#((and you're right; she's not gonna let society dictate who she cares about; who she looks up to; none of that!))

[gemini-sensei]

Woke up. Can't sleep. 3am thoughts:

Imagine Hawk is on a date with Reader when she gets a phone call. She excuses herself for a moment but when she comes back she's in complete distress. She starts saying how she needs to go, she's so sorry and the like. He's confused and trying to understand but rather than listen to her rushed and rambling thoughts, he calls talks her through breathing and calming down so she can explain to him what's going on.

"My baby sitter is leaving. She's just leaving and won't stay until I get home. Oh God, my baby is gonna be all alone," she explains, getting tearry eyed.

Hawk is a little taken aback, having no idea Reader is a mother, but as if that's the most pressing matter at hand. He gets his keys out of his pocket and simply says, "Let's go."

He drives her home, right where he picked her up, and it's a miracle that they did to get pulled over with how fast he was driving. When they pull up to her apartment, true to her word, the babysitter's car is gone. Reader rushes inside and to her apartment, and Hawk is right behind her. The door is locked and she struggles with the key for a moment before getting the door open and walking inside.

Her daughter is sitting on the couch watching TV, still in her day clothes and happy as a clam. When she hears the door open, the toddler climbs off of the couch and runs to Reader. "Mama! Mama!"

Reader scoops her up and holds her close, kissing her head again and again. "Hi, baby."

"I missed you, Mama."

"Not as much as I missed you."

Her daughter kisses her cheek, but that's when she notices Hawk and gives him a look. She points at him and his tall hair. "Who dat?"

"That's my friend. His name is Hawk."

She giggles at his name. "Birdy."

"Yeah, like the birdy."

Hawk is so enamored by them together. Reader's daughter is adorable and Reader herself is a natural mother. He can tell how much she cares for her daughter and he's happy to see her safe and sound.

He smiles at them and comes close. "My really good friends call me Eli."

"Ewhy?"

"Yeah, that right!" He puts his hand up for a high five and she slaps it happily, cheering.

After making sure her daughter is absolutely fine, Reader sits down with her on her lap while she relates. Hawk sits with her and they just talk while her daughter watches TV. They talk about her daughter, how old she is, how they've been on their own. Hawk listens to every word intently and let's her get some things off her chest.

"She's everything to me. I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to her," Reader says, kissing her daughter's head as she's enraptured by her favorite show. "I don't know what I was thinking leaving her with a sitter. God, that's what I get for trying to go out."

"Hey, no, don't say that," Hawk tells her. She looks at him, a small pout mixed with confusion resting on her face. "You wanting to go out and have something for yourself isn't wrong. It was wrong that your babysitter left like she did, but that has nothing to do with you and what you want."

"It just... doesn't feel that way," she tries to explain. "Sometimes, I feel like I'm a terrible mother."

"Because society dictates how young mothers are supposed to be? Yeah, I've been pushed around by societal standards before and I'll tell you right now, they're wrong," he tells her, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. "You're doing great, Reader."

She smiles softly. "Thank you."

Her daughter looks up at her. "Mama... hungry."

"You're hungry?" she asks softly, getting a nod in response. "That mean old babysitter didn't feed you, did she? Well, I'll make you the best dinner ever!"

She gives a shower of kisses and tickles to her daughter, making the toddler squeal with laughter. Then she sets her down on the couch beside her and gives her a funny fancy look. "And what does the young lady want to eat?"

"Nuggies!" her daughter cheers.

"Chicken nuggies it is," Reader says and hops up from the couch. She walks over to her little kitchen, giving Hawk a small apologetic look.

He only returns a smile and an assuring wave of his hand. He sits back while she cooks for her daughter, watching over the little one as she cheers and tries to sing along with her favorite show. She's so cute.

For a moment, he thinks he should go. This isn't his place. But then he thinks about how Reader hasn't asked him to leave yet, and he gets the sense that maybe that isn't what she wants. After all, she had quite the scare when she learned her daughter was going to be home alone at not even two years old. Perhaps she just needs someone to there to support her and if that's what she's looking for tonight, he doesn't mind being that for her.

Hell, he wouldn't mind being that for her and her daughter the rest of their lives.

He hasn't even thought about how they were on a date. How she's obviously looking for someone to spend her free time, no matter how little of it she has, with someone. It's been about her and her daughter for the last hour and as he watches her daughter laugh to herself, he's okay with that.

He gets up to go to the kitchen. "You should, like, sue that babysitter or something."

Reader laughs. "Trust me, if I had the money, I would. But I'm okay with making sure she doesn't get another babysitting job ever again."

"How're you gonna do that?"

"I have one colorful review for her brewing up here," she says, pointing to her head with a little grin. It's a grin he's seen before - a mother's happy to settle the score grin. His own mom wore it a lot when he was a kid.

He smirks. "That's good. Don't be afraid to get her back."

"Oh, trust me, if I'd come back here and she was hurt in any kind of way, I would have hunt the bitch down myself," Reader told him, keeping her voice low. She peeks through the window that looks in on the living room, where her daughter sits happily. Then she turns to Hawk. "Thank you."

He shakes his head. "Oh no, you don't have to thank me."

"No, I do," she tells him earnestly. She's soft again with big, pretty eyes. "I don't know how many guys would have raced me home tonight quite like you did. So thank you."

"Well, uh, that was nothing really. I mean, I'd only hope someone would do the same for me if I was in your position," he said, cheeks turning a little red. He hadn't planned on being a hero tonight after all.

She walks up to him and plants a kiss on his cheek as another thank you. His hand naturally gravitates to her waist and he looks down at her, meeting her eye and offering a small smile. He asks her a silent question and she grins with a little nod, leaning into him for a proper kiss. He gives it to her, just as he's been wanting to all night.

Ever since he picked her up earlier in the night, he's wanted to feel her soft, plump lips against his. The kiss is even better than he could have imagined, soft and gentle and sweet.

He keeps it PG, hands on her waist, but he can only imagine what her curves feels like. Holding her like this is good enough for now, though, because in the grand scheme of things, he didn't want to rush her. This is magic already.

Something beeps and Reader pulls away smiling. She doesn't say anything as she turns to get her daughter's food out and plates it up. She lets it cool before serving her daughter chicken nuggets with ketchup and some cut up banana, her favorite.

The whole time, Hawk is smiling. It's a beautiful night.

[theheadlessgroom]

Lon sighed but otherwise settled down (though he could clearly be seen eyeing the gifts, quietly vibrating with excitement at the prospect of tearing into them), while Colin admired the little section cordoned off exclusively for the family, giving a low whistle as he remarked, "Real red carpet treatment!"

"Oh yes, yes, yes," Dorian smiled, as the servants came around with drinks-as promised, the twins got to enjoy a Coke each with their dinner. "Not only do my godchildren deserve the best, in my book, I also like to do this for an added bit of privacy-something I didn't really get much of as a boy, I admit, when it came to my birthday parties."

As much as Dorian enjoyed being the center of attention, there was always such as thing as too much of a good thing, and that was the case with his birthdays, often celebrated not with just his parents and immediate family and closest friends, but also what felt like the entirety of the Louisiana upper class, all turning out in droves for the party at his parents insistence. It felt a touch awkward, having all these people he really barely knew watching as he cut his cake and opened his presents, to say nothing of not really getting to play, since he didn't get along with too many of his peers. Thank God for Beau and Elizabeth, making those parties bearable, to say nothing of the one instance Randall and June got to attend, when the latter worked for his parents. Those were the celebrations he really remembered.

But Dorian wasn't about to let those past memories put a damper on the present, instead delighting in Lon and Erika's excitement at the room's atmosphere-to say nothing of spotting a particularly scaly friend lumbering through the ballroom on his leash.

"Hi, Miss Sally!" Lon greeted brightly, as the tightrope walker put her gift with the others, greeting, "Hello, sweetheart! Happy birthday!"

"Thanks!" the youngest Pace twin grinned, as Erika hopped down from from her seat to greet the gator with a pat on the snout...despite August's little protests to the contrary, any and all ghostly color in his face draining at the sight of his granddaughter just casually treating such a massive creature like a friendly dog.

"Oh, this is the one Emily was telling us about!" Josephine commented with a smile, joining Erika in petting the gator, who seemed to enjoy the attention. Looking back at her husband, the Burke matriarch called, "C'mon, Auggie! He doesn't bite!"

"He's friendly!" Lon confirmed as he hugged the gator around the middle; August, for his part, tugged at collar nervously, but nevertheless put his best foot forward, trailing nervously up to the easy-going alligator, very slowly and carefully leaning down to give a pat on the head, only to quickly rescind his hand with a barely-suppressed shudder.

"That was very brave of you, dearheart," Josephine smiled, standing up to kiss his cheek as they all resumed their seats, and Sally and her pet went on their way. Watching them vanish into the crowd, August chuckled, "So long as he doesn't have a taste for teacher, I'm sure we'll get along just fine!"

@beatingheart-bride

"You got breakfast in bed, Mama?" Lon asked in surprise (he thought you only got to eat in bed when you were sick!), to which Randall replied, "She sure did. See, Grandpa Wil used to make Grandma June breakfast in bed for her birthday and Mother's Day, and she used to make him breakfast in bed for his birthday and Father's Day, so I thought it'd be nice to do the same."

Thinking about it, he realized he had a couple of very fuzzy memories when it came to these breakfasts; remembering vaguely helping his parents when he was very small, in particular his father...he couldn't remember if it was June's birthday or Mother's Day, he just recalled, however hazily, toddling around with a little vase in his hands, trailing after his father as they entered the bedroom, and his mother kissing his cheek when he presented her with the flower...

Leaving this hazy memory behind, he smiled as he recalled, "I got better at baking after that incident-we used to make little king cakes together for Mardi Gras; we never had anything hidden in them, of course, but they were still lots of fun to make and decorate."

Knowing all about the delights of king cake and other Mardi Gras cuisine (especially since Mardi Gras was such a major holiday at the Mansion; Uncle Dori and Aunt Lizzie wouldn't have it any other way), the twins lit up at this, only for Erika to then falter, asking, "Will...will Grandpa August and Grandma Josie come back for Mardi Gras?"

"And what about Christmas? And Thanksgiving?" Lon asked, their gleeful smiles having been replaced by a sense of uncertainty, an uncertainty Randall could see plain as day, and it made him sigh: In some ways, it seemed so unfair that these new families only have so little time to spend with the children before they went home...he understood, of course, but he hated to see the little ones so disappointed at the prospect of these new faces disappearing as quickly as they had appeared.

Still, Randall tried to put on a brave face for the pair, reassuring them, "I'm sure that they will. I don't think they'd miss it for the world."

[enha-woodzies]

➸ CHAPTER 6 | " AT LONG LAST PT. 1 "

starring: enhypen ft. i-land daniel

pairing: jungwon x fem!reader x sunghoon

genres: royal au, romance, angst, slowburn, 18th century setting

word count: 2.5k

taglist: @serendipitysung (betareader) @angeljungwon @en-sun @affectionaterainoflove @renkiv @softforjungwoo @jislix @fluffi @gyeraniee @stxrryemxlys

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To be promenaded in front of the entire ton is one of every lady’s desires. From the piercing stares of the envious, to the love-struck looks of those smitten by the pair, the two most-loved couple of this season gracefully saunters from the cemented pathway and down to the grassy lawn, ever so politely greeting Northumberland with their warmest and charming presence.

The young marquess joins the young miss’ family under the canopy near the lake. With a hand draping over Sunghoon’s arm, Lord Niki mutters swears to the gods for lightning to strike upon the chap, as the gagging sight of his sister along with his most despised douche is gradually sucking the life out of him.

“Good morning!” Sunghoon greets the family and so did Lady Park. Jay gives away a polite nod followed by a toast of the teacup, whereas the almost always brooding Niki responds with an exaggerated rolling of his eyes.

“Your Grace. Always the charmer, aren't we?” Niki jeers to which Jay chokes on his warm, jasmine tea.

“The smoothest at being one, Riki.” The name rolls naturally off his tongue like a snake’s hiss that roused Niki’s ire. The boy could feel the crescendo of his spite, yet he eases it casually with a sly smirk.

“Smooth like a snake, perhaps? I anticipate those fangs in action.” Niki surprisingly snaps back. Jay clears his throat as he whispers to Niki in hopes to prevent him from further fumes, although he knows it would be of no use.

Sunghoon scoffs in return, “need I remind you that I shall deliver if provoked. However tempting that may be right now, I regret to inform you that I’m only here to promenade your sister and impress your dear mother.”

“I do hope she turns you down in the most painful way possible, Your Grace. I find my sister's taste in men quite genteel. Surely, you're aware of how opposed you are to that considering your…” Niki walks closer to the marquess to give an exclusive barb against his ear, “nasty record.” He brushes off imaginary dust off Sunghoon’s shoulder before bumping against it, “Good day to you two!”

“Oh dear, your brother is making me worried. Is he alright?” Lady Park whispers to Jay and the gent soothes their mother by softly massaging her hands, rubbing circles on the back of her palm, “he's just going through puberty, mother.”

“Is that so? I don't remember you having those episodes before. Furthermore, I apologize, Your Grace. Rest assured it won't happen again. I will definitely see to it.”

“No worries entirely. It's Niki after all, he may be a tough handful but as far as I recall he's completely-”

“Held back? Are those the words you were going for?” Jay cuts off. 

“You're quite forgetting the fact that I’m right here.” Y/n attempts to intrude only to be silenced by her brother once again. With his head held high, Jay saunters up to Sunghoon, who is almost the same height as him. Locking eyes with the chap, he simpers, “come, Your Grace, I require a brief moment with you. Excuse us for a bit, sis.”

And with that, the men left the canopy, leaving Y/n and her mother utterly baffled with the uncalled tension.

The sound of paper being folded into an almost crumple echoes around the parlour, where the only sound that existed prior was deafening silence from the three men sitting across each other.

The culprit was none other than Yang Jungwon, who appears to be insulted from what he just read. Throwing off the now crumpled paper, Daniel perfectly catches it mid-air and opens it in haste.

Sunoo takes a gander at the Daily Tattle’s contents that Daniel incoherently mutters. Jungwon carefully studies his brother's reaction as Sunoo’s smile quickly transforms into shock, followed by the furrowing of his eyebrows with his mouth ajar; the final gesture, shooting a questioning look-- with his mouth still ajar-- at one of the scandal’s subjects.

“Surely, me asking two dances from you was already too cheap but, one, brother? Are you seriously being expensive right now?" The eldest exclaims.

"One that is very exclusive and controversial, might I add." Daniel chimes in. “What was all that about?"

"Remind me why I need to explain myself to the both of you?" Jungwon monotonously replies with his eyes fixed on the book he was now reading.

“Because we ought to know?”

“Well, if not to us, at least to Y/n?"

“Good god. Why is she in this conversation all of a sudden?"

"Because you pulled a dick move on her and we ought to know what's going on inside that brain of yours! You're so dense. Must we shake you up to shrug off those lil rust in there?"

"Oh, shut up, Daniel."

“That thing you did there? With her? Was very unlikely of you, Jungwon." Sunoo stands from his seat and transfers to Jungwon’s side on the couch.

"Well, what is like me then?"

"Spit it out or Daniel and I are gonna have to annoy you for the whole week.”

Jungwon slams the book on the couch and lets out an exasperated sigh before grunting out loud. "I just wanted to be alone with her, okay?! Are you pleased now?"

"Wait. You like her, don't you?”

“No, I don't! And I would never for heaven's sake."

“But you want to be alone with her. Isn't that what people do when they're in love?" Daniel rubs his chin in thought.

“Oh, god! Whatever lets the both of you sleep at night then. Assume the worst for all I care." The heated gent lifts himself up from the couch and strides towards the exit.

“Where are you going?”

“Away from the two of you. You won't stop annoying me either way, so I’m gonna get myself some cleaner air.” Jungwon slams the door shut behind him for a relieving walk to the woods.

“Now he's mad.”

“All we ever said was the truth, didn't we?”

“He is pretty rusty, alright.”

Y/n visits the Kielder Forest once again to run away from the stressful men of this morning’s promenade. She could've stayed in her fortress, but because of their foolish ruse, she had to show up. Now her brothers had to meddle with the already confusing mess.

Pages from the borrowed Austen book are now being flicked through again. She couldn't concentrate no matter how hard she tried, as Niki’s words still lingered in her mind.

“What nasty record could he have?” She mutters under her breath. Soon after, crunching of leaves startles her, and she realizes her whispers weren't the only noise around. Y/n dashes out of her sheer fort only to be welcomed by her most coveted man ever.

"What are you doing here?!" Jungwon asks in an angry kind of worry.

"What are you doing here?"

"Taking a walk, obviously?"

"Well, I’m reading. Obviously." Y/n sassily blinks at him, to which he returns a slightly puzzled look.

"You're much aware that you shouldn't be here, let alone unchaperoned, right?"

"Well, good thing you're here!"

Y/n crouches down to re enter her fort now that she has a guest. She softly taps the extra pillow, gesturing Jungwon to join her in a momentary bliss. One that is very rare when it comes to the both of them, and something that the young miss has found herself accustomed to now. When it comes to Jungwon, he'll just leave her begging for more.

Was it simply luck that had caused him to turn down this pathway? Whatever it was, he didn't feel the need to complain. As of now, all he ever wanted was a piece of mind from his brother's interrogations about him and Y/n. Not fully realizing that the very person who triggered him to rush out of his house would be the one he was impossibly hoping to run into.

"You still have that?" Jungwon points his lips to the book she was flipping. She had borrowed it from him and had yet to return it after all these years.

"Are the inclusions still there?" He continues. Although he wishes he didn't. He recalls all the little notes he left on his favorite pages just to get his feelings across and now he chuckles at the mere thought of him playing Romeo.

"They are. They're kind of tattered now, but they're still comprehensible. You do have a remarkable penmanship after all, something that's very impossible to miss."

The boy chuckles at the thought. "You do mean those things you wrote here, right?" She concerningly asks to which Jungwon only shrugs his shoulder with lips shut tight. "Well, don't mind me 'cause I'd like to think that you did."

"Suit yourself." He mutters. Little did she know he was smiling to himself with flushed cheeks.

The boy looks around the interior of the fort while whistling to the air, followed by a few jabberjays mocking his tune. They chuckle over the memory and realize they had traveled back in time.

"Jay's going to get aggressive with me on fencing once he hears about this. I've been conspiring to keep his sister hidden." He playfully smirks.

"Do you remember we used to do this in the garden lawn? Playing hide and seek just to get a glimpse of Jay's maddening face." Y/n reminisces the good old times they both used to share. Although there were petty fights here and there, what conquered most was their endearing bond.

Jungwon looks over as he vividly remembers that exact memory, "and we ended up building a fort out of the picnic sheets we used to hide in and officially made it our castle" he adds.

"I've forgotten what it's like to feel young." Y/n lets out a deep sigh, minding the pressure she's bearing now that she's about to be offered to the life-long commitment that is marriage.

Jungwon looks over her, feeling all concerned with the worries that she might be facing as of late; things that he wouldn't have any knowledge of as a man.

Society has dictated women's place in the world as persons who are supposed to be emotional, submissive, and homely; something very opposed to those of men. Knowing Y/n well enough and how she enjoys her liberty, her own principles, Jungwon worries her future companion, if not him, would find her very indifferent and of no use in the long run.

And it pains him to think that she wouldn't be well off with someone even worse than him.

She deserves more and he knows that fully well.

"Well, I, for one, miss moments like this more than anything." He lightens the mood in hopes of seeing that beautiful smile on her face.

As he turns to her, the two lock eyes. In that moment, Yang Jungwon swore of laying out his long-hidden sentiments. Under normal circumstances, he would speak his mind. But with Y/n looking at him like this, he would most likely fuck things up.

And he fails himself yet again.

"So uhh… you and the duke-to-be, huh? That must be thrilling." He looks away and pretends to play with the twigs on the ground.

"Y-Yeah! Yeah, indeed, it is. The promenade went well today… before the two decided to sabotage it."

"Do tell."

"We're all aware of how Niki ultimately detests the marquess, aren’t we? He kind of uhh… insulted the man in front of mother."

"And… Jay?"

"Stole the marquess from me to have a word with him."

"I reckon he had many words with him."

Y/n chagrins at the imagination of Jay going head to head with the marquess. Being the overprotective one, Jay will go out of his way to expel threats in the family.

"You seem to be clearly aware of that. Yet you entertained His Grace anyway. I pity Niki. He must be going through a loophole of shit again, now that his dear sister's off strutting with that man." Jungwon blurts out, though he wishes he never did… again.

He is clearly rusty and he kind of admits it now.

"That man? Whatever's the matter with all of you?! You dare speak of him like you know what happened between him and my brother-"

"Y/n, we all went to the same university. What makes you think I know nothing?"

"That man you're referring to was just the man who saved me from an embarrassing night, no thanks to you."

Jungwon scoffs at her pettiness.

"Don't turn away with those remarks now. You toyed with me that night, left me there with nothing but utter shame to bring home. I'm sure you're very proud of that now."

Promenading would be every woman's desire, indeed. But being ghosted or fled from is something that every woman fears, especially when they've been shunned by someone they adore the most. Such shame and reproach haunts them for almost the rest of their lives, especially when the ton won't let them sleep at night with that reminder.

"Have you not at least any bit of politeness left in you? You must be ashamed, asking my brother for such favor that you cannot even put through yourself."

"I have my reasons."

"I highly doubt they're even valid." Y/n retorts. Jungwon sighs in exasperation, finding the situation rather unnecessary that he'd rather keep his mouth shut. She deserves to let her anger out after all.

"Whatever happened to you?" She mutters under her breath, looking over to the boy who kept his head hung low with his elbows leaning on his raised knees. "Sometimes, I look at you and see a completely different person. You know, I never learned to read your mind, Jungwon. So stop giving me all these silent treatments as if something happened even though nothing ever did."

Jungwon lets out a sharp exhale before poking his cheek with his tongue. "Stop seeing Sunghoon then. If you care so much about your brother, stop frolicking around with that scoundrel."

Y/n scoffs at him, followed by the rolling of her eyes, trying to stifle an untimely tear from falling.

"You're unbelievable! Just so you know, I've wasted many sleepless nights crying because of your stupid ass, and I still do for heaven's sake! But now it's very clear to me that there's no amount of crying left that I can do for you!"

Y/n groans heavily before standing up from the pillow she was sitting on, throwing the Austen book hardly on the cold ground.

"So much for hearing nothing but the truth from you, huh? I despise you, Jung. Very much."

She runs off from the boy for what seemed like the nth time. For the past years, this exact scene had happened. Jungwon closes his eyes and lets himself fall harshly on the pillows. He raises a hand over his head, looking at the gaps between his fingers thinking of how he let her slip away, again. He drowns himself in deep thoughts, all the while trusting that Y/n will forget this day ever happened, like before.

He knows she will.

At least, that's what he tells himself.

Though deep down, his stomach churns in fear.

And there's no one to blame but his damning pride.

*send me an ask or a message if you wish to be added on this series' taglist!

ㅡ © ENHA-WOODZIES, 2021

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[thought-i-to-myself]

Since you're absolutely brilliant, Id love to hear your opinion and break down on the ending bickering scene and the development of Ann "This is my life now, piss off good sir" Walker because what an icon. I can only hope this little cute skirmish brings on many sweet and funny moments between the two. 💞

YES I THINK IT SHALL.  Ann Walker was on fire this episode, except for that moment when it was her drawing of Anne that was actually on fire which was devastatingly tragic.  BUT YES.  We have known all along that Ann had some fight in her so it was absolutely thrilling and inspiring to see her stand up for herself, by herself.  Let’s recap:

In 1 x 02, Anne finds out that some members of Ann’s idiotic tribe are totally taking advantage of the fact that she is $$$ loaded, and she helps her compose a strongly-worded letter as a means of defending her and her cash.  And Coach Anne says that she’d be willing to come back next time and dictate another, but like all great coaches, she hopes instead that Ann will be able to do it herself in the future.  Teach a woman to fish, and all that …

In 1 x 05, we see some sparks of Ann’s fight, particularly when it comes to Ainsworth.  First, Anne again helps her write a letter telling that wretch off (lesbians love writing letters, if you didn’t know) and then Reverend Assworth has the nerve to come right the fuck over anyway.  Ann sticks to her guns and tells James (“Yes, thank you James!”) to send him on his merry way, and to remind him that she JUST SENT HIM A FLIPPING LETTER TELLING HIM TO BACK OFF.  But I think it’s important to note that Anne is in the room here, she’s literally in Ann’s corner so to speak.  [Also is it just me or does anyone else say “Yes, thank you James!” in Ann’s perfect voice every time you see James on screen? Just me? Ok whatevs.]  Secondly, there’s a part later in this episode where Ann has sent word that she’s not feeling well and instructed everyone to leave her alone, and ELIZA this time comes right the fuck over anyway.  What is it with these people?  And Ann has a great little scene (that I know I still need to gif for @nikkupsticks, sorry friend) where she says she didn’t hear the doorbell ring and Yes-thank-you-James tells her that Eliza came around back.  Ann groans (the hbo caption actually says “[groans]”) and tells Miss Parkhill snarkily that “she sneaks in,” and that people show up anyway even when you ask them not to.  Then she tells Miss Parkhill that she might head back upstairs, and though this is kind of a throwaway line, to me it’s signaling that Ann does have that fight-or-flight instinct within her somewhere, it’s just buried under layers of civility.  But she’s well on her way to reaching her breaking point.

In 1 x 06, Ann tells Anne that when she’s with her, she feels like she could take on the world and boom, it’s like by saying it outloud like that Ann has totally jinxed herself because OF COURSE now she’s gonna have to learn how to take on the world without Anne first before she gets to be with Anne.  And throughout episodes 5 and 6 we see several moments where Ann is so sure of her feelings for Anne when they’re together in the bedroom or behind closed doors but then 180s in the light of day, faced with her family and the jeering eyes of society.  And the difference in all those instances is Anne: when Ann has Anne as backup, as her coach, her teammate, she is willing and able to fight for what she wants. That is, until Ann - sweet cinnamon roll Ann who has been sort of cast aside and dragged around by her family her whole life - has to go to Scotland to be with big sis and big sis’s disgusting human of a husband because family always knows what’s best (???) and birthing children solves all a person’s problems (???).

UGGHHH that brings me to the heartbreaking scene in 1 x 08 where Ann is so sad and downtrodden - she doesn’t know yet that Anne’s written, that Anne still cares for her -  that she’s basically resigned herself to think maybe she should go be with whatever poor schmuck Capt. Sutherland wants.  I mean this is the product of years of abusive behavior by her family which has led Ann to believe that she’s worthless.  And with no signs of life from Anne, Ann’s spark is all-but-extinguished until big sis ELIZABETH swoops in because big sisters are fucking awesome and girl knows that it’s SISTERS BEFORE MISTERS and CHICKS BEFORE DICKS and that friendships between women are literally the most important thing in the world full stop.  So Ann Walker hears that Anne hasn’t let go yet and the flame is reignited and whatever idea Ann had tried to convince herself of that being with joe schmoe might actually be bearable is struck down by Elizabeth’s lightning rod words that you should do what who makes you happy and if that’s a coal pit-sinking brunette in a greatcoat and a tophat with a killer smile and eyes that make you go weak at the knees then go for it little sis because gal pals like that don’t come along every day!!!  Is that not what she said? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.

So you know what comes next, Anon: it’s “I’ll deal with it,” and “bye bitch, thanks for having me, see ya never!” and “everything that has to do with me is my choice.“  And yeah, ok, so she’s got Eliza and Eliza’s hubby there and Elizabeth is secretly on her team too, but she’s standing up for herself because she’s finally reached her breaking point and come to the conclusion that letting other people decide for her is not working, civility be damned.  Remember how joyfully Ann talked about “my sister, Elizabeth!!” in episode 2? Go back and watch it, she says it like that 3 times in the span of 10 minutes.  And now here we are, however many months later it is, and Ann is staring into the face of her older sister Elizabeth who is revealing that she’s actually miserable and intimating that husbands and babies aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be.  So I think that for Ann, she sees in her sister’s eyes what her world will look like if she goes down that path and that fight-or-flight kicks in.  And then there’s Anne.  And there’s that feeling, that deep, indescribable thing in her bones that Ann feels when she’s with Anne. That thing that turns her into Ann “I’d love to paint you” Walker and Ann “I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you” Walker and Ann “it’d be like a marriage”/“like a wedding?”/“is it not the same as a proposal?” Walker.  And that thing wins out.  Because that thing is real, and Anne’s real, and because “often a good friendship [with a woman] is better than a marriage [to a man].”  And if a good friendship with a woman is better than a marriage to a man, then what could be better than secretly marrying that good friend who is a woman and living as secret wives gal pals for the rest of your days.  Not a damn thing, that’s what.

The wifely witty bickering at the end of the episode is just icing on the (wedding) cake.  These two have gone through the gauntlet of emotions, both together and apart this season, but this idea that they’d make a lasting commitment to each other and solidify it with some sort of symbolic gesture has been lingering between them for months at this point.  But now there are no more words.  No more yes’s or no’s. No more “I can’t.”  No more “you came so close.” Exchanging rings in the carriage, sealing it with kisses, taking communion together, That Finger Graze, smiling on the way out of the church - all of it was wordless.  They didn’t have to say anything.  They knew how serious it was for each of them. They understood the gravity of it all, the weight of what they were doing, what it meant, and what it cost. And so by the time they got back to the alleyway, they had taken the sacrament together and were wearing rings on their fingers, and there were no more questions about what they were to each other or what they’d be in the future.  It was done.

So the last scene, the playful back and forth - that’s totally what marriage is, isn’t it?  It’s a comfort thing. Anne can joke with Ann about her being morethan a pretty face because she knows she’s not going anywhere.  Ann can stomp all over Anne’s plans, or boss her around (please god yessss) and order her to put away her pocketwatch because she knows Anne won’t leave her. And those all just words anyway, you know?  And now, our Ann(e)s, our beautiful, remarkable, perfect Ann(e)s are married. And that is so much bigger than words.

This show is fucking perfect.