#רוב הדברים פה זה כאילו לזיין תשכל באופן לא

[brainpoo]

I think I'm finally gonna kill myself, I've struggled with... Well a lot, and it kept changing for years, the reasons may be, I've wanted wanted to die for 5~ years now, I remember as a kid I even told to my mom I wanted to die but I don't think it was like that with the years later

All the problems I had, I thought of a lot, some of them i studied how to improve, I'm a person who reads a lot of posts of people giving advice and I took for me what I could to be better, despite (maybe because) having my depression and other stuff I've built with a LOT of work a... Good? Life? I have friends who love me, understand me, listen and care for me and I for them, I made the effort to get closer (from basically zero in how close to them I felt) to my siblings and parents, I engaged with things I love I was open I sometimes felt a little warm feeling and it was good (ish) and the struggle was real, the sadness was great and the want to die moved with me every year, but I tried to look at what people had to say for living, So many people said it gets better and talked about the beautiful things, which I looked for

I'm skipping at a lot of things but I don't really feel like writing anything I just kinda feel obligated because I've read so many stuff but I would love some input, I'm writing very weirdly so sorry about that it's like the middle of the night and I don't care about what happened anymore I'm just trying to give context?

So moving to now. I was incapable of talking for a long time when the serious problems started in 2020 and couldn't ask for a therapist (and I felt to guilty about the money waist) and when time moved forward I thought therapy will be no help at that point because I'm too self aware and too much to explain

And also when I can talk with my best friend because I was trying to not hide myself and it did help for the first 2 years until it didn't so

At the start of last year I was okayish and was finally done with hellscape of school and had 4 months before a mandatory army two years thing (which was kinda good it gives you time because starting adult life) and I even had a crazy weird good time when I was shooked to

Not wanting to die, I had the feeling of not having the feelings of wanting to die. Something bad would happen and I didn't know what to think because my response wouldn't be "I wanna die"

I still felt bad, but I didn't want to die

And when the army started I did my fucking best keeping it all, I've made all the effort to not lose contact with my friends, I talked with family, I watched shows, I drew, I animated every time I was home, I made weekend plans, I went to sleep early/on time, woke up and got organized, eat properly, made sure to drink water, exercise a little, stretched,... Did my best.

And with time I had a voice not stopping to scream in my head of "I can't keep living like this" so I thought fuck okay I'm giving it the try, I have reasons which are definitely valid why not to go to therapy, and why I didn't, and all the things they can tell me I probably know because I read tons of this stuff blah blah, with encouragement from friends who go to therapy, I started with one

I'm seeing a therapist for a few months, he's no help with anything and I do know everything and I need to die goodnight