#<- idk I'm trying to find people without sensory issues but I'm not sure how to do that. especially since most of this website is neurodive

[casualnearenjoyer]

I realized I'm not sure if this is normal and I really want to know if it is.

If you think this poll makes sense, please reblog for sample size, I really want to know

[k1ll-theb1tch]

1, 10, 11, 13, 15, 18, 20, 22, 23, 24, 26, 28, 31, 34, 35, 38, 39, 40, 41, 44, & 46 for the Autism ask meme

1. How old were you when you found out you were autistic?- I haven't been professionally diagnosed. But it feels so obvious that I have it. I feel very comfortable around other autistic people and I have many autistic traits and behaviors. So I diagnosed myself. There have been some flags from my childhood too. I am also pretty sure I had pica or still have it too? Idk. I ate dog food as a child because it tasted good. But I have been self diagnosed for a few years now. Maybe.....three years? My sense of time is very flawed.

10. What are your most common stims?- hm....I am a chewer sometimes. Humming.....shaking my head...scrunchijg my nose and other more subtle stims like popping my socks when I am sitting down. Um....clicking ...stimming with my dogs ears...oh and the big one is stimming with crinkly things and imitating the crinkly sound.

11. If you could give any advice to your younger self, what would it be?- sigh. This is a hard one. Because I felt like such a freak when I was younger. I didn't have any friends and I didn't know how to relate to people. I tried my hardest. But I just got more bullied the harder I tried. So....I would tell myself not to try so hard. I would tell myself.....to focus on your special interests and enjoy the things you enjoy without apologizing. My special interests got me through my school years. So I would say to my younger self to focus even more on that and your school work rather than trying to make friends who are just mean and closed minded people. And....that one day you will have friends who understand more. Just hang in there.

13. Tell us an autistic person that you really look up to.- Well this isn't a real person. But a character in a show. The Big Bang theory. Sheldon. I see myself in Sheldon. A lot of me. He does have a heart. And he cares about people. Just like how I care so much for people. But he just doesn't understand neurological ways of thinking. And the things NT people do and how they communicate. He is just himself and he has friends who do like him despite his bluntly honest moments.

15. Have you ever received any accommodations for your autism in either school or work?- i can't remember what grade I was in. But I remember briefly I did have some accommodations. Mostly just for math since that was a whole different issue and not my autism. I live in Mississippi so it is a very religious based state. The only "accommodations" i get is prayer. I'm not even religious.

18. Do you find it easier to get along with other autistic people?- oh hell yeah. I don't even have to think about masking. Its much easier.

20. What kinds of things are good sensory wise?- oooooh my dogs ears is my favorite. And his little paws. I use my dog to stim with a lot!

22. Would you say you're proud to be autistic?- in the past, I would say no. But now that I am getting older and am meeting more ND and autistic people....yes. I am getting closer and closer to becoming very proud.

23. What's the longest you've ever has a special interest for?- my current special interests. Medical illnesses and mental illnesses and disabilities. And lady gaga. Lady gaga has been a special interest since 2010. The other.....about.....well, since middle school. I'm 30 now. So that is a long time.

24. Do you have meltdowns?- occasionally. I don't have sensory related meltdowns because I rarely leave my house. But I have routine based meltdowns sometimes. Like if something major happens and messes up my routine. Yes.

26. Do you avoid eye contact?- god...yes. lol

28. How long do your special interests usually last for?- I kinda answered that already.

31. Do you have a comfort item? If you feel comfortable with it, then show it to us.- i do have a comfort item. I will post a picture! His name is shiber and he is a stuffie! A puppy stuffie.

34. Do you enjoy hugs? Or are they sensory hell?- I really don't enjoy hugs. No. They aren't fun for me. And they don't make me feel comforted.

35. Have you ever used a weighted blanket?- no. I haven't.

38. How good are you at detecting sarcasm?- only if I really know the person who was sarcastic toward me. I don't think I understand how to do sarcasm myself. But if I know someone well enough then I can tell when they are being sarcastic.

39. What's the most comfortable/sensory friendly outfit you own?- the thing i literally wear every single day. One of three hoodies. I only have three tbh. Big shirt. And leggings.

40. Do you collect anything related to your special interest?- yes. It used to be a lot more than it is now. But I do collect gaga things.

41. If you date people then would you prefer to date other autistic people?- yeah. Or just a ND person in general. Someone who understands more and doesn't just call my autism cute or just being quirky.

44. Who are your favorite autistic bloggers? Say something nice about them.-

@ukaknir for sure. He is really my first tumblr autism friend. He is special to me already because of this. He really does help me out if I am confused about something. And he loves vkei just like me. He's got great taste in music. 💜

46. Are you generally a loud or quiet person?- definitely more on the quiet side.

[the-amalgam-house]

That woman she was talking to decided she doesn't want to do long distance, and is no longer talking to my wife.

My wife, understandably, is very upset about it.

But I...don't feel that sympathetic? Maybe it was the whole divorce topic, idk. Usually I feel so sad for her when a crush or partner breaks up with her, but as nice as this woman seemed, maybe the trauma that was caused by them talking to begin with has made me more numb to it? I don't know, and I'm kind of concerned, because I never just DON'T feel.

That doesn't mean I'm like gonna ignore her feelings. I love her and want her to be happy, so I mean I can try to cheer her up and comfort her in her feelings whenever I can. But I don't feel bad personally for this bit of conflict in my own life just up and leaving. Usually I try to be like give it time maybe you can still be friends etc etc but right now I'm just like. Good.

It seems mean. Somehow it feels foreign and a little malevolent. Because she wants to build a long term village model family, and that's okay! It's okay for her to be sad about her potential ideal partners not reciprocating! I just. I don't know, I don't feel bad about it. Not anymore.

She keeps looking to other people and the feeling of new relationships for validation and I wish, I WISH she could learn to be alone without pain. I wish she could learn to look for the light in herself and those who are already committed to her. I get the need for many people because assuming a single person can meet ALL of your needs is ridiculous, but I do wish she would try to build family in platonic friendships instead of trying to look solely for romantic. I know I'm sub-par because of the bullshit life three at me immediately in adulthood, it's unfair to both of us. But even so, I'm right here. I still hold her, I still love her. My sensory issues might be a problem way way too often and I hate it and I know she hates it but like. Maybe she needs to stop with pursuing others and work on becoming her own light in her life.

It's easier said than done, I know. I know so very intimately that trying to like yourself, much less love yourself, it's such a monumental and exhausting task when your whole life has been hating and judging and berating yourself nonstop. More romantic relationships isn't automatically gonna fix that. Finding other people who are nice to you isn't automatically gonna fix that. Everyone is so complex and has different wants and needs and just being nice to someone doesn't mean they belong in your life forever. Everything is temporary.

I wish she could see herself the way that I do. She works hard on everything she sets her mind to. She lives with every atom of her being. She can be self centered, sure, which can get annoying, but if everyone ever dropped people because of a few flaws then no one would have relationships at all.

And I love her! Even when I don't want physical contact or speaking I think about her and feel all happy inside! I think about all the memories we've made since meeting and as much as my memory is absolute shit, there's so many happy ones with her in them? Like !!!!!!!!!!!!

"She was a light in my life." That's how she talks about this woman. The rebound girl. I know life has been unforgiving lately, especially to her. I can see why she would see a new relationship as a bright spot given everything that she's been through recently. I know I can never be everything for her on my own. I wish I could, I wish so extremely badly I could be so much more than I am SPECIFICALLY for her. But I get tired of every conversation being about the other people she's chasing. I won't tell her to stop because I know she'd live in misery that way. And I'm not UNhappy just for her being polyam. It's cute when she gets excited about people who might actually love and accept her for exactly who she is. Just. Idk.

It doesn't help that I'm far more emotionally stunted than I thought. Being an emotional person and being able to EXPRESS emotions in a healthy way are two completely different things. I'm not trying to put all the blame on myself, I always do that and I'm trying to stop doing that. Still feels mean tho.

[vvanillavveins]

This one is such a cool idea, thank you for tagging me!! I am sorry this is so late- I had to actually sit & think about this for a good 2-3 days because damn it's difficult.

I had to talk through each one in order to work out an order, so i'm sorry for the incoming rambling if anyone reads this-

oh god oh fuck

1. The Vast, I think? - Open spaces? My own insignificance? Incomprehensible giant creatures?- Couldn't care less, actually, almost boring, in fact. Heights?- Love the adrenaline rush, can't get enough of them. However, my one & only life-long phobia is deep water. If you asked me what would be the worst possible thing that you could ever do to me, i'd say it'd be leaving me to tread water in the middle of the ocean. I can't even look at paintings of deep water without my pulse increasing. Those really cool little diorama things people make with the resin fake water? I stop being able to breathe when i look at them. No idea why. Phobias are just weird like that.

2. The Corruption - idk if its sensory issues or what but if i find bugs in my house i feel itchy and hot and start tearing at my skin and it's just awful.

3. The Eye - i don't like being watched. Being watched by The Eye means never truly being alone again & i need to be alone to keep sane.

4. The Desolation - on one hand, losing everything would be quite freeing. On the other hand, everyone around me being hurt isn't fair- if it's my fear then i should be the only one suffering.

5. The Extinction - like the Desolation, more depressing than scary. I think life in an apocalyptic wasteland would be way too monotonous for me though.

6. The Web - i can't handle change, so completely losing control of everything would not end well, lmao.

7. The Buried - i feel pretty neutral about all the physical manifestations of this one. It's the financial element that makes it stressful.

8. The Dark - eh, i've never been scared of the dark & i can't see very well in most light anyway. TMA is just really well written; it's the one of the only things that've made me understand why people fear the dark.

9. The End - again, no real strong feelings about this one. The lack of proper action is a bit tedious. But overall it just kinda feels comforting, in a way? I like the security/reliability of it. Also, i'm a massive coimetrophile.

10. The Hunt - i like adrenaline; i really love the feeling of being chased. Even if i logically understand that it's a matter of survival, some part of my brain still goes, "ooo what a fun ✨️game✨️", lmao.

11. The Slaughter - being chased is a game, so i'll run- but unless i am actually told to, running just doesn't naturally occur to me. Most of the time when i'm presented with an actual threat i skip past fear and go straight to anger. It's foolhardy, sure, but how dare anything have the audacity to think it can threaten me? I'm not saying I'd win a fight with a Slaughter avatar, but i would try. I think being a masochist helps.

12. The Spiral - less of a threat and more of just a continuation of my everyday life, i'm not sure what would change tbh. I do like liminal spaces, though, so that's a plus. Also, i feel like a Spiral avatar would be quite good company for a brain like mine- i could quite happily just chatter at them without having to over-explain & redefine everything.

13. The Flesh - gore & viscera are satisfying, and i honestly think i'd give anything for limitless body modification.

14. The Lonely - what makes the Lonely so appealing to me is how it isolates you; it either strands you in empty places or it replaces the people around you. If there's no one to reach out to, then you can't do anything to fix your loneliness. Never being able to form genuine connections with others is painful, but the Lonely would help get rid of the initial desire for connection. I think the Lonely would help me be much more at peace with myself.

15. The Stranger - i don't fear the Stranger because, ironically, it's the most familiar one. And i know for sure i could survive whatever it can throw at me; i already can't read faces or voices, i've already forgotten entire people like they were just deleted from my memory & i don't experience the uncanny valley effect- so it wouldn't get any fear from me anyway. Hell, in my lowest most paranoid moments, i've genuinely believed that my loved ones were replaced by shapeshifters. But i'm still here after all of that shit- so bring it on! Tbh, if i encountered the Stranger i'd probably ask to join it. It'd be nice if i could actually gain something from people's uneasiness around me. And the whole 'circus of the other' thing sounds like my childhood dreams come true, lmfao. 100% fuck yeah category material

fuck yeah

i ranked the tma fears from scariest to least scariest because i felt like it. no pressure but reblog with your rankings i wanna see!

oh god oh fuck

1. the corruption

2. the desolation

3. the hunt

4. the buried

5. the web

6. the extinction

7. the slaughter

8. the stranger

9. the dark

10. the flesh

11. the lonely

12. the eye

13. the end

14. the vast

15. the spiral

fuck yeah

tagging a couple of my moots if you wanna try :D

@encryptidarchivist @humanteethmarksonhumanbone @willdisappearintothelonely @styrofoamdoor @urnewsteppappa

[f4y3w00d5]

-someone else in vivis system is front stuck and has been for about a week (7 days) now and i can barely cope two days without Vivi and for the last like 6 months ive spoken to her at the very least once a week

-Absolutely ZERO privacy at home. Or school. or anywhere. Like, literally. I dont have my own room. I'm sleeping with the entire rest of my family in one room. its cold. the blankets are wrong. i keep losing stuff. mum snores so loud. they get angry at me for moving too much. I cant even watch TV

-my phone broke and ive lost most of my stuff and im stuck with a phone that you cant find phone cases for and its literally just my mums old phone

-School camp. The girls were gossiping about me. I was in my tent and they didnt know and they said no one liked me and no one wanted me there. Id rather be there than at home, idc if i was in a tiny tent doing shitty activities in negative degree weather, home is worse. At least i had happy points. at least i could call Mon before bed

-School works starting to add up, and my mental healths declining. Not even cos of that, but cos of that i cant miss classes and have 'time out' cos i miss too much

-next year i think tumblr is banned at school even during breaks and i need mental breaks and tumblrs where i try and go for it, i get As and Bs anyway(not good enough for my dad tho) even tho im on tumblr all class and i miss most classes

-its still fucking freezing and the school uniform is a dress and blazer and neither keep the cold out and im freezing and the uniform gives sensory issues anyway and it makes me feel shitty about myself more

-One of my few friends best 2 friends are homophobic. sure its not in the hatred way, they just think nonbinary people and neopronoun users are dumb. also furries/therians. i think theyre open to reasoning and stuff but idk i dont like it

and so so much more, including littler stuff like how big the school is so i struggle to get around it, how mum yells at me for small things, how at home i have to do everything for myself and sisters, how im constantly dead tired, and more

I cried myself to sleep last night