#;; and also idk maybe it's the eldest daughter in me who may have the tendency to take care of my mom but

[kaerinio]

i just feel sick down to my spirit.

as a black woman, as a queer woman, i'm exhausted. i'm exhausted by not only the assertion, but the very threat that my life doesn't matter. i'm tired of fearing for my life and the lives of my family members and loved ones every single time i step out of the house. i'm tired of gripping my steering wheel every time a cop car is in my vicinity (when i was seventeen, i experienced police brutality firsthand with a gun in my face. i'm lucky to even be alive). i'm just tired, and i'm fucking gutted. every single day, black women are doubted. in every single facet of our lives, we are inundated with the signals that we aren't good enough. and now, we've just been openly shown that no matter what we do, no matter how fucking hard we work, it's just whatever.

i'm heartbroken. all i want to see the people and communities that i love safe, protected, and thriving.

[redriivers]

          what’s up demons it’s ya girl kit, back at it again with a second trash baby, new and worse than ever ! you’ll find some information about lysander under the cut ! um just as a fair warning this shit ended up getting a lot longer than i anticipated, pls forgive me and also hmu for a brief tl;dr if you’re not feeling like reading this monstrosity ..

*.:｡ ✧( jamie dornan , 33 , he / him ) a little bird told me that they have seen lysander rivers roaming the capital, the knight from harrenhal, and loyal to house blackwood. there have been whispers that they’re candid & disciplined. however, some would say that they’re resentful & duplicitous. may the old gods and the new gods be watching over them !

           --- tw for ; murder, death, violence, all kinds of bad things .. sorry. 

ok first off some history headcanons, because technically no one ( show- )canonically holds harrenhal: after the battle for the dawn and the big bad fighting that happens at the end of asoiaf, ser bronn of the blackwater survives and finally gets his damned castle and lordship, making him lord bronn blackwater of harrenhal, which is how ( after a few generations ) lysander ends up here

as you can probably tell by his name, lysander is a bastard from the riverlands, the natural son of lord tion blackwater, fathered on the wife of his kennelmaster, an honestly dimwitted young girl renowned more for her beauty than ... anything else

anyway when she found out she was pregnant she pretty much mcLost it and raised some hell because neither lord blackwater nor her husband were gonna want to be doing shit to make sure she and her baby were safe, so she basically tapped into westerosi call-out culture n guilt-tripped/aggressively pressured lord blackwater into ensuring lysander’s safety

of course she didn’t bargain for her own safety because like i said she ain’t that smart and pretty much figured tion would take care of her but ... once she gave birth to lysander she was ‘given back’ to her husband who, obviously enraged by her infidelity, beat her to an early grave

meanwhile lysander’s father was young, had recently come into his lordship, and was as of yet unmarried, so for a few of the early years he kinda played dad to lysander ? of course he wasn’t a great dude and mostly just had lysander taught to ride and read and fight and all that, things all young boys should know etc. but then he got married and started having real life legitimate children ?

well we all know how that goes --- this new wife was concerned lysander, as the eldest son ( although still a bastard ) might present a threat to the inheritance of her own, legitimate children and tried to talk her husband into ousting him. when that didn’t work ( listen, lysander’s a strapping young lad with an obvious talent for fighting and her own children are weak lil babies which one would you rather hang out with ) she even tried to have him killed 

tbh that was fair, he was a lowkey murderous creep even as a child, but like .. he was still blossoming ok. but he definitely did kill a stableboy for taunting him and calling him a bastard, it was a pretty ... messy affair and all, and definitely didn’t help convince his father’s wife that he wasn’t gonna murder her children to claim their birthright

lmao bad shit happens at harrenhal don’t come for me ok

so after that, for everyone’s safety but also just for his own convenience, tion sends lysander off to be a squire in the service of lord blackwood

ok so this ! is where lysander turns from smol child to Evil Man .. tbh the older her gets, the more cognizant he becomes of how shitty his situation really is, and learning about all the laws of inheritance that preclude him from the lordship he believes should be his pisses him the fuck off

especially after being not so ceremoniously kicked out of his own home where he had pretty much free reign to a place where he was a squire and beholden to some other lord’s commands, he was Not Happy

but mostly he just put that anger into his training like my dude practically came out of the womb with a sword and is damned skilled with it, but also trained in most other common weapons found in the known world. that’s just what happens when you’re a lil dude with a lot of anger and some not so savory tendencies

honestly lives to fight. was knighted by brynjolf blackwood at age sixteen, one of the youngest in the realm at the time, and having grown rather close to lord blackwood’s daughter frida, became her unofficial guard / sworn sword. honestly they were pals ok he definitely felt some loyalty towards her and her father and longs to be accepted and just

doesn’t rly know how to go about that so instead of doing what a normal person does my boy just is a reckless endangerment to most of the surrounding area. he’s furious and resentful of his position and idk just there’s a lot of anger and sadness there but it aint healthy 

so he runs off and picks fights, wants to always be the one leading the charge against outlaws or brigands. even then, he’s garnering a bloody reputation, earning him some unpleasant ( but lbr badass ) nicknames idk. some ppl call him lysander the red --- he doesn’t hate that tbh. loves the ghost of harrenhal��makes him feel ~*~special~*~

 other ppl call him the blackwater bastard. he’s less happy abt that. 

definitely stabhappy. will fight a bitch.. this gets him into some trouble ok like for a while the blackwoods mind their own business and turn a blind eye to the increasingly shitty stuff he gets up to. really, they’re all too happy to have someone skilled doing the dirty work they’d rather not ( listn ok it’s good to have a mad dog on a leash ) but eventually when he seriously wounds a visiting lordling while sparring --- the wound festers, costs the young lord an arm, and rumors abound that lysander’s blade was poisoned --- there’s really no more excuses or second chances

despite an obvious bond with frida, brynjolf still sends lysander away after that ( bc he’s a lil shitstain tbh ) but what he doesn’t know is ... ooooooh it was rly frida who had him sent away, her dad just did the sending

i tbh still need to figure out exactly how old he was when this happened, but idk since then i imagine he’s mostly been making a fucking nuisance of himself in and around the seven kingdoms ? sleeping around, killing dudes, having fun. he’s a big fan of the killing dudes bit idk .. been creeping around the rainwood, the dornish marches, and more recently the kingswood. killin’ outlaws . “protecting people from outlaws” is a great way to cover up just havin fun fighting n stealing from ppl i guess. he makes a few ‘friends’ doing this too, a brotherhood of unsavory, selfish little fucks tbh but oh well, a friends’ a friend

since this everyone and half their damned household came to king’s landing, all the major roadways and passages to the capital have been teeming with outlaws and brigands hoping to steal from these lords and ladies, and right there behind them is lysander and his merry band of murderers ready to kill these thieves, then steal what they had stolen, and then lie through their damned teeth and pretend they never found shit

so yeah this whole big celebration thing is pretty lucrative for him idk he’s having fun, doing his thing, ready to either kill or die at any minute i Guess

anyway like his app says he’s loyal to house blackwood and altho he lowkey maybe still is in some ways, he’s mostly loyal to himself. he’s like a videogame character idk ready to do any kind of sidequest if u pay him enough, but he is Not a good person at all and loves him some torture tbh. can be charming when he wants to be, and goal-oriented and disciplined enough that he can easily come across as the good dutiful soldier but bish he ain’t

highkey wants harrenhal. that’s his #lifegoal but ofc that’s not super easy to achieve. pretty much impossible tbh but hey a boy can dream

so that’s lysander .. honestly if u made it to the end of this fucking thing i applaud u. what a monstrosity smh...