#'the conversations changed over the last 15 years' maybe for YOU

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

it's really frustrating to see people focus on solely queer issues on tumblr when it comes to politics knowing that my literal human rights are on the line on multiple fronts

[agustdtown1]

Prompt no. 15 with Taehyung

PAIRING: kim taehyung x fem!reader.

WC: 2.4k

WARNINGS: the prompt is in bold, age gap (th is 35 & reader is 25), smut 18+, unprotected sex, dom!taehyung, idk if it would actually count as degradation but I’m throwing it in there just in case, idk tae just likes to make fun of reader and how desperate she is for him 🤷🏻‍♀️, doggy, chocking, slight clit slapping, a bit of masturbation (on readers end), sir kink, begging and a whole lotta petnames; btw this is not proofread.

A/N: thank you for your request, i hope you like it! I enjoyed writing this one sm.

prompt list | event masterlist | general masterlist

Unapproachable, stoic, cold-hearted and undeniably handsome, that’s what Kim Taehyung was. A man of many qualities and few flaws, one that could make any woman —or man, for that matter— weak in the knees with a single glance. His elegant mannerisms often drew people’s attention towards him, making it impossible to avoid unwanted social interactions wherever he went. Taehyung didn’t like the undivided attention he has gained over the years, which in retrospect he should have known it was going to be a given after building a successful empire in the entertainment industry. Nonetheless, the man didn’t like being the center of attention most of the time.

Luckily for him, there were times when his solemn demeanor would make people think twice before trying to talk to him, and rightfully so, for every single attempt to start a conversation with him was quickly shut down with a stern gaze and a grimace that —according to the man himself— resembled a grin. His cold attitude, however, was exactly what drew you in.

The first time you met Kim Taehyung you couldn’t believe a man like him was even real. He presented himself before you at the gala that you and your family attended every year. The man was tall enough to tower over you; his dark hair was combed nicely to leave his forehead free, giving him an elegant look; his eyes, oh his eyes, those dark brown orbs who stared you down with such a fierce gaze knocked the air out of you. But what really sealed the deal was the ghost of a smile taking place on his lips. It would be a lie to say you weren’t looking at him all night, it was quite hard not to in all honesty. Hence, you realized the tall man was not fond of smiling at others, but oddly enough he was willing to show you a grin, albeit a bit feeble, but a grin nonetheless.

“This is not your type of party.” It wasn’t a question or a guess; the dark-haired man spoke with such firmness that it made you doubt just how well you knew yourself. “It’s quite obvious.”

Taehyung didn’t show any sort of emotion on the outside, but deep inside he was trying to conceal an amused smile; he knew girls like you would kill to be anywhere else than in such a boring event. Like drinking an obscene amount of cheap vodka at a cramped bar, while your friends were trying their best to move to the beat of any trendy song at the moment; the night would undoubtedly end with you hooking up with a random guy.

Oh how he missed being young and free.

However, that was exactly what you didn’t want nor needed to do. After facing such a nasty break up, the last thing you wanted to do was mess around with just any guy that comes walking straight to you. A change of scenery is what you desperately needed, and maybe, just maybe, a man like Kim Taehyung would be the perfect remedy for that.

“I’m going to show you how a real man fucks.”

The idea of fucking a man that was ten years older than you was completely preposterous, but perhaps that’s exactly why you decided to follow through and act on your impulsive thoughts. It was stupid to believe you would be able to get in between the sheets with a man like Kim Taehyung; unrealistic, too good to be true. Therefore, the consequences that you were most likely going to face in the near future didn’t feel too serious for you to decline his offer to fuck you senseless. And with a faint fuck it, you started the memory of a night that would be too difficult to forget.

Taehyung’s hands were all over your body, caressing your skin as if it was the most delicate porcelain he’s ever touched. His lips were leaving burning kisses up and down your neck, stealing gasps whenever he used his teeth to place a harsh mark on your tender flesh. The sensations were too much to bear and he had barely done anything.

“I need more.” A small plea for the pleasure you were eagerly seeking. “Don’t tease me, please.”

“I wanted to take my sweet time with you.” He mentioned, pulling away from the crook of your neck. “But how can I say no to that when you ask so nicely?”

Without further ado, Taehyung aligned his bare length with your soaked entrance, slightly teasing you by coating his tip with your juices.

“Just put it in!” You whined, trying to guide his cock into your pussy, only to receive a harsh slap on your thigh.

“You’re in no position to tell me what to do, princess.” Kim retrieved slightly, clasping your neck with one of his big hands. “That attitude might have worked with the dumb guys you’ve fucked before, but I’m not like them. If you want something you better start acting right, otherwise you’ll get nothing.” His hot breath was falling against your face due to how close he was. “Am I clear?” You nodded dumbly, but that wasn’t enough for him. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Yes, you’re very clear.”

“Now, that’s a good girl.”

Taehyung didn’t wait for you to realize what was happening, before he slowly pushed his cock right into your drenched cunt, enjoying the warm feeling.

“Shit, you’re so tight, doll.” The man noted, already entranced by the way your walls were sucking him in. “You might not be able to take it all.”

A cry escaped from your mouth in a clear protest at what he was saying. You knew your body and your limits, and as big as Taehyung was —more than what you imagined, actually—, you were sure that you were able to take all of him. There was no need for going slow or being cautious with you, in fact, it was pointless to do so with the way you were desperately trying to get him closer to you.

“I will.” You assured him. “Don’t hold back, I can take it, I swear.” With a teasing smile you continued. “Weren’t you going to show me how a real man fucks?”

Hearing his own words coming from your mouth was like an awakening moment; you could see the switch in his demeanor, how his eyes darkened and his grip grew tighter around your waist.

“You better not be lying, doll.”

In a split of a second, Taehyung pulled out of your warm walls to flip you over and make you lay on your stomach.

“Ass up.” He ordered with a serious tone.

Kim didn’t waste a second longer before he reinserted himself inside your pussy. That magical feeling of your velvety walls wrapped around his cock was one he would never forget. The way you were, in fact, taking all of him so effortlessly was driving him crazy.

“Oh my fucking god.” You moaned, due to not only the change in position but also speed.

“This what you wanted, love? Me fucking you dumb, until your legs are shaking and the only thing on your mind is my damn name.” Taehyung was an experienced man, and along with experience came the knowledge of saying the right things to rile you up.

Even more than he already has.

“Yes, fuck. I want nothing more!”

Taehyung increased the pace of his thrusts, making you feel him ridiculously deep by the way he was pounding into you.

“Shit, just like that, don’t stop.” You cried out, fisting the sheets to ground yourself.

To your surprise, the response you got to your previous sentence was nothing more than a slap to your ass cheek, making you groan and jolt in your place.

“What was that for?”

“I already told you, darling.” He panted. “You’re no one to give me orders.”

His veiny hands were holding your hips furiously, digging his fingers in your soft flesh, and you knew for sure that there were going to be some marks showing in the morning. However, you couldn’t care any less at the moment, your only concern was getting that sweet release that was slowly approaching. By the way his cock was reaching all the right places, you knew that it wouldn’t take that long to finally get it, but you needed a bit more, just a little push.

One of your own hands drifted down to messily rub your clit in a rapid motion. Moans and whines were falling from your lips, muffled by the soft pillow. You could feel it, that sweet feeling of unraveling; an electrifying sensation running through your body to let you know your orgasm was approaching. Fingers were moving with haste, urgently touching your clit.

A deep chuckle echoed through the room, and before you could even react a much bigger hand grabbed your wrist and rudely pushed it away from your folds.

“You dumb little brat,” Taehyung sneered. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” His hand slapped your clit a few times, stealing whines from your mouth. “It is clear for me that I need to teach you some manners.”

The tall man lowered himself enough for you to feel his hot chest covering your bare back; dangerous lips brushing the shell of your ear while his muscular arm made its way up to wrap itself loosely around your neck. “Come on, ask for it. Nicely.”

You just wanted to scream; the way he was fucking you, along with his words, was driving you crazy. Not only was it the fact that his cock was repeatedly hitting that sweet spot of yours due to the way Taehyung was still ramming into you, but also his husky voice was making wonders to you. The man as a whole was so intoxicating; corrupting your mind with his indecent behavior and lewd touching. But far from wanting to get out of his spell, you leaned into his warm chest, saying his name like a sinful prayer.

“Taehyung… I wa-want you to touch me… please.”

“Touching you is all I’ve been doing since I saw you in that tight dress, sweetheart.” He stated. “Isn’t this enough?”

His free hand was hovering over your swollen clit, which was almost crying for his fingers to run wild over it. So close yet so far from what you needed.

“No…” You sighed; arms giving up and legs starting to shake, a matter of time before you would have to desperately beg for your release.

“Tsk, so greedy.”

Taehyung wanted to prolong your suffering by running his fingers close enough to your clit, but he reckoned this encounter had been going on for longer than the time he had to spare. And so, instead of being the asshole who would laugh at your desperation, he busied his hand nested in between your thighs, rubbing circles on your clit with his skilled fingers; it was clear as day that the extra touching was making you sensitive, and he loved to have such an effect on you.

“Is this what you wanted?” He teased you, sporting a bright and mocking smile on his face that you, unfortunately, couldn’t see. “Being touched like this really turns you on, huh? You get satisfied with so little, so used to being barely taken care of to be ambitious and ask for something else than the bare minimum.”

If you weren’t sure that Kim Taehyung wasn’t like any other guy you have met before, the way he talked to you really cemented the idea. No man, or boy for that matter, has ever spoken to you in the way Taehyung did. Haughty, arrogant, conceited, those were just a few of the words you could use to describe the brown-eyed man at that precise moment. Acting so sure of himself and the pleasure he could —already did— provide you with. His words were a clear example of how full of himself Taehyung really was. Surprisingly enough, that was exactly what lured you into begging him to give you more.

An ego boost, if you will, but it would assure you a mind blowing orgasm if you kept acting like that.

“Oh fuck, I’m so close.” You moaned. “You’re fucking me so good, sir.”

That word, which was far from being foreign for the tall man, fueled the fire within his body.

You really knew how to play his game.

“Say it again.” Taehyung ordered.

“Sir…” You moaned. “Please let me cum.”

A long overdue plea. Kim acknowledged that your breaking point was near, he could tell by the way you were clenching on his cock, almost making it impossible for him to move

“Fuck.” He panted, tightening the grip on your neck, which was previously loose. “You really wan it, don’t you?”

You nodded vehemently, whining and squirming beneath his body.

“Go on then, make my cock all creamy, princess.”

It was an automatic response to his lewd words. Your body exploded in a plethora of emotions and sensations that it has never experienced before. Toes curling, legs trembling, mouth agape, with moans worthy of being the audio of a porno running free through the room. Your vision became blurry for a moment, head too heavy to keep it up; your face ended up being squished against the soft pillow, while your body tried to recover from such an intense orgasm.

Through the years, you gained a fair amount of knowledge about what your body liked when it came to sex, but the things Taehyung did and said to you opened your eyes to a new side of yourself that was unfairly hidden, due to the poor performance of your previous sexual partners. But as amazing as it was, there was a pinch of fear invading your mind and heart for the same reason. No one has been able to give you what Taehyung did, and there was a very high chance that you would never be in the same situation as you were right now; how will you survive in a world where Kim Taehyung wasn’t the man making you see stars with a single touch?

“Are you okay, princess?” His husky voice invaded your ears like a sweet melody. “Hey, look at me, pretty, come back to me… there you are.”

A ghost of a smile, a genuine one, was adorning his face, making you feel uneasy.

How can a man like him be real? Where has he been all my life?

“I hope you’re not tired yet, because we’re not done here.” His small smile turned into a full smirk.

You were worried about the days to come, when your only comfort would be replaying this night over and over again in your head, but maybe, just maybe, you didn’t need to think about that for now.

“You’re mine for the rest of the night, doll.”

Taglist 🏷️: @aphrwodite @r1r111 @cholychi @artificialsuicid @vsr4197

[missdawnandherdusk]

All Good Things to Those Who Wait

Draco x Hufflepuff!Reader

There goes the last great American dynasty

Who knows if she never showed up, what could have been

There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen

She had a marvelous time ruinin' everything

Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4

Chapter 5   Chapter 6   Chapter 7   Chapter 8

Chapter 9   Chapter 10   Chapter 11  Chapter 12

The Chapter That Never Happened  Chapter 13

Chapter 14  Chapter 15

Summary: tying up some loose ends :)

A/n: *emerges from the void*

Everything has an ending. The best stories, and the worst ones. Looking back at my story, there was no better ending I could have asked the stars for. I lost people I loved but I also stood for what I believed in and led an army to victory. No one would forget what had happened in those days. The days of the Great War. 

But what is life without tying up a few loose ends. You’ve come with me this far on this journey, and now as I look back, perhaps there are some things that you’d like to know. Some conversations you’d like to hear. Some people you’d like to meet or see again. So, here are those loose ends, tied together.

**********************************

I stepped onto the porch of my childhood home. It was in the efforts to try and find my mother, and try to find some peace and meaning after the past years. Draco came with me, at my side. 

“She’s not here,” I sighed, knowing before we even stepped foot in the house that my mother wasn’t waiting for me. “And somehow that hurt’s more,” 

“She’ll come in her own time love,” Draco soothed. Maybe he was right, or maybe I’d always be searching for her in the stars like I looked for my father. 

Draco and I sat on the porch that night, watching the sun set and the fireflies come to life in the meadow that blanketed around us. 

“You cast a patronus,” Draco said as I laid my head on his shoulder, watching the wildflowers dance in the wind. 

“I know,” A smile touched my lips. 

“It was a dragon,”

“Yeah,” I took his hand into mine, thinking back to the first night Draco cast his own patronus with my father’s wand. How things had changed since then. “My mother always told me that one day I’d find my patronus and it would watch over me like my father,” 

He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. 

“I don’t think you need anyones protection,” The humor in his voice gave way to the smile that I couldn’t see. 

“It’s still nice to have someone beside me—to fight alongside me,” 

He was quiet a moment before airing his doubts. “Do you think that maybe…” I knew where he was going with the thought, because it had been chipping at the back of my mind. 

“Because they’re so different we’re not meant to be together?” I mused, finishing his worried thought. 

“Yeah,” He sighed.

“No,” I sat up, facing him. “I think they’re just right for us. I’ve thought about it—more than I should. But in reality… if we think about it, your lion,” 

“Aslan,” Draco’s fingers brushed over my locket. A smile crept to my lips and I nodded. 

“And the first task,” 

“The what?” I had caught him off guard, a beautiful sight to behold. 

“Our fourth year, that first task of the tournament.” Realization struck him. 

“Our patronus’ show the start of us—when we really first started to trust each other.” I took his hand back into mine. “They’re not so different after all,” 

He laughed without fear and kissed me softly, before pulling me closer. “The start of us,” Draco mused, and maybe he could see them like I could: a younger me standing there, skeptically looking at a younger Draco. Before the war, before the long nights, secret kiss, tears, laughter, love and loss. Two kids who took a chance. 

When the sun cleared the horizon and its final rays fading, Draco and I headed inside—to the empty house that still promised to protect me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a knock on the door. In the week that we had been here, no one had disturbed out haven. No one knew we were here.

Draco looked up from his book. I dislodged myself from the couch and his arms, and went to answer the door, on guard. I stared at the one standing before me, not knowing how to quite process it. 

“Hi, mum,” I whispered. 

“Hello,” 

Time stilled around us. Everything came rushing to the surface only to be stopped by my unparted lips. One thought escaped. 

“I did it,” my voice was barely audible. 

“I’m so proud of you,” 

Tears stung my eyes. After all was said and done relief flooded through me more than anger did. Perhaps it was the peace that blanketed the Wizarding world that calmed my hurt. 

“Mum,” My voice broke into tears. Amity wrapped around us as—after years—I got a hug from my mother. 

“I’m so sorry, honey,” She whispered, stroking my hair. “I’m so sorry,” 

I nodded into her shoulder, letting all of my bottled-up tears come out. All of the stresses from war and the nightmares that plagued me at night—my mother was still there to hold me tight. It didn’t matter that I was still hurting from wounds she inflicted, to know she was there, willing to hold me tight, and call me hers was enough. 

“Y/n, are you—” Draco came out and paused. I pulled away from my mother and looked at him. He gave me a soft smile and nodded, heading back into the house. 

“Is he upset with me?” My mother asked. I laughed hopelessly. 

“I don’t know,” I said, wiping away my tears. 

“Are you?” She asked. 

“I don’t know,” My voice softened. “There’s so much right now… so much to sort through…” 

“There is.” She didn’t deny it, and maybe it was comforting that someone outside of my peers acknowledged that I had been through a lot, and in turn that had caused a lot of heavy burdens on my heart and soul. 

My gaze drifted back to hers. 

“Do you wanna come in?” I asked. 

She shook her head. “That’s not what you want, nor need,” Reaching our she placed per hand on my arm, soothing me before I could argue. “I’ll be around if you need me, but until then, the house is for you—it always has been. Build a life,” She smiled and looked through the window—probably at where Draco was inevitably spying on us. “You’ve found a good one,” 

A smile touched my lips. 

“Thanks mum,” 

My mother inhaled sharply and nodded. “I’ll be off then,” Turning to go down the porch stairs, she paused. “He would be so proud of you,” 

Tears burned my eyes again, as I wrapped my arms around her, needing her to hold me just once more before I could let her go. Because in her arms was also the love of my father that was taken from me too soon by this war. A war that I saw an end to. And maybe in that moment, the war within me ended too. I wasn’t the daughter of a Death Eater and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. I was the daughter of Walt and Elizabeth. And that was enough

“Goodbye my love,” My mother said softly. “I’ll always be around.” 

“Bye mum,” I smiled as she wiped away my tears. “I love you,” 

“I love you too sweetheart,” 

I waved goodbye, and with a spell, she was gone. I turned to go inside. The door clicked softly behind me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Professor McGonagall?” My brows pulled together. “Not to be rude, but what are you doing here?” 

“This is a summons for you,” She held out a parchment, the usual stern look on her face was replaced with pity. 

I took the parchment and opened it, scanning the delicate print. My heart sank. 

“This is… this—“ I gaped. 

“I’m afraid so,” McGonagall sighed. “There was nothing I could do,” 

“Draco?” I called into the house. He was beside me in a moment. I handed him the parchment. “This is serious?” She nodded again. 

“I’m sorry my dear,” 

“A court summons? They’re putting her in trial!?” Draco demanded. 

“Kingsley is very set on it. And he is the new Minister,” 

“I saved the school! I helped defeat the Dark Lord! I—really!?” Tears pricked my eyes. 

“There’s got to be some mistake,” Draco insisted. “She’s not a Death Eater, she doesn’t even have the mark!” 

“I’m sure that the ministry will see that, but I’m afraid that I cannot do anything about the summons,” 

I scrubbed my face and sighed. “Thank you Professor. Can I invite you in for some tea?” 

“That’s very kind dear, but I’m afraid I must be on my way,” She bowed slightly then disaperated from the porch. 

I stood there a while, lost in my thoughts. Draco gave me a gentle squeeze and kissed the crown of my head before disappearing inside. My feet took me off the wood of the porch and into the softness of the grass. I sank to the ground beside a fence post. The sun began to set. My eyes watched the horizon. Millions of thoughts swirled around my mind with no discernible direction. 

Was there even a case for me to be innocent? Is this what everything I had worked for come to? To be seen as a criminal for holding a crumbling cause together? 

____________________

“Where is she?” Abby asked, helping Pansy through the fireplace. 

“Out front, watching the sunset,” Draco sighed, opening the front door. “She’s been out there a while,” 

“Can’t imagine why,” Pansy muttered. “They’re seriously putting her on trial?” 

“Yep,” Draco sighed. “All this time I thought I’d be the one, and yet…” 

“I’ll go talk to her,” Abby kissed Pansy’s cheek. “You guys get to work,” 

“Thank you, both,” Relief flooded Draco’s voice. 

Abby snagged an old afghan off the back of the armchair and went out through the small meadow. She draped the blanket around your shoulders and sat beside you in the grass. You laid your head on her shoulder. She could see the dried tear tracks on your cheeks. 

“How—how could they do this?” Your weak voice held deep betrayal. 

“I don’t know,” Abby answered honestly, taking your hand into hers. “But we’re not going to let them get away with it.” 

“I don’t—I can’t defend myself in court—I,” You dissolved into tears. “Haven’t I done enough?” 

“More than enough,” Abby affirmed. “Don’t worry, we’re gonna work it out—you’ll see,” 

“How?” You asked. 

“Well, you’ve gathered quite a few allies who owe you once or twice,” Abby pointed out. “And others who just love you anyway. Draco and Pansy are working on it now,” 

“Wha—what?” 

“We’re gonna build your case,” Abby promised. “And get you acquitted.”  

“They’re…” A sad laugh left your lips. You laid back on the grass. Abby knew you were searching for the first stars in twilight. 

“Don’t worry about a thing,” Abby smiled at you. “Just rest,” 

The days past and my trial date approached like a storm on the horizon—but whether it was just rain or a hurricane, I couldn’t tell. Draco assured me that it would all be okay—he tried to tell me about everything done to build my case, but I wasn’t interested. Grateful, thoroughly, but I knew that if I learned anything about it, I would pick it up myself and try to fix it and my weary heart couldn’t handle that and keep beating like it was supposed to. 

So, I dressed smartly and took Draco’s hand before we took the Floo to the Ministry. I kept my head low, and tears at bay. 

Though Draco, Abby and Pansy accompanied me into the court room, I had to sit alone for the trial. The distance was drowning. I sat in the hard wooden chair, facing malice and prejudices. Kingsley looked almost predatory, as if he could pin the entire war on my shoulders, casting the blame on me. 

I flinched as the charges were read against me. The list of dead was longer than I thought. I didn’t dwell on the days of the Battle of Hogwarts, nor the events that occurred. They haunted me in my dreams, make no mistake, but what was real and what was a nightmare I lost the ability to discern. 

Was that much blood really on my hands? 

My faith in myself began to waver. Maybe I did deserve to be locked up. A few years in Azkaban with dementors sucking my life force might make me forget what I had done. 

Surprise flickered on my face as I saw Remus Lupin stand to my defense as an attorney. It was the first time that I had actually taken note of who was in the room. There had to be at least thirty people all gathered behind Draco and Pansy that I could see—more filed out the door in the back. All faces of those I loved, I had fought beside, I had grown up with. 

The static in my ears tuned in and out of Lupin and Kingsley conversing. It wasn’t until their voices raised to shouting that the static was drowned out. My eyes flickered up from he thread in my hands. 

“She cast unforgivables! She killed! She’s dangerous!”

“Death Eaters who were threatening our lives! The lives of wizard kind everywhere! She stopped a genocide!” Remus shouted back, obviously frustrated. “She showed remarkable strength and courage in a time of great darkness, and you will not diminish that.” 

“They are unforgivables! We have laws for a reason!”

“If I may,” McGonagall stood and the entire room quieted. “That list of names that you read was a long list of Death Eaters who have either escaped from Azkaban, or are known Death Eaters and have killed before. Miss Y/n had very hard decisions to make. The ministry found itself incompetent for lack of a better word. She, along with her friends, engineered an army to face the Dark Lord. Over the years what she went through has turned her into who she is today. She fought along side the other heroes who stand before you. She will be counted among them. You would not punish an Auror for the same thing and you will not punish her.”

“But—” Kingsley was red in the face. 

“If you put her in jail, you put the rest of the rebellion too,” The voice that piped up from the crowd surprised me. It was Harry. He stood and all eyes went to him. “Without her, I never would have been able to defeat Voldemort. Dozens more would be dead. You send her to Azkaban… then you’ll send me too,” A hushed gasp filled the room. A small one escaped my own lips.

“Mr. Potter,” Kingsley tried to regain control of the room. 

“And me,” Abby spoke up. 

“And me,” Neville stood. 

Soon everyone around me was standing on my behalf. Pansy, Luna, Ginny, all of the Weasleys actually, Ernie, Hannah, Emme, Blaise, Draco, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Fleur, Tonks, Remus, McGonagall, Moody, Sprout, Flitwick, and others I couldn’t see in the vast room. Kingsley faltered at the large defense behind me. 

“You send her then you send each one of us,” Harry spoke clearly. “I’m your stupid chosen one, even if she did something wrong, don’t I have clearance to pardon her or something?” 

A smile crossed my face. Intense silence stretched on consuming time and space until it was suffocating me. 

“Very well,” Kingsley sank back into his chair. “Y/n you have been cleared of all charges and sentencing. You are free to go,” 

Relief flooded through me as the room erupted in cheers. I met Draco’s eyes and he was smiling with pride. I collapsed back into that wooden chair in tears. There was a swarm of people around me, all making sure that I was alright, but they all parted for Draco to reach me. 

“Love?” He asked softly, kneeling before me. “I’m here,” He pulled me into his arms and we shared the embrace of lovers. As I exhaled, the weight of the world fell to the floor. 

I was free. 

I was acquitted. 

Now, I just had to find my innocence. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Draco?” It was a crisp autumn morning. He looked up from the newspaper. “I’ve been thinking,” 

He smiled and set down the paper, giving me his full attention. I almost wished he didn’t. 

“I… I know it’s been a long road here… and since we’ve met it’s kinda been hell.” A sad laugh left my lips. “There’s a whole world out there Draco,” My eyes flickered to the willow growing outside the kitchen window. 

“Yeah?” He prompted softly. 

“Don’t you want to go see it? Be young and reckless and not have to feel like—like you’re running an entire school?” I gestured. 

“I do,” He confessed softly. “We are still young Y/n, we have a long life ahead of us,” 

“…You still want it with me?” I felt as if the oxygen was being vacuumed from my lungs. “We were just kids when we met Draco. We went through a war together—and now it’s over. The war. You don’t have to stay here,” This house was just as haunted as I was.

“What—where is this coming from?” Draco stood, rounding the small breakfast table. “I want to be with you. I want to share my life with you,” He took my hands into his. “So, let’s go travel the world together—learn who we are outside of the war.” 

Hope sparked in my chest. “Really?” 

He laughed softly. “Oh my darling, you are one of my best friends, I’ll go anywhere with you,” His words lured me to melt into his warm embrace. We sat on the kitchen floor. He stroked my hair softly. 

“Just for a while,” I mumbled. “There’s so much we haven’t seen,” 

“I know,” The smile was evident in his voice. “And it’s going to be incredible—and we’re going to learn how to heal along the way,” I nodded into his shoulder. 

“I was thinking about maybe even living muggle for a little bit,” The confession was a weight from my shoulders. “I need space.” 

“Okay,” His soft agreeable caught me off guard. “I think it would be good for both of us actually. And maybe even fun,” 

I laughed softly as tears formed in my eyes. Leaning against him I watched the morning sun move across the wooden floor. 

“I love you,” I whispered softly. “And if you… if I’m not…”

“Hush,” it was a soft reprimand. “I think you’re right. We need time away from it all. To find who we are away from it all,” 

I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. 

“We’ll come back,” I promised. 

“I know we will,” Draco smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Knowing you, you’ll want to come back and help build a better system,” 

My cheeks flushed red. I hadn’t told anyone about my ideas to make Hogwarts better—to make the Ministry better, hell to even make Azkaban better. It was time for things to change. I smiled to myself. Maybe I was more rebellious than I thought. 

And yet, Draco knew—he knew all the little plans in my head that were hidden just for me. Being known felt like belonging—and I belonged with him. 

**********************************

Traveling with Draco would always be saved in my memories until I died, and when it started to slip, it would be saved into a pensieve. I wouldn’t forget. 

We bought a muggle car and drove it until it felt right to stop. It wasn’t the famous places where we found ourselves, rather it was the forgotten places where we felt most at home. Where I could stand on a cliff edge and just scream and laugh and no one was around to hear me. Where Draco and I would sit at the edge of a river and send down leaves that held our biggest regrets, our losses, and our fears, learning to let go. Where we would sit in cafes and draw what we saw around us and enjoy pastries and tea. Where we could dance in the middle of a crowded room with other couples who didn’t know us from Adam. 

But that is a story for another time. 

For now, I’m sure you have a burning question that you’ve been waiting for me to answer. 

And yes. 

Draco did take me to go and see Phantom of the Opera in Paris like he promised. 

Oh, and we got married.

But, again, that is a story for another time. 

There is one last person I want you to meet before I close. 

**********************************

My heart caught in my throat. 

“Draco?” I squeaked out, leaning against the bathroom counter. “Draco!” 

“What? Are you alright? What’s wrong?” He was frantic, looking for danger. 

“I’m… pregnant,” I whispered, looking at him in wonder. “Draco… I’m—“

“Holy harpies,” 

Realization flickered across his face as it rose into an elated expression of joy. A victorious laugh as he scooped me up and twirled me around our lavish bathroom, in our muggle flat in the suburbs of London. His joy was contagious as I giggled in his arms, holding onto him. He set me down, stroking my face softly. Then he pressed a kiss to my forehead. 

Draco must have seen some fear linger in my stare. Some uncertainty that was well justified. 

“The war is over,” Draco reassured drawing me back into his arms. “They’ll be safe. We’ll make sure of it,” 

I nodded, curling my fingers into his sweater, my smile returning. 

“I’m gonna be a mum,” I laughed. 

“And you’re going to be absolutely brilliant.” He pressed a kiss to my lips. “Absolutely brilliant.” 

“And you’re gonna be a great dad,” Tears pricked my eyes. “God, I don’t know the first thing about being a parent,” A nervous giggle left my lips. 

“We’ll learn and figure it out,” He stroked my cheek softly, stealing another kiss. 

A thousand parenting books, a baby shower, and a few doctors appointments later, Draco and I were curled up on the couch in our flat as the fire crackled in the hearth. 

We had yet to settle on a name—to be fair we narrowed it down a lot, but with every new suggestion came a new round of anxiety that it wouldn’t be just right. It left me up at all hours thinking of it; so much so that Draco had to find a pregnancy safe sleeping potion so I could get proper rest. 

“Elizabeth?” Draco mused, after my mother. I pursed my lips. It had been a suggestion that circled around. 

“I’d like it as a middle name,” I decided, the thought had been mulling over in my mind. 

“Okay done,” He smiled, reaching over to stroke my stomach before resuming his massage of my sore feet. 

“Still need a first name.” I pondered, leaning my head against the back of the couch. “Narcissa?”

Draco snorted. “I’m not calling our daughter by my mothers name,” 

My heart fluttered when he said our daughter. 

“Well we need something,” 

“How about Lucy?” That was a new suggestion: one not voiced by either of us. 

“If that’s some way to get me to name her after your father I swear to Merlin—“

Draco burst out laughing shaking his head. 

“Godric, no. Ugh,” he chuckled. “No, love, Lucy as in the first one to find Narnia. Ya know, that book you read to me all those years ago. The current theme of our nursery?” 

“Oh,” my eyes widened at the thought, my heart softening. “Lucy,” I looked down, caressing my stomach when I felt something odd. Frowning I pressed my palm over the area. Draco caught my confusion and grew very concerned. 

“What? Is she alright? What wrong?” 

“Nothing,” I grinned. “She’s kicking—I think she likes her name,” I reached out for his hand and placed it in the same spot where mine resided as I felt her kick again. 

“Hello little Lucy,” Draco whispered softly. “I can’t wait to meet you,” 

Tears pricked my eyes as I watched him talk to her softly. And like every night, Draco got up and made me my tea that had Sleeping Draught in it—which he brewed specifically for me. It reminded me of our school days when he would spend class time brewing me anti-anxiety potions. It warmed my heart that his habit didn’t wane even with the years past.

That night my eyes fluttered open. I woke in the night, barely awake and ready to fall asleep again when I heard a soft voice. At first I thought Draco was trying to speak to me but I quickly realized that he was talking to someone else. 

“You’re going to be one of the greatest wizards to ever walk the earth,” he murmured softly. “You’ll be kind and smart like your mother. You’re going to love her so much. We already love you so much.” 

I let my eyes drift closed as a smile touched my lips. I resisted the urge to reach out and take Draco’s hand, in fear that he might become bashful about the situation. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small bundle of warmth rested on my chest, peacefully sleeping. My hand rose and cradled the small thing, tears pricking my eyes. My other hand was still clinging to Draco’s. 

 Lucy Elizabeth Malfoy. 

There were tears in Draco’s eyes as he reached out and with the softest touch caressed her tiny head. 

“She’s beautiful,” he murmured. “You did so well,” 

Exhausted, I let my eyes close, knowing that all was right with the world. Lucy would grow up in a world free from the threat of Voldemort and Draco would be by my side to protect her. We had already bled and fought and now we would make this new world we fought for, right for her. 

A new legacy. 

A new hope. 

.

masterlist

.

more like this:

two by two

Beautifully Beastly

.

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[talkdutchtome]

Glitch - teaser

pairing . . . max verstappen x reader / mason mount x reader )

summary . . . when mason mount finds out that his assistant has been harbouring feelings for him for years, he makes it clear he doesn't feel the same way. but once he sees her become closer with formula 1 world champion max verstappen, he realises he may have underestimated his feelings towards the girl he has now pushed into the arms of another )

genre . . . angst )

song . . . glitch- taylor swift )

warning . . . tbd )

series masterlist . . . available here )

a/n . . . this is a little section of the first chapter as a little teaser for what's to come. hope you like it )

“Mason why did you and Y/N come in together, aren’t your places on opposite sides of the city?” Ben asked his best friend already knowing the answer to his question. Despite the fact that Y/N worked for Mason as his assistant, the pair were close, very close; so when they arrived to the party in the same car, Ben didn’t have to wonder too hard about the reason why. “Oh, she was at mine for a movie night last night and she was too tired to go home so she stayed.” Mason told his friend matter-of-factly, not seeing what the issue was or why his friend in front of him looked so annoyed. Even if you took away the widely inappropriateness of an employer having his employee stay at his house, there was the small issue of the fact that Y/N was madly in love with Mason and had been for years now. As much as she tried her best to keep it hidden, the only person in their circle that didn’t seem to know about it was Mason himself. Ben and Reece had a conversation a few days before, discussing whether they should tell Mason as from an outside perspective, even if it was unintentional, he did seem to be leading Y/N on; they both knew their friend extremely well, so they knew that he didn’t have the same feelings that she had for him and they knew that if Mason knew the full story there are aspects of his relationship with her that he might change.  

“Look mate,” Ben started, unsure of exactly what to say but knowing he needed to say something. “I think you should know that Y/N has feelings for you” Mason’s brows furrowed, completely taken aback by his friends' blunt honesty. “What? No are you sure?” he asked him, truly hoping that he was mistaken or playing some kind of prank. “I’m 100% sure, it’s obvious to be honest with you mate. You can see it in her eyes when she looks at you, she really truly loves you. Having her stay at your place and being that close to her, it’s going to make her think that someday you two could be more than friends, so if that’s not the case then you really need to reconsider doing things like that as it isn’t fair on her. Y/N’s a good girl, you know that she deserves to be happy.” Ben’s words make Mason’s head spin. Y/N was more to him than just his employee, she was one of his closest friends, but he really didn’t see her as anything but a friend. “Oh, fuck Ben what should I do?” Mason asked with his brain completely frazzled at this point, 15 minutes ago he was feeling great, he had just had a great day with one of his best friends and then then he came to a party to blow off some steam after a very stressful week, but now it seemed like everything had come crashing down. “I think you need to speak to her, make it clear that you value her friendship but you don’t see her as anything else, let her down gently.” he told Mason who simply nodded before starting to walk towards the girl in question who was at the bar talking to one of the other players girlfriends., the second Ben realized what he was trying to do he put a hand out to stop him from going over there, causing Mason to look back at him with a puzzled expression. “Maybe telling her right this minute isn’t the best idea though mate, considering you’re in public. Not to mention the fact we’ve all got that trip planned for the Spanish Grand Prix in a few days, maybe you should wait until after that. If things don’t go well that could make the whole trip so awkward.” Ben pleaded at his friend, but he could see on Mason’s face that his words were going in one ear and out the other. “Fine go, but be nice to her and you better not ruin the race for everyone” he relented, taking his arm off of his friend and letting him walk towards the unsuspecting girl.  

“Hey Y/N, can we talk?” Mason asked with no regard for the fact that she was already deep in conversation with somebody else. His bluntness combined with the pained look on his face made her recognize instantly that whatever he wanted to talk about wasn’t likely to be lighthearted. She hesitantly followed the man as he gestured for her to come along to a quieter part of the bar. Before she could ask what was going on, Mason had already asked her a question that made her stomach sink - “Do you have feelings for me?” She had absolutely no idea how to answer his question, of course she knew the answer; she had been pining after him for years at this point, but she just wasn’t ready for him to know that yet. “Will you please just answer my question?” he almost demanded, his harsh tone making her freeze. Looking up at her best friend with tear filled eyes she muttered the last thing he wanted to hear - “Yes”. Her voice was so faint that it didn’t come out as anything more than a whisper but to Mason it was the loudest thing he had ever heard. Y/N had imagined having this conversation with Mason so many times, imagined herself finally telling him that she loved him but in all her fantasies, in all her daydreams, he had never flinched like he had done just now. “Mason I -” she started but stopped in her tracks when she saw tears forming in her best friend’s eyes. “How could you do this Y/N, why would you ruin our friendship like this?” he asked her in genuine disbelief. Mason watched the girl stood in front of him stumble over her words, clearly not expecting to be asked that question, before putting her almost full glass down on the table and running out of the bar.  

[theemporium]

15 with steve please!

15. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

.

As sad as it sounded, Steve got pretty used to people zoning out when he spoke. 

Yeah, he had people who fawned over him and girls who flirted with him and guys who wanted to be him when he reigned as King Steve, but none of them ever really listened to him. Neither did his teammates on his basketball team. Neither did his parents. 

Nobody ever really focused on the words he said, nobody ever really bothered to remember them either. 

Things shifted when the world of the Upside Down came crashing into his life. When his close knit group of friends became a group of rangly kids that Steve never considered would change his life for the better. When he learnt that popularity and numbers meant shit when you had people who would die for you, who would care if you died even. 

And as much as he loved and adored his little found family, his luck with girls didn’t become any better as the years passed.

When he was King Steve, they just used him for his looks and social status. When he was working at Scoops Ahoy, they flirted with him in hopes of a discount or a freebie. When he moved to Family Video, they just saw him as a cute face to play about with but eventually leave in the dust. 

And the saddest part of it all was that Steve never expected it to change, he never expected that his life would be anything but bad luck and bad dates. 

Then, after being dragged into a campaign last minute for the sake of filling numbers by Dustin and Eddie, he met you. 

You were pretty. So fucking pretty that sometimes it made his heart race and his brain stop working and he was pretty sure he would forget his own name if someone asked him. And you were funny, in an effortless way that made his cheeks hurt every time he was around you because you just made him so happy. And, by some fucking grace of god, you liked him. 

Or at least, he thinks you do. 

He really fucking hopes you do. 

But his doubts got the best of him and he allowed himself to push away the question he was desperate to ask you, no matter how much Eddie and Robin hounded him to just bite the bullet and ask you out on a date. He couldn’t fuck it up, and he couldn’t lose you. 

And then you sauntered into Family Video less than three hours after his shift started, smiling brightly as you dumped a container on the counter in front of him. 

“Uh,” Steve glanced down at the container before looking up at you, finding his cheeks flushing slightly at the smile you gave him. “Not to be a stickler or anything, but this doesn’t look like a copy of Jaws.”

You rolled your eyes, nudging the container closer to him. “Open it.”

“Open it?” Steve parroted. 

“Yes, open it,” you said to him, almost rolling back on your heels as you watched him reach for it. “It’s for you.” 

Steve remembered a vague conversation he had with you a couple of weeks back. He offered to drive you back home after a campaign and ended up parked outside your house whilst you spoke for two hours before eventually leaving the car. It had left him giddy for days after—much to Robin’s amusement.

He didn’t think you had actually listened to him during that conversation, let alone remember a single fact from it. Maybe because Steve wasn’t used to being the one having something done for him.

“You said they were your favourites when you were younger,” you started when you noticed the way he fell silent after opening the container. “The bakery didn’t make them anymore so I tried my best go at making them myself but, uh, I’m not really a baker.”

Steve stared at the box in front of him, containing around ten dinosaur shaped cookies with green icing and multi-coloured sprinkles decorating them. He felt his throat close up when he noted the different faces and expressions on each cookie, all homemade by you just because Steve stupidly admitted to you that he used to love the dino cookies the local bakery made whenever he stayed with his grandmother before she died. 

The nerves started to eat at you the longer he stayed silent. “Do…do you like them?”

Steve finally tore his eyes away from the cookies, blinking back the wetness in his eyes as he gave you such a soft smile it made your heart sore. “I can’t believe you remembered.” 

“Dino cookies are hard to forget,” you joked lightly, your expression a little sheepish. “I’m sorry if they taste like shit—”

“They are perfect,” Steve said with certainty. 

Your brows furrowed. “You haven’t even—”

Not missing a beat, Steve grabbed a cookie from the top of the pile and shoved a large chunk in his mouth as he took a bite. His eyes widened a little as he looked down at the cookie before shoving the rest in his mouth. 

“Holy shit,” he murmured, blushing a little when he heard the way you giggled at his muffled words before he made sure to swallow the cookie before continuing. “You actually made those?”

“With my own two hands.”

“They’re insane,” Steve said, pretending like his heart wasn’t thundering against his chest. “I—thank you. So much.” 

“Anytime, Stevie,” you answered with a smile. 

“You think you can teach me the recipe?” he asked, partially joking and partially serious because anytime spent with you was a win in his books.

“Does Friday work for you?” you asked and he nodded. “Perfect. It’s a date.” 

Steve didn’t even get the chance to respond before you turned on your heel, walking out the store before he even opened his mouth. But he looked down at the box of cookies, a wide grin spread across his face and found himself eager for Friday to roll around.

.

[beautiful-basque-country]

I saw something on TV once, I think it was a National Geographic show, where they mentioned that theory that Basque is perhaps the only surviving language from when Neanderthals were alive. Do you mind me asking why you mentioned in that recent post you didn’t want to comment on the theory?

Is it because most people use it as a racist attack? Deplorable, and those people deserve to be smacked.

The show did like a 15 minute segment on the theory and went over how the language is an isolate and compared to other languages, while it is evolving, it hasn’t really been changed/impacted by other languages. So ultimately the current language and older forms of it aren’t drastically different, unlike how something like modern English and Old English are basically two different languages at this point. They then said it’s likely that if any writing existed from the Neanderthal period anyone who knew Basque would probably be able to read it and speak whatever was written without much difficulty.

I just thought it was so cool something could be so well taken care of and respected that it basically hasn’t changed. Fascinating to think someone today could hold a conversation with someone else from so long ago! Lord knows I’d be screwed if you dropped me into the Middle Ages and told me to go speak to King Alfred.

Even Latin! We have no idea how it was actually spoken and how anything was pronounced. We’re just guessing.

Sorry if other people toss that theory at you to insult you!

Kaixo anon!

Thanks for your message!

I have to clarify the post you mentioned was a reblog and I just added the last pic, so you'd have to ask OP about why they don't wanna comment on that theory ^_~.

That said, no: I don't care what that documentary said, Basque is not the language of the Neanderthals. They're believed to have appeared around 200,000 years ago and disappeared 40,000 years ago; even if we consider that Basque was a descendant of their language - and that's assuming Neanderthals spoke a single language, from Europe to Asia - it's completely impossible that a 21st-century Basque speaker could understand this presumed original Neanderthal language.

The Hand of Irulegi - an artifact around 3,500 years old - displays a Vasconic text and nobody knows what it says, and that's knowing that Vasconic was an ancestor of nowadays Euskara. Even nowadays, a Spanish speaker can't understand Latin - except maybe a couple of words - and Spanish diverged from Latin not too long ago, around the 10-11th century. Can you imagine a 40,000 years gap between two languages??

And of course Basque have been impacted by the surrounding languages. Basque people haven't lived isolated in an island with no contact whatsoever with other peoples, quite on the contrary, we've lived with many cultures thoughout our history, from Iberians to Romans, to Franks, to Berbers and Arabs, to Spaniards. Basque has influences of all of them, be it loanwords or more technical remains. As you say, it's an evolving language that hasn't started evolving now, it's been doing it for millennia!

Regarding the theory being thrown as a racist attack, don't worry, it isn't! It all comes from genetics and genetic studies that show some very little differences in Basque people. In some of these studies it was concluded that Basque and Asturians, probably due to the difficult geography of our regions, were left more isolated from the Iron Age on, and hence we have the oldest lineage in Iberia. This is explained by guessing that these populations were less multiethnic and probably more endogamic. Given this situation, the DNA is slightly different - slightly! - and we have more DNA that comes directly from prehistory than the rest. Period.

But there's this obstinacy to take Basque people - just like Aztecs or Ancient Egyptians - as a mystery because there are many gaps in our history and language that science hasn't still explained and some people feel the need to fill them with crazy theories. Like the one that said that Neanderthals didn't go extinct but that nowadays they're known as.. Basques! When we already know that Neanderthals were a completely different species from Homo Sapiens: so if modern Basques are Homo Sapiens now as we know we are, I'm sorry, but we're no longer Neanderthals if we ever were.

Sorry for the long answer!

[yeahspider]

tooth brush 🫀

Ve’s note - this is fluff . i love a good friends to lovers trope and this is exactly what this is . han jisung x gn reader . this was inspired by that one dnce song . no actual smut but illusion to sex and alcohol mentions .abrupt ending as usual bc i suck at conclusions . i’m gonna get better at posting more frequently and proofreading i swear . (also i’ve gotten a lil critique on my writing style recently but i write how i talk . very casual and very realistic . this is 100% a personal choice and won’t be changing anytime soon sorry *kinda*) anyways i hope your enjoy and feel free to request in my inbox !! <3

you didn’t expect you’d end up here . never in a million years . staring at your reflection in the mirror it’s safe to say you look a mess . bare feet on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor . hair in every which direction . clothed in only a shirt which definitely didn’t belong to you . maybe you had one to many last night . and now you had to deal with consequences .

taking a deep breath you turn on the faucet sink to splash some water on your face . you needed to be 100% awake for the conversation that awaited you once you stepped out your safe haven . just a few steps outside the bathroom door was your childhood best friend han jisung . it’s been awhile since you’ve seen each other . life taking you on different paths . him to a studio and you to college . your bond never severed though .

you had came home from school and decided to have a sleep over with at his house . an event which has happened several times but not once has it ended the way it did last night . you could blame the liquor or you could blame the unresolved feelings that have sitting between you two since you were both 15 .

you knew hiding in the bathroom and waiting for him to leave the room so you could sneak out wasn’t a realistic option . but it was the one that brought you comfort . confronting the hours you spent embraced in each other last night was scarier in comparison . you could smell the breakfast his parents were cooking for you both downstairs . yeah sneaking out was seeming less likely by the second . picking up your sparkly blue toothbrush you left there after your last sleepover you decide to buck up . you were both adults . adults have sex . it’s normal ….maybe not with their childhood best friend but your sure it’s happened before . spitting out the paste you run yours hands through your hair and take a deep breath . you could do this .

“are you going to hide out in there forever or are you gonna come out eventually ?” you heard jisung say from the other side of the door . you could just picture the smile on his face . it leaked through his voice . there went your resolved , down the drain with your toothpaste . your hope of sneaking out officially ruined you grab the doorknob and step out .

“ah there you are i thought you had fallen down the drainpipe or something .” he said as he took in your disheveled appearance . you were rooted to the floor , scrunching your toes in the carpet and gripping the bottom of your - jisung’s - shirt out of nervousness . you couldn’t find it in you to respond to him . and that’s when he burst out laughing . shocking you out of your stance . how could he be laughing right now . this is a serious situation . but the longer you laughed the more weight you felt lifted of your shoulders . you realized that this was just jisung .

you quarter your shoulders . hand on a hip and sled him what exactly was so funny . your tone mocking an anger that you didn’t really feel .

“you’re just cute when your nervous.” jisung’s said as he gestured you to come lay back in the bed . making your way over to him you grumbled something out about not being cute . he pulled you into his lap as you crossed your hands over your chest . pouting at him for laughing at you .

“hey don’t pout it’s okay i have no regrets .” he said as he swirled soothing circles on your bare thighs . bringing a comfort over you as you smile at him . you asked him if he was just saying that to make you feel better .

“i’ve been in love with you since we were like 15 i’m just glad you feel the same way …unless you do regret it ?” he posed the question to you a hint of insecurity in his tone , to which you brushed away as you planted a kiss to the mole on his cheek . you would never regret him .

“cmon my parents made breakfast we can talk seriously after you eat.” jisung stated as he took your hand and lead you out the bed and towards the smell of breakfast .

[jisungsbff01]

.2.

.like i need you.

...pairing…Chan x reader

...w.c... 1.9K

...genre…slice-of-life, college au!

...warnings...swearing,

...characters...Y/N, (OC) Lilith, (OC) June, Hyunjin, Chan, Han, Jeongin, Felix, rest of SKZ mentioned

...synopsis...No one ever really knows what they wanna do in their 20s, but Y/N has always known what she was going to do. So, she began the journey to her dream and is so close to reaching it with no distractions at all. Until she is thrown into a project with Hyunjin, a fellow senior in college, and he introduces her to a few of his friends...connecting with one in particular...

Her whole plan is soon thrown off the track she’s had it on for 21 years….

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

The next morning, after maybe two hours of sleep, I stopped at the local student coffee shop, grabbing something for me and Hyunjin before heading to the bus top for a 15 minute drive to the closest stop to the dance studio Hyunjin and I have been using for the last couple of weeks. He said that rather than having to rent a room through the school, he knew the owner of a local one that hardly anyone used anymore. I’m sure the owner was more than happy to have both our company and our generous donations, since she refused to let us pay by the hour like she required for the public.

I punched in the passcode she offered for Hyunjin and me before pushing my way through the creaking door, the bell above ringing. I heard slow beats in the studio and I made my way in, assuming it was just going to be him. Little did I know, he was going to have two friends with him. I knew both, thankfully, I wasn’t very open to dancing in front of strangers…another reason I wasn’t a choreographer. I saw Jeongin conversing with Felix, who I met a time or two when I would meet Hyunjin at his dorm. I brought Hyunjin his coffee, then properly greeted the two other men in the room. Felix, surprising me with a hug, “Y/N, I’ve missed seeing you, Jinnie’s been hogging you up in studios too much. You need to come by the dorm sometime. I know I wouldn’t be the only one who’d ap-”

A loud clap sounded from the other side of the room, “Okay! You two heathens have two choices, sit on the side quietly or leave-your choice!”

Jeongin made a face at his demanding friend and dragged Felix to the bench spanning the side of the room the the right.

Hyunjin had me set our drinks where we wouldn’t spill them and we decided to start at the hook of the song. I watched a few feet away from him, so I could gauge where he had gotten with the choreo. I put in a few suggestions that made the dance look like it would flow more with his body, surprisingly enough, he took the offer, stating that it felt more natural anyway.

One..Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight

The counting Hyunjin showed to me consistently sounded through my head and I jumped in when it felt right, following his languid movements. Once the song came to an end, our breathing slightly elevated he turned to me and smiled, “Why don’t you dance with me more? Ooh, I can ask my instructor if I can bring you on and make it a duet?”

I laugh with a hand on my chest, “Hyunjin, you’re being generous, I do NOT want this to be a duet, I will ruin your grade, I swear it. I am entry level, at this point you’re a pro, I am not willing to bring your final grade down. If you’re up for it, once you get your grade back, you can alter the dance as a duet and we can try that as a side project?”

He thought about it for a moment and his face lit up,” I love that idea! So, be prepared to be amazed and tired. But, I still would like you to practice with me, the studio feels empty dancing by myself.”

He gave me little puppy-dog eyes and I caved, “Okay, okay. Just be patient with me, I’m still new and learning.”

After a little “hehe” he started the song over and we started from the top, working on parts we each thought we could change slightly to make more impactful. Every once in a while, Felix would offer suggestions that neither of us thought of due to being to wrapped up in our own bubble of creativity. After an hour and a half, Hyunjin received a phone call and I gave him the go ahead to answer it. This giving me a break to drink water and to cool off. I pulled my arm out of the sleeve of my sweatshirt for more ventilation, leaving my sports bra slightly exposed. In the mirror in front of me I saw Jeongin turn a shade of crimson and choke on whatever he was drinking in his cup, Felix beside him starting to let out a broken chuckle. I hear my phone begin to ring and I jog to answer the call fom Lilith when I pick up I can hear the white sound from being in a vehicle,”Y/Nnie? Can you hear me?”

“Yes, love, what’s up?” I play with the end of my sleeve on my sweatshirt, a habit I’ve never been able to break.

“All the dance studios are full at the university and I remember you telling me about the one off-campus you guys used, do you mind if practice is over there today or would we be intruding?”

“Not at all, girl, come on over- you have my location, right? Just put it in and I’ll send you the code to get in, or have someone come down to meet you.”

“Sounds good, we’ve got like five minutes left, but I’ll let you go so you can continue practicing!”

With that she hung up before I could even ask who “we” were…

I feel warmth behind me, only for it to be Hyunjin towering over me, “Chris is on his way, all the studios are full at uni and they need a bigger space.”

I let out an “uh-huh” muttering that Lilith said the same thing. Felix said that he would go down to let them in once they got here and told us that we could just continue with what we were doing. With that being said, Hyunjin decided to show me one specific part I couldn’t get down because of the way he moved his hips and it just felt unnatural. He watched me attempt to do it, and waited a couple of beats.

“Is it okay if I touch you? I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.” He asked.

I nod, “Hyun, I don’t think there is anything you could do at this point that would make me uncomfortable…unless it was kissing, that’s a different story and we know what happened the last time you kissed a girl.”

He looked at me with a “go to hell’ look and placed his warm hands on my waist and he asked Jeongin to play the music at a specific part. Once Jeongin pressed ‘play’ Hyunjin stepped behind me, looking over my shoulder still keeping a respectful distance away from me. Once the music began to flood out of the speakers, the man behind me began to move our bodies the way we had written out. I imprinted the way my body was supposed to move in this moment into my brain, trying to remember the way my muscles pulled at my back and thighs.

I looked at my partner through the mirror and asked him if we could run it again, hoping I could finally get this one right. He agreed and I walked over to his phone, rewinding the song and pulled off the rest of my sweatshirt, discarding it in the corner. We bagan moving again, midway through I started feeling anxiety rising in me the closer we got to the part we just went over.

It didn’t take long before we were interrupted by cat-calls from none other than Lilith, with two strays in tow. Chris and Han shyly made their way to us, Han quietly introduced himself and shook my hand. Chris shook my hand and said a quick ‘hi’ before hugging Hyunjin and quickly making his way to Jeongin, greeting him like a big brother would, sitting on top of him and rubbing the top of his head.

Lilith, on the other hand, yanked me to the side, “Okay you slut, whatcha doin with the little dancey dance there? But also, not bad..”

I just shrugged, “Hyunjin and I thought it would be a great idea for me to learn the routine because he wants to make it a duet once he finishes his exam, and he was talking about putting it on his socials with the song. All about publicity, babes.”

My friend squinted her eyes at me before calling over Han, “ Han, Y/N, Y/N, Han…or Jisung, he’ll respond to either.”

“I’m not a dog, Lilith,” he turns to me, “it’s nice to finally properly meet you, we’ve heard so much about you!”

“What the hell kinda stories does she tell you guys?” I let out with a nervous chuckle.

“ Now I said nothing about- OW!” Han was interrupted by Lilith stomping her foot ontop of his.

“Shut the hell up, shortstack.” She grits out as she turns to me “but, can we see the whole thing?”

My arms cross as a shout out to Hyunjin on the other side of the studio, “Hyun, she wants to see a run through.”

Before I start the music I let out a little disclaimer, “Now, the track isn’t finished yet, we’re still touching it up, but this is the main sample of it.”

“I hope you know we wanna see you dance with him too.” Felix requests.

Suddenly I feel shy, “Felix, I don’t know…I don’t feel comf-”

“Do it! You’re too hot to not do it!” Han shouts from his little corner, “Do your little dancey dance.” He sings out.

I give in, first throwing on my sweatshirt I had discarded in the corner, finally pressing play and getting into place.

I put all my focus and energy into getting this whole thing right, wanting to prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. The last note rings out and I feel like I am dying for air…real air. I need to work on my stamina for sure. Hollers echo around us and Hyunjin embraces me in a hug, his arm lazily slung around my shoulders, “Y/Nnie, you did so good for a producer!”

“THAT’S where I know you from! Y/N, do you take Professor Kim’s Producing class block?” Han asks, running up to us.

“Yeah, have him every Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.” I inform him. From there, he gets so excited and begins asking questions.

“What row do you sit it? How come you don’t talk a lot in class? You should’ve introduced yourself to us!” This little man doesn’t stop rambling, and I already adore him for it.

Through a few chuckles I explain that I sit directly behind him and Chris, and that I actually record the class to I can take proper notes later and didn’t feel the need to talk. We all get acquainted more while Hyunjin and I take a break, laughs sounding through the room frequently- the company feels nice…feels warm. After being a part of a few side conversations, I watch how well Lilith gets along with the other four. I notice how quiet Chan was and I accidentally make eye contact with him, my face heating up slightly and I send him a reassuring wink. He blushed and a smile grows on his face, he pulls his ball cap down and looks into his lap.

“So when are we all free so that way we can have a hangout night, I’m sure since I like you two, the rest of us will get along well.” Hyunjin asks loudly, pulling my attention away from the blushing man.

Suddenly I find six pairs of eyes are on me, questioning me in silence.

———————————

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you thought!!

[thatbanditqueen]

Basic Training Chapter 7

Mad love to my alpha @whositmcwhatsit seriously your editing and feedback make this so much better. Also love and special thanks to my lovely elvis coven, @vintageshanny @ellie-24 @be-my-ally @peskybedtime @from-memphis-with-love @missmaywemeetagain @powerofelvis @be-my-ally @shakerattlescroll @lookingforrainbows and to @ab4eva for her sweetness, you were the only person to ask me about Bess on tumblr between now and the last chapter and I was like oh, I guess someone is still reading this. Which is good. Because I am still writing it. ;)

Thanks to everyone who reads this, shares, reblogs, leaves a comment or whatever. I write for myself, but I publish for community, and I don't think I could write with out your support and friendship.

Summary: Bess resigns to get over Elvis and move on, but he has other plans.

Warnings: Not much, depictions of mental illness/delusion.

WC: 6.5 K

If you need to catch up Chapter Six: Guided Missiles or the masterlist here Basic Training

Click here if you prefer to read on A03

Chapter 7: The Minefield

12:15 p.m., Friday,  April 24th, 1958

Commissioned Officer’s Mess

Army Intelligence Training Unit, Fort Hood, TX

“I thought you were applying to law school?”

Bess let her straw drop out of her mouth to meet James’ concerned stare across the mahogany table.

“Um, I changed my mind.” Her eyes dropped back to her chocolate egg cream and she paused for a moment. The sound of glasses clinking and hushed conversations reverberated through the Army Intelligence officer’s club. “I kinda dropped the ball on writing my sample essay. And,ugh, I haven't been able to focus at all on studying for the entrance exam.” Bess trailed her shoe anxiously across the burgundy carpet, she hated admitting that she had given up on lawyer school. “It’s just temporary, a temporary pause.  No, for now, I think a year or two working for the state department is the best next step. I’ve always wanted to spend time in Europe..”

“But Helsinki, Bess?” James reached over to comfort her with a hand squeeze, but she pulled loose and went back to eating her pot roast lunch.

“Finland is a stepping stone.I could be working in Berlin next summer. And Helsinki has a lot of international action. It’s right next to St. Petersburg.”

“This sudden need to go to the coldest burg in Europe wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain tall, dark soldier who’s been doing extra laps around the barracks every day, would it?”

Bess lifted her thick, white cotton napkin to obscure the blush spreading up her cheeks. “I saw that he’s had extra PT, I’ve been wondering what happened.”

“Oh? I thought for sure that was all you and your front office connections, getting back at Presley — “

“Jameson, I would never abuse my position in the Front Office for revenge. You know how basic training is. Drill sergeants use any excuse to tear you apart just so they can build you back up again. He probably was late to inspection, or maybe he tried to protest extra push ups, and now it’s marathon time everyday til he’s learned his lesson.”

“Hmmm, must be. Though I don’t feel even the teensiest twinge of sympathy for him after that stunt he pulled on you? Think it would look suspicious if he got run over by a jeep? In his barracks?” James winked at Bess/

“Ha, just say you made a wrong turn.” Bess chuckled, but her smile quickly faded into a sigh.

She speared a potato with her fork, looking at it as if it had the answer to life’s secrets like a magic eight ball. Maybe all she needed to do was turn potato over and around until it revealed her fate. Sadly, no messages turned up, and she laid it back on her plate. 

“Thing is, I knew he had other girlfriends. I just wished he’d called and canceled our plans instead of leaving me hanging to find out another way. The most humiliating way.”

“Maybe he couldn’t get away to call? Or forgot your number? Have you seen him at all?”

Bess shook her head, sipping her drink again. “Uh uh. But I’ve been avoiding him. What am I supposed to say? It hurt my feelings that you put the kibosh on our night together for a pajama party with one of your steady girlfriends?“ Her eyes met James. “But, uh, he knows my number, though. He called that Monday, after she left town. And several other times.”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know, I have Kay on switchboard duty. She has strict instructions to inform male callers that I’m not home.”

“You oughta talk to him, honey, let him have it.”

“I’d rather not, I  - I, it was, uh. The whole thing felt so icky, I never want to feel that way again. It took me back to last summer and Be. Except, this time, I’m the other woman and I know all about his girlfriend back in Memphis.” Bess put down her fork, unable to eat anymore.  “I think my picker is broken, James. I’m destined to be alone.”

“But are you supposed to be alone in Helsinki?”

“I’m actually excited to be single in Helsinki.” James raised his eyebrows. “What? The city is is pretty hip!They just hosted the Olympics. Lots of people live there from all over the world. After Berlin, it is one of the top hubs for working with the Ruskies.”

“Ok, ok, I get it, you hussy, you’ll probably be able to play patty cake with an assortment of good looking European men. I just can’t believe you are abandoning me, it’s so selfish. I’m almost ready to swear I’ll never buy another Presley record.”

“I’m not leaving because of him!” Bess huffed at the way James arched his eyebrow higher and straightened her napkin over her skirt. Aggressively. “I swear, how many times do I have to tell you, he’s just helped me get the perspective I needed. The straw that broke the camel’s back. I gotta get out of this place before I wind up like Mabel.”

 James sniffed as he motioned to the waiter. “Mabel seems happy, could be worse.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not. But you might be out of here before me. I only just sent in my application materials, you know how these civilian posts can be. If I make the first cut, I still have to do a round of phone interviews,an in-person one, a thorough background check. Why, I probably won’t head out until the summer. If I get it.”

James quirked his mouth and whistled when they stood to leave and shook his head.

“Seems like such a waste to store all your resources behind a desk. Should be out, serving our country at USO shows.”

Bess slapped James shoulder, then straightened his jacket, smoothing her hand over his medals.

“Jameson, stop. Do you talk to the debutantes back in Rhode Island like this? You know, half the officers in here are probably my father’s spies. Keep whistling at me like that, they’ll convince him we’re an item.” She grabbed her purse and put her gloves back on. “Besides, I am not exactly the type who likes performing or attention.:

He looked her over once again, making an exaggerated show of appreciation for the way that Bess’ smart tweed pencil skirt hugged her hips.

“Oh, but that’s what makes you such a knockout, Bessie Girl. Why don’t we get married, huh? We could travel the world together, life would never be boring. We’d have great looking, smart kids.”

Bess put her finger to James’ lips, looking into the hazel eyes that glimmered below his perfectly coiffed honey blonde hair.

“I wish I could. I can’t marry someone I don’t love, not in the way I love you anyway.It’s no good, we’d end up ruining our friendship.”

James slid his arm through Bess’ as he led them out of the officer’s club. “I suppose you’re right, Schwartz, but if you ever get desperate and want to be married to a dashing officer who’d never leave you for another woman, the offer stands.”

“This is no time to be getting married, Jameson. I’m sure you’ll want to enjoy the local flavor in Heidelberg.”

“Hmm, yeah, no matter the gene pool, it’s gotta be better than this dump.”

Bess smoothed her hair once they were outside and turned to James. He looked so handsome in his dashing officer’s uniform, cap under his arm. He was probably the best looking, wealthiest man to ever propose to her, even in jest. She really would miss him once they left Fort Hood. Bess gripped James arm tighter before they parted, and smiled.

“No kidding, I can’t wait to put Fort Hood and Elvis and everything in my rear view mirror. Get a fresh start in gorgeous, romantic Helsinki-town, city of dreams.”

“I thought that was Paris?”

“Nope, pretty sure it’s Helsinki.  Though I understand why you’re confused, Helsinki is the Paris of the Baltic Sea.”

“No one calls it that.”

“Sure they do, I’m starting it now.”

James smiled, fixing his uniform cap back on his head. “Ha, ok. Well, as they say in Helsinki, au revoir.”

*********************************************

Bess’ fresh start suddenly seemed a million miles away when she glimpsed Elvis Presley running round the base. It had only taken a few minutes after she got into her father’s Oldsmobile before she recognized Elvis’ tall, perspiring figure jogging around the circular track behind the PX. There he was, in his sweat-soaked tee-shirt, dog tags jingling over his chest, running towards them in the dusk of sunset. 

It struck her for a moment how odd it was for the drill sergeants to have him do laps out here on the road near the gate instead of closer to the 37th tank division. They must be making a public example of him, she thought, having him do laps out here as people drive past on a main road out of the base. 

It was working, he looked absolutely miserable and exhausted. The cold grimace he had fixed on his face pulled on Bess’ heartstrings, and she felt a compulsory urge to go comfort him. But then she remembered why she’d cut him loose, and nodded to herself, reaffirming how wise she was protecting herself from further heartache. It wasn’t easy. 

She got so captivated watching him take off his cap and wipe his forehead as they got closer, that she suddenly realized he was about to run by her car and had to quickly duck down flat against the bench seat to avoid being seen.

“Ilsa, whatever are you doing?”

Bess popped up with a squeak, looking over her shoulder at Elvis’ figure running away behind them, then stuttered to her father. “I, um, I dropped my lipstick on the floor is all, Papa.” 

Dinner was pleasant enough. Mama served tuna noodle casserole and followed it with a cherry cream cheese jello mold. It was comforting to Bess to think these were recipes any other family on the block might be eating tonight. Though she doubted whether the other mothers were wearing a matching red dress and explaining the deep meaning behind the color red, and how powerful color it is, one that can provide all the strength and nourishment they needed. Bess did concede that cherry Jell-O tasted like what she thought the color red might taste like. 

And if a lecture on the spiritual nature of red Jell-o was the most occult Mama got tonight, then tonight was a good night. 

After eating, Bess changed into a more comfortable, simple light blue house dress, and was trying to calculate how long it had been since Mama had one of her episodes as she walked downstairs, when she heard Kay on the phone.

“Well, no Rex, I guess I’m not doing anything. Well, sure, gee whiz, yeah, I know a few friends who’d flip their lids at the chance. You bet, meet you there at 8!”

Bess turned the corner at the bottom of the landing, and gripped the polished circular handrail as Kay spun around with a wide, beaming grin. Her sister halted suddenly and tripped forward with a gasp when she caught Bess’s stare.

“Was that Elvis’ bunk mate, Rex?”

Kay gulped. “Mhmmm, I did like you told me, and said you - you weren’t home.”

Bess crossed her arms. “So what, now you’re going out with them?”

“Well, I - he - I heard Elvis tell him to invite me and any other friends to meet them at the movie theatre on post. It’s, it’s, not a date, it’s a group-like thing.”

Bess took a deep sigh. Miles Davis wafted out from behind the closed door of their father’s office at the back of the house, and she could hear her mother doing the dishes. Bess had come down to help clean up, and had planned to spend her Friday evening at home. She thought she might read or watch TV, play a game of gin rummy with Mama. Anything to take her mind off of Elvis. And now here her sister was, running out to go meet him!

“I cannot believe he invited you out.”

“And why is that? You’re not the only charming, good looking girl around here, Bess.”

“That’s not what I was saying, Kay. What kind of guy invites out the sister of a girl - a girl - a girl he’d been riding around with? You aren’t seriously thinking of going? What about Dickie?”

“It’s not like that. Cuz,  - it’s - it’s not a date. Why, they’re getting a gang together. Rex said I should bring some other girls. I’m about to call Carol and Tracy. If you think I’m gonna deprive them of the chance to meet Elvis Presley, you got another thing coming. Why, you always keep him all to yourself.” Kay huffed, and put her hands on her hips. “It’s not a date. You could come if you wanted, you know.”

Bess squeezed her hands into tight fists, squelching her sudden intense desire to slap her sister.

“You know exactly why I won’t be doing that, I told you how things went with him and you are smart enough to know he is probably doing this to upset me. And you’re helping him! My own sister. Kay Brutus Schwartz.”

Kay’s face fell, and she met Bess in the middle of the hallway. “It’s not like that at all. Please don’t be mad, Bess, but me and my friends, we have all his albums. You can’t hold it against me for wanting to go. It’s not like I asked, he - ” 

Bess brushed Kay’s hand from her shoulder and stomped off in a huff, her anger powered her through an incredibly fast cleaning session in the kitchen.

Mama dried the last plate Bess handed her, then put her arms around Bess at the sink. “See, Bessie baby, all that red Jell-o gave you the energy and focus you needed. I’ll get you some red silk underwear for your new job, I saw some in the Montgomery Ward catalog. Or were they red flannel long johns? Well, you’ll need both in Helsinki.” 

*********************************************

Bess had frowned as Kay traipsed out the door to meet her friends when Carol pulled up in her mother’s yellow DeSoto. At first she took her book upstairs and sat at the window, watching for Kay’s return around 10 p.m. 

By 10:30, she had moved to the porch, where she sat up on the bench hugging her knees and trying to read while she waited to catch her sister and pump her for information outside where their parents wouldn’t hear them. 

Yawning, she was just straightening the bows on her white house slippers when she turned to see a car pulling up in front of the house. But this was not Carol’s mother’s yellow DeSoto. It was a white Cadillac. And she made the mistake of looking up long enough to note the row of guys in the back seat and make eye contact with Elvis as he parked.

Fuck, Bess muttered to herself staring back into her book, unable to focus her eyes on any of the words. In her periphery, she watched Elvis jump out and race around the front of his car, loosely putting his arm around a giddy, smiling Kay as he walked her up the path to the front porch. 

Bess took a deep breath, accepting that there was nothing she could do, that she was stuck out here with her hair in a messy bun wearing a house dress and slippers. So, she braced herself and stood to confront the most famous man in the world. 

The cool night air was no comfort to the heated temper rising in her chest as Elvis walked up the stairs in front of her, his fingers now spread over Kay’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed, and a smirk played over his face.

“Hellooooo there Bess, ain’t you sweet, coming out here to greet me.”

“Hmmmm.” Bess nodded, curtly, exhaling at Kay’s sheepish grin.

“Well, I enjoyed our date tonight, Kitty Kat, didju?” He gave Kay’s shoulder a rub and Kay laughed nervously at his nickname, glancing back at Bess as she untangled herself from Elvis’ grip.

“Oh, well, it was a gas to meet you and the whole gang,” Kay made a show of waving at the car, “Tell Rex thanks for the Coke and candy.”

Elvis ran his hand through his hair.“Uh, well, I wudda bought you all the Cokes you wanted, I just -”

Bess interrupted him. “Let me guess, you forgot your wallet?”

 “Yeah, guess that’s happened before.” Elvis chuckled. 

“Ahem, Kitty Kat is it?” Bess raised her eyes at her sister. “Probably time you were in bed, little girl. I have a few words I need to have with your date, here.”

Kay coughed and avoided Bess’ intense look of death as she thanked Elvis for a fun night. He grabbed her hand, making eye contact with Bess over Kay’s shoulder and he hugged her sister and gave her a soft peck on the cheek. Kay hung in his embrace for several beats, then scuttled away to leave Elvis with Bess’s cool stare

“You have some nerve.”

Elvis took a step toward her, “Aw, Bess, now see, when you act like this it makes me think you still like me.”

“Is that ri-ight?” Her voice wavered as he took a step toward her with his shoulders back, head forward, rubbing the back of his neck. She stumbled back a few steps, distracted by the way his eyes pierced her from under his eyebrows.

“See, you actin’ like ya jealous, honey. But you ain’t playin’ fair.“

“Really. I don’t play fair?”

“Uh uh.” Now he was hovering over her, backing her into the front of the house, his lower lip hanging open as he leaned over her. “You play hot one day, then cool the next. Won’t take my calls, but now ya jealous. Playin’ games s’what it is, and I can’t stand chicks who play games.”

“Ha!” Bess had meant her declaration to be a lot more forceful than how it came out as a muffled breath into the dark, red fisherman’s sweater Elvis was wearing. Of course! Of course his sweater was red. It sucked all Bess’ strength right out of her. And her resolve. She tried for dear life to hang on to the painful embarrassment that had punched her in the gut when she met Anita.

“You’re - you’re - you had - you’re the one who -”

Elvis’ hand was at her waist, and his thumb pressed over her belly button.

“Sshhh. I know, I missed our date.”

Bess mumbled toward her shoes. “Well, I wouldn’t call a party in a cheap motel room a date by any me-“

Elvis’ pursed his lips in a grin as he brought his other hand to Bess’ cheek, his eyes gleaming as she shivered in him. He tilted her chin to meet his eyes. Bess tried to shake him off, but couldn’t, she was spellbound by the pair of dark blue eyes above her. 

She reminded herself that there was an audience of grown men watching them from his back seat. Then she thought she saw the curtain at the front window ripple and realized Kay was probably leaning against the wall inside, spying on them. She thought about how Elvis had invited her sister out, at the very least to get her attention, or at worst, to make her jealous. She thought about how she had sworn to her best friend hours ago that she never wanted to see Elvis Presley again. She tried to grasp at all these things and more as Elvis stepped closer to her, and shifted his arm over her against the wall. But suddenly thinking was very difficult. Elvis’ thumb circled the button at the waist of her cotton house dress.

“OK, ok,well, when you say it like that, sounds awful. Definitely weren’t no date. Still, Kitty Kat told me how upset you’ve been. And I know I shudda called you.” Elvis took a deep breath, and coughed. “ And, well, that gal came down and surprised the hell outta me, is what happened. I didn’t invite her, now that’s the god’s honest truth. But, well, put me in an awful bind and I couldn’t get away to call you. Wudda much rather spent the weekend with you, Moo Moo.”

His breath was warm on her neck, and the way he murmured her nickname was like a sultry saxophone solo. Bess closed her eyes as it rolled over her body, giving her goosebumps. His whisper was full of vulnerable need and Bess couldn’t believe that she actually felt bad for him, as if she were to blame for everything.

“I - I - I’m sorry.”

“Nah, honey, I reckon, if I’m honest with ma self,  you have every right to be sore at me. But you havta give a man the chance to defend hisself. Tell me now, don’t a man deserve a chance to splain?”

There was his thumb, gliding over the front of her stomach, rubbing back and forth.

“Really, I wasn’t trying to play games.”

“I know, Moo Moo. I know’d you weren’t really like that, else I wouldn’t be here.” He leaned in, pressing his open lips to the corner of her jaw, soft and delicate as he continued his whispers. “Though I don’t know if I could stay away even if you were the devil, baby. Ain’t been able to stop thinking about you.” His mouth was warm on her neck. “You, and only you.”

His touch sent a wave of feverish heat through her body, and Bess didn’t care if he was lying, all she knew was that she would willingly go back to his motel room with him right now in her flimsy white house slippers and all. However, before she could make that suggestion, she heard the front door open and she jumped up instantly, pushing Elvis away at the sight of her father’s silhouette in the dim porch light.

“Elizabeth, it’s cold out tonight. Why don’t you invite your guest inside?”

Bess swallowed hard, glancing up at Elvis, whose cool demeanor and friendly smile belied the fingers she could see tapping against his thigh through his pocket. She looked out at the car, then up at the dark sky, shaking her head to herself.

“ Hi Papa, this is, uh - ”

Elvis stood up straight and jerked his hand out as he strode to shake her father’s hand.

“Uh, good evening, Sir, I’m Elvis, Elvis Presley.”

“Yes, I’ve been expecting to meet you for some time now.” Bess’ mouth dropped open. Before she could find the words to protest, her father was putting his arm around Elvis and guiding him inside. “I understand you and Ilsa have been spending a lot of time together, jah?”

*********************************************

“Can I pour you a whiskey?” The table lamp flickered as Bess’ father walked by, his calm words trailed behind him on his way to the bar. 

Elvis sat at the edge of the couch patting his hand to a silent rhythm and then bouncing up again to pace over to the hi-fi set.

“Naw, jus a Pepsi - or a Big Red, honey.” Bess glared at him as he looked up at her from where he perched in front of the record player. “Bessie. I mean, Eliz-a-bess.”

Bess frowned as Elvis popped open the concealed door in the sound system’s speakers and proceeded to rifle through her father’s LP collection. Her father arched his eyebrow, muttering in German that the boy seemed to know his way around and feel quite at home, jah? Bess was asking Rex and Lamar what they wanted when Mama floated into the living room, swaying the skirt of her red dress back and forth, a dreamy look in her face. Bess froze, looking around the room, then scuttling over to her mother and latching her arm around Mama’s waist, whispering in her ear.

“Mama - Hi Mama, I thought you went upstairs to relax?”

The boys all stood up as Mama patted Bess on the shoulder. “Bess, you’re making the lamps all buzzy, stop buzzing around and introduce me to your friends.”

Bess sighed and then froze when Elvis walked over and took her mother’s hand, kissing the top.

“Evening, ma’am, I’m Elvis, Elvis Presley, s’a pleasure to meet you, I can see where your daughters get their good looks from, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

Mama giggled and blushed. “Ha, well, you are charming. The faeries told me Bessie had a new beau, but they didn’t say he was handsome.” Bess’ face went white as she tried to guide her mother to the big orange leather chair in the corner, but Mama swatted her hands away. “Bess, I said to quit fussin’. Go get our guests something to drink.”

Every cell in Bess’ body was on high alert, and she rubbed at her throat trying quell the nauseous, tight feeling that now plagued her stomach. Bess had not brought Ben, her former fiancee, home to meet her family until he had asked her to marry him. At that point, they had already been going steady for two months, she had trusted Ben completely and had given him a thorough debriefing on Mama and the family dynamics. She had known Elvis a month. ANd spent the last two weeks hating him.

Elvis returned her mother’s hand and flashed Bess a warm, crooked reassuring smile. Rex and Lamar gathered next to him making their awkward introductions, before Papa walked over and offered Mama his hand, tilting his head at Kay. 

“Come sit with me, Emily, let the boys relax. Katherine, you get the drinks.”

Bess followed Kay into the hall. “I’ll get it, Kay, I -uh - I was gonna make Mama a special cup of tea - “

“I got it, I know how to do it. You go back in there.” Kay winked, and left Bess to sigh as she took a deep breath and resigned herself to face whatever was waiting for her in the living room.

Elvis sat on the edge of the couch trying to stop his knee from bopping up and down with the palm of his hand, already in conversation with Bess’ father.

“Jah, I started off in the German division, but now I oversee all intelligence training.”

Elvis’ eyes widened and he seemed grateful to see Bess walk back into the room and hit Lamar to clear the seat next to him on the couch. Bess shook her head and sat at the piano bench, trying to think of how to change the subject.

“Papa, I imagine the boys are tired after a long week and - “

“Oh Bessie, don’t send them away!” Mama waved her off as she got up and happily plopped into the clear spot next to Lamar, shooting Bess a playful frown. “You never bring friends over any more, it’s a breath of fresh air having young people over. Want any leftover tuna noodle casserole?”

A momentary grimace passed over Elvis’ face as he declined, and Bess' father coughed.

“Too bad we don’t have any meatloaf, perhaps zat would have suited you better.”

“Actually, mister, I’m bout plumb fed up with meatloaf, EP’s been ordering - “ Lamar stopped talking at the sight of Elvis’ eyebrow, arched in warning. 

“Well, Bess makes a great meatloaf, you boys will have to come back for dinner sometime. I’ll get her to cook it up for you.” Mama bowed her head with certainty as she spoke, turning Elvis’ hand over in her lap as if to read his fortune. “Elvis, such an unusual name. What does it mean?”

“Ugh, well, ma’am.” Elvis scooted back against the arm rest, turning in to face Bess’ mother more directly. “I have been told it means someone who is uh, very wise.” He winked over at Bess as she rolled her eyes. Kay returned, and she bounced up to assist in handing out the drinks. 

“I’ve never heard the name Elvis before tonight, is it common where you’re from?”

Lamar gasped. “You never heard ‘a Elvis?”

“No, why, should I? Do you all work with Henry in Intel?” 

Elvis shook his head. “No, no ma’am, Rexadus here and I, well, we’re new recruits, and Lamar right here is jus’ a ole friend of mine, visiting.”

Mama smiled big. “Oh, well, if you think I would have heard of you from Bess, you have another thing coming. She’s a sphinx, that one, never tells me anything about anything.I have to get all my gossip from the wind.”

“Elvis is a famous performer, mama. They’re surprised you’ve never heard of him because he is on the radio. And the movies.”

“Oh, is that true? Would I know any of your music?”

Just then, the phone in Papa’s office began to ring and he stood up to excuse himself, muttering in German that he would hardly call it music. Bess exhaled a chuckle at the curious look on Elvis’ face. 

“I’m guessing that weren’t a rousin’ endorsement from ya daddy,huh ?”

She shook her head, and Mama clucked.

“Oh, Henry didn’t get enough red food tonight, don’t mind him. You know, you’re not the first song and dance man I’ve met. When I was a girl - “

“-I met Eddie Cantor when he sang at Zeyde’s theatre on Coney Island.” Bess and Kay exclaimed in unison with a grin.

Bess relaxed as the room filled with warm laughter and she almost felt like they were a normal family, teasing and chiding each other as they entertained guests.

“Oy, well, it’s true, you boys have heard of Eddie Cantor, haven’t you?” Mama grinned at their nods, and took it as her cue to keep talking between sips of tea. “Well, I was just a kid when he was first making it big in New York. And my father had this vaudeville theater, and we met all sorts of acts working their way up the circuit. Baby Rose Marie, Bert WIlliams, Jimmy Durante, and, of course, a lot of nobodies trying to be somebodies. Eddie was probably the most successful guy to come through our place. Boy, was he handsome! Tall, dark hair, those big gorgeous eyes, like two rounds of chocolate.”

“Mama, zey ton nisht veln tsu hern vegn deyn shule meydl krashiz.”

“Oh, Bess thinks I shouldn’t share these things. She thinks I’m an old lady, that I don’t have blood pulsing in my veins. But I’ve always appreciated a good looking man.” Mama patted Elvis' knee. “Still do.” Then all of a sudden she swayed into Elvis' shoulder, her eyelids fluttering before she slumped on his shoulder.

“Ma’am? Ya ok? I’ve had girls swoon before, though they usually heard a me.”

Bess jumped up and looked over at her sister. “How much did you put in her tea, Kay?”

“Just a tablespoon.”

“It’s supposed to be a teaspoon!” Bess growled through clenched teeth as she felt her mother’s pulse, and tried to unfurl her mother’s arm from around Elvis’ shoulder.

“I’ll take her up - “

“Aw, honey - s’ok, want me to - “

“ - Well, it was an easy mistake.” Kay hovered behind Bess, and stomped her foot.

Mama’s eyelids fluttered back open for a moment and she looked up into Elvis' face. “You know, you have a beautiful aura, Alvis, I can tell you are a good person - Bess, if you don’t marry him, I will.” 

Bess gulped, and looked at Kay. “Help me get her up the stairs?”

Before they could do anything, Elvis lifted Mama and nodded at Bess. “Jus lead the way, ‘k Bess honey? Boys, y’all go on out to the car, and we’ll get outta ya hair ‘fore you say lickety splickety.” 

Lamar sighed with relief and could not get through the hallway fast enough, almost knocking the telephone off the little desk as he passed. Rex, however, hung back, gathering up the bottles of pop and taking them to the kitchen behind Kay, looking back to nod at Elvis in a silent offer to help. Elvis shook his head and followed Bess up the stairs.

“Alright, now, Mrs. Schwartz, ma’am, ya gonna be snug as a bug in a rug, jus you wait.”

Elvis set Mama down in her bed carefully, gently taking her hands and placing them at her sides. Mama opened her eyes and trailed her fingers over the sharp edge of Elvis' crew cut, smiling dreamily as she asked “Almond” if he would marry her.

“Ya so sweet and beautiful, I would, I would  if I could, ma’am.”

Tears welled up behind Bess’ eyes as she watched the tender way Elvis kissed her mother’s cheek and squeezed her hand before she passed out. They exchanged a long look, and Bess blushed.

“I’m sorry you had to see all this, I’m so embarrassed. You didn’t have to stay and help me - “

Elvis rubbed her shoulder. “Honey, I wanted to help, I like helping folks. Ain’t nuthin to be shamed of. Really Moo Moo, wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to. An getting to spend my night with the prettiest lil gal in town, why, that’s just the icing on the cake.” His face scrunched into a big grin as he held her, and bess nodded into the comfy wook of his red sweater.

Elvis stood in the doorway, watching curiously as Bess took off her mother’s shoes and tucked her under the large, homemade victory quilt that they had sewn from old clothes during the war. It was the only blanket Mama would sleep with, and for Bess, it evoked that time in her childhood when Papa was overseas doing things he couldn’t talk about and Mama was the strongest woman she could imagine. 

Now, as she looked down at her mother and smoothed hair out of her face, it was Mama who resembled a little girl, finally relaxed and at ease as she started to snore. Her sleeping face free from the cares and mysteries of the world. Bess kissed her mother on the forehead, and turned to find Elvis waiting for her in the doorway. His blue eyes seemed to penetrate her soul, as his thumb rubbed the side of her shoulder.

“Holdin’ it all together, ain’t ya Moo Moo. I see you. I really do.” 

Bess shuddered at his touch, wiping the side of her eyes.

“I, um, I. Well, you caught us on a bad night, Almond.”

He chuckled, drawing her into his arms and kissing the top of her forehead.

“Nah, ain’t nothing bad about anything.” The sides of his crinkled as he smirked. “Almond, huh. maybe ya mama there is on to sumpin. Might sell more records and movie tickets if I changed my name to Almond instead. Tell you what, wudda made it harder for the Army to find me.”

“Yes.” She took his hand and led him back down the stairs.”Though you would have missed out on your freel vacation here at beautiful Fort Hood.” 

They were back on her porch, and Elvis was clasping her hand tight. He looked out at the darkness, and at his car on the street, then over the garden, before turning back to hover over Bess, hands resting at her waist.

“Wudda missed out on meeting you, honey. Ya my silver lining. Tonight, being here with you, I know it now for certain that fate brought us together.”

Bess turned her head to listen to the crickets, wondering if they had any advice on how to defy fate. Especially when fate distracted you from all common sense by nuzzling your forehead. 

“Elvis - I - “

His lips were at her ear as he drew her closer. “Aw, Moo Moo, I cain’t bear to think I made you cry. I mean it.” His thumbs rolled up and down Bess’ sides. ”I promise, ain’t ever let that happen again. I swear. Cuz I need ya, honey, been thinking ‘bout you all the time.”

Bess couldn’t resist the way his eyes lit up with hopeful vulnerability, it made her feel like she was the one who had wronged him by withdrawing her company from him. 

“I  - I think about you too.” She cupped his cheek. “I’ve seen you doing laps every evening, are you doing okay?”

Elvis huffed and pinched her side. “Oh, yeah, you know me. Every morning, those drill sergeants find a reason to be cross at me, makin’ me do extra PT. But ain’t nothin I can’t handle.”

Bess nodded. Then Elvis’ hands tightened all the way around her, constricting her so tight she almost couldn’t breath, before parting with a soft, chaste farewell kiss and a vague promise to call her the next day.

Bess was humming to herself as she turned off the porch light and locked the door behind her, stopping short when she saw her father come out of his office.

“Everything ok, Papa?’

“Jah, jah. That was just the secure line, a call from D.C.” He straightened his sweater, coughing as he took in the dim quiet of their house. “Ze hound dog has run off, I take it?”

“He’s not so bad, you know.” Bess shifted and looked at her feet, unable to stop the smile at the corner of her mouth. “The drill sergeants have really had it out for him this last week. He’s been running extra PT and they put him on latrine duty. Must have pissed off the wrong person.”

Bess stopped talking, noticing that her father’s face had soured into a tight grimace. She had probably been right not to tell her parents that she had been seeing Elvis. This would be tough, now there was nothing she could do now.

“Jah, that boy did piss off the wrong person. Me. You would be wise to cut your ties with him, Elizabeth, he does not respect women. And you have a bright future ahead of you. I might expect Katherine to be dazzled by this flash of Memphis. But you are too smart for all that. I would hate to see you lose focus on your goals to run around with a boy who brings his hoochie coochie girlfriends to town and flaunts them in your face.” 

Bess was silent as her father pursed his lips, nodding, then said good night. She listened to the sound of his footsteps as he walked up stairs, her mind racing as she tried to figure out how he had found out about Elvis. About the debacle with Anita. About all of it. 

The disappointment she had seen in her father’s eyes crushed her, and Bess tossed and turned in her bed all night trying to figure out how she could make him understand that she could have fun and still go after her goals. It was the thought of Elvis’ long thumbs caressing her body that finally calmed her down. The memory of his touch was like her own personal dose of benzodiazepine, it made her forget all her problems and give herself over to the sandman.

********************************************************************

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[astrolaurical]

RM’S CHAOTIC LOVE LIFE ANALYZED IN SONG LYRICS

This is all alleged and speculation. No relationships are proven true until confirmed by the idols themselves or their agencies. Do not take this personally or too seriously. This is just an extreme over-analysis of song lyrics and observations I have made about idol interactions from years of being a K-Pop fan.  This is a work in progress- RM has like a million songs and I am constantly going back and rediscovering new meaning in lyrics and adding to the song list. So buckle up, get a snack and a drink because I basically typed an 12 page thesis.

Indigo track-by-track analyses link

Favorite Girl (2012)- girl broke up with him over a letter in the winter

Thinkin Bout U- mentions red converse high girl

Coffee (2013)-bitter over breakup bc became idol?

Blanket kick (2014)- keep being/acting embarrassing around crush/gf and admits a lot of songs about her- possibly about yerin?

Miss right (2014)- maybe about yerin? possibly about wishing to be in ideal relationship but can’t bc idol

Where did you come from (2014)-superficial love 

Boy in luv (2014)- unrequited love and changing oneself to try to get her affections

Danger (2014)-unaffectionate/uncaring gf not putting her all in the relationship

Intro:what am I to you (2014)-relationship started out too intense so gf put up barriers and shut bf out

Converse high (2015), converse high (predebut) -song that I believe is about yerin from 15&

Run (2015)- giving your all to someone who doesn’t appreciate it

Hold me tight (2015)-knows breakup is about to occur but wants to rekindle feelings from beginning of relationship

I NEED U (2015)- how because of this girl, they are becoming ruined and they want out of the relationship. However, they cannot bring themselves to leave and begs her to break it off for him. They are going through hell because of this relationship yet they keep coming back.

Autumn leaves (2016)- refusing to move on from breakup

Love is not over (2016)-refusing to move on from breakup where girl clearly didn’t love him/ she was toying with him or realized that hookups don’t satisfy them bc only last the night and person only theirs when they are physically in the bed

Blood sweat tears (2016)- addicted to sex with someone

Dilemma (2016)- gf feeling like stranger as she becomes distant but rm still refuses to let go bc he loves her

13430 (2018)-galactic ode to lovers whose bond dwindles, eventually breaking aloof.

Fake love (2018)- “I’m so sick of this fake love” Pretty self explanatory. The same message will be repealed in “Her” and “Closer”.

Her (2018)- the person they are in love with doesn't know the real them, only the mask they put on

Truth untold (2018)- It speaks of the singer putting on a mask to see the one that they love. They create a facade to hide behind so the object of their affection doesn’t see their broken and damaged side. They are afraid that their love will leave them because of their hidden side. They have a love, but it is fake love because they aren’t being real and so because they did not have the courage to show their love their real self, they left. They are left sitting in their ruined dream reminiscing about what would’ve happened if things turned out differently.

Im fine (2018)- a little self growth yay! Went from “save me” to “I’m fine”

Euphoria (2018)- happiness associated with young love and new beginnings. There are some underlying tones of feelings of how their love is fake and not based on attraction

Waste it on Me (2018)- a hopeless and hopeful love affair. While one side of the relationship labels the concept of love as a waste, the other strongly advocates for the pursuit.

Jamais Vu (2019)- can never do right by gf so want another chance

Crying over you (2019)- breakup but each person is mature enough to let go of each other and sending wishes that their ex would find a better person whom perfectly fit for them.

TOMORROW X TOGETHER - 0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You) (2021)- apparently RM had part in writing this song. He must have been loved up in his couple ring era because this song screams honeymoon stage. Clearly it didn't last based on the angry songs in this list that came afterward.

Young Love (2022)- We don’t know which of the members this viewpoint is about, so I will include this song just to be safe

SEXY NUKIM (2022)- you know the part I’m referring to… Girl you can keep it low While we do the ride I'll apply you tonight Ain't gotta DM 'Cause you heard about my team”

Closer (2022)- Namjoon, man. Will you ever learn your lesson?! You can’t replace sex with love! And you know it too. You’ve written like 20 songs about this very thing.

Change pt. 2 (2022)- MANS HEXED HIS EX LMAOOO. I WOULD BE SCARED SHITLESS.  “SOMEDAY A GREAT GRIEF WILL DO COME FOR YOU AND THEN YOULL KNOW IT TOO THATS ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU. YOU CANT LOVE SOMEONE LIKE I DO”

Smoke Sprite (2022)- Honey, what you doin' in my bed? Yeah, Uh, baby, welcome to my favorite place, yes→ RM said 2022 IS THE YEAR I LET EVERYONE KNOW IM NOT A VIRGIN

Dont ever say love me (2023)- “I wanna die when youre next to me” like man wants to breakup so bad because even when youre around him you give him the ick

WHO ARE THE SONGS ABOUT?

ANONYMOUS PRE-DEBUT CITIZEN

RM admitted to having a girlfriend in highschool during a 2015 episode of Problematic Men. He said it was a short-lived relationship because she had too many male friends and was causing him to be jealous. Speaking of 2015, notice how the other men are rushing him to try and slip up and admit that he is dating? Or admit that he would write a letter to a sweetheart? That goes into my theory about Yerin below, with the timelines matching up in 2015. RM is notoriously TOO honest and his Problematic Men hyungs knew it, with Namjoon probably gushing about his girlfriend at after-taping 회식, and were wanting him to slip up and spill on air. RM finally admitted that he would write a song for his crush on White Day (cough cough Converse High cough cough).

YERIN

While BTS has never had a confirmed partner since debut, Baek Yerin is the only rumored girlfriend RM has had tabloids write about. Yerin is the only one of the three women I’m the most confident about in this analysis that he has had a relationship with. I am fairly certain that RM has a crush on Hwasa, and that Chaeyoung has a crush on RM.

Yerin’s entire 2019 album “Every letter I sent you.” seems to be a reflection of the passionate love (and toxic) affair her and Namjoon had when they were around ages 18/19-20/21. It could be possible they dated even as early as when Namjoon was 16 if his earlier unreleased love songs are about her, as well. That’s highly unlikely, as Yerin is the same age as Jungkook, 3 years younger than Namjoon. 

Her songs often mention tons of sex, drunken nights, smoking, and fights. This sounds highly out of character for Namjoon (minus the sex and a little bit of drinking). There are rumors that some BTS members smoked, though it’s not confirmed who they are and if they still do. (Edit: Taehyung was officially confirmed to have smoked after pictures of him smoking at the 2022 Grammys were leaked. There were also numerous other occasions where he was holding a vape in his hand, but nothing as big as this “Grammys smoking scandal” went as viral. Jungkook is also confirmed to smoke after his vape was revealed in a Weverse live. Suga alludes to him being a constant smoker in his song “Haegeum”, and he does hold that cigarette like a seasoned pro… but the cig reference was mainly a call out to overprotective fans who think they they can tell other people what they can do with their bodies.)

They most likely had a karmic relationship- an intense but PAINFUL relationship that will rip you out and spit you out. Every hidden side of you is revealed through sex and intimacy, but it is so intense, that you cannot be with the person forever but you feed off of each other’s brokenness. I’m sure if you asked them about what they learned from that relationship, they would say they learned SO MUCH about life, love, and self.

It (allegedly) definitely seems like Namjoon broke up with her around 2015-2016 after the success of I NEED U, when BTS became busier and he had less time to spend with her. From the timeline of BTS songs, I would place their relationship anywhere from 2012-2015. While he was heartbroken for YEARS after this (see the above listed songs, the longest list off all 3 lyrics lists), he has now come to terms with it. It seems like Yerin has come to terms with it as well, as this blog post breaks down each song meaning beautifully. It seems like Yerin has found a box of diaries or love letters from this relationship and has written songs in chronological order of the entire timeline, from beginning to end, with the last song talking about her getting closure with viewing the memories and how the two were not meant to be.

Yerin states that “This album reflects memories, dilemmas, and thought processes I had from when I was nineteen to twenty three.” She is currently 24 years old Korean age (23 years old standard age at the time that I wrote this in 2020, she would be 26 years old in 2023 now). This would put the beginning of the album at 19 years old in 2014 to 23 years in 2018. The timeline does match.

Maybe its not our fault (2019)- how partners in relationship slowly started to drift apart

0310- sex cant save a relationship

It’s like I dont know myself (2017)- the more he probes the more she loses herself and him

Meant to Be (2019)- about namjoon 100000% id bet my life on it. Him saying they’re meant to be, he’s kind. 

Across the Universe (2015)- hes slipping away but shes clinging to him

Mr. Gloomy (2019)- talking about how hes so melancholy and loves rainy days (Namjoon forever rain)

Bye Bye My Blue (2016)- becoming resentful of Namjoon’s growing fame while her career is stagnant

“Cuz I’m afraid to say things I want to say. I push you away and make things uncomfortable”

CAN I BE U (2019)- most likely a response to I NEED U

His Ocean (2016)- NJ trying to get a deep connection but Yerin resisting. Namjoon also has a fascination with oceans and always mentions it in lyrics.

“I'm not good at emptying my heart. It's not as easy as it sounds. But why do you keep asking me to do something I can't? There's a lot that has built up in my heart. I can't get rid of it and I'm always frustrated”

Amy (2019)- apologizing for the hardships she put him through in the relationship and admitting she buys all their albums and that their Love Yourself campaign has helped her (allegedly)

Popo (2019) - saying how intoxicated she is with the man (his eyes, his scent, his voice). If the song is about NJ, I mean, same girl. The man in the song wrote her a song and played it for her.

“You'll never know How much your voice attracts me, boy. It's exceptional Especially When you're playing the song for me. I can't take my eyes away”

Datoom (2019)- Reflecting on how much they argued before they broke up

Not a girl (2019) - seoulbeats (linked above) sums up this song perfectly: “Yerin wanting to speak up for herself against a lover who doesn’t seem to truly be for her. There lies a misunderstanding between who he attempts to see her as, versus who she believes she truly is.”

“Can’t be what you want. I can’t be what you were. I can’t say I have done so many things but now. Can’t be good enough”

Newsong2 (2019)- "Want to be just like you once. Make it up if I do wrong. Ignore and leave the silence". Make up and brush it under the rug.

Point (2019)- insecure partner in love keeps questioning her love

London (2019)-partner is trying to idealize her and is not seeing her for who she is

HWASA

It does seem that Namjoon has a thing for Cancers, if my and others’ speculations about his dating life are true. Both Yerin and Hwasa are Cancer suns. While Namjoon’s Cancer Mars is in his 8th house and plays a predominant role in his life and relationships, it is clear to see why he is drawn to Cancer sun individuals. But remember, the 8th house is death and rebirth. Karmic relationships.

Hwasa and Namjoon do have a lot of similarities, from not only looking similar (face, tan, thicc), but to being criticized by fans and media alike (tan, ignorance. RM has apologized and grown from his mistakes. Still waiting on Hwasa’s genuine apology since she continues to appropriate… and do blackface). Both are also highly sexual beings.

While the man in her songs has characteristics that sound a lot like him, so do many other anonymous citizens of Seoul like Hwasa stated. She makes her ex sound like he was available whenever to come and see her, and RM being part of the biggest boy group on the planet doesn’t have much free time, even though his personality is very empathetic and giving. The only reason I included her is because a lot of other people seem to think there was something going on between the two, whether it was a FWB situation or brief one-month romance. I will admit I do not keep up with Mamamoo or Hwasa at all so these are the only songs I know by her. I have heard rumors that she has been in a steady relationship with a man like 10 years older than her and is in a prominent position, like a ceo or something? All alleged, of course. You can never really trust that stuff.

Twit (2019)- how Hwasa wants her lover to not be so passive, loving, and predictable, but take charge and surprise her. This song seems the most likely of Hwasa’s songs to be about NJ because Yerin and BTS’s songs about exes have mentioned the man giving so much of himself into the relationship that he loses himself. Hwasa fans speculate that Twit may be about Loco, as he was VERY chivalrous and swooned over her every time they worked together.

“You give me a lot, but why are you the only one feeling unhappy? Because you breathe only for me. You look so lonely”

Why (2020)- missing her ex, most likely the lover from Twit

“You're my hero. We have many similarities, like a mirror”

Kidding (2020)- sarcastic remarks to a cheating ex and his new lover. Not quite sure if this is about Namjoon because his natal chart doesn’t really have any aspects linking to cheating, but natal charts aren’t the end-all-be-all. Everyone still has free will, and he very well may have cheated.

“Of course you must have been busy. You two falling in love. It’s an old thing that’s thrown out after one use. You’re going to regret it soon. Isn’t it so ironic?”

CHAEYOUNG

Another slightly uncomfortable pattern in all of these alleged “exes” is that RM likes to date younger women, as every single “ex-girlfriend” listed here is younger than him. Namjoon was born in 1994, Hwasa in 1995, Yerin in 1997…. and Chaeyoung in 1999. Namjoon… dude. Chaeyoung is a Taurus, which vibes well with his Virgo sun. Namjoon also has his descendant in Taurus, which is what he looks for in a marriage partner. I don’t have any of the girls’ birth times, but standard 1200 time all results in negative match scores, showing that the majority of Namjoon and each individual girl’s natal chart did not sync well for a compatible match.

Whenever there are multiple fan videos of idol ships, take notice. Weed out the delusional ones but pay attention to ones that seem plausible after researching the K-Pop industry and how idols get away with dating. Idols have confirmed that looking at each other is a form of flirting when at award shows. And there are plenty of clips of RM and Chaeyoung doing just that. Chaeyoung has written her own rap lyrics but mostly it is about a crush and then immediately to heartbreak, so clearly the relationship didn’t last long. The song timelines from crush (2016) to regret (2018) show a brief interlude of happiness and touching (2017). My guess is that after pursuing RM for quite some time, he gave in and hooked up with her, but she wanted more and got her heart broken.

Precious Love (2016)- apologizing and asking scorned ex to come back

“I’m so sorry. Please come back. Do you still feel the same? Have you still not forgiven me? Have the scars I’ve given you Not healed yet? Or have you replaced me With someone else? Is there no place for me In your heart anymore?”

Daring Woman (2016)- she’s young but stop pushing her away

Eye Eye Eyes (2017)- describing a crush she has on someone. Mentions white tee shirt and jeans that he likes, possible reference to converse high

“Ocean-like eyes, I’ll swim in them. Yeah yeah yeah. Everyone knows his pretty eye-smile. I want it to myself. Yeah yeah yeah. Your heart is ice I’ll melt you” and “Do men like White shirt with jeans and most importantly long hair”

Missing U (2017) -ex promised her the world then broke her heart. A recurring theme throughout all 3 girl’s lyrics, hmmmm maybe the ex in Namjoon’s songs isn’t the problem, then?

“You promised me And I foolishly believed. But when you left, you had no guilt. But still I miss you. Miss you baby”

Sweet Talker (2018)- I have a very tiny suspicion this might be about more than one BTS member since Jeonghyeon was involved in the writing process. RM is known for choosing his words carefully, being a smooth talker when it comes to flirting and being a poetic genius.

“You seduced me with your sweet words. You made my heart beat with your clear eyes” and “Your words were as clear as the sky. Your words had no feelings”

The only confirmed relationship I know that Chae was in was with that scumbag tattoo artist that drew those lewd drawings of Chae giving him head and posted it for the world to see and she got so much hate because of it. Thank goodness they’re not together anymore.

This is where I had last stopped in my draft. It says the last edit was December 6, 2020 lmao. So some things I had previously said I may disagree with now but I'm leaving up as I like to see how my thoughts have changed over the years. For example, I now do not think that Chaeyoung or RM ever dated, and that she just had an extreme crush on him. I mean, girl same. Yerin I still believe 100% dated him as she broke formal speech on TELEVISION and called him a pet name. The only reason that wasn't a bigger deal is that both were unknown artists back in 2015. Hwasa, I am on the fence about. I see more reaction videos of Taehyung being the ass man that he is lusting over her than RM. I wouldn't let my buddy thirst over my girl but RM is pretty chill about it. Granted they are in public and being filmed, but even if he did talk to Tae about it, V still did it over and over. Weird, no? So that is why i lean more towards that Hwasa and RM probably didnt officially date, but maybe were just fuck buddies?

Now onto RM’s love life that DID make news:

COUPLES RING

I really wish I had kept a better timeline of him wearing that ring, sigh. The only things I can really find online of him wearing that ring started the whole “namjoon married” ordeal were around September 2020 when that infamous video of him taking it off before going on air surfaced, making it look hella suspicious. I definitely remember him wearing that ring for maybe the entirety of Dynamite promotions? The Dynamite era went from August 25, 2020- December 3, 2021 according to BTS Wiki. This was like peak COVID time and I was an essential worker so I admittedly wasn’t keeping up with BTS that closely and instead was just trying to make it through the day. He was talking about having kids a lot during this time too, and that one live of him showing off the baby shoes did not help his case that he is already married with kids. Namjoon did seem to get in on the joke though by trolling us and posting that photo of him and a little girl with her face covered.

There were also terrible rumors going around during this time that he was gay. Namjoon clearly has a very close guy friend and likes to take pictures with said best friend to preserve memories. To respect his non-famous friend’s privacy, he puts emojis over their face on the photos. Some of the emojis were hearts. Thus the shipping and speculation began. RM eventually stopped posting photos with this friend at all and then deleted all of them.

FIANCEE

June 24, 2022… the day when all Namjoon stans had a heart attack. News broke that he was engaged. So those couple ring photos must be true, we all thought. But alas! HYBE released a statement saying “RM’s marriage rumors are not true. We are currently taking swift action against malicious rumors started on YouTube.” Namjoon himself even posted on his instagram story saying “I don’t know her.” All is well, right? Then Indigo was released… and Namjoon really meant it when he said “I don’t know her.”

It is my belief that Namjoon really was engaged to be married to the person whom he shared couple rings with and who was the lockscreen on his phone. But, based on the lyrics from his songs in the Indigo album, we know that the relationship did not end well. Based on the lyrics in “Closer” and “Change pt. 2”, it seems like she broke his heart by either 1) cheating or 2) putting up emotional barriers and saying she didn’t have feelings for him. I will dissect all songs from the Indigo album in full in a separate masterlist and will link to it here.

According to the Sojang video posted on June 23, 2022, RM’s chaebol “fiancee” was going around bragging about being engaged to the idol. Once word got out about this, they had a huge fight about how she was just using him for his fame and not for his personality. This is where I kind of believe Sojang may have sources that are true. The BTS members have had tons of fake dating rumors and have never felt the need to personally respond and always just let their company handle it. Around this time, Jungkook was being “attacked” by Sojang for fake dating rumors as well and he never responded. But Namjoon decided to go to his personal instagram and type “I don’t know her” which could be viewed in two ways: he really has never met the person Sojang is claiming he was engaged to… or he never really knew the TRUE person who he was engaged to, only the mask they wore. And we all know that Namjoon loves being petty, passive aggressive, and cryptic… even more so when it comes to his exes apparently if his songs are anything to go by. He is straight up hexing his ex at the end of “Change pt. 2”.... The breakup has definitely scarred him. While I think he has been working on healing and that the Indigo album has helped tremendously, I do think that Namjoon is now way more reluctant to love than he once was. He has even said so himself on The Dictionary of Useless Human Knowledge that he used to see himself getting married (hmmm… I bet you did), but now he is unsure if he ever will. His long letter to ARMY recently on Weverse gives me hope that he will find love again when he is ready, and he admits so himself in that letter that he won’t go searching for it but will let divine timing take place and let the chips fall where they may.

[wjehfshs]

Reader who is very sweet and kind, his vibe is " :D ", he is so happy that everyone likes him even valeria, secretly gets special treatment from everyone but doesnt realize it. Also goes along with anything, you just casual lift him up and take him away when he was having a conversation? Ok! Plans change at the last second? Sure, doesnt bother him. Bakes and crochets during his free time and gives the things he created to the people in base. Loved by everyone, everyone also loves him. (Baby of the group, and babied by the group)

Thank you for reading this, take your time, rest if you need to♡

Omg just :D reader

Hyper happy reader, a lot of COD MW/MW2 characters and COD Ghosts characters are in this don’t ask why, even Valeria likes reader, oblivious reader, fluff, platonic, male reader, readers babied and compared to a fairy at some point

On the field you where like any other soldier

But off the field you where the definition of confetti as a person

Everyone just felt this need to protect you

They knew you could take care of yourself but they couldn’t help it

Valeria and Alejandro would regularly argue over who got to pamper you that day

“Ah [name]! I was wondering if you wanted me to run you a bath?”

“Don’t listen to him he would do it right, it would be gross and cold. Let me do it for you!”

For the next 15 minutes they argued in Spanish over who got to run the bath for you

God even Graves loved you

You where the only one who was allowed to cuddle with Ghost and play with his hair

König would let you climb him (maybe or maybe not inspired by another one of my fics lmao)

The thing is you didn’t even realise how much everyone loved you

You knew they loved you, and you loved them but you never knew the extent of it

Normally people would just sit wherever they could during their meals but you had a saved seat

“Leave room for [names] seat”

“Is that seat taken?” “Yeah [name] is sitting there” “what? But he’s in the shooting range?” “[name]. Sits. There”

Keegan would let you use him for piggy back rides

If you wanted you could bother Price all day in his office and he would be more than happy to let you ramble on

Hesh would let you paint different patterns on his face each time he had to go out on a mission

Stars, hearts, stripes, dots, whatever he didn’t care if you pained it on he was wearing it

If someone was mean to you Roach would sign to them, chewing them out for being rude to you, his hands where going so fast you couldn’t even read them

You and Soap where a chaotic duo

Screaming, running around, laughing, and doing stupid shit

Once you where talking to König in a crowded situation, he was starting to get stressed out so he just picked you up, threw you over his shoulder, and walked off with you

You didn’t even stop talking, it was like you didn’t even notice you where now basically 7 ft in the air on a man’s shoulders

Gaz would send you a stupid amount of Tik Toks daily, you would always watch them and get excited

Once for Christmas you went out of your way to knit scarfs for everyone. Like quite literally EVERYONE. You explained you spent the past year on this project

Some of them started crying with how sweet you where

On multiple occasions you would just be in a chair knitting something random

You also crochet most of your own accessories and clothes

“Ah this is so pretty [name]!” Farah told you, feeling the fabric of your crocheted beanie “May I please have one? I’d love to match with you!” She asked

You happily agreed, ecstatic to start the new project

You skipped away to grab your materials happily

You also loved to bake things for people

When it was Soaps birthday you made a cake for him, decorated with sugar flowers and leaves

It was so cute

Everyone was hesitant to eat it because they didn’t want to ruin it

They opted for all taking like 50+ photos each

You where literally a fairy in their eyes

[infiniteeight8]

Ironstrange: outsider POV, like a gossip blog or fangirls (positive spin preferred).

If the way I describe this fan group seems a little dated, that’s because the last time I was active in a fan group (in the sense of daily discussions and events and such; I’ve never stopped reading and writing) was eight years ago and I was old fashioned even then. So just assume this OC is like me—she stuck with what she knew and liked and there were, happily, people who felt the same.

This may start out feeling a bit iffy on the spin, but I promise it’s going a good way.

It’s also over 700 words and I still feel like I didn’t quite get a solid outsider POV going. I like it, I just don’t know if it got the feeling that I love in Outsider POV fics when I read them. 

-

Daria has been running the Iron Man Forever fan page since the beginning. 15 years of following Iron Man’s adventures, organizing meetups, and squeeing over new developments in Tony Stark’s life. Iron Man Forever survived the schism prompted by Tony getting together with Pepper Potts, and it survived The Snap, and it survived the schism prompted by Tony and Pepper’s divorce. After coming through all of that, if not intact, then at least still active and proud, Daria is determined that it’ll survive Tony’s new relationship with Doctor Strange, too.

Admittedly, this one is starting rougher than the others. There’s a disappointingly substantial group of fans who seem to have forgotten that Tony has always been bisexual, and that getting married didn’t change that. Daria and her moderators have already had to ban a bunch of bigots.

Personally, Daria hasn’t decided where she falls on the Strange Situation yet. She’s always thought that the best relationships were complementary, where the people involved bring different strengths to the table. Doctor Strange seems… Well, as far as Daria can tell from a fan’s distance, he’s a lot like Tony.

She’s in her favorite coffee shop, fortifying herself with a brownie and some hot chocolate before diving into the moderation queue for the site’s discussion board, when Tony Stark and Stephen Strange walk in the door.

Daria’s mouth drops open so far that a bite of brownie actually falls out. Quickly closing her mouth and wiping it with a napkin, she can’t help staring. Everyone else is also staring. This is not Tony Stark’s usual neighborhood. Is it Doctor Strange’s? It doesn’t seem likely, given all the staring. Daria prays fiercely that everyone here will be chill about it. If some idiot runs them off…

There’s no way Tony and Strange have failed to notice the reaction to their entrance, but they pretend they don’t, instead joining the end of the line like they’re any other customers. After one more frozen moment, conversations and activity in the shop start up again, if maybe a bit more muted than before. Daria drops her gaze to her laptop, but the screen doesn’t register; she’s straining her ears for their conversation.

“We are taught, rather stringently, that relics aren’t to be used frivolously,” Strange is saying. 

“Okay, but the Cloak isn’t any old relic, are they?” Tony says. “They think for themselves.”

“Yes,” Strange confirms. “Athough not all mystics would agree.”

Daria swallows an exclamation and makes a note to contact Sean over at Dedicated Doctor Strange. They probably have all kinds of theories about the Cloak, and here she’s getting confirmation directly from the source!

“Wait, really?” The two of them pause briefly to order from the barista working the line. “Isn’t it kind of obvious? I mean, I’ve seen the Cloak arguing with you.”

Strange chuckles. “The Cloak doesn’t suffer fools. They rejected several partners before me. Even the Ancient One called them fickle. I suspect it’s easier to pretend there’s some metaphysical incompatibility than to admit that it just didn’t like them.”

“Fickle,” Tony snorts derisively. Daria risks looking up and catches Tony and Strange exchanging a look that’s… Well, it’s got a lot of layers. Warmth, understanding, amusement, pain. Somehow, despite The Snap, they have history. 

Tony continues after they’ve stepped aside to wait for their order. “All I’m saying is, it’s not frivolous to go flying with a friend. Ask them sometime; maybe they’d have fun.”

Strange makes a thoughtful noise. “You make a good point,” he says. He pauses and Daria looks over again. Tony is watching the barista work, but Strange is looking at Tony, his expression almost soft. “Would you like to come with us?”

Tony looks over at that, obviously surprised. “You’d want me to?”

“Yes,” Strange says. “Assuming you don’t mind slowing down for us.”

Tony smiles. “Never,” he promises. 

The barista calls their names. Tony carries both drinks to the condiment station and doctors both cups. When he’s secured the lids, he hands one to Doctor Strange. It shakes visibly in Strange’s hand, but with the lid on, nothing spills. Daria looks down again, somehow embarrassed at looking even though neither of them had seemed to think twice about the small accommodation.

“Well, then,” Strange says, settling a hand in the small of Tony’s back as they weave their way through tables to the exit, “it’s a date.”

When they’re safely gone, Daria has to cover her mouth with both hands to stifle the squee. She knows exactly where she falls on the Strange Situation now.

[the-fiction-witch]

Movie

Media - The Artful Dodger AU Character - Jack Dawkins Couple - Jack X Reader Reader - Y/n Rating - 15 Word Count - 2719

Jack and Y/n were both fresh out of med school doing their first placement together at the small local hospital in the town of Port Victory. The hospital gave them a small room to share in the attic with two beds, a bathroom, and a small kitchenette. They were both pretty used to each other at this point after so long being friends and roommates. Jack yawned a little as he got changed out of his scrubs. rubbing his neck a little and cracking his back given he'd been in surgery all day assisting Professor McGregor,

The door of the room suddenly burst open making him jump. But it was only Y/n.

Y/n rushed in still in her own scrubs from being in the ward all morning, glasses on her nose and her ice coffee cup in her hand.

Jack turned around and sighed. crossing his arms and watching as she came in, "Ever heard of knocking, eh, Y/n?"

"I have tea." She said as she came in setting her cup on the counter,

Jack raised an eyebrow for a moment before walking over to the counter, and looking into her cup of coffee, "You call that tea? It's just a load of rubbish and ice. and it's not even tea. it's coffee." he teased for a moment, knowing full well she didn't mean tea. or maybe she did. he would have preferred tea.

she flicked his nose playfully "Tea! On the Marcy situation" she said bringing back the memories of the many conversations they'd had about a local girl named Marcy who was often seeing the midwife,

he nodded, rubbing his now red nose for a moment in a playful manor before crossing his arms across his chest again "What about it?" he asked, sitting down on the edge of his bed and crossing his legs, looking up at her

Y/n began to change out of her scrubs not really caring she was doing it Infront of jack, the two long since use to each other enough they didn't really care anymore "So, as we know she is now on pregnancy four baby six. And apparently baby six has a different daddy to both babies one and two, and babies four and five but might still potentially be daddy of baby three."

jack chuckled a little "so baby six has a different dad than all the other children. and possibly even a different one from baby three. good god, that woman gets around"

"and apparently! The daddys of babies four and five and one and two and brothers!"

jack looked at her with wide eyes for a moment before he started to laugh a little, resting his hand over his mouth "you've got to be bloody kidding me, right. those poor children won't even know who's their real family when they grow up. Y/n, do you know who it is that fathered baby three?"

"supposedly it was Rodger milklin but he's her cousin... So I'm really hoping that's a rumour" she said as she finished getting changed into her little dress and letting loose her hair from the bun it has been in all day

Jack thought for a moment, sighing and leaning back "oh god. I am praying to god that is a rumour too. but knowing her, it's probably true.. she always had a thing for Rodger"

"gross." She said coming to sit on his bed "whatcha do today?"

Jack shrugged a little, "eh. nothing too interesting. I spent the whole morning in Surgery on an emergency appendix removal with professor McGregor. you?"

"helped the midwife for a bit, wrapped some wounds, delivered some drugs all the busy work while you were off having fun."

Jack rolled his eyes a little at her last comment, shaking his head. giving her a playful glare "oh yeah, that was absolutely so much fun. getting blood and guts all over your scrubs while removing a burst appendix from a 65 year old man with high blood pressure. very much fun."

"yeah and I had to tell someone they can't give there baby a cup of nightquil to help them sleep."

Jack laughed a little, leaning back against the wall "Alright. you win. I'd much rather remove an appendix than have to tell someone that nightquil isn't for babies.."

"Thank you" she smiled leaning back with her head on his lap "what do you wanna do tonight?"

Jack looked down at her and smiled, watching as she laid her head in his lap. he sighed, running a hand through her hair gently "I don't know. what do you want to do?"

she shurgged "Sneeds on call tonight so we're all good... You wanna go anywhere?"

Jack shrugged and smiled a little, gently running his fingers through her hair. he really did think she was pretty, but he'd never say that to her "we could always go into town? get a drink at the pub? or if you want we could stay in and watch a movie"

"movie sounds better. I don't like the pub everyone there is old and drunk and ask me gross questions."

"yeah, old men are always trying to flirt with you there.. they all need to find out you're off the market"

"it's cause people see woman in medicine and immediately think nurse. And not like cool busy life saving nurse. Like Halloween costume jerk you under the blankets kinda nurse." She sighed "I can't even wear scrub dresses anymore cause people just pinch my ass. Which sucks cause they are so cute" she explained but then looked at him "off the market? Am I a house?"

Jack chuckled at her statement, leaning back against the wall again "yeah yeah yeah I know what you mean. and by off the market I mean you're not single. I'm making sure all the old men know that you're not a free agent" he continued to play with her hair gently, watching her as she laid down "you should still wear the scrubs though. those dresses really do look good on you... even if people are gonna pinch your ass"

"you just say that so you can do it" she chuckled

Jack gasped jokingly, faking an offended expression "me? I would never do such a thing. I would never even dare to think about it"

she raised an eyebrow at him "you slap my ass every time you walk past me"

"what can I say, I can't control myself when there's a pretty girl walking in front of me all the time, plus sometimes I need you to move and it's the best way to get you to step out the way just give you a little pat on the butt,"

she rolled her eyes "so? Movie? Snacks? Take away?"

"yeah yeah yeah, film, snacks and takeaway sounds perfect. you pick the movie I'll get the snacks"

she immediately whined that he moved and laid on his bed pouting "no... Bring the lap back."

Jack laughed as she immediately started pouting, he sat down nextist to her and gently laid her head in his lap again "you're very needy, you know that?"

she hummed happily and ignored his comment

Jack chuckled again, shaking his head a little as he started playing with her hair again "such a little brat"

"popcorn... Gummy worms... Chocolate... Crisp." She explained sleepily

Jack laughed again and nodded, gently ruffling her hair before slowly moving out from under her head "alright, I'll go get the snacks. get the movie onto the Tv, Princess"

she whined again

Jack laughed as she whined again. he gently swatted her with a pillow "oh quit complaining. I'll be right back"

she tossed the pillow back to him

Jack chuckled as he caught the pillow with one hand, watching as she tossed it back to him. he then smiled, throwing the pillow back at her jokingly "quit it, or I won't bring you any snacks"

"Fine."

Jack laughed again and stood up, ruffling her hair one more time before heading to the door "I'll be back soon. pick a good movie, eh?"

she got to her feet and straightened her dress giving him a playful punch in the arm before she went to set the TV up

Jack smiled at her as she got up, rubbing his arm as she punched him gently in the arm. he chuckled for a moment before leaving the room to go get the snacks. Jack headed down and left the hospital though the normal entry way. And popped to the local shop just down the street grabbing a whole bunch of their usual go to snacks. When he returned Y/n has set up the small TV on the counter and fixed up jack's bed with pillows and blankets so they could get cosy and watch the movie

"Hey." She smiled from the bed already with her back against the wall, a blanket over her legs,

Jack chuckled as he looked over at the TV, smiling when her saw how she'd made up his bed for them. it was nice to see her making it comfy for the two of them. he walked into the room, holding up the big bag of snacks as he closed the door. "I'm back, princess"

"Welcome back." She chuckled patting the space for him

Jack chuckled and sat down on the bed next to her, setting the snacks on the bedside table and kicking his shoes off "I see you've made us all very cosy"

"very cosy." She smiled taking her drink "I picked walle as the movie"

Jack smiled, grabbing a couple of snacks before getting comfortable in the bed next to her, gently resting his head against the wall and watching the Tv "Perfect choice. I love that movie"

she smiled putting the movie on and turning off the lights so they could cosy up tucking the blankets around them

Jack smiled as she turned the lights off, he then wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her body in closer to his. he was only doing it because it was colder with the lights off obviously.

she softly smiled resting her head on his shoulder to share the warmth together tucking the blankets around them as they got cosy and comfy with the popcorn in his lap

Jack smiled as she laid her head on his shoulder, wrapping his arm around her a little tighter as she laid her body closer to his. he loved being close to her like this, even if it was just for the warmth. he couldn't deny that she was adorable when she cuddled into him like this. he also couldn't deny the fact that he really wanted to just lean down and kiss her forehead

they sat together watching the movie sharing their snacks as it goes on.

Y/n began to smile widely when the robots fell in love and started acting really cute. She cooed a little and found herself glancing up at jack secretly

Jack smiled as he watched the movie with her, he had to admit, there was something adorable about the robots falling in love and them being all cute. he glanced down at her when he noticed her smiling so much and looking up at him. he smirked a little, trying so hard not to say how cute she looked

her eyes seemed fixed on him for a moment as the sounds of the movies soundtrack continued. Before without warning she sat up and pressed her lips to his. She meant to only do a quick peck but ended up staying kissing him for a good five seconds before she pulled back

Jack let out a noise of surprise as she kissed him but couldn't deny that he liked the feeling of her lips on his. he had completely forgotten they were watching the movie and had just enjoyed the feeling of her lips against his own. he was shocked when she pulled back so quickly, his lips chasing hers as if asking for more.

"Sorry I uhh-"

Jack didn't let her apologise, he immediately pressed his lips up against hers again in a kiss. this time a lot more passionate than the last, as he gently ran his hands through her hair. he had wanted to kiss her for so long and god he wasn't about to let her apologise for it Jack pulled her body closer to his, his hands moving down to her waist as he continued kissing her. He couldn't deny how much he had wanted to do this for so long, how much he had wanted her. he loved feeling her body against his and god her lips on his felt so perfect

Y/n pulled back to catch her breath leaning he forehead on his "...damn..." She gasped

Jack panted hard as she pulled away, he leaned his forehead against hers and chuckled a little as she gasped breathlessly, his arms still around her waist "god. you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that"

"how long?" She chuckled

"since the first time I met you," Jack chuckled again, gently rubbing the skin where his hands were resting on her hips

"me too" she softly smiled

Jack smiled as she admitted she felt the same, it made his heart flutter hearing her say that. he gently caressed her hips with his thumbs and chuckled "you have no idea how hard it's been to not kiss you all this time you know"

"I think I have an idea." She nodded blushing a little "we are pretty awful it took us this long"

Jack chuckled as she blushed, gently cupping her face in both hands once again "I suppose we are both pretty awful. especially since I've wanted you since I first saw you in that little nurses uniform on your first day. nearly drove me wild"

she softly Giggled "yeah?"

Jack chuckled watching her giggle, gently running his thumbs across her cheeks "yeah. and the way you bite your bottom lip when you're focused. god, you have no idea how much I've wanted to bite it myself"

she giggled again "... I'm surprised you didn't know. Maybe you do sleep like the dead you haven't heard me in the shower every morning naming the showerhead after you" she giggled

Jack eyes widen at the mention of her naming the showerhead after him, his brain instantly imagining it. he chuckled and chuckled, raising an eyebrow at her "is that so? well isn't that interesting" Jack chuckled as he pulled her body a little closer to his and smirked, his voice a little lower "I didn't know that, princess. and I like the sound of it. but you know, calling my name doesn't need to just be in the shower"

"yeah?"

Jack smiled and chuckled again, he gently pulled her body to his more, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling so she was sitting on his lap, her legs either side of his. he looked her up and down for a moment, his mind running wild with the thoughts of what he wanted to do with her "yeah... can call my name anytime, anywhere"

she giggled and happily pulled him back to kiss her

Jack happily let her pull him to kiss her again, his hands grasping at her hips as they kissed, pulling her closer to him. god he couldn't get enough of how her lips felt against his, he had wanted this for so long. he slowly began to kiss her neck, his lips moved down her neck and to her collar bone, gently placing kisses and light bites to wherever he could. she tasted so good and her body was pressed so close to his it drove him insane, he moved his hands down to her thighs, gently rubbing them through the material of her dress as he continued to kiss and bite her skin, he absolutely loved how her body felt in his hands

"jack ... Jack..." She gasped

hearing her gasp and moan his name sent jolts of electricity through his body, he wanted to hear her say his name over and over again. he smiled against her skin and began to bite harder, his hands squeezing at thighs

"jack!" She chuckled stopping him a moment "we should... Probably you know... Turn off the Disney movie."

Jack chuckled against her skin at the mention of the movie, he'd completely forgotten that the movie was even still playing. he pulled back from her neck for a moment and gently cupped her face in his hands, looking into her eyes "yeah yeah yeah, we probably should turn that off, shouldn't we princess… we have much more important things to do."

[mlove44lh]

Don’t hurt yourself

Chapter 1 - Intuition

Masterlist

Prologue

Warnings: Mention of possible cheating, mention of relationship neglect

Words: 2.372

“I tried to make a home out of you, but doors lead to trap doors, a stairway leads to nothing. Unknown women wander the hallways at night. Where do you go when you go quiet?

It's a cold day, the heater is on, and I’m wearing more layers than necessary, but I’m still getting goosebumps. I might even start chattering my teeth if I gave in to what I'm feeling. But I don't think it's just because of the cold, It's less than 8 degrees outside, but the heater is doing a good job here.

I haven't looked at her in a few minutes, I sit in the chair by the window, and the only view I have is the bustle of the city below me.

“The view of Monaco from this window is beautiful. It's a great location.” I remember that was the first thing I noticed when I stepped here for the first time five years ago.

“Y/n…” The woman stares at me while sitting in her armchair in the middle of the large room. “Why are you avoiding this matter?”

“I'm not avoiding it.” I still don't look at her.

“I think you are. You ran away from me as soon as I mentioned his name. And it's been 10 minutes that you don't even look at me.”

I take a deep breath before taking my stare off Monaco and back to her.

“What do you want me to say?”

“We don't need to talk about it. But every matter we start leads us back to him. Did you notice that?” I can barely look at her. Susan always calmed me down, and that's the reason I started doing the sessions with her. I always enjoyed our conversations. But not today, today I just want this to be over so I can get away from here.

“As it should, he is a very important part of my life.”

“Of course, he's your husband. He is the person quoted by you in every session of ours. But not in the last month.” She wears a friendly half smile, and her hands are resting on top of her crossed legs. She doesn't have her notebook today, which is unusual, but it doesn't bother me, I never like to see her taking notes regarding what I say here anyway.

“Y/n…”

Another 15 minutes and I'm out of here.

“What happened in the last month?”

Her voice comes out almost like I'm underwater. My thoughts are so loud that I can't focus on anything else. I need a few seconds to understand what she just asked me.

A humorless laugh seeps from my vocal cords.

Where could I start? For the part where he completely changed in such a short time? Of how overnight, Lewis was someone else? A cold person, who stopped calling, stopped with the flowers, with all the caress, with the dozens of “I love you” said every day? That I don't look like a wife anymore but more like a roommate? Or maybe I should talk about the times he came home at four in the morning and woke me up when he was almost inside me, desperate for some relief, desperate to release whatever God knows who put it in him? From the reclined car seat or the cheap feminine perfume impregnated in the seat belt. Which of these things should I open up and tell her about now? And how do I do that without feeling like an idiot, without the huge guilt monster that's inside of me creeping out again?

I shrug as I feel my throat burn with the painful memories of the last few weeks.

“Maybe I'm just too insecure. Or dramatic. Or both.” I don't talk to her anymore. My spoken words are more like external thoughts.

Susan doesn't say anything, she looks at me as she waits, and the silence makes me want to talk more and open up.

“He's in one of the worst moments of his career. There's too much going through his head, I know that. I can't freak out thinking he's having an affair just because he is distant, right? It doesn't make any sense. I can't be that cunt.”

“Do you think he's having an affair?”

“No. That's the point. He wouldn't do that. He's too good to do that.”

Susan shifts her position and leans towards me. Her gaze doesn't stray from mine for even a second.

“The real Lewis wouldn't do that or the Lewis you created in your head wouldn't do that?”

I look at her and the confusion is clear on my face.

“What?”

“Don't you think that maybe you put more into him than he gave you? That you created a version of him that doesn't really exist?” My heart is pounding like it's going to jump out of my chest at any second. I want to look away from her, but I can't. I need her to finish her reasoning. I don't want her to think I'm not ready to hear this, so I keep still as I wait for her to continue.

“You've always tended to romanticize things, which is understandable with everything you've been through. But maybe that led you to believe in some things that were almost not there while letting other important things pass right under your nose unnoticed.” Now it's my turn to lean to her. “You told me once that you always dreamed with a fairy tale, and that when he appeared, it showed you that it was all real, with butterflies in your stomach and vows of eternal love, everything as in your biggest dream. You fell head over heels in love with Lewis. So I ask you Y/n, which one wouldn't do that to you? The real Lewis or the one in your imagination?”

I try to assimilate what was said and play her words over and over in my head. For the first few seconds, it sounded almost like a joke, it was so ridiculous. But the tightness in my chest got bigger, and suddenly some things started to make sense.

“Think about it this week.” Susan gets up and walks slowly to the door.

That's the cue, my cue to get up, thank her for the session, and leave this room. But I can't move, I'm still sitting in the chair staring at the Buddha-shaped figurine that rests on her coffee table as if it's going to come to life and tell me what I need to do.

“Y/n.” I feel Susan's hand on my shoulder, and I come out of my trance. I turn to face her. “I didn't mean to say that what you live is a lie. But sometimes we do this kind of thing. We intensify what we feel and put a lot of feelings into things without even realizing it, so we can convince ourselves that something we really want is really happening. But that doesn't take away the shine and beauty of any of it. It doesn't take away the fact that everything you feel is real to you. For everything you tell me here, I'm sure you have a beautiful life with him, and that kind of thing doesn't go away. My job here is just to try to show you the things that are clear around you, what you're going to do with it, no one can tell you. Because no one would know how.”

I continue to look at the woman in front of me for some time. Trying to assimilate everything.

“We're done for today, okay? It was all very intense, and anything we talk about now won't have any effect anymore.” I nodded to her. “I'm going out to take a break, but you can take as long as you want here, Y/n. Take your time. Everything is fine.”

“Thank you.”

I watch Susan leave the room behind me, and as soon as the door slams, I'm back facing the city. I could stay here for hours, but I know I have to move and face what is waiting for me.

I don't even know how long I've been looking out the window, I'm only taken out of my trance when I hear the notification noise coming from my phone. I check the device quickly before getting up and grabbing my purse.

“I'm waiting for you down here ;)”

All the way to the outside of the big building, I feel weak, and numb as if my movements are being commanded by someone else. A thousand worries in my head, until my stare met his. Even though he is the biggest cause of all the chaos in my life at the moment, at the same time, he manages to remain my biggest font of calm.

“You didn't tell me you'd come to pick me up.” We are already very close to each other. There is no need for me to try to get closer because Lewis does not take a second to pull me closer to him.

Lewis join our lips in a quick kiss, and that shocked me. It's been a while since he last showed any interest.

“Where did that come from?”

“Can't I have missed my wife?” I feel uncertain, and I know it shows on my face, he barely looked at me in the morning, and now he acts this way. It is an unfair and single-player game. “I saw that you left your car in the garage, so I deduced that you could use a ride.”

We live two blocks away from here.

I've been walking back for five years now. It's almost like part of my therapy walking down the beach to get home on the way back.

I wish I didn't feel like something was very wrong, but I can't. After these last few days, everything he does sounds suspicious to me. And living that is like a living hell.

I push away any negative thoughts and smile at him. He seals our lips quickly before opening the passenger door. I settle back and take a deep breath before facing him again, who's now sitting next to me.

He's too good to do that.

Not a second after he turns on the car, Lewis takes his hand to my thigh and squeezes it lightly. I look at him who already has his gaze glued to mine. I can't help but smile at him. He let his hand rest on top of my thigh as he takes speed with the vehicle.

“Mercedes will organize a charity dinner on Saturday.”

“Cool. Here in Monaco?” I was already expecting something like that, another day without him, I guess.

“Yes. It will be the usual boredom with investors. But it would be nice if you came with me. Are you up for it?”

I look away from the street and look back at him. There he is, the man I've been looking tirelessly for the last few weeks. All of this is so confusing that suffocates me. Change so much in just a few hours, it's almost scary. But I decide to hold on to this moment and believe that I have my husband back.

“Sure.”

Lewis smiles before removing his hand from my grip and placing it on the steering wheel. I look away from Lewis when I notice the car pull to a stop. Only then do I realize we're at a gas station.

“I'm sorry, I need to fuel up. Otherwise, I don't think we're going to be able to get home.”

“No problem.”

“Do you need something?” He says while opening the door to get out of the car.

“No. I’m good. Thank you.”

He slams the car door, and I watch his figure make his way to the inside of the convenience store.

Maybe it was just a bad phase, and as usual, I tried my best to become something about myself. Thinking about it, everything could have a good explanation.

I'm an emotional person. I tend to overstate all my feelings, and almost always this leads to a bad place, which hurts me. As the masochist that I am.

I have no reason to imagine such a thing. Lewis wouldn't do that to me. I know who I married, and I also know that we've changed and grown together long enough that we can't do that to each other.

Maybe I was too over the top to think and doubt him and my trust in him. Maybe.

I try to turn on my phone screen, but the only thing that comes up is the low battery icon.

I open the glove compartment to look for the charger cable while still looking at the device in my hand, when pulling the white wire, I hear the metal falling on the floor, and only the low sound emitted is enough to make me worry. I close the glove compartment calmly before taking my hand to the floor to pick up the object.

I can identify what it is as soon as I pick up the small object. My stomach drops. I don't remember leaving any jewelry here. I bring the piece to my vision and stare at the small bracelet in my hand. A bracelet that isn't mine.

I snap out of orbit as I stare at the object. There's nothing else around me but me, this ridiculous bracelet, and my wedding ring burning on my ring finger.

No. No. No.

He's too good to do that.

He wouldn't do that to me.

The real Lewis wouldn't do that to me.

[h-c-u]

The kids are alright pt 4

Summary: Domestic life with Iceman and your daughter

Pairing: Tom "Iceman" Kazansky x reader

W/C: ~800

Rating: PG

TWs: None

A/N: This is going to be the last part of this series for a while now, but I might come back to it in the future :) 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Masterlist | List of tags

- It's been a whole month since we brought you home, and if I'm being completely honest, I forgot that I wanted to make some homemade videos for you to watch when you grow up... Having you with us is honestly the best thing ever. Don't get me wrong, you're keeping us busy, but that's every newborn, so don't take it the wrong way. - you couldn't help but smile at the camera. You were sitting alone at your daughter's nursery while your husband was taking care of Astrea and letting you have a few moments just for yourself. - I know it sounds cheesy and corny, but I swear it's true - everyone loves you so much... Your grandparents, uncle Bradley, auntie Flo, uncle Slider, uncle Mav... I can't think of a time when we weren't alone, and you were in a crib... Everyone wants to hold you and play with you... Well, play is maybe too strong of a word just yet, but you developed a fascination with ripping paper and gods forbid if anyone leaves loose pages in your reach. - you laughed out loud. - Your tata found that out the hard way because you got your hands on some classified documents and started shredding them while he was on the phone. - you smiled, an echo of the laughter still audible in your voice.

- Anyways... I just wanted to tell you that no matter if in 15 years we'll be fighting about stupid things, or be mad as hell at each other for some reason or another, I'll still love you very much. I don't know if we'll ever watch those tapes together, or if you'll find them on your own somewhere in a closet and watch them in secret, I want you to know, that there is nothing you could do or say to change that, and even if we're at each other throats, you could still tell me what's troubling you, and I really hope that you will. - you smiled at the camera and turned it off. But after only a few seconds you turned it back off. - Oh, and if you find those tapes first, please just say "blueberries" next time we'll be talking, because we have a small bet with your dad about you being curious and a bit nosy, and I honestly want to win. And there might be ice cream and pizza for you in it if you will. Ok, that's it for now. Kocham cię... - you turned off the camera, but you still wanted to catch Astrea with Ice.

You started learning polish not long after you met Tom, and even though your accent was abysmal at times, you could carry on a conversation without much trouble, even with Tom's parents, and it was their native language. And when you were still pregnant, you two agreed to raise Astrea with both English and Polish present in her life. That's why both of you were already reading her stories in both languages and peppering in polish words while talking to her.

You quietly came down the stairs, because even though your amazing husband gave you time to rest, you preferred spending time with them.

You couldn't help but smile when you noticed what was happening in the living room. You turned the camera back on and pointed it at the two most important people in your life because they looked so adorable. Astrea was quietly napping on Tom's chest, still wrapped in a blanket you fed her in, and Tom just watched her with pure amazement and fascination painted all over his face, as if he still couldn't believe that she was actually here. 

He caught you in a corner of his eye, turned toward the camera, and gave you a giant smile. 

- Don't wake the child... She just fell asleep... - he whispered and you couldn't help but chuckle, because it just hit you how far he has grown from his callsign. You filmed them for just a few seconds longer, finally turned off the camera for good and placed it on the coffee table. You grabbed a book you were reading yesterday evening, gently moved the pillow from under Tom's head, and replaced it with your thighs. 

- Go to sleep, baby... - you leaned and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He was up almost all night working, with your daughter sleeping soundly in his arms, and you had to take over only a few times to feed her, but now... Now he could fall asleep without any worries... 

If you didn't know any better, you might have proposed that he move to the bedroom, but you knew there was nothing that would convince him to move when there was even the slightest possibility that he could wake up Astrea. So instead, you started playing with his hair with your right hand, while you were holding the book in your left. You could see his face relaxing almost instantly, and his whole body melted deeper into the sofa while you were gently massaging his scalp. 

[ahiddenpath]

Hidden's Life

Hi guys, I started writing a journal on my computer, as typing is a lot faster than pen and paper. I am sharing my first entry.

Content warning: It's about the "should I have a kid" debate, and it's way more political than what I usually post on my digimon blog. It gets into climate change, the financial and emotional cost of child rearing, and is leftist in tone. I am really struggling with this topic, and I welcome input and conversations. If you want to talk about it and we're pals on Discord, please do! I want to hear from as many people as possible.

The tone is bleak, but in a matter-of-fact way, if that makes sense?

So, I took a two week vacation. I was in Vegas for a few days for the first time, then in a cabin on a river. I’m not going to talk about that much here. Instead, I’m going to focus on life.

Whenever I have a few days off in a row with no plans (which is rare), I like to touch base with myself on where I am in life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

I will say that I’m feeling a lot more rested/restored by this vacation than I have been from my vacations over the last few years. Travel takes a ton out of me, and I’m sensitive to time zone changes and general shifts in routine. I’m surrounded by career scientists, many without children (aka people with money to travel), so it’s common to feel like I’m “missing out” or “doing it wrong” if I’m not visiting 1-3 international spots per year. It turns out that. Um. I actually really like the river cabin. Japan last year was amazing, but I came back jet lagged, exhausted, sick, and with a foot injury from power walking for 10-14 hours per day for 2 weeks. More chill domestic vacations may be the way.

But anyway, I wanted to write down my thoughts on the future.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, so pardon me if I have, but… I’ve been dating my husband since we were 14, and we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 21. For nearly two decades, whenever I asked about children, my husband would shrug and say, “Maybe someday.” This year, for the first time, his answer changed to, “I’d like one child, but I’m not sure if it’s ethical.”

As for me, I’ve never been hit with maternal desire. In my early twenties, I assumed I’d marry my now husband, have kids, and be a stay at home parent. I’m not sure… Why I thought that? Other than that I have no career ambition, and my husband was raised by a stay at home parent. It feels a bit weird to say I lack ambition when I’m a career scientist, but it’s true. I just want to get the most money with the least effort and damage to my physical and mental health. I feel, on some level, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some kind of purpose or desire, but these days… I’m beginning to understand that wanting health and happiness is an amazing goal, and that humans aren’t necessarily meant to find fulfillment from our work. It’s okay if family is your goal! It’s okay if being a hobbit is your goal (being comfy, reading books, taking walks, etc)!

I got my first job when I was 15, I had to get my mom to sign a permission form, lol. I saved all my money and invested it as best I could, which was CDs (at the time they had like a 5% return, and as a teenager I did not really understand investing- that kinda remains true). My mom warned me from early on that she had no money to help me, and my father openly gloated about not being financially responsible for me soon. Like, he’d count down and update me every now and then- only five years until you aren’t my problem anymore, girl! Four years, three, two, one. He apparently still doesn’t understand why I went no contact with him.

I’ve never been laid off or between jobs, just. Working and preparing for a future where I was financially independent since I was 15. So again I wonder. Why??? I thought I would be a stay at home parent, lol! My husband is extremely intelligent, and he graduated straight into a programming job that pays more than I will ever make, so that might have been part of it. But when I got my new job 2 years ago, my package became competitive enough that I now actually… Have a career to lose.

What I’m trying to say here is that I feel conflicted about… everything. Why am I in this job that I don’t like, but I excel at and it pays fairly (or at least, it does since the new job two years ago)? Am I going to do this until I’m in my 60s because capitalism? Do I want a kid? Shouldn’t I know if I want a kid? But then, I can barely scrape together the brain juice to decide what I want for dinner most nights, after spending 8 hrs working and 90 min commuting. Is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to figure out if I want huge life changes or not?

Financially, my husband and I are doing well. We have a house, retirement savings, and we can afford our expenses on my husband’s salary alone. Mine is called upon for things we want, like getting a working shower in the master bathroom this year and the laundry list of smaller home improvements we paid for last year. But when you have a house, there is always more to do. Our roof is probably original to the house, which is 36. If I want our fireplace to work, that will cost at least a few grand. Our heater is too small for the house; if we want to use our finished basement more, we need to replace it with an appropriately sized one.

If I quit now, it will be difficult or impossible to do those things (and by the way, I feel like wanting a correct sized heater, a working master shower, a working fireplace, and a safe roof are not, like, super bougie??? God damn shit’s expensive). (And by the way, I'm aware that HAVING these problems is a privilege, and that is INSANE to me). If I wait too much longer, I’ll be unable to deliver a healthy baby (I’m 35). But if I’m going to have a baby, just one baby, then I want to spend time with them.

Meanwhile, there’s the ethical questions. I’ve searched online for: Is it ethical to have a child during the climate crisis? Interestingly, the hits were mostly about the impact each individual human has on emissions and climate change. Listen, sure, if you really want to be conscientious about it, don’t have more than 2 kids, which keeps your family’s population steady at the micro level. But damn, don’t be guilted out of a family, a totally normal thing, while a few corporations destroy the world for profit and tell you to have fewer babies. God damn! The mythos of the individual’s impact on climate change while companies burn fossil fuels for funsies is some high level con work, holy shit.

I’m not worried about my theoretical kid’s carbon footprint. No man, I’m worried about them having access to clean water, reliable power, food, medicine, and places to live that aren’t storm riddled, underwater, on fire, etc. Oh, and clean air. People who are sensitive to air born pollutants are already dying prematurely, and have been for years. The idea that people think climate change is something you “believe in” like fucking Santa Claus is absolute insanity to me. People are already dying, my brother in Christ.

So like, do I raise and rear this child to die early or have poor quality of life starting now, and rapidly declining? True, humans have literally always faced pressures: plague, economic strife, war, the threat of nuclear fallout, etc. We have babies anyway, partially because we don’t all have education and access to reproductive care, but also because having families is just. A totally normal desire, as is not having them! Having them does have an additional biological push behind it; organisms tend to feel reproductive pressure. It’s evolution’s super fun gift (/sarcasm)! In some ways, having kids feels almost necessary, as it makes people feel hope and desire for a better future. But there must be millions of kiddos existing now, and we’re not doing much to make the world more habitable for them on a global scale.

I want to take a moment to clarify that I am not judging anyone for having children. We should be able to have families. It’s insane that we’re facing these pressures, that so little is being done about it. But as someone who does not have any yet, I find myself grappling with these questions.

So yeah. A.) I’m not sure if I want kids, and my lifestyle does not allow much time or space for reflection. B.) I’m not sure if having children is ethical in the year of our lord 2024. C.) As much as I dislike work, I’m not sure if not working is right for me, either. It’s easy to fall into mental health issues without a structured routine. D.) I have a strong desire for financial security, and it was beaten into me from as far back as I can remember. What will the loss of my income do to my mental health? E.) While we can afford our needs on my husband’s salary, relying on one income is always precarious. Layoffs are a constant threat in tech, and injury, mental health crises, and death can come for anyone. F.) When I was in therapy, my therapist specifically advised me not to stop working and rely on my spouse’s income. I know this is good advice for women, lol! Like, truly, I do get it. My therapist knows about my drive for financial security and my strong support for women. I can say, though, that in 21 years with my husband, he’s never given me reason to doubt him. Not once.

I guess that brings me to another fear of having a kid. Obviously I’m terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, and my country has the worst maternal death rate of the developed world (like… by a long shot). I’m already unhappy with my body and my energy levels; bearing and raising a baby is not. Going. To help. But I’m also worried about the division of labor that goes into childrearing. I’m told Millenial men have made huge strides in combating the deadbeat dad. But when I grew up, every family I knew was held together by the mother. My father worked. He did not do anything else. He didn’t cook, clean, play with or watch the kids, do yard work, make doctor appointments, meet with teachers, shop for the family, chauffeur the kids around, any of it. He didn’t even buy Christmas presents for his own parents, my mom had to do that for him. Most of the households I visited seemed to function the same way. I know my husband wouldn’t do that; hell, as it is, he does more than I do, often in the 90 min per day that I spend commuting. But my understanding is that, when it comes to raising kids, women still take on more of the work on average. And I’m not even sure if I want one, lol!

And the other huge concern is the political scene. If Trump wins in November, or just… Idk, stages a coup or whatever, I… Probably won’t reproduce. As I understand, his proposed administration/Project 2025 is looking to defund public education, continue destroying the planet for the profit of a few people, and generally dismantle everything. I don’t think the country would recover within my childbearing years.

Basically, I don’t know what the hell I want. I suppose I can get another job if I lost the one I have, although I’m told competition is stiff. Once you have a baby, though, you uh… You have a kid, lmao! I admit that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why one would want a baby. The ‘ol pro/con list isn’t looking too great! Like, babies, okay? The good things (in my mind): as we age, we lose more people. It’s common and understandable to want more people to call your own, especially as we age and as life pulls us further apart from people we knew when we were younger. Some people experience reproductive drives, so there is a driving force. Cons: Pregnancy is body altering and life endangering, children produce a horrific and varied array of fluids, they’re sick all the time and make their parents sick too, daycare costs are a second mortgage for five years in my area, taking them to and from daycare and school around work is next to impossible, they make noises and run around (aka, incompatible with my stimulus issues), and I personally don’t have fond childhood memories or warm feelings about family, thanks to my own difficult upbringing.

This is one of those decisions that doesn’t logic on paper. I’m sure most people would say, “Oh, you don’t use logic for this sort of thing!” But then, like. Uh. What are you doing? I have a coworker who is maybe 15 years older than me who talked to me about people my age not having kids (uninvited, I might add, lmao). She was like, whenever I ask someone your age, they give me all these reasons about money and daycare and the difficulties of navigating work around a family where both parents have full time jobs. You just make it work! You’ll figure it out!

And I remember thinking, Ma’am, your youngest is 12. Daycare didn’t cost $2,000-2,400 per month per kid back then, and mortgages and rent were less. Like, sure, yeah, I’ll just have a kid and feed them hopes and dreams, no problem! Mm, delicious.

I don’t know, man. Sometimes I think about all the folks who will never have kids because they can’t afford them, and I feel so enraged. Or the rising infertility rates as our environment and foods become less healthy and our stress increases. Or I think about the people who have kids but can rarely spend time with them (and desperately want to) because they are trying to get the money they need to take care of them. And then there’s people like me, who are so goddamned tired and overwhelmed by their job that they have no brain space to even… Like… Figure out if they want a kid!

Well, there will be no changes until I see how the election and the possible coup go, so I need to put this down for now.

What a fun sentence.