy as she is?” and “Aw man I wanna talk to someone. No, not you right now. I’m being a choosing beggar.” like who the fuck do I think I am to not be loving on this person who only holds me in the highest of regards?? 

But here’s the thing I guess. No matter what, there are a few important things in friendships, or really any relationship. Communication, and mutual enjoyment. It doesn’t have to be the choice fault of one or both people that something doesn’t like up, often people just don’t line up. I mean, lots of romantic relationships end not because people hate each other but because two perfectly decent people feel hungry for something else. As long as I treat people with basic human respect, I can’t be too hard on myself can I? There’s so so many people I could choose to have as the few I have regular conversations with at a time, but I tend to fall into routines, and there’s only so much time in the day, so this impacts my social capabilities a lot. I can only talk to people how I want to talk to people on my own time. I wish I could hear everyone’s stories and carry a small piece of them around with me all the time, but it’s tiring as fuck, man. 

I want to be around people who inspire me so badly I am thrown into euphoria, the rare euphoria I only get when I have a friendly interaction with someone I didn’t think would have the time or interest to notice me. I technically have really good reading, writing, and drawing skills, but I need to push myself, I need people to bounce off of so I feel motivated to impress and not be lazy. I’m constantly starved for that stimulation and positive reinforcement. 

I’ll end this here I suppose. 

[canaryatlaw]

okay, so today was pretty good. I woke up to my alarm at 11:45 for PT, got ready and walked there. The session was fine, nothing very remarkable about it. Afterwards when I was walking home there were people from charities out canvasing which is a fairly common sight, I ended up stopping and talking to a guy from one called People’s Action who are working to end mass incarceration  and advocate for a fairer legal system (I told him up front that I was a student and had no income so I couldn’t donate, but we had a pleasant conversation anyway). We were very much on the same wavelength about things, we talked about the new DA in Philadelphia and how he was instrumental in getting Meek Mills released from prison recently, he was talking about reforms the Chicago SA has been instituting and I was telling him about the JTDC and how there were children locked up in there for sometimes over a year. They’re currently pushing for a bill that’s in the Illinois legislature to end money bail throughout the state, basically meaning if someone is arrested on a low level offense, they would be booked and processed, but then released subject to bail conditions such as ankle monitoring and such, the idea being that nobody stays in jail simply because they can’t afford to pay their way out, which is a huge reason for incarceration and the main cause behind most of the inmates at the Cook County Jail right now (note jail is different than prison, prisons don’t usually house people who are pre-trial). So he gave me the name of that legislation and how I could talk to my elected representatives about supporting it (he said he was pretty sure the rep for where I live was signed on, but it’s always good to let them know we’re supporting their position). So that was a pleasant little discussion (pleasant being a relative term, of course). So I got home and started on my baking projects for the day, one being the bread I wanted to make into cheesy garlic bread. I had bought a package of frozen pizza dough a while back, and there’s a recipe on the back to turn it into italian bread instead, and I had let the last one I had thaw out yesterday so I could cook it today, first I had to split it into two loaves and then leave it to rise for 2-3 hours, so I set that up, then started working on my caramels. It was the same recipe I used before and liked, I’ve just learned to change up the temperatures according to how I like them lol mainly leaving them on longer so they get harder and chewier, which is how I like them. there were a few potentially dicey moments when I was adding the heavy cream and butter (if you’ve ever made caramel before you know when you add the heavy cream it legit starts bubbling violently and can be rather intense) probably because I added too much too quickly, and it threatened to bubble over but eventually subsided. I then left them on until they got to like 260 instead of 240 like the recipe said before taking it off the stove and pouring it into a pan to harden, then topped it with sea salt because any good caramel has to be salted these days. It was around 4 at that point and they were supposed to sit for 3 1/2 hours, so I had some time obviously. I did the dishes in the sink, then finally started to finish cleaning my room. I had done a good bit of it last week with cleaning up the clothes that were really the main issue, but I just had a lot of other clutter and random things hanging about that I mainly stuffed either under my bed or in my closet, because those are really the only places I have to put stuff, lol. Hopefully this weekend I can get around to pulling out my clothing and deciding what I want to do with what exactly, keep it or hand, or store, or donate, so hopefully that will work out. Around 5:30 when the bread was done rising I put it in the oven, then when it was done I sliced one of the loaves open and started the cheesy garlic bread part, which is actually very easy because it’s only melted butter, garlic powder, and shredded cheese (of course you could go for the more authentic garlic flavoring by using actual garlic, but in my experience the garlic powder tastes fine). Once that was done I sat down on the couch and had some time to kill before Arrow came on, so I watched last week’s Blindspot that I hadn’t gotten around to yet. I think I only have last night’s Krypton to catch up on now, though I’ll have another Blindspot episode to watch tomorrow night, but it’s the season finale so I’m almost done with that. I’m gonna have to find some good shows to binge over the summer when all my shows are over and I need to decompress from bar studying. Soon enough after that it was Arrow time. Now, to be clear, the only reason I was watching was for Dinah Drake, Black Siren, and Sara Lance, I didn't really give a fuck about anybody else (besides like, Quentin, I guess). Oliver I really don’t give a shit about at this point, and even Felicity has become pretty meh to me because they can’t seem to write her as a character independent from her relationship with Oliver. The opening with them attacking the police prescient with the FBI was pretty bad ass, and done really well, so they get credit for that. The episode went on, I was worried for a moment that they were gonna kill off Rene when they had him call his daughter and I was like OH GOD DO NOT DO THIS TO ME so I was glad they got out of there alive. Then there was Quentin clearly only caring about getting Laurel back, and I’m sorry but I refuse to believe you can GPS track A FUCKING PACEMAKER even when I know they’ve done it with someone else on here at some point, but as soon as he said it to Oliver I was like okay that’s gonna be important so it was good that that was picked up soon. I mean, literally everyone knew they were gonna kill Quentin, and that it’d most likely be in the form of him sacrificing himself to save Laurel, so when he quite literally took a bullet for her that wasn’t really a surprise. When she called him “Dad” my heart definitely broke a little bit. Then everyone else stormed in and I was really just wanting Laurel to rip that stupid collar off her neck and scream at Diaz, but actually having Dinah come to her assist and help her get Quentin out of there was like, such a really well done moment for both of them, I loved it. Then of course there was Oliver being stupid with Diaz and not just putting a fucking arrow into him like he should’ve, like you could’ve grabbed that USB data off his neck if he stopped breathing??? We know thinking isn’t your strong suit buddy but come on. Not gonna lie, Laurel coming in and being like “oh, that movie you were talking about, it was old yeller” before literally blasting him off the building with her scream was so fucking great, I just wish it had actually killed him so we didn’t have to deal with anymore of this bullshit. If he’s actually like, a villain next season I’m gonna be pissed because he needs to just be done. Then of course we had everybody at the hospital with Quentin in ~stable~ condition going into surgery, and getting to have a nice long goodbye chat with Oliver, only for them to have Sara show up after he already went into surgery so she didn’t get FUCKING SAY GOODBYE to her FUCKING FATHER and just shows up in time to hear that he’s dead, because has the universe not dealt Sara Lance enough heartbreak already, you really gotta keep killing the people she loves???? that shit pissed me off, because it would’ve been so fucking easy for them to have her there earlier and at least get to say goodbye, this was just being unnecessarily cruel. I did appreciate that she at least got to speak to Black Siren, I would’ve liked a more in-depth conversation but it’s a start at least. I did of course feel for Laurel as well, we know she has to be dealing with a lot of grief and heartbreak based on the relationship her and Quentin had built up over the last season and him quite literally becoming a father to her. And now of course she has nobody, like who is going to help her now? the only other person who maybe would was Oliver, and OH WAIT he’s getting taken off to prison now. I mean, I guess they could have Dinah reach out to her which my DinahSiren shipper heart would adore, I would be really happy if that happened for next season, but I don’t really want to get my hopes up about it. But yeah, about that whole Oliver getting arrested thing. I know I was going on two weeks ago about how brilliant it was that they ended the case the way they did because it put double jeopardy rules into play so they couldn’t try him again, but double jeopardy doesn’t apply to federal charges (which is frankly something a lot of people, myself included, think is unconstitutional, but it’s the law for now), so he could be charged under federal statutes for crimes, however they would have to establish federal jurisdiction over the crimes, such as them occurring on federal land, or a series of other factors, because federal and state jurisdiction isn't always concurrent. It is of course very rare that federal charges are brought after someone is acquitted of state charges for the reasons I outlined above, it may not be double jeopardy by law but a lot of people view it that way regardless. They also made it really unclear as to what his situation was, like was he getting charged and going to trial or had he essentially entered a plea of some sort? I mean, if the charge is for like 35 murders (or however many they can claim federal jurisdiction for) there’s no way he’s getting an actual plea less than life in prison without parole (as opposed to the death penalty) so idk how that would work. but I really didn’t feel emotionally invested in that plot at all because I just didn’t believe the stakes, like sure he may spend a few months in prison until next season starts but we all know he’s going to get out and somehow take up his vigilante identity again. I wasn’t surprised that he went public about being the green arrow, I mean, Oliver did it in season 10 of Smallville so at this point I was pretty sure it was gonna be happening any time now. As far as the scene of him walking through the prison to his cell, that’s bullshit, because they would have him in protective custody being that like half the people in the prison want to kill him. but yeah, I guess that’s where we’re leaving off for now. I honestly really hope they make season 7 the last, it’s a solid place to end a series without it getting too drawn out (because let’s be real, it’s already being drawn out) and at this point I feel like they’re just getting close to Oliver’s narrative journey. Of course the characters can still be a part of the universe and show up in crossovers or just make cameos in the different shows, so it’s not like they'd really be going anywhere permanently. As far as the news coming out of the CW Upfronts today, I did chuckle a little at Supergirl getting moved to the Sunday night slot and Legends permanently taking over Monday (sorry SG fans) and it leading into Arrow, because that’s apparently the way they want to do things now. As far as the fact that Batwoman/Kate Kane is going to be part of the crossover next year, I can’t have much of an opinion there because I’m not terribly invested in the Batman mythos to the point where I’d really have any knowledge about her, the most I’ve really seen was watching Batman The Animated Series and of course that isn’t very much, so I guess we’ll have to see where they go with that. Someone on twitter said Legends should be leading the crossover next season, which I very much agree with, they've definitely earned it at this point. Well, once Arrow was over I just watched the Great British Baking Show Masterclass which is just the two judges making their perfect versions of the different challenges they had the contestants make in the bake off, because it’s very soft and British and does not hurt me the way the Arrowverse does, so that was pleasant, and I watched that until I started getting ready for bed. I have an early morning, it’ll be my first day at my mini internship at the DV Clinic, just on Fridays through the end of June. I would really have liked to have known about the NY job by now so I could have a better idea of how I stand there, but I guess I’ll just have to be pulling out all the stops to make myself the most useful worker that they won’t want me to leave, whether I end up needing a job or not. That’s the plan, anyway, as far as things I’ve already done there I’m pretty good at all of them, I can do OPs of course and I’ve interviewed clients, both over the phone and in person, and of course I can step up in court on status updates and such which it sounds like would be most of what I’m doing in court, so that’s all good. Well, it’s 12:30 am and I have to wake up at 6:55 am to get there by 8:30, so I really should be getting to bed now. Goodnight my loves. Happy Friday. 

[moonshroooms]

Unusual Asks

Yep, I’m in that mode again. Time to answer questions about myself that literally no one asked for :D

If someone finds this in the deep ocean blue and wants to answer the same questions, I found them here

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Pandora, I guess? But I don’t really use any of them. I only tried Pandora for a time because it told you what genre the music is, and that was how I learned I listened to completely random and unrelated songs

is your room messy or clean?

Yes.

It’s messy, but it’s only dirty clothes really? So the second we do a major Laundry Sweep it suddenly becomes clean.

what color are your eyes?

Brown baby come an get dat chocolatttte

do you like your name? why?

Yes, because it’s tomboyish. When I was younger for some reason I really liked my friend’s name Emily, and wished that was my name instead. As I got older I liked my name more and more. I also love the 30 bajillion nicknames my name comes with. And I love my nickname Moon simply because from that nickname are 30 bajillion more nicknames.

what is your relationship status?

Single and deathly afraid of romance probs

describe your personality in 3 words or less

0-100 spaz

what color hair do you have?

Black hair :3

what kind of car do you drive? color?

It’s a sentra because they get good gas mileage and I’m cheap and it’s a darkish red, cause it’s the only color they had

where do you shop?

Food Banks

how would you describe your style?

Don’t Notice Me Anyone I’m Just a Background Character

favorite social media account

I hate social media when I know people, so tumblr, because screaming into a void where I’m not known is fun. It’s like having an imaginary argument in your shower

what size bed do you have?

Twin

any siblings?

Three of them! Two half-sisters, and a half-brother, all older :3

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?    

With my friends

favorite snapchat filter?

Pfffft I’m an antisocial dweeb and never bothered with snapchat because my phone is old and I rarely take pictures of myself or share pictures of anything else I capture

favorite makeup brand(s)

I don’t wear makeup, so none VwV

how many times a week do you shower?

Once a week if I haven’t done anything that makes me gross. Maybe 3 times a week if I went jogging and got all sweaty

favorite tv show?

Steven Universe, Last Airbender, Amazing World of Gumball, Star vs.

shoe size?

6 ½

how tall are you?

5”2

… and ½

sandals or sneakers?

w a t e r  s h o e s

do you go to the gym?

No, I hate the gym. The air in there gives me a headache, everyone’s staring at you doing everything wrong, there’s people in general, and I just no. I like to work out either in the privacy of my room or out in nature (aka I started jogging at my library park and I’m very proud of myself hopefully I keep this up).

describe your dream date

A date that treats me nice and we have a good time    

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

13 bucks

what color socks are you wearing?

My skin

how many pillows do you sleep with?

Uhhhh. 2 for my head, 2 to hug, a beanie-filled duck thing, and also my cats old blanket. So like. 4 pillows if you wanna get technical, 6 if let’s be honest the duck and blanket act as pillows

do you have a job? what do you do?

I do. I clean trays and do numerous odd jobs for an oral surgeon’s office. It’s literally a part time job the employees often have their teens do. But it’s something for now

how many friends do you have?

7. The seventh one I just made recently, and it’s still sort of iffy if we’ll actively be friends. We’ve known each other for years, and she’s called me her friend before, but we’ve never like. Hung out, or talked literally ever. But I’ve always thought she seemed like a cool person and someone I wanted to be friends with, and sometime last month or so (she was staying on our couch due to family complications) I outright told her “Hey, you seem like a cool person, and I’d love to be better friends with you J” and by some miracle that WORKED. She called me a nerd for that and we’ve saw Wonder Woman with our moms. I lent her a book from the library (The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale, wonderful book, literally the first in my favorite book series!), and she’s really loving it so far! We’re gonna hang out Sunday, so hopefully we click well and I truly will have successfully made my first friend where I was the one who approached!

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

One time when I was younger I had a fight with my mom. Recalling correctly, I was upset that she ‘loved God more than me’ and during that fight she ‘let go’ and said that I was more important to her. Immediately afterwards I made her take it back, and apologized profusely, and never said anything about her feeling God was more important ever again. And she forgave me, because that’s the kind of person she is, but I still feel like shit for it, and I’m so sorry I ever made her say that, whether she meant it or not. I feel so guilty about it even today. She told me that night that she let go so she could grab onto me and save me from drowning, and that even if she had let go, God would have never let her go, and he would save the both of us. I still wish I could make it so I’d never said that.

whats your favorite candle scent?

MMmmm, I dunno. Do they have cherry blossom? Cause that one

3 favorite boy names

Devon (Deh-von), Aiden (Ay-den), and uhhhh? Naruto. (Nar-oo-toe)

3 favorite girl names

Astrid (totally from Phantom Hourglass), Anaise (yes that’s from the Amazing World of Gumball I fell in love the second I heard it), aaaaaand ermmmmmm. Buzz Lightyear

favorite actor?

Will Smith? Morgan Freeman? Yeah, let’s go with them

favorite actress?

Will Smith? Morgan Freeman? Yeah, let’s go with them

who is your celebrity crush?

Me™

favorite movie?

Bambi, Jumanji, Jurassic Park, Pirates of the Carribean

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

I do, I do!! I love Forest Born from Shannon Hale’s Books of Bayern! It’s the 4th and last book in her series, and I love it so much! I recommend it for everyone! Adventure, fantasy, a little bit of romance, fun, and honest-to-god you feel like you’re in an old folk tale the whole time. It’s all a beautiful series.

money or brains?

Brains

do you have a nickname? what is it?

Moon, Moo, Moonmoon, Moonie

how many times have you been to the hospital?

A lot for reasons

top 10 favorite songs

Fireflies by Owl City

Last Unicorn by America (yes, from the movie the Last Unicorn)

Tabi no Tochuu by Kiyoura, Natsumi (aka the Spice and Wolf Season 1 Theme)

Something Entire New from Steven Universe

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing by Set It Off

I Ship It by Not Literally (An ‘I Don’t Care’ parody, it’s hilarious and I love it, please go listen to it)

Blue Lips by Regina Spektor

Miss Jackson by Panic! At the Disco

E.T. by Katy Perry (I’m not even sure why I like this one so much, but I dooooo)

Girl with One Eye by Florence and the Machine

do you take any medications daily?

I do, antidepressants, which I started maybe 1 or 2 months ago after people suggesting I take medication for years

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Perfect™

No but I guess it’s fine? I live in a dry area, but my skin isn’t dried out at all, even before I put lotion on constantly. The crown of my forehead/my nose get a bit oily, but splashing my face every morning basically takes care of that. I feel kind of bad for saying I don’t really have any skin problems

what is your biggest fear?

My loved ones hating me, dying, or being hurt from my own inept, or me being unable to help them

how many kids do you want?

Two. One boy, one girl (or if one wants to change/be whatever gender later in life I really don’t care). One that’s mine genetically, one I’ve adopted. Before I would have preferred giving birth to a boy since Devon was always my favorite boy name (and my only favorite name period), but with my sister being pregnant recently I’ve randomly thought about girl names as well so now I’m chill with having a boy or girl first so I can name them either Devon or Anaise/Astrid. God forbid I have twins that are both boys/girls since A) twins run in my family, and B) I’m having only two kids period so if I got twin boys/girls then that’s it I’m done that’s the end for me

whats your go to hair style?

Two French braids that stay in my head for the whole week

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

It’s an apartment, so small

who is your role model?

My old cat Princess

what was the last compliment you received?

I legit don’t remember, but probably my mom telling me I’m gorgeous. Thanks mom, love you!

what was the last text you sent?

Me sending my group chat this

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

You think I put a date on that ish?? I dunno, I think I was still in my old house, so anywhere from 6-8 maybe?

what is your dream car?

A car that has no pollution/carbon footprint, runs on sunlight and electricity, and is reliable, also it doubles as a stray cat home that doesn’t kill them if I turn it on

opinion on smoking?

My entire older family (aunts, uncles, cousins, older brother/sister), smoked. My aunt is a cancer survivor and STILL smokes. My brother and sisters father died from lung cancer. My mother’s parents died from lung cancer. My father smokes (yet expects to live to 100???). My mother is probably the only person in her immediate family that was completely disgusted by smoking. My brother and sister vape now, in their attempt to quit, but my sister would take a hit of our aunts cigarettes every now and then. I hate smoking. It kills. It’s addictive. It’s a waste of your money and brain power. What’s worse is the people (like my sister and aunt), who don’t give a fuck if it will kill you down the road because, according to my sister, “once you reach like, 70, the fun parts over, now you start dying anyways”. Fuck you. What about everyone you’re leaving behind? FUCK you. If you get cancer it’s not just you that’s affected, it’s everyone you love and care about. Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your children. They don’t want to see you die like this, decrepit, and weak. They want to see you healthy, and having fun, and HAPPY. Do they really mean so little to you that you would LITERALLY KILL YOURSELF just because of a 2-minute dopamine rush? I hate people like that. I will never date someone who smokes. That is 100% a deal breaker. I will never, EVER go through what my mother went through with her husband, and what so many others must have gone through.

My opinion on smoking is that it needs to be buried, like all the people it’s already killed.

do you go to college?

I do! I just finished my first semester (just English 101 for my first semester), with flying colors! 940/1000 points!

what is your dream job?

Anything with animals and where I can make a difference in the animal community

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Rural areas. I hate the city and people

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

100% I paid a shit ton of money for this room and you don’t even provide free snacks. I brought my own shampoo/condition but you can bet your ass I’m taking all of theirs

do you have freckles?

Yes? No? Does it count if it’s like, one freckle? It’s not a cluster of freckles, but I have a lot of freckle-spots on the right side of my face, random other parts of my face, and various other parts of my body (and one where like, my dude the sun don’t shine there how’s you get there???)            

do you smile for pictures?

Absolutely!

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Currently? I dunno, 100 or so?

have you ever peed in the woods?

100%

do you still watch cartoons?

Absolutely, they’re way more entertaining than anything else anyways

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Wendy’s

Favorite dipping sauce?

Good ol’ ketchup

what do you wear to bed?

Mismatching pajamas, and gorgeous dark blue blue shirt and blue leopard spot Victoria’s Secret pajamas that came with a matching eyemask that my aunt got me for Christmas and they have a cute shirt cut, the pants make me look curvy, I look damn good in them, they’re my favorite color, and most importantly they have POCKETS and it’s literally my favorite pair of pajamas I love them

have you ever won a spelling bee?

No, but I was in a spelling bee! Literally no idea how I got in, I think the best speller of each class was just. Automatically put in? I was naturally good at spelling and randomly got in the spelling bee, was terrified of being on stage, and got my first word wrong because the fuck? How did I get in this?? I’m 9, I’m not studying for this get me off this Awful Stage stop looking at me

what are your hobbies?

Writing, drawing, video games, teasing my cats, roleplaying, and hiking if I was anywhere away from the city

can you draw?

Yes!

do you play an instrument?

Does my voice count?

what was the last concert you saw?

Hilary Duff, when I was like 12. First and only concert I’ve ever seen in my life. Almost the best night of my tiny 12 year old life, but my friend’s mom was a dick and told me to calm down when I was screaming, singing, and cheering, and I spent the rest of the concert sitting in my seat and feeling embarrassed and awkward. Who the fuck tells a 12 year old to calm down when she’s at her first concert with her best friend with their favorite artist in the world??? You’re a fucking dick biscuit, Friend’s Mom.

tea or coffee?

W a t e r

I hate both of those. Though peppermint tea is okay, not that I’d drink it outside of being sick

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks, but only for a cinnamon twist pastry thingy

do you want to get married?

I do!

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I have never had a crush for realsies, only an ‘lol I thought I had a crush but nevermind’

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

If my name sounds good with their last name, yes. If not, sorry honeycakes, I’m keeping my name. They’re more than welcome to change their last name if they so choose.

what color looks best on you?

White, black, red

do you miss anyone right now?

Princess, my old cat

And Fern and Thatcher, my best friends

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed, because I don’t want my kittens to get in. I used to sleep with it open exclusively so my old cat Princess could get in and out

do you believe in ghosts?

Sure

what is your biggest pet peeve?

Self-righteous people

last person you called

My mom’s case manager

favorite ice cream flavor?

Cookie dough without chocolate chips

regular oreos or golden oreos?

ReGuLaR

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

NO!!!!!!!!!

what shirt are you wearing?

Black superman shirt I wear for pjs

what is your phone background?

My old cat Princess

are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, unless I’m around people I’m comfortable with. Then I’m shy but a bit more sociable

do you like it when people play with your hair?

Oh god yes. I want to fall asleep if I ever have someone doing my hair and it’s at the Not Ripping Out Your Hair part. God it feels great. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a turn on for me

do you like your neighbors?

Hell no they’re all awful

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

In the morning. And “wash” is a bit formal, my face-washing is more of a splash-your-face-wake-up-you-lazy-bastard kind of washing. Sometimes I splash it a few times to wake myself up more or take some oil off the oilier parts of my face, but I rarely/never use facewash or anything. It’s just water.

have you ever been high?

Nope

have you ever been drunk?

Nu-uh

last thing you ate?

Some cheap microwave chimichanga

favorite lyrics right now

Why not let me win? – You can’t dodge forever. Even if the pain is more fun together! You know I will just reset and come back newer :) and with every try I’m getting even faster than you are.

summer or winter?

Summer, if I can actually go outside and enjoy it and am not trapped in my black scrubs all day. Winter if I can look out the window and enjoy it

day or night?

Night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

White chocolate when paired with other things, milk chocolate when by itself

favorite month?

April

what is your zodiac sign

Scorpio!

who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mom

[yahooben]

'Mass Effect: Andromeda' review: A sprawling space drama that struggles to stay on target

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ invites you to strap in for another space opera.

“Space is big,” beloved author and interdimensional traveler Douglass Adams noted in his seminal towel-seller, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” “You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big,” he wrote, hammering home the point that when it comes to bigness, even our new president has nothing on the universe.

That size presents quite a challenge to game makers, but few have hacked away at the quandary with as much gusto as developer Bioware. The team behind the blockbuster “Mass Effect” trilogy managed to capture the epic scope of the big unknown while keeping our eyes trained on the intimate interactions between characters, a space opera in its truest — and, in terms of video games, among its best — form. So when they announced a return to their beautifully realized universe with “Mass Effect: Andromeda” ($60 for Xbox One, PS4, PC), we all got very excited indeed.

But a great deal has happened since 2012’s “Mass Effect 3” simultaneously wowed and enraged gamers; namely, “The Witcher 3,” “Fallout 4,” Bioware’s own “Dragon Age: Inquisition” and a host of other genre-blending RPGs (you could arguably toss recent greats “Horizon: Zero Dawn” and “The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild” into that mix, too). Big-budget role-playing games have blossomed in the past five years.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ has the makings of a great game, but misses the mark with a number of missteps.

And unfortunately, “Mass Effect: Andromeda” picked up some unwelcome visitors on its long journey to your gaming machine. Though it has some stellar moments, “Andromeda” tries to cram too many ideas into one package, turning its obsession with the bigness of space into a crutch for uncharacteristically shoddy workmanship.

The (next) final frontier

To answer your most obvious question: no, you do not need to have played the prior “Mass Effect” games to understand what the hell is happening here. “Andromeda” tells a self-contained story featuring entirely new characters, planets and star systems, though references to elements from the original trilogy (the Citadel, the Geth, Spectre, etc.) do occasionally pop up.

The game is set roughly 600 years after the events of the original trilogy. Just as things were heating up in the Milky Way (around the “Mass Effect 2” timeframe), several giant Ark ships were launched towards the faraway heart of the Andromeda galaxy. Snuggled in cryo beds and dreaming of a new life, the adventurous souls aboard these vessels were hoping to discover habitable new worlds and plant some flags.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ sees you exploring the Andromeda galaxy for a new home. But – spoiler alert – things go very wrong.

Naturally, things go sideways. You play as either Scott or Sara Ryder, a twin thrust into the role of ‘Pathfinder’ and tasked with guiding a ragtag group of aliens in a quest to find a new home. It’s all pretty standard sci-fi stuff — a bite of “Star Trek,” a nibble of “Battlestar” — but Bioware crafts a well-told tale that rises above its derivative vibe to keep you, um, engaged throughout.

Mostly, that’s done though a tweaked version of the branching narrative structure Bioware is known for. Conversation options have expanded beyond the binary Paragon/Renegade of prior games, adding flexibility and giving you a bit more agency over your particular Ryder. Despite some nasty bad guys and extremely high stakes, it’s also significantly more lighthearted than the trilogy’s dour doomsday scenario. Regardless of how you play Ryder, he (or she) is quick to joke and seems intent on keeping the joy of discovery intact.

The dialogue system isn’t as thrilling as it used to be, however. Other franchises have taken the cue and built branching narratives with greater emotional value. “The Witcher 3,” “Life is Strange” — heck, the entire Telltale Games catalog (whose Season 1 of “The Walking Dead” bested “Mass Effect 3” in most 2012 Game of the Year Awards) have pushed the envelope of branching narrative design, making each choice feel impactful. Though your tone changes based on your responses in “Andromeda,” Ryder’s playful, at time snarky attitude takes some of the gravitas out of the decision-making. You rarely break a sweat.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ dialogue system lacks the kind of gravitas that makes games like ‘The Witcher 3’ so addictive and powerful.

Still, developing relationships, opening/closing paths, trying to get busy with a blue lady — it’s all here, and thanks to an interesting story, likable characters and great voicework by both male and female Ryders, “Andromeda” does a convincing job of turning you into Captain Kirk.

A downright uncanny job, you might say.

Valley of the Dolls

Unless you’ve been avoiding the internet for the last week, you’ve likely caught wind that gamers are, to put it mildly, displeased with the “Andromeda’s” animations, particularly its facial close-ups. And, well, yeah, the facial animations aren’t great. The game doesn’t just glide over the uncanny valley, it builds a big space house and moves right in.

I typically don’t put too much stock in this; plenty of outstanding games are kind of ugly up close (I’m looking into your lifeless eyes, “Fallout 4”). What makes it so rough here is the amount of time you spend staring at close-ups. A good third of the game is spent chatting with people and developing relationships, but when they look like broken robots, it breaks the spell. About halfway through the game, my Ryder inexplicably developed two wicked lazy eyes that lasted for a good 10 hours.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ human characters look like dead-eyed androids.

Perhaps the increased power of modern consoles/PCs (I played on PS4) is the culprit — as the theory goes, the closer you get to reality, the deeper the valley. But as ugly as it gets for humankind, the power leads to some amazing aliens. The brutish, dinosaur-like Krogans have never looked better, and jittery eyes and smooth skin give the amphibious Salerians incredible life. I relished every chance to chat with non-humans, both to bask in Bioware’s great work and as a respite from the mannequin onslaught.

This sort of uneven delivery extends to the rest of the game’s graphics. The art design is triumphant – Issac Asimov would commend the look and feel of the game’s colorful terrain, sweeping interstellar views and massive starships – but technical glitches abound. Flickering textures are common, load times are excessive and occasional pop-in mars the stunning planetside vistas. These sorts of glitches aren’t game-breaking, but they speak to a project struggling to bear its own weight.

Humans might not look good in ‘Mass Effect: Andromeda,’ but the aliens are gorgeous.

Galaxy quest

And make no mistake: “Andromeda’s” scope is massive.

Much of the game takes place on explorable planets that are significantly bigger than the regions found in “Dragon Age: Inquisition.” You can spend hours scouring the nooks and crannies of each location from the comfort of your Nomad rover. And as you find ways to make life more hospitable, the areas open up even further.  

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ worlds are vast and beautiful.

A star map gives you free reign to explore the Heleus cluster of the Andromeda galaxy. You can only land on and explore a handful of planets, but you rarely feel hemmed in, and the desire to build outposts pushes you to approach Andromeda like a real pioneer. It’s a good hook.

But this goal is quickly buried beneath a ridiculous number of less essential Things to Do. Some are classic “Mass Effect” – your shipmates have needs, and if you want to unlock their highest-level abilities or get them into bed (perv), you’ll need to attend to those — but you pick up other, seemingly unwanted side quests with alarming ease.

Checking in on an outpost? Be careful who you talk to, because apparently every single life form in the galaxy is incapable of handling their own business. Even if they don’t have a gigantic exclamation point on their head, they’ll probably ask you to shuttle something somewhere or look into a mild, pointless drama. And you’ll feel pressed to track down every one, because you never know which insignificant-sounding rabbit hole will yield some legit XP or loot.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ piles on the quests like every other RPG, but organizes them poorly.

This is fairly common to RPGs, but “Andromeda’s” flood of quests is compounded by terrible quest tracking. A Journal ostensibly keeps tabs on them, but inexplicably lists them based on where you picked them up rather than where they are located in the world. It’s a crazy way to organize quests; land on a planet and you’ll have to either scour dots on the map or rummage through your Journal to figure out what, if anything, you’re supposed to do there.  

This alone drove me nuts. I may be a real-world organizational disaster (I am a writer, after all) but this is definitely a trait I don’t want to carry into my sci-fi power fantasy.

Laser tag

On the other hand, I did get to carry lots of guns. And this is one area where “Andromeda” really fixes something.

The game does a fine job of improving and even amping up “Mass Effect’s” combat. Jump jets and a handy dash make you far more maneuverable, which is a boon since you contend with enemies in open-world locations. Skills and proficiencies can totally alter the way you play. Focus on Combat to be a Rambo, invest in Biotics to be a Jedi, stick with Tech to hurl fire and ice, or spread the wealth and be a bit of each. Deep but approachable, the system serves as a solid backend for the on-the-field action.

If there’s one thing Bioware improved for ‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ it’s the game’s combat.

I forgot exactly how shooty “Mass Effect” was, and once you get used to the fact that you’re not playing a game quite as refined as the “Halos” and “Horizons” it attempts to ape, it falls into a pleasant rhythm. Nice touches abound, like jumping and pausing in the air for a few seconds while aiming down your sights. Experimenting with different abilities is also a snap thanks to a handy respec option, quelling the FOMO that rules most games that force to to stick with one class. It’s flexible and fun.  Bioware upped their game here, for sure.

But it isn’t perfect. The wide-open universe only yields a handful of enemy types, and none of them are particularly exciting. You have little control over your two fellow squadmates, and the weak enemy A.I. means you never need to think strategically when deciding which companions to bring into battle. I mostly stuck with the Krogan warrior because he looks cool. A baffling “auto” cover system claims that you just need to move close to an object with your gun drawn to hide behind it, but it doesn’t work very well. It just ends up getting you shot a lot, even when you think you’re safe.

You want jump jets? You’ve got jump jets.

Systems overload

“Andromeda” just doesn’t know when to quit, layering on screen after screen and system after system to make even the simplest task, like equipping a hot new weapon, painstaking.

Find a gun? You’ll need to head back up to your ship or find a “forward station” to switch your loadout, because, well, who knows. Tiny, uniform iconography turns inventory management into a slog. You know the thrill of finding and ogling a gorgeous, exciting new rifle in “Destiny?” That ain’t here.

Scanning planets for resources takes forever due to pretty but infuriatingly slow pans and zooms. Tracking down a specific resource to, for instance, craft a new helmet, is a total crapshoot. Bioware’s focus on the big picture has left a surprising number of holes in its basic RPG foundation.

They even tossed in co-op multiplayer, because it’s 2017 and I think that’s required by law now. “Mass Effect 3” toyed with this and it returns largely unchanged, as you and some pals clear out waves of increasingly stubborn baddies. It’s got its own progression system and offers a decent break from the RPG slog, though considering the core game could take a good 80 hours to complete, I’m not sure anyone needs it.

So do they need “Mass Effect: Andromeda” at all? That’s a tough call. A cool game is buried beneath “Andromeda’s” issues. When the guns are on point and you’ve exploded a Biotic combo, or when the ramifications of some difficult choice made hours ago comes back to haunt you, “Mass Effect: Andromeda” scratches that old space itch. But getting past the technical gaffes and unfriendly interface requires a great deal of patience. Space is big, indeed, but it’s supposed to be fun, too.

Platform reviewed: PS4

What’s hot: Cool story; outpost settling is a good hook; improved maneuverability; deep combat options

What’s not: Technical issues; aggravating interface; seriously uncanny valley; quest quantity over quality; dated feel

More games coverage:

‘Middle-earth: Shadow of War’ lets you lead orcish armies — and destroy them

Nintendo Switch launch games: The must-haves, the maybes and the probably nots

‘For Honor’ review: You’ll need skill to survive this online fighter

‘Horizon: Zero Dawn’ Review: Combat and storytelling shine in spectacular sci-fi epic

The $450 Analogue Nt mini brings new life to old-school NES games

‘Resident Evil 7’ review: It’s a screaming good time

Ben Silverman is on Twitter at ben_silverman.

[nicoladoeschina]

Old Friends and New Beginnings: October 19-26

There’s something about being in transit that allows me to relax.

The work and planning that got me here are in the bank. What’s waiting on the other side, for the time being, will have to do exactly that – wait.  

In transit, all that’s left to do is be still.

My favorite thing to do on an airplane is take off into a dream. With my sleep mask on and eyes at ease during taxi, my mind listlessly flits between thoughts that seem to become slower and less interesting until sleep overcomes my consciousness as we ascend into the clouds.

When we’re almost there, I’m at once hesitant and ready. The sleepy interim sanctuary is coming to a close. I know that once we hit the ground, it’s game time.

I’m ready though. All the motions are familiar and ingrained like muscle memory. No matter where I’m arriving- old place, new place, or completely alien environment- the process is the same – collect my belongings, make my way through the hoops and past the hawkers, and successfully get a connection “home.”

What makes this step different than transit? It’s active. You have to put your brain to work. The short bursts come swiftly and require adept attention and skill.

Transit is passive – you’re passing from one place to the next with no involvement. In surrendering control you have two choices: stress or peace. I choose peace. Unless I have hold my bladder the whole time...which isn’t the case on an airplane or a train, thankfully :)

Anyway! So I’ve arrived back in China after a very extended and wonderful holiday!

6 weeks in Central Asia where I found bliss in beauty – natural, historical, interpersonal, and inside myself  

And 8 weeks at home in New York where I fell in love with my roots – my family, my friends of old, and my hometown

All these experiences came together to buttress my deep appreciation for that all I have and what is yet to come.

Upon the rock solid foundation of my upbringing, I have gathered the building blocks for the life I want to lead and have arrived at the next adventure that will continue to help me build the tower. #BurjDubai. #Rowing #Ryan

SO ... let me finally dive right in to what’s been unfolding in these two weeks since I touched back down in China!

I hit the ground running. That is, until exiting the airport express where it took me 30 mins to get a taxi from Dongzhimen to Dongsishitiao...a 5 min drive but on a Friday night at 10pm... anyway I finally nabbed a black cab and shuffled my way through the hutongs to my hostel where I promptly fell asleep.

Since before departure, I packed my Saturday schedule with friend meet-ups. So starting Saturday morning I was whizzing around Beijing.

At 7:30am I was on the subway down to Chongwenmen to see the Doc at 8! He met me wearing an old-fashioned Mao shirt and hat, hot bowl in hand, to pick up some breakfast. We made our way to a bustling local breakfast joint where he collected the yums. At his home, we of course had tea with Tracy, and caught up about our summer holidays. We even munched on pomegranates. As he’s a busy Doc with a loaded schedule, by 9:30am I was headed out in a cab with the two large suitcases I had stored at his house all summer.

At 10am, I was back at my hostel and starting on the task of trying to downsize my possessions. As anyone can imagine, this was harder than it seemed! I only managed to put 3 sweaters into the donate pile, and sealed everything back up, unimpressed with my will power.

At 10:30, I set off on a bike to meet my now former-roommate, Emmie, for coffee in Dongzhimen. We had a really nice time! My salted caramel latte at Wagas actually had some pepper sprinkled on it too?! Very pleasant surprise. Anyway, Emmie and I had a great chat catching up!

At 12pm, we were both off to our next plans. For me, that meant going to see beloved Berit! At 12:30 we met at Dongdan station and headed up to Jingsu for a vegetarian lunch. I’m talking lots of greens, pumkin & egg dumplings, and olive & veg dumplings! Yum! After lunch, we walked to her new hutong apartment – it’s lovely! – and then back to my hostel where we picked up my camera and strolled over to Ditan park to enjoy the fall foliage for the afternoon. We then looped back around to my hostel because I desperately needed her help trying to eliminate somethings... I would up donating to her some more sweaters and hats. Still, not enough to really consider it downsizing, but hey, I tried! We hugged goodbye and I was off to the next meet up.

At 7pm, I was in a taxi headed up to campus to meet Phil from Ghana. He oh-so-graciously agreed to keep some of my luggage in his room while I’m in Hohhot for training. So I brought with me one large suitcase and my osprey backpack. Once we settled the stuff, we went for a walk out of east gate –which has totally changed! They shut down a lot of the thriving restaurants in favor of some weird artistic face-lift? Definitely government mandated. If that had taken place while I was a student... Tom and I would’ve committed mutiny, I swear it! Anyway, we grabbed some fruit and took a bench at the pond to admire the ducks and delve into some deep convo about China, life, and politics. Yeah!

At 9:30pm, I set off to meet Dennis! This meet-up was last minute because Emmie had conveniently told me Dennis was back in Beijing and I got so excited that I demanded he make time for me, and it worked JIt took me literally 30 minutes walking from campus to find a functioning OFO (I will dive into this later because the bike sharing industry fascinates me). Anyway, I eventually got on a bike and made my way to Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat is a famous brewery in Shanghai that recently opened in Beijing, and they were holding a grand opening party ... which I’ve since found out is there ump-teenth “grand opening” since July. But it was so great seeing Dennis! It had been 2 years since he left Beijing – coincidently I went to his going-away party just as I arrived to start my masters! It’s great that he’s back!! I love catching up with old friends!!!!!

Berit and Dennis are my friends back from 2013 and I will love on them forever <3

So that was my amazing amazing Saturday. It is incredibly rare for all of these people from different parts of my life to have free time exactly at the right time! I am so grateful for all the people in my life and for the blessings of planning :)

Sunday morning I was off to the airport at 6am to catch my 9am flight to Hohhot. Unfortunately, I didn’t check the baggage allowance, and wound up having to pay 240$ USD for my second big bag. Oh well, there was nothing I could do! Hopefully I will get that money reimbursed by the company.. fingers crossed!

I arrived in Hohhot to a LOT of smog and a LOT of gray and a LOT of construction. During my cab ride from the airport to my hostel, I could see that nearly every road in Hohhot is under construction... at the SAME TIME. They are simultaneously putting in the subway (2 lines), and elevated highways with beams reaching up in the middle of the major N/S and E/W roadways. It’s a nightmare, really.

But my hostel turned out to be a DREAM. It’s brand new, and beautiful. And there was even a beaming golden angel waiting in the lobby for pets! I was in heaven. Even more so when I got to my room and showered and got into bed for a much needed rest.

At 2pm, I communicated with my HR person about the housing situation for the next few months. She informed me that the other foreigner they hired (girl from Indonesia) had just secured a place in a good location, and that it actually had another vacant room. So I got in touch with her (Zhen Zhen) and planned to head over later in the afternoon to see the place.

At 4pm, I got into a taxi to meet Zhen Zhen and see the apartment. It was a very modest room in a big shared apartment of 7 rooms total, 1 bathroom (well kept), and no kitchen. The apartment is a 20 minute walk from Yili’s training school. At first I was a bit skeptical because I hadn’t seen any other apartments, but ZhenZhen and I came to the conclusion that it was the best option. Which it was! I signed the contract on the spot. My rent is 550 yuan per month. That is 80$ USD! Amazing!!!!!

The low-down from ZhenZhen about our new job was invaluable and I will explain it here.

Firstly, remember how I said Yili had hired 3 Malay, 3 Indo, and 1 American (me) for this pilot-year International Management Trainee program? Well, turns out it’s only me and ZhenZhen. The others either didn’t accept the offer, or initially accepted it until they found out they’d be training in Hohhot for three months. So Zhen Zhen and I are the only two foreigners – the first that Yili has ever hired!

Secondly, this training is LEGIT training. We have several weeks of classes in Yili’s training school where we will learn every facet of their business, culture, systems, and strategy, after which we have an internship rotation in Yili’s factories for two months – which will include 8-hour day shifts, and 13-hour night shifts – in every stage of production from lab work to packaging to shipment. In the factories we will be only observing, but the goal is that we will become very familiar with every aspect of their products from start to finish.

WHAT? Yeah that’s exactly what I said. But I’m so pumped for it.

On Monday morning, we were set to go to headquarters to meet our bosses. It turned out that we were to meet THE boss, the BIG boss, THE milk man himself.

So what do you know, on my first day I got to personally meet the CEO, one-on-one.

He’s a really nice guy! He had my resume in front of him, and we had a nice chat! As it happens, his brother’s son is attending GW in the school of business! My alma mater! Very cool coincidence. Then, it also turns out that his daughter is studying at Fairfield University in CT, and that he himself regularly goes to Stamford and Westport not only on business but for health reasons – ie, relaxing in the nature. Stamford is where my aunt lives, and it’s only 45 mins from my house! Another very cool coincidence! And then he said that he wants to take me to America to meet his family?! And asked for my WeChat and email?? It was so cool!

After the meet-and-greet, ZhenZhen and I had lunch at headquarters with one of the HR people, then got in a cab to the training school.

So there was a group of new hires that started their training back in July. About 60 Chinese hires. While Zhen Zhen and I are just beginning, they are just wrapping up. Fortunately, we had this week as overlap in the classes. They were all really sweet! Mostly girls – out of the 60 there were only 7 boys. No clear reason why, but no matter. Everyone was really really nice!

Class that afternoon went way over my head. What I learned is that there is a difference between understanding conversational Mandarin and understanding academic classroom Mandarin – where they not only use a plethora of vocab that I don’t know, but they also speak a mile a minute! I kind of just sat in awe and wrap attention trying to pick out some things. Thankfully, there was a powerpoint – a life saver!

Around 4:30pm, tiredness came over me like I’ve never been tired before. It was only then that I felt jet-lag. I knew I had been waking up very early, but other than that I felt great. Until that point. I had only arrived on Friday night, and it was only Monday afternoon – but it felt like I’d been back forever, and SO much had happened already! So when class ended at 5pm, I had to turn down invitations for dinner with the new friends. I had to. I have learned from experience, where I’ve tried to power through, that I can’t do it and only wind up becoming the subject of attention/pity at my pitifully lackluster tired state. So I bowed out and went to sleep immediately when my head hit the pillow around 6pm.

On Tuesday morning, I had to move out of my hostel and finally move into my new room! That meant taking a taxi around 7am to the apartment, dropping my bags, and immediately heading out to the training school. It was smooth going, thankfully.

At 8:30am Tuesday morning I had a meeting with the headmaster of the training school to go over the training program in brief. He is really nice! He explained to me the course that the other group had taken – first, they had military training for 2 weeks, then they completed their factory rotations for 2 months, and now they were wrapping up their 3 weeks of classes, and were all preparing for their small group presentations (to be held in Beijing) the following Tuesday. He informed me that Zhen Zhen and I were to follow the same program, though in a different order. He also mentioned that she and I’s training might vary in length, but he didn’t elaborate after that.

You can imagine that I was pumped and also saying what the fuck. Classes? Factory rotation? Cool! But military training?! I’m a foreigner??? What?!

So let me unpack this. China does not have conscription. However, in middle school, high school, university, and at some companies, every student must complete military training – which involves waking up at 5am to do exercise, drills, walking in step, and so on. The headmaster told me that the purpose for this is to teach everyone how to endure hardship and to ingrain the fundamentals of teamwork.

I get that. But still, I’m foreign? Logic? Anyway, it turns out that either I misheard him (even though I’m pretty certain he did tell me we’d have to do it earlier than later because of the impending cold weather) or the plans changed – because once the training school coordinator sent Zhen Zhen and I our schedule, it was obvious that we were booked through mid-January with no sign of military training. Yes!

At 9am, class beguns and I was off to scribbling down every word I didn't know in my notebook. Still, the speaker’s pace is way over my head but the PowerPoint is excellent. Bless.

At 12:30pm we got released for lunch. There is a cafeteria in the building where we all eat for freeeeee! Yes! I get to know more of the fellow students. Again, they’re all splendidly sweet! Feeling good.

At 1:30pm we started our next class. More ferocious note taking. I’m learning a LOT.

At 5pm we are finished for the day. I received a WeChat message from the CEO’s assistant, asking that I give her a call. What?! So I did. She’s very sweet. Her English is flawless. She wanted to tell me that if I need anything at all, I can reach out to her. She also wanted to get my feeling about going to the United States to work for Yili. I told her that after completing my training in Hohhot that I want to get experience working in their Beijing office for at least 6 months to really get to know the company before making any move home. But ultimately, I told her, she and the CEO are the boss and I’ll do what is needed of me, of course!

At 5:30pm I went to dinner with Zhen Zhen and the girls at our table for dry-pot and other yums. It was delish and I was NOT exhausted! Yes!

That night I started putting all the new vocab words into Quizlet. The best study tool! I love it! The data-entry at the beginning is tedious of course, but then the website itself has so many ways to learn and practice your new words. It is a dream.

I hit my pillow early again, as expected. It’s a good routine! Though definitely still the product of jet-lag.

I realized that given the time I going to spend in my room – I am definitely in desperate need for new bedding and furnishings. The hard lousy pillows and ugly sheets and blanket stink of smoke. Furthermore, there is no storage space for my clothes.

On Wednesday morning when I woke at 5am, I took to Baopals in search of new furnishings. My accumulated total for furnishing upgrades came to over twice my rent for this little room, but it’s a very worthy investment! Especially because my rent is so cheap :) and there’s not much to do here...

The location of the training school is in the west part of Hohhot, approximately 30 minutes in a taxi (on the highway) from the downtown area. It is conveniently a 20-minute walk to the training school. (The headquarters is another 40 min cab west of my place) 

But there’s nothing around us to DO. Yes, there’s every kind of Chinese restaurant and food store and express shipment store, etc. 

But in terms of activities? None. Literally none. And it’s cold outside. And the roads outside of my complex look like this.

So I made it my mission to make my room amenable to the large amounts of time I’ll be spending in it – ie: cozy and comfy and very me!

Later in the morning, 8am, ZhenZhen and I walked to school together to meet an HR person that was to take us for another health exam, required of everyone going to the factory. The hospital was huge and new, in the tacky but cool Inner Mongolian style. Though it smelled of smoke and Chinese medicine. We had to do 3 procedures. 1) Blood sample, 2) In one of the the weirdest things I’ve done, we had to do a stool sample – neither Zhen Zhen or I could poop soooo we had to use a q-tip to get a butthole swab! Very traumatic LOL. And 3) we did a chest scan thing. I don’t know why every physical exam in China requires those, but maybe it’s because I don’t know what it is or does.. you just have to hug an x-ray looking machine. Anyway, the trip to the hospital was a quick laugh in the end, and we were back to class.

Class was easier to understand because I had been studying vocab all morning after completing my shopping. After all, in business, the same words keep coming back around too. Yes! I’m understanding more!

During lunchtime, ZhenZhen and I had the task of booking our train tickets to Beijing for our first short “business trip”! Because the big group is finishing their training, they are giving presentations in Beijing to leaders at the branch there, where they’ll soon start working full time. ZhenZhen and I made to go along for the ride, because, of course, it will be very valuable to listen! I was not complaining at all! We were set to leave on Friday at midnight, and come back on Wednesday. Let me break that down – Saturday, Sunday, and Monday FREE IN BEIJING, then Tuesday listening to presentations in the morning and a farewell conclusion party for the big group in the evening? For us, it was like we were being gifted at the beginning instead of the end! Literally, gifts..

Back to school. A different department head gives each lecture. So in the afternoon, we heard from the guy that ran Yili’s Olympic sponsorship committee! Admittedly, I didn’t understand much of what he said, but he was definitely a compelling speaker and from his PowerPoint I added a lot of new words to my vocabulary list.

After class ZhenZhen and I went home, where we chilled and slept.

Thursday morning I had to miss class about eCommerce platforms (my favorite topic, unfortunately) and go with Zhang Na to the government offices to register for social insurance and for my residency. It was great to have her handling everything and not having to be responsible for it myself! What a relief!

We finished around lunchtime, and went to pick up ZhenZhen for a special lunch! Zhang Na took us for ice lamb hotpot! Apparently, the ice in the hotpot makes the lamb take on a different flavor. They also add some yogurt and red alcohol to the broth. It was delicious! Though Zhang Na made us each eat way more than we would have liked... I wasn’t complaining :) 

That afternoon’s class was about sales channels. Lots of interesting stuff and new vocab.

Friday morning was our last class with the big group! The topic was about intellectual property rights in China, which I found incredibly interesting. The teacher was easy to understand and the topic very relevant. Happy Cola.

After class we took a big group photo. 

Then we all headed home to pack for Beijing!

By Friday evening, only two of the items for my room had arrived, but that was OK because it gave me a lot to look forward to upon my return from Beijing. Everything would be in by that point so I could decorate all at once! Score!

At 10:30pm, ZhenZhen and I headed out to Hohhot East Railway station to get on our night train to Beijing!

What a serious whirlwind of a first week back in China! From seeing all the friends in Beijing on arrival, to moving to Hohhot and learning so so so much new stuff over the 5 days about how my life is going to take shape with this training and factory internship rotation, to again boarding a train BACK to Beijing for 4 day break? I am so lucky and happy and just doing it!!!! Ah! Amazing!

Stay tuned for Week 2!