#'acTuALLy you should avoid screens to fall asleep' ok listen there are limits to how hard I can try

[jeonghanurl]

you know when you can't sleep beause you're overtired because your body gets weird and dumb and you're stressed and restless and everything sucks? insert britney yeah-gif

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 11

Part 2 of Chapter 10 (read first!)

Previously: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10

Read first if you are new! gutted/sorted and wax/wane…if/then is a continuation of those two.

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After a long day of adventures, the “island of a bed” turns into a gym as Christina shows off her moves.

“Mom, block me!” Christina says.

Helena hops up and nearly loses her balance as she strikes a defensive pose.

Myka watches safely from the couch, her body sprawled across full length as Claudia’s out for the evening. Christina’s energy knows no bounds, and after a few minutes, Myka closes her eyes, enjoying what feels like her first moment of downtime in weeks. She makes a game of guessing their moves from the corrections Helena makes; it’s fun to test her knowledge after all the practices she’s attended. Helena once told her she’d learned Kempo during her rehabilitation after her accident, to keep "idle hands occupied," though she wonders if there wasn’t a stronger motivation.

“Again,” Helena instructs, and Myka’s heart warms at Christina's endearing grunts and groans. Today was so uplifting, yesterday's dark thoughts seem a world away. Looking back, the confluence of negative situations and low blood sugar were to blame; ice cream and an eventual lunch worked like a charm to temper her fears. And though her revelations with Claudia this morning led to more questions than answers, the fact someone else is clued into the situation has relieved some of her burdens, and hopefully, Claudia will keep her mouth shut about it all to Helena.

She glances at Helena, and when Helena notices, she smiles in a way that says, “I’m sorry she’s keeping us up, but I’ve missed this so much.” Myka smiles back a “you're really cute, I don’t mind at all” smile, holding Helena’s gaze until Christina tackles her. She wishes Helena’s past wasn’t tarnishing the gloss of the scene, as some of the things she said last night were truly worrying. But she does trust Helena has everyone’s best interests in mind, even more so after Helena initiated heart to heart talk.

Last evening, post shower, while Myka dug through a drawer to find pajamas, Helena slid her arms around Myka's midriff.

“I thought you’d fallen asleep,” Myka said.

“Christina has, but I thought we might talk," Helena said, in hushed tones.

Myka'd been on edge all day after her display that morning and was hoping to avoid talking about it entirely, in hopes a good night’s sleep would set things straight. But Helena's comforting embrace soothed her rough nerves. She dropped the t-shirt she was holding and sunk back into Helena's arms.

As they shared a moment of calm, Myka thought about how Helena’s elation over Christina being near wafted off of her in waves all day. And as those waves lapped up against her, she had a revelation: there are many, many Helenas—she shifts her shape to fit situations—but this Helena, the one with her today, whose identity is intrinsically linked with her child, was the one she fell in love with. Other versions may surface from time to time and many may remain a mystery, but at her core, the Helena she knows and loves is the one with Christina present.

When Helena released her, she took hold of her hand and guided her to the couch. As they sat, Myka met Helena's gaze and was surprised to find uncertain eyes staring back at her.

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior last night. And this morning,” Helena said, taking hold of Myka’s hands. “It was entirely uncalled for. I blame myself for your feeling poorly, and I’d like to make amends."

Myka squeezed Helena's hands; this was not what she expected, but the sentiment was overwhelmingly welcome. "I understand why you’ve kept things from me to a point, but what about Wooly? You introduce me to him then totally clam up."

"I hadn't thought that through. Introducing you."

“He seemed nice."

“He is. And was. We shared some memorable times while I was finishing school after my stint in Europe. But I put all that behind me when I left London. And now...” Helena scooted closer to Myka. "I want to be who I’m striving to be for you, not who I was."

“But you’re here for the foreseeable future. You'll have to face your past. Who you were is part of who you are now, and I want to know all of you."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

Myka laced their fingers together. "Nothing you say will make me love you any less. What are you afraid of?"

“As of late? Macpherson winning his appeal. If he does, my involvement with Mrs. Frederic will not be looked upon favorably. He could cause further harm with a flick of the wrist. And to you by proxy.”

Myka stiffened but kept hold of Helena’s hands.

"I hadn’t thought of this until now, but it’s likely Mrs. Frederic pulled you from the sale to protect you until this is settled."

“That…actually makes sense,” Myka says. The anger she’d been holding over her dismissal dropped down a notch, but it still pricked like a thorn. “Do know if it’s happening without me?”

“I haven’t a clue. But if it is, you’re better off without it. We’ve no way of predicting what tricks MacPherson might pull."

“Can Mrs. Frederic protect you?"

“Her reach is limited where I’m concerned, but you—"

“Why didn't you say something earlier?"

“The less you know the better."

“But if something happens to you it affects all of us."

“If I have my way, none of it will affect any of any of us, ever."

A fuzzy buzz kicks Myka into the present, and she glances at its source on the end table. She hikes up to see whose phone it is; it’s Helena’s. There’s no name on the display, but the number is familiar. Her mood immediately sours as she realizes who it is.

“Phone’s ringing,” Myka says, loud enough for Helena to hear.

“They’ll leave a message,” Helena says, mid-tussle with Christina.

Myka glances at the vibrating object again then settles back into the couch, closing her eyes, listening closely to Christina and Helena’s playful tones. But her hopes of traveling back to the happier place fall flat. Why is Bonnie calling so late, let alone calling at all?

Helena and Christina’s sparring tumbles across the room, and Myka falls victim of a surprise attack. She struggles but ends up with Christina laying on top of her, pinning her down.

"Perhaps you can calm her," Helena says, inching away from the scene.

“Yeah, make that my job," Myka jabs.

"In this scenario, you’re the better choice," Helena explains. She swipes her phone off the end table and taps it awake then scowls at the screen. Her face pinches as she listens to her messages, in a way that indicates something’s definitely not right. She taps the screen again and, phone to ear, walks across the room toward the window.

Christina wriggles on Myka's lap as if inducing her to play, but Myka wraps her arm around her tightly, holding her in place. Christina gives herself over easily, her body slackening, exhaustion winning over after their event-filled day. Myka smiles at that, thinking perhaps they'll all sleep well tonight, and as Christina settles, she tunes into Helena’s voice as she converses with the caller.

- Thursday's out of the question.

The mention of Thursday saddens Myka, as incidentally, that was the day of the pre-sale showing.

- I can’t reschedule. You should be aware of that.

Myka glances over at Helena. She's leaning against the wall but her body’s tense, and she's fingering the edge of the curtain.

- I don’t care of the consequences. You sort it out.

Myka winces at the bite in Helena’s tone.

"Is mom ok?" Christina asks.

"I think so," Myka says. "We'll ask when she's done.”

Christina snuggles closer to Myka and Myka adjusts to hold her weight. She places her hand on Christina’s back and lays her chin on the crown of her head; she can’t believe she ever questioned her loyalty to this child.

The call ends, and the room falls silent. Myka glances over the top of the couch and sees Helena, arms crossed, staring out the window.

“Everything ok?” she asks, bracing for what response she may get.

“Work,” Helena grunts, without looking at Myka.

She pushes off of the wall and crosses the room then drops her phone on the end table. Circling the couch, she lifts Myka and Christina’s legs and navigates underneath, then plops down into the corner. Myka lowers her legs, and allows Helena to sit stewing for a moment, then extends and arm across Christina’s body and takes hold Helena's hand.

“They farm staff out to events to ‘advertise our brand.’ Corporate parties, wedding receptions and the like,” Helena says, rubbing her thumb over Myka’s. “I have two exams on Thursday, and I’m meant to work that evening.”

“Was that Shirley?” Myka asks, coyly fishing for details, then suddenly realizing there’s no reason the number scribbled on that card belongs to Bonnie.

“No. Bonnie,” Helena says, with a sneer.

“The blonde?” Myka answers, as innocently as possible. Maybe now's not the best time to bring up the topic of the card nor Bonnie’s other career, but someday she will.

“She is rather hands on, as you may have noticed.”

“Can everyone be quieter? I’m tired.” Christina mumbles.

“You should bathe before bedtime,” Helena instructs.

“Can I do it tomorrow?"

“We’ve an early start if we’re to make it to the park before Myka’s departure."

“Why does Myka have to go? I just got here."

"She has work."

“She always has work. Can’t she stay?”

Helena looks at Myka and poses the same question with her eyes. Myka looks back and smiles.

“I could probably stay another day.”

“Yay!” Christina exclaims, grinning ear to ear. "Can we spar more?” she says, twisting towards Helena.

“Moments ago you proclaimed you were overly fatigued."

“I changed my mind."

Christina rolls off of Myka and drops to the floor with a thunk. She yanks on Helena’s hand.

“I’ll see if I can get the same flight out as them,” Myka says, lifting her legs so Helena can slide out from underneath.

Christina tugs Helena towards the bed then runs ahead and jumps on top. Helena turns at the bed’s threshold and looks back at Myka. As she holds Myka’s gaze her expression darkens, then brightens as if she’s caught herself showing something far too close to the bone.

“I’m pleased you’ve decided to stay,” she says, sounding as if it were a heavily debated issue. Christina throws her arms around Helena’s middle and Helena turns, reinitiating their grapple.

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Myka’s triumphant change of ticket leads to a leisurely morning, though it was Claudia’s connections that saved the day. After an unsuccessful call to the airline and a few feigned tears from Christina, Helena suggested Myka contact Claudia and ask for help. Myka said she'd try again as Claudia was out with friends, but Helena vetoed the option and called Claudia herself. A flurry of texts later, Myka's ticket was miraculously changed. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and promptly went to bed.

Their amended schedule begins with a return to the crepe restaurant as Christina’s desperate for Myka’s opinion. Next, several busses are then ridden, top deck only, right at the front, allowing hours worth of birds-eye views of the city. Then, after a journey up a never-ending hill, they disembark in a parking lot and wander towards a terra-cotta and yellow-ochre bricked building with a sizable rosette window.

“Where are we?” Myka asks, hardly able to take in the entirety of the place, her gaze hanging on its high arched glass roof.

“Alexandra Palace,” Helena says. "Ally Pally for short."

“Ally Pally. That’s funny,” Christina says, her head bobbing as she mimics her mother’s accent.

"Built by the Victorians as a center of recreation, it became home to the BBC Television Services in their early years. That massive antenna sent out the first reliable 'high definition' television signals in the world.”

Everyone stops in their tracks and tilts their head back to take in the structure.

“Can we climb up it?” Christina asks.

“No need. The far end of the park boasts sweeping views of the city.”

“It'd be cool if we could.”

“Agreed,” Helena says and smiles at Christina. "I thought we’d take in the exhibition of historical television equipment, and afterward, nip over to the duck pond and rent a boat.” She nods toward a clump of trees on the other side of the parking lot.

“There’s boats?” Christina says, her face lighting up.

“So that's what the bread’s for,” Myka says, pointing to a bag sticking out of Helena’s tote.

“Or, possibly a light snack if no ducks are available,” Helena says, pushing the bag of bread down in the bag.

“Bread is junk food for ducks,” Christina says.

“Is it? Bread's been fed to ducks for centuries, yet now it's an issue?” Helena says.

“We learned that in school. I brought lettuce for our field trip to the park."

“I’ve remember that. I ran out to buy some the night before,” Myka adds.

Helena sighs. “Then we’ll feed the ducks sparingly. We wouldn’t want to perpetuate any duck obesity problems." She takes hold of Christina’s hand and looks over at Myka. “Shall we?” she asks, and Myka nods. Christina motions for Myka's hand and Myka takes it, and they walk towards the entrance hand in hand.

They explore every accessible nook and cranny of the Palace and sneak a peek at the newly reconstructed Grand Willis Organ before wandering back outside towards the duck pond. Much to Christina’s delight, there's a choice between traditional row boats and fanciful paddle ones, and a heated debate ensues. Helena’s logic wins out in the end—when would they ever pilot a dragon?—and she and Christina man the helm. Christina paddles until her legs give out then Myka moves to the front to fill in.

"How do you know about this place?" Myka asks. "It's pretty far from the city center."

"I'd come here often when I was finishing school. It was calming to sit and study by the pond."

A half an hour later, they dock the boat and secure a bench facing the lake. Helena pulls the bread out and hands a few slices to Christina. Christina runs off toward a cluster of coots, moorhens, and mallards gathered by the water's edge.

“Junk food be damned,” Helena says as she watches Christina throw bread at the ducks with abandon. “Speaking of sustenance, we should think about lunch.”

“We have time,” Myka says, scooting closer to Helena, threading their arms together. “It’s so nice to not feel rushed. Can we stay like this forever?”

“One day, I hope.”

“I don’t want to go back,” Myka says, leaning into Helena.

“Nor do I want you to. I rue being left on my own, twiddling my thumbs until your next visit.”

“You could meet up with Wooly. That might be fun.”

“Fun,” Helena repeats and angles her head, so her lips nearly touch Myka’s ear. “The ‘fun’ I’d rather pursue resembles our night together after the bar.”

“That was fun,” Myka says, her pulse quickening at the thought. She skims her fingers over Helena’s shoulder where her teeth left a mark. “I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink.”

“I wish I hadn’t either.”

“You were drinking at work?”

“Shirley slipped a shot on that tray for table four, and I may have partaken previous to your arrival."

“Helena!”

"I was genuinely worried you’d not show.”

The trepidation in Helena’s eyes hits Myka squarely in the gut; she cups Helena jaw and guides their lips together. “You shouldn’t have been,” she says, stroking Helena’s cheek, then kissing her again, relieved to hear Helena was out of sorts that evening, too.

"Perhaps Christina could sleep in Claudia’s room tonight so we may have a moment alone.”

“I’d like that,” Myka says and shifts to rest her head on Helena’s shoulder. Helena lifts her arm and circles it around Myka, and they watch Christina throw bread as far out as she can.

“She seems happy,” Myka says.

“As am I,” Helena says, hugging Myka closer.

“I wish we could stay. All of us."

“Are we still working towards Christmas?"

“I’m not sure I can swing it with just the Italians."

“I’ll speak with Mrs. Frederic. Perhaps she can offer you a place in the—" Helena’s phone rings. She slips it out of her pocket and glowers at the screen. “Speak of the devil,” she grumbles and taps to accept. “Yes," she says and untangles herself from Myka. She listens for a moment then stands and steps away.

“I’m aware of that, but I’ve…what about…” Helena looks at Myka and rolls her eyes. “I can’t not be there…no…yes…fine,” Helena huffs, her face scrunching up as she listens. “Crystal,” she says before hanging up. She looks down at her phone and sighs.

“What was that about?" Myka asks.

Helena grimaces. “Nothing I’m at liberty to say."

Christina comes running up from the side. “Can we go see the kite?" She points to the horizon beyond the palace.

“Kite? I see nothing but cumulus clouds.”

“It was there, a minute ago. We have to find it!” Christina grabs Helena’s hand and pulls her towards the parking lot.

“Ducks are clearly passé,” Helena quips, looking back at Myka with a smile. “Onwards,” she says, and nods.

Myka gathers their bags and dutifully trails behind. As she catches up, an enormous box kite appears in the sky and dotted below, several smaller kites. She leans into the fence at the top of the hill and watches Helena’s lips lift into a small smile.

“Lovely, aren’t they?” Helena says without taking her eyes from the kites.

“Beautiful,” Myka says.

“There’s a cat!” Christina yelps and points to cat head with a glittering, fluttering tail.

“So free,” Myka says.

They stand in silence, watching the kites dance and dip across the bright blue sky. Everyone gasps when one takes a nosedive.

“The wind gives the appearance the kite is free, but its string controls its movements. One tug and it's grounded in an instant.” Helena glances at the persons flying the kites, then over at Myka. “You are my wind,” she says, placing her hand on Myka’s shoulder. “Both of you.” She looks down at Christina and lays her other hand on her back.

“Who’s your string?” Myka asks but wishes she didn’t as Helena's smile withers.

“Can we go to down to there?” Christina asks, her gaze fixated on the bottom of the hill.

“Certainly,” Helena says. “And perhaps we’ll find lunch nearby.” She picks up the bags Myka carried over from the bench and turns toward Myka. “Would you mind terribly if we discuss Christmas at a later date? I’d very much like to ignore the fact you’re all leaving tomorrow for as long as possible.”

The cheerfulness from earlier seems to have left Helena’s tone, though it’s obvious she’s trying to keep things light. Myka imagines the call was the culprit, that Mrs. Frederic is Helena's string, and whatever it was they discussed kicked her out of her happy place.

“We’ll talk later,” Myka says, and kisses Helena to drive the point home.

They walk towards the stairs then Christina takes off, barreling down the grassy hill.

“Slow down!" Helena scolds.

Christina slows for a moment, then carries on exactly as before.

Helena hands the bags to Myka. “That’s my girl,” she says, “no string." She runs after Christina and tackles her, both tumbling onto the grass, laughing.

Myka tears up a little; whatever Helena's gotten herself into, it has to work out, because this...this is their future.

-TBC-