#'haha this playlist is old but I want to make a director's commentary for it. i bet it'll be quick!'

[bekahdoesnerdshit]

Playlist: Cog

Alternate Title: I’m Gonna Be A Nice Person Until It Kills Me (Oh God, Please Don’t Let It Kill Me)

This Will End by The Oh Hellos

No, I am not afraid to die It's every breath that comes before Heartache, I've heard, is part of life And I have broken more and more

So this second Cog playlist is for the second half of the campaign. The gods are coming to destroy the world, the party has to stop them, Cog is going to have to take all of the gods' magic into herself once they're dead in order to channel it back into the world, and doing so will certainly kill her. This song is about Cog facing the fact that she has just months left to live, being scared to die, but also trying to take solace in the fact that her death will protect the world and will provide the opportunity for a wonderful life for the people she loves. But it's one thing to know that, to want to go through with it for the sake of your loved ones, and another thing to have to live through the end of the world knowing you're going to die before you're even old enough to legally drink.

Peace Be Still by The Hunts

Oh darlin' don't be scared of time changing us both Death will meet our bodies but he'll never touch my soul If you are afraid well heavens don't let go Cause darlin' I will stay as we grow o-o-o-oh

This song is a continuation of the themes of the first song, about Cog knowing her friends will still love her even when she's gone, and even about the Raven Queen's assurances that when she dies she'll become part of magic itself. She'll be irreversibly changed, she won't be able to see or think or feel, but she won't be truly gone. Cog is trying so hard to convince herself that she's okay dying and not getting to see the world her and her friends fought so hard for, not getting to see their happy endings, and in game she almost got there. Honestly, both of these songs are also about Cog trying to convince her friends as much as herself that really, really, she's okay choosing to sacrifice herself.

The Crooked, the Cradle by The Crane Wives

If mercy's abound I'll be safe, I'll be sound And the devil won't know of the love I just couldn't let go I won't pretend my season won't end But I pray, when it's done, when it's through I'll have something left for you

It's one thing to know that dying to save every other person in the world is the objectively morally correct thing to do, and another feel good about doing it. The thing about Cog dying is that, despite knowing several months in advance what was going to happen, she never had time to grieve for herself. If she had shown even the slightest fear or reluctance to do what needed to be done, her friends would have insisted that they couldn't let it happen. So she had to spend those months comforting them about her impending death. And even internally, at this point Cog and the Raven Queen were bound together so tightly that the Raven Queen was always with Cog. Cog couldn't even grieve herself in her own mind, because the Raven Queen would see and know and would be disappointment by Cog's lack of conviction. So she had to be fine, she had to be her normal self, and she had to convince the people who love her most to let her die. No worries! Not stressful!!!

Soothsayer by Haunted Like Human

From the shadows of the crowd there's a hand reaching out It can offer the things that you seek There's a price to be paid but ain't that every trade? You're just looking for strength when you're weak

I'm OBSESSED with this song and obsessed with it as a Cog song and I want to make everyone listen to it forever. This wasn't initially on this playlist, I just discovered it this year, but it SO epitomizes the relationship between Cog and the Raven Queen, and how Cog got herself in a position where she was bound to the goddess of death. Each baby step Cog took to accept more of the Raven Queen's power was because she needed just a little extra magic to help her friends. Or a little bit of information, to help them make the best decision. And step by step, she ended up bound and in debt to a being that ultimately ended up becoming a friend! But one who still has high expectations that needed to be met. This song also to me has Such Lafaroh vibes, the spooky kinda dark folk sound. It really fits the cult Cog was raised in and escaped from, but whose beliefs still followed her throughout the campaign and -ultimately- to the very end. She's been out for years, but this song being on this playlist instead of the first Cog one represents the fact that she never truly escaped the role they expected her to play.

Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons

But oh, my heart was flawed I knew my weakness So hold my hand Consign me not to darkness

This was the first song on this playlist, and honestly the reason I made a second playlist at all! I heard this song for the first time and immediately began plotting a Wasteland amv in my head about it. The song is about bucking against the expectations and plans other people have made for your life, and the responsibility that's placed on your shoulders because of decisions someone else has made. This is the point in the playlist where Cog is letting herself come to terms with the fact that she resents that she has to and -more importantly!- is terrified to die! But at the same time, despite the fact that she could technically refuse to go through with it, she knows she couldn't ever make that choice because she understands what the full consequences of her selfishness would be. Also the lyrics above are special to me because in the amv in my head it's a pov shot of Cog looking down at Mystra's Heart in the box on the table in front of her and the magic knife she'd been given to replace her own heart with the one in the box. The shot then pans up to Ace across the table looking worried and like he wants to say something, but also like he wants to respect that it's Cog's decision to make. She knows she has to go through with this, because it's the only way she can save him.

Honest by JOSEPH

There's always two thoughts One after the other I'm alone No, you're not I'm alone, no, you're not

So soft, so sad, so simple; as I mentioned before, Cog spent a lot of time feeling like she had to deal with the fact that she was dying alone. Like she couldn't tell her friends how scared she was, because they wouldn't let her go through with it if they knew. She felt so alone, so small, but... When she finally confessed to her friends that she was scared and needed comfort, they were there to give it to her without a second thought. Despite feeling like she had to deal with this alone, she never did.

Don't Let Me by Morningsiders

Oh, brother, where are you? Think I need a hand Can you come pick me up? I don't know where I am But I can tell it's not where I want to be Oh, brother, help me out, keep your eye on me Don't let me go somewhere I can't find my way back, no Don't let me go

Of course there's and Ace/Cog song on here!! After the sad dip in the middle of the playlist, we're starting to emerge back into the sun now that Cog knows that she has her friends' -and her brother's- support. She's finally asking for what she wants: help to find another way of saving the world so that she doesn't have to die for it. She will sacrifice herself if it comes to it, but she doesn't want to lose everything they've fought for if there's any other options. Don't let her die! Don't let her go! Cog is asking for Ace to hold her hand and keep her safe, like he always has, as they face this last big threat together.

The Literal Heart by Penny and Sparrow

I'll be damned; I'd rather sleep. The garden's soft; my skin is weak. It's gonna take every drop of young blood I've got, to hold on, and stop, and settle down.

I love the long instrumental train at the end of this song, the way it ramps up with more and more instruments and more and more energy until it's just flying, especially when the song started so subdued. It's a microcosm of Cog's whole story, from a scared little girl afraid of her own magic to someone who is proud of who she is and loved by so many people for her courage and her kind heart and her unwavering desire to see the best in everyone. Also, Cog cut out her Literal Heart to replace it with a magic one to cement her bond to the Raven Queen and give her extra strength to her magic. Also, Cog was Literally the Heart of the party. She often acted as their conscience, especially in the early days, and loved them and the world so much that the party decided that they could be the people to focus on the big picture and save the world.

I Don't Wanna Go by Draper

Let your spirit go And watch the sky come from the deep unknown Take my hand don't make me leave because I don't wanna go

You read the title. You know what this song is about. She doesn't want to go! At the end of all this, after spending so long trying to convince herself and everyone else that she's accepted her death, Cog can finally admit that she doesn't want to die. She will, she'll go through with it, because there's no other option. But she doesn't feel like she has to pretend like she's okay with it, like she's not sad and scared, because her friends love her enough to want to carry that burden with her. The song is bittersweet; the music is triumphant, with swelling cords and horns and cymbals and drums, but the lyrics are about what's been built and what will be lost, begging to be able to stay and be a part of it. It's a song that can make some people (not me) cry a little at two in the morning about their dnd character, how young she is, how much she doesn't want to have to keep giving away pieces of herself but at the same time always wants to do the right thing, and how unfair it is that those two goals are so often at odds.

Echo 22 by Talisk

The last song, the instrumental, is a callback to the song "Echo" (also by Talisk) that was on my first Cog playlist. "Echo 22" is a sequel? Re-imagining? Of "Echo" that uses the same base melody and instruments, but that adds flourishes and more intricacies to each instrument's part in the song. The song is faster, more mature, and more alive! To me, this song is a nice way to tie the two playlists together, to show how Cog has changed since the beginning of the campaign, and to go out on a high, happy note: just the way Cog would want it.