#'my hands are covered in the blood of the people I should have protected' hahahah wow edgy tell me more over dinner mayhaps

[star--nymph]

excuse me that's MY formerly-toxic, sleep deprived emotional support white boy

[merinnan]

DMBJ Ep 6

I’ve been a bit behind putting these up on Tumblr, so I’m afraid you’re about to get a dump of the remainder of Season 1, plus the first two eps of Explore with the Note! (not all in one post, of course - 1 ep per post as usual)

So! Episode 6!

The Xiaoge Rescue Count at the start of ep 6 stands at 9 for Wu Xie, 12 for the protagonists, 13 for everyone.

- And we start back with Chengcheng and High Jr. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS SUBPLOT, MAKE IT GO AWAY AND BRING BACK XIAOGE AND WU XIE. 

- Why is Chengcheng calling her kidnapper dage? I don't like her or trust her. She is annoying and shady

- Oh, good, now we are back to Wu Xie being a good boy 

- That is a lot of guns and explosives Sanshu has recovered

- I am annoyed at how they all seem to think that A-Ning needs to be shielded from everything unpleasant because she's a girl. She's a goddamn mercenary leader. I think she can take knowing these things - and it's better to let her know as it's found out so that she can adjust to the news properly, instead of springing it on her when it can't be concealed anymore, like what happened when the blood zombie showed up.

- On a completely different tangent, Wu Xie's neck dressing has stayed astonishingly clear for running around in a tomb, crawling through tight tunnels, falling off of ledges and being dramatically rescued, fighting bugs, and fainting all over floors.

- Wu Xie is so sweetly optimistic 

 - LOL, sure Pangzi, you're here for archeological study 

- ....Wu Xie, you are disturbingly knowledgeable about guns for a college student

- Now that I've read the first novel between having watched ep 5 and now, my mind is slightly reeling from how innocent and babie drama Wu Xie is compared to novel Wu Xie 

- Awww. Doesn't matter which Wu Xie it is, babie with gun always looks kinda adorable.

- Also, I appreciate Wu Xie's trigger discipline. So often shows have such terrible trigger discipline. 

- Oooh, it's like a carved thing on the dais that got his attention. I thought it was like a computer drive or something at first, because it looked kinda like that.

- OH NO, THE LIVING VINES ARE HERE AND SNEAKING UP ON THEM 

- ...and pushing the button made them retreat 

- ...phew? 

- I am still concerned 

- The music signifies that something creepy is coming 

- lol, babie. Looking so innocent even though He Knows What He Did

- I don't know what that sound is, but that's not a good sound 

- ...earthquake? That's a bad thing to happen when you're in the middle of an evil cave. 

- WU FAMILY, WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONES TRYING TO STAY ON YOUR FEET WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO ANYTHING?! 

- So fucking stubborn

- This is where Wu Xie gets it from, if Erbai is wondering 

- A-Ning is the smartest one, staying sitting down 

- The tree opens up like a fucking security vault and ejects a coffin. Because of course if fucking does. 

- Oooh, yeah, that's that shot from the opening credits 

- "I can't read any of this, but it says this is the guy we're looking for" 

- "His story recorded here is the same as what we know" WU XIE YOU JUST SAID YOU CAN'T READ IT

- Come on. Earlier in the show you said "yes I can read this" and read it. And in the novel, you puzzle it out from being able to read bits. This part, you flat out said he couldn't read it, and now are telling everyone what it says 

 - I love continuity, but dramas really don't

- The music now is similar enough to the Harry Potter music that I almost expect an owl to go flying past 

- The owner of a coffin wanting the coffin to be opened hundreds or thousands of years later seems like it should be something more worrying than how everyone is reacting

- I wanna know how Sanshu knows the coffin has been there for 3000 years. Wu Xie can't read the dates on it, and the Warring States Period was 1500 years ago, not 3000 

- JESUS CHRIST, SANSHU, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SENSIBLE ONE!

- Why are you suggesting you open the chained shut coffin in order to see if there's somehow something alive (or alive-ish) in there? 

- Awwww! Wu Xie going "no, don't do that, Pokerface told us not to touch anything"

- Like. Not, "no uncle, that seems like a bad idea" 

- But "Xiaoge told us not to, and we should do what he says" 

- I have the feeling that if this Pangzi is agreeing with something, then you all should not be doing that thing. Because this version of Pangzi is an idiot

- HOW THE FUCK IS THE MOVING COFFIN GOING TO SECRETLY HAVE THE EXIT INSIDE IT, PANGZI 

- THAT MAKES THE LEAST SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING SO FAR 

- Pan Zi's "WTF do you think you're doing" look

- This Pangzi is so bad 

- I even like Chengcheng better than him. And I wish they had taken her into the tomb and used her as bait. 

- I'm glad he's better in other adaptations. Like, I love the Pangzi in Chongqi. I am so glad that he was my intro to Pangzi, not this one

- DON'T MAKE THE BABIE SAD BY BEING DUMB

- A-Ning really should not be just standing there with her leg injury. I've had a muscle biopsy before where they took it from the thigh, which is a similar 'injury' to what she's got, and you do not get on your feet unless you absolutely have to for days afterwards.

- At least they have her limp when she's walking, and it's kinda sad that I'm glad they do that! 

- And Pan Zi should not be doing hard physical labour with a fucking gut wound

- But I think I'm more annoyed by A-Ning, because I have personal experience with her kind of injury so know first-hand what kind of pain she's causing herself by standing and walking 

- HUMAN BRAIN LOGIC GO

- Pangzi you fucking dick, just standing there watching. You should be pushing instead of Pan Zi 

- Hahahah, after all his shittalk and boasting, and he can't do it 

- Oh, there, finally

- I know that inside lid is supposed to be jade, but it looks so terribly fake. Oh my god. It's awful 

- It looks like a bad Photoshop of one of those Windows 98 default backgrounds

- I love the looks everyone gives Pangzi every time he slips up and talks about getting money from the stuff in the tomb 

- LOL, that's not a carving, that's a couple of translucent green plastic discs stuck on top of Windows Background Photoshop cover

- ...I'm kinda waiting for someone to suddenly shout BOO! really loudly while they're all carefully trying to listen for any sounds in the coffin

- They're almost at the end of the first novel in terms of plot, and there's still 4 and a half eps to go

- Wow, I think that's the first time I've seen Sanshu actually worried 

- lol, and now Pangzi says he believes him, rather than get his ear that close to the coffin himself 

- PANGZI DON'T STARTLE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER OF A GUN & DEFINITELY DON'T SMACK THE GUN

- Wu Xie has a lot of control to have not accidentally shot right then

- LOL, after all their declarations how they're archaeologists, not tomb robbers, & how they're here to protect cultural artefacts from robbers, etc - they go make references to the northern and southern schools of tomb raiding

- Just without actually saying exactly what the 'Southern School' being referred to actually is. 

- ....and now Pangzi jumps in front of the pointed gun as he grabs it. Do you have a fucking death wish, dude? 

 - And now we see the infamous bronze armour! Jade armour. Whatever

- You'd think they'd have learned to fucking take all of A-Ning's guns away from her after last time she held one of them at gunpoint 

- OMG, the face on the helmet is so fucking ridiculous, I can't - It's not even properly positioned over his face

- Aaaaah, Sanshu called him tianzhen  I'm so happy at being able to identify that word now it's ridiclous 

- That...that is not what peeled skin looks like 

- Pangzi comes right out and admits he's a tomb robber 

- And for the first time, no-one calls him on it

- Or correct him for calling them tomb robbers 

- Ah, there you are, Xiaoge. I was wondering how long it would take for you to be back 

- I see looking for people in a tomb requires no shirt XD

- Better shots of shirtless Xiaoge

- Like, same, Wu Xie. Same.

- Look, I have two braincells, and one is for Xiaoge and one is for pingxie

- YOU ACTING LIKE THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, PANGZI

 - Oooh, this is a goood shot of the tattoo. And of who the tattoo is on

- I don't have a Xiaoge problem. It's the opposite of a problem.

- Seriously, Pangzi is so fucking lucky that Xiaoge didn't kill him a dozen times over during their first meetings here

- Also, now that Xiaoge has explained why he threw a knife at Pangzi, I believe it's time to update the Xiaoge Rescue Count to 9 for Wu Xie, 13 for the protagonists, 14 for everyone.

- Although maybe I should have also been keeping a People Eyerolling At Pangzi Count given how often it's been happening

- More Xiaoge pics, feat. emotions that are not 'worrying about Wu Xie'

- Also, did he throw the corpse off the platform after he broke it's neck, or did it yeet itself off somehow? 

- I mean, I too wanna know how Xiaoge knows all this stuff if this was all put here 3000 years ago

- I do love that Wu Xie is already about the only person who Xiaoge will actually look at instead of staring down or straight ahead

- LOL, Wu Xie won't even let Pangzi so much as touch this. 

- I honestly appreciate that Xiaoge appears to travel lightly enough that he doesn't have a spare shirt

- EVERYTHING makes Wu Xie better than everyone else (except Xiaoge), Pangzi

- lol, Sanshu, yes. You tell him. 

- Hahahah, and Wu Xie playing along with Sanshu, the little adorable shit 

 - THE LOOK ON HIS FACE 

- KJFDHKJDAFHFKASDJHFKJASDLHGFSKLJ 

- AND DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE THAT SMIRK, WU XIE��

- There is absolutely not enough of little shit!Wu Xie in S1

- Loooool, his little nod at Sanshu now that they got their way and made Pangzi promise to stfu for the time being 

- And that is the first time I've seen that style of carriage roll like a car 

- Those skull ballistae were a cool aesthetic, though

- THAT CARRIAGE WAS ROLLING LIKE A FUCKING CAR, HOW IS IT BACK UPRIGHT AND ROLLING ALONG THE GROUND TO THE CLIFF 

- HOW TF IS IT ROLLING ANYWHERE WITH A SMASHED WHEEL 

- HOW TF IS HE ABLE TO HOLD IT FOR EVEN A SECOND, ESPECIALLY WITH ONE HAND

- A thin as fuck flagpole is going to give you jack shit in terms of something to brace with when it comes to that much weight 

- THE SCRIPTWRITER OF THIS SCENE IS BAD AND SHOULD FEEL BAD 

- *cries in physics minor*

- I can suspend disbelief for aliens, zombies, everything about Xiaoge, logic holes, and plot pits. Apparently my line is a non-cultivator breaking the laws of physics. 

- Aaaah, here come the zombies 

- So this dude is not the zombie dude 

- He is the emperor, I think?

- OH MY GOD THAT GREENSCREEN IS JUST THE WORST 

- I thought the one on the river was bad. The one of her falling as he dives off the cliff to save her is actively painful 

- Oh, now it looks like we're gonna have a dumb love triangle in the flashback. Yay. *waves tiny flag*

- Bitch, be a bit more grateful. Yes, your ex-lover caught you as you were falling & did so by basically flying, but that's just standard wuxia defiance of physics. Your husband held a FUCKING CARRIAGE with ONE HAND for AT LEAST TWO WHOLE MINUTES to keep you alive before your ex finally showed up

- "Were you really frightened?" Your majesty, what kind of a stupid question is that? 

- The emperor's armour is really pretty, I gotta say 

- Uuuugh, this stupid love story hurts in a bad way 

- I'm just gonna fast forward through it 

- ...and there's the end of the episode.

- That love triangle is going to make me scream, I know it 

- But that does explain how they're going to pad out the episodes a bit more with how far through the plot they are already 

- None of them are even really that pretty to make up for the boring, trite, love triangle plot

- How do they expect to keep my attention through it if I don't even have eye candy?!?! 

- I will be seriously headdesking if this flashback goes on for more than the next ep! 

- Oh well, there we are. The end of ep 6

The Xiaoge Rescue Count at the end of ep 6 stands at 9 for Wu Xie, 13 for the protagonists, 14 for everyone. 

[dreamthinkimagine]

Halloween

For @heartsywritesthethings because she was my first follower!

WARNING: Zombies; Vampires; Ghosts; Witch; May be spooky for some

“That’s not scary.”

“What?! It was a guy who murdered two people and ended up getting murdered by the same tool he used to murder them! And it was in an underground tunnel that led to a slaughterhouse! What do you mean ‘That’s not scary’?!”

“Sorry, Bones. It’s just not scary.”

“Captain, what exactly is the logic behind this?” Spock asked as he studied the bowl of Earth candy set before him. It was the night before Halloween and Jim, Spock, and Bones were sitting on the floor in a circle with a computer in the middle that showed an image of a campfire as they told scary stories.

“Because tomorrow’s Halloween.” Spock raised an eyebrow in confusion. “It’s a holiday where people try to scare each other and eat candy.”

“Not too much,” Bones said. “Eat it in moderation.” In response, Jim instantly took some candy from the bowl and popped a piece into his mouth as he looked at Bones with a smile and a twinkle present in his eye. When he looked back at Spock, he saw his eyebrow was still raised. Seeing that he was not going to be able to explain what Halloween was he said:

“OK, Spock, you can go.”

“Thank you, Captain.” He stood and walked out the door.

“I’ll show him what it is tomorrow.”

“You’re gonna try to scare Spock? Jim, he’s a Vulcan; he’s not scareble.”

“Like your story?” Bones looked at Jim for two seconds before tackling him.

“Bones? No. No. Don’t,” Jim laughed even though nothing had happened until after his plea. Bones drilled his fingers into and against Jim’s belly. “Aaaahahahahahha!” Jim brought up his knees to protect himself, so Bones skated his fingers along his collarbones. “Bohohohohones!” Jim started to rock left and right.

The doctor quickly switched to Jim’s ribs, causing him to squeal and straighten out. He kept one hand spidering at Jim’s ribs and his other squeezed up and down his side; and Jim started to buck. “Stohahahahahap! - DOHOhohohon’t!” Jim said when Bones kneaded his thighs. “Hahaha!” Jim folded up again, but that didn’t stop Bones from getting the sides of his hips.

“Hahahah-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! NOHOHOHO!!” His legs went down so he could protect his hips with his hands, but he couldn’t focus enough to actually do it. “HAHAHAAHIHIHI!!” Bones tickled his hips for another five minutes before giving him a quick squeeze and scratch to his knees. As Jim panted and his giggles started to fade, Bones helped him up.

“That’ll teach you to mock my scary stories. Especially during the days leading up to Halloween.”

“Fair enough, Bones.”

“Now let’s get some dinner, since that candy doesn’t count as one.”

***

What Jim and Bones did not know was that once Spock got back to his Quarters, he asked his computer for a more specific definition of Halloween and how it is celebrated. When he felt he understood, he went and found Scotty.

“Do you believe this to be achievable by tomorrow morning, Mr. Scott?”

“Aye, Mr. Spock,” Scotty said. “Absolutely. Let’s get to work.” As Scotty worked out the technical issues of their plan, Spock had his own mini mission to attend to. He snuck into both Jim’s and Bones’ Quarters and replaced their phasers with replica toys. He also rigged their alarm clocks to go off at 9:00 instead of 6:00 in case Scotty’s logic failed and more time was needed.

He was going to help his friends celebrate Halloween.

***

When Jim’s alarm clock went off the next morning, he rushed through his morning routine so he could get to the Bridge faster. How had that happened? He didn’t set his clock to go off at that time. As he was rushing to the Bridge, he and Bones ran into each other. Literally.

“Jim,” Bones said as he held his hurting head. “What are you doing?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“My, uh, alarm clock went off three hours late.”

“Mine too. What’s happening?”

“I don’t know.” Suddenly, the lights began to turn on and off. On and off. On and off.

“Jim?”

“Something must be wrong with the lighting system. I’ll tell Scotty.” The lights began to flicker faster and faster until they were out.

Only a dim light every one hundred-fifty feet.

“Captain.”

“Spock! This is creepy lighting isn’t it?”

“Appropriate for Halloween?” Spock asked.

“You could say that.”

“Why are you in the hallways, Captain?”

“Our alarm clocks went off three hours late.”

“Curious.” Suddenly they felt a chilling breeze and heard an even more chilling cackle.

“What the - ?!” Bones yelled as the witch flew over them on her broom. Jim and Bones both pulled out their phasers and set to stun the witch...but nothing happened. Their phasers weren’t working. They both got a pit in their stomach and ran with Spock behind them when the witch turned around and began to chase them. Her black cat sat on the edge of the broomstick as it hissed and showed its teeth.

“You can’t run from me,” she said in her high, shrill voice. “Mr. Whiskers...” she said in the creepiest of ways. The cat, in response, looked at the running figures in front of him as he growled. He jumped off of the broom and ran for them at full speed. Jim threw his phaser at the cat, which fell over when hit.

“You’ll pay for that! You’ll pay!” The witch yelled. She waved her hand over the floor and it began to go into a gravitational collapse. The men ran faster, just avoiding the abyss below. The witch called up the lost pieces of the floor and set them back into place with her hand wave.

This time she took both hands off of her broom, waved them, and cackled as she vanished. The three turned around only to see the doors in the halls open - and the ship began to fill with a stench no words could describe. Out from the doors came zombie crewmen! Not just red-shirts. There were yellow and blue too!

They moaned as they reached towards the three with their bony fingers and walked towards them. Bones screamed when some jaws fell off; being a doctor, he knew more than anyone else how wrong it was. He knew what kept the jaw in place, and what would have to happen if it were to fall off. The three of them ran down the dark halls.

“Are you alright, Doctor?”

“No, I’m not you green-blooded - !”

“Brrrrrrraaaiiiinnss...” one of the zombie’s called to them as a piece of flesh fell from its face.

“Captain, why do we run if they can only limp?”

“Do you want them to get your brain?!” Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Either way, I believe we have escaped.” With the zombies out of sight, they stopped to catch their breaths.

“Well, we might be able to slow down, but that doesn’t mean that we should stop moving,” Bones said as he walked further ahead...until he hit something.

“What’d my foot just hit?” As he backed up, it rose straight up. Bones was met with a six foot five inch vampire. He gaped at the soulless eyes. The dark eyes without pupils. The vampire felt McCoy’s neck with its thin, cold fingers and long fingernails.

The monster showed its teeth as it prepared to take a bite. Large, white and sharp. Jim had to grab Bones’ shirt so they could all run the other way. Soon, they heard the moaning again and Jim tripped over a severed zombie head. As the head stared at him, it moaned, “Braaaaiins...” and tried to bite him, but only got his pant leg.

“AAAAAHHH!!!”

“JIM!!” Spock and Bones both yelled. For his Captain, Bones punched the head, making it let go. When they turned, they saw the vampire getting closer. Jim picked up the head and threw it at the crowd of zombies, causing more limbs to fall off, some fell apart completely and others crashed onto the ground.

Bones and Jim ran just past the vampire, who reached out for them, but missed. Spock simply walked up to the creature who smiled and winked at him. Spock nodded at the crewman and went into his Quarters.

***

“I - I think we lost ‘im.” Bones said.

“I think so too. Wait, where’s Spock?!”

“Spock?” Bones called. That was when ten white, yet transparent figures faded through the walls. Jim and Bones, turning as white as ghosts themselves, sprinted down the hall.

“SPOCK!!”

“SPOCK!!” They cried out. As the ghosts grew nearer, so did their fear. Until finally, five ghosts faded through each and through the floor. Both completely out of breath, sweating and still scared.

“Bones?”

“Jim?”

“Don’t look down.”

“I can see it.” The floor was now covered with a thick fog and when they tried to look up to see just how far it was, they were met with a dark figure standing in the middle of the floor.

It suddenly opened it’s eyes - the irises were red. It stepped forward, just barely in the light; casting spooky shadows over it’s face. But Jim realized something about the vampire.

“Spock?!” Spock stepped closer to the two, causing them to back up and fall. Something about Spock being the ghoul made it much more frightening than the others. They couldn’t move - they were frozen. Spock bent down at Jim, opening his mouth.

“Trick-or-Treat, Jim.” As Jim and Bones let out the loudest screams they had ever screamed in their lives, Spock turned and stood.

“Mr. Scott,” he called, “I believe that will be sufficient.”

“Aye!” The lights turned back on, the fog faded, and the zombies, vampire and witch all came out. They began wiping off their faces or taking off masks to reveal that they were just crewmen. Only crewmen. Scotty walked up to Spock.

Jim and Bones sat there on the floor heavily breathing, gaping, and trying to process the last fifteen minutes.

“Y-you...Spock...Scotty...?”

“What...crewman...zombies...?”

“Mr. Spock organized it Captain.”

“As did Mr. Scott. He handled the technical aspects, such as the lights, the witch’s cat and spells, the dismemberment of limbs, and the ghosts.”  

“Mr. Spock got the crew in on it though, switched your phasers, and reset your alarm clocks.”

“You did all this to...to scare us?

“You did say that scaring others is how Halloween is celebrated, Jim.”

“You’re not supposed to give anyone a heart attack!” Bones yelled.

“But, you did get us, Mr. Spock.” Jim and Bones stood.

“Happy Halloween.” Spock said. Jim and Bones looked at each other.

“You get Scotty,” Jim said. “I’ll get Spock.” The crew ran; they knew they’d be next, but at least they’d have time to hide. Spock and Scotty were already laughing; and neither Jim nor Bones planned to stop until they were both cackling like that fake witch.

“Happy Halloween, Jim,” Bones said and gave his side a tweak, earning laughter from his friend.

“Happy Halloween.”

Happy Halloween!

No Cats Were Harmed During The Writing Of This Fic