#[ sonya isn't good at this i apologise ] | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pacifymebby · 3 months ago

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Hello lovely, please never ever ever apologise for leaving such a long comment on my stories I think I've said it a hundred times before but I absolutely LIVE for your comments and thoughts about this story, I'm always so excited to read what you have to say (even if it has taken me a million years to reply this time!) (can you believe it's been so long since I posted this chapter I'm about to go back and remind myself what I wrote haha 😭)

I'm so glad you enjoyed the scene with Polly, I've been really wanting to try and bring some maternal warmth to this series and like the blinders world in general, Polly is one of my favourite characters and I just have to give her more screen time to be that mothering soul you know?

I'll be honest with you, I too don't quite know what Sonya is going to decide and the more I delve into it the harder the decision seems to become for her. But then what would a fanfiction be without some drawn out emotional turmoil haha.

I feel like Sonya needs Bonnie so much more than she realises, she's not exactly living in a world with gentle, reliable men around, and I feel like someone with Bonnie's kindness and emotional intuition could be so good for her... Then again if in the past she's been drawn to the likes of Freddie, maybe Bonnie isn't her type :o :o

I'm so glad you're still enjoying the story even though the updates are painfully slow. I hope I can keep bringing you the odd surprise spark of joy with my writing hehe

Love you lots <3

t r o u b l e / chapter thirty four

"uh..." it had been a long time since I'd stuttered over the sight of a boy, a long time since someone's smirking at me had stolen my tongue. But there I was, trapped between my brother's smirk and Bonnie's. Blushing, shy and struggling to think of something clever to say. So in the end all I did was smile and nod my head, shrug my shoulders as if to say "I suppose so."

I averted my gaze as quickly as I could, tried to hide my eyes from both of them by looking at the floor instead, pretending to focus on the spring in the wood. Pretending to be admiring the gym Tommy had designed for me and Sylvie.

"Did he really build this for us?" I asked looking around once more, turning in a small circle to take it all in.

When I looked at John he had this look about him, something between affection and amusement. Something nostalgic about the glow in his eyes when they rested on me. And yet still when he spoke he was laughing at me.

"Well he didn't build it for our Bonnie boy here did he lass..." He sniggered drawing my attention back to Bonnie who had turned away from us now and was focussed on warming up. He was skipping, his head tilted to the floor watching his feet as he jumped quickly, these short sharp bursts of energy followed by a brief reprise. I had thought John was watching him too but when I turned back to my brother I realised he'd been watching me. Realised he hadn't taken his eyes off me since that sentimental smirk had given him away.

"hope you're prepared..." winked John nodding to Bonnie who was now too focussed on his work to notice us talking about him, "I ain't about to go easy on him just cause you think he's got a pretty face..." he teased catching me speechless.

"John!" I hissed my eyes wide open in horror at his remark. I was only relieved to see that Bonnie hadn't heard my brother. That somehow I was going to get away with the blush that was burning on my cheeks. And as John turned away, pulling his own shirt over his head, tossing Bonnie a pair of gloves which had been strung up on the wall, I felt myself grow a little uneasy. Wondering whether Bonnie really was prize fighter enough to stand up against John. It was true they were both strong, but John looked stronger... He was bigger than Bonnie too and although I had laughed earlier when Bonnie had joked about beating him, now I didn't feel so amused.

I'd watched fights before, I was sure that at least once we'd been allowed to go and watch Arthur in a boxing match which he had won, but I couldn't remember all that much about it. I remember I was too small to see above the shoulders of whoever was in front of me, I remember I only really saw the ring at the end when Arthur was up by the barriers throwing his fists in the air and roaring with pride at his victory.

"Alright kidda let's see what you've got eh, give us your worst..." Grinned John, hitting his gloves together as the two men faced off and I stood on the perimeter watching.

At first I was watching John, his shit stirring grin which grew all the wider when Bonnie cracked a laugh but as the pair circled, fists raised to make their preliminary jabs, my attention was drawn to Bonnie.

The light in his eyes, something a little more dangerous than mischief. Something darker, a glint of trouble all swirled up with sudden focus. A determination unmatched by my brother.

And then when the first punch landed and I heard the crack of impact, saw John's glove sink into Bonnie's shoulder I flinched. A gasp escaping me, hand rushing to cover my mouth. It felt as if they should have stopped, as if Bonnie should have buckled and backed away, as if John should have stood down. But they didn't. Just as soon as the punch had landed had John gone in to throw another and though for a split second I'd feared he would succeed this time Bonnie caught it and pushed back, using the moment to land a few rapid blows of his own. Pushing my brother back across the ring, his teeth gritted, his eyes glinting with determination.

I couldn't take my eyes off them though I desperately wanted to look away. The smack of each blow leaving my nerves on edge, their grunts of exertion and pain sending adrenaline through my veins. Bonnie's muscles rippled as he fought back against John, and when his red glove cracked against John's jaw and I watched my brother spit blood, smearing pink drool across his cheek, well, I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Jesus Christ..." I whispered, eyes wide as I watched them sparring, neither of them seeming to tire despite the damage they were doing. Neither of them seeming ready to accept defeat though I desperately wished one of them would.

And then when Bonnie landed another blow to my brother I surprised myself, a whimper escaping me, my hand shooting down to rest over my womb as I closed my eyes. It was a revealing flinch. One I was glad seemed to go unnoticed by the two men as they fought. Both of them concentrating. One a little more determined than the other.

But as much as it might have escaped their notice it hadn't mine and I couldn't keep my mind from wandering back over her worries. Couldn't ignore how instinctive it had been, that sudden move to protect what I knew must be there, undeniable now. I'd flinched so protectively, felt a fear that fluttered dove-like in my heart but twisted deep in my gut and played on every nurturing instinct I hadn't known I harboured.

I swallowed the sick feeling down, tried to force myself to watch their fight knowing that once it was over I would have to see my aunt Pol, I'd have to admit she was right.

With every punch John threw Bonnie would try to outdo him, and with every successful attack launched by Bonnie, John would deliver yet another blow just as sharp as the last.

And in the end my wishes were answered by John who, rather than admit defeat simply dropped his fighting act, gave bonnie a playful shove and a pat on the back, the two of them dissolving into laughter as they fell away from eachother and dropped their gloves on the floor.

They were covered with sweat, Bonnie's swollen cheek glistening with a pinkish sheen which, from where I was standing, I couldn't tell if it was blood or just the flush of exhaustion.

"Well?" Asked Bonnie turning to me for the first time since putting his gloves on, his eyes no longer dark but instead gleaming with adrenaline, smiling and boyish, the way I recognised him to be. "Aren't you gonna tell us who won?" He asked with a cheeky grin when John cracked a laugh.

"You're havin a laugh the girl wasn't even watchin us!" He said, his teasing turned on me as he wiped his face with a towel and tossed it aside.

"I was too!" I said indignantly, trying to fix him with a glare despite knowing full well that he was right.

"Were you fuck you spent half that hiding with your hands over your eyes!" He cried back, sniggering when he carried on, "you were worse than our Katie watching Lord of the Rings!"

"I was not!" I cried growing exasperated, growing all too aware of the blush flushing my cheeks and the fond smirk on Bonnie's lips as he watched us bickering.

"Don't worry lass," chuckled Bonnie, "it's touching how worried for me you were..." He winked, his cheeky smile, the teasing way he let his eyes linger on me leaving me speechless for a moment as I wrapped my arms around myself and stuttered.

For a second I didn't know what to say, all too aware that my cheeks were bright red, that my brother was chuckling away, revelling in my awkward silence. That Bonnie was waiting for me to laugh.

"Right well," I said quietly, my voice a little higher than it should have been, shaking a little when I tried to spit the rest of my sentence out with my final shred of composure, "just for that I'm declaring John the winner..."

John cried out with a victorious laugh, keeling over with delight as he gloated at Bonnie who just shook his head. Not looking at John, his eyes lingering on me so that I got the impression that when he smiled, that too was only for me.

"Just you wait till you see the real thing..." He said, a playful warning tone as he pointed his index finger between my eyes. "I'll leave you with no doubt Miss Gray..."

"Not sure ringsides the place for our Fen," chuckled John and although I was sure now that he was right, that I couldn't stand to watch Bonnie, or anyone, fighting like that ever again, John's having said so made me cross my arms over my chest and shake my head.

"Is too."

I held his gaze as stubbornly as I could but no sooner did John see my sullen glare did he smirk and then grin and then lean into a knowing laugh. His hand in my hair ruffling my plaits loose. His arm around me pulling me into sweaty side.

"John!" I growled trying my best to push him away, unable to stop myself laughing at him when he tackled me, letting me lose my balance and fall only so that he could catch me. He was enjoying himself far too much, shit eating grin glowing.

"Have you missed me Fen?" He chuckled, only giggling more when I shot him an unforgiving withering look. One which left Bonnie smirking as he watched us from the floor where he was warming down.

"Oh!" I gasped suddenly when I saw John's lip was cut, it wasn't bleeding particularly badly but there was just enough, a trickle of crimson catching the light, darkening as it gathered in the curve of his chin.

When he realised what it was I had seen he chuckled, his smile opening the cut a little more. I tried to reach up and dab the blood with a tissue but he only swatted my hand away. He hadn't seen what I'd seen I suppose, but I was more than aware of the small shadow which had just crossed the threshold and was lingering in the doorway of the gym with a shyness I recognised to be much like my own.

"It's just a bit of blood Fen I'm fine," he smirked, his tone a little patronising but nothing I wasn't used to from my brothers, "see... You'd see much worse at a real fight..."

I rolled my eyes, thumping the tissue packet into his chest.

"I wasn't cleaning you up for my sake dinlow..." I shot back. And when I nodded my head in the direction of the door he realised, rolled his own eyes and closed his hand around the packet of tissues, understanding me then.

"Don't mean you've convinced me little sis, the rings no place for a delicate and sophisticated young lady such as yourself..." He sneered trying to retain the upper hand as he cleaned himself up.

"Nah," said Bonnie who had been watching us bickering like children with a smirk on his lips, "tougher than they look ballerinas, that's what I've heard..." And though he was talking to John he was looking at me and once again I felt myself prickled with a familiar feeling, that really every word was meant just for me. That my brother may as well have been in the other room.

Unfortunately for me that wasn't the case and when he heard Bonnie's remark he only laughed and shook his head.

"Nah, not our Fen, delicate little flower this one, ain't you Fen..."

"Mia's waiting for you dinlow.." I whispered fixing my big brother with a glare, forcing him to turn around and forget about teasing me.

And of course once he turned around he became "daddy" again, not the shit stirring older brother I knew but instead the soft touch father who was ready bundle his little one up and carry her back up the stairs with the gentlest "telling off" for having snuck into the gym. I couldn't help the sorrow I felt tug at my heart when I thought about the father of my child. Whether the baby growing inside me would ever know their dad, whether he would want to know them.

"And where do you think you're sneaking off to miss Mia?" He grinned running up to her and sweeping her of her feet, her shriek not echoing round the room the way I'd have expected it to. The way the sound seemed to be soaked up by the walls leaving me a little uncertain as I stood hesitant, waiting with my arms wrapped around myself for Bonnie to speak and lead us out of the gym.

I turned back to him, my hesitance flickering in my eyes. He offered me a smile, soft as anything, knowing perhaps the new nervousness which had sunken into me in those moments which followed my brother's departure. I wondered if he'd caught the watery look in my eyes, wondered if he could tell the true extent of the trouble I held in my heart.

"You want to visit Pol?" He asked quietly, his voice barely a whisper. Upon opening his mouth he'd reached out to me, something making him decide against taking my hand the moment it had left his side. It meant that his hand lingered in the space between us for a moment and left me shivery as I looked between his fingers and his eyes, unsure what to say or how to reach out and take it.

"Please..." I said, not meaning to whisper as quietly as I did. Feeling a blush creeping up when he smiled. He seemed as though he were being a little more careful. He'd always seemed gentle, more gentle than any blinder I'd known before, and yet somehow his hesitance surprised me. The soft way he looked at me, as though trying to read my mind, leaving a self conscious blush in my cheeks, a new restlessness in my heart.

After a moments hesitance I reached for his fingers, feeling shy the second mine brushed his. Feeling a rush of relief when his closed around mine and he dropped his towel down on the floor behind him as we left together.

"I mean it about your brother an me balls y'know " he whispered with a cheeky smile as he led me up the stairs and then through that damp little cobbled passage which took us out towards the lake.

We moved quickly and my heart beat quickly too, our nimble escape through the passage making me feel like some kind of renegade, or perhaps just a borrower slipping through the dark secret places of a home unseen.

I'd expected Bonnie to let go of my hand somewhere between the door and the lake and yet when we reached the silty shore at the waters edge his fingers remained entwined with mine, and though the lake was still and perfectly peaceful I felt a darkness creep up on me as our shadows wavered on the water.

He didn't say a word to me but every now and then he gave my hand a little squeeze or turned back to catch my gaze. The soft curve of his smirk and the little wink he'd shoot me soothing my nerves though I wasn't exactly sure just what it was I was nervous for.

Getting caught before I could see my aunt or what I thought she might say to me.

I hadn't realised that the forest at the edge of the estate belonged to us too but as Bonnie led me through the ferns and the ground became less hospitable with every step, I noticed dog tracks and realised that it must. That this seemingly lesser trodden path was frequented by someone in the family.

"Is it far?" I asked breaking the quiet. Until now we'd been soft enough that the afternoons birdsong, the breeze through the trees, had been enough to conceal our footsteps over the woodland floor. When I spoke however I felt the sudden tension of being caught.

"What's wrong? Not used to walking more than two minutes to the underground?" He turned over his shoulder with a cheeky grin and though I knew I was being teased I didn't laugh. Let my pout return, my brow furrowing as my voice grew sullen.

"No," I grumbled, "it's not that dinlow... It's just this fuckin mud and I keep catching myself on the bramble and stepping on twigs and they're really fuckin sharp through my shoes!"

"Aye well y'will cut about in ballet slippers.." he chuckled, shrugging my complaints off with another teasing line, "told you princess, we're not in Chelsea now..."

"I didn't even live in Chelsea!" I glowered, my sulky eyes apparently amusing him all the more as he let out a hushed laugh, one he muffled with his sleeve, not realising I'd stopped in my tracks. Arms folded across my chest.

But when he realised I'd dropped his hand he stopped. Turned to look at me over his shoulder, turning around completely when he realised I wasn't smiling or laughing along with him. When he realised that my eyes had filled with tears not even I was entirely sure were warranted.

"What's the matter?" He asked, a nervous smile tugging on his lips as he let his eyes flicker over my fragile stance. He could tell I was on the edge of tears and I could see how he squirmed. But there was nothing I could do to help him out of this one because I wasn't exactly sure what I was about to cry for myself.

"Stop fuckin laughing at me..." I said finally, my voice thick with a sullen emotion which left him struggling to do as I'd said.

"I'm not laughing at you sweetheart I promise," he said holding his hands up as if in surrender, the smirk he couldn't hide saying otherwise.

"Yes you are you're doing it right now!" I scowled, "it's fine I fuckin get it alright let's all laugh at the silly little rich girl isn't she soooo out of her depth, family of fuckin gangsters and she can't even stomach a boxing match, can't even walk through a forest without crying about something... Isn't she fuckin stupid!" I let the words tumble out of me my humiliation rising by the second, with every syllable I sobbed through. And bonnie just stood there watching me, his smirk the nervous kind as he chewed his cheek and waited for me to finish.

"Obviously I'm not like my fuckin siblings alright, I fucking know that! You don't need to keep pointing it out to me... And obviously I'm no fuckin gypsy either, I'm not stupid I know I'm a fuckin cliché posh London bitch, obviously I am..."

But at that he cut me off, his voice raised oh so slightly above mine. His tone enough to silence me in a second.

"Alright Miss Gray that's quite enough of that thank you..." He said curtly, his smirk gone, replaced with a frown of his own as he snatched my hand back. I stood trembling, I'd managed somehow amid my outburst to hold back my tears and they welled up in my eyes making it hard to see as I starred back at him in shock.

I half expected him to tug on my arm, tell me to hurry up, to stop wasting time. But he didn't.

Instead he stepped a little closer to me, closed the space between us and held my hand up between us, his fingers entwining with mine.

"I know you ain't stupid Miss Gray," he said, his voice soft and low, his eyes locked with mine. I felt silly standing there, looking up at him with such a rush of emotion swelled up in my eyes, but he didn't let me feel silly for long. "And I never said you were a bitch..." He said, "you shouldn't say that either..." He said, his frown so serious, more serious than I'd ever seen him before. "I was only teasing," he said it again, making me feel guilty because I'd known that all along. Because I couldn't explain why I'd taken it to heart when I'd known he hadn't meant it.

"I know..." I said chewing my cheek a little awkwardly, "sorry Bonnie," I said not sure whether I should try to make a joke or not, feeling the self deprecating remark slip from my tongue before I'd had a chance to stop it, "guess I can add uptight bitch to the list of descriptors too..." I said with a little smirk, one which Bonnie only mirrored for a moment as he chuckled and shook his head at me.

"Nah," he said shrugging his shoulders, "if I had all that on my mind I doubt Id be laughing either..." He said, the guilty look in his eyes making me wonder how much he knew. His next move making me certain he knew more than he was letting on.

He held his arms out to me then, made a joke I considered brave considering the moment we'd just shared.

"Alright, alright, you're right... Undergrowths hardly the sort of terrain fit for a Belgravian princess, let me carry you, it ain't far..."

"Oh... Bonnie no..." I started to protest, shaking my head as I tried to back away, feeling all kinds of mortified that he didn't think me capable of finishing what was more than likely only a short walk to his father's camp.

"Come on Sonya..." He said with a sigh, "you're right you ain't got the shoes for it and you look tired..."

"I'm not!" I tried to argue, growing more flustered by the second, my heart trembling at the thought he might be about to bundle me up against his chest.

My eyes were wide as I looked back at him, hoping he would back down, already knowing he wouldn't. Already knowing the line which was coming next.

"C'mon lass, cmere... Under strict instructions from your brother's I am, ain't about to fuck this up..." He said with a cheeky smile as he took my hand and tugged me closer to him.

In truth there were three things I feared then.

The first being that by giving in I was admitting I thought myself to good to trapse through the forest with him. That I was admitting to being that stuck bitch from London I was sure he thought of me as despite his protest.

The second was simple. That he would realise I wasn't as light as he thought me. That he would drop me just as Jasper had done at school, that I would reveal my failings to yet another man.

And the third, perhaps the most delicate of all. That if I let him hold me like that, bundled up against his body as he carried me through the forest, I would find myself too comfortable. That my heart would race and my breath would falter and I would be forced to admit my betrayal of Freddie. That I'd be forced to acknowledge the truth, that there was something irresistible about Bonnie. Something I was already struggling to ignore.

"Come here sweetheart," he said again, his tone a little firmer than before, his eyes locking with mine, all but confirming that he knew what Polly knew. "Long walk like this ain't good for you..." He said, waiting for me to share in his understanding. "Wear you out more than you already are..."

I realised then that there was no denying it. That Bonnie was just as canny as Esme, as my Aunt Pol. That there was no point lying to him just like there was no point desperately trying to deny it to myself. So I just nodded my head, let him scoop me up in his arms, my head against his chest.

"Sorry..." I said a little awkwardly as he swept me up off my feet, took a second to recenter himself before he carried on walking.

"Enough Sonya," he said with a smirk, shrugging off my concerns just as easily as he'd scooped me up. Just as easily as he held me close to him as he walked. "Won't be long now eh, relax..."

I closed my eyes, my body tense in his arms as I tried to make myself as small as possible. Tried not to take up too much space, tried not to get in his way. I felt ridiculous, all too self conscious and certainly a little silly for letting him carry me through the woods like some damsel in distress.

But he had insisted and I was there now, all I could do was try to hold myself together until he set me back down on my feet. Try to do as he has said and relax... Ignore the effect he was having on me. Pretend it wasn't really quite so easy to set my heart stuttering and breath catching in my throat.

I tried my best to listen to the sound of the forest, to tune out of Bonnie's breathing, the beating of his heart beneath his chest, and tune into the sounds of twigs snapping, branches straining and shaking as a squirrel threw itself from one to another. Tried to tune into the babble of the river which was still hidden somewhere behind the ferns.

And when I opened my eyes I did my best to tip my head back so that I might concentrate on the sunlight dappled through the canopy. The shadows cast by entangled branches and clusters of seeds which were gathering, waiting to fall.

I tried to concentrate from keeping my fingers from wandering from where they scrunched the scruff of his t-shirt though the brush of his curls often tempted them.

But nothing could keep my mind from returning, nothing could slow my beating heart, steady my shy breaths. I couldn't ignore the burning sensation of his skin so close to mine. Couldn't ignore the hazy way my head spun every time I breathed in and tasted his grassy scent lingering in my lungs.

"Why are they staying so far?" I asked after a little while. The quiet between us had done little to settle my nerves though I felt perfectly safe in his arms. "Wouldn't she do better to stay near the house.. just in case y'know..." I trailed off not wanting to reference her supposed illness. Remembering what Bonnie had told me earlier about his thoughts on that.

"Nah," he said letting out a slow sigh as he spoke, "me da's got her best interests at heart, the woodlands are good for her, peaceful..."

"No Shelby's..." I said wryly, looking up at him in hopes of meeting him with a smile to show him I was only joking. But when he looked down his smile didn't quite meet his eyes.

"I wasn't gonna say that..."

"No Tommy Shelby?" I asked not realising quite how close to home I might have hit until he hesitated. Until he changed the subject.

"She'll be glad to see you."

"That's not what I meant..." I mumbled wondering if it was me letting us trail off into silence again or him.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander back to those scenes that morning over breakfast. How quickly Tommy had snapped, how he'd trapped her against the fireplace as he'd tried and failed to pacify her anguished outburst.

"It's good for her to be around people who understand her..." He said after a moment longer, his brows knitted as he chose each word carefully. He was being careful not to offend but when it came to this he couldn't possibly offend me.

"Don't worry," I said quietly, my fingers straying for a second before I could stop them, twirling one of the curls at the bottom of his neck idly as I spoke, "gypsy shit right? I get it..."

When Bonnie finally set me down it was at the edge of the river we'd been skirting for twenty minutes. I could hear the crackle of a fire before I could see it, could hear Aberama whistling as he worked at skinning a rabbit.

"Ahh, Bonnie my boy finally tired of the high life? Ain't gone soft up there in the big house have you?" He flashed his son a teasing grin, not dissimilar to the one I was growing used to on Bonnie. Bonnie who in that moment had smiled despite the soft blush on his cheeks as he let his hand linger on my lower back.

"Bought company da..." He said as if warning his dad to stop teasing the Shelby name in front of me... As if Bonnie hadn't been doing the very same all afternoon.

"And what lovely company she is," said Aberama, taking his flatcap off and bowing his head to me slightly, his eyes locking with mine as a warmer smile snook onto his face. "Will you be staying for tea Miss Gray?" He asked holding up the half skinned rabbit, chuckling when he caught me trying to hide my grimace, "I'm sure your Aunt would like the company..."

But he didn't need to tell me that and I'd already nodded my head before he'd finished his sentence.

"Thank you Mr Gold," I said quietly, feeling shy under his warm but attentive gaze.

"Thought I told you Sonya, you call me Aberama, or Abe perhaps, if you and my Bonnie are as close as you look from a distance..."

"Da quit teasin her," grinned Bonnie shaking his head, lowering his voice to remind me that I could ignore every word his father said. "She was asking after Pol, been worried about her..."

"Well you ain't got no reason to worry about your Aunt Pol," smiled Aberama gesturing to the fire as he spoke, "come sit, we'll have tea, she won't be long..." He said letting Bonnie shrug his jacket off and set it down over a worn out looking garden chair for me to sit on.

I smiled at him a little shyly, feeling silly he'd felt the need to put his coat down for me on a perfectly reasonable chair. Still I sat down, said thank you and kept my head down, waiting for my aunt as politely as I could. Feeling suddenly like I was intruding on something I shouldn't have been part of. It wasn't exactly a feeling I wasn't used to. Always too rough around the edges for my friends at boarding school, always too primp and proper for my family back in Birmingham. This was no different. Traveller enough to know I wasn't traveller enough to be sitting around that fire with them.

I held my hands in my lap until Aberama presented me with a little china cup to hold instead. I didn't realise that my hands were shaking until he poured my tea but when he did I suffered the indignity of having to watch the hot dark liquid tremble and splash at the sides, worse when he added milk.

Bonnie pulled up a chair beside me and sat down, his elbows resting on his knees as he leant in to talk with his father about news from the families. Families I knew had been sent out in search of my sister, my boyfriend and his family too.

I'd been trying to listen in until Aberama had let his gaze flit quickly to me, until he'd seem me watching him and changed his mind. Started speaking another language I didn't really recognise. Only knew enough of to know it wasn't Romani. So he was being particularly cautious.

I watched the two of them talking until my eyes met Bonnie's, his lit up by the fire and the strange faded afternoon sun which reflected off the muddle brook.

When he looked at me his eyes were furtive, and yet his dark eyes held an intensity which left me struggling to sip my tea. I hid behind the rim of my tea cup, held his gaze from under my eyelashes, but I couldn't read his expression and I couldn't tell if he understood the worry in mine.

And then I heard the snap of a twig underfoot and I forgot about the two men and their secret conversation. Thought only of Polly who was standing just outside the circle of chairs, her closed lip smile warm, eyes bright as she looked upon me.

"Fen."

She greeted me with a radiant affection, her tired eyes lit up despite the shadows beneath them. She looked emotional perhaps, a little tired maybe, but she didn't look ill. Didn't look frail the way my brothers had told me she was these days.

"Been worrying about you Polly," sighed Aberama nodding from me to her with a twinkle in his eyes, something like affection and mischief entwined.

"Bonnie Gold what did I tell you this morning!" She scolded the younger lad, "what did you promise me eh?" She asked shaking her head, one hand on her hip as she placed her basket of apples and other foraged things on the edge of the vardo steps. "Bloody men..." She met me with a conspiring smile, sitting down beside me and clasping my hands in hers. Her touch was cool from the hours spent in the shade of the woods, cool like the water babbling in the stream behind us. But she felt like home when she took my hands and when I met her gaze I felt understood. "Told him not to let you go worrying about me... There's nothing wrong with me love, no matter what your brother's tell you... You've enough sense in you to know that though..." She said quieter as she leant in to ask me how I was.

"Aye I tried my best Pol but if there's one thing your niece is good at..." Started Bonnie with a lingering grin, the kind which remained on his lips when he held my gaze and remained even after I'd torn my eyes away.

"Sounds like our Fen," said Polly softly, love threaded through every word, "always were a sensitive girl weren't you love..." She said before asking me again about myself. I wondered if she'd been worrying for me that way I had her all day, after all I must have seemed a little fragile too and I didn't have the track record Pol when it came to holding oneself together.

"I'm alright Pol, but.. how are you, you were so... Upset this morning... I... What did you mean about Michael?" I asked realising my mistake only after I'd allowed the questions to tumble from my lips without warning.

Her eyes darkened and she let go of my hands, placed them back in my lap and patted them softly. Something in her sad smirk told me I'd let her down.

"Is that why you came?" She asked, her voice low and heavy with trouble, "you believe your brothers?"

"No!" I said it a little too quickly, a little too sharply. Became acutely aware of the ebb in Bonnie and his father's conversation. "No," I lowered my voice, tried to speak as softly as I could, my cheeks burning as I tried to convey all the things I wanted to tell her with just the glow in my eyes. "No, I don't... I... What did you see when you saw him Pol? What did you see when you saw Sylvie?" I asked already knowing the answer I would receive, already understanding she couldn't possibly tell me.

"Will you come inside with me?" She asked looking over her shoulder at the vardo, her fingertips traced over the back of my hand lightly, turned my hand over in my lap and began tracing a long sloping line between my index and my wrist.

I nodded my head and stood. Glanced back at Bonnie and his father only briefly as I let her lead me inside the little vardo.

I recognised it then, the very same place I'd sheltered on that first morning at Arrow House. The way the vardo seemed to hold you as you sat down at the little table. There was a green tablecloth draped over it today, a cup of tea and my aunt's deck of tarot cards beside an unlit candle.

"I cannot tell you what I saw of your sister Fen," she sighed, "your brother has forbade it... Naturally..." She seemed to simmer on her smirk for a moment, I wondered if she was waiting for me to protest, or of she knew better than to expect that of this twin.

"Even if he hadn't..." I said quietly, knowing when she offered me her most sympathetic of smiles and shook her head what she meant.

Not in my state. It would be dangerous to worry me with visions and doomed feelings.

Of course that only left me feeling all the more fated and gloomy.

"Pol..." I started, the urgency in my voice drawing that sympathy from her more.

"Now don't you look at me like that my love," she said, her hands holding mine tightly, her own eyes just as teary as mine, "don't you look at me like that, there's nothing to fear my girl..."

"There is Pol!" I whispered, a fragility gripping me suddenly, a twist in my gut which left me shaking and struggling not to cry. "It's Freddie's..." I said, "if anyone finds out... If the Italians or... Tommy... He'll hate me!" I snatched my hand from Polly's to cover my mouth, clasping both hands over my jaw to muffle my sobbing. The tears flowed freely then, my body trembling with the despair I'd been holding back for days. But Polly didn't try to stop me or shut me up. She didn't try telling me again that there was nothing to fear.

Instead she wrapped her arms around me and cradled my head to her chest, her hands holding my hair as she rocked me gently. She leant back against the cushions, keeping me steady and safe, and waited it out. Waited until I was sniffling rather than sobbing, waited until I'd managed to get a grip on myself once more.

"Your brothers could never hate you Fen," she said firmly as I sat up and pulled away from her. She offered me a tissue to dry my eyes and I took it but used the sleeves of my cardigan instead. "And having a bairn inside you won't make any difference to your place on Zabinis hit list. We're all there side by fuckin side ain't we..."

It shouldn't have been a comfort and yet somehow it was. I dabbed at my eyes trying to catch my stray tears, nodded my head solemnly.

"Please don't tell them..." I said, "oh god Pol..." I whimpered, struggling to draw in a shaking breath as I gathered my thoughts.

"Do you want it?"

Her question hushed the whole room. Everything seemed a little quieter then, as if the soft furnishings, the bowls in the cupboard, the mess of clothes on the end of the bed, were all ruminating my decision. One I hadn't made. One I couldn't stand to consider for too long.

"I... I don't know..."

"Does Freddie know?" She asked her hand resting atop my womb as she rubbed in a slow circle. When I shook my head she raised her brow, "are you sure?"

"How could he? I didn't know until you told me..."

"Good," she said softly, almost as though she were talking to herself, "that's good... Then you've got plenty time to think about it haven't you, no one rushing you to make your mind up...and you don't need to worry about your brother's or anyone else, your family love you Fen, we'll look after you... Whatever you decide you want to do alright?"

I nodded my head again, fearful that if I tried to speak I'd cry. Sniffling as I held my hands over my mouth and shut my eyes. Feeling it all pushing down on me, the panic thudding in my chest, the nausea rising up. Because I'd been trying to ignore something I shouldn't have been ignoring for too long. And really the only person I wanted to talk to about it was so far away, somewhere in a gangsters den in London doing god knows what. Somewhere so very far from me.

"I don't know what to do..." I whispered, my head spinning with every little anxiety. "My fucking career," I sniffled, "and Freddie... Oh god..." I crumbled again, trying to hold myself together, trying my best to get a grip, knowing full well that had it been Ada in my position she wouldn't have been crying like this.

When I looked up at Pol through my tears she was looking at me with that same darkened sympathy, as of she'd been waiting for this day a long time. As of she'd always known the Shelby curse would touch each and every child eventually.

"Don't fret Fen," she said finally, "you might not know now but you will know what to do, you'll feel it here..." She said placing her hand over mine and guiding it to my heart, "and you'll know."

She held my gaze and the warmth in hers, the quiet confidence seemed to seep from her to me. From her heart to mine so that a little of my dread was pushed out. So that there was a little room for warmth, for hope.

A tap on the door had drawn us back outside to join the men by the fire. Bonnie and his dad had moved on from tea to cider and they sat in a content quiet watching the woodlands. Aberamas eyes were half closed, his aging features dappled with the late noon sun through the trees, his white shirt tainted with shades of green. Bonnie however was wide awake, his eyes following two magpies who were flitting from branch to branch within an oak tree above us.

They looked as though they were playing a game, chasing one another higher and higher only to go tumbling back through the branches together, their melodic chatter ricocheting through the trees.

I slipped back into my seat beside Bonnie, following his gaze because I had nothing else to hold onto. Nothing else to occupy myself with beside those two magpies. My conversation with Polly had left me feeling heavy, a little shellshocked, hollow and strange. I didn't much feel like talking, or smiling, or eating but I knew that in a moment I would have to do all three and the thought filled me with a quiet discomfort.

"Ahh ladies."

Polly had stirred Aberama with a kiss to his cheek and as he moved slowly back to life he greeted us both with a smile and open arms.

"There's tea in the pot and soup over the fire..." He said, "if you've time to stay that is Sonya?" He asked, looking first to me and then to Bonnie who simply shrugged his shoulders. He looked up at the trees, squinted into the sunlight and then nodded.

"We've time," he said, turning to me then, his eyes soft and questioning, "if you'd like to of course Miss Gray?"

I heard his father chuckle at that, heard Polly stifle a laugh too and I couldn't help but bite back my own smile and the formality.

"I'd love some thank you." I said quietly, offering aberama a grateful smile before shrinking back into my little garden chair. It was one of those camping chairs and the green fabric was tired and dirty, it smelt damp like summer evenings spent out in the garden too long. The kind of days that make you sleepy just for breathing fresh air.

"I'll get it," said Bonnie, holding his hand out to stop me from standing up.

"These newfound manners of yours eh Bon..." Chuckled his father, "always knew you had em hidden away somewhere."

"Give over," grinned Bonnie, his cheek bones blessed with that soft ruby flush as he concentrated on pouring a mug of soup for me. "It's rabbit..." He said hesitating to hand me the cup as if he thought I'd never eaten game before. I couldn't help but grin then, letting a little laugh escape me when his dad laughed at his shyness.

"Don't worry my boy, I'm sure they serve game in Chelsea," he chuckled, his smile meeting mine, a warm twinkle in his eyes reserved just for me so that I didn't feel it was me he was laughing at then, though it should have been.

"You leave the boy alone." Polly warned, resting her head on Aberamas shoulder as Bonnie handed my cup to me and turned back to the stove.

I watched Polly and Aberama from across the fire, how she settled into his side and lent on him, one hand held by his in his lap. How peaceful she looked.

I couldn't help but question my brothers decision to try and keep her hidden from me. Couldn't help but wonder what it was they were so scared I would see.

But perhaps it was just that, perhaps they hadn't seen her like this, so peaceful, warmhearted and glowing with those first scattered drops of love. Those early days when the affection you feel radiates from you and touches everything you do.

Because she looked so bright, so tranquil then. It was hard to remember the fear in her eyes that morning. Hard to imagine the shrill panicked tone with which she had called after my brothers.

But I didn't want to remember that morning, the fear which had chilled my own heart and bones. So I chose to focus instead on Polly now, in that warm, quiet moment beneath the trees, as the afternoon warmed us all through and the scent of pollen was thick, drowsy on the breeze.

As I raised my mug to my lips with both hands I was reminded of a past which seemed almost out of reach. Those days when me and Sylvie were only little girls, when we'd still lived on the road, before our mother had died, when we'd been allowed to wander the wilds dawn til dusk. Those days we'd run around earning ourselves nicknames like Fen.

The taste of soup infused with the smoke of the fire was nostalgic in a way I hadn't been expecting and I closed my eyes as I swallowed. Let the taste linger on my tongue and didn't worry about what was in it or whether I'd walked enough to warrant a meal.

And by the time it was time to leave their little camp by the river I found that I didn't really want to go. Found that when Bonnie came and joined me sitting in the grass with my feet in the stream, that my heart ached to stay out until long after the sun had gone down.

"Been gone from the house too long..." Said Bonnie softly. I could tell by his small smile he felt guilty for disturbing my peace, "we can come back tomorrow if you'd like but we'd better be off now, the weans won't keep John distracted all night," he added trying to draw a laugh from me, albeit halfhearted at best.

"Alright," I said putting my hand down in the dirt to push myself back up.

But before I could bare the weight myself Bonnie had slipped his arms beneath mine, helping me up and gathering me against him to steady my balance.

"Don't tell me you're gonna walk back now Miss," he said, "you're half asleep as it is..." And because I knew he was right, and because I was feeling that late in a summer day drowsy, I didn't bother trying to argue with him. Just smiled softly and let my shyness slip away as I leant against him, ear pressed to his chest, listening to the beating of his steady heart.

"Only if you don't mind?" I asked smiling when I felt the soft shake of his muted amusement.

"Aye sweetheart, course I don't mind..."

So he waited whilst I thanked his father for tea, and he stood back and watched the trees quietly, pretending not to notice the way I lingered when I said goodnight to Polly. Pretended not to notice how we held onto one another a moment too long, how her hands trailed my arms and then rested flat and gentle over my womb. How she got that misty loving look in her eyes when she held her palm to my cheek and told me to come back soon.

How I turned back to him with that misty look in my own eyes and told him I was ready to go.

And all the way back through the woods, across the manor grounds I wondered what else he was pretending he hadn't noticed. The way my heart raced beneath his touch, the way I struggled to breath for having my body held so firmly, so snug against his. The way that in my drowsy state, a little less self conscious than before, I nuzzled into him, gripped his t-shirt scruff a little tighter, let my fingers wander to curl the locks of his dark hair which tickled the bottom of his neck.

We didn't speak until we reached the patio outside the kitchen. Until he set me down on the bench beneath the window boxes filled with evening primrose. Some of whom were yet to burst open.

"Thank you," I said softly, smiling and mirroring his action when he raised his finger to his lips.

"You're very welcome Miss Gray..." He said quietly as he crouched down at my knees and looked up at me.

For a moment I wasn't sure what he was doing down there on the patio floor, down on one knee as his hands wandered from his pockets. But when he took the ribbons which tied my ballet slippers up and tugged them undone gently, my skin prickled with goosebumps. The self-concious flush returning to my cheeks as I looked down at him. For a fleeting moment I felt brave enough to meet his gaze as he slipped one shoe off and set it down on the stone floor. But just as soon as my bravery has gripped me had it shrunk away and when his fingers tugged the second ribbon loose I found myself looking stubbornly down into my lap. Teeth biting the tip of my tongue as a shyness gripped me.

Because he had no reason to be as sweet to me as he was. And I had no reason to let myself get away with the fluttering of my heart when Bonnie treated me with such kindness. But I couldn't help it. I didn't want to stop him. I liked his gentle ways and the gentle way he treated me.

"Thanks..." I said again, my voice so soft I was surprised he heard it.

"Like I said," he shrugged, offering me his hand as he stood up, helping me to stand too, "you're very welcome sweetheart."

And when my eyes met his again I felt something shift. Something I couldn't quite place. It was subtle enough that I might have missed it had I not looked up in that precise moment. It wasn't subtle enough that I couldn't feel it's lingering effect.

The way I felt drawn closer to him. The way I felt my heart swell to look at him. The way I felt a swirling guilt in my stomach as my hand hovered above my womb. Because my whole body recognised this feeling, this sudden change. There was no denying it.

And when he bid me goodnight, promised he wouldn't be long upstairs behind me, I felt disappointed he wasn't walking me to my door. Disappointed that I wouldn't be falling asleep to the sound of his slowed soft breaths.

But when I closed my bedroom door behind me and saw my phone lit up at the end of my bed, I realised that perhaps his absence was for the best.

I had three missed calls and a voice mail. All of them from a number I didn't recognise. The sight of which set my heart racing with a hopeful anxiety as I dialled 121 and waited for the voice I'd been missing.

"My heart," a sob rose in my throat with Freddie's first syllable, my hand clamping over my mouth as I held my breath and tried to listen to his rushed message, "I made it out, I can't tell you where I am but I'm safe... I love you, fuck... I heard about your brother closing ranks but.. fuck, my heart, we can be together, it's safe out here, where I am... We can be together here, I love you... Get back to London for me baby, let me steal you away..."

His message ended abruptly, his voice filling my senses and then suddenly so cruelly snatched away that for a moment I remained frozen at the end of my bed, clutching the phone to my ear just waiting for the message to replay after the tone so that I could let him fill up my senses all over again.

"fuck, my heart, we can be together, it's safe out here, where I am... We can be together here, I love you..."

I let my lips follow along with him on my third listen, making the shapes his mouth had made as he'd rushed out his message in that shivered whisper. Felt my heart aching to be close enough to him that I might trace those lips with my fingers instead.

And as I lay back on my bed, head resting on my pillow, listening to his final message for me on repeat, my hand strayed to rest over my womb and I began letting myself imagine a different future for us. One without his family. One without my brother's. Naive as it may seem, his words were a silk thin thread of hope and I was desperate.

"Get back to London for me baby, let me steal you away..."

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