#'in the meantime enjoy having the weirdest magic name ever'

[egophiliac]

another one that I'm not super happy with, but continuing to mess with it isn't going to help! so here he is! 🦇 there was a lot I was trying to get across in this one, so uhhhhh hopefully it reads.

we're almost out of unique magics now...just Ace (and maybe Grim?) left!

[alovesongshewrote]

They’re So Pretty, It Hurts | Zoe

Plot:  Several minutes of the reader being a disaster

Word Count: 1,870

Warnings:  Pining.  So much pining.

A/N:  it’s woman loving hours, lads.  

Tags: @yagirlcheesely @moppetwithamanbun @tales-of-hisirdoux @blixeon

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Sometimes, you go to a bookstore, and you see a pretty girl.  You make eye contact, and it’s only for a second, but it still takes your breath away.  Her eyes are just so blue, the colour of the sky when the sun is finished rising.  You could get lost in them, you wanted to get lost in them, but instead, you look away almost instantly because being perceived is Not Fun.  Still, your cheeks are warm, and you’re desperate to steal another glance at her.

This is one of those times.  Except you worked at the bookstore, but that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  Bottom line, you’d made eye contact with a cute girl and instantly fallen in love with her.  It be like that sometimes, but we manage and move forward.  You managed and moved forward by hiding behind one of the shelves.  You were not the best at managing and moving forward.  You may have actually gone backwards, I’m not sure.  Either way, your heart was racing, practically beating out of your chest.  It felt you couldn't breathe, like oxygen was made of cute girls, which sounds nice but is, in practice, really impractical and very suffocating.

“Uh, (Y/N)?  You good, mate?”

“Hhjkjadfhkaljdfhakhfd-”

“Oh, fuzzbuckets.”

Your lovely, lovely coworker, Hisirdoux Casperan, had noticed you hiding behind the shelf, which wasn’t difficult at all, really.  You didn’t care though, you were mostly hiding from the cute girl.  Literally, anyone and everyone else who entered the bookstore could see you, but that didn’t matter.  As long as she didn’t see, everything would be fine.  Douxie, however, thought you may have had a stroke.

“(Y/N)?” he gave your arm a little poke, “(Y/N)?  (Y/N) darling, are you-”

“Alkjdhfalksdhfajlksdfhakjf, yeah, sorry, I just-” you didn’t finish your sentence.  You just kind of floated away into the void, attention stolen again by the cute girl.  Her hair was pink, her clothes very punk-rock.  Yeah, yeah, you were a goner.  God, she was pretty.  Oh.  Oh, fuck, she was coming this way.  

You jerked your head to face the books you were hiding behind (something about true crime?  It looked cool, but now was not the time,) while Douxie faced the cute girl head-on.  You would never know where he found the confidence, but you respected it.

“Zoe!  This is (Y/N), she’s the new one I was telling you about.”

Zoe.  Zoe.  You liked it.  It was pretty, like her.  Oh, god, she was talking to you.

“(Y/N), huh?  Cute name, it suits you.”

If you could think coherently, you would have been wondering if that meant she found you cute, but you couldn’t think coherently.  At the moment, your thoughts were mostly “AKJKDSFHKJHG,” and “KSHFJAHFKJHAKDFHKALDFHLAJSDFHKLJADSHFKLHASKDJFHKALS,” and you still couldn’t breathe!  It was very valid of you, to be honest.

“Uhh, thanks.  You too.”

Good, good, that was what a normal person would say.  This was a normal, average conversation.  You definitely didn’t have a huge crush on her or anything, nooooo-

“So, uh… true crime?”

You blinked a few times in confusion before realizing that she was referring to the shelf you were leaning on.  Oh, yeah, true crime.  Oh, god, she was looking at you, they were both looking at you, QUICK THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT TRUE CRIME.

“Uh, yeah, I like… crime.”

Oh, wow that was dumb.  I mean, it wasn’t the worst thing you could have said, but you would always remember that one of the first things you said to Zoe was “I like crime.”

She raised an eyebrow, “You… like crime?”

Too late to back out now, “...Yes.  I’m…  I’m good at crime.  I enjoy arson.”

It was stupid.  Really stupid, like, you didn’t even know where that came from.  But it made her laugh.  And you knew at that moment that you would do anything to make her laugh again.  Her smile was a blessing that brought light into your world, and you wanted to see it every day if she was okay with that.

“Ah, I like you, you’re cute.  Anyway, I have to get back to work, but I’ll see you later.  And you!”

You were trying to recover from the first six words of that sentence, but now she was pointing at you!  And looking!  Eye contact!  Ah!

“Stick around Arcadia, ok?  I wanna see you again.”

“I-I um-” you were straight-up dying now, ok, “Well, you know where to find me!”

Her smile was the most important thing in the world and you would die to protect it.

“Aight, I’m out!  Bye guys!”

“See you, Zo.”

“B-bye!”

As soon as she was gone, you collapsed against the bookshelf and buried your face in your hands.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WELL, that could have gone better, but it didn’t go worse, and for that you were thankful.

Douxie stared at you for a second.  He’d seen friends in this state before, as often as the night prior, actually.  Zoe had had the same reaction when she first saw you that you had to seeing her now, and he’d promised to introduce you.  She’d been so calm earlier because she’d been practicing what to say in the mirror for, like, a day.  You, on the other hand, had not prepared for this.  It was finals week and you had not studied.  Shit, you hadn’t even known about finals week.  Your friend had just devised this gay little plot and it left you a flustered mess with no study materials.  There were no cue cards in this world, only pretty-girl-panic and fits of uncontrollable blushing.

He knelt down to get on your level, “You okay?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Understandable.  You wanna chill in the back for a minute?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

It wasn’t a verbal confirmation, but you nodded, and he took that as a yes.  He helped you to your feet and led you to the back, which was technically his house, but whatever, semantics. 

“Here, I’ll just let you chill for a bit.  I’ll be back soon, please don’t die.”

“I won’t!”

He smiled at that and walked back into the shop to continue dealing with the public.  F in the chat for Douxie.  In the meantime, you just curled yourself into a ball on his couch and made a low humming noise.  Man, were you bad at… everything or what?

“Mrowr?”  You looked up to see a familiar mass of black fur, his head tilted in curiosity.  

“Ah, hey Arch.”

“Mrp.”

“You know you don’t have to do the whole cat thing with me?  I know you can talk.”

“Well, it’s nice to pretend sometimes.  Besides, we don’t know when that door’ll open again or for who.  It’s best to stay inconspicuous.”

You let a small laugh escape you as you started to calm down, your lungs finally getting the oxygen they’d so desperately missed, “I mean, that’s fair.”

“Mrpt?”  which, in cat, meant, “So, what’s up?”

“Well, it’s this girl.  Zoe.  Pink hair, blue eyes, the most gorgeous human being I’ve ever seen.  I just… she’s really cute and I made an absolute fool out of myself in front of her.”

“Mrooooooooooooooooooooow,” meaning, “(Y/N), dear, I know this Zoe.  She’s friends with Douxie.  The bar for general foolery is pretty high.”

“You really think so?”

“Mrow!”  “(Y/N), I know so.  If you like her so much, you should talk to her more!  You’re a nice person, I’m sure she’d like you!”

“Thanks, Arch.”

“Prrbt,” “You’re welcome.”

“Well, I should probably get out there.  Go be a functioning member of society.  Thanks again, bud,”  you gave the cat-dragon a little scratch behind the ears, smiling again at how he stretched up to meet your hand, “See ya around, cat man.”

“See you, (Y/N).”

You gave the familiar one last grin before you slipped out the door, glad that you could breathe, finally.  And then that was ripped away from you by a cute pink-haired lady in the middle of the bookstore.

“Oh!  Zoe!  Hi!”

“Hey, (Y/N)!  I just realized I uh, sort of forgot what I came here for.” 

“That’s understandable!  It happens to me all the time!”

“Heh, yeah,”  she stopped talking and just stared at you for a second.  You did the same before remembering that she said words, and that meant something.

“O-oh, yeah.  What is it that you were looking for?”

“Oh, just,” she pulled a post-it note out of her pocket and handed it to you.  Her finger brushed over yours and you could almost feel a spark there, “Just this.”

“C-cool!  Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, I’ll be right back!”  you gave her a quick nod before running upstairs to grab the book.  While you were distracted, Zoe had her own little meltdown, but she composed herself as soon as she noticed you coming down the stairs.

“Aight, so here you go,” you handed her the book, fingers brushing hers, electricity running through them.  Literally, there was electricity.  You waved it off though.  It was a magical world, and this wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen today (nope, that little award went to “I enjoy arson.”)

“That’ll beeeee, nothing.  Take it.”

“Wait, that’s-that, why?

“I mean, it’s not something I’m allowed to do but, eh, you’re cute.  And I told you I enjoy crime, didn’t I?”

“I’m-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it,” you said, immediately losing any cool persona you may have had.  Zoe didn’t mind.  She thought you were cute no matter what you did.  That in itself was made evident by the blush on her cheeks.

“O-oh.”

You smiled a little.  You did that, you were the cause of it.  You could only hope that she was also okay with this.

“Well,” you bit your lip.  The longer she stayed quiet the more you doubted your flirting skills, “I’ll be seeing you!”

“Wait!”

Your head shot up, eyes immediately focused on her, ready to hear whatever she had to say.  Man, you were a simp.

“I uh… I was wondering if I could get your number?  With this?”

You were pretty sure you died for a second, but when you recovered, you stuttered out a, “Yeah,” and quickly wrote your name and number on the post-it note she’d handed you.

The smile she gave you when you passed her the note was quite possibly the best thing you’d ever seen in your life.

“Well, I’ll call you!  Or text you, or whatever…”

You couldn’t help but laugh at how nervous she was, because that was a solid mood, “I look forward to it!”

And with that, she was gone, but she couldn’t stop thinking about your laugh, and how she’d do anything to see your smile again.

Inside, you were thinking the same, or you were until Douxie re-appeared from wherever he'd been hiding.

"Congratulations!"

You jumped an entire foot in the air, something you didn't really think was possible until right then, "Jesus Christ, Casperan!  Don't sneak up on me like that, God.  That's the seventh time today, we need to get you a cowbell or something, my Go-"

"So, did it go well?"

Your satisfaction painted itself on your face, "Yeah," you hummed, looking out the window, "It went well."

[megabadbunny]

Star Wars ramble

I have thoughts about the new Star Wars, and this is where I shall barf them out. Spoilers ahead!

Holy hell this movie is a mixed bag. There were things I utterly adored, and things I absofuckinglutely hated. I saw the movie at a preview screening Thursday night and it has seriously taken me the last four days to really parse through stuff in my head, because this bag is so mixed, it’s like the overturned candy bucket of an overenthusiastic trick-or-treater whose neighborhood contains the best of the best and the bottom-of-the-barrel-est of the worst. In short, as far as I’m concerned, The Last Jedi is brimming with full-size Snickers bars and stale candy corn alike.

First, I wanna start out with some pros (gimme those sweet sweet Reese cups and boxes o’ Nerds, pleez!):

- ALL THE LEIA. Every single bit of Leia. 

- And no, it’s not just nostalgia/grief/rose-tinted glasses coloring my view here. Her character is just so excellent. Was her floating-through-space thing super cheesy? It sure fucking was, and I fucking loved every cheesy-ass second of it, because how fucking awesome is that??? Getting to see Leia use the Force in the weirdest, magical-est of ways?? Especially because, given Carrie Fisher’s passing, I was afraid they might have to cut Leia’s part short in the movie, so for a few minutes, I genuinely thought she might have been dead during the space battle. So seeing her come back just flooded me with happiness--and seeing her come back using the Force, surviving the motherfucking vacuum of space using the Force, was just one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen onscreen.

- Also, goddamn, Carrie Fisher’s acting is underrated. The moments where she could sense her son’s presence, the exchange with Luke, just, gah. All so beautifully done. And watching her butt heads with Poe was so satisfying. AND SEEING HER WITH A BLASTER AGAIN??? BE STILL MY FRANTICALLY HAMMERING NERDY HEART.

- Luke’s character arc in this was brilliant. Depressing? Yep. Heartbreaking? You betcha. But brilliant. I can definitely see why Mark Hamill took issue with it. All of our previous exposure to Luke (in the films, anyway) has shown us someone full of optimism, positive to the point of recklessness, brash and impulsive but caring and dedicated and overall committed to making the galaxy a better place. So to see him so bitter and closed-off--it hurt. But it also made sense. A person can only take so much heartbreak and pain and failure before they seal themselves off. And his return to form at the end of the movie was so much sweeter. I won’t lie, in many ways, I would have preferred things to have gone differently for the Skywalker family--not that everything has to be peaches and roses and sunshine all the time, but it feels like JJ Abrams and Rian Johnson might have shat on the Skywalkers a bit more than necessary for the sake of making things *~*dark*~* or *~*edgy*~* or *~*gritty*~*, a la Rowling in the seventh Harry Potter. But more on that later...and in the meantime, given the circumstances, I very much appreciated Luke’s portrayal.

- The Luke and Yoda parallels, I love them. 

- I appreciated seeing repercussions for the brash actions of certain characters, particularly Poe. I really liked Poe in this movie, and I really enjoyed seeing him be both right and horribly horribly wrong, since so many movies tend to idolize that type of character. It was refreshing for the movie to acknowledge the death toll involved in harebrained schemes gone wrong. It’s really easy to overlook the casualties of unnamed background characters in any war movie, but especially fantasy war movies; this movie didn’t shy away from letting us know that war is not glamorous, people do die, and it all takes a toll. I was deeply appreciative that Poe really took some of Holdo’s stuff to heart near the end of the movie.

And now, some cons, i.e., root beer barrels and Hubba Bubba gum:

- Gonna get the biggest one out of the way right upfront: The fuck is up with Rey’s parentage reveal. The actual fuck. Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate, in many ways, that this is a broadening of the Star Wars universe, and that the entire Star Wars universe does not revolve around the Skywalkers. I don’t have a problem with that. I have a problem with what feels like a bait-and-switch pulled by Rian Johnson. It really feels like TFA set things up to reveal that Rey was Luke’s kid--see this post for more on that, if you wanna go full nerd (and I doooooo), but long story short, why bother with Maz’s line about how the lightsaber was Luke’s, and his father’s before him, and “now it calls to you,” why when Rey touched the lightsaber would she have visions about events for which this particular lightsaber was not present, why have the TFA trailer voiceover with Luke saying “The Force runs strong in my family, my father has it, I have it, my sister has it, you have that power too,” why all the parallels between Anakin and Luke and Rey, why why why? Why show Rey’s memories of her family leaving interspersed with visions of Luke’s personal trauma? Why show her family leaving the planet only to reveal that they apparently drank themselves to death right on Jakku?

Rian Johnson claims he wants to subvert tropes and expectations, and while I can respect that, there’s a huge difference between subverting audience expectations and flat-out lying to your audience. At worst, he’s guilty of the latter; at best, he’s guilty of some very poorly-planned and lazy writing.

I know I have read before that originally, JJ Abrams was going to reveal Rey’s parentage in TFA but Rian Johnson asked him not to, and between that and bits of the TFA screenplay (”He looks at Rey. A kindness in his eyes, but there's something tortured, too. He doesn't need to ask her who she is, or what she is doing here. His look says it all”) and the fact that Daisy Ridley thought “it was obvious” and “the question was already answered” in TFA, not to mention that Rian Johnson talks about “making a choice” re: Rey’s parents--long story short, I would not be surprised to find out that JJ Abrams had originally planned to reveal that Rey was Luke’s daughter, but Rian asked him not to so he could pursue his own agenda. It just feels like a move worthy of Moffat-- “Ha ha, you thought this one thing because I all-but-explicitly said it was so, but actually, nope! Here’s something else! Ha ha!”

Like, Luke’s projection at the end of the film? That’s actually a great example of the subversion of audience expectations. We assume that Luke is actually there in-person, because why wouldn’t we? But hindsight shows viewers that the film actually contains a fair bit of precedent, hints, and setup for Luke to project his presence rather than show up in-person; for one thing, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen Force-projection in the film. For another thing, Luke says in the film, repeatedly, that nothing Rey can say or do will get him to leave his island, and it ends up being technically true (whoo foreshadowing). Then there’s the matter of how he looks different than he has for the majority of the film, and how his boots don’t leave imprints on the planet surface like everyone else’s.

Does the film want us to assume that Luke is there in-person? Yep! Is the film playing on our own presumptions and expectations and letting our brains fill in the blanks, even if they do it incorrectly? Sure is! But does the film lie to us? No. The clues are there, even if you don’t know to look for them on first watch. This subversion is earned. But this same well-crafted storytelling is simply nowhere to be seen as far as the reveal of Rey’s parentage is concerned. 

I’m sure some will argue that stuff like Rey’s weird endless-mirror-thing on the island offers enough hints that her parents are nobodies (showing her only herself when she asks about her family), that the film isn’t lying or retconning stuff from TFA. But for a film that relies so heavily on its predecessor in some ways, picking up literal moments, it seems, after the end of TFA, The Last Jedi just doesn’t seem all that interested in furthering a lot of TFA’s plot points. Who’s Snoke? Who cares! Finn and Rey have an intriguing and compelling relationship? Let’s put that on the backburner and introduce an entirely new person instead. Remember all the things in TFA that suggest a connection between Luke and Rey, whether familial or not? How’s about we give literally zero shits about that personal connection, at all, and pursue one between Rey and Kylo Ren instead? Let’s just drop a whole bunch of shit from the first movie, then come in with a battering-ram and say, “Oh, by the way, this thing isn’t what you thought it was. Psych!” 

Long story short, it would have been different if the deep Force connection between Luke and Rey had been explored in TLJ, to the point where you could tell that Rey is genuinely starting to wonder if Luke could actually be her father. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for her to wonder that, given the circumstances! But if you had tiny hints and foreshadowings sprinkled throughout, suggesting that maybe, possibly, she’s not from this famous, important family after all, no matter how desperately she wishes it--imagine, growing up thinking you’re nobody, and then realizing you could be the ultimate somebody!--then the final revelation that her parents aren’t just no-names, they’re despicable shitheads who sold their daughter for drinking-money--that would be absolutely crushing. As it is, it’s just sort of frustrating. The movie had ample opportunity to tie in her attachment to Luke with her familial issues; finding out that Luke isn’t her father, that they’re not family, would be a powerful potential breaking point for her. Especially if, at some point near the end of the film, Rey realizes that her garbage biological family doesn’t matter--it’s the family she has chosen for herself, Luke and Leia and particularly Finn, that’s important.

I’m not saying Rey has to be a Skywalker--I’m saying that the movie did a very bad job revealing the fact that she isn’t. The setup makes for a very unsatisfying payoff, not to mention it kind of feels like the audience was lied to. It feels like Rian Johnson sacrificed storytelling for the sake of putting his own *~*dark*~*~ and *~*~gritty*~*~* and *~*~*realistic*~*~* spin on the Star Wars story. To me (and I’m sure to many others), this revelation did not feel earned, but rather slapped on.

- Not a huuuge fan of the gritty grimdark trend, especially not a huge fan of it in Star Wars. Does the Star Wars saga as a whole have its dark moments? Certainly, and most of them are well-earned. But the whole “Look, another Vader” + Luke’s self-imposed exile + Han and Leia’s separation + Han’s death + the dissolution of the Rebellion/Resistance + being sent right back to square one with the Empire, mark II + Rey’s even-more-tragic-than-we-initially-believed backstory all starts to feel like a bit much after a while. Like “Look how dark and depressing we are, look how edgy, look how subversive.” In an age where the cinema seems obsessed with ultragrittygrimdark stuff and unfettered cynicism, this is not subversive or new; this is part of the new status quo.

- STOP SAYING THE WORD “HOPE” IT’S LOSING ALL MEANING DEAR SWEET BABY JEBUS

Mmmkay back to some Skittles-pros, because those cons were rough and now it’s good candy time again:

- Finn exists in this movie. And I luff him. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh <3 <3 <3

- LIGHTSABER FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS ermergerd the lightsaber fiiiiiiiiiiiights

- Super fun aerial battles, woot woot

- Kylo’s character development is sooo interesting. I enjoy how on one hand he’s a petty entitled manbaby, but on the other hand, that unbridled rage makes him super unstable and kind of terrifying??? Like even to the point of just slaughtering the fuck out of his Master? Like holy shit dude, you need some therapy like nobody’s business. I waffled on whether I trusted Kylo--which makes sense, given that Kylo himself doesn’t seem entirely certain of his affiliations, except that he’s ultimately looking out for No. 1. The movie did a great job of making me very curious to see where they’ll take Kylo next!

- Rose is adorable and I really loved watching her geek out at the beginning of the movie. And her sister’s death, and her response to it, was just heartbreaking.

And now back to the cons, aka toothbrushes and pennies:

- The casino planet was kind of cool to look at, but ultimately a waste of time. Like a huge waste of time. Cut the casino and Del Toro’s character out of the movie and barely anything is affected. 

- The whole “It’s salt” bit. Why does it matter. Why did this need to be pointed out. Was Disney afraid people would think the red stuff was blood...? Also why did the guy feel compelled to put dirt/salt in his mouth. People’s shoes have been there. Dat’s nasty. 

- The movie did Phasma dirty. Both movies did. Again, you could have taken Phasma out of both films and it wouldn’t really have made much of a difference. Phasma is like the Boba Fett of this trilogy, except even less impactful, somehow??? Which is just a shame because she’s so fucking cool! Not to mention the only real female villain in the Star Wars filmverse! as;dlkfja;oseirja;weoraie;jr

Some more treats, perhaps?

- Yoda’s scene really got me. At first I was a little iffy, but as it went on, I liked it more and more. And his message about learning from failure was just particularly poignant. And I’m so glad they used puppet-Yoda. I don’t care if you can tell it’s a puppet. It still looks a hundred times better than full-CG-Yoda. :P

- As always, the music is wonderful--but I feel like that goes without saying! It’s John Williams, of course it’s wonderful!

- Also as always, the production design is just so frikkin’ good. The costumes, the sets, the ships, and a much better blend of animatronics/models + CG than we’ve seen just about anywhere else in recent years. Everyone on the creative team did a fabulous job of bringing new ideas to the table while also making it still feel like this is all set in the same galaxy that we first saw and fell in love with in the original trilogy. Also thank you to the costume designer for not giving Leia Dracula-butt-shaped hair in this movie. <3

Another stick or two:

- Why the hint of romance between Finn and Rose...? Why the kiss...? They’ve known each other for literally less than a day, why are they talking about love and kissing on the mouth????

- Is it just me or did Chewie kind of get sidelined...? Like completely...? And why is it necessary to suspend Leia in a coma for a goodly chunk of the movie? This movie suffers from multiple instances of “characters can’t or won’t reveal their plans or thoughts to others, mostly for highly contrived reasons if reasons are even given at all, so a bunch of dumbfuck misunderstandings ensue that could and should have easily been resolved, all because we took the easy/lazy way out,” and, bleh. Lazy writing.

- Too many new characters dividing our attention and investment. Del Toro’s character should have been removed and Rose should have been our code-breaker; Holdo’s character traits and actions should have been split up between Leia and Poe. (Not that I want to see Poe die, but in a film with such strong themes of failure, loss, and learning, it would have been more impactful and made more sense for Poe to learn from his earlier recklessness and sacrifice himself rather than endanger others, as opposed to a one-off character we didn’t have any time or inclination to emotionally invest in.) A movie is like a pie; the more characters who take a slice, the smaller each slice is, and characters like Leia, Finn, Rose, and Chewie all deserved bigger pieces than they got, dammit.

- Seriously why the fuck didn’t Holdo just tell Poe what she was planning???? The mutiny side plot was interesting, I guess, but mostly it just seemed like her character--for all that she was actually highly intelligent--was suddenly too stupid to realize that you can’t effectively execute a plan if your officers don’t know what that fucking plan is.

- Friend-spouse said this film gave very little payoff for anything set up in the first; work-spouse said this film’s dialogue was written like that of a comic book; spouse-spouse said this film reminded him of Return of the Jedi, in that it has some of his very favorite moments in the series, and some of his very least favorite. I am tempted to agree with all of the spouses.

- Overall this movie almost feels like a filler episode in a TV series. A few things happen to push the story forward--Luke, Kylo, and Poe’s character development, for example--but so much stuff just sort of seemed to happen for the sake of happening, and could have been trimmed, if not excised completely, to make for a stronger movie.

And to end the post on a positive note:

- Luke’s moments of punking his nephew/generally being a sassy bitch = amazeballs

-  DAT JUMP TO HYPERSPACE RIGHT THRU THE ENEMY SHIP THOUGH as;dlkfjasofijASLEIRJWOEIRJEORIlskdjfaoierjw;aeorijLASJIEFORIWEJ ER MER GERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD

- Stupid cute adorable Porgs, arrrrrgh, we hates them, precious, yes we do

And that’s it! I definitely want to watch it again, will for sure own it, certainly enjoyed it more than Rogue One. But yeah, not gonna lie: I’m actually looking forward to JJ Abrams’ return for Ep IX.

[kateofthecanals]

For the (Not)Watch: Episode 7.7

Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over... Or Just Beginning(?)

As far as anyone reviewing this episode is concerned, all that really matters in this 80-minute-long episode is the final 5 minutes. 75 minutes of utter nonsense will likely be immediately forgotten because... well, first things first...

The season finale was written by D&D, and in case you were doubtful about that, the opening scene contained not, not two, but FIVE cock-bombs within the first 2 minutes. Excellent jobs, guys, WHEW, in fact the TV Academy is gonna change their rules and issue you an honorary Emmy just for that brilliant feat alone!

Anyway, the Unsullied are all standing outside... well, I thought it was Casterly Rock but I guess it’s just outside the Red Keep? Bronn is running around giving orders even though he told Jaime last episode that he was peacing out, then he and Jaime have a super profound conversation about how the only thing worth fighting for is your dick. Gosh, Dave & Dan really outdone themselves this time!

Then they are somehow taken by surprise by the Dothraki suddenly being right on their doorstep, even though they’re high up on the battlements and shoulda seen that coming for at least a few miles but whatever.

Meanwhile, Dany’s ships make their way up the Blackwater, where Euron’s fleet is parked. Tyrion and Jon then have a little convo about city-livin’. Meanwhile, Sanford sneaks below decks and starts knocking on the crate containing the wight because he is an infant with no self-control. (Seriously, can someone please get him a goddamn fidget-spinner or a coloring book or something??)

In the RK, Cersei is giving a little pre-game pep talk to Gregor, telling him to just go ahead and kill everyone if something goes wrong, while Jaime looks on in... Confusion? Horror? Constipation? Not sure what exactly this look was supposed to be:

So Team North is making their way toward the Keep on foot while Jorah gives Missendei a history lesson about the dragonpit (we assume, since it’s never actually referred to by name) and they are soon met with Bronn followed by a team of Lannister soldiers as well as Pod and Brienne, who makes immediate eye-contact with Sandor. They follow Bronn up the trail and Pod has a little reunion with Tyrion that was almost heartfelt until Bronn moseys by and yells “Come on, you can suck his magic cock later!”

Speaking of reunions, Brienne lags back to fall in step with Sandor, who, shockingly, does not tell her to “fuck off”! She tells him she was only trying to protect Arya, and he says “You and me both.” She then reveals that she is alive and in Winterfell. He asks who is protecting her if she (Brienne) is here and Brienne says that the only one who needs protecting is the one who gets an Arya’s way, to which Sandor replies with a slight glint, “It won’t be me.” They exchange a knowing look.

So SIGH okay... if it weren’t for the fact that I am getting so thoroughly gypped on SanSan, I’d probably enjoy this scene a lot more. I’m not terribly mad that they didn’t bring up Sansa, only because Brienne has no knowledge of a pre-existing “relationship“ between her and Sandor, and I’m very happy that (a) Sandor was able to have a conversation with someone like a fucking grown-up for a change and (b) that he and Brienne have set aside their differences, because I ALWAYS wanted them to be allies (especially where Sansa is concerned). But knowing how much D&D prioritize Sandor’s relationship with Arya makes me instinctively begrudging of this scene... because we should have had at least ONE mention of Sansa in his presence this season ffs. Like, in this scene alone, why they hell couldn’t Jon have interrupted and been like “uhhhh what are you doing here, shouldn’t you be looking after Sansa at WF?” BOOM. It’s that fucking easy, folks. So, yeah, I guess I kinda love/hate this scene. (If we do end up getting SanSan in Season 8, I’ll happily revisit this scene with fresh perspective!)

Meanwhile, another riveting reunion between Tyrion and Bronn, where Tyrion reminds Bronn of his offer that he will pay double whatever Cersei’s paying him, and Bronn’s like “nah I’m delivering a bunch of traitors to the Queen’s feet, the payout’s gonna be amazeballs!”

So they all arrive to the Main Stage and are just sorta milling around until Cersei gets there. While they’re waiting, Sandor rolls up on Tyrion and talking about how he left the city because he didn’t wanna die in it and ask if he’s actually gonna die in it. UM THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN THERE??? Seriously, why was it so crucial for HIM to be there instead of, say, Tormund? Or Beric? Why didn’t Jon say, “yo, thanks for helping catch this wight, now I think your services would be more useful in Winterfell with my sisters” or something? Or why wouldn’t Sandor have volunteered to do that himself? Why wouldn’t he have 100% protested going back to King’s Landing, where he is a wanted man and where, but his own admission, he didn’t want to be because he didn’t want to die there?? UGH......

So anyway, Sandor blames Tyrion for him being there (uh, no) and says every bad idea seems to have a Lannister behind it, and Tyrion counters by saying every bad Lannister idea has a Clegane to help carry it out.

AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT, YOU GUYS?? Yep, Gregor leads the Cersei party into the pit, and everybody’s eyeballin’ each other -- Cersei giving stankeye to Tyrion, Euron leering at Theon, Brienne tryna catch Jaime’s eye but he just totally breezing past her (rude!)...

Everyone takes their seats but first Sandor and Gregor need to beat their chests at each other for a bit.

Sandor points out that Gregor is “even uglier” than himself now and asks “What did they do to you?” And I couldn’t help but detect a slight note of pity in Sandor’s voice and on his face... which he actually has to “snap” himself out of. (I’m sure this was all Rory and not something D&D intended in the script.)

^^ That’s not the exact shot I’m talking about, but even here, it’s kind of hard to look at this and believe there’s just unbridled hate happening. RMC himself has stated that he doesn’t believe Sandor is full of hate anymore, and that seems evident in his performance during this scene. He delivers the lines which are clearly meant to seed “Cleganebowl” in such a way that makes it seem more like he’s saying “You’re a fucking shitperson but look at you now, you have no more power over me and you’re just kinda pathetic and I’m done.” That’s how it read to me, that’s how Rory made me feel in this scene despite the actual words they made him recite, and I’m sticking to it! ;-P

Anywayyyyyz, Sandor then disappears into the barracks below while everyone is now sitting around waiting for Dany. She finally makes her grand entrance on Drogon’s back, and everyone is in awe, including those who have seen the damn dragons before, all except Cersei, who could not look less impressed.

So, now that everyone is assembled for “Westeros’s Got Talent”, host Tyrion Lannister can now introduce---

Oops, nope, wait, first Euron has to pull his Drunk Uncle act and start taunting Theon. Tyrion’s like CAN WE PLEASE REMOVE THE HECKLERS and then Euron makes a joke about Tyrion’s height until finally Cersei's like SIT THE FUCK DOWN OR GET THE FUCK OUT.

So now Tyrion can begin his spiel, and eventually Jon jumps in to deliver the most motivational line ever: “This isn’t about living in harmony; it’s just about living.” Cool incentive, bro! He then explains that the million people living in KL are about to become soldiers in the Army of the Dead, and Cersei’s like “That would be an improvement for them!” HAHAHA SMALLFOLK SO DUMB AND USELESS AMIRITE??

Dany tells Cersei that she won’t make any moves against her until the Northern threat is dealt with and is only looking for a truce in the meantime, but Cersei “Blew Up a Sept To Steal The Throne” Lannister says she doesn’t trust the word of a would-be usurper lolololol.

Then Tyrion’s like “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MAY I PRESENT TO YOU... THE WHITE WALKER!!!!”

Cue Sandor lugging the crate up the steps and taking like an hour to open it. When he finally does, nothing happens, and it’s starting to get super awkward and Sandor’s like “psssst come on dude you’re embarrassing me!” before he finally just kicks over the crate. The wight goes buckwild and starts running straight toward Cersei but Sandor stops him just in time with a little chain leash (from the Sandra Bolton Collection™?). NOW we have Cersei’s attention!

Then it turns into the weirdest infomercial I’ve ever seen...

Are you tired of ORDINARY weapons that just WON’T give you the white walker-killing results you need? UGH! There has GOT to be a BETTER WAY!

Introducing the DragonGlass5000™!

It slices! It dices! It kills all those pesky white walkers INSTANTLY!

The patented forged-by-dragon-fire blades are so durable, they can cut through bones as easily as a tomato!

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

If you act now, we’ll throw in an entire Northern army ABSOLUTELY FREE! (Just pay processing and handling.)

ORDER TODAY BEFORE THE ARMIES OF DARKNESS DESCEND UPON US ALL!

Of course Qyburn has a total necro-boner over all of this, while Euron “Will Make Ramsay Look Like a Puppy” Greyjoy is right SHOOK?? LOL okay... He asks Jon if they can swim and Jon says “it depends on the plot” no, and Euron’s like GOOD CUZ I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH MY FLEET AND HOLING UP ON THE IRON ISLANDS CUZ I’M AFEEEAAARRRED!!! And he just leaves.

Anyway, Cersei’s like WELL I’M CONVINCED and accepts the truce, under the condition that the North remains neutral and doesn’t take up arms against the Lannisters ever. Which seems like a pretty reasonable deal but then Jon “Always Has To Ruin Everything” Snow is like NO DEAL CUZ DANY AND ME ALREADY GOIN’ STEADY. Cersei’s like “Okay cool then have fun with your zombie buddies, Lannister Out!”

As they’re leaving, someone pretending to be Brienne of Tarth tries to convince Jaime to talk to the Queen because “fuck loyalty!” and “honor” and “oaths”! Of course the person who abandoned Sansa in order to go revenge-kill Stannis and then suffer zero consequences from that decision would say such a thing... (Oh dear gods, Gwen, please PLEASE read the books....)

Dany and Tyrion then begin to berate Jon for not lying to Cersei, and Jon actually makes some valid points about how words stop having any meaning if people just keep lying and making false promises (am I watching the same show??). Finally Tyrion volunteers to go chitty-chat with Cersei...

Now, the fact that Cersei left the pit without immediately calling for the arrest of Tyrion and/or Sandor is rather preposterous. And before you say “but doing that woulda started an all-out war right then and there!”, let me remind you that Tyrion wouldn’t let Jon go and talk to Cersei because he was convinced Cersei would KILL him “for sure”.... Sooo obviously they didn’t think Cersei would be too concerned that pulling some bullshit would start more bullshit. And let’s be honest -- who would have really cared if she’d called for Sandor’s arrest? No one’s going to war over the Hound. :-/

So Tyrion goes to see Cersei, and Peter and Lena act their faces off, which is nice I guess if not for the stilted dialogue but they always manage to sell it. At one point, Tyrion triple-dog-dares Cersei to just go ahead and have him killed (Gregor’s body is ready!) but somehow she can’t bring herself to do it... Plot Armor is just too strong! Tyrion insists he’s still pro-Lannister and Cersei’s asks then why the hell is he working with Dany and he says he believes she’ll make the world a better place (with his sage guidance). He then soon figures out that she’s pregnant but only because she’s been rubbing her belly and wiggling her eyebrows up and down at him for the last 15 minutes...

Meanwhile, in the dragonpit, Team North is just kicking rocks (or animal bones) while Dany and Jon talk about dragons and shit and at some point she mentions how she can’t have kids, and Jon asks who told her, and she says “the witch who killed my husband” -- which, if I’m not mistaken, never actually happened on the show? Seriously, can’t these guys hire a fucking continuity supervisor or something who can be like “yo that never happened in previous seasons??” I mean, not that they’d ever listen to him... So, nevermind I guess.

Anyway, the best part of this scene is the rest of the characters literally just wandering aimlessly in the background.

So then Tyrion comes moping back into the pit to deliver the news, but before he can say anything, Cersei and her posse comes stomping the runway once more and she announces that she’s sending all her peeps north with them and that she hopes that they remember how nice she was once the war is over (mmm-hmmmmm)...

Meanwhile in Winterhell, Sansa has received a raven from Jon telling her he’s pledged allegiance to Dany and of course she’s annoyed af, and of course LF is right there next to her like “Oh my GOD I cannot BELIEVE he did that to you what a DICK!!” and also of course suggests that Sansa could reclaim her claim if Jon decides to go kick it with Dany on the reg, but Sansa says Arya would probably kill her for that. Then LF starts laying down his step-by-step scientific method for figuring out what someone wants and suggests Sansa use it on Arya, which leads them both to the laughable conclusion that Arya herself wants to be Lady of Winterfell. Yeah, sure, the girl who specifically stated in the first season that she didn’t want to be a lady AT ALL... wants to rule Winterfell. Gold stars all around, geniuses!!

Team North is back on Dragonstone plotting their next move. Jon wants Dany to sail with him to White Harbor as opposed to Jorah’s idea that she fly there herself because it’s safer. Buuuut we already know how this goes, don’t we? Dany of course takes Jon’s suggestion.

Later on, Jon and Theon have a heart-to-heart which SEEMED like it was going in the direction of Theon declaring that he always considered the Starks more like his family than the Greyjoys and that he wanted to atone for betraying Robb by fighting for Jon’s cause but AHHHHHAHAHA PSYCHE he’s totally choosing his abusers! Hooray! With that, he tries to catch a ride back to KL to rescue Yara and gets the shit beat out of him in one of the most disgusting scenes I’ve ever seen on this show, where Theon has to “prove his worth” by learning how to be violent again. Awesome. It all culminates in a truly reprehensible moment where he is kicked between the legs but.... it doesn’t have any effect?? For some reason?? I’m no goddamn expert but I am pretty sure a swift knee to the groin would hurt like hell whether you have a penis or not. Wow, a new low even for D&D....

Back at Winterhell, Sansa is standing out on the battlements looking very introspective, then she tells a random guard to bring Arya to the Great Hall.

Cut to the Great Hall, where Sansa and Bran are seated up front and the rest of the room seems to be populated only by LF, Yohn Royce, and soldiers... meaning, no Northern Lords present. An important detail to keep in mind... Anyway, Arya is brought before Sansa and Sansa starts rattling off a list of charges. “How do you respond to these charges.... LORD BAELISH??”

LF is like WHO, ME?? And Sansa pulls out ALL the receipts, starting with Lysa, then the letter she wrote to Cat, then LF betraying Ned. LF’s all YOU WEREN’T THERE YOU CAN’T PROVE A THING to which Miss Cleo decides to pipe in recall how LF put a knife to Ned’s throat and whatnot, which everyone just IMMEDIATELY buys without question.

(gosh, if only there was someone who HAD been there and witnessed it firsthand and could have provided concrete evidence in lieu of having to call the Psychic Friends Network for verification...)

Sansa repeatedly asks LF if he denies these charges and LF repeatedly responds YES but apparently it’s just a rhetorical question? Sansa thanks LF for all the lessons and gives Arya the go to slice his throat open. The End.

Sooooo. Yeah. Much like the Sandor/Brienne scene, I have a complicated love/hate relationship with this scene. For starters the GIGANTIC ASS-PULL it required to get here. Apparently D&D would like us to believe that, thanks to Bran, Sansa and Arya have been in possession of this information for some time now, and I guess they want us to also believe that Arya’s threats to kill Sansa were just a ruse (which they were BOTH in on) in order to lead on LF?? Huh? First of all, WHY? What could POSSIBLY have been the point?? How the fuck did that conversation go??

Bran: “LF totally betrayed Dad.”

Sansa: “Really? Holy shit, we need to execute his ass immediately.”

Arya: “No, wait! I have an even BETTER idea! Let’s make him think we want to kill each other first!”

Sansa: “OMG brilliant!”

???????????????????????

And then they proceed to threaten each other BEHIND CLOSED DOORS?? THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. If this is truly what we are meant to believe, then they should have given us some indication that LF WAS DIRECTLY AWARE of their fighting, either by showing one of his little spies scurrying out of the woodwork after one of Sansa & Arya’s confrontations, or show LF himself observing nearby. Then we could at least buy that Sansa and Arya were putting on a show for him. But Sansa was SEARCHING ARYA’S ROOM IN SECRET and Arya CLOSED THE DOOR BEHIND HER when she threatened to cut Sansa’s face off! GIVE ME A MOTHERDUCKING BREAK.

A more likely scenario, of course, is that Arya really DID mean all those threats, and they both only became aware of what was happening very recently thanks to Bran. BUT THAT STILL MEANS THAT ARYA FUCKING THREATENED TO KILL HER SISTER. That also means that both of them were too stupid to realize for themselves that LF was playing them and needed Dionne Warwick to clue them in.

Then we get to the way in which LF’s execution was... executed. Soooo I guess this is what the Starks do now? Just murder people willy-nilly without any sort of due process? Much like Ramsay, this felt more like personal vengeance than actual justice. As I mentioned above, no other Northern Lords were present, LF repeatedly denied the charges, but Sansa was just like “Well too bad, DIE!” Aside from Lysa’s death, the only “evidence” they had for the other charges was a kid who talks to trees. Pretty sure that wouldn’t hold up in a trial... which I guess is why they kept the Northern Lords out of this altogether. They never even mentioned how LF conspired with the Tyrells to kill Joffrey -- something he ADMITTED to Sansa. He ADMITTED to conspiracy to commit regicide. This, along with the murder was Lysa, is something he could actually be charged with a crime for. But because the victim was someone Sansa hated anyway, it didn’t “count”. Which proves that none of this was actually about justice; it was vengeance.

Let’s also remember that Sansa finding out that Littlefinger betrayed her father HAPPENED OFF-SCREEN. D&D prioritized a GOTCHA! moment over getting to see Sansa’s reaction to finding out that the man she’s spent the last 4 seasons with was responsible for her father’s death, to see how she came to the conclusion that this was the final straw and that he needed to be dealt with. It’s a moment we've been waiting 7 SEASONS FOR. I don’t know about you, but I would have rather seen that ANY DAY instead of this lame, contrived “ruse” she and Arya cooked up. Because I care more about seeing Sansa learn the truth than I am about seeing Littlefinger get his throat cut. (It’s a very close second though...)

So... yay, Littlefinger’s dead, I guess. And bravo to Sansa for not SMIRKING about it afterwards. But leave it to D&D to make one of the most anticipated moments of the entire series just completely “meh”.

^^^ how one SHOULD look after sentencing a man to death

Down in KL, Cersei finds Jaime planning the expedition north and she’s like “You idiot, we’re not going North.” Of course he’s like BITCH WHAT THE HELL?? He tells her (AGAIN) that they cannot beat Dany & Jon’s combined forces alone, and their only option is to join or die. Cersei again brings up the damn Golden Company and seemed pretty convinced that that (along with sweet sweet ca$h) is their ticket to victory. She then reveals that the real reason Euron left in the middle of the white walker infomercial was because he’s sailing to Essos to recruit the GC. Jaime’s like

But Cersei’s like “yeah well you kiki’d with Tyrion without telling me so we’re even!” But Jaime’s like LOOK BITCH I pledged to go North and that’s what Imma do, which Cersei calls treason. Jaime’s like GURL BYE but he’s intercepted by Gregor. He’s like “oh what you gonna KILL ME now? I’m all you have left!” But Cersei’s like “eh, not really” so Jaime’s like “Then do it, hoe.” She’s REALLY close too but he calls her bluff and struts away. On what freaking planet does Cersei come closer to having JAIME killed than Tyrion???

Last we see Jaime, he’s riding North, presumably by himself.

In Winterfell, Sam and Gilly show up, which answers the question from 2 weeks ago: “Did Sam abandon the Night’s Watch?” LOL why yes, yes he did. He immediately goes to see Bran and then it’s STORYTIME! Gather round, everybody, to hear this tale of how D&D completely screwed the pooch on Jon’s parentage!

See, once upon a time, there was completely Unproblematic White Boy named Rhaegar, a Crown Prince who had a PoC wife named Elia and two kids named Aegon and Rhaenys. You may remember them as the SOLE REASON OBERYN MARTELL CAME TO KING’S LANDING IN SEASON 4.

For reasons unexplained other than TWOO WUV, Rhaegar left his wife and two children, somehow convinced a septon to issue an annulment behind their backs, effectively making their children/heirs into bastards, and then secretly married Lyanna Stark and had another baby with her, whom he also named Aegon(????), simply because “he loved her.” Yep, that’s it. No prophecies, no ambiguity whatsoever... Just a dude who wanted to get his fuck on with another lady, and “Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie”.

Except Robert’s Rebellion was actually built on the fact that the King murdered one of his feudal lords and his son in cold blood when they appealed to him to make Rhaegar answer for absconding with their daughter & sister. Not an unreasonable request???? Since she was only 15 and betrothed to someone else??

So while Bran is spinning the yarn of The Princess Bride II, we see him in a garden watching as Rhaegar & Lyanna are tying the knot (literally), and I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE SO CHEAP THEY COULDN’T GET RHAEGAR A DIFFERENT WIG AND HAD TO USE VISERYS’S INSTEAD.

And while we’re literally being told how Jon and Dany are related, we are treated to the much-anticipated #BOATSEX! Which was... less two people fucking and more two people planking?? It was literally just two naked people laying on top of each other. It made me... UN-horny??

And thus ends the second consecutive season learning about Jon’s parentage. We’ll call this a Mulligan after last year’s muck-up I guess...

Oh but there’s just one more thing.... Over at Eastwatch, Tormund and Beric are (literally) chillin’ when all of a sudden LOOKEE WHO FINALLY SHOWED UP AFTER 3 SEASONS?? And they brought a new friend -- a blue flame-shootin’ undead dragon (which holes in his wings for some reason?) ready for Demo Day on Extreme Makeover: The Wall Edition. Maybe they should have built a giant moat instead...?

Until next season!!!

[ancient-trees]

So, tell me about your fictional children! I like hearing about people's characters! ^^

Thank you for asking! Putting this under a cut because it’s really long. Includes minor spoilers, especially for Tamuran, but nothing earth-shatteringly major unless you haven’t read the comic.

tl;dr:Varony: monster nerdEffire: snarky cobra nerdMath: grumpy old man nerdEmmie: +10 EPIC NERD also the best grandma

Versinthenet: dragon nerdRathe: swordie nerdPerrath: overly helpful nerd (w/ bonus cool doggo)Sukah: Gandalf is on strikeAleoth: the angstiest nerd

and Artreias: mostly an asshole (secretly a huge nerd on the inside, don’t tell anybody)

NERDS ALL NERDS.okay, read on:

I’ll start with Tamuran - I assume that’s what most people are following me for:

Varony you know if you read the comic - he’s the guy in my Tumblr icon. He belongs to a race of big arboreal predators that live deep in very dangerous forests, but for now he’s (sort of but not quite voluntarily) bound in the form of a big gangly human. For the most part he is okay with this arrangement (all except for the new “possibly permanent” aspect - see recent events in the comic). He’s endlessly curious, and he thinks humans are the weirdest, most bewilderingly fascinating things he’s ever encountered. He’s been human-shaped for (most of) about six years at this point - shortly after he was changed, he was found and taken in by a clan of traveling merchants, who taught him language and basically How To Human. They became a second family to him, as have the Ragtag Band of Adventurers he’s currently found his lot thrown in with, but sometimes he misses the trees.

Uh, stuff that I don’t think has been covered in the comic already: Back home, Varony (or Hhr'skhygh - approximation of his *growly-noises* real name) lived with his pack, which included his mother and three older siblings. His sister’s pretty cool, his brothers are jerks. He’s a good hunter, but his pack always saw him as something of a weirdo - asks too many pointless questions, wants to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. When he was little he used to love listening to his grandfather tell his people’s folktales, and legends about the outside world. And yes, he’s officially ace/aro, species notwithstanding. Humans just complicate it even more - his people’s mating rituals are pretty straightforward, while humans’ involve all sorts of flirting and bizarre games that catch him off-guard (and have gotten him into a few ..uncomfortable situations in the past, if you want to know what the deal was with him freaking out on poor Jadsira in chapter 14).

Effire is a Morphus - one of the magical, long-lived Tu Naul race who was born with shapeshifting abilities. All Morphyx get bound into a single animal form and magically bonded to a “worthy” human (for the duration of the human partner’s life) as a sort of cultural exchange/community service. Effire was never too keen on that idea, especially after he found out his partner would be a Zharus Guardsman, and ESPECIALLY after his own bonded form turned out to be a cobra. But after getting used to one another, Effire found that his partner Morgen was a dreamer and idealist with a brain that never stopped - far from the meatheaded soldier-for-hire he was expecting. After their Zharus Academy training was complete, they were hired by the Patriarch of Tamuran to work palace intelligence and security and to keep an eye on the Patriarch’s elder sons as part of their personal guard (much to Prince Johlan’s irritation).

Effire tends to be cynical and sharp-tempered, but he means well. He would do anything for Morgen, whom he loves fiercely. He’s always liked exploring, especially poking around in places he’s not supposed to be. His favorite animals to turn into before he was bound were falcons, swallows, and other quick, agile birds - it was a pretty big blow to be stuck in a form that doesn’t even have limbs. Being part of a prince’s royal guard at least means he’s gotten to travel from time to time, and between Morgen and palace goings-on his life is seldom boring… though the way things have gone lately, he’s starting to really wish for boring…

Mathim hasn’t shown up in the comic yet - the Atriand-side plotline follows his story. He’s a former colonel in the Atriand army who was discharged early for an injury that never healed right, and at this point he’s retired to a town out in the wilderness, a cantankerous old bastard who spends his time drinking too much and cussing out the neighbor kids. His troublemaking teenaged grandson - the only living family he isn’t estranged from - disappeared about a year ago without a trace, though Math’s suspicions lean toward sorceric activity. When strangers pass through town bringing odd rumors, it might finally be the key Math needs to find the kidnappers. But Math has secrets - he was born with a forbidden form of magic, a dangerous, volatile power that has terrified him all his life. The same power that he passed on to his grandson, the power that made the boy a target of sorcerers in the first place. And now Math is going to need to unlock that power if he wants to have any hope of saving his boy…

Emianna was supposed to be a minor character, but she insisted on becoming a lot more important than we’d planned (and I’m glad she did). She’s Math’s wife, who died a few years before the comic story but still plays a big role in it. She was a huge nerd and avid naturalist, though poor health kept her working in libraries rather than pursuing science in the field. The daughter of a prominent Atriand military family, she used to pretend to be a bit daft at her family’s social functions, so that ambitious suitors would focus their attention on her sisters and leave her alone. At least until a shy young officer in search of a restroom literally stumbled over her reading in a closet during one of those parties… 

Emmie likes: books, books, and more books, SCIENCE, yaoi. And also being Gramma Emmie to her family - she’ll make you some amazing cookies, but you might have to pry her out of her lab to do it.

Novel characters: From several books, which are intended (if all goes well) to fit together like puzzle pieces and thus are sort-of in development at the same time (in other words, my notes are a mess).  Standard disclaimer that nothing is 100% canon till the books are finished.

Versinthenet is a dragon. In my setting, dragons are features of the landscape - half-physical, half-spirit beings that come into existence in places where intense magic pools and snags, and serve to tie Magic to the physical world. They can’t physically travel far from their magic “nodes,” but they can use the tides of Magic to communicate with other dragons and watch events as they unfold elsewhere in the world and also stupid cat videos.  Most dragons are located far from human settlements, but some of the ones who do live near humans use their influence over local magic to become patron protectors for their area, and in return the humans see to any physical-plane needs they may have. Verse (don’t call him that to his face) was one of these - fairly young as dragons go, he calmed the seas, quelled storms, and ensured good fishing for the people of his island. But centuries of watching human conflicts and atrocities, capped with events involving the death of his closest mentor, have started him questioning whether these people deserve his help after all. Then an idiot wizard shows up with the audacity to try to bind him and use his magic. The binding attempt goes horribly wrong - the wizard dies and Verse finds his consciousness pulled into the wizard’s body, while the rest of his Dragon self, mindless, flies off to wreak havoc, pulling frayed Magic into a hurricane around itself as it goes. Now Verse has to figure out how to set things right, while being blamed for the actions of the wizard who made this mess… before the dragon unleashes its wrath upon the whole island, or the islanders find a way to destroy the revered protector who has betrayed them. (Beyond all that, the consequences of such a tear in the network of magic may be farther-reaching than anyone is prepared for…)

So yeah, he’s not having a very good day.

Rathe is quick, athletic, great with a sword, and wants to be a hero like the ones in the storybooks. Unfortunately, she’s the daughter of a highly-respected family of scholars in a society that abhors all forms of violence and prizes learning and tradition above everything else. Events conspire to lead her away from home and into the life of adventure she’s always craved… but when her wizard traveling companion goes and does something really, really stupid, she’ll find out that heroing is a lot more complicated than she expected… especially when it involves facing personal secrets she thought were buried in the past.

Perrath has had a magical gift since he was a child - the ability to mend things that are broken - and a passion for helping people to go along with it. Unfortunately, one night a mysterious storm blew away all the magic in his village, including his innate talent, and he’s been searching for it ever since, with a sole still-functional(?) finding charm leading the way and his dog at his side (whom he talks to. A lot). He misses his magic, but he’s found that in the meantime he really enjoys a life of wandering - going wherever his finder points him, meeting new people and exploring places he’d never heard of, using his mundane skills to repair people’s things in order to get by. Until he finds himself in a sticky situation out in the uncharted wilds, and learns that promising to fix something for malevolent shadow-demons is maybe not a good idea…

Sukah is a semi-immortal guardian mage, bestowed with certain powers and nobly tasked with the protection of humanity. Only it’s hard to do your job when your partner has long since disappeared, halving your power, and nobody wants your help or even listens to your advice anymore. So he’s watched history unfold from the sidelines, telling himself that if people want to make a huge mess of things that’s their business.  A crisis involving two worlds and the fabric of magic itself, along with the reappearance of someone he’d thought long dead, might be enough to convince him to dust off his old magic and get back in the fight, but by then it might be too late…

Thanks to a valiant sacrifice-beyond-hope made by the parents she’s never known, Aleoth supposedly harbors within her the soul of a great evil… and no one has ever let her forget it. Stifled and stigmatized by those who were supposed to be her protectors, she runs away and takes up with a band of notorious brigands. But whatever she does, she can’t escape the unnerving creature that has haunted her dreams all her life, or the disasters that seem to follow her steps.  When [plot happens] and events begin to come crashing in around her, she’ll have to figure out who and what she is and what she really stands for.

{Bonus shoutout to my college D&D character Artreias, a sorcerer/planewalker from Sigil who got stuck in a shit-ton of trouble thanks to his sketchy mage father’s sketchy past and even more sketchy friends. Treias was a minor noble on his mom’s side, well-to-do and highly educated, but he acted like he was from the streets since all the nobles he ever met were twelve kinds of terrible. He’d do just about anything to protect his family, though (blood family and family-of-choice), especially his younger sister, and including Infuriating Sketchy Dad, whom he loved anyway. Unfortunately the rest of the party characters hated him, since (thanks to the mysterious circumstances that got him thrown into the campaign events) he had a “trust no one” attitude and could be kind of a jerk about it.}