#( I haven't gotten to use Amanda much sadly )

[writtenxbeginnings]

Starter Call shoutout --- Answering For @gentlencte

Amanda looked up from the magazine in her hand as Elliot walked into the office, her head tipping back as she glanced at the extra coffee in his hand. There was still a part of the blonde that wondered sometimes if the other detective hated her and simply dealt with having her around? Or if he actually had started to like her yet. She felt like she annoyed him more than anything, but then again she did like to push buttons. Not just his either. "That extra one for anyone specific, Stabler? A certain captain in the other room? Or is it up for grabs?" Perfect, a jest both about Liv and to simply see what kind of mood he was in for the day.

[xtinyslip]

lcvenderhcze​:

“MY ACTIONS... WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY ACTIONS? nothing. that’s it. you may be some short of monster who doesn’t care for much of anything or anyone, but.. that’s not who i am. i care, okay? at least.. i did.” she spat out, shaking her head a little bit, because.. no, he didn’t know anything. he had never fucking known anything - especially with how heartbroken she was at the moment. how it felt like there was a hole, where her heart had once been. how it felt like she’d never get it back. “wouldn’t you let it do this to you? if you lost the one person that you let slip through the cracks? i..” she felt as if she couldn’t breath. she felt as if she couldn’t breath and right now, she couldn’t believe that she was about to admit this to him, out of all the people in the world, but.. the truth hurt. right? “i was going to.. to ask her to MARRY ME. even bought a stupid fucking ring that’s upstairs in my room, because it’s never going to be used now and i.. i can’t bear it to get rid of it. that is how serious i was about this. about her. and that doesn’t happen, OKAY? i don’t let people in. and i’ve never even once thought about getting married. not until now, but.. it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” hope sighed sadly, shaking her head a little bit. she didn’t even feel like crying. in fact, it felt as if she didn’t have anymore tears to cry. like they were ALL GONE, at this point. “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” did he? she didn’t want to believe that. if she believed that? she’d break even FURTHER and right now, she wasn’t sure if there was anything left of her to break. “she’s over him. she told me herself. she was over him the day that he sent her away without anything, once he found out what she did in the past. once he threatened to fucking kill her over it. i was the one who was there. i was the one who picked up the pieces. I KNOW IT.” and yet, her voice didn’t sound confident about it anymore. was he right? was she getting in the way of something that was always bound to happen again, one way or another? like it or not.. his words were getting to her head. of course they were. “are you? from the looks of it, you look to be as miserable about it as i am about all of this.” it took one to know the other, right? as of now, she was well aware of that. she brought out her burner phone from the pocket of her sweatpants, dialing a number that she knew all too well. “jameson? yeah, it’s me. yeah, i know. take care of our little doctor problem, yeah? and give me a CALL when it’s done.” she hung up immediately, turning back to him. “caught him by surprise. couldn’t make that happen again. and besides.. amanda was with me when we killed him. i couldn’t have done it without her,” and for a moment, hope laughed bitterly, shaking her head. “i couldn’t be in town without her. i’d always be tempted to.. to go back. to see her, even from afar. that’s why i had to go. to not drag her into more danger. i don’t suppose an heartless bastard like yourself to understand.” and yet… she almost did. @xtinyslip

"ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO GET THAT KIND OF REACTION FROM YOU." hoffman wasn't keen to admit to her that they were more alike than they realised. however, he wasn't an idiot either and neither was she. there was a connection there -- an understanding that he didn't think he'd share with anyone. it's the only reason he was tolerating her shit to this level. "mark hoffman the monster. tell me something i haven't heard before." like it was going to bother him. "AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU." look at what caring had gotten her and look at where it had gotten him. he wasn't in the best place either but at least he was holding his shit together. he was getting the job done. unlike her. "not if i could help it, no." and more often or not, he could so it went without saying. "i know how high the stakes are. the price i'd pay if i did..." and he wasn't going to let them beat him, he wasn't going to die. was young her version of strahm? it hit him harder than most had in a long time. he couldn’t be the heartless bastard when he still felt like his heart had stopped the moment he realised how badly strahm had been injured. it was still like he couldn’t breath. he was just good at moving forward, he’d keep moving regardless. “LOOK, i’m not gonna’ stand here and tell you you’re future with young doesn’t look bleak. it does. what i can say that’s not bullshit? i gave kramer an in, i got you out the way, he had his in. his shot at revenge and he fired a blank. he didn’t take it. no one other than the two of them know what the fuck they want but maybe this thing between you and young doesn’t have to be over permanently. IT’S JUST FOR NOW.” that wasn’t a lie and he wouldn’t stand there and lie to her face over something he knew was killing her. fuck, he’d let strahm all the way in and this was it was doing to him? soft people didn’t live. they didn’t survive. fuck. “do you believe that or you still in denial? i get it. young killed his baby and lied to his face for years about it.” and she did. whether she’d been the one to open that door on tuck or not? she’d been there. she was the reason that it happened in the first place. she was as guilty if not more so. “‘course that’s what his reaction was going to be and her reaction was just as raw as his. doesn’t mean that still stands now. i hope i’m fucking wrong. the last thing i want is them together but we want to survive? we don’t want them to bury us? like they’ve been known to do in the past? THEN WE HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS.” whether it fucking hurt or not and she wasn’t the only one hurting. perhaps in different ways but john was family to him and he didn’t say that about just anyone. as soon as she made the call, it was as if his body knew he’d gotten it done. no he didn’t cripple to the floor but he had to place his one hand against the wall to hold himself up, his other hand moving to his chest. almost like he was only allowing himself to hurt, to need medical attention now the job was done. “i don’t understand?” he chuckled, shaking his head. “fine. if you wanna’ go by that idiotic logic. let’s say i don’t understand. hum? but you were never the one dragging her into danger. she was the one dragging you into it and you love her so you let her. don’t let it blind you from the facts.” @lcvenderhcze

xtinyslip

"YOU DIDN'T BUT YOUR ACTIONS DID." hoffman wasn't here to go easy on her because right now that was not something either of them could allow. he needed her alive and the last time he checked, she wanted to be alive so... right now they had a common interest. he couldn't get strahm out of his head and shit, he couldn't be distracted or doing this right now. hoffman knew he needed to keep his head in the game and the sooner he got this done. the sooner he could return to peter and make sure he was alright. he'd been left in good hands... TRUSTED hands. mark had made sure of it. "MAYBE, YOUR RIGHT." he couldn't believe he was admitting that out loud to her. "we might get ONE exception. one person who slips through our defensives, no matter how high we build them but that's no excuse to do this to yourself. you can't let it do this to yourself." hoffman shook his head. "good work? i found you within minutes." he rolled his eyes. "she was never yours to begin with. you didn't lose her. young and kramer? they always find their way back to each other. no matter what i do to try and stop it. least you made the cut first, you get to keep your dignity." she could call him a liar, maybe she hadn't seen what he was talking about for herself yet but she'd come to realise he wasn't lying. he wished he was, that this connection between them didn't exist but IT DID. "i..." he frowned. "doesn't matter. i'm handling it." because that's what he did. he couldn't run away and cry and mope and cut all his hair off like she was doing. he had to stay and take this front on, whether he liked it or not. "YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL. now make the call." it was a problem but it wasn't time sensitive like his gordon one was so... he'd deal with it one fucking step at a time. gordon, and then he'd worry about the deal he made. it wasn't as if john was going to hurt amanda. van dyne was clearly in denial about the whole thing and fine, that was her problem. he couldn't afford to take on anyone else's problems right now. "really? 'cause we both know you're more than capable of killing him first. you did it once. didn't get that far by hiding, hum? i told you to leave her, not the town but alright. you tell me it's done, gordon's dead and i'll be on my way."

"MY ACTIONS... WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY ACTIONS? nothing. that's it. you may be some short of monster who doesn't care for much of anything or anyone, but.. that's not who i am. i care, okay? at least.. i did." she spat out, shaking her head a little bit, because.. no, he didn't know anything. he had never fucking known anything - especially with how heartbroken she was at the moment. how it felt like there was a hole, where her heart had once been. how it felt like she'd never get it back. "wouldn't you let it do this to you? if you lost the one person that you let slip through the cracks? i.." she felt as if she couldn't breath. she felt as if she couldn't breath and right now, she couldn't believe that she was about to admit this to him, out of all the people in the world, but.. the truth hurt. right? "i was going to.. to ask her to MARRY ME. even bought a stupid fucking ring that's upstairs in my room, because it's never going to be used now and i.. i can't bear it to get rid of it. that is how serious i was about this. about her. and that doesn't happen, OKAY? i don't let people in. and i've never even once thought about getting married. not until now, but.. it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" hope sighed sadly, shaking her head a little bit. she didn't even feel like crying. in fact, it felt as if she didn't have anymore tears to cry. like they were ALL GONE, at this point. "you don't know what you're talking about," did he? she didn't want to believe that. if she believed that? she'd break even FURTHER and right now, she wasn't sure if there was anything left of her to break. "she's over him. she told me herself. she was over him the day that he sent her away without anything, once he found out what she did in the past. once he threatened to fucking kill her over it. i was the one who was there. i was the one who picked up the pieces. I KNOW IT." and yet, her voice didn't sound confident about it anymore. was he right? was she getting in the way of something that was always bound to happen again, one way or another? like it or not.. his words were getting to her head. of course they were. "are you? from the looks of it, you look to be as miserable about it as i am about all of this." it took one to know the other, right? as of now, she was well aware of that. she brought out her burner phone from the pocket of her sweatpants, dialing a number that she knew all too well. "jameson? yeah, it's me. yeah, i know. take care of our little doctor problem, yeah? and give me a CALL when it's done." she hung up immediately, turning back to him. "caught him by surprise. couldn't make that happen again. and besides.. amanda was with me when we killed him. i couldn't have done it without her," and for a moment, hope laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "i couldn't be in town without her. i'd always be tempted to.. to go back. to see her, even from afar. that's why i had to go. to not drag her into more danger. i don't suppose an heartless bastard like yourself to understand." and yet... she almost did. @xtinyslip