#( God the episode where they all read Alex's letters fucking break me )

[writtenxbeginnings]

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[is-this-a-skam-account]

“Anything You Want”

5 Times Lucas Ran Into Eliott, and the One Time Eliott Runs Into Lucas

Or, Eliott is the really hot yard worker Mika has hired, and Lucas is trying to find a summer fling but may be way in over his head.

1.

Lucas is certain there is nothing to do in this small excuse for a town. Every year of his life, for every summer since he was five, he has been doing the same things over and over. Going to the movies, going to the pool, going to get ice cream, or, his personal favorite, spending a night in with his friends. With only one small village within a twenty mile radius, there really isn’t anything to do. Now he is eighteen, the summer before his college years, and he has never been more bored out of his mind. He is sitting in his room at 9:21 just staring blankly at the wall, mind completely empty.  

He already reached out to his friends, yet all of them were either at work or at a family-function.  Lucas was thankful, however, that his roommates were out for the day. That left Lucas alone to strut around the unbearably hot house in nothing more than one of Yann’s large t-shirts Lucas had stolen and his boxers.

Lucas finally finds the strength to get out of bed and get himself something cold to eat. Preferably ice cream.

He grabs his phone off the nightstand, opening Instagram as he walks into the kitchen. He swallows hard and his grip tightens on the phone when his ex-boyfriend’s account is the first thing he sees. Oliver and Lucas broke up just a couple months ago, around April. Well, really it was Oliver that broke up with him. Lucas was confused as to why Oliver chose to break up, but then, when Lucas saw Oliver holding hands with another guy two days later, Lucas realized how stupid he had been. Obviously, he had been seeing someone behind his back. Thinking back on it, Lucas should have seen the signs. He should have noticed that they hadn’t been hanging out as often together. Oliver stopped spending nights with Lucas, always making an excuse why he would have to go home so early. Leaving the relationship left Lucas feeling hollow. He was left feeling like he wasn’t good enough for Oliver, that he didn’t satisfy all his boyfriend’s needs, even when he knew that wasn’t true.

There is still a pang of hurt that runs through Lucas’ heart when he sees the newest photo Oliver posted with his new boyfriend. Oliver had been the one to stand by Lucas during his coming out, so obviously there is still some attachments there.

Lucas turns his phone off and places it face down on the counter as he reaches into the freezer. He fishes out his small tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream before grabbing a spoon and going to sit on the couch and watch some Netflix. He doesn’t mind these lazy days, where he doesn’t go out and do anything, where he can stay home, binge watch any show, and maybe make a couple stains on the couch that Mika will later complain about.

He’s eventually is pulled back to Instagram by the times he’s on episode 3 of Grace and Frankie. He has a few messages from Emma, as well as a few from the meme group chat he has with the guys. Lucas opens up Emma’s message and the first thing he sees is possibly the most gorgeous man he has ever laid eyes on. He immediately clicks on the post, pleasant to find that it’s a video. Lucas nearly laughs at how stupid it is, some guitar sound playing in the background as the guy zooms in on his eye. But, dear god, is that guy attractive. Lucas closes the post to see what else Emma sent him.

@em.brgs: i think he is the most gorgeous person i have ever seen.

Lucas laughs before responding.

@lucallemant: i second that notion.

@lucallemant: why don’t you slide into those DMs. Been a while since you got dicked down ever since Alex moved away.

Lucas doesn’t expect a response so fast, but before he knows it his phone is vibrating with notifications.

@em.brgs: oh you’re one to talk. You just think you’re soo funny.

@lucallemant: i am, thank you.

@em.brgs: he’s so hot he makes me want to stab a pencil in my eye.

@lucallemant: well if you do that i really don’t think you’ll have a chance with him.

@em.brgs: haha, that’s so funny Lucas thank you for the self esteem boost.

@lucallemant: what i’m here for.

@em.brgs: and anyways, even if i was going to DM him (which i’m not because i’m not that desperate, unlike some people Lucas) it seems like he just got out of a relationship. I don’t go after guys who are looking for a rebound

@lucallemant: right, you just go after guys who are already in a relationship.

@em.brgs: hey! That has happened only twice!

@lucallemant: round of applause for emma everybody.

@em.brgs: ugh, whatever, i’m going to go message Manon about your non existent love life.

@lucallemant: have fun!

Lucas snickers as he exits the messages. He trains his attention back on the TV and takes another scoop of ice cream. About thirty minutes, and a whole lot of chocolate, later a loud buzzing noise jolts Lucas out of whatever summer-induced-TV-show-daze he was under. Usually he is able to just brush off the noises of his neighbors getting the lawns mowed in the middle of the day, but this sounded like it was literally coming from right outside his window. He placed the ice cream on the coffee table before getting up (begrudgingly) from the Lucas shaped divett he had made in the couch. He leaned over the love seat in order to reach the curtains he had closed when settling down to watch TV. Lucas peeled them back just enough to peer outside into their front lawn. He furrowed his eyebrows when he saw a guy mowing their lawn; what the hell was the guy doing? Lucas ran to their front door, getting ready to tell the guy off and ask him to leave. He had his hand on the doorknob when he spotted the note taped to the door. It was written in Mika’s handwriting.

“Lucas,” it read, “don’t forget that I have hired someone to do work on our lawn/garden this summer.” Lucas had forgotten, “he is coming by today around noon and will be coming by every saturday for the next few weeks. The payment is on the back of this letter and he will ask for it when he’s done. Also, make sure to give him something to drink after, just to be polite. AND DON’T BE AN IDIOT.”

Lucas drew his lips in a line after he finished reading the letter. He had totally forgotten about that conversation with Mika. Though, in his defense, you really shouldn’t have important conversations with people who are obviously drunk and just gotten home from a party.

He flops back down with a huff, resting his head against the wall behind the couch. Part of Lucas really wants to go back to the window and watch the guy out in the yard. In those few moments Lucas was watching him, he seemed to be extremely attractive. Well, that much Lucas could tell from his toned arms and lean build, legs that seemed to go on forever, and high cheekbones somewhat hid from view by a worn-out baseball cap. (Don’t judge him, he hasn’t allowed himself to ogle any eye candy ever since his breakup with Oliver). Lucas scoffed at his inner monologue and instead opted to make some lemonade; try and take his mind off his meaningless existence. If Mika was going to make him give the guy something to drink, might as well be something sweet.  

Lucas hooked up to the speaker in the kitchen as he walked in. He immediately started blasting his favorite artists: Nirvana, the Stones, Beatles, and, of course, the Clash. His friends always call him cliche for his taste in “old-style” music, but Lucas doesn’t really care. He sways his hips and jumps around the kitchen as he gathers the supplies for lemonade. He’s practically belching out the songs as he mixes the drink together and adds the ice cubes to help chill it. Oliver never liked Lucas’s taste in music, so they would always listen to his playlist made up of rap and hip hop. Not that Lucas has anything against those genres, they just don’t happen to be his favorites.

He’s about to pour the lemonade into two glasses when there is a knock at the door. Lucas glances at the drink and the door a few times before deciding to just pour it into the cups later and get the door first. Lucas obviously doesn’t think before opening the door, because as soon as he does he becomes painfully aware he’s still just in his boxers and t-shirt. Lucas becomes even more embarrassed when he comes face-to-face with the most godly human he has ever seen. Well, actually he has seen the face once before. On Instagram. Just a couple hours earlier. Lucas has to mentally make sure his jaw doesn’t drop open. He didn’t think it was physically possible for someone to be more attractive in real life than on social media, but somehow this guy managed to pull it off. Truly, he had everything. The height which made Lucas feel small (usually Lucas would protest this, but honestly it was kind of a turn on). He had the eyes which pierced into Lucas and made him melt on the spot. He had the perfectly shaped lips, a sharp jawline, even fucking perfect eyes.

“Uh, hi,” the guy says after a couple seconds of silence (and, it might be Lucas’s subconscious, but he swears he sees the guy trail his eyes up and down, soaking in everything Lucas is presenting at the moment), “you must be Mika? We talked over the phone.” He offers his hand and Lucas takes it.

“Oh, no, sorry I’m Lucas. Mika is my roommate. Well, one of them.” Lucas says and leans against the doorway. Lucas tries his best not to choke as he now blatantly sees the guy drag his eyes up Lucas’s form. He feels like he could drown in that gaze.

“Did he happen to leave any, uh, money as payment? Sorry I hate to be so pushy…”

Lucas jumps like he’d been burned and reaches behind the door for the note, grabbing the money. “No don’t apologize. Sorry, I forgot,” Lucas laughs awkwardly as he hands the envelope over. He takes it gratefully, “I didn’t catch your name.” Lucas says after neither of them make a move to walk away.

“I’m Eliott.”

Pretty name for a pretty guy, Lucas thinks. There is a blush creeping onto Eliott’s face which makes Lucas painfully aware he had just said that aloud. Lucas coughs to try and clear up the tension, “um, I made some lemonade. Would you want a glass?”

“I would, but I actually need to get going. I have another lawn I need to be at.”

Lucas nods, “well, I could give it to you in a to-go cup?”

That makes Eliott chuckle, “guess I can’t say no to that.”

Lucas smiles and offers Eliott to come in. He does so and Lucas closes the door behind them. Eliott finds his way to the kitchen with Lucas following closely behind. He lunges for his phone to turn off the music that was still blaring, a blush creeping on his face. He fumbles with it for a few seconds before turning back to Eliott.

“Sorry, uh, I was getting hype in the kitchen making this lemonade I guess.” Lucas jokes.

Eliott laughs, “I know, I could hear you from outside.”

Lucas blushes at that and forces himself to look away and get out one of their cardboard coffee cups. “Well, at least I was giving you something good to listen to.” Lucas comments as he pours the lemonade into their respective cups. As he turns around he briefly catches Eliott staring at a place a little south from his head and shoulders, which makes Lucas cock his eyebrow and hand the drink over.

“Thank you, for the drink.” Eliott says as they walk back to the door, “not so much for the music.”

“What do you have against my music?” Lucas asks offended as he opens the door and Eliott walks out.

Eliott shrugs, “nothing, just a little corny is all.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, “guess you’ll just have to play me your superior music taste next them then.”

“Guess so,” he says it with a wink, “bye, Lucas.”

2.

Lucas regretfully wasn’t there the following Saturday when Eliott was supposed to come by. He had picked up an extra shift at the coffee shop after Imane said she had an emergency to take care of. The shift wasn’t too busy, since most people don’t want hot coffee on days when it’s over 100 degrees. He spent the majority of the time sitting up by the register and fooling around with his coworker, Tyler.

Tyler was actually how Oliver and Lucas had met, since they were friends and Oliver came in to get a cup of coffee during Tyler’s shift. Oliver started flirting with Lucas, Lucas left a little note on the coffee cup for Oliver and the rest is history. Lucas was terrified that the breakup would affect his relationship with Tyler as a coworker, but it turns out Tyler was super chill and didn’t really care. He even said that Oliver was a douche at times, and that Lucas deserved someone better.

“Any big summer plans?” Lucas asks.

Tyler sighs and leans against the opposing counter from Lucas, “not really, college starts pretty soon for me so I have to start getting all that stuff ready. What about you?”

“I wish I could say I had something big planned, like a road trip. But sadly this summer is just as boring as the rest.” Lucas groans and rolls his head back.

Tyler laughs, “how’s Yann and the gang?”

“Good, they’ve been pretty busy though. Basile just got together with Daphne-”

“What?! That loser finally got together with her? Damn, Basile.”

Lucas laughs, “I know, it was a long time coming to be honest. He’d been pining after her since second year.”

“Well,” Tyler pauses, “I guess if they make each other happy…”

Lucas nods, “I can’t say I’m not jealous. Last summer I was the part of the annoyingly touchy couple.”

Tyler draws his lips in a line, “maybe you can still find that this summer. Anybody catch your eye?”

Lucas shrugs, “I wish. I miss being in a relationship sometimes. What about you though? How’s Clare?”

“She’s good, little difficult with her studying in the US though. I miss-”

Tyler is cut off by the ringing of a doorbell which signals the entry of a customer. Lucas immediately goes into full customer mode saying on instinct “welcome to Coral Cafe, how may I help you?” as Tyler rushes over to the area where they actually assemble the drinks. Lucas doesn’t look up right away as he fiddles with something on the cash register screen, getting ready to place in the order. When he does finally look up he feels his stomach clench and heart pick up all at once.

“Oh, hey! Lucas, right?” Eliott says as he continues his track to the register. Lucas feels like his legs are giving out, “I didn’t know you work here.”

Lucas couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting over to the girl standing beside Eliott, his arm around her shoulders. She’s beautiful, is the first thing Lucas notices. She has seemingly silky hair, large chocolate colored eyes, amazing bone structure, and her smile lit up the room. He just got out of a long-term relationship, he hears Emma’s voice in his head. Lucas has to visibly shake his head, it’s not like Eliott was interested in him. He’s mowing their lawn for god sakes. They had one conversation that’s it.

“Lucas, you good?” He hears Tyler call from his station just about a few feet away.

Lucas looks over at him, smiling and nodding before turning back to his customers, “hey, Eliott. Uh, what can I get you?”

“I’ll take a caramel frappuccino,” Eliott says and Lucas has to look down to hide his smile. Of course, the sweetest thing on their menu. “And uh, Lucille, what do you want?”

Lucas looks up, waiting for the request. She hums for a second as she looks over the menu; taking about an eternity to decide. Lucas sighs quietly and his eyes automatically trail over to Eliott. He feels his breath catch at the gaze Eliott has locked him in, basically drilling him to the spot. Lucas’s heart picks up, and he doesn’t dare look away. He could stand there for hours. It doesn’t help that the backdrop lighting from the windows illuminates Eliott like some ethereal being. And Eliott knows the effect that he’s having on Lucas, he’s obviously not an idiot. What Lucas wouldn’t give to knock that smirk off his face...

“I’ll take a,” Lucille’s voice drags him back to reality, “brownie. I’m not a big coffee drinker.”

Lucas nods and puts the order into the register. He states their total and Eliott fishes out his credit card. As he’s passing it over, their fingers momentarily brush and that meer touch has Lucas spiraling. He isn’t even sure he can swipe their credit card his head is spinning so much. He does it successfully, however, and passes the card back before walking over to grab them a  brownie from their pastry selection. As he does so he can feel Tyler’s gaze on him.

Tyler takes a few steps closer to Lucas and bumps their shoulders, whispering a quick “you okay?”

God, am I that obvious? Lucas wonders to himself before giving a nod and walking back over. He passes the brownie to Lucille and gives Eliott a quick wave as they walk away. That was the longest two minutes of his entire life.

When the two finally leave the coffee shop, neither of them sending another glance Lucas’s way, he feels like he can finally breathe again.

He lets out an audible sigh, guess Eliott got back together with his girl is a brief thought that crosses Lucas’s mind. Then again, it wasn’t really his place to worry about it.

“Lucas, dude, you okay?” Tyler asks and walks back over.

Lucas takes a breath in before answering, “yeah, why?”

He shrugs, “nothing, you just totally stiffened up when that guy entered. Something happen between you two? A hookup?”

Lucas whips his head around, “a hookup?! Why would you think that?”

Tyler frowns, “that dude was totally fucking you with his eyes dude. Like, hardcore. And I’m not usually good at spotting that stuff but like holy shit. His gaze even had me affected.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, “whatever. My shift is about to end, so I won’t have to deal with your bullshit for that much longer,” he laughs.

Tyler scoffs, “c’mon, you like me.” Tyler sing-songs as he wraps his arms around Lucas from behind.

Lucas wriggles out of the grip with a laugh, “right, in your dreams.”

When Lucas gets home from his shift at the coffee shop he spends an hour or so chilling with Mika and a very quiet Lisa in the living room. They watch whatever comes on TV because they can’t find the remote, which Lucas finds hilarious. Mostly, though, Mika is walking Lucas through his dating app and trying to convince Lucas to download it to get a new boyfriend or “even a friends with benefits” as Mika put it. Lucas found it easier to tune him out the longer the conversation dragged on for.

It’s not like Lucas would mind a fling. He’s never been “flung” his whole eighteen years of life, only ever being in one long-term relationship. He wonders what it would be like in a fling. From what he’s gathered it’s mostly talking and sex and talking and sex, which Lucas would not mind. Something like that for the summer before his college years would be a-okay with him.

“Lucas,” Mika whistles and waves his hand in front of his face to grab his attention.

Lucas blinks and shifts his gaze over, “sorry, I got lost in thought. As you were saying?”

Mika raises an eyebrow, “what got you so wrapped up there, kitten?”

Lucas shrugs, “nothing really, I was just thinking about what it would be like in a ‘fling.’ What is it like?” Lucas asks, knowing that Mika wouldn’t have any problem sharing his oh-so-many stories.

Mika shifts and brings his legs up to his chin, “well, it’s really nice in the beginning. The flame lasts longer than just a one night stand, but not as long as a honeymoon phase of a long-term relationship if you can understand?” Lucas nods, “it’s nice because you both don’t get sick of each other, since you both sort of know it’s going to end soon. The sex is usually awesome, but so is the talking. Everything evens itself out.”

Lucas hums, “that sounds nice.”

Mika smirks, “oh, yeah? Well, the problem is you can’t really get attached, since you have to have a mutual understanding that it’s going to end. That’s been a problem with some of my past flings.”

“Oh, for you?” Lucas wonders.

Mika scoffs, “no, kitten, for the other guy. People just can’t stay away from me.”

Lucas rolls his eyes and stands from the couch, “alright, that’s enough for me, I’m heading in.”

“What?! But it’s only seven!” Mika complains.

Lucas shrugs, “sorry, guess you’ll just have to talk to Lisa about your dating profile. Night, guys.”

Lucas obviously doesn’t go to sleep right away. Nope, he spends a few minutes changing into sweats and then the next hour or so scrolling through and switching between the same six apps over and over. It isn’t until about ten that the group chat of him and the gang starts to get active, and begin discussing if they want to have a small get together at Arthur’s place since his parents are out of town. Lucas isn’t one to say no, especially after not seeing the gang for the past week or so. He quickly changes into his signature “romance” hoodie and faded jeans before sneaking out of the house and grabbing his bike to take to Arthur’s. By the time Lucas arrives the boys are already two beers in and in the middle of a very intense video game that looks like it would give Lucas a seizure if he concentrated on it for too long. Lucas, instead, opted for nursing a beer in the small loveseat adjacent to the couch, Yann next to him.

It isn’t until the pizza gets there that they actually start up a conversation, mostly about how Basile and Daphne are doing. Though, when that conversation goes under they turn to Lucas for amusement.

“Any guys catching your eyes this summer, Lucas?” Arthur wonders aloud.

Lucas groans at the question, “everyone’s been pestering me about relationships. What’s with that this summer?”

“Well, it is the summer before we all head of to college.” Yann comments.

“Yeah! We just want our Lucas to get some good dick so he isn’t all grumpy the coming school year!” Basile adds.

Arthur butts in, shaking his head disapprovingly at Basile, “bro, seriously, sense the conversation. It’s like you’re not even talking about the same thing.” Basile grumbles and downs his beer in retaliation.

Lucas laughs at his friends before sighing into his beer, “I mean I want to be in a relationship, but maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m just looking for it too hard.”

“I can help set you up with someone, I have a few acquaintances who would be more than happy to satisfy you, Lucas.” Arthur offers with a playful wink.

“No, no, I think what our boy needs is an old fashioned night in the town. How about we just chill here, have a few more beers, than head to that bar we all like,” Yann offers.

Lucas nods and reluctantly gets up from his spot on the couch, “I think we’re all out of beers. I’ll just run out real fast and get us some.” They all agree and pass Lucas a couple dollars to help split the coast.

Lucas takes his time walking to the store, even opting for the one that’s an extra block away. He loves his friends, he really does. But it’s not like he needs or wants their help in finding him a boyfriend. That’s always been a topic really private to him, at least in the beginning. Eventually everyone starts questioning “why do you have hickeys on your neck?” or “where were you over the weekend?” Which, granted, they should have those questions but usually Lucas likes to keep the beginning as much of a secret as possible, just in case anything goes under.

Lucas walks into the store, and nearly getting blinded by the overly bright fluorescent lights.  He immediately beelines for the back and grabs the cheapest case of beer available. He digs out his phone as he heads back to the register located at the front of the store. Lucas snickers when he sees he has a new message from Emma. He opens it up to find another shared post of the guy from before. Or the guy who now has a name: Eliott. Lucas feels his heart pick up as he opens the post. The lighting in this photo is even better than the last one. His bone structure is to die for, not to mention those eyes-

Lucas is sent flying backwards, his phone falling out of his hand and onto the ground when he accidentally collides with someone as he turns the corner. He frantically apologizes, trying to locate his phone as quickly as possible. As he sees the guy turn around. Lucas’ eyes shoot up and he feels his mouth run dry. This was not happening to him. It couldn’t be.

“Oh, Lucas! Long time no see,” Eliott chuckles.

Lucas gives an awkward laugh, “yeah sorry, uh, I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

Eliott smirks and bends down to pick up his phone, “distracted I see.” Eliott glances at what is on the screen and Lucas feels like he is ready to implode, he was looking at Eliott! “Well, at least you were looking at something worthwhile, huh?” He passes the phone back over.

“You know, I would try to explain it, but I think I would just be digging my own grave,” Lucas blushes.

Eliott laughs, and the sound echoes in Lucas’ ears, “I always appreciate an admirer. Especially one as cute as you.” Lucas feels himself choke on nothing, if he tried to respond he isn’t sure anything would even come out. Eliott breaks the silence as he nods at what Lucas is carrying, “party tonight?”

“Oh, um, no not really. Just me and the guys are chilling at Arthur’s place.” Lucas pauses and glances at what Eliott is holding in the basket, “wow, big homecooked feast planned there?”

Eliott laughs, “no, no. I can’t cook to save my own life if I’m being honest. It’s actually Lucille who offered to cook dinner, but she’s vegan so...lots of greens and other things in this basket.”

Lucas feels his heart constrict at the mention of Lucille’s name. But just as the feeling came on Lucas had to remind himself that for the love of God he doesn’t have any reason to be jealous, it’s not like Eliott would even be interested in Lucas. “That’s nice of her,” Lucas manages to say.

Eliott nods, “we haven’t seen each other in a while. I just moved back into town so,”

“Oh, where’d you move from?” Lucas wonders.

“I went to Paris for a modelling gig, then came back here.”

A model, of course! “Oh, that’s awesome. Is modelling what you want to do?”

Eliott shrugs, “I guess it’s an option. What I really want to get into is art.”

Lucas raises his eyebrows in surprise, Eliott hadn’t really struck him as an artistic type, “that’s awesome, dude!”

Eliott smiles, “thanks. Y’know I can do art, but I can’t seem to find the stupid sugar in this place,” Eliott says exasperated.

Lucas laughs, “I can help you if you want?”

“Would you mind?”

Lucas shakes his head, “of course not! Is it just sugar?”

Eliott bites at his bottom lip, and Lucas can’t help but watch. His eyes finally manage their way back up to Eliott’s eyes and...is that...a blush on his cheeks? “Actually, it’s sugar, brown sugar, brussel sprouts and spinach.”

Lucas smirks, “wow, guess you really do suck at grocery shopping.”

“I told you,”

Lucas laughs and thinks for a couple moments, “so sugar and brown sugar should be in the isle…” he lets his voice trail off as his eyes scan the shelves, falling on what he was looking for. He jumps into action, grabbing both off the shelves before turning back to Eliott, “so here’s these two. You really didn’t see these?” Lucas laughs as Eliott places them in his cart.

Eliott scoffs, “I guess I was too distracted by a certain someone crashing into me.”

“Alright, point taken.” Lucas laughs, “I think that brussel sprouts would be in the frozen foods section, which is just two isles over. And...spinach should probably be there too.”

“Thanks, Lucas, don’t know what I would have done without you,” Eliott says.

He shrugs, “I guess you probably would have just been stuck here wandering around for the next hour or so.”

That made Eliott laugh, “you’re probably right.” Lucas is just about ready to say his goodbyes when Eliott stops him, holding his arm as he tries to walk past, “I’m hosting a somewhat small party at my place next sunday, would you want to come? You could bring your friends if you wanted to.”

Something inside Lucas almost wanted to tease Eliott, have himself play hard to get and just see what the other’s reaction would be. Instead Lucas smiles and says “of course, I can get the information from you next saturday. Sound good?”

Eliott nods, “sounds perfect. Bye, Lucas.”

3.

Next Saturday it’s raining cats and dogs outside. Lucas is immediately disappointed, knowing that Eliott probably won’t show up while it’s raining like this. Though, not that Lucas would object to that. He wouldn’t mind to have some eye candy today, he sorta needs a pick-me-up.  

Mika spent the night at a “friends” house and Manon had left early to have, what Lucas could only guess was, a heated discussion with Charles. Lisa had...disappeared. To be honest, Lucas never really knows where she is. When he got up he had no idea what time it was. The sun was shrouded by the dark clouds, casting even darker shadows over the bleak town.

It’s almost twelve by the time Lucas makes his way into the kitchen. His eyes are still half closed as he fumbles through their cupboards looking for the bread. Lucas gives up on his search after what feels like an eternity of looking. He opts for the couch instead, the ol’ reliable. As he sits down he doesn’t jump to turn on the TV, or to turn on his phone, instead he sits there listening to the rain. It sounds like someone pounding ruthlessly on the window with how hard the rain was hitting it. He lets his head roll back and his eyes drift close. He thinks about just falling asleep on the couch, it wouldn’t be the first time.  

He can feel his subconscious taking over, or actually he can pinpoint the exact moment his subconscious takes over, because of the image of Oliver that appears on his eyelids. Lucas can immediately recognize the memory. It’s of their first real date, they had gone to the park after Lucas got off work. Oliver had packed them a picnic, and Lucas thought it was the most romantic thing ever. They had laughed practically all day, not once was there an awkward silence or even a moment that passed where Lucas felt like he didn’t belong. It all just felt so right. That was the day that Lucas felt like he was falling in love for the first time.

His eyes fluttered open, tears streaming his cheeks. He wiped them away violently, and rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He seriously had to get over that prick. He knew it, his friends knew it, even Tyler knew it. Yet Lucas found it so hard to let go. There is a difference between being in love and falling in love, it seems. Lucas is obviously in love with his mom and his friends, maybe even Mika (though that may be stretching it a little). That type of love is guaranteed. You are guaranteed to love your friends in a way that is indescribable. But with Oliver, it was like falling in love was brand new. It made Lucas’s heart beat faster and his pupils dilate. It made his palms sweat and hairs stand on end. And then it was all gone.

A loud knock at the door startled Lucas out of his daze. It audibly made him gasp and jump off of the couch. He took another second to compose himself, and wiped under his eyes a final time before walking to the door. He unlocks the deadbolt and swings the door open just as a large gust of wind and rain hits him in the face. He blinks his eyes back open against the rain, sort of waiting for the person at the door to say something.

“Lucas, you okay?”

He would recognize that voice anywhere, “Eliott,” Lucas breathes out, like it’s the first time saying his name.

When Lucas doesn’t say anything else Eliott laughs, “that is me. Uh, may I come in? I’m sort of getting soaked.”

Lucas nods frantically and opens the door wide enough for Eliott to step through. As he’s slipping off his shoes and hanging his jacket by the door, Lucas asks, “what are you doing here? You can’t really work on the yard in this weather.”

“I know, but, I told you that I would give you the information for my party tomorrow. I didn’t really want to disappoint.” Eliott smiles over his shoulder.

Lucas bites at his bottom lip, trying to remind himself he shouldn’t get too excited, that Eliott isn’t here to just hang out. “Oh, thanks,” Lucas mumbles and closes the door.

“Sorry, is it a bad time? I can go…”

“No! No! You’re fine, why do you ask?”

Eliott shrugs, “you’re eyes are a little red. Either you’ve been smoking something or you’ve been crying.”

Lucas cringes and, on instinct, goes to wipe his eyes. He isn’t really sure what he’s trying to do, maybe wipe the redness away, “oh, yeah. I wasn’t smoking anything,” Lucas laughs, though that just made him sound pathetic.

Eliott pauses and they are suddenly surrounded by a very tense silence in the middle of a very small entrance. “I won’t ask for any details, since we aren’t that close, but if you want to talk…”

Lucas smiles, “thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Lucas nods his head in the direction of the living room and they start heading that way.

“It’s a nice place,” Eliott comments as they take their places on the couch.

Lucas laughs, “you’ve been in here before!”

“I know, but I didn’t really get to appreciate the structure and composition of the rooms-”

“Okay, okay, we get it you’re an artist.”

Eliott laughs, but slowly it dies away and they are left once again in a rough silence. “So, Sunday,” Eliott begins, finally breaking their pause, “it’s going to be super chill. It’s just going to be like thirty people tops, it starts around 7-8pm, though who knows when people will actually show up. And my house is just a couple streets away from here.”

Lucas smirks, “you came all the way over here to tell me that?”

Eliott shrugs, “no, I came all the way over here, in the rain, mind you, to hang out with the cute and devilishly handsome guy who lives in a house I work for.”

“Oh, you must be looking for Mika then,” Lucas jokes, “sorry he’s not in today-”

“Lucas!” Eliott exclaims in laughter, “I obviously meant you.”

Lucas bites his lip and looks away from the searing gaze Eliott has on him. Lucas doesn’t know how much more of this he can take before he combusts. “How do you do that?” Lucas asks. “Do what?”

“Flirt like that when you obviously still have a girlfriend?” Lucas asks. He nearly regrets the words as soon as they come out of his mouth because of the shocked look which appears on Eliott’s face.

“Lucas, I don’t-” Eliott begins, but then his words fade off into a very quiet “oooooh.” Lucas raises an eyebrow at him as he enters into a fit of laughter.

“What? What’d I say?” Lucas asks.

“Lucas, Lucille is not my girlfriend. She’s my adopted sister.” Eliott laughs again.

Lucas feels the color drain from his face as he mumbles a nearly quiet “oh my god,” followed by his cheeks erupting into flames. “I’m so stupid,” Lucas groans and goes to cover his face with his hands.

Lucas feels his face heat up even more and he rocks back and forth in embarrassment. “I can’t believe I just did that,” Lucas says as Eliott’s hands go to wrap around his wrists and pull his hands away from his face.

“You were jealous! That’s adorable.” Eliott laughs.

Lucas groans again, but this time can’t hide his face in his hands since Eliott still has grip on them, “I was not jealous! I’ve talked to you like three times before today! How could I be jealous?”  Lucas groans and pushes himself off the couch “what do you say we forget that all just happened and have a beer?”

“At 11 o’clock? Of course!”

Within just an hour they had both downed three beers, which actually isn’t too bad. But Lucas had ulterior motives. Because everytime he closed his eyes, Oliver appeared as a very real, very vivid image. He hoped that the alcohol would completely erase him from his mind. Luckily, Lucas had Eliott to help distract him as he told Lucas a story about one of his friends puking on a girl in a very animated way. Lucas appreciated the distraction, though he almost felt guilty in using Eliott to take his mind off Oliver.

The more Lucas drank, the more easy-going he became. He was able to laugh and joke around with Eliott. He told him a couple things he’d never told anyone, not even Yann.

“I’m still trying to get over my ex, who broke up with me and was fucking someone on the side the whole time,” Lucas says.

“I’m bipolar.”

“I broke up my best friend and his girlfriend because I thought I had a crush on him,” Lucas takes of sip of his current beer.

“I cheated on my ex-girlfriend more times than I can count.”

Lucas scoffs, “okay, at least you’re a worse human than I am.” He snickers when Eliott chucks a pillow at him. “I used a girl as a beard for a while,” Lucas mumbles.

“What do you mean?” Eliott asks and looks at Lucas through his half closed eyes.

“You know, when a gay guy uses a girl to pretend that he’s still straight? Wow, you didn’t know what that was/?”

Eliott shakes his head, “oh, I knew what it meant. I just wanted to be certain you were gay before I did this.” Eliott says and pulls out a joint from his pocket. Lucas tries not to think how long that’s been in there. He lights it using a lighter that had been left out of their coffee table.

Lucas watches as Eliott leans forward, closing the distance between them. Lucas doesn’t go to turn away, too caught up in everything Eliott. Eliott’s eyes holding him in place. Eliott’s hand snaking around his waist. Eliott’s other hand placing the lit joint between his soft lips. Eliott as he blows out, releasing a vast amount of smoke between them. Lucas opens his mouth and breathes in, holding the smoke as Eliott pulls the joint from his lips, and only releasing when he knows for sure Eliott is watching.

Lucas takes the initiative, pulling Eliott’s head down to meet his. Their kiss is chaotic. It’s messy. Full of lips and tongue. Lucas barely registers Eliott grounding the lit joint into the ashtray until both of Eliott’s hands are free and they come up to Lucas’s waist, pulling them closer. There is absolutely nothing soft in their movements as Eliott lays Lucas on his back. Eliott nips at the soft skin of Lucas’s neck, trailing hot kisses back up to Lucas’s jaw. Lucas doesn’t think through his movements as he pulls Eliott’s shirt off, followed by his own. Their mouths crash together, as if the mere two seconds they were separated was a decade. A moan is pulled from Lucas’s lips as Eliott grinds down, providing much needed friction. Lucas can feel Eliott’s boner pressed against his thigh, and Lucas is sure Eliott feels his.

Lucas finally decides that just kissing isn’t enough anymore and pushes them upwards with a force that sends Eliott on his back and Lucas straddling his lap. “Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Eliott mumbles and brings his hands up to Lucas’s hips, gripping them with enough pressure to leave possible bruising there the next day.

Lucas slowly starts moving down, pressing kisses over the expanse of Eliott’s toned chest until he gets to his denim jeans. Lucas quickly unbuttons, unzips, and pulls them away to reveal Eliott’s impressive erection. He spends no time in taking Eliott into his mouth, pushing him all the way to the back of his throat. Lucas gags a couple times (he wasn’t lucky enough to be born without a gag reflex) but he forces himself down. The moans coming from Eliott is enough of a reward. He pulls himself off, stroking up and down a couple times before kissing up his length.

“Fuck, Lucas, where did you learn to do that?” Eliott asks breathless.

Lucas smirks, “not my first time, baby.”

Eliott’s eyes roll back as Lucas goes down again, this time bobbing his head and twirling his tongue around the tip of Eliott’s cock. “Shit, you need to stop,” Eliott moans and moves a hand through Lucas’s hair to pull him off.

Lucas pants for a few seconds, trying to decode what Eliott had just said to him, his mind completely elsewhere. “Right, yeah,” Lucas begins, voice already hoarse.

Before Lucas can say anything else Eliott is pushing them back to their original position, Lucas underneath him. Lucas normally likes the more dominating position of riding, but he has to admit that Eliott’s broad shoulders and just their vast size difference makes Lucas feel more secure. Eliott works on Lucas’s jeans for only a couple minutes before they are tossed to the side and they are finally connected skin to skin. Lucas moans at the feeling, and he is so, so glad that his roommates aren’t home.

Eliott’s lips are roaming Lucas’s chest and he mumbles, “I’ve been dying to do this every since I first saw you that day in your loose-fitting shirt when you opened the door for me,” Lucas bites his lip when Eliott leaves a good sized hickey on his neck, just above where any shirt could cover it, “I just knew I had to see that pretty mouth wrapped around my cock.”

Lucas moans, he tries and fails to grind upwards, whining when it doesn’t work. Eliott chuckles, “you want me that bad?” Lucas nods and wraps his arms around Eliott’s neck. “Well, you’re going to have to tell me, babe, or else I won’t know what to do.”

“You know what I want, asshole,” Lucas rushes out as Eliott roams his hands down his chest, lifting up when they get close to Lucas’s crotch.

“I don’t think I do.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Lucas hisses when Eliott’s hands move to roam his backside, “I want you to fuck me, Eliott.”

Lucas can feel Eliott’s smile against his chest. Lucas closes his eyes when he hears Eliott spit into his hand, making impromptu lube, “I don’t have anything, don’t worry,” Eliott mumbles before sliding in a finger. Lucas’s toes curl and he grinds his jaw at the feeling. He hasn’t had sex in a while, so it’s gotten really tight. A few minutes later and Eliott has three fingers in, creating a steady pumping motion that has Lucas moaning for more. Every so often Eliott’s fingers will curl up, hitting the place that sends waves of pleasure and shivers through Lucas.

“Are you okay?” Eliott asks, and Lucas nods. He’s glad that Eliott keeps checking in. He never knew sex could be so pleasurable. With Oliver it was only every about satisfying his needs, rather than Lucas’s.

Eliott removed his fingers allowing Lucas some breathing time before Eliott starting aligning himself. “Ready?” Eliott asks. Lucas nods frantically and wraps his arms a little tighter around Eliott’s neck. Slowly he starts to push in, and Lucas sees stars. It’s centimeter by centimeter, but it’s seems to go on forever. When Eliott is finally flush against Lucas, he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

A few tears fall from Lucas’s eyes, but he has always been the guy to cry during sex. Something in his nature apparently. Slowly, Eliott starts moving, a much slower rhythm than his fingers carried. However, he still managed to hit Lucas’s prostate repeatedly. Everytime he pushed in Lucas would moan with pleasure. Pretty soon Eliott’s rhythm started to become erratic and Lucas knows they were both close. Stars were shooting across his vision as the pressure built up in his abdomen. He didn’t even need to touch his cock before he was screaming out and coming onto his chest. Eliott following only a couple seconds after.

Eliott collapsed on top of Lucas, panting heavily and sweat making hairs stick to his forehead. Lucas doesn’t think twice about moving some hair out of the way and placing kisses onto the sweaty skin. Finally, once their breathing patterns return to normal, Eliott asks, “did you dry come?”

Lucas laughs and brushes his fingers through Eliott’s hair. “I guess I did.”

Eliott positions his head on Lucas’s chest so they can make eye contact with each other, “you are unbelievable, Lucas.”

Lucas hums, “I guess I am. But props to you for hitting my prostate every time.”

Eliott laughs, “I guess that’s my specialty.”

“I’m going to go grab us some towels,” Lucas says and slowly shifts out from under Eliott until he’s back on his feet. He shimies into his underwear before marching through the house to find their cupboard of towels.

When he walks into the kitchen he tosses one to Eliott and begins wiping himself down. He sits beside Eliott on the couch, a silence falling over them. It’s charged with a question neither of them are ready to ask.

It’s a couple more minutes before Eliott speaks up, “so, what is this?” Lucas refuses to meet his eyes, looking everywhere but at Eliott. “Is it casual?”

Lucas’s eyes finally flick up to find Eliott’s, “casual, yeah. Sounds good.”

Lucas feels like he’s a hollow shell as he watches Eliott get dressed back into his jeans and t-shirt. He slips his own shirt on to walk Eliott out. Lucas opens the door for them and Eliott walks through. The problem is you can’t really get attached, since you have to have a mutual understanding that it’s going to end. That’s been a problem with some of my past flings, Lucas hear’s Mika’s voice in his head. They pause in the threshold as Eliott hands over his phone, and Lucas fills in his contact info before handing it back over. No words exchanged.

He closes the door without waiting for Eliott to get all the way to his car. Once he hears the truck drive away, he falls to his knees, breaking down into tears.

4.

Lucas purposefully evades the house next Saturday, trying his best to avoid Eliott because he knows as soon as he lays eyes on him his heart will melt. So, when Lucas gets a text from Eliott Monday night asking if he wants to go for a ride, he can’t refuse.

Mika gives Lucas a wary look when he walks past them in the living room. Lucas didn’t dress “to the nines” for a booty call from Eliott, which is exactly what it was. Though, Lucas isn’t necessarily complaining, the sex is really good. And as Mika said, so is the talking, though they do less of that. By the time Lucas is walking out the front door, Eliott is pulling up in his truck. He rolls down his window as Lucas walks up, and pokes his head down to give Lucas a beaming grin. Don’t smile like that if you don’t mean it, Lucas wants to say as he climbs into the passenger seat.

“Hey, baby,” Eliott says and gives Lucas a little peck on the cheek.

Lucas can’t help but smile, and he hates himself for it. “Hey,” he replies and buckles himself in, “where are we going?”

Eliott hums as he puts the car into drive, “you’ll see.”

The drive there is silent. Lucas stares out the window and watches as the suburbs become farmland. Even when they are barely any houses, they keep driving. They could have gone on forever, and Lucas would not have minded. Finally Eliott pulls over as the sun is setting over the horizon. They are in an empty cornfield that seems to stretch on for miles. It’s almost breathtaking.

“Where are we?” Lucas asks as he hops out of the car and walks around to the front, Eliott mirroring his movements.

“Well, my family used to live out here. We only recently moved to the city. But, anytime I got overwhelmed or scared I would come here.” Eliott shrugs and his eyes survey the horizon. “I know it looks like every other corn field out there, and to be honest it is, but there is something more peaceful here. More serene.”

Lucas smiles up at Eliott and takes his time in studying his expression. It only lasts a few seconds before Eliott glances down, locking eyes with Lucas. A hand snakes around Lucas’s neck and he’s being pulled into a kiss. It’s softer this time, less rushed. The feel of each other’s lips is familiar, and Lucas melts into the feeling.

He didn’t really get a chance to before, because it was so hectic, but Lucas studied the way Eliott kisses. He kisses like Lucas is air and he’s been drowning for years. He kisses like he’s never tasted or felt anything more beautiful.

And Lucas’s heart breaks knowing that Eliott has kissed others in the same way.

Lucas pulls away from the kiss, cutting it short. Eliott seems confused and pants for a couple seconds before running a hand through Lucas’s hair. “You okay?” He asks.

Lucas forces a smile, “yeah, yeah. Let’s get in the car.” He says and grabs Eliott’s hands, pulling him to the back seat.

Lucas pushed Eliott in first, making him land on his back. Lucas crawls in afterwards, closes the door behind him and he straddles Eliott’s lap. He quickly strips himself of his shirt, throwing it out of the way.

“Lucas…” Eliott whispers and starts to sit upright.

Lucas shakes his head and presses a hand to Eliott’s chest, pushing him back down. Eliott doesn’t protest, but keeps his hands positioned on Lucas’s waist.

Riding Eliott felt like an awakening. Being able to watch him slowly unravel and fall apart underneath had Lucas moaning. As they reached their end Eliott grabbed a tight hold onto Lucas’s waist, halting Lucas’s rhythm. He started thrusting hard upwards and Lucas completely unraveled. He came with a moan loud enough it could have been mistaken for a scream.

Afterwards they wrap themselves in a blanket Eliott had in the back seat. Lucas laid his head down on Eliott’s chest. To be honest, Lucas was practically laying on top of Eliott because of the thin seats. But neither were complaining. It was actually nice being able to rest his head on Eliott’s chest and trace different shapes over and across the large expanse of skin. Eliott had his arms wrapped around Lucas protectively, yet gentle as if he pressed any harder Lucas would shatter.

“I think you left some bruises on my hips,” Lucas jones after a little while of silence.

Eliott laughs, “good, everyone will know you’re already fucking someone.”

“That hickey you gave me has barely faded away and it’s been over a week.”

“You just bruise like a peach, it’s not my fault,” Eliott laughs again as Lucas punches his chest playfully.

After a while Lucas goes to shift his position, to take some of the pressure off of his left arm. But a rush of soreness shoots up Lucas’s back making utter a soft “ow!”

“You okay?” Eliott asks.

Lucas nods, “yeah, just sore.”

Eliott wiggles his eyebrows at Lucas as he lays back down, “I guess I did my job well then.”

“Shut up, idiot.”

Eliott grins and loops an arm up around Lucas’s head, pressing him impossibly closer. Eventually they both drift off to sleep. Eliott’s heart acting as a soft metronome.

When Lucas next woke his head was spinning. He tried to get a sense of his bearings, but it took him a good few minutes to figure out he was in a car. He groaned as he stretched out his legs and arms, only then realizing that he was being spooned by another person on the narrow car seats. Memories of the night before comes back to him all at once as he shifts his hips and groans out in pain. Damn, Eliott really did him rough.

“Lucas?” a husky voice asks from behind him.

“Morning,” he replies, and smirks as he rubs backwards into Eliott eliciting a low groan from the older boy.

“Mm, don’t do that, baby. I might just jump you,” Eliott mumbles into the soft skin of Lucas’s neck.

“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily refuse,” Lucas jokes and Eliott laughs.

“Okay, I definitely would but I think we should probably leave pretty soon.”

“Wow, you don’t have any balls anymore do you?” Lucas laugh and he can practically feel Eliott’s eye roll. “There is definitely an Eliott in some parallel universe who decides to ravish Lucas in this car, right here right now.”

“‘Some parallel universe?’” Eliott asks.

“It’s my theory,” Lucas explains, “that every time we have to make a decision, there is a different version of me in another universe who made the other choice. So in every life, I’ve tried everything.”

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

Lucas hums, “well, you’re wrong. Because there are multiple Eliott’s and Lucas’s laying together right now like we are. There are some who are still pining after each other. There’s one version where Eliott didn’t come in for a drink of lemonade the first day they saw each other. There’s another Eliott and Lucas who met at school.” Lucas pauses, and shuffles backwards to press his back against Eliott’s chest, “and there is an Eliott and Lucas who aren’t just having casual sex. Instead, they are telling one another that they love each other for the first time.”

5.

It’s been nearly a month since Lucas and Eliott started their “friends with benefits” relationship, and Lucas knows he’s in way over his head. Ever since that car ride with Eliott, slowly but surely, he’s feeling have grown from attraction to love. He tries to ignore it, he really does. Because they have a ton of fun together. And at times it is easier to forget, like when they are just talking normally or when Eliott is balls deep inside of him and Lucas is screaming to come. Those times are easier.

But then there is time in between. When Eliott presses gentle kisses to Lucas’s forehead, lulling him to sleep as he massages his scalp. Or when they stay awake afterwards and watch a cheesy Disney movie. Or when Lucas is having post-sex cravings, but his joints are too sore to move so Eliott offers to go get him whatever he wants.

It hurts because even if Lucas were to move on from Eliott, he knows he would never be able to find someone who satisfies him as much as Eliott does. And not just physically. Yes, their bodies match so well together, but also mentally. They can laugh and just enjoy each other’s company without it always having to be about the sex. So, Lucas drew himself a line, at least until his crush passes. That’s all it is, a crush. At least that’s what Lucas tries to convince himself.

He won’t allow any kisses on the lips from this point onward, he’s decided. It sounds stupid, since people would argue that getting kissed on the lips is less intimate than having sex until the early hours of the morning like Lucas and Eliott have been doing. But sex with Eliott is almost animalistic. Sure, there are days when he is calm and builds Lucas up to his climax, but really it’s all about satisfaction. Kissing on the lips is much more intimate than just seeking release. Kissing each other slowly is almost like telling the person “I like you, I like you a lot.” And Lucas doesn’t think he could hold himself back from murmuring a soft “I love you” against Eliott’s lips if they ever kissed again.

“Lucas is probably going to be with his newest fuck buddy this weekend,” Arthur says as he repeadtedly smashes a button on the controller pointed at the TV.

He had decided to hang with the Gang for the first time in about two weeks. Lucas actually turned Eliott down on an offer to make time for his friends, which Lucas saw as growth. Slowly trying to separate himself from everything Eliott.

Yet, here he was. Making himself into the conversation of his tight friend group.

“WHA- I don’t have a fuck buddy!” Lucas protests and sits up in his chair.

Yann rolls his eyes, “dude, even if you say that you have about ten hickeys on your neck. Obviously you’re fucking somebody.”

“Or you’re the one getting fucked…?” Basile adds, more as a question.

Arthur sighs in exasperation, “seriously, Basile. Sense the conversation.” Arthur shakes his head as he turns back to Lucas, “so who is he?”

Lucas sighs in defeat, “you guys don’t know him.”

“Try us,” Yann says.

“Fine, his name is Eliott. And before any of you say anything about it, we both agreed that it was something casual. Just like a, a summer fling if you will.”

Yann pauses and narrows his eyes at Lucas, “you like him don’t you?”

“What, Yann! You can’t just ask him-”

“Ugh, yeah! Okay I do!” Lucas juts in, cutting Arthur off. “He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a guy. He’s nice to talk to, he’s funny, we have a crap ton in common, he’s hot, and, of course, to top it all off he’s actually really, really fucking good in bed. It’s just unfair!” Lucas groans, “at the beginning I was just using him to get over Oliver, but now it’s like I’m falling in love with him and I just can’t stop!”

“Have you considered the possibility that Eliott is falling for you too?” Basile asks.

Lucas shakes his head, “no, I mean he was the one who proposed we do it casual.”

“Well, wait,” Yann says and shifts forward on the couch, “did he propose it or did he just ask you if you wanted it casual.”

Lucas pauses, “I can’t...remember.”

Yann raises an eyebrow at him, smile growing wider, “okay, so. So far we have that he may or may not have proposed a casual relationship, but also that he obviously spends a lot of time around you, and he obviously likes to leave hickeys on you where he knows other people will be able to see them.” Yann pauses. “Maybe he doesn’t want the relationship to remain casual anymore?”

Lucas isn’t entirely sure how to respond, so he doesn’t.

“Right,” Yann breathes in, “so, why don’t you contact him?”

Lucas rolls his eyes at his friend, “I’m not going to confess my love to him over text, Yann.”

“Right, you shouldn’t.” Arthur jumps in, “why don’t you ask Eliott where he is? Then maybe you can meet him and have a talk with him.”

“Yeah! Do that, do that!” Basile says all too ecstatically.

Eventually all of them are chanting for Lucas to text Eliott. Lucas laughs as he pulls out his phone and types in Eliott’s contact. The idiot had named himself in Lucas’s phone: love of my life, my one and only with a few heart emojis to boot.

To: Hey, where are you right now?

From: Awe, does my baby miss me that much?

From: May I remind you that you were the one who said no sex tonight? ;) Cockblocked yourself, mister.

To: Jesus, you are too much to handle.

From: Mm, well obviously, I had you biting your arm so hard last time to hold back your shouts.

To: That isn’t what I meant, ugh! Nevermind, forget it

From: No, no, I’m sorry. What’s up?

To: Nothing, I just wanted to know what you were up to.

From: Well, since you turned me down :( I went to a party at a Idriss’ house.

To: Ah, okay.

From: ??

From: That’s it?

To: Yeah

From: You are very weird, Monsieur Lallemant.

To: Thanks

“He’s at a party hosted by Idriss.” Lucas reports.

Yann claps his hands in excitement, “well let’s go then! I know his apartment!”

When they walk into the party, they look like a group of deer in headlights. Lucas has never been a big drinker, so parties are not really his thing. And this party was...chaotic. Every person looked like they were drunk out of their minds and just about ready to pass out. Or there were the people in one room passing around the thickest joint Lucas has ever seen.

He grabs himself a beer, to at least look like he’s doing something, before walking around and looking for Eliott. He checks all the downstairs rooms, even in the basement. Still no sign of Eliott. Maybe he went home?

The deep bass of the songs playing starts getting to Lucas’s head, and he knows if he doesn’t leave soon he has the high possibility of passing out. He’s grabbing his jacket and slipping it on when he takes a glance up the stairs. He feels his heart stop.

“Lucas, where’s your man?” Arthur asks excitedly as he comes up beside Lucas. Obviously he doesn’t see the tears streaming down Lucas’s face or the slight flashes of anger as they pass through him. Lucas can’t form any words, so all he can do is motion his head up the stairs. Lucas watches as Arthur follows his gaze, and he watches as his smile fades away. There Eliott stands, pressing himself against a guy who clearly wasn’t Lucas. Because Lucas is the one watching them. Arthur turns away when they see Eliott and the other guy disappear into the closest room. “Lucas…” Arthur begins.

He shakes his head, “nah, it’s okay.” He knows he isn’t convincing either of them as another tear runs the length of his cheek, “I mean, we’re casual. He’s probably been...he’s probably been fucking other people this whole time, right? I’m not special. I’m just a toy. I knew that. It’s fine. It’s okay.” Lucas rushes out of the house. Everything suddenly becoming too overwhelming.

He makes it past the driveway and down the street before he’s kicking and screaming at a metal gate. He slams himself against it, punches it, and curses at it until his fingers are bleeding.

+1

To Lucas: Hey, what are you doing later?

To Lucas: Did you ever come to Idriss’ party?

To Lucas: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything okay?

To Lucas: Did I do something?

To Lucas: Lucas?

To Lucas: Okay, you’re sort of freaking me out, are you safe?

To Lucas: Lucas, why aren’t you responding. I saw your instagram post.

It’s been two weeks since the night of Idriss’ party. Eliott had been repeatedly calling and texting Lucas, yet to no avail. Maybe Lucas was done with him. Well, ever since Lucas’s most recent post on Instagram, it’s been made clear that Lucas moved on. In the photo Lucas has his arms wrapped around a guy Eliott would describe as...decent looking. They’re both smiling and gazing into each other’s eyes. It almost makes Eliott sick. The caption ties the whole thing together: he thinks because we’re on a date he gets to eat my fries. It’s cheesy, and Eliott nearly smiled at it the first time he read it.

But then his heart was ripped out of his chest. Because it meant that Lucas was cutting all ties with Eliott. It made sense, especially if he’s gotten a boyfriend. He wouldn’t want a fuck-buddy around. But that was the issue.

Eliott was so caught up in their friends with benefits relationship he hadn’t even realized he was falling for Lucas. And he had been falling hard. When Lucas began cutting ties with him, he was plunged into a period of depression. He locked himself in his room, cancelled the job he had with Mika to avoid contact with Lucas, and even turned his phone off. It wasn’t until Idriss and Sofiane burst into his room that he actually got out of bed. They had demanded to know what was going on. Eliott explained to them the situation: Lucas had cut ties, he’d gotten himself a boyfriend, and Eliott is slowly dying without him

“Wait, Lucas as in Lucas Lallemant?” Idriss asks.

Eliott nods his head while shooting his friend a questioning look.

“Well, he’s friends with Yann, uh, yeah Yann that’s his name. I saw them at my party Friday, and Yann and I were talking when all of a sudden Lucas came rushing past us, he looked super upset. It looked like he had been crying. We overheard some of the conversation between Lucas and his other friend, blonde hair, glasses guy.” Idriss pauses, “anyways, we heard them him something about ‘Lucas, I’m sorry. I can’t believe he did that’ and Lucas responded with something along the lines of ‘well, I’m his fuck toy so I don’t know what I expected.’”

Eliott frowns, trying to understand what they could have been talking about. Then it dawned on him, he had been making out with a guy before going into a room together. Eliott was so drunk he honestly doesn’t remember half of it. He does remember than he ended up throwing up on the guy, so obviously they didn’t end up doing anything. But, shit, Lucas doesn’t know that. “Oh, fuck,” Eliott groans and runs his hands through his hair. “They must have seen me go into the room with that guy. Shit.”

Sofiane frowned, “what guy? Did something happen?”

Eliott shook his head, “no, no. I...I ended up not going through with it. I felt...guilty.” Which was part of the truth, his friends didn’t need to know the more embarrassing details.

Sofiane lifted his eyebrows, “bro, you need to text Lucas. Tell him what you just told us. He obviously has deeper feelings for you as well, he was super upset it sounds like.”

Eliott pauses, “you think so?”

Idriss and Sofiane nod their head frantically.

Eliott laughs at his friends, but his smile fades almost immediately after, “but what if he doesn’t feel the same way? Or just doesn’t respond to this text either.”

Idriss places a gentle hand on Eliott’s shoulder, “you don’t know until you try, do you?”

He gives his friends a parting smile as they slowly make their way out of the room. It takes Eliott a couple more minutes to make his hands stop shaking and reach to unplug his phones. He opens his messages to Lucas, his heart slightly breaking at all the messages Lucas has still yet to respond to. Eliott takes a deep breath, his fingers typing out a message. He doesn’t want to scare Lucas off with a sudden barrage of all of his emotions. So he opts for a simple: Hey, Lucas, I miss you and I really want to talk. Just talk. I have some stuff I need to tell you.

It takes a day for Lucas to respond. It was shocking to Eliott that Lucas actually read it and responded to his message. He thought he was going to have radio silence forever.

He had holed himself in his room, turning off all notifications except for ones coming from Lucas. So when he heard his phone ping from his bedside he scrambles to grab his phone. His eyes finally focus on the screen, and he can practically hear his heart shattering.

From Lucas: Please stop contacting me, Eliott. I’m trying to move on from you. I saw you with that guy at Idriss’ party and I realized that I can’t do this casual thing forever. I realized I was falling in love with you, and obviously those are emotions that would get tangled in your whole ‘no strings attached’ thing. You contacting me isn’t making it any easier. Just stop.

Eliott feels like he is going to throw up. That was it. He lost his chance. Lucas doesn’t want to see him anymore. Sure, he’d gotten a confession, “I realized I was falling in love with you.” But Lucas already moved on. Lucas now has that guy who he flaunts on Instagram. Eliott briefly thinks about contacting that guy via Instagram and telling him that Lucas’s been fucking someone on the side, but he isn’t that evil. Instead he goes back to hiding himself in his room. Drawing pages upon pages of a raccoon and a hedgehog, smiling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, watching TV, moving in together, sleeping together, everything that their alternate universe selves could go doing at this very moment.

But of course he’s in the one universe where they go their separate ways.

Eliott’s forced out of his apartment when he runs out of milk around 10pm. He had been making  cereal but was sourly disappointed when he found they didn’t have any milk. And neither Idriss or Sofiane are home to go get him some. He forces his legs into sweatpants and throws on his one sweatshirt before heading out the door. He looks like shit, he realizes, but he can’t find it in him to care. It’s now been a week since Lucas responded to his message. And in that week Lucas has posted another photo with his boyfriend on a dinner date. A dinner date Eliott wishes he could have been on with Lucas.

It’s slowly eating him alive, he thinks. The fact that he’s lost Lucas feels like it’s tearing him limb from limb. He regrets every waking moment that Lucas isn’t with him. That Lucas isn’t in his arms. Or when he can’t run out at one in the morning to go grab Lucas what he’s craving that very moment.

Eliott walks in like a zombie, barely having enough energy to pick up his feet as he walks to the back of the store. He grabs a random jug of milk, the weight of the carton pulling him forward. He watches his feet as he walks. He blinks slowly as the ground moves underneath him, and it begins to feel as if he isn’t even walking himself. Eliott bumps into something, and mutters a soft “sorry.” It’s when he hears a reply that he realizes he hadn’t bumped into something, but rather someone. He picks his head up to give an honest apology, but is met with the image of Lucas standing in front of the cereal. Their eyes lock for just a second before Lucas turns to run away.

“Lucas.” His voice halts Lucas dead in his tracks.

Lucas spins on his heels, coming face to face with a very disgruntled looking Eliott. He is probably the most worn-out looking Lucas has ever seen him. He’s in nothing but sweats, which Lucas didn’t even know he owned, his hair is more messy than usual, the dark circles under his eyes speak volumes on how little sleep he’s gotten, and he looks even thinner, almost like a shell of an Eliott he once was.

Lucas cradles the carton of orange juice in his arm and grips the box of cookies a little tighter, “hey, Eliott.”

Eliott doesn’t smile as he steps closer, but he tries to make a joke nonetheless, “big night I see.”

Lucas smiles, “well, Victor is over, so.”

Eliott feels his blood run cold. Victor. Most likely the boyfriend. “Ah, okay. Guess you had to find someone to replace me,” the joke runs flat. It doesn’t come out as a joke at all. All it does is make Lucas shift uncomfortably where he stands.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Lucas mutters and Eliott feels his heart flutter for just a second. “He’s nice, though. Yann introduced us. But, uh, there is one major issue with him.”

“And what’s that?” Eliott smiles.

“He likes dipping oreos in orange juice.” Lucas nearly whispers it and quirks an eyebrow up at him.

Eliott shakes his head in disbelief, “well, that is obviously inhumane. Are you sure he’s human?”

Lucas laughs, god, how Eliott missed that sound. “Sometimes I wonder. Anyways, I should probably, uh, head out. Don’t want to keep him waiting too long.”

Eliott nods, sucking in a breath, “yeah, of course.” He wants to scream when Lucas turns back around, walking slowly towards the front of the store. Eliott wants to beg Lucas to stay. To talk. Even for just another minute. Just long enough to tell him how much he regrets every choice he’s made up till now. How much he wants to kiss him and tell him he loves him. And cuddle and watch stupid cheesy movies togther. He wants to eat oreos with milk, like a normal human does. He wants to just kiss those lips one more time. He wants to brush his hands through Lucas’s hair one more time.

He wants to whisper a soft “I love you” in the morning before Lucas has woken up because Eliott was too ecstatic to fall asleep with an absolute angel sleeping next to him. Just one more time.

But Eliott was stupid enough to go into that room with a guy he can’t even remember the name of. A guy whose face is just a blur. Lucas could be his, and yet he still managed to fuck it up.

Before Eliott can stop himself he is sprinting out of the store, dropping things on random shelves as he goes. When he breaks out into the street he frantically looks from side to side, searching for the brown hair that sticks up every which way. It’s pouring outside, a storm passing overhead, and it blurs his vision. He spots him, moving in and out of the crowd. Eliott feels his throat constrict and heart rate pick up as he frantically moves after him. But it feels like the closer he gets, the faster Lucas is moving.

Eliott almost thinks it’s a lost battle, about to give up when he shouts a quick “Lucas!” not even sure if the boy will hear it over the pouring of the rain.

Eliott can do nothing but watch as Lucas slows down and looks over the sea of people, finally locking eyes with Eliott. Eliott’s face breaks into a grin, and he doesn’t care how stupid he looks as he trips over himself trying to reach the man of his dreams.

“Eliott?” Lucas asks, as if he isn’t sure if Eliott is really in front of him.

“Sorry, I-” Eliott swallows. He didn’t plan out anything to say.

Lucas waits patiently, searching Eliott’s face for any clue as to what is coming next.

“Lucas, I just, I need you to know,” Eliott can’t get the words out.

Lucas rolls his eyes, “Eliott, saying sorry isn’t going to get me back in your bed. I need you to understand that I fell in love with you, and it’s just too painful for me to continue this friends with benefits thing we have going on if I can’t actually have you in my life. You can’t just be some drifter who comes in and out whenever he pleases. I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way, but I need a foundation. And, and it breaks my heart that you aren’t ready to offer me that.”

Lucas is about to turn away, but Eliott grabs his arm before he really has the opportunity, “no, Lucas. I-that wasn’t what I was going to say. Sure, I am sorry. I made so many choices that I regret. But, God, it’s killing me every second you aren’t with me. To be honest I’ve never felt this way with anyone before you.” Lucas is about to roll his eyes, so Eliott laughs and says, “and before you roll your eyes at how cheesy I sound, just know it’s true. I made poor decisions because I was falling in love with you. And I still am. I’m continuously falling for you, Lucas. I love you.”

Eliott can see the shocked expression flicker across Lucas’s face. And then an expression that says “I don’t know how to respond to that.” Lucas takes a breath in, “but, I...It’s too late, Eliott.” Eliott bites his bottom lip, hard enough so that it distracts him from the breaking of his heart. “I can’t just leave Victor…”

“But you can, Lucas!” Eliott pleads and grabs hold of Lucas’s free hand, “I want to be your boyfriend. I want to have a life with you. I want to see where our lives are headed, together. I could even see myself marrying you, Lucas. Which sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true.”

Lucas searches in Eliott’s eyes, maybe he is searching for the answer to their problems, he isn’t really sure. “I need some time,” Lucas mumbles and slowly slips his hand out of Eliott’s reach.

Eliott shakes his head as he watches Lucas’s gaze turn away. In one last attempt Eliott uses his hands to cup Lucas’s face, forcing them to face each other. Lucas is about to say something, but doesn’t have a chance before Eliott’s lips on his. Eliott melts into the kiss. Lucas tastes like honey, sweetness must pump throat his very veins. Lucas responds, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Eliott hears Lucas drop his bag of groceries in order to wrap both his arms around Eliott’s neck.

Eliott knows he needs to stop the kiss, because he’s trying to prove to Lucas he’s not just a sex toy, but the man that stole his heart. So Eliott slowly takes his lips away, and rests their foreheads together. “I love you, Lucas.” Eliott mutters against Lucas’s lips, “take all the time you need. But...preferably sooner than later. Because it’s killing me, Lucas.”

Lucas laughs breathily, and Eliott can tell neither of them are ready to pull away just yet, so he forces himself to make the first move. He steps away, untangling his fingers from Lucas’s hair. He walks backwards until Lucas is lost in the sea of people.

It’s another week before Lucas contacts Eliott. He’s just lounging around his house after his lectures at his university, obviously trying not to think about Lucas. But failing miserably. He practically jumps to his phone at the notification from Lucas. Next thing he knows he’s sitting in his car parked outside of Lucas’s house, trying to build up the courage to actually walk to the front door.

But before Eliott can unbuckle his seat belt Lucas is opening the door and standing in his doorway. Eliott notes that he looks positively ethereal standing there. Hips cocked outwards, hair a spikey mess, eyes red and puffy, and those lips mouthing Eliott’s name. Then Eliott realizes that Lucas is crying, and he’s only mouthing his name because he isn’t able to actually form any words without fear of his voice breaking.

That sends Eliott flying out of his car, rushing to cup Lucas’s head in his hands. They crash into the hug and Eliott feels Lucas smile against his shoulder, which eases away some of his worry. They stand there for what could have been eternity before Lucas whispers,

“I ended things with Victor, neither of us took it well.”

Eliott smiles, “well, I guess I’ll just have to take responsibility than.” He lifts his head off Lucas’s shoulder in order to cup his head in his hands and wipe away his tears. “I love you, Lallemant, so you better at least take responsibility for that.”

Lucas laughs, and the glassiness in his eyes fade. “Oh, I plan to.”

Eliott melts at the sight of Lucas’s smile. All he wants is for his boy to feel better. “Want to go watch a movie?” Eliott asks.

Lucas nods, “but only if it’s Oui-Oui.”

Eliott laughs, “whatever you want, baby.”

[mrsmess]

Faves and fails of SPN (season 12):

Favorite episodes in chronological order:

12:3 The Foundry - Mylings! Nuff said. And I knew it as soon as I heard the baby cry. And that makes me feel good about me.

12:4 American Nightmare - Stigmata. Dean dressed as a priest getting stuck looking at a boy lighting a candle in the church. Mr Mess: ”Dean! Time and place!” Sam wasting his sensemaking on a relentlessly angry Dean as usual, but then laying the hard truth on the crazy lady - is it hot in here?

12:5 The One You’ve Been Waiting For - Nazi dirtbags! Referencing one of the great episodes of season 8 too. Good. Good. And Allison Paige is friggin’ beautiful! Nauhaus is such a spoofy villain I think this is a comedy. ”Do you know what it’s like to have en nazi necromancer as a father?” ”He had a guy named Fritz try to kill me!” GOLD.

12:6 Celebrating the life of Asa Fox - badass-intro. And Jody. Hunter community! Canadian hunter community! Here for it. Bucky, or as I like to call him: demon nr 5 from early season.... single digits.

12:7 Rock never dies - Loving this glam-metal thing. Crowley in LA. And omg! Cass being snarky with Dean of all people. ”Atleast I don’t look like a lumberjack.” I laughed. And Mr Mess pointed out that Cass is tired, that that’s why he snapped, and it dawned on me that Cass is *choosing* to be kind under normal circumstances. My heart! ”I work for sexists, rasists, even politicians.” Lol. Loving the group dynamic of the four. But I’m a bit disappointed that Lucifer can’t chill, he could have had so much fun.

12:11 Regarding Dean - A goofy Dean episode. That’s rarely bad news. I like Rowena in this, she’s rly growing on me.

12:15 Somewhere between heaven and hell - Honesty’s the best policy, signed, Dean. Hear, hear! ”So, ten years ago did you rly want something? Like, a Hello Kitty backpack or the death of an enemy?” Lol! Dean and Crowley and Lucifer breaking free! Dean is a hoot this episode. Sam, killing the hellhound like a pro, and thanking Crowley. And Crowley kicking Lucifer’s ass. That’s the stuff. And Sam being honest with Dean and Dean being all reasonable about it! Loving it!

12:16 Ladies drink free - Claire! Nuff said. Loving everyone this episode, except Mick of course, but my homicidal thoughts at the sight of his beard have lessened. ”The experiment was on mice.” Werewolf-mice! XD

12:17 The british invasion - Eileen! God this show needs more women, the brothers are so much better dealing w them, which I guess is a problem on its own. ”Make your voice a mail.” Oh Cass. Eileen and Sam! My heart! Am I shipping this? God I hope not, it’ll mean instant death. God, Mick is an idiot, I mean, I’m obv digging his change of heart, but apparently he hasn’t learned a thing in the entire life he’s worked for his fucky organization.

12:18 The memory remains - Goodness. Loving this intro. Taxidermist sheriff. Man, sometimes I feel these quirky characters are wasted on the just-passing-through format. ”Hunting people! Killing them! The family business!” Lol.

Fail episodes in chronological order:

12:1 Keep Calm and Carry on - ”You’re bad at your job.” Sure, she has a point, but as generous as this british chick’s offer is, her pitch is somewhat lacking. A torture montage is the quickest way to wind up on the fail list. Also ”break his mind”? That’s what it’s like inside Sam’s head *all* the time.

12:2 Mamma Mia - A sexscene featuring Dean Forrester is the second quickest way to wind up on the fail list. You say his name is Sam Winchester? Nah. Nope. Not buying it. Listen, I know I talk a tall game about being a big Sam-fan, I just don’t ship him with a.n.y.o.n.e. So what the sexscene isn’t real!? I still had to see it with my own orbs of sight. ”Your job was to find american hunters and gain their trust.” I’m howling! Maybe *you’re* rly bad at your job, lady!

12:10 Lily Sunder has some regrets - uhm... using demon number 5 to play other randos throughout a 15 season show I’ll forgive them for but you can’t use the same distinct actor (Ian Tracey) to play two distinctly different characters (Lee/Ishim) and not acknowledge it, especially when they could easily explain it as Lee’s body being possessed by Ishim. It ruins the whole episode for me. Also, I’m rooting for the ”bad” guy.

12:14 The raid - The british men of letters are the worst, they are worthless recruiting agents, salesmen and got crappy intel; where the Winchesters go the rest of the american hunters will follow? Pretty sure the opposite is true: ”Oh shit, the Winchesters are joining ’em? Better stay as far away from that shit as possible!” Also Mary’s being more than a little silly and I’m surprised Sam didn’t give her some speech about how he used to aim for big things like killing the devil, closing the gates of hell, before learning to settle for more realistic goals, like, staying alive, keepin your brother alive, savoring the occasional win, y’know, for the sake of your mental health. Anyhoo; Sam’s reaction on finding out Mary gave the Colt to the british men of letters might have been enough put it on the fave list but there are just so many icky characters and so many shots of Mick’s ugly beard I can’t let it slide. Plus Sam winds up joining these assholes. Boooohhhh!

12:20 Twigs & twine & Tasha Banes - Jeez. Petition to have Dean always justify his icky feelings about something w the Star Wars classic ”i got a bad feeling about this.” It would save time and my sanity. Also I have issues w Mary not being reasonable and understanding the basics about the life she and the boys are leading - you’re in or out, but there’s no finishing it w/o finishing yourself. Is this season’s big bad trying to annoy me to death? And the other hunters? What is it with this show and any other fun or awesome characters? Sorry, can’t keep ’em on, it’s a density-thing.

12:21 There’s something about Mary - Booohh! First Eileen, my bae (did I call it or did I call it?) and then the entire episode is full of The Big Annoying. First episode I didn’t bother finishing. Screw this season.

12:23 All along the watchtower - honestly I don’t get the constant jokes about IKEAs manuals, they’re all pictures, you don’t even need to be able to read to read them. Crowley <3 Plz spare me this show’s take on child birth, really just any show, (how is it possible that it’s so frickin’ hard to get right??), but especially this show’s. And Crowley. And Cass. And Mary. Such an intense bummer.

Honorable mentions:

Crowley blowing up Rowena’s scammer! And Rowena’s reaction! ”That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me!” Covered in blood. Priceless.

Cass and his sass is on this season. He’s so done w everyone. The exasperation!

The hug at the end of 12:22.

Dishonorable mentions:

Dean and Sam making a deal to get out of jail, kinda unepic w a predictable outcome.

Mediocre mentions:

The entire episode Stuck in the middle (with you) - It’s a Reservoir Dogs reference right? And it works very well until you realize that, then you just start missing Tarantino’s poignant dialogue about tipping (not fucking!) your waitress. The return of the yelloweyed bloodline. Bound to happen with Mary back. Don’t care about that but I do care about Crowley being back and being awesome. The Dukes of Haphazard. That’s good, I’ve just been referring to them as the Two Stooges.

The episode Who we are - There are separate aspects of this I like: Dean and Sam blasting their way out of the bunker, Jody and Alex, Dean dreamwalking Mary back home. Ackles is a genius with this sort of thing. But it’s just so silly: The british men of letters are just so unepic, it ruins everything, wraps it in a mediocre blanket: They’re bad at their job, have inexplicable motivations, are such annoying stereotypes the only way this would be a win would’ve been if Sam’s speech went something along the lines of ”I’ve had this fly buzzin’ around my ear all year, I could use your help squashing it.” But at least, then they do.

Summing up:

I’m rly enjoying the warped relationships early in the season. Crowley and Cass. Rowena and Lucifer, Rowena and Crowley. Sam, Dean and Mary. But my usual creed about the gooey middles of seasons doesn’t hold true this time and I rly feel like it gets good only when it’s almost over. And honestly on whole the season is the worst so far. The british men of letters are so annoying and they’re everywhere, tainting everything. Ugh.

[sapphicscholar]

Happy birthday, @argyle-s! Hope ya enjoy the tooth-rotting fluff as I sneak in right under the deadline!

Chapter Text

“73 down: apparel company whose first letter stands for a three-letter word in this clue. Four letters. F-blank-B-blank.”

Maggie let her head drop back against the headrest, her gaze flitting along with the countryside flying past the train window. “I don’t know. You know it’s hard when I can’t see the grid.”

Alex turned, angling her whole body towards Maggie. “But I’m reading you everything you need!”

“Yes, and some things I don’t need,” Maggie muttered, biting back a smile at the furrow in Alex’s brow.

“What don’t you need?”

“Alex, sweetie, the love of my life, I have told you 9,000 times that I do not need to know what number across or down it is. I can’t see the grid. It doesn’t matter.”

“Right.” She tapped the tip of the pen along the side of the newspaper, finally pushing it towards Maggie. “Fine, I guess you can take a turn reading the clues.”

“Thank you.” She pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s lips as she took the pen and paper before Alex could change her mind. “Alright, let’s see…” She scanned the list of clues. “Ooh, four letters: injure, as a bear might.” A moment’s hesitation. “Maul!”

Alex smiled and tried to peer over at the paper.

“Ooh, another good one. Apt rhyme of ‘sliced.’” She grinned up at Alex as she announced: “Diced!”

“Maggie,” Alex whined. “You’re not giving me all the information. Like…how many letters was it? And which letters did we have? Also none of the letters in diced are in maul.”

“Well, no…”

“So then one is wrong. Maybe maul could be maim. Where does it intersect?”

“They don’t.”

Alex blinked over at Maggie. “You don’t go in order?”

“Do the ones you know first. Then you’ve got a bunch of spots already filled in.”

“But—but—” Alex stammered, her mouth opening and closing as she fought the urge to reach over and snatch the pen back.

“Oh boy. Maybe we take a break from the crossword before your brain breaks.”

“It’s just…if you go in order you’re literally building a structurally sound foundation.”

Deciding the next several hours of their trip would go a lot more smoothly if they didn’t bicker through them, Maggie changed tactics, putting down the newspaper and twining her fingers with Alex’s. “Hey, let’s play a new game.”

“Like what? We already did 20 questions and I Spy and the alphabet game and all the things Kara used to make us play on long car rides.”

“Hmm…fuck marry kill with the cast of The L Word?”

Alex glared, and Maggie couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped. “So many hours of my life I’m never getting back.”

“Okay, but might I offer in response: pretty ladies kissing other pretty ladies on your screen?”

“Not enough to make it worth my while,” Alex grumbled.

“I told you from the start that it had its issues.”

“Maggie Sawyer, you did not once tell me that I would go from being like oh, maybe I was a little bit like Jenny to oh, I’d like to push Jenny out a window.”

With a loud gasp, Maggie spun around in her seat, locking her hands around Alex’s wrists like makeshift handcuffs. “Oh my god, you’re the one that killed Jenny Schecter!”

“Oh shut up. Also, that was some bullshit bringing in Lucy Lawless for a single episode. I’d rather watch an entire series of her interrogating them than the last season of the actual show.”

“Mm, so say we all.”

“That’s just because you had the world’s biggest crush on Xena.”

“Duh.” Maggie dropped her head to Alex’s shoulder as she released her hands. “I still say you should go as her for Halloween next year.”

“You gonna be my Gabrielle?”

Maggie’s fingers trailed along Alex’s thigh, inching a bit higher than was appropriate for being in public. “You just want me to spend the whole night in a crop top.”

“Your abs are a gift to the world, but I think I’m gonna be selfish and say no one else gets to enjoy them.” Alex’s fingers itched to reach out, to run up and down Maggie’s sides, curling under that soft henley and finding the even softer skin beneath it. After a week of too many crises at the DEO and a week before that of overtime at the NCPD for Maggie, it felt like ages since she’d gotten to spend time with her girlfriend that wasn’t out in the field. And of course Maggie had to go and be responsible the night before, insisting they do laundry and pack and all the things that, Alex begrudgingly admitted, did make their morning trek to the train station rather easy. Still. Now they were left with hours upon hours of limited touching as their train trundled out of California and meandered towards the next stop.

“You’d deprive the world of that joy?”

“Oh hush, maybe I only suggested you go as Gabrielle because you’re short enough.”

“Yeah, yeah, make all the jokes you want, but we both know who the little spoon is at the end of the day.”

“You love it.”

Maggie shrugged. “Easy access to your butt? Yeah, I’m not complaining.”

For a while, they fell into a comfortable silence, watching as the train passed through rolling hills and sprawling acres of the countryside. Even though Alex had been uncertain about the idea of a multi-day train trip across the country when airplanes that could get them to Metropolis in a matter of hours existed, even she had to admit that there was something sort of romantic about the protracted journey.

“Hey,” Alex whispered after what felt like nearly half an hour, wondering if Maggie was really asleep or just closing her eyes. “Sawyer.” She poked her shoulder, deciding she didn’t really care either way.

“What?”

Asleep then, if the raspy quality to Maggie’s voice or the slight scowl Alex was getting meant anything.

“I’m bored.”

“Seriously? You have a phone.”

“The wifi’s shit out here.”

“I packed books.”

“I don’t wanna read.”

“Oh my god, Danvers. Seriously?”

“C’mon.” Alex nudged Maggie’s shoulder with her own. “I’ve missed you.” There it was—the softening of Maggie’s features, the way her whole body seemed to melt further into Alex’s.

“I don’t suppose I can coax you into a nap with me?”

“Too much coffee.”

“Fine, fine.” Yawning loudly, Maggie drew the curious gazes of a few of the passengers who shared the compartment with them. She toed at Alex’s foot, then leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Old dude, front of the car. See him?”

“A threat?” Alex’s hand flew to her sidearm, but Maggie was already there, anticipating Alex’s reaction.

“Not that kind.” She cast a meaningful look at Alex as she pulled her hand away. “But maybe he’s another kind of threat…tell me what you know? What’s he doing on this train anyway?”

“Oh!” Alex’s lips curled up into a smile. Maggie had first taught her to play the stranger game during a terribly boring week-long stakeout that had yielded absolutely nothing of use. Apparently it was the best way to pass the time in a small town, although, Maggie conceded, eventually it was also a pretty good way for rumors to get started. She still carried a bit of guilt around for making people think that Sally Wilkins’ parents had tried to send her to a convent. “Well…he’s taking the train because he can walk to the station from his house, so his neighbors won’t see that his car is gone and tell his wife…who’s traveling for work all week.”

“Yeah? Why can’t they know?”

“Oh, well, the guy across the street is a total busybody ever since he retired. He keeps tabs on all his neighbors.”

“And obviously this guy doesn’t want anyone to know where he’s off to. But why’s that? Affair? Secret family? Totally paranoid?”

Alex tapped on her lower lip as she surveyed the man in question, watching as he spilled a bit of the tepid train coffee on the back of his hand. Shaking it off, he grumbled to himself and went back to his seat. “Hmm…I think it’s a secret job. Corporate espionage or something like that. But he’s not really good at keeping secrets. Makes him queasy 24/7. So he’s gotten really paranoid.”

“Ah yes, the guilty criminal. Really, they’re the best kind. So easy to pluck out of a crowd.”

“I give him…three weeks before he turns himself in or gets caught.”

“Sounds about right. Though, ya know, if we were on the case, I think his odds would be more like three minutes.”

“Yeah, well,” Alex shrugged her shoulders, an easy grin spreading across her face, “we make a pretty unbeatable team.”

Maggie’s voice dropped into a lower register as she leaned in, breath hot against the shell of Alex’s ear. “And how would we celebrate our hundredth team victory?”

“Only a hundred?”

“This year.”

“That’s more like it.”

Throwing her arm around Alex’s shoulders, Maggie pulled her in close. “Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?”

“Mm, you know, I think it’s been several hours.”

“Well that simply won’t do. I need to know that anyone else on this train playing the stranger game is absolutely positive that we are together.”

“Let’s make it really obvious,” Alex whispered as she leaned in, her breath ghosting across Maggie’s lips before she claimed them in a searing kiss that left Maggie dizzy with want.

“If we really wanted to make it obvious…” Maggie’s fingers skirted along the waistband of Alex’s jeans, her short nails dragging along the skin and making Alex shiver.

“You could literally be inside of me,” Alex managed, though her breath hitched on the last word, “and I bet at least one person on this train would ask if we were sisters.”

Maggie groaned, drawing her hands back as she buried her face in her palms. “Ugh, the Straights are fun.”

“So fun.”

“I bet you…20 bucks we get asked if we want two twin beds tonight.”

“I’ll see your 20 and raise you another 20 for not even being asked before we get those twin beds.”

“So that’s 40 on us having sex dorm-room style?”

“Shh!” Alex put a finger to her lips, but she couldn’t quite help the snort of laughter at the scandalized looks they were getting from the woman sitting directly behind them.

---

As it turned out, they received very sincere apologies from the hotel staff—“We’re so sorry! For some reason we had the reservation listed as needing a king-sized bed, and all of our double rooms are booked.”

Before Alex could roll her eyes and correct them, Maggie graciously accepted their offers for free room service, insisting that they could “make do.” She’d mouthed “free dinner” to Alex the moment they turned around.

When they arrived, Maggie gasped dramatically and turned to Alex, announcing: “Oh no! There’s only one bed!”

“What?”

“Oh god, sometimes I forget that you’re still kinda new to the being gay thing, and then you say stuff like that.”

“Can you just tell me?” Alex huffed, resisting the urge to cross her arms and stamp her foot. “It can’t be worse than when I told you that no, I’ve never seen Imagine Me and You.”

“It’s just a trope in fan fiction. You have two characters who are secretly pining after one another, only neither of them thinks the other one could ever like them back, but then they have to go somewhere—maybe undercover as a couple or something, or else it’s just for work or a trip or really any excuse to be not at home, ya know?—and they show up, only to find out that the second room was given away, and there’s only one room left that only has one bed.”

“One person could always sleep on the couch.”

“Oh, Danvers.” Maggie let out a sigh as she shook her head. “Danvers, Danvers, Danvers. What will we do with you?”

“What? It’s a reasonable question.”

“Reasonable, maybe. But where’s the fun in that?”

“Let me guess, the fun is in having them both fall into bed together?”

“More like awkwardly crawl in while the other one is in the bathroom, spend hours not really sleeping, and wake up tangled together because secretly they’re both cuddlers.”

“Ah, I see. I suppose these are a bit more PG than I imagined.”

“Yeah, get your head out of the gutter, Danvers.” A beat. “Sex happens the next night.”

After the laughter subsided, Alex nudged Maggie. “Well…I’m not really up for waiting a whole night, but what do you say? Should I go claim my side of the bed and pretend to be awkward while waiting for you?”

“Pretend?”

“Oh fuck off.”

Maggie grinned. “Ooh, would you rather reenact an old fashioned enemies to lovers?”

“Maggie,” Alex groaned.

“Fine, fine. I’ll stop.”

“Good. Because I think”—Alex unzipped her jacket, letting it fall to the floor—“there’s really only one scenario”—Maggie’s jacket followed her own as they inched closer and closer to the bed—“I have any desire to act out.”

“Oh yeah?” Maggie’s voice had taken on that throaty quality that never failed to make Alex’s heart skip a beat.

“Mhmm,” Alex hummed, as she carefully guided Maggie down to the mattress, settling one knee on either side of Maggie’s thighs.

“Which one is that?”

“Two girlfriends”—a kiss—“who are very much in love”—a longer kiss that time—“who have gone far, far too long without a night to themselves.”

Maggie’s fingers moved slowly down the front of Alex’s shirt, undoing buttons one after another. “You know…I think I could make that work.”

[destiel-love-forever]

Season 11: What’s worth watching

This is the second of 3 installments (season 10, season 11, season 12) because I think 13 and 14 are worth watching fully **I personally LOVED season 14, I haven’t loved one that much since season 5** && plus, this way you can watch the very final season of Supernatural without being confused!

Thanks to @longkissgoodnightbatmanandtwofac for asking me to do this. I actually really enjoyed it <3

Season 10 HERE

Season 11

Ep. 1 is… eh. I feel like you have to watch it, since it introduces you to ‘The Darkness.’ 

Ep. 2 isn’t worth watching in my opinion. The angels still have Cas/torturing him for info - they say he’s not their brother because he’s always picking the Winchesters over heaven (duh… you’re just now figuring this out??). We meet the new “Death” which is pretty important - her name is Billy, and she has it out for the boys. Promises that the next time they die, she’ll be the one to reap them, and they won’t be coming back. Baby Amara is going crazy/eating souls. They do the angel needle-in-the-head brain hacking thing to Cas, but then he escapes, kills them, goes to the bunker. And Crowley steals Amara to raise as his own. 

Ep. 3 You don’t need to watch this either. Rowena is recruiting witches, Cas is at the bunker still dealing with his curse (boys helping him), they have to keep the poor guy chained up because they can’t control his curse/reactions yet. ** Cas is super adorable all cuddled up in his blanket that Dean’s always wrapping him up with. Amara is a kid now (like 9 or 10ish yo). Crowley is feeding her souls and giving her an education (basically watching hitler speeches and shit like that). Rowena cures Cas. 

The last 5 minutes are worth watching. It’s Dean/Cas. You get some adorableness with Dean cupping sick Cas’ cheek, and some happy feelings with the boys at the bunker. 

Ep. 4 is a MUST WATCH. Shot entirely from Baby’s perspective, and is just overall amazing. 

Ep. 5 I didn’t like this ep. at all. In fact, I don’t even think I watched the entire thing when the season aired. There is a little Ghostfacers reference by the couple that gets killed at the beginning, though, which is cool. Shows at the very end of the episode Amara watching Dean the whole time and she says this creepy, “Bye, Dean. I’ll see you soon.” 

Have I mentioned yet that I hate the darkness/amara? I do. I hate her. 

Ep. 6 Not worth watching either. Amara is still walking around all barefoot and creepy, eating souls. Papa Crowley is mad. Sam wants to bring Cas in to help with the Amara hunt and Dean isn’t happy about it, wants him to get a break since it’s been rough for him lately (awww). Cas has been binge watching TV (he’s watching a show that’s the equivalent of Jerry Springer or Maury, one of those “the results are in and you are the father!” shows). Dean teases him for it and Cas gives him some sass. Dean’s super worried about him. Cas tries to get himself to leave the bunker and gets a huge anxiety attack/flash-backs to when he hurt Dean under the spell, when he killed the angels, then when Dean beat him up and almost killed him when under the influence of the mark of cain, breaks down and can’t leave the bunker. Cas eventually leaves, tracks down Metatron who has been videotaping crap to see to the news. He interrogates Metatron about the darkness. Metatron breaks and tells Cas that God had to give up the only thing he had ever known in order to create the world - his sister, which is Amara. Dean & Sam show up to Crowley’s to kill Amara, Crowley tries killing Dean, Amara stops him. Dean can’t get himself to kill Amara. Amara points it out to Dean. She cups his cheek and is all creepy talking about how linked they are/how neither of them can fight their connection and it’s weird because she’s in a teenaged girls body and just… ew. Ew. Ew. EW. She says she came there to settle a score “the oldest score,” which is obviously talking about god. Oh, and Sam is getting weird visions about Luci in the cage. I know that was a lot of info, but I’m serious, the episode just isn’t worth watching in my opinion. 

Ep. 7 I have to say this is worth watching, because Donna is in it, and who doesn’t love Donna?!? Plus, it’s a good old fashioned hunt, which is so rare in this season. 

Ep. 8 Is a good one too. It’s a flashback episode, which anyone who knows me knows those are some of my fav.’s. Plus, it’s a pretty funny hunting episode. 

Ep. 9 Pretty important episode, so I’d suggest watching it. Big for plot. Amara is killing preachers left and right to piss God off. Sam is convinced talking to Lucifer will help because of his visions he’s been having, so he and Dean go to Crowley to see if they can talk with him somehow (Dean’s obvi not happy bout that). It is kind of entertaining watching Amara with the bible and trying to understand why all these people believe in him/think he’s great/yada yada. 

Ep. 10 Isn’t terrible. A continuation of a lot of the same stuff going on in 9. There’s some great Dean/Cas in this ep. so I’ll give it that. Post whump hurt comfort between the two of them is always my fav. Kind of a cool ep. bcuz it’s Luci and Sam walking through memories. A huge thing happens at the end, too. 

Ep. 11 Not that great of an ep. But it has a character that turns out to be a bit of a fan favorite, so I’d watch it for her (Eilene). Also, Lucifer/Cas is interesting. Misha does a great job there. There’s a bit of character development/insight with Dean, too. 

Ep. 12 This is a MUST SEE. Ep with Jodi, Claire, and Alex. Great dynamic to see. Plus a nice classic hunting ep. And, of course, the awkward family dinner at Jodi’s where the sex talk comes up? That’s just fantastic. Probably the best of the whole damn season. I loved it. 

Ep. 13 Honestly, this is boring as all hell. (in my opinion). I will say there’s a part where the monster shows people their deepest darkest desire, and it appears as Amara. Dean tells that to Sam and is very conflicted/hates it, and Sam points out that Amara is the sister of God, and it’s not Dean’s fault, because she picked him and now he feels these things because of her power. Says Dean can’t be blamed or judged. And he tells Dean that he believes him that Dean doesn’t actually want her, and that he wants her dead, but that Amara is controlling him. Which is like YEEEEEEEEEEEES. Because I hate Amara, AND I hate the whole Amara/Dean weird romance-esque type thing. This is literally the only plot, though. For the whole ep. They talk about this, and then Dean tells Sam Sam has to be the one to kill her when it comes to that because of the control Amara has over him, and Sam promises he’ll handle it. Save yourself 41 minutes and don’t watch it. 

Ep 14 This one is interesting. It has some time travel/Dean sent back to WWII times. Badass woman of letters in this ep that Dean gets to meet. Plus, Lucifer as king of hell is hilarious. Some decent plot going on here too. 

Ep 15 Honestly, I hated this ep. I also hate anything related to WWE and that shit too, though, so I dunno. Maybe you’d like it? It felt extremely pointless. Crowley escapes hell, goes to find a new weapon (Aaron’s rod), but Luci tricked him into thinking he escaped just so he could get ahold of the weapon. But then Crowley tricks Luci back, uses weapon against him. But then runs out of juice, and Luci is able to disappear. So. Basically. All that fucking happens is Crowley gets out of hell. 

Ep 16 This is a cool one because it involves flashbacks from when Bobby and Rufus hunted the same thing. We find out why Rufus gave Bobby that battle of Jack with the note that Jodi and Sam found in that episode from way back when, when they fought the time god. (I wanna say that was s9, but I’m honestly too lazy to look atm) 

Ep 17 This is a good one if you have time/feel like watching. Not really any plot, though. Dean takes some pills and overdoses in order to talk to Billy, and Billy mentions something called ‘The Empty’ that’s waiting for Dean when he dies. Tiny little thing mentioned there. BIG THING way later on in the series. Like… 3ish season from now? Other than that, though… eh. 

Ep 18 This one should be watched. Very plot heavy. If you feel like skipping it, you can read the paragraph below, it’s not vital to watch. Rowena is alive, explains how she survived (a magic thingy). She’s helping heal Amara. Crowley went and got the horn of Joshua for the battle against Amara, says he’ll give it to the boys if they promise to help him exorcise Luci from Cas and put him back in the cage. Luci is up in heaven terrorizing the poor angels. Has decided to become the new ruler up there. Amara attacks heaven with her dark smoke crap. Luci just giggles. Rowena is afraid of Amara/starting to fear her/regretting working with her. Rowena sends the boys a message that she’s alive, they work together to trap Luci. There is a great scene in here (starts around 26 minutes into the ep.) where Dean uses a spell to try to talk to Cas inside Luci. It’s so sad :( && Luci mocks Dean for being so upset/sad. Crowley possesses Cas’ vessel, so then all three of them are in there. There is some adorableness there when Crowley tries to tell Cas to eject Luci and Cas tells him no, but then when Crowley explains that Dean wants him to do it, Cas is like ‘oh, maybe I should then.’ Luci gains control, tries killing Amara with the horn of Joshua, doesn’t work. Like at all. She takes Luci captive and tortures. Dean and Sam agree to go find Cas and bring him home. 

Ep 19 MUST. WATCH. This is the gay hunters ep that got everyone so excited. And for good cause. Who doesn’t love seeing two manly hunters in love with each other, and who doesn’t love seeing Dean’s reaction to that?!?

Ep 20 is a must watch as well. You meet God, which is - ya know - a big fucking deal. It’s also a very entertaining/well-done ep. 

Ep 21 I’d say you have to watch this one too. Dean & Sam meeting God. Or, well, re-meeting him I suppose. There is SO. MUCH. EMOTION. In this ep too. Sam & Dean (even Luci) have so much to address when it comes to God. All of the things they’ve been put through. Their feelings of being betrayed. Abandoned. Especially Dean. Oh, my poor baby Dean. I just… he has such a hard time in this ep, but it’s a great ep. Much needed. Well done. Among other things. I could talk about this ep for a really long time, but I’ll just stop there. Oh, and a new prophet pops up, which is always great. He’s not my favorite (no one can replace Kevin) but he’s fucking hilarious, so that’s nice. 

Ep 22 Have to watch this too. If not for ALL THE PLOT, then for Luci and God going at it. Oh my. Such a great situation (And Misha did so so so well at it). Luci locked in his room listening to loud music like a pouty teenanger. God cooking pancakes and drinking coffee from ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ mug. I mean, Dean and Sam have to do a family therapy session for the two. Who doesn’t want to watch that?!? 

Ep 23 From there, ya might as well finish off the season. 

[koganphrancis]

Camless Episode 4

(gif credit: winifred-burkle)

It’s a landmark episode and not a lot happens, as always.  If they didn’t have the fact it was the 100th episode to talk about, they’d pretty much have nothing at all.  Another episode without bringing up Terror (yay!), another episode without sex or a titty shot (shock!), another episode where we learn nothing about wtf is going on with Ian (yawn).  I HAD thought the show had managed to wrap up 3 storylines, but then I saw spoilers online last night that would indicate at least 2 of them will go on :(  Spoilers and not much else under the cut.

Ian got the “here’s what you missed” again this week, which I’m taking as another sign Cam is nearing the swan song ;)  But, ugh,the opening wasn’t funny-or understandable-at all.  Cam’s standing in front of a busload of extras they must’ve bussed in from a local Chicago school of modeling to portray Gay Jesus supporters, he’s wearing his “God Loves Fags” T shirt and says, “What the fuck were you doing last week that was more important than watching Shameless?  Protesting homophobia and bigotry?  Damn right you were.”  WTF?  If people weren’t watching Shameless last week they were exercising good taste, not “protesting” somewhere at 9 PM on a Sunday-or does he mean not watching this shit show is a protest against homophobia and bigotry?  That actually does make sense.  I apologize ;P

Liam  Whatever the point was of aging him and doing a time jump after Monica died went out the window last night when Liam is approached by some public school teachers about his placement for the next school year.  Liam is afraid he’s going to be kept back, but they assure him it’s the opposite, they want to move him up.  He asks if he’ll be put in 3rd grade, but they say they want to try him in 6th.  But if Liam thought skipping a grade would put him in 3rd, that means currently he’s in 1st and the oldest that would make him right now is 7.  The fuck?  The only reason I’m talking about any of this is because that’s how lame the show is now.

Carl  Lip FINALLY says something to him about the dogs smelling up the whole house.  And then shockingly Ian and Carl have a conversation about the dogs too-and West Point.  But of course this is the year of the Gallagher house seeming weird and creepy, so the conversation takes place with a very catatonic-like Ian sitting on the basement steps in weird shadows whilst Carl feeds the dogs.  The brotherly convo goes like this: Ian: Sure they wouldn’t have been better off if you just gassed them like you were supposed to? Carl: I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I: How are you going to order men (note to JW-women can serve in the armed forces now too, even in combat) to kill the enemy if you can’t put down a couple of old dogs?  That’s what officers do-order men (!!!) to kill.  What did you think they were gonna teach you at West Point?  Marching cadences? C: Is that what Gay Jesus would do? I: What, kill old dogs?  Hell no, Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you’re not looking to get into heaven.  You want to lead lean mean murdering machines.  (DID ANYONE EVER THINK THAT WAS IAN’S GOAL IN GOING TO WEST POINT?  LEADING KILLING MACHINES TO THEIR DEATHS?  I HATE YOU, JOHN WELLS!)  If you can’t kill a couple of old dogs might be the time to start considering teaching kindergarten?  Nursing school?  

On that note, he gets up and walks away.  Let me interject another rant here-since WHEN is Ian this insensitive sexist jerk who would think of jobs/careers in terms of things real men do vs. traditionally (in the dark ages) “feminine” jobs?  John Wells is a fucking dinosaur that needs to be educated-fucking teaching and nursing jobs are as difficult as soldiering, plus these days they’re expecting teachers to start protecting classrooms with weapons.  He’s such a dumb fuck!

And also-I bet this is the only time Ian will speak to Carl about West Point and we’ll never know how he truly felt about watching Carl grasp at the dream he once had.  Way to blow the opportunity.

There’s a whole stupid side story about Carl and the kid who originally was getting the West Point letter of recommendation.  In another add it to the list of “read the room, school kids arranging to shoot each other isn’t funny, you fucking out of touch white males” plots, Carl needs to get his “killing mojo” back so he goes to visit a local veteran.  I can’t even begin to guess if Wells was trying to make some commentary about PTSD or if he was just using the poor guy for laughs (this is Shameless, as they love to remind us, so I’m guessing Wells was just going for yuks).  The show makes its at least THIRD joke using tattoos as a punchline, and-just like with Mickey and Ian-it fails to be funny.  Get new material, you untalented hack!  Sorry I keep yelling at John Wells-what a waste if he’s not actually reading this ;) 

In Carl’s showdown with the other kid, Wells turns that kid into a poetry-spouting “pansy” at the last second.  The kid can’t bring himself to shoot Carl, so he shoots himself in the thigh saying his warmonger dad can’t make him enlist in the Marines now even if he’s not going to West Point.  I’m sitting at home wondering if the idiot nicked his femoral artery and is about to bleed out.  Carl says the self inflicted wound is just a flesh wound and they’ll be able to tell, so the kid starts blabbering poetry and Carl shoots him in the other thigh to shut him up.  The kid thanks him and Carl walks away.   Now I’m convinced that second shot had to hit the femoral artery and no one’s calling 911 and I bet the kid dies and Carl’s path to West Point is now strewn with his body and Kassidi’s.  

Debbie  I can’t...I’ll try, I’ll try to be brief, because it’s all meaningless.  After spending one night together, Alex says they should live together (because that’s what ALL wacky lesbians do, they move right in), and Debs says yes.  They get to have a cute domestic breakfast scene that by rights should’ve gone to Mickey and Ian, but I digress.  Debbie goes out and buys “lesbian” outfits, which to me just seemed like they were making fun of HER-of course she’s going to hit the mall, she’s just a teenager!  She doesn’t have to be the spokeswomen of lesbians everywhere.  This show has a knack of mocking the wrong things at the wrong times.  It’s their shitty writing, not teen spending habits, that’s ridiculous here.

The next time we see them, they’re in bed again, and Alex is filling Debbie in on her past serious relationships, and then Wells gives Debbie a speech about all the dudes she slept with and it’s so much more cringe-worthy thinking about the fact he wrote it.  Plus it’s another “relationship retcon” speech since Debbie doesn’t mention that every other time she’s had sex it was a form of rape.  Matty (who Wells has Debbie say had a “big dick”) wasn’t conscious (and, btw, John, a 12 year old virgin-which is the oldest Debbie could’ve been at the time with all your screwing around with her still being 16 last year-wouldn’t be all that enthusiastic about “big dicks” for her very 1st time), Derrick (who she lied to about birth control-if he had slipped off a condom right before entering her that would be rape and this case is also-Wells says he had a great body and really knew what he was doing), and the guy she crossed state lines with who was obviously over 21 if he could rent a hotel room in Missouri, PLUS she was drugged and unable to give consent-that dude’s a two for!  Debbie doesn’t mention him, since she can’t remember him, I guess.  She brings up Neil, but says being with him was just financial (she doesn’t bother to say he just watched while she did things to herself.  But hey, if they had had sex, that would’ve been another case of statutory!)  Anyway, then Wells has Debbie spout off about what having sex with another “girl” is like and Alex gets more and more dejected.  She’s just now seeing that Debbie’s not gay?  We’re supposed to feel sorry for her?  When in the previous episode which SEEMS to have taken place the day before (or a couple of weeks, tops, if you’re going by Liam’s time line) Alex said right out loud that she knew Debbie was straight?  WHY IS THIS SHOW SO DUMB?  We haven’t gotten to know Alex well enough to have sympathy for her regardless, but they made the point of letting us know she KNEW going in Debbie is straight.  And of course in John Wells’ world, there’s no such thing as bisexuals, so...

Deb and Alex “break up” (who cares?) and I thought that would be the end of Alex and Debbie’s gay storyline, but no-sounds like they’re going to be the new Ian and Terror-next week “Debbie tries to repair things with Alex” according to Spoiler TV.  NOOOOO!  I wanted that to be one of my three wrapped up storylines!  

Debbie comes back into the Gallagher kitchen, dragging her baby carriage and pillow with her and crying her heart out.  None of the siblings appear very concerned-this is the new Shameless, a bunch of strangers occasionally bumping into each other.  The biggest “shocker” of the scene is the family is eating Popeye’s instead of KFC.  Another jolt that we don’t even know these people anymore, LOL.

Lip  I can’t...I just don’t understand the motivation to try to make Xan part of his life when he doesn’t seem to be bonding with her in the least.  He asks her if she’d want to stay with him if her mom never comes back-but doesn’t tell the kid why HE wants her to stay or ask Xan why she would want to stay when she says okay.  The story is hollow and no one seems to try to be filling it with any substance.  

There’s a couple of scenes at the motorcycle shop and it’s so obvious Lip and Brad have no idea what they’re doing-they always just grab wrenches and poke at bike parts with them.  Last night Lip kept using the ratchet wrench-I think JAW must like the noise it makes.  

Lip sells the bike he restored to get money to buy parental rights from Xan’s mom, and it’s just creepy?  Why would the mom know to trust him?  I’m still not even convinced WE should trust him-sharing a room with her is creepy af.  Anyway, Xan comes running up when Lip’s trying to get the mom to make the deal (and why is Xan out unsupervised in the middle of the night on a dark South Side street?  Even if she did “just” sneak out to look for her mom, this is a clear example that Lip isn’t father of the year, that he’s not meeting the bare minimum requirements as a guardian), and the mom drops to hug Xan because it’s the 100th episode and these two characters we barely know should get the big emotional scene?  Anyway, Lip drops the check and runs, overwhelmed by an actual show of emotion, no doubt.  THIS was the 2nd storyline I was hoping would be over, but then TMZ reported that the actress who plays Xan has been signed for Season 10.  Which, BTW, still hasn’t been officially announced and that just seems weird that they haven’t.  What is Showtime waiting for?  

Fiona  Ugh, she was worse than ever this week.  Can’t believe these are her waning days-it truly seems like Wells is out to punish her.  Fi is on the toilet as Bored brushes his teeth.  Fiona goes right from flushing to brushing her teeth WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS.  It was so gross-I hope next episode she and Bored have pink eye and mouth thrush.  (Fi also touches her lip after putting on lipstick-still without the benefit of soap.)  They still have no fucking chemistry, and they start talking about the election which of course they don’t see eye to eye on.  Then Fi goes to Patsy’s for the first time in forever and Wells gets to recycle the Fi vs Ian fight over gentrification from last season by having Fi on the opposite side of Frank’s candidate, although they don’t bother to give us any face-to-face interaction.  Which is just fine, since the election storyline was boring and weak anyway.  

Fi is a total...I don’t even know the word-what do you call a boss who doesn’t allow their workers their freedom as voters?  She tells the waitresses to take off their buttons supporting their candidate and that there can be “no electioneering” at the workplace, but puts up a poster for her guy and offers free pie to anyone who puts on one of his buttons.  Would she ever really be that clueless and such a bully?  Does anyone care anymore?  

Later, Fiona goes to the Alibi and has a conversation with Vee where she basically says, “This is what Ford is telling me to think this week...”  Fiona says she wants to vote for the guy against rent control, the businessman  And Vee points out that “the businessman” in Washington isn’t working out too great.  Ooh, Shameless, rushing in with the timely political commentary!  (There will be more too, ugh.)

When Fi shows up at her (or a?) polling place, there’s a rumble going on and Wells has her throw one punch to show us she’s still “South Side”, I guess.  It was gratuitous.  It did not remind us of the show’s glory days, it was a thrown in pointless moment that was so outrageously just tacked on. 

In Fiona’s final scene this week, Bored walks into the apartment building with his massive wooden toolbox reminding us he’s a massive tool, and Fiona tells him how she changed her vote, they kiss, and women’s rights are set back another 100 years.  Oh, and Bored still squints A LOT delivering his lines.  Emmy seems to open hers even wider, probably unconsciously trying to get the other actor to at least try to keep his open once in a while...

Veronica and Kevin  There was some more truly awful “rape jokes” this week. Rape is never going to be funny, and with the week this country suffered through last week-plus the fact that it’s still ongoing-I really wish they had just deleted all the Alibi scenes.  Kev makes up a scoreboard or bingo sheet (it isn’t clear) of all the “types” of rapey behavior that can now be shorthanded into a celebrity’s name.  I won’t even justify the “joke” with some examples.  And then KEVIN becomes a sought-after consultant to make other South Side bars less rapey because he’s the white man running the Alibi and Vee is...not.  

Frank is in the episode more than I’m going to talk about, but suffice it to say I do truly believe his election storyline is over (one out of three is not good enough, Shameless!  Wrap up the boring shit that’s going nowhere and do something with the other shit that’s also going nowhere!)   Mo wins the election, and Wells has a reporter say it’s because voters were afraid to say they were bigots in polls.  Which again, this show is too narrow to try to address larger issues-if that’s Wells’ theory why Trump won, it doesn’t explain how “bigoted voters” elected Obama twice.  Try making the world a better place, Wells.  Yes, there is racism and idiot bigotry here, but there was just something smug about how he justified his fictional political outcome.  There was a scene where Frank’s asking some of the Gallaghers if they’re voting-Carl says he’s too young, Lip says he’s not registered, and Ian says, “What’s the point?”  And that pissed me off too, because we’re having Gay Jesus shoved down our throats, but then Wells seems to be saying Ian won’t bother to vote and would rather blow shit up.  Again, the kid that ORIGINALLY had the dream to serve his country by going to West Point.  And fucking Lip-what, he’s too “smart” to think voting matters?  

(Also in that scene, Ian was eating peanut butter toast, but still no sign of his pill bottles.  Cam actually took a bite of the toast, if that type of dedication to his craft matters to anyone.)

The post credits “joke” was a pedo joke about Mo.  Fuck you, John Wells.  

The only thing Frank was good for this week was to lead us back to Mickey’s house.  As so often with this show, I have to forget context (good thing I’ve had plenty of practice, I guess?) and I will fully admit that when I saw Mickey’s little castle of a house I teared up a little.  It was like seeing an old friend.  

But then of course they had to ruin it by Frank knocking on the door, we hear Terry yelling and hitting a dog named Adolf (they put a yelp in and everything) and Terry opens the door wielding a baseball bat that brought Negan and Jeffery Dean Morgan to mind-I hope that was a shout out to him.  The bat had nails in embedded in it instead of barbed wire, but close enough.  Best not to imagine how much cooler the show might have been with JDM instead of Sean, sigh.  

A much funnier joke than anything they did give us about Mo White would’ve been to have Frank ask Terry, “Still have a connection with Russians?  I have an election to rig.”

Finally we get to Ian but just because he had more screen time this week doesn’t mean we’re any closer to knowing anything.  And I was going to bust Cameron for acting very sleepy and out of it in all of his scenes, but then I realized that’s pretty much how all the Gallagher kids actors have been acting, except for Fiona (and I’d say she’s trying too hard sometimes.  There’s also been lots of scenes so far where it seems like she’s phoning it in-but of course they’re giving her shit to do).  

Anyway, things this episode start in the Gallagher kitchen, Ian groans when he sees the coffee’s all gone, and says he’s not sleeping-he got too used to all the noise in jail, it’s too quiet here.  Well, bitch, the house was always lively when the Milkovich siblings were there too, work on getting them back...

Lip asks him if he met his public defender yet and Ian says Geneva and the Gay Jesus donors got him a lawyer, “rich, queer, too much time on his hands since same sex marriage got fixed.”  Um, why is Ian sounding so put out with the guy without even meeting him?  What’s this superiority complex?  

Later Ian walks into GJ church HQ and he’s limping, but I don’t think it’s a continuity error, I think they probably just had him film scenes out of order that day and I think he went a little too hard, LOL.  Anyway, the GJ kids applaud and Geneva hugs him-she’s into it, he’s not.  At the HQ they’re making silk screen shirts with Ian’s face and Gay Jesus signs.  Geneva is once again spouting out statistics, saying how wildly popular the movement is, 77,000 followers in the past five days-One Direction at their height was gaining popularity around the globe like that, not this Gay Jesus shit.  Ian doesn’t seem to be listening too closely to what she’s spewing, and when two body-builder women walk by he asks Geneva who they are.  She says they’re part of the lesbian legion from an MMA gym and adds, “Your gays turned out to be too sweet to handle security.”  Whatever-they keep trying to act like there’s all this dynamic action happening off screen-NO ONE CARES since all we ever see is Ian moping around, looking like Cameron has a headache.

Next time we see Ian he’s walking around outside in his red kicks (really wish we knew the significance of those-are they supposed to be like Jesus’ sandals?  What happened in the cut scene where he left them in the aisle last season?  I only want to know because the show seems to think they mean SOMETHING)-anyway, where’s Ian going?  Why?  We’re never told-great storytelling this ain’t, kids.  A van slows up next to him and a guy leans out and says, “You’re Ian, right?  Gay Jesus?”  How did the guys in the van know where Ian would be walking?  Do they just circle the Gay Jesus church hoping he’ll come out?  Again, we’ll never know.  The guy continues, “I’ve been watching your videos with my friends.  The burning vans, the sermons-it’s inspiring.”  Ian says thanks.  The guy says, “You really think that’s what Jesus was teaching?”  Ian says, “Inclusion, love, acceptance for all?  Yeah, absolutely.”  Then the van guy says, “You don’t think God sees homosexual bestiality as a sinful perversion of His divine creations?”  Ian’s confused, says, “What?”, sees the sliding panel door of the van open, and takes off running, jumping over fences and at some point in his getaway, pulling some muscle in his tight jeans.  

Next time we see Ian he’s sitting alone in the Gallagher kitchen nursing a beer and his thigh.  (No Bible this time-no sign of his pills either.)  Lip comes in and asks him if he’s okay and Ian says he maybe pulled a hamstring running from homophobes.  Lip says, “I guess there’s nothing new about that, right?” and you wonder just when he stopped caring so completely about his brother.  

Ian doesn’t bother to answer, sips his beer instead.  After a minute he quietly asks Lip, “Think you could do hard time?” Lip: In prison?  Uh...rather not.  I: Gay Jesus kids don’t want me to cop a plea.  Want me to take it to trial.  Get as much publicity for the cause as I can. L: What’s your lawyer say? I: Could be looking at 10-15 if I don’t take a deal.  (Me at home, screaming at the TV: WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?  WHY CAN’T THEY EVER TELL US ANYTHING?  WHAT ARE THEY SAYING YOU DID THAT’S ON PAR WITH MICKEY’S BULLSHIT ATTEMPTED 2ND DEGREE MURDER SENTENCE????)

Lip, rather than saying ANYTHING to the brother he’s closest to about maybe not giving up his entire young adulthood to a cause, not saying something like, “You’d be older than the real Jesus got to live till by the time you get out”, not saying if he thinks Ian’s an idiot if he’s even questioning doing hard time in a bad place, no, rather than that, he takes his coffee out of the microwave and comes around the counter to the same side as Ian and says, “You ah, hearing from Shim again?” I: Sometimes.  (Me at home: WHAT?  WHEN?  What does that look like when it happens?) L: Well, what does Shim think? I: Unclear.  (Oh, Ian, are you kidding me?  All this time you thought you were talking to god but you’ve just been playing with a Magic 8 Ball?) L: Xan’s mom showed up today.  (Guess we’re done talking about Ian then!)  She’s a junkie.  Hookin’... I: What are you going to do? L: I don’t know. I: Maybe you should try asking Shim. L: Maybe.  

End scene.  So again, we get tantalizingly close to a discussion about what might be going on inside Ian’s head-is he getting it?  That the Gay Jesus movement is just using him at this point?  Or does he really think going to prison as the highly recognizable face of said movement is going to work out somehow-other than him not dying a painful and brutal death?  And why can’t Lip give enough of a shit to at least ask him not to go?  Fuuuuuuck.  

Next Ian’s back at GJ HQ.  Geneva comes in and says she didn’t see him come in.  He says he came in the back-all the hugging and applause when he comes in the front is kinda weird.  Since Geneva is the only one who ever hugs him, I hope she’s getting the hint.  He’s looking over the “Free Gay Jesus” posters.

Ian: What is this? Geneva: Couple of the arty kids are working out a few ideas for if you do end up in prison. I: Couple assholes in a van chased me last night.  Apparently they’re not very big fans of my interpretation of Bible verse. G: Fuckers.  I’ll get you a couple of lesbian legion body guards.  They’d love nothing more than to a chance to stomp homophobes.  (Because, yeah, THAT was Jesus’ message.) Ian holds up a Che Jesus shirt with an unintentionally hilarious graphic of him wearing a beret-Showtime probably thinks fans want to buy them (I wrote these notes before Steve Howey tweeted he wants one last night.  It got less than a thousand likes, and I bet that number would be less than half if Cam hadn’t replied).  

I: Think any of this is gonna end up making a difference? G: Ian, you’ve given thousands of gay and lesbian teenagers a voice.  (Insert Mickey gif of “Not really tho” here.)  You’ve inspired us to stand up and fight for ourselves.  

So much wrong with so much of that.  First of all, is Geneva LGBT?  She was a runaway who ran away from having to give blowjobs, right, not because her parents kicked her out for being LGBT?  And she’s been crushing on Ian since Day 1, so, probably not “L”, and Wells clearly doesn’t believe in “B”, so who is Geneva to say “us”?  And next, IF Ian/Gay Jesus has given kids “a voice”, what is he saying for them-are the teens really into his whole “Jesus was a junkie”, “my god is non-binary” shouting that they haven’s shown since last year?  Don’t teens get bored and move on to the next thing when their idols aren’t doing anything new?  Lastly, she says they are standing up and fighting for themselves-where, when, how?  

I: Know what I was thinking when I was running away from those bastards?  (Me at home: NO!  We never know what you’re thinking!  That’s the whole damn problem with your storylines!)  It’s been 2000 years since Jesus died on the cross and I’m still running for my life down an alley because I fall in love with men instead of women.  (No, Ian, you’ve only ever loved one (1) man-fucking admit that for once and then get on with your life.  That line should’ve been “have sex with”, no one deserves to be chased down for that either, and it wouldn’t have made me exasperated with Ian over the whole “love” thing, which is a separate issue this show fucking needs to handle before it’s all said and done with Ian.)  

Then one of the GJ kids comes in to report there’s a bunch of Nazi’s keeping people from getting to one of the polls and we don’t see Ian again this episode. But again, I hope that they’re finally having him wake up to the fact that NO ONE cares about him.  The family has washed its hands of him, the Gay Jesus followers WANT him to go to prison (and probably die) and be a martyr for the cause.  Time to ask yourself who is the only person who ever looked at you and actually saw you there, Ian.  The only person to look you in the eye and say, “I love you.”   

[hamletteprinceofdenmark]

Lost Live-blogging - 1x09 - Solitary

-Sayid is such a lovely, lonely man

-oh my gosh are we getting a sayid centric episode???? Is it his time at last??!??

-Oh what that? A rope? A BOAT??!?!

-we’re following the rope chain, the rope chain, the rope chain, we’re following the rope chain, where ever it may go

-Looks like it’s going to be a musical episode folks

-Ah Jack, back at it again with that bedside manner

-Sawyer for the last time stop it with the casual racism I’ve had it up to here

-But yes continue to call Jack out on his bull, you’re the only one who does it consistently and for that I appreciate you

-THEY’RE IN FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL LOOK AT THAT SMUG LITTLE GRIN

-You ain’t got nothing to be proud of Sawyer, you coerced that makeout sesh and you know it

-IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT IT WAS A DELIBERATE CHOICE

-Coming out here saying “accident” how dare you

-Sayid offered and you accepted knowing full well what you were doing

-“accident” Jesus Christ are you a man or a shady government, Jack you’re the worst. And watch now as he still maintains his moral high horse, god damn he really is the Finn of Lost, at least Sayid admitted what he did and took moral responsibility you sanctimonious ass

-Folks I’ve realised I don’t like Jack very much

-Maybe you’ve noticed ...

-Remember how Jack was supposed to die in the first episode and Kate and Sayid were gonna be the leads? Yeah me too.

-SAYID NO

-Oh thank god for a minute I thought you were going to deliberately trip the wire

-SAYID NOOOOOOOO

-ouch fuck

-If this is another one of Locke’s damn traps I swear to god he will catch these hands

-I mean a smart and conscientious hunter tells their mates where the traps are so they can avoid them but somehow I don’t think Locke’s been doing that, living his Lord of the Flies fantasy

- tbh I don’t trust Locke with a 10 ft pole (he’d probably spear me with it!)

-THEY REALLY LEFT HIM OUT HERE TILL AFTER DARK LET ME AT EM

-Is my sweet baby meditating I love him so much

-New Jungle, Who Dis?

-IT WAS FUCKING LOCKE I’LL KILL HIM

-OoOo new character, what’s your name glasses?

-oh he’s so anxious I love him

-maybe you wouldn’t be so tired if you hadn’t Condoned Torture jack idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

-HURLEY I LOVE YOU

-Y’all need to organise a dance party or something, i nominate Hurley as The Man in Charge

-Lightbulb??? French??? I am Confusion

-WHO is Alex is the more pressing question surely?

-DON’T TORTURE MY BABY

-Flashback time

-Oh it’s the bae!

-Hello Ethan, you look like you’re going to be a Locke sycophant, lovely to meet you

-oh sweet baby no! Hurley’s a much better mentor, don’t go hunting at night

-listen to your daddy baby go back to bed

-like I’m not against you learning to hunt necessarily but start with a group in the daytime not at night with mr creepy Ei Yi Yi

-whatchu find bro?

-Stop it. Stop. STOP IT. LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE!!

-Oh shit French Lady you’re alive!

-they? Who?

-look at that dramatic ass lighting I love this show

-also apparently Rousseau can read Arabic, I feel like this is something to notice

-oh his voice is so soft when he says her name my heart is breaking

-Sup Sayid you ready to meet the love of your life

-OH SHIT THEY KNEW EACH OTHER AS KIDS IT’S A CHILDHOOD AU BROUGHT TO LIFE IMMA CRY

-you really gonna torture this woman? This neat neat lady?

-NOOO

-Hey Rousseau can you untie him please?

-Hurley are yOU ACTUALLY GONNA THROW A BEACH PARTY I’M SO EXCITED

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT NADIA PLEASE NOT NADIA

-Rousseau you a mad lady

-I ask again can you untie him first??? Is this such a big ask? Let him move his arms? Sit up? He doesn’t have to be unrestrained just let him move a bit

-Michael you’re so smart I’m so proud of you

-HE BUILT A GOLF COURSE I’M SO PROUD

-“You didn’t hear about the polar bear?” I’m HOWLING

-also props to the writing team for keeping track of what everyone does and doesn’t know

-Mind AND BODY folks, Hurley’s onto it what a smart cookie

-So she can’t read Arabic? Or she can and she’s testing him? I’m so confused, why would his name not be written in Arabic, and if not why choose English letters

-WHAT’S IN THE NEEDLE YOU CRAZY LADY

-they’re so dramatic I love these sweet babies you are playing GOLF

-Hey Glasses how you doing?

-Yay, clubs for everyone!

-I mean thanks for untying him I guess

-Yay now SAYID gets answers

-Lovely parallel in an episode all about Sayid’s journey as a torturer, to get information by kindness and conversation. I love a good man

-Tahiti is a fair way from Fiji, where is this island?

-Oh she’s so cool I don’t want her to die! This is too tragic.

-I’m sobbing they’re so beautiful

-ugh blondie you are Such a Piece of WORK

-well at least Sawyer and Kate are getting along

-“Crowd’s not to hot on me, either,” SAWYER stop making me love your problematic ass

-Oh Sayid don’t betray her she’s so lonely and sad

-sounds more like a lion to me Danielle but that’s just me

-I’M CRYING

-HIS FACE

-THIS IS NOT OKAY HOW DARE THEY COME FOR MY LIFE LIKE THIS??

-NO THE PHOTOS DON’T LEAVE THE PHOTOS

-Dude Priorities, Son over Golf yeah?

-DECEPTION DISGRACE

-My heart’s beating that fast how dare they do that to me

-I. AM. WEEPING.

-Go back to your rounds general dickface this is none of your business let them be happy for once in their goddamn lives

-I AM SOBBING

-oh thank god she might still be alive, don’t scare me like that again Sayid

-was? Oh no

-why is everything so sad

-okay but where’s Walt? I am Concern

-yes barter betting I am HERE for THIS

-yay Sawyer’s arrived

-acceptance in the group acceptance in the group I am so happy

-the 100 parallels are unreal Jason really loved this show

-NO WALT STAY AWAY FROM THE CREEPY MAN

-the whispers are real oh noes

[shirtlesssammy]

Who We Are: Recap

Then:

Mary’s gone all British Manchurian Candidate

Now:

The cold open starts very ominously with one dead hunter and Mary Winchester slowly washing blood from her hands.

Ketch then texts who’s next on her kill list: Jody Mills. I think not, show. I think fucking not.

At the bunker, the boys try brainstorming different ways to bust out of their soon-to-be tomb. Toni is (un)helpfully shooting down every conceivable option. “I say we kill her,” Dean justly suggests. More air for our heroes! Toni indicates she’s the only person that can help their mother since she programmed her in the first place. Also, there’s only one way out of the bunker: the manual override located outside the bunker. Sam decides it’s time to nerd out and hit the books in the library. There’s got to be a reversal spell somewhere in the lore!

The spell they try only works for a second. The boys decide to Shawshank (bingo square!) the bitch, and start fruitlessly hammering away at the bunker wall. With the realization that they don’t have enough time, they share a nice brotherly moment. We learn that Sam still needs to forgive himself. And Dean has started to accept himself.

Dean’s little friend busts open the joint and they restore power to the bunker.

Mary shows up at Jody’s.

Once out of the bunker, the boys start calling hunters en masse, warning them about the BMoL. Sam can’t get a hold of Jody, so they rush to her home. They find her and Alex ok, and Mary all tied up (bingo square!). Jody Fucking Mills.

Jody briefly consoles Dean, and Mary taunts them. “Aw, you want to play mother to my son? He’s all yours.” Jody reassures Dean that this Mary isn’t him mom. “What’s the matter Dean? Am I too different from the Mary you know, or too much the same?”

Sam brings in a handcuffed Toni to reverse the spellwork, but it seems that Lady Bevell lied. There is no reversal. Toni then makes it clear that the BMoL will not stop until they are dead. The boys decide to fight.

Sam Fucking Winchester Alert

Hunters gather to hammer out a plan to stop the BMoL. Long (not)forgotten hunters Walt and Roy show up. Things are...awkward. Dean had promised to kill them the next time he sees them, but since it’s all hands on deck, he gives them a pass. Sam then gives a rousing speech, and it was a glory to watch. “We know hunting isn’t just about killing. It’s about doing what’s right, even when it’s hard. So we go by our gut. Right? We play by our own rules.” It’s time to take the fight to them.

I saw this as a very nice step for Sam. He’s a leader in his own right. Dean defers to him in this moment. It’s all good.

The hunters get ready to roll. Dean, and his messed up leg, opts to stay behind. Anyway, Sam’s ready for this. AWWWWW. Dean’s going to save their mom. Jody and Alex have a moment where Jody confirms that Alex is heading to a safehouse with Donna, and Alex tells Jody to “kick it in the ass.” AWWWW. Then Dean and Sam hug and exchange “bitch” and “jerk”. AWWWW.

At the moonbase, Professor Umbridge Dr. Hess gives final orders to the BMoL that everyone is fair game in “phase two”. There are no restrictions.

The hunter army races through the night towards Moonbase. Meanwhile, Ketch pulls aside a BMoL tech to find out where Mary is located. She's in Lebanon, Kansas. The Men of Letters prepare for war.

In the bunker, Dean cuffs Mary to a chair. Toni assures Dean that she can be trusted to help him insofar as she wants to be set free eventually to see her son. Her loyalty for the BMoL dropped like a hot potato when Ketch left her to die. Toni attaches her makeshift Vulcan mind meld machine to Dean and Mary, then tranquilizes both of them to shove them forcibly into a hypnotic state.

Dean wakes in an arm chair in his childhood home. The world is memory-fuzzy and a little dreamlike because baby Sam appears out of the blue in his crib in the living room. Dean smiles fondly at his brother when his mother approaches to dote over wee Sammy. (Parallels!) She heads into the kitchen, calls four year old Dean to the table for lunch, and busies herself at the counter. “Mom,” the real Dean says to her seemingly unhearing ear. “Mom...”

At Moonbase Jody rams her truck through the compound's fence, triggering alarms. Outside the hunter army takes down the BMoL soldiers one by one. (As an aside, doesn't Jody have access to some fuckin' body armor? Come on.)

The hunters make it inside, setting explosive charges to break down doors, throwing smoke bombs, and taking out hardened, assault-rifle-armed soldiers. Jody is a fucking badass. This...makes me very happy.

In Mary’s head, Dean walks right up to her and begs her to hear him, to look at him. He grabs her arm and he can move her, jostle her. Dean realizes she's ignoring him in order to deliberately lose herself in the dream world. She pulls out a freshly baked pie for memory!Dean. In this dream she is the perfect mother. “I only want good things for you, Dean. I'll never let anything bad ever happen to you.”

“I hate you,” Dean tells her. (Fuuuuuuck my heart.) “You lied to me. I was a kid. You promised to keep me safe and then you make a deal with Azazel.” (Me: I mean, technically it was the other way around.) Mary still has her back turned but it's clear now that she's listening to Dean pour his heart out to her. He tells her about how her deal to save John's life reverberated through his and Sam's lives. She left them alone with their shell of a father. Dean admits that he had to be brother, and father, and mother to Sam. The weight of Dean's lost childhood presses on this conversation. “That wasn't fair.” Dean tells Mary the sorry story of Sam and the depths of his failure to protect his brother. And it's her fault. “I hate you,” Dean says with eyes red with tears, his voice breaking. “And I love you.” (Jensen Fucking Ackles, everyone.) He tells her that he understands. He's made ugly deals, too. Dean forgives her and promises a fresh start if only she'll fight her way out. (@mittensmorgul made a very good point about this moment/what could have been) He begs her to look at him. “Mom, I need you to see me,” he begs.

And at last, she turns, looks up, and SEES her son. They greet each other in a perfect parallel to the first episode of the season. (For my feelings on the matter, read the poetry excerpt at the end of this recap.)

(Also, my god I need to take a break with a cool washcloth on my face this was so good.)

And then suddenly Dean gets ripped from her mind and wakes to find a dead Toni and Ketch standing over him. Dean and Ketch brutally fight each other. “When you left us alone in the bunker,” Dean tells him, “I knew you were psycho but I didn't think you were stupid.” (THANK YOU for addressing this) Ketch corners Dean with a gun, aims it. And then there's a shot from behind. Mary shot Ketch in the shoulder of his gun arm. I'm gonna say she shattered bone or something to incapacitate him so well? Usually a shoulder wound in a TV show is just a laughably mild flesh wound. “I knew you were a killer,” Ketch says, intending to prod at their sense of mercy. “You both are.”

“You're right,” Dean says for the first time ever without a trace of self-loathing. Mary shoots Ketch in the head. Listen, Ketch. Sticks and stones will break your bones but guns will totally kill you.

At Moonbase Hess escapes into a biosensor-locked room. Jody and Sam break into the office. Hess tries to convince Sam that they need the BMoL. She tosses over a folder of Lucifer photos and Sam agonizingly processes the fact that the devil is running around the planet yet again. Sam won't take the deal, though. He shoots the computer which has been live streaming their little exchange to London. As Hess reaches for her gun, Jody dispatches her with a single, perfect shot to the head.

They blow Moonbase sky high.

At the bunker Dean and Mary pick themselves back up. Mary acknowledges that everything that has happened then – and now – stems from her deal with Azazel. (I’m not sure I agree because that’s a lot of shitty decisions to pile onto her one shitty decision. But it works for the emotional healing that needs to happen.) She apologizes to Dean for being distant, cold. Working with the BMoL was her way of trying to make things right, but at a distance because being with Dean and Sam hurt too much.

“Everything that's happened since has made us who we are,” Dean tells her, “And who we are? We kick ass. We save the world.” Aw, look at self-accepting Dean Bean! (See. The. Poetry.)

Mary's still scared that Sam won't forgive her, so cue Sam coming in (slinking into the bunker quiet as a cat, apparently). He pulls her in for a hug because he's Sam Fucking Winchester. It's group hug time.

I’d like to end with a quote from T.S. Eliot’s “Little Gidding”:

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

I Can’t Read All These Quotes Through My Tears:

Straight Shawshank this bitch.

Goggles.

Once I was in I just followed 'cause it was easy. Easier than leading.

Big, beautiful, and dumb.

I'll take a jacked up Dean Winchester over any other ten hunters any day.

[daniedoodles]

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 26: Books Closed

Today of all days, I’ll Always Remember You by Hannah Montana could not be taken more seriously. It’s the last day of senior year. In spite of how much I anticipated to cry on this day, I actually didn’t, possibly because I’ve thought about it so often for the last two months (or maybe it’s because my last diploma isn’t until this Thursday so really, everyone’s last day is slightly different). I have so much to say, but none all at once. This has been said time and time again, but I feel like for most of high school, we had the tendency to take it for granted; we all wanted to drop out or give up at some point because it just felt like there was nothing about our experiences that implied that eventually, it would get better. All those times complaining about homework or cramming for exams... except now that it’s over, we can’t help but focus on the good parts about it that have also come to an end, most of which were moments spent with friends doing dumb shit lmao. 2019 so far has proven to be one of the most bizarre years thus far. I’ve spent time with people that I never thought I would get the chance to, endured the most UNserious exam season, and now, the most UNserious last day of school. Since I was not remotely prepared to face the last day in terms of taking the opportunity to formally thank all of the people that made high school as fun as it has been, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and mention them on this episode :) And yes, I will be mentioning names. We’re NOT in high school anymore so there’s no need to play guessing games. 

Vicky: I never know how to start these things without making it sound cringey or sappy, but bitch we have been THROUGH it. Regardless of how we’ve managed to not get into a single class together throughout the entire three years we’ve spent in high school, we somehow managed to stay hella close which you should know by now, I am incredibly grateful for. I haven’t exactly been as active with the group, but that’s only because I know we have all of summer ahead of us to make up for it. Just know that I’m always going to be here to be the voice of reason, but also your partner in crime. We’ve laughed too loud and cried too hard over the dumbest shit, taken bomb ass photos and eaten too much food. I’m so excited for what other dumb shit we can do together. When you’re out on your own adventures, pls text me so I know you’re not dead. I love you, my favourite rat. OwO

Alex: Whew, sis. We came together on the oddest terms, talking about failed love interests and all that bs, but aren’t you glad that it happened? Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had that deep talk at the ridge, wouldn’t have realized how similar we were in terms of how bad we are with gaining closure lmao. I’ve never felt more comfortable to cry as hard as I have about the death of a fictional character as I have been with you, and that speaks volumes because I hate crying in front of other people. Last summer was by far one of the best summers I have ever experienced and I’m grateful to have spent a majority of it with you. Thanks for saving my ass when I snuck out of the house that one time and for staying up and feeding me after I got back from being out until 3am. Now that school’s out, let’s get on that mf tanning grinddddddd. ily bitch. I swear, I feel like I have I lot more to say for you but right now I’m coming up blank. But I feel like you already know what else there is that I have to say... if not, I’m saving it for your birthday (hurry up and be 18 already goddamn). 

Laureen: Laureen you already know we’re on the same wavelength lmao. Even though I feel like I see you the least of all in the group, it’s comforting to know that it doesn’t lessen the integrity (sorry to give u ptsd from the diploma) of our friendship. Being born on days that are so close together really be hitting us different. I swear, there have been so many times where we’re just thinking about the exact same thing, which is both cool and creepy. LIKE OUR GOD TALKS OMF. Seeing that we’re both the moms of the group, we gotta stick together to take care of our crackhead children. But fr, I trust you with everything. My future children, my own life, my phone, my butler ;) How are you not my emergency contact, honestly? We need to have a car talk and see what comes out of that. There is so much more I have to fill you in on. (also don’t forget about clubbing next Thursday eeooow). 

Joscelynn: Let me tell you, Joscelynn, how big of a blessing it is to have you live so close to me. Out of everything that you’ve done for me, I think the one I’m most grateful for is for the time that you “broke” into my house to check if I unplugged my straightener LMAOO... or that time when you just hugged me while I was breaking down in the washroom at the end of the day where I had a test for all four periods. As much as I don’t know who most of your tea is about, it’s nice to know that you’re comfortable to confide in me and the whole group about all kinds of things, even when we don’t ask for the kind of detail you provide HAHAHAHA. Also, thanks for always coming in clutch with all the board games. Much love, Pennywise. <3

Diane: I know we sort of hit a wall with our friendship at one point, but I’m really happy that we were still able to recover from it and rekindle our friendship. I understand that the circumstance is all different now, and we aren’t as attached to one another as we once were back in junior high, but I think there’s some good in that because we were able to grow at our own pace. Although we have to admit that we did grow a little bit apart as well in the process, I like that we are both still able to reminisce fondly on the moments we’ve shared in the past. You’re one of the brightest minds I know :). I feel like I never told you enough but I always appreciated how easily you could bring a smile to people’s faces. Yeah, keep doing it. If you ever need to vent, I’m only a 4-minute scooter ride away. 

Anna: Holy shit sis, idek where to begin. You’re by far the biggest reason why I was able to haul my ass through to the end of high school. If you didn’t look out for my water intake, or the little errors in my calculations... I don’t even want to imagine it. You’ve done so much for me and have had to endure all of my shit that I can’t encapsulate it all into a single letter. I can’t thank you enough for all the memes that have made me piss myself on countless occasions, no matter how old they were nor how often I would look back on it, for recommending me to the program that will finally release me from the constraints of the status of being a “broke ass bitch”, for staying up with me discussing all kinds of things from the environment and ethics, to fortunes, astrology, love, and TEA. We’ve both seen each other at our most vulnerable and beaten down state (which is literally every English class), and we’ve celebrated each other’s triumphs, but most importantly, laughed at our failures (English, again omg). I can’t help but get emotional whenever I think of how you’re gonna be leaving soon for UBC, but it’s not like that’s going to affect how often we keep in touch anyways lol. We can’t just have the kettle always overflow, you know? Fr tho, I’m big fucking sad about you leaving, but I’m also so proud of how far you’ve come. I really don’t know how tf I’m supposed to be able to cope with suddenly not seeing you everyday. Ugh, ew I’m crying now but as I was saying, thank you for everything. I can’t wait to get those dream recorders out on the market after we’ve gathered all the knowledge on neuro/psych and business so we don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night and write out the dreams in our notes anymore. I’ll miss you a fuck ton ON GOD. 

Cheyenne: Cheyenne!! I’m so glad I met you and Anna when I did :)) we made the best chemistry lab group, we basically made titration our mf bitch. There was always so much comfort in knowing that we were all on the same page about not getting assignments done on time for English lmao. You just hear that sigh of absolute relief. I’m happy to have become close enough with you for you to be able to trust me with all the stuff you’ve spilt, and for reading your cards when you need them read. I can’t wait for all of us to actually do shit together this summer, I don’t even understand how we let the summers prior pass us like that. In all seriousness though, Cheyenne, you’re so kind and genuine, I’m glad we’ve gotten a lot closer this year. After summer, I guess I’ll be seeing you around campus!! 

Yuan: Bitch, hay nako. Where to start? I don’t think I’ve ever been quiet OR in a bad mood after hanging out with you. I’m glad that I was able to count on you to distract me from getting any work done in class and for getting photos of mee sleeping. Grabe, nakakabwiset HAHAHAHA. Actually though, I don’t think we’ve been close-close up until recently but I’m still so happy that we are now kasi ang saya mong kasama. Not a lot of people can convince me to speak Tagalog so already that says something. Basta, I’ll keep this short cause it’s not like we’re not seeing each other over the summer. We’ve got a lot of time to make more memories. Pwede nang uminom (thank God). Thanks for all the laughs, and for keeping up with the bullshit I write on this page lol. 

Joaquin: Hey, “best friend” wassup?? We haven’t been close for long either. In fact, we’ve barely just hit the 2-week mark of our friendship. But I will say that that was the most last minute transition from acquaintance - close friend. Even though we’ve been in at least one class together during each of the three years, we weren’t necessarily on active talking terms... until now. Thus far, every moment I’ve spent with you and Yuan, or just you, have all been for the books. I don’t think I’ve laughed as much as I had on that one day that we went to Southcentre. Already I can say that you’re one of the greatest people I know: generous, kindhearted, hilarious, and with a great taste in music. I’m excited for whatever it is that ends up happening in the summer, spontaneous or planned, I can’t wait. :D Ps. Thanks for getting me out of the house lol.

Jay: James, bruh. We haven’t been in touch lately, but I feel like you already know what’s coming to you, considering a majority of my indirects to you are basically just going to get reiterated right at this moment. Always know that I genuinely appreciate all of the deep talks we’ve had in the past and that you’re one of the few people I trust to openly express my thoughts to. I hope everything with tennis continues to go well, and that we get to catch up soon ‘cause lowkey it has been TOO long since we’ve last talked-talked.  

Maxine: Max, by the time you’re back on social media, you’re probably never gonna see this because it’s going to be buried so deep into my feed and I know that you’re too lazy to scroll that far down, but I’m gonna write it anyway. We’ve been friends for awhile now, and only now, in our second semester of senior year, did we manage to get into the same class ever since junior high, and it’s safe to say that there has never been a dull moment with you... to the point where I’m pretty sure we made the teacher hate us. I don’t know why you were so set on saying goodbye today when we literally live in the same community and have each other’s numbers, but aight lol. Max, you really be the OG out here. Every time we talk we can’t help but reminisce on how much we sucked ass at opening our own lockers in grade 7 and to this day it still cracks me tf up. Thank you for dealing w my bs after all this time, and for letting me stay at your place before and after school in junior high. ily  

Jerry and Cam: Y’all we go WAYYY back. Even though you guys didn’t attend school at bob, I still wanted to make a point of thanking the both of you for reconnecting. Plus, this is one of the few opportunities I have to acknowledge the support of my audience (LMFAO) so I thought “why not?”. We’ve only hung out once since February (or March? idek), but that’s definitely gotta change now that we’ve got a lot more free time. Y’all know where to find me when you need advice/opinions/someone to talk to when you’re bored/a tour guide to the boring south lmao (or maybe not that.. I lack street smarts). 

That’s it. I’m also probably going to email my teachers because I did not have the time nor the energy to do anything before the last day of school so that’s how they’re going to get it. Is this what it means to be eco-friendly?? Writing emails instead of actual handwritten cards??? I mean.. okay I guess. 

In conclusion, ending the senior year is bittersweet. If there’s anything I’ve learned from going through it all, it’s that you should get all your shit over with in your grade 10 and 11 years, so you’ll be cruisin by senior year. Also, don’t deprive yourself of hanging out with friends. That shit sucks ass and you’ll regret it a lot. 

ps. just because high school is ending, does NOT mean that this is the end of Danie’s Dilemmas. You really think the tea’s gonna stop there??

For now. 

Keep up. 

x

[sapphicscholar]

your fics are helping me get through the shittiest breakup right now, so thank you. I know you probably have a million prompts but would you be interested in writing a story where maggie is having a really dark day and feeling really depressed/worthless within herself (either because of internalised homophobia, past trauma etc) and alex takes care of her? maybe even some soft tearful smut later?

Hey, I hope you’re doing alright! I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to get to this prompt (I didn’t want to do a shitty job when my focus was so divided with work and applications). Sending all the best thoughts your way! It’s now posted to AO3.

Author notes:

CW on homophobia, abusive families, anxiety/depression, etc.

A/N: Now that we’re in the thick of the holiday season, I’ve gotten a few asks for chosen family and hurt/comfort. I know it can be really hard dealing with family (or making the perfectly legitimate choice not to but seeing posts on social media that make it seem like everyone else has a loving, supportive biological family). No matter what choice you make (and I know sometimes there really isn’t a choice, depending on the situation), I’m sending you all the best thoughts. I hope you’re able to make time for yourself, even if it just means finding a quiet room to be alone for a little bit, maybe some wifi to catch up on gay af fanfic or cute puppy gifs, which I’ll try to post in spades over the break when I have time to be on my phone or computer. There are links to resources here as well.

A/N 2: Regarding a few lines in this fic: Obviously not all religion is inherently homophobic, nor do I think anyone smart and scientific (e.g. Alex) must necessarily be an atheist. But I think for so many of us who were raised Catholic (fun foreshadowing here for the nerd notes at the end today), religion was something that shaped our upbringing in an often profound way and was then thrown back in our faces when we came out. Are there Catholics who don’t follow the Church on its teachings about LGBTQ issues? Of course. But, for instance, the fact that my family happened to be supportive of LGBTQ rights in a general way didn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified of coming out to them; it didn’t exempt me from years of internalized shame after hearing priests and religion teachers teaching that homosexuality was an intrinsic disorder of the soul; and it certainly didn’t save me from the humiliation of having to write that gay sexuality was a sin on a test to get an A, of knowing that I put the jobs of my family members who worked for the Church at risk just by being out, of being forced back into the closet to serve as a teacher at a Catholic high school. And even with all of that, I had it easy (and I certainly had it much easier than my fiancée), which I say not to guilt anyone who is still religious, but to explain the perspective from which I’m writing in advance.

Resources:National Domestic Abuse Hotline (online and phone options): http://www.thehotline.org/

US and International Hotlines for a variety of causes: https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/167199297270/dont-ever-hesitate-reblog-this-tumblr-rule

Self-Harm Resources:http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/selfharmhttp://self-care-club.tumblr.com/post/139740925552/giant-self-help-masterposthttp://chooserecovery.tumblr.com/post/64162912692/ultimate-self-injury-recovery-masterpost

Suicide-specific resources:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/(For ones that link outside of the US):https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164643935260/selfharm-surviver-holybadbitch98https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164329606770/uie-fuwaprince-us-helplines-depression

Chapter Text:

“Are you and Maggie doing anything for Christmas?” Kara asked, popping another handful of popcorn into her mouth as she nudged Alex, who had started to nod off during the last episode of The Walking Dead.

“Hmm?”

“Christmas—what are you doing?”

“Oh,” Alex sighed, pulling herself up and rubbing at her eyes. “I don’t know. I mean…I know Maggie used to celebrate it with her family, but obviously that hasn’t been the case in years.”

“Right, right.”

“And it’s not like she goes to church at all these days.”

“I mean…you’re not exactly religious, but we still do Hanukkah with Eliza.”

Alex shook her head. “It’s different, I think. I was never religious; it was always more about…I don’t know, being with family and having something in common. I thought mom might be disappointed in me for being gay, but I never thought her reasoning would be that God said it was bad or anything like that.”

“Right,” Kara conceded. “But it might still be nice to celebrate together—you know, build new traditions.”

“I kinda fucked up with that whole thing on Valentine’s Day,” Alex sighed. Sure, they’d talked eventually and found a way to celebrate, to reclaim memories that had hurt Maggie for so many years. But Alex didn’t want to try to surprise Maggie this time and risk dredging up buried trauma once more. “I don’t know. I’ll talk to her.”

Closing her eyes, Maggie blinked back hot tears that threatened to fall. She focused on her breathing: Breathe in—1, 2, 3, 4, 5—hold—1, 2, 3—exhale—1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. She fumbled to take off her watch, finding her pulse and focusing on its too fast beat, waiting for it to slow in time with her deep breathing. She ignored the clock, ignored the reminders of how soon Alex would be home, how weak she would look sitting at the kitchen counter and crying over a piece of paper—a stupid Hallmark greeting card with some trite bullshit scrawled across it in fake cursive.

Of course, the card itself hadn’t set her off. It was the hand-written note inside. The sight of the same handwriting that had adorned the rare note in her lunchbox in kindergarten was what had left her eyes stinging, not the vague platitudes about having a very merry Christmas and an even happier New Year. As she read, she was overcome with surges of anger and sorrow and a guilt that she had never quite been able to shake, no matter how much “pride” she claimed.

She tried to seize on the anger—the rage and frustration that she’d used as motivation to succeed: to do well enough in school to get herself out of that small Nebraska town; to do well enough in college to keep her scholarship; to do well enough in the academy to guarantee her a job, even as a non-straight, non-white woman. And there was plenty of it. Anger at her father’s suggestion that her family had always been there for her, as though they hadn’t left her alone at her aunt’s house with barely enough clothing for the week. Rage at this idea that she had been the one to wrong the family simply by living her life honestly and authentically, that she had ruined something otherwise perfect by being herself. Frustration at the phrase, “your friend,” as though her father hadn’t stormed out of their bridal shower precisely because Alex was so much more than just a friend, as though he hadn’t forced her out of her home and family as a mere child because her feelings for Eliza exceeded the bounds of friendship.

But then there was the photo of all of the cousins and nieces and nephews she’d never met. There were sentences about just how much older everyone had gotten, the sickness and bad times they’d been through without her there, the deaths she’d never known about, let alone mourned. Because she’d already done that—mourning the loss of a family that still existed—but not for her. Not with her.

It still got to her, still struck her with a guilt that felt like it could wrench her open, could undo everything she’d worked for, could tear down every inch of progress and confidence and sense of self she’d fought to build for herself.

Maybe he was right. Maybe they were all right. Maybe she was selfish—selfish for putting herself and her desires above her family, the people who had raised her, who had sacrificed their lives to try to make hers better.

And there was another voice—much quieter, harder to hear, harder to believe—that seemed to call back, to tell her that she was worth it, that her life wasn’t worth sacrificing on the altar of bigoted beliefs, no matter who else worshiped there. She thought the voice sounded an awful lot like Alex’s, and its echoes, the voices of her new family: M’gann and J’onn and James and Kara and Eliza and Winn and everyone else who had come together to prove to her that she had people in her corner even when she felt most alone and least worthy of love.

But they were just that: voices. And in the face of the letter, its words right there, her fingers able to trace over them, feel the indents where her father had pressed down just a little harder, those marks and proof of a family that existed in reality—a family she could barely even think of as family anymore—those voices advocating for her faded to the background, drowned out in a chorus of self-loathing so overpowering she could barely manage to stagger toward the bed, her deep breathing long forgotten.

—

Alex found her there nearly an hour later. Her body was rigid, trembling every so often but otherwise catatonic. She looked as pale as Alex had ever seen her, and there were tear tracks streaked across her cheeks, her eyes puffy and rubbed raw from the harsh swipe of her shirt sleeves. Her fingers were clenched into fists, and her short nails were leaving deep moon-shaped imprints in her palms.

“Maggie!” Alex called out, rushing forward. She’d seen her like this once before—just once—and it had terrified her as much then as it did now. Remembering her DEO training, she forced herself to stay calm, to detach herself from the situation and let her medical instincts take over.

“Hey, Maggie, it’s me, Alex,” she said, her voice low and even as she knelt down on the ground next to her, pulling out the bottle of water she carried with her in her bag and putting it beside Maggie on the bedside table. “You okay if I sit here?”

Maggie managed to get herself to nod.

“Great. And if that changes, I can move, okay? I’m going to stay with you, but I can be a little farther away, or I can get closer if you want.” She paused to let Maggie process. “Do you think you can breathe with me?”

“It’s not helping,” Maggie forced out, her teeth chattering shut.

“Maybe if we do it together, it’ll help a little, okay?” Alex murmured. “Can I put a blanket on you?” Seeing the nod of assent, Alex pulled out the fluffiest blanket they had—the one with no tags, no rough patches or odd seams, the one that Maggie had wrapped around her after everything with her dad and Cadmus—and carefully draped it over Maggie, taking care not to tuck it under her, lest she feel trapped. Feeling how cold Maggie was to the touch, she slipped over to the edge of the room and turned up the thermostat before making her way back over to the bed.

She knelt next to Maggie, helping her to slow her breathing, holding her hand once she told her it was okay to touch, checking her pulse and smiling broadly as it came down to close to normal levels, telling Maggie just how proud she was when she was able to unclench her muscles and relax slightly into the mattress. Once the worst of it seemed to be over, she got Maggie to drink water and stretch out her stiff muscles.

“What do you say to a hot bath together? It’ll warm you up, and we can light the nice candles.”

“Even the cookie one?”

“Definitely the cookie one,” Alex agreed, smiling at the signs of Maggie returning. A few moments later, she came back into the bedroom, having lit the candles and begun filling the bath. “You good to walk?”

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded, standing up and rolling her neck to work out the cricks that had developed in it. She still let Alex take her by the hand and walk her to the bathroom, cracked a joke or two when Alex asked to help take off her clothes, grinned when Alex pulled out the extra fluffy towels they had picked up a few weekends ago and set them on the radiator to warm while they were in the bath.

For a while they relaxed in silence, Maggie sitting between Alex’s legs, her head resting on Alex’s shoulders while Alex ran her fingers through Maggie’s hair.

“My dad wrote,” Maggie said, her voice quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“What? No, Maggie, never. You’re—god, you’re one of the best people I know.”

“That’s not true. You know Supergirl.”

“Yeah, well Supergirl never gives me the last slice of pizza, and you always offer to share.”

Maggie snorted, shaking her head against Alex’s shoulder. “That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean? Because honestly, Maggie, you are one of the most caring people I know. I—you’ve made me better. And not just by helping me to come out,” she clarified, anticipating Maggie’s objection that anyone could’ve done that with enough perseverance or bluntness. “You’ve made me rethink some of those things I assumed I knew. You helped me to see aliens who weren’t just like my sister as people who needed protection, not just prosecution or imprisonment. You showed me possibilities for a life I never thought I’d have.”

“But you didn’t say anything about my family. People have died, Alex—people I loved, people who loved me. They died, and I didn’t know.”

“There’s a difference between choosing not to know and never having been told.”

“Is there? Phones exist. Hell, mail exists. I never tried reaching out.”

“You did nothing wrong!” Alex tried to bite back her anger, knowing that wasn’t what Maggie needed. “Look, I get where you’re coming from. But self-preservation, knowing to take care of yourself—that matters too. You had no way of knowing how they would react if you tried to reach out. They had already hurt you, Maggie.”

“Still. They’re family.”

“And so am I, but if I hurt you—god, Maggie, if I hurt you that way, I wouldn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness.” Trying to find words, Alex let out a sigh of frustration. “You did try, Maggie. Think about it that way. You tried—you invited your dad to our bridal shower, in part because I wasn’t thinking quite clearly. I thought…I could only think in terms of my own relationship with my mother. And we went through some rough, rough periods, but it was different. I didn’t see that clearly then. But you gave him a chance he didn’t deserve—a chance you were good and pure and kind enough to give him—and he threw it away.”

“He came.”

“Yes, and he left.”

“I know,” Maggie huffed. “And I thought that would be it! And if it was…well, maybe this would all be easier, you know? God, I just—he said no! He doesn’t want me the way I am. So why won’t he stop acting like it’s my fault?”

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, her voice barely a whisper as she wrapped her arms around Maggie. “I really don’t. And I don’t—I don’t have the perfect advice to offer. I’m happy to call him and yell at him, or get a restraining order, or burn the letter, or ignore it entirely and hold you, or kiss you until you can’t think about anything else. I mean, whatever you want, you know? I’m here for you, and I’ll support you no matter what you choose.”

“Even if I choose vegan ice cream and a whole night of Rizzoli and Isles?” Maggie teased, opting to ignore the tears prickling the corners of her eyes.

“Even both of those terrible choices.”

“You love Rizzles just as much as I do.”

“You’re a cop! How do you deal with all the procedural violations?”

“I watch for the hot ladies with delightful romantic chemistry on my screen and put up with the rest.”

“Yeah, yeah. They don’t even get to make out, though.”

“Neither do half of the actual gay couples on television!”

“Fine,” Alex whined, though she kissed Maggie’s cheek anyway, which led Maggie to turn around, finding Alex’s lips with her own and letting herself be held, letting herself be cared for.

Eventually they got out of the tub, the water having grown lukewarm. Wrapped up in a fuzzy towel, Maggie nudged Alex with her shoulder. “You think it’s okay that I don’t try to reach out to him for Christmas?”

“I think that’s your decision, and you are allowed to celebrate however you want.”

“I mean…I want to celebrate by going sledding and destroying you in a snowball fight.”

“Whatever you want within reason,” Alex clarified, laughing at Maggie’s pout. “And maybe, just maybe, we can think about traveling somewhere cold for a vacation. Don’t see why we’d want to, though,” she added, winking at her fiancée.

“So cheesy movies and as much junk food as Kara can bring over? And maybe when she leaves you and I can find our own way to celebrate…”

“I think that sounds perfect.”