#“LOOK HOW WHITE HIS MOM IS!” yeah well she isnt supposed to be

[heroesvow]

until jesse williams gets his ass in a period piece or i find another biracial actor to use, i will continue to use this man as alistair all while being iconless lol

[syncrovoid-presents]

Researching for my hazbin fic (A Cannibal's Guide on Living Comfortably) has also made me realize that my adoptive family (and me in relation to my birth family) actually suffer from cultural loss. And this ties to my adoptive family being half french like Alastor.

This is sort of a personal ramble about my experiences and how it relates to cultural loss. Just thoughts I've been having that's making me rethink a lot of things from my life.

(Technically I'm not but that's a whole other thing. I was found as a kid and never allowed to learn about my birth family or heritage so yeah. I'm just whatever people say I am. Means I have double the cultural loss, both from the people that raised me and my own! Yippee! <- sarcastic)

Both my parents are half french and grew up in small communities where there was very very high English vs French tensions. Both of my parents parent's decided that it would be best to give their children the easiest life they could so they raised them as English as possible.

They weren't allowed to learn french and were punished if they tried (both by family and the community. It was a lot worse where my mother grew up), and weren't allowed to continue any traditions, songs, or anything culturally French. Assimilation was the best chance at a future, but meant that they lost all ties to culture that wasn't acceptably English/colonial.

They were born a long time ago, so this was during the era of corporal punishment in school, my mother wasn't allowed to wear pants, my father was punished repeatedly for using his left hand, etc. They were also forced into churches because that's what The Good English Do, even though neither are religious now nor would they have been forced to if the hatred against the french hadn't been so strong.

The small town my mom grew up in had a segregated neighbourhood for the french, and her family fought to cut all ties. Her mother was french but was forced to only speak English and cut all ties to her family.

I don't know as much for my father, but it was his father that refused to teach or share anything French because of the hardships he went through growing up (he also ran away and lied about his age to fight in the war too young, so he likely faced heavy trauma too)

While neither of my parents are half english, they were able to pass as english at the expense of their cultural identity and connection to their family. I've spoken to my mother about it and she says white culture is genocide, but I don't know if she realizes how it hurt her too (not to say the french did nothing wrong. They were colonialists and took part in genocide as well)

It's weird to realize. I was put in french immersion and while my french isn't great, I've realized that my parents did that to give me the only opportunity I could have to learn about their lost culture. They learned a bit from me and would use french words and sometimes share translation quirks their parents had caused by learning english after french.

I grew up thinking that because I don't know anyone I'm related to that i had no culture. I've realized that part of the reason it feels that way is because anything non-English was forced out of people. The more you could pass as english the heavier the assimilation is. To join the oppressors is to sacrifice culture, history, and family, but that's a choice both my parents parent's made and it's one we all struggle with.

As far as I go, I don't know my precise ancestry, but I do know my birth grandparents fled from a country that was dealing with fighting for independence and a highly struggling economy. I'm not supposed to know that or know anything more, but from what I can guess and based on what people have said I look like (closest thing I got) my ancestors dealt with fighting against being colonized for centuries, their culture and history actively being destroyed and demonized, and the language borderline dead because of it (isnt the british imperialism great? <- sarcasm). A bit over a century ago it would have been the cause of much prejudice and hatred, but like my adoptive parents parent's they traded culture for assimilation.

It's.... weird. There's not much I can change nor not much I can do with this information movie forwards. It has helped me connect my experiences more with that of cultural loss, especially those felt by others who don't know any birth family. Because I pass as white (I do not know my genetics, so I'd rather say that than call myself white. Especially because what ancestry I do know I have weren't historically called white and faced discrimination by white folks) I previously thought these experiences could not apply to me.

As a side note, I do hold the belief that orphans like me, or others that lacked any family for much of their lives are part of a "hidden" minority. I faced a lot of extra difficulties, social pushback, and was treated worse than my peers because I am an orphan, as did different foster siblings I had over the years. Adoption means either never speaking about my life to pass as "normal" or speak about it and face the consequences. Every person's experiences are different when it comes to this, but it really changed the expectations adults had on me and forced me to be more mature, resilient, perfectionistic and less reactive to my peers. The expectation was if you acted bad you didn't appreciate having a home and therefore didn't deserve it. What others kids could get away with can be what loses your home when you grow up an orphan.

Anywho, circling back to my fic I'll be adding some elements of my experiences in there too. Not as the main focus, mind you, but some of the struggles of adapting/assimilating to the majority to avoid discrimination will be present (as well as some French (more focused on Creole French history. It was something a few of my french teachers focused a lot on) ). Just background info, I'm as of yet undecided on how much of a character study it will all be, but if it does go into it more then these themes will be present

[antiloreolympus]

8 Anti LO Asks

1. Nah but i agree tho, hermes and persephone in lo just have more chemistry and actual history/compatibility that she just doesnt have with hades, and the same can be said with hades and hera. its just wild the whole point of the comic is supposed to be about hxp and yet theyre so boring//illogical meanwhile decent writing goes into them being with other people.

2. LO is supposed to have modern values, yet the gods, or at least hades, are authoritarians? like the denizens of the underworld do not like him, so they have every right to question persephone and see if shes actually going to be a good queen to maybe make their lives better and not just someone to aide in hades' abuses of powers, and it's pointing towards the latter. how is this "progressive' if it promotes absolute monarchs are allowed to do whatever they want and face no consequences for it?

3. so much of what could have been interesting design symbolism is just gone. persephone and hades were dressed in white and black to look like a bride and groom? now every guy wears a black suit and the women all wear white, no matter the relationship. the red eyes are to symbolize persephone's inner darkness and feelings? theyre just slapped on at random now. her hair length lost all meaning. persephone isnt even a unique color anymore. any thought that was once there is just gone now.

4. good lord the person who interviewed rachel for that fancast is kissing her ass hard, arent they? people have been fancasting their stuff for years now, even when it's just for themselves, she's hardly the first or most important person to do so, esp when it comes with some, ahem, rather racist undertones. why are most if not the only people of color the villains or hypersexual compared to the pale and pure persephone? rachel please check your internalized biases here for a second, please.

5. Maybe it's unwarrented, but the non-greek names of some of the nymphs pisses me off to no end, and I'm not even Greek. They feel so out of place! Why does EVERYTHING have to be Americanized?!?!

6. the flying stuff persephone does also is such a dumb cop out? like one of the most iconic things in myth is the chariots and their animals, including demeter having flying snakes. plus shes not even unique in it either? like hermes flies, so does zeus and hades and im sure basically everyone else, so who cares? how is it a big deal if persephone does it? doesnt that also just make the powers of the gods less unqiue? like so whats so special about hermes then?

7. does anyone know why hxps first meeting was retconned tho? bc them meeting with cerberus is still something webtoons clings to advertise it yet thats not canon anymore bc they met way earlier with persephone being naked, him drunk, and her possibly being underage at the time too?? like theres so many dumb writing choices in this series but retconning the one iconic part in nearly 4 years of publishing for a creepy new version that just makes the series more confusing is so??? why???

8. Okay the shading on Persephones outfit with her pink skin tone makes the outfit look pink as Well.

Also lmao Hades outfit makes him look like a military dictator not a king. The tassels on the coat make it seem like hes going to war not to court.... Well I guess he is sorta declaring war on Zeus by not backing him and protecting Persephone - whos currently a "traitor to the triarchy".

(Also why is Persephone so Tiny next to him?? I can't be the only one who thinks she looks like a child?? Or young teen and not a young woman?)

Whyre people getting mad at Demeter? Shes a mom. She was worried about Persephone. And yeah, maybe the questions arent the "most pressing" but if I was Demeter I too would be wondering where my (basically) teen daughter was staying (with a friend or 40 yr old man who you barely know).

And considering Demeters insistence on whether Perse was with Hecate makes me think Hecate lied to Demeter - so shes likely covering Hades and Kore's asses because she knows its creepy and that if Demeter knew the truth she would (rightfully) freak out. (And I would also be concerned with why the underworld staff are referring to my daughter who I haven't seen in weeks as "my lady" and (I know she didnt hear this, but) why the king of the underworld is referring to Perse as "his wife" even mistakenly).

[bridgyrose]

“Wait, you’re serious?” Ruby smiled a bit after finding out about Penny. “I thought I was going to be alone.”

Penny nodded nervously. “Normally I’d keep it a secret, but since you’re here anyway, its not like I can hide it.” 

“Dont worry, your secret’s safe with me.” 

“Thank you.” Penny sat down as she waited for her own appointment. “You’re going into robotics, right?” 

“Yeah.” Ruby started pulling her notepad out of her bag. “I’ve made a few rough sketches… well.. I guess sketches are a bit kind to call it. More like poked holes in the paper to make an outlined design.” 

Penny smiled and took the notepad to look at them before feeling where the holes were. “You know you could probably find something that’s easier to use for drafting your sketches.” 

“Normally I’d just use the voice input of a computer, but mine had a slight mishap with a fish tank a couple weeks ago.” 

“Well, if you need a new one, I’m sure we can get the school to provide one for you. And I’m sure Weiss-” 

Ruby frowned a little. “Weiss?” 

“Yeah. Her uncle is the headmaster. She could convince him to allow you a replacement laptop if it’s easier.” 

“I can do things on my own. I dont need help.” 

Penny watched as Ruby put her notepad away. “Right. That’s what the schools are supposed to do though, right? Help the Veiled as they need by offering guides, equipment, and programs to find a soulmate.” 

Ruby sighed. “Maybe I dont want the help and maybe I dont want to find my soulmate.” 

“But what if your soulmate wants to find you?” 

Ruby looked at Penny for a moment, hesitating. “Why do you care?” 

Penny shrugged. “Just a question.” 

Ruby sighed and grabbed her pack, digging through it again, still trying to keep up the lie that she couldnt see while around Penny. “Sorry, I guess I’m just a little on edge about things. Apparently Weiss is my soulmate. I wasnt exactly fond of the fact that she continued to try to push it.” 

“I guess that’s understandable. Although, I’m sure she just wants you to be happy.” 

“And I’m happy being by myself. Hell, the only reason I’m here is because my mom wants me to find my soulmate. Now that I have, I just want to spend the rest of my schooling by myself so I can focus on my classes.” 

Penny nodded a bit as she listened to Ruby. “You could always give her a chance though. Weiss just means well.” 

“You’ve… you’ve talked to Weiss about all of this before, havent you?” 

Penny hesitated for a moment as she realized what she said. “W-well… I mean, I’m just guessing-” 

Ruby pulled her white cane out of her bag and started walking off. “I’ll just reschedule my appointment. If all you’re going to do is try to convince me to go with her, I’m done here.” 

Penny sighed as she watched Ruby walk off, feeling a bit disappointed in herself. “There you go Pen, making things worse…”

Ruby grumbled a bit to herself as her vision started fading again. She quickly pulled out her scroll and started putting the school’s address back into it, making sure to put the sound up so she could hear the directions. “Great… I have two soulmates and both of them keep being weird about it…” She sighed as she heard her scroll start to ring once more. She looked at the name just as her vision faded, smiling a bit as she answered. “Jaune. Long time no talk.” 

“Hey Rubes, how’s everything going in Atlas?” asked Jaune. 

“Things… arent going so great.” 

“Want to talk about it?” 

“I...I dont even know where to start.” Ruby sighed and used her cane to find a bench so she could sit down and talk. “I get why my mom wanted me to come here but… I’m not so sure it’s the right choice.” 

“Dont worry, I’m sure things will start looking up for you soon.” Jaune smiled a bit. “We all miss you. Things arent quite the same without our little goofball to keep things sane.” 

Ruby chuckled a little bit at the thought of Jaune missing her. “Is Nora not keeping you busy enough?” 

“...right… you havent heard.” 

“Heard what?” 

Jaune sighed. “Nora and Ren moved back to Mistral.”

“Oh… When did that happen?” 

“The beginning of the school year.” 

“Oh. So I guess you’re alone then…” 

“Not completely. I did meet Pyrrha the other day.” Jaune’s voice started to sound a bit flustered as he thought about her. “I cant believe I finally met my soulmate. What about you? Figured out who yours is?” 

Ruby rolled her eyes a bit. “Unfortunately.” 

“So, what are you going to do about it?” 

“I’m… I’m not sure. They both seem to be acting weird about the whole soulmate thing and… I dont know, maybe Yang is right and this is all a phase and everything will finally click with me.” 

“Look, Rubes, you are who you are. Who cares if everyone else thinks it’s a phase? I mean, your family isnt exactly reliable on figuring out who you are. I know they all finally came around to you being trans, and they’ll come around to you not wanting to be in a relationship. Let them think it’s a phase until they realize that it’s really you. Then they’ll have to accept it. But you’re going to have to explain more on this “both soulmates” thing. You have two of them?” 

Ruby nodded. “Yeah, I do. Although, I’m not sure one of them realizes it yet.” 

Jaune paused for a moment. “Why not tell me what you know about them? You know, just to get things out in the air.” 

“Is that the real reason?” 

“Alright, maybe I’m a little interested in seeing who could possibly end up literally bringing sight to your world.” 

Ruby smiled a bit. “How about I get back to my dorm, and then I can tell you all about them.” 

“That’s more like the Ruby I know.” Jaune kicked back in his chair, leaning it as far as he could. “And then the real gossip can begin.” 

“Only if you tell me about this Pyrrha girl.” 

“Deal.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weiss slumped onto her desk. “Well, we royally screwed that one up.” 

Penny hugged Weiss from behind. “It’s not the end of the world. We can still try to get to know her.” 

“You said she doesnt want to do anything with soulmates. Which means, she wants nothing to do with me.” 

“Maybe you could go talk to her and apologize.” 

Weiss sighed and sat up a bit. “Right… apologize. That’s… that’s not going to fix this.” 

“But it’s a start,” Penny replied. She pulled away from Weiss for a moment, smiling at her. “It might not fix anything, but it’ll at least let her know that you want to try to figure things out. She might not want to do anything about soulmates right now, but that doesnt mean we can just be her friends.” 

Weiss nodded, listening to everything Penny was saying. “Okay, you have a bit of a point. I’ll go talk to her tomorrow after classes end and start apologizing.” 

Penny kissed her. “Everything will work out for you.” 

“I know. I’m just worried I’ll be rejected.” 

“So what if you are? You still have me.”

Weiss smiled and pressed into Penny. “You’re right. I still have you.” 

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

[tomdiddlyumptious]

A.R| Just Cry Already

Summary: ITZ CURCH OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT

warning: language, uhhhm idk what else- racism as usual- however you spell that?...

A/n: IF YOU READ THE REPLY I MADE UU KNOW WHY I WAS GONE! Luv you 😘 unedited as usual- my writing sucks AS USUAL

Chapters -> one ✨ two 🤠 three ✨ four 🤠 five

While your dad wore green your mom wore yellow, your brother wore black and so did you, a solid black dress thats off the shoulders and black flats, your brother throwing on a black dress shirt and some pants, some shiny combat boots and his hair combed out and fluffy, thanks to your help.

You wore some clip on earrings and wore a afro with a side part, your moms hair in a pixie cut, a yellow and white polka dot dress and some white wedges, a nice necklace while your dad wore whatever, black pants and a white shirt with some classy church shoes.

“I cant believe that dads actually doin this to us” cloud sighs as your cleaning his eyebrows with some homeade wax that isnt a thing yet. “Ow!” “Im sorry cloud but your gonna have to work with me here!” “You know this isnt very manly like, shouldnt i have bushy eyebrows” “if you want a craked whore knocking at our door”

“Come on kids! Steak is ready” your mom yelled. You look at his eyebrows and smile, planting a kiss on his forehead “love ya” “i know” you let out a pshh and let him get up, pushing his head to the side.

You and your family rode in silence, the steak on your lap as you went over the bumbs of the road, you silently started to laugh as everyones body just jumped from the large bumb.

As your dad pulled up you seen a whole lot of white people “thats a whole lot a white people dad, you sure about this?” Cloud asks as he looks out the window.

“Calm down, lets go” he unbuckles himself as everyone follows, you hesitant to get out until cloud looks at you and gives a smile “your good alright? We are people and living, lets go” you gave him a weak smile as he took the steak off of your lap and you went out of the car and outside.

You walked inside right next to cloudy and your mom, everyone standing tall exept you and cloudy, he is about a few inches taller then you so he reaches down and whispers in your ear “ive never been around so much white people before” as you walk up to the preacher.

“Stand tall boy!” You mom whisper yells, making cloud stand taller. As you get to the end your father as the man of the house talks.

“Hey” he gives a smile. “This is awkward” you whisper. “Hi, uh- is that for me?” The preacher asks, pointing at the steak in cloudys hands. “Yeah, come here” cloudy walks up to his father as he sticks out the baking dish and your father presses his hand on cloudys shoulder.

Arvin and lenora look over at the unfamiliar family that stepped inside. “Is that-“ “y/n?” Arvin finishes the sentence. “Yes it is- she looks beautiful” lenora complements as tom didnt even notice your dress, just your face. It was beautiful already, the nice complexion shinning as the black dress shows more of your shinning skin, your shoulders and collar bones shiny as hell and your dangle purple clipped earring also popped out.

“Yeah she is...”

“Is that a nigger?” “Why are they here?” A whole lot of whispers went around that you and your family didnt even know about, they were just suprised they never seen your fathers beautiful daughter, or even well dressed son in church before.

“They arent supposed to be here!” A random said, coming up about to do something until the preacher pointed a finger at him, preston pointing a finger at him.

“In god eyes we are all the same, we commit no sin or shame in gods domain” he corrected him, he stood there shocked but only rolled his eyes walking back to his precious wife and children.

“You never told me how beautiful she was, arvin” his grandma giggled. “Yeah...” he whispers back.

You sat with arvin because no one else really wanted to, he sat in the corner and his grandma sat beside him with lenora right next to you, then cloudy, your mother, and of course your father.

“Do people really believe in this shit?” You whisper to cloudy as he whispers back. “Dont cuss in his house y/n, he’s watching you- but i kinda do” you all jumped as preston said “DELUSIONS”. “Yeah i better start beliven, i think that was a warning” you whisper back, and suddenly you have a hand ontop of yours grabbing it softly, asking for attention you look over and see lenora with a smug smile on her face.

“Hey i just wanted to thank you for everything- god does help us a lot dont he?” She asks shyly, you give her a smile as you lie with a ‘yes’ but then you turn back to cloudy “bullshit” he silently giggles not causing any noise as he continued to pay attention.

You all stood clumped up, your Claustrophobia was reeking in your skin, but arvin was next to you this time, he whispered in your ear. “You up for a date?” “my dad will kill me, i said” he bit his lip and made a bold move of holding you hand only to let it go. “Why is it sweaty?” He asks.

“Claustrophobia” you answer quickly, he simply holds it again and both of your eyes stuck on preston.

After preston made the embarrassing move, your hand tightened around his noticing his mad state. You rub your thumb across his knuckles, arvin relaxing a bit as he gives a squeeze back indicating thats hes fine.

You walked out with cloudy and sighed. “Thats embarrassing” cloudy commented, you told him to shut up and mind his business.

You sat on your bed and sighed kicking off your flats and looking at the ceiling as cloudy entered. “Everything good?” “I feel bad, he didnt call him out but he called him out ya know?” You said as you layed down still looking at the cieling.

“It was arvin?” “Yeah” he sits on the corner of your bed and sighs, also kicking off his shoes. “So do you like the guy or what?” “He wants to take me on a date, i dont know yet” “but you held is hand!” He whisper yelled.

You groaned as you threw your head back on the pillow, repeatedly. “You dont think i know that?- mind your business!” You said to him. “You aleady know i do not do that” you bit your lip and smacked clouds arm.

“Goodnight” you simply say. “Arent you gonna change first?” “Goodnight” cloud smiles as he stands up to grab his shoes and when he was at the door he turned back to you “love you y/n”. You gasped as you looked at him “NO FUCKIN WAY!” He only laughed as he finally left.

Taggie @electricityholland @jeyramarie

[yoongusworld]

title –> Lifetime

genre –> smut , one sided love , nurse and pianist reader x pianist ,heir yoongi! oneshot.

characters –> bts! yoongi x reader , y/n ,dahyun.

this is based on imagination,character used exists but this is only a fanfiction.

i would like to give credits for some lines i will use

-hardfactzquotes,poise,blogkiat,themindsjournal.com,the last part i there is no watermark so i dont know who owns that but ctto.

my mom said that love can conquer all.the most scariest thing i don't want to experience is heartbreak but i you need to fall inlove and feel your heart break.One sided love is beautiful yet a heartbreak.No expectations,nothing in return,just pure love.Yet it hurts,no doubt. but nothing can be as beautiful as one sided love story.

"y/n honey! wake up! you'll be late for you practice daughter!" those words are loud.i'm sleepy.

"moooom~i practiced all night my fingers feel numb and my piano seems sad like it wants to give up~" i lazily replied to my mother.

"honey..you play for patients in the hospital you need to inspire them with your music,you said that right? plus payment is high you can add that when you leave or you want me to just pay--" i cut my moms words and said

"uuuuuugh--mom i know we have lots of money but i don't want to depend on your money its not that im not accepting your hardworks its just i want to prove everyone that i will not just depend on how rich we are. i know i can do it" i know i can.

"i know honey..i believe in you,you're the best choice i chose in my whole life and i know you never done anything wrong because youre my daughter,i love you honey...now get up!!" she said and patted my legs.

"love you too mom..here i come practice!!" and we both laugh. i love my mom. she supported me in every aspects of my life,every journey of my chilhood,teenage and being an adult and i will repay all her hardwork as my mom and as my dad.

after taking a quick bath i head to our kitchen to see what my mom cooks for breakfast and eat.

"bye y/n honey..please be safe. don't forget to put ointment on you finger,okay?" she pecked my cheeks like i'm a little child and said goodbye.

"bye mom!!" i drove to my practice place where aspiring pianists are really trying their best to learn more about piano.I'm not saying that im already a pro but i am really good at this. the're will be a program in a hospital where they will choose one pianist to play at 'bringing back patients to life with music program' sounds like they're already dead? and i was the chosen one.lucky me.there's a guy here who doesn't even talk and always seems..lonely.i am curious about him even i know shouldn't,i dont know its just like..he got me. going inside the practice room everybodys eyes are all on me even the piano teacher.

"Well goodmorning ms.lee,the chosen one. Everyone i forgot to tell y'all that y/n is going to play piano at the hospital program,congratulate her" as everyone claps i saw the introvert guy who put his hands together and clap a little. he's cute but he scares me sometimes. after all those claps i sat down next to him. i purposedly sat beside him. "u-um...h-hiii,i'm lee y/n, i see you don't talk too much so–" i thought i was the only one who can cut words,he did cut my words.

"i know you." how?that sounds great i dont need to introduce myself a lot.

"really???but how?" i asked while the piano teacher is doing his business on some sort of things.he is still looking at the lyrics,notes in front of him not even wanting to spare a glance at me.but when he talks he looks at my eyes well its not a look,more like a glare.

"youre mom is a doctor in 'Asan Mecial Center Soul' no wonder they chose you to play in the hospital because your mother is a doctor"he smirked and i was shocked on his words is he saying that i depend on my mom to get inside the program?!

"e-excuse me but i didn't ask any help from anyone i know inside that hospital!" who does he think he is?he look back on his papers not even replying on what i said. he is rude and scary as expected.

"yah!y/n" my friend dahyun hooked me up "what?" i replied. she's on my right side while that rude guy is on my left. "Are you seriously talking to min yoongi?!" she wishpered to me "who?who is yoongi?"i asked confused. "duh its the guy beside you girl!" so his name is yoongi?? "whats up with him?does he really talk rudely to people?!" i asked dahyun slightly mad. "yes!but he's hot isnt he? he is the next heir of the AMCS he is soon the president of the hospital,i heard he finished medicine and piano is just his hobby when he is bored,girl there is no way you dont know him!" it looks like he is that popular. i get more interested.my mom is one of the doctors there yet,i dont heard anything 'bout him.

after piano practice me and my bestfriend dahyun headed to the café. "whats up with you y/n? you seemed so quiet since we talked about yoongi" i still did not answer her question "hey!y/n are going to keep looking on your favorite iced americano?the ice is melting what the hell are you thinking there?!" i really need to ask dahyun since she knows everything about handsome and popular guys. "dahyun,what more you know about yoongi?" i asked im not shy to ask shes my bestfriend i can trust her with all my rants and secrets. "Hmm well they said that yoongi is really introvert not until her girlfriend appear‐-" she have girlfriend. "her girlfriend is the richest before they also said that yoongi wasn't planning to fall for her but he did. but after all their love story is tragic. shin hyemin's car crashed and its almost 1year but she's still in a coma her parents are lacking hope but not yoongi and thats when he turn back being quiet and rude. haish he really love her,i hope i will also have a relationship like them." she pouts and out her hand under her chin. "why are u suddenly interested at him huh? do you have a crush on him?" i don't know actually its just he is interesting,i want to know him.

"no!its because he talks rudely to me,thats why" i protest looking on a big glass window beside our table drinking my melted ice iced americano. "btw y/n the program is going near you only have 2days to look pretty!!" i sighed remembering the program "i know and i know you will help me find a nice outfit for it,right?" she also sighed and just nodded not having any choice "hm well good".

—after two days—

"yah y/n i really love this white dress on you,you indeed look like an angel fallen from the sky!!!" i spin myself like a princess feeling the white dress i am wearing "wow! my daughter is so beautiful!!!" we heard a voice from the door assuming its mom "yes of course auntie,i chose her outfit!" dahyun pouts "haha i know dahyunie thank you very much" i said and playfully hug her "ok bye girls,i need to go early one of the patients are slowly healing" she said then finally go "i wonder whos patient is that,your mom is great" dahyun said "i know now lets go and get readyyy,the program will start in 1hr!!!"

yoongi's pov

two days passed since i start to attend piano class to atleast reduce my stress but still,y/n is always bugging me,i cant get enough of her,she is making me do things i'm not supposed to do before. i was early to visit my girlfriend as always. as expected she's still on her coma,i don't know how long i can wait for her i am the next heir and my father wants me to find a woman that i will soon marry. i love this woman,she's my life. there's a mysterious man that always looking through hyenmins door i asked her parents if they know him or if hyenmin knows that guys but her parents said that they don't know him. Its kinda bothering me but unless as he isn't doing anything it will be fine.

"yoongi,thanks for visiting our daughter but you need to rest." her father said with a eyes of pity.

"no s-sir,i am completely fine" i faked a smile.

"yoongi,son,we told you right? its ok for us if you decided to find someone else its been a almost a year we should give up but you insisted and stay by her side,you are so kind and warm hearted yoongi but please remember this 'if you find someone that will make you happy we are fine with that' we know you always try hard to take care of hyenmin but now im returning your kindness to you and go find someone else"mrs. shin said to me with her eyes that were very teary,tears also escaped my eyes i dont wanna leave her,i can't imagine life without hyenmin even i knew that she hurt me.

"yoongi,you're such a great man. you can be with her until she woke up and explain everything to her we are here for you" his father was never like this he used to dislike me for hyenmin because i was playboy back then but she changed me i was happy with her.

"t-thank you mr and mrs.shin" i cried. "the program will start we'll going down,we heard you love piano. you should watch it too" he smiled at me and get out inside the room where hyenmin was.

ah yeah that stupid girl with her stupid program.she talks a lot like you hyenmin and moves like you. what should i do? she's more likely like you but u know that i will never replace you with anyone even you replaced me.

your pov

yup!!this is it y/n you can freaking do this,its just sick people,disabled people ugh!!but still they're people y/n why are you like this? "the next is a beautiful young lady who plays the piano,lee y/n" the mc speaks and called my name,this is it,for real!!! as i go to the stage theater of the hospital everyone is looking at me i guess white dress isn't a good idea? i nervously sat down the piano chair and get my hands ready above the piano. I played beethovens Moonlight Sonata.it certainly brightens the piece but it's not terribly emotional. Emotionally it makes me feel like life at the height of its passion.everyone looks emotional some are enjoying.

yoongi's pov

since i was tired i decided to go to the theater and see what that y/n can really do. its not yet starting but i hear the mc said that lee y/n is next and she's playing a piano. open the door and sat down at the back of the hospitals theater "s-sir what are you still doing here? Mr.min will scold you if he saw you here" i sighed and out my palms onto my forehead its one of my fathers bodyguard are they following me? "he will scold me if you told him that i am here so shut up" i saw y/n starts to play she's playing beethovens moonlight sonata huh i guess she wants everyone to cry.a person who knows music will know its sweet but a typical person who will hear it will definitely cry. as she plays long she is pouring her heart out on whats she's doing,she even wear a white dress she l-looks like an angel fallen from the-- shit! what am i saying?! i admit she is very attractive but she is distracting me from my girlfriend. (End of yoongis pov)

As soon as y/n finished the piano yoongi goes outside the theater and head home.She was fascinated by y/n.She never tought this will happen to him when he still has a girlfriend.This cant be happening he said to himself. He should finds out whats that feeling he's been craving whenever he looks at you.

i was laying on my bed thinking if its really yoongi or not"dahyun,i told you i saw yoongi inside the theater i am not lying or seeing someone that wasnt him coz i know its really him!!!" i explained to my bestfriend who looks at me in disgust. "whats with the disgust face?!" i shouted in stress. "ok let's say that—oh! yoongi was there but, he isn't there for you. he was probably taking care of her sleeping beauty!" while she laughed at me i am still stressed i am having a different feelings about him,its look like he shoots me with his killer looks and glare that i cannot forget those. "i–i know but–dahyun you're my bestfriend and i want to be honest with you on what i feel" then she replied with hum crossing both of ther arms together on his chest. "i really feel curious about yoongi he looks very mysterious and you know i like a person who is mysterious in a good way" she has a girlfriend i know that and im still finding out. "please y/n don't make actions you will regret after just remember i am here for you" she smiled and hugged me. she is right.

another piano lesson.i have no time eating breakfast my mom is already in the hospital and i sooooo lonely dahyun will not pick me up so i guess i drive myself there. I sighed remembering yoongi will be there. we are complete stranger but why do i feel this way towards him?This is crazy.im crazy. i was suddenly awaken my mind hearing my phone ringing "yes mom?" what is it this time?! "honey i am sorry to bother you but after your piano class can you please go here in the hospital" i get inside the class after we talk and there is no sign of yoongi everywhere "what happend to him?" i mumured "WHO?" i was startled by the voice behind me "yah!you startled me!!!" she smiled and grab my arms "lets go" after class me and dahyun planned to go shopping but obviously there was an urgent problem in the hospital and they need my help (i know y'all wondering why,easy) "ugh!y/n we supposed to date today!!"dahyun pouted. "i know im sorry they need a sub in the hospital" i calmly explained to her "you said you don't like to be a nurse but you finished nursing,you know what you confuse me sometimes!!" we laughed as i headed to the hospital.

—AT THE HOSPITAL—

"hey honey glad you made it here,thank you so much daughter we are really lacking of nurses this week but they promised to pay me double for that and i'll give some to you,okay?" i nodded and changed ny clothes to nurses clothes. its not easy to be a sub nurses but i am one of the most payed doctors daughter so its easy for me to get in and loved to help. i will soon leave my mom alone and i want to cherish her a lot so much this past few months. "you look good in nurses outfit,are you playing roleplay here?" a cold voice appeared behind me while i was walking in the hall and i fastly turn my back to that guy i knew it was him "y–yoongi? why did you not attend piano lesson today?" i asked i know i was out of line but i badly want to know his reason "i visited someone" he said coldy and walk past at me "h–hey y–yoongi wait!" he stopped walking but did not turn back to look at you. "what?"he simply talked "just wanted to talk to you.uh erm..if you'll let me???" what did i just say? and now i need to talk to him if he agree.

after my duty as a nurse today i looked at yoongi who is sipping his coffee looking at the sky at the hospitals rooftop i sighed and cut the silence between us "i just want to know if you're fine" i scratched the back on my neck really shy to talk to him "none of you're business" i need to get used to his rudeness "s–sorry i really wanted to be your um f–friend?if thats possible you know?" he heard it for sure but acted like he didn't "i have lots of friend,i dont want to add one anymore"again with his cold tone "well the more the merrier,they said" as i laughed sarcasticly "you're really different aren't you?" he laughed and looked at me "hm...i am" we both laughed and took advantage of a beautiful sun setting on its own.

months have passed i continued working inside the hospital as a nurse while dahyun works at her parents company and...me and yoongi are now friends we hang out a lot i can see he is happier now and i guess i just achieved my goal to make him happy.

"yah give it to me you asshole!" y/n reached for his hand but he is taller than her "only of you'll treat me dinner!" he shouted y/n ran over him but instead she hugged him tight. time stopped for a moment but he speaks up "a–all right,fine here!!" He finally give up and hand her the wallet. they were silent,the rooftop was silent,no birds,no animals,no people,just y/n and yoongi.we sat for another sunset to watch "i never thought we will be good friends" she said and he huffed "you are so noisy who wouldnt talk and hangout with you just to make you quiet?" she playfully punch him and laughed "its because you want me yoongi! If you dont then get rid of me!!!" She shouted to him alongwith a pout making him laugh even more.

she makes him happy how can he able to get rid of her?

After that yoongi and y/n hang out a lot. go to a coffee shop early in the morning, walking in the middle of the night when y/n messed up on hospital,watch movies when yoongi has a problem with his father and hyenmins condition.

you two were hanging out but the doctors called him to tell that hyenmin had seizure so yoongi rapidly ran to the hospital with just only one word he left that y/n always holds "sorry" that sorry followed by another sorry and another and another one. you cannot blame him,you came in his life in a wrong time.

this feelings you have been keeping wasn't like any other like your past relationships. you don't even tried to touch yourself when you think of them and be bold in words around them but with yoongi,its all different. you became more and more comfortable with each other as time passed.

we always seeing each other inside the hospital we ate lunch together,watch sunset together,walk outside together we did a lot as a friend but thats not what i feel anymore i am not curious about him now because i fell for him its more that just a friend and i am sure. we supposed to hangout after my shift .

I texted him to ask where is he. he isnt replying to all my texts "haaaaa where is he now??" i tapped one of my foot on the tiles waiting for yoongi at the hall "hey!!!" someone shocked me "yoongi!!!you startled me!! what took you so long?!" i pout and crossed my arms on my chest "im sorry okay,on my house?" he friendly hugged me that made me blushed. "yah!we're at the hospital and i'm a nurse" he look at me in confused and said "this hospital is mine and i dont care,how about we hang out now okay?no more talking"

we made it into his penthouse. this is the third time i came to his house first was because i bargged in to ask him if i can be his frien,second is when we became close friends that was memorable i am not sure but he was stressed that time so i hugged him as friend but i know we both felt that tension between us,we almosy kissed but the doctor call him about hyenmin. and now is the third,i really crave for this man but he doesn't feel the same.

"how about a movie?" he asked. "that sounds great but can you please order pizza im kinda craving pizza right now and im freaking tired!" i said and flopped myself onto his soft couch "okay just choose a movie while i order"he said while taking off his leather jacket and shoes,he is so hot i cannot stop thinkinh doing dirty thoughts with him but i remember hyenmin all of a sudden.

"can i turn the lights off?" i shouted at yoongi "sure!!!" she shouted back. after a minutes i already chose a movie to watch 'after' "what movie is that?" he asked and also flopped hiself on his couch "idunno its currently number 1 on netflix so this should be good" i yawn and arch my back to stretch "sleepy?" yoongi looked at me,his eyes are different today "n-no just tired. my back really hurts".

"how about a back massage?just a thank you for accompanying me" he slightly laughed and scratched the back of his neck "woah!thats the most kind word i heard today!thanks!" i speak in sarcastic way,he just rolled his eyes on me and pull me down to massage my back.

"ah~yes yoongi right there please~" it was almost a moan "how come you're good at this?" i asked while he continue massaging my back. "i learned it from hyenmin" he said. i admit that hurts me ofcourse he will still love his girlfriend i am not expecting anything just seeing him happy makes me okay.

yoongi's pov

"i learned it from hyenmin" i replied to her. It seems like she doesn't care. y/n keeps moaning while i massage her back it's making me aroused hearing her voice like that it's also been a while since i had sex. "ahh~yoongi thats right" she tilt her head making her hair fall to the side revealing her neck. i cannot take this anymore i am going to explode if she continue teasing me like this. "ahhh!~ yoongi thats hurts! are you alright?" i snapped into reality when i heard my name from her mouth "uh–um i–im sorry is the movie already done?" i changed the topic covering my hardening bulge with a pillow. "not yet were just in the rated 18+ part" she calmly said how can she be calm talking about the sex scene.

"i moan better than her" she said my eyes widen by her sudden words,she's eating the pizza sitting beside me,i see she's playing games with me, "what makes you say that huh?"i smirked at her and then she looks at me "yah!my ex and i attempt lots of sex he even recorded my voice because no one can moan how i moan!"she sound like she is scolding me. what is she saying? we were not comfortable to say things like this,she is totally different.i began talking to her comfortably in just a month not like others even hyenmin,or the six of my bestfriends.

"are you listening?!" she slap my shoulder playfully "i–i am" i replied. "yoongi can i lay on your lap?"did i hear her clear? im freaking hard right now and she wants to lay? On my lap?! "okay i'll take that as a yes!" with that she lay her head on my lap near my bulge as i began groaning when she moves.

"stop playing games with me y/n, i promise wo won't like it"

"what games?" and she continuesly moving,this is fucking great.

your pov

"y/n can you please stop freaking m-moving?!"he said at me more like a shout. "sorry" the movie is done but yoongi is just staying still on his sitting position "yah did you forget to move yoongi?" i laughed at him histerically cos he literally stopped moving he's like a stone i stopped laughing when i felt a hand on my waist.

it was yoongi,he was gripping my waist so hard all i see is him on top of me "i told you to stop freaking moving and now you're laughing like you don't know what you did huh?nurse y/n." he said looking at me with his dark eyes i really have no idea what he's saying "y–yoongi,i have no—" he cut my words

"damn you and your excuses,you make me this hard y/n. now make it up for me" i didn't even have the chance to talk when he slammed his lips in mine harshly i don't want to give in but in myself i am liking this yoongi. i kissed him back. he bite my lower lip asking for entrance he is dominating every moves. our tounges are dancing together our kiss is became steamy and hot i feel my core getting wet.

his lips are now going down to my neck biting the skin creating a hickeys "y–yoongi" i breathed out. he pull up the hem of my shirt taking it off and unclasping my bra so easily. his mouth made it to my hardening nipple nibbling his tongue on it while other hand massaging my left breast. i interwined my fingers through his soft hair as he continue to suck my breasts

"uugh y–yoongi~" i continue moaning his name pain and pleasure is what i am feeling right now as he began biting my nipples. i know i am being selfish right now. but just one day,one night will be enough with me.

his lips are moving further down pulling my skirt up to my belly that makes me shiver and aroused, he kissed my core and looked up at me and ask permission

"can i?" i nodded and he moved my panties to the side as i moaned when i felt his hot breath to my core sending shivers down my spine "y–yoongi p–pleaseee" i begged being desperate for him. "i need you y-yoongi" i moaned out "you're getting it for being a slut y/n"his words can make even a boy horny, he fastly remove my skirt along with my panties.

yoongi is eating me out like a hungry man "f–fuck" the only word thats getting out of my mouth as he continues to work on his tongue technology on my wet core

"cumming~" i moaned out as i feel my high going soon "cum for me baby" he mumbled thats vibrating on my core as i release my high.

"hmm so sweet" he said going back to my mouth as i taste myself on him,our kiss become sloppy. he breaks the kiss and breath heavily.

i heard a belt falling on the carpet "so beautiful" he whispered to himself but i still manage to hear

"how about you suck me first before i give you want you want,huh?is that good" he said with a raspy voice while touching my ass cheeks i gently oblige him as he sat down the couch and i get on my knees. his eyes are so dark full of lust.

i pull his pants down along with his boxers while he remove his white shirt,his hardened cock sprung out proudly standing up onto his belly it was an average size but he was thick enough to make me shout in pleasure.

“suck”he said in full of dominance i licked his dick like a kitten as you heard him hiss.

"don’t be a fucking tease" he shoves his hips sliding himself between your parted lips and onto your mouth. you taste the saltiness of arousal leaking from his swollen cock, you take him all in swirling you tongue around his pulsating cock. "ugh,your tongue feels so fucking good baby."

yoongi moans like his stresses are melting away with every in out pace of your mouth on his cock. he grips you hair so tight knowing he is almost there "fuck baby deeper,just like that. ughh f-fuck" he controls the pace making you choke,tears escaped from your eyes "uhhh your mouth feel so good baby,y–yeah" he is mouth fucking you.

"take it all,d–dont leave any single drop" you suck harder "i–m c–cumming" he groaned "f–fuck y/n take it all" i can feel his grip on my scalp,tears are still flowing as his hot cream shots down to your throat "fucking swallow my cum baby"

he pulled me up to him making me sit on his lap "ride me y/n,ride me like a good girl"

"yes daddy" he spanked my ass feeling a hot stingy sensation.

spank

spank

spank

i only yelp by his actions,it hurts but its good.

"do you want daddy to fuck you hard,huh?"

he said with a low raspy voice he put his long slender finger under my dripping core making me jump

"y–yes d–daddy fuck me h–hard" i moaned desperately

"you're fucking dripping for me you slut" he pumps his dick and gently slide it inside your wet core. you squeezed your eyes feeling his thick cock inside your pussy.

you wrap your arms around yoongis neck and breathing hardly

"damn it,y–you're so tight y/n" he waits until i adjust and move up and down his lap with his cock inside my core

he suck my nipples making me moan so loud he stopped and sucked your collarbones marking his territory "this is fucking mine,all mine" he grips your waist fucking you harder

"ugh y–yes d–daddy fuck me harder" he seems to like the daddy kink "daddy kink huh,i love it" he whispered to your ears still fucking you senseless "does mrs.lee k–knows that her daughter is a f–fucking slut around my cock,huh?"he said burying his cock deep inside you as you arched your back.

yoongi's pov

she is a moaning mess,i haven't done this for a year i can say that she is really good at this. i can't lie i am enjoying her company,i want her always beside me,she is making me happy and most of all she's making me good but i'm not sure about the feeling "f–fuck daddy,y–yes!!" she moans as i fuck her harder than ever "y–you will forget y–your name baby girl" i laid y/n on her back parting her legs wider to get better access on her g-spot.

"am i hitting it huh?f-fucking answer me" i said as i push harder inside her tight pussy "y–yes y–yoongi" she moaned "l-look at me" i command as she open her eyes straightly looking into my eyes,she is driving me insane.

i can feel her clench on my cock warning that she is cumming i fastened my pace harder "i-im cumming!" she moaned loud "cum with me"i burried my face on the side of her neck saying dirty words," i fucking l–love you" he said.with one last hard thrust her cum collided with mine. i gently pull my softened dick outside her pussy and pecked her lips. "thank you y/n" and then collapsed on her side still chasing our breaths.

"for what?" she asked "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" she looked at me with her angel eyes. she don't deserve someone like me,she deserves someone who will treat her better "i'll clean you up". i said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." why? after all she will leave? she stands up gathering all her clothes and wearing them one by one.i respect her decision to leave so i let her.

you pov

yoongi collapsed beside me after chasing our highs he finally speaked up "thank you" for what? "for what?" i replied "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" friends. friend of course i am just a friend,you want this y/n now accept the consequences.you just filled up his needs not his empty heart. "i'll clean you up" he said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." i think we will both needing space after this incident. i leave wearing all my clothes and drive home.

i should've stayed but i feel like i was used. i know i liked it too but still he called me as his 'friend' fucking wont make us official and i know that so that i love you doesn't mean anything to him?

at home

"hello?y/n?why did you call at this hour? is there a problem?are you crying?" dahyun asked me so many times but i still sobs and cry like crazy "y–you were right,i shouldn't make decisions i will regret!" i cried even more remembering what happen between me and yoongi "it's all going to be fine y/n. you just loved knowing he doesn't finish loving someone else,sushhh its alright just cry it all out,ok?you have work tomorrow you should be beautiful" but i still cry

"dahyunnnn! i love yoongi!!!what should i do?!" she sighed after saying a word "just talk to him,thats the better thing to do y/n do not avoid him or something. just talk and say what you really feel all this time". she is right.

after weeks i will finally showed myself up for my last day im hospital as a nurse.i prepare to go to work,putting make up on because i cried a lot last night. i sat down on my bed looking in the mirror,theres so many boxes on my room,yup i am slowly packing all my things since yoongi and me became really close friends . i am preparing to leave since then.

after 1hour i arrived at the hospital,i am scheduled to shin hyenmin today i guess its really a bad day to start to. i go inside the hospital changing my clothes into nurses clothes. i can't see where my mom is,i guess she is busy. i gathered the tray with injections ready to go to yoongi's girlfriend,im in the front of her room door "you can do it y/n" i slowly open the door and peeked who's inside. its a group of boys talking to each other i can't see the others face but i assumed they are 7 guys including yoongi.

i finally made it inside and talk like a professional nurse "excuse me sir but i need to inject this to her today...you can all stay but um just move aside." i smiled at them not even looking at yoongi, "wait–y/n is that you?!" one guy speak up i can't see his face but when yoongi moves i finally saw him "jungkook?" its him,the one who organized my house in u.s "i thought you already leave the country–" he was cutted by the other guy and said "let her inject something on yoongis girl bro" the boy said with a boxy smile "um oh yeah sorry i carried away" after injecting on hyenmin yoongi goes to her not even sparing a glance on me,holding her hand.

"wah yoongi really love hyenmin" its a guy with a wide shoulders. "y/n can we talk?" jungkook said. "um-yeah sure,ummm outside?" i point my thumb outside the door and we both talk there. i saw yoongi looking at us but when he knew i was looking he looks back at hyenmin. "um see you later guys,just gonna talk with this beautiful lady here!" jungkook winks at them "nice one jk!"a cute like a sun guy said and i blushed and the bowed goodbye at them.

"sooo~what is it?" i asked him "yoongi hyung is talked us about you,a lot." he confronts me "b-but.how?why? r–really?" why did he do that? "we don't know either but we knew yoongi hyung so much and we know something bothering him,he seems very happy now we thought hyenmin wwas awake but he said it was a girl he met on piano class" jungkook explained "he has hyenmin,i am just,a friend"

I lowered my head and interwined my fingers together as jungkook hold my hands "no y/n i'm not here as your organizer. im here for my hyung he loves you. hyenmin cheated on him a lot but still he stays thats why she has an accident because hyenmin chase him when he ran away caughting her cheat and he blamed himself."

yoongi never told me that. but still. he still love her. i knew that,the way he looks at her,kiss her lips and hold her hands. not just because we had sex doesnt mean he loves me more like i said i fulfill his needs but not his empty heart.

"the hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love,love someone else." i cried,again. jungkook hugged me as friend and told me everything will be fine. they always say that but everything will not be fine. "so are you still leaving the country?" he asked breaking our hug. "um it was planned year ago before i fell inlove with yoongi,so it is still on plan"

—inside hyenmins room—

hoseok : yah!guys look at our jk he is making a move to a girl,im so proud!

as they peak through the window of the door.

namjoon : wahh he is really good at girls!

jimin : our maknae is holding a girls hand!!

seokjin & tae : let me see!!

yoongi : can you all be quiet!!! move!!! let me see!!!

seokjin : yah yoongi-ah just accept the fact that you like her! and stop being jealous they're probably 'friends' like you and her.

he teases him that pissed him off even if that is the fact.

tae : jin-hyung is right hyung we all know the fact that unnie cheated on you but still you blame yourself on what happened so you can't let go.

yoongi felt weak at their words.

yoongi : shut up. i wont leave hyenmin for any other girls out there.

jimin : lol hyung then stop talking to us on how happy you are when you're with her.

yoongis pov

they are all right,but hyenmin and i didn't broke up,i just ran away. my thoughts were gone when we saw hyenmin slowly opening her eyes. "CALL A DOCTOR!! hyung she open her eyes!" namjoon shouted i ran to hold hyenmins hand "are you awake?" i said in gentle voice. "y–yoongi,babe is that you?" she said while crying 'babe'? the doctors came and told us to step outside the room to check up on her when i saw jungkook and others leaving and y/n packing her nurses things.

"so?she's awake,congrats!" y/n said with a weak smile,i still dont know how to face her after what happen to us "i–im sorry y/n,i know i fucked up but–" she cutted me telling me words i was scared to hear "no need to apologize yoongi,none of this are your fault.

I wanted this at the first place,be happy with her make her smile,i know you love her more than anything.its funny actually how a person can break your heart,and you can still love them with all the little pieces.ha ha why am i tearing? sorry tears of joy". but i know deep inside i was heartbroken after all it was my fault.

dahyun was right i shouldn't make actions just like that but she was wrong that i will regret this because yoongi is the best choice i've chosen.

"go to her yoongi,i hope we can still be friends. ju–just forgot what happened to us like you said,you thank me for being a good friend and now i am and i am proud that i am your friend." i cannot stop my tears its just flowing on its own.

yoongi cannot even speak a word to me,i guess he is speechless haha "y/n i love you as–" as much as you think . i put words next on what he supposed to say "friend,i know yoongi. i don't really know why i'm still hoping but just wanted to tell you that i love you so much,not as a friend or a piano classmate,but as a man. thank you,you made me happy even in a short period of time.i will never forget those times we we're hanging out but you recieved a call from hospital because of hyenmin haha i cannot stop laughing when you forgot to brush your teeth that time,i missed you a lot" i confessed.

is this my way of saying goodbye?when i decided to walk out for fresh air yoongi stopped me by holding wrist "y/n i– i am really sorry for everything,can you please give me some time to figure this out?" he said as i looked into his watery eyes "make it up to her yoongi,i know she cheated on you and you took blame on what happen to her but– she still needs you there. i just filled up you needs but not your heart and i guess we should stop this unknown thing between us,lets go back being just 'friends'" of course i was hurr by my own words but i think thats for the best of the both of us.

he freed his holds to my wrist as i kept on walking outside the hospital for my last day.

Its all messed up.

also last day in this country,tomorrow will be my flight.

yoongi's pov

i was standing there dumbfounded and also,heart broken. people are calling me "sir ms. hyenmin is looking for you" but that all sounds blurry to me,i only think of y/n right now. is she leaving me? can i live without her presence beside me? without her cheering me up every fucking single day? do i love her? those are questions in my mind. "sir ms.hyenmin is looking for you" the nurse said. they way i feel jealous when she's with jungkook is already an answer . i love her . i just need to talk to hyenmin.

"yoongi,i've already talk to your dad and he wants you to be more realistic and marry someone who can help this hospital and the company bigger" my fathers friend,a doctor said i have enough for this shit,i should marry someone who i love not like this "how many times did you all tell me that?aren't you all tired?" i frowned my eyebrows and ask the doctor another question "how is she?"

"i told her to sleep for an hour,i need to talk to the parents but since they are not here pls tell them that their daughter suffered mild amnesia like i said when the accident happened,it has a big impact that affect her brain. the medicine we're giving to her will help her and will bring her memories back to normal.i'll go now let her rest" he said then go.

i messed up everything,i lost y/n. i lost a friend or should i say a love one.

i told hyenmins parents what happened and they begged me to help hyenmin until she fully regained memories and then i can go and broke things up between us. i dont want to agree but they were begging me to the point they get on their knees.

how about y/n? how about us? i'll comeback to you y/n i promise.

after 1 month hyenmin continues her treatment and regaining memories,i can tell that she is healed now. she took photos of us and post on her sns people really think we're fine but little did they know the man that keeps on going on her room when she is still in the hospital said to me that he is hyenmins secret affair. mentally,emotionally,i finished everything between us. i will broke up with her when she remember that she cheated on me. i wouldn't let her hurt me again.

"hey jungkook? how's y/n? i think she changed her number i reached for her mom but she is not in their house dad also told me that her mom quit her job. look i am asking you because you know her,right?" even its on phone i can feel that jungkook is nervous to tell me something.

"hyung i am very sorry but y/n told me not to tell you this–"

"just tell me that happened man!" i nearly shout.

"as you can she she changed her phone number and sns account so you cannot find her. she is currently on US now,she left the evening when we talk–"

my world seems to crash. all this time she were far from me. no one dare to tell me even dahyun.

"we're in contact,she opens up to me sometimes. she even told me that she is stalking hyenmins account and said 'they look happy' she is not yet moved on hyung,i dont want to tell her what you really feel it is something you should tell her so i get out of your boths business,im really sorry hyung but i hope this will help you"

"no– it's fine man no need to apologize i–i fully understand you intention" after that we said our goodbyes and he gave me y/n's account to just let me visit her account or apologize to her after all what happened.

i will promise to apologize to her and bring her back. I just need to clear everything to hyenmin.

your pov

i cant say i am living my best life now that i am far from the person i love the most,i feel lonely even having lots of friends here in US i feel really empty and sad.

the worst feeling is knowing from the start that its never gonna happen. knowing from the start that he's just too good,way out of your league. feeling concious about how look when time will come you two will meet again and what you do and yet,you try anyway.

you have daydreams and imagines and you just wish evenythough you know that he will never choose you. but the absolute worse is when he told you directly that he only sees you as a friend.

And somehow your heart just wont listen.

I hope there's a lifetime that waits for us in other side of the universe.

you're a good dream sadly i was awaken

should i make part 2?????😭

sorry for wrong grammars,english is not my first language. also i give credits for some quotes and words i used for other part i added. thank you so much. this is my first ever fanfiction i am very sorry if this is bad.

[bookishbea]

Black Friday Reaction

Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions

1. The Paul thing is really bothering me

2. I really love the mention of the other characters

3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more

4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball

5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean

6. I love California MIA

7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk

8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?

9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs

10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club

11. I have a crush on lex

12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much

13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name

14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke

15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes

16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one

17. Jaimey is great as always

18. The conversation is so cringe i love it

19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)

20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings

21. I love Jeff’s reaction

22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions

23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals

24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical

25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)

26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)

27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian

28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be

29. Jaime plays a perv really well

30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious

31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma

32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent

33. Jeff’s fuck you

34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money

35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish

36. Its sad that the price thing is true

37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got

38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)

39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice

39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish

40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it

41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant

42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)

43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)

44. Lex you already have one (see above)

45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever

46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in

47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid

48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it

49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening

50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly

51. Baby (both hannah and robert)

52. Please tell me my babies not dead

53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly

54. Wait hes alive

55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly

56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious

57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain 

58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice

59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head

60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence

61. Poor Tim

62. Poor becky but even less

63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d

64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul

65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her

66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh

67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene

68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit

69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing 

70. How did Bob get one

71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence

72. Does wiggly have a special power or something 

73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you

74. The starkid special effects we all know and love

75. Also is that mcnamara

76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power

77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song

78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line

79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines

80. Is peip like men in black

81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale

82. Is the black and white like the upside down?

83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed

84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!

85. I love the act two opener

86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?

87. Oh hes literally related to santa

88. I love lauren and joey as eleves

89. Noel another christmas name

90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something

91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats

92. Also carving is goals

93. Even though its a penis its still goals

94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause

95. Tom dont yell at your girl

96. Poor Tom

97. But also dont make this about you

98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true

99. Yass girl fight his ass

100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz

101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times

102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize

103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny

104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara

105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera

106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean

107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals

108. Matrix glasses for the win

109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?

110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly

111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40

112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy

113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom

114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him

115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch

116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)

117. Also i love this song the adore song

118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes

119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused

120. Wait he is dead???

121. Also ethan is creepy now

122. But Roberts expressions are goals

123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing

124. What the how does he know her name

125. Savage Wiggly

126. Wiggly is more funny than scary

127. But my poor baby dont be scared

128. What the fuck tom

129. Also poor baby number two

130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll

131. What the fuck Becky

132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used

133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious

134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes

135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid

136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt

137. More starkid special effects

138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm

139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)

140. So the perv is wiggly

141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll

142. Oh wait never mind he explains it

143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals

144. I love Joey’s song

145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America

146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once

147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf

148. Lauren looks so done i cant

149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white

150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage

151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?

152. Seriously Sherman ponies

153. I love the going back line

154. My poor baby lex

155. No Lex dont die not you too

156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm

157. Yes baby you got the gun

158. Also die perv die

159. Eagle screeching is goals

160. Yes lex use that logic

161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed

162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)

163. Seriously starkid Fortnight

164. Thats why you should never fully grow up

165. Woah what Lex says is deep

166. Yessss Tom

167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun

168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it

169. No dont take her magic hat

170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously

171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?

172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes

173. Also give my baby her hat back

174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)

175. Yass Robert get it

176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed

177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed

178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals

179. Like hes like oh shit money

180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care

181. I love how exagerated their dying is

182. Thats an impressive quick change

183. Yess Emma Hidgens

184. But also no hell fuck up again

185. Also Paul interupting is goals

186. Haha hannah you go girl

187. First off I love the song

188. Song off Hannah’s voice

189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive

190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused

191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back

[hanorganaa]

All 15: darhkatom

jesus christ marisa. well ask and you shall receive. 

1. Who is the happy morning person and who is grumpy and just wants to go back to bed?

-rays the happy morning person and nora is obviously the big grump. even when ray stays up all night working in the lab or something he never really gets grumpy, just tired. he looks like those videos of puppies yawning. while nora even if she slept twelve hours is gonna be a bit of a grump. but when she wakes up next to ray its not so bad :)))

2. Who falls asleep on the couch and who puts a blanket over them?

-okay nora takes naps like all the time and thats facts and ray of course wants to make sure she stays warm. but also this got me thinking i feel like ray never falls asleep in a normal place?? like he doesnt really take naps but also works a lot in the lab and stuff so whenever he doesnt get eight hours he just falls asleep fuckin wherever. at the dinner table?? sure. in the lab? of course. just where ever he is.

3. They end up going to a party? What couple are they? Ex- Clinging to one another? Just there to steal some free food and leave? Both want to party?

-if and when they ever go to party that isnt undercover as a mission where they have an alibi and stuff nora stays GLUED to ray. shes like “i dont know these people. what if they ask about me? what am i supposed to say? ‘oh yeah ive been recently exorcised’??” i mean shes either glued to ray or the snack table.

4. If they were in a zombie apocalypse AU, how would they meet?

-ray travels with a group of people (aka the legends) and he comes across nora who is like “yeah i can take care of myself i work alone” and they end up trapped and surrounded and they bond and stuff and when the legends come to rescue ray he convinces her to stay with them for a while.

5. Where is their number one date spot? Why do they love it so much there?

-like in the show 10/10 they go to camelot whenever they are like in a special day type of mood. but like in real life i dont think they would really ever do something fancy. like i think both of their fav dates is just staying in.

6. Who would be more likely to hug their partner and pick them up off the ground?

-ray. he’s too big not to.

7. If one partner isn’t the best at communicating their feelings, how do they show their feelings to their significant other in other ways?

-snuggles!

8. How did they try to impress one other before they were dating?

-we’ve already seen ray try with the mustache and good god no. if i had to say something for nora i’d say she probably pretends to like all of rays nerd stuff way more than she really does. she doesnt hate any of it but she pretends to be a way bigger fan.

9. Who is being way over the top and dramatic and who just nods and cheers on their partner from the sidelines?

-nora is such a drama queen and i love her for it forever and ray is perpetually the proud bf and will cheer her on no matter what.

10. Where did they confess that they loved one another?

-i have no idea. i wanna say like on the ship or in his room but thats boring. I mean lets be real they basically did in last weeks episode. my angst heart wants to say its when one of them gets in trouble or injured on a mission. but my fluff brain says its when they are snuggling in bed and rays running his fingers through her hair the way she likes and she just kind of blurts it out. 

11. What is something small, but cute they do for one another? Ex - leave cute encouraging notes for one another on the counter.

-whenever ray wakes up early and knows he wont be there when nora wakes up he leaves a note by the bed. nora does little doodles for him and pins them up on the white boards in the lab. ray lets her have more of the blankets. nora lets him pick movies.

12. Who is the one who does the cooking while the other helps prep the food?

-i feel like nora wants to cook everything fast so shes like “keep it on high” which has led to many meals being burnt on the outside and fucking raw on the inside as well as getting burnt. so now rays in charge of cooking. (i keeping thinking about jenna marbles videos where they cook and nora is julien)

13. What is a memory they share together that makes them both laugh so hard they cry when they think about it?

-look ive thought about this for ages and im coming up short i have literally no idea the only thing i can come up with is they were quarter backing on the ship (aka hooking up) while the rest were on a mission and something similar to the unicorn happened and they all came back talking about “peace and love” and “letting yourself surrender to the force and love of the universe” OR if we wanna go @noradarhkpalmer family au route theres this video of like a little baby sitting between her mom and dad in bed and the baby takes the moms hand out of the dads and pulls the dads hand in hers and thats baby penny to a T so yeah

14. They are having a water balloon fight, who wins and how do they deliver the winning shot?

-nora does. its not hard. ray is a huge target just becasue he big. also rays not really trying to get her out.

15. Who would give the other their jacket because it’s cold?

-ray does. noras always cold so most of the time she doesnt have to ask. also i just thought about ray squeezing into noras jackets and im fucking cackling.

also tagging @superstitious19 and @tomaztastic because they also asked for darhkatom

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 30

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Thirty, The Time Has Come for Letting Go

Ella

About sixteen years later

"Hey, Dad," I said, poking my head into his bathroom. He was shaving, and cream covered half of his face. He quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, kid."

"Sorry I'm such an ass."

"Me too, for the record." He winked at me, running the razor over his skin, leaving a line in the cream.

"I see where I get it." I grinned, walking past him. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, and watched him rid himself of stubble. He always looked younger when he was bare faced. "You mad at me?"

"Never." Dad smiled at me. "I made you, which means I'm never gonna be mad at you. Frustrated at times, but never mad."

"Hm." I looked down at my hands. "Even if I told you I was wasted when Claire found me?"

"Steal my good whiskey that I've been saving?"

"What? No."

"Then, nah I'm not mad. You're a good kid, El. The reason you're so upset is because of me, so I don't blame you for drowning it a bit."

I shook my head. I couldn't ask for a better dad. Claire was right. "They were setting up for the Halloween festival."

"Oh yeah? That time already?"

"Mhm. If you don't have any cases lined up I was thinking... maybe we could all go, like as a family. Dads, Jackie, Claire, the whole nine."

"What about the newest member?"

"What?"

"Clementine." He grinned at me, before splashing his face with water.

"Christ, Dad. No, the cat isn't coming."

"She's kind of cute, though. If you get past the initial shock factor. Actually kinda looks like you when you were a baby,” he teased.

"I'm so bad at rebellious activity. I'm failing miserably."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me, kid." Dad leaned forward and placed a kiss on my head. "I think the festival sounds like a great time. I'll talk to Sammy and Cas about it."

I wrapped my arms around his waist, and buried my face in his chest. "I really miss you when you leave, you know."

He wrapped his arms around me protectively, like he'd been doing all my life. "I know,” he murmured. "I miss you too."

"Did Mom go on cases with you?" I asked when we released each other from our hug.

"Yeah." He smiled. "She was damn good, too. Saved my tail multiple times. She had this way about her. She could put together a puzzle without lookin at the picture on the box. She was always finding the answer. She said she had instinct, which was true, but she also was fighting against her gender. The hunter world is like all the others, a mans world. And fuck did she make us all regret feeling that way." He laughed.

He seemed so effortless, lost in the memory. His green eyes seemed far away. He closed them for a moment. "Sammy and I walked into a trap, and she saved our ass. Us and uncle Bobby." He laughed lightly. "She put two and two together in a way I never could."

"Bet she didn't let you live that save down."

He laughed and grinned at me. "No way. She rubbed it in all the time. That was... that was the first night I spent with her." He met my eyes. "You probably don't want to hear about that. Your parents as people and all."

"No." I reached for his hand. "If you want to tell me, I want to hear it. I want to hear about how you fell in love."

Maybe it was the fact that we weren't fighting, or maybe that I knew he was going to die that made him crack open to me. He exposed his soft under belly, and I was going to poke it. I had to.

"I got hit real hard in the head. Kind of fucked up my inhibitions." He looked down, touching the back of his head, like he was in the memory. "She was watching me, to make sure I didn't die in my sleep. I told her I thought she was beautiful. Cute to be exact, and she didn't like that. Thought I was patronizing her. She chewed me out, and I had to explain... I meant she was cute. She was beautiful. Hell, kid, she was everything I didn't know I wanted."

"How'd she react to that news?" I asked, literally on the edge of my seat.

"She told me we couldn't have anything. ‘t was too dangerous. Not even for a night."

"But?"

"But I convinced her." He grinned. "I'm basically irresistible."

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help smiling along with him. "What then?"

"We stayed together all night. I think that was the night I realized that I was in deep. Before I knew I didn't want to live without her, and that was the night that I knew I couldn't ever lose her. So when she said it was a one night only occurrence I had to agree, even though it hurt like hell."

"It obviously didn't last."

He looked down bashfully and sighed a bit. "No. It didn't last. Nothing ever does." He looked back at me. "I'm tired. Raincheck, kiddo?"

"Of course," I said, quietly. A pang in my chest. I knew I hurt his feelings. I poked the wrong place and he curled back into himself, covering that vulnerable spot. I stood up and hugged him one more time. "Night, Daddy. Love you." I kissed his smooth, minty cheek.

"Love you too, Nel."

Dean

Present

"Where the fuck?" I was in my kitchen with my wife. She held baby Nel in her arms, and I was leaning in to kiss her. I leaned forward to press my lips to hers and I fell forward. She was gone, and when I opened my eyes I was in a weird, white, sterile room. There was a round table and two chairs. One door and no windows. I suddenly felt really fucking claustrophobic.

"Hello, Dean. It's almost time."

I turned, recognizing the gruff voice. "Cas? You literally ripping me out of the arms of my wife?"

Cas blinked numbly at me, and I turned again, feeling eyes on the back of my head.

Zachariah smiled at me. I'd met the angel a few times, and he always gave me the creeps. The gray whisps coming off his head seemed to float, like he was electrically charged at all times.

"Hello, Dean. You're looking fit."

"Well, how 'bout this? The Suite Life of Zach and Cas." I stared at the two angels. It was like talking to a fucking wall. I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh. "It's a... never mind. So, what is this? Where the hell am I?" I gestured to the room.

"Call it a Green Room. We're closing in on the grand finale, here. We want to keep you safe before showtime." He snapped his fingers, a few beers and a pile of bacon cheeseburgers appeared on a large platter. I raised an eyebrow. If things didn't smell so fucking fishy I'd be stoked. I realized, with a growl of my stomach, that I couldn't remember the last meal Ava and I had that didn't consist of just black coffee. "Try a burger. They're your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were 11, I think."

"Not hungry."

"No? How about Ginger from season 2 of Gilligan's Island? You do have a thing for her, don't you?"

I gasped dramatically. "Zach, I'm married."

"We'll throw in Mary Ann for free."

I rolled my eyes. This dude was fucking weird. "No, no. Let's... bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is."

"Let us worry about that. We want you... focused, relaxed."

I flexed my hands at my sides. Ava was going to be seriously worried. I felt my pants pocket. Empty, of course. My phone was on the kitchen counter. "Well, I'm about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, Chuckles."

Zach clasped his hands with a sigh. "All the seals have fallen. Except one."

"That's an impressive score. That's... that's right up there with the Washington Generals."

"You think sarcasm's appropriate, do you? Considering... you started all of this? But the final seal... it'll be different."

I frowned, not liking being reminded of Hell. Keep me comfortable my ass. "Why?"

"Lilith has to break it. She's the only one who can. Tomorrow night at midnight."

I stood up a little straighter. It was time. "Where?"

"We're working on it."

"Well, work harder!" I shouted. This guy was testing my patience. I glanced at Cas who was silently pressed against the wall, avoiding me.

"We'll do our job," Zachariah promised. "You just make sure you do yours."

I crossed my arms. "Yeah, and what is that, exactly? If I'm supposed to be the one that stops her, how? With the knife?"

I lazy smile touched Zachariahs lips. "All in good time."

I narrowed my eyes. "Isn't now a good time? You know, before she breaks the seal?"

"Have faith."

"What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should." I took a step closer to him.

"Because you swore your obedience. So obey."

I looked to Cas again, this time I caught him looking at me, but he immediately averted his gaze. What the hell is going on here? There was something they weren't saying. Something Cas wanted to say, but couldn't. He was an open book, that kid.

"I do want something, after all."

Zachariah raised an eyebrow. "Of course. What can I get you?"

"I want to talk to Cas. Alone."

Zachariah glanced at Cas, and groaned. "Fine. Castiel you have your orders." He pointed before snapping his fingers, and disappearing into thin air.

"You wanted to speak to me?" Cas asked, not stepping any closer to me.

"Yeah, man. I do. Listen, I need you to take me to see Sam," I said desperately. Something felt wrong, and I was worried. Ava was right, of fucking course she was. If it walks like a duck, it's probably a fucking duck, and the confined spaces of my new digs were making me feel like this duck had teeth.

"I cannot allow that."

I walked to him. "What's wrong with you? Of course you can. I just need to talk to him, Cas. Bring him here. I don't care."

"You want to speak to him after how your last conversation went?"

"That's exactly why."

"He is dangerous, Dean. He has consumed a lot of demon blood," Cas said gently.

I winced. I was hoping otherwise, but I wasn't exactly surprised.

"We need to protect him. We need to stop him from jumping into the ring with Lilith. If I can take her down... we have to help Sam before he gets killed."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I can't do that."

"So what? Am I trapped here?"

"Of course not."

"Then I want to go for a walk," I said flatly, eyeing the door.

"I'm not sure that's wise."

"What the fuck is happening, Cas? Just be a man! Just tell me!"

Suddenly Zachariah poofed back into the room.

"Christ, man. You don't know how to knock," I complained. "Let me out of here," I said right to Zachariah.

He shook his head. "Can't. It's too dangerous out there. Demons on the prowl."

I laughed out loud and shook my head. "Yeah, I don't buy that for a second. I've been getting my ass kicked all year. Now you're sweating my safety? You're lying. I want to see my brother."

"That's... ill-advised."

"You know, I am so sick of your crap riddles and your smug, fat face. What the hell is going on, huh? Why can't I see Sam? And how am I gonna ice Lilith?"

Zachariah sighed and rubbed his temples. Didn't know angels got headaches, but it seemed like I annoyed Zach into getting one. "You're not going to ice Lilith."

"Excuse me?"

"Lilith's going to break the final seal. Fait accompli at this point. Train's left the station."

"But me and Sam, we can stop..." It was like someone turned the lights on. Like I'd been sitting in the darkness. "Holy fuck. You don't want to stop it, do you?"

"Nope. Never did. The end is nigh,” he said casually. "The apocalypse is coming, kiddo, to a theater near you."

I clenched my fists, my daughter's face flashing in my mind. I've been so stupid. "What was all that crap about saving seals?"

"Our grunts on the ground...we couldn't just tell them the whole truth. We'd have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. I mean, think about it. Would we really let 65 seals get broken unless senior management wanted it that way?"

"But why?" I glanced at Cas. He was avoiding my eyes again. Fucking coward.

"Why not? The apocalypse? Poor name, bad marketing ya know? Puts people off. When all it is is Ali/Foreman on a slightly larger scale, and we like our chances. When our side wins it's paradise on earth. Now, what's not to like about that?"

"Sounds too good to be true," I said smugly. "What happens to all the people during your little pissing contest?"

"Well... you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. In this case... truckloads of eggs, but you get the picture. Look, it happens. This isn't the first planetary enema we've delivered."

Suddenly I was glad that my brother wasn't here. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was our only hope. "What about Sam? He won't go quietly. He'll stop Lilith."

"Sam... has a part to play. A very important part. He may need a little nudging in the right direction, but I'll make sure he plays it."

"What the fuck does that mean? What are you gonna do to him?"

"Forget about him, would you? You have larger concerns. Why do you think I'm confiding in you? You're still vital, Dean. We weren't lying about your destiny. Just omitted a few pertinent details. But nothing's changed. You are chosen. You will stop it. Just not Lilith, or the apocalypse. That's all."

"Which means?"

Zach smiled, causing my stomach to drop. "Lucifer. You're going to stop Lucifer."

I felt like the room was spinning. "Tell me something. Where's God in all this?"

Zach laughed humorlessly. "God? God has left the building."

I pulled back my fist, wanting nothing more than to knock this smug son of a bitch out, but he blinked away from me again, right as my fist was about to collide with his jaw.

I fell to my knees and shouted, slamming my fists into the stark white tile.

"Dean," Cas said weakly.

I looked up at him desperately. "What are you gonna do to Sam?"

"Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself."

"What's that supposed to mean? God, just say what you mean! For once in your fucking life be honorable. I know Ava talked to you about that. I know that's why you healed me. We have somethin, Cas. Don't act like you don't know it. You aren't like these cold bastards,” he said nothing. Blank, like a fucking statue. Maybe I was wrong all this time. "Yeah, well, fuck you too. Why are you even here?"

"We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this."

I pulled myself to my feet. "Sorry? That's fucking rich man!" I said, my fist colliding with his jaw. I needed to hit something. Anything. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hold my daughter. I wanted to say goodbye, because the longer I was here, the more I realized that I would lose that chance. "It's Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than sorry."

Cas sighed, not even moved by my hit, even though my own knuckles throbbed. "Try to understand. This is long foretold. This is your..."

"Destiny? Don't give me that bullshit. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families... My wife, my baby, my brother. Family. That's real. And you're really gonna watch them all burn?"

Cas finally broke. He raised his voice, poking me in the chest. "What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you, Dean. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace, even with Sam. Ava and Eleanor will be there, too."

"Don't you fucking say their names." I clenched my fist and shook my head, avoiding his striking blue eyes. "You can take your peace and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. Ava's always told me that anything worth having hurts. The idea of losing it can tear you apart, but that's what makes it worth having." I turned back to him. "This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it." He turned away from me, and I grabbed his shoulder. "Look at me, damn it! Help me, Cas!"

Cas paused for a moment before answering. "What would you have me do?"

"Get me to Sam," I said, desperately. "We can stop this before it's too late."

"I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed."

"If there is anything worth dying for... this is it," I told him, but he shook his head and sighed. "So, what? I offer to help you. You fuckers lie to me, and now I don't even get to say goodbye before you blow up the planet and for some cheap ass promise of paradise. I've heard it all before." I shook my head. "It's never what they say it is, Cas. One mans paradise is another mans Hell, and you know that I know all about Hell."

"Dean..."

"No, you spineless, son of a bitch. I'm done. We're done here."

The room was empty again, and I fell to the floor. I closed my eyes, wishing I could reach out to Ava. To pray to her like I could to the angels. Baby if you can hear me, I'm so sorry. I did what I thought was right, but I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong... again.

I hit my head against the wall a few times, wishing for some clarity that I knew wouldn't come. It couldn't come. Sam was going to die hunting Lilith. The world was going to burn. I wouldn't see Nel grow up, or kiss Ava again. When was our last kiss? I couldn't even remember.

Great.

Squeak. I opened an eye, to see Cas shuffling across the floor in his cheap, brown dress shoes. They made this annoying rubber sound against the tile. "What are you doing here? I told you to go. God, let me just be miserable in peace."

Cas ignored me, rushing to the wall, he took a blade and sliced open his hand. I stood up slowly as he started painting in his own blood. "What are you?"

Zachariah poofed in, almost as if an alarm went off saying Hello Castiel is rebelling, again, wee woo wee woo. "Castiel what do you think you're doing?"

Cas turned to Zachariah, holding his hand up to the sigil. The same one Anna had drawn so long ago. "I'm choosing honor,” he said before pressing his palm to the sigil, sending Zachariah flying out of the room.

"Cas?"

"He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now,” he said, his hand wound already healed.

"Where is he?" I asked, rushing to him.

"I don't know," Cas shook his head. "But I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith."

I frowned. "But Lilith's gonna break the final seal."

He shook his head, grabbing my forearm with a strength that I wouldn't expect from such a little guy. "Lilith is the final seal. She dies, the end begins."

—————

Chapter Thirty-One, We Would Always End Here

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[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

[staliasjeronica]

Riverdale 3.09 Thoughts *Spoilers*

- Choni ❤️❤️❤️ But “stealing from.the rich to give to, well, us” what? Cheryl… YOU’RE RICH. Give some of the money to the Serpents They need it a bit more than you do baby. BUT BITCH THEIR FIRST I LOVE YOU I’M—

- Five weeks of the quarantine… that would have made an INCREDIBLE story line? Seriously? It would have been amazing to see Sweet Pea being temporary king while Jarghead and FP were gone. But no… let’s just skip the good part? What the fuck kinda writing skips.a great plot?

- “All physical contact must be kept to a minimum?” um… literally WHY? There’s literally NO reason for that to be a rule? Also fuck off Moose no ones likes a tattle tale and we all know that you’re slumming it up with Kevin after school so leave my babies alone. Oh. it’s for the seizures? Really? Dude SEIZURES ARE NOT FUCKING CONTAGIOUS YOU STUPID FUCKERS OH MY GOD. Stop trying to keep then gays from being cute!!!!!!!

- The RROTC made the rules? Dude they don’t run the school lmao that’s NOT HOW THINGS WORK

- JOSIE SINGING!!! MY BABY VERONICA!!! UGH FUCK ME UPPPP

- VEGGIE. VERONICA IS LOOKING AT JOSIE’S INCREDIBLE SINGING WHILE REGGIE IS AWING AT VERONICA I’M—

-  Ew and then my mood is ruined by bughead waking up 😷😷😷

- Betty put all of those girl’s… in HER house? THE COOPERS CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES LET ALONE THOSE GIRLS. Also don’t they fucking have families? And yes, Betty, that scream definitely would wake up your mom because they have those motherly instincts and they’d think their child was hurt, so ofc she’s going to wake up.

- They want to play… G&G… are you kidding me? I kinda get that it makes them feel better because that’s how they had it in SOQM but still WHY? JUST PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC OR SOMETHING AND TAKE A BATH.

- Of course Jughead goes from his horrible leadership to “I left you too long” stfu right now your priority is the Serpents and who’s dealing the drugs (although I know who and uhhhh leave them alone he has to stay alive somehow)

 - They don’t even have an elected Sheriff yet? WHY? SHERIFF KELLER DIDN’T DIE DID HE? THEN FUCKING REINSTATE HIM??? IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD YOU STUPID FUCKS

 - “Maybe that means that Archie could come back home” wE KNOW YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM BETTY. Barchie!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

- Reggie ❤️❤️❤️ WOAH WHAT NO LEAVE HIM ALONE? HE ALREADY GETS ABUSED BY HIS FATHER! But aw Ronnie gets to take care of him I’m—

- Hiram really is trying to hustle his daughter wow so uhhh he does know that his daughter is the incredible Veronica Lodge, right? She’ll find a way lol we all know the queen can do everything

- “Has anyone ever told you you’re a badass?” Wow Reggie is so fucking into her I’m just 😭😭

- If Vegas gets hurt RAS will LITERALLY DIE.  I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AND I’M NOT READY FOR THIS. Also there’s no way Vegas wouldn’t have seen or heard the bear behind him but sure whatever. ARCHIE JUST BC SHE’S ZONING OUT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T HEAR HER. JUST DO WHAT SHE SAYS JESUS. Also how convenient that it suddenly doesn’t work.

- “They imprinted on me” Betty NEVER say that again that was gross as fuck. “But as their queen, they are your responsibility, not mine” bitch Betty can’t be a queen no matter how hard she tries, and she (nor Jughead) know how to take care of anyone but themselves so… Alice unless you want Betty to end up killing them, this is where you, as the mom, undermine her and take them to the farm. Of course I don’t trust the farm but it’s much safer than the Cooper house hold because they have the resources to spare, the Cooper’s don’t.

- Hey here’s an idea… since you can’t get to Hiram using the nuns because they took a vow of silence (cowards) then maybe… just maybe… OUT IT AS A CONVERSION THERAPY HELL SITE AND USE THAT INSTEAD? But we know Betty doesn’t want to save the gays so 😷😷

- I love Josie’s singing but why is she singing in an empty lounge? REST HER VOCALS.

- I used to love Hiram’s evil-ness but now he just shows up all the time and it’s getting annoying. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD END THIS FUCKING PLOT SO VERONICA CAN FOR ONCE GET HER OWN STORY THAT BETTY DOESN’T TAKE, THAT DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND HER FATHER OR A GUY. SERIOUSLY. They have so much potential with literally any other character but still decide to force Bughead and their separate characters down our throats. Like at this point honestly just kill them both off Jesus Christ

- Jughead… this is a gang… they’ve always sold drugs? At least, weed, but still? You have to take into consideration that you were gone, and they were placed under quarantine, and they needed money. You can’t blame any of them for dealing with Hiram you whiny piss baby. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

- God it bothers me that Jarghead is such a lowsy king. When do we get Sweet Pea overthrowing him? pLEASE WE NEED IT SO TONI CAN LEAD BESIDE HIM. Maybe Swangs (even though I know what happens) and Choni can co-lead the Serpents

- Cheryl speaking facts! AND MY BOY FANGS. Jughead had NOTHING to say to Fangs and FP had to step up and cover for Jughead, because he was right. What else are they supposed to do? Gangs are supposed to do bad shit? Jughead has done ultimate horrible shit and suddenly he’s going to act like a gang is supposed to be clean? Jughead do your research that is not what gangs do. Also, if FP is going to be at every fucking Serpent meeting maybe he should, you know, take his spot back. He’s a MUCH better leader than Jughead, even though I’d prefer it be one of the founding members like TONI FUCKING TOPAZ or something.

- I love how no one really does the “in unity there is strength” thing. Like, they know they’re being lead to slaughter basically and FP is just letting it happen. Also, they’re running the gang into the ground. There is no more unity because JUGHEAD’S STUPID POWER-HUNGRY ASS ISN’T DOING SHIT TO HELP THE GANG. Also also Betty looks so out of place and awkward there. Can’t wait for Archie to come back and for her to realize that he almost died and then realize she can’t live without him and that she loves him and finally bughead can split for good and barchie can rise

- If Veronica paid why the FLYING FUCK did they go after Josie? FucK OFF HIRAM

- Polly you had to say his name. LEAVE MY BOY ALONE.

- FANGS CRYING STOP STOP STOP MY BABY BOY NO NO NO

- “We could’ve helped you” JUGHEAD YOU LITERALLY JUST BANNED CRIME. THE SERPENTS HAVE NO MONEY WHAT ELSE WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? Also they can’t get mad at him bc this was before Jughead got back and did the stupid crime law like a hypocrite

- DUDE FANGS DID THIS BEFORE THE FUCKING RULE YOU STUPID FUCKERS? LIKE??? DO YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS?

- Oh Jughead has one brain cell left? I know he ends up being cancelled but he’s not… yet.

- CHONI BREAKING IN AND STEALING SHIT YES BITCH

- Why is Archie hallucinating playing G&G? Like doesn’t this mean he’s playing by himself? The fuck?

- Dead ass Cassidy telling Archie it sounds like his fault that all that happened, you can tell that this is Archie’s mind because he always blames himself for things that have nothing to do with him. Because we know that it’s definitely NOT his fault. None of it is.

- Cheryl just HAD to kiss the picture

- JERONICA. JERONICA. JERONICA. JERONICA. JERONICA. JERONICA. JERONICA. MY FANFIC IS COMING TO LIFE. JUGHEAD AND THE SERPENTS PROTECTING VERONICA YASSSSSSSSS

- I’m mad that they didn’t have Joaquin not actually die. Like, Sweet Pea and Fangs were close to him? They could have faked his death like what the fuck

- YES WE LOVE AND STAN LAWYER MCCOY

- How did Jughead know that Toni was involved? Cheryl was the only one who left a stupid calling card.

- THE TEARS WELLING IN TONI’S EYES STOP STOP STOP

- But he can’t fucking kick her out she’s literally a legacy. This crusty white boy needs to sit the fuck down

- Okay one, Cheryl why would you bring Fangs back into it? THE FUCK. Also, Jughead you can’t be disappointed in Fangs for telling SP even though you said not to tell anyone—best friend’s never count. 

- SWEET PEA STANDING UP. FANGS CRYING. “Some leader you are” YES FANGS WHAT A KING. SWEET PEA BBY OH MY GOD

- “And the rest of us don’t get to go back to Thistlehouse” says the disgusting whiny piss baby who gets to sleep in his girlfriend’s house, in her comfortable bed while his gang lays in cots or some shit in tents. Get off your mighty high horse, Jughead. God, now they’re switching roles… Betty is kinda becoming SLIGHTLY tolerable and now Jughead is being so fucking annoying. Go back to how it was please.

- JERONICA. AND VEGGIE. EXCELLENCE.

- So Archie standing over Hiram and shit was all a fucking dream? Really? COME ON. Lol Hiram has a point though because everyone goes in and tells him their fucking plans. OMG THE CALLBACK TO THE FIRST EPISODE WAS GREAT. CALL BACK TO BARCHIE BEING ENDGAME YESSSS.

- So if Veronica ended up smashing the egg… then fucking give Fangs, Toni, and Cheryl their spots in the Serpents back since it was all for nothing anyways.

- I’m glad Cheryl and Nana Rose are housing some fo the girls but WHAT ABOUT THE SERPENTS YOU GUYS HAVE A BIG FUCKING HOUSE. Why didn’t she house some of them there? I mean it’s ooc for Toni not to be thinking of her fellow Serpents why wouldn’t she be like “hey babe you have a lot of room here what if we help house some of the Serpents” but uhhh apparently not.

- Hey FP shut the fuck up with this “she’s still a Lodge” shit because you all know she doesn’t associate herself with her parents anymore. Remember “you don’t have a daughter” or…?

- Jughead brought up when FP worked for Hiram. Hell yeah! But him saying he wants Jughead to be a better king than him? BITCH YOUR SON DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO RUN A GANG. HE SUCKS. HE’S STUPID AND RUINING THE GANG HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? God never give your throne to blood family.

- Yeah, FP, you’re not made for the sidelines you’re made to RULE you stupid fuck. Maybe you should get back with Alice she makes you more stable and less stupid

- REGGIE’S LIKE “NOT THIS TIME BITCH”

- SWEET PEA WITH A BAT FUCK YEAH

- So… you threaten the gargoyle bitch but you don’t unmask him to see who he is? Are you fucking stupid?

- Wtf… he has to beat himself with a bat on his own bed? I am confusion… WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? THE BLACK HOOD AND HIRAM AND THE GARGOYLE KING HAVE DONE SHIT NOT YOU YOU BIG BAFOON. NO DON’T DESTROY YOU’RE GOOD HEARTED INNOCENCE. YOU’RE THE ONLY BRAVE ONE OF THE CORE FOUR. ARCHIE NO.

- If they make Archie unlikable the only good core four person will be Veronica.

- VERONICA SINGING ❤️❤️❤️ Oh fuck I know this song but I can’t remember where I’ve heard it!!!

- VEGGIE. SHE’S SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM I’M— HE’S SO ENAMORED WITH HER. VEGGIE KISS. Why can they make their chemistry shown on screen but Bughead can’t? Like both couples are even dating irl, too…

- JUGHEAD YOU PIECE OF SHIT. He only uses Sweet Pea or Fangs when he has something he doesn’t want to do usually because it’s too dangerous for him (whiny piss baby). DON’T MAKE MY BABY BOY GO UNDERCOVER HE’LL FUCKING GET HURT.

- I’ve literally never hated Jughead more nothing he can do can make up for what he’s done in this episode bye

- What the actual fuck. This is so fucking stupid.

- Archie isn’t dead. If Archie dies before bitch ass Betty or Jiggaloo Jones I will literally come after RAS. 

[quackspot]

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

[flawlesscharice]

Para || A Glimpse || 

Who: Charice, Trey Watkins 

Where: Charice’s House, Manhattan 

When: Saturday Evening 

What: We get an update on Charice’s life through a glimpse of her Saturday night

Charice was always working, always taking care of the kids, always taking care of her friends but tonight she had no one to take care of but herself. The kids were spending the weekend with Dylan and she had finished up a few meetings and emails early last night so she cracked open a bottle of wine, picked up her phone and made a call. Dating was never going to be her forte. She was never going to be great at it. She was a full time working divorced mother of 5 kids and she was just 28. She didnt have time for a man. At least that’s what she told herself when Trey Watkins walked into her life. He was a 6’2 tall drink of something model who she met during fashion week. She took one look at him and knew he was trouble. And after giving in to some shameless flirting and a kiss or two in Paris, she figured she would never see him again. And then he sent flowers to her office. And when she didnt respond, he sent more flowers until she had no choice than to tell him that she was a busy woman. She had fun with him but she had kids and a job and an ex husband. She didnt have time for a boy toy. He’d made it clear right off the bat that he wasnt a boy toy and he wasnt looking for some play thing either. He wanted pure, unadulterated love. Something that Charice had forgotten that she also wanted. So she gave him a chance. They went on a date and that date turned into a second date, which turned into a 7th date which eventually turned into them dating for 6 months. He was different than she was used to. He was kind and gentle and so funny she nearly peed whenever he made her laugh. And he respected that she put her kids and family before anything else. She was nervous to introduce her kids to a man when all they had known was Dylan. That was who they had seen her love and be with but with Trey it was different. She was nervous about how the girls would react. Especially Mariayah who still had a mean streak. So she was waiting for the right time to tell them that she was dating and falling for a man that wasnt Dylan. She would wait until a weekend when they were out of town and Trey would come over and spend the days with her, either in bed, on the floor, or wherever they landed after they got handsy. She thought things would slow down after dating for so long but nothing was slowing down, not yet anyways. And even better, her friends liked him. Santana wouldnt stop talking about how hot he was and Brittany would turn red whenever Charice would share the scandelous things they would do together. Even Chris was drooling whenever she brought him around. So everything was perfect. Except now, it wasnt. Because as much as she tried to forget that two people she loved the most had shut her out, she just couldnt. Trey came over and in an hour they were stripped, out of breath and sweating on her living room floor. Charice licked her lips and laughed, her eyes closed. “Am I a bad mom? My kids play on this floor.” “We’ll clean it up,” Trey smirked, sitting up and leaning against the couch. He gently caressed her bare leg and kissed the top of her knee. “You want some wine?” “Water,” she asked with a nod and watched him get up, not a stitch of clothes on him. She smiled in content, his muscular back glowing from the lights of the fireplace they were laying in front of. He looked just as good coming back as he did walking away, his confidence oozing off of him as he sat back down and handed her a bottle of water. He started to rub her feet, a small groan coming out of her mouth. “God, you treat me so right.” “Damn right,” he teased. “So wait, what was it you were texting me about yesterday. Your cousin was back in town?” Another groan. “Please,” she sucked her teeth. “I dont even know where to begin.” He nodded. “Well you told me about her dating your brother in law, which I’m pretty sure is incest.” “Shut up.” “And you told me that he was cheating on his fiancee with her and she disappeared but that was  it.” Charice nodded, taking a sip of her water. “That’s pretty much it. Except she came back. She was in Vegas or something with her ex-girlfriend and has been there for a year. I’ve been trying to talk to her, to reach out to her, anything. Cedes was like my damn sister. I loved her more than anything and she just dropped me like I was a bad habit… and then she had the nerve to come back and reach out to me for forgivenss. You believe that shit?” “Yeah… I do.” “What?” “Charice, you said her leaving was heartbreaking right?” Charice nodded. “So why wouldnt her being back be the opposite of that? Why wouldnt it be something that makes you happy? She left, yeah. And it was a bad bet but wasnt it you that told me you were over all the drama?” Charice say up, removing her feet out of his hands and cocked her head to the side. “This isnt drama Trey. They cut us all off because they’re fucking selfish. Look you dont know Sam and Cedes like I do. Their shit is nuclear and it sucks everyone in even if their lives are fine. And then we try and fix it and get our lives fucked up too. I’m over it. And I’m over them leaving and coming back and acting like shit’s clear now. Half of me is okay that she left. Like them being together is all kinds of bad news. They’re just the worst for each other.” Trey nodded, not meaning to upset her. He licked his lips and pulled her back over to him. “Come here, looking all mean and small. I’m not trying to step on your toes or nothing, okay?  I get it. Family is hard and they’re assholes sometimes but what do we have without family.” “More money, less headaches, less drama,” Charice listed, giggling as he kissed her neck. “No dummy, you’re supposed to say nothing,” he teased. “We need them, even if they are a mess.” Charice shook her head. “It’s her fault I have all these crazy ass white people in my family now,” she said, trying to hide her smile. “You love ‘em…. Nah but speaking of family… ” “Oh no,” she said, knowing where this was going and grabbing her blanket to wrap it around her. “Charice.” “I know where you’re going and you know where I stand.” “No, I know where I stand. I know how I feel about you. I know that I sneak around like a high schooler just to see you because you think the kids arent ready but Charice I feel like I only have half of you. I told you when we first started that I’m not in this for games and some ass every once in a while… no matter how good the ass is… but I want all of you. Even the parts you try to hide.” He reached over and tucked a stray curl out of her face. “You dont mean that,” she shrugged. “Men always say they want all of it. All of this but in reality all of my bullshit is insane. It’s not just kids it’s so much more.” “And I want it.” “No you dont.” “Hey,” he said, placing his hands on her shoulders and forcing her to look at him. “I’m not him. I’m not your ex husband who’s gonna hurt you and lie to you and hide from you. Look, you’re not the only one in unfamiliar waters right now. I’m not used to this. I’m not used to falling for someone this fast but what I do know is that I want all of you. If you really think the kids arent ready then fine, I’ll back off but I need you to think about the fact that it might not be the kids that arent ready for someone new.” “What?” she frowned. “I’ve moved on with my life. I’m ready for someone new.” “Yeah in your life but maybe not in your kids life. Look the last thing i want is to step on any toes. Talk to your ex and see how you feel about introducing significant others to the kids. Then think about what that might look like. Really think about it because once I’m in there’s no going back for me.” Charice sighed, searching his brown eyes and kissed his lips. “You’re too fine to be this smart.” “Rude,” he shook his head. “I went to school for engineering okay? I just happened to get discovered making some extra cash on the side. It’s not my fault.” “Ya damn right,” she nodded. “It’s your parents fault. And God. God did this.” Trey smiled, his perfect white teeth and dimples making Charice swoon. “Stop looking at me like that woman.” “Like what?” “Like you wanna sit on my-” She cut him off with a kiss, smiling against his lips as he kissed her back. “Bedroom. Now.”   She got up, dropping her blanket and practically ran to the back of the house. “Yes ma’am,” he muttered to himself, getting up and following after her.

[otakuprincess15]

In Black and White - Day 1: Soulmates - AU Yeah August

Day 1 – Soul Mate AU – In Black and White (@auyeahaugust )

Summary: At thirteen years of age, Marinette has never seen colors, but her parents' love inspires her to dream of it. Adrien’s life is devoid of the colors that he has heard so many people praise, and he isnt sure anyone in his home will ever see them again. Then one fateful day, two small jewelry boxes change both their lives in ways they never expected.

A retelling of the origins episodes.

You can also find it posted on my account on ff.net under penname- marauderluverz

Marinette Dupain-Cheng had only ever seen in black and white. Living in a world where you only saw colors once you found your soulmate. And even then, you could only see colors if you were touching them in some way.

She knew of colors, of course. It had still been taught to her as a child. And what shades of gray tended to correspond to the colors her parents and other people spoke of.

She was inspired by her parents love, and hoped that one day she’d be able to live like them. The couple constantly allowed their hands to brush while working in the family bakery. Sometimes she would walk in and see her mom resting a hand against her dad's back while he carefully decorated a wedding cake. Because of course at a wedding there would be a need for a colorful cake. More than half the people there would be able to appreciate it.

Marinette only hoped that one day, she would have something just as special in her life. After all, designing would be so much more fun with colors. Although, she supposed it could be successful without them too.

Gabriel Agreste had managed as much. Marinette's favorite designer had lost his wife in recent years and all the news reports had said this would be the end of his company, his brand. Instead, he had found inspiration in the monochrome. His designs had become bigger and better even without the color they used to have. The designs sold especially well with the younger generation. It was rare to find your soulmate before sixteen and so the preteen and teen clothing lines were quite popular.

And while Marinette frequently wished to find her soulmate so she could see colors too. Or if she couldn’t have her soulmate yet, for something exciting to happen in her life. This wasn’t exactly what she meant.

She hadn’t wished for one of her classmates to transform into a strange rock monster. And she hadn’t wished for that monster to attack their city. And she most definitely hadn’t wished for a strange bug-mouse creature to appear in her room.

She stared at the strange creature that had appeared out of the jewelry box. It was a… kwami she had said? But what the heck was that even?

“I'm your friend, Marinette. You must trust me,” Tikki told her, “You’re the only one who can stop Stoneheart.”

Marinette shook her head. “This has to be some mistake. The only super power I could possible have is super-awkwardness.” She thought for a moment. If we need a superhero…

“I know! Alya would know. At least, I think she would. She loves superheroes.” Marinette nodded, “She’d totally be up for the job. You should go see her.”

Tikki flew closer, “Marinette, you’re the chosen one.”

Marinette had given in, she had put on the earrings and transformed (albeit by accident) into a superhero. And now she was using a yoyo of all things to swing across Paris.

She yelled as she flew through the air. I knew this was a mistake! I’m gonna crash and die now and-

CRASH!

Marinette’s eyes stayed closed as she felt her body smack into something that surprisingly wasn’t the cement. She opened her eyes to find she and whoever she had crashed into were tangled in her yoyo and hanging upside down.

She looked at the person and found herself staring into the most vivid eyes ever. Except, she could see colors. She wasn’t exactly sure what color his eyes were, shed have to check a color chart later, but that wasn’t what mattered now. What did matter was that she was sure his eyes were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The color made her feel like bolt of electricity had struck her. She took in his hair, the sheer brightness of it made her feel warm inside.

She glanced down and saw that her suit was red. That’s what Tikki said it would be. She looked back up to find that the boy she was currently tangled up with was staring at her, his eyes wide. Well, that was fair, she had just crashed into him.

Adrien had known how awesome life would be as soon as a little cat creature had appeared in his room. Being a superhero was a dream come true. But now something even more amazing had happened. He had found his soulmate and she was beautiful. The way her eyes sparkled in the sunlight. The shock of her costume’s boldness. Beautiful.

He helped them both down from the tangled yoyo and was disappointed when his vision turned back to black and white.

“So, you must be the partner my kwami told me about. I’m…” he thought for a second. “Chat Noir. Yeah, Chat Noir. What’s your name?”

He fought the urge to touch her again. Obviously, she was still adjusting to everything, he didn’t want to freak her out.

“I'm M-” she tugged on the string of her yoyo, until it came loose suddenly, swinging through the air and promptly smacked him on the head. She pulled it to her. “Madly clumsy. I’m so clumsy. Sorry.”

He laughed, “No worries, Clumsy girl. I’m still learning the ropes myself.” He paused for a moment, unsure how to bring up the color that had flooded his vision moments before.

“Did you-” they both started at the same time.

“Sorry.” Both of them again. He could only smile as he gestured for her to talk.

“Did you see what happened just a minute ago?” She asked.

Adrien's smile grew. “So it wasn’t just me?” he held out a hand to her and waited for her to accept it.

Marinette stared down at the black clad hand. She knew now that his costume was actually black. But the thought of taking hold of it scared her. If she did, and if her world filled with color, wouldn’t that mean she’d just found her soulmate?

Her eyes darted up to look at his face and she saw that his smile was fading into an uncertain frown. He pulled his hand back.

“It’s all right,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Everything’s kind of happening fast.”

Marinette nodded sheepishly. Did I really just refuse to hold my soulmate’s hand?

She didn’t get another moment to dwell on it though as the next moment there was a crash as a nearby building toppled.

Chat extended his baton, bounding off in the direction of the crash.

“Where are you going?” she yelled after him.

He glanced back. “To save Paris, of course!”

She stared after him before looking down at her hand again. “Trust yourself. Trust yourself.”

Then she flung her yoyo toward the nearest building and screamed as it pulled her along.

“Pound it!”

The moments their hands touched the stadium lit up in color. And even though she expected it to, Chat Noir’s hand didn’t linger against hers.

She opened her mouth to apologize for before but Chat's ring beeped again as another pad disappeared.

“You need to go before you transform back,” she told him.

He nodded, “See you later Super Bug!” he called out as he leapt away from the stadium.

Marinette stared down at her hand. “See you, Chat Noir.”

The next day at school, Marinette was fuming after her interaction with the new kid in her class. She was already having a rough day after finding out that she hadn’t purified the akuma properly and had therefore put Paris in more danger. But to then come to school and find she would have another bully to worry about was too much. Adrien Agreste seemed every bit as stuck up as Chloe. No wonder they’re friends, she thought to herself as she sat in class.

It was too bad too. With her love of fashion, she was sure they could’ve been good friends. They would’ve had tons to talk about.

Marinette glanced at Adrien. She watched as his eyes flicked in her direction and she quickly averted her gaze with a frown. It really was too bad.

The following day, as Adrien watched Ladybug give her speech atop the Eiffel Tower, he found he couldn’t be any happier that she was his soulmate. She was… miraculous. He smirked at his mental pun.

“All right, Chaton, time for us to go.” She waved before spinning her yoyo to swing away.

He reached out and grabbed her shoulder. “Wait! Shouldn’t we talk or something? We just found out we’re soulmates.”

Ladybug fidgeted, uncomfortable with how green (she’d since remembered that that’s what the color was) his eyes were. “I- we can’t right now. We have to go before we detransform and I don’t know that I’m ready for us to reveal our identities just yet.”

Adrien nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. “Right. That’s fine. No rush, My Lady. We can talk next time.”

And with that, Ladybug took off into the Paris skyline, leaving Chat to wonder when they'd see each other next.

Adrien walked into class feeling great. They had successfully defeated their first akuma, his dad had decided to allow him to attend public school, and he had found his soulmate. Even if she did seem a bit… reluctant. She'll warm up to me eventually.

He stepped into the classroom and waved to Nino. Then with his hand still raised, he greeted the girls sitting behind them. He watched with dismay as Marinette turned away with a huff.

And she’s still mad at me, he thought, dropping into his seat with a sigh.

“Dude, you wanna make friends, right?” Nino asked. “Then talk to Marinette about the chewing gum.”

“But what should I say to her?”

Nino smiled, “Just be yourself.”

Adrien tried all day to find a moment to talk to Marinette, but she did a good job of avoiding him. He groaned as he threw his books into his bag. “Plagg, how am I ever going to fix things with Marinette if she won’t give me the chance?”

Plagg floated just inside of the locker. “So what? Who cares about pigtails girl anyway? Let’s go get some camembert.”

Adrien rolled his eyes as Plagg zoomed inside of his bag. He stepped out of the locker room realizing he was one of the last people at school for the day. “I guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.”

So, the last thing he expected, was to walk out the school door and find Marinette standing just under the awning.

Now is my chance.

“Hey,” he greeted, giving a small wave.

Marinette turned away and Adrien looked down. Guess not.

Adrien pulled out his umbrella. “I just wanted you to know, I was only trying to take the gum off your seat, I swear.” He watched as her eyes were trained on him. “I’ve never been to school before. I’ve never had friends. It’s all sort of new to me.” He shrugged, then turned and held out the umbrella toward her. One last chance to get her to see I'm not a bad guy.

He watched her eyes widen at his gesture. Then her hand reached out slowly to take the umbrella. And when their fingers brushed, the first thing Adrien saw was blue.

“Chaton?” she asked.

Adrien couldn’t help his grin as he answered. “My Lady?”

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.