#( the TLDR is i'm so stressed and i want to sleep for a whole week lmao :') )

[tierra-paldeana]

// i wish i could have enough time to talk about this at length but holy shit, man. the teacher at the academy i got into a few months ago is an absolute nutcase. i could go on for hours about how he's the least competent person i've ever met, contradicting himself at every turn, talking to us like we're idiots constantly, being unfairly hard on us and trying to gaslight us into thinking he did or said whatever when he, in fact, did not. he's working us to the bone, and i'd like to talk about the bane of my existence at presence.

for anyone reading this: i have nothing against overw4tch as a game. but we were told that we were meant to replicate its artstyle in less than 3 months, in order to design a character in that style... which would be fine and dandy... if he didn't give us unrelated assignments and forced us to participate in events that extract precious time we could use to work throughout the months. not to mention, everyone in the class has VERY different skill levels, and pretending that we all excel at that style in less than 3 months is just plainly impossible. i've had to endure criticism that was less contructive and more an attack on me as a person, an ungodly amount of rushing, 4-hour-sleep nights, having to eat less than 3 meals a day just so i could go at the speed he desired, and just a lot of sacrifice towards something that i have no hope for. this has made me develop a deep hatred towards that game and also my teacher that i just cannot put into words lmao

i'm still doing all i can, don't get me wrong, but i have matters to attend to irl that tie my hands and i just don't have 24/7 to pour onto these assignments and projects. i've had to force myself to take breaks otherwise i'd be in a much, much worse state

i could go into a lot more detail but i don't have the energy or will rn, i just want to sleep and rest and go back to rping on here, but i got shit due on the 20th, so again i apologize if my absence or silence are quite prolonged here. i wanna get back here so bad, and also go back to drawing the things that i like ggjfjghjhg

[meirimerens]

what's your time management mystery secret to excel at college, art, reading, cooking, working out, blogging, commuting, etc simultaneously?!. do you procrastinate never? ever need time to stare at a wall do nothing relax decompress?

I think I answered multiple asks that were just kind of parts of this one, I cannot for the life of me find them again so I'm just gonna possibly repeat myself etc

1) "excell at college"

I've had academic aptitudes/ease since I was little ("""""gifted kid""""") and they didn't disappear as an adult. My cursus demands a specific Eye (recognition), critical thinking, knowing to follow methodologies, and eventually yes some dates, this is a lot of stuff I've done my entire life and do like for fun, so I'm in my element. If I was in a scientific field I would be eating the dirt and barely scrapping passing grades. hence why I didn't choose one. The only real advice I have for this is a) TAKE NOTES BY HAND. I HELPS THE INFORMATION STAY IN YOUR BRAIN. AND ALLOWS FOR MORE FLUID ASSOCIATIONS ON THE PAGE. b) as soon as you can after the class, make worksheets of that class is done to TLDR it and keep the main things from. Small things you keep in a separate ring binder you can flip through. c) Do not go to class with 4hrs of sleep in the legs you will regret it. d) if you can, do Stuff from your cursus like. Outside of class. I need critical thinking for my classes -> I read and watch movies and go to the theater so I can use my Thinking muscles. I need greek for my greek class I read bilingual copies of greek plays to work out my Linguistic Pattern Noticing muscles. I need to describe artworks for class I go see artworks, in person or online, and think. Add: i will tell you I have multiple times exited a midterms telling to myself "I sucked so bad I'm gonna barely get a passing grade" and in the end it was more than fine. Idk how i do that.

2) "excell at [...] art"

Excelling at art is purely subjective and I feel like I've somewhat stagnated for a bit. The #realones know I used to be able to Churn Out 2 a week if not more, now it's a miracle if I put out 2 a month. I focus on one drawing at the time (or try to.....) and use my weekends and the one day every two week I have where I don't have class to work on them. Knowing I need to set time aside for them makes me want to be more diligent in my painting of them.

3) "... reading"

ALWAYS HAVE A BOOK IN YOUR BACKPACK OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE CARRYING!!!!!!! I'm not fucking around. I do most of my reading in the 30 minutes of subway I have every morning and 30 minutes back at night, and between classes. This of course will not work if you have to drive or walk the whole way to campus. But for me I can. Book in your backpack. Long line at the uni canteen? get some reading in. You arrive in front of the doors 5 minutes early and the prof is 5 minutes late? reading. Exam that takes an hours out of the 2 of the class and you finish early? Reading.

4) "... cooking"

One-pot meals. I'm so serious. It's the only thing I do. I have a youtube playlist full of "easy" "quick" whatever else recipes and I alternate depending on what I have in the pantry and want. I planned my meal for the week on the weekend and go grocery shopping on monday morning as I don't have classes. I am also lucky to live In The City so I can literally go grab an ingredience on my way home from school or at 8PM monday to friday.

5) "... working out"

Oh I've gone weeks without working out. Quite frankly. Weeks because I was stressed, because I had midterms, whatever. But when I do I a) do it at home. lol. I dont got Gym Time or Gym Money. b) work out quickly after lunch or dinner (not #optimal but idgafffff I just want to workout) c) do not do it for more than 30 minutes. lol. I don't got time for that. You find tonsss of "follow-along 10/15/20 minutes workout" videos on youtube you can follow in the comfort of your own home and you feel great afterwardssss

6) "... blogging"

Oh you're in my phone. That's the easiest thing of it all. Blogging and even when I'm studying at home my puter is just here.

7) "... commuting"

You just gotta wake up long enough before to catch the bus or the subway don't you. Like there's no secret to it. I never have to take a car to move around in the city, I'm subwaymaxxing, I have a bus to and from the countryside, just gotta wake up. Every day I thank the gods that I don't have to drive to go to college thank you goddesses of fate and chance for having me born here.

8) "Do [i] procrastinate ever"

You will never guess what I'm doing now. Basically on days where I don't have class that's what I'm doing. Sometimes so hard I drive myself crazy. Sometimes I'm stuck in immobility spirals, locked in my own mind screaming at myself to get a move on, unable to do so, and it drives me insane. Maybe he's born with it maybe it's executive dysfunction.

9) "ever need to stare at a wall do nothing decompress"

Every day. That's what the weekends are for, even more the weekends where I can go back to my countryside. Built for the isolated rural monastery's scriptorium, made to study in the city. Etc.

Another thing: I am quite often in genuine, physical pain from stress and strain (recurring headaches mostly), around end of semester exams I am absolutely out-of-my-mind stressed, but you don't see any of that, and when you do I get silly with it posting. I have bad days too 👍 like reallllll real bad lollll and I have to rawdog them all. At any given point there is always one part of the ~optimal~ human life I am neglecting (not enough rest <- typical; falling behind on my coursework; not keep up with my skincare so I get mad I break out; buying sandwiches instead of making the food i planned to; not drawing or writing which pisses me of; not going outside and taking the sun on enough;...)

you just don't see that lol

[bunnakit]

i've been dealing with a lot so i'm just gonna dump a stream of consciousness here; lots of personal life shit and general whining 🌸

god between the house shit, tariff shit, work shit, streaming shit, i'm so fucking exhausted. something has to give soon.

you guys know how the mortgage lady said we'd need $126,000 for a down payment? she fucking typoed her text. we need $26,000. so that was at least a massive weight off - thank you so much to anyone who helped me, even though this down payment is much more manageable i'm still scrounging and spending as little money as possible these days and you guys made things so much more comfortable for me.

money aside, though, I still need to clean years of depression and general malaise for an appraiser to come check out the house in early June and your good bitch has cleaning trauma up the ASS. tldr: cleaning was a way to avoid being yelled at by dad, if I was cleaning I was being "good" and there was no way I could be part of whatever caused his outburst.

so now I just mentally go to this horrible place and my stomach hurts but i've been trying to find ways to make cleaning fun - listening to audiobooks, podcasts, blasting music, whatever. it hasn't been too bad but I just feel like I don't have enough time and I feel like i'm the only one in this house (i'm 1/4 people) fucking doing anything - but that's just the story of my life.

went on my little trip which was so fucking needed. peaches and "lemon" (mutual friend of ours) paid for my flight and wanted to just give me an escape from home and all of it and GOD it was so nice. it made me realize how much tension I hold at home and how much the house unfairly relies on me. but whatever. it iiiiis what it iiiiis and i'm not entirely blameless bc i'm a control freak and tend to take over anyway.

during ALL of this work has just been a shit show. we got fucked by tariffs and customs wouldn't release one of our shipments to us until AFTER that shipment was supposed to ship. we finally got it weeks later and hired some people to help us pack it all up and they put the wrong items in the wrong shipping bins. so everyone got products we hadn't even announced yet and STILL not the items they're waiting for. we ended up giving everyone the surprise stuff for free and finally this week got the correct items sent but I received 300 emails in the span of 1 week. it's definitely the most insane work has ever been, thankfully I didn't have to do much aside from field questions but it's been so stressful and I was SO behind on emails (until today, i'm now 48 hrs behind thank godddd)

(if you know where I work no you don't but also hey hi lol)

but with all this stuff going on I've been too exhausted to do anything creative, i've even had to pause my streams for right now. I just don't have enough hours in the fucking day. I want to write so badly, I want to stream, I want to do NOTHING, but every moment of every day I need to do something.

AND THEN THIS WEEK I GOT SICK.

idk what I had, I was getting so nauseous, so many headaches, my whole body hurt so bad I had to go get some lidocaine patches, i've just been fucking miserable but i'm finally feeling better today.

AND THEN I STARTED MY PERIOD.

my period has been getting progressively worse as I get older to the point where my cramps have me stuck in bed crying some days. I thankfully have plans to get an implant put in so it's a minor issue right now but it was just a like, OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

with all the stress and everything i'm exhausted but because i'm me I'm struggling so badly to get any good sleep. I keep waking up every few hours and just toss and turn and it's miserable.

so i've become a bigger stoner than ever to just try and unclench and have some moments of peace to get everything to quiet down.

but then I have guilt for that bc it's considered a "gross" habit and there's still so much stigma about it and then the concerns come in of "omg i'm turning into my dad."

but like. i'm not bringing my daughter to my meth den so. y'know. maybe i'm doing fine. (I don't have a meth den lmao)

i just never want to be one of those people that makes smoking weed their entire personality but it's the only thing keeping me sane lately and in so much less pain, I only smoke after work is done, and the worst that happens is I open my mouth like Kirby and ingest half my snack rations in a single night.

i'm always such a pro-weed person, I think it's such a valuable resource and the stigma is bullshit, but as many things in my life that gentleness doesn't apply to myself lol

and then again I just miss writing and streaming so much. I wanna play clair obscur, I wanna write afterimage, I wanna write bas' fic. UGH. I still owe my friend a fic.

and then some of my friendships are strained. someone asked me not to talk to them so much about kpop and that just really hurt me. I know i'm a lot; i'm too loud, too excited, too much. it just really punched me with all that and I was like sure, okay. I haven't brought it up myself since. she's asked and I think she feels bad but I will never talk to her about my interests the same way again and it really made our friendship feel conditional.

i've also just very much felt like some friends are just waiting for me to stop talking so it can be their turn to talk rather than actually listening to me.

i've noticed some of my friends want to talk about their creations and their worlds and yet no one asks about mine. i'll have multiple questions I ask bc I want to hear about their passions and their creations and worldbuilding but I get none of that in exchange so i'm just. wondering if there's any point.

if my own friends aren't interested then is it even interesting? why is a stranger going to care? perhaps writing just isn't for me. perhaps I shouldn't waste my time.

at least i've been making new connections in streaming. at least the house thing is better than I thought. at least as soon as i'm done yapping I can go smoke a bowl and put off a mental breakdown for one more day.

anyway if you read this thanks, love you, kisses, do something nice for yourself today.

[lazer-bunny]

I hate vacations

Heyyy, when something goes wrong I usually just get sad but I'm actually genuinely angry for once. If you didn't know, I HATE vacations. That's sounds backwards but I hate the stress and the money involved in going somewhere else. I'd rather be getting work done and being comfortable in my own home. So obviously I'm being dragged away from my computer for my entire vacation week off from school. So no video games or working on my own game like I wanted to. 

I hate planes, because airline companies, in my opinion, are ridiculously selfish. John Mulaney had it right. Except this isn't delta. Like spending hundreds of dollars on tickets and being asked to spend another $20 for one hour of wifi? So I couldn't use any of my stuff for the whole flight. I couldn't get any of my commissions done in four hours. Also guess what?? AIRLINE COMPANY SENT THE ENTIRE PLANES LUGGAGE TO FUCKING OREGON, this trip is to Southern California. 

I'm sorry I'm just exhausted and I'm still really sick, so you know I'm doing FUCKING FANTASTIC AND TOTALLY ENJOYING BEING DRAGGED SOMEWHERE I HAD NO INTEREST IN GOING. Now I have none of my clothes too, I'm going to die here.

EDIT: Here's something more coherent, sorry. TLDR: I hate vacations and they give me horrific anxiety and painful panic attacks. I wanted to stay home and be productive. Plane lost my suitcase, I have no clothing until they locate it. Upset because I have to sleep on hotel room floor.