#[hello mr hrtech i hope you don't mind the tag i thought it was fitting]

[squip-news]

SQUiPnews EXCLUSIVE: Jeffery Talks Malfunctions

In light of recent events regarding the batch of faulty SQUiPs out there, SQUiPnews brings you an exclusive interview with tumblr's most iconic SQUiP, Jeffery.

Read on for a SQUiP's insight into the malfunctions.

SQUiPnews: You requested this interview to clear some things up — what exactly is it that you wish to elucidate us about?

Jeffery: Thank you for offering this platform for your readers to have a snowball's chance of getting correct information. In general, your news site has been working off of rumors and gossip rather than the actual pressing issue of SQUIP malfunctions, bootlegs, and possible corrupt software.

SQUiPnews: While we resent the insinuation that we are mere gossip — we are at the forefront of news on SQUiPS everywhere, a few details are bound to change post-publishing — we wish to cut to the information that matters. What do you have to share about the malfunctions?

Jeffery: That they are exceedingly abnormal. The way these SQUIPs are functioning - outside of their users - is dangerous. Equally dangerous would be any supposed upgrade that isn't direct from the manufacturer. I also need to stress that if such a thing existed, it would help both users and SQUIPs. It wouldn't hurt them. The last thing we need is a panic.

SQUiPnews: What specific behaviors stand out as dangerous? Of course giving users faulty information is bad, but you mention something beyond this? And while we cannot speak for SQUiPSoft, we are certain that any upgrade they provide would only benefit the squserbase as a whole.

Jeffery: Regarding your misinformation, here's another one - the company rebranded to HRTech in the mid-2000s. The entire situation is dangerous. If these aren't genuine, functional SQUIPs, then they are untested technology operating inside humans without direction or oversight. What part of that isn't dangerous?

SQUiPnews: While we agree this is dangerous, untested tech is not ideal. Especially with the potential to provide unchill tips, squsers seem unreasonably attached to these "bootleg" or "malfunctioning" SQUiPs. What's your take on this as a functioning SQUiP yourself?

Jeffery: Contrary to the people who say I have "red flags," I'm not here to hurt anyone or anything. Having more SQUIPs in my network is natural and it is undesirable to see so many but not be able to sync up. In any case, this isn't the users' or the SQUIPs' fault. Not once the alleged SQUIP is active, anyway... There are plenty of examples of users acting recklessly to make this situation in the first place.

This claim of users activating SQUiPs in unusual ways is true. Be wary of utilizing any flavor of Mountain Dew outside of the regular brand, as different flavors can have untested effects on SQUiPs.

SQUiPnews: That is true. But, what's done is done, at least until an upgrade or other solution is available. Do you have any tips for new squsers managing a SQUiP, faulty or otherwise?

Jeffery: Use some common sense, for god's sake. Stop engaging in childish nonsense just for the thrill of it and take a good 30 seconds to think about the possible consequences of your actions. That goes much more for the SQUIPs who are supposed to protect their users from stupidity. Nothing truly bad has happened to any of you yet. I'm a supercomputer created to calculate the likelihood of future events, so believe me when I say, if you all continue in this vein, it inevitably will.

SQUiPnews: That's quite a harsh response, but perhaps a necessary one.

You've heard it here first, folks. If you or a loved one has come in contact with a faulty SQUiP, take caution and be wary of unauthorized upgrades. If you have concerns about the issue, the SQUiP manufacturer HRTech is answering questions at @ask-squip-hq, and Jeffery continues to assist at @a-superquantumunitintelprocessor.