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missinghan · 5 years ago

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radiant ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : college!au ; love-hate relationship!au ; frenemies to lovers!au ; fluff

❖ word count : 10k.

❖ warning : explicit language & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you've made a mental note to yourself never to make dumb bets with J.One again because who knows you'll fall for Han Jisung over two cups of boba?

one.

College.

That specific morifying seven-letter word can literally make someone jump off a cliff. Like straight up, Lucifer would rather drink and bathe himself in holy water than to join one of the world's most traumatizing systems. Where knowledge is being drilled into people's mind like a tattoo, and it's not even a cute one, one that you most likely will regret later.

Man, what a life.

After highschool, most people thought they were ready, physically and mentally. That's not true. Did you really think that you're ready for monotonous lectures, for back-to-back assignments with ridiculous deadlines, for cramming forty slides of the PowerPoint presentation from your professor the night before an exam just because your brain cells decided to say 'fuck it' in the middle of the lecture ?

No one's ever ready for living to torture themselves.

Not even Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, the boy you grew up having him right by your window. Hyunjin, that one kid in class who would always hand people his homework whenever they asked for it. He's too kind for this world, for his own good, you often say that to yourself but Hyunjin isn't really all that great.

He too takes pain in turning in assignments to the T.A and dreads his 9am classes tremendously. But, since he's got a rich ass uncle who has some spare apartments lying somewhat near college ( as long as he preserves the place and invites someone over to help paying the bills ), he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of living on campus.

And you, just happen to have the honor to live with him. Well, more like temporarily to see how things will work out later. You despise living on campus anyway.

"What's with the long face ? Did Minho ramble about his cats again instead of working ?" Hyunjin walks into the living room before dropping his keys into the gold-accent bowl that he previously purchased from a garage sale. It's quite convenient, actually, the keys never end up under the couch or some random drawers again.

You look up from your laptop screen, sparing him a glare and focusing back on your assignment. Being a media major is equivalent to taking lots of notes and a shit ton of reading which is a pain in the ass. Meanwhile, a theatre kid like your roommate has his midterms and finals as setting up plays for school's events. Pfft, privileged people.

You don't hate-hate the idea of going to school like some people, in fact, you genuinely love learning, but you're in desperate need of another word for 'child labour' to be applied to this ... situation.

"Ohoho.. It's way worse, trust me, you don't wanna know." You lean your head sideways on one of the pillows, words slightly slurred with your cheek being pressed against the soft surface.

Hyunjin raises his voice from the kitchen area. "Did he confess his love for you or something ?"

"Jesus no ! You know he's not into me like that." You almost screech and sit straight up. "We were supposed to finish our project that's due this Friday. And guess who else was there ? Another chick showed up ! I swear that I wasn't hallucinating, he brought a new one home every other day. She said she was just 'a friend'." You make the quote-on-quote sign with your fingers to emphasize.

You pull on your own hair dramatically with all your might, hissing under your breath just by recalling it. "And whenever we had a twenty-minute break every hour and a half or so, she keeps brushing herself against him, acting all innocent about it. I was deadass pissed off—"

"Woah woah, I don't think it's that—"

You throw your hands in the air helplessly, suppressing the urge to throw a tantrum. "It is that bad, Hyunjin ! The chick doesn't know how to take a fucking hint !" Whatever, Hyunjin is probably too tired to wait for you to finish complaining about some random classmate drooling over Minho because they do that all the time anyway.

"Damn." He sips on his apple juice. "I should come over next time. Might be a not-so-shitty, watered-down version of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'."

You shoot him a glare, closing your laptop shut. "I instantly regret moving in with you."

"Why ?" Hyunjin pouts and plops himself next to you on the beige-colored couch. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table while obnoxiously sipping on the box of juice.

"Because apparently, you love weird, gross, mushy noises as much as Minho does." You answer flatly, burying yourself deeper into the white fuzzy blanket. Actually, no. Living with Hyunjin isn't as bad as you're trying to make it sound.

He might not cook, but he knows some decent restaurant with reasonable prices. He might be all over the place sometimes while panicking over an upcoming exam but at least he keeps his space organized ( unlike Han Jisung, whose closet is a perfect resemblance of World War III ).

Hyunjin throws his apple juice into the nearby bin while scrolling through the 'Romance' section briefly. And sharing the same Netflix account is probably the best decision you two have ever made. "What's worth-hating here ? No smelly kids, no not-having-enough-personal-space problem. There's good food, a cute, quirky roommate which naturally equals good company. You're living your best life right now. The only downside to this is that you have to deal with my questionable sleeping habits."

Fine. Hwang Hyunjin is cute, and a total heartthrob to the entire school. You won't be surprised if every single male student hates him with a passion ( which they do ). Not to mention, all of your female classmates would be more than happy to finish all of your assignments within two days as long as you hand over his number. Although they might want to reconsider due to the fact that this good-looking boy is also that person who records his alarm by yelling at the top of his lungs into his phone speaker.

But, a good friend wouldn't do that, because even God doesn't know what those creepy girls would do once they had their hands on his phone number. This is also why you always get dirty looks from everyone just because you just happen to be his plus-one for everything.

And Hwang Hyunjin only needs a plus-one when Seungmin decides to hate him on that day ( which is almost everyday ). So there goes your reputation. You're probably nothing but a mediocre girl who just doesn't know when not to be all over her hot best friend in the people's eyes.

Hyunjin snaps his head towards the front door when the bell rings then proceeds to turn back to his roommate, showing those ridiculously adorable puppy that naturally implies as 'Get the door for me, will ya ?'. And although all you want to do is to slap him with your laptop, you still stand up nonetheless. You undo the chains and slides the lock over before swinging the door open.

"Hyunjin, I was wondering if you wanna come see us perform this Saturday. You know, at the school's mini music festival. 8p.m. Got two tickets to spare. You can get yourself a plus-one or something." And before you - with an obnoxiously loud tone, the leather jacket and Balenciaga cap - is Changbin, who sassily brushes past you and makes a beeline towards the couch, where Hyunjin is man-spreading, wrapped up securely in his white fluffy blanket.

He lazily sits up from his previous position, receiving the tickets with half-open eyes. "I'll go. As long as 'Wow' is on schedule." 'Wow' is 3racha's first and most definitely last attempt of a love song but somehow, it's managed to get itself a special place in Hyunjin's heart. Well, more accurately, everyone's heart.

Changbin cocks an eyebrow. "It's first on the list actually." He then turns to you with a smirk spread across his lips. "Whatcha say, Y/N ? We all know your favorite line is 'Excuse me noona, do you have a boyfriend ?' from the lovely J.One." He refers to one of Jisung's lines in a love song which he wrote at the age of 16, Changbin wasn’t even 18 himself then. Good times. And now literally every girl is more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere. Chan really didn't lie when he proclaimed 3racha as 'hot'.

You shake your head with a timid smile tugged on your lips. "I don't think so Bin, I'm having midterms on Monday, J.One can be saved later as my midnight snack whenever I wanna grill his ass for pestering me during the golden hour aka 3a.m."

Midterms sound good enough for an excuse because everyone would literally kill keep their A-s on those report cards. But unfortunately, you can't just play on the infamous SpearB that easily because apparently, being roommates with Hyunjin has absolutely nothing to do with improving your awful acting skills.

Just then, the most inappropriate, insufferable, infuriating, and other synonyms for 'annoying' clapback clicks inside Changbin's brain when an imaginary lightbulb pops up at the top of his head. "Man, you two are really out there banging each other in secret—"

And out the door he goes before you feel the need to personally stitch up his lips with your terrible sewing skills from elementary school. You close your eyes and takes in a deep breath, shutting the door behind your back while Hyunjin is too busy laughing his ass off on the couch.

This is getting to the point where you don't even need Han Jisung to be here to have the urge to strangle him, because his trash friends are no help at all.

two.

You step onto the bus with your earbuds on, right hand dropping the bus ticket into the glass box that's neatly placed right beside the driver's seat. Another day, another 4 hours of lectures and 2 continuous shifts which is another 5 hours at the café on campus, in which, sucks. But, what makes it even suckier comes right in three, two, one..

"Two people please !" A disturbingly obnoxious voice chirps right behind you. Just then, a figure dashes through the couple who are currently throwing daggers at him with their eyes. Not this again. You groans to yourself before sliding an extra ticket into the box because you definitely know better than to mess with a cranky bus driver. That boy over there really gotta pay for that shit.

Then, you take a seat beside the window, deciding to ignore the pest who just made you spend an extra ticket for his ride. You really should have taken another bus instead of the 325. Suddenly, a hand reaches towards one of your earbuds and pulls it out quickly. A puff of air hits your left eardrums like a rush of electricity, causing you to jump a bit.

"Can you stay still for a good span of 10 fucking seconds ?" You deadpan and and snap your head around. And before you - with slightly damp fringe covering his warm brown orbs, cute button nose and peachy lips ( gross ) - is Han Jisung. More accurately, the bane of your existence.

Jisung chuckles loudly at the big scowl on your face as he angles his head to take a proper look at you. You look like you just rolled out of bed, literally, not even metaphorically. Sweatpants, flannels and sneakers are the way to go if you're gonna be on your feet all day running around to serve sleep-deprived students and professors. Of course you look like a complete bum, it's 9a.m. What did he expect ?

"Aw." He pouts. "Where's the fun in that then, little cub ?"

And when Jisung reaches a hand out to pat your head, you frowns at his particularly ridiculous nickname for you and slaps his hand away. He watched the new remake of 'The Lion King' before the new semester started and cried like a total baby when Mufasa fell off the cliff, said Felix. Honestly, you wouldn't blame him because those devastating thirty seconds remain to be the most heartbreaking scene that Disney has ever invented. But still, the nickname is painfully unoriginal.

"Man, I hope you bombed your midterms or something." You speak up flatly, a slightly better retort lingering at the tip of your tongue but you're far too tired to argue with him anyway. And not to mention, your previous statement is completely useless because if Hwang Hyunjin is that kid who works his ass off to get good grades then Jisung is the complete opposite of that. He can sleep through ten lectures and still get a minimum of 90% on his exams. The perks of being a prodigy since newborn, can't relate.

Jisung feigns a painful expression, scrunching his nose up in fake agony. "How supportive of you, so incredibly validating." He cocks his head upwards carelessly, giving you a full view of his side profile.

Okay. Despite his annoying personality and questionable nicknames for everyone then Han Jisung is kinda attractive. You get it, you get it, Hwang Hyunjin is attractive but this prick is another kind of attractive.

Whenever he screams his heart out at the mic on stage, there are literal silver and gold specks floating in his eyes like an explosion of stardust scattered across the whole universe. And the way he conveys his emotions into his lyrics to perform an entire song on stage is just tremendously remarkable. No wonder all the girls always come rushing in when J.One is on stage.

Wait, were you thinking about Han Jisung or J.One ? But no, Han Jisung is J.One. It's just that J.One is slightly cooler than Jisung because he doesn't pester people until they have a cardiac arrest. Whatever, your brain is already yelling for retirement.

"You are coming to watch my performance right ?" Jisung suddenly leans over, your noses almost touching. Being the idiotic person that you are, your body immediately locks itself in place, hissing slightly at the current proximity. Great, now what ?

"Ooh." A low whistle escapes his lips. "You were too busy checking me out. It's okay, that's understandable. Not everyone can have a close-up of J.One's out-of-this-world visual." He flips his imaginary long hair and you make a gagging noise.

"I was not !" You exclaim upon embarrassment, cheeks turning into a bright shade of coral. "There's just something in your teeth."

"Uh huh, I doubt it." Yeah, he would never buy that. Jisung smiles at you cheekily and once again, Han Jisung has proved that he's the kind of guy who has the particular type of smile that makes you want to knock their teeth out. Although you can't help but fall for it nonetheless. Very typical of you. "So, are you coming or nah ?"

Your heart tingles a bit, and you feel like you can just pass out right here right now on this stupid bus in the middle of this stupid conversation with his stupid boy and his stupid smile. "No, I have my midterms on Monday. Guess who's pulling all nighters again ?" You push his face away because if not, you might as well just explode and make a fool of yourself.

"Ahhhh, why not ?" Jisung whines as if there's no tomorrow. "It's not like you enjoy drowning yourself in Kang's 40 slides of 'History of Media 101' anyway." Now, for once in a fairly long time, the bastard finally said something that wasn't complete bullshit. And you're starting to reconsider your decision because although Han Jisung is undeniably insufferable, J.One can make it up with his dope performances. But then again, you really just don't want to see his face on Saturdays.

Suddenly he rolls himself over again, his lips drawing a devilish smile. You can tell already from the dangerous look in his eyes, it's not going to end well.

"Are you in for a bet ? If I win, you'll have to go. But if you win, I'll do whatever you want me to, for an entire week. You're basically the privileged one here, don't even deny it."

three.

Changbin wakes up from his long nap to find Chan having his eyes glued to the laptop's screen as if his life depends on it. It makes him wonder how long his friend has been working on the rearrangement of all their songs for this Saturday's music festival.

"I see that you're making quite the progress." He grunts slightly before sitting up straight. The small faux leather couch that their school has in the band practice room isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on. But after what seems like an eternity in the lecture hall, tolerating the professor's rant then Changbin wouldn't even mind sleeping on the floor.

Chan slowly peels his eyes away from the screen and blinks numerous times so that he won't potentially go blind. He looks over at Changbin's slouch figure on the couch, tapping away on his phone and smiles dumbly at some memes that Minho just DM-ed to their group chat.

"Damn right, I just finished chopping up the bits of back-up vocals. I feel like my back is so fragile that it might break in half if I stand up." He runs a hand through his mop of black hair that's nowhere near the definition of 'doable' and yawns into his other palm.

He peeks over his shoulder to see Hyunjin and Felix sleeping while leaning against the mirror, Minho laying on top of Jeongin as he chuckles creepily at his phone. And Woojin is too busy singing his heart out with his guitar in the corner to notice Seungmin capturing everyone in their greatest glory, meaning when they're all a hot mess.

Changbin swings his legs over and slips into his black Adidas slides, walking over to Chan in a sluggish manner. He crouches down a bit while squinting his eyes to take a proper look at the laptop screen. Chan indeed has finished most of it, no wonder he looks ( and probably smells ) like trash. "I'll give you a hand, just send these over to me after when you got home." He says, giving his friend a pat on his back.

"Yeah sure," Chan puts a hand over his mouth to cover up another yawn. "By the way, where the fuck is Jisung ? He hasn't been answering my texts all morning."

Changbin gives him an indifferent shrug. "He said he would be on campus all day on Thursdays since he has classes and work right after- hold on he's texting me."

[ 5:23pm ]

piece of shit : where are you guys ?

baby changbin : band room, clearly you never listened.

[ 5:24pm ]

piece of shit : yeesh, I was busy you ass. texting y/n and all.

baby changbin : it was fucking 3a.m. !

[ 5:25pm ]

piece of shit : whatever, we'll be there in two.

He pauses for a while and lets the words sink in. Why "we" and not "I" ? Since when this was a plural thing ? Did all of those lectures and serving sleep-deprived students fuck up his brain cells ?

Wow, now Changbin feels bold to assume that Han Jisung even own brain cells. And before he can show the texts to the rest of his friends to make fun of Jisung while he's not here, the glass door swings open. Hyunjin and Felix jolt up in surprise at the same time, almost bumping their heads together at the creaking sound.

"We got you kids boba, wake up wake up hurry hurry SCHNELL !" Jisung screeches loudly when he pushes himself through the front door, accidentally making you bump your forehead into the dull glass surface.

You follows him inside with a big scowl on your face, quickly passing Changbin the plastic bags. Yes, you can hear the polar bears crying in the distance loud and clear but unluckily you only have two hands for ten cups of boba.

"Why boba all of a sudden ?" Minho looks up from his phone in boredom as Jeongin is utterly dying underneath, slapping his palm repeatedly against the floor in exhaustion.

Minho feels ( kinda ) bad for him and decides to roll himself over, setting Jeongin free from his miserable state. "Did you two go on a date or something ?" The youngest one's features morph into a frown, eyeing the two up and down in caution when he crosses his legs together.

You make an unimpressed face and glares at Jisung, who's currently hogging the entire black couch on his own. "Who the fuck would make their date carry everything then ? You tell me Jeongin."

Woojin stands up after craning his neck and shakes his head in disapproval. "My greatest disappointment, Han Jisung, would do that unfortunately." He walks over to Felix and Hyunjin to get himself a cup from the bag.

"Let's be honest, you'd still date him even if he does that anyway. I haven never seen any other girl who has the courage to personally rummage through his disastrous closet just to steal a hoodie." He takes a sip and smirks at the black hoodie that you're wearing. Woojin thinks you should definitely give yourself more credit because personally, he can't be bothered to step into Jisung's room, much less his closet.

You're still slightly confused for a moment there but quickly look down and almost gasp in realization. "I can explain—"

"Don't worry Y/N, if he ever mistreats you, you best believe that he's not gonna see tomorrow's daylight." Felix supplies unhelpfully over a mouthful of boba. Since when did he become such a nuisance ? But he's not entirely wrong because if no one volunteers to skin Jisung alive when he leaves you with a broken heart then Hyunjin will literally disown him. He doesn't care if it's legal or not because even a law student like Woojin would be on his side in this.

You hold up your hand defeatedly. "The jerk purposely left it on my couch back at the apartment. And Hyunjin didn't want to return nor wash it so I was obligated to do that myself. Eventually, the hoodie just ended up on a hanger right behind my bedroom door. Not to mention, I was running late earlier and had nothing to wear." You finish your sentence, realizing that your roommate has been giving you a 'wtf' face all his time.

"Out of reasons already ?" Chan chirps, raising a dark brow.

Okay.

In your defense, it's a goddamn good hoodie. The material is actually really nice that you might accidentally fall asleep if you wear this to class. You didn't mind the design on it either, kinda boyish but very funky, almost hippie looking. And last but not least, the smell of it is intoxicating, leaving you yearning for more. That's also equivalent to Jisung smells nice ( ew ) and your cheeks automatically heat up at the thought of feeling like he's hugging you whenever you wear it.

You frantically try to explain with expressive hands. "Look, guys—"

"You're going this Saturday !!" Jisung's voice suddenly booms behind your back as he declares loudly like it's the most worth-knowing thing in the whole wide world. The guys trade confused look with each other, not knowing what nonsense their friend is babbling about. Whatever, they don't have to either way. "You're going, you're going, you're going !"

You look over at Hyunjin's cup in disbelief, completely full and untouched. Meanwhile, Felix has already finished his drink in between the 15-minute conversation. You blinks and quickly comprehends the new amount of information, you lost the bet. Which means...

Screw midterms.

four.

Screw the music festival, you’re not going anywhere.

“How’s this ?” Hyunjin steps out from his room with a white dress shirt tucked inside his skinny jeans. And you hate him even more now because your roommate looks totally #boyfriendmaterial in every outfit that he’s been trying for the past half an hour. Really, Hyunjin should give himself more credit for his looks because you bet girls would still throw themselves at him even if he showed up to school looking homeless and all.

You look up from your phone in boredom. “Looks good to me.”

Upon your flat reply, Hyunjin shoots you a glare. “Good ? It only stops there at ‘good’ ? Then which item in my closet appeals to you as ‘spectacular’ or ‘breathtaking’ ? Should I just hire a personal stylist or something ?” He wants to snap at you but ends up whining like a elementary school kid that’s not allowed to drink his favorite soda from the vending machine.

“Dude, eat a chill pill.” You frown slightly at his particularly dramatic ass ( tsk, drama majors ) and decide to put your phone down. “You’re going to a music festival, at uni. Not attending some kind of award shows for celebrities.”

Hyunjin snickers before clicking his tongue. “And you’re planning on wearing that ?”

Your roommate is stressing himself over being overdressed for an event. You, on the other hand, haven’t even made up your mind about an outfit yet and your plus-one is picking you up in less than 30 minutes. And you’re still here, on the couch, in your pyjamas. Call it madness but personally, you wouldn’t mind wearing this to the music festival. Music is technically art in some kind of shape or form and only uncultured swines judge those who prefer being comfy over fashionable.

Come on, it’s art. Your pyjamas can express yourself in some sort of way right ?

“Stop shitting on my Mickey Mouse sweatpants as if it’s something straight out of the 1910s.” You protest, urging to throw the jar filled with gummy bear on the coffee table at his precious face. Mickey is definitely not going anywhere since you guys have been bonding since middle school.

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of his track going back into his room. Suddenly he turns around and smiles at you creepily. “It’s Jisung, isn’t it ?”

Yeah, no. Most definitely not. Still not him. Nuh uh. Okay… Maybe it’s because you don’t want to embarrass your plus-one because he’s also a total heartthrob. Maybe, it could be something about the fact that you’re afraid you’re not gonna look as good as your roommate. Or maybe it’s something inside the can of Redbull that you downed last night while rewatching the last episode of ‘Goblin’. You don’t even like Redbull.

Shit, you’re running out of excuses already.

“Actually, I was thinking that it’d be better if I didn’t show up.” You confess timidly, scared to meet Hyunjin’s confused expression.

When you gather enough courage to look up, he looks absolutely unimpressed and partially disappointed. “And you’re just gonna rain-check on Choi Yeonjun like that ? Changbin’s not letting this slide, I’ll tell you that.” He shakes his head in disapproval, this time turning on his heels to walk towards his bedroom door.

Something inside your stomach is tickling, as if it’s trying to tell you that you’re about to commit some kind of unforgivable sin if you don’t go to the festival. And just when you’re about to ignore it and wrap yourself up warmly on the L-shaped couch like the lazy bum that you are, your phone buzzes.

[ 4:24pm ]

yeonjun | I’ll be there in five.

five.

Only losers go to a music festival without a plus-one.

Hyunjin is one lucky bastard because Seungmin is tolerating his ass for the day. Meanwhile, Woojin is too busy pestering Felix to let him sneak into backstage looking for Changbin. And by now, everyone probably knows that Minho is secretly obsessed with Jeongin since he's decided to stick himself to the youngest like the spoiled parasite that he is. But that's not the point. Point is : you're terrible at navigation so you're obligated to get yourself a plus-one.

And he just happens to be Choi Yeonjun, that one business major who's secretly a dancer that left everyone's wig flying to Africa during last year's prom. You two have walked past each other before between periods and since he's an acquaintance of Changbin, he'd always wave back at you with the sweetest smile. You see him as a fun person to be around, kinda like a sunshine.

But what you didn't know is that, if your group of friend's chaotic energy is 3000, then Yeonjun alone is already on another level.

"Why the long face Y/N ? Enjoy the music, relax, let the night set you free !" Yeonjun chuckles at the frown on your face as he swings an arm over your shoulder. You can already tell that he's getting a bit tipsy from his tinted red cheeks and his breath smells like beer. Never knew the guy couldn't go heavy with his alcohol. Much like your roommate himself.

You peel the red plastic cup away from his hand to abandon it on some random table, dragging him away from the bar before his friend - Beomgyu, offers him some kind of sketchy looking drink. The kid is only a freshman and you feel like you should strangle the person who permitted him to be the bartender for the night.

"Alright, that's enough beer for you." You tell him mild-seriously, partially because you don't want him to end up knocked out in the middle of nowhere and partially because you can't contain someone who's drunk, not even yourself. "Let's find Soobin, I bet he's running around campus looking for your ass."

"What do you mean he's looking for my ass ? He's at home playing stupid boardgames with stupid Taehyun." Yeonjun slurs, shaking the haziness away furiously before fluttering his eyes upwards. "Look !" He squeals a little bit too loudly for anyone's liking. "It's your boyfriend !"

You abruptly put your index finger on his lips. "Shh shhh ! Han Jisung is not my boyfriend ! Watch your mouth, please, I beg." You hush him and glance around to look for any signs of Hyunjin or Felix popping out from a random bush to make fun of you. "We're barely friends, why would you think that we're dating ?!" You cry dramatically, cheeks burning with a bright shade of pink.

The blue haired boy makes a thinking face, which you think it's undeniably cute, before pointing towards the stage. "Because he's looking at you ?" He says cluelessly, giggling while clapping happily like a seal.

You unconsciously lift your head to eye the stage. Time seems to stop when you realize Jisung has been staring at you all this time. His expression is unfathomable. Your heart starts thundering loudly inside your rib cage, so loud that it overcomes the loud EDM music in the background, so loud that you're afraid he might hear it even when he's so far away.

In this light, in the middle of your chaos, there is Jisung. And he's absolutely otherworldly, radiant, dazzling, coruscating. Gosh, you can go on forever if your brain cells allow you to.

The moment he breaks eye contact, that's when you're pondering over who is it that your heart is beating for. Han Jisung ? Or is it just J.One ? Because you've seen Jisung as a total pest who never takes things seriously, who always makes you pay an extra ticket for his ride to uni, who spontaneously sends you derp pictures of him in the middle of a lecture. But no matter where you go, he would constantly pop up inside your mind out of nowhere. Like a phantom.

Suddenly, Chan's voice booms through the speaker, making you jump. "The performance of 3racha will be delayed due to technical errors. We apologize for this inconvenience." You stand there dumbly, blinking numerous times for his words to sink in. The question here isn't really 'what?' but 'why?'. 3racha take music very seriously and they're not the type to slack off any performances even if it's just for a school's small event.

You snap your head back to the stage, Chan and Changbin are talking to a technical staff, an apologetic smile blooming on their faces. But wait, where the fuck is Jisung ?

"Told ya !" Yeonjun hiccups into your ear. "What kind of non-boyfriend will cancel a performance just to come and see you like this ?" You should have gone with Hyunjin, you really should.. You bet he's not even half as drunk a Yeonjun right now since all Seungmin drinks is kombucha.

Unexpectedly, and also expectedly, you find yourself staring at Jisung, who's speed-walking towards your direction, like a complete dumbass. There's fire flickering at the back of his irises, burning intensely onto you. His brows are knitted together, his jacket hanging slightly over his shoulder, teasing you with a flash of his biceps. You also notice how the microphone is still there, in his hand.

Did he fucking leave the stage just to see you ?

Jisung breathes out a puff of smoke from the chilly air. "Y/N, got you."

Your heart actually feels like it’s hanging on the edges when your name rolls off his tongue so tenderly. "And you are ?" He looks over at Yeonjun with an almost disgusted expression, his hand instinctively reaching for yours. You don't blame him either way because Yeonjun looks like he just made it out of one of the world's most traumatizing lunatic asylum with shitty security. And Jisung wouldn't let you walk around with a crazy guy attached to you like a total creep. Not when he's monitoring.

“Y/N’s plus-one ?”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Yeonjun holds his hands up as if he's being held at gunpoint. "Easy, dude, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. She's all yours." He laughs, sounding almost too nervous to be true because Jisung is somewhat scary whenever someone gets on his bad side. Just ask Highschool Hyunjin.

"You're wasted as fuck, what makes you think that I'll let you go home alone like this ?" You say, flinching slightly when you feel Jisung tightens his grip on your hand. He cocks a brow as if he's testing you.

"Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna swing by the bar, Beomgyu probably came up with something to knock me out." Without a proper goodbye nor a hug like his normally playful self usually does, the blue haired boy turns on his heels to walk away from the scene. And you exhale deeply out of relief, not because you hated Yeonjun's company, you might actually hang out with him again. Just not where there's alcohol.

Jisung still hasn't let go of your hand yet, and surprisingly, you don't want him to. "I take that as you two aren't dating ?" He questions, studying your features more closely. You're really pretty, he thinks. Jisung has never once hesitant about using the word 'pretty' for you and he's not afraid to show it either. It's just that you never bothered to notice.

"No ? Hyunjin decided to ditch me for Seungmin and Yeonjun's a mutual friend through Changbin so we texted, and he picked me up after when Hyunjin left." You give him a weird look, confused by how pissed off he looks right now. "And I take that as you're jealous ?"

Jisung laughs humorously, his voice doused in dry sarcasm. "Huh, funny. Last time I checked, you were supposed to be backstage with me since you lost the bet, not clinging yourself onto some hot guy from Changbin's Biochem 101." Of course Jisung is pissed off. How could he not when you're all smiling and laughing with another guy, when he has an arm over your shoulder, holding you so lovingly, so tightly ? Another guy that's not him.

You widen your eyes at how ridiculous he sounds, almost in disbelief. "Excuse you ? Since when 'being backstage with you' was even a thing in our bet ?" Yeah, completely unheard of. "And I was not clinging onto him, I'll have you know that he chugged on a bottle of Hennie and ended up wobbling around like a fucking toddler !"

Your voice is getting louder and louder by the second, chest heaving up and down in anger because he is in fact, being extra insufferable tonight. You haven’t seen him acting like this since he officially declared cold war with Hyunjin back in junior year highschool.

"Oh yeah ? Then what ? You liked that ? It makes me sick to the stomach seeing you giggling at one of his stupid jokes. You seemed so fucking comfortable even when he's this close ?" Jisung tugs in your arm to pull you closer, his cool breath fanning your forehead. Your cheeks unknowingly feel hot, but you're not going to admit it to his face. "You're completely okay with this ?"

You grimace a stiff smile. "Of course I am." Oh boy were you wrong.

"Even now ?" He places his hands over your shoulder to bend down, angling his face so that the tip of his nose is brushing over yours. His gaze pierces right through you, leaving you completely stripped and vulnerable. And you hate every single part of this. You hate how you heart is swelling, how his touches burn like fire, how much effect he has on you with such minimal effort.

Jisung says with a devilish smirk blooming on his lips. "Hmm ? I don't know Y/N, you look pretty burnt up to me."

"It's because of the heat—" You instantly regret what you said when it starts to rain. Droplets of water repeatedly tap against your skin like clear champagne. A cloud shadows over you two and another splatter of rain comes along. Goosebumps rise on your skin at the cool sensation as your limbs lock themselves in place. Jisung has never broken eye contact with yours since then, specks of good and silver floating in his eyes like a brilliant explosion of a supernova.

Just when you thought your lips was gonna collide, something unexpected happens. Jisung takes off his jacket and swings it over your shoulders. He gently holds you by the waist as he hurries you inside, your gaze never once leaves his features. He's saying something but you can't quite catch it, it's hard to concentrate when he's being all affectionate and sweet to you like this.

You are far too busy telling your heart not to explode.

six.

Felix stomps over to your table and slams his tray of food down aggressively. Everyone peels their eyes off what they’re doing for the time being, throwing a weird look towards him. With a satisfied smile on his face, Felix drops his notebook onto the table. Changbin glances at him with an expressionless face, almost yawned in boredom. “And how did it go again ?” He drawls tiredly as if he has heard the same joke over and over for an entire week.

“You know that feeling when you feel like you’re completely detached from your own body and just stare at yourself from above ? I was up there, mind blank while my mouth couldn’t stop blabbering about what ever the fuck was on those slides. I ditched my Flashcards, completely untouched, 5 minutes has never flown by so quick. Boom, the professor didn’t even think twice about giving me an A.” Felix leans back on his chair comfortably after wrapping up his story.

Seungmin scrunches his nose at his friend. “Yeah sure, it’s an A. Big fucking deal.” Kim Seungmin basically has a full scholarship straight to college in the middle of his senior highschool year, you can say that he has the right to be unimpressed.

Minho shrugs indifferently, scrolling through his feed to kill some time. “It is for Yongbok apparently, give him a break. You know he hardly gets any when his brain only consists of Seo Changbin and Fortnite.”

Felix hisses at the older boy like a cat when you accidentally step on its tail, threatening to gouge out one of his eyes with the plastic fork on his hand. Minho being on his ass 24/7 just makes college that much more of a hellhole. He can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance because no one is even trying to spare a ‘Good job’ or ‘Good for you’. He might actually need new friends, Felix ponders.

But wait, something’s missing.

Jisung didn’t even try to make fun of him. And he never missed a single chance to pester him or call him out every time he’s all giddy over good grades. In other words, his secret life as a potential nerd has been foiled thanks to Han Jisung. But apparently, girls find it hot when a nerd is secretly a dancer.

He looks over to his friend and frowns furiously. A hood thrown over his head, eyes glued to his laptop screen, Jisung looks extra antisocial today and Felix can feel something’s off because he would be jumping around, yelling into your ears by now, not making a PowerPoint presentation. “What’s wrong with you two ?” He asks, noticing how you’re also acting strange.

You’re mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, and stop abruptly at a new post from @j.one. It’s a picture of Jisung grinning while gripping on a microphone followed by a caption “Always have so much fun performing w/ my bros, @spearB & @cb97 - photo by @princehwang #SocialSaturday”.

You almost snickered, feeling the need to change it into “#TBT”. Not only because this photo was taken months ago for a summer music festival nearby Uni, but also because this bright side of Han Jisung no longer exists. He hardly talked to you since Saturday, ignored you when you made eye-contact with him on the hallways, didn’t even ask you to pay for his ride.

Basically, he’s making a fuss out of nothing. But you wouldn’t say that it feels good not having him call you ‘little cub’ 50 times a day or send you random messages during a lecture like ‘go out with me ?’. You never take them seriously anyway because he can’t like you just like that, right ? “Ask him, not me.” You raise a brow towards Jisung, earning a glare from him as a reply. “I’m not the one who’s being petty over me going to a music festival with Choi Yeonjun.”

Jisung sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop close. “Is that all you got ?” He inquires sarcastically as if he’s gonna set you on fire if you dare to try him.

“That’s what I said the first time we played Mario Kart together, isn’t it ? I totally kicked your ass, to the curb.” ��You protest as the blood running through your veins slowly boils. If it weren’t for Hyunjin to hold your shoulders in place, you would have thrown hands at Jisung.

Jisung slams his hands onto the surface of the table harshly, almost knocked the whole table over. “Yeah, that’s why Chan never lets you drive because you’re exactly the reason for all of our wild turbulence. Because you suck at driving !”

You feel like you’re being held in a chokehold, literally and metaphorically because you can’t even drag Jisung down to the very bottom of Hell when you’re fully capable of doing that. Not before you kill him with your bare hands.

“I mean one of us had to have the guts to drive everyone back after a party where y’all got fucking wasted. College parties are so lit, they say. Who the fuck does three keg stands in a row just to run around the neighborhood shirtless later on ?!” You clatter loudly, earning a ‘wtf’ look from the students at the opposite table.

“Who wants another milkshake ? It’s on me.” Woojin interrupts the two of you, already pulling out his wallet in a rush.

Jisung’s ears automatically turn red, and you smirk at the sight of his pink cheeks upon both embarrassment and anger. “What did you just say ?”

“Ten milkshakes it is.” Chan drags Woojin out of his seat and the two of them helplessly walk towards the canteen cashier from across your table. He’s already given up, you can tell. Because if not, he would just personally hang Jisung upside down on a tree ( his natural habitat ) so that he can cool down before he said something he’d definitely regret later.

You push Hyunjin away and stand up right, staring at Jisung dead in the eye. “What’s wrong ? Cat got your tongue ?” Are you finally getting back at him ? Is this how victory taste like ?

“Say that again and I’m gonna— ugh ! Christ, I hate you !” Jisung sounds like he’s on the verge of exploding and you’re absolutely enjoying every single moment of this.

You mock him in amusement. “You’re gonna what ?”

“I’m gonna fucking kiss—“

Before Jisung could finish his sentence, Minho pulls his friend backwards and Jisung once again lands on his bottom, onto the wooden bench. “Okay, I don’t wanna ruin the heat but at least spare some of your sanity for the sake of publicity, yeah ? You know, if you guys wanna make out that bad, there’s always a restroom.”

Sanity ? For the sake of publicity ? Well, that changes everything. “WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUT LEE MINHO YOU FUCKING BASTARD ! DON’T MAKE ME KNOCK KNOCK UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH-“ You’ve come to a decision that if Han Jisung doesn’t end up somewhere six feet under the ground, then Lee Minho - aka his best friend - is taking his bullet for today.

“Woah woah, Y/N, easy girl, easy.” Hyunjin holds you back with both hands. Okay, he gets why Jeongin doesn’t want to come over whenever you and Jisung are breathing in the same room now.

Jeongin scrunches his nose as he obnoxiously chews on his tuna sandwich. “Yeah, you guys need to cool down a little bit. You know, just chill out. That’s enough for your ‘friendly banter’, let the others enjoy their lunch in peace, will you ?”

You and Jisung continuously give each other death stares for the rest of your lunch break. Even when Chan and Woojin come rushing back with five cups of milkshakes each, even when it’s your favorite flavor in the entire world, it can never put out the fire of wrath that’s burning furiously deep inside. All you want to do is to have Han Jisung down on his knees and beg you for his life like how King Stefan did to Maleficent. The only difference is that Jisung actually doesn’t have a daughter.

Is that too much to ask for ?

seven.

[ 2:35pm ]

yeonjun | hey, I need to talk to you…

yeonjun | nearby café after school ? I can just wait if you’re getting out late.

You read the message on your way out of the lecture hall and widen your eyes. The hour displayed on your screen reads ‘3:45pm’. You immediately push your way through the crowd of sweaty students and run down the hallway like a psychopath. God, Yeonjun has been sitting alone at the café like a complete fool just because of you. Now you feel like a terrible human being.

“Woah, where are you going in such a hurry ?” Hyunjin yells at you loudly when you brush past him and Jeongin.

You hastily shout back at him before continuing to run. “Don’t wait for me ! Just spare me some left over !”

When you arrive at the café, you feel like you should give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you don't think you’ve ever run that fast before in your entire life. Not even for the marathon competitions during middle school.

And the café looks somewhat different today, something smells weird too, you notice. Then you realize that they just repainted the whole thing, replacing the old teal blue color into a warmer brownish color. The walls and windows are decorated with fairy lights, like a cherry on a sundae, it’s perfect for the upcoming winter break. Because students aren’t just gonna come here for the caffeine, they’re gonna hog this place for themselves sooner or later to get at least one aesthetic photo for the holiday.

You quickly spot Yeonjun sitting alone in the color while having his headphones on, slowly dozing off to the music. His cup of iced macchiato remains untouched with water dipping on the sides. A pang of guilt hits you almost instantly when you start walking towards his direction. As you sit down on the opposite seat, Yeonjun suddenly startles and shakes his sleepiness away.

“Hey, I’m so sorry, my phone was off all day.” You say with an apologetic smile on your face, feeling the guilt keeps piling onto your shoulders. “You could just leave or something, I wouldn’t be mad.”

Yeonjun removes his headphones and laughs slightly, scratching the nape of his neck. “It’s fine,” He waves his hands at you to tell you that everything’s okay. “I really need that short nap after all. God, I was dreading my neuroscience assignment all day. But hey, I really need to talk to you, that’s why I was so determined to wait.”

“Don’t even, Yeonjun. You could have just gone home and rest.” You shake your head at him in defeat. You swear to God, he’s too kind. “What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me so badly ?” You ask while flipping through the menu. The weather has been pretty chilly lately, it might be nice to have a hot chocolate.

Yeonjun’s ears turn red at your words and he starts to dart his eyes around, scared to meet your eyes. “I— uhm, look, I just—“ He stammers with tinted pink cheeks, which you find ridiculously adorable. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on Saturday.” He manages to squeak out and you have to hold back the urge to laugh. “I shouldn't have drunk that much beer, right ? You should feel lucky that I left you with your boyfriend because I may or may not have thrown up all over Beomgyu. He almost kicked me off a cliff, I’m not overexaggerating, I swear.”

That’s not true. Yeonjun should be the one who needs to feel lucky because not only didn’t Beomgyu leave him on some random sidewalks, he personally called Taehyun to bring him extra clothes and had an Uber to get them three back home before midnight. He knows Beomgyu is too utterly soft for him to murder him in his sleep anyway.

You smile at him before waving the waiter boy over to punch in your order. “Choi Yeonjun, it’s fine, really. You’re so much fun to hang around. But next time, no more beer for you, get it ?” Upon your teasing, he lets out a nervous chuckle. And little did you know, he’s planning on telling you something much, much more horrendous. “And how many times do I need to tell you that Jisung is not my boyfriend ?”

“Just not yet.” He corrects you, and you’re stuck between the ideas of strangling Han Jisung and throwing Choi Yeonjun off a cliff. Or maybe both. “You guys caused quite the scene during lunch break. You two bickered like an old married couple. Not to mention, you’ve probably ended up on everyone’s social medial by now.”

Your eyes widen in terror. A tape of you, and Han Jisung yelling at each other at the top of your lungs is on the Internet. Since a young age, you’ve come to realize that nothing on the internet ever really goes away. And that thought scares you shitless. Great, now everyone will think of you two as that one loud couple who always argue over stupid things. “I’m so fucking screwed— give me a sec, someone’s texting me.”

[ 4:12 pm ]

han | where are you ?

y/n | why would that matter ?

han | you’re on a date right ? with him.

y/n | han jisung are you watching me ? wtf you creep !?

[ 4:13pm ]

han | do you like him ?

han | just answer me honestly for once.

y/n | so you ARE jealous. hah, busted.

But wait, why would he be jealous ? That makes no sense.

[ 4:14pm ]

han | so what if i’m jealous ?

Your heart stops as a small ‘huh?’ escapes your lips. Yeonjun looks at you with a confused expression, almost develops a mild interest in what made you so flustered. But he guessed it either way because it’s too obvious who’s the only person that has this kind of effect on you.

han | i was the one who asked you out first, it’s not fair !

y/n | ...

y/n | hey, are you drunk ?

[ 4:15pm ]

han | i’m as sober as i can be, enjoy your pretty little date y/n.

When everything’s already a mess, when you’re at a loss for words, Hyunjin’s abrupt call is something else more than just fuel to the fire. “Y/N ! Have you seen Jisung ?” Your roommate sounds alarmed on the other end and your stomach automatically twists into a knot.

“No, I haven’t seen him since lunch… why ?” The uneasy feeling has been ghosting your gut since you received the questionable texts from Jisung, and you’re afraid to hear what Hyunjin’s gonna say next. “What’s wrong ? What happened to him ?” You bombard him with questions after questions, fiddling your fingers nervously in fear.

Yeonjun quickly senses something’s off and reaches his hand outwards. He places his hand over yours gently, rubbing little circles to remind you to calm down. There are a thousand bad scenarios running through your mind like lightning of what could have happened to Jisung. What if he’s about to do something stupid ? What if he’s hurting, and no one ever asked ? What if… it’s all because of you ?

“Hyunjin, just fucking answer me !” You almost snapped, finding the silence on the other line extremely disturbing.

He replies breathlessly, as if he’s already given up. “He’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone ?” You can’t believe your own ears at this point.

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have a mental breakdown. “Changbin said he hadn’t been home when his shift was supposed to end at 3. Chan said he wasn’t on campus either, nor the band room. We’ve checked everywhere, not his house, not the usual boba place, not even his favorite get-away spots. He ran away, Y/N, no one knows why. And I’m scared..” Your heart instantly drops to the pit of your stomach.

Not even his favorite get-away spots.. We’ve checked everywhere.

But Jisung would never tell them about all of his get-away spots.

eight.

Jisung unlocks his phone and sees several missed calls from his group of friends along with endless texts but his eyes only linger on some particular ones.

[ 7:23pm ]

y/n | can we just talk this out ?

y/n | this is so fucking childish of you.

y/n | I don’t care if you want to kick me out of your life.

y/n | I’m coming for you.

Jisung doesn’t know whether he should be crying or laughing. Basically, he’s emotionally restrained.

Because apparently, life is preposterous. One moment you’re laughing while being pissed off when he annoys the heck out of you. Then later you would ditch him to have yourself wrapped around another guy’s arms. Hours ago, you were on the edge of pushing his limits into the unknown and now you’re being all concerned and worried about him. He feels mildly exasperated partially because you’re playing with his heart, and partially because he allows you to do that.

He has been watching you from behind all this time. He always has so much on his mind that keeps him awake at nights but never really knows how to convey his feelings for you into words. Maybe that’s why J.One can only write love songs in vain. So being the genius person that he is, he thought ( and still think ) that the only way to approach you was to make fun of you. He can only call you questionable nicknames all day because he doesn’t have the heart to actually call you ‘babe’ in a genuine way. He would always end up spitting out something less than appropriate or stick his nose into your business because he can never fathom the courage to say a simple ‘I love you’. Yes, Jisung knows that he’s a coward for making such excuses but the thought of putting his heart into someone else’s hand scares him shitless. Not that he has never gone through a heartbreak before but the scars never really go away.

Honestly, Jisung has never thought that he would end up liking you this much. He still vividly remembers the day that you two met for the first time. It was freshman year highschool, he got signed up for a role in the drama club at the time being thanks to Hyunjin and suddenly he saw you sitting alone in a corner, struggling over a piece of prop for the set.

Even when it’s the awkward phase, you took his breath right away like ‘whoosh’, leaving him utterly speechless when your eyes collide. From then on, you’re the ‘nothing’ that people ask him about whenever he looks like he’s spacing out. You’re the only thing that keeps lingering in his mind, impossible to forget. He finally understands why people are always so giddy about their crush because once you like someone, everything changes. Like how your smile seems to be even brighter than the Sun, how your goofy laugh feels like music to his ears, or how every little thing that you do affects him way too damn much. Woah, he understands why his group of friends said that he’s so whipped for you now.

Jisung doesn’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. He really doesn’t. He hates how you keep switching between ‘the Y/N who hates Jisung with passion’ and ‘the Y/N who genuinely worries about Jisung’. It drives him nuts not knowing how you really feel about him. Jisung swipes his index finger upwards and presses the ‘Airplane Mode’ button from the Control Center settings. He can’t afford having Chan or Minho screaming directly at his ears after when he ran away like that. Maybe he is childish after all.

“Han Jisung !”

Jisung snaps his head backwards to find you standing there, disheveled hair, hands supporting on your knees with a glint of fierceness in your eyes. With the dim source of light from the Moon, you’re glowing under all of the sentimental glory that leaves him completely flustered. He’s really predictable, he thinks. Of course you’d know that he would end up choosing the park where he used to hang out with Seungmin since kindergarten. It’s also where he bawled his eyes out after his first breakup, having you rub little circles on his back and tell him that everything’s gonna be alright.

“What are you doing here ?” He asks soullessly although his heart his yelling at him to fall into your embrace.

“I told you, didn’t I ?” You say, breaths growing more even by the seconds. “I’m coming for you, I don’t care if you’re gonna kick me out of your life because I’m not allowing that.”

Jisung snickers, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “You rain-checked on Choi Yeonjun just like that ? Aren’t you afraid that he’s gonna break up with you tomorrow after finding you that you’re rummaging through the entire city to look for me, an absolute bastard who never leaves well enough alone ?”

You shoot him a stern look, brows slightly furrowed. “You didn’t let me finish, how rude. I’m trying to prove a point, don’t you see ? If I really didn’t give two fucks about you then why would I be here ? If I was really dating Choi Yeonjun then I could have just stayed at home and cuddled with him until Hyunjin kicked him out of our apartment. It’s been almost three hours, Jisung. Three fucking hours. I was running from place to place like a psychopath, got lost on some random streets, just to find you. Yes, just for you.”

He squints his eyes at you skeptically. “And your point is ?”

“I care about you.” You don’t even need to consider anything at this point and that has Jisung’s jaw dropped to the ground. “I could never hate you, even if I do, I can’t hate you for the rest of my life for my own good. Even when you call me ‘little cub’ fifty times a day, even when you make me pay for your ride, even when we almost threw hands at each other during lunch break, my feelings for you never change. Not even one bit.” You state confidently, taking long strides towards him.

Jisung looks at you with a blank expression, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I don’t know Y/N. You’re a fucking hot mess. For all I know, you second-guessed most of your decisions in life. What if you decided to pull—“ That’s it, you’re not enduring his ‘what if’-s bullshit any longer.

Without a word, you grab Jisung by the collar and pull him flush against you. When your lips collide with his, it feels like you’re being sent to the Moon and back continuously. Sparks of joy, lust, and mixed emotions ignite inside his heart when you trace your tongue over his then it explodes like a firework that lights up the eerie darkness effortlessly. Jisung slowly gives in and melts into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist to hold you closer, feeling your warmth radiating off on his flannels. You’re the first one to pull away, hands trailing behind the nape of his neck. “I can say that giving away my first kiss is enough to prove that the only thing I’ve never second-guessed was liking you.” You say breathlessly, trying to ignore the rouge on your cheeks.

“I am your first kiss ?” He widens his eyes slightly.

You scoff at him while trying to act casual. “Be grateful at least you brat.” Jisung chuckles softly at you, slightly taken aback at your bold action as the feeling of your lips on his chills him to the bones. “Point taken.” At that moment, you quickly realize how his warm brown eyes hold their own galaxy with the stars shining so brightly that makes your heart swell. At that moment, you also realize that Jisung is your Sun because his smile alone can light up the whole celestial sphere. Meanwhile you’re his Moon because no matter what happens, you’ll always be here to brighten him up on the darkest of days.

And you both know that as long as you have each other, you will forever be radiant.

935 notes · View notes

rsadelle · 4 years ago

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The best books I read in 2020

I read 167 books in 2020, which is a little more than one and a half times as many as I read in 2019. (I had a crisis of counting at one point when I read a string of novellas, but ultimately came down on the side of if I can check out the ebook from the library as a single volume, then it counts as a book for the purposes of my list.) Only ten of those are books I reread, which is a fairly low reread number/percentage for me. The large number of books I read this year made it extra difficult to narrow down a small number of the best ones, which is why this list is longer than in previous years. It is, in fact, long enough that I have put it behind a cut to spare your dash.

Top 11 fiction books/series I read for the first time in 2020

Bread Alone trilogy (Bread Alone, The Baker's Apprentice, and Baker's Blues) by Judith Ryan Hendricks - I so enjoyed this trilogy about bread baking and figuring out your life and building a home/community and love. I read it at the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone was baking bread, and it was one of those things I was sad to finish because I didn't want to leave the characters.

Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson - I have read a lot of suburban housewife with a secret books over the last couple of years. This was an excellent example of the genre with the good use of a thematic motif and a second secret reveal after you learn what you think is the biggest secret. Content notes: I had to skim a few chapters because of the large amount of weight and disordered eating content (which is relevant to the character), and there is sexual abuse of a young teenager by an adult as part of the story.

The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin - This was such an interesting concept and done so well. It was one of the most popular books my sci fi book club read this year, and the New Yorker in our group said it was her favorite New York book ever. The most disappointing part of this book is that it's the first book in a trilogy and the other books haven't been published yet. Content notes: eldritch horror and realistic racism.

The Sci-Regency Series (My Fair Captain, The Englor Affair, My Regelence Rake, Diplomatic Relations, and My Highland Laird) by J.L. Langley - The delightfully ludicrous premise of this series is that there is a gay Regency society in space, which makes for some really fun romances. I've loved this series for over a decade, and I was thrilled to reread the first three books before reading the two new books that came out this summer. I recommend reading the novels in order, as there is an overarching plot involving the Intergalactic Navy that is interesting and ongoing without overshadowing the romances. Content note: these are on the erotica end of the romance spectrum, which means they have very explicit sex scenes. I wrote a lot more about this series in a Yuletide promo post comment.

The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo - I was so sad to finish this book! I have read a lot of commercial/literary fiction about families in the past few years, and this might be my favorite. I found the characters really compelling and enjoyed seeing their differing perspectives. I didn't want to leave this family.

Throne of Glass series (Throne of Glass, Crown of Midnight, Heir of Fire, Queen of Shadows, Empire of Storms, Tower of Dawn, and Kingdom of Ash) by Sarah J. Maas - This YA fantasy series shouldn't work given its constant escalation, and yet, somehow it does. I greatly enjoyed it, and I cried more than once at the last book. This is a series where I recommend not reading anything about future books until you've read all the books before them so you can enjoy the continual reveals. These are very much genre novels, and if you don't like the genre, these books will not be for you. Content note: there is a lot of genre-typical violence.

The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai - I admit that I was mildly skeptical about this book given that what I knew about it was that it was a story about the AIDS epidemic where one of the two timelines is about a woman trying to reconnect with her daughter, but I ended up loving it. The two alternating timelines fit together beautifully, and I thought it did a good job of not eliding the horror of the AIDS epidemic experienced by the gay community in favor of the straight woman's experience. I do remain skeptical of how many awards it won; while it was a genuinely excellent book, I also know that awards bodies love dead queer people.

We Set the Dark on Fire and We Unleash the Merciless Storm by Tehlor Kay Mejia - I loved this YA dystopianish (more cultural class divide than apocalypse or singular villain in control) duology about queer women falling in love while working toward revolution. The world building was good, the plot was good, and the romance was good.

Sisters of the Vast Black by Lina Rather - This novella about an order of nuns who travel through space in an organic slug-like spaceship was absolutely wonderful. It deals with issues of faith, purpose, central control, and doing what you can to make the world a better place.

Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson - I loved this YA novel in a sort of Regency-ish setting about a girl who grew up in a library full of magic books and her dealings with some sorcerers, complete with a romance. Content note: attempted mental coercion and institutionalization.

The Wren Hunt and The Wickerlight by Mary Watson - This is a YA duology about rival druid groups in modern day Ireland. I found both books totally compelling with interesting druid politics and magic. It was also really interesting how well we get to see the worst of both sides of the rival druid groups in the two different books.

Top 5 books/series I read and then thought about a lot in 2020

The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher - A friend recommended the author to me. This particularly book is a supernatural horror novel I don't necessarily recommend. However, I have continued to think about elements of it since I read it. (Before you @ me about the author's other work, this was the third of her books I read and the other two were in the more beloved fantasy novel genre.)

The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal - I actually didn't like this book that much. We read it for a book club, and it had an interesting concept that wasn't super well executed. However, I have thought about elements of it a lot since then, particularly in comparison to some of the other sci fi I encountered this year.

Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - I don't know how much "I actively thought about these a lot" describes my actual experience of having read these, but given their popularity and the number of conversations I had about them, I can't omit them from this post entirely. I liked the first one once I figured out what kind of story it actually was, had absolutely no idea what was happening at any point in the second one, and discovered with both of them that I have a much more limited vocabulary than I thought, at least when it comes to death-related words. I am invested enough that I will read the third book when it comes out, but probably won't read any more of the author's work beyond that. If you want to know more about what I thought, I wrote a very spoilery post about them.

The Sixth World (Trail of Lightning and Storm of Locusts) by Rebecca Roanhorse - This is a pair of novels set in a post-apocalyptic world where there's a magically/divinely-erected wall around Dinétah (the Navajo lands). The worldbuilding and characters are so interesting, and it's a series where some of the details stuck with me and I would randomly think of them. I'm looking forward to reading one of her other books in a few months for my sci fi book club.

Wild Mercy: Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the Women Mystics by Mirabai Starr - This was one of two books about women mystics I read and disliked this year, and the more disappointing of the two as I'd heard an interview with the author that I found interesting. I continued to think about this one a lot in an angry, "and another thing!" way, which did help me articulate more of the things I dislike about new age-ish framing of "feminine" wisdom/divinity/knowledge.

Top 3 non-fiction books I read in 2020

The Vagina Bible: The vulva and the vagina - separating the myth from the medicine by Dr. Jen Gunter - This is probably better as a reference work than as a straight read-through, but it was interesting enough to read straight through. The book is deeply rooted in science and facts, and she has a whole chapter on "Vaginas and Vulvas in Transition" specifically about anatomy for trans people.

Here All Along: Finding Meaning, Spirituality, and a Deeper Connection to Life - in Judaism (After Finally Choosing to Look There) by Sarah Hurwitz - This is a useful, contemporary introduction to Judaism from someone who shares a lot of my values. The first half is an introduction to Jewish thought, while the second half focuses more on spirituality and practice. The book is part general introduction and part spiritual memoir. I found it deeply inspirational and I added it to a wish list of books I want to own copies of (I read it as a library ebook) because I would like to both reread it in hardcopy where I can easily flip back and forth and use it as a resource for further study and reading.

You Can Draw in 30 Days by Mark Kistler - You may remember that I wrote more about this when I originally finished reading the book. I found it a gentle, funny, helpful book to teach you the basics of drawing.

The 2 authors I read the most in 2020

Jennifer Lynne Barnes - I read fifteen of her books in three weeks in January, when I was still working full time, and a sixteenth after it was published later in the year. Her books are fast-read YA novels that are deeply engaging and generally have some sort of mystery element to them which may or may not involve family secrets. She has a tendency to write variations of the same characters, which meant that I enjoyed mentally mapping the characters from various books onto characters from other books. Also, her werewolf trilogy does one of my favorite werewolf story things that you almost never see (but it doesn't happen until the end of the first book, so I won't spoil it by telling you what it is). Many of her books involve violence, so heed the summaries or email/message me if you want some content notes.

Laura Lippman - I read nineteen of her books this year, eighteen novels and a non-fiction essay collection. She's an excellent mystery writer with a distinctive voice. The time I read four of her books in four days, I found myself thinking in her style. Even if I hadn't otherwise enjoyed My Life As A Villainess, her essay collection, it would have been worth reading just for the kicker on "The Thirty-First Stocking." Content note: her novels frequently involve violence or its aftermath.

#books #book rec

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thesffcorner · 5 years ago

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Tell Me How You Really Feel

Tell Me How You Really Feel is a YA romance written by Aminah Mae Safi. It follows Sana and Rachel, seniors in high school, who are sworn enemies. Rachel is an aspiring filmmaker, struggling to finish her senior project which may seal or destroy her scholarship to NYU, and Sana is a future med student, who is struggling with the possibility that she may not want to be a doctor after all. Due to a series of unfortunate events, the two are forced to work together on Rachel’s film, and their relationship might change, taking their futures along with it. I loved this book. I knew I would love it from the moment I started reading; by the time we got to Rachel’s PoV I was already sold. This was one of the easiest 5 stars I’ve given out all year, and I absolutely adored this book. It’s very cute and funny, but it also tackle a lot of really important subjects like tradition, family, feminism, the male gaze and the struggle that queer girls have with relationships. If you are at all interested in the synopsis, pick this up now; you will not regret it. Before I gush about this book for 12 paragraphs straight, I do have to get my one gripe out of the way. This whole book revolves around Rachel’s film which is a modern retelling of the Odyssey. Except it isn’t; it’s the Iliad. They talk about the Trojan War, Helen of Troy is one of the main characters, the OG narrator is supposed to be Cassandra and Odysseus or Penelope are not mentioned once. I don’t understand how this happened; I refuse to believe Safi doesn’t know that the Iliad covers the Trojan War? Everytime the Odyssey was mentioned I wanted to scream, it bugged me that much. That admittedly petty gripe aside, I really loved this book. One of the first things that caught my eye that I loved were the chapter titles: each one is a reference to a different film or music video, but they are a lot more subtle than the usual. The one that made me cackle was You Take Me By the Heart when You Take Me By the Hand, but I also appreciated There Goes Your Social Life and Chew Like You Have a Secret. This whole book is one big love letter to film making and film in general; there is so much stuff in this book about editing, shooting, and even the more technical aspects of film like gaffing, which as someone who was pretty often the gaffer on student shoots, I was super down for. Every single conversation about the industry just punched me in the stomach in the best way possible; I loved that Rachel was such a crass and bold filmmaker, who treated set like male filmmakers do, and all the discussions of women in film, and how underrepresented and how many difficulties they have making it. None of the conversations felt like I was being preached too, and having seen first hand how differently men and women are treated on set, I was nodding along angrily to everything I read. It’s not all bad stuff though; there are scenes where Rachel and Sana discuss why they love film so much, and everything that the medium can deliver in terms of emotions. I was just so happy reading this book, because it was such a clear love-letter to film-making, while still keeping it generally realistic to a teenager. Rachel has a rater conventional taste; Sana even calls her out on how all the ‘classics’ she wants Sana to see are white and Hollywood. The other big love of this book is cheer-leading. I feel like for whatever reason, I have been just bombarded with cheer-leading recently; I re-watched Bring it On, I watched a video on Bring it On, I re-watched Fired Up, and then this book. Sana is a cheerleader and she’s also the captain of the team. I really enjoyed that she loved cheer as a sport, rather than as a social activity (I also cackled at the jab about how Chess players are considered athletes, but cheer is an ‘athletic activity’, barf). Though we don’t get a lot of routines and actual practices, what we do get was fun, and I really enjoyed Sana’s little speech towards the end. Also the fact that her favorite film is But I’m a Cheerleader, also made me happy. A major focus of the book is family. Both Sana and Rachel come from single parent households, though they get there through different circumstances. Rachel has a lot of resentment and anger towards her mother for leaving her, and learning about the circumstances was heartbreaking. Even though the book never fully acknowledges it, it’s pretty clear why Rachel hates beautiful girls and Helen of Troy specifically, once you learn that, and this section really left me heartbroken. On the flip-side, Sana has some major issues with both her father and grandparents. This was the part that I wasn’t a super big fan of, mostly because it’s both very different from how I was raised, and eerily similar to how families are here. The focus on appearances, and tradition, while sometimes sacrificing healthy and fulfilling relationships with children and elders really is a subject I dislike reading about. I did find it refreshing that Sana is out to her family and for the most part they are very accepting; her struggles are mostly to do with her desire to both please everyone and be the perfect daughter, while also trying to find her own path, and do things that aren’t necessarily in line with what her family expects from her. Speaking of being out, I really liked the discussion on queerness too. There is a passage where Rachel discussed how Sana has been placed in a cage all her life, not because she is afraid to flirt or to be out, but because other people just refuse to believe or acknowledge that someone like her could be gay. The whole ‘does everything in the book that is overt flirting, and yet gets treated as just being friendly’ really hit me hard, because I have experienced the same. It’s really difficult to convince others sometimes that you are in fact interested in women, and even more so to actually toe the line between flirting and coming on too strong. There is also discussion of class in this book, which I found interesting. Both Sana and Rachel have preconceived notions about the social background of the other, which are both wrong. It reminded me a bit of Pride and Prejudice, in that they are both so proud and stubborn and their mixed messages come from these ingrained fears tied to their class and family. The plot of the book was fine; I liked how melodramatic it was at points, especially the ending, but it firmly places itself in the teen rom-com genre and uses all the tropes in the best way possible. Even the falling out between the two girls felt really justified and I was glad that it was Rachel who had the most growing to do to be able to really connect with Sana. Speaking of, the characters were likewise great. I liked both families, though I was more attached to Sana’s mother who was a really cool woman, someone that I would like to be one day if I stay in the film industry. She was smart, and hardworking, and I loved that even when Sana and Rachel were at outs, she still reached out to help Rachel connect with other female industry professionals. Rachel was the character I related to more, and as such she annoyed me more. She is super aggressive a lot of the time, and doesn’t realize that because she’s always so defensive and has trained both herself and everyone else that she never needs help, that's why people never offer it. She had the more severe character arc, and I really enjoyed her examining her own biases and internalized sexism; I don’t read many books who do that. Sana I absolutely loved. She was a great character, just a super-well fleshed out teenager. I related to her struggles with asking girls out, her crush on Rachel, her viewing Helen of Troy as a person rather than a stereotype. I don’t even know how to describe her without just listing all the things about her that I loved which would be everything; she was truly a gem of a character, and definitely my favorite character I’ve read so far this year. Overall, read this book. It’s cute, it’s deep, it deals with film and feminism, and has one of the best female-female romances I’ve ever read. I 100% recommend it; I think it should get as much love as Red White and Royal Blue.

goodreads

#tell me how you really feel #tell me how you really feel review #moni talks #book review

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bookcoversalt · 7 years ago

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is dread nation a good example of a cover utilizing photography/a real model? (please tell me its a good example bc i love it SO MUCH and i haven't even read the book yet)

YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP the dread nation cover is AWESOME and here’s why, even though I’m usually a big proponent of illustrated figures over models for this kind of thing: a) the figure isn’t separated from context b) the photography is a stylistic choice with conceptual relevance rather than a presumed default.

A “a model on the cover as the character” typically works best when the entire cover is comprised of the original photograph, rather than a figure that’s been cut out and pasted over a new background (*unless your design is intentionally collage-ey, like, say, the new Simon VS cover. There’s exceptions to everything). This is common in contemporary YA: good examples off the top of my head include To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and When Dimple Met Rishi.

These are both art directed well, framed interestingly, and edited in a very natural-looking way, with a similar ~ light and modern ~ overall aesthetic that suits the book. (Seriously, the WDMR cover is SO CUTE AND GOOD AND WHAT WE DESERVE.) It’s just straight up harder to do this for fantasy or historical, both logistically (costumes and props are more expensive and harder to obtain) and artistically: “photography of a model in a studio” lends itself to breezy naturalism more easily than ~~~~ high fantasy drama ~~~~~.

To get that high fantasy/historical capital-d-Drama with your photographed model, you normally enter the world of heavy photomanipulation, and while that’s by no means an AUTOMATIC bad thing it throws the door wide ass open for… Issues.

(See also my The Belles review and…… every romance cover since 2001 or so.)

Because once you start stylizing, where do you stop? And once you pass a certain threshold of unrealism (usually, the point at which you physically cut out the figure from its background) what’s your justification for using photography at all? [real answer: because the alternative, illustration, is expensive and time-consuming.] How are you using the inherent clash between the two to your design’s advantage, rather than making it a burden of visual weirdness? The above two examples are draped in fantasy symbolism but divorced from any context that make them feel ~ real in any intended way; they’re too glossy and obviously composited while trying to convince you that they’re not.

At a certain point, if you refuse to cede realism to stylization, you either have to execute with 101% skill to make it work or you end up in uncanny valley slash extreme cheesiness.

(The Mirror King models got me feelin….. a way. Mostly about how he’s wearing a…… p aintball vest (?) and she’s literally wearing this exact cinderella costume)

(CDs: please get to know some cosplayers/ theater people. you can do better.)

Also I really want to hit this point of “what’s your justification for using photography at all?” It seems like a stupid question, but every single goddam thing in a design should have a reason it looks the way it does, should contribute to a greater stylistic whole. Often the choice to use stock models isn’t a choice, it’s simply a default, the Easiest way to get A Human Figure on the page. To go back to my talk of romance and adult fantasy covers, that’s fine for some genres, but if you’re going to put that much effort into the stylization of your YA fantasyscape, why not do the same for the figures within it? Why not invest in art with a stylization that says something about your story?

One counterpoint to this being that the sentiment that we need more POC on book covers is an important one, and seeing nonwhite models, rather than illustrations, Matters. And I want to be clear that this is not me trying to say illustration is better than photography, or that you can do photomanip THIS WAY but not THIS WAY; when I talk about good vs bad artistic methods and trends, I am not saying X is always better than Y, i am saying, X is normally in a better position to achieve the goals we want to achieve [in this case on fantasy and historical novel covers]. I am making generalizations to which there are plenty of exceptions. Throne of Glass did in theory the thing I want and redid its cover into an illustration, and it SUCKS SUPER HARD, as we all know. Way worse than that weirdly sterile photomanip. This is a rambly post because there’s a lot of nuance and variation in what makes “photographed model” work or not work on a cover, and I don’t want to seem like I’m giving it a blanket dismissal regardless of my feelings about Dread Nation’s cover.

Two good “stock cover model” examples re: fantasy are Shadowshaper and The whole Selection series:

Shadowshaper is flawed (that drop shadow on the title! why! would you do that!) but its use of a model is excellent; it leans into the unrealism of the manip with the paint swirls in her hair that become the primary source of visual interest.

The selection covers aren’t especially popular, but I really honestly think they’re great (and a good example of expanding a cover into a series in an instantly recognizeable but sufficiently varying way.) I’ve always been curious to see what the original photos looked like vs the final, because I can’t tell how much of the sparkles/mirror effects/color/whatever else was edited in vs organically there– it has the dramatic, larger-than-life effect photomanip a ~fantasy~ cover is going for, blended seamlessly with the clearly real model (and the text is interesting and well-balanced.) (to reference my earlier stipulations, this is the rare occurance of the 101% execution.)

BRING

BACK

THE THING.

So again, Dread Nation works not only because the design and photographic direction is really tight, but because the model is in context and that context is conceptually sound: this is a civil war photo. This isn’t just imagery pastiched together to look cool, it uses visual cues with specific cultural connotations (the flag draped behind her, the framing, the faint sepiatone, the way it fades out on the right like a damaged antique photograph) to not just tell us what the book is about, but to create this instant gut reaction and sense of drama built off our contextual knowledge of the civil war. Like. You can HEAR this cover, war drums and rifles and [zombie slashing noises] and all, despite not slapping, like, canons anywhere. Subtlety! Incredible!

And it literally would not work as an illustration; it might look cool, but it would lack the visual coding that comes from the realism. That’s what makes a really great photographic cover: if you would actively lose something trying to do anything else.

The other thing I really love about this cover is how the composition really lets its few, well-chosen details (the bloody scythe and the delicacy of the text) breathe, without sacrificing any drama or dynamism to do it. It is fucking hard to use such thin, fussy, textured type effectively on a cover, especially right on top of other imagery, and it’s a testament to the balance of the whole design that it works so well here (and the pairing of it with the tracked-out all caps for the secondary type is [kisses fingers]).

THIS POST IS KIND OF A MESS BUT BOTTOM LINE, DREAD NATION HAS A GREAT COVER AND I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT USE OF MODELS ON BOOK COVERS. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.

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cowboylikedean · 7 years ago

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Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda is the most offensive book I’ve ever read.

I wrote this review for goodreads, but I’m also posting it here. Bare with me, it’s long.. much of it is under a cut.

This is honest to god one of the most offensive books I've ever read.

My reading goal I set with myself this year was to read all the LGBT YA fiction I could find. Even though I'm 26 years old, YA fiction remains my favorite genre, especially YA romance. It's something about the nature of adolescence being all about change and everything being for the first time and brand new... Writing about/for teenagers, authors can give the endlessly magical feeling of being on the precipice of something great without even trying. That said, some of it reads really young for me and I lose suspension of belief within the story because I am an adult and the intended audience is 14... Though, in my experience, in a really good book, that difference will be noticeable, but unimportant. In this book, however, it was instantly A Big Deal. I had to remind myself so many times in the first few chapters to forgive its terrible sentence structure and awkward wording. It was meant for someone much younger than me, and while it *was* using terrible sentence fragments almost every sentence, the author did that to set the age of the narrating character. I wish she hadn't. It's one thing to have Simon's emails and quoted speech read with every other sentence being a fragment... but for every page of narration to have that many fragments, it's hard to read... One of my goals in reading all the LGBT YA fiction I can find is so that I can better recommend books to the LGBT teens I know who need to read more/find more relevant reading to their lives/learn that reading doesn't just have to be the boring books they're assigned in school *and* use that reading to benefit their writing. When every sentence is either a fragment or a run-on, it kind of defeats that purpose...

But aside from that, I have to agree with other reviewers about how much it shows the author's straightness. I took notes. So buckle up folks... Here's some of the worst offenses and my thoughts. This is by no means a comprehensive list as I have a character limit.

Okay, let's start simple.. Throughout the book, starting on page 21 with its latest reference being 179-180, Leah's objectification of gay boys in the form of yaoi and "slash" fanfic is written to indicate her support and allyship. Its first reference on page 21 comes right after Simon's declared that lesbian and bi women have an easier time of things because straight men like to objectify them. Is it 2018/2017 and we're really still going to praise something that passes straight objectification of LGBT people off as support??? Really??? And these reference to Harry/Draco are SO bad! The last one, I think is the worst. Simon tells Leah he knew she would be supportive because she's the one who introduced him to Harry and Draco, so it was never a question. The first one where we read Simon's exploration into masturbation wasn't fun either.

And that's something to talk about... Sex. I have nothing against sex in teen fiction. Teens have sex and when authors do it right, reading about a teenager explore sex in various forms can add to the story tenfold. However, here it comes off almost like Fifty Shades Of Grey level awkward. Multiple times it's written in the narration Simon tell the reader "I'm hard." Not "I have a boner," not "I'm turned on," "I'm hard." It's something that's just uncomfortable to read... And I don't even think it's just that Simon's a teenage character because I don't think it would have been so uncomfortable to read "I'm turned on" or "I have a boner," but the specific wording of "I'm hard" is very uncomfortable. And then the moment where Simon and Bram "each spend time in the bathroom" prior to Simon's parents coming home after Simon says "I'm hard and I can tell he is too" is just.. "I feel something *down there*" level awkward.

But it's more than that... The emphasis on the word "sex" and phrasing like "I'm hard" give the effect that The Secret Life of the American Teenager had with how many times they said "had/have sex." It feels almost... clinical. It was actually during the first sex-centric email chain I went and read the author bio because I guessed she was a clinician. That's not a good thing. Throughout the book, I see moments of a straight person attempting gay humor... And it's just painful, because she'll get there... and then miss it. Like the passage the book gets its title from. "Blue" takes a shot at gay humor saying that all people coming out is "the homosexual agenda." A classic gay joke in a very safe form. Then Simon comes and runs straight past the joke and "all lives matter"s the joke by saying "I don't know about the homosexual agenda, the homo sapiens agenda. Isn't that the point?" But no, Simon. No it is not the point. If that was the agenda of the whole species, that's how it would work. Furthermore, the joke is a reference to gay hate replaced with gay love. I have to wonder how Becky Albertalli wrote that line without realizing it was the same general premise of "all lives matter." We are not equal in that fight. LGBT people are marginalized. That is the whole freaking point, as Simon would put it. Which brings me to... The cursing. If you're going to write a teenage character who is conscious of their language and doesn't curse, then do it. Don't be inconsistent about it, just do it. Simon will say "fuck" sometimes, and sometimes, he'll be very careful to say "freaking." He also assumes Blue is uncomfortable with cursing... I'm sorry, either a lot's changed since I was 16 ten years ago (which I doubt because, as mentioned, I interact with a lot of teenagers frequently in mentoring and tutoring), or Ms. Becky Albertalli is imposing some odd morals in this book real hard. At any rate, it's incredibly awkward. I want to talk about characters. A review quote from Publishers Weekly says "Readers will fall madly in love with Simon" and I'd just like to ask one simple question: What readers? Okay, maybe two... Why? Now again, let me preface this by repeating, I am a regular tutor and mentor to many teenagers and I interact with them regularly. They text me, facebook message me, snap me, instagram DM me, etc all throughout the day I am in constant communication with my little ones. These are all (for the most part) LGBT kids, most of whom struggle with mental illness issues that are giving them school trouble. Simon is insufferable. He's not just a complex character with insufferable traits, no. I love those characters, they tend to be my favorites. Quite the contrary... He has no substance. Simon was given almost no characterization throughout the entire 303 pages of the original version of the book. I mean I know he loves Elliott Smith and oreos and not much else. He doesn't like things being made into a Big Deal. He's in a play and we're told he liked being the center of attention as a child, but he doesn't seem to like it now and/or we get no description on it. We get a lot of narration about what other people are doing and how other people are thinking and feeling and it leaves very little space to explore Simon. Sometimes, the book feels narrated in 3rd person limited rather than 1st person because of how much exposition there is on others. Simon feels like an empty character that is supposed to be a self insert to the reader.. which again, makes those awkwardly worded sex scenes even more uncomfortable. But with that, there's very little character *development*. Simon doesn't grow or change too much from beginning to end. Things in Simon's life change, but as a reader, I didn't feel Simon himself changing. I think the biggest factor here is that once again, we have a coming out story written by a straight person in which the main character was outed without permission and in a publicly humiliating way before he was ready. If there is one thing I wish straight people would write down, crumple up and throw away/burn/dispose of in any given way to make sure it never comes back... it's this trope. Martin committed an act of violence. Outing someone against their will, especially as a form of public punishment by harassment, is an act of anti-gay violence. For Simon's character development to happen so that this ends up being the nudge he needs because he doesn't really deal with the trauma of it. I mean, it's mentioned... I'll give Ms. Albertalli that, but it's not *explored.* The book I read prior to this was The Symptoms of Being Human, which is a great book (with a few pacing problems) about a genderfluid teenager named Riley. To save spoilers, I'll just say there's also violence in that book... But unlike in this book, in Symptoms, Riley has time at home where we see and hear their pain and coping. The topic of coming out is hugely important in Symptoms too, but there, we get incredibly intimate with Riley's internal debate on the topic. In this book, Simon's internal debate happens completely away from the reader outside of his debate to tell Nick and Leah that one time in the basement after he told Abby. How am I supposed to feel the development of this character in a story of coming out in which I was kept away from the internal debate of the character in question? It's just bad writing. I want to talk about the other characters for a second too... Who are such annoying stereotypes. So first Leah. The straight girl obsessed with gay boys who spends her time objectifying them and feels ownership over her male best friend. The central point of her character throughout the book seems to be her jealousy and blind hatred of the other biggest female character. Yikes. Then there's Nick who is obsessed with Assassin's Creed (great series) and is That Guy who has to pick up a guitar everywhere he goes (AKA The "Anyway, here's Wonderwall" guy). Then there's Abby who, as far as I can tell is one of the two actual compelling characters. There's Bram/Blue, the other compelling character who loses all characterization once we find out he's Bram. It's like Blue is super interesting. Bram is a blank sheet like Simon devoid of any characterization. Martin who is a straight man who violently outs a gay man after blackmailing him because he feels ownership over a woman he doesn't know... And the worst part about Martin is in his final "apology" email, he says if he could go back, he'd blackmail Simon into friendship with him and then stop. DIRECT QUOTE bottom of p 289. Earlier in the book when Simon, Martin, and Abby are running lines at the Waffle House and Simon starts to feel like Martin's friend, it's passed off as a good thing??? What? I also want to mention Simon's stereotypes. Does he really have to mention Every Single Time Nick is playing video games (particularly Assassin's Creed) that he doesn't care? Really? Also... He seems to understand sports fine... and then all of the sudden after he comes out he slips up and calls soccer try-outs "auditions"???? Something I've literally only ever seen done on the TV show The Middle by its main gay character Brad? Really? Something else I want to point out... I'll go back to the Harry Potter Harry/Draco thing for a second... That's an abusive relationship that's literally mostly shipped and romanticized by straight girls. Okay, I just had to point that out explicitly. Abusive gay relationship. Okay... So I've saved the most offensive two bits for last. One: "Cross-dressing." Now I don't know know if Becky Albertalli had a trans person read this before publishing but Simon's disgust that he used to enjoy wearing dresses was so incredibly painful. As a transgender person myself, I am so deeply saddened that a book that has had so much praise as being incredible representation would include such hostility. Reading the passage of gender-bender day felt like a punch in the gut. To feel the vitriol disgust in Simon's words "A lot of the time, I can't believe that was even me" and "I never crossed that line," "there's something so mortifying to me about the intensity of those feelings." I get it Simon, you hate trans people. Probably you too Becky Albertalli... As a transgender person, a book with such a passage will never be okay. Two: The entire scene in Webster's with Peter. At first, Peter is an age inappropriate gay man who gets Simon drunk knowing nothing about him, including his age without any conversation. Within a few minutes of meeting him, he puts three drinks in Simon's system, then almost as if Ms. Albertalli was aware she was crossing the line into the "older gay male predator" trope, she magically reveals Simon's age to these college kids who send him on his way. He's so disgustingly happy being sloppy drunk. The whole thing is embarrassing and honestly seems to serve 0 point other than to give justification for Simon's parents to ground him. Simon is taken advantage of by a group of older gay men and then punished by his parents. What in the actual hell is that? Okay... so that's my list of most offensive things of this book. Honorable mention: Simon's parents saying they need to find "ground rules" for when Nick sleeps over. Straight people are so obsessed with the idea that people cannot be "just friends" (I hate that term, but you get it) with people of the gender they're attracted to and honestly, it baffles me. Do straight people not have friends? At any rate, between the writing style and bad sentence structure, the poor characterization, the anti-gay tropes, the fake allyship, the praise of straight objectification of gay people, the forgiveness of anti-gay violence, the anti-feminist aspects of the tension between the two main female characters, the poor narrative structure... I see very little to like, let alone love, about this book. It is one of the most offensive books I've ever read

#simon vs the homo sapiens agenda #book review #lgbt book review #this was so bad y'all

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nocaptainreuben · 7 years ago

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Most Definitely Not Your Sidekick

Let me start this review by saying that I have a pretty awesome brother-in-law. He’s a big, big nerd and happens to also be pretty lovely and generous, so every time he sees me he brings me a bunch of his graphic novels to work my way through. In the latest batch, he threw in a few YA books, and whilst I hadn’t heard of any them, I trust his recommendations, so I was eager to start C.B. Lee’s Not Your Sidekick once my TBR had cleared a little.

The book is set in a future after the radiation from huge solar flares triggered the awakening of the previously unknown ‘meta-gene’ in some people, giving them extraordinary powers. Jess’ parents are Andover’s resident superheroes, Shockwave and Smasher, so she’s desperate to join the family business. But when she doesn’t exhibit any powers she’s determined to find some other way to be special, and takes a job at a prestigious robotics company. Working with her longtime crush Abby, and the mysterious M, she uncovers an evil plot and has to decide whether the world of heroes and villains is really so black and white, and if she really needs to be a superhero to do something heroic.

The world building in this book is excellent. The setting Lee has created is really interesting and I feel like there are enough unique details thrown in to set it apart from other dystopias. It does feel futuristic enough to be authentic, but it’s still relatable so I found it really accessible as someone who mostly reads contemporary. In fact, it felt like the perfect blend of sci-fi/fantasy, dystopia and contemporary, with a little bit or something for everyone.

As well as being a damn good, enjoyable story, Not Your Sidekick is so important, because of the representation it gives to marginalised groups who are incredibly underrepresented – especially in this genre. The main character is first-generation Asian-American – her parents being Vietnamese and Chinese – and it is so cool to see a badass Southeast-Asian woman taking the front and centre role in a superhero book. It feels like it’s really drawn from Lee’s own experiences as well and it seems like an authentic representation of a household which has been truly Americanised, but still has little glimpses of her parents cultures running through. I loved how, at times, it explored the conflict of being ‘different’; like when Jess tried to order a sandwich in Vietnamese and couldn’t get the pronunciation right, because, not wanting her to have an accent, her parents had raised her speaking mainly English. In different situations, she would end up feeling not Vietnamese enough, not Chinese enough, not American enough, or too much of any or all of them. This feeling of not really fitting in anywhere is something that I’ve seen and heard expressed by so many people of dual heritage and I think it would be really helpful for young people with similar experiences to see a character like them on the page and know they’re not alone.

Speaking of great representation, can we just stop and have a round of applause for C.B. Lee here? Because THAT is how you write a trans supporting character. I’ve read a couple of books lately where one of the MC’s best friends is trans, and it’s always a little bit of a minefield. The problem is that unless you specifically point out the fact that a character is trans, it’s not something that’s obvious; beyond using gender-specific pronouns, you don’t generally discuss the ins and outs of a supporting character’s gender naturally as part of the narrative, so if a character is referred to as ‘he/him’, we just know them to be male – whether they’re trans or not is completely ambiguous. Now, I like knowing in no uncertain terms that authors are including trans characters in their books (because, y’know, trans people exist so it reflects the real world and stuff) but the moment you introduce a character by declaring their transness, it can really feel like something that’s been shoehorned in for the sake of meeting a diversity quota. So I’ve always thought it’s kind of a catch-22, and we’d never be able to get a natural depiction of a trans supporting character. Well C.B. Lee has shown me the way! In Not Your Sidekick, we went 66 whole pages getting to know Bells as one of Jess’ best friends and then Jess said to him ‘It’s really late. You’ve been wearing your binder all day. Feeling okay?’ There was no sentence anywhere explicitly stating ‘Alert: Bells is transgender!’, just a natural conversation that would totally happen in real life. For this reason, Bells felt like a real character, rather than just a plot device to demonstrate how ‘woke’ the author is, and I related to the story so much better rather than having blatant tokenism mar my enjoyment.

It’s also relatable af in the romance department. Jess is bisexual and has long had a huge crush on captain of the volleyball team, Abby. Her friends constantly tease her about it – good-naturedly of course, because this is actually a really positive friendship rather than one of the variations of the Shit Friends Trope that is used so often in YA – and when M asks why she won’t just talk to her and let her know how she feels, Jess expresses all that angst that every girl who likes girls has felt at some point in their lives. It’s hard enough to pluck up the courage to ask someone out in the first place; add to that the general insecurity that goes along with being a teenager, and multiply it by ‘she’s probably straight anyway, I can’t just ask her if she likes girls, what if she’s offended or grossed out or just laughs at me?!’ and you’ve got a melting pot of conflicting feels. It brought me back to my high school crushes and just made me smile so much at the memory of this little baby gay stumbling around finding her place. (Disclaimer: still haven’t totally found it.) In fact, the whole storyline between Jess and Abby made me grin from ear to ear because it was just SO. DARN. CUTE. My face (and heart a little bit) actually hurt from how sweet it was.

I think what helps the cuteness, in part, is how predictable it is. Usually, calling a book predictable is a pretty solid negative, but this didn’t feel tiresome or boring or frustrating like it can when you guess what’s going to happen. Instead, it felt endearing. I knew literally straight away who M was, but Jess didn’t and it was so cute watching her fumble her way through the book being completely oblivious. I’m pretty sure the author made M’s identity really obvious on purpose (really obvious, like, you don’t even have to read the book to make an educated guess!) because it almost had this conspiratorial feel where all of us except Jess were in on the secret. This meant the reader could appreciate all the exchanges between Jess and M in a different way, and it was so much funnier and cuter and just generally great.

Honestly, this book was totally made for me. It has superheroes, robots, high school, positive friendships, romance, LGBT themes – I mean, what’s not to love there?! It ticked all the individual boxes for me with the writing style, character development, plot and everything, but more than anything, the whole package is just so much fun! The subject matter and easy-to-read writing style would make this a perfect bridge into YA for graphic novel fans who don’t usually read wordier books, but there’s plenty in there to please seasoned readers as well. In short, I would just rec it so hard to everyone, so go get a copy. ;p

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obtusemedia · 5 years ago

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Top 25 songs of 2019: Honorable Mentions

In 2019 — a commendable year to close out the decade, musically speaking — Gen Z’s budding stars fully arrived, while long-time stalwarts created some of the best work of their careers. There weren’t any albums that threatened the top of my decade-end chart, but the year still delivered a crop of solid records in a variety of genres.

This year, I’m doing my year-end list a bit early, because I plan on releasing my decade-end list around New Year’s. So before we do that, let’s kick off the celebration of 2019 with 15 great songs, listed in alphabetical order by artist, that just missed the top-25 cut off.

“People” by The 1975

Manchester pop-rock geniuses The 1975 have already dabbled in almost every genre under the sun. So a sharp pivot into near-screamo punk rock seemed inevitable.

“People” isn’t my favorite song of theirs — the best version of The 1975 is when they’re fully in ‘80s synthpop mode — but it’s still very effective. The crunchy, thrashing guitars fit perfectly with Matty Healy’s off-kilter vocals and apocalyptic lyrics. In a way, “People” is a sequel to their generation-defining 2018 single, “Love It If We Made It.” But while that song is anxious, the main emotion in “People” is fury. And it’s not hard to miss the message, as Healy screams it in the chorus: “STOP FUCKING WITH THE KIDS.”

“Baby Boy” by Kevin Abstract

BROCKHAMPTON’s boy-band/hip-hop collective is too chaotic to have a true frontman. But if there is one, it would be Kevin Abstract. And the Texan rapper/singer’s 2019 solo album, ARIZONA BABY, was a stellar showcase of his talent.

“Baby Boy,” a cooing, soft love ballad, is the record’s best track. Between the gorgeous melodies and the left-of-center production and singing, it seems destined for the soundtrack of a quirky rom-com. And it’s nice to hear Abstract flex his R&B chops.

“Everybody Here Hates You” by Courtney Barnett

This loosie single by Melbourne’s finest indie rocker is classic Courtney Barnett. All the ingredients are there: deserty guitars, a shuffling groove, and Barnett charmingly speak-singing her sardonic lyrics. Barnett’s clearly notched a lane for herself with “Everybody Here Hates You.” And frankly, if she never leaves it and keeps making solid songs like this, I wouldn’t mind.

“Twist The Knife” by Chromatics

Speaking of consistently excelling in your specific soundscape — here’s Chromatics! “Twist The Knife” has all the off-key synths, ghostly Ruth Radelet vocals and general nocturnal, cinematic sound you’d want from the mysterious group. Perhaps the one major difference is the thumping, 808-heavy disco beat. But, like with Barnett, Chromatics’ sound is solidified by this point. And luckily, they’re still the masters at soundtracking nighttime drives.

“Arabesque” by Coldplay

Coldplay returned this fall with two singles. One was “Orphans,” which had a conventional Coldplay sound (sing-along chorus! aggressive perkiness!) to contrast with an unconventional Coldplay topic (refugees).

The other was “Arabesque,” which sounds like nothing Coldplay have ever done before. It’s got a hard-hitting Afropop beat, a French interlude, Chris Martin dropping the f-bomb, and most amazingly, a sax solo that’s nearly two minutes long. It’s a weird, jazzy detour for the group — and it’s incredible.

“Falling” by Dude York

Seattle indie rockers Dude York wrote a song about a topic you don’t hear much often in music: romantic complacency. The couple in “Falling” isn’t a bad one — lead singer Claire England makes it clear that she’s having a great time. But she also calls the relationship “practical,” and describes it as a very casual, low-stakes romance. “Falling” brings up the question many long-term couples ask themselves: Weren’t there supposed to be butterflies? Is it bad if our relationship is more cozy than passionate? It’s an intriguing subject, backed by killer rock production.

“Tough Enough” by Ex Hex

Ex Hex’s sound is knowingly old-school. The rip-roaring El Camino-rock of “Tough Enough” could’ve easily been a Pat Benatar or Joan Jett single in the early ‘80s. And that’s what makes it great — who doesn’t love Joan Jett? “Tough Enough” isn’t something you have to think too hard about; it just kicks ass.

“Summer Girl” by HAIM

Asking HAIM to give you a sleek retro-pop song is like asking Spoon to give you a nervy indie rock single: they’ll deliver the goods. But the San Fernando Valley sisters gave their formula a few tweaks with “Summer Girl,” their best single since their 2013 debut.

Instead of their typically slick production, HAIM opted for a barebone, funky ‘70s groove. The vocals rarely go above a whisper. And the most prominent element of the song is a honking sax riff, which sounds like it comes straight from A Tribe Called Quest song. But all these changes don’t erase HAIM’s strongest quality: their solid-gold hooks. And you’ll be humming that doo-doo-do-do-doo chorus for days after hearing “Summer Girl.”

“Nice To Meet Ya” by Niall Horan

I had no expectations for former One Direction member Niall Horan’s new single this year. I didn’t love his previous white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar style, so I didn’t plan on enjoying his new stuff.

But “Nice To Meet Ya” thankfully ditches the acoustic guitar. It’s an extremely late-‘90s breakbeat banger. It’s less Ed Sheeran and more classic Robbie Williams. The song it really reminds me of is Republica’s deathless jock-jam classic “Ready To Go” — all propulsive energy and power. “Nice To Meet Ya” is a bit less aggressive, but it’s still a ton of fun and shows that Harry Styles isn’t the only One Direction alum that can produce a great solo track.

“Hey, Ma” by Bon Iver

At this point, Bon Iver can write these beardy arena-folk anthems in his sleep. But that doesn’t make “Hey, Ma” any less of a great update of that song. Amidst the occasional synth bloop and awkward Boomer-esque weed references (not sure anyone’s unironically said “toking on dope” in a while), the single features one of Justin Vernon’s greatest melodies. If anyone’s wondering how Bon Iver became one of the decade’s premier indie acts, the soaring chorus and powerful melody of “Hey, Ma” is an indicative example.

“Juice” by Lizzo

If it weren’t for a certain baggy clothes-wearing teen, Lizzo would’ve easily been 2019′s biggest breakout artist. But although “Good As Hell” and “Truth Hurts” were her biggest hits, those two songs came out way before 2019. Out of the songs that the Minneapolis popstar actually released this year, “Juice” is the perfect demonstration of her irrepressible charisma.

“Juice” is the best-possible combination of Bruno Mars’ retro-funk exercises and a defiant Kelly Clarkson anthem. Lizzo sounds like the most confident, extroverted person on the planet, slyly bragging about her and her friends’ prowess. It’s not quite on the level of “Uptown Funk,” but “Juice” is still too fun to resist.

“Sucker Punch” by Sigrid

“Sucker Punch” is just the latest edition of a wonderful musical tradition: the sleek, icy Swedish pop song! Wait...*checks notes* turns out Sigrid is actually Norwegian. A country that has less ABBA-style pop and more death metal.

But regardless of what part of Scandinavia she’s from, Sigrid’s “Sucker Punch” is still a textbook-perfect bubblegum single. With its bouncy vibe and explosive chorus, it almost sounds like a lost hit from 2011 or 2012 — a golden age for pop. Sigrid’s thick accent and energy just adds to the charm. Old-school synthpop isn’t in vogue anymore, but at least Sigrid is keeping it alive for now.

“Hurry On Home” by Sleater-Kinney

2019 was not Sleater-Kinney’s best year. The Olympia indie legends’ new album, The Center Won’t Hold, received lukewarm reviews. The momentum from their 2015 reunion was mostly sapped. And most critically, longtime drummer Janet Weiss, one of the best in the biz, quit abruptly, saying she was essentially told that she was no longer a “creative equal” in the group.

But at least the trio delivered one stone-cold Sleater-Kinney classic single before they imploded. “Hurry On Home” is a sleazy, thunderous hard rock jam that would’ve snugly fit on their last album, No Cities To Love. It’s got a bit more of a robotic groove, thanks to producer St. Vincent, but the crunchy guitars are still there. Carrie Brownstein’s sardonic vocals are still there. And that trademark Sleater-Kinney intensity is absolutely still there.

“Superbike” by Jay Som

Jay Som’s stellar 2017 debut album, Everybody Works, dabbled in dream pop, but also dipped its toes into many other subgenres. But the lead single of her sophomore album, “Superbike,” is pure hazy ecstasy.

“Superbike” has a bit of Alvvays in its DNA, particularly in the atmospheric guitars and whispered vocals. But Melina Duterte added a bit more California bliss to that formula. The track sounds like the soundtrack to a tranquil jog down the beach, with the sunrise in the background.

“God Is” by Kanye West

Kanye West can’t sing. He’s warbly and incredibly off-key. And that’s why I love it when he genuinely tries to do so.

Jesus Is King is a mediocre, one-note first draft of an album, but it still has its moments. And my favorite moment on the record is when West puts his lack of vocal talent on display. “God Is” features West trying his darndest to belt over a sample of gospel composer James Cleveland’s song of the same name. And he falls pretty flat on his face. But there’s something still powerful about that, like someone badly singing in church, but with so much conviction. It humanizes West.

#top 25 songs of 2019 #hip hop #pop #indie rock

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achrisstevenson · 5 years ago

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Reviewers—Our Lifeblood.

After having sent out and received (cold) over 1,370 personalized review requests, I think I’m qualified to depart a little information on the topic of Book Review Requests. I’ll start the salvo off with a personal letter from a reviewer who happened to discuss some problem areas wherein authors were disrespectful and/or intimidating. I have her permission to post this material. Below her letter is my reaction and thoughts.

Hi!

So nice to hear from you again! I read the blurb at Amazon, and this one sounds much more to my liking. Go ahead and send the MOBI whenever you like. My reading schedule is pretty busy until the 15th, but I'll see what I can do.

Surprisingly, about reviewing, it can be trickier than you think! Previous to 2019, I had been a casual reviewer. Voracious reader but only reviewed books now and again if I felt strongly about them (one way or the other). My new year's resolution this year was to read 200 books and review each one of them. After some bad reverses at work, reviewing became a bit of an obsession. I have started to question my sanity about reading so many books, but I do love to read as it provides refuge.

What makes it tricky is that sometimes authors can do bad things to reviewers, either publically or privately. If I give what an author perceives as a bad review, I often get long diatribes about why I was wrong. A few authors have even commented (or had friends comment) on my reviews at Goodreads, saying that I misunderstood something or other; my favorite was when an author stated I should have inferred X about the book from its blurb (if you want me to know something... tell me... don't expect me to have to figure out your meaning if you're not clear). I don't like the private notes, but the public calling outs are uncalled for. In two days in mid July, I was targeted by two different authors, one publically and one privately. The private one was a "publisher" asking me to take down a review at my site because they hadn't given me permission to post it! Seriously! He used all sorts of legalistic language and was mildly threatening. The other author took my public review on Goodreads, made a screenshot that included my name, and posted it on her blog (which she broadcasts all over her social media channels), where she shredded my review and me. Over the course of a week or so, she continued to make defamatory remarks. I continue to get harassing emails from her friends; I received another just today. Sigh.

All this over book reviewing!

I joined a FB group for book bloggers just share my tales of woe and get feedback, and it was amazing how many came back with similar stories. Some have actually gone so far to never accept private requests for reviews because they don't want the potential to be harassed by an author who knows their email address.

How sad that it has come to that. I think that's why your lovely little line resonated with me. Balm for my wounded reviewer soul!

Regards,

Jamie

(My Response) Hi, Jamie.

Soulful words indeed. I've have seen instances of a total lack of respect for the reviewers, comments and emails comprised of hate speech, claims of stupidity and demands. I've been at this for the last 15 years straight (29 total), and I've mellowed with just about all literary pursuits. Everyone has to understand that this is all a collaborative effort and there are HUMAN beings with lives on the other end of these emails, especially reviewers. In my view, reviewers perform an impossible task by reading books from cover to cover and then writing about them and then linking them to all their social media sites. FOR FREE. For the enjoyment of it. I could Never do such a thing! The workload would topple me, frustrate me, hurt my feelings and take up enormous amounts of time. And even yet, reviewer's mission statement are filled with enthusiasm and gratitude for the opportunity of reading someone else's book. They are honored. Astonishing.

I've written articles on the proper way to query for reviews--this involved all aspects. I have a powerful writer website, and I'm about to really nail this subject again. I've enlightened every one of my publisher's authors (with little comments) to abide by these tasks and pass them on. Read the policies through and through. Then read the bios and see who this person is and if you can click with anything of interest with them. Yes, it's time consuming. But look at the time they take with you. And any author who sends a cold copy of a book to a reviewer should be automatically scratched. It's discourteous. If they want one off the bat, they ask for it.

Sorry, but this advanced age publishing glut has hobbled the entire industry. Supply has eclipsed demand. Reviewers are overworked to the breaking point. How can they sift through trash without finding the true gems? I’m not talking about the majority of indies who are really setting the industry afire with true talent. I also believe that small and large press editors should redouble their efforts and weed out those mistakes in format, grammar, structure and all else

Nice conversing with you. You have confirmed my feelings. I promise to blast a message about this subject. I want you to know that you are valued as a pro reader and a person, and that you are real to me.

Kindly,

Chris

Let’s lay down some simple ground rules: read their bios and policy/guidelines. You’ll know exactly what to expect from every individual human reviewer. You can even read some of their reviews to check out their style and voice. You can tell a lot about a person from their background; job occupation, loves, hates, hobbies and wishes—and just look at all the baby, children and animal photos and references! You’re digging. This brings you close. It’s intimate, and it should be. Granted that most of your request package will be a cut and paste, but it is subject to change with every reviewer, and none of them are specifically the same. Give them, honor them with the first paragraph of your opening letter. You don’t have to pander. Politely disagree with them on a point or topic if you feel the need. Just communicate in real time.

Some reviewers will ask for a cover photo, a certain subject line heading, the best way to contact them; form or email. Some want paperbacks only, with many specifying their e-copy formats. Address them by name—if it isn’t listed go find it in their social media contacts. Don’t judge them by the number of their blog followers—this is a level playing field.

Find out what their policy is for DNF (did not finish) or low 1 and 2-star rankings. Many will give you the option of not publishing a very low rank. If you don’t want that low score, ask to opt out of the review. (This just happened to me with a paid review and I had no option to opt out. It shredded me. More about paid reviews later, or what they disguise as “marketing and social media expenses.”)

Target their genre. What’s their top pick? What are their secondary choices? What are their marginal genres? If you have a YA fantasy with a lot of violence and death in it, the reviewer might say they love YA fantasy, but say they can’t stomach horror in any fashion. That leaves you out, if that’s what you have. Don’t try to get by as an exception unless they ask you to explain those types of contents. If you have trigger warnings, spell them out up front. (I’ve made some mistakes with this).

If you don’t have a new release, don’t tell them you do. Generally, a new release can be less than a year old, but more commonly, three monts. If you are weeks within a release, state that up front and politely ask for an ASAP review. I’m over three months old with my release but I’m not asking for a quick review. I’ll take my place in line with the rest of them. In my mind, the reviewer is the pilot/captain—I’m the passenger with seat belt on and the tray in the upright. I’m not running this show. The reviewer is not your employee. They are an advocate for your product—not theirs—yours.

As an aside, I’ll pay for a cup of coffee as a donation, but I’m refusing to pay for any low-cost reviews. You can find out if they list services other than free reviews that might cost you, but those are generally legitimate services that involve extensive social media promotion campaigns. Just feel comfortable about what you’re getting into.

I could go on forever about this topic and I’ve left so much out that it will require another long blog post. For now, I’ll show you my request package. It’s a disorganized mess, but it’s working like a charm. Only because it covers just about everything they ask for. BUT remember your opening hello letter at the top.

I’ll red-shift outta her. Thanks for reading—Christy J. Breedlove and Chris H. Stevenson.

ETA: I doff my fedora to all the reviewers I’ve had contact with. So many of you are now my friends and subscriber buddies. You are the treasures in our industry.

(THIS IS YOUR HAPPY TO MEET YOU PARAGRAH)

I know you must be swamped, and I’d like to just take the time to thank you for your unselfish service and dedication to us writers. The TBR piles are higher than K-2 out there. I don’t know if you are up for a review right at this time, but I thought I’d ask first. I abide by and honor your review policy. (A review on Amazon would be fabulous, but not a requirement).

Well, what makes this tome stand out? I think my book Screamcatcher: Web World is unique in that I have never seen a dream catcher used as a prop or device in the plot or theme of a book on the Internet. I had to create the inside reality of a web world. My book has shades of Indian lore in it, and I think the characters are diverse and well-drawn. It has a slow-burn sweet romance. I see this as a mash-up between Jumanji and The Hunger Games. I've included the cover blurb in this email for your perusal. For a deeper probe, you can click on Christy's Amazon page. I hope you like this idea.

Most Kindly Yours,

Christy Breedlove (pen name)

AMAZON SCREAM PAGE: https://www.amazon.com/Screamcatcher-World-Christy-J-Breedlove-ebook/dp/B07QDK5M75/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Screamcatcher+Web+World&qid=1555016089&s=books&sr=1-1-spell

Amazon.com: Screamcatcher: Web World eBook: Christy J. Breedlove: Kindle Store

Screamcatcher: Web World - Kindle edition by Christy J. Breedlove. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Screamcatcher: Web World.

www.amazon.com

The pub date was officially 4-23-2019, so it’s a recent book. You can get to it whenever you please—I have no priorities or demands. The publisher is Melange Books, Fire & Ice. Age range: Upper YA 15—19. Pages: 218, Words: 67,000. Formats: PDF, Kindle/Mobi, E-Pub.

Summary:

When seventeen-year-old Jory Pike cannot shake the hellish nightmares of her parent’s deaths, she turns to an old family heirloom, a dream catcher. Even though she’s half blood Chippewa, Jory thinks old Native American lore is so yesterday, but she’s willing to give it a try. However, the dream catcher has had its fill of nightmares from an ancient and violent past. After a sleepover party, and during one of Jory’s most horrific dream episodes, the dream catcher implodes, sucking Jory and her three friends into its own world of trapped nightmares. They’re in an alternate universe—locked inside of an insane web world filled with murders, beasts and thieves. How can they find the center of the web where all good things are allowed to pass? Where is the light of salvation? Are they in hell?

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rosepetals1984 · 8 years ago

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Hi all, Rose here with one of a multiple part series chronicling my year in reading for 2016. It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these lists, and I figured I’d start off 2017 getting back to this particular “Year in Review” type post. Originally I’d set a goal of reading over 300 books for the year of 2016, but my actual count ended up being 125 according to my Goodreads log. I think getting over 100 books read in a year (for me) was great, but I wish I’d been able to meet my goal because the last time I did that was back in 2013 and I saw it as a personal challenge that I wanted to make time for. That total number isn’t quite accurate considering I found myself not logging all of my reads onto Goodreads or my other bookish communities. However, we’re going to keep it at the 125 total, and I’ll likely find myself re-reading some of the books I’d read in 2016 in 2017 to review them in full.

Before I get into my top 10 reading list of the past year, I’ll make several Honorable Mentions. These were books worth noting because of how memorable the experience of reading them was for me this past year. Note that in this entire list (honorable mentions and top 10) I’m chronicling my reads for this past year, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it was published in 2016.

“Daughter of Deep Silence” by Carrie Ryan

My review of “Daughter of Deep Silence” on my blog

I loved the cover of this book (I only wish they had used the same cover on the paperback edition, but that’s a moot point) but the premise references to “The Count of Monte Cristo,” which is one of my favorite books, and it makes multiple references to the ABC series “Revenge” (including a character named Grayson whose name is a play on the family Grayson from that series). I enjoyed reading the dark texture, themes, and characterizations of this story, albeit with a few flaws in progression and telling versus showing details. But it was my first read of last year and it did kick off my reading year on a good note.

“If I Was Your Girl” by Meredith Russo

Review of “If I Was Your Girl” on my blog

“If I Was Your Girl” was an illuminating perspective on the experience and struggles of a transgender teen. There was so much to be gained from this novel for its raw honesty and portrait of Amanda. Despite flaws for development/detail in some conflicts, how it approaches prejudices, relationships, and discussions of gender identity is very well noted, and the read stayed with me long after I’d finished it.

“The Square Root of Summer” by Harriet Reuter Hapgood

Review of “The Square Root of Summer” on my blog

This is an underrated gem of a novel that I ended up really enjoying despite its flaws. Likely some of the scientific digressions and delving into physics concepts (alongside a really, really slow burn for progression) might’ve turned some away from it, but at its core is a detailed story of grief and coming of age experiences for Gottie with a brainy leaning. I couldn’t help but feel for her longing for her lost grandfather and mother. It’s a really distinct novel that blends coming of age and science fiction. I wish there were more narratives I could read in this vein because I really liked the unique thematic.

“Run” by Kody Keplinger

My review of “Run” on my blog

It has been a while since I’ve read anything from Keplinger, but this turned out to be one of my favorite reads of the year as two teenage girls, telling the story from alternate perspectives, go on a road trip to escape the lives that they know, but realize progressively what they’re leaving behind. It switches between past and present to give context on each of the girls and I loved the distinct voices that Bo and Agnes have throughout the novel. With an honest eye also into Agnes’s disability and Bo’s sexuality in places, it also was a rewarding read for its representation.

“A Game of Thrones” (A Song of Ice and Fire #1) by George R.R. Martin

Review of “A Game of Thrones” on my Blog

I finally, finally, finally read this straight through this year, and what a mammoth, but rewarding read it was. I’ll probably be caught up with the series by the time “Winds of Winter” releases (here’s to hoping it’s released this year), but this stands as my longest read of the year and took quite a bit of mental energy for me to finish just for the sheer time it took (though I was savoring as much of the world and characterizations that I possibly could – when I picked it up I had a hard time putting it down). I couldn’t find a place to rank this on my main list, but it holds its own as a fantasy story I found myself compulsively and compelling drawn to. Not to mention I learned it was better for me to buy the whole series than try to wait for it at my library because I kept having to return the books prematurely. :(

I have a bit of a mixed bag for genre/age group with respect to my list below the cut. I’m going to try to put this in order, but suffice to say that I really enjoyed the following reads through this particular year.

10. “Some Girls Are” by Courtney Summers

Review of “Some Girls Are” on my blog

This had been on my TBR list for quite some time, but I just got around to reading “Some Girls Are” this past year. As per usual, Summers’ narratives always seem to hit me square in the gut. She writes the experiences of her characters (usually very flawed female protagonists) so very well. It’s hard not to be gutted given what the main character experiences in this YA contemporary/tough subject piece, but it’s eye to Regina’s emotions are resonant, staying with me long after I finished the story.

09. “You Will Know Me” by Megan Abbott

Review of “You Will Know Me” on my blog

“You Will Know Me” stands as one of the more haunting adult contemporary reads I had in the past year, and part of that is Abbott’s method of slow unraveling of tensions that make you question the roles each of her characters have to play in the overarching story. This particular tale follows a young female gymnast and her family’s journey/push to train her and get her to the Olympics, but the death of someone close to the training circles causes secrets to be unearthed and emotions to run high among this flawed cast of characters.

Quoting directly from my review:

The eye to the athleticism and competition, the conflicts of maturing young women, the petty politics and self-interest served by the parents of the young women who compete in the same circles as Devon was given a careful, exploratory and invested eye. I couldn’t look away for much of this narrative, and I really enjoyed it for what it offered, especially given in the performance of the audiobook version.

08. “Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things” by Jenny Lawson

Review of “Furiously Happy” on my blog

Just the image of that raccoon makes me want to start laughing again, especially remembering Lawson’s account of how Rory the Raccoon got stuck to the back of her cat and ended up zipping past her very confused husband. This is Jenny Lawson’s well-humored but also eye opening memoir, chronicling various aspects of her life including struggles with depression. I definitely appreciated reading this, not just for the humored stories but also the raw honesty she brings to the narrative. The audiobook was amazing and its one I’ve returned to this past year a few times for the experience.

07. “The Passenger” by Lisa Lutz

Review of “The Passenger” on my blog

Lisa Lutz’s “The Passenger” is an adult mystery/suspense/thriller read that definitely sees a situation going from bad to worst case scenario. It chronicles a woman on the run for various reasons (though you’re not sure what those reasons are initially). When her husband dies unexpectedly, she flees the scene, gets a new identity, finds a partner and gets into even more trouble which has the two women switching identities in the aftermath of events. But Amelia (who switches names more often than not in this read) finds herself wondering who “Blue” really is, and if she didn’t just complicate her life even more despite trying to stay hidden. It definitely kept me on my toes and guessing throughout the read. The strong audiobook performance was a plus for the experience.

06. “The Amazing Book is Not on Fire: The World of Dan and Phil” by Dan Howell and Phil Lester

Review of “The Amazing Book is Not on Fire” on my blog

This was a fun combination of getting to know you and personal stories from the popular YouTube personalities Dan and Phil, whom I really enjoy following their random insights and gaming LPs. I listened specifically to the audiobook version at the time that I wrote the review, but I was also able to read the physical copy of the book later in the year, which I really enjoyed. I think it might be one of the best YouTube personality non-fiction books I’ve perused to date, and I definitely look forward to reading more of their work in the future (Mental note: I need to read “Dan and Phil Go Outside,” stat.)

05. “It Ends With Us” by Colleen Hoover

Review of “It Ends with Us” on my blog

I said this in my review, but to reiterate: if people ask me what my favorite book by Hoover has written to date, it would be this. It completely blindsided me because I didn’t expect to see a narrative that was as maturely and honestly written as this for the experiences described in this book, particularly dealing with the mental/physical/emotional conflicts that Lily has to deal with throughout. The romance/relationship elements are also done rather well here. I – at the very least – liked Hoover’s writing in previous notations, and “Hopeless” had my attention back when I read it for the first time, but I’d always had trouble connecting with Hoover’s characters and situations for the way they were presented and handled, so her narratives were touch and go with me. Many of her narratives I liked the inspirations for, but the execution…meh. (Hint: You’ll see her name on my worst reads of 2016 list as well.) There was a point where I was ready to throw in the towel because I didn’t think there would ever be a point I could connect with one of her narratives, then this book came along. It isn’t a book I would say “Ermahgard, this is utter perfection from beginning to end!” but I appreciated the experience and respect it. Not to mention I would re-read this book from beginning to end and it has a spot in my personal library. Props to Olivia Song for providing a wonderful audio narration.

04. “The View from the Cheap Seats” by Neil Gaiman

Review of “The View from the Cheap Seats” on my blog

I’ll admit I haven’t followed Neil Gaiman’s professional journey as a writer as closely as others (though I like and respect his work), so this was an eye opening read for me in terms of his inspirations and career. This book in its physical form is HUGE, but I compulsively read through it from cover to cover, plus later read the audiobook version when I was able to check it out from my library (which just so happens to be narrated by him :) ). It’s one I would definitely recommend if you would like insights on where he draws inspiration in his writing life, his career and interactions with the people he’s come across in that spectrum. I read it during Camp NaNo and also found it inspiring to read from an authorial perspective.

03. “What We Saw” by Aaron Hartzler

Review of “What We Saw” on my blog

This read hit and hurt to my very core, to the point where moments of it had tears coming to my eyes and thinking about some of the events of this past year. Based on actual events (it’s based on the Stuebenville High school case), it’s told from the perspective of a young woman who is inebriated one night and taken home, but the following day witnesses one of her classmates accusing four boys of rape the night of the party. She questions the events and finds – to her horror – there’s more to the story that involves people who are close to her. This book highlights the problems of rape culture in such vivid detail with dimensional examinations of all the characters and their attitudes. I had heard about this narrative in some readerly circles, but not to the degree where it had been frequently discussed at the time I read it. I honestly think it’s an excellent and eye-opening YA contemporary read, one that while the experience is tough to read, provides brilliant insight and a compelling story in its pages.

02. “Emmy and Oliver” by Robin Bennway

Review of “Emmy and Oliver” on my blog

I’m a sucker for cute contemporary romances, and while this YA contemporary tale has a very difficult subject matter in its backdrop, the chemistry between the characters and appeal of the extended cast really stayed with me throughout this past year. The story revolves around the titular characters as Oliver returns home after being abducted as a child by his father. It showcases a tough transition for Oliver as he reunites with his childhood friends and struggles between the life he left behind and the family and friends he has to get to know all over again. It also shows Emmy grappling with events and things she wants in her life as well. The chemistry between the characters is palpable, fun, and engaging. For me, it was hard not to love Emmy’s bubbly personality and Oliver’s interactions with her. I loved it.

And for my #1 pick(s): Technically speaking this is two books, but I’m going to count it as one since they’re part of the same series.

01. The Archetype series by M.D. Waters

Review of Archetype on my blog

Review of Prototype on my blog

This series had me reading from cover to cover the entire time I had them checked out from my local library (then ended up adding them to my personal library shortly afterward). This adult sci-fi/mystery/thriller revolves around a woman named Emma who has lost her memories. Her husband Declan, a prominent researcher, tells her she’s been in a horrible accident, but as snippets of her memory resurface, she realizes that may not be entirely the truth. I loved how this series kept me guessing for events and portrayed Emma’s experiences in a vivid, sensual, and nailbiting way. It’s the kind of story where the premise had me from point one and delivered in so many great ways. My first reads from M.D. Waters and I hope to read more from her in the future.

So what were your favorite reads from this year? I happened to have a a decent reading year on the whole, but in the next entry in this Year in Review series, I’ll go into my Worst Reads of 2016.

Happy reading and happy new year all,

Rose

Rose’s Book Superlatives of 2016: Favorite Books of 2016 Hi all, Rose here with one of a multiple part series chronicling my year in reading for 2016.

#2016 year in review #Best Reads of 2016 #Blog stuff #bookish things #Favorite Reads of 2016 #fun #random #random updates

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