#{ portia graham ��� thread }

[angeldcgs]

while many of her sexual encounters left much to be desired, that wasn't to say that portia had never experienced such pleasure or enjoyment before. her conquests were as varied as they could possibly be, which made sense considering just how many partners she'd had over the years. there had been times in which the chemistry with her partners was intrinsic, a natural pull to one another that didn't need to be discussed or rehearsed, and there had been plenty of instances in which, despite her best efforts, they simply couldn't get on the same page no matter how hard she tried. more often than not, those misfires had been during her time as an escort, seeing as the majority of her clients cared more about their own enjoyment than hers, but even when it came to regular relationships, she'd had her fair share of disappointments. the best sex she'd ever had tended to come when she was more deeply connected to her partner emotionally, so perhaps it shouldn't have come as such a surprise that she enjoyed kissing caelum so much. they weren't romantically involved, but they cared for each other much more intensely than just any old hook up she could've found at a bar or through a dating app— the foundation of their friendship seemed to only strengthen their physical chemistry. though his touch was still gentle, almost hesitant though she'd tried to give him permission to explore her body further, it still lit a fire within her that she couldn't quite explain, somewhat desperate to feel him go beyond the unspoken boundaries of their "rehearsal". there was only so far they could reasonably go while still claiming to be for the purposes of helping caelum practice for his date, but portia was only human. her body didn't abide by the same rationality her mind did, yearning for more than she was allowed to ask for, and it was getting harder and harder to hold herself back. he was tentative at best, almost like he was afraid to truly touch her, that shyness somehow only arousing her further. there was something corruptible about him, a quality most men his age didn't possess, and it seemed to be enough to pique portia's sexual interest. "of course," she breathed in between kisses, unable to resist the way her lips curled into a smirk. "you're a natural." hopefully her encouragement would inspire some sort of boldness in him, and it seemed to succeed in encouraging him to grasp at her thigh more firmly, a soft sigh passing from her mouth to his as she tightened her hold on his hair. her desperation could be directly attributed to how long it'd been since she'd slept with anyone, especially compared to her usual track record, but she wouldn't have been so eager had it been anyone but caelum. her kisses had turned feverish, almost desperate in the way she molded her lips against his, pressing herself to him so their chests were flush, sighs and soft groans mingling with the smacking of lips. she wasn't even cognizant of the way she'd began shifting further onto his lap until she was fully straddling him, and such a change in position caused her to press more closely against him, her actions faltering as she felt something firm pressed between their bodies. "oh..." of course, she should've expected as much from him. even the most experienced guys were prone to over-excitement with the right provocation, but for a novice like caelum, it was completely par for the course. "sorry, i wasn't— i didn't mean to..." unable to stifle her curiosity, her gaze drifted down to his lap, as if she would be able to see through the layers of clothing to ogle his erection directly. "do you, um... i can take care of that. if you want."

he may have kissed people before but never in the way that he was with portia, never with as much passion, verging on being lecherous. he'd had a few chaste kisses here and there, always sweet and careful not to overstep any boundaries and it was exactly that hesitation to cross a line that had led him to where he was, thirty years old and still a virgin. even if his date went well and allowed him to venture into kisses like the messy ones shared with portia, he didn't know what to do after that fact and so despite his tendency for abstinence warning against such touches, it was probably a good idea to learn how to ignore that gnawing little voice that promised safety in loneliness. it was a lot to process but in deciding to try not to think too hard about it and instead go with the flow, caelum was able to see how nice it felt to be close to someone. it might not have seemed like portia was doing much but she was the steady rock that he could rest against while he gathered himself, her assurance in the form of her kisses helped ease his fears that he was beyond help and instead not nearly as rusty as he believed he would be. it was one thing to not lose his nerve when sharing feverish kisses and a whole other when it came to actually touching portia's body. he half thought he might erupt into flames the moment his hand came to rest against her bare thigh but as warm as her skin might have been, he managed to maintain a semblance of composure and let her guide his hand in exploration. "oh! o-okay." he wanted to ask what she liked, if she preferred men who took a more domineering approach to her body or if she found something endearing about those who needed her reassurance. with all the stories she'd indulged him in previously, it seemed like it depended on the person, her desires changing things that moved and manipulated to accommodate whoever she was in bed with at the time. caelum didn't know how he wanted to be touched if given the options to chose from, both had their appeals though he was starting to see that similarly to how portia's wants could shift and change, he found himself eager to match whatever was wanted from him, his pleasure coming specifically from satisfying whatever itch needed to be scratched. her skin was dangerously soft, it tempted him for rougher touches that he couldn't give, not without feeling like he was taking from her more than she was actually willing to offer. "really?" she had no reason to lie, not when the whole point of them kissing was to make sure that he was ready for the so-called real deal. if he was too sloppy or too hesitant, he wanted to know so he could learn, not necessarily because he wanted to be good for his date, more so that such knowledge would help him feel like he wasn't as stuck in his ways. there was no time for portia to answer caelum, their lips found connect once more and he let out a soft hum of something akin to relief. a inch or two up and his hand would've been fully cupping her ass but he instead slipped it back down to safer territory and instead gently squeezed at the tender flesh of her thigh, a scandalous enough touch and one that would be replayed over and over again in his mind till he grew ill with guilt. it was almost too much to handle, how good it all felt. that steady warmth continued to grow inside him, bubbling up like something molten and ready to burst.

[mariacallous]

I got sucked into that Roxane Gay nemesis twitter thread and I can't get out because everyone keeps it going and guessing.

She has said so far that it is neither Lena Dunham nor Mindy Kaling.

She has said that her nemesis is "an actress who has also written a memoir and is popular but not ultra famous" and someone whom she "grudgingly respects".

So far the guesses for who her nemesis is are:

Ali Wong Anna Kendrick Lauren Graham Tiffany Haddish Anne Hathaway Judy Greer Camryn Manheim (though the tweeter misspelled her name) Busy Phillipps Tiffany Amber Theissen Aisha Tyler Phoebe Robinson Amy Poehler Sally Field Betty White Olivia Munn Tina Fey "the actress from sisterhood of the traveling pants" Chelsea Handler Ellie Kemper Stacey Dash Shonda Rhimes Gabrielle Union Padma Lakshmi Leah Remini Tyler Perry (but he had previously been named an nemesis apparently, as has Rachel Maddow and CrossFit?) Candace Cameron Bure Selma Blair Betty Gilpin Rose McGowan Cicely Tyson Jennifer Lewis Taraji P. Henson Viola Davis Reese Witherspoon Mayim Bialik Quinta Brunson Zooey Deschanel Casey Wilson Kristin Chenoweth Margaret Cho Dita Von Teese Portia de Rossi Jenna Fischer Drew Barrymore Jennette McCurdy Carrie Brownstein

I feel like this says more about the people who follow and like Roxane Gay on twitter more than about her.

[angeldcgs]

over her many years thrown into the deep end of the dating pool, portia had pretty much experienced everything on the spectrum when it came to kisses. there had been the awkward, overly eager, sloppy high school make out sessions in which neither of them could manage to match the other's rhythm, hands either greedily groping with no sort of finesse or too shy to do much of anything at all, the chaste, passionless pecks of a failed first date, and the frenzied smooches steeped in lust that served as a precursor to something more substantial— if anything, this felt like the latter. while she had assumed she might need to give him some more pointers here and there, beyond her initial instructions, she really didn't need to direct him much at all, seeing as he was doing a more than adequate job at matching her energy all on his own. of course she'd thought about kissing him before— it was something she couldn't help but imagine with practically everyone attractive she came in contact with, regardless of if there were any romantic intentions behind it. her eyes would be drawn to his mouth as he took a sip of wine, or went on some tangent about a new brand of glaze he'd been trying out on his work, and all of the sudden her imagination would run away from her, picturing what his lips would feel like against hers, how he'd taste. needless to say, the reality far surpassed anything she could've imagined. she could tell he used a quality lip balm consistently enough to ensure his lips remained smooth and supple, and the subtle taste of red wine on his tongue was even more intoxicating than the drink itself. things devolved from simple kisses to a full make out before portia even knew what was happening, unsure which one of them had been the first to push their limits. probably her, seeing as she'd orchestrated this whole "practice" session, but she couldn't be expected to maintain a level head when indulging in her body's need for more felt this good. it had been a while since she'd been intimate with anyone— perhaps not by caelum's standards, but a three week dry spell might as well have been a year's long bout of celibacy for portia, and she couldn't help but crave that physical closeness with someone. she said she'd help him practice, and she was doing just that. if the date was good, it could end in a kiss, or it could very well go even further, and he should be prepared for anything. even as they briefly paused their frenetic kisses in order to catch their breath, caelum providing her the confirmation that her shift in position was ok, she had the opportunity to rethink her actions, but she didn't want to. if anything, the break only made her want to go further, jumping right back into the swing of things and testing just how far she could go before he stopped her. eyes fluttering open, she was able to admire his features up close with their foreheads resting against one another, his eyes still shut, his lips smeared with her gloss and slightly parted to account for his breaths. her own curled into a slight grin as his hand ventured out for her thigh, a relatively chaste touch considering how their kisses had been bordering on obscene. "of course," she nodded slightly, letting her eyes fall closed as she placed her hand over his and helped guide it further up her thigh. "some girls like to be held here." their hands traveled up her thigh until she'd brought his broad palm to her hip, encouraging him to grip it gently. pressing forward, she dotted another sweet peck to his lips, just a brief moment of connection to soothe any potential nerves. "or here..." she continued the traveling of their hands just a few inches further, almost coming to grasp at her ass fully, but she stopped before he could reach truly salacious territory. "you're doing really well, by the way." having readjusted his hand to her liking, she returned her grip to the side of his neck, using that to draw him back in towards her lips while her other arm wound around his shoulder and pressed against his back.

the few kisses caelum had experienced throughout his life had all been fine. that was it though, only fine, never anything truly spectacular. he liked the idea of kissing someone but it was rare that it'd actually felt like he'd imagined it was supposed to, even when he kissed people he thought he liked and should've enjoyed being close to. there had been plenty of moments when he questioned whether he was merely broken, chasing after something he'd never be able to obtain, yet even after sharing two, small kisses with portia, his body felt engulfed in flames, possessed by the heat he'd been imagining himself as supposed to be feeling. she was yet to stop him and redirect his movement in any way so he assumed that he wasn't doing a terrible job, serviceable at least. maybe it was because he had such a good partner to help guide him. he'd imagined what it would be like to kiss portia countless times before but his imagination could never compete with reality. it was one thing to picture it and a whole other to actually feel her moan into his mouth or grip at his messy curls. all visions of the girl he was supposed to be practicing for vanished into oblivion, like she'd never existed in the first place and it had instead always been portia he'd been pining over, which wasn't far from the truth. he had been expecting nothing more than a couple of slow, gentle kisses to make sure that he hadn't let his skills get too rusty, yet before he realised they were kissing properly, swapping sticky, wet kisses like it were the prelude to something bigger to come. he was getting ahead of himself, too caught up in the excitement of getting to kiss her and having that gnawing need for affection fulfilled to see how they were both getting ahead of themselves. he heard reason for a brief moment after portia shifted closer to him, draping her leg over him till she was almost perched down onto his lap. where did they draw the line? how far was too far? she was helping him get back in the swing of things and wasn't it a good thing for him to get any anxiety over touching a woman out of the way so he didn't make a fool of himself on his date? it had been portia's idea in the first place, surely she knew what she was doing so caelum was quick to dismiss any ideas of moving away and instead let out a soft hum of his own before pausing for breath. "it's okay." he didn't dare open his eyes in case the sight of portia so close to him, heavy-eyed and mouth wet from their swapped spit, killed whatever nerve he'd managed to build up, instead choosing his rest their foreheads together for a moment while he steadied himself. "can i... is this okay?" hesitantly, caelum rested his hand on her thigh, positioned low enough that he could still consider himself gentlemanly but still more exploration of a woman's body he'd ever had before.

[angeldcgs]

if portia didn't push caelum, then who knows if he'd ever step outside his comfort zone. he'd spent so long keeping to himself, doing what felt safe and comfortable, he very well could've continued on that way for the rest of his life had their paths not crossed— he needed someone like her in his life, and she was just doing her friendly duty to help him improve the areas of his life he'd grown complacent in. their friendship might have seemed imbalanced, but she got just as much out of him as she gave. as she got older and found herself more focused on furthering her career rather than chasing frivolous hedonism at all costs, spending more nights staying in and studying or working double shifts than she did going out until the early hours of the morning, and as such, she was in need of peers who supported her change in lifestyle. she hadn't cut off any of her old friends, still able to catch up with them and indulge in their former brand of debauchery every once in a while, but the addition of caelum to her life was a welcome one. he was a calming, comforting presence, inspiring her to slow down and appreciate the simple things in life, always happy to just hang around one of their homes talking or merely existing in the same space. if she needed someone to help her study or bring her dinner when she didn't have enough time to get it on her meal break, he was more than down for the task, doing so without complaint, and without expecting something from her in return. their friendship was a relationship she'd come to cherish, and that was the main reason she was trying not to jeopardize it by introducing a romantic or sexual aspect. of course, her offer to help him brush up on his kissing skills was going against that very principle, but she would insist that it was a purely platonic act. the intent of the kiss depended on the context, and in this case, they were both well aware of its purpose, and so there was no danger of potential confusion or hurt feelings. just because she was conscious of the purpose of their actions, though, that didn't change the way they felt. her body reacted as if the affection was genuine, heart fluttering and temperature rising. her fingers carded through his loosely curly locks, closing into a half-fist as she grabbed ahold and used it for leverage to keep him close, pressing herself forward so their chests were flush. much to her satisfaction, he excelled at taking her direction, kissing her deeply with a passion that threw her off for a moment, knocked breathless while her mind went blank. she forgot what they were there for, acting on instinct as she used her other hand to cup his cheek, letting out a soft moan against his lips, almost inaudible over the smacking sound had it not been for the gentle vibration that passed from mouth to mouth. his fear of forgetting how to kiss couldn't be more unfounded— not only did he have the physical mechanics down, the emotion he brought to the table was almost overwhelming. even as her common sense returned in the form of a nagging voice in the back of her head warning her to tone it down, she yearned to get closer to him, unable to ignore her body's plea and scooting in impossibly closer to swing one leg over his lap, not quite straddling him, but almost. "tell me if it's too much..." she murmured against his lips, wanting to make sure he knew he could say no if he needed to.

“i do like it!” if porta liked it, then he was inclined to follow her lead. she knew what she was talking about and didn’t see the world through the same over analytical gaze as caelum, things weren’t nearly as worrisome as he made them out to be and it helped having someone around who could point that out. he only hoped he gave equal to what he took from her, it would be an awful revelation to learn portia felt used by him and his constant need for reassurance. he forced himself, yet again, to laugh despite feeling his already warm body grow hotter at an imagined scenario in which portia did try and further their relationship. if she did, caelum wasn’t sure what he’d do. even with her gentle reminder that kissing friends was no big deal, it was a step towards normalising that kind of intimacy and he should’ve been glad to have a hand to guide him before things got too serious- he was, alongside being anxious of how things could change not only for himself but for their relationship. “i’m not.” he lied, though the hesitant smile that graced his scruffy face let her know that he wasn’t trying to deceive her. besides, she knew him too well, it would be a fruitless attempt. as she scooted closer, caelum's eyes nervously darted around her body, from her eyes down to her legs which brushed up against his own, to the hand that was still cradling his to stop his nervous habit. she tried to keep eye contact but with what was about to take place, he found it far too vulnerable to manage. the best he could do was an occasional glance while she began to speak, her voice a soft, seductive hum that had caelum wishing to wiggle closer, a siren call of sorts. it was just a fantasy, a way to get him comfortable with being close to someone again and nothing more, that was what he tried to remind himself as he began to lose himself in the pretty picture that portia painted. he didn't dare look down at her hand laying flush against his chest, instead he brought his gaze up from her lap once more and let it settle on her lips, only looking up as she described the coquettish fluttering of her dark lashes. knowing it was all pretend was one thing, feeling it was another entirely and caelum was quickly realising that no matter how many reminders he gave himself, when it came to portia he had a soft spot that left him easily susceptible to her charms. as though he were hypnotised, he moved without realising what he was doing, inching closer to her mouth before pausing. his warm breath on her lips, his tongue occasionally peaking out to anxiously swipe across his bitten bottom lip, caelum tried to think about whether he'd ever wanted to kiss someone so badly before but drew nothing but blanks. if he went on his date and felt even half of the anticipation he felt about getting to kiss portia, then he'd feel at least a little better about clearly using the poor girl as a replacement for what it was he really wanted. as obedient as ever, caelum put up no fight as he was pressed closer via a gentle hand to the back of his head. their lips met, so softly he might not have even realised it were happening if it wasn't for the soft waft of her perfume bathing his senses. before he had a chance to fully embrace what was happening, portia pulled away, mumbled something that he couldn't quite hear with the sound of his own heartbeat echoing in his ears, then kissed him once more. he'd been afraid that he'd lost whatever skill he had when it came to kissing, yet with portia it came as easy as breathing, each pass of their lips a breath taken in and the next a soft exhale out, something essential and oh so taken for granted. unaware he was following what she'd said, caelum led portia lead with a few soft kisses first, then took control during the briefest pause to instead deepen the kiss. their noses bumped and their lips smacked with a soft, wet sound that bolstered heat deep in his belly; if this was what kissing was always meant to have felt like, caelum couldn't help but feel like he'd been doing it all wrong his whole life.

[angeldcgs]

as unfounded as it may be, portia didn’t fault caelum for his lack of confidence. it was easy to see someone objectively from an outside perspective, free of whatever insecurities he’d developed over his lifetime— that’s why she was constantly offering her opinion, reminding him of how he came across to others so that he wouldn’t become bogged down by his own poor self image. “we can take a new one to replace it if you don’t like it…” she offered, wanting to make sure he knew he was in control of how he would be perceived on the app. “personally, in my opinion, i think it’s perfect and you should keep it. but that’s just me!” it was hard not to influence his decisions, especially knowing just how much he valued her point of view, but she couldn’t help that he happened to take her word as law. if that’s what it took to build up his self esteem and help steer him in the right direction, then she’d just have to continue putting in her two cents until he no longer needed it. that’s just what good friends did, after all, much like how a true friend would help you practice kissing if you were feeling doubtful of your abilities. it’s not like it had to mean anything— she’d kissed plenty of strangers and never spoken to or thought of them again. maybe it wouldn’t mean anything for her, but for caelum who had likely only kissed a few people he’d deemed worthy of such affection, it would probably be a bigger deal. still, she believed the benefits he’d gain from a little refresher course would far outweigh whatever mixed feelings or confusion it brought about. maybe it’d even help him see that physical intimacy didn’t have to be so serious, and he’d have an easier time ridding himself of that pesky virginity that seemed to weigh so heavily on him. “i won’t try anything on you, don’t worry,” she assured him with a chuckle. not unless he wanted it, of course… as his self-appointed romantic and sexual mentor, how could she say no if he were to request a more in depth lesson? after a bit of hesitation, he eventually relented, and she couldn’t say she was surprised. he’d be a fool to turn down such an offer; regardless of his nerves, it was an opportunity he may never get again. “don’t be nervous.” reaching out, she grasped his hand and brought it away from his mouth, putting a stop to his anxious chewing as she soothed her thumb over the back of it. “there’s no pressure… it’s just us.” with his hand still in hers, portia scooted in further, eliminating the space between them so their legs were touching and continuing to gaze into his eyes. “well… everyone’s different, but if it were me, i’d want you to kiss me first. or, at least try to,” she spoke in a murmur, beginning to immerse herself in the fantasy. “i might get closer, like this… i’d find a reason to touch you somewhere.” with her other hand, she brought it up to his chest, glancing down as she plucked a piece of lint from his shirt and let her hand linger for a moment before dragging her gaze back up to look at him through her lashes. “i might look at you like this… flutter my lashes a bit. I’d look down at your mouth, maybe bite my lip…” her performance could be considered oscar worthy, but she really didn’t have to do much pretending at all. she was merely acting on what she’d been wanting to do for weeks, and only just now had permission to do. “you could lean in a little bit… not all the way yet. i like it when guys are a little shy, like they’re not sure what i want. so start to lean in, then lose your nerve a little bit and pause… and i’m impatient, so i’ll just…” moving slower than she would have had this been a real scenario, portia slipped her hand around to the back of his head and used it to draw him in at the same time as she leaned forward, their lips meeting in the middle for a soft kiss. “just a little one at first, just to get a taste,” she mumbled against his lips. “then when you find your footing, go back in for another. and another. and then a deeper one…”

it was embarrassing to have his insecurities be so well known, a key part of his character, even. he didn't want to be defined in portia's eyes by his flaws, yet he couldn't seem to be brave enough to argue with himself and determine a better solution that succumbing to that nasty voice of doubt in the back of his head. no matter how he tried to dance around certain topics, portia's straightforward way of addressing things made certain that he couldn't hide too much. "it's not that it doesn't look like me. it's- hard to explain." at least it was without confessing to his feelings for her, which he assumed they were well past ever having a discussion about. "i'm just being nit-picky, i think." he shrugged away the subject and tried to ignore how easy it was with the help of the couple of drinks they'd had for him to lose himself in the warmth that her compliments provided. the whole thing might have been easier if he only had one person to focus on, making a good impression on his date was important to him but he couldn't act as though it was even remotely as important as making portia proud. she'd helped him so much and if the date wet poorly then he'd take it as a misuse of all that effort she'd put in, a waste of her time and that was infinitely more scary to him. he smiled sympathetically and nodded, hopeful that they could divert the conversation into something a little less difficult for him to talk about. caelum might not have had many friends but he was certain that it wasn’t his loneliness that had isolated him from this supposed part of friendship he’d been missing out on. in his mind, kissing was a strictly romantic thing, platonic kisses on the cheek could be shared in certain occasions but the idea of kissing someone on the lips who he wasn’t in some sort of relationship with was astounding. once again, he was forced to swallow his embarrassment and play casual, like portia hadn’t turned his world upside down once again. “right, yeah. it’s just kissing.” she thought it was a good idea and she’d never steered him wrong before, it wasn’t like she would’ve even brought it up if she didn’t genuinely believe it would help him feel less nervous. fun wasn’t the word he’d use, mainly on account of worrying he’d appear too eager, yet it soothed the wounds of his doubts and made him feel a little less terrible about saying yes. there wasn’t another option, not really. he could turn her down, act like he’d survive without knowing what her lips tasted like but it’d be a lie. faced with her wide grin, there was little for caelum to do except give in. he could pretend that it was all for the sake of the success of his date, act like it didn’t mean anything and he was just happy for the help, he’d smile and thank her and try and hide how pathetic he felt in his inability to tell her that it was her he wanted to be with, not some random girl from a dating app. “i… okay, sure." he forced out a chuckle and brought his hand up momentarily so he could chew on his thumb nail while the logistics were worked out. “do we- should you start? i mean- or should i? what do you think would actually happen?”

[angeldcgs]

"i made you look just as good as you really are..." it wasn't hard to make him look good, anyway. he had all the makings of a modern heart throb already, he was just lacking the confidence, and that's all portia provided to boost his online presence. like a diamond in the rough, the priceless gem was there all along— she'd just provided the polishing. brows furrowed, she tried to assess what it was he was actually trying to say. for someone so reserved, caelum had a lot going on below the surface that she wasn't privy to, tending to keep most of his more sensitive thoughts to himself, and it left portia having to do a lot of guesswork just to try and understand him. though he tried to backtrack and brush off whatever he'd been getting at originally, she could tell there was still more on his mind, she just didn't know what exactly was bothering him. "what? you don't think it looks like you? you could roll right out of bed and go on that date without even brushing your teeth, i guarantee she's still gonna think you're the hottest guy in the room." his looks were far from the problem— nothing about him was a problem, per se, but she was confident he had nothing to worry about when it came to his appearance. he was objectively handsome in a classic sort of way, and that wasn't just her bias talking. if she thought too much about a hypothetical scenario in which his date wasn't satisfied with the way he looked, or anything about him, for that matter, she'd sour her own mood over nothing, so she didn't allow herself to think of that possibility. of course, imagining just how enamored the woman he'd chosen would be with him brought about hurt feelings of a different sort, but she'd gotten good at stifling those. "you won't," she insisted, trying not to think about them kissing in too much detail. "don't get too ahead of yourself and psych yourself out before the date's even started! at least pretend to have some faith..." the bright flush of his face told portia exactly how her offer made him feel without him even needing to speak, and she couldn't help but feel a little giddy at the fact that the mere thought of kissing her made him so flustered. not exactly her most selfless suggestion, considering how much enjoyment she'd be getting out of it should he accept, but if it ended up helping him do better on his date, then it was a win-win. "sure! some of them. depends on the friends, i guess, but it's not, like, inherently weird. kissing is just kissing..." it could be, if you had no feelings for the other person beyond platonic, and portia knew full well that hers extended beyond that. while she still couldn't be certain where caelum's head was at, he was about to go on a date with someone else, and so she figured that his affections were otherwise engaged. "you're not asking," she reminded him. "i'm offering. it's really not a big deal, i don't mind! i told you i'd help you with this whole thing, and i meant it." pulling a leg up on the couch and folding it beneath her so she could turn herself towards him more fully, she scooted in with a giddy grin on her face. "c'mon! it'll be fun! don't overthink it."

“i know but- but i can’t help but feel like you made me look better than i really do.” caelum’s insecurities getting the better of him was no surprise, but he was quick to speak up when his words failed to express what he was truly feeling. “not better, that’s not what i mean. i- i…“ he didn’t need to seek compliments and reassurance from portia when she offered them so freely, nor was he the sort to request his ego be stroked so consistently. “the photo she liked-“ the one where caelum looked past the camera at his photographer, his gaze so full of admiration. “-it’s amazing… i don’t know. i don’t know where i was going with that.” unfortunately, he knew all too well what he wad trying to say, rather that he couldn’t admit it without also confessing his disinterest with his upcoming date. he was worried he wouldn’t be able to look at someone the way he looked at portia; it was a valid concern to have, especially when she had photographed his fondness for her and given evidence of his affection. if he had to go on the date, he didn’t want to be comparing the two women the entire time, wondering if portia would act in the same ways as her, order the same food or give the same little giggle coyly over her glass of wine. he managed a small smile and nodded in agreement, though he still believed that kissing was a skill that needed to be practiced and it had been too long for him to comfortably say he was any good. “it’s not that i want to say no, i just don’t want to make an ass of myself.” it would be nice to share some intimacy with someone after so long, maybe it wasn’t how caelum had envisioned it to be but beggars couldn’t be choosers, if he wanted to rid himself of his prudish ways then he had to be brave enough to walk into uncharted territories. as portia brought up the suggestion of practicing kissing together, all the blood in his body seemed to make a beeline up to his face, tinting his cheeks and the tips of his ears in a bright red hue. “i- uh- do they?” if friends did kiss, he had never been involved in such a friendship before. maybe portia’s friends did, people who were more confident in themselves and the way the people around them perceived them, alas caelum was not such a person. saying he was surprised would be an understatement but he didn’t want to embarrass himself any further with his nonsensical stuttering, instead he cleared his throat and tried to act nonchalant about the idea. “you’ve done so much for me already, i-i wouldn’t dare ask for anything more.” it wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss her, in fact, he felt a deep shame about how much time he’d spent consumed with daydreams about what her lips might feel like against his own. it felt wrong to be tricking portia into thinking it was nothing more than some friendly help when he would be unable not to let his feelings for her get in the way.

[angeldcgs]

so maybe most of his success on the app could be attributed to portia— she still wholeheartedly believed she was merely helping him best represent his true self. she'd never want to turn him into something he wasn't, or have him portray some fictionalized version of himself just to get a date; he didn't need to, anyway. all she did was help him get over his nerves and offer a few suggestions which all stemmed from a place of genuinely wanting to help. having more experience with dating, and the perspective to know what it was women wanted out of a romantic or sexual partner, she had valuable insight to share with him, and it'd be cruel of her to withhold that when he so desperately needed guidance. at times it was difficult to put her feelings for him aside and give her unbiased advice, but she was trying her best not to be selfish. her most self serving act had been encouraging him to put his focus on women who were nothing like her— for some reason, the thought of him falling for a stand-in version of herself was too hard to stomach. the girl he'd ended up connecting with seemed nice, a suitable enough match for him, and portia could only hope that she knew just how lucky she was to have landed a catch like caelum. "why wouldn't you be what she expected? you look like your pictures." his conversational skills might be lacking due to his nerves, but a lot of women found shyness endearing, so it might just work in his favor. leaning forward, she refilled his glass before reaching for her own, taking a thoughtful sip as he began detailing his specific worries regarding the date. none of them were unfounded, of course, but she didn't think they would automatically lead to disaster. maybe she might even find his lack of experience endearing, just as portia did. "you can't forget how to kiss... you just— y'know... you do it," she chuckled, gesturing with her hand to make up for her lack of an explanation. "but you don't have to do anything you don't want to, you're allowed to say no. if she has a problem with that then she's an asshole, and you're better off without her anyway." his concerns were voiced so earnestly, trepidation laced in his tone, and portia's heart ached for him. if he could just wear a little earpiece during the date so she could feed him exactly what to say and do, she'd do so in a heartbeat, but he needed to do this all on his own if he was ever going to learn how to step out of his shell and get to know people. all she could do was try and properly prepare him before he went into the date, the gears in her head turning as she went to set her glass down and give him her undivided attention once again. "if you want, i could— we could... like, practice. since you said it's been a while since you've kissed anyone, i dunno... it might make you less nervous just to give it a go in a safe space." making such a suggestion had her heart beating that much faster, trying to keep her tone nonchalant so he wouldn't read too much into it. just a friend helping her friend practice kissing. nothing out of the ordinary about that. "it wouldn't have to be weird, or anything, i mean, friends kiss all the time. but only if you're comfortable with it, obviously! i won't be offended if you say no, it's totally up to you."

it was difficult to take any of the credit for managing to bag a date when without portia's help, caelum would've been undoubtedly left floundering, unable to word a sentence without coming across as romantically stunted as he truly was. it wasn't an attractive look, he didn't want to go on a date with someone who pitied him and therefore he had been forced to lean on his friend, her expertise in the field made it so he always knew how paint himself in the correct light and had, ultimately, been the reason he had managed to convince the pretty blonde who worked as a barista to have dinner with him. curled up beside portia, caelum shot her an amused glance, one that told her that he knew that his nerves were obvious and didn't need to be clarified. he sighed and reached out for the glass of wine, his second of the night, taking a short sip as he pondered on what it was exactly that he was so anxious about. nerves before a date were common and expected, though considering his lack of experience and frequent failures, it felt as though there was more riding on this next one being successful, if not only for him but for portia too. "i guess i'm... nervous about not being what she expected." his lips rested against the rim of the glass as he spoke, pink and chewed on and slightly pouted. after a moment of deliberation, caelum dipped the glass up and finished what was left of his wine before leaning forward to place his glass back down. he felt bad complaining about the same thing over and over again but there was little he could do to quieten down his own mind, portia had some special quality within her that made everything seem not so bad, simply being in her presence was enough to calm down the brunt of his anxieties though some still remained, chewing him around the edges, waiting to get to the soft core of his insecurities. "i haven't done this in so long and... i don't know... what if i show up and i'm not what she expected? what if she- she wants to do something and i freeze up? hell, i don't know if i even remember how to kiss." he tried to laugh to make himself appear a little less pathetic, though he knew that he couldn't hide the truth from portia. "i don't want her to feel bad because i don't know what i'm doing but i-i don't." he wasn't planning on getting laid on a first date, he still held romantic expectations for his first time, even if it wouldn't be quite how he'd first envisioned it, but there were plenty of things two people could do that weren't penetration focused and they all filled him with an equal amount of dread.

[angeldcgs]

it had been a little over a week since portia had practically forced caelum to set up his tinder account, doing most of the work to create his profile and coaching him through talking to his various matches, and already he'd landed himself a date. she shouldn't have been surprised, considering what a catch he was. the matches had come flowing in almost immediately, all sorts of people who would be lucky to have him, and though it had been her idea in the first place, portia couldn't help but feel disappointed that her plan had worked. her hidden gem was finally being recognized by more than just her, and she had no choice but to swallow her feelings and continue coaching him like she'd promised. as his friend, she was happy for him, but deep down, she couldn't help but wish she could keep him all to herself. such desires were nothing more than selfishness, which is why she was determined not to feed into them, though she still tried to remain an active participant in his love life. if she maintained some level of control, maybe it wouldn't sting so much to see him progressing his relationship with another woman— more than likely, it would only hurt more, being so close to the matter, but she just couldn't let it go. the night before his big date, she'd offered to let him come over for a little prep session, hoping to give him some pointers and tips to go into the date with confidence, when really she just wanted one more night alone with him before she sent him off into the world. they'd found themselves on her couch, just like always, some trashy netflix dating show playing on tv for background noise and a bottle of wine on the coffee table between their two glasses. her gaze remained fixated on him, drinking in his features with a fond expression on her face. "are you nervous?" she asked, her voice a comforting murmur. he didn't have to answer for her to know the answer was yes, though he had no reason to be. no matter what his tinder match was expecting, caelum was better than anything she could hope for. maybe she wouldn't see it; perhaps he wouldn't be able to let his personality shine in the way he had around her, but even at his most reserved, he was nothing short of endearing. really, he didn't need her help, but something in her derived a sort of thrill from feeling like he needed her. anytime he texted her for help responding to a message, or advice regarding which way he should swipe on someone, her heart beat a little bit faster, knowing he still relied on her opinion over all else. "i'm nervous! it feels like i'm sending my little baby off for his first day of kindergarten..."

there had been moments in which caelum debated just losing his virginity with whoever said yes to sleeping with him first, deciding that it would be a less anxiety-ridden life to not constantly be sitting on the anticipation of someone finding out about his secret and having to deal with the shame and guilt he cared over his lack of experience. he'd never managed to go through with it, he always came back to his belief that he wanted his first time to be special. it didn't have to be with someone who he ended up staying in a relationship with forever, he was a romantic but not so idealistic he couldn't see reason, but he wanted it to be with someone who he could look back at with fondness and love. finding that kind of relationship felt impossible on a dating app but he trusted portia, she knew what she was doing and she wouldn't lead him astray. he didn't see whatever it was in the photos that she felt was deserving of such heavy praise but he looked nice, better than he did in any of the photos he'd taken himself. a hoard of matches didn't sound appealing, if anything the idea felt overwhelming at best, though wasn't that the point of tinder? it was all so confusing, the best he could do was cling to portia for moral support and act like he wasn't rendered almost immobile with anxiety over the prospect of having to try and write about himself. he nodded weakly and walked back over, taking his phone from her after sitting down and staring at the black space where his description was to go. "god, i... i have no idea what to write." he shook his head and managed a small laugh. "i'm not very good at pitching myself." he'd had to write more professional biographies for work, small descriptions of who he was within a work environment and a brief description of his upbringing and how it had come to influence his art but he doubted that was the kind of thing that people looking for hookups were interested in reading. "do i- what sort of things do these people want to know?" he looked to portia for support. "you've been on these apps. what are the sorts of things you look for on people's accounts? what shouldn't i say, what-" before he could get too caught up in his rambling, caelum laughed again, caught up in the ridiculousness of the situation.

[angeldcgs]

though she had no real claim to him, portia couldn't help but feel protective over caelum, especially after learning of his virginity. it's not like she could control who he decided to lose it to, but he was in possession of a genuine gift, and he didn't even realize it. whoever it was that he ended up choosing, she wanted to at least have some hand in it. it wasn't entirely selfish, either— portia had enough experience to know what sort of person he needed, and with her guidance, she could help him have the best experience possible. sure, the envy of having handpicked the perfect specimen to deflower him might make her skin crawl, but she could stomach it. for him, she'd put her own desires aside. the tinder community had no idea just how lucky it was about to get, her photos turning out even better than she'd anticipated. it took everything in her not to throw the phone aside and pounce on him right there and then, but she'd already set her mind to the task, and she couldn't turn her back on it so soon. she was his friend, at the end of the day, and she just wanted what was best for him. the warmth of his presence was practically radiating off him as she slid onto the bench beside him, so close their thighs touched, and he looked down at the photos with considerably less enthusiasm. of course he had a hard time getting hyped up over pictures of himself, what with how overly humble he was, which is exactly why she had to pick up the slack and praise him enough for the both of them. "they're amazing, caelum," she corrected. nothing was too hyperbolic when it came to him. using her fingers to zoom in on his face, she let out a dramatic gasp and practically shoved the phone in his face. "look at your eyes! are you kidding me? that's insane..." she went back to studying the photo, staring at it until her vision blurred and she remembered to blink. "matches, and yeah. you're gonna get a shit ton, trust me." while he was busying himself trying to find a distraction in the kitchen, she'd navigated back to tinder, continuing to set up his profile now that she had more material. "do you wanna write the bio? i'm afraid i'll make it sound too girly..." she'd started chewing her thumbnail absentmindedly as she looked up at him, her finger still hanging out of her mouth and muffling her words. "this is about you, after all... i can't do all the work." i can't lose your virginity for you... she barely held back from adding. what she wouldn't give to start fresh, for the slate to be wiped clean, the excitement of her first time still looming on the horizon. he may have saw it as more of a flaw, but portia thought he was lucky, in a way.

caelum existed within a strange place concerning his self-image, not completely insecure yet still filled with questions about what he could offer a potential partner. he knew he was kind, he cared a lot about people and treating them right, his work required him to be patient and gentle- there were plenty of attributes that he could recognise as positive yet he thought of the majority of people as having the same qualities. the problem was, instead, around his inability to see himself as something special. he wasn't like portia, she lit up the room when she entered, people on their axis to catch a glimpse, her beauty was enough to take your breath away but it was once you got to talk to her that you realised how distinct and memorable she was, in amongst a crowd she would always be the person you tried to catch the eye of. caelum wasn't like that, he lingered in corners, kept to himself, he couldn't stand out even if he tried. portia's attention was probably the most he'd ever gotten, if his crush on her wasn't so massive he might have been able to handle being the subject of her photos with some grace. unfortunately, it only made him more self-conscious. her coos of delight helped ease his distress a little but there was ultimately only so much belief he could put in her compliments. at least he'd never have to worry about growing too large of an ego, he knew that was deemed unattractive and even if it wasn't, a world in which he wasn't so hyperaware of how he was perceived was one he was certain could never exist. he gave a small nod and took another sip of water before portia was finally done taking photos and scurried over to sit behind him, eager to show him her hard work. after straightening his posture up, caelum reluctantly looked down at his phone and watched as she swiped through all the photos she had taken- more than he'd been expecting. "they're nice." it was hard to compliment her work without feeling as though he was commenting on himself. it was strange to admit but she had made him look good, the photos were natural in a way he wouldn't have been able to accomplish by himself and it gave him a small confidence boost to see he didn't look as nervous as he'd felt. as portia paused on the one photo of him looking directly at her, caelum immediately recognised the fondness in his eyes and felt his face burn once again. "yeah- yeah sure, that's good." he brought the mug up to his lips and finished what was left of the water before standing up to put it by the sink. "t-thank you." he spoke, back to portia as he lingered by the sink, one hand holding the edge of the kitchen counter. after a moment or two, he turned back around and offered a tight smile. "hopefully i'll, um, get some likes or- or whatever."

[angeldcgs]

since caelum behaved so differently from any man she'd ever met before, portia had a hard time getting a good read on him. he gave off the impression that he had a crush on her, what with the way she caught him gazing at her when he thought she wasn't looking, and how eager he seemed to spend time with her and indulge in whatever topic of conversation she happened to land on, but he never seemed to pick up on her many attempts at flirting with him. she could gush over his good looks and lament on and on about how she wished she could've dated a nice guy like him back before she became jaded, but he never took the bait. it made her question what she thought she knew to be true, thinking that maybe she'd misread his cues, or that she wasn't as adept at flirting as she thought she was. what she was beginning to believe was that caelum was simply too insecure to do anything about her praise, perhaps not even realizing what she'd been trying to convey with the excessive compliments. especially seeing as he didn't have much experience with relationships at all, he probably had never learned how to pick up on subtle cues. learning of his virginity didn't make her think any less of him, but it did make her want to be more careful with how she acted around him, almost worried at just how much more attractive he'd become to her since he confessed. if she could just get him out into the dating world and get him laid, then maybe, just maybe, she'd feel more comfortable pursuing him openly. he so obediently followed her guidance as she posed him to her liking, taking great pains to make sure she captured him as accurately and as favorably as possible. with his good looks, she could've stood him in front of a plain white wall and snapped a photo that would've done perfectly well on his profile, but she didn't just want to capture his likeness. that was too easy, and too superficial— her aim was to help his essence come through in the photo, for whoever stumbled across his profile to see it and immediately get a sense of just how warm and comforting his presence was. the set up she'd landed on seemed perfect, casual enough to seem like he wasn't trying too hard, but still endearing enough to get the job done. "oh, that's soooo cute!" she gushed, and anyone that overheard her without seeing what she was doing might have assumed she was speaking to a small animal, or a baby. "that's perfect... oh my god, the lighting is so good here." as per usual, she took more shots than would ever be necessary, but it was good to have options. they may all look identical to caelum, which is why he had her to point out the subtle differences and decide which was the best out of them all. her view of him was through his phone's screen, until his eyes drifted her way, and she shifted her gaze to look at him directly. his pretty eyes were one of the first things she'd noticed on him, but they looked even more soulful than usual in that moment, full of some deep longing that took her breath away. she paused for a moment and then snapped another photo before he could look away, quickly regaining her composure. "of course," she answered matter-of-factly. "those apps are so oversaturated with the most bottom of the barrel dudes... you're gonna be a breath of fresh air, trust me." after a few more pictures, she opened his camera roll to assess her work, her face lighting up in a giddy grin as she let out a squeal of excitement. "these are good! these are really good! look..." ushering him to scoot over so she could slide onto the bench beside him, portia held out his phone between them so they could both see, scrolling through the many photos and letting out little noises of approval every now and again. "this one—" she paused on the photo she'd taken of him gazing up at her and tapped the heart to add it to his favorites folder. "this is the one. definitely."

it wasn't like no one had ever called him attractive before, it was more so that he'd never cared as much about someone's opinion as he did portia's. he wasn't egotistical enough to believe that he had any more of a chance with her because of her acknowledging she thought he was handsome. there were still plenty of things that could've turned her away, such as the very fair and obvious explanation of her just not having those feelings. he wouldn't get his hopes up, especially when she could have very easily been trying to butter him up so he didn't feel so awkward. after confessing something so embarrassing, portia was probably eager to try and lessen her guilt, not that he believed she should've had any to begin with. unsure of what to do, caelum let portia parade him around like a little doll, positioning him and messing with his hair to her heart's content. it was obvious that she knew what she was doing, he had no idea what girls looked for in guys or how to show off those attributes, if he had it his way all of his photos would've been of the various pieces he'd made in the studio and maybe one photo of him just to validate he wasn't some fake account but portia believed that he had something to show off. at the mention of his freckles, caelum found himself growing warm in the face. he hoped that with the concentration she was giving to finding the perfect backdrop to the photos, maybe she wouldn't notice him blushing, though it was wishful thinking with the phone still pointed directly at him. once tucked up in the breakfast nook, mug in hand and his hair appropriately ruffled, he couldn't help but let out a small snort of amusement. "whatever you say." he shook his head in mild disbelief at the situation he'd found himself in and took a small sip of water. he was curious as to whether or not she had to put the same kind of effort into her photos, it made more sense to him that with her beauty she could simply snap a quick photo and have it come out perfect. as he lost himself in his thoughts, his gaze wandered up to portia, looking to her with a sort of lovesick stare he wasn't aware of. after a couple more photos, caelum turned his attention down to the mug and rubbed his thumb around the rim as he spoke. "do you really think this will work?" his lack of confidence didn't come from questioning her help, if he were to have tried to set up a profile by himself he wouldn't have managed to get past the first hurdle before he was deleting the app and pretending it didn't happen, but instead because it was embarrassing to think portia could now see him for what he was.

[angeldcgs]

there was a fine balance between overly cocky and overly insecure. it was good that caelum's ego wasn't so big, he thought of himself as god's gift to women, but it would do him good to gain a little bit more confidence. she didn't see him as a charity case, but rather a worthy project that would bring her just as much fulfillment as she brought him, maybe even teaching her something about herself along the way. it was obvious that he wasn't used to receiving the sort of praise she provided him on a constant basis, which seemed absurd to her. how could anyone possibly take him on a date and not gush over his good looks? that's the first thing she'd mention if he took her out. if anything, she was toning it down from how intensely flattering she truly wanted to be, trying to keep things pg and hold back her more suggestive thoughts in the interest of not making him uncomfortable, even though they ran through her mind in a constant loop when they were together. for a moment there, portia feared he might reject her offer, retreating back into his shell and deciding he'd be better off avoiding the apps after all. he'd been doing perfectly fine up until then without a romantic connection to keep him satisfied, but she felt as though he deserved that in his life, and she had the means to help him achieve that. finally, it seemed as though he made up his mind, reaching out to grasp her hand with his own much larger one, making portia's heart inexplicably leap in her chest. she stifled the feeling, full lips curving up into an encouraging grin as she led him off to the kitchen, sunlight streaming in through her windows and warming her house plants. "the natural light in here is unbeatable, i'm telling you," she explained, turning to face him and grasping his shoulders so she could physically position him in the best spot. "when that sunlight hits those freckles? you're literally gonna glow!" every once in a while, she stepped back to get the full picture, making little adjustments to try and find the best possible shot. "actually... hold on, i've got an idea." grasping his hand again, she guided him over to her little breakfast nook, gently pushing him to sit down on the padded bench before reaching out to carefully fluff his hair, twisting a few curls to make sure they sat just right. satisfied with her work, she abandoned him briefly to go get a mug from her cupboard, filling it with water just to add a bit of realism to the staged shot and returning to set it on the table before him. "i figured a fake candid might be a little more up your alley," she explained, going to open up the camera app on his phone and focusing on the screen. "you don't need to pose or anything, just pretend you got caught having your morning coffee." scrunching her nose, she lowered the phone and reached out to ruffle his hair, undoing all the work she'd just done. "bed head! very endearing..."

caelum nervously bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from apologising once again, though the desire still sat heavily within his throat. the walls built by his insecurities were sturdy but not impenetrable, with each compliment she offered so casually he could feel himself being tempted to open up, to not throw everything she said away in case it was only told to him because of pity. his self-esteem wasn't so low that he didn't believe she actually thought he was attractive, his belief and trust in portia were too strong to ever think she'd lie about such a thing, yet embracing her flattery was still not as simple as it should've been. it was tempting to lean into her touch but before he could even consider doing so, portia had moved away and caelum was left staring after her like a lost puppy, not yet finished with being petted. another shy smile and caelum had to remind himself how to breathe. how did normal people accept compliments? should he say thank you? should he give one in return? there was plenty he could've said, she was easily the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, with her soulful, warm eyes and glowing skin, soft as silk, she was the sort of woman most men could see on the street once and never forget and there she was, proclaiming that he was something special. after she stood up, caelum took a long moment to look between her face and her extended hand. there was no valid reason for him to refuse to go with her, other than admitting that all the attention made him feel shy and slightly uneasy, that it tempted him to admit how he felt about her and after what could've been the end of their friendship as they knew it, the last thing caelum wanted was to make things awkward between them again. she was too kind, with each nice thing she said about him he found himself eager to return some of his own, though he knew nothing of tact and would end up letting it all come out, each secret hope he had about one day getting to be with her. his virginity might not have scared her off, but the intensity of his feelings for her might and he was especially careful not to let that secret out so casually as his last. eventually, caelum reached out and took portia's hand, swallowing hers up easily in his much larger one, and let himself be pulled away to wherever it was she had in mind.

[angeldcgs]

portia couldn't help but wonder how things had never worked out in his love life before. sure, he'd said he was waiting for a proper relationship in order to lose his virginity, but how could he possibly have never had a girlfriend before? was everyone he'd ever dated out of their goddamn mind, or was his anxiety really that bad that he somehow blew every chance he got? hell, he'd been shy with her since the day they met, and she still wanted to jump his bones. it just didn't make sense to her, especially given how much caelum had going for him when compared to so many other single men. so maybe it really was just that his standards were impossibly high, which she could respect. a man like him deserved only the best, and maybe the best couldn't be found on a dating app, but they had to start somewhere, and it'd at least give her some idea of what he needed to work on going forward. she felt a strange sort of giddiness at the prospect of being his dating coach, having a level of control over his love life that he wouldn't have allowed just anyone to have, which meant he really trusted her. he was in good hands, too— she'd spent more time stalking such apps than she'd ever care to admit, so if anyone knew what worked, it would be portia. it was difficult not to swoon over just how vulnerable he looked curled in on himself, his cheeks turned a rosy pink as he was unable to even meet her eyes. hopefully she'd succeed at helping to bring him out of his shell a bit, but she almost hoped he remained the same timid mouse of a man forever, only to be consumed for her enjoyment. such desires were selfish, though, and she had to put her own wants aside in order to do what was best for him. "what?" she couldn't help but chuckle at his dramatic reaction, head cocked with a slight smile lingering on her lips. "you apologize too much... it's a shame, though. this face was meant to be immortalized." clearly she saw something in caelum that he didn't see in himself, and that hurt. he had so much to be confident about, and yet he remained so insecure, which only made her that much more determined to uplift him, and help him see himself through her eyes. some nice pictures wouldn't change his whole self image, but they couldn't hurt, either. "you don't have to worry about a thing, sugar," she grinned, finally releasing his chin so she could pinch at his cheek. "i bet you five hundred dollars you're gonna wake up to an offer from gq to be on the cover of the next issue when i'm done with you." with his phone still in hand, portia stood up from the couch and reached out for his hand. "c'mon, let's find some good lighting. we gotta highlight those cheekbones... i think i know just the spot!"

it didn't satisfy caelum to know that he couldn't take away portia's embarrassment, especially when she had no reason to feel it in the first place. she'd done nothing wrong, it was him who had decided to try and play pretend, her authenticity had frightened him and that was his burden to bear, not hers. he didn't want to push things to the point where she did get upset with him though, and that seemed plausible if he refused to let her take the accountability she wanted so he shut up on the matter. instead, he turned his focus to his phone and watched as she scrolled through his camera roll, his face still flushed from their brief discussion about the possibility of finding nudes. his photos were as family-friendly as it got, all beings the things that were important to him and it happened to be that his own face wasn't one of those things. he didn't run away from having his photo taken, there must have been a couple on the phones of his co-workers but that wasn't helpful for them at that moment, if anything it highlighted to him how strange it was to have none for himself. he didn't know what he had been expecting upon portia clicking on one of the few photos of himself, but the look of boredom didn't do wonders for his confidence. caelum found himself shuffling a little further away from her, with one arm wrapped around himself to offer some kind of comfort as he listened to portia speak. even if it was nothing more than flattery, an attempt to remedy some of the insecurity that had been brought to the service as a result of his confession, it still felt exponentially good to hear her say such nice things about him. a bashful smile grew and he turned his head down as to avoid showing off his embarrassment. he didn't have the chance to fully immerse himself in his shyness, portia brought him back as the centre of attention and caelum let himself be moved as she studied his face, like she hadn't seen it countless times before. the blush on his cheeks only brought out the heavy spattering of freckles that also covered them, warm sunkissed skin from long walks whenever he had the time to traverse nature like he loved to do. he never felt all that attractive but under her analytical gaze, he was forced to put himself in her shoes and imagine himself in a different light, one where there were things about himself to be admired. "oh god." the words escaped him before he had the chance to force silence and just as quickly, caelum jumped to apologise for his lack of enthusiasm. "sorry- yes, of course you can. i- sorry i'm not used to having my photo taken." he quickly explained. there portia was trying to help him and he was complaining, making a big deal out of nothing like he always did. "you'll have to, uh, tell me what to do..."

[angeldcgs]

"well i do... but i'll stop talking about it. for you." it would do them both well to put it behind them, anyway, not dwell on any negative feelings his confession might've stirred up. the sooner they could relax and accept that it wasn't worth worrying over, the sooner they could move forward with their friendship. and it was a good friendship, too, one worth suffering the embarrassment of knowing she'd been torturing a virgin with endless sex talk, and one she didn't want to jeopardize by throwing herself at him, no matter how inexplicably aroused the reveal of his virginity had made her. it was better not to go there, she figured, at least not now. he was emotionally fragile, and might've thought she was trying to take advantage of his vulnerability should she even try to make a move, or that she was only interested in him out of some sort of pity. they needed a little time to let things simmer and settle, and in between that, perhaps she could help get him a little more experience so he had the confidence to consider pursuing her. if that was even something he was interested in, of course. portia couldn't tell yet whether seeing him hit it off with a stranger would stir up any feelings of jealousy or not, but she couldn't keep hogging him all to herself, not when he had so much to offer the world. he was an absolute gem, especially compared to the state of the current dating pool, and if she couldn't have him, someone else would be more than lucky to. "no?" she repeated, unable to help the chuckle she let slip out and the way her eyes lit up at how vehemently he denied her query. "i didn't think so... but i had to check. you really never know these days." with his permission, she pulled up his photos, beginning to scroll through and browse for usable content. after several rows of photos of nothing but pottery, the occasional nature shot, and a picture of a particularly well cooked breakfast, her brows furrowed. "you have, like, no pictures of yourself... oh!" finally, she came across an actual photo of him, but upon tapping on it to get a closer look, she was even more underwhelmed. it was fine, as far as men's selfies go, but it didn't come anywhere close to capturing just how beautiful he was in real life. "ok... hm." she was searching for a way to be polite, but the disappointment was clear on her face. "it's good to have some personality pics of your work and all that— women fucking love artists, craftsmen, whatever— but we need to show off that cute face! that's your money maker! if i'm on tinder and i see a sick ass pot, i'm intrigued, but if i saw those eyes? your little freckles? immediate right swipe." reaching out to grasp his chin, she tilted his face towards her to admire his features as if seeing him for the first time, turning his head from side to side to assess every angle. "do you mind if i take some pictures of you? i'm a really good iphone portrait photographer, actually."

"please- you don't need to feel bad." at least she hadn't laughed him out of the room, things were understandably a little more awkward but it seemed as though, once again, he had made things out to be a lot worse in his head. it was an awful habit, catastrophising the future in all attempts to prepare but things were never nearly as bad as he thought they'd be. portia was a good person, she was kind and understanding and he had no reason to think she would have ever judged him for such a stupid thing, it was his feelings for her that had made it so easy for him to worry about her perception of him but still, he felt awful for having assumed the worst. he had to trust that she knew what she was doing, even if he wanted to pull his phone away from her and tell her that he didn't want to go on a date with anyone who wasn't her. he couldn't put all his eggs into one basket, he didn't even believe that portia had any interest in him outside of something purely platonic so he couldn't refuse her help on account of wishing for something impossible. he forced himself to smile as she patted him on the cheek but quickly let it fall once her attention had returned to his phone. it was kind of exciting to watch her make his profile, it was almost like he was sneaking a look into her true perception of him, the parts of him that she thought were the most attractive. he shrugged at the mention of his camera roll, not because he was uncomfortable with the thought of her going through it, but more so that he didn't know how many photos of himself were in there. the majority of the photos would be of his work, mainly of pieces he had in progress but there might have been one or two photos of himself taken on a good day, when he was feeling decently good about himself. in classic portia fashion, the conversation took a u-turn in a direction caelum wasn't expecting and he spluttered, choking on nothing but air. "no- god no." the last thing he wanted to see when he opened his camera roll was his naked body, he'd never even taken a shirtless photo of himself before yet alone one where everything was on show. who would he send it to? "no, no you're fine. go ahead." he shook his head, throwing away the images of himself trying to look sexy in favour of forcing himself to focus on the task at hand. maybe it was for the best that portia didn't like him the same way he liked her, he'd never be able to live down the embarrassment that would undoubtedly come trying to impress someone as effortless as her.

[angeldcgs]

"are you sure? i still feel bad..." she tried not to look too concerned but she couldn't stop herself from nervously chewing on her lower lip. "i mean, i guess it's not that big of a deal. we'll probably look back and laugh at it in, like, a week." her delivery wasn't the most convincing, but at least she allowed her lips to curve into a reassuring smile. it really wasn't a big deal— or, at least, it shouldn't have been. him being a virgin wouldn't change anything about their friendship, but portia couldn't help but look at him in a different light after receiving that revelation. it was like coming across a unicorn in the wild, the novelty of a man his age with his personality and appearance still being a virgin not lost on her. would that make him an incel? she didn't even know men like him existed, so she didn't know how to classify him. he was just caelum, her cute little wallflower of a man. for some reason, she felt strangely possessive of him in a way she hadn't before, like she needed to take his virginity on as her own burden, making it her duty to get him laid and help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. if it wasn't with her, then she'd need to be as involved in his first time as possible, preferably hand picking his partner and orchestrating the whole thing to ensure that it was as enjoyable as possible. a dating app might not have been the best place to find the proper person to take on that responsibility, but it was a start. he couldn't just dive right into it headfirst, anyway; he'd need to test the waters first, refamiliarize himself with the dating scene, aided by portia's expert advice. maybe things hadn't worked out for him in the past, but he didn't have her back then. just the concept of perusing said apps seemed to be overwhelming for him, if his face was any indication, looking as though he'd rather disappear from the face of the planet than browse tinder for even a minute, and while portia had sympathy for his feelings, she knew he wouldn't get anywhere if he didn't at least try and push himself. if he couldn't do it on his own, then she'd just have to do it for him. "we'll just stick with these two for now," she relented. "we don't wanna do too much too fast." soothing him with a warm smile and a brief pat on the cheek, she went back to work and opened up tinder, beginning to set up his account. "your profile is important, but the pictures really do most of the work... is it cool if i go through your camera roll?" glancing up, she checked in just to make sure he hadn't passed out yet. "you don't have any nudes in there, do you?"

"you didn't make me uncomfortable! it was me- i should've stopped it, i was making it worse for myself." he could've shut down the conversations at any time, even if he didn't want to confess the reason why he found the sex talk so awkward. he didn't though, he was too obsessed with the idea of impressing portia, or at least trying to keep up with her to dare try and label one of their main conversational topics off limits. with the way she was looking at him, caelum couldn't work out what portia was feeling. sorry for him, maybe? he didn't want to be pitied, especially by her but at least she wasn't angry. she had every right to be, a little part of him wanted her to be so he could make it up to her but she wouldn't let him accept all the responsibility like he wanted to. instead, she was eager to help him which was terrifying in its own right he handed his phone over with no complaint and watched as she opened up the app store and began to download a couple of dating apps. he'd considered downloading them before because the concept had seemed so unromantic, assuming that the majority of people on them were looking for quick sex or short-term relationships and while there was nothing wrong with those things, they weren't caelum's idea of a good time. he preferred to meet people in person, once or twice he'd been on a blind date set up by his friends at work but he supposed if all his real-life attempts had ended the same, horrifically, that is, then why not try online? portia had to know what she was doing and he trusted her more than anyone, even despite their reasonably short time knowing each other. he said nothing, but once she looked up at him and immediately began to comfort him, he could only assume that his face was saying everything he wasn't. he was uncertain about her plan, highly doubting that he had the charisma to talk with anyone, even if it was only through text messages but after his betrayal, the least he could do was let portia do something to make her feel like she was helping him, easing her of whatever guilt he'd accidentally brought about because of his lies. his face grew progressively redder as she detailed all the exploits he'd be able to have, he didn't bother addressing the fact he didn't want to drown in anything, instead, he focused his attention on trying to perk up a little and not look so mopey. he didn't have a preference but out of all the options waiting for him on those apps, the only person he actually wanted was her so it didn't really matter to him what apps she downloaded. he gave a small shrug and turned his attention back down to his phone. "uh, i- s-sure." that was a whole other ballpark, one wasn't yet ready to fully explore but after his lack of honesty, at least he could be honest about one thing. "i don't- yeah, i don't mind. whatever."

[angeldcgs]

it was embarrassing to have shared all sorts of raunchy stories with someone who had no way to relate, but, if anything, portia felt most foolish for not having figured it out herself. it shouldn’t have been surprising, given how shy and reserved he was. if he couldn’t even look at her at times, how would he have ever had hooked up with anyone? but just because he acted shy around her, that didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of having sex at all; she’d known plenty of quiet, mousy guys like him that turned out to be major freaks behind closed doors. she didn’t like to judge a book by its cover, and so she had been giving him the benefit of the doubt. plus, she’d foolishly assumed everyone their age had long since passed their first sexual milestone. “we don’t have to talk about sex all the time! if you would’ve told me, i would’ve stopped bringing it up… i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” only, she had known he was a little uneasy about the topic, whether he’d had sex or not, and that hadn’t stopped her before. in fact, she’d found his slight discomfort highly amusing, but now it just felt cruel to enjoy such a thing, knowing that he’d been lying about his experience just to appease her. he’d suffered through all those conversations without complaint just for her benefit, and it was hard not to let that power go to her head. staring at him straight on with this newfound knowledge, portia bit down on her lip, feeling a sort of fluttering in her gut that she fought to bury down. she could only imagine how eager to please he’d be if she got him in bed. he’d probably do just about anything she asked, all the while looking to her for approval, like she alone was responsible for deciding whether or not he was even worthy of having sex in the first place. she could ask him if he wanted to just get it over with. right then and there, right on the couch. if anyone was qualified to welcome him into the world of sexual exploration, it was her, but this wasn’t about what she wanted. it was about making caelum feel comfortable, and helping him explore on his own terms, which meant waiting for him to want it so bad he couldn’t help himself. if she was included in that exploration, that’d be perfect, but if not, she’d still be there to order her guidance every step of the way. whatever he needed, she was willing to offer it. she pivoted to a slightly different subject for both of their benefit, looking to him expectantly, somewhat impatiently. just as she’d figured, he handed his phone over without protesting, at which point she immediately opened the app store. “we… are gonna download tinder… and hinge. not bumble, because fuck bumble.” with her focus on the screen, portia tapped and scrolled away, downloading both apps before glancing back up at him. “don’t freak out, ok? i know dating apps probably aren’t your thing, or whatever, but it’s just for practice. you can see who’s out there, work on your flirting, maybe go on a couple dates… it’ll be fun! i’ll help you.” maybe he was too shy to put himself out there in person, but over the phone, he could be anyone. hardly anyone ever expected anything serious from a dating app anyway, so it’d be a way for him to test the waters without pressure. “you’re gonna get so many fucking matches, you’ll be swimming in pussy! or dick, whatever… should we download grindr, too? i didn’t mean to, like, box you in.”

no matter what she said, caelum had the urge to respond by defending her, offering whatever proof he had to suggest that he was in the wrong and that he needed to be the one apologising for letting the conversations go for as long as they had. "you've been so honest with me though and i-i... i wanted something i could give to you in return." at first he'd been a little uncomfortable with how much portia was willing to share with him, not because he thought sex was the sort of thing that needed to be kept private, but because her confidence highlighted what he lacked, each and every story empathising a life he could similarly be living if he wasn't so committed to his own misery and loneliness. his nervous eyes flickered up to meet her own steady gaze as she tilted his head up and caelum swallowed, suddenly feeling incredibly vulnerable. he wanted to believe that she really wasn't upset with him but he couldn't let himself, not when he knew she had every reason to be. it was a big deal, in his eyes at least. he wanted to allow himself the peace of believing her but it just wasn't possible, not in that moment at least. the more she complimented him, the more he wanted to shrink into himself. he didn't want to take hope from where there was none, didn't want to misinterpret portia's words as thinking he had any sort of chance with her just because she was trying to make him feel better. she might've said she would've thrown herself at him but that was because she could distance herself from him enough to put herself in someone else's shoes. there wasn't a universe where she'd actually want him like that, especially not after learning he'd been deceiving her for weeks. sex was obviously an important part of her life and he couldn't provide her with what she needed, not even if shouldered the task of taking his virginity. he wouldn't know what to do, he'd be a fumbling idiot and she deserved someone who'd know how to take care of her how she needed. her demand for her phone took him off guard and his brows furrowed in confusion, his hand instinctively coming to rest over where it lay in his pocket. "what?" despite his confusion, he still did as she asked. taking it out from his pocket and unlocking it, caelum handed it over and shuffled closer to see what she was going to do with it.

[angeldcgs]

what this whole thing had taught portia was that maybe she shouldn’t be so casually discussing sex with just anyone. after all, she and caelum still didn’t know each other all that well, which had been no more apparent than it was in that moment. she was learning something that should’ve been fundamental information for the first time, and all because she’d never thought to consider any possibility other than that he must’ve been sexually active, or at least had been in the past. then again, was it really that big of a deal? “yeah, you could’ve,” she agreed. “but you don’t owe me that transparency… it’s none of my business, honestly, i shouldn’t have pried into your personal life like that.” the thought that he felt the need to keep up this facade for her sake only made her felt worse. portia didn’t want to be the kind of person he felt he had to change himself or lie to be accepted by, she wanted to come off as open and understanding enough for him to feel comfortable being totally honest, and clearly she’d went wrong somewhere. maybe he thought he needed to omit the truth in order to impress her, play along with her assumptions to try and make himself seem closer to the sort of people she usually spent time with, but he was impressive all on his own. releasing his hand, she instead cupped his cheeks, gently coaxing his head back up so he could look at her and see she had nothing but fondness in her eyes. “hey… it’s ok. i’m not upset with you, it’s really not that big of a deal. don’t beat yourself up over this.” she wasn’t even exaggerating, either— among all the shitty things men had done when in the process of getting to know her, this was nowhere near offensive. she felt foolish, but more than anything, she felt bad on his behalf, and not for herself. it hurt to hear the way he talked about himself with such hopelessness, somehow unable to see just what a great guy he was, having no idea how lucky someone would be to have him. what she really wanted was to offer to take care of his virginity right then and there, somehow even more attracted to him than she had been before, but that would do him no good. if he was truly needing a genuine romantic connection before he could engage in anything sexual, then there’s no way he’d be comfortable enough to enjoy himself given their current dynamic, and he deserved to enjoy his first time. he may have thought of himself as a lost cause, but she had a much more optimistic outlook. “aw, caelum! don’t say that! don’t ever say that, it’s never too late. you just haven’t found the right person yet, but that’s ok! it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. if anything, i’d say there’s something wrong with everyone you’ve dated who didn’t immediately throw themselves at you, because i know i would.” or maybe his standards were just too high to pursue anyone he’d dated more seriously, which would make perfect sense in her eyes. he had so much to offer, he deserved to be picky. “here, gimme your phone. unlock it first.” once again releasing him from her hold, she held a hand out for him to pass it over.

portia had no reason to assume that caelum would be a virgin, it was a possibility but why would that be the assumption she jumped to? she could've asked him, sure, but for what purpose? if he wasn't a virgin, would it have offended him to have her ask? it was normal for her to jump to that conclusion as the reality was stranger than anything she had assumed of him. he was embarrassed to finally be free from the safety of who she'd thought he was but more than anything, he was mortified to find that portia was trying to take some of the blame. "i could've said." caelum argued weakly, his voice full of pity not for himself, but for portia, her beautiful face heavy with an embarrassment of her own that she didn't need to carry. "i should've said." she was so confident, it had frightened him initially to be in the company of someone so sure of themselves and what they wanted but the more time they spent together, the more he found himself aching to be like her, shameless in who he was. wanting something and getting it were two different things though, and while he had been careful not to lie outright, he had been dancing around the truth in such a way as to avoid letting on to what he really was. he fought his instinctive desire to scurry away from portia's touch, not because he didn't want it but instead he found it too much, something he wasn't deserving of because of all the time he had spent deceiving her. still, after finding out that he'd been dishonest with her, she was so kind, kinder than he deserved and caelum shrunk further into himself, shoulders heavy and his chin tucked down near his chest. how did he explain that he'd tried, he'd been on the dates and tried to find someone who he really liked and every time he'd found himself feeling more alone. at a certain point he'd come to admit that maybe it wasn't for him, a life with another person, he wanted it more than anything but it gave him a little peace to try and let go of the hope for something that was never gonna happen. she sounded so surprised and he didn't know if that was a good thing or not, whether it was a comment on how surprisingly good of deceiver he'd become or if she really couldn't believe that no one had tried to sleep with him yet. either way, her continuous questions, while valid, were like salt in the wound and he shook his head pathetically, deflated and meek like a wet dog. "no, i've... i wanted to wait for someone who i really cared about but it- i've tried dating and it's never gone well and time kept passing and- and now i feel like it's too late."