#—ciella's drabbles

[stargirl-writes]

aftermath

padme amidala x anakin/vader

angst, rated m for some dark themes. [ptsd, dissociation]

where in padmé amidala chooses to live for her twins.

literally started writing this drabble bc of this art ! not proofread! just word-vomitted these so if the plot is incoherent, no it isn't!

perhaps, this story would've ended along with anakin dying on mustafar.

not long after, padmé amidala delivered her child, well children. luke and leia.

despite the blinding pain of childbirth and her breaking heart, padmé's resolve was strong.

she needs to live for her children.

the moment her children were born, all connections she felt with the force severs.

the detachment made her feel blind, she hasn't even noticed how much she relied on that invisible string that without it she feels lost.

but looking in the eyes of both her children, she knew she needed to stand strong.

padmé was decisive, reacting with every situation in her life with a well-thought action.

her years being queen has trained her to always act now, feel later.

so, it was a blur, how shortly after giving birth, she was able to contact senator bail organa and the queen to ask for refuge.

naboo wasn't even an option. it felt like she'd regress into a place she can't relate to.

every memory she had with her loved ones, with anakin, all stained with bitterness and some sort of hurt.

especially now that the republic was overthrown by an empire led by palpatine. naboo would be the first place they'd go looking for her.

bail organa offered a place for padmé and her children.

padmé didn't miss the excitement of the pair over her little girl. they've always wanted to have a child, too.

it was padmé's idea to create a public funeral.

the queen amidala needed to die along the republic.

it would protect the babies from anyone ever intending to look for them.

quietly, she grieved for the person that she once was. daughter, lover, queen, senator.

and her heart broke all over again as she realizes that no matter how hard she'll try, she'll never be able to provide the life she wants for luke and leia.

in aldeeran, padmé finally let herself feel.

the weight of it, it feels like if she stops holding on, she'd crush underneath.

she tries not to think about how much she contributed to anakin's downfall.

she's seen how those aspects of anakin would slip from time to time. the slightest hints of the parts of him she didn't think would consume him.

it's always been there.

had she made some decisions differently, perhaps this wouldn't be the future she is facing.

some days, she'd catch herself slipping...

she'd blink and she'd find that the day has passed and she'd remain frozen on the same spot as she were.

at first, she didn't want to believe it, must be some trick her mind was doing.

of course that's easier to stomach than to admit that there's some irreversible damage that came.

what was important was the wellness of the children.

she'd convince herself she'd have captured stars so she can give it to them.

the empire grew more everyday as did the children.

leia was starting to look like her more and more, padmé wishes her mother could've met her.

and luke inherited every trait anakin had. it startles her sometimes, to look at him and find traces of anakin still living.

because anakin was gone. he left. and all there is for her now is to live on.

a small group of senators were beginning to spark a resistance.

around this time, the children were beginning to talk.

padmé was firm in teaching them to never speak her name in public.

in another life, perhaps she'd be teaching them the names of the flowers that grew in naboo.

but in this one, she has to teach her kids to forget she was their mother when talking outside.

leia had understood this little game, and got on to calling her 'paddie', while luke had never really stopped calling her mama.

when the kids went to sleep, she'd weeped, for this is not how she had envisioned raising her children to be.

she was supposed to be having these moments with anakin.

this... hypervigilance, it never really would go away. especially since force-sensitive children are being hunted everyday.

the queen and bail organa would do best to have padmé involved with the resistance.

padmé knew this was them trying to keep her old self alive.

which made her dislike it more— because it felt like she was becoming less and less of who she once was.

she did fight then. she'd risk everything to make sure that the senators don't forget who the people they are supposed to be serving.

she has different priorities now.

looking back at it, she realizes, she played right into the part the emperor laid out for her.

did any of it ever matter?

stepping into the role of queen prematurely, hiding her love, trying to be the voice of reason in a room filled with people who have gone so tone-deaf. did any of it change anything at all?

she blinks and she finds that it already had been dark and leia was standing in front of her with teary wide eyes.

"what's wrong, my baby?" padmé kneels down to the little girl.

"you won't wake up, mama" her little palms were on padmé's cheek.

padmé's breath hitches as she realized, she must've gotten lost again.

it was getting harder to control when her thoughts appear. she'd tell herself to focus at the task at hand and not think about how worried she was about it, she doesn't have to worry so much, all of it was in the past. no one was going to take the children. she should stop thinking about someone taking the children—

she pauses and bites her cheek, forcing herself to not cry in front of leia. who had to witness that. who was so scared she started crying.

"it's fine, my love, i was just having a dream" padmé kisses the girl's forehead.

with inquisitors hunting down the galaxy, padmé knew she had to teach her children about the force.

they were barely nine. and padmé had to break it down to them as if she can sum the world in a bedtime story.

they thought it was some sort of magic.

luke was starting to say some things that would terrify padmé.

she told them how their father died a hero. she'd spare them the truth of him until they are a little bit older.

and luke would say that he's not gone.

meanwhile, leia had gone around the society of aldeeran.

padmé will never come back again. she hardly ever hears her name anymore. (if not for the organas)

no one really knew she had survived except for them, obi-wan, and yoda.

in the beginning, padmé refused to let leia be seen in public.

it felt like inviting this new sith lord to come at her own doorstep.

but then the queen insisted that under their roof, leia would always be protected.

the queen has grown so fond of leia. and with padmé playing the strict parent, leia would go off to the queen.

but leia should get a chance to live normally, no matter how little of it she is given.

in aldeeran society, leia had been the organa's adopted daughter.

there was still a little wince whenever leia says her new name...

but at least, the little girl's lonely eyes sparked once more.

and it broke padmé's heart all over again.

of all the things she can't give her. all the things she should have.

one time, luke and leia had been outside the castle walls.

padmé had disguised this new lesson as a game. a play of cat and mouse.

leia was agile. and she has a habit of climbing trees.

luke was instinctive, and always found his way to his sister.

it was padme's turn, hiding from the twins when she peaked and found that both the kids had tripped over the string she laid out.

she quietly chuckles at the sight, they should learn to never let their guard down! anakin would've loved doing something like this, yes.

luke had quickly gathered himself and he helped his sister back to his feet. they had strategized that their mother would approximately be where padmé was hiding.

the kids were growing so fast— padmé felt as though she already knows the people they will be.

it was painting in her brain. leia; quick-witted, discerning, a bit stubborn. and luke; kind-hearted, compassionate, and loyal.

she was already proud of who they'll be. they only need to stick together. then she might finally get some peace.

minutes passed by and padmé was beginning to worry because the twins' footsteps trail away.

her blood drops when she heard leia screaming.

she ran towards the source, finding a lone luke weeping.

"they took her!" he cries

padmé kneels down to take the boy in her arms.

despite her racing heart, she forced herself to remain in tact for luke.

"who did, luke? who took leia?"

padmé was ready to storm off when the queen informed her of the possible reasons leia was taken.

bail implores padmé to pause and think about what would happen if she went finding her daughter.

it would reveal her. it would reveal the twins.

"i can't... if anything happens to her" padmé's voice was failing her. she looks over the couple to find luke had been listening.

"maybe it's time we call on someone fit to face the inquisitors" bail suggests.

and obi-wan appears the next day.

padmé has long accepted that obi-wan had to do what he has done.

but of course, the sight of him still stings. everything she could have had if he stayed in the ship for just a little longer.

but all that's past now. because she needs his help.

obi-wan left soon after. padmé had held her breath ever since.

the empire has never shown any mercy to innocent children. leia would not be spared.

luke had come to her bed late that night.

the little boy had started apologizing, his words incoherent.

he said that he should've just stayed with his sister so she'd still be here.

and she held her son, reassuring that it was never his fault.

it hauntingly reminded padmé of when she held anakin after he started blaming himself for shmi skywalker's death.

the next morning, bail organa was the one to tell padme that theed has burned to the ground because of darth vader.

and that leia was with obi-wan on the way back.

her anguish was superseded by relief when leia returned.

along it was obi-wan's guilt-ridden eyes when he said—

"anakin's alive"

am gonna continue this thought later plss i have so much what ifs for this!!!

[amarmeme]

Rare pairs to love!

Creators have been revealed for the @black-emporium-exchange — if you haven't looked at the collection, go do it! I received amazing gifts this year, and want to make sure they get more attention and love.

Le Petit Mort by Toshi_Nama Dusana Helmi/Varric Tethras, T, 1.1K

Just when are assassination attempts foreplay? ...just when does seduction become an assassination attempt? Ah, the questions Varric must ask himself.

The rarest of rares. But I loved it! Toshi took some minimal scrap of DA2 dialogue and created a wonderful backstory and voice for Dusana and really nailed home what it is we love about Varric. I need more Dusana (sobs). Go read!

7:00AM by @hollyand-writes Caver Hawke/Merrill, E, art! My soul flew out of my body for a moment upon opening this. I just love this ship so damn much and Holly delivered. Honestly, it inspires me so much. I feel like these two are such a good pair for modern AU. And smut. Definitely smut.

Never Fall Apart by Dawnstone Abelas/Female Lavellan, G, Aralthan AU, 3.6k This was rated G, but it is basically porn for people who enjoy world-building. I am so into this exploration of Arlathan, the Temple of Mythal, Lavellan's role, everything was fascinating and curious and thought-provoking. Thank you!

Advisors by Ciella Leliana/Cullen Rutherford/Josephine Montilyet, M, art! Another art that stole my soul; I am flailing over this one. Soooo gorgeous and we love a war table sammich. The expressions and poses and just everything about this art screams DIVINE. Twin Souls by @cathyfowl Dirthamen/Falon'Din/Female Lavellan, T, drabble YOU ARE A TEASE of the highest order. Ahem. I loved this drabble and again am struck with wanting more, more, more. Cathy's ability to pack so much in so little is admirable, and I really dig the imagery she evoked.

[carefulicarus]

I have promised @nomercypercy a drabble, so a drabble she shall have!

This one takes place the night Illenya left home - her last night in Caenlan. 

She slammed the heavy, oaken door shut, using all of her magic to force it closed. She cried and screamed, having a “typical, rebellious, teenage meltdown,” as Ines had put it, ushering concerned servants away from her room. Illenya broke the mirrors on her wall and knocked over her dresser, but it wasn’t enough. After an hour of pure rage, she collapsed, exhausted, in the middle of her destroyed room.

She knew they didn’t want her. That much had been made clear, after tonight.

“How dare you?” Ines had screamed, grabbing her by her hair. “You are a shame upon this family. You will marry Silas, and that is final. For once, you will do as you are told!”

Ines threw her down and stormed out of the parlour. After a few moments, Illenya forced herself up. Struggling, and bleeding for her split lip, she stood at her full height.

“Grandfather?” she asked.

Orvon had always been the more lenient of the two, the one to sneak her sweets and encourage her studies. He was kind – but not today. He approached her, slowly.

“Prove your worth.”

With that, he was gone. 

She thought she knew him. She remembered many years ago, a moment in the orchard, at their summer estate. A moment when he had explained that a lot had happened to him and Ines, and that Illenya was their shining glory, their redemption. But that was a tall order to place upon a seven-year-old girl.

Illenya held her tears, walking purposefully into her room. The second the door was shut, she broke – leading to this moment.

She lay on her side amongst the broken furniture and strewn clothing, feeling sorry for herself.

Eventually, she had fallen asleep. She awoke briskly, someone shaking her.

As she awoke, she saw face of Ciella, the kitchen maid. Rubbing her eyes, she sat up quickly.

“I’ll clean it tomorrow, I swear” said Ily, the fear of her grandparents outweighing her rational thoughts.

“No, child,” Ciella said, cradling Ily’s face in her hands. “You need to go.”

Ily was shocked. How could this woman, a mere servant of Lord Orvon Dellanova, Advisor to the King of Averis, be telling her to disobey them?

She shook her head, confused. “Ciella, I couldn’t”

“You can,” she insisted, pulling her up. “Listen to me,”

Ciella pulled Illenya into an upright position, forcing her to meet her eyes.

“Many years ago, I had a dream. Not a normal dream, a dream that came to pass. Ever since then, all of my dreams have come true.

The day your grandparents brought you home, I knew you were destined for greatness – but I also knew you were destined for suffering. As you grew, I wanted to help, but I knew I couldn’t. Through all of the pain, all of the shame, all of the voices in your head… I knew it was happening for a reason.

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, Illenya,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes, “but I knew I had to let this happen. You are going to do amazing things.”

Illenya felt confused, but let her lead her from the house. Ciella took her through underground tunnels, eventually leading to the port, where a commissioned charter ship was waiting for her.

Ciella gave her some gold and supplies and smiled, laying her hand on her cheek.

“Go, child. Save the world.”

With that, she was gone. Illenya was left alone.

She approached the railing of the ship, glancing down at the waters below.

“Are you ready?” a sailor asked her.

“I am,” she said, smiling towards the sun.

With that, the ship left port. Ily looked towards the dock. One moment, she could see Ciella, waving her goodbye. The next, she was gone.

Illenya tucked a piece of her blonde hair behind her slightly pointed ear and looked towards the horizon. This was the beginning of a story.

With that, she smiled, taking a new notebook and pencil from her bag. She planned on recording every moment. She didn’t want to miss a thing.