#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡
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wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........
#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff.#ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it!#and ppl like it!#and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen#like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH!#and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better#but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore#I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore#I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours.#no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off#I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts#since I have been on my meds#but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook.#it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY#there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas#this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡#(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol)#erin explains it all
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in my wildest, paint huffing, fever dream fantasies, my headcannon for cutter/lupo is that Lupo passes the bar. leaves the department. works for a defense attorney's office. Cutter works a few more years for Jack then secures himself a cushy teaching job at a law school. less stress. because Lupo was worried. they raise Otto together. Lupo always wants more dogs and Cutter must constantly say no they don't have the space in the city.
#cutter/lupo#I am Thinking Thoughts instead of going and taking my claritin to end my suffering#I stay honkin' 🤡#idk how I'm ever going to go back to being my other regular irritating ass clown self after this#like.... pandora don't go back in the box. idk what I'm gonna do. who I'm gonna be.#I legit knocked my own wifi out last night fast forwarding and rewinding eps to get to Certain Scenes like#when I say I am a pathetic unhinged lunatic over this shit. this ship. this show. it is for real.#I still pull up ebay listings for the box set and sigh wistfully. one day I will be able to buy it#and give myself real legit terminal brainrot#erin explains it all
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me writing my wip: this is good actually! it's fun! and it's good!
me reading my wip back: this is stupid and bad and you should feel bad.
#i write sometimes#this is honestly the uhhhhhh most like. crackish. thing I've ever written. while still being very in character and in canon universe & era.#so like. it's not crackish at all actually... it just feels that way. for me. cause it's a truly silly little one shot idea I had.#it's so. stupid. silly. idk I go back and forth like it's just silly! it's for funsies!#and like it's fuckin stupid you should never share this this is the stupidest thing you've ever written. which is saying something.#and yet I stay clickin and clackin away at it. like a fckn 🤡 I stay honkin'#it's the hall0ween march.ly fic literally no one wants but I might share anyway 🙃
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I simply will put them out of my mind. Stop thinking about them. End my own suffering.
*listens to the hour+ long playlist I made for them on repeat*
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