#조금씩

[theonlyuniverseofcolorfulsoul]

시간이 모든 것을 해결해 주지는 못 한다 해도

하루가 지나면 하루만큼 조금씩 그렇게

그대의 마음의 상처도 아물어 가기를.

[zabarai]

비 내리는 날은 얼큰한 탕이 최고죠. 동태탕 먹으면서 축구 보려고 하는데 배부르다. #조금씩 #조금씩천천히 #먹기 #비내리는날 #얼큰한국물 #좋아요 #침샘자극그램 (사당역에서) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClgI0koPluL/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[scorpioracha]

You ever just-

You ever just sing spring day in the dark and go through🥲

[rosylix]

rosy

더 깊이 빠져들겠지 더 조금씩 더 조금씩 넌...

you don't know how to give a hickey.. what are friends for if not to help each other with these things?

pairing: bff!felix × gn!reader

wc: 4.3k

content: nonidol au, fluff, not rly smut but suggestive (mdni pls), shy/inexperienced reader, hickeys (duh), reader is like slightly germophobic idk, a lot of teasing, no use of y/n

a/n: i am so delusional i need to bite this mans neck badly. and yes this is my username. yes it's the loona song. lol

[also read on ao3]

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

—

God, you should have just kept your mouth shut.

“You don't know how to give a hickey?”

You shake your head and cover your face, hiding from Felix, who's sitting next to you on his bed.

“Wait, really? Like you've never even tried it on yourself?” he asks.

“No?! What, people actually do that?” Your hands lower slightly to reveal your eyes widening.

He breathes out a laugh and you hit his arm. “It's not funny!”

“It's kind of funny.”

“Shut up. I just— like— I never… whatever.” He poorly conceals a teasing smile. “Shut up or you're literally not getting any cinnamon rolls tomorrow. In fact, lemme ask Hannie if he wants your extras.” You pull out your phone.

Before you can do anything, Felix swiftly moves closer to you, his hand pushing yours down. “Whoa, whoa, hey.. that's a little drastic, yeah? Have I ever told you how much I love and appreciate you? ..And your cinnamon rolls?” He smiles sweetly, batting his eyelashes at you.

You grumble but drop the phone and shake his hand away, pursing your lips to fight a smile. The two of you fall into a comfortable silence.

…And then Felix ruins it.

“But you've kissed people before, right?”

You look at him incredulously. “Did I not say to shut up??” you shriek.

“Is that a no?” He giggles. He fucking giggles. You want to punch his pretty face.

“Lee Felix Yongbok I will smite you down right here where you stand if you don't—”

He puts his hands up in surrender. “Okay wait, sorry, I didn't mean it like that! I just mean, it's kind of like the same thing, you know?”

“The same as what? Giving a h-hickey?” You can't help but stutter a little.

“Yeah like it's… I'll show you.” 

Felix suddenly moves so he's in front of you and gently grabs your arm. He'll show you?! Literally what. What the hell. You let out a small squeak and instinctively lean away from him. 

“Relax, I just meant here,” he touches your arm. “Is that okay?”

You stare at him.

“...Or I could show it on myself but I thought it might be better to feel it? Or I don't have to do it at all of course,” he says quickly.

Oh. It takes a second but the gears in your head start slowly turning enough to respond.

“Oh.” Well, okay, that wasn't as much of a response as you meant to give.

Felix laughs softly and pulls his hand away from your arm. “Sorry, it's too weird, right? No worries.”

But wait, you're actually curious. And isn't it better to figure it out before you inevitably make a fool out of yourself in front of someone else? It makes you a bit nervous but… you're comfortable with Felix. “No, wait, you can uh... show me…?”

His eyebrows raise for a second but then he smiles. “You sure?”

You nod. You still feel a little dazed and you're not really cognizant enough to actually do anything but watch him as he moves closer again. Your arm must feel like a dead weight but he lifts it up and lowers his head, placing a chaste kiss on your inner wrist. “This okay? Usually you um... start with kissing.”

“O-Oh, okay, yeah..” you murmur. What is this sudden weird atmosphere? Maybe you're the only one feeling it. Felix doesn't seem too phased, but you can feel your heart pounding in your chest. Shit, can he feel your pulse right now? You really hope not. 

He flashes a shy smile and places another kiss there, and another a little higher, and another, and it feels way too intimate and sends shivers up your spine. Slowly, he moves up your forearm, stopping right before your elbow.

“So… then.. you just wanna like... suck,” he says before doing just that, right below the crook of your elbow. 

Oh. It feels weird. You must have made a noise or something because he looks up at you through dark lashes, a smile playing on the corners of his lips. You swallow. What the actual hell is happening right now? 

After holding excruciating eye contact for what feels like an eternity, he lets his eyes close. Thank god, because it was making your chest feel tight and weird. You continue to stare as he continues kissing and sucking at your arm, face absolutely burning at the strange sensation.

You've literally lost the freaking plot. You just sit there, no semblance of time passing. After about twenty seconds? Twenty minutes? It literally could have been either — he finally pulls away, with a final kiss and light drag of his teeth against your skin. 

You hold your breath as he sits up and gently maneuvers your arm so you could see the fruits of his labor. He clears his throat. “Um, so… it's starting to show up. See?” he says a little breathlessly.

You nod, unsure what to say when your best friend literally just sucked a hickey onto your arm. A very platonic hickey. Okay. This is fine. This is totally normal right? It must be or he wouldn't have offered. ..Right? You stare down at the bruise starting to blossom on your arm and finally chance a glance at Felix, but he also has his head down, staring at your arm.

Suddenly as if on cue, his head jerks up. When he sees you looking at him he grins. “Cool, right? How does it feel?” 

“Weird…” you mumble. How can he be so nonchalant about this? You want to strangle him.

He nods. “It might be a little sensitive for a bit.” He runs his fingers lightly over the reddening area and you immediately see what he means. It feels tender and tingly under his touch. You shiver. “So.. you think you get how to do it now?” he asks. 

“Um… yeah, I mean, maybe?”

“Do you wanna try?”

“Try? What, on… on your arm?!” 

A slight blush creeps up his face and he shrugs. “Sure, or wherever… my arm, or my neck since that's where it's usually…”

You feel your face heat up as well. “I…”

“I just thought, if you wanna like, practice? But of course you don't have to.” He looks away and shrugs again, seeming a little embarrassed for suggesting it.

You open and close your mouth over and over again like a fish. Like a stupid dumb fish who somehow got itself reeled into this crazy situation. But honestly, the more you think about it, the offer to practice is tempting. When would you get another opportunity like this? Probably never. And… you trust Felix more than anyone else.

“...Is it really okay?” you ask hesitantly.

Felix looks up, blinking a few times before smiling. “Of course. I mean, it's only fair since I did it on you,” he laughs softly. He seems happy but also a little surprised that you actually appeared to be agreeing to his offer. Honestly, you're surprised too.

“Right, um…” you mumble. You shuffle a little closer to him. His hand slides down from your elbow to your hand, rubbing gentle circles on the back of it with his thumb. To reassure you, you think. It's a sweet gesture.

You lean in slightly towards his neck, deciding that if you do it here, you can hide your face from him and avoid any eye contact. “Um, can I...? Where should I…?”

You're so close to him. You can hear his breath catch a little before he points to the side of his neck with his free hand. “Around here,” he says, his voice somehow getting impossibly lower.

You swallow, the reality of the situation suddenly sinking in. As you lean in further you bite your lip, anxious. You need to break this tension somehow. You just can't do this right now. “Um.. um… do you wash your neck?” you blurt out.

Felix leans back a little. “Do I... do I wash my neck? That's what you're worried about?” he laughs.

“Some people probably don't!” you exclaim. Then you sigh. “Ugh, s-sorry, that's stupid, right? You literally licked my arm,” you let out a nervous laugh. “I just— I don't know. It feels icky. Germs.” 

He hums. “You're not stupid.” A pause. “But, I can proudly say I do wash my neck.” He presses his lips together, clearly suppressing another laugh and you just know he's about to tease you. “Wow, how do you even kiss people if you're this worried about germs?”

“Shut up,” you grumble, leaning back into his neck a little to hide your face, your breath hot on his neck. He inhales sharply and seems surprised and, you think, a little panicked?

You instantly pull away. “Felix, are you sure?” You chew on your lip. Is this a bad idea after all?

“Yeah, I-I... yeah, of course,” he says, a little breathless, but you're not entirely convinced. You start to move away fully but he quickly grabs your arm again. “No.. no, wait. Please,” he whispers. You see him visibly try to relax, taking a deep breath in and out. “It's okay. I promise. I was just caught off guard.”

“Sorry,” you whisper.

“No, no, you're good, you're fine. It was me.” Felix clears his throat and rubs your arm reassuringly. 

You take a deep breath. “Okay… so.. here?” You lean back in to where you were previously, breath hitting his neck.

He swallows, and you see it because his Adam's apple bobs up and down right in front of your face. What the fuck. “Yeah. Just go slow and… you can start with kissing if you want. Don't overthink it,” he mumbles, sounding more like he's reminding himself of something.

You nod and slowly, so slowly, you lean in the rest of the way and press your lips to his neck.

You expected him to remain still but a small breathy noise escapes him and he leans his head further back, exposing more of his neck in the process. You swear you can feel his pulse thrumming under your lips. “Good... um.. yeah, just... kiss a little bit and then suck. You can use your tongue, too,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper, but you can feel the vibrations against your lips when he speaks. What the fuck.

Your head feels fuzzy. You hesitantly place a kiss on his neck, and then another a little higher, and another, until you reach an area you're satisfied with. You almost want to pull away but remember Felix's words. Right. Just try not to overthink it…

He pulls a breath in through his teeth when you press an open-mouthed kiss and start sucking gently. At the same time, your tongue darts out almost automatically and touches his skin. 

You feel him swallow thickly. “Y-You gotta… harder…” he murmurs. “Or it won't mark.”

You hesitate. “Won't it hurt?”

He blinks hard and shakes his head slightly. “Don't worry… I-I'll tell you if it hurts, okay? Just try. Do it like I did.”

You nod and take a deep breath before trying again, this time in earnest, sucking harder and pulling his skin between your lips and even past your teeth.

“Yeah,” he breathes out, his grip on your arm tightening, “Like... like that. And you can.. use your teeth a little too.” His voice is getting thick, low, and raspy and, god, you feel a little dizzy.

But you want to please him, so you bite down softly and let your teeth run over the area. A quiet, high-pitched whine escapes his lips, and his hand shoots up to cover his mouth, body jerking back slightly. He suddenly seems to realize the noise he made and looks at you, wide-eyed.

You pull back again, a little breathless. “D-Did it hurt?” You really didn't think you bit that hard, but you can't hide the worry in your voice.

His hand drops from his mouth, face flushed and breathing labored. His eyes look a little dialed out. “No... no, it didn't.. hurt.” It seems like it takes all his strength just to say that. “Sorry, I just...” he takes a few more seconds to gather himself, “Um, kinda sensitive…”

…Sensitive? Oh. Oh. It was good. He liked it. You almost sigh in relief. But then… wait. He's sensitive there. He… Your brain isn't working. You find yourself leaning back in to his neck without thinking.

Felix doesn’t protest, just sits back, exposing more of his neck to you. You feel his body shudder when you lightly drag your teeth over the area before attaching your mouth more firmly and sucking at his skin.

He can’t stop the whimper from leaving his throat. “That feels really good.. you’re doing good,” he pants.

Your heart swells from the praise and you double down on your efforts. You hear him try to suppress another whimper but it’s more strained this time. It happens again and again, little noises and whines that you're not sure if he's even aware he's making. Every noise pulls and tugs at something in your stomach.

It feels intimate, so insanely intimate and you think you might combust on the spot if you go any longer. It's a bit nerve-wracking to pull away and face Felix but you force yourself to, licking your lips as you retreat.

Your eyes immediately widen at the sight in front of you. A pretty, deep pink bruise begins to blossom on his neck and your heart skips a beat at the realization that you did that to him.

Felix hasn't said anything. Is he upset? You chance a glance at his face and—

Oh. His eyes are closed and a faint sheen of sweat coats his flushed face, which is pulled taught in a mixture of bliss and something like pain. His chest is heaving, breath coming out in quick gasps. You stare at him, the only thought in your mind being: God, he's gorgeous like this.

He blinks rapidly and seems to finally come to. When he finally refocuses his gaze on you, he lets out a shaky exhale that turns into a weak laugh.

“...Good?” he asks.

Good? Good? Your head is spinning. It's not good. Nothing is good. Life is meaningless and everything you know exists on a floating rock spinning in the void and you think you're gonna pass out and never wake up. It's not good. It's fucking crazy. But you just mumble, “It's… showing up, I think…”

He raises an eyebrow. “That right? Let me see then.”

Felix grabs his phone and pulls up the camera, angling it so he has a clear view of his neck. He lets out a soft whistle, bringing his hand up to feel where the hickey is. You watch dumbly as he presses his fingers on it and lets out a shaky sigh. Then he looks at you and grins before throwing you a thumbs-up. “You did great. It's already pretty dark.”

You actually want to kill him. Your brain is melting and he's acting like this is the most normal afternoon of his life. Maybe it is. Does Felix do this type of thing often? The thought makes you shiver.

You throw your hands over your face. “I-I didn't mean for it to be that—like—ugh…”

His smile softens. “Hey, hey, you don't have to be embarrassed. It's…” he searches your face for a second and suddenly reaches over to gently pull your hands away. “It's not that bad. You did really good. Besides, it’s my neck, yeah?” His tone shifts to more of a teasing one, like he’s amused you’re overreacting a little. It just serves to frustrate you more.

You sigh. “Um… I really—it's really okay..?”

He nods. “Yeah, of course it is. It’s just a little mark, nothing serious.” He looks at you thoughtfully for a bit and you feel yourself getting flushed under his gaze. “You know.. you can try it again. If you want. Just to practice. Or for science, or whatever.” He laughs.

What. You’re stunned into silence. Science? You stare at him incredulously and he just grins back before leaning even further forward. This can't be your Felix. This is actually crazy. 

Felix smiles at your dumbfounded expression. “…Come on.” He brings a hand up to your face and pokes at your cheek softly. “Do it again. Try a different spot. Make it darker.”

He's obviously teasing you. So you're flabbergasted when what comes out of your mouth is, “W-Where..?” Where? Literally what are you saying. Like, where is the nearest exit? Where has your own sanity gone? That's what you should be asking.

He shrugs. “Anywhere. The other side?” He points to the unmarked side of his neck. Then he pushes his shirt down slightly, revealing a sliver of his shoulder and collarbone before looking back at you, eyes expectant with a bit of an impish gleam. “Maybe.. here?” he mumbles.

Your head spins. Oh yeah, you're definitely gonna pass out. It's so over. Life and death and the universe… fucking craziness. You're falling. You're dying. Everything is melting. Nothing's real.

Oh wait, you're actually falling, your head plopping down on his shoulder as you let out an embarrassed groan. 

You hear him laughing softly. “Someone's eager—”

You’re a bit confused but then your eyes focus on the place your head is now laying and—Oh god, you’re right where his shoulder and neck meet. Right where he just told you to suck a hickey. Great.

You instantly lift your head up, face burning. “No, I didn't—I wasn't trying to—”

He brushes the hair out of your face. “Hey, it's okay, I'm not forcing you or anything. Are you overwhelmed?” 

“Um, yeah, but— y-yeah. Sorry.” God. How pathetic do you look right now?

“Don't apologize. I was just teasing. It makes sense to be overwhelmed. It's a new experience.” He sits back and laughs but there’s a bit of a nervous waver to it. “You're fine, seriously. Maybe we got a little carried away, huh?”

“Uhh— yeah….”

He gives you an apologetic look. “I'm sorry for being pushy. Let's just... just forget about the whole thing, yeah? Let's play some video games or something.” He clears his throat.

He's moving on but your head is still spinning. This really is the most normal afternoon for him, you think. Because how is he so chill? Your body is still buzzing with nervous energy and you can't just switch off and forget about it, can you?

You can't. “Uh— Uh, wait—...”

“...Yeah?”

You drop your head back down onto his shoulder. “Um… is it bad if I… kinda…”

You trail off and he doesn’t respond for a few seconds. You don’t dare move, waiting for something, anything. When he finally does say something his voice sounds strained. “Kinda what?” he asks quietly.

“Um.” Fuck. “Nevermind.” You go to draw back but Felix quickly places a hand at the back of your head, preventing any movement.

You hear him exhale quietly. “I don't mind, you know,” he whispers. “You can do it. If you... if you want to.” He slowly starts running his fingers through your hair. “If you wanna practice. The more you practice, the more comfortable you'll be with it, right?”

You hum against his shoulder, the justification mulling around in your head. Of course. Of course that's why you want to. For practice. For science.

He continues. “Yeah, do it. Uh, j-just, I mean— if you want. A-As practice. Try to… see how dark you can make it… or… ” For all the talk he was making before, he stutters now, and you can't help but find it a little endearing. Maybe he's actually a little nervous as well.

Fuck it. Who cares. You've lost the plot. You press your mouth against his skin, giving a few open-mouthed kisses before gently sucking at it.

You hear his breathing stutter and he shifts slightly. “Yeah, j-just…” he lets out a shaky sigh and presses his hand a bit more firmly on the back of your head, bringing you closer to him. The angle is still a bit awkward to reach, so without much thinking, you crawl slightly onto his lap.

“Oh,” he mumbles, his body goes tense for a second before relaxing again. He's completely still, like if he moves you’ll pull away, but eventually his fingers start running through your hair again. It isn't a particularly suggestive position, you're sitting back more towards his knees, but suddenly everything feels charged with tension. 

You hear a low, almost imperceptible groan as you continue sucking lightly from the new angle. “You're doing really well,” he mutters encouragingly. “Just a little more… harder. And like, bite a little, remember?”

Right. You comply and bite down a little. Felix lets out a small whine, hand tightening in your hair. “Good… uh, just like that..” he mumbles. “You can try moving a little more, if you want—”

You don't need to hear more, instantly moving your mouth higher up his neck without much thought. His fingers slide down until his hands are completely resting between your shoulder blades, pressing you closer. Shivers run down your spine where he touches and you attach your lips to the side of his Adam's apple.

“A-Ah…” a shaky moan escapes him, taking both of you by surprise. His hands suddenly jump down to grip your waist tightly. Oh. He seems much more sensitive here. You swear you're dizzy. Maybe you're dying. You think you’re fine with that honestly.

You want to bite him. You let your teeth sink into the skin a little. He lets out a shaky half-laugh, half-groan, tilting his head back and pulling you towards him. “Y-You learn quickly.” A deep pink flush runs high on his cheeks, and his breaths are unsteady. You’ve never seen him like this, so undone, and it's making you feel powerful. You want more.

You decide to give in to that and bite down harder, feeling his body jerk. He moans, breathy, and whispers, “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that feels so good.” One of his hands moves to the back of your neck, fingers gently grasping the base of your hair. His thumb brushes up against your earlobe and for some reason it sets tingles off all down your spine.

…Does it really feel that good? You can't help but wonder. It mostly just felt weird on your arm but you suppose that's different. Different from your. Neck. Oh fuck, now you're thinking about it. His mouth on your neck. His mouth on your neck. You're floating. You're crashing. Everything is cool. Everything is burning. 

Your brain is practically short-circuiting and you start sucking on the same spot before pulling back just enough to bite down and suck at it again, this time a little harder.

His breath stutters and you feel his head tilt to give you more access. There's another small gasp that comes out as a strained “Fuuuck…” when you continue. You think you're actually delirious at this point.

Then, “W-wait..” he says urgently, his chest heaving. His hand that was on your neck slides down to grab your shoulder now.

“That's… good. We should.. stop. I…” he pants heavily.

You pull away instantly. “O-Okay. Yeah. Sorry.” You feel restless, fidgety, more than just from nerves.

“No, you're fine, god. It's me. I'm getting too…” he shakes his head. “You did really good, I…” He presses his hands against his eyes and takes a few deep, slow breaths.

When he drops his hands he seems mostly back to normal. “Um.” He laughs a little. “We, uh… how's it look?”

You stare at his neck and shoulder. Oh, fuck. In truth, it looks fucking insane. Like he got mauled or something. Oh my god. That was you. What came over you?

He raises an eyebrow at your silence. “Guess I gotta see for myself,” he says and places his hands on your waist to lift you up and off of his lap. As if you weigh literally nothing. What the fuck.

With your head still reeling at how he lifted you like you're nothing, you don't really notice him reaching for his phone to see himself until you hear him suck in a breath.

“Wow… I'm gonna get so many comments tomorrow.”

“What?!” you shriek. Oh god. Of course it'll take a few days to fade. You hadn't even thought about that. The light mark on your arm is easy to brush off as nothing but the rosy hues on his neck are unmistakable.

He laughs. “I'm just kidding. I'll have to.. cover it with makeup I guess. Don't worry.”

“You better…” you mumble, embarrassed.

He hums. “Hmm… Well it isn't really fair... What should I do…” He leans in, studying your flushed face. “Wanna match?” he says with a cheeky grin.

“What?? Felix!”

“I'm joking! Jeez…” He pokes your cheek. “Unless all this blushing isn't just from embarrassment and you're actually into this?” 

Your face is positively burning. “Shut up. You're annoying as hell,” you grumble.

He gasps dramatically. “After I gave up my sanctity for you to practice on me? This is how you treat me?”

You can't help but giggle at his dramatics but you quickly steel your expression and glare at him equally as dramatically.

You're really grateful everything seems to be normal on his end. You're trying your best to act the same, but in truth, you feel like a fucking mess. His joking comment about you being into this… No, definitely not. There's no way. It's probably just because it's your first time doing this with anyone, so of course it's going to feel crazy and weird and confusing. Right? Yeah. But still. Even long after the two of you move on, playing video games and hanging out like normal, you can't shake the feeling that something's weird. Something shifted. You don't know what the fuck it is though. You just try not to think about it.

How are you actually supposed to go back to normal after this?

—

a/n: so on a scale of 1 to 10 how painfully obvious is it that i've never given a hickey in my life.

no but um haha any feedback good or bad would be super appreciated!! pls leave a like or reblog if u enjoyed it makes me so happy. tysm for reading <3

part 2

[dryfog]

조금씩 느껴지는 찬 공기에 살짝 우울할 뻔했는데 확 떨어진 온도에서는 이상하게도 기분이 좀 좋았다. 하지만 여기까지라는 걸 안다. 겨울을 좋아하지는 않을 거라는 걸 나도 알고 고양이들도 알지.

도서관에 가서 9월에 빌린 책들을 반납했다. 당분간은 느슨하게 읽고 싶어서 좋아하는 작가 시리즈를 여러 권 데려왔다. 그리고 마지막 한 권은 무얼 읽어볼까 고민하던 찰나에 집사라서 그런지 지나칠 수 없었던 책 제목을 보고 잠시 꺼내어 펼쳐보았다. 그것 또한 읽고 싶은 마음이 생겨서 같이 빌려왔다.

아직 조금은 불안하고 울적한 기운이 가끔씩 느껴지기도 하지만 다시 봄이 올 거란 걸 알기에 이번 겨울 잘 견뎌내보자는 말을 내게 건넨다.

환절기인 탓에 코랑 뺨이 조금씩 간지러워지기 시작한다. 아프고 나서 일주일 넘게 커피를 안 마셨는데 몸은 커피를 잊지 못하는 것 같다. 드립 커피를 연하게 타서 차와 섞어 마셨다. 조금은 살 것 같다. 이제 곧 겨울이 오겠지.

[eundoh]

이사 첫 주. 원래의 나의 집과 새로 입주할 집까지 한 시간이 넘게 걸리는 거리를 온갖 귀찮음을 이겨내고 출근 도장 찍으며 싱크대도 바꾸고 걸레받이까지 붙였다. 살면서 내가 별 걸 다 한다는 뿌듯함과 돈이 많았으면 굳이 알 필요 없었을 영역이라는 현타가 매번 함께 밀려오지만, 난 정말 많은 걸 몰랐고 안 해보며 살았구나 하는 놀라움이 사실 더 크다. 일찍부터 자녀를 정신적 독립시키고자 했던 부모님 교육관 때문에 이제 겨우 30년 정도 산 내가 벌써 자취 15년 차가 됐는데도 모르는 게 이렇게 많은 줄을 몰랐다. 내가 가진 팁이랄 게 별로 없더라. 그간 비싼 값을 지불하고 얼마나 편리함에 길들여져 살았나. 오늘은 침실 블라인드를 달았다. 이런 것도 하기 싫어서 사람을 불렀던 내가 최근까지도 있었다.

아직도 할 일은 많고 빈 곳에 채워야 할 건 한가득이고 당장 내 잔고는 늘어날 기미가 없어 보이지만 일단 내가 가진 시드로 알뜰하게 잘 따져가며 조금씩 천천히 서두르지 않고 해봐야겠다. 싱크대 뜯어고치느라 에너지를 너무 많이 썼어. 문짝이 등에 떨어져서 큰 멍도 들었지. 이사보다 더 힘들었다.

처음 맞아보는 주말이다. 새로운 동네, 새 집에서 건강하게 무탈하게 잘 살아보자.

[gilllhj]

<내일 음악이 사라진다면>

간만에 술술 읽히면서 재밌는 요소가 많았던

/

네, 연주자�� 화가보다는 미술사학자와 비슷한 것 같습니다. 공연할 때는 제가 작곡가의 목소리를 전해줘야 한다고 생각해요.

엘가의 〈첼로 협주곡〉 중에는 재클린 뒤프레Jacqueline Mary Du Pré'의 레코딩이 후대에 지배적인 영향을 미치고 있습니다. 하지만 그 연주는 엘가의 것이 아니라 재클린 뒤프레의 것입니다. 협연할 때도 재클린 뒤프레 연주를 표본으로 삼는 지휘자와 연주자를 많이 봅니다. 재클린 뒤프레의 레코딩을 연주해야 하는 게 아니라 엘가가 악보에 남긴 것을 연주해야 하는데도요. 제가 그렇게 주장해서 연주를 조금씩 수정해나가기도 합니다. 하지만 청중에게는 재클린 뒤프레의 레코딩이 훨씬 더 인상적으로 남아 있겠죠.

재클린 뒤프레의 연주에 대해서 어떻게 생각하십니까?

무척 좋아합니다. 하지만 그 레코딩은 재클린 뒤프레의 곡에 대한 해석일 뿐입니다. 지나치게 감성적이라서, 엘가가 악보에 남긴 것과는 상당한 차이가 있습니다. 제가 그 연주를 좋아하기는 하지만 재클린 뒤프레처럼 연주할 수는 없습니다.

대중과 양 선생님이 재클린 뒤프레의 레코딩을 더 좋아하는데도요?

엘가의 악보를 저는 재클린 뒤프레처럼 이해하지는 않았으니까요. 제가 보기에 엘가의 의도는 재클린 뒤프레의 연주와는 다릅니다.

[7wuliy]

우리 사이 조금씩 멀어져도 (다가가고 싶어) Can we make it? (Can we make it?) 그래 닿을 수 없는 그곳에 계속 빠지는 나 Am I the only fool?

봐바 지금  ❙ᬄᬃ𒆙

ⓘ▬̸⃨ 

한 번 더 돌이켜도 그대로 마주할 때, 베인 상처가, 오늘도 내일도 잡을 수 없어서 난 계속 헤매네

Is it me or is it you?

In a mirage…

[bekind-son]

명절맞이 대청소를 한다, 비행기표가 너무 비싸서 할머니, 할아버지를 보러 갈 엄두는 나지 않고, 부모님을 또 보러가기엔 너무 일렀다.

나의 세월이, 취향이 고스란히 묻어있는 소중한 것들아.

17년에 처음 이 업계에 발을 들이고 막연히 언젠가 MD가 되고 싶다는 생각을 했어. 인간적으로도, 일적으로도 제대로 해낸 것 없던 나를 셀 수 없이 많은 사람들이 지금처럼 다져줬다는 생각을 해.

내가 내 힘으로 혼자 이렇게 살아간다는 것은 사실 다 허상이지. 서면에서 처음 나에게 동료라는 걸 알려준 형, 누나, 동생들부터 책임감과 체계를 배운 제주도, 그리고 다시 올라온 서울까지.

막연히 몇 년 전에 매장일을 떠나면서 과연 내가 내 꿈을 이룰 수 있을까, 의구심이 가득했던 시기가 이제 슬슬 끝이 보이는가 싶어. 되는대로 뭐든 해가면서, 어떻게든 배우고 먹어치우며 조금씩 나도 모르게 전진했던 길에 드디어 살짝이나마 꿈이라는 것과 접점이 생긴 것이 아닐까. 몇 없는 친구들아, 내가 잊어버렸지만 나를 지지해준 많은 사람들아.

모두 고마워. 이제 또 다시 처음처럼 배우며 달려갈 시간이네. 다음에 보자.

[memorialdreams]

모든 게 다 잘 될 거라는 빠듯한 믿음은 얇아진 지갑 만큼 말랑했다. 요즘은 숨을 쉬는 것도 벅차게 느껴졌는데, 이것도 결국엔 지나간다는 마음도 많이 닳아져서. 지나가는 거리가 100미터인지 행성 사이 거리인지, 결국 지쳐버리진 않았나. 내 열정에 새로운 땔감이 필요한 시점인 것 아닌가, 이런저런 생각이 겹겹이 쌓여간다.

이사를 했다. 집 근처라서, 조금씩 차에 담아 옮기면 되겠거니 했는데, 옮기기 전엔 많았고 옮긴 후에는 얼마 되지 않았다. 감당이 될 만큼만 하면 될 텐데. 습관적 무리하기가 싫지만 그게 지금까지 내가 여기 있을 수 있던 이유인 것 같아서.

결국은 잘하자 하는 마음으로 돌아오는 것이. 어쩔 수 없는 것 같다.

[rosylix]

rosy: the series

더 깊이 빠져들겠지더 조금씩 더 조금씩 넌...

you dont know how to give a hickey... what are friends for if not to help each other with these things?

pairing: bff!felix × gn!reader

status: ongoing

[please see specific chapters for content info/warnings!]

1. rosy - 4.3k

2. petal - 4.4k

3. flower - 7.3k

4. blossom -

total word count:

[also read on ao3]

[dryfog]

기록하지 않으니 자꾸 지난 일들을 잊어버린다. 불행도 행복도 마음에 담아두지 말아야지 어차피 다 무뎌질 텐데... 그랬는데. 어제의 나도, 좋았던 기억도 흐릿해지니 큰일 나겠다 싶어 이젠 숙제처럼 기록할 수밖에 없다. 의욕이 생길 때마다 글자를 조금씩 채워나가는 중이다.

도서관에 갈 때마다 가는 날이 장날인지 대출증 문제이거나 휴일이거나... 어쨌든 이날 드디어 도서관에서 책을 빌릴 수 있게 되었다. 생각해뒀던 책 두 권과 합하여 총 네 권을 빌렸는데 생각보다 대여 기간이 길다. 10월 초까지 읽으면 되지만, 딴짓만 안 한다면 금방 읽을 수도 있겠다. 이제 구매 필요성 따지면서 편식하지 않아도 되니까 마음껏 장르 불문 가리지 않고 읽을 수 있게 되어 기쁘다.

도서관 근처 카페에서 소금빵을 처음 먹어보았다. 전문 빵집에서 파는 건 먹어보지 않아서 비교하기가 어렵지만 내가 좋아하는 담백 고소한 맛인 듯했다. 커피 무난했고, 오래 있을 것 같아서 두 번째 주문엔 초코 라테를 시켜서 책과 함께 마셨다. 읽었던 책조차 기억나지 않을 것 같으니 달마다 정리해 봐야겠다.

커피와 간식과 책 그리고 고양이. 이보다 더 안락할 수가 있을까.

[keemzi]

*어떻게 지내냐는 물음에 무수한 일들이 머릿속을 스쳐지나갔지만 나는 말했다. 그냥 잘 지냈다고.

무언가 곧장이라도 말하고 싶어 입가에서 우물거렸던 아픈 이야기들을 겨우 삼켜내곤 했다. 말하고 싶어도 말하지 않은 이유는 여느때와 다름없이 똑같은 나로 살고싶기 때문이었던 것 같다. 가끔은 변화가 생긴 내가 참 불안하다.

*그와 헤어진 뒤,

나는 정말 잘 살았다. 잠을 평소 보다 오래잤고, 먹는 것도 전보다 많이 먹었다. 슬픔에 허덕여 술에 잔뜩 취하는 일들은 없었다. 바쁘게 일을 했고, 적당히 사람들을 만나 그에 대한 생각을 조금씩 잊고싶었다. 이전과는 다르게 헤어짐에 불안하지 않았고, 슬프지 않았다. 사랑이 끝난 기분이 아니라 사랑을 정말 했었다는 확신이 들어서 그런 것 같다. 나는 그가 있어 한동안은 마음 한켠이 꽉찬듯 든든 했으니까.

그런 시간을 보내게 해주었던 그에게 고맙다는 생각으로 그렇게 한달이 지났고. 단 한번의 연락을 하지않고서, 그가 어디서 어떻게 지내는지도 모르는 채로 시간은 흘러갔다.

*어제는 집으로 돌아가는 길에 이어폰을 꽂고 랜덤으로 틀어놓은 플레이 리스트에서 그의 목소리가 담긴 녹음이 들려왔다. 그는 내가 알 수 없는 언어로 바쁘게 말을 하고 있었고, 이전에 나는 그게 무슨 뜻인지 전혀 몰랐다면 이제는 그의 말에 몇가지 단어가 들려왔다.

그는 ‘사랑’이라고 말했고, 그는 ‘언제나’ , ‘어디서나’ 라는 말도 했다. 내 이름을 다섯번이나 불렀고 희미한 웃음 소리도 들렸다.

그것을 하염없이 듣는 시간동안 나는 많은 생각을 했다. 기억나지 않고 기억하고 싶지 않다고 부정했던 것들은 그저 슬픔에 빠진 내가 싫어서 괜찮다며 객기를 부리고 있다는 것을 깨달았다.

무언가 사랑했던 대상을 잊는다는 건 거짓말 같다. 잊는다는 것은 다 거짓말이고, 모든 걸 기억하기 때문에 잘 살아간다는 말이 맞는 거 같다. 내가 사랑했던 모든 것을 기억할 수록 잘 살게 되는 것이다.

*그렇게 내가 사랑했던 그도, 나만 기다리던 착한 우리집 개도, 어릴 적 진작 보내주었어야 했었던 k도. 나와 같은 마음이었을까. 그들의 기억 속에 나도 선명하게 남아있었으면 좋겠다. 누구든 떠나는 마음이 불안이 아닌 남은 사랑으로 응원이라는 말을 믿고싶다.

[jerirose]

외로움이라는 단어에 조금씩 무뎌져 [Little by little I become numb to the word loneliness] © Jeri Rose | Ko-Fi | Commissions - OPEN

[doranproject]

"우두커니"

*우두커니

서른의 중반즈음이 되면, 문득 그런 생각이 든다.

남들은 결혼도, 출산도, 육아도 어떻게든 해나가고 있는데 나만 우두커니 남겨지는 건 아닐까.

이사람도 저사람도 선택을 해서 앞으로 나아가고 있을 때, 나는 줄곧 뒤쳐지고 있는 기분이 든다.

마음껏 즐기지 않았던 시간은 딱히 없었다.

그렇지만 후회했던 시간도 조금은 있었던 것 같다.

시간은 가득히 넘치는 줄 알았는데 덧없이 무너지고 있었다.

나는 그대로인 줄 알았는데 부모님은 된통 늙어버린 기분에 묘한 세월이 갑자기 쏟아진다.

방 한 켠에 우두커니 앉아서 그런 생각들을 고르고 있자면 한없이 작아지는 내가 얼마나 우스운지.

나는 제대로 살고 있는 척 하면서도, 어긋나 살아가기도, 또 결국 돌아나가기도 하고 그런 어리숙한 존재로 남는다.

결국엔.

-Ram

*우두커니

'요즘엔'이라는 표현이 조금 무색하긴 하지만, 요즘엔 가만히 앉아 있을 수 없다. 아무 생각 없이 멍 때리고 있었던 적이 언제인지 기억도 나지 않는다. 생각할 거리들이 참 많고, 움직여야 할 일들이 참 많다. 언제 마지막으로 우두커니 있었는지 떠올려보니 혼자 태국에 있었을 때였나. 그때도 손이고, 발이고, 입이고, 눈이고 계속 무언가를 하고 있었던 게 분명했기 때문에 확실하진 않다. 갑자기 떠오른 건 약 18년 전 체육시간. 가만히 있는 건 너무 싫은데, 뭔가를 자유롭게 할 수 없었고, 누군가와 이야기도 마음 놓고 할 수 없어서 반강제적으로 우두커니 스탠드에 서 있던 그 짧은 시간이 내 마음속에 아직까지 크게 남아있다. 일분일초가 한 달, 1년과도 같았던 그 시간들이. 그 이후엔 그런 적이 없었는데, 다시 생각해 보면 내가 우두커니 놓여져 있는 자체를 싫어했었을 지도 모른다. 자꾸 무언가를 만들고, 생각하고, 집중하려 하고, 이야기하려 한다.

-Hee

*우두커니

이른 새벽인데도 이미 날이 조금씩 밝아오고 있었다. 분주하게 움직이는 많은 사람들. 안면이 있는 사람들과 인사를 나누고 체온을 조금 올린 뒤 출발선 뒤로 가서 설 때 긴장감은 희열로 변질된다. 원하는 만큼 몸을 끌어올리지는 못했지만 이전의 노력이나 사정과는 관계없이 나의 현재를 검증받는 시간. 출발선에 서면 늘 부상 없이 완주만 해보자고 다짐하게 되지만 그럼에도 이전의 나보다는 조금 더 잘 해내고 싶다는 욕심이 솟았다.

대회 초반부터 시작된 오르막에서 병목현상으로 사람들이 멈춰 섰다. 초반부터 힘껏 달려나갈 땐 언제고, 이렇게 걸어서 갈 거면 뒤에서 출발해서 여유롭게 가지… 힘들어서 걷고 싶은 것은 마찬가지였으나 기록을 생각하니 울지도 웃지도 못할 상황이었다. 천천히 오르막을 오르던 행렬이 이내 완전히 멈춰 서버렸다. 오늘 오후쯤 지나가게 될 산허리 위로 붉은 해가 뜨고 있었다. 매일 뜨는 일출이 뭐라고 누구랄 것 없이 멈춰 서서 바라볼 일인가 싶었지만 나도 별수 없이 떠오르는 해를 우두커니 바라봤다.

최소한의 집착도 내려두고 나만의 레이스를 하자고 결심하게 되는 순간이었다. 높게 뻗은 나무가 만들어내는 짙은 그늘. 어제 내린 비에 젖은 숲의 냄새. 밀린 숙제를 해치우듯 달려서는 자연도 대회도 무엇도 즐길 수 없을 것이다. 그리고 아마도 노력은 단순한 기록으로만 평가될 수 없을 것이다. 나만의 레이스를 펼치며 체력을 완전히 소모한 뒤에는 다른 종류의 에너지들을 내 안에 한가득 채워올 수 있을 것 같은 기분이었다.

-Ho

*우두커니

우두커니 서있었 적이 언젠가? 요즘은 어디든 종종걸음으로 바쁘게 다녀서 멍 때릴 시간도 없는 것 같다.

잠깐도 밖에 서있기 힘든 여름이 온다. 이번 여름은 서핑을 배우고 싶고, 바다에 많이 가고 싶고, 뱃살을 조금이라도 빼고 싶고, 책을 3권정도는 읽고 싶고, 요가를 다시 시작하고 싶다.

-인이

[humans-of-seoul]

“(오른쪽) 처음 만난 날은 제가 가식 좀 떨었어요. 소개팅 자리였는데, 밥도 엄청 조금씩 먹고, 머리 자꾸 귀 뒤로 넘기고요. 제가 원래 안 그러는데 그날따라 그러더라고요.” “(왼쪽) 그게 웃기고 귀여웠어요. 사실 이 사람이 차분한 스타일이 아니라는 건 그 자리에서 금방 눈치 챘거든요. 전 오히려 좋던데요?” “(Right) I acted a bit pretentious when we first met. It was a blind date, and I barely picked at my food and kept tucking my hair behind my ear. I’m not normally like that but that’s how I acted that day.” “(Left) It was funny and cute. Honestly I picked up right there that she wasn’t the laid back type. But I actually liked it?”