#[i am proud of this edit because it took me forever and it came out a hell of a lot better than i expected it to

[reasonsmandy]

You matter to me

Eddie Roundtree x Fem!Reader

✧.* requested by @itzajeanspears — Hi!!! Love your writing so much!! Not sure if you’re still doing requests lol, butttt I have a really specific one so if you’d be able to do this I’d like actually die omg. Okay so I’m a fashion student from LA and I was thinking, the reader is like basically siblings with billy and Graham, (her dad and their mom started dating when they were kids so they were practically raised together) but she’s closest with Eddie in particular. They’re best friends. They’ve basically been attached at the hip since they were kids. They’re both secretly harboring feelings for each other and everyone knows it but themselves. She’s been there for them since the band started, like Camilla, making them outfits for gigs and stuff. and Eddie even takes her to prom when her date ends up being a jerk to her. Butttt the reader ends up moving to LA to go to fashion school (maybe eventually she can be their costume designer for the aurora tour 🙏) and Eddie slowly stops talking to her god knows why. Fast forward- The band moves out to LA and they stay with her until they’re stable enough to be out on their own. The tension is super high between her and Eddie and EVERYONE notices. Super Angsty. Ends in fluff and love confessions 🫶 maybe angry billy lol. AGAIN THANK YOU!!! I know that was super complicated. YOUR WRITING AND EDITS ARE AMAZINGGGG !!

✧.* you're reading part two, here's the part one — A letter?

✧.* summary — Eddie was waiting for your response, and when it never came... A wall was built between you.

✧.* warnings — none.

✧.* word count — 3.5k

✧.* 🎸 — Eddie's masterlist

✧.* mandy's notes — I know it took me forever!!! I'm so sorry, please enjoy! And let me know your thoughts about it :)

I have no idea how to start this, my head has been a mess since our last conversation. I'm sorry for the way I left, I should've been more polite involving all we've been through in the last couple of months. I confess that I don't understand why you thought I couldn't support you in this situation, I've seen you dreaming about this day since I was ten years old, where we chatted about school and unattainable plans for the future… Seeing you achieve everything you dreamed of is like being hit by a ray of sunshine, I am deeply proud of you.

I wish you all the best on this new journey in your life, you are great and your talent is not left behind! Know that you wouldn't be there if it weren't for all your extraordinary talent. There is something in everything you do that exudes originality and no one can take that away or dispute it from you.

I decided to respect your choice and not go to see you on the day of your departure, I confess that this is demanding a lot from me, but I do everything to see you well. I hope you have a great trip and a great life there too.

I don't want to lie to you, I really hope you write me back, I have a huge hope that you'll give me another chance and we can work things out... I'll understand if you don't want that, I just want you to keep in mind that I love you. Fly towards your dream, and when you miss home, maybe my words will warm your heart.

Yours, Eddie Roundtree.

The bassist seals the letter with trembling fingers, he knew you would leave tomorrow and he still had his doubts about what he was going to do.He wanted to come see you before the match, kiss you gently, hug you as if you were going to escape at any moment... But he couldn't, if that was your choice he would respect that.

He knocks on the Dunne house three times, his hands trembling as he waited impatiently with the letter in hand.

"Eddie? What are you doing here so early my dear?" Mrs Dunne's sweet voice asks, she was quiet, probably because she was the only one awake in the house.

"I— I came to give this to Y/N." He extends the paper to her, confused, the older girl takes the object.

"Do you want to come in?" She asks, opening the door for him.

"No no, thank you." He seemed nervous, afraid that you would show up at any moment. "I really just came to leave this"

The madness was crazy the morning you were going to leave, you waited in secret for Eddie, a hope that he would appear was growing in you even though you wanted to kill it. Everyone else had made a point of saying goodbye, even Warren had stopped by to leave you some chocolate for the flight, but nothing from your boyfriend.

That's what you were, right? After all, there was no ending, not formally in so many words... Anxiety made you fear that when he left that had been your final point.

You open your arms to hug your considerate mother, Mrs. Dunne had been very present to you since she came into your life and saying goodbye was harder than you thought.

"I'll miss you so much." Her choked voice says, and you hold her closer.

"Oh honey, I'll miss you too." She answers, still holding you. "Anytime you need us, you just have to call. You have a family here."

At this point you were already in tears, and you let the hug go to wipe them away.

"Look." She starts to say, opening her bag to hand you something. "Eddie asked me to give you this."

Your eyes widen, you take the letter in your hands and leave for your new life.

…

You open the drawer of the nightstand next to your bed and return the letter to the place it always rests still not being able to open it, a sigh leaves you as you relive the night you had just had. Now that you were in the same city everything was more vivid, it was like living your teenage years again and it was frustrating. Of course you missed your friends and your brothers, but feeling Eddie's look at the back of your head was a huge distraction that kept increasing many questions in the same.

Eddie let the air out of his lungs as his body collapsed onto the bed he had fought for hours with Warren for, He lights a cigarette while staring at the ceiling and gradually sees the smoke draw your face, He hated how all the feelings he had put so much effort into hiding returned like the tide flooding over him, it was frustrating how you could make his heart race in a way no drug could ever manege to.

He knew that maybe all he had to do was just get over it, and that's all he was trying to do since you left Pittsburgh and him. Eddie was never the kind to get attached to relationships easily, he was used to having one night stands or just casual dating, so when his heart was captured by your gaze and the funny feeling of falling in love... He didn't know what to do.

The cigarette had come to an end and sleep had not even threatened to arrive, Roundtree sits on the bed regretting it before even finishing what he planned to do. He might not have talked to you during the party, but he was a good listener, something he didn't know if it was a blessing or curse until then.

He puts his leather jacket over the blouse he had worn to the party he attended hours ago, also grabbing some cigarettes before going down the stairs of the new house towards the keys to Rojas' van. He considers going to the drummer's room to tell him that he had borrowed the vehicle, but settles for writing a note in letters large enough for him to notice while he looks for it.

He let in his breath once again, shaking his head as he starts the van and heads towards what haunts his mind.

...

The three rings on the door make you lazily get out of bed, your arms go to the blouse thrown on the table before answering.

"Eddie?" You say between shock and yawn, your hands fix your hair automatically.

He avoids your gaze, looking directly at the ground as if he is very anxious. You wait for an answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth, you take a step forward taking his hand and leading him inside.

"Is everything okay?" You ask, after you both sit at the table in your living room.

"I don't know." He lets it out, wondering if he should actually do what he had planned. "I wanted to talk to you about everything."

"In the middle of the night?" You let out a weak laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"I couldn't sleep, sorry I woke you up." He looked embarrassed, but it was as if being there was more comfortable than anything he had been doing before knocking on the door.

"We can talk, no problem.”

"With us moving here I imagine we'll see each other more often than we have over the years." He looks you in the eyes, the red of the cigarette in them. "And I don't want there to be a fight between us, I don't want there to be things that aren't clear."

You let the air out, trying to look as if you were mature for this situation. "What do you mean by that?"

"Even with our history, is everything ok between us?" He wanted to tell you that the answer was no, that he hadn't forgotten you, but it stayed in his throat just like the growing knot.

"For me yes, but for you I'm not sure." You are honest, letting the frustration go with your words. "You were the one who ignored me the whole party, I felt seventeen again."

"You don't need to be sarcastic." He says rolling his eyes.

"Since when do you call the truth sarcasm?" He arches his eyebrows at your response, you click your tongue against the roof of your mouth. "What I meant is that I'm over it, I just don't know if you are."

"You know what..." He gets up, adjusting his jacket on himself. "I think we've cleared that up, let's just be polite to each other and that's it. I see you around."

"You're kidding right?" A mocking laugh is let out by you, disbelief shines through. "Is that what you consider resolution?”

"I'll see you around." He says, you get ready to close the door. "Let's just keep things between us, like before."

Your eyes roll back and you slam the door shut, anger and confusion rising in your chest. How can he just show up in the middle of the night to turn your life around like that? You only feel the tears when they fall on your arm, was it frustration? You preferred to believe so, but seeing him treat you with so much indifference was painful.

Still angry, you go to the nightstands and open the drawer to take the letter in hand. Your vision blurred with emotions growing, you tear it apart and as soon as the first cut is made the rest are just a trigger for the pieces on the floor. You cry, regretting it and at the same time wanting to disappear... It hadn't even been twenty four hours since he had returned to your life and everything was chaos.

You collect the pieces and place them inside the box you found, trying your best not to glue the pieces together to read something that could be your answer.

...

You had done a good job of trying to forget about Eddie Roundtree, you had gone out with a few people and avoided running into him as much as possible when you met the band. But that became impossible when his brother went to rehab and his niece was born.

You moved into their house to help with the baby, Camila had never been so vulnerable and you couldn't feel more angry at Billy than in those first few months. Of course, you knew he wasn't one hundred percent to blame, addiction wasn't easy and it made you very sad to know he was like this.

Your move wasn't complete, you slept there some nights and other nights you went back to your house or studio to create some pieces of clothing. It was hard to face Eddie every day, but you two made a point of avoiding each other as much as possible.

It was hard to remember why you didn't like Eddie much when he was being so kind every day by your side, you start to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. He was kind, funny, he helped everyone, but he was still the one that left you. And that was certainly the impasse for you to sympathize with him once again.

Night fell on the horizon as you leaned over the counter, a cigarette between your lips as you thought about everything at the same time.

"I see you still like the sunset, sunshine." The nickname makes your spine shiver, you don't turn around, you just let him get closer to you. "It always reminds me of you."

The chill comes to your belly, you turn away in disbelief. "What are you doing?"

He rolls his eyes, “Trying to get along with you, is it that hard?"

You let out a sigh, avoiding his eyes. "You want us to be friends?"

"What's the harm on that?" he asks, resting himself.

You shrug, trying your best not to ask every single question that haunted you over the years.

"You made yourself pretty clear that day in my place." That's all you say.

"Why are you acting like I'm a bad guy?" He's confused, upset in his eyes.

"You can't just keep doing this to me, appearing in my life and just leaving me!" You let out your frustrations, he looks at you without understanding. His gaze fixed on your eyes was overwhelming.

"What do you mean?" His voice was trembling, he took a deep breath. "Look, I know I acted childish that night, I shouldn't have just popped at your place and said those things. But I mean what I'm doing right now, I made one mistake... You're really going to blame me for the rest of my life?"

"One mistake?" You tried your best to hold back your urge to cry. "Look Eddie, it's been a long time. I understand if you forgot everything we've been through, I don't want to..."

"You're acting like I didn't care for you. Like I don't care." His voice was calm, it left you disconcerted.

"How can you say that you care for me if you haven't even reached for me all these years?" You turn to face the sky, trying to keep calm.

"I was respecting you!" He avoided coming closer, even though he wanted to take your hand in his. "I told you that! I—...

He stops when he sees your confused eyes, concern takes over his.

"You didn't read the letter, did you?"

You swallow hard, he waits for your answer but you open your mouth and close it without saying anything.

"Did you receive it?" He asks, you nod your head. "I don't understand..."

"I never read it." You confess, looking at your feet.

"Why?" He felt exposed, hurt.

You don't answer, he seems devastated.

"Fuck." He says passing his hands through his hair. "I can't believe this."

He left, leaving you alone with the sunset.

You made a point of coming home that day, there was no way you wouldn't go back to read that letter, your heart was aching with all the emotions that came up this afternoon. You were overwhelmed and feeling guilty, but at the same time confused... You needed answers.

When you managed to put the pieces together it was difficult to tell what was there, but your body softened and your heart tightened. There was your answer.

...

Daisy Jones was responsible for the band's growth after Billy's relapse, 'Honeycomb' was a masterpiece and the whole world knew it when those chords sounded on the radio. You were happy and proud for all of them, it was great to see them all achieving a dream that you followed from the beginning.

You were really excited to go on tour with them, You had already made many different pieces and I'm really looking forward to seeing them using what you created for them from the beginning. Today was the day of the first show, if you weren't even going to be on stage, you were nervous, you couldn't imagine how they were.

You couldn't contain the tears of emotion when you saw them there, the fans screaming excitedly and a long-time dream coming true, it was an amazing feeling and you were so happy to be part of this somehow.

It wasn't easy to deal with the information about the last situation you had with Eddie, of course, Billy had returned and you had spent less time together but that whole scene never left your mind. You tried to expel the flashes as much as possible while pretending to listen to what Camila was saying.

"Swetie, are you paying attention to me?" She says between a laugh, the music from the celebration party made it hard to hear her.

"Aham." You lie, watching Eddie talk to Warren and another girl you didn't know a few steps away. Camila follows your gaze, and turns with an arched eyebrow.

"What's going on?" She asks, her voice softly.

"I feel like I'll never be able to leave what we had behind me." You felt the words leave your mouth with honesty for the first time in a while.

"Have you told him that?" She asks, looking between you and him.

"I'm pretty sure he hates me, so..." You let out a breath, trying to hold back your tears.

"Eddie could never hate you Y/N."

"How can you be so sure?" You take a sip of your beer, avoiding looking at the distant group.

"Oh honey, if you only knew how many times he told me how he felt... How many songs I heard—

"Songs?" You cut her off, holding her arm. "He wrote songs about me?"

"Many." She responds, stroking his hand with a motherly affection. "You should talk to him."

You gather all your strength to follow her advice, and little by little you get closer to them. Warren is the first to notice you, waving in a comical way for you to come closer, Eddie avoids your eyes, the girl greets you with a small smile.

"Hey guys, the show was amazing." They smile at your congratulations. "I'm really proud of you guys."

"Thank you sunshine." Eddie says, almost regretting using the nickname. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." You say under your breath. "Look, can we talk alone for a second?"

"Sure." He turns to Rojas and the curly-haired woman. "I'll be right back."

Automatically you take his hand and guide him to a more private place, it's a few seconds of silence before you know how to start. He doesn't rush you, he just waits for you to feel good to begin with what you had planned.

"I read your letter." That's all you can say, he swallows hard. "I'm sorry it took me so long..."

"It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore." He tries to say, but you cut him off.

"It does! It matters and you know it." Tears manage to fill your eyes. "We matter for each other, you matter to me... And I don't know about you, and I know it's probably too late but I can't forget you."

He takes a step closer to you, never taking his eyes off of you. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I love you." A choked laugh comes out of you, it was impossible to contain it all longer.

"Fuck." He holds your face in his hands, touching your foreheads together. "Please, don't mess with me." He jokes.

"I'm done building this wall between us." Her voice was honest, her eyes never stopped staring into his. "I just want to be with you."

He kisses you, a kiss you've missed for years, a connection of souls, an inexplicable feeling. His hands cupped your cheeks and caressed your skin, you pulled him close to feel him after so long. He would always be your point of comfort.

"I love you too." He whispers against your lips, your eyes closed. "I love you so fucking much."

"I know it took a while but I kind of want to stay with you." You joke, he lets out a laugh.

"We can tell our children that we've been dating all this time, they don't need to know about this hiatus" He says while caressing your hair.

"Children?" Rojas' voice made you jump in fright. "Damn, you guys are emotional, huh?"

...

Hi, I hope you enjoyed it... If you wanted to ask for something my requests are open, and if you want to ask and don't have any ideas check out my prompt list :) xoxo

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[babeczka415]

The Island

A/N: this has been sitting in my documents for forever and I finally finished and editted it. Its was inspired by @reds-ramblings story.

It's been ten years since we found Hannah. Ten years since I last saw him, expect on TV or the courtroom. He kept his promise and so did I. We met in Duskwood, I saw him before anyone else from the group for a night. It was heated, emotional, and passionate. However, he decided to turn himself in so we can live a life together one day. We had no idea that from one night together, we would have a little one. I was unable to see him while he was in prision even with his daughter, because we weren't officially family.  I waited, Hannah and Lilly kept him updated on me and Faye.

Oh Faye, shes the spitting image of him, even ten years later she's loving computers. I never forgot what he told me before handing himself over to the FBI "MC, I love you but don't wait for me." I couldnt see anyone else because my heart was taken.

Ten years ago my heart shattered as he was arrested. Five years ago I decided I needed to change something and I remember him telling me about someone he knew that owned an island with a resort. The whole group decided to go and I fell in love with the place. Faye and I made it a yearly trip, until this year. I saw the man was selling it and I had the savings and could get the loan so I did the irrational thing. Jake would have been the only one to talk me out of it.

Fast forward to today, I'm standing on the boat waiting for the gang with Faye. The cool spring breeze is on my face and I smell the salt in the air. Jake would be so proud of me for these last year.

"Mom, when can I see Dad?" She asks,  so excited for that moment.

This is a conversation I know too well and it breaks my heart. "Hopefully soon he should be out."

I see the cars pull up and everyone gets out. However I see an extra person and my heart jumps out of my chest.

Hannah and him walk up to the boat together and I finally see his face clear and run off the boat, almost falling. He grabs my waist and looks into my eyes.

"Hi, MC" he says with the smile that just melted my heart 10 years ago.

"Is this real? Are you really my Jake?" I ask as tears run down my cheek.

"I am" he say wiping them away.

"I wanted to surpise you with how much you've been working on this place and taking care of Faye" says Hannah.

"Oh my god! Your daughter" i exclaim. I go to turn around to call her and he grabs my chin and kisses me deep.

All concerns of everything in that moment leaves my body. I wrap my arms around his neck not wanting to pull away.

"Hey there are kids around" says Dan as he pushes past us.

We finally break the kiss and I lean into his chest. I turn around and I see Faye, looking at us and blush.

"Sweetie, this is your dad" I say with tears in my eyes.

Jake lets go of me and reaches out for her. "Hi Faye," he says with a smile and she jumps in his arms.

I look at them then look at Hannah. "You have no idea how happy you just made both of us" I say to her, her brown eyes the total opposite of Jake's and Lillys blues.

"I have an idea. I know she's been asking about him a lot lately." She says.

Watching Jake just hold her, melts my heart. My family is finally whole after 9 years.

Everyone finally gets on the boat and as always when taking out of the dock Faye runs to the front. She leans against the rail and I watch her.

"She's just like you, carefree" I hear Jake say.

"She's also yours. She's stubborn, reserved, loves computers. I swear she took after you more then me." I say watching her.

Jake spins me around looking into my eyes. "Why didn't you move on?" He asks.

"I tried but I had found out I was pregnant with Faye right after and I knew she was yours. In that moment, I knew I had to be strong so when you did get out we could be a family." I say as I look away. "I mean if that is what you want" as I bite my lip.

He lifts my chin, "I very much do. Hannah kept me uodated on you and her everytime she came to visit or we talked on the phone. I instantly knew who she was because Hannah showed me pictures." He says brushing hair away from my face.

"I want you to know, I tried to visit and get on your call list for Faye's sake '' I say looking into his eyes.

"I know you did. My lawyer told me but because we were not engaged and they didn't want to do a DNA test on her you couldn't get even her on the list.."

"Yeah" I say wanting to kiss him again. All of sudden I feel another set of arms around me and I see Faye.

"Mommy, you look so happy today" she says hugging me then running to her seat.

I blush and go to follow her. "They got her for a moment" Jake say grabbing my hand. "I got out a couple days ago and I knew I wanted to be with you." He says and I can see he's getting nervous. "So when Hannah told me you had bought this place and fixed it up, i thought it would be a perfect surprise."

"Jake, I want to be with you also" I say grabbing his face. "Seeing you get out of the car with the group my heart I swear jumped put of my chest."

"MC, will you officially be mine?" He asks.

"I mean we hav to make sure its okay with Faye'' I laugh "but yes jake!" I say wrapping my arms around him.

He kisses me deeply and passionately again. Once we pull away to catch our breath, I look up at him. 

"Yeah Faye is staying in the room with the other kids" I say with a smile.

"I do want some father daughter time if she wants it" he says, looking into my eyes.

"Oh she definitely will. She's been asking nonstop questions about you and a lot of them I cant answer. What she wants most is to spend time with you."

The boat docks and everyone runs off towards the resort. I smile watching Faye with her cousins. Jake is up there playing with the kids as I finally get off the dock. 

"MC, your girl is right, you are happier" says Dan as he comes walking back to me.

"For nine years I waited for this and I never imagined she would take to him like this" I say with a tear in my eye.

He pulls me close "she wants to know him and see her mom happy" he says.

"I just hope we can make it work. We never had a chance and now if it doesn't her heart will break too." I say hugging him.

"Hey don't think like that. I'll tell you something I probably shouldn't but your a sister to me." He says with a sigh.

"Well spit it out Dan" I say with a laugh.

"The last few days when he was around Hannah, Lilly, and the kids he just kept asking about you and her. Wanting to know everything possible from everyone." 

"Wait so everyone knew he was coming?" I say as I start walking to them.

"Yeah but with all on your plate we agreed to make it a surpise. Seeing your face light up from the boat and run towards him was worth it, MC" he says following me.

Faye comes running up with Jakes hand in hers "mom!" She calls and he follows her. "Can we go out on the water in those boats?" She asks.

"Sure, find one of your cousins to go with you." I say meeting them half way.

"But mom, I wanted to go with Dad" she whines.

I look at Jake in shock, then look back at her. I crouch down to her and try to be gentle with my words. "I want everyone to test them out including the smaller ones for you kid" I say trying to reason with her.

She pouts and runs off to find one of the kids to join her and I stand up.

"Did that really just happened?" Ask Dan

I look at Jake and he's just as surpised as me. "Yeah she called him Dad already '' I say looking at Dan.

He walks past Jake and taps his shoulder "good luck man. She's a real wild one just like her mom" he laughs as he walks past us with his bag.

"Sorry I wasn't expecting that" I say blushing.

"Neither was I. Dan's right you know, shes wild like you" he says wrapping his arms around me.

We walk hand and hand inside where everyone is and i give them all their keys. Jessy and Cleo agreed to stay in the room with the kids, even adding Faye to the bunch. I take Jake up to my room and grab the extra key I have and hand it to him. "If we are really going to try and make this work…" I say lost in thought as Faye comes running in.

"Mom! I thought I was staying in here with you!" She whines.

I turn away from Jake and as Im about to say something Jake steps in. "Your Mom and I talked, we think you could use some time with your cousins on this trip" he says in a smoothing voice.

I look at him and realize how much he's already stepping in as a parent and it melts my heart to the point I want to lock the doors and stay in bed with him this whole trip.

She whines and stomps away grabbing her bag. I hear her say something under her breath.

"Don't even go there missy" as I raise my voice to her.

She turns around "he just came into my life and your taking him away from me" she yells.

I walk up to her and sit on the bed in front of her. I take a sigh as I try to find the right words. "Faye, you need to understand your father and I need to figure some things out before we jump in as a family. I promise you will have tons of time with him apart of your life. He can teach you all that computer stuff you've been struggling with and take you out for icecream and have fun." I say looking into her eyes.

She come closer to me, "will you be there too?"

I look at Jake then back into her blue eyes, "yes" i say not wanting to break her heart more right now. "Go get ready though to go out on the water." 

She gets the biggest smile on her face and runs to the bathroom. I look at Jake and sigh hoping I just made the right call.

He comes picks me up, wrapping his arms around me. "You're doing amazing raising her. Just know I am here now and don't plan to leave anytime soon" he whispers into my ear.

"I know you don't but what if…" he stops me mid sentence with a gentle kiss. 

"No what ifs right now, MC. We will figure this all out together." He says

Its later in the day, we had a fun day st the water and around the island just all of us. We finally get all the kids into bed and we all head outside to the firepit that Dan and Thomas started for us. 

Jake pulls me close in the seat were both in and he feels me cold. He takes off his hoodie and gives it to me. 

"Its okay the fire will warm me up" I say looking at him.

"MC dont be stubborn just take it" he whispers into my ear with a growl. 

My body shivers knowing what he wants after ten years and I put it on. It smells just like him and I curl up against him.

Jessy is the first to notice how close we are right now. "Okay we need to talk about the elephant in the room. What is going on with you two?" She asks.

"Yeah I think we have the right to know if you're not going to tell Faye" says Lilly.

I look at Jake for some form of help but he's just watching me. "We're seeing what happens." I look af them as I say it. "You all know how much we were in love ten years ago .  Obviously things happened that one night. '' I laugh.

"We know how you two felt back then" says Dan.

"Yeah but what about now?" Asks Hannah.

"It's pretty obvious" says Cleo. "They are still in love."

"We are seeing where things lead. There is another heart we have to both make sure doesn't break" states Jake.

After a couple hours around the fire everyone starts to dwindle inside and while the fire is out Jake and I just sit there. I finally decidd to get up but he grabs my hand and pulls me back down.

"There's something I want to show you" i say looking into his eyes.

"Wanted to make sure you weren't leaving" he says.

"Definitely not there is a gorgeous spot that looks out over the water. It's not far fron here" i say standing up but taking his hand.

It's nearly midnight but with being with Jake I'm wide awake and we walk up to the spot. In the moonlight its even more breathtaking 

All you see is the darkness of the water and the moonlight over the cliff and hear the water crashing below. He pulls me close and between the smell of him, the smoke, and the salt water my mind is totally lost as he wraps his arms around my waist with my back to him.

"MC, are you really worried things wont work?" He asks.

"I am because its not just are hearts at stake. I have for the past ten years had someone else to watch out for. It's only day on and she loves you" i say taking a deep breath.

"I always want to be there for both of you" he says.

"I know you do Jake. However we both know that last time we were together it was passionate and strong. We didnt think about the future in that night and let things happen." I say turning towards him.

I see the love in his eyes as the moonlight hits him. I feel the warmth of him even through his hoodie I'm wearing. I lose all control over my emotions of trying to keep my heart safe for Fayes sake and kiss him like when I saw him on the dock. This time noone is around to stop us and i feel his hands move to my neck and my ass pulling me even closer as we can't stop what is going to happen.

Jakes POV

I wake up to the sun coming up over the water and I see her. She's still sleeping on my chest my hoodie is over both of us as a blanket and our clothes are on the ground. I want nothing more then to keep this feeling locked away forever but I know i need to wake her up. I kiss the top of her head and she stirs awake. 

"Good morning beautiful" I say with a smile.

"Good morning handsome" she says looking up at me with a smile. "Oh shit we should get back.” As she sits up and realizes we're both naked.

I pull her back to me, this time kissing her gently. Ahe pulls away again but all concern is gone. She reaches for our clothes and we get dressed. She throws on my hoodie which looks good on her and I take her hand.

"I guess we really are giving this a true chance" she says looking towards the water.

I grab her chin and direct her to look at me. "My love, did we even have any other choices.

She shivers as she looks into my eyes, "not really. Your my home" she says as she leans info me.

MC pov:

We walk back to the resort and thankfully as we walk in the front door it doesn't sound like anyone is away. We walk up to the room and see Faye sleeping in the bed.

"I knew she wouldn't make it the night," I says softly with a smile. I walk away from Jake and lift her up. I goes to carry her out of the room but he takes her. 

"How about we do pancakes for everyone?" He ask.

"Pancakes?" A sleepy Faye states while Jake holds her.

"Give me a few moments, okay?" I ask, smiling at Jake holding her.

He kisses my cheek and lays Faye down. I grab change if clothes and head into the bathroom. At this moment I'm so thankful I have my phone. I pull up the messages and see Jessy is online.

MC: oh my we need girl talk!

Jessy: did you even sleep?

Mc: i mean if you count a few hours outside 😜

Jessy: coffee with girl talk?

MC: we're gonna make pancakes. Oh by the way good job keeping Faye in the room last night. 🤣

Jessy: she wouldn't have it and I didnt want her to wake up the others.

Mc: its okay we actually found her this morning in the bed. But going to clean up and head down to the kitchen with Jake and Faye.

There's a knock on the bathroom door "mom, dad and I are heading to the kitchen to start pancakes" Faye says.

"Okay I'll be right down" i say. I smile at her love already for him. 

MC: Jessy! Come here so we can talk

Jessy: okay I'll be right over.

I hear them leave and a few minutes later there is a knock on the door. I open and its Jessy wearing her PJ. I grab her hand and pull her in.

"Girl, what am I going to do?" I say so worried.

"Look, he wants to be part of her life no matter what so just let this run its course."

"No you don't understand. We did it last night out on that cliff I told you about. All it took was once and we got Faye. I don't know if i could handle it if it doesn't work and us having two kids" I say breaking down.

Jessy grabs my shoulders "don't think of it like that. You're an amazing mom and he's showing he wants to be around." She says.

"Jessy, wait if all we have is passionate love explodes and then its nothing. We've never had the chance to see if we can keep these feelings" i say looking at her with tears in my eyes.

She pulls me in for a hug "just take it a day at a time sweetie. Also would it really be bad if you guys had another one?" She laughs. "That man is madly in love with you."

I realize she is telling me the truth. Jake and I need to take this a day at a time together and learn each other and build a family with Faye.

[thecircularsystem]

Just... for once, I would like to go one year without someone spreading bullshit about me and my friends.

TW for harassment, sexual content, sui, paranoia, etc.

Okay. So.

I want to preface this with something.

I do not want any messages about this. I do not want to see a single message sent to Dude. I do not want to see a single message sent to Blue-Bubonic. I ESPECIALLY do not want a single message sent to Sophie, or Hal, or fucking Nox, or anyone, just keep this shit out of your mouths.

I am so, so tired of being caught in perpetual, triggering trauma. I am so, so tired of being accused of shit I never did, of things I never said, of things I don’t think or feel.

I made this post up because I’m delusional and paranoid. I hear that SAS spread rumors and my memory is different from that.

Am I lying? Am I wrong? Was I gaslit? Did I dream it? What if Blue is right? What if I’m a horrible person? What if I should die-

I’m so tired of it. So I have to go through, and dig back in, just like always, until my nails bleed from how hard I’m clinging to syscourse. And I’m trying to stop. Genuinely, firmly, I do not want to talk about this shit 24/7. I like aspects of it, but I’m tired.

Blue is not going to let it rest. More power to them — it’s obvious they need to get this out so that they can work on recovery. Good for them. I’m proud of them, genuinely, and I hope that their 100+ something page document helps them. It never helped me.

In the meantime, I need to talk about my trauma too. I need to get MY side out. That’s only fair.

This post isn't for syscourse. It isn't for drama. It isn't for spreading. Please leave us all alone. Let us get it out and then be done.

(Note: post has been edited to preserve someone’s privacy.)

The Problemaddtic Era

A year and a half ago (May 2023), a user by the name of Problemaddtic made a post. They had made several, many of which I found to be bad or in poor taste. This one took the cake though. That blog has since been terminated, by the internet is, of course, forever, as this drama unfortunately proves.

Here’s the post again. This time, with Dude of SAS fame’s rebuttal.

Problemaddtic posted this somewhat paranoia inducing post, which did trigger multiple people at that time. This post was posted to numerous tags, including endo safe tags. Many users spoke out about this, but primarily anti-endos. Many pro-endos didn’t bat an eye. I posted this.

Blue made the post unreblogable. Dude responded:

Upset about being called out, they started posting numerous things to the endo safe and pro-endo tags. The original post, if I remember correctly, was changed to feature an anatomical picture of a penis and balls, telling anti-endos to suck it. This meant anyone going to the post — or to public endo safe tags — would see it. I can’t find evidence of this, sadly; seems most syscoursers avoided reblogging that shit for obvious reasons. Here’s another example (with Dude’s response). Sophie warned people to block.

An anonymous pro-endo ask came to Dude about how Problemaddtic’s post was weaponizing their trauma. Dude once again offered his inbox as refuge and safety to vent. Here’s that post.

After this, problemaddtic retroactively added DNI banners to their posts. Here’s Dude and a mod on Sysboxes commenting on the box. Dude was calling out how the box did not protect problemaddtic from criticism, while the Sysboxes mod made fun of the box. Dude did not make fun of the box’s design directly, but rather, the purpose of the box.

Here’s another anon suggesting Problemaddtic is a troll, and Dude refuting that claim. Dude encouraged people not to judge all pro-endos by a single person’s actions.

Someone said that dude’s actions here were leaving a bad taste in their mouth. Here’s dude’s post in rebuttal, where he says he made fun of the DNI banner. I beg to differ, but sure, if Dude wants to say he did, crucify him for that if you really want to.

And finally, to cap off the Problemaddtic era: the Cock and Balls post that got a TW.

I’m not screenshotting it. It was genuinely quite triggering for many people. Hearing “that’s all your good for” in reference to sexual things? Way to echo what so many of our abusers have said. What Problemaddtic did was incredibly triggering for many users. Dude rightfully called them out for this.

Here’s someone who was hurt by the Problemaddtic post. Here’s someone who said it felt intentional.

Meanwhile, Dude’s posts at this time (beyond allowing anons to be heard) were comprised of cat pictures to cleanse the tags, and reblogs of positivity. After that last anon link, I cannot find reference to this drama again. Problemaddtic was terminated after many, many people reported the blog for the sexual content.

There was more at that time — I saw a few other posts about the drama that I skipped over from the tag, as well as knowledge that I went on an incredibly triggered ramble in a server I was part of warning people to avoid the tag. I don’t have access to that any longer so I can’t really share it.

Everyone moved on.

Blue-Bubonic Era

Sadly, I cannot seem to access an archive of Blue’s account. Trying to scroll back that far manually is not working, so I’m going to do what I can. Forgive me if I miss things, because tumblr's tag search is not the greatest.

Blue-Bubonic was revolving around the syscourse community for a little bit, reblogging SAS posts and generally staying mostly chill! I saw they were in syscourse, and I (somehow) immediately made the connection that this user was problemaddtic. This made me... incredibly uncomfortable. I just did my best to not engage much, as I really did not trust them not to explode as they had previously.

Apparently, I am one of the only individuals who knew who Blue was. Dude thought Blue was Elmani, actually, the "kill the anti-endo inside you" propaganda pusher. I hope Elmani's good wherever they ended up, it seems like they finally quit syscourse for good.

I believe Dude and Blue talked behind the scenes briefly. Dude had made the recent shift towards pro-endo. He was dealing with the aftermath of a catastrophic life changing event, one that he will always be dealing with the ramifications of, but which is still fresh. On my side of things, I was dealing with my first sessions of EMDR, chronic pink eye, multiple vacations (fun but stressful), and multiple traumaversaries on the horizon. We were all very, very tightly coiled, just doing our bests to stay calm and be gentle with ourselves.

On June 20th, Blue posted that they wanted to make a comprehensive document of why SophieinWonderland is "a shit person causing actual harm n hides behind the pro endo label when it comes to criticism regardless of which "side" is criticizing her."

Four days later, Blue posted that they had "Finished the draft, working on editing" and were "Thinking of letting some vet it before posting it publicly."

Discord Era

I can only speak about what I know.

Dude and me talk on Discord a lot. He shares things with me. For instance, that Sophie is a real breathing human person who has complimented me in private. Or that they talk, sometimes, way more than I would be brave enough to do (though knowing just snippets has made me actually able to respond to her again, and even reach out to her a bit. I'm happy to have more perspective now.)

He reached out to me, though, on June 26th, and said, "Want to take part in some Sophie drama?" And genuinely, I do want to see what's happening in terms of drama on tumblr. Especially since this took place after yet more insanely triggering posts from her. So I agreed.

Then Dude let me know he was adding me to a group chat with Blue and I said, "Oh boy. Alright." My heart sank. This was not going to end well.

It didn't!

Blue asked us to vet a document. I clicked into it and was immediately overwhelmed by the poor way the document was set up, the sheer amount of writing (the current iteration is 68k words), and the... lack of substance in that writing. I only looked briefly before immediately realizing just how triggering this would be for me. The last time I handled a long document like that, it was for the SN drama. It was when I was being accused of shit, callout posts that made me split a new part. I could not do this document or read more in that moment.

So I stopped, and said I would not be helping. I am not in the group chat any longer, but I do have the screenshots Blue took.

My point about callouts doing more harm: it would only lead to harassment, and it did. Not of Sophie, remarkably; I overestimated how much reach Blue's post would have. Instead, it led to Blue and Hal having all of Sophie's 2000 followers having their eyes on them. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right.

Sophie does make a lot of mistakes. A callout like this WAS exactly what she wanted, because it let her drag out the drama for Syscourse Points for over a month after it was posted. It let her attack "weak" (read: traumatizing) arguments for months, and really hurt my friend. The callout didn't help anything, just like I said it wouldn't.

I was too gentle about my last point. Keep my fucking friends out of your callout documents. Don't make callout documents at all. If you didn't experience, don't fucking talk about it, I'm tired of this shit. I have never once seen it end without the victims being hurt worse than they had been. I told myself it would be fine if you asked the victim for permission. Newsflash. It wasn't.

I didn't mention how fucking atrocious the points in the document were because, 1, I could barely remember after closing it, because my brain was actively trying to avoid Trigger Mode, and 2, because I didn't want to be too insulting to Blue. I mean, nobody likes hearing, "your formatting is shit, your points are largely nonsense, and for fucks sakes, it's spelled Syscourse, not SysCourse."

I did not want to be an asshole. So I politely and kindly dipped out, making my reservations known.

Blue did reach out to Hal, who gave permission for their blogs and past Sophiecourse Drama to be used in the document.

July 10th, Blue posted the Sophie document. A friend of mine (who I am keeping anonymous, since they seem to have mostly escaped this absolute bullshit) reached out to me and said: "We're going to make the call now: This will blow up in everyone's face and cause harm for everyone involved in the following days."

They were right.

I read through the entirety of the document over the following days. I do not remember most of it, particularly because the formatting is next to impossible for me to understand. It's simply too much. To (once again) quote my friend, "It felt like it was extremely bloated." I have to agree; much of this was trumped up or extended so long to make the document seem more intimidating, and by proxy, make Sophie seem worse. When people see 68k words, they shrug and say, "TL;DR Sophie is bad, got it." It's disingenuous.

I don't recall much also due to the fact that I am intensely triggered by this shit. Sophie is an insanely triggering topic for many people. Trying to read what she's done made me forget it all over again. I'm so tired of caring.

Anyways.

Sophie did what she does; she put Blue on blast for several months over several posts, ripping to shreds the document, triggering countless people.

Dude reached out to me and explained that he had promised a friend that, if this blew up, that he would "burn tumblr and sophie to the ground." And he couldn't. He fucking couldn't do that, because Sophie is a person, and he had just started to see that, and he was not ready to burn that bridge because of Blue's document.

So I took matters into my own hands. I called out Sophie's damage that she does. I called out that she's okay with it. I explained that Sophie is a person, as anyone else is, and that she is also Syscourse Incarnate. At the time, she was the most active syscourse blog, period, flat out. I also ripped into the document, because exactly what I was worried about was what happened.

Notably, in said post, Dude said he didn't blame the document author for any of this. I don't blame Blue either. The document did not cause Sophie to pull her triggering shit. Nobody is to blame for someone else’s actions. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKES. THE CALL TO ACTION ON THE POST WAS FOR PEOPLE TO BE FUCKING NICE TO EACH OTHER.

I predicted in that post that syscourse would get worse, and it did. I let people know that, if they stopped, they would be able to witness syscourse eat itself alive, and that's what happened.

Sigh.

I posted the post, and then posted my going away post. I was getting rid of my syscourse dedicated blogs, condensing, deleting, moving, archiving -- I WAS FUCKING DONE.

I also reached out to Blue to let them know I didn't blame them. They disregarded that and said my post was directly blaming them. I asked them to point out where I blamed them, and they said I "framed the situation" as blaming them. They blocked me, particularly it felt like because I wasn’t condemning Sophie enough. As if that would do anything at this point but feed her more attention.

I tried to leave! Blue brought me back, revealing I was a mod on SAS, which wasn't public information. They complained that I didn't mentally endanger myself to let them know why the document upset me so badly. Go figure, it was upsetting, so I didn't speak up.

I edited the original Blowing Up Syscourse Post to address Blue's post, which led to Dude later making a post that explained, "Wait, Blue-Bubonic wasn't the point of that post, THE POINT IS TO BE NICE AND STOP SYSCOURSING."

Nobody got the message.

Everyone continued to be assholes.

It got worse, just like I said it would.

Whatever The Fuck Era, Can We Move On?

Anyways, I was in the middle of moving at this point, with teaching suddenly being hell, EMDR falling through, suicidality spiking, relationship bumps, health scares -- genuinely, a lot of shit, none of which I owe you all. My therapist looked at me and told me I had to take time off work, because he didn't think I would survive until the end of the month. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that if I took time off in October, it would lead to me killing myself.

That's where I've been these past few months.

Blue-Bubonic had some sort of drama with Noxsyscourse. I did not pay attention to most of it. I didn't want to pay attention to it. I just wanted to be left alone. I have so much more important shit than dealing with syscourse! I don't fucking stalk Blue's blog! I shouldn't have to write this shit!

But now we get to:

The Problemaddtic Plague

AKA, "The Plural Community Traumatized Us." That document Blue wrote strictly because Sophie is just such a monster that she needs to be deplatformed? Now includes me, nox, dude, sophie, I think Cambrian? I don't know, it's too many damn words for me to follow. I genuinely do not have the time to fucking reread the entire goddamn document. I cannot devote myself to someone else's blatant trauma spiral.

And yet, here I am, doing so, because I am at my limit.

Over the past few weeks, Blue has been having a very public meltdown on their blog about me and Dude's crimes. Primarily Dude, but the issues they have stem from my "Callout" of them. Reminder: I never once said their name in the original post. I did not focus on the callout, beyond saying it was poorly written. I only mentioned it as context for why Sophie's bullshit amped up.

I do not follow Blue, nor does Dude. Dude has been blocked for a very long time and does not look at Blue's blog. We were alerted to this by a very concerned friend. They wanted to warn me, October 23, that Blue was posting vitriol about Dude.

I'm not linking all of them here. These posts are very, very obviously a traumatized individual having a very public trauma spiral. They weren't tagged in main tags, and I can only thank God for that. However, I will address a few things from the 7 posts I can see about Dude.

My pronouns are They/Them. You repeatedly called me He/Him, and once They&, the latter of which can be incredibly triggering for my dissociation. Just... for future reference, for all those reading (which should not be Blue) -- I use They/Them.

Blue said they didn't WANT Dude to be nice, they NEEDED him to be nice. If you are this attached to an internet stranger for your emotional needs, then you are in desperate need of help. People online should not be your emotional crutch.

Blue did not "usher Dude into the pro-endo community." Blue welcomed him, along with hundreds of other people. Blue is not Dude's savior. They're a traumatized person, same as the rest of us, doing their best.

Nobody is weak for saying, "I'm too traumatized and fucked up to support this." Nobody is weak for saying, "The other side is a person too."

I did not publicly bash Blue. I never said their name. The document was bad in my eyes, but the post was not about Blue. It was about my friend, and the damage Sophie does, and the damage everyone in syscourse does, largely unintentionally -- though at this point, I have to think it's intentional.

Dude encouraged Blue to make the document which he told them he could not read, because he could not do it himself.

I do not "continue to bash Blue on SAS." I wrote a single post. One. Blue's the one who continues to bash us on their blog, writing post after post about me, when I have wanted nothing to do with them for months.

Someone can interact with a user who traumatized them, but still be too fucked up to work on a discourse filled triggering document. Those are two VERY different things.

Blue did post sexual content online. Blue DID post horrendous things. Dude did not get their blog terminated. They did that themselves, through their actions.

If years upon years of Dude fighting against Sophie and documenting her shit did not stop syscourse in its tracks to deplatform her, then Blue's document had no hope. To believe otherwise -- and furthermore, to blame Dude's lack of ability to work on a highly triggering thing on the document's failure -- is to be completely out of touch.

Anyways.

Me and Dude continued to ignore. We tried to keep Blue out of everything. We didn't want to draw attention to their public spiral. It was around this time, though, that I saw that the callout document was renamed, and that I was suddenly being listed as a traumatizer. Wonderful.

We still ignored it. Whatever, you know? People have spread lies about us since the day we became popular. Whatever. It's fine.

Nevermind that this is directly mimicking the trauma that Blue detailed about SN. Nevermind that this is exactly what happened before. Nevermind that we are trying to hold our tongues, just like last time, because we're trying to avoid once again retriggering a vulnerable person. Nevermind that we're both one step away from killing ourselves.

No, our feelings don't matter more than Blue's, clearly. And what does it matter, right? It's one person.

But then Blue decides to bring it up nearly a month later, in main tags, comparing Dude to Sophie, hurting everyone in the process. And then you started lying about what was happening, saying Dude still followed you.

Let's address that post briefly, actually.

The difference between Dude and Sophie's actions are that Sophie repeatedly brought it up to make fun of the trauma someone was experiencing, and to say that DNIs were pointless. Dude brought up Blue's DNI because it was added after Blue had already triggered half of syscourse, and Blue added it as some sort of shield for criticism. Dude was ignoring Blue's DNI because the DNI was being used in bad faith. Sophie was ignoring DNIs specifically to traumatize people (ahem, to "defend herself"). Those are not the same thing.

Blue did trigger CSA victims. That is not debatable; that is not something Blue can justify. "I only did it because I was triggered!" That's still not okay. That is still not justification.

Blue turned reblogs off on the post where they triggered anti-endos paranoia after it was already addressed and criticized. Blue then changed the post to have a cock and balls. This is bullshit.

"taking the piss outta the situation was all we had left." Reminder: "taking the piss outta the situation" was actually repeatedly tagging the public tags with things like "sucking my cock is all you're good for" and "sysmeds are just mad that im not dissociative," WHICH multiple people said triggered them.

"bc we were not traumagenic so its ok to dehumanize us." Nobody came after them because they weren't traumagenic. They came after Blue because Blue triggered them.

"mod dude doesnt have to take any accountability for their role in the whole thing because they r pro sys conversation now" They want the drama to be done. Blue kept insisting they draw attention to it.

And then a new blog formed calling Dude and me out in their pinned post, using Blue's document.

Snapping

Dude reached out to Blue via Discord. Everything finally came to a head, and Dude tried to get to the bottom of it, tried to understand what in the fuck was happening, tried to get Blue to understand what was happening.

Blue posted that Dude was trying to "silence them."

So.

Dude finally made a post. And spoke up. We weren't allowed to, last time this bullshit happened to us, so we finally are now, because for fucks sake, I don't want to die.

The post shows the discord conversation that Dude had with Blue. It isn't pretty. It's once again a traumatized person doing traumatized things.

Just like this post is.

Just like all of Blue's posts had been.

Just like all of this situation is.

Where's this leave us?

I don't know. It's Saturday. I have grades to do. I have a cold house with no heat. I have a partner to take care of, and hunger that needs fixing, and I'm so, so tired.

I'm actively suicidal. I'm trying to figure out how to stay alive long enough to marry my partner, if I still can.

But I also managed to update my fanfic last night. And I'm looking forward to seeing my kids rage about the end of the shitty ass novel we're reading. Maybe we can rage together. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving with my real family.

I'm trying to move past this.

I hope Blue can.

I hope Dude can.

I hope Nox, and Sophie, and everyone else in that shitty document or affected by this bullshit can.

And I hope those reading this can understand these things:

Callout documents are worthless beyond hurting people. That's all they do. Evidence: every callout document ever.

Drama like this shouldn't exist, but if it does, it should be private. Not broadcast to the tags on tumblr.

Everyone needs to leave us alone. Everyone involved needs to be able to be left alone.

If I catch any of my followers breathing a word in Blue's direction, you will be blocked. If I catch anyone in my inbox with a word about Blue, I will either be blocking you, or likely, I'll be too kind and send you a private message of "hey fuck you."

Please, just leave us alone.

[zozilly]

GHD|| Sailor Song by Gigi Perez is very Chrysanthe and Miraak...

[Edit: I wanted to @99corentine because this is their lovely fic that's consumed my life and also opinions]

So I was thinking about this fic, because I found it, read it on my flip phone, chewed it up and swallowed it in 12 hours over the span of three days, and I realized it is a very fitting song for these two at the beginning of their lil freakyship right after Miraak leaves Apocrypha. Now because I'm autistic and Skyrim is like the only thing I've consumed for two months now, I will be copy-pasting the lyrics and explaining.

[I saw her in the rightest way Looking like Anne Hathaway]

okay so this is to me, Chry seeing Miraak's face for the first time. I mean he was whipped, absolutely head over heels when he first met the guy, but like..... yknow?

Laughing while she hit her pen and coughed, and coughed[unrelated they didnt have pens.]

[And then she came up to my knees Begging, "Baby, would you please Do the things you said you'd do to me, to me?"]

THIS. this is my part. my lil bit. my absolutely pathetic mommy issues emotional neglect having ass itches amazingly for this bit. ABSOLUTELY this is both of them. Chry to Miraak in the "Hey I'm the most wet-cat man you'll get, and I am a tradgedy for you, please love me in a way that makes me forget those moments after thralldom." Miraak in his fucking "Silgron I have been trapped as no more than a pet for 4000 years, you are *mine* and you promised me so much, in exchange for small favors and such. I *need* you. Like I need no other."(because he is dramatic and a queer. and also has chewy amazing sour patch kids flavored character development that I enjoy normally.)

[Oh, won't you kiss me on the mouth and love me like a sailor? And when you get a taste, can you tell me what's my flavor?]

theyre both patheti and love starved with extreme guilt.... like pooka what do you want from them?

[I don't believe in God, but I believe that you're my savior]

THISTHISTHIS... Chry literally was saved from thralldom by Miraak and Miraak from Apocrypha!!! Chry is wholly hesitant to really belive in the divines, clearly stating he steps outside those boxes, and Miraak literally says he doesn't give a crap because his gods were the dov, whom he rejected. but he owes his freedom to Chry, and vice versa.

[My mom says that she's worried, but I'm covered in this favor

theyre both without parents.

[And when we're getting dirty, I forget all that is wrong]

gay fucks get emotional when they say gex

[I sleep so I can see you, 'cause I hate to wait so long I sleep so I can see you, and I hate to wait so long]

telepathy, must I say more? No? ok I will<3 Chry has said he's gonna go beddy bye so he can talk to Miraak.

[She took my fingers to her mouth The kind of thing that makes you proud That nothing else had ever worked out, worked out]

Miraak and his oral fixation<3 and his past with that one priest or wghatever.... I read that bit at like midnight....

[And lately, I've tried other things But nothing can capture the sting Of the venom she's gonna spit out right now]

oh? Chry thriving off of Miraak being possesive??? oh????

[Oh, won't you kiss me on the mouth and love me like a sailor? And when you get a taste, can you tell me what's my flavor? I don't believe in God, but I believe that you're my savior I know that you've been worried, but you're dripping in my favor And when we're getting dirty, I forget all that is wrong I sleep so I can see you, 'cause I hate to wait so long I sleep so I can see you, and I hate to wait so long]

we done this b4

[And we can run away to the walls inside your house I can be the cat, baby, you can be the mouse And we can laugh off things that we know nothing about We can go forever, until you wanna sit it out]

when they when they in lakeview... when they they when...

[nightclimes]

ao3 wrapped: 1, 3, 12, 18

This got STUPIDLY LONG woops

1. How many words have you written this year?

I honestly cannot tell you.

If we go by AO3 statistics, it's 147,999. This is incorrect because it includes all of Bloodstains - which I wrote in 2022/23 and posted the final 8 chapters of it this year. That removed, it's 27,999... which is still incorrect because three of the remaining five fics posted I didn't write this year (one I was holding for my January 1st ouihaw tradition, another I left for a few months and came back to later to touch up and post, another is a very dusty threeway I wrote as concept exploration that I am even now still uncertain about) and i have fic yet to post this year. What is it about wraps and not including December...

The next number problem is... i write a lot of words on my phone. Some of these are musings and dialogue and whole passages which have successfully been incorporated into fic. Others are editing thoughts for things I haven't begun touching up in earnest. A significant number of these are never-see-the-light-of-day words that I don't ever intend to share; I genuinely do not know how many of these there are. Somewhere between 50-100k if i had to guess. (I know one of them is 30k because i checked when the notes app got extremely slow in loading it, lmao :'))

The actual number of words written this year, in documents, that I can feasibly track, is 93,899. This includes nanowrimo. This does not include two websites worth of notes, one which is around 9k words and the other in excess of 23k. Guess which of those isn't finished.

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

almost crystal, almost ascian, an FF14 fic about a potential friendship and the parallels between Minfilia and the Crystal Exarch on The First.

Minfilia and her role in those 100 years before the wol arrives is not really explored in depth in game and the two of them are so similar and alone, pursuing the same end but with different means, and they didn't have to do what they did but they did. for the person that inspired, inspires them the most. Frankly I don't think she gets enough credit or consideration at all so this is me addressing the balance; and I still think about this fic often. I have inspired other people to think about this too and that's all I could ask for really. Forever feral about it.

I'm also really proud of lay your curses out to rest but for entirely differing reasons, because I really nailed the feeling and exploration of grief I was going for.

12. How many WIP's do you have in your docs for next year?

Let me answer this in a roundabout way: I want to post Midnight Hour (11k) - the final fic in the ongoing arc of Viper's Kiss - before the end of the month, so I can post the accompanying spice element (3k) on January 1st. See ouihaw fic tradition.

Then I have two more spicy fics to post at some point. I don't anticipate them needing much in the way of further edits, which is why they have escaped notes app purgatory and landed in their own shiny documents.

There is also. Zero spice. That I would like to free, I think. idk if I should change Ashe to be more generic, but it has some solid vibes. I just really like writing Ashe with women rediscovering their humanity, what can I say.

I guess Ashe site also counts for this question?? I wrote about half of it in October, took a break for Nano, didn't go back to it yet because I'm waiting for the new hero release next week, because Hazard effects a lot of what I previously wrote - she might have a whole person she knows in the roster that isn't the man who betrayed her - and I need to hear their interactions, as well as just, his in general. Because she's less out on a limb with her gang than she used to be. I also need to see if all the potential that could be given to her if she was utilised in lore has been transferred on to their new poster rebel and his found family instead. I'm not optimistic it hasn't because lol, she's a woman. Don't you dare forget about Ashe's familial relationship with an omnic, Blizzard. We'll see if I need to make angry grumblings.

I'm also going to start hopefully editing a 121k behemoth, Let's start some trouble, that I wrote in 2021, sometime next year. I read it back in September: my nonsense, she needs help. I have to rework a lot of motivations based on lore drops and me having written it way out of order. It's kind of daunting if I'm being honest; with my health I like to have at least a second round of edits done for the whole fic before dividing it into chunks of maybe four chapters at a time to fully focus on for final round to aid my poor memory and really get it right, but I might have to tackle this one chapter by chapter, which will make an upload schedule very erratic to say the least, and again, my memory is poor...

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Amélie. She isn't difficult for me to write at this point, but writing Amélie is always slow because she's very methodical and precise and kind of blunt - one word sentences, less is more, very felt. Ashe in comparison is very breezy? It's less a trouble thing and more just specifics. Sometimes writing Amélie going through the human experience requires me to be in an exact mood, or sit and painstakingly pick raw words to use, or to wait for the Amélie Hours to even try, which are usually in the middle of the night. She is simply a unique challenge.

Only the best for my love, though. She deserves it.

[the---hermit]

Current reads ans yet another picture from my trip to Aosta.

27|09|2022

Thesis diary #50

Yesterday I did manage to finish editing the first chapter of my thesis, I did study until dinner time, but I was very proud of myself at the end of the day. This morning I reread everything I fixed yesterday to make sure everything was okay and then I send the bibliography, the introduction and the first chapter to my professor. This process of rereading everything filled half of my morning, but I am happy i took that time because there were still a couple of things to fix (there's probably more that I haven't noticed, but the professor will tell me, I guess). I then went straight ahead with working on the new version of the second chapter, there's a bit more work to do with this one, as the professor has only corrected it once, but she gave me good instructions on how to make it better, so the work is going well. I plan on finish working on it by the end of the week. Idealy I'd like to also start working on the third chapter by the end of the week, but I am taking things as usual one step at the time.

Productive things I did:

reread and finished editing what I hope will be the final versions of the bibliography, the introduction and the first chapter of my thesis

wrote an email to the professor

started writing the new version of the second chapter of my thesis

started putting together a tbr for the next few months (will I follow the list? probably not, but at least I have a sort of list to give me inspiration once I finish reading the books I am currently reading)

Self care things I did:

read first thing in the morning

worked on my current crochet project while listening to an audiobook

📖: Hide by Kiersten White, The Green Mile by Stephen King (it's been on my tbr since forever, it will surely make me cry, and I didn't know it took place in Autumn so it's the perfect pick. There's this guy on youtube who makes free audiobooks that are absolute perfection and the last chapter of this recently came out so that's why I am finally picking this book up. If you speak Italian I recommend his audiobooks so much they're so well done)

🎵: Becky's So Hot by FLETCHER (told you I am currently obessed with her)

[thedandelion-writer]

❝sleeping habbits, liyue edition❞

Pairings: Xiao x gn!reader, Ganyu x gn!reader, Zhongli x gn!reader, Keqing x gn!reader

<- Mondstadt edition

A/N: I just thought it'd be cute, okay?

P.s. This is a modern au just because

He sleeps with a nightlight and you cannot tell me otherwise

Don't tease him about it! He will get all cold and snappy

You know why he keeps it on though, it helps with the nightmares

Xiao doesn't really like to sleep, so sometimes you have to coax him into bed

Even then, he's always up before you are

You rub your eyes awake, rolling over to his side of the bed. It was cold, evident that he'd been up for a while now. The window was open, letting in the cool morning air. Xiao always said it helped calm him when his head started getting too loud.

"Breakfast is getting cold," came a gruff voice.

He was leaning against the doorframe.

"It's not my fault you made it so damn early," you yawned and stretched, not bothering to even sit up.

"Come kiss me good morning, or else I'm going back to sleep."

You closed your eyes, offering him your cheek while still comfortably swaddled in blankets. It took some time for him to come over, the crossed arms and annoyed face did nothing to cover his red cheeks.

Briefly pressed his lips to your temple, muttering a "childish" before he walked out.

Sometimes, you'd even have to sing him to sleep

He won't ask you to do it, but when you do, he sleeps relatively better

Acts like he doesn't want you close but when you snuggle up to him, he never refuses

Lets you steal all the blankets because he'd give you the world if you asked for it

The type of person to have a schedule of when to sleep and when to wake up

According to Ganyu, sunlight is nature's alarm clock

She keeps the curtains open to let natural moonlight in because for some reason, it makes her feel safe. And in the morning, she's up when the first rays of sunshine hit her face

Would love to sleep in if she could honestly, but duty calls (she'll just take an afternoon nap later)

Also snores lightly, not enough to disturb you, but enough for you to coo to yourself at how adorable she sounds

For some reason, it was still dark, and you were already awake.

"What time is it," you made sure to lower your voice, then propping up your body on your elbows to check the time on Ganyu's bedside table.

"4:32 am...what the hell..."

You looked over to your sleeping girlfriend, hair looking an even deeper hue of indigo due to the pre-sunrise sky. She whimpered, shifting about a little, and you were afraid she would wake up, so you caressed hair ever so gently.

"Shh, it's alright," you whispered. "That's it, don't wake up yet, you've got a busy day tomorrow."

You kept your hand on the side of her head, eventually falling asleep to her soft snores and the peacefulness of it all.

She gets cold feet, so one day you decided to buy her a bunch of cute socks and now she wears them everywhere. Even to work!

Ganyu also likes scented candles, preferably nature inspired fragrances like rain, grass, etc

You grew to like them as well, and now you both can't sleep without lighting one every night before bed

This man sleeps like a rock

No pun intended, I'm being serious

If anyone remembers that scene in Mulan 2 when Mushu unsucessfully tries to wake Shang up by crashing his cymbals? Then yeah, like that

Minus the part where Shang eventually wakes up

I'm only half kidding

He doesn't move either. Like at all.

Zhongli would stay in the same position throughout the night, which is usually facing you

This makes for opportunities

"Lao gong~" you inched your face closer to his, testing if he was asleep before proceeding admiring him as if he were a marble statue at a museum.

You poked his cheek. No reaction. You brushed his bangs away from his forehead, kissing him there, down to his nose and then at the corner of his mouth. You'd have to save one more for later.

"Truly, how did I get so lucky?" You settled in between one arm, lying your head down on his chest.

If only we could stay like this forever. That would be enough.

The beating of his heart matched yours, the sheets intermingled your warmth with his, never have you felt this connected to another being. In the quiet moments of the night, you told him you loved him.

*lăo gōng (老公) a sweet way of calling one's husband

Whenever either of you have trouble sleeping, tea is always the answer (or just for those cold nights)

Therefore, a boiler, tea pots/cups, and a variety of tea bags could be found in the bedroom

Goodnight kisses are a must, almost always given from him to you.

No matter when she sleeps, Keqing will always wake up at the same time every morning

And no matter where you both start out at the beginning of the night, she would always end up tangled with you

Not that you mind, but she got all huffy and embarrassed at first

Now she just accepts that it's her fault

Something was tickling your nose. In a bleary daze, you tried to lift your hand to swipe whatever annoyance was causing it--to no avail. Both your arms, and even your legs were locked down by a weight.

You blowed at it, scrunched up your face to hopefully get rid of the itch. Which backfired because your movements caused Keqing to stir, tilting her head up a bit and shoving hair into your already violated nostrils.

"Oh archons I'm gonna..." your eyes turned watery, shoulders rising as you tried to suppress it. And failed, yet again.

"A-ACHOO!"

You lurched violently, waking your lover up in the process. But at least the itch went away, and your limbs were no longer constricted!

"Y/N, couldn't you have sneezed into a pillow?" Keqing grumbled (as you can tell, not a morning person).

"I'm sorry I'm sorry, it's just...your head was so close to my face and-"

She held up a palm as if to say 'I get it, please shut up', and laid back down, scooching to the end of her side of the mattress.

As if that would do anything! She'd likely invade your territory again before daybreak, you guarantee it.

"Uhh- tian xin, maybe if you tied your hair? You know you're just going to come to me again."

Keqing thought about it for a moment (or maybe drowsiness delayed her reaction time), so she reached into her bedside drawer, handing you a ribbon.

She spread out her locks onto the pillow and turned to face the other way, pointing for you to do it for her.

You chuckled, getting to work, even giving her a short scalp massage in the process. After tying the knot, she was back to being fast asleep.

Snaking an arm around her waist, you kissed her shoulder, wishing to join her once again in slumber.

*tián xīn (甜心) meaning sweetheart

**mom i'm finally using my sucky chinese for something useful, aren't you proud?

You can't tell me she doesn't have at least one Morax plushie

One time you got jealous because it was like that one meme

Ah yes, my girlfriend and her favourite thing to cuddle to sleep, her Rex Lapis doll

You find out that Keqing actually needs to hold something to sleep properly

Which is cute but she'd deny deny deny

Later on, she latches onto you (as shown above)

You're warm, she says

[in-the-name-of-styles]

Need You.

Author’s Note: Hello! After answering tons and tons of asks, and explaining how Tumblr had deleted the second part “Please Stay” to my one shot named “Only If” for god knows what reasons. I had to do this for you guys. I stopped writing years ago, and but kept my masterlist open for you to come and read my writings whenever you wish to. Trust me, this was so effing difficult for me to do! but I’m kind of proud that I removed the time and managed it. but let me inform you it’s not the same, because I do not remember what happened in the original one clearly. I hope this is a better and hopefully more well-written (amongst my other writings *cringe*) version of the old one.

It’s not proof read. I haven't edited it, so I’m sorry in advance for the typos. 

So, guys, gals and non-binary pals, I present to you (apology for it being light years late) the part two to your favourite little creation of mine “Only If”, with a new identity... please welcome “Need You”!

Do let me know how it makes you feel in the ask box or comment section. I love reading them. Happy Reading!

Word Count: 5K

Warnings: tons of angst with tons of fluff, sensitive harry???? (or do you guys call it sub!harry nowadays??) anyways it’s a cute!harry :P !

.

It’s been four hours, and you still weren’t back. Though it wasn’t new for you to go for a drive after an argument with him, you often came back within an hour or two. The blizzard outside was making Harry quite anxious. Even though the fight was extreme, he wanted you back safe and sound. He now realised how harsh he was on you. You didn’t intentionally leak the song. It was a mistake and it could happen to anyone, himself included. He felt guilty over the way he yelled at you; it wasn’t like him to react like that.

Suddenly, Harry felt the need to do something special for you. Though he planned on apologising to you verbally, he wanted his actions to prove it too. He made his way to the kitchen to cook you your favourite meal. He got a hold of his phone and switched on the playlist which include all the songs both of you enjoyed. the sound of the vessels clucking against each other minimised over the song playing on through the speakers.

A smile lit up on his face as he reminisced back to the moment when you were dancing to this song while making the two of you breakfast.

FLASHBACK

Harry rubbed his eyes as he walked down the stairs, his dimpled smile already making its appearance when he heard your voice blasting through the kitchen entrance. He didn’t know why you bothered turning the song on so loud, you were anyways going to be louder. He stopped at the kitchen entrance, a silent laugh escaped him as he leaned against the door frame and took in the scene going on in front of him.

“You say you want a good time! Well here I am, baby, here I am, baby” you belted out loud, cheeks turning red with the happiness radiating out of you. You’d decided that the whisk was your microphone of choice with batter stuck to it and everything. You’re moving those luscious hips which drive him crazy right to the rhythm of the song.

“Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me talk to me, tell me what's on your mind!” you missed a note but you don’t care. This scene right in front of him, he wished he could capture and watch it forever. Bruno Mars did bring a wild side out of you, and he couldn’t bring himself to be jealous of the multi-talented singer. He would give anything to see you like this. Knowing you’re the shy type who doesn’t enjoy too much of attention, getting to watch you like this was definitely a sight.

He walked right up to you and wrapped his arms around you slowly. You jumped in a scare, as you were lost in your own world. “Harry! You scared me.” You complained, trying to ignore the blush on you cheeks after you realised he must’ve been watching you from a far.

He nuzzled into your neck and sighed, while pressing a kiss there, “Hmm… I’m sorry, m’love. But you just looked so beautiful I didn’t want to stop you.” He murmured while pressing more kisses to your neck, then trailing them up to your jawline. “Y’ look utterly ravishing right now. Forget pancakes, instead I’ll have you for breakfast.” He smiled and went on to kiss your cheeks. His comments made you smile. He saw his chance and lightly bite the side of your cheek. You squealed and tried to push him away.

“H, stop!” you laughed. He tightened his arms around you and swayed to the beat of the song then went on to sing next lyric “Tell me baby, tell me, tell me baby what you tryna do!” he slightly lifted up your t-shirt and moved one of his hands under it, and muttered, “huh? What are you trying to do to me, baby?” and pressed yet another kiss to your cheek.

“Gosh, your hands are extremely cold!” you gasped. He then turned you around to face him. You instinctively wrapped your arms around him. The two of you smiled quietly towards each other, then he leaned down to kiss you properly. You shifted one of your hands into his the nape of his neck and the other went on to cup his cheek. He moved one of his around your shoulder and the other around your waist. Both of you sighed and bathed in each other’s presence.

“G’morning, froggy” you teased as pulled away first and smiled up at him. He frowned and tutted, then smacked your ass lightly. You always teased him for his morning face, said it looked like a cute frog. He rubbed the area he spanked and quickly pecked you once again before pulling away to look at you.

Brushing away the hair stuck to your face, “Morning, precious. How’re you feeling?” he asked, hugging you towards his chest. Let’s just say the rest of the day went on just like this. Him being needy for your attention, and you loving on him without any hold backs.

END OF FLASHBACK

Right as he was getting ready to plate the dish, the doorbell rang. He smiled, happy to finally have you home. He quickly washed his hands and walked up to the door as he rubbed his hand dry with the towel which was once on his shoulder. He buzzed you in thinking you’ll unlock the main door with the security code. But after two minutes of waiting and not seeing you walk through the door, he turned on the camera above his buzzer to see what was wrong.

He frowned when he saw two police officers standing outside his door. His heart suddenly started racing at rapid speed. He rushed towards the door and unlocked them. Coming face to face with the two sombre looking men, he tentatively asked, “G’ evening, officers. How may I help you?”

The two men exchanged looks and the tall one replied, “Sir, there has been an accident and we found an ID on the victim. Is this Ms. Y/N Y/L/N residence? we’re here to inform you about the unfortunate event.”

“I-I don’t understand? What happened?” he stuttered, his legs almost felt as if they were about to give up.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have much information for you. May we ask what’s your relation to the victim?” the other officer asked, and gave him an apologetic smile.

“Fiancé.” He cleared his throat, trying to calm himself down. He could feel his panic attack rising. “I’m her fian-” he shook his head, “Just tell me where she is please…” he pleaded and quickly put on his shoes. He took his car keys and raced up to his rover.

“She’s over at St. Thomas, Mr. Styles.” The officers had clearly recognised the distressed man. “Here’s her ID. We hope everything is well.”

Harry couldn’t bring himself to thank them as he started his car and backed out of the parking spot. He raced up to the hospital, and once he reached, he ran up to the reception.

“Y-Y/N Y/L/N? S-She just c-came in? I’m her f-fiancé?” He gasped out your name. The lady was busy tending to others to notice him. “Hey! Hey! Please ma’am just tell me where she is!” he was on the verge of weeping in front of her.

The old lady looked at him with a bit of annoyance, “Take a breath, young man. I’m trying my best here!” She walked up to him. “Now tell me, what was her name again?”

“Y/N Y/L/N!” He rushed. He couldn’t stand straight. Once he got what he wanted, he ran towards the elevator, up to the fifth floor. The corridor was busy and he couldn’t care less about pushing people aside. He just wanted to get to you as soon as he could. He found your door and barged in, not caring about the doctors around your bed.

“Y/N!” He rushed to your side, dropping beside your bed.

“Sir you can’t be her-” the male nurse tried to pull him back.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, precious!” He cried, trying to get the man off of him and get back to you. “I’m here now, okay? I’m not going anywhere- GET OFF ME. SHE NEEDS ME!” he yelled pushing the guy away.

“Hey man you’re no good to her at the moment yeah? Let the doctors do their job!” the nurse tried to make him understand while pulling him back yet again. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to reach to you. He sobbed over your state, blood was streaming down your forehead, and all he wanted to do was protect you and wrap his arms around you.

“No I need to be here! Please let me!” he cried. All of sudden a beep brought his cries to a halt. He looked around frantically wanting to know what had happened. “W-What’s wrong?!” he hiccupped.

The doctor and the nurses around him started rushing around the room. He then heard those words which made his heart stop, “She has flat-lined! Someone pass me the defibrillator!” the  doctor raised his voice.

Harry couldn’t believe this was happening. The nurse had enough of the unwilling man and pushed him out the door, “Sir we cannot help her if you’re being difficult. Please calm down and go to the waiting room. We will inform you about her doing as soon as we can.” and then shut the door to his face. Harry could no longer see you. The group of doctors, covered your body.

He slid down the wall next to your door and sobbed into his hands. Only if he would’ve stopped you from leaving. Only if he would’ve told you that he forgives you and that he loved you more than anything. Only if he would’ve let the argument die and kiss you instead. Only if…

Later, the upset man walked himself to the toilet. He caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t care about his red swollen eyes, his sweaty forehead and matted hair. The image of you lying on that bed yet again brought tears to his eyes. The thought of you not making it made him retch and he rushed into one of the restrooms. He dry-heaved and cried. Once he was able to breathe, he took out his phone.

Sniffling as he dialled the only number he could think of, The voice on the other side made him breakdown. “Mum I-” he couldn’t complete his sentence, as he tried to wipe his eyes.

“Harry? Darling what’s wrong?!” she asked shocked at her son’s rapid breathing.

“Y/N s-she is- Mum I can’t lose her. I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have let her leave. What if she doesn’t make it?” He wept while running his sticky fingers through his hair.

“Love, what-” she tried to ask him, but he cut her off.

“What if she…What if she dies, mum?” he cried and coughed.

His mother had figured out by now that you were not okay, and might be admitted in the hospital. She tried to calm her son through the phone. Unfortunately, she wasn’t near him and by the time she would reach it might not be enough. So she did the only thing she could once Harry hung up the phone, she rang up his friends.

Harry sat himself down on one of the wating room chairs. No one was telling him anything, he had no idea how you were doing or if you were okay. He was out of tears, and soon enough the exhaustion took over him. He didn’t even realise when he had fallen asleep until he felt a hand brush the back of his head. He opened his eyes and saw his two friends crouching in front of him.

“Hey buddy…” Louis smiled softly. Harry jolted back up, and got up to run towards your room. But before he could stand up straight Mitch stopped him. “H, they just came in here to inform us about her condition.”

“How’s she? Is she okay? Is she awake? She needs me, I need to be beside her.” He rushed. His two close friends, tried to calm him down.

“They said she’s stable now, mate. But we aren’t allowed to meet her yet, okay?” Louis stated.

Harry took deep breaths and looking at their extremely destressed friend, Louis pulled him into a hug. Getting the comfort he desperately needed, Harry started sobbing again. He was tired of crying but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

“Everything is going to be okay, Harry. She’s our little tigress, she’s going to pull through, yeah?” Mitch ran a hand drown his friend’s shoulder. Harry nodded lightly and tried to slow down his heart.

48 Hours Later

It’s been two days, yesterday Harry was allowed to visit you since they moved you out of the ICU. Thankfully, your internal recovery was rapid, and you could wake up anytime. He was getting a bit impatient. He wanted to see you open those shiny eyes and look at him the way you always did, with so much love that made him giddy and flustered. These past two days he’s been talking to you, continuously apologising for his behaviour, and how he’s going to make up for everything that went wrong. You just had to come back to him.

“and then Louis got frustrated because Mitch was not answering him. But that’s Mitch for you, right?” he slightly smiled and ran the hand which wasn’t holding you hand, through your hair. “You’re going to hate your hair, once you wake up. You always like them a certain way, don’t you? But don’t you worry, I’ll help you wash your hair as soon as you wake up and come back home.” He stated and kissed your hand. He was silent for a while, just continued to run his hand through your hair.

“You’re going to come back to me, right precious?” he asked quietly, “Why aren’t you waking up, huh? Your froggy needs you to open your eyes....” he continued, as he forced a laugh out of his throat which had a huge lump in it. His eyes turned misty as he continued, “I hate it here. Seeing you like this is a nightmare. I miss you so much. I miss you calling me annoying little names. I miss you smacking me when I’m being a narcissistic little prick. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you, and even though it’s just been two day, I feel like it’s been forever. Wake up, baby. Please…” he pleaded.

As the day turned into night, Harry decided to stay back. He asked for an extra blanket and a pillow for his makeshift bed on the couch. He didn’t know why he bothered because he spent the entire night sitting beside you, holding your hand as he fell asleep leaning against it.

You could listen before you could see. The only thing you could hear was the air conditioner and someone lightly snoring against your right hand. You tried to move your fingers as you opened your eyes. The bright light made you squint, you blinked rapidly as your vision cleared. You turned to your right and saw Harry’s peaceful face sleeping against your hand. You felt the need to clear your throat, and your eyes searched the room for a glass of water. But the sound made Harry wake up from his sleep. He lifted his face and wiped the little drool from his face and the little amount on your hand.

“whoops, you’d kill me now if you were awak-” he turned to look at your face, and he had to double take. He gasped, almost falling off this chair. “Y/N…Oh my- you’re awake!” he nearly yelled. He pressed the button to call the nurse and then cupped your face going on to press kisses to your face, “Baby I was so scared. I thought I had lost you!” He laughed his airy laugh and looked at you with utter happiness.

For some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. The words he said to you were the only thing swimming through your mind. For you time had stood still, like the fight had happened mere hours ago. You moved your face away from his hands. Harry frowned noticing this change in your mood.

“Hey what’s wrong? The doctor is on her way, yeah. Do y’need anything?” he asked frantically following your eyes round the room. He saw you eye the plastic cup beside your bed, “Y’ want water? Hold on I’ll get it for you.” He ran to the other side and brought the cup up to your face. You didn’t realise how thirsty you were until the first sip hit your throat, you started gulping it down quickly.

“Take it easy, precious. They took out the tube just yesterday.” He explained softly.

Once your thirst was quenched he kept the cup aside then went on to pull his sleeve over his knuckles and wiped the wet corners of your mouth. You moved your face aside yet again, he couldn’t understand what was wrong. But before he could ask you, the doctor came in to check on you. She did her tests and asked a few questions. She left as soon as she was done, and told you even though the injury looked worse than it actually is, you had take it easy for a couple of days.

Neither of you spoke for a few minutes, “How’re you feeling, love?” he asked quietly. You nodded, “I’m okay.” He came up to you and raised his hand to caress your cheek. But before he could touch you, your head turned to the opposite side. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he asked you.

“Will you please look at me? What’s happened, precious?” as he caressed your hair.

“Why should I look at you, Harry? So you can tell me how careless I am, or how I’m not trustworthy?” you rasped quietly. For a minute he was unable understand what you were trying to say. Then flashbacks from your fight the other night came back rushing to him. The things he said to you, and how guilty he felt later. His words had left a huge impact than he thought they did.

He took your face in his hand with very much to little force, he had to tell you this, “Y/N y’have absolutely no idea for how sorry I am for that night-” but you didn’t let him complete.

“That’s only because I got into this accident.” You snapped. He shook his head rapidly, he saw you getting worked up over this. You’ve always been a little firecracker, and you never failed to tell him when he was being a dick or to defend yourself quite amazingly, he always loved that quality. Apropos, he couldn’t let you hurt yourself in this condition.

“First of all, please calm down-” he started, “don’t tell me to calm down, harry!” you raged. He hated himself for smiling when you’re clearly very upset. But for the past few days he had to witness you lie there lifeless which had taken a toll on his mental state. He loved the fact that you were awake, so you yelling at him was more of a reward than a punishment. You looked at him sharply and saw him not taking you seriously, this brought tears to your eyes.

You sniffled and looked away from him to rest your head against the pillows on the raised up side of your bed roughly. Harry’s small smile melted away as quickly as it appeared. He rubbed the side you almost banged to the pillow, “I’m so sorry, precious. I swear I did not mean anything I said.” He pleaded and took a seat down on the chair beside you.

Right then the nurse which pushed him out of the room the other day and now was much like a friend to him entered the room with a tray which had a bowl of soup and jello in it. Harry smiled at him gratefully and took the tray from him as the guy set up the table on your bed.

“How’re you feeling, Ms. Y/L/N?” he asked once he was ready to leave. You gave him a small smile and said you were feeling better. The moment he left Harry looked back at you with a longing look on his face, when you refused to look at him he sighed and set the tray down on the small table and took a seat in front you on the bed. He looked at you as he removed the metal spoon from its cover, and then went on to remove the cover set on top of the soup. He blew light air on the spoonful of soup, then brought it up to your mouth. You refused to touch it. He sighed and looked at you pleadingly, “Y’ know someone told me we shouldn’t remove our anger on food.” He stated, turning your words against you.

You glared at him in anger for minute as he looked at you with a loving smile. “Please?” He moved it closer to your mouth, “You’ve got to eat it, I’m not budging unless you do, Y/N.”

Even though you wanted to stay stubborn, you were kind of hungry. So you let him feed you the soup. When he got to the jello, you refused profoundly. “But it’s the chocolate flavoured one! Remember the time we used to share one when I was here for my fractured foot? C’mon we’ll share this one too, if y’want?” he tried convincing you with his soft eyes.

“I don’t want to share it with you. Actually, I don’t want anything to do with you at the moment to be completely honest.” you snapped. You were aware of the fact that you were being very unreasonable and bitchy but it was his words that has caused extreme hurt to you. Your words hurt Harry, and it was evident on his face. He wrapped up the jello and cleared everything. The day passed, and in the evening your last visitor entered the room.

“There she is!” Louis came up to you and hugged you lightly, making sure not to hurt you. “Hello, darling. How’re you?” he kissed your forehead. Harry left you alone with him as he went to get the two of them some coffee.

“What’s happened to him? Why the long face still? I mean I get that Harry loves to pretend that he’s this macho man and all. S’ a bit ridiculous to be honest. Like who’s he kidding, he’s a puppy.” Louis laughed. You smiled at this.

“I’m still a bit upset with him over our fight. So I haven’t been talking to him.” You explained. Louis frowned at this and then sighed, “Oh love don’t do that... This has been very tough for him. Should’ve seen his state these past few days. The man has been a mess ever since the officers came to your house that night.”

“I’m trying, Lou. But I just can’t forget all the things he said. I was so hurt, I still am!” you rubbed your forehead, as it was beginning to give you an ache.

“He’s very sorry, Y/N. Trust me when I say that I’ve never seen him like I saw him that day. He just wanted you to wake up. He was just blaming himself, how he shouldn’t have let you leave the house.” He took a hold of your hand, “he loves you so much, darling. He’s absolutely mad over you.” He rubbed your hand, “A’bit obsessed if you ask me. If I were you I’d have him get that checked with a therapist.” He joked, you laughed loudly. He smiled with you, and passed you the water you signalled for.

“Forgive him, Y/N. He can’t even bring himself to go home. The only time he went there was to get some clothes, and to put the dinner he made for you in the rubbish bin.” He sassed. “and I know I’m speaking for Mitch too here when I say this, but both him and I could use a break from all the non-stop stress weeping calls we’ve been getting from him.” You gasped at him with a mock offence for Harry, and lightly smacked his shoulder. You were always thankful for Louis in moments like these. He was a great friend to you and Harry.

Harry came back with two coffees and passed one to his blue-eyed friend. He took a seat on the sofa which was against the wall, and the three of you, though it was mostly you and Louis, had a light conversation while the men finished up their coffee. Louis bid his farewell with another kiss on your forehead and a well wish, you thanked him and waved goodbye. Harry walked him out the door, and came back in a second later.

“Y’ need anything?” He asked as he took a seat on the chair beside you. You shook your head as you observed him fidgeting with the cuticles of his nails. He did that when he was anxious.

Neither of you spoke for a while. But the minute you heard a sniffle, you snapped your head towards him. You tried to get a look at his face, the tip of his nose was a bit red and he was now fidgeting with his feet too. He wasn’t crying but he sure was on the verge of it.

You suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of love for the man in front of you. You leaned against your bed and sighed, smiling a little. It’s pathetic how in love you were with each other. You couldn’t even stay mad at him.

“Harry?” You whispered softly. He hummed without looking up. So you continued, “I need you to do something” you faked a stern voice to play with him a bit more.

“Yeah sure, what’s it?” he muttered as he got up and rubbed his hands down his thighs, then finally looked at you. You looked at him without an expression and said, “I need you to come here and give me a good cuddle, a kiss too if I like the cuddle.” And then smiled at him lovingly. He looked at you for a second. You almost thought he was  going to yell at you, but the opposite happened. He started tearing up and heavy tear drops ran down his cheeks.

You gasped and quickly leaned forward to take a hold of his hand which was near you. “Oh Harry..” You whispered as you pulled him near you. He the minute you sat him in front of you, he started crying heavily. You were so shocked yet you’ve never been more mesmerised by him. You quickly tried wiping his tears away and comforted him, “Honey, don’t cry. I’m not upset anymore!”

“I-I’m honestly s-sorry! I promise I didn’t mean what I said that day, Y/N!” he tried to speak while wiping his tears.

“I know, babe. I know!” you tried to say it properly but it came out in a laughing manner and tried to draw the crying man close to you, but seeing you laugh made him more upset and he pushed you away lightly, so you forcefully pulled him into a cuddle.

He told himself he’s letting himself be pulled because he didn’t want to hurt you, but it was actually because he wanted you close, so he went in head first. You lay down against the pillows and cuddle him against your chest. He went on sniffling into your neck and wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Harry why are you crying!” you tried controlling your laughter. He whined and pulled his face away, “Y’were so fucking mean since the moment you woke up. I didn’t expect it.” He said and hiccupped, thanks to the sobbing breakdown he just had. You pulled on your lips so you wouldn’t smile.

“Well now you know, honey. It hurts, doesn’t it? You were so mean to me too!” You teased. He nuzzled back into your neck, pressing kisses there which always made you giggle.

“I’m really sorry, precious. Honestly, I really am.” He said into your neck, yet producing another hiccup. You couldn’t control yourself anymore so you smiled and pressed a quite a few smooches to his temple, and inhaled his comforting scent.

“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you. I’m sorry for my foolish mistake too, I really didn’t mean to ruin your hard work like that.” You apologised. He pulled away and brought the hand that was around your waist to your cheek and said, “I forgave you a long time ago, but you honestly don’t have to apologise at all. It could happen to anyone, m’love. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Y’know I made dinner and everything as an apology. But then the officers…” his tone dropped and he couldn’t continue. So, you sadly smiled and pulled him in for a kiss.

He sighed and reciprocated the kiss with so much love and passion that you couldn’t help but wrap the arm which around his shoulder a bit more tighter and ran the other through the back of his head gently. The two of you pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes, he moved the hair that escaped from your braid and tucked it behind your ear, “I was so scared. I thought I had lost you.” He whispered softly, and swallowed the small lump, “I missed you a lot, baby” he said and you couldn’t help but peck his cute pout.

“I missed you too, froggy” you replied. The pet name made him reward you with a dimpled smile. He nuzzled into your neck and whispered, “I love you.”

“and I love you.” You kissed his forehead.

“Just for your information, I’m not letting you out of my sight for a really long time.” He stated sternly.

You laughed but stopped when you saw he wasn’t joking, “You know I have to work, right?”

“Y’can easily take a break for a month or two.” He said, as he yawned and cuddle closer to you. “A MONTH OR TWO?! Have you gone mad?” you gasped, lightly pulling on his hair.

“No I haven’t. Try to get rid of me, baby. I dare you.” He laughed a scheming laugh. You knew he wasn’t joking. He tended to become quite paranoid and obsessive over you when situations like these occur. But you wouldn’t have him any other way.

“We’ll see, mister.” You said, and caressed the back of his head.

“oh we will, missus.”

The End.

Author’s Note: I really put in a lot of efforts on this one, so you guys kind of owe me *wink* y'all gotta humour my praise kink now!!! ;P

Love you guys! 

[worminstuff]

hey luv !! your ficus are so good and one of the few things giving me serotonin rn. if it’s not to much trouble, could you do number 20, panic attack, with sapnap because ive been struggling with those lately. tysm !

i wasn’t going to write today, because i’ve also been feeling a bit down, and it’s a bit of a busy day, but for an ask like this i cant say no.

i know you guys don’t know me personally but if you ever need anything (even if it’s an ask like this) please let me know! i won’t mind at all! i love all of you wit my whole heart!!!! i hope you feel better anon, panic attacks are hard, but it’ll all be good once it’s over! and they never last forever! and i’m glad my writing makes you a lil happy, that means so much!!!!!

sorry for all that,,,, here it is!!

Sapnap x reader

tw: panic attack

^^^^^^^^

You were sat on the floor of your bedroom, trembling and overwhelmed. You couldn’t pin point what exactly was causing this panic episode this time, but that could just be because of your panicked thoughts.

Your phone was buzzing, it seemed like it had been forever. With a trembling hand, you reached for your phone. The bright light of your lockscreen lit up your face in your dark room.

20 missed calls from nick❤️

10 missed calls from green man🐢

9 missed calls from sam🙃

15 messages from nick❤️

12 messages from green man🐢

And the list went on, texts from wilbur, from tubbo, and even tommy.

You’d been offline for about 2 or 3 days (you lost count) and everyone was getting worried. You weren’t going to look at any of the texts, as your vision was seeming to blur, until you caught a glimpse of one.

I’m coming over.

It was from Nick. The thought of someone seeing you right now sent your brain into another spiral.

What was he gonna think after he saw what a mess you’d become?

Your thoughts were interrupted quickly when you heard the jingle of keys and your front door open. You’d forgot nick had his own key.

Heavy steps moving quickly through your house brought the gentle giant to your doorway suddenly.

Looking up at him through an ocean of tears you could faintly see his face fall.

His heart broke at the sight of you, instantly he moved over to where you were, sitting behind you with his legs on either side of you. Before wrapping his arms around you he asked gently,

“Can i touch you? Or no touch?” He was quiet, not wanting you to get startled. With only a nod from you he understood and gently pulled you to his chest.

No further words where spoken as he held you through the worst of it, your heaving breath and shakes didn’t cause him to move a bit.

He waited a bit for it to slow, breathing with you, trying to steady your breath. After it was sort of steady, less of hyperventilation, he rested his head on yours.

“Can i run a bath? Or are we hungry? We can go for a ride too...or we can take a nap..or if you wanna call Nikki or Will..I know they usually help with these..” Nick wanted to give you anything and everything. If you asked him to buy tickets to florida to see clay, right now with those teary eyes and shivery hands, he would hand you his wallet instantly.

You turned, slowly, facing him now. You held his large hand in yours, looking at his hands. He lifted one Tucking a small strand of hair behind your ear.

“Did you edit the video you needed done for today?” You looked up at him finally.

He chuckled softly shaking his head. How could you possibly be thinking of that right now.

“I did but it doesn’t matter, what do you need right now bub? How bout some water to start? With some ice maybe?” He stroked your cheek softly, a small smile on his face.

You nodded a bit but when he started to get up a small whimper left your mouth.

“Cant be here and getting you water babe..I’ll be right back I promise.” He gave you a little kiss on your forehead and then got up slowly and made his way out of the room.

Once he came back he sat in front of you, putting the water down gently inbetween you both.

“After some water how about a nap? You look like you haven’t been sleeping good..” his hand gently laid on your knee, rubbing it softly.

You took a sip of the water and nodded shakily.

You both sat as you drank your water in a comfortable silence, until your phone was ringing again. Before you could look at it, Nick grabbed it, glancing at the screen.

“It’s clay. He’s really worried too, how about I answer and just let him know I’m here so he calms down” he laughed a little, and you nodded.

As he answered you could hear clay faintly,

“Oh my god! You finally answered, jesus Y/n I am so worried, so is nick. You need to call him. He’s been a total utter WREC-“

“HEY! Woah there, I’m fine actually but thanks. Y/n’s okay too, I’m with her. Just wanted you to know she’s okay.” Nick cut him off before he went further.

You sort of tuned out the rest of their convo after finishing the water. You slowly scooted a tad closer to Nick, cuddling yourself to his chest. He wrapped his free arm around you holding you tightly. Once he finished talking to Clay, he wrapped his other arm around you.

“I was so worried..next time..try, I know it’s hard but send me something, just a letter and I’ll know. I’ll be here so fast. I don’t care what I’m doing. I’m always free for you. I mean it.”

You only could respond with a nod, and he knew you understood.

^^^

everything will be ay okay, i love you an no matter what you did today I’m also proud of you. Breathing is a hard task yk.

[btsrunmylife]

fic author self-rec tag game

when you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you've written/fics you’re most proud of, then pass on to at least five other writers. let’s spread the self-love 💗

thank you for the tag @jktones 🥺💜 

This was actually a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not because I love everything I’ve written, but because I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with a lot of my works right now 😬 Anyway, here are some of my favorites!

-ˏˋ. Call Me Naïve ˊˎ-

Truthfully, I think I’ll always be living in the shadows of this story. I poured so much time and effort into this one and it was one of my best writing experiences to date. I’d been sitting with the idea for so long that when it came time to write it, it was easy. I kept the readers guessing, which was a lot of fun. t’s my favorite thing I’ve written to date and it makes me so happy whenever I see people noticing it for the first time. It’s also my story with the most notes to date, which speaks volumes to how well it was received. *sighs* Yeah, I just really loved everything about this one. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to write something like it again...

-ˏˋ. Gasoline ˊˎ-

This was my first (and only) one I’ve written for a collab. It was such a fun experience and it only took me about a week to plan out from beginning to end, even though it took me about two months to write and edit. But playing off the 2022 Season’s Greetings was so much fun! They really did set us fic writers up for interesting plot lines. The possibilities were endless...and I still think I have a few ideas up my sleeve if I ever decide to continue it... 👀

-ˏˋ. Cooking Class ˊˎ-

Ah, the one I constantly forget I actually wrote until people randomly start liking/reblogging again. I remember being so proud of this one when I first posted it, entirely inspired and enamored by ITS!Yoongi 🥺 It was my first time writing about him and I had a lot of fun fine-tuning his characterization. I still adore this story and its sequel The Date. It just feels like I wrote them eons ago already...

-ˏˋ. The Comfort Drabbles ˊˎ-

How could I not include this?!?! It’s not a fic, per se, but rather a collection of drabbles, where I aim to comfort the reader with a little scene of one of the members (or all of them). It’s, admittedly, challenged me at times, but I’ve always been the type to get excited over writing challenges. I always try my best, even though I fear I’m not always successful in knowing what people need to hear. My aim, regardless, is to create a safe and comforting space for the duration of the read. I hope I’ve at least accomplished that...

-ˏˋ. He is Love ˊˎ-

My baby. My first love. My heart, my soul. All rolled into one fic. Honestly, this was my very first fic on here and it will always be one of my favorites. I poured so much into this story because it was one that had been begging to be written for over a year before I decided to turn it into a Jungkook fic. The moment I did that, all of the pieces started to fall into place. I’ll never get over that. I was stuck on it, as an original fiction work, for so long and then BAM. It was done. I love it, I love the characters and the amount of healing/comfort that is in this fic. And I just...am infinitely proud of it. Forever and always.

I’m not sure who’s done this or who’s already been tagged, so please forgive me if you have been! Feel free to ignore as well! If anyone who I don’t tag sees this and would like to participate, feel free to!! I love hearing about people’s works! 💜

I’m tagging: @nabiolive @honeytae @myooniverse @sopebubbles @sor-vette​ @delacyrose224​ @sketchguk​ @bonvoyagenoona​ 

[veliseraptor]

got tagged for two fic writer memes yesterday! the one from @ameliarating first:

How many works do you have on AO3?

509.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

3,432,24. dang! that’s a lot of words

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

I have written for...counting the MCU as one fandom, on AO3 I have written for 32 fandoms, including at least one work in:

MCU, The Sillmarillion, Caliban Leandros, both DC and Marvel Comics, the book Barebacked by Kit Whitfield, Doctrine of Labyrinths, Doctor Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Wars, Black Jewels, Dragon Age, Lucifer, Dexter, Temeraire, Gentleman Bastard Sequence, Supernatural, A Song of Ice and Fire, Greek Mythology, Lymond Chronicles, Merlin BBC, Code Geass, Good Omens,  Death Note, and White Collar.

this is not a comprehensive list of every fandom I’ve ever written for, because it is not including ones that live only on FFN or Livejournal.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Life In Reverse tops the list (11066), aka my 200k Loki-centric post-Thor AU fic that I wrote between 2012 and 2018 and with which I have a decidedly complex relationship at this point. I love it but also I no longer think it’s my best work but also I credit it with teaching me a fuck of a lot about writing and writing longer projects in general.

With Absolute Splendor is rapidly catching up, to my astonishment (6559), despite having been posted for less than half as long. Aka the wedding planning fic that’s really just me mucking about in my Jiang Cheng and my Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian feelings, at length.

some good mistakes (4618) was my first foray into the Untamed version of “characters who hate each other going on resentful roadtrips together, feat. Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng.” I have gone on to write others and will continue to write more.

Unraveling (3069) is a little bit of a surprise but also not - it was originally just sort of WWP stuff for my ‘what if people remembered that blunt force trauma is a really bad thing actually’ problem that pops up sometimes, re: Loki at the end of The Avengers, and then it kind of turned into a whole thing. I personally think it’s the weakest of the installments of the series it belongs to, but it is the first one and also the one that gets least into the broader family dysfunction and depression stuff that probably is less everyone’s thing (but is what came out this fic that mattered more to me, personally).

I am a little surprised to see Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains (3068) here too! I was expecting one of the more...idk, mainstream concepts from the MCU to win out? But I also wasn’t expecting two Untamed fics to make it here, either. But I am stupid proud of this fic even if it is very extraordinarily unfinished. This is one of those unfinished fics that will nag at me unless and until I finish it, at least a little, because the concept - if I do say so myself - is so goddamn good and I think I was executing it pretty well, too.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Pretty much never. I was never very good at it and now I’d feel like I had to go back and reply to all of them and I just. I can’t do that. and when I do try to just start at the beginning I get overwhelmed very fast and start avoiding it.

Basically I decided that if it’s a decision between wrestling with myself to reply to comments versus actually doing more writing I’m going to end up landing on the latter as feeling both more doable and more productive.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

probably it’s The Worlds Forgotten, the Words Forbidden for sheer level of “so then what was the point” of it all. but like. I’ve definitely written a few extraordinarily miserable fics, and by “a few” I kind of mean “a lot.” Other nominees I’d put down might be nor autumn falter (for currently personally making me suffer most), once there was a way to get back home (for I think having the ouchiest summary), and Waiting for the Summer Rain (which remains one of my personal favorite Supernatural fics I wrote).

but like. there are 43 fics I have marked with Major Character Death warnings and every single one of those, pretty much, has a downer ending.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written several though not in a long time! My craziest probably remains the Morgoth/Cthulhu short I wrote that actually got sporked because someone took it seriously (???) enough to do that. But the craziest that actually has any merit, (I’d argue) is probably the Maeglin/Viserys one.

not linking to either, if you want to go find them I don’t think it’ll be that hard.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yeah, a few times on a few different things. More if you count “people who seem to like the fic but love telling you how much they hate the female characters you’re writing about in it” as ‘hate’ which I would but isn’t, you know, quite as straightforward. If I had a nickel for every time someone bitched about Jane in Life in Reverse, though...lots of nickels.

Do you write smut? if so what kind?

Sure do! But what does ‘what kind’ mean, I don’t know how to answer that question. I feel tempted to just put in my “Mike’s Hard Kinks” image edit in this space.

I guess usually I tend to write smut that at least involves a little bit of a kink? I don’t think I’d feel comfortable writing entirely kinkless smut. I think I’d feel weird about it, the same way I do when I write really nice fic, generally.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I think I did back when but I don’t remember anything about it. I feel like it was one of those mass data scraping things where my fic happened to be among those caught up in it.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! several actually, mostly into Russian and Chinese. every time it happens I’m immensely flattered that someone wants to put in that kind of work on something I wrote.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I think I’d be very, very bad at it.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

Depends on when you ask me! I could probably give you a top five but then I’d remember six that I forgot to mention five minutes later. I guess if I were to think about ships that feel like they hold very special particular places in my heart... Xue Yang/Xiao Xingchen, Steve Rogers/Loki, and Min/Rand come to mind.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

oh god do you want the whole list cause honestly I could just like. screencap the entirety of my “in progress” folder with a crying emoji watermarked over it. and that’s not getting into the fics that are like...half formed babies in my consciousness but not anywhere on paper.

and also I just hate to admit that I might not finish something.

you know what? the Lucifer/Good Omens crossover I started would’ve been a lot of fun. I’m probably never going to finish it, but it would’ve been great if I had. I know other people did it too but my contribution could’ve been amazing.

I can say this very boldly with the near certainty that I’m not going to finish the fic so no one will be able to disagree.

(...also the Last Herald-Mage fix it. that was going to be a good fic too, and also will probably languish unfinished forever.)

What are your writing strengths?

I’m pretty sure dialogue is my strongest point. Dialogue and emotions, which is why I always end up just wanting to write about characters talking and having feelings at each other.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Writing action sequences throws me into conniptions every time I have to do it and I will take drastic actions sometimes to avoid doing it at all, which probably weakens the work as a whole.

Also, I don’t plan ahead and this means I write myself into corners kind of a lot. If I wasn’t writing long, dense fic it wouldn’t be a problem but here we are.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I tend to avoid it unless it’s in the context of, as in CQL/MDZS fic, leaving certain terminology untranslated. I’m pretty sure I almost never write full exchanges of dialogue in a different language than I’m using for the narration within a fic, and generally speaking my reaction to other people doing it is at least mildly negative.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter was technically the first fandom I wrote for, but it was a crack fic I wrote to make my friends laugh more than anything; I tend to count Wheel of Time as my first actual fandom for which I wrote my first actual fic.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

some days the answer is “all of them” and some day the answer is “I don’t like anything I’ve written in my entire life” and I never like giving this a definitive answer. yesterday I reread efforts in a common cause (the bound copy!! thanks @spockandawe) and you know what, that was a good fic and I’m proud of it, so I’m going with that one, for this meme, today.

tagging: @mostfacinorous, @jaggedcliffs, @silvysartfulness, @mikkeneko, @kasasagi-eye, @curiosity-killed, how many people am I supposed to tag for this one anyway

[thekinghazzastyles]

Come Back To Me // Draco Malfoy

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x slytherin!reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, the second wizarding war

Would Count: 1169

Time Period: Golden Era, 6th and 7th Year

Authors Note: this idea came to me as I was watching an edit so enjoy lol. i don’t kill fred because that’s mean. :)

—Hogwarts, The Night Dumbledore Is Killed, Sixth Year—

I looked for Draco all night and I couldn’t find him. I heard from a third-year Ravenclaw that he was in the hospital wing. Rushing towards the wing I saw Draco leaving. “Draco!” he slowed down but continued walking. “Draco I know you hear me! I need to talk to you!” he sped up and continued to ignore me. “Draco Lucius Malfoy! You stop right there this second and walk your arse to me this instant!”

He stopped in his tracks and hesitated before turning around and rushing towards me. He keeps his head down while he grabs my hands and kisses both of my knuckles. We stood in silence as I let him reminisce this moment as I knew we wouldn’t have another like this for a while. His thumbs brushed over my hands and all that could be heard was our breathing.

“Hey,” I put my hand on his cheek, “look at me love.” He huffed before meeting my eyes and I lightly smiled at him. “Listen, I know what you have to do after you leave me tonight. I know you’re scared,” he tried to cut me off but I wouldn’t let him. “I love you, Draco. I will always love you. I’m on your side. When this is all over I need you to come back to me. That’s all I’m asking, just please come back to me. I’ll be waiting, okay?” I smiled at him as I waited for a response.

“I love you, Y/N. Merlin, I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever thank you. I promise, if it’s the last thing I do, I will come back to you,” he finished. We stood in silence as our foreheads touched. Occasionally, squeezing the others’ hands until he pulled away. “I have to go,” he whispered. I could faintly see the tears on his face.

“Alright,” I responded. He stared at me before leaning in. I just knew that this would be the last kiss for a long time so we made it count. “I’ll see you later, Draco.”

“I’ll see you later, Y/N,” he let go of my hands and walked away. “I’ll wait for you,” I whispered when he was out of earshot.

—Hogwarts, The Second Wizarding War, Seventh Year—

“Hey guys, can you stand next to me please?” I asked Fred, George, and Percy. “Please just stay close to me.” I cast a shield around us and waited for something to happen. There was an explosion. It would’ve hurt Fred if I didn’t say anything. I released the shield and they all looked at me. “I just had a bad feeling that something would happen to one of you. Better safe than sorry.”

We fought off a few more death eaters before I heard someone call my name. I turned around only to find Draco standing at the end of the corridor. I turned to Fred and Geroge looking to see if they would be alright without me. They both smirked at me and nodded. I smiled back at them and ran off towards Draco.

I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers through his hair. He squeezed me with an equal amount of force and we swayed there for what felt like forever. I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes when we finally pulled apart. Staring at each other intensely, I get a chance to really look at him. He’s grown to have bags under his eyes, but his eyes. His eyes aren’t as bright as they used to be, they were dull and sad. He pulled me in for a kiss before the twins and Percy walked up to us.

“Sorry to interrupt this little reunion but we must head to the courtyard,” Fred said. I nodded and took Draco’s hand as we slowly walked to the courtyard. “Are you going to stay with me?” Draco asked quietly while also hesitating. He was scared and I wanted to do everything I could to protect him. “Of course. Always, Draco. Never forget that.” He nodded and held my hand as we stood waiting outside for something to happen. “I love you,” he whispered into my ear. “And I, you.”

His father was calling for him, I knew once his mother started it would be harder to resist. Everyone’s eyes were set on Draco but he wasn’t going to move. His grip on my hand tightened and I rubbed his hand with my thumb to comfort him. His father bellowed at him once more threatening him with a hex before Draco flat out said no. He’s never stood up to his father and to do that in front of plenty of people had to have been terrifying.

—Hogwarts, After the War—

“I told my mother what I planned on doing, and well,  she wanted to say thank you,” Draco said as we sat outside. I smiled at him and settled my hand against his cheek. He nestled into my hand and smiled back at me. I knew this would be hard for him but I would always be by his side.

“I’m proud of you Draco. I’m so proud of you,” I whispered.  I really was. All his life he’d been following everything his father had to say and now he’s standing up for what he believes in. We stood there staring at each other until he lifted his head up and dragged me away from everybody. “What is it?”

“It was Snape,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Snape killed Dumbledore. He made an unbreakable vow with my mother. Merlin, I feel so terrible about it,” he shook his head and nuzzled into my chest. I rested my hand in his hair before I spoke. “Draco I’m more than a hundred percent sure that Dumbledore knew of your task. The fact that your mother and Snape made an unbreakable vow also means that Snape told Dumbledore. Dumbledore cared for all of us, he wouldn’t want you to live with something like that for the rest of your life.”

He looked up at me before sighing and nodding. I stood up and reached for his hand, pulling him to his feet. I walked with him hand in hand through the castle. We ran into Potter, Granger, and Weasley. We all stood there staring at each other before Weasley pulled me into a hug. I was confused but I hugged him back anway.

“Thank you Y/N. Grodric, thank you so much,” he pulled away but still held my shoulders. “May I ask for what?” He removed his hands from my shoulders before stepping back a bit, “you saved Fred. If you hadn’t told him to move next to you h-he wouldn’t be here right now. So thank you,” he finished, grabbing Hermione's hand and walking away. Hermonie smiled at me and Harry nodded.

“Salazar, I am so in love with you.”

[disneydreamlights]

Edge of Dawn

AO3 | FFN

Summary: Palpatine tells him the plan, Padmé tells him important news.

Anakin feels like he’s drowning in every commitment he has to keep.

[@anidalaweek for Day 5: Alternate Fandom. AU Inspired by Fire Emblem: Three Houses]

A/N: I don't wanna take up a ton of space in this for thank you's and acknowledgements but just would like to give thanks to Meltic, Ash, and Jenelle for being part of the creative process for this one shot. Meltic for basically coming up with the whole AU idea in the first place and Ash and Jenelle for listening to me talk about this and helping edit despite neither of you knowing a thing about SW.

This was posted on AO3 yesterday but because of how I format these posts unfortunately I didn't have the time to get it up on ffn and (as a result) tumblr until today, so whoops, kinda late submission.

“Anakin my boy, I’m delighted that you could take the time out of your schedule to come.” Anakin’s skin crawled as he greeted Palpatine with a hug. It was expected, given that Palpatine had been the one to adopt Anakin after his mother had died, making him the heir to the Empire, but despite that fact, it didn’t make him any more comfortable.

Not after Palptine had revealed his plans for Anakin at the end of the year, of Anakin’s true purpose at the Officer Academy, of the machinations of the Sith that had been building for over a millenia that Anakin would never have a say in whether he should fulfill. “It was the least I could do. How are affairs back home?”

“Things are going smoothly.” Palpatine’s smile was calm as ever, hiding the hidden meaning meant only for Anakin. “You’ve been doing your part?”

Anakin nodded. Despite his desire to be doing anything but, he’d been doing his part. Since the start of his final year Darth Vader, the mysterious Lord of the Sith, had been doing his “best” to incapacitate the other House Leaders. He, of course, wouldn’t do any lasting damage to them, but at least the illusion of playing along was enough to keep Palpatine at bay until he could figure out a way to tell anybody what was happening.

Palpatine’s grin grew wider. “I’m proud of you. Before long, the Sith will rise once more, the Jedi and all their useless preaching that cost your mother her life will be gone.”

“Are we sure we can’t recruit the other students?” Anakin asked, his mind going to Obi-Wan and Padmé. “We could–”

“Anakin, do you truly believe that you could sway the leaders of the Kingdom or the Alliance? They’ve been loyal to the Jedi Order for far too long. It has only ever been the Empire who has been willing to stand against them and their power.” The truth was, he knew he couldn’t. Obi-Wan was well on his way to being a Jedi, even if he was also the future king, and Padmé…

He couldn’t let himself think of her, not now. Not when he couldn’t imagine himself corrupting her light just so he wouldn’t lose her when Palpatine’s plans came to fruition. “You’re right. I’m sorry for stepping out of line.”

“Nonsense, they have been your peers for years. It’s only natural you would feel some... lingering attachment towards them.” There was a certain disdain to Palpatine’s words, implying that Anakin would one day no longer care about his friends in a way that made his blood run cold. “When the time comes, I am sure you will rise above them, and lead  our armies to victory.” After a pause, Palpatine started heading towards the door. “I shall leave you to your studies. I’m due for a meeting with Master Yoda. You know it’s best not to keep him waiting.”

Anakin nodded, ignoring the fear he felt towards the Sith, and the relief that he was leaving. “Of course, your excellency. Is there anything I need to know for the mission?”

“I believe Darth Vader should be making an appearance soon. Alongside Darth Tyrannus, I believe he has something to do with the disappearance of Knight Billaba.” Palpatine put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder. “I assume you’ll know what to do when the rescue attempt begins.”

“Of course.” Anakin did his best to keep his voice steady. “I’ll be ready.”

“I’m proud of you Anakin. You’ve done well.I know I can leave this operation in your capable hands.” With that Palpatine left, and Anakin let out a sigh of relief. If nothing else, he knew the mission; he could plan how to help the others survive it when the chance came.

While he took a moment to gather his wits and calm down, a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. He turned, surprised to see Padmé standing there with a worried expression on her face. “Ani?”

Just having her near him was enough for Anakin’s fears and worries to melt away, and a small smile formed on his face. “Angel, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

“Are you alright?” While she didn’t know a lot of what was going on (or anything, really) Padmé did know that Palpatine had been putting undue pressure on him, more than he could handle. She was his confidant, the love of his life, his everything.

He ignored the fact that if Palpatine had his way he would be betraying her sooner than not, choosing instead to pull her into his arms and bury his face in her hair. “I will be, it was just another request of his. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I can’t help it if I do, you’re under so much stress lately.” She didn’t pull away, instead opting to bury herself into his chest. “You should tell him to let you have a break, the way he’s working you isn’t right.”

It wasn’t that simple. If it had just been about grades he might’ve gotten away with it, but as it stood that wouldn’t be the case. “I’ll talk to him next time he visits. Or maybe just refuse to see him.” And then he would send Dooku or some other Sith at the academy to get Anakin to do his dirty work.

Still, Padmé wouldn’t know that, and it seemed to alleviate her worries about his sanity for the time being. “You should. It’s our final year at the academy, you don’t need to have more on your plate than you already do.”

Anakin laughed, letting her go. “You’re right. We have all those missions and exams, and we’re figuring out how we’ll keep seeing each other while we’re off ruling opposite ends of the galaxy.”

Padmé placed a gentle kiss to his lips. “We’ll figure it out. Perhaps you can convince the emperor a marriage between the Alliance and the Empire will be beneficial.”

If he thought Padmé would abandon her morals and join him with the Sith he would suggest it without question, but he knew she would never. “Palpatine would never approve. But so long as we can stay together, that’s all that matters to me.”

She was all that mattered to him, but he hesitated, sensing an almost disappointment from Padmé. “What is it? I know a life of romance in the shadows wasn’t what we’d hoped for when our relationship began, but it’s all we’ve ever had.”

“What if I wanted something more from our relationship?” Padmé asked. There was a nervous edge to her voice as she started tracing various patterns in his hand, refusing to look up. “What would you do then?”

“I would do everything in my power to make sure that one day, you could have it.” He smiled. “Your happiness, above all else, is what matters to me.”

“Then…” She took a deep breath, stabilizing her nerves. “Then we may need to start figuring that out.”

Anakin stared at her, confused. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?”

“I’m late. I was worried, so I stopped by the healer’s wing, just to check.” Padmé gave a nervous smile, tentative, but full of hope. “Something wonderful has happened. Ani, I’m pregnant.”

He froze, trying to comprehend what she had said. Padmé was...but...was that possible? They’d taken their relationship farther since the new year had begun, Anakin had wanted to spend as much time with her as he could before he was forced to do something he would forever regret, but she...pregnant?

“Ani? Are you alright? Please, say something.” With his lack of response, Padmé’s nervousness had increased and it snapped Anakin into responding. He couldn’t stop the smile from forming on his face as he gave her a kiss,  slow and full of all the love he could possibly send towards her and the baby.

“You’re...that’s...that’s wonderful.” He sent as much joy as possible her way. “I...I know it’s my fault we have to hide our relationship, but I’ll figure this out, I promise. By the time our baby is born, we won’t be hiding in the shadows anymore. We’ll be married. They’ll spend time with both of their parents. They’ll be happy.”

Padmé held his hand, wrapping her fingers in his. “You promise?”

Anakin nodded. “Of course. I want this more than anything. No matter what happens, I’ll keep you safe. You and the baby.”

He knew he could figure this out, and as he and Padmé left the small classroom, he thought over everything. His duties to the Sith, his part to play as the leader of the Black Convors, and his love for Padmé.

The baby on the way just hastened the time limit, but he could figure this out.

He had to.

[xnchxntmxnt]

𝐼 𝑊𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑊𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑁𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒

𝐵𝑜𝑘𝑢𝑡𝑜 𝐾𝑜𝑢𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑜 𝑋 𝐺𝑁!𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟

So we spin the wheel of HQ misfortune (yes, I actually have an app with all the characters I feel comfortable writing rn and spin it when I’m out of ideas) (yes it works this is how you guys get your content) and I decided Y’know what. I’m gonna make my friend happy so I made @sugasfanfics a wheel and bam it landed on Bokuto so here you go bro love u hope you like this

This is half self-indulgent half for u Em lol sorry

Remember not only are your problems valid but the way you deal with them is, too (as long as it’s not hurting yourself or anyone else, please don’t do that—). Even if it’s a fictional boy you love, remember that someone always cares about you. I promise.

Kinda half edited lol bad grammar & spelling mistakes.

CW//light swearing

Word Count: 876

Reader Info: GN!Reader, fukurodani third year student

Ao3 link

Masterlist

You’d been on edge the entire day. Who knew how it started, you just felt like hell the whole day and everything got on your nerves. Whether it was kids in class or the volleyball that collided with your shoulder while you were trying to do homework, everything seemed to want to set you off today. 

“Dammit,” you curse under your breath, rubbing your shoulder. You hit the ball back to one of the boys, who gladly picked it up with a quick “sorry!” and ran back on the court. 

You were at Bokuto’s practice—the two of you were supposed to hang out afterward, but really, you were ready to go home and sleep for several hours. You felt bad canceling, though, so just tried to keep your cool long enough to get through the rest of your evening. 

Soon enough, they broke for water and Bokuto came running over to you with a smile on his face. “(Y/N), baby, did you see that AWESOME spike? Didn't I look cool? Akaashi said I look cool!”

“I just said it was good, Bokuto.” Akaashi walked past, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Eh, same difference.” He shrugged. “Did ya see it, (Y/N)?”

 “Yeah, it was great, Bokuto.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw his proud drop to a pout. You could have sworn his hair started drooping too. Rarely did you ever call him by his full name—when you did, it usually meant you were mad at him for something. 

He sat down next to you, his lower lip sticking out like a child’s. “Baby, did I...do something?” he asked, running his hand through his hair. 

“You’re fine,” you sigh. “It’s just...been a long day, alright? Not your fault.”

He nodded solemnly, offering his hand for yours. When you gave it to him, he kissed each of your knuckles, “let me make it up to you when we get to my place, okay? Parents aren’t home tonight, we can cuddle and watch a movie, yeah?”

“Alright,” you reply as he kissed your hand again. “Quit worrying about me and go be my big, strong Ace of Fukurodani, hm?”

Bokuto grinned and nodded. He took a sip of water before running back onto the court, leaving you alone with your thoughts again. 

The walk home was less enthusiastic than usual, almost like Bokuto didn’t know what to say. You let him talk as much as he wanted, but he stayed quiet for the most part, watching you intently as you walked. 

The two of you walked into his house and took off your shoes. Bokuto offered some food, but you declined, your irritation from earlier sinking into melancholia. 

“Alright, what’s wrong?” he asked, setting his school bag down. You opened your mouth to protest—he had homework to do—but he interrupted. “Homework can wait. I’m worried about you, sweetheart. Wanna talk?”

He held your shoulders, checking your face for any sign of what was wrong. He was still more droopy than normal—not his usual excited, eccentric self—and you could tell by his worried expression. 

“There isn’t much to say,” you sigh, putting your hand over one of his. “Just...long day, I guess. Burnt out.”

“Do you want a hug?”

“I wouldn’t complain about one.”

He pulled you in close, dropping his arms to wrap around your waist. You laid your forehead on his shoulder, content to stay like that for a long time. 

Just as you’d gotten comfy, he started moving, inching you backward until your legs hit the edge of his mattress. He pulled away long enough to crawl in and drag you with him. You laid your head on his chest, feeling his thumb draw shapes into your side. 

“What’s really on your mind, love?” he asked, kissing the top of your head. “I get worried when you don’t talk to me. So please do.”

“There’s not even anything specifically right now, I just...I feel like hell. For no reason. I didn’t wanna tell you because I didn’t want you worrying—“

You stopped as he tilted his head up towards you. The look he gave you made you freeze, unsure what else to say. He traced your features, smiling in encouragement. “I am always going to worry about you. That’s my job. I’m your forever-caring, amazing, loving boyfriend and I’m always going to care for you. I want you to talk to me when you feel like hell, even if it’s because you want to scream into oblivion for a while. If that’s the case, I’ll scream with you. Alright?”

“Alright,” you mumble, burying your face in his chest again. “I’ll keep it in mind. Do you want to just...I dunno, lay here? Just for now?”

“I would want nothing more.”

He kissed your head again, the small circles he drew on your arm soothing your cluttered mind. You knew you needed to talk one day—even if it was just the recent stuff without getting into in-depth character analysis of yourself—but for the time being, you knew you had someone there to help you face whatever demons you needed to. Because he always would be. 

Your precious, forever-caring, amazing, loving boyfriend, Bokuto Kotaro.

Alright you guys are welcome to scroll through this part just a little rant/apology from me

My brain has not been doing so hot lately so I can’t guarantee a constant posting schedule. I tried posting like 1-2 times a week but this is the first full thing I’ve written in several weeks and I’m sorry about that. It’s like 1:30 am when I’m writing this so this is probably gonna be jumbled up a lot but just. 

Brain hates me and I hate brain rn and it says I have No Motivation to do Anything. Only reason I got this out was bc of @sugasfanfics which she doesn’t even know I wrote this till I post it lol

Also this was supposed to be for her but like I said it kinda turned into I’m depressed and need comfort so. Yeah. Bokuto. 

I hope you guys enjoyed & I’m sorry about not writing as much as I should be. Thank you for bearing with me and for all the reblogs I can’t tell you how happy they make me. 

Sending love to you all <3

~𝑆𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑟

[twisted-tales-of-all]

Stuck in the Game

Mafia!Dad!Yunhyeong x Mom!Reader ft. Mafia!ATEEZ, Mafia!iKON, Mafia!BTS

Summary: When your daughter, Soojin, finally finds someone she likes, her father freaks out because, despite his best efforts to keep her out of that life, the boy in question is also a mafia member. A rival group finds the couple and uses the relationship as blackmail.

Anon Request: a long and specific request that started with dad!Wonwoo but was changed to Yunhyeong and we edited the specifics together so idk what to put here anymore lol 

Word Count: 3.3-3.4K

Contains: mafia!AU, violence, guns, kidnapping, blackmail, reunion of old friends-turned-rivals, forced cooperation, fluff, angst

A/N: This took forever for me to get the energy to type out and format, I’m sorry, but I’m proud that I implemented all the aspects I wanted to in this.

If 17-year-old you could see yourself now, you don't know whether the reaction would be amazement or fear. At age 23, you were a performer and bartender for a high-end bar famous for its mafia visitors. You'd often listen to their meetings whenever they requested "beautiful company," and that made you a very valuable person in the business, even without you trying to be.

When the day you feared finally came, your kidnappers wanted all the information you had from other mafia groups. They were very kind to you, treating you like a valuable treasure. They called themselves iKON, and the moniker was written in numerous places in the house. Their leader, B.I., insisted you be treated like royalty, but one of the boys enjoyed the chaos of going against the leader's requests. He was a charmer, and you fell for him quickly. Gradually, the romantic encounters turned into sexual encounters, and you found out that you were pregnant with his child shortly after.

Until the day you told him of the pregnancy, you only knew him by his mafia name, Song. When you revealed your secret, however, he happily disclosed that "Yunhyeong will be a good father. Don't worry." It was his way of disconnecting his mafia status from his child. You figured this out as he moved you out of the mafia base with B.I.'s approval and bought a good home for you both to stay.

You remember the day you gave birth as if it was yesterday. You remember the joy that swept away all the pain as you held your newborn daughter. You remember all the boys visiting you at different times, and you'll never forget how proud Yunhyeong looked as he introduced his squad to his daughter.

Soojin. You remember her baby face without issue, even though it was 17 years ago. Your daughter grew up so fast - as you're told they all do.

Soojin and her father get along so well. Both of them are trouble makers, so you always see them planning chaos or laughing about something together. You and your daughter talk about deeper subjects more often than not, so seeing her being carefree and enjoying life with Yunhyeong brings so much joy to your heart.

Today, however, you catch them fighting. You don't hear the topic, only Soojin storming out after her final jab at her father, "You don't understand me at all!"

Seeing the pain on Yunhyeong's face hurts, but you decide to check in with your daughter instead, knowing that Yunhyeong can handle himself. Following Soojin, you find her on the front porch, sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head buried in her knees. You sit down next to her, the wooden patio revealing your presence with a creak. You don't say anything before she immediately begins ranting about her father.

"Why doesn't he understand? Why can't he just be happy that I found someone that makes me happy?"

This is the first time your daughter has ever mentioned anything along the lines of having a crush, so you know it must be important to her, "Soojin, you've found someone?" You try approaching the situation softly, opting to learn about her partner before thinking about why her father would be upset.

"Mom, he's amazing. He's really sweet and caring. He takes me to nice parks, and we message every single day. He's pretty tall and really cute, too."

"So, what's this boy's name?"

"Hyunwoo. Jeong Hyunwoo. He's a year older than I am, and he's technically in the mafia - he was born into it just like me - but he treats me so well."

Suddenly, you understand why Yunhyeong freaked out over Soojin's boyfriend, but you don't bring it up just yet, "Jeong Hyunwoo. He sounds nice. Have you met his family?"

"Yup! We hang out with his dad a lot. He's super cool. Makes lots of jokes. His mom died when he was younger, and he's an only child, so it's just the two of them. For some reason, though, dad freaked out on me when I told him. Something about dangerous relationships and hoping I'd never have to deal with this stuff. I have no idea what he's talking about. Ugh, it's not fair. Why can't he be cool about it like Hyunwoo's dad?"

"Honey, your father just wants to protect you. He'll come around. He just knows someone he has bad blood with that has the same last name. They used to be friends but the friend was recruited into a mafia group, which meant he never even said his goodbyes to your father."

"But dad's in the mafia, so what's the big deal?"

With a sigh, you reveal some of your husband's past, "Your dad didn't choose to join. He had to join or they would've killed him for the damages he caused as a teenager. He despises the lifestyle, but there's no way to leave once you become part of it. Your father accepted the life he was forced into and did his best with what was given to him. His friend, Yunho, on the other hand, was invited and willingly chose to join. He does want you to be happy, but he's worried about your life if you date a mafia member."

"Well, what about you? Why'd he date you if that was the case? He was okay involving you?"

You laugh and shake your head. You think back on the unconventional relationship you and your now-husband had before the marriage, but decide not to explain that quite yet, "That's a very long and complicated story for another day. Just know that your situation is extremely different from mine. If you truly love Hyunwoo, don't let your father's attitude affect the relationship. When he sees you truly happy, he'll support you. Believe me."

You could tell that Soojin wasn't quite convinced, but she was always head-strong, so you also know that she will continue her relationship. So, you weren't surprised when she came to you a few days after and announced that she had a date with Hyunwoo. Watching her walk out in her cute date outfit, you can't help but feel proud of her for following her heart.

During the date, you finally confront Yunhyeong, "She'll be okay, y'know? She's the daughter of two very strong people, and we've raised her well."

"I tried so hard to keep her out of the mafia life. And a Jeong of all people could ruin all of that."

You place a hand on his back, "Yunhyeong, you can't use your past against her future. Aren't you happy Soojin finally found her first love?"

"Well, yeah, but..." He sighs, deciding not to finish his complaint.

"She'll be fine."

---

Soojin meets with Hyunwoo at the coffee shop down the street. When he sees her, the smile shows on his whole face.

"You look so beautiful." He places a kiss on her head and takes the seat across from her.

"Thanks, Hyunwoo. My mom helped choose my outfit and styled my hair for me."

Unknown to the couple basking in their puppy love, a low-ranking member of another mafia group sits at the next table and recognizes Hyunwoo's name. To confirm that he's the right person, the member listens in on their conversation.

"How's training? Is your dad being hard on you?"

"Naw, it's pretty smooth. What about you, though? How'd your parents react when you told them?"

"My mom is understanding. She fell for a member, too, after all, so she can relate. My dad, on the other hand... Ugh, he's so difficult!"

At this point, the stranger decides to alert his higher-ups of this potential Achilles' heel for the ATEEZ mafia team.

"He doesn't approve?"

"He hates that I'm becoming part of a lifestyle he tried so hard to keep me out of. My mom said it has to do with your name, too. Apparently, my dad's childhood friend ended up willingly joining the mafia without saying goodbye, and his last name was Jeong."

No longer paying attention, the stranger has been communicating with other members about following the couple around for a kidnapping so they can blackmail their rival mafia group. When the couple leaves the cafe, he follows them to a nearby park, his last-second assignment to find her house underway.

At the end of the date, Hyunwoo walks Soojin back home, finding you sitting out on the porch, reading under the warm light.

"Hey. mom! I'm back!"

As you look up from the book, you find your daughter waving at you with one hand as her other arm links with a nervous-looking boy. You stand up to greet them, and you notice Hyunwoo relax a bit when he realizes how nice you are. You have a short chat before Hyunwoo claims he should get home before his father worries.

"Thank you for walking Soojin home. Get home safely."

You and your daughter watch as he leaves, then she enthusiastically recounts the events of the date. Seeing her this happy makes you smile, as she hasn't smiled this brightly since she was a young child. When the two of you head inside, she falls asleep the moment she lays down. You meet with your husband in your shared bedroom.

"How is he?"

"He seems sweet. He was clearly nervous when he saw me, and he genuinely seems to love her and wants to keep her safe."

"That's good." His robotic response ends the conversation, so you both get into bed.

A few weeks pass before Soojin and Hyunwoo have time for another date. You offer to drive her to the arcade, but she insists on walking to enjoy the nice weather. You kiss her forehead as you tell her to be safe, then watch her until she leaves your view.

Maybe an hour later, an exhausted Hyunwoo comes banging on your front door.

Between moments to catch his breath, he pleads, "Please... tell me Soojin is here... She never came..."

Even though you answered the door, Yunhyeong hears and freaks out. "I told you, Y/N! It's too dangerous for her! She might've been kidnapped!"

You quickly bring Hyunwoo inside, looking up and down the street before closing and locking the door. Once both boys have calmed down a bit, you try calling your daughter, but you're immediately sent to the voicemail. Moments later, Hyunwoo gets a call from his father, who sounds very confused but speaks urgently without revealing details. When Hyunwoo tells him where he is, his father hangs up. Ten minutes later, Yunho pulls up with his leader in the passenger seat. You let them in quickly, only for chaos to ensue the moment Yunhyeong sees Yunho.

He abruptly stands, the chair falling behind him, "Get out of my house."

"Babe, we both want the same things right now. Put the rivalry aside." You try.

"It's him, Y/N. This is the bastard who left without so much as a goodbye."

Time feels frozen as everyone's eyes go wide. Yunho sighs, breaking the silence.

"Hello, Song. It's been a while. You may hate me for the past, but your daughter has been kidnapped. She's being held as blackmail against my group. So, unless you want her to die there, I suggest you put that hatred aside so we can save her."

"Dad?"

"I don't know what you've learned, Hyunwoo, but Song and I were best friends until I chose to join the group, which forced us to cut ties. Their group is a rival; there wasn't much choice in the matter." Yunho says it as if it was rehearsed for years, his eyes still transfixed on Yunhyeong's.

The ATEEZ leader clears his throat before moving forward with the information he has, "I'm HJ, and I received a link to this video earlier." He hits play on his tablet and talks over the soundless visual of your daughter tied down to a chair, "This was accompanied by a message demanding that we give up some of our fronts to them or she dies. I don't think they realize she's your daughter, or else they'd be blackmailing your group as well."

The four boys discuss further action while you listen, quietly analyzing the options. Hours pass without much progress being made. When you finally try to chime in about going to get her yourself, using the same tactics you used as a dancer, there's another knock on the door. The room instantly falls silent as Yunhyeong slinks toward the door, a hand on his gun. As he looks through the peephole, his body relaxes. Keeping his hand on the gun in case of ambush, he opens the door for B.I., who gives him a pitiful look before stepping inside.

"This doesn't look good, Song." The leader states as he pulls out an envelope addressed to iKON.

Opening it, Yunhyeong finds a lock of hair and a handwritten note:

iKON, we have one of your members. This member is a daughter of one of your high ranks. We suggest you follow the instructions on the back of this message if you want to see her ever again.

On the back, the instructions simply list a date, time, and place to meet, followed by their demands of a certain area under iKON's control. From the handwritten element, Yunhyeong quickly narrows down the suspects to two cocky newer groups: Bangtan or The Strays.

"Why is ATEEZ here?" B.I. asks when he reaches the others.

"Soojin is my girlfriend."

"And Hyunwoo is my son. It was easy blackmail for them."

HJ stands and holds out a hand to B.I., "Looks like we have to work together this time."

He reluctantly shakes his hand, gripping tightly, "Only this once. I don't want to lose that zone, but I can't risk Song going insane over his daughter's death either."

The debating and planning continue with more force, as the deadline doesn't give much time. Now that they can narrow down the subjects, they can plan in more depth. The two groups in question are much cockier, so they'll expect the ultimatum to be enough for cooperation. However, they're both smart enough to plan defenses in case of an ambush, and they have the numbers on their side. You're quick to point out that Bangtan's numbers don't show for power, as the top seven do everything themselves rather than relying on others, protective of everything they started together. Hyunwoo adds that The Strays don't have the same numbers as Bangtan, but that power is much more balanced, with each of the top members taking assistants by their side.

"We have to assume this is Bangtan. I don't think The Strays would be this aggressive. They'd take their sweet time with their attack. They'd probably kidnap Soojin and Hyunwoo together so that they have a larger upperhand." B.I. declares, repeating for clarity, "Bangtan do things on impulse like this. The Strays think too much."

Agreeing, you all begin fully planning the attack. Ultimately, Hyunwoo and Yunhyeong will attend the meeting, since they're the clear emotional targets in this scheme. You will infiltrate enemy lines if at all possible, with the support of the ATEEZ elite hacker, Yeosang. B.I. and HJ will join each group's top sniper, aiming at whoever joins the meeting on the opposite side, as well as keeping eye on anyone who comes into contact with you. Everyone wants this done as quickly and quietly as possible.

After two agonizingly-long days, the plans are put into action. Yeosang finds you an entrance around the side of the building, disabling its alarm long enough for you to get inside. You quickly find yourself in a group of other girls who are being given simple equipment. As you approach, the person hanging out guns asks for your member number. Without fail, iKON's intel expert spits out a number that you repeat with confidence.

"Name?"

"Kim Eunsoo." You relay the information you're given and receive a small handgun.

You follow the others, blindly acting like the rest of the pack. You don't have sight on the meeting, but you find yourself face-to-face with one of Bangtan's top members. He gives you a once-over before giving you the 'follow me' gesture with his fingers. Although you're scared, remembering rumors of him being the harshest of the members despite his sweet-sounding name.

When Suga finally leads you far enough from the others, he throws a hand around your throat and leans in close, "Do you think we're that dumb?"

He pulls your earpiece from your ear and breaks it under his foot before moving his hand to your hair, dragging you to the meeting. He cuffs your wrists behind your back before pushing you to the floor next to your daughter.

"Well, well, well. You actually did try some tricks. Good for you. Now, we have both of your girls, Song. You better give us what we want." RM, Bangtan's leader claims, a smirk plastered on his face the whole time.

He clearly sounds victorious, so you refuse to look up, hiding your proud smile since they're falling so easily into the trap everyone set. There were no disguises; you meant to get caught. As he continues his victory monologue, you fidget with the handcuffs, slipping out easily without letting them see. You press a button planted in the fake wedding ring you're wearing, alerting everyone that you've freed yourself and can continue the plan.

See, they neglected to take the loaded gun back, believing you wouldn't be able to use it anyway due to the constraints.

"RM, tell me. You think we're idiots for trying to beat you this time, right?" Hyunwoo mocks, cutting off the mafia boss mid-sentence, "You think we'd send Y/N in without a disguise and expect to get a win like that. Isn't that right, buddy?"

Right on queue, you point your gun at RM, and the snipers turn the scope lights on, revealing that the other members have targets on their chests. The leader chuckles and raises his hands.

"Oh no! They have us surrounded! Can you believe this, Jin?" Sarcasm flowing from every word, you realize he's planned for far more than you expected.

Understanding RM's plans at the same time, Hyunwoo lunges toward his girlfriend, shielding her body with his. Shots sound. Groans echo through the building as bullets pierce skin, followed quickly by shuffling feet to get the wounded out of harm's way.

When the dust settles, Yunho and B.I. quickly work to treat the wounded. As B.I. removes a bullet from your right shoulder, you tell him that you hit RM clean in the leg.

"It seemed like slow motion. I watched the bullet break his skin right before the pain hit my back."

"If you're such a good shot, we should train you properly. Dunno if your husband would approve, though."

Everyone made it back safely, so you're all exceptionally happy about how smooth it went. Only you and Hyunwoo actually got hit, and, luckily, neither shot hit anything vital. You also know Bangtan didn't suffer many injuries either, which gives you peace of mind.

Once B.I. finishes dressing the wound, you meet with Yunhyeong, who won't stop thanking Hyunwoo for jumping on top of Soojin and taking the bullet. You drag him away and have him meet with Yunho, who sits on the roof with a celebratory bottle of beer.

"Hey... Thanks for helping save our daughter." Yunhyeong nervously starts, sitting in between the two of you.

"Now, Yunho, so you want to tell Yunhyeong what you told me?"

Silence falls over the group momentarily.

"Nah, I think this speaks enough." Stubbornly, he takes another swig of his drink before laying back, "I'll help my friends, even if the companies we work for are rivals."

As silence creeps in again, you decide not to push for it anymore tonight. You already have a nice victory to sit on, so you feel no need to try for another. You lay down and let your mind drift as you stare up at the stars, knowing full well that Yunhyeong will accept Hyunwoo as family, meaning Yunho will slowly become part of the family as well.

[yichens]

2020 – a (content creator) year in review

I decided to make this into a mix of these two games I was (kinda?) tagged into so thank you for @leonzhng and @tiesanjiao ♥ I hope you don’t mind me doing it like this ^^ all the questions were just so interesting that I wanted to try!

(bc of the amount of questions, I’m placing them under a cut so that I don’t flood anyone’s dash) 

Me

(this is the 2020 year in review that hanyi tagged me to ♥ sorry am so late!)

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

wow tbh I didn’t watch many movies this year as I realized yesterday when I was thinking about this for certain reasons. Or at least I feel like I didn’t watch that many? Nothing really stuck with me it seems.

Because of this, I will only mention two: Parasite and The Old Guard. Those were both wonderful in their own ways and I’m very happy I got to watch them both ^^

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

this one is difficult bc I watched so many (and forgot even more?) but:

The Lost Tomb Reboot (my introduction to DMBJ. this drama stole my heart and helped me through the tough autumn semester!) 

Joy of Life (it’s nuts that this happened during 2020? it feels like it was ages ago)

Kingdom (such a positive surprise and I really hope we get more of this :o I really recommend!)

Detective L (easy, nice aesthetics, amazing costumes. Bai Yu was a delight as Luo Fei)

Sand Sea (I am still baffled by how much I loved this bc I had so many doubts? am happy I did tho)

Bonus: Guardian (bc it has come to stay and the rewatch has been so emotional but so rewarding)

Top 5 songs of 2020

this is a tough one too bc I’ve heard so much new music during 2020 but I will try to put it simply:

Black Swan by BTS (I absolutely adore this song. I listened to it on repeat when it came out at the beginning of the year, I have cried for it a ton, I enjoy every stage I see for it and it’s just a masterpiece. it has also helped a bit with my writing struggles that I’ve felt creeping up on me lately)

Always by By The Coast (an amazing song that always leaves me in my feels. inspires me a lot all the time)

Love me or Leave me by DAY6 (this whole album was a masterpiece and I listened to it on loop for like. two weeks? this was my favorite song on it even if I adored the rest too, especially Zombie)

all of my life by Park Won (listened to this a lot in relation to my xicheng and the wedding I finally got to write for them ;; that’s one good thing that came out of this year tbh)

雨人 by 刘畅 (Liu Chang) (with the Reboot’s ending song, this one is my favorite on that ost. I love Liu Chang’s voice, I loved Liu Sang as a character and as I said, I loved Reboot as a drama. I get super emotional about this ost so I think it defined this year a lot for me)

Top 5 books you read in 2020  

All For The Game -trilogy (listened to these as audiobooks but that counts right?)

The Song of Achilles (as an audiobook too and really adored the reader’s voice)

The Smoke Thieves -series (I really just binge read the two first books in this series and am so excited for the next one!)

Call Down The Hawk (love love love)

Guardian novel (am not very into these novels usually but I was positively surprised this time? it was so cool to finally get the original story and compare it with the drama version)

5 positive things that happened in 2020

joined mdzsnet and met all the amazing ppl there and got to become part of this loving community and :’) I’m so thankful, it’s been a joy

learned more about editing? or started doing it regularly. I still can’t do shit but am having fun learning more all the time and I really hope that maybe the upcoming year I can switch to PS and try out giffing?

went to Halsey’s concert! it was in february so a bit before all the hassle with covid happened over here ;; it was super cool and so nice and I just. I love Halsey

fell into the DMBJ hellhole which am very much enjoying. it’s a great universe and the story is so good and the dramas have been so fun to watch and. it feels like a good continuation to The Untamed somehow haha (also brought me a new friend! you’re amazing ashen!! ♥)

started therapy and it’s been... a journey. but towards something better I think? it’s something I would’ve needed ages ago but it’s better late than never I suppose

My Creations

(this is the other part where ali was being super sweet and mentioned me ♥ thank you for being so awesome!)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020: wow it’s been a while since I’ve looked at this horrible creation but here ya go jkdhgk [x]. I’ve come a long way from this (and my xicheng has come a long way from this too). most recent one is this xiaoge edit that I absolutely adore [x]. 

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020: this wwx edit that was part of my agust d2 edit series [x]. I loved to give him blue instead of his typical red. 

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it: this [x] wwx edit which I don’t know if I like or not but I was playing around with the font and all the effects instead of just normal screenshots + coloring. also I just adore the quote. 

4. a creation to be proud of: I could mention that xiaoge here but in addition, I will also say this wu xie edit for reboot [x]. I managed to capture my vision so well, I was surprised. for cql, this songxiao edit [x]. I loved how it turned out in the end. 

5. a creation that took forever: this wangxian edit [x]. like I’ve said several times, I lost sleep bc of it. I just kept struggling with the third pic and how to place the text there D: 

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this lwj/wangxian edit [x]. I had many ideas for this edit when I first started making it and I never managed to capture my vision in the way I first intended... the pictures I was supposed to use just never fit quite right sigh. I dunno why it was this one that gained all the notes in the end bc I personally think I have better ones too but am still thankful :’D 

7. a creation you think deserved more notes: as said, dmbj fandom on tumblr is very small so I really want to say the two already mentioned ones (wu xie and xiaoge) and then my pingxie edits [x] [x]. also these wwx edits which I personally am very happy about [x] [x]. and from my agust d2 series, this yun bros one [x].

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: really just dmbj this year and I’ve already linked all of my creations for that :’D tho I have plans for another pingxie edit and a liu sang edit! oh and maybe I could mention guardian here with this shen wei [x]. I had so much fun while making it (also the quote just haunted me relentlessly until I gave it a moment). 

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart: this must be my easter islanders (lwj and jc) edit [x] that just. awoke many thoughts in me? I’m going to put a link to the version where you can read my ramblings underneath :’D 

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: my creation for the creator (gif?) challenge that was going around! [x] it was simple and nice to do and I loved the result. also, it was nice to work with jl for a change :’) 

11. a favorite creation created by someone else: oh wow ok so this is going to be rough bc I have so many favorites ;; you can look at this post here [x] to see more! 

but to love my two taggers am going to say these [x / x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by hanyi (I always love your edits, the colors you choose, the thoughts you put into them (and your humor too!). there are so many cool things you’ve done that I just stay in awe of! I adore all of it ;; ♥) and these [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by ali (I love all of your gifsets so much, they have such pretty colors and such good scenes, and I am thankful every day that you make all the amazing dmbj content, pls never stop ;; I should go through all of your creations properly one day! I noticed you have sand sea stuff too and let me scream?) ^^ ♥

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate: this is going to be a huge list and I’ve already made my love heard for some but no hurt in doing it again so @i-am-just-a-kiddo @ashenwren @tiesanjiao @kholran @lzswy @englishbunnyrocks @leonzhng @aheartfullofjolllly @yibobibo @inkblue-black @cross-d-a @bloody-bee-tea @fytheuntamed @mdzsnet @lifegoesmon @creeds-eagle @underaswift-sunrise @sarawatsaraleo @lan-xichens @mylastbraincql @wangxianbunnydoodles @manhasetardis @distantsnows @ohsehuns @minmoyu @linglynz @highwarlockkareena @yiqiie @aowyn @alienwlw @wangxiians @kingbadcat @sassyassassy @tytangfei @lanzhannnn @skzmxtp @leoyunxi @yoonqiful @softjeon @rapbabenamjoon @ronan-adam @miyakuli @pavusdorian @arsuf @brolinskeep @gawincaskeyy and so many others! (sorry for all the random ppl on this list that I’ve never even talked to ^^’ just know that you make my dash a wonderful place! ♥) 

I won’t tag anyone separately here but everyone who’s already been tagged or sees this is free to do this (or link me posts if you’ve done these already!) ♥ have a nice day everyone!