#'hang on i gotta go he's huggin me rn'

[ask-sprouting-bulb]

"Enough of this BS, I made my nephew Pandion some lemonade but I forgot other creatures like to put sugar in it. Keepin this in mind for when I make him hot cocoa."

[ghost-town-story]

... The more I sit here and am allowed to think, the more pissed off and upset I get

Rant blog status reinstated!

So firstly, I’m not happy about getting kicked off campus. But social distancing shit, whatever I guess, whatcha gonna do. 

But no. My fucking mother takes the goddamned fucking cake rn. 

We got the email about being kicked off around 4 pm eastern time, Monday. My mother. This fucking woman. Calls me and insists I pack my stuff and get off campus by Tuesday morning. Packing is normally at least a few days ordeal, especially since I hate packing and it always stresses me out a bunch. But done in little spurts, okay I guess, more doable. 

But noooo I have to get out by Tuesday. Fucking. Morning. And this woman actually has the gall, the fucking gall to halfheartedly suggest I start out Monday evening since I’ve gone nocturnal. 

I tried to tell her there’s no fucking way, but she wouldn’t fucking listen. So she hangs up, and I go down the hall bc I desperately need a hug by this point, and she’s a sweetheart but the only roommate available is a gangly skinny girl and not the type of hugs I need. (really, boyfriend would be ideal, but at the time he was in Colorado visiting his sister). And I end up breaking down on huggin friend’s couch bc I hate packing, and I don’t feel like I can pack up a year’s worth of shit in about 12 hours. 

Mom eventually calls me again, mostly just to tell me “yeah you need to pack up and get back tonight, your roommate can grab the 1-2 bins remaining.” And she refuses to listen to me saying “hey, it’s a solid 2 loads in my car, it’s not gonna be 1-2 bins”  “But it fit all in your first car!” “My first car was a fuckin beast, literally the largest car in the lot freshman year. Fred is definitely shorter, definitely less trunk space, etc.”  “Well Y can get the last few bins.” “It’s a lot of stuff!” “It won’t be that much” JUST FUCKING LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT FFS

I was so stressed and crying that huggin friend stole my phone when I was texting my boyfriend, and had him call me so I could maybe stop crying. I miss my boy. Hearing him was good tho.

I’m packing up my stuff in the bathroom when I remember. I store my empty bins at my brother’s place (2 hrs north). I double check with him and call my mom back “I can’t leave tomorrow. It’s too much to pack, and some of my bins are at Brother’s.”  Despite all this, despite me literally breaking down and crying on the phone, she refuses to listen, to give me an extra day, to bring half my stuff up to my brother’s (and therefore eliminate most of the need to have my roommate take my stuff) and grab my extra bins. Nope, gotta get out.

I was staring at my room, halfheartedly packing and trying to figure out, and just sobbing out loud. I thought remaining roommate was gone at dinner, otherwise I would have tried to be quiet. But she had gotten back without me noticing, and when she poked her head in, I couldn’t do it anymore and just kinda. Fell to the ground crying and apologizing. She’s a such a sweetheart and I feel bad for probably worrying her (and possibly waking her up in the middle of the night with packing noises)

I texted my roommate about this. She basically said, “Wtf, what she’s asking isn’t possible.”

Same thing from my boyfriend. 

My mom kept texting me, asking how things were going, basically ignoring my subtle requests for more fucking time. At one point she said “Hang in there”. I sent a screenshot of that to my roommate and boyfriend and asked, “Is murder acceptable?” Roommate said a solid yes. Boyfriend offered to let me live with him. (cept 2 hour parking and I already got one ticket from that :P)

Mom texted around 10 pm, asking if things were fitting in the car. I wasn’t even remotely to the point of packing the car. I was basically at break number 2 of mandatory “sit down, have something to eat, and rehydrate after crying so damn much”. I think I had one bin completely done (out of what ended up being like. 6 bins? plus assorted bags n stuff) and was mostly done packing my clothes, but like. slow going. Especially when packing is stressful and you keep getting overwhelmed woot woot

I put off a fair number of things bc of panicking about time and simple emotional capability to do so. Sorting out my dishes, unlofting my bed, grabbing my band shit from the music hall across campus.

At some point in the night, I had to lay down, because my body decided “hey, you know what would be great right now? Period cramps, minus the blood.” Which, thank fuck minus the blood, but also it meant I had to spend a solid half hour/hour out of commission bc it hurt so damn much to walk around and try to pack. But I had to keep going, even though the pain came back when I stood up again.  

Mom texted me at 7 am if I’m awake. I hadn’t slept. 

We have housekeepers, and they got there around when I was finishing loading up. I stopped and chatted for a bit (nobody had told them what was going on), and nearly started crying again because it was just so damn shitty. Everything’s so damn shitty. 

So I got on the road at about 8 am, and get to driving for a bit, but about 1.5 hours in I’m doing bad. I can barely keep focused, despite drinking probably half a bottle of Mt. Dew by this point, so I pull into a rest stop and text my mom “Hey, I forgot my shampoo/conditioner/toothbrush stuff, and also I don’t think I can get home safe.”

Does my mother tell me to take a nap in that rest stop? Nope Does she tell me to find a hotel or motel there and take a nap/sleep and try again tomorrow? Nope Does she tell me I can go back to school, sleep through the day, and try again tomorrow? Ha ha fucking ha.

Nope. She calls me, and proceeds to tell me to keep driving, and that she’s going to stay on the phone with me so I don’t fall asleep. 

I yelled at her quite a few times, when she was being fucking stupid about all this shit. She had the fucking gall to be pissed that I pulled an all nighter, when that’s what was fucking necessary to meet her stupid fucking deadline. 

At one point, I made a new driving playlist so hopefully it would keep me awake better while I wasn’t on the phone (being serenaded... awake? by the lovely voice of Tilian lel (lots of DGD and his solo work on that playlist. Also ATL. Fuck yeah ATL. anywho)). And right after I made that, she ended up calling me before I was driving yet, and I rejected it bc I really wanted to finish my text to the dear bf, and then I started driving, thinking she’d call me back and chew me out for ignoring her, but surprisingly nope. So I just jam out for a bit, and eventually start yelling at myself bc of dumb writing ideas (the original story rewrite... lol) and I end up texting my roommate (while driving... shh) “Hey, feel free to call me if you want to hear me ramble on about writing” So after a short phone call from mum where she hung up to let me drive through a city, roommate calls, and I end up spending the last few hours of my drive rambling at her and mutually bitching about the shitty situation this leaves us in. 

When I get home, my dad (a doctor) is wearing a mask, apparently at my mother’s request. He also mentions that we probably shouldn’t be in the same room, according to her. I am also forced to strip everything and shower basically immediately. K, fine, I do so, Dad makes me dinner (despite Mom’s probable disapproval), and I stay awake just long enough to toss my laundry in the dryer. It was a close thing tho. I nearly fell asleep waiting for the washer to finish. And so I pass out at 8 pm central time (9 pm eastern)

Mom, during all this, has fucked off Up North to our cabin, my final destination.

Wednesday, Mom makes me leave our place in the Cities at 11 am to get up before weather gets worse and all that jazz. Once here, I’m allowed freedom for as long as it takes to help mother move shit so I can fit my car inside a garage, then I take the bare minimum inside (my electronics, stuff that would explode if frozen (like pop (and my Smirnoff Ices shh)), travel toothbrush I somehow have and hairbrush), and I’m immediately quarantined to my room and the bathroom down the hall. 

So here I fucking am. Bored as shit and pissed the hell off

I needed more time. But no fucking way Mom was going to let that happen. 

I could have gone up to my brother’s. But noooo I had to come all the fucking way home, only to be shoved in a room for two weeks.

I could have taken care of all/most of my shit by my fucking self (dishes are debatable, would need basically the whole apartment to sort those out), but nope, can’t take enough time to take a trip up to my brother’s apartment 2 hours away, no way.

Nope, instead I have to suffer a panic attack for basically 16 hours, then nearly kill myself driving, because I can’t stay one fucking day more, because I have to get my ass up here just to be basically shoved in a room and left alone for 2 goddamned weeks. Nope. Can’t fucking make sure that moving out, usually stressful on its own, is as calm as we can make it in these trying times. Nope. Gotta just fucking nearly kill the kiddo instead to comply with my stupid whims because I can’t fucking listen

I’m pissed.

Especially since I was almost 100% sure I was gonna block her everywhere and go full no contact with this bitch after college.

But now I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future! Yay! Can’t see that going badly! 

(I’ve already texted the anonymemers to call me so I don’t go crazy and actually punch her. We’ll see how that goes. The desire has been kinda strong all afternoon.)

Fuck

This

Shit

[victoraronesino-blog]

July 3, 1:14 I can't sleep I Lowkey miss a relationship .. thinking about how I was right that you were gonna leave me .. faviola I was right I rememeber when I said baby please don't ever leave .. I really miss you even your toxic for me .. I really love you I wanna be with you .. I miss sleeping with your .. and your laugh and how funny you are. The reason why I don't think I'll ever be happy is cause there not you all I want is you if there not you then I don't think Ima be happy . Honestly .. I remember the times we got winged stop 😊 shit was amazing .. I was so happy ... I can't believe I would be sad like wtf the fuck is wrong with me like I'm. Sorry I'm like this .. shit Daum favi I hope you doing good ... i hoping he's making you happy .. is he worth it? Are you loyal to him are you happy? Do you think about me? Or no ...... I'm feeling like empty ... I just am wondering why still like always but why tho a, I stuck on you ... I just feel like disappointed .. sad wanting to cry and how my family does want me anymore I feel it and how I can't even be home ... like yesterday my mom overwhelmed with emotions and shit and expect me to know and shit like I swear I'm just a teen I got a lot of shit going thru my head it's hard enough to deal with shit and you gotta add on to my plate of thoughts,... fuck faviola you really had leave me huh .. I just wanted you baby and I fucken told you that I loved you ... I told you I can't live with out you but nah ... I told you everything part of my life more than anyone ...... like fuck why did you gotta do me like this faviola ... I fucken miss you everyone leaves me ... I don't got anyone who's 💯 with me no more like fuck ... everyone hurts me ... she was all I needed all I craved want thirsted for ... I didn't need one but you .... I would give up everything for you again ..... I think honestly like fuck I'm so weak for you .. I feel my heart lowkey hurting like it's breaking ... I'm not crying I'm just staring at this eye iPad blankly .. this is why I never sleep cause of you ... I miss playing hide and seek with you and you brother and sisters .... but oh whale .... just me thinking how you fucking him and sucking him up and shit ... lowkey hurts me and you loving him .... lowkey hurts me ... was I not the one? Like why him was he better cute or what please tell me .... why couldn't you just say you didn't want me instead of me getting sprung on you huh? Why favi you honestly make me wanna kill my self more like honestly I'm gonna start smoking again ... thanks to you .. my life rn really getting close to an end honestly no one is really making me wanna be here ... I don't feel wanted happy just moments ... I just wanna be in your arms happy crying saying I fuckened missed you and crying and balling my eyes out saying why did you have to leave me . Like fuck the memeories I had with you .. your birthday .. I was so nervous I fucken misss you so fucken much .... like it's hurts my soul I have so much balled up I JUST WANNNANNA FUCKEN BE WITH YOU FAVIIIIII I FUCKEN MISSSS YOUR STUPIED ASSS .... you made me so happy more than anyone else did .... like please I hope you come back one day ............. idk why I'm waiting I'm lowkey might start crying ....fuck dude I'm not crying but when I start to think I just become like black blanking stareing and just think about you ... I ain't even gonna talk to anyone about my problems ... honestly just Ima die one of these days and who ever sees this I say sorry for making you crying ... and it's just the way I feel there's nothing to it I have a father who never wants me in his life he doesn't try doesn't make me feel wanted .. it really hurts. Me I really miss on how me and my father were before my step mom plus my dad hit me with a stick when we went to Mexico and I remember crying washing my shit pants on a scrub board in my underwear while he hit me ... and on how he just is ... like he not a total asshole but idk just we never talk ... and my mother I love her so much but you would beat me cause my father stupied ass descion when I was young and I rememeber that time you left and said you weren't gonna come back and when you told me my dad didn't want me like as you made my dad practically come in you and that shit makes me feel so unwanted ... and I remember how we were cool mom then you had a big ass mouth and told everyone everything so I stopped being close to her and the number one thing that fucked me up the most last year my mom told me she wishes she had an abortion just cause my grandma wanted money and I was like I would give to her so she would stfu . And she was mad but you gotta be careful what you say when your mad cause honestly it fucken hurts what people say ... but the point is when my mom said thta day I went to he movies with a girl was 19 and I was 16 and I was broken asf I just wanted to die ... and before this happened my ex lied to me about being pregnant and cheated on me and played with me and played a njgga ... like honestly I never have good luck with love but yeah and I was broken but not as bad as I am rn cause I went thru that and those 5 months I thought about scucide and death and the meaning of life .. and if I didn't go thru that I bet I would be dead rn honestly if it was for my ex I would be dead from my last ex cause my last ex hurt me so bad ... but back to the story me and that girl didn't really talk at all we were just friends and shit and we were getting close talking about real shit and she told me her scrects about her life and shit and it was really serious and I thought we had an connection and she had a thing with an other dude and I was like I thought we had a thing and she was crying on my shoulder and I was lowkey dieing inside but I was still there for her even tho she made me feel like that .. and not once I tryed anything with her and we would hang out like around 12 am till like 8 or 6 am in the morning ... and we just hang out ... now I'm talk about the day of me and my exs break up that morning I woke up cause I only slept for 4 hours cause I couldn't sleep right or eat right cause me and her were friends for 2 days but still talk and I oculdnt do it no more and she called me saying Ima turn off my phone cause I wanna think about shit and that day I was planning on going to her house cause I hate talking threw the phone .. so I went to her house around 3 and she didn't get home till like 4 and she got a ride from someone she said her friend but idk and she looked really pretty even prettier when she was with me .. and it lowkey hurt and I was like can we talk pleas ei wanna know wat we are like I can't eat or sleep right I neeeda know favi ... what are we and I acted like I was gonna leave and I felt like you weren't gonna try to stop me so I just would come back ... I just wanted to see if you wanted and you told me finally after like 20 minutes talking about how you wanna be friends and shit ... you said it you don't want me no more ... and then I fucken broke .. crying . And I was like really ... duammm .... favi I fucken gave you my everything Ik it ain't much but it was everything and you just left me broke me and then I just started beggin her .. I said I would let her do what ever she wants cheat on me fuck other dudes if you want space I'll give you space .... like I was really willing to let her fucken kill me inside out for just to be with her ,... I was that in love with her ....I fucken begged her on my knees crying my heart out saying please and ahit .. and she took me back and for an hour we were just like distinct and I just layed there wish she would come over here to this couch and hug me ... but I didn't say anything cause I didn't wanna lose her ... then we were cool and around 4 or 5 I went to the room with her and we were just laying down teying to go to sleep and I was huggin her and like her phone keep on ringing ... and I was like nah chill idc ... lowkey was hurting me and then I kinda got horny and I started kissing her neck and stuff and then I rubbed her p thru her close and she didn't want me to till I turned her on and then I fingered her and I felt a weird but witch made me believe she fucked someone else most likely ... and then I made her cum and I lowkey wanted to fuck but she didn't want to and then her phone rang again and I was like oml and I looked and It was him ... micheal camargo... saying so wait what are we ... what are we ... that shit made me so mad dead inside ... hurt I was like really favi ... like that ... just like that .... your just gonna move on that quick ... like Duma favi .... and I was mad I wanted to hit her but I was like nah Ima leave so I called my uncle and he didn't wanna give me a ride till I begged him crying saying I won't ask for anything else ..... and shit he's like yeah and I was like pick me up at the 711 and then I was walking out and the parents of hers were outside in the living room and her mom asked me what happened nad I didn't say anything just ask her ... and then she asked are you okay and I was like no and she was like you got a ride and I was like yeah and then I sat outside the house for alittle crying ...... in cats it was so windy and sandy ..... I just was fucking hurting wanting to die thinking like what the living fuck did I do wrong .... like daum Victor you are such a fuck up ........ smh victor and then I started walking to 711 and each car that pasted by I was thinking of walking towards it .... and it was so tempting and I got to 711 and got a drink and waited there thinking like oh her parents will try to find me or something but nah I got picked up .... and shit and that's that ... and also I didn't eat shit for to days like literally nothing till I hung out with Julissa real she made me eat food .... and make me become kind of normal but I honestly wish I just died ...