#'nobody's ever gonna stage it' - my prof who i am going to PROVE WRONG

[measureformeasure]

the vyvanse is helping me with the paper but moreover it is helping me with being so fuckign crazy about kleist's penthesilea

[dragobsessedandposessed]

Lets talk about growth.

August 2016. I’m starting my sophomore year in undergrad. Last semester, I had my revelation and dove into the two Earth Sciences intro courses. I’m starting my first advanced core course in the curriculum. Geochemistry. It’s a 300 level.

I walk in the room, early as always, for the first day of class. New faces stream in. Nobody sits next to me. I sat in the first table in front of the door. Two minutes before class starts a senior rushes in and slides into the seat next to me and warmly introduces herself. Sophia.

The first Wednesday lab there are trays of six rocks and ten minerals, unlabeled. Half the class has taken min/pet (the class about rocks and minerals). Half the class has not. We are told we need to get reasonably familiar with these specimens so we can have context for the geochemistry course content. We get a mini lecture on rock and mineral ID. We do a lab. Sophia can pick everything up and just say “sodium rich plag(ioclase)”. I am completely lost. She tries to walk me through but I don’t get it. I can’t see it. What’s cleavage? Is this greasy or vitreous lustre? Did this streak or not?

I am frustrated. We are told we have a quiz on Friday. I email the prof and ask if she can meet in private. She emails the class and invites anybody. Six people show up. She stays with me and one other girl until 5:30. I’m still struggling but I’ve come up with little cheat cheats for remembering the obvious ones.

I am frustrated and it is obvious. Misty eyes and everything. My professor sits down next to me and says “I know it feels kinda like drinking out of a firehose right now. It’s a lot of information to throw at you. The only reason I can do this is because I’ve spent years locked in a basement with these guys. It takes time. And practice. Hah! And I’m not giving you those!”

She was trying to make me feel better. But I was mortified that I had let a professor see me so frustrated and teary eyed. I thought she thought I was a child. But really, I was frustrated with not knowing how to handle struggling in school. It never happened before. My grades were inconsistent on the first couple labs. My exam grades fine. But it was the hardest class I ever had taken. And it was enthralling. Every day at lunch I’d say to my friends “my brain explodes out of my head like twenty times a class!” I was desparate to learn. I put in the work. I read the textbook paragraph by paragraph, trying to absorb. I watched youtube videos to help me.

Our final project was a mercury research project of our own design. Soph was my partner. And now one of my best friends. She introduced me to the other students in the department, who are all awesome, and things get warmer. I have this idea to study soils at a site related to my job. The prof is completely into it and thinks it’s really exciting. And she knows it’s really my project, even if Soph is my partner. I still think she thinks I’m a failure.

She is so enthusiastic about this dang project. Keeps dropping hints “you know if you wanted to continue this project I’d support you. I mean you already know how to use the instrument and I could get you keys to the lab from Deb.” “This could really be a thesis.” She and I talk about my job. She has this idea about strontium isotopes and we talk about it on a couple occasions. She says that if we did it, she’d take me with her to the lab where she does all her research. Fly out to Arizona in the summer. Between these conversations I got questions wrong on assignments and labs and exams. I said inelegant things. I thought she thought I was stupid.

I convinced myself. In spite of all evidence. That I was stupid and doing everything wrong. But I simultaneously became so sure that this was everything I wanted to do with my life. I have a post saved in my drafts from that semester. It says “I know what I want to do in my life. Geochemistry. Specifically isotope geochemistry. I love it and it’s all I want to do”. But I thought I wasn’t good enough while so desparate to be.

And it was all lies. I was lying to myself. I was too hard on myself.

It’s the first day of 2019. That august when I was almost crying over a box of rocks is two and a half years behind me. What’s happened since then?

The very next semester that professor called me into her office. She told me I was on the top of her list to join a project the Smithsonian contacted her about. I dove in. She flew me to Arizona and I did that lab work. I took that project to two professional conferences. At the first, I gave a poster. At the second, I had a 15 minute talk in the middle of a 4 hour session with 20 minutes for cumulative questions at the end. Every. Question. Was for me. I am first author on a peer reviewed scientific paper on that project.

She was thrilled to be my thesis advisor on a completely different project starting one year later. More isotope geochemistry. I flew to Arizona for a second time. That project had so many ups and downs. So many successes and failures. But it never got me down, truly. It was hard, but I never doubted that I could make it work through the frustrations and confusions. I’m getting honors on my senior research thesis. The department gave me not one but two awards for my research. I wrote and got fully funded three grants for that project.

I had the guts to apply for a research expedition to the remote arcitc. I got accepted. I went. It was hard. But incredible. Stunning. I presented that at a conference too. I’m writing my second peer reviewed publication now. I haven’t graduated from my undergrad.

Every single one of my professors individually approached me and told me I should be applying to a hyper-competitive national fellowship because they think I stand a real chance. I submitted my application in October. Fingers crossed till April!

I also took the rocks and minerals class. I was the teaching assistant for Geochemistry this past semester. The first time it’s been offered since I took it. The professor and I walked among the tables as students were struggling through their packets. I sat down with people and guided their eyes until they saw it. I shared my story with them. It resonated.

I’ve had a career/course request/grad school chat with probably every single junior and sophomore in the department because they come to me for advice. They recognize me as someone relatable but successful. That means everything to me.

And guess what? Here I am, applying to graduate school. In what? Isotope geochemistry. I was right, two and a half years ago, about one thing. Not that I was stupid or unworthy or incapable. Certainly not that my professor hated me. She’s said multiple times that she hates sitting through graduation but isn’t going to make any excuses this year because she needs to cry as I walk across the stage. I was right that isotope geochemistry is gonna be my life. I’ve already made it my life for two whole years. Every professor I’ve interviewed with has told me know impressive my research experience is. They wonder why I’m doing an M.S. and not a PhD. I emailed one the other day telling her I don’t plan on applying to her program because she can’t offer me an M.S., and she wished me the best and told me to get back in touch if I want a PhD after my M.S.

And guess what? I can look at myself in the mirror and say “you are amazing. Look what you’ve accomplished. I am proud of you and all that you’ve done. You are driven and strong and smart and take advantage of every last opportunity. You are deserving of everything you’ve achieved. You are loved, respected, and appreciated. Never doubt yourself. You’ve proved yourself.” And that is so so sweet. I’m still hard on myself, but it’s because I know I’m so capable. And it doesn’t get me down, it moves me forward. And it doesn’t stop me from acknowledging my accomplishments. That was my pitfall two and a half years ago.

So for 2019, I want a continuance. I will continue to be staunch and self-assured, even in the face of rejection. I will make the best decisions for myself because I wholly deserve it. I will be kind to myself. I have lots of great adventures in store. Lots to look forward to. So much potential. I speak this into existence in 2019. And I will practice it.