#[Also dont worry. I am kind of at a healthy weight id say. I mean i struggle with eating sometimes but that's mostly for other reasons haha

[cigarettes-and-black-eyeliner]

This has probably been said so many times but diet culture and fatphobia and this obsession around weight and weight loss will never not horrify me!!!!

I say this as someone who has family members that struggle with disordered eating, where being thin and losing weight was encouraged, and some family members(alright it was my mother) kept making jokes about how I was fat (especially as a kid, especially when I fucking underweight, which I was for most of my childhood, and the jokes didn't stop until recently no matter how many times I told her to stop).

It's just. Fucked. I remember that a few months ago, I lost some weight because I caught a really bad cold or whatever, and I didn't really feel like eating. My mother proceeded to tell EVERYONE about the fact that I lost weight and how I lost weight, until I had made it clear a million times that I didn't want her to do so.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

Songs that made me cry the firs time i heard them as a baby 13 year old.

I remember listening to it, and it used to make me feel powerful. Now, i listen to it, and it feels empty, like lies. I have heard the contrary too many times. Seen the contrary too many times. Seen people over and over again endorse the contrary too many times.

Also i have grown tired of the message, “noone can love you until you love yourself.”

and lately i have been seeing “you canot love yourself, until you have been shown what love is”

and i want to believe the latter is true. i want to believe that this emptiness i feel is not the result of my own failure to appreciate myself. because appreciating myself is possible the hardest thing anyone could ask me to do. not because i dont deserve to be appreciated, tho sometimes i do doubt this, but because it is really hard to love yourself, when those are your imperfections and your insecurities and all those things you have to see everyday and you have to hear the world talk about like you should be ashamed of them. overtime, when you hear the words “fat” or “ugly” or “undesirable” its your reflection that comes to mind, and not some other image like vernon dursley or donald trump or ugly betty. its not a public or fictional image, but it’s you. which is so deeply personal, and you cannot detach yourself from it.

and the media doesnt help. do you know how many fat characters there are? you go to a con, and find all the fat people, and figure out who’ll they’ll be dressed as. personally, on like a universal level i dont particularly care about men, so i dont know what characters there are in that department, but for women. It’s Ursula. Are there are other characters? maybe. i only ever see Ursula. I was watching the show the other day, and there was a character she was fat, and she was a good friend, and kind person, and she was quiet. i saw myself. and then, yknow what? the longer the story progressed it turns out she was one of the bad guys. So hey, maybe we could stop villifying fat people, that would be nice? i looked up ‘fat cosplay’ images, and on the first page, only 4 of them were canonically fat characters, and most the images there were people making fun of fat people. the canon ones: Ursula. Hulk. Garnet (from Steven Universe). Jade? or is it Jane?- i get those 2 mixed up- (from Homstuck, end even then, HS character’s size is largely up to interpretation, which is great, but im not sure it’s canon, because the way the kids and trolls are portrayed is certainly smaller than a lot of the villains such as the black king, certain members of the felt, lord english & more), but there’s a problem there

and you look to advertisements? p much always skinny women

plus size models? maybe an AUsize 14?if you’re lucky.

plus size clothes in stores? hard to find, and inconsistant. do you know how hard it is to buy bras for example? now when i was 12 i was a 16c, now an 18c. but most stores wont carry 18 in their normal range and you have to go to plus size, and what happens when its plus size? well they start at c-cup but they make the cups waay bigger? why? because they have no idea how larger women’s bodies work.

weight loss? ahaha yeah. my depression is laughing at you.

i mean 100% my depression is the reason i am fat. the reason i gained like 20kg in 8th grade. oh also a shitty mother who threatened me into silence instead of taking my feelings about how much i hate everything seriously. thats another rant.

also on weight loss: sure i have lost 10Kg in the space of a couple months before, in fact ive done it multiple times, but then life gets tough and i start stress eating again, and it all comes back, in a similar time frame. how do i lose it? i just stop eating. i replace a meal with an ice tea or soup. something liquidy, that is mostly water. and i distract myself by playing video games. but you know what? dieting takes time and money. eating healthy takes time and money. when i was in highschool, id eat what my mother gave me. when i work over the summer, i eat a lot of bread because its really easy to make a ham and cheese sandwhich, and bread is really filling, because i often work 5 hours shifts, with an 1hr transit either way, and no break.

and you know what? and if you cant afford the time and money to make good food choices, you can do what i did- just cut food. but that requires a lot of time and personal stamina also.

and then other people exercise. (good luck getting exercise clothes if youre size 16+) and honestly, even just getting any shorts that are suitable?

and going to a gym is embarrassing (because gyms are definitely marked at people who are fit and thin / muscular)

and i think people well then say ‘just lose weight’ forget how often mental health ties into it? youre often speaking to people with depression (low motivation, low energy) and people with anxiety (discomfort, insecure, get panic attacks worrying about how people perceive them) which is super ignorant

sorry i have a lot of thoughts and feelings