#< this has truly been the most accurate tag i could've picked

[hero-is-back]

girl help they're killing me

[kindahoping4forever]

2021 Writing Self Evaluation

Thanks to Jess (@daydadahlias) for thinking to tag me for this!

1. Number of stories posted

15 (more than I expected tbh, given the year I had smh)

2. Word count posted for the year

84,210 solo, 109,210 counting my collab with Cass

3. Fandoms I wrote for

5SOS

4. Main pairings

Ashton/You (13), Calum/You (2)

(I struggled what to call these pairings lol. I absolutely hate calling my stories 'reader insert' or "yn" fic just because I choose to write in 2nd person - I work hard to make all of my POV characters and relationships defined and different from story to story! But Ashton/Original Reader Character sounded pretentious so idk what to call it smh 😂🥸)

5. Story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments

My 2021 output isn't entirely on AO3 yet so of what I do have posted there, Come In With The Rain takes the prize. On Tumblr, the honor goes to either Feedback or Don't Wanna Wait On It. (Feedback has the higher note count but was posted at the height of the staff bot era so I'm sure the count is greatly inflated so I always take that number with a grain of salt 👀😅)

6. Work I'm most proud of (and why)

Honestly I could put a few different stories here, without sounding too cocky, I genuinely feel like I wrote some beautiful stories this year. But the one I keep coming back to, the one I think might actually be my favorite of all time is Come In With The Rain. It feels the closest to what I saw in my mind when I envisioned writing it and it's the story that I think most accurately conveys the emotions I wanted to make my readers feel. (Like a cozy clown deeply in love 😌) I'm also ridiculously proud of When The Sun Came Up, my collab with Cass, I think we crafted a story that was equal parts thoughtful, heartbreaking and sexy.

7. Work I'm least proud of (and why)

I truly did love everything I posted this year. If I have to pick something for this question, I'd probably go with my most recent, Threw Out Our Cloaks & Daggers Because It's Morning Now. It sets the stage for an arc I've been wrestling to write for almost a year now and while I feel like it's a necessary piece of the puzzle, I'm still not sure how effective it is as a standalone or if it feels like it truly belongs in my Gardener Ash series. I struggled to write it for months and ended up combining it with another fic I had completed but abandoned because I felt it was lacking. It mostly works and I think when I finish the rest of the arc, I'll appreciate it more but for right now, I feel like I could've done better, even if I'm not sure how. (It also flopped which shouldn't skew my view of it but it does tbh 😬)

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received

Comments and reviews matter so fucking much to me, you guys. I can't believe whenever I hear that someone goes out of their way to check for updates or reads my fics multiple times. I love when I get comments telling me something in everyday life reminded someone of one of my stories, like happened a lot with A Little Bit Scandalous ("the Invisible House story") or Handprints ("the mirror story"). But probably my most favorite type of feedback is hearing that my stories felt realistic or reminiscent of an actual experience the reader had. I always want my stories to toe the line between being dreamy and fantasy based while still seeming plausible, attainable even. So hearing I've achieved that sends me to the moon. 🥰

9. A time when writing was really, really hard

I'll be honest, I can't think of a moment this year when writing wasn't really, really hard. Many of you know I live with a number of chronic illnesses and in addition to managing those, this year I've managed to add some to the list. (Cluster headaches for a month straight! Unexplained back and pelvic pain going on 8 months!) Oh yeah, and I'm still unemployed and we're still in a pandemic. On a good day, my mind is still probably 65% clouded with stress, anxiety, depression and fatigue so the fact that I wrote over 100k words? Is NUTS to me. I fought hard for every single one of them and the frustration was absolutely worth it.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

Stage!Ash was never meant to be a series nor a love story. I truly just wanted to clown over sweaty, beardy Ash being back on stage but couldn't find a hook I found interesting enough to pursue and Cass, genius that she is, suggested the "first time seeing him drum" angle, which I loved and that led me to framing Encore as a new relationship. As I wrote it, it became sweeter and softer than I ever imagined it would and by the time I was finished, I was fully invested. I've never written a "falling in love" couple before, I'm used to "still in love" established couples so it's been a fun challenge and I'm glad people encouraged me to continue it as a series.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing

I'm gonna be self-indulgent and highlight two passages ��First, like I said, I'm really pleased with Come In With The Rain's ability to let the audience live in the characters' headspace for a while. This excerpt isn't anything fancy, isn't even the most poetic of the piece, but the narrative stillness is something new for me and painting this picture of quiet domesticity and loving familiarity was one of my favorite tasks of the year 🥰 (And if you're familiar with the fic, the scene that follows is def my fav smut I wrote this year, possibly ever tbh 😌)

You take your time washing up, enjoying the contrast of the warm water against the cool air of the kitchen and appreciating the sounds of Ashton absentmindedly singing along to his album of choice while he sits on the couch, scrolling away on his iPad. You finish and go to join him, guffawing at the sight of him clapping giddily when he sees you entering the room bearing a fresh cup of coffee for each of you.

You curl up next to him, tucking your feet under his thigh for warmth, much to his chagrin. You relax and sip your drink, watching the wind blow the trees outside the window, being entertained by Ash switching back and forth between reading you interesting soundbites from the articles he’s reading to singing along to the music in varying degrees of seriousness.

“Kinda feel like smokin’ something but honestly I don’t feel like getting up to get our shit. How’s that for lazy?” He muses with a grin.

A couple hours pass, maybe more; time really has no meaning on a day like this. The rain has ceased for the moment but the sky is still threateningly overcast, casting a dreamlike haze over the room. Ashton keeps insisting that “after this song” he’s going to get up and check the heater but he started saying that at least three albums ago.

You’ve ended up sprawled out on the couch, your head in his lap; it’s your job to change the record when it’s time but you’ve still managed to doze off here and there, so cozy and comfortable with Ash quietly singing above you, hands occasionally running through your hair or over your shoulder.

You sleepily turn over on your side, gazing at him through hooded eyes; after one too many jabs from you, he’s lost the iPad and as he sits there, one hand scrolling his phone, the other pensively scratching at his beard while humming under his breath, you feel an overwhelming flood of feelings. Love. Happiness. Peace. Desire.

You reach your hand out and caress the tops of his thighs, wanting to feel more of him underneath you, wanting to remind him you’re there. Your heart swells when you see a fond smile paint his face and he instinctively brings a hand down to rub over your arm, continuing the silent but appreciative conversation between your bodies.

This second excerpt, from To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere, is similar to the first - a quiet moment of reverent appreciation between partners. I've just always loved it because it follows an absurdly filthy section of the fic and then takes a sharp turn towards some of the softest, most flowery writing I'd done at that time. I feel like that duality became a trademark for me this year (for the Swift-literate, Cass has repeatedly declared this my "Lover era" 😅) and it really encapsulates what I find appealing about exploring relationships in fic (or in life tbqh).

He lays behind you, wrapping his arms around you and breathing a soft sigh of your name against your hair. The two of you lay in loving silence, basking in the contrast between the cool breeze blowing across your skin and the warmth of your lover’s body on you.

Ash is such a large presence, literally and figuratively, you love the firmness and safety of being enveloped by him. But after a few minutes, you find yourself needing more and you turn over to face him. His eyes are closed and you stop to study him, taking in every detail: how long his lashes are, how much you love the shape of his nose, how structured but soft his cheeks are, how kissable his lips always seem to look, how his sharp jawline still makes your stomach drop after all this time.

You notice the dimples that you love so much starting to form as he smiles at the feel of your stare. He opens his eyes and with a single look, he’s able to read your energy and know exactly what you’re needing. He fits his hand under your jaw and slowly kisses you, letting you lead the way, inviting your tongue to take and taste all you need from him.

He waits for you to be the one to break the kiss and then he’s gently pushing you onto your back so he can lay his head on your chest. You stroke your fingers through his hair while he uses his to trace designs on your bare stomach.

“I don’t know that I’ve ever been more grateful to be sharing a moment with someone,” Ashton says quietly, the thought still formulating in his mind. You look down to see his hazel eyes gazing fondly at you. “I’m glad it’s with you.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year

I'm really proud of myself for writing for me in 2021. I wrote ridiculously long pieces when they felt right, I wrote PWP when I had a good concept I just wanted to get out into the world. I started writing in 2020 and was fortunate enough to have a solid audience from the get-go (again, thanks to Cass) but as much as I love what I wrote that first year, I can admit now that there was probably too much consideration given to what I thought other people wanted to see from me (or didn't want to see! I toned down a lot of pieces back then tbh) whereas now I aim for my priority to be what I want to spend my time thinking about.

13. How do you hope to grow next year

There's more than a few things I need to work on: I need to stop caring so much about feedback (it's my favorite part of the process but shouldn't determine the value of a fic!), I need to trust my instincts more (taking an hour to write a paragraph because I rewrite each sentence 10 times is like, not fun or practical) and I need to more efficiently manage my time. The pandemic effectively decimated my attention span so it's hard for me to sit and write without picking up my phone every few minutes, especially when the band is in an active phase since I live a double life as a fic blog/update account and I'm always itching to find content. All these things I mentioned make writing a lot more frustrating than it needs to be and I'd like to remedy that so I can enjoy the process as much as I possibly can.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc)

The answer to this question is always going to be @cal-puddies. My best ideas come from talking to Cass, my best drafts are the ones she actively challenges me on and I probably would've quit on about half of my fics from this year if she hadn't kept encouraging me and cheering me on to finish them. I said I wrote for me this year but really I wrote for us. 🦦🦦

15. Anything from your real-life show up in your writing this year?

I definitely drew inspiration from my real life camping experience when writing To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere. I do in fact, have a certain fondness for rainy days. I actually went to the Global Citizen concert and honestly that made writing Stay Here, Honey more difficult because my brain refused to accept if I had to change a detail for logistics/creative license lmao. Beyond that, there's been a few times I've wondered if I've accidentally exposed myself by writing certain kinks one too many times but I won't go into specifics. 😂

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

No idea is too niche - if you've thought about it, someone else definitely has and will love your story. (I legit wrote a fic about getting high and dry humping in a backyard and someone called it "romantic". Your fic will find its audience lmao.)

17. Any projects you're looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I'll go ahead and spill, honestly if you've read this far, you deserve a scoop: Gardener!Ash is getting pegged in 2022, if it's the last thing I do. (I've been trying to plot this arc for A YEAR but I want to do it right and dammit, I will get there!) Also, I am about 25k words deep into a Poly!Cashton series that I'm very excited about (and have also been writing/plotting for well over a year) and can't wait to share.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you'd like to read

If they feel like it, I'd love to see what @cal-puddies @talkfastromance4 @suchalonelysunflower @villainorigincal and @littledrummeraussie have to say!