#☾→Ariana: speaks

[ericscroptop]

Don’t Wanna Break Up Again

✧ pairing: bf! sunwoo x gf! reader

✦ genre: angst

✧ warnings: angst, kinda toxic relationship vibes, maybe some miscommunication going on, insecure reader but kinda valid, brief mentions of past relationship trauma, lots of tears, just the not-so-perfect parts about a relationship, cursing, kissing, making out, and suggestive towards the end

✦ word count: 1.9k words

✧ synopsis: you both know that you each are bringing pain to one other in this relationship. yet, you two can’t seem to let go despite the challenges.

✦ note: i had to write a drabble based off this song, even though it hurts— it’s so freaking good; i love ariana sm. eternal sunshine broke me and revived me simultaneously.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ͙⁺˚*･

Being held hostage to your tears was common for you these days.

The sounds coming from the tv in the background are drowned out by your worrisome thoughts that eat away your mind, especially during nightfall.

It was difficult to fall asleep when your mind raced in thinking on loop of how flirtatious your boyfriend was. It’s actually funny how that kills you now, because his charm and inviting form is what drew you to him in the first place.

Sunwoo was too kind for his own good. I guess you can’t blame him for being such a smooth talker and for the way he looks. Girls are bound to be drawn to him.

I mean, you don’t really expect him to push every girl in existence out of his way and tell them to ‘fuck off’ when they ask if he’s single, were too kittenish when speaking to him, or stare at him a little too long, do you?

It shouldn’t bother you when he has ‘guys night’ and goes out to the lounge bar with his friend group almost every other weekend.

That place he frequents is mainly filled with people looking for hookups and a scandalous night of fun. Even if he was with his friends— who are mostly all single and not committed, mind you— left a sour taste present in your mouth and it felt nauseating to you every time he would go there.

You two had a private relationship. Though, it wasn’t a secret that you guys were in a relationship at all. It was more so filled with quiet dinners together, laid back activities, and not shoving your relationship in everyone’s faces on social media— especially coming from him.

You weren’t trying to prove to anyone that you two were in love. You actually preferred that so you didn’t make your relationship your entire personality.

And you honestly didn’t care whether you spent the entire day in bed cuddling lazily with Sunwoo, or if he decided to take you to the most lavish restaurant in town.

As long as Sunwoo was by your side, you couldn’t care less what you did with him. His presence alone was enough to satisfy your heart.

But your anxieties and trauma from past relationships always kept coming back to haunt you. Your head was a sick place to live in.

You didn’t want to be an overbearing girlfriend. At the end of the day, you two were each your own person, and there had to be a level of trust in this relationship.

Sunwoo knew about your past, as you opened up to him about shit you’ve dealt with.

He did his best to instantly reassure you that your past doesn’t define your future, and that he’d do his best to love you with all his being and be there for you in all aspects.

But you couldn’t contain that compressed feeling in your chest whenever he would go out to the lounge and always spent the night at one of his friend’s supposedly afterwards.

Or when you’ve seen him be a little too playful towards his female coworkers when you drop by his place of work every so often to deliver his lunch.

Or how you feel ignored and alone when you try to bring these feelings up to him. You really wanted to refrain from seeming like a toxic girlfriend. Overanalyzing and overthinking his every move and interaction.

But it was so fucking hard not to. Your painful emotions and negative beliefs stemming from past trauma seem to resurface.

Maybe you should learn to be a bit more trusting. Sunwoo isn’t like your exes.

But what if he is?

You should try to communicate with him more. But you feel like it’s an endless conversation because you have so much baggage.

You don’t think Sunwoo could rid of his natural flirtatiousness just for you, or avoid his friends.

He honestly doesn’t know what to do anymore. He’s reassured you one, two many times and he honestly doesn’t like being nagged at or seeing you lose your mind like this.

Maybe you could use time apart. And maybe he could learn to be a little less selfish and take into more consideration your feelings about his actions.

But he doesn’t.

Your throat feels tight and dry, feeling like you’re being swallowed whole from the negative thoughts that consume you.

It’s one of those nights where you feel the relationship anxiety is too much to handle.

You’re already in bed with Sunwoo. His mind is focused on the tv that’s playing, and your back is facing his body, curled up distantly in the corner under the covers with eyes staring into nothing.

You don’t even realize when you start crying. Hot tears pool your eyes and begin to fall out. Your breath shakes quietly and you can’t help but stir under the covers as you let your emotions get the best of you once again.

This is so common in the relationship at this point, almost like a routine. Sunwoo knows you have your moments like this and he never knows what to do anymore.

All he can bring himself to do is turn up the volume on the tv a bit, trying his best to ignore the way his heart pings at hearing your shaky breathing and quiet weeping.

Another sleepless night.

———————————————————————————

When you wake the next morning, you feel the familiar front-form of Sunwoo’s body against your back, spooning you. His arms were wrapped around your stomach, holding your body securely against his own,

You honestly aren’t surprised that you ended up like this. No matter how upset, pissed, or alone you felt, you still managed to end up in his arms at some point throughout your sleep when you shared a bed together.

His soft snores fill your ears in the silent morning to greet you upon your wake.

Your eyes begin to water from the feeling of his embrace, tears once again falling down your cheeks.

Your hands that were resting next to your head go to wipe away your tears, but Sunwoo begins to stir at the feeling of your movement.

You bite your lip, hoping he doesn’t catch you crying again. You know he hears you when you cry occasionally at night, having grown familiar to it by now. But you crying in the morning before even having breakfast would be a bit ridiculous.

A moan leaves his throat at his sudden wake, and he stretches his legs for a couple seconds before craning his head to look at you.

Your hands covered your face in attempt to shield your current state, but he saw a tear fall down your chin.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Sunwoo sighs deeply, face softening while his hands go to reach for your own, pulling them down to reveal your face in full.

Your teary eyes meet his face, boring into his own eyes. Your mouth stayed tight while more tears came out, burning down your skin and falling onto your shirt as you meet his gaze.

You honestly didn’t know why you were crying now. Maybe cause’ he’s dealt with all your baggage and it seems like it’s a never-ending cycle of unpacking it. You’re putting him through a lot and he still is always right by your side.

You don’t want to drag this shit out any longer. You’re tired of fucking with his head and it’s breaking your heart to keep breaking his again.

Your insecurities, anxieties, and fucked up head are trying to ruin another relationship of yours. Are your feelings even valid? Should you still have these toxic feelings even after Sunwoo reassures you and still shows that he loves you?

You can’t do anything except roll over to where you’re now facing him, and burry yourself into his chest. Tears continue to fall, and you’re whimpering again, causing Sunwoo’s heart to crack and his own eyes start to get blurry from tears welding up.

“I’m sorry.” you apologized to him. For your constant breakdowns and getting in your head too much. You knew it was too much.

“I’m sorry, too.” his voice comes out shaky.

He kisses the top of your head as you nuzzle further into his arms. Sunwoo tries to blink away his tears but they’re starting to flood in his eyes. He doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for.

For ignoring you and giving you space even though he probably shouldn’t have.

For playing with your feelings like an idiot when he goes out, and leaving you on delivered for hours.

For coming across as too friendly when he speaks to other girls, whether on purpose or not— who fucking knows.

And maybe you’d rather not know for sure.

You give yourself strength to pull away from his embrace, looking up at his own watery eyes that mirrored your own in holding so much weight and tiredness.

Without speaking further, your pupils trails down to his swollen lips from sleep. They dilate, in becoming entranced by how beautiful your boyfriend is, even when he looked exhausted.

You want nothing more than to just kiss him right now. To escape your heavy thoughts with the feeling of his lips against your own. Even if it’s just for a moment.

Your boyfriend doesn’t even have to hear you verbally express what you want, as he already knows what you want after every overwhelming night.

Your fingers combed through his messy black hair, fixing his bangs across his forehead and then going to rest on his nape.

He hums at the feeling, and leans into your face, enveloping his lips with your own. Each of your lips are soft, yet chapped and plump from sleeping.

Your fingers clutch his strands of hair gently, as the kissing develops into making out. You two go from laying on each of your sides, facing one another, to Sunwoo laying on his back with you straddling his lap.

The kisses grow more hungry and full of lust. Sunwoo is craving for your body to rest and dance against his own under the sheets. He nips at your bottom lip and lets his wet tongue in when you part your mouth.

Kisses become sloppy when his dominant hand slips its way under your (his) t-shirt, fingers grazing over the flesh of your tummy. His fingers reach up to the underside of your breasts, causing you to mewl and unconsciously grind down over his crotch.

You lose yourself under Sunwoo’s mind-numbing touches and continue to kiss him ferociously.

Your nails dig into his scalp and his other hand moves to cup your ass. He begins to grow hard at the feeling of your ass cheeks through your boy shorts. Fingers also dance over your exposed legs and rub your skin soothingly.

You could never refuse Sunwoo’s touches. Your body stuck to him immediately like glue, whether you were happy with him or not. He made your mind go crazy, both in good and bad ways.

You didn’t want another relationship of yours to fall apart. You refused to break up again. You didn’t want to break up with him. You loved him. Though, loving was never easy.

Utter ecstasy courses your body when you guys intertwine and succumb together like this.

You love when he kisses and cuddles and fucks you so good that you forget all the bullshit that lives in your head rent free, and all the negativity that comes with your relationship.

If one day, things between you two end up crashing and burning, you hope he’d never regret you and think fondly of what you two had.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ͙⁺˚*･

[dreamtodare]

𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐌:

𝙵𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚂𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝙼𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚌 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙵𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Life can feel like a storm sometimes, especially when things aren't going well. Lately, I've found myself navigating through such a storm, grappling with the challenges of unemployment and the weight of uncertainty. Each day feels like a battle against the raging elements, as I struggle to keep my head above water and find solid ground amidst the tumultuous seas.

The search for a job has been particularly challenging, a relentless storm cloud casting a shadow over my days. Rejections and setbacks loom like thunderclouds on the horizon, each one chipping away at my resolve and leaving me feeling adrift in a sea of doubt. It's a lonely journey, fraught with uncertainty and fear of what lies ahead.

But amidst the chaos and despair, there shines a beacon of hope—a ray of sunshine cutting through the storm clouds. My little niece, with her infectious laughter and boundless energy, has become my guiding light in the darkness. In her innocent joy, I find solace and strength, a reminder that even in the darkest of times, there is still light to be found.

And then there is music—the lifeboat that keeps me afloat amidst the crashing waves. The melodies of Taylor Swift, Lana Del Rey, Olivia Rodrigo, Ariana Grande, Troye Sivan, and EXO Chen serve as my lifeline, offering refuge from the storm raging within. Their songs speak to the depths of my soul, resonating with the emotions I struggle to put into words. Each note is a liferaft, carrying me away from the chaos and into a world where I can find peace and solace.

Taylor Swift's lyrics soothe my weary heart, offering comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone in my struggles. Lana Del Rey's ethereal melodies transport me to a place of serenity, where the weight of the world fades away. Olivia Rodrigo's raw emotion speaks to the pain and heartache I feel, validating my experiences in a way that only music can. Ariana Grande's empowering anthems lift my spirits, reminding me of the strength that lies within me. Troye Sivan's haunting ballads capture the bittersweet beauty of life, offering a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness. And EXO Chen's soulful voice touches my soul, filling me with a sense of calm and tranquility.

In the midst of this storm, I am grateful for the refuge I find in music and family. They are my anchors, keeping me grounded as I weather the tempest of life. And though the journey may be long and fraught with challenges, I know that as long as I have my niece's laughter and the melodies of my favorite artists, I can face whatever storms may come my way.