#; please don't knife me in my sleep ily xoxo

[moonhurts]

+ Loss

╰ ⟨ RE: CAMDEN LAHEY ⟩

what do you do when you’re only eight years old and you lose your biggest hero?  when cam goes away after joining the army, i think subconsciously, even as a young child, isaac knows he’ll probably never see him again – which is why he begs and pleads for him to stay.  camden was his hero; the big brother that gave him shoulder rides, protected him from his mother and father’s arguments, bought him spider-man comics, and never pushed him away like so many other older siblings would do with their younger siblings.

they were allies in this home war, after all.  it makes sense that camden would be drawn to fight in an overseas war instead.  people are always drawn to the familiar.

it’s the first major loss isaac experiences, and it hits him like a ton of bricks.  but he isn’t alone in his grief, and camden’s death?  it has a domino effect in the lahey household.

‘promise you’ll come back?’‘of course i’ll come back, squirt. who else is gonna look out for you?’

╰ ⟨ RE: HIS MOTHER ⟩

it isn’t even six months on that he loses his mother.  the same year, just a different season.  she succumbs to the pressure – the loss of her eldest son is the breaking point for a woman suffering from ongoing emotional abuse, and the threat of it turning into something even worse with the explosive outbursts of anger becoming mr lahey’s own way of dealing with his grief.

all isaac wants to do is go back to the time where they’re dancing in the kitchen in their socks, waiting for their latest baking experiment to finish cooking.  he wants to see his mother’s laugh again, and feel her fingers brush through his hair.

instead, isaac’s mother ends her own life when he’s eight years old, only two weeks before christmas.  isaac finds her.  he’s confused by all of this loss.  it feels like a bad dream he can’t wake up from.  the domino effect continues.

‘i love you, little bird. i’ll always love you.’‘if you loved me so much, then why couldn’t you stay?’

╰ ⟨ RE: HIS FATHER ⟩

it’s interesting, because isaac loses his father when he’s eight years old too.  the difference is, unlike his mother and brother, mr lahey’s body keeps on breathing.  it’s his mind – his empathy, love, compassion – that dies.  isaac’s life is never the same after his mother’s funeral.  that impulse control?  that lid on his father’s anger?  it disintegrates.  it confuses him.  an eight year old child who loses his hero, his mother’s kind eyes, and his father’s loving touch – all in a six month timespan.  the first time his father hits him, it’s filled with apologetic eyes and an ice cream to soothe the broken trust.  

it’s an ongoing cycle.  broken trust, new toy car.  broken bones, a trip to the arcade.  broken skin, gentle hands cleaning him up again.  it doesn’t last.

by the time he’s sixteen, there’s no more apologies.  isaac’s punishments aren’t recognised as mistakes anymore.  but despite all of this, isaac can’t help but wish for the return of the father he still remembers when he looks at the family photograph on his bedside table.

when his father is murdered, it’s shocking, but it also isn’t shocking.  it hurts, but it doesn’t hurt as much as the loss over eight years ago.  it’s been a long time coming, and isaac’s gotten pretty good at sensing death and its incoming scythe.  it’s a relief, but it’s also a chapter closed on his life – one that holds fond memories and painful ones all in the same sentence.

‘your father used to lock you in the freezer in the basement to punish you.’‘he didn’t used to.’

╰ ⟨ RE: ERICA REYES ⟩

he finds a new home, a new family, in a twin soul with beautiful everything.  they heal together.  they comfort one another.  they touch each other without intent, be it hand holds or hugs from behind, both knowing the other has never really experienced positive touch – at least not in this decade.  erica and isaac share their dreams, let themselves get whisked away by the possibilities now that they’re no longer weak and pathetic.  they’re like minded.  they understand why the bite is a gift – how it’s changed their lives for the better.  they’re best friends.

erica’s death is the first surprise isaac’s experienced in a long time.

someone with such a bright smirk, so recklessly full of life, shouldn’t die so young.  and he certainly shouldn’t have been the one to find her body, discarded in a supply closet as if it were garbage.  when he finds her, it horrifies him so much that his brain lapses – that it gives him psychogenic amnesia as a coping mechanism, because it traumatises him that much.

the fact that isaac’s mind didn’t lapse on a single memory of his abuse, his mother’s death, anything else horrific in his past, speaks volumes about how much erica meant to him, and how profoundly her death affected him.

‘i’ll see you ‘round, lahey.’‘yeah, yeah. don’t get into too much trouble without me.’

╰ ⟨ RE: VERNON BOYD ⟩

boyd and isaac’s relationship is a subtle one, read between the lines with quiet undertones.  they probably weren’t extremely close before erica’s death, though obviously amicable and friendly.  erica would’ve been the glue sticking these two together.  her loss would have driven them even closer, if only to see the remnants of a beautiful girl in the eyes of someone who’d known her just the same.  boyd and isaac wouldn’t have spoken a lot, but friendships don’t always need to be spoken to develop into something strong – someone to lean on.

the thing about boyd’s death is, it doesn’t really shock isaac.  it hurts him, obviously, but it also could be seen coming from a mile away.  all the threats.  the looming alpha pack.  boyd’s survivor’s guilt.  isaac sharing of it.

when boyd tells derek it’s okay, isaac gets it.  it’s clearly far from okay, but he gets it.  they’ve both watched the guilt of erica’s loss eat their alpha alive.  it’s a final, selfless act to vindicate him of any guilt.

it messes isaac up.  there’s a pattern in his life, see.  everyone he gets close to dies.  maybe he’s the catalyst.  maybe it isn’t derek’s fault.  maybe it’s his.

‘think she’s watching over us, annoyed that we haven’t ran?’‘probably. guess we’ll find out someday.’

╰ ⟨ RE: ALLISON ARGENT ⟩

this is where it gets really messy.  so you like a girl that almost killed you violently, using ring daggers.  a girl that’s also your new alpha’s ex girlfriend.  a girl that probably could never really like you back, but hey, you go for it anyway, because what’s life without a little bit of risk?

there’s probably an underlying part of isaac that genuinely believes someone like allison couldn’t die.  she’s terrifying, capable, strong in ways he’s only dreamt of becoming, and very talented with weaponry -- distance based weaponry.  isaac gets involved, because how couldn’t he when he can hear the way her heartbeat speeds up whenever he gets too close, or see the way she flushes along her throat when he says something risky.

it all works out, in the end.  it pays off.  they agree there’s something between them -- something that’s building, a culmination of thoughts and feelings, ready to bloom into something new.  they agree to explore that.

and then allison dies.  the real kicker here is, he genuinely thought he’d be the one that dies.  he was so ready for it, with the familiar feeling of knives against his skin.  but allison wasn’t having that.

she died saving his life.  she died, because she was too distracted by taking care of him to take care of herself.  

her death is absolute confirmation.  his suspicions have now become fact.  isaac lahey is a death curse.  he’ll never let anyone get this close to him ever again.

he ruined scott’s life -- the loss of his soulmate, confessing her love in her dying breath -- simply because he couldn’t take care of himself, and cursed a girl to die a death that should’ve been his.

‘try not to crash.’‘yeah, been there, done that.’

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