#( don't mind me i'm just crying and rambling about automata and my sad son

[sacrificim]

"eternity... it hurts... it really hurts… why just us... why do we have to…"

"those are... what happened to my clones… years of multiplying... years of fighting in wars... their sense of self just... deteriorated."

"even when our companions died, we kept fighting. but the eternal war... our eternal pain... the eternal pain! it screamed at us. it told us there was nothing of value to protect in this world... the world had no meaning, it screamed at us!"

;~; i rewatched the end of emil's quest in automata. why did i think this was a good idea.

i keep going back and forth on this but for the time being, unless plotted otherwise, the default for my automata verse is that emil is the emil. however after having multiplied for so long, so much - with all of them sharing memories that then began to fade, he has no idea. as he says in his quest, he is convinced that he is not the original emil - but he also cannot say where he is, if he is even still alive. ( and it's likely he'll never learn either, for every single memory was passed between the clones. how could he possibly discover the truth? )

the pain of eternity is cruel. war after war fought in an endless loop, memories fading, blinking out one by one, and leaving behind the sole wish that created the clones in the first place - the wish to protect… and, eventually... the realization that there is nothing left to protect. that their struggle was useless, their existence one of eternal damnation. of never-ending suffering.

emil created many clones. who, with time, all met the same fate. a loss of self, an unfortunate soul left in an empty world with nothing left to do but fight and question why they continued to do so. their fate was madness… and his, too, would've become the same. it was on a one way track, till the androids showed up. his memories all but gone, his sense of self lost to a delusion of a more innocent time. for he had grown, in the distant past. had mentally matured, and blossomed as any young kid surrounded by nourishment - by friends and love. but with the loss of said friends… with the coming of the war… it was easier, to survive with the mind blinded with childlike wonder. easier to cope behind a cheerful persona.

he was losing himself when he first met the androids. it may not have happened that year, or that century, but he was fighting a losing battle within his own mind.

it wasn't until he began to recover what he'd lost that the mask began to crack. with each new memory, the once all consuming haze started to lift, the harsh reality of the world setting in once more. ( even if a part of him wished he'd remained blind, to live on in blissful naivety… the memories a burden he was prepared to bear, but one that hurt in a way nothing else had nevertheless... )

and yet, even with their recovery, he did not view the world as doomed. did not see his plight as useless. even with the world in ruins, this was still the very same world his friends had loved. he would've continued on, to help protect it in any way he could. alas… with his newfound memories, did he recall the dormant forms of those buried beneath sand - crying out in silent suffering. the clones, his clones, who he wished to ease the pain of…

the pain of the clones, the desire to end this forsaken world, had been echoing from the desert for so long... and only he knew. he had to stop them - to help them.

in the end, it was him who was taken down… but the androids, they hadn't accepted his cryptic goodbye. thus did it fill him with happiness to see them arrive - to succeed where he had failed… before at last did he, too, see the light and join his long lost friends in a new kind of eternity...

“i can't believe I remembered something so important... right at the end. i was running... from the memories of losing those close to me... It was so hard... so painful... at the end... i did a lot of bad things to you, 2B. but now i get to see them again... really soon...

“oh... hey! there you are... i'm so glad... i got to see you all again...”