#'the bad relationship was because everything in my life was falling apart in a flaming wreck and i had a fungus in my face'

[festivalfoxes]

'psychosis is good because it is So Much feeling and experience' 'psychosis is bad because of the random fears' 'psychosis is complicated because it's probably some kind of underpinning of how my brain works and therefore it's difficult to identify how much would change without it but also i would like never again to be stuck in a relationship i'm convinced is some kind of metaphorical but also Very Real time travel wherein if i can finally please this shitty other person i will have Proven and Created something about my own life'

[puts these in a blender] [bottles it] [sticks a burning rag in it and then immediately smashes it on the ground at my feet]

[chilschuck]

Can i request for chilchuck react to reader who like to daydream and after he tell the reader he is married, the reader keep spacing out more often out of sadness and they also try to avoid interacting with him much so she can move on. But laios and the other think it's normal since she always avoid interacting with people ( the reader interact with chilchuck more after falling in love with him )

Do you think he will notice? (ಥ﹏ಥ) (ಡ‸ಡ)

`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹ WAHHHH ANON this is such a good concept and made my heart hurt…… i ended up adding some comfort to it because if you’re like me, you need it after reading angst!! :”)))

— OF COURSE: chilchuck x gn!reader.

꒰ warnings: ꒱ sfw + hurt/comfort! might be a lil ooc, lol.

꒰ wc: ꒱ 941

✦ i hope this turned out okay!! i made it shorter than my other drabbles by accident but it felt good to end it where it did. i kind of changed the prompt a lil but only because i wanted to give you guys some love from chil still. (;;;w;;;) i’m honestly worried this turned out bad…. hhhhh. i’m so sorry if it’s not what you wanted. ;;; i still hope you enjoy!!! <333

He knew something was wrong.

It wasn’t difficult to see that you had started avoiding him. Even your gaze refused to meet his own for longer than it had to. Your constant spacing out and stares at the floor said all he needed to hear: you were upset.

It only seemed to get worse when you overheard his talk about reconciling with his wife, any hope you had shattering into a thousand pieces in front of you. From then on, you didn’t smile unless you felt you had to. The thick silence you left in your wake was suffocating, and Chilchuck wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

The other members in the party took it as if you were being your usual spacey self, and didn’t draw any attention to the issue. This only made Chilchuck feel worse; he definitely noticed the change.

You used to hang back with Chilchuck and talk with him constantly, sharing little tidbits about yourselves or chatting mindlessly. Things seemed to come easily when it came to you... Too bad he only realized this now.

The smiles you gave him, the eyes full of affection, the lingering touches… It stung that they were no longer a part of his everyday life. Instead, the sadness that ate at you only bled through to your face, into your actions, and into your silence. It was unfamiliar and unbearable at the same time… Especially with the way you’d closed up further.

Chilchuck wasn’t stupid; he knew you harbored some sort of feelings for him. He wasn’t sure if that made this hurt more than it would otherwise. You were obviously distancing yourself from him, further proving his point that inner party relationships were trouble. Yet, there wasn’t any anger or resentment in his chest towards you. If anything, this was a misunderstanding between the two of you.

Calling your name, he approached you almost apprehensively. The recoil you gave made that familiar sharp pain in his chest reappear. Blurting out an excuse, you made your presence scarce. And just like that, you left him alone again.

Of course he noticed. If anything, he hoped that it was all some sort of miscommunication. Sure, he wanted to reconnect with his estranged wife, but… That’s what they were: estranged childhood sweethearts that grew apart. Along with their love, their relationship changed. Things weren’t something he could fix, and his old flame knew that too. But he hoped more than anything they could sort through their differences and still be at least friends.

Of course you didn’t know. There was no way for you to know, or have known his true intentions. Like everything else he tried to bury deep down, you were fading from his life. Chilchuck couldn’t seem to let this one go, to let you go.

So he chased after you. For once in his life, he decided to not swallow these feelings down. He knew there was only so much he could bury, only so much he’d want to bury. You didn’t deserve that, and he needed you to give him those smiles again. To give him those gazes full of adoration and those tender but fleeting touches…

You didn’t pull your hand out of his immediately. Instead, when he called your name again this time, you turned. Chilchuck swallowed.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

Surely there was a better thing to ask at this moment, but your lip quivered nonetheless. A deep sigh leaving you, your gaze met with the floor again.

“…So it’d stop hurting.” Was all you replied, the weight of those words knocking the air out of him. He opened his mouth to speak, but you raised a hand to silence him.

“This is for the best... I hope you understand.” Your voice used to never sound so broken. It was soft in a way that he’d never heard before. You had truly given up on this, and he can’t say he blames you. He’d have given up on himself, too.

But he can’t let himself fall into that same cycle of self-pity. Not again, he assured himself, reaching up to grab a fist full of your top and pulling you down to meet his eyes. “Let me explain this to you. Please. I… I’m not going back to her because of the reason you think.” Chilchuck hadn’t heard himself this pleading in so long. He felt pitiful, and he suddenly remembered why he doesn’t like being vulnerable.

You couldn’t stop your head from nodding a yes to his request, that spark of hope trying to ignite once again in your chest. Trying to snuff it out, you waited patiently for him to continue.

And so he did. Baring it all to you, he decided this would be another step towards being more open with himself. Maybe you’d see him as pathetic for this, but he tried to piece the words together as congruent as possible. The feelings he had for her distinguished with the years spent apart and even some of the time spent together. This whole time he’s been sure that he just wanted to right the wrongs he did, and move on. Hopefully with you, when all this was over.

Of course you said yes. You listened, and with every word that left him, the flame within you rekindled. You weren’t sure what to say for a moment, besides giving a light laugh in relief. Even Chilchuck exhaled a brisk chuckle, scratching the back of his head in nervous habit. He’s not sure he could ever get used to this whole “telling your true feelings” thing.

But for you, he’d try.

— dividers by @/cafekitsune!! <333

[dreamcubed]

i don't wanna live forever | mattheo riddle x reader

song; i don't wanna live forever [taylor swift, zayn] pairing; mattheo riddle x fem!ravenclaw!reader genre; ex2l, reconciliation, ex-lovers, angst, smut, hurt comfort(ish) word count; 2,8k timeline; half-blood prince  warnings; swearing, toxic relationship, jealousy, controlling behaviour, mattheo is not a good person, neither is y/n, borderline cheating (not on y/n or mattheo), smoking, alcohol consumption, drunkenness, arguments, drunk sex, piv, fingering, degradation, ass-slapping summary; ever since you began dating, you and mattheo had been a fiery and toxic mess of breaking up and getting back together - only, when you finally try and date someone else, you realise that you miss and crave the unhealthy pattern that came with mattheo riddle

MINORS DNI! 18+ content.

i don't typically write smut but this oneshot felt incomplete without it. so, enjoy... 2 year anniversary & 1k celebration gift haha

masterlist

"wondering if i dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life."

——————————————

"I mean, why did you even date him in the first place?" Cho asked you, chewing on a chip, "He's literally You-Know-Who's son."

You sighed, used to this conversation from every person you knew, "You can't judge someone by their parents."

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

"Cho, his dad went MIA for thirteen years when he was one and his mum was in prison until last year. He hardly knows them."

"But," she said, "He was raised by the Malfoys and he was sorted into Slytherin."

You rolled your eyes.

She shrugged, "I'm just saying, the red flags were there."

You didn't reply, moving your gaze over to the group of Slytherin boys sat laughing with each other while they ate. Your ex-boyfriend, Mattheo Riddle, was sat among them.

It felt too definitive saying ex, however, since you two broke up and made up constantly, and had for the last year and a half, much to your friends' horror. You argued with him, you cried over him, you talked shit about him - but you loved him. And the love you had was a burning flame of passion, but it wasn't healthy. You had broken up a week ago, which was actually the longest you had gone without talking.

Normally, you would have caved by now, but you felt different this time. You felt immensely stubborn.

"It's time you stayed apart for good," Cho said, just as Mattheo's eyes locked on to yours, "He's bad for you."

You knew she was right, which was why you accepted when a nice Hufflepuff boy asked you to Hosmeade that weekend.

***

The bouquet of pink and red flowers being presented to you really should have given you butterflies, maybe even made you squeal, but they horrified you. Nonetheless, you smiled and said, "Awh, thank you. You shouldn't have," before taking Leon's extended arm and letting him lead you to the Three Broomsticks. He pulled the chair out for you, and you forced another smile on to your face.

"I've been wanting to ask you out for ages," he said excitedly, "But you were still on and off with Riddle."

You hummed.

"I'm glad you're done with him. He didn't treat you right."

It was mutual. You were just as toxic as Mattheo.

"But I will."

"Well, thank you, Leon," you said gently, "We'll see, won't we?"

He beamed at you, "You're so beautiful."

Surely such a comment should make you blush, right?

***

"How was the date?" Cho wiggled her eyebrows back in the Ravenclaw dormitories.

"It was... good," you said, placing the flowers on your desk haphazardly.

"Just good?"

"He's really nice, I- I just..."

Cho frowned, "He's boring?"

You shook your head, "No, he's funny and interesting."

"Then what's the issue?"

You shrugged, "I don't know."

"Give him a chance then, babe."

***

Leon wrote you poems, he took you on cute dates, he fed you, he walked you to classes, and he hung off your every word. But your eyes would always linger over to Mattheo - because despite everything Leon did for you, the only time you felt butterflies anymore was when you made eye contact with your ex-boyfriend. That glittery spark had never once burnt out in those long eighteen months you were on and off. Every argument and break up only seemed to make it burn stronger and brighter.

And the thing was, Leon was too healthy for you: too sane, too trusting, too normal. Mattheo had turned you into a raging jealous monster, as you had him, and it was part of the reason you were on and off. Neither of you had ever actually cheated, but if you got too close to a boy? He would start an argument and scream at you until you yelled back that you were over. Two days later, he would corner you, never truly apologising but kissing and making up, muttering how he loved you before fucking you until the sun came up.

And you had done the same thing to him.

That was the issue with Leon: he was friends with everyone. Some of his closest friends were girls. Were you jealous? No. But you knew if you began to develop feelings for him then you would become more jealous than an innocent boy like him could handle. You would ruin him the way Mattheo ruined you, fucking him up for any future romantic endeavours.

It drove you crazy how respectful he was, how he didn't bat an eye at you saying you were going to study with a male friend. You needed more push and pull than what he was giving you: you craved a fight, because you craved the crazed passion that came with it.

Yet, three weeks passed by and Mattheo had made no effort to do anything more than glare daggers at you and Leon from across the room.

Then the Christmas holidays hit.

***

A rich Hufflepuff in your year - not Leon - was hosting a house party at their gigantic home, and you had scored an invite. In fact, so had everyone in your year, including a few people from the year above and year below. Leon had immediately owled you to say that he would pick you up before heading there, but you knew that as you patted on concealer and highlight, you were thinking about Mattheo's reaction when he saw you. He had hated when you dressed too revealing, saying that he could see guys' eyes on you - and he wasn't wrong, you just didn't care.

You had purposefully dressed yourself in a tiny black miniskirt and matching bralette, which as a combination left very little to the imagination. With the fishnets you adorned as well, it was borderline lingerie.

Maybe Leon would finally argue with you and make you feel something.

"Y/N, you look gorgeous," he beamed, not a trace of anger on his perfect face when you opened the door to him.

"Thank you," you said, fighting the urge to sigh, "You don't look so shabby yourself."

"Shall we?" he held out his hand to you, which you accepted.

***

The party was already in full swing when you arrived, and you made a quick motion to catch up by downing two shots. Leon watched you in amazement.

"You want one?" you asked, going to pour another drink.

He shook his head, "I don't drink."

"No?" you paused in your movements, thinking that maybe this would be the time you finally argued, "I drink a lot."

"Each to their own," he shrugged, "I'll look out for you."

"Thanks, then," you said awkwardly, "I'm gonna go for a smoke, you coming?" Had you partially said that as another attempt at angering him? Yes. But you also were craving nicotine.

He shook his head, "I'm good, we'll catch up in a bit, yeah?"

You nodded absently, pouring a third shot for yourself before creating a mixed drink and heading outside to the smokers' area. And, there he was, Mattheo Riddle stood with a cigarette between his lips and a drink in his hand.

Pulling out a cigarette that you had tucked in your bralette, you boldly walked up to the group of Slytherin boys and asked, "Anyone got a light?"

Nott, who was right next you, passed you his, but you never took your eyes off Mattheo. His eyes glided up and down your exposed body as you lit your cigarette and took a long drag, relishing in the taste. You watched his jaw clench.

"You and Duggard official yet?" Berkshire asked, referring to Leon. At his question, a borderline growl erupted from Mattheo.

You shrugged vaguely, "We'll see."

"Will you?" Mattheo asked coldly.

You exhaled some smoke, "Well, he's handsome, smart, funny and attentive to my every need."

"Oh, is he?" Mattheo stepped closer to you.

Chuckling, you said, "He's a very kind man."

Mattheo scoffed, pushing past you with a mutter of, "That's not what you need."

He was right, of course, but he didn't need to know that.

You turned your focus to your cigarette.

"He's not the same without you," Nott said casually, dropping his finished cigarette on the ground and stepping on it.

"No?" you murmured, a smile tugging on your lips.

"He hardly sleeps, hardly eats, is angry all the time," he continued, "So, please, stop your little charade with Duggard and get back with him already."

"Who says it's a charade?"

You heard Berkshire scoff, "C'mon, L/N, everyone sees you stare at Matt all the time. Everyone except Duggard, that is."

Biting your lip, you ashed your cigarette, "Well, maybe Riddle should man up and apologise."

***

The party raged on, and as the alcohol flowed through your system, so did the music. Leon didn't seem that keen on the party atmosphere, so you resorted to dancing with Cho and other Ravenclaw girls. That was until you felt a guy come up behind you and begin dancing with you.

You turned around to see a Gryffindor boy from the year above, and he wasn't half-bad looking, so in your drunken state you allowed it to happen. Cho gave you a sceptical look, but didn't intervene.

A hand tugged on your wrist, and you looked up to see Leon.

"Can we talk?" he mouthed, and you nodded absently, following him to the quieter room that was the kitchen.

"What?" you said a little harshly.

"I'd appreciate if you wouldn't dance with other guys," he said, his tone completely without malice.

Your instinct in these situations was to get aggravated, so you snapped, "Well, if you actually knew how to party, I wouldn't have to."

Leon stared at you blankly, "I'm sorry."

For fuck's sake, why did he have to sound so genuine?

"I'll try and come out on the dancefloor if that's what you want."

"Fucking hell," you cursed.

"What? What is it?" he sounded worried.

"Why don't you argue with me?" you exasperated, tugging at your scalp.

Leon frowned, "That's no way to resolve things."

"It's not about resolving things," you snapped, "It's about passion, it's about the spark, it's- it's..." you trailed off, "Rowena, I feel crazy."

"I understand your relationship with Riddle wasn't the easiest one, but I want to help you learn what a calm and healthy relationship is," Leon said gently, "Because you deserve better."

"Are you even listening to me?" you pulled your hands down your face, "I don't want peace. I want passion. I want twin flame bruises. I want a push and pull."

"I-"

You cut him off, "Mattheo would have beat the shit out of that guy for dancing with me."

"That guy probably didn't know you were taken-"

"Mattheo made sure that everybody knew I was his," you said firmly, feeling tears prick at your eyes, "I just need to argue, Leon - I crave it."

"Well, I can't give that to you."

"Y/N," a voice spoke in a growl behind you.

You span around, being faced with the one man who could make you feel electric. And that was when your emotions crashed all over you: upset and anger expressed through tears and yelling.

"Why are you taking so fucking long?" you screamed.

But he wasn't looking at you - no, he was glaring at Leon. "I think you've had long enough with my girl, Duggard," he drawled.

"She's not your girl anymore," you heard Leon reply, before he said to you, "What did you mean when you asked him why he's taking so long?"

You saw Mattheo clench his fist, and you grabbed his wrist to halt him, "Fucking talk to me, Riddle."

His eyes snapped to yours, "I will never be Riddle to you, princess."

"Considering we've hardly spoken the last few weeks, I'd say you are."

"Guess I'll have to remind you who you are to me, then," he chuckled darkly, pulling you away from Leon. The Hufflepuff boy went to follow you worriedly, but you glared at him and he stayed put. Part of you felt bad: a tiny, sober part.

You found yourself in an upstairs bathroom, pressed against a cool tile wall.

"If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I can't promise I'll be a good person about it."

"You're never a good person about anything," you muttered, relishing in his hot breath fanning on to your face.

He smirked, "We both know that's the way you like me."

You hummed, "Fuck me, Mattheo."

"I'm not sure you deserve a good fuck after everything you've done."

"I never fucked him."

"No?" he chuckled, "Good."

And then his lips were on yours, tasting, sucking, nibbling every centimetre. His hand quickly trailed to underneath your skirt, rubbing your clit through your scandalously thin panties.

He pulled away from the kiss, "Don't ever wear anything like this again," he kissed you again, "At least not in public."

"Whatever you want."

He hummed his approval, pushing your panties aside to push two fingers inside of you.

"Please, I just want your dick."

"Yeah?" he murmured, "How bad?"

"So bad, please," you begged, your tear and mascara stained cheeks enhancing the puppy dog eyes you gave him. Mattheo had to admit, he loved seeing you so desperate for him.

"You really don't deserve this," he sighed, unzipping his trousers.

You licked your lips as you watched him pull his rock hard dick out.

"I can't wait to feel your mouth on it again," he muttered, "But I'm feeling nice, so I'll just give you what you want."

Mattheo bent you over the sink countertop, lifting up your skirt and slapping your ass in the process. He pulled your panties further aside.

"Don't act like you don't just miss being inside me," you forced out, making him slap your ass harder.

To your surprise, he said, "Of course I fucking did."

And then he pushed inside you, quickly and without warning, causing you to gasp loudly.

"So fucking wet."

You arched your ass up to him, moaning.

"I don't think I'm gonna last long."

You were hardly able to reply, as he had begun to run circles on your clit as well. But, you agreed with him, as the absence of this feeling had made your body hypersensitive to Mattheo's every touch.

"Fuck, you're such a whore," he murmured, picking up the pace relentlessly.

"Your whore," you managed to say, your eyes rolling back into your head as you felt your orgasm build up.

"I bloody well hope so," he chuckled.

And then, as you both came closer to ecstasy, things went silent - the only noise being his groans, your moans, and the sound of skin slapping.

"Matty, I'm gonna co- fuck!" you cursed, feeling your release wash over you in red hot passion, your vision going white as your every limb shook. You didn't normally orgasm so easily.

He continued to fuck your overstimulated pussy, gripping your hips so hard it would probably leave bruises. "Gonna fill you up," he choked out, his breathing growing heavier as you finally felt his dick throb inside you, signifying his release.

Mattheo stilled, staying inside you for a moment as you both processed the situation. Eventually, he pulled out, helping you turn over so you were sat on the counter facing him. You were both panting.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually, and your eyes widened.

He had never outright apologised before.

"I'm sorry too," you mumbled back.

"I love you so much," he pressed his forehead against yours, "I just I-"

"I love you too. So much."

He hummed, "I just- I don't understand my father. I don't want to live forever."

You frowned, "Why not?"

"Because," he took your hands in his, "Without you, I'd just be living in vain."

A smile stretched widely on your face, "Want to leave this stupid party?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

And as you left the party, hand in hand and evidently in a post-sex haze, Mattheo said - loud enough for a few close people to hear - "I'm gonna marry you, you know that?"

And you did.

———————————————

masterlist

written; 25/02/2024 —> 09/03/2024 published; 09/03/2024 edited; —/—/——

[taurusdaylight]

our rendezvous

summary. being lost in the horizon sounds scary, but not when you're hand in hand with your lover.

pairing. boyfriend! jaehyun x implied fem! reader

genre. established relationship! au, fluff

word count. 4,021

warnings/tags. as far as i know, nothing :) it's only a little angsty because of uncertainty about the future, but nothing too intense! very very fluffy,,,, maybe a lil pda (oh?)

a/n. ur resident valentine is back! i'm so sorry for going off the grid, my life has been a blur over the past few months… i did nothing and everything. anyway, this is inspired by none other than horizon (soty!) and i was very lucky to have had the opportunity to visit florence, where the horizon mv was filmed, so i knew i had to write this! after finishing it, i realised it's rather similar to my first fic but what can i say, i love jaehyun travel! aus, plus, jaehyun and forever just go together. <3 hope the new year is treating everyone kindly, and as always, have fun reading~

–

Navigating life after graduation was akin to walking through a maze, struggling to find a way out. Growing up, you always thought that everyone’s life had already been nicely written out since there were only two things that truly mattered: school and work. The adults always preached about how good academic records would land you a great job. All your life, you never failed to achieve and maintain stellar grades so you never doubted that you would get a job. Yet, as the day of your graduation approached, you started to worry that you might not end up finding a job. Or at least, one that was to your liking.

The thought of working for the rest of your life sounded… boring. Perhaps an oversimplification, but you always made sure to put a hundred percent into your studies, so you felt like you never really had the chance to live your life the way you wanted to. You weren’t a party animal per se, but you wouldn’t hesitate to skip a night out with your friends if you had an important deadline to meet. It was always academics over everything else. Apart from meeting expectations that others had on you, the fear of failure haunted you too. More often than not, the urge of wanting to disappear creeped into your mind. It didn’t seem like a bad idea, running away to some random part of the world where no one knew you. Once you’ve spent enough time there, you could easily travel to another city and explore till your heart’s content. That was the dream. Unfortunately, this particular dream of yours never came true.

That was, until now.

Treading the path of adulthood was admittedly scary, you could slip and fall at any given moment and not know how to pick yourself up. But, you weren’t on your own. 

Jeong Jaehyun, your boyfriend of two years, shared the same sentiment. Sure, he was ambitious and had his goals set out. Like you, however, working himself to death wasn’t one of the things on his list. Jaehyun believed that it was important to strike a balance, to not throw yourself into something so deep that you would get lost in it. Working may be important but it would never hurt to have a little fun whenever time called for it. 

You first met Jaehyun in Introduction to Film Studies. Both second-year students, you and Jaehyun clicked extremely well with each other as you bonded over your shared love for films. What started as study sessions to help each other with assignments eventually progressed to warm, cosy movie date nights that also involved cuddling under a fluffy blanket on Jaehyun’s couch. 

While there have been minor arguments over those two years, you and Jaehyun always made sure to communicate. After all, a couple is supposed to fight the problem, not each other. The both of you understood that. These disagreements never bothered you that much because you believed that they were part and parcel of every relationship. Instead, you wondered more about how lucky you are to have found someone like Jaehyun. As you liked to put it, Jaehyun was your twin flame. He spoke to your soul in a way that no one else could.

Instead of taking the conventional route of starting a full-time job after graduating, you and Jaehyun booked one-way tickets to Rome the week after your final exams. How long the both of you were going to stay there for, that was a question for another time. The plan was to have no plan, going wherever your feet took you. Both of your parents weren’t exactly agreeable about this idea, nagging about how irresponsible and irrational it was. But what could they do? It’s not as if they could physically stop two grown adults from going. Eventually, they were able to come to terms with it and simply asked the both of you to stay safe. 

It’s been about three weeks or so since you two arrived in Rome. Tranquil mornings without a blaring alarm was something that you could really get used to. The icing on the cake would be waking up to the sight of Jaehyun sleeping peacefully next to you, an arm securely draped around your waist. His lips would slightly jut out, you would sometimes sneak a kiss or two because he simply looked too adorable to resist. 

A day out together would look something like sitting by an artwork in a museum, coming up with various interpretations or hopping from café to café to try out different desserts (which were often, gelato), you couldn’t count with your fingers the number of times the staff had to chase the both of you out because they were closing. Time is said to fly past when you’re having fun, but even more so when you’re spending it with the love of your life. At least, that’s what you think. 

The both of you woke up earlier than usual today because you’d turned in early the previous night, probably exhausted from all the walking. The sun wasn’t up yet, which meant that there were limited stores that were operating during this time too. It felt like a waste to sleep in and laze around in the apartment, so came the impulse decision of buying last-minute train tickets to Florence. 

“C’mon baby,” Jaehyun half-shouted, his gaze flickering between you and the platform located at the other end of the station.

Hands intertwined, you and Jaehyun were sprinting as fast as your legs could carry you in order to catch your train that leaves in approximately two minutes. Or rather, you were doing everything in your power to match Jaehyun’s speed because why was he running like he was competing in the Olympics? So much for wanting an athletic boyfriend. 

You were almost out of breath from running, you didn’t even have the energy to give Jaehyun a verbal answer. Instead, you tried to speed up like he told you to. After what felt like a hundred miles, the both of you finally reached the platform, boarded the train, and settled down into your allocated seats. 

“Oh my goodness. We are never doing that again,” you said, panting. 

Jaehyun shot you a wide grin. “Now that’s what I call an intense leg day.” 

You were rendered speechless. Here you were, thinking that he was going to agree with you. But you also remembered that Jaehyun was a gym rat first, your boyfriend second. Jaehyun goes a little over the top with exercising, you could tell that much just by looking at his physique. Though, you wouldn’t say that it was exactly a bad thing. In fact, what a sight for sore eyes he was… 

Before you had a chance to respond, Jaehyun used his other hand to push your head towards his shoulder. “Go to sleep, doll. Don’t want you feeling cranky in the middle of the day because you didn’t get to take your daily nap. I’ll wake you up when we’re reaching.”

Despite not being able to see him, you could hear the smile in Jaehyun’s voice, which caused you to grin too. Perhaps it was Jaehyun’s shoulder that made you comfy, but you could feel the sleepiness slowly start to envelop you, so you snuggled even closer to him.

“Good night, Jay,” you said before falling into slumber.

–

The train ride took faster than expected, probably because you were asleep throughout the journey. Upon alighting, you and Jaehyun walked aimlessly along Via Faenza. You stopped in your tracks when you caught the pleasant aroma of coffee beans coming from a café, it was so inviting that the both of you had no choice but to enter.

Save for the long line of people in office-wear queuing to get their morning coffee fix, there was no one else occupying the seats in the café. Wanting to be away from the crowd, you and Jaehyun made your way to the corner booth seat situated all the way inside after getting your order. You sat next to each other, with Jaehyun's arm wrapped around your waist. Your torso was slightly exposed because of the cropped top that you wore, and Jaehyun’s fingertips easily found purchase on your skin. Soft traces all over, which oddly enough, made you feel tingly and warm simultaneously. 

“Jaehyun,” you called out.

He turned to look at you. “Hmm?” 

“Do you regret being here with me? Don’t you feel like you’re wasting your life away?”

Jaehyun halted his movements, but he did not loosen his grip on your waist. His answer was written all over his face, from his creased eyebrows to his frowning lips. 

“Of course not, baby. Did I do or say something to make you think that way? I’m sorry if I did,” he said sincerely. 

“No, you didn’t do or say anything of that sort!” you quickly clarified. “I think I’m just worried about the future, you know? Once all of this is over…”

A small smile played on Jaehyun’s lips as he removed his arm from your waist. He cupped your face in his hand, sighing. “I wish you could see yourself the way I saw you, because then you’d have nothing to worry about at all. You’re going to do great things, ____. I’m sure of that. But for now, just let loose and enjoy yourself, okay? You deserve to have a break.” 

Jaehyun’s words could bring you to tears. He radiated so much positivity that it naturally rubbed off onto you, especially with the amount of time that you spend with each other. However, there were still moments of weakness, like now, where you’d inevitably think about how things could possibly go wrong. Before you could spiral into a whirlpool of negative thoughts, however, Jaehyun would pull you right out of it by telling you exactly what you need to hear in order to help get you through these times.

“Thank you,” you whispered, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on Jaehyun’s cheek.

Jaehyun made a sound, as if to signal that he was pondering. He pointed at his cheek and tapped on it with his index finger several times. “One more?”

You couldn’t help but giggle at his request, but who were you to deny him? Since you were feeling generous and grateful to your boyfriend, you quickly moved closer to give him two more kisses. One on his cheek, and the other on his lips. The best part was seeing the Cheshire cat smile appear on his face after he’d received his well-deserved kisses.

For the rest of the time at the café, you and Jaehyun were people-watching through the glass window while sipping on coffee and feeding each other small spoonfuls of pastries. At some point, random passer-bys became a part of a guessing game that started out of nowhere. Dating or siblings? What would their coffee order be if they came in here? The both of you had a lot of fun making up stories to back up your answer, boisterous laughter sounding through the place. 

Afterwards, you and Jaehyun continued wandering through the streets now that more stores have opened. An apparel store selling headwear caught Jaehyun’s eye, and he spent about twenty minutes or so looking through the bucket hats. Taking one in his hand, he tried it on and started making silly faces at you while dancing. 

“Stop it, you’re embarrassing me.” You reached a hand out in an attempt to remove the hat from Jaehyun’s head, but he swiftly avoided you.

He held on tightly to the hat. “I think this was made for me. I’m definitely getting it.”

The hat didn’t look bad on him, but it was still… questionable. A helpless sigh escaped your lips when you knew that nothing you say would change his mind. “Okay… as long as you’re happy.” 

Fortunately, Jaehyun didn’t have thoughts of wearing the hat there and then. Because if not, you would think twice about walking next to him.

The next few stores mostly sold vintage items and souvenirs. You and Jaehyun ended up getting matching gnomes that had the initials of your first names carved into it. While checking out at the counter, the cashier made a comment about how cute the two of you look together and that the gnomes were such fitting choices, so much so that they looked like mini versions of you two. With shy smiles, the both of you thanked her before exiting the store. You also noticed the tinge of red on Jaehyun’s ears, but kept quiet about it since you were most likely a blushing mess yourself. 

Then, it was time for lunch. 

You and Jaehyun had previously crafted a mini bucket list, and one of the things on the list was to try the various types of pasta while you were in Italy, so that’s what the both of you had for lunch. It appeared that all the shopping must have taken up a great deal of your energy because the both of you still had an appetite for dessert afterwards, or, rather, gelato was considered a staple so there was no way that dessert could be skipped. 

Although it was sunny, the summer heat wasn’t unbearable so you two were at the outdoor seating area of the gelato café. Within the vicinity of the café, there was a group of children playing catch with one another. After finishing the gelato, Jaehyun dragged you along to them. 

“Ciao! I’m Jay,” he introduced with a friendly smile. 

You introduced yourself to them too and stood behind Jaehyun, hiding slightly. You didn’t have anything against children, but you still considered them to be strangers, and you always had a hard time talking to strangers due to your reserved nature. You barely had any experience with children too so this was still foreign to you.

On the flipside, Jaehyun adores children. You could see it in the way his eyes would light up whenever he interacted with him. Not to mention, he was great with children (an understatement, if you had to be truthful). Seeing Jaehyun with children always made your heart swell, in a good or bad way, you weren’t sure… The only thing you were certain of was that you definitely wanted to have his children.

While you were spacing out, Jaehyun was quick to ask and memorise the names of the children. He played around with them for a bit and made sure to include you as well, the game of catch was never so fun before. However, it wasn’t long before you got tired, so you opted to sit at one corner to watch them. You whipped out your phone to capture this moment, giggling at how precious Jaehyun looked. Happiness looked great on Jaehyun, and you hoped that it would stay on him for a long, long time.

All of them grew tired after a few rounds too, putting an end to the game. While they were busy running around, you discreetly returned back to the café and told the cashier that you would be paying for the children to get gelato. You also grabbed a bottle of water and gave it to Jaehyun, who was perspiring profusely; indeed, an intense leg day it was for him. 

Through body language and very poorly spoken Italian, you tried to tell the children that they could go pick out the flavours that they wanted at the café. You were far too preoccupied with communicating that to them, the endearing look that Jaehyun had on his face went unnoticed by you. Thankfully, the cashier was there to bridge the language barrier and they managed to get their gelato without any hiccups. Before leaving, each of the children gave you and Jaehyun a hi-five, a word of thanks echoing after one another.

Having spent almost the entire day in that area, you and Jaehyun decided to explore another part of the city before catching your train back to Rome. Long before this trip, you happened to stumble upon a website about the top spots that offered a picturesque view of the city. One of which was a twenty minute bus ride away from where you and Jaehyun were currently at. 

When the bus arrived, you and Jaehyun entered by the back door and sat down. You were busy admiring the old architecture of the buildings outside until you felt Jaehyun’s hand touching the side of your face. You realised that he was trying to put one side of his wired earpiece in your ear, which caused you to turn and face him, and you saw that he already had the other side of the earpiece in. Jaehyun was smiling so widely that his dimples were showing. You brought a hand up to poke it, feeling a sense of victory because you were one of the very few people in the world whom he allowed to touch his dimples.

Shyly, you took Jaehyun’s hand and interlocked your fingers together. No words were exchanged between the both of you, but there was a mutual feeling that this exact moment perfectly encapsulated the love you and Jaehyun have for each other. Tender, somewhat otherworldly in a way where everything, like the chatter of the other passengers on the bus, seemed to fade out in the background. 

As Can’t Take My Eyes Off You started playing through the earphones, you took it as an opportunity to mouth to Jaehyun, “I love you.”

Jaehyun’s dimples became more prominent at your sudden declaration. He made sure not to break eye contact with you before he mouthed back, “I love you.”

–

“Look!” you exclaimed, pointing toward the replica statue of David. It was the first thing that you saw after alighting from the bus.

Jaehyun turned his head to look at what you were pointing at. “Wow, it’s stunning."

The both of you hurriedly walked over to take some photos, which ended up in you and Jaehyun bursting into fits of laughter because he was imitating the statue and posing in the same way. It definitely earned you a few stares from the other visitors, but you and Jaehyun were too busy laughing to even notice that you two were getting judged. 

After snapping a few more photos, you and Jaehyun went to the other side of the square where you could see an overview of the city. It was breathtaking, to say the least, the both of you concurrently marvelled in awe at how it looked like a scene straight out of a movie. You could even spot the street that you two were at earlier in the day, as well as many other famous landmarks. Not to forget, the surrounding trees and mountains made it feel more complete, it was a perfect getaway from the bustling city for some peace and quiet. 

The both of you were standing at the top of the stairs, and you saw that there was a walking trail below. Due to time constraints, however, it seemed more logical to sit and admire the view, since neither of you knew how long the walking trail was and where it led to. Besides, it was a perfect spot to catch the sunset before you had to leave for the train station, so you two sat on one of the steps near the top where you had an unobstructed view of the city.

Like before, you and Jaehyun were listening to music together while holding hands. Other than humming along to the song, Jaehyun would also sing some of the lyrics to you, especially if it was a sweet or cheesy line. 

“Can’t believe I get to be here with you.” Even after some time had passed, you were still greatly impressed by the scenic view, in disbelief about how you could share this moment with your lover. The bright orange hues of the sun added more colour to the backdrop, it felt surreal watching it slowly go down.

“Me too,” Jaehyun replied almost immediately. “It feels like a dream…” 

“If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up from it,” you said while shifting closer to Jaehyun’s side. “Like, ever.”

“I want to stay here with you forever.” Your voice came out as a whisper, because deep down, a part of you was afraid that this happiness would be taken away from you abruptly. 

Yet again, Jaehyun made one of those sounds to indicate that he was thinking, which made you gasp in response.

“You don’t want to be with me?” you questioned, a look of betrayal on your face.

“No, silly,” Jaehyun chuckled. “Of course I want to be with you.”

Jaehyun let out a deep breath, as though he had to brace himself for what he was going to say next. “The thought of eternity feels scary. But if I know that you’ll be there with me, then… there’s nothing to be scared of. I think, for me… forever is where you are, wherever that may be.”

Silence ensued, music playing through the shared earphones being the only source of sound. Jaehyun gulped awkwardly when he noticed that your gaze was fixed on him, but you weren’t saying anything. “Did that come out wrong? I don’t even know what I’m saying sometimes. But I guess I was trying to say that–”

You cut Jaehyun off with a kiss. He smiled against your lips, causing you to do the same. Jaehyun’s hand travelled to the small of your back to pull you in before he tilted his head to the side for better access, going straight for your upper lip to return the kiss. It was slow, delicate, and everything you could ever ask for. You sighed when you felt Jaehyun’s hand running over your skin; he knew exactly what he was doing. Every kiss that you shared with Jaehyun never fell short of being exhilarating, which was one of the great things about love… or Jaehyun. Perhaps, both. 

He was the first to pull away, staring intently at you with a cheeky smile on his face. Jaehyun leaned in closer until he could bury his head into the crook of your neck, leaving another kiss on your collarbone. You wrapped your arms around his frame, hugging him as tightly as possible. You and Jaehyun stayed like this for a while until you heard a lady yelp from a distance away, her loud voice grabbing your attention.

As you looked up to find out what the commotion was about, tears immediately filled your eyes and you had to do everything that you could to hold them back. 

The said lady was standing by the railing, both hands covering her mouth. In front of her was a man, down on one knee, holding out a box with a diamond ring. You tapped Jaehyun’s shoulder so that he’d sit back up, and he turned to see what you were looking at. All of the other visitors were also invested, as everyone patiently for the lady's answer. 

Everything happened so quickly. The lady nodding and getting pulled into a hug by her fiancé, the crowd erupting in cheers and applause–a truly sweet moment to witness. Without thinking much, you blurted out, “that’s going to be us.” 

Jaehyun diverted his attention back to you, shaking his head. Seemingly biting back a smile as his lips formed a thin line, Jaehyun jerked his head to motion at something behind you. “That’s us.”

You were about to protest, pop another question that was something along the lines of whether or not he was planning to marry you. However, you remained quiet and decided to take a look at what he was referring to first. 

Well, it looks like the urge to complain has completely disappeared. How could it not? Rather than dissatisfaction, your heart leapt with joy when your eyes landed on a couple standing hand in hand at the other end of the steps from where you and Jaehyun sat; they were having their pre-wedding photoshoot.

[allisonbaelfire]

Amethyst. - PART 1

I heard a soft knock, followed by a cheerful “Wakey wakey,” and immediately recognized the voice of my older sister, Fuyumi. Despite having been awake for hours, my mind was still clouded with swirling thoughts, and the night patrols certainly didn’t help me get enough sleep.

I wasn’t in the mood to match Fuyumi’s chipper energy this morning. I lay there silently, listening as she cautiously peeked her head through my bedroom door to check if I had heard her. “Sleeping in today wouldn’t make a good impression, Y/N,” she said softly as she stepped into the room and noticed that I was already awake.

“Nervous?” she asked, sitting down beside me on the bed, her smile as gentle as ever.

I knew Fuyumi only had good intentions. She was a light in this house, and I was convinced she had never had a malicious thought in her life. At least, she never showed any outward sign of anger or bad moods. Fuyumi was the heart of our family, always there to try and keep us together. But despite her warmth, I could never bring myself to engage in deep conversations with her. She was everything I wasn’t: open, optimistic, and always willing to talk about her feelings.

I lay still, silent as usual, my mind too heavy to find the words. Fuyumi sensed my mood and chose not to press further. She stood, walking over to the heavy purple curtains hanging by the window, and pulled them open. Soft morning light spilled into the room, casting a warm glow that did little to lift the weight I felt pressing on me.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, just because Shoto might be,” Fuyumi said, her voice soft and understanding, with that same trace of concern she always had whenever Shoto’s name was mentioned.

Her words made my heart sink a little, but I appreciated the sentiment. Fuyumi had always been the anchor of our family, the one who kept us from completely falling apart when chaos loomed. She had this ability to see the good in everyone, even when the rest of us couldn’t see it in ourselves.

I glanced at her, and she gave me a small, knowing smile. There was a quiet pause, and I could see her hesitation. She wanted to say more but was wary of the delicate nature of the relationship between Shoto and me. Everyone knew it was a sensitive subject in the family, especially with our father constantly fanning the flames of rivalry between us.

Still, Fuyumi stepped closer and gently placed her hand on my head. Her touch was soft, reassuring. “You’ve saved and inspired so many people, Y/N. Maybe you could do the same for Shoto if you spend more time together—” she hesitated briefly, searching for the right words, “even if it’s just starting with going to school together.”

I felt the warmth of her hand, and for a moment, I let myself lean into it. Her words, as always, were filled with care and concern. She had so much hope for us—for Shoto and me—hope that things could get better. I wasn’t sure I shared that hope. Still, I couldn’t

help but think about what she said. Perhaps going to UA would give me a chance to get closer to Shoto, even if the idea of trying again made me anxious.

“Thank you,” I murmured, forcing a faint smile onto my face. Fuyumi returned it, but her expression shifted slightly when she noticed something in my eyes, a sudden realization dawning on me.

“Fuyumi!” I exclaimed, panic creeping into my voice as I hurriedly sat up. “I’m not a Pro-Hero anymore—I can’t put on my uniform… I don’t have any clothes!” My voice trailed off in frustration.

Fuyumi tried to suppress a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. “You can borrow some of my clothes,” she said, amusement clear in her voice. “And if you don’t like them, I’m sure Natsuo can help,” she added with a grin.

Despite the ridiculousness of my outburst, I still felt uneasy. The thought of starting school again, after having been a Pro-Hero, felt strange and unsettling.

As though reading my thoughts, Fuyumi reassured me. “Y/N, at UA, you wear uniforms. I’ve already laid one out for you,” she smiled, pointing to the neatly folded outfit placed on the chair in the corner of my room.

I stared at the uniform, feeling a mix of embarrassment and discomfort. It was strange—after spending so long as a Pro-Hero, wearing a school uniform felt foreign, like I was taking a step backward. I had spent years fighting villains and working night shifts, far from the world of teenagers and classrooms. The idea of slipping back into that life, of being a student again, made my skin crawl. How was I supposed to fit in here?

“However, you’ll still need casual clothes. Looks like we’ll be going shopping together after school.” Fuyumi’s voice brought me back to the present, and though the thought of shopping wasn’t exactly appealing, I felt a small sense of relief knowing that she would be with me. I hadn’t kept up with what people my age wore, and I certainly didn’t know what I liked anymore. Her help would be a welcome guide through the confusion.

__________

After Fuyumi left the room to give me space to get ready, I slowly got dressed, slipping into my UA uniform. I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and for a moment, I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.

“What should I do with my hair?” I muttered, running my fingers through the strands. “Should I even bother doing anything with it?”

I rolled my eyes at myself, frustrated that I was stressing over something so trivial. I had faced down villains, saved lives, and yet here I was, standing in front of the mirror, worrying about my hair for school. How had it come to this?

In the end, I left my hair down, letting it fall naturally, and applied a light touch of makeup before deeming myself ready. As I stepped out of my room and made my way downstairs, I spotted Shoto by the door, already putting on his shoes. He didn’t look up, didn’t even acknowledge me, and that familiar sting of his coldness hit me again. I wasn’t sure why I expected anything different.

Fuyumi stood by the door, holding out my school backpack. “I packed some snacks for you,” she said with a smile. “But Shoto mentioned there’s a cafeteria too.”

I nodded in thanks, taking the bag from her hands. Fuyumi’s constant kindness was something I had come to rely on, even if I couldn’t always show it. I appreciated her efforts, even though the tension between Shoto and me was always a painful reminder of the broken pieces of our family.

We were lucky that the UA school bus stopped right outside our door. As Shoto and I boarded the bus, I overheard Natsuo’s voice from inside the house.

“Do you think those two will be okay?” Natsuo asked, his voice soft with concern as he watched us from the doorway.

I didn’t turn around, but I could feel his gaze on us as we boarded the bus. Shoto, as usual, chose to sit as far away from me as possible, taking a seat at the back.

_________

I sat near the middle, resting my head against the window. The city passed by in a blur as the bus moved along, but I wasn’t paying attention. My mind was too preoccupied. The reality of returning to UA after living the life of a Pro-Hero weighed heavily on me.

What am I even doing here?

The thought gnawed at me, louder with every passing second. I had worked so hard to earn my Pro-Hero license, and now it felt like I was starting over. Sure, it was a new rule that heroes had to attend school, but part of me couldn’t help but feel like I had failed somehow. Failed to live up to the expectations my father had set for me. Failed to maintain any real connection with my family—especially Shoto.

The ride was quiet. I could feel Shoto’s presence in the back, but it was like we were miles apart. I stole a glance over my shoulder, watching him as he stared out the window, completely distant. He hadn’t spoken to me once.

Maybe it’s better this way, I thought, turning back toward the front. What could I possibly say to him that would change anything?

We both carried the weight of our father’s expectations, a shadow that loomed over everything. I knew he resented it, just like I did, but breaking through to him felt impossible. Shoto had built his walls, and I had no idea how to tear them down.

We arrived at UA sooner than I had expected. The sight of the school gates brought back memories, but this time, things felt different. I had been here as a Pro-Hero before, fighting alongside others and working missions. Now, I was just a student again.

_____________

Klick here for: Amethyst. - Masterlist

[valcetious]

"𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑲 𝑪𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑼𝑹𝑬𝑺."

pairing: childe x reader

tags: toxic relationship, manipulation, delusional thinking, implied abuse, implied entrapment, romanticised physical harm, reference to death

w/c: 1349

a/n: the themes of this fic are a tad, uhhh… questionable. i like to indulge in the fucked up characterisation ideas in my head sometimes, so here we are. tartaglia is obviously my victim for this because of reasons that i do not believe need further explaining lmfaooo. author has bpd so there’s lots of undertones of that, my bad y’all. heed the tags!

translations: милый (miliy) = “dear”, “darling” [gn] // любимый (lyubimyy) = “beloved” [masc]

“it didn’t matter that he was a wolf behind the guise of a sheep. it didn’t matter that he hunted you from the shadows. for you, the lamb, were willing no matter the consequences – for you all are sick creatures.”

childe was many things. many contradicting things. as were you.

maybe that’s why it was so easy to find yourselves entangled with each other - unable to tear yourselves apart. lost amongst each other.

you didn’t mind, truly. you were content to be lost amongst him of all people. he was your everything. the reason your heart beat, the reason your lungs filled with oxygen, the reason your eyes could see. he was everything.

nothing would change that, ever. nothing could sully this idolised view of him. nothing could ever erase him. he was a form of unattainable perfection – the epitome of all things right in this world of deluded views.

maybe if life had been kinder to you, you never would never have found solace in him. maybe, if life had shown you true love, you would have seen the truth behind what you perceived to be love. but alas; life was not kind, nor had it shown you true love.

and so, when kindness and love is devoid – it’s easy to find yourself falling for what your brain believes you deserve. you begin to break yourself down and rebuild yourself. piece by piece, block by block, you become an entity different from what you first came to this world as. you rebirth your soul, telling yourself that this life, this life of instability and pain, is the only constant you will ever have. and over time, you develop a certain view of life and love. you develop a certain attachment to people. one that consumes your entire being – an attachment that poisons everything it touches.

like a moth to a flame, you remember so clearly the first time your eyes fell upon him. it was as if he demanded your gaze, an indescribable force pulling you towards him. he looked back at you, or maybe through you. you weren’t sure. you can recall the shivers that went down your spine, his gaze strong and steadfast.

he was the enemy. at least, supposed to be. no enemy should shine as brightly as he did, you thought.

you remember so clearly the first time you saw that look in his eyes. the one that gazed at you as if you were the most desirable thing in the world.

in that moment, his hands were wrapped around your throat, a sickening grin on his face. despite the feral madness he wore, somehow, he seemed like a work of art. so strong, determined, passionate. and yet, he was going to kill you, you were the enemy. of course he was going to kill you. but the panic that should’ve been filling your body simply ceased to exist. no alarms bells. no warnings symbols. just a single, floating thought.

he was beautiful.

the weight of his hands around your throat seemed to be less of a burden at that realisation. it was almost as if it morphed into a comfort - something to remind you of how fragile you were under his fingers. maybe that thought should’ve disturbed you, but it didn’t. instead, you felt some sort of satisfaction.

some sort of purpose arising at the concept of being discarded by him.

the way his eyes searched yours left you feeling oddly charmed – his attention focused on you and you only. his orbs were dull, as if he were dead inside; funny, considering he had such a disarming smile. you looked over his face, really looking this time. he truly was beautiful, physically too.

you remember the way his fingers loosened around your neck after a moment, his orbs darkening as he smiled. though this smile wasn’t the same grin of sadistic pleasure he had previously worn. he seemed almost pleased, as if you were some sort of treasure that he’d been searching for all his life.

“you’re perfect.”

in childe, you found purpose. he loved you. he did. and you loved him. madly so.

and that was precisely the problem. you loved each other. too much.

you loved each other so much that pain and suffering were synonymous with love. you loved each other so much that not even death would do you apart. and childe knew this. he knew this all too well.

childe knew you were irrevocably his. knew that no matter what would happen, you would never run. you were simply his. his to have forever. his to keep, to own, to have. and he would have all of you. your body, your mind, your thoughts, your actions. all of it would be belonging to him, and him only. he would make sure of it, no matter the cost.

perhaps you should’ve known better. maybe part of you did know better. but did any of that matter? did any of it really matter? the world without childe was dark, threatening, consuming. everything was horrible — until him. he arrived and suddenly, things seemed to take shape. a sense of self started to emerge.

and yet, it was hardly a sense of self; rather a collection of delusional ideas that were fed and tended to by the one you fixated upon. you had fooled yourself into thinking it was you.

but see, there was some simplicity in losing your mind.

there was peace in indulgence of your delusional thoughts.

it was sick — you were sick. and you could not be treated — this sickness rotted you from the inside out. no amount of medicine or healing would quell your soul of this darkness.

“милый,” the harbinger purred, a blood-stained hand wiping a tear from your cheek, “you’re so pretty when you cry.”

you trembled underneath his touch, the pain from your abdomen flaring up throughout your whole body. and yet - the pain was nothing compared to that adoration in childe’s eyes. a whimper escaped your lips as you shifted, and the harbinger cooed. it was a soft, sweet sound. like a parent hushing their young. a bloody finger pressed against your lips, a sickeningly sweet smile painted upon his features.

“shhh, you’re doing so well for me,” childe murmured, pressing a kiss to your exposed collarbones.

your eyes flicker to childe’s right hand, catching the glint of the dagger in the moonlight. stained in your blood, and your blood only. a special dagger, just for you, as childe had described it. your eyes trail back to his face. his eyes watched you with so much curiosity, it made you feel so bare under his gaze; as if he were peering into the deepest parts of you. his gaze aligned with yours, his empty eyes boring holes into you. despite the dullness, there was a glint of passion burning within them.

he revelled in your pain. and you loved it.

you loved him.

“would you die for me, милый?” childe’s voice questioned, the hand that sat upon the back of your neck tightening with his words.

“without a second thought, любимый,” you had replied, eyes sliding shut at the pressure of childe’s fingers.

you didn’t need to think about the answer. you knew without childe, you were lost. death was a sweeter release than a world without him. you couldn’t live without childe. it was impossible. you couldn’t let him go. he was worth the cost of everything.

the red-head hummed, a satisfied look on his face. you were so perfect – truly. no other soul so blindly loved him in the way you did. no other soul had ever come close to the sickness within him. until you.

that lovestruck look in yours eyes when he would hurt you only proved your loyalty.

and he was determined to keep that loyalty. even if it meant destroying you and rebuilding you all over again, by his hands only.

no other would ever come close to you.

you were a sick creature, as was he.

you were made for no one but him.

© valcetious, cross-posted on ao3.

requests currently open!

[gascon-en-exil]

Honestly there's some "xyz is only bad when my fave doesn't do it" vibe coming out of the OP. They seem to take issue with AM having the characters follow Dimitri even against their better judgement and yet willing to give a pass when the BE class follow Edel on the same occasion (deciding to side with Edel in the Holy Tomb despite the fact that she was revealed to be the Flame Emperor and ordered her soldiers to kill them, believing in Edel when she lies to them about Arianrhod).

Also I don't think Dimitri asked Dedue to turn into a crest beast during CF but Dedue did it anyway against Dimitri's wishes but I guess the OP forgot about that.

I know for a fact that I've had to make this point before, but the low-hanging fruit of the Dedue/Felix conversation is very easy to refute. Dedue trusts Dimitri enough to know that Dimitri would never order him to kill children, and we know both from CF and from their A support in Hopes that there are times when Dedue is willing to disobey Dimitri. That support is just Felix determined to think the worst of Dedue as an indirect way of reaffirming his own negative image of Dimitri, and Dedue realizes this and tells Felix what he wants to hear.

These types of fans insist of reading everything through an overwrought political lens that doesn't even hold up in canon because the writers didn't care enough to flesh out their world in meaningful ways beyond what was needed for the main plot and for specific character stories (and giving priority to the lead characters is standard FE writing...and typical for writing in general, for that matter). Duscur is only restored in AG and in some of Dedue's endings which are of course AM-exclusive, because Duscur - here the Duscur people, not the Tragedy of Duscur which is a much more significant event narratively speaking - ultimately only matters in reference to Dedue. Call the developers racist/colorist for that if you like, but don't try to dump it nonsensically on the characters and certainly don't use it to attack people who like Dimitri or Dedue and/or ship them together. Honestly a romantic reading of their relationship makes their behavior and regard for one another much more straightforward: they're bonded to one another through trauma and mutually codependent to the point that each of them falls apart without the other, but they trust and lean on each other in a genuinely sweet way in spite of how a bunch of people around them disapprove of Dedue's presence in Dimitri's life (queercoding, yay!). The OP of that post was worried about not being smart enough to figure out Dedue, but it's really not that difficult...

...although as I've probably written more Dimidue-related meta than almost anyone else in this fandom and that poster has me blocked, I suppose I can understand why they might find his character unfathomable.

[bellysoupset]

A little more of the LukeBell novela.

--------------

"I don't know mom, do I seem like I have a crystal ball?" Lucas heard through the door, just as he was about to knock. There was no other voice answering, so he figured Bella was on the phone and not with company.

He had been fully recovered for a week now, the time it had taken to get back on his feet and start to get his life together after he had let it go up in flames. Of course, cleaning his kitchen, catching up in all the late homework, fiercely apologizing to his friends... That had all been him procrastinating on the real issue at hand: apologizing to Bell.

"Voy a checar los hoteles y te mando," Bella said, sounding annoyed, "OK, adios".

Before Luke could think better of it, give in to the anxiety that was making his heart race and his stomach churn, he knocked on the door.

"Just a second!" Bella yelled and he waited, wiping his hands on his jeans. Three weeks. Exactly 23 days since he had last seen her, the longest they had ever been apart in the last four years of relationship.

She pulled the door open and Lucas gulped down, forcing a smile, "Hi."

"Hi," Bella crossed her arms to her chest. She was wearing just yoga pants and a sporty bra, probably about to leave for gym, her hair up in a ponytail. He forced his eyes not to linger.

"Uhm... Can we talk?"

"No," She scoffed, slamming the door on his face. Lucas jumped back, startled as the wood shook with the strength of the blow. He let out a sigh, leaning on the door.

"Bella..." he had no idea from where to start, "I'm sorry. I was... An ass. I blew everything, I made a huge deal out of something small and I really, really, shouldn't have proposed to you like that. I know I messed up-"

The door opened and once more he was met by a furious gaze. Bella stared at him, "did you break up with me because your dad told you to?"

For once Lucas was shocked. He shook his head vehemently, "No! No! No, I... I proposed to you because he told me not to."

Her face turned red, out of anger or embarrassment he wasn't sure. Lucas cringed, "I shouldn't have done that, Bell... I was being stupid."

"You think?" she rolled her eyes, "I thought I was dating an adult, but it seems I was dating a fifteen year old with daddy issues."

Her words were cutting and while it wasn't anything new from what Lucas had already heard before, it hurt the fact that Bell was saying this of all people. He winced, shaking his head, "I'm not. It was a bad month, he kept bringing up my mom and fucking with my head and then you said no and everything just snowballed-"

"You broke my heart," she interrupted him, "you're the first guy I ever loved and you dumped me and then acted like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. Four fucking years, Lucas."

"It wasn't nothing, you know I didn't think it was nothing, I was falling apart too, Bella-"

"I don't care if you were!" she exclaimed, eyes wide, "you broke up with me. I called you a million times, I was willing to talk about it, but you acted like a fucking child, so no, I don't give a damn if you thought- If you decided to chug a bottle of vodka and die in some disgusting pub and I don't care-"

"How do you know about that?" Lucas frowned and Bella scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Get out of here, Luke."

"No!" Lucas pushed all thoughts aside, glaring at her, "I know I messed up and I know I'll have to do a lot to get us back to where we were, but I love you, Bella. I do," he stepped closer, looking at her intently, "and I know you're furious right now, rightfully so, but I also know you love me too."

Bella's resolve seemed to crumble, the walls all but melting. She sighed, closing the space between them and cupping his face, "Luke..." her thumb ran over his cheek and he smiled, couldn't help it. He could see it in her eyes, "I love you, of course I do."

"Then-"

"But it'll pass," she pulled her hand back, shaking her head, "please get out of here, Luke."

There was a ringing in his ears and Lucas found he would much rather she had slapped him across the face than to hear that. He felt like Bella had just punched him in the middle of his stomach, successfully having murdered all the butterflies there.

"You don't mean that."

"I do," she held firmly, eyes overly shiny, "I love you, but I'll get over it. Bye Luke," and without waiting for his response she clicked the door shut on his face once more, this time without slamming it.

It hurt more.

He stared at her door, fighting the horrible burning in his eyes, blinking against it just as he started to feel his vision turn blurry from the tears. They streamed down his face and he rubbed them away angrily, finally moving away from her door. The last thing he wanted was for Bella to hear him.

He made it all the way back to his car before the break down hit him like a ton of bricks. He had just fully, completely blown his relationship down and for what? A stupid proposal neither of them wanted? His dad? His ego?

Lucas let out a sob and lowered his head to the steering wheel, wrapping his arms around himself. Fuck.

[long-distance-love]

Hi! I'm in desperate need of help since I can't talk about this with nobody else. I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years now, she's almost graduating in college in another country. I miss her terribly and I've been feeling pretty lonely for a long time. She is very caring and loves me very much. We are each other's first girlfriend. I love her but the distance during these 5 years made me do needy.

She has an older sister, amazing as she is, we live in the same city and she's also my type. So, since last year I developed a crush on her and this is killing me. She had a few bad relationships herself and I always thought I wish I could be someone she would fall for and i would give her my heart and soul If i was single. And she just got into another relationship.

How could I forget about her sister if she's bound to be in my life? I'm afraid this feeling might destroy my relationship in the future. I keep having these fantasies. I feel like shit. Please advise!

Hey Nonny,

You're understandably going through a lot at the moment... Benny and I had a long discussion about your ask over coffee this morning, so here's our two cents. The main topics I'll center our reply around are Fantasising, Idealisation (in LDR), Needs in a relationship, & Tough love from us (which is more of a personal opinion and can be totally ignored by you if you like!) We know it's a lot, so we've summed everything up before delving deeper into topics (detailed answer is under the cut).

Good luck figuring things out!

-Danny

TLDR

Determine what your needs are and make sure they're being met (if this is too tough alone, recruit a friend or potentially even the help of a therapist)

Decide whether you love your girlfriend and can stay in a committed, honest relationship with her, or otherwise stop stringing her along

Crushes and fantasies are normal, but indulging them for so long is not - it's a choice and I know you know it as well deep down

You're only crushing on others because you're not dating them. If you were dating them, you would be crushing on someone else. (Which seems like an unhealthy pattern that you should break into.)

Your main objective in an LDR (aside from working hard on maintaining the flame, love, caring and intimacy) is to resolve the distance. If you're not working on it, then the whole relationship is most likely doomed and will fall apart sooner or later. (Even if it would take years for you to be finally living together, you need plans and you need to communicate that you want that future together)

Be a decent person and don't ruin two sisters' relationship. You simply have no right to do that. Forget about her sister even if you decide to break up with her.

Fantasising

So I think we can all agree that we all have eyes, and we all notice attractive and beautiful people, regardless of our relationship status. We also form new friendships and connections, which is good for us because a relationship shouldn't prohibit you from social interactions. However, I find it deeply unsettling how you talk about your fantasies and I think you need to be more honest with yourself here. You make your urge to fantasise out to be this uncontrollable, terrible force that you simply cannot stop... Or can you? Being in a long, committed relationship is a choice. You choose, every single day, to be faithful to your partner. This is obviously even more difficult in an LDR. Whether or not you entertain these fantasies is also a choice. Healthier ways to cope with your urge to fantasise would be consuming romance novels or media that resonates with you; creating something you can pour your emotions into (i.e. write or paint); scheduling in romantic dates with your partner and rekindle the flame (yes, it works even over videocalling); planning a visit or a holiday together.

Idealisation in LDR

I've spoken in length on this blog about how often we idealise our partner in an LDR, or in the early stages of a relationship, or even a crush, and the reason why we do that is quite simple. Our partner is not yet part of our daily routine and we don't know everything about them. We happily overlook things that we don't like in favour of their positive attributes. The same thing can happen when you have a crush on someone. You don't essentially know the person, you create this perfect image in your head. They're also a novelty, they're unknown and exciting. Truth is, if they're only exciting because you're not in a committed relationship with them. You say you've been crushing on your partner's sister for a whole year, but how much time have you actually spent with her? My guess would be that this is all in your head and the character you've built up over the year and have a crush on is actually little more than fiction.

Needs in a relationship

If you fantasise about others, and develop crushes on others, while being in a relationship, and you feel like you can't stop, then you either don't want to be in a relationship with your current partner or your needs are not being met. It might also be an attachment issue - you might have avoidant attachment style, which makes it hard for you to maintain a long committed relationship as the intimacy of it scares you (if this resonates with you, do search for Ainsworth's attachment theory online, there's a lot of resources and tests you can look at). Back to needs though! You keep saying you're needy and lonely, but not once do you mention how you're planning to resolve the distance between you and your partner. If your needs are not being met, you need to do some soul searching and have a heart to heart with your partner. LDRs are really difficult to manage as you have limited channels to express your affection and caring for each other. Getting better at managing it will improve your quality of relationship.

Tough love from us

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the sister is obviously not into you as she is in a relationship, and even if she were, I'm sure she values her relationship with her sister more than to go behind her back and date her partner/ex. No more excuses. You have the power to stop fantasising about her. If you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, then that's your perogative, but don't drag your girlfriend through your indecision, and please for the love of god don't ruin the two sisters' relationship. Also, can you imagine yourself in her shoes? Read your ask again and pretend to be in your girlfriend's place. What do you feel? Do you think it's a fair situation? Would you be able to ever forgive your partner if they kept something like this from you for a year?

Also if you can say you'd give someone your heart and soul if you could while in a relationship, then you don't love your current partner anymore. I'm sorry but you simply don't. You might care for them but that's not love. And you're certainly not trying to stay in love either.

[camaro-and-smokes]

Menace, my beloved

Rating: General Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Category: M/M Fandom: Stranger Things (TV 2016) Relationship: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington Characters: Billy Hargrove,Steve Harrington Additional Tags: Harringrove, events take place post-starcourt, Billy survived, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pillow Fights, POV Steve Harrington. Words: 1703

Summary: After Starcourt Billy had moved in with Steve, and living with him wasn't always easy.

Notes: This is my @harringroveson-bingo card 1 prompt A3: Pillow fight.

::::::::::

“You always say that! I hate it!” Billy shouted and got up, storming out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom. Steve flinched as Billy slammed the bedroom door shut after him. He counted only to three before he heard Billy scream his lungs out. He took a deep breath. It was a sign that Billy was getting better. The less Steve could count to, the sooner Billy was letting his frustration out. Or at least sooner than before. Obviously, there was still a long path ahead before they could have any difficult discussions without Billy sparking his short temper into full on flames from less than three sentences from Steve he didn't like for any reason.

It wasn't Billy's fault. When they had started dating, Billy hadn't known how to control his negative feelings at all, for he'd been forced to bottle them more or less entirely for so long. Back then, he had simply walked out of the house and driven away whenever they had even a minor argument. It had led Steve being heartbroken for making Billy feel bad at all, which again had led them not really talking about anything important, and almost made them break up before they even lifted off the ground. Only when Billy finally had mentioned about his volatile situation at home, his walkouts had made sense to Steve, and they had gotten back on track.

And then, just a month later, Starcourt mall had happened.

When Billy had been in the hospital for a few months, Steve had once seen Neil rage at him. It had been the first time Steve had witnessed the obvious reason for Billy's frustrations. He'd decided on the spot that Billy would move out the moment he was released from the hospital and come live with him.

Which, ever since he had helped Billy walk up the stairs to the tiny studio apartment, had lead to a never ending number of arguments about Billy wanting to pull his weight, Steve telling him it wasn't necessary because he wasn't yet fully healed, Billy feeling Steve was belittling his capability of taking care of himself because he was trapped in a body that might never function quite the way it had before, Steve telling he didn't belittle Billy the slightest but wanted to give him time to heal because he loved him, Billy not hearing what Steve meant from his own rage - and that's how they always ended up in the situation where they were also right now.

Steve wanted to shake Billy so hard that all the unnecessary self pity and wallowing would fall out. Steve understood it was important for Billy to feel that he was in control of his life, especially now, but Billy just wasn't willing to give his body the time it needed to heal. He wanted his body to fix itself faster than it could, and especially because he kept his pre-Starcourt fitness as the goal for that healing, not having it all right now—if ever—was the source of all his self-loathing.

It was admirable that Billy wanted to work on healing his injuries and do it as soon as possible. While his progress had been quick thanks to his decisiveness, everything still took longer than he wanted.

On a good day, he could walk to the garage that was a few blocks away where the bruised and battered Camaro was parked, and do some work on it for a few hours, the time his brain allowed him to concentrate. After that, he had to come back home and sleep as long as his body needed to recharge on that day.

On a bad day, getting out of bed was a struggle.

The mindflyer had caused severe physiological and neurological damage to Billy's body, and he was simply refusing to get into grips with it. Even with all the exercise and physiotherapy, it could take longer to heal than he himself thought possible. And while finishing school in somewhat reasonable schedule felt attainable, because he was able and wanted to study for a few hours a week even if by himself, finding work after graduating that would fit his new state, depending on what it would be, might be hard.

Steve had tried to drill it into Billy's head that all he had to do for now was just to concentrate on healing and that he would take care of everything else. For now. Yeah, the money was tight, but he had talked his mom around to open his fund when he would turn 20, so it would get easier soon. But Billy was a hothead and maybe a bit too proud to admit that maybe he at least shouldn't feel bad about not being fully healed after just six months of which he'd been in a coma for a month. Steve thought that maybe the neurological damage contributed to Billy's shorter than normal temper too.

In any case, these were the challenges they were living with.

Steve put the kettle on to make Billy some tea and then waited for fifteen minutes allowing the tea to cool. Billy was having a bad day with the pain, but somehow tea calmed the nerves, so Steve made him a mug and took it with him. He knocked on the bedroom door. "Billy?" No answer. He opened the door and peeked in. Billy was sitting on their bed, looking out through the window. "I made you some tea," Steve said and raised the mug as he walked by the bed. He set the mug on the nightstand and sat next to Billy. He didn't dare to touch him without asking. For all he knew, Billy could be having the worst of days when he felt every single nerve-ending in his body. "Can I touch?" Billy nodded, barely visibly. Steve moved to sit behind him and hugged him gently. "I love you," he whispered. Billy looked down. "I'm not worthy of it. I'm not worthy of anything." “Yes, you are,” Steve whispered. “And you're doing such a good job of working on getting better. Even now you let out all the anger way sooner than before.” “I did?” Billy asked after a while. “Yeah. I could only count to three. Next time, I might even come after you and finish the argument right there and then.” Billy snorted. “Keep dreaming that dream for a while, for now.” Steve smiled. “You're a hothead, but you're my hothead,” he said, and kissed Billy on the cheek. “I still don’t like it.” “Yeah, well, for now you have no say in it. The Camaro stays in that garage, no matter how much the rent for the space is, and you keep going there at least a few times a week, if you can, and keep working on the car. You don’t even notice that you’re exercising your legs and hands when you’re there. It helps you get better, baby. It’s important. To you and to me.” “But you pay for fucking everything. I feel like shit for being just a free-rider,” Billy groaned. Steve sighed and hugged him tighter. “You need to get better first. You do what you can and that’s enough. And as I was saying when you stormed out, it doesn’t matter how you take part. If you can fill and empty the dishwasher, or study, or work on the Camaro…I love you, and I take anything you can do and contribute to our life together—as long as you keep your healing as number one.” He sighed again and set his chin on Billy’s shoulder. “And like I’ve tried to tell you so many times before, but apparently I need to remind you once again—our life together is not a numbers game.” Billy was silent for a long while. “Why are you so good to me?” he finally asked quietly. “Because you deserve it.”

Billy sighed a heavy sigh and hugged Steve’s arms. They looked outside in silence and just were.

Until Billy let go. It looked like that he was going for the mug of tea and Steve let go—but instead of the mug, Billy grabbed his pillow from under the duvet and hit Steve with it. “Hey!” Steve yelped. “What was that for?” “For being so fucking perfect. You deserve a smack for it.” “I’d like you to smack your lips on mine rather than a pillow on my head.” Billy whammed the pillow over his shoulder again at Steve and laughed. Steve tried to hold back the arm that held the pillow, but it was surprisingly strong—though Steve didn’t really use all his own strength to hold Billy back. Finally, he let go and scrambled backwards on the bed to grab his own pillow. By then, Billy had turned around and was on his knees on the bed, ready to hit Steve again. Steve managed to hit Billy on his shoulder before Billy’s pillow flew in the air again, hitting Steve in the shoulder. “Hey! This isn’t a fair fight!” Steve laughed. “I show you fair,” Billy said, grinning, and kept attacking Steve relentlessly. They both were laughing and hitting blows at each other with the soft pillows, Steve all the time avoiding hitting Billy with full force even by accident.

Finally, Steve laid down on the bed, giving in and burying his face into the mattress. “I give up, I give up! You’ve punished me enough!” Billy laid some more hits with the pillow on Steve’s back and then buried his face between Steve’s shoulder blades, laughing and hugging him. “Why are you like this?” Steve groaned into the mattress. “Because I’m fully capable of being a menace,” Billy grinned, and tickled Steve’s sides. Steve turned around, and before Billy could get away from his reach, he grabbed him into a hug, this time facing him. Seeing Billy’s eyes sparkling and a wide smile on his face, just like before everything went to shit, made Steve’s heart wanting to burst out from his chest. “Even though you drive me crazy,” he said softly and kissed Billy. “You’re my menace. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[littleonekitten]

I feel like I’m being swallowed alive. I feel ridiculous, why did I let myself love and trust when I knew it wasn’t going to work out, every relationship I have I always think it’s going to work out and I often joke about it so I don’t get hurt but of course, it’s always “ I love you, I’ll never leave you” but the moment I felt actually secure, that i didn’t have that thought, that I felt I could actually be loved and be in love with someone the world falls apart, it’s like he knew, he knew the moment i actually let him in he decided to detonate the bomb. Why did I trust my feelings and allow myself to love when I know how much it hurt last time and the times way before that. I feel stupid for allowing myself to think that I could ever be loved again when I knew it wasn’t a possibility. That inside I’m unloveable and a monster, in a happy mask. I feel very used and very abandoned today. I’m tired of hearing his name or seeing his photo, the person that knew everything that I would allow him to know hurt me in the way he knew it would most. I feel so used and sad, in my relationship with him I spent over 3,000 dollars just on him.. not counting dates,but special occasions and presents and holidays and “I thought about you when I saw this so I picked it up” I feel ridiculous, I feel sad that maybe he doesn’t appreciate it anymore and all of the open ended what ifs, what if he donated everything I put money and thoughtfulness into. What if he never appreciated them. It’s like stomping a heart and stabbing it with a knife over and over again and yes I know he kinda already did that but it still hurts. It hurts not knowing the answer but I have to think positively right? I have to think that all of these things happen for a reason. So why do I feel myself so stressed over the past? Why is it that I’m allowing it to effect my future? Why the fuck do I feel like my world is slowly collapsing behind me while I say I’m fine and I want to act fine but the moment someone mentions him it’s like a allergic reaction and gives break out that I just can’t get off. Why do I get the pit in my stomach and then think about it constantly. He’s gone. And I’m okay with that. I think I’m in the process of missing the memories, I miss the companionship and honestly I’m getting scared I’m not going to be able to feel that way ever again because I didn’t think it would happen with him, but it was just real. And I want to sit here and deny it all, but I loved him inside and out, and I loved him in my soul and my mind. And I’m gonna be honest I’m terrified that’s not going to go away. I’m terrified that if he comes back into my life I’m still gonna care about him and talk to him if he hasn’t changed, if he’s the same way I left him and there’s no improvement I’m scared I’m gonna fall back into that trap, but I also know my head won’t allow me to do that, it’s weird, once I get hurt, or the connection isn’t repaired, I loose all attraction, like the blink of an eye, and it’s hard because I’m worried love won’t be like that. There’s days where I don’t love him, and I’m not in love with him anymore, there’s not a connection, a warmth, a flame, but I don’t know why but it’s still in my mind. I might’ve mentioned this before but he works with my family. My family comes home and I get a earful about him and what he did and his day, and it’s a weird pain. Because if he has a bad day… it doesn’t make me feel better because it doesn’t boost me or give me anything positive because it’s not about me, but my family also doesn’t understand that it’s weird to bring him up? But they also just assume I’m fine and I’m okay and I’m strong, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m not strong, or brave or any of those things. I’m a scared child in a adult body that had to grow up too fast that overcompensates for that by being a strong, confident and independent person which honestly I’ve pretended it my whole life so it’s very easy to believe but when you pretend about something forever you start to believe it and it just becomes true after awhile.

[ambriel-angstwitch]

Miss Missing You through the lens of Merthur

Don't panic, no, not yet. I know I'm the one you want to forget

Magic reveal. Let me set the scene, Arthur sees Merlin do magic and Merlin says the first line not only to try to get Arthur to listen to him but also somewhat to himself to remind him that things aren’t guaranteed to go terribly. The second line is in his mind fearing that Arthur won’t want anything to do with him after the reveal

Cue all the love to leave my heart

The love that Arthur holds for Merlin will dissipate with the reveal or at least that’s what Merlin fears. Especially I’m imagining Arthur leaves the room instead of saying anything. (We do know Arthur wanted to be alone after the reveal in the show itself)

It's time for me to fall apart

With Arthur gone Merlin no longer has to keep the brave face to try to convince him. He can panic

Now you're gone, but I'll be okay

This line is interesting because it’s in direct contrast to the last. Maybe Merlin’s trying to convince himself he’s fine

Your hot whiskey eyes have fanned the flame Maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight Let the fire breathe me back to life

But then another worst case scenario Merlin might think of. What if Arthur wants him to burn? What if he would do it for him? What if his magic brings him back?

Baby you were my picket fence

A white picket fence represents the perfect house, and an ideal lifestyle. Arthur is Merlin’s everything, he’s his ideal future, and he’s all he wants.

I miss missing you, now and then Chlorine kissed, summer skin I miss missing you, now and then

Sidetrack from the whole storyline we’ve got going on since this gives me major Merlin’s been waiting for Arthur who’s in the lake vibes. He only has brief flashes of memories of Arthur since he’s been gone so long, he misses the way he used to miss Arthur because it’s so much harder to miss something you barely remember.

Sometimes before it gets better The darkness gets bigger

Merlin’s constantly fighting against forces that want to destroy what he loves and all he can hope is things will get better

The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger

Once again connected to this whole storyline though really very canonical because he is completely ready to die for Arthur but he is also living under the knowledge that if Arthur knew everything about him then he might just kill him.

Oh, we're fading fast I miss missing you, now and then

Once again the Arthur in the lake vibes. The memories are fading

Making eyes at this husk, around my heart

The husk around the heart implies that the person has some walls up, has something their hiding like Merlin. Arthur’s falling in love with him but Merlin can’t help but wonder if it’s really him as there’s things he must hide that might stop that love

I see through you and we're sitting in the dark So give me your filth, make it rough Let me, let me, trash your love

But Merlin and Arthur also see through eachother. Despite the secrets Merlin keeps they know eachother more deeply than anyone else. Merlin has seen all of Arthur’s filth all of the bad things he’s done.

I will sing to you everyday, if it will take away the pain

Merlin will be there for Arthur in even the most simple ways if it would make things better for him even a little bit. (Also don’t imagine Arthur wanting Merlin to sing to him in the last “just hold me” moment)

Oh, and I heard you've got it, got it so bad Cause I am the best you’ll never have

They were so deeply in love with eachother, but at the end of it all they never truly got to have eachother. The same destiny that forced them together also kept them from having the relationship they desired. Merlin was too busy trying to keep Arthur that he never got to really have him.

[agentstarkid]

https://www.tumblr.com/agentstarkid/761883132078260224/question-are-we-going-to-read-daniels-reaction

Ok, having read this does that mean he hasn’t fully grasped her saying “I just wanted to be the one”? Cause I had a feeling he was a bit too nonchalant about that. Especially if they had spoken about marriage and it seemed like it was possible that’s where they were headed.

She technically was the one and then his mind let himself to question everything. When he does realize what she said he has to be wondering if she then felt not good enough to be the one for him and I bet it’ll kill him because of course she was and he’s the one responsible for making her feel unworthy

YESSSSSSS!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!

In my brain, he put a wall up when everything fell apart. He completely shut himself off to her and her feelings because that was the easiest way out.

He was in a bad place at the time, everything was falling apart in his life and she just kept pushing through every single thing that people threw at her. And she was still rising while he was drowning. And that, at the time, it was one more stone added to their grave (today, apparently, I'm all about stone metaphors lol).

There's a line in mac miller's 'my favorite part' that says: before things come together, they have to fall apart. And there's another in 'No Plan' by Hozier that says: The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun. And I feel like these describe their relationship so well in general lines. Everything happened so fast for them. They got together and then they were stuck together for four months in quarantine on a farm—she was sooooo far away from home, in a new country, with a new boyfriend of just 2-3 months and it felt like the world was ending. He got to know the real her and then, suddenly, the global superstar came out and it was a whole new persona, with everything that comes attached to it: fame, gossips, etc etc,,, because he got sooo used to that other person he spent so much time with.

So it's a lot to take in. And he just wasn't ready. He's never dated anyone famous before—or more famous than him.

I'm rambling a lot, sorry! but to wrap everything up, I feel like they both needed time apart, was it the right way to step back and breathe? no, no, it wasn't. But they are both to blame. This is my controversial take on this: Yes, Daniel fucked up and broke her heart. But she saw it coming for months, and decided to ignore it and put it aside because she loved him too much and didn't want to face their problems. That's where I'd put the blame on her.

BUUUUUTTTTTT they are mean to be. They are twin flames. They are endgame.

Once he actually lets himself open that vault of emotions, he's gonna feel like shit because it's gonna be a rude awakening. Not to give too much away, but he's gonna see, first hand, how happy she is in the arms of someone else. And part of him is happy that she has someone devoting their time to put her pieces back together and making her happy, because she deserves it. But the other part, feels anger and shame, that it's not him healing her broken heart as he should've. It feels like salt is being poured into an open wound.

To him, she was the one from their very first date. He knew he was putting a ring on her finger someday. Sadly, amidst the raging storm, he lost sight of the prize for a moment. But if there's one thing that he is good at is being patient and he's been perfectioning that virtue for years. He's gonna play the game, he's gonna play his cards right, and at the end, he's gonna win.

They—especially him—are getting their shit together so they can love each other better.

And oh, victory after a hard-fought battle always tastes so sweet.

Oops, I ended up rambling too much anyways but I hope this answers your question or I don't know if I went off on a tangent again 😅

[anitabyars]

A sharp, emotional novel about a tough-minded bar owner who makes a deal with a devil of a cowboy—and might just get burned…

Moving to Montana to buy a dive bar with her two best friends sounds like a can’t-miss idea to Charly Henwood. The scenery is breathtaking, and the cowboys aren’t bad-looking either. Not that Charly’s interested. Her heart is as unmovable as the surrounding mountains. After her cheating ex-boyfriend destroyed their relationship and their nightclub, she’s determined to take care of herself, her friends and their bar.

But it turns out the regulars resent newcomers swapping their craft beer for an extensive cocktail menu. One is particularly not happy—The Naked Moose’s previous owner, Jaxon Reed. The last thing Charly needs is a cocky cowboy telling her how to run her bar, or her life. But maybe she can use Jaxon to her advantage. If he’ll agree to be the prize in a charity auction, Charly will make the bar a little more cowboy-friendly.

When that plan backfires, Charly finds herself doing battle with the biggest temptation in Timber Falls. A man who has made it his mission to win her over, using every infernal means at his disposal. And if her resolve goes up in flames, her heart is sure to follow…

My Review

5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This wonderful read has an abundance of feels, and plenty of aww moments. I simply adored Jaxon and Charly and their story turned my insides into marshmallows. I have become a huge fan of this author. She writes with so much intensity, passion and emotion. Some lines are quick, witted storylines, and are so perfect and lets you believe you have a front row seat into these characters. So reading this opposite-attract love story didn’t disappoint!

Jaxon Reed and Charly Henwood come alive page after page.

Becoming a third-generation top-notch quarter horse breeder, wasn’t what Jaxon Reed had planned to do so suddenly, but after his father’s passing he couldn’t let his family’s ranch break apart and lose its legacy.

Before his father’s death, Jaxon had owned a bar on Main Street that he had been proud, that he’d brought to the town—a place where the locals felt like they belonged. And tonight his best friends and himself needed to hit up his old bar The Naked Moose’s for its grand opening and see what the new owners had done with it.

When they arrived he was shocked, he felt like he’d stepped into a place that not only didn’t cater to anyone he knew in Timber Falls, but that the bar did not belong in a small rustic town.

And then he saw Charly, and she was not like anyone he’d ever met before.

Charly Henwood and her two best friends Willow and Aubrey has bought The Naked Moose in Timber Falls, Montana. They had called in their backup pact and were all starting over, after all of them had gone through hard times in the last few years. Willow had endured an abusive ex-boyfriend. Aubrey had quit her job because of harassment and Charly caught her fiancé cheating on her. They completely revamped the small town bar into an upscale bar. And since they all were mending broken hearts, themselves, they wanted a place that brought women together and celebrated them, while also providing the town with something it lacked, a higher-end bar.

But what happens when the locals aren’t so happy about what they have done? They have everything invested in their venture. Can they make it here?

I absolutely loved the journey this book took me on! So full of life and love, fire, and passion, angst, and turmoil. I can’t wait for the next book in this series!

I received an early copy, and this is my honest review.

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[an-unraveling-unknown]

Hey there friend, I've been here before and its so, so hard, I'm so sorry. You deserve far better than this.

This definitely sounds exactly like my own symptoms, primarily cleaning more towards inattentive qualities, but I don't know the full extent of these and i am not a licensed expert, therefore i am unable to diagnose you. However, perhaps I can provide assistance in a ungodly long and rambling note - and please try to educate your parents on this topic as well, if you so wish. You are their child, nevermind their ideals, and I understand that it's so darn scary and hard but they need to know this, for your mental health and the relationship between you all.

I saw a really excellent explanation per-se of what I go through and what you could be feeling on the Internet at some point, so I'll write it down here-

--

Say you turn on the burner of a stove. It's on, lit, flames flaming around like anything, and it is fully in your capability to put your hand up close and personal with that flame; so do you put your hand over it?

Generally, pretty much everyone would say 'no.'

But why not?

"Because I can't, that's inherently dangerous."

But you can do it, right?

"No, I can't."

But you can do it.

--

Your brain simply won't you do a certain task, regardless of if it's interesting or not, regardless on if you can do it (which you generally can), because it will escalate a simple task into something overwhelming to the point where it will 'check out' so to speak. This is not your fault. Let me repeat that, this is not your fault. You are not lazy, or spacey, or stupid or slow or seeking attention or anything like it. You are doing your absolute best with the tools you have and you're doing spectacular, I don't know you and I'm incredibly proud.

A few notes -

- I'm positive you've looked this up already, but here is a excellent iceberg chat that lists other symptoms that you may have - disclaimer that all adhd cases are different, and you might now have some of, and that's valid and a-okay.

- Depending on what your biological gender is, you could be completely overlooked when it comes to things like this. Women, who usually present symptoms that corelate more with inattentive ADHD rather than hyperactive ADHD (the latter being what is usually presented in biological males, something more noticable and therefore diagnosed earlier) sometimes don't get diagnosed or don't even know that they have ADHD until later in life, because doctors usually attribute the symptoms to depression and anxiety (which admittedly happens in tandem with folks with more inattentive symptoms, but that's not the root of the issue.) Something that probably doesn't help is that the diagnosing process is far more focused on hyperactive symptoms because that's what everyone has been taught ADHD should look like, rather than the other levels of crappiness (see above).

- This is not a hopeless case; you are not hopeless. You are a person who needs a little extra help to find their place in the world and the fact that society will not offer that is appalling and gross, you are worth much more than that.

- I too hardly remember my elementary school habits and the like, which can be attributed to either bad memory or masking, (hiding and suppressing your symptoms to fit in and seem neurotypical.) That pressure to mask only heightens as you get older and will most certainly come back to boop your nose really hard with a baseball bat, and, surprise surprise, generally turns up in folks with undiagnosed ADHD presenting more inattentive traits - masking is a bad coping skill, and when it doesn't work anymore, everything will start falling apart really quickly.

- The counselor and the psychologist are excellent resources for this sort of thing where I am. If you need assistance in the midst of class, go to them. You are not obligated to tell your friends anything. You do not owe them your privacy - communicate that firmly to them if they press for answers.

- As for daydreaming, I bet you come up with the most wonderful stories.

- Also, go drink water. Eat if you haven't. Take a moment to reflect. You are not alone in this, and you never will be.

I hope everything turns out okay, and I am open to answering any more questions you might have.

hey i need some advice

recently ive been trying to research more about adhd and other things because i genuinely think i might have it and i want to go to a doctor even if they say i dont have it so that i can like, get closure

but i am a minor, and being in a immigrant family, it seems like "mental health is real except when it comes to us". ive asked my mom around 2 years ago that i might have adhd but not only did she laugh at me, when i asked my doctor she also laughed at me and told me "i probably searched up symptoms on google". ive been really hesitant to bring it up again and its gotten worse

ive been crying because with assignments even though i had hours to complete it, even without screens i would just, stare into my computer and nothing would get done, or i start cleaning my room. my friends call me "the master of procrastination" and i laugh yet i know i can do so much better. i live in my daydreams atp, and my friends don't expect a response from me because i dont reply in hours. yet i still can't bring myself to reply to texts because of this sudden freeze that stops me from doing anything. i have plenty more experiences but i dont have the energy to type every single one.

another problem is the question of adhd in childhood. i don't remember a lot of my habits or any of my work ethic from elementary but i remember hiding a lot of my mistakes from my parents so they can't be reliable sources for this question.

i have imposter syndrome for a lot of things i do and that includes talking about adhd for me because i feel like im faking everything to get attetion and i dont know what to do at this point

my only hope is to talk to my school counselor and ask for the school psychologist but

1. they say they're confidential but im scared if they talk to my parents all of my efforts in trying to figure out anything is gone, and they become more stricter.

2. where i go to school it is so "taboo" to talk to the counselor about your feelings, so i dont have a class where i can ask to go to the counselor without any of my friends asking me what i was doing.

i know this is a hopeless situation but if anyone has any information on anything, i'm all ears.

thank you for reading this and stay safe :)