#[ and i can't sin in front of edward nilsen ]

[qverdia]

❛ alex . ❜ as pathetic as it was , abilene whimpered when he moved away from her , her hands reaching after him and grasping nothing but the sheets of the cot for a moment . the shifting of her body when he got up and from abilene reaching for him caused a fresh wave of white-hot pain to shoot up her leg . she grit her teeth and grimaced and when alex leaned over to kiss her head she reached for him again . this time , her hand grasped the front of his jumpsuit in her fist .

her full lips parted , but no words came out . there was suddenly too many thoughts swimming around in her head , too many words that she wanted to say . she wanted to plead with him to stay , pride be damned she'd be pathetic if it meant that he'd stay . she wanted to reassure him . she wanted to tell him that it really wasn't so bad , at least she wasn't hallucinating like in the arena .

she'd make up some funny story about how when she'd gotten bitten before she'd been certain that the little fly buzzing around her head had ceasar flickerman's head singing home on the range or something . it wasn't true , the real hallucinations had been horrific and terrifying and not anything she wanted to repeat let alone remember . but that would get him to smile , wouldn't it ? and then he'd stay , wouldn't he ? and he'd agree to go home with her in the morning and they'd never even speak of the capitol again .

her lower lip quivered , hazel eyes glossy and wet . it was unfair of her to ask him to give up on everything . it was selfish and wrong to beg him to leave with her without any justice for everything that had happened to him . he wanted to seek vengeance for her as well for every hand that was laid on her vengeance she didn't want and had refused to give him the names he asked for . abilene was tired , and her heart was heavy . finnick was dead , and that little girl from twelve , and the crew and . . . she squeezed her eyes shut as though it could ward off the memories , her head shaking as though it could ward off the screams and the hissing .

then there were their infallible leaders . the secret vote held shortly after president snow was captured . all of the victors had been sworn to secrecy and it was a secret that weighed heavily on abilene , one she was afraid to share with alex . she wasn't afraid of him . she was afraid that his anger and hurt would take hold inside of him and change him from the alexander she loved .

❛ snow will be dead in a few days . . . we need to go home . please , mi vida , i want to take you and the boys home . ❜

“oh,  do they now?”   he can’t help the laugh that escapes him,  shaking his head because it’s such a ridiculous concept.   “i wouldn’t know,  never had one.   wouldn’t want to have one.   i only ever want my wife,”   he admits truthfully,  refusing to play along out of respect for her.   some jokes shouldn’t be indulged.   amusement fills his pale blue hues as she rolls her eyes,  he leans in and kisses her temple before teasing her some more.   “what?   are you afraid we’ll jinx something or are my genes not good enough to pass down to the next generation?”   chuckling,  just so happy that she’s here with him,  that she’s survived.   he squeezes her closer to his chest as she recites what he said last night back to him,  his heart swelling.   “well,  tell david that when he’s already dead set on being the ring bearer.   we need to have a real ceremony or he’ll never forgive us.”   when the war’s over,  he’ll marry her in some breathtaking place in what had once been district ten.   do something special.   but for now words and promises and his mother’s ring will have to do.

hearing her hiss in pain,  alex’s features contort in sympathy.   “you in a lot of pain,  hm?”   his smile wilting away,  replaced by a frown as he sits up and attempts to examine the wound.   it doesn’t look good at all.   a few inches up and she would only have one leg.   those creatures could have torn her to pieces.   she could have died…   he can feel panic rising in the back of his throat like bile,  his stomach turning upside down.   “when’s the last time someone looked at it?   i’ll go get the nurse.   maybe you should be getting more painkillers or maybe they can give you something to help you sleep better.”   grumbling more to himself than to abilene,  he’s already pushing himself off her bed,  putting his boots back on,  ready to head out the room and come back with a medic.   focusing on some task just so that he doesn’t have to focus on his racing mind.   his heart constricts,  just trying to imagine what she’s going through.   he kisses her head —   a silent promise to return to her side.   but then she’s speaking up again and catching his attention,  keeping him in place for another moment.   “of course,  we’ll go home,  baby.   this won’t last forever.   looks like the odds are finally in our favor.”   he doesn’t understand what exactly she’s trying to say,  thinking she’s tired of the hospital stay.   “i’ll speak to haymitch,  maybe he can…   i’m not letting you go on another mission,  baby.”