#:: but also he just doesn't due to the self - loathing . i swear when he yells at tanjiro in their first meeting that means so much to me

[distrxst]

"be honest... Why do you say you're not worthy of being a Hashira? Even though you're so strong?"

his breathe caught in his throat at the question , one he was bound to answer with honesty . and for the slayer to call him strong . how there could've been someone much stronger who stood in his place . how there could've been joy in place of his life . he shook his head , breathing hard through his nose as he looked at him . the kid had been asking for long enough , so maybe his persistence deserved an answer .

" you really want to know .. ? " they asked , eyebrow raised , but they knew the answer . it was a question he had pestered him with many a time , now . he sighed loudly , unable to beat around the bush . " i shouldn't be alive right now . "

" my whole life .. everybody i've been close with , has made sacrifices for my life .. big and small .. first my sister , and then my best friend .. " he quietly gestured to each side of his mismatched haori , grimacing before continuing . " they had done so much for me , and i had never done anything in return . except simply dragging them down . they died because of my weakness . "

they didn't want to get into the grit of it , so they kept it simple . " my sister had died the night before her wedding , killed by a demon - all so it wouldn't find me . "

" my friend .. he was strong .. when i had got injured in final selection he stuck me with some of the others there , and gone off to kill every demon there . everyone survived final selection that year , save for him .. if i hadn't been such a dead weight , maybe he would've made it , kid . you probably would've liked him .. "

he sighed , eyes set on the floor as he scowled quietly . he hadn't spoke of this to anyone in years , and honestly he couldn't tell if the overwhelming feeling he had was regret or relief .

" i didn't even pass final selection . the only reason i'm alive is because people made sacrifices for me to be alive .. that isn't a real hashira . that's just a weakling . "

" i know you've been asking for ages . sorry if the answer is disappointing , but it's the truth . "