#“aww poor baby.” like no... please don't infantalize him

[fatuismooches]

It may be baby fever (I shouldn't be having this I am turning TWENTY this year I don't need a CHILD 😭)

But like... Dottore holding baby. Hims with... tiny infant.

Or alternatively, Akademiya days where Zandik is working in the clinic and got an unexpectedly young patient - a baby. Cut to him just awkwardly standing there with a baby in his arms, just cradling it as his mind scrambles.

The supervisor had recommended him as a 'competent dastur-trainee' thus someone had dumped their child on him going: "Please help her—"

And he's just standing there, going:

"Wait, what—"

To no one's surprise, working in a clinic was not Zandik's first choice. He wasn't the most interested in medicine at this time, (at least not... this kind of medicine), and he'd much rather be sent out on expeditions instead. But of course, the Akademiya and their stupid policies always got in the way, making their students get a taste of things outside their Darshan. Though, as soon as you heard of this, you immediately signed up to join him. He wasn't sure if your company was a good or bad thing, considering how you teased him on the job. The work wasn't too hard, just boring if you asked him. You were always the one who comforted the patients though, that wasn't really his expertise, for obvious reasons.

However, the young scholar certainly wasn't expecting... this. It had happened before he had even processed it, the baby thrust into his arms before he could even open his mouth. Now obviously, kids and Zandik are just two things that didn't mix, he did not like them or like being around them, especially when it's a weeping baby. He's at a loss, a bit annoyed that this responsibility was just pushed onto him, and uneasy at the sensation, completely stiff and awkward. He was a smart man, but this... yeah, no.

"Oh Zandik, if you keep scowling like that, it's no wonder the poor kid is going to keep crying," you cooed from behind him. "Here, give me her." Without protest, he let you scoop the baby from his arms, soothingly rubbing her back as you took her somewhere quieter. Quite soon, you had the baby much more quieter. Needless to say, Zandik was impressed. These kinds of things took a talent and patience he simply didn't have. But then you smiled and nudged your lover, ushering the baby into his arms again.

"This is your patient, Zandik. You have to be the one to take care of her, no?" You couldn't help but giggle as he clicked his teeth, although it was much more bearable as the kid was more at ease now. And then for a moment, you took the time to burn the image into your mind, the baby snuggling right into his neck as he looked away, annoyed, despite the blush on his cheeks.

"Aww, don't be like that. You'd make a good father. I'd help you!" With a kiss on his cheek, you were off to find an actual doctor.

"... What?"

[spindlebeforesunset]

Baby Scenario = Epel and Jack

Nobody noticed they were missing from classes until at almost lunchtime Deuce was like hold up, are they sick or something.

Word traveled fast that Jack could have been sick and it managed to reach Leona, so he went to give his junior a talking down. Vil saw the uncarved apples on the lunch table so he goes back to Pomefiore to check on Epel.

At Savanaclaw, a scrawny baby Jack almost falls off the stairs if Leona did not think fast enough to catch him. All what Leona can think of is that he's stuck in a fever dream.

At Pomefiore, Epel has eaten up all his secret snacks and has made a mess on his baby-sized uniform and blanket. Vil is not pleased.

Both dorm leaders meet at the Mirror Hall and are promptly confused when they see each other holding a baby version of their dormmate.

Vil: Jack too?

Leona: Why does yours look like he came from a bloodbath?

Vil: He kept a stash of snacks the whole time in his room! And Jack looks half-dead, what are you? Feed him!

They enter the cafeteria and are greeted with "aww, they look so squishy!"

Leona and Vil: Don't touch the child.

But nobody questions them when they pick up food until the next happened.

Rook nearly collapsed when he saw Vil giving a baby Epel some orange juice to drink. Ruggie lost his shit because Leona was actually trying to feed a baby Jack a fried chicken leg.

Rook: Roi de Poison? What are you doing to the infante? Have mercy!

Ruggie: Leona, what the hell, don't shove that in his mouth!

Leona and Vil : Wait, you're not supposed to do that?

Cue 'what the fuck is wrong with you' looks across the cafeteria. Jamil has facepalmed so hard he knocked himself unconscious and Kalim has to get some people to help. Lilia and Malleus have left the room with Silver in tow. Azul just shakes his head, feeling pity for the unfortunate babies. Trey has to be the one to give them milk.

Epel does not like the milk and spills it on the table to Vil's disgust. Jack on the other hand chugs it all down with an amused Leona. When baby Epel saw Jack chugging the milk, he crawled over to him when Vil was wiping off the mess, and to everyone's shock, he slapped the (empty) plastic cup on Jack's head with a resounding wham!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Leona has to cradle a crying Jack in one arm and block a laughing Epel with the other. "Can you get your little shit please."

Vil: Epel, that's bad!

Epel: Hahahahahaha!

Riddle: Wow, that's one evil baby (promptly backs away from the shared table)

"Epel, you don't do that to others," Vil scolds the still laughing baby. "No, you do not do that," he keeps Epel an arm away because the latter is trying to scratch him. "Stop that!"

Before anyone can even stop him, Vil slaps Epel's baby hands away from him. The expected result happens and the baby sobs.

Leona: The hell was that!

Vil: Kingscholar, that's called discipline!

Leona: The fuck-

Crowley: Why did you two not tell me that this happened again! And two at once!

Baby Jack is scared of Headmaster Crowley and burrows himself in Leona's waistcoat. Baby Epel (feeling betrayed by Vil) crawls over to the Headmaster who scoops him up in his arms and starts to soothe him.

"Crewel will be out this afternoon Schoenheit, so the antidote will be left solely to you."

Hold the fuck up.

"But, Headmaster, what about that one?"

"He's better off with me than you I presume, Schoenheit."

"Oof," Rook says.

"Jack as well."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Headmaster, with all due respect," Vil begins.

"Jack does not like you," finishes Leona. "You don't want to go to him do you, little wolf?"

Baby Jack just clings to Leona in protest but Epel (the little shit) is just laughing at him. Headmaster Crowley is having second thoughts about baby Epel but oh well. Leona is pretty much stuck with Jack, so he takes a tray full of baby-friendly food that Jade had been preparing and follows Vil.

"Aren't you going to say 'bye', Epel?" Floyd asks.

Ortho gets Epel's arm and makes it wave.

Ruggie follows Leona because he just has a feeling that the latter would do something stupid like fall asleep and leave Jack to crawl around.

Back at Pomefiore, Vil is readying the antidote and demands no interruption from Leona who followed him with a sleepy Jack and Ruggie who followed Leona.

In the Headmaster's office, Epel is happily sleeping in an apple crate cushioned by a blanket. Sam pops in regarding some deliveries and almost trips because it is literally in the absolute centre of the room. Epel wakes up momentarily before sleeping again.

Vil is boiling the brew in a cauldron, takes one moment to look up, and just sees Leona snoring on the floor, a sleeping Jack, and a pissed off Ruggie cradling the baby.

Ruggie: He's hopeless.

Vil: You don't say.

Ruggie is internally thinking Vil is a hypocrite because he's not even taking care of the baby Epel, but reasons with himself that he is the one making the antidote after all. Also, the baby friendly food is dwindling because Ruggie is eating some of it.

When Epel wakes up at late afternoon, he topples over his crate and is trapped. Crowley is nowhere to be seen, he's out walking. Ace and Deuce are looking for the Headmaster because they were called to and hear wailing in the office.

They rope a passing Rook to unlock the door and find the crate moving.

Deuce: WHY IS A BABY IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

Rook gets Epel out, Ace writes a note saying they took Epel, and the trio head out.

They meet Cater taking selfies and the first thing he notices is a still teary Epel.

Cater: Why is he crying?

Deuce: Why was he in solitary confinement?

Ace: Why was he left with the Headmaster?

Rook: Why did it have to be him into a baby, now shut up we need to get to Roi de Poison.

Cater spreads the tidbit of Epel in confinement at the office and when the trio are at the Pomefiore lounge, the news had reached half the school. At the dungeons, they see that its a mess. Jack does not want to eat the soup that Ruggie and Leona are trying to feed him. Epel sees Vil, and shrieks, mama!

Vil: If you were my child, you would be better behaved.

Everyone else: B r u h.

At least Vil is almost done with the potion. Epel is placed on the floor but Vil freaks and tells Rook to carry him instead.

Leona: Wow, you do care.

Vil: Do you?

Baby Jack crawls near Vil's leg and he accidentally steps on the baby's hand with his fucking heels. Jack screams WAAAAAAAAA, Vil is apologizing and panicking, Leona is yelling at Vil, dummy duo and Ruggie are freaking over the potion because it is spilling, and Cater and Rook are just helplessly handing Epel more snacks. Leona grabs baby Jack and tries to comfort him while glaring daggers at Vil whose hair is starting to look less composed.

The potion is finished half an hour of stirring later. But the babies do not want to drink it - Epel is full from all his snacks, and Jack is too upset to eat. So everyone is hivemind (except Vil for Epel) in one solution: play with both babies in the hope that one throws up, and the other to cheer up.

Vil and Rook are left with Epel while the others play with Jack. Vil shakes Epel a bit, but the latter is only dazed. Rook then takes Epel again and starts to shake him like a maraca. Naturally, everyone is horrified. And even more horrifying is Crowley screaming at them because THE POOR BABY.

Epel is already in tears, yet nobody sees he's turning green until Leona yells at them. Jack slaps Leona for yelling too loud next to him and he shuts up. Epel throws up in a bucket. This time, Jack laughs at him.

After Vil roughly wipes Epel's face, he forces him to chug the antidote down. Jack turns away from the potion at first, but when Cater, Deuce, Ace, Ruggie, and Leona keep him still, Headmaster Crowley can pour the antidote down. Vil pats Epel so he can sleep, but the dummy duo demand to Crowley why the baby was all alone in the office.

Crowley: I only left for a few moments!

Rook: Then why was he underneath an apple crate?

Crowley: What? H-h-he must have made it fall over!

Leona, internally: Bullshit.

Leona and Ruggie take Jack back to Savanaclaw for proper rest. Leona yeets all his blankets and pillows so that Jack can sleep comfortably and hesitantly sings a lullaby so the wolf cub can sleep.

Vil carries a very miffed Epel back to the latter's room and orders Rook to clean up the snack trash. Baby boy is too clingy but Vil huffs and accepts his role as mom and pats Epel to sleep.

The rest cart out after helping out by cleaning.

Crowley has to face a barrage of questions from both students and staff alike as to Epel's treatment up to the next day.

When the two babies are back to their regular form, they both freak and send their respective dorm heads flying across the room as they too had fallen asleep.

Leona and Vil: After all I've done for you-