#[ me taking the chance to write a long-ass inner monologue for nnoitra? YUP ]

[despairforme]

Do you ever just sit there and...think for a while? And when you do...do you ever think about your life, your past, like I do? And that sometimes it just feels like, what's the point? Life is, well...pointless, in a way. Unless we accomplish something great, our lives amount to nothing. Do you ever feel like you're undeserving of love? I feel like that, sometimes. Even making just a friend is hard, and I don't know why. Do you feel like that? When people just...leave you, for something you can't control? Even if you want to change, you don't know how... I feel like I've given up on love, because honestly what's the fucking point anymore. I'm sick of waiting patiently for someone who won't even arrive. It must be me, it's always just me, I guess. Do you get it? Am I not making sense? Maybe not. I don't know anymore. I feel like I can relate to you somehow. You say you're bad but that isn't true. No one is just born evil. But like me, there's a time that you just realize...that something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed.

What the fuck kinda long ass-speech was this, and why the fuck was he receiving it? When did he sign up to be a stranger's shrink? He better fucking get paid for this shit. Somehow, he doubted that anyone was paying him.

Do you ever just sit there and think for a while? Well, YEAH, he had a brain and so he did have thoughts. He absolutely tried to avoid sitting all quietly without doing anything, because diving deep into his own thoughts was never a pleasant experience. The more he could distract himself from thinking, the better. The absolute worst thing he could think about was his past. What he had done.

He couldn't say he related to thinking life was pointless, and he definitely couldn't relate to feeling like he needed to accomplish something. Nnoitra wasn't ambitious. What he wanted from life was quite simple - he wanted to be strong. Proving his strength was his biggest reason for even bothering to stay alive. Only the weakest kind of man would take the easy way out, and he wasn't like that. But no, he didn't need to accomplish anything "great". The only person he was looking to for acknowledgement was himself. If he, on the day he died, could think to himself that he'd lived his life as a strong man, then that would be a good death.

As for feeling like he was undeserving of love... YEAH, of course he felt that, because it had been proven to him several times. Not only that, but he knew it was true. Yeah, it was a cliche. Thinking that nobody could ever love you, because you didn't deserve it. But - when you were a bad person like Nnoitra, you had the evidence to back it up. He knew he truly didn't deserve love. That didn't mean he didn't want it. Feeling loved again would be the best feeling, he was certain. Too bad it was just a fantasy at this point.

The next part, he could somewhat relate to. Nnoitra actually didn't have that hard of a time making friends. Probably because all his friendships ( though some of them were long-lasting ), they were somewhat superficial. He knew that if those people knew him on a deeper level, they wouldn't want to be his friends anymore.

Having people leave him... Yeah. The only two people he'd loved ( and who had loved him, if only for a while ) had left him. Yeah, they'd left him for something he couldn't control, but that was hardly an excuse. They hadn't left him because of a bad habit or because he hadn't been devoted or whatever. They'd left because of who Nnoitra was as a person. NOBODY could keep loving someone like him. It was something he'd just have to accept. This wasn't about whether or not he wanted to change. He couldn't change the fundamental part of him. The core. The evil in him.

Nnoitra wasn't waiting for someone to love him. He was waiting for someone who'd maybe briefly love him. Fleeting. Someone he could date for a few months, maybe a few years. Then they'd see him. See the real him - and they'd leave. If he went into the relationship already KNOWING that that would be the outcome, it wouldn't be heartbreaking when it happened. Like it had been in his previous relationships. And he'd be allowed to feel loved again. If only briefly. That was better than nothing.

So yeah, SOME of what this person was saying was resonating with him, even if he could see that they were majorly different from him. Especially when they said the last part - that it wasn't true that he was bad. That nobody was born evil. That was just a fucking disney fantasy. In fact, some people ( like him ) really were born bad. Born evil. Born with a soul that couldn't - and didn't want to be saved. The fact that this stranger didn't think Nnoitra was a bad person just proved that they didn't know anything about him. He wasn't broken. Nothing inside him was broken. But something inside him was missing. There was a difference. If something was broken - you could fix it, but when it was missing? There was nothing to do about that.

❝ Do I look like a fuckin' SHRINK? If ya need someone 'ta bitch 'ta, find someone else. Ain't nothin' worse than listenin' 'ta other people's problems. ❞ He had enough with his own problems. He didn't know if it made him feel better or worse, knowing he could somewhat relate to this stranger. He just didn't want to talk about any of this shit. Or think about it, for that matter.