#💭 fidds' thoughts

[bolts-n-brainwaves]

» 『✎』 — 𝐉ournal Entry 001

Gatherin' my memories is as hard as it ever was. It was difficult to try and keep my head on straight when I was in college or when I was with Stanford, but after that messy few decades with the memory gun? It's hard to remember my own organizational system, nevermind what I did earlier or if I ate at all today,,

I do remember things here and there, mostly at random, through stimuli via my other senses. Like a smell or hearing a song, somethin' like that will shake one of my memories loose from whatever brambles they're stuck in ...

I think,, one of my bigger memories,, was seein' Stanford again for the first time in 30 somethin' years, after the portal catastrophe (which I found out by the way, not from him, but from Stanley instead).

I had already spent the weeks prior to Ford comin' home tryin' to work on myself, to find some other way to ease the pain my memories brought me,, well, a way other than the memory gun, which the Pines kids convinced me not to use.

Seeing Ford after all that time,, even though my mind was still in shambles,, I just couldn't stop the tears. I missed that brilliant man more than anythin' , even if he was a pain in my ass,, though I was equally problematic towards him as well before everything fell apart.

Regardless of how things went down,, he still owned a large part of my heart n' soul. I was both devastated and relieved at the same time,, I lost 30 years with my friend, my partner. It's real hard, tryin' not to blame myself for what happened.

Maybe if I'd been there a little longer,, if I'd tried a little harder, if I hadn't given up and been so desperate to forget, to hide away from my fears —

It's all in the past now, but that ain't gonna stop the "what-if's" , unfortunately.

I just hope he still thinks as fondly of me as I do of him ...

[bolts-n-brainwaves]

» 『✎』 — 𝐉ournal Entry 003

CW: Mental health discussion

As I mentioned in this post, my BPD ('n OCD if I think about it) became painfully clear in regards to my relationships, both with myself, and others (mainly Stanford ) .

I felt frequently overwhelmingly alone, 'n I couldn't really place who I was or what I should've been .

Stanford was, and likely still is, my ' favorite person ' , which wasn't great for my relationship with him, but I can't really turn that part of my brain off . I tried to do everythin' I could to appease him, impress him, mirror traits I thought he'd like . If it got me in his good graces, I'd most likely try it . (Note that this was not our entire relationship, but it wasn't a miniscule part either)

After my initial portal incident, my rose colored view of him shattered, and I think it's at that point that I truly began my descent, I began splittin' on him . My black 'n white thinkin' made it hard to remember that for the last 5+ years, we'd been partners, hell ... best friends . Pair that with my feelings for him that I felt were one sided,, I became a mess .

It felt like I'd been utterly abandoned . Felt like once he'd begin buildin' this contraption, once he'd met and truly bonded with that " muse " of his ... like I was no longer needed . I was there for help, but it didn't feel like he turned t'me as a friend anymore . Not only that, but it felt like I mattered even less than that, at least that's the idea I got from how Ford reacted after he pulled me out'ta that damn portal .

Now I ain't the best at handlin' rejection or criticism, stuff like that . I got used to bein' one of the ' gifted kids ' at school, 'n aside from that, my experience with bein' social was,, sorely lackin' . Sure I could masquerade well enough, but that's all it was, a big game of pretend .

Back to my fallin' out with Stanford ...

I had no real way of convincin' myself that what was happenin' both on my end, and on his, was far from the ' norm ' . I lashed out, left the project, left him . If he was goin' t'reject me, I should'a rejected him right back ! I was hurt somethin' fierce, though I didn't know if it was my fault, his, or a mix of both ...

Took me a few days t'cool off after that, but once I did, I felt even worse . I burned the bridge between myself 'n my best friend, because of feelings I couldn't even prove were reality . I didn't even really feel like I could face him after that, I mean, why would he even hear me out, nevermind acceptin' me back ?

Before I knew it, I'd been haunted by that, 'n by what I'd seen . I chose the path of least resistance, I found a way t' forget . I was a psychologist first, and a mechanic second; I put that knowledge t'good use . 'N I started cookin' up the memory gun blueprints .

I wasn't truly in my right mind, by that point . At least, even less than normal .

[bolts-n-brainwaves]

» 『✎』 — 𝐉ournal Entry 002

CW: Mental health discussion

I was thinkin' about how my life now compares to my life before, as somethin' of a 'spiritual kin' ...

What I've seemed to piece together is that I was just as neurodivergent before as I am now ,, now I ain't see that as a bad thing, but it does explain quite a few things .

Despite my intense interest / fascination with psychology and the inner workings of the mind, I never really put it together that I might have also been different ?

Some notable things I think I might've had back then based on vague memories and what I do have now would've been,,

OCD - I was very particular about how I wanted or needed things to be, on top of being a bit of a germophobe . Not only that, but I was real obsessive about my morality, how I was perceived, and my relationships .

AuDHD - I was real hard to keep the focus of, 'n on top of that, bein' "normal" was the hardest challenge of them all . I had frequent special interests, on top of spacin' out frequently . I felt like I stood out in a crowd, 'n I could never really connect with people, or understand why they looked at me funny . I'm sure I wasn't the only one who felt like this in my family, but even with our similarities, we still butt heads a lot .

BPD - From the experiences I've had so far in this life, as well as the research I've done (ranging from others with BPD, to the DSM-5 qualifications), I do think this one was a key player in my adult life . I couldn't really make or maintain my relationships with people, even if I loved them dearly . It wasn't for a lack of tryin' though ... but when unrecognized and untreated, BPD is definitely a pain in the ass .

I'll go further into my BPD discussion in a later post, however ... based on what I've already got saved in my notepad, it's gonna be a doozy .

If y'all'd like to talk about mental health, psychology, things like that ,, feel free to send somethin' in ! Despite the negativity in my memories and such, I do love discussin' the topic . It still fascinates me, even to this day !

[bolts-n-brainwaves]

· · ────── ·𖥸· ────── · ·

𝐒tanford Pines isn't the only one who kept journals, y'know. I think this blog will serve as my own journal, one I plan on sharin' with the populace, at least.

It'll contain memories, doodles, random thoughts, things like that.

Though I suppose I do owe whoever's seein' this a proper introduction. Welcome to my 'sanctuary of secrets' , oh inquirin' eye.

『✎』 — M'name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, and I'm a resident of the spectacle that is the town of Gravity Falls.

This blog is for cataloging my thoughts and memories, as well as finding sourcemates from the series 'Gravity Falls'. I also plan on tryin' to reconnect with people from my past, particularly the Pines Family, whom I was particularly close with.

Further information on myself, as well as details about this blog will be placed below. I'm trying to keep this intro as tidy as I can ...

The tagging system for this little haven of mine is as follows:

#♻️ Fidds' Reblogs // Reblogs

#💭 Fidds' Thoughts // Memory Chatter

#🖋️ Fidds' Pages // Random Chatter && Doodles

#💻 Fidds' Inbox // Asks && Submissions

#☀️ Primary Timeline // Main Timeline Talk

#🌑 Secondary Timeline // 2nd Timeline Talk

Some important notes about myself should also be included in this post ...

- Bodily, I am 20-21. I ask that anyone that interacts with me privately (DMs or whatnot) be 18+ . This is for my comfort.

- Anyone is welcome to reach out, I didn't really have any ill will towards the folks in Gravity Falls. The only people I'd be wary around are those who are hostile towards me.

- There's going to be plenty of #fiddauthor / #fordsquared on this blog, if you're uninterested in the topic at all, please pass me by.

Last thing to mention is that this is a side blog, so if you see any interactions, likes, or whatnot,, it'll be comin' from @/pieisbestdessert .