#'Salus in Audacia' - the family motto - is supposed to mean 'Safety in Audacity'

[presidentstalkeyes]

Stalkeyes Headcanons: The Corduroy Family (and some Gravity Falls history)

The Corduroys are one of Gravity Falls' oldest families, dating almost back to its founding. Scottish frontiersmen Archibald and Constantine Corduroy first made the journey all the way across North America to participate in the California Gold Rush of the 1840s, but when they arrived they heard about 'naturally-occurring flannel' being discovered in Gravity Falls, Oregon, and decided to hunt down plaidypi instead. This was the much less-famous 'Flannel Rush'.

Some time after Archibald's untimely death in 1862, his eldest daughter Howardine - who'd previously left town to fight for the Union in the civil war (disguised as a man, during which time she became known as 'The Bounstown Butcherjack' after singlehandedly taking down two-dozen Confederate cavalrymen with only seven bullets, an axe and a wooden rocking-horse) and later became a travelling bounty hunter and carbonated lemonade saleslady in the old west - returned home, and claimed that the so-called town founder, Nathaniel Northwest, was a fraud. According to her, Nathaniel's true identity was town waste-shoveller Amos Snorkle, a man with no known friends, family, or record of ever existing. She also claimed that the town's memories had been tampered with by a coven of witches on orders of the U.S. Government, who also provided 'Nathaniel' with his fortune.

Howardine was later elected mayor, defeating Nathaniel. She ratified Quentin Trembley's various laws and introduced the 'Election Eagle', based on her belief that eagles could sense evil. She also established the town library, banned the presence of horses within town limits for unknown reasons, and helped spread the high-five to Canada and eventually Europe.

Her sister-in-law, Prudence Handforth, is better known today as the 'Hand Witch'. At the time, she was a young witch's apprentice who hadn't yet achieved immortality. She lost her legs in a 'magic pink exploding needle-related accident' and replaced them with arms.

Her son Cutter once frolicked freely in the woods and had relationships (yes, that kind) with many paranormal denizens, but when his affairs were discovered, his entire family line was cursed and he became deeply paranoid. He began the tradition of training for the apocalypse instead of celebrating Christmas - at the time, WWI was raging, and he believed that the Kaiser was about to invade with flying, musket-wielding goblins. He also believed the newly-formed Scouting movement was a British plot to take back their lost colonies and formed the Skirmishers in response. The Skirmishers lasted until the mid-70s, when Auldman Northwest started a moral panic about 'spreading superstition' and had them disbanded.

His son Valentine later became a bomber pilot in WWII, during which time he suffered a freak accident which crash-landed him in Germany. He blamed it on gremlins and swore to never fly again. He later became a hippie and formed a rivalry with then-mayor Befufflefumpter, allegedly over the latter's ties to the Northwest family and destruction of crocodile habitats to build 'needless water towers'. As of 2012, he's still alive, aged 101. He sells 'interesting mushrooms'.

Meanwhile, Cutter's daughter Earnestine experienced great turmoil. Her husband Ortwin and three of her four children all died unexpectedly - Ortwin apparently 'tripped and accidentally tied a sack around his head' while out walking with the Northwest patriach, Bullhorn died in a logging accident and Harper & Hadley died in a plane crash when attempting to flee to Scotland. Her last surviving child, Haven, attributed this to the 'family curse' and moved to another town, marrying into a local family called the Tweeds. The Tweed family are even more superstitious than their cousins in Gravity Falls, but are also extremely insular, untrusting, and are basically horror movie hillbillies. Nevertheless, they run a logging camp and invite the Corduroys over every year, even though no-one really wants to see them.

Valentine's son, Manly Dan Sr., married Scarlett MecPenton, one of the descendants of Fertilia Mecc. They lived in a polyamorous relationship with an artist called 'Dandy' Dave Denim, who was legally an 'adopted uncle'. Unfortunately, the 'curse' struck again - Dan's son Hunter died in a logging accident at 20, and his daughter Bixby struggled with lung cancer for her whole life, passing away at 35. One of his sons, Noah, is a Vietnamese boy who was rescued from a shipwreck in the midst of the 1975 Vietnam refugee crisis. He latched onto a plank of wood for a whole day before being found. He accidentally gave his niece Wendy mild hydrophobia (that's why she never goes on fishing trips with the others, and her first thought to defeat the Shapeshifter is 'water'. The pool doesn't count, she can actually see the bottom. :V)

Dan Sr's youngest daughter - and Wendy's aunt - Judy Corduroy married local lizard farmer and son of the suspected mastermind of the Great Geese Rampage of '83, Gosling Grendinator. Once an aspiring hockey player, she later became the town therapist, starting post-Weirdmageddon 'Friday Night Therapy' sessions.

Another son, Chuck, the 'family nerd', went on to become the bassist for a jazz band called The Chucks, where every member is called Chuck (and he received the nickname 'Woodchuck' to mark him out). He's everyone's favourite uncle, even though he's a hipster dork with a silly moustache. The band has played at every Woodstick festival since 2009.

Manly Dan Jr. - later known simply as Manly Dan (with his father becoming 'original Manly Dan') dated stranded French-Canadian ex-film crew tech Amanda Beaulieu for five years before they married in 1990. After she miscarried her first child - believed to be yet another victim of the 'curse' - she was so shaken that they wouldn't try again until 1996, the year the child who would later take the name Wendy was born.

In their old age, as of 2012, Dan Sr., Scarlett and Valentine live in a 'retirement cabin' next-door to the Valentino residence (and yes, they've heard all the jokes about old people living next-door to cemeteries, if you make one then Scarlett will hit you in the face with a broom). Wendy went to them first once Weirdmageddon rolled around. They managed to hold out for a day and a half against the Weirdness onslaught. Probably because they have the most guns out of anyone in town. Wendy half-suspected those federal agents from earlier in the summer had arrived to arrest her grandparents for arms trafficking.

Dipper did meet Wendy's brothers, he just didn't really get along with them - and this didn't bother him because he couldn't care less about making friends his own age. Kevin was basically just the stereotypical 10/11-year-old boy from the early 2010s - loud, hyperactive, obsessed with first-person shooters and 'those dumb screamo videos', thinks his tastes are the only true and correct tastes, can barely go five minutes without trying to wind Dipper up about his friendship with his big sister. According to Wendy, he's also gay.

He had better luck with Marcus, because he's older and actually likes to read, until Marcus tried to engage him in a 'philosophy debate' and spouted off mostly nonsense he'd picked up from his uncle. He always did admire both his parents and aspired to be like his dad, but was always a little less hyper than everyone else. Might also be gay.

And as for Gus, Dipper admittedly didn't make an effort to talk to him because he's only six, but Gus kinda creeped him out. He never said a word and kept giving him an evil glare. Maybe he was being overprotective towards his big sister? Wendy jokes that Gus is gonna grow up to be some kind of shadow government SpecOps agent, or a criminal mastermind.

(Credit goes to @mother-ofthe-universe for Bixby and Noah, I kinda absorbed them into this :V)