#[ pls no cry ... can't take it ;; ...... are they finally at second base ... anxiety vomiting in front of each other ........... ]

[estarion]

the shift from thinking he’s about to be rejected, to all signs pointing that he should shut up and stay put, renders him a tad off-balance.  astarion lowers himself to the ground completely, aligning with the moment, with her.  the touching of spines feels more intimate and fragile than a secret kiss.  imagine a puppy with soft wet eyes mentally pursuing his own tail over the whims of a feline.   “i did—i do.”   so breathlessly eager.  what is he, a puppy or a groom?  did akina just propose to whisk him away, keep him as her own?  he hugs his knees, begins rocking minutely forward and back.  yes, he thinks she did.  at least for a while.  perhaps a while could become longer if he feigns grotesque ignorance...  ‘slow down, darling, i’m naturally stupid.’  tender white lies he’d tell, just to see if it’d make her laugh, go easier on him.  just to remain by her side.

she doesn’t need to know that his mind is a ravenous deathtrap.  that it can absorb myriad sensory details under the right amount of pressure or concentration and retain all in true fidelity.  gifts of the divine progenitor, fellow high elves would probably call it.  vampirism hasn’t corrupted it too much—and that’s been his greatest woe.  he’s unable to forget anything he’s sunken his ‘teeth’ into.  or that have sunken theirs into him. but he’s grown adept at phasing away when he wants, when he must, crossing to other planes, deadening his gaze and projecting the air of a man whose head is so light it may very well spontaneously lift from his shoulders.  what could akina possibly want of such a man?  it’s not like he’ll be of much use to her soon.  she’s already capable of so much alone, is razor-sharp and quick with an uncommonly strong gut.  far stronger than his, he often thinks.  she had no qualms about what they did to that fucker up in the mountains.  astarion wasn’t as steady.  her body was the only thing that took his mind off how wicked that was, how bloody they both were. he wanted to clean the man’s stain from her skin with his own tongue... but the thought fluttered his stomach too much. see? weak.

“if you’re being serious... i still have all that treasure.”   from the rich dead fuck. his mind is sort of spinning now. he has to start using it more.   “we could afford to keep the horses, get a carriage.  i suppose i’ll need a coffin.”   he tries to laugh but no sound emerges.  he’s gripping his calves tight, arms silently shaking, forehead pressed to a knee.  he feels... tiny.  an idiotic little boy who is starting to like a girl enough to want to believe in her.   “ugh!  coffins...”   slippered feet stamp the ground in a bout of impatience;  he wants to throw a fit.  he wants to throw up.   “should we go back and see what the others are doing?  talking shit about us, maybe...  want to plot their deaths with me?  also, i have something for you in my tent, don’t let me forget to give it to you.  it was going to be a goodbye gift, but... it doesn’t have to be that now.”

 of course nobody would miss them if one day they both ended up disappearing in a pit or being stabbed with a stick to the heart — though that legend only circled around him , she thinks maybe that's why she's sharpening one into a hypothetical weapon . akina mori doesn't hold grudges , she doesn't lecture people and that might be something not even shadowheart could defend . no , ahe lets people make their tiny little mistakes and punishes them to her own rules because she thinks they must have learned how not to make them themselves ; isn't astarion centuries years old ? shouldn't he know how to treat something messy like her by now ? how many girls did he have with long hair and anger issues ? he should know , he should have known better .

 but it's not even half of their problems — the problem is that their fake fellowship of friendship is breaking and she has no excuse to see astarion anymore . she had to leave without looking at him twice because they're on bad terms , had to leave without looking at him when he looked like an abandoned moon in the heart of the night . sharp , as if you've tugged his face upward from his ears – she never denied his attractive features because she was afraid she'd be called blind / dumb . but good things often come with a series of unfortunate issues with them , they come and always make the good and pretty women cry ; akina frowns down at him . is he pouting ? is that why he's facing away from her ? quiet as a cat , she's jumped down on the grass . trusts his sharp ears to pick the sound but doesn't expect him to turn around yet , so with a clenched jaw , stands behind him and stares . aren't you glad ? yeah , aren't you fucking glad , akina ?

 ❛ . . . you said you wanted to learn kozakuran . ❜  they made such a fuss about it , lae’zel almost punched akina herself when akina mentioned that she knows that language — she's always so aggressive . ❛ didn't you ? ❜  it doesn't have to end so soon , you don't even know how i love your stupid little v-neck shirts . her fists relax , she frowns again but more at herself before quickly turning around ; away from his direct eye contact if he wanted to turn around , away from his mocking stare . so you don't want to let go of me just yet ? and sits behind him , feels the curve of his spine against her own , starts toying with her fingers like a restless child . the whole fellowship had filled her days with such joy that akina really was starting to believe that she didn't have to sleep with a knife under her pillow , always alert like a lonely street cat . she'd sit with astarion when he'd be in a generous mood and stay guard at night , she'd make excuses like she couldn't sleep and end up with her head on his thigh ; he wouldn't stroke her hair , she wouldn't want him to , but why wouldn't he ? ❛ i can teach you – after this . if you're still alive . o— or i could just write it for you . it'd take days, so , i think we'd have to travel together a little more . you're immortal you have all the time in the world anyway . ❜