#[ i hope you don't mind i ended up choosing gran! ]

[unladylikc]

another story awaits @caeruleis​ ;;

      ‘ ...You know, Gran-gran, it’s kinda strange to see you without Vyrnie or Lyr-puff around; in fact, I can’t really recall the last time I had you all to myself, ’  Vivian admits while signing. By now, she had already  GROWN  accustomed to the language, she’ll sometimes forget Gran could still read lips. ‘ Seriously, though, are you sure you don’t mind accompanying me to the marketplace? ‘Cause all I’m really looking to buy is a new notebook and maybe some more snacks. ’

[pacifymebby]

Hope I’m not bothering u but ahhh okay so I just feel super triggered tonight —- ED ref

So one of my friends parents friends (lol) has a photography business and was asking me if I knew anyone who has done previous modelling or would want to for something he’s working on… anyway, somehow it ends up with him asking me if I want to and I was happy to tbh cause it seems fun and chill for what he was doing but he wanted to see if I’d done any photos similar to what he had in mind before so I was gonna just get some that I chose but *I really wanted to be mad rn* he went through my Facebook photos from when I was deep in my ED + severely underweight that I forgot to delete and maaan sometimes I just see them and feel like if someone else looks at that and thinks it looks good then I feel like I should go back to that even tho I was so sick and idk it gets me in this mindset where I just feel so triggered I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror 😔

Have other stuff in my inbox I don't have the mental capacity to answer but I read this n dude it resonated so so hard!!!

First of all, like I would also be mad about someone doing that to me, even though like obviously I know the photos are public. I kinda feel like if u ask someone to give u photos of themselves you let them choose, you don't just scroll back through old photos and like, assert which ones are good.

Secondly I totally get what u mean about when other people see photos of u when u were sick and say you looked good, like for real, it makes me question whether I was even ill because sick people don't look "good" they look unwell. But in reality this isn't the case at all and you can never tell how healthy someone is just by looking at them. Especially when it comes to eating disorders like.

There are a lot of pictures of me around family members Houses or on my grandparents Facebook of me when I was very ill and people who don't know me but are friends with my gran have commented shit like "gorgeous" on them. I find it so weird and I try my best to just ignore them because they don't know me or how ill I was and honestly neither does my nan.

It's such a shame this has tainted what could have been such a chill and also like progressive experience for you and I really hope you don't let it stop you. For real they wouldn't have asked you if they didn't want to photograph the you that you are now!!

One thing I've noticed is that people who don't know you were ill or don't know you that well barely even notice the changes in your appearance over the years. My uncle who saw me maybe 4 times a year once said "you didn't ever look too thin" to me which I used to find really upsetting but like I realise now was him trying to be nice and also just him genuinely not being able to notice the subtle changes in my physical appearance that were indicative of my changing health.

I think for you the most important thing you can do is remind yourself how you felt in those pictures, I'm gonna take a guess and say you weren't satisfied with yourself? You weren't happy with how you looked? You lacked confidence/self esteem, felt uncomfortable maybe when you were being photographed. When you relapse with an ED or try to go back, you don't just lose weight, you lose the ability to feel comfortable with yourself ever. Just remind yourself of that emotional torture and keep telling yourself that appearances aren't important in comparison to that. Feeling comfortable with yourself is the most important thing, it doesn't matter what other people perceive to look good, other people can't see how you feel inside.

Also you just don't need to go back. Just because this one guy thought those photos of you looked good doesn't mean you weren't sick or thst you should go back to that (and remember we are all of us conditioned to perceive "skinny" as good by wellness capitalism and beauty industries who want to sell us impossible beauty standards to ensure we are always giving them our money whilst never achieving satisfaction!!!! Men especially are literally told what they should think looks good by the media)

At the end of the day anon you are gorgeous no matter what!! You don't need to change yourself one little bit because apart from anything else I say so!!! ❤️❤️❤️