#( i don't mean to throw kazuren brainrot in somewhere it's not asked for but it's genuinely a very good example of him doing this )

[erabundus]

@phantasmaw &&. said... what parts of his past life has ren carried over into this 'rebirth' was the wanderer? is there anything about his previous identities that he wishes he could have back?

all of them, honestly!

ren  isn't  a  collection  of  cherrypicked  traits  from  his  past  incarnations  so  much  as  he  is  a melting pot of  all  of  them.  it  sounds  a  bit  inelegant  to  compare  him  to  a  smoothie,  but  a  smoothie  definitely  feels  like  the  most ��accurate  comparison  to  make.  he's  equally  scaramouche  as  he  is  the  kabukimono.  certain  aspects  of  their  personalities,  habits,  likes  and  dislikes  do  tend  to  influence  him  in  specific  ways  —  but ( for example )  i  would  never  say  ren  would  react to something  in  a  manner  that's  one  hundred  percent  scara,  even  when  he's  in  his  most  vitriolic  headspace.  the  balladeer  actively  wanted  to  make  other  people  miserable  to  soothe  his  own  pain;  ren  is  just  tired  and  blunt  and  the  grudges  he  once  used  as  fuel  for  his  cruelest  actions  have  all  effectively  shifted  towards  those  who  actively  hurt  him  (  looking  at  you,  dottore  )  —  meaning  while  he  might  play  at  being  a  force  of  malice,  he  doesn't  hold  any  genuine  ill  will  against  anyone  who  doesn't  provoke  him  first.

by  default,  i  think  he's  generally  pretty  okay  with  that.  this  is  just  who  he  is;  he's  made  his  peace  with  it.  however,  there  are  certain  circumstances  where  he  does  regret  not  being  able  to  lean  into  his  softer  side  more  fully  —  only  for  specific  people.  the  kabukimono  was  undeniably  very  strange,  but  he  was  also  deeply  loved.  there  are  times  when  ren  quietly  does  wish  he  could  bring  more  of  that  gentle  side  of  himself  to  the  forefront  for  the  sake  of  those  few  he  genuinely  cares  about.  maybe  if  he  made  himself  more  likable,  they  would  be  happier.

not  to  throw  kazuren  into  everything,  but  it  is  a  reoccurring  theme  in  his  relationship  with  kazuha  —  because  ren  has  this  very  idealized  view  of  kazuha  in  his  head.  he  sees  him  as  someone  kind  and  forgiving  and  gentle  who  deserves  only  the  best  he  has  to  offer  —  and  he  occasionally  pressures  himself ( or scorns his inability )  to  be  more  sociable  and  human  because  he  assumes  that's  what  he  would  prefer. keyword being assumes; he doesn't really discuss these thoughts with anyone.

it's  just  hard  to  feel  envious  towards  someone  you  used  to  be  —  towards  someone  you  still  are,  but  have  grown  so  wounded  and  warped  by  the  cruelty  of  your  life's  experiences,  you  can  no  longer  become  that  person  beyond  what  fleeting  snapshots  escape  when  your  guard  is  down.  he  is  gentle,  he  is  soft,  but  he  cannot  force  that  side  of  himself  to  the  surface  at  will  —  and  he's  largely  made  his  peace.  however,  there  are  still  some  people  he  can't  help  but  feel  deeply  insecure  that  they  deserve  a  better  part  of  him  than  what  they're  currently  getting.