#/but i didn't think ppl wld actually ask that one

[lunalovegood00]

The Rise of Phoenixes

Ep1: I'm craving to watch a drama so I found this one. Myb it was a new one coz I really didn't know about it. It's not FL character led drama, more like ML then FL. So far I don't see FL yet. The cinematography was really beautiful and had that good drama quality vibes. Lots of familiar faces of actors I've seen before in the court. At least the Emperor self-aware that his court was controlled by others.

Ohhh so ML, Prince Chu or Ning Yi, pretended to hv bad relationship with Minister Xin Ziyan while in fact they worked together in secret. Wait... That actor who played Ning Qiao, I've seen him before in another drama. Okay FL had appeared so she was the niece of that Commander Qiu and was asked to disguise as the bride.

Ep2: the audacity of FL brother. It was weird that he can behave that way but her mom was strict on FL more. Seldom we got to see ML with long hair undone. Usually the hairstyle was always up or it was the hair down style. Omg ML and FL met at last, that was interesting way to meet. I just don't get why she had to act sneakily in the open space of the house.... Like didn't ppl gonna see she acted like that?? So we still didn't see the real Qiu Yuluo. She must be a villainess based on what ML personal man said.

Ep3: omg idk how to call her bravery or her audacity to try that in Prince Chu house. I never never saw ML in historical drama with his hair down all the time, I mean it made sense that he wld be casual in his inner yard so... I get it. He was right to lock her up skskskks coz he got business to handle with those three princes coming to his banquet. I just don't get why didn't he try to knock her out with sleeping pills or something and hide her in some room. I like their conversation, the way ML was so laid back that he didn't mind FL tried to intimidate him. Oh wow so that was the backstory but her mother was wrong coz it was actually the crown prince who killed her husband, FL father. Not ML aka Prince Chu. Hmm it is obvious that somehow both of them will marry each other..... the question is how the circumstances led them to marry?

Ep4: that autotune sound effect really threw me off coz whaaat???? It was at the the divination ppl got called part. Pehhh! It was decreed that her daughter got married, she was unhappy and then when it got cancelled she was also unsatisfied... I don't get it at all. That crown prince was so abusive and that was going to be the next emperor??? Just want to say Prince Yan/Ning Sheng was so handsome and I like his robe. How can he the second brother, looks much younger than Prince Zhao/Ning Yan??

Ep5: it was easy to deduce that it had something related Prince Zhao (unintentionally) if ML investigated the canal repair project by him. What was the head accessory ML wear during his meeting with Commander Gu and Prince?? I don't think I encounter it before...

Ep6: I think now I get it. When Yuhua mentioned about how Feng Hao and Zhiwei didn't look alike, I get it so my theory is, Qiu Mingying was the wife of Commander Gu Yan but she also took in Zhiwei, her niece which was daughter of Gu Yeng that died along side Dacheng orphan. Wait... The Dacheng orphan was a girl or what??? Or was Zhiwei the daughter of previous ruler?? This Yuhua concubine was stupid and can cause a lot of trouble. OK so I was mistaken, she was the widow of Gu Heng.

Ep7: I think FL/Feng Zhiwei started to notice ML/Prince Chu after she bulldozed into his house and even got a dress from him. Like ML or Ning Cheng said, the dog asked for a reward from its master. Fk now I got to see that bratty spoiled Qiu Yuluo. Skskskskks even ML got shocked first time seeing the real Qiu Yuluo. The disgust on Ning Cheng face sksksks. Well it was kind of naive for FL to approach the Golden Feather soldiers just like that. I mean, she didn't know anything that was why she did that I guess. She only thought this was about Yuhua murder???

Ep8: did Commander Gu really think ML killed his brother?? Or was he blaming that bcs of ML, crown prince killed Gu Heng?? ML still like FL even after knowing the truth... Unfortunately, FL can't marry him bcs of her oath to her mother. So the age gap was like 8 years, she was 18 and he was 26 y.o. I guess I hv to suffer seeing FL brashly tried to fight her way out and thinking easily she cld try to save her mom and brother. Myb she wasn't only the one to blame, ML shldve explained it to her what was going on. Five guys guarding so she can't go out skskskkskskw. Omg it increased to six. Thank fkg goodness that Ning Cheng used the code word civet cat to talk about Zhiwei, at least CP thought ML was frivolous to care about cat in this time.

Ep9: will their plan to misled CP work?? That was so sad. Her mom had to do that to save their family and Zhiwei's reputation was ruined anyway bcs she admitted she killed Yuhua, to protect her mom. So her oath... She can bypass it if she switched her identity. Why she had to cause trouble again omg????. That new umm dress was not that pretty. Minister Xin needs to be very careful coz Commander Chang seems to figure it out every time that some things that happened to CP was "fishy". The way he was flustered every time they talked about Ning Yi can give the game away too. Ughhh. I think FL was too proud to really work at Lanxiang Court and she can't blend in.

Ep10: FL really loves trouble isn't she?. Gonna be hard to watch. I was here holding my breath! She was lucky none of the princes notice her being unsatisfied when they insulted Ning Yi!! She really thought she aboves it all huh. Even Zhuyin had to control her. Gadd she was so annoying.

Ep11: Can't she find another name that wasn't so obvious that it contains her real name?? Goodness. She really thought her stupid STUPID brother cld keep a secret of her existence?? Luckily she was smart enough to ask Zhuyin and not take action by herself.

Ep12: how she was crafty enough to disguise as palace servant?? C-drama logic. Omg that ring was meant for ML but ML gifted this to Eunuch Zhao.... And the one affected by this was the Emperor. Dang. Prince Yan was not a good person too, sure, but he wasn't an idiot like Prince Zhao.

Ep13: she was such a loser. You know that you courted death but you didn't want to follow what ML said. Skskksksksksjs idiot prince Zhao. All this time, FL was lucky that there were ppl protecting her.

Ep14: hmm Prince Yan definitely clever to figure out what was going on. I wonder... do this Gu Nanyin was actually the real twin of FL/Zhiwei?? Dang it was hard to convince that idiotic Prince Zhao.

Ep15: I don't think Minister Xin will live long.... And don't think that emperor disguises as sorcerer plan wld go that well. Omg that was sooo surprising. Ahhhh I predicted that it wldn't be that well and I didn't realise it cld be that bad. FUCKKKKKKKK. Well at least the emperor cld deduce that CP was behind the set up for Ning Qiao years ago. So there was another girl like FL too admitted at Qingming Academy. Yucks that girl really behave like a noble girl (derogatory). Pehhh! Ptooih!! A princess behaves exactly just like that.

[throwingupmyemotions]

mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.

[newfound-selfship-archived]

lemme get uhhhh ancient basin & royal waterways for kazuma

thank you for askinggg i care you anon <33

also if anyone else wants to send one the game is a little buried on my blog now so follow this link to get to the ask game

ancient basin - if you and your f/o could live in your dream home for the rest of your lives, what would it be like?

ohhh this is interesting to think about- it’d definitely be on the larger side. not too ridiculously big, but enough that we each have our own space and that it’s a decent bit of room. i want to spend time with him, don’t get me wrong, i just do a lot of things!! like art and music obviously but i’m also getting into a new, very hands-on hobby as we speak LOL

i also am very bad at decorating in terms of “i get overwhelmed the more decoratable space there is” so kazuma would probably be in charge of aesthetics. it’d definitely have more of his vibes! for some reason i picture a warmer, red-focused aesthetic. perhaps it’s because of his headband dshsdghs

royal waterways - when one of you is feeling icky or bad, how does the other help?

oh this !!!! he’s big on words of affection, and he has SUCH a way with words- so if i’m ever feeling bad he usually knows what to say! if nothing he says helps, he’s okay with just sitting with me and letting the feeling pass, bc sometimes it’s just something that needs to be sat through.

if he’s ever not feeling too hot though? i’m not too good with my words a lot of the time, unless i rehearse or backspace a thousand times, i’m much better with physical affection and lighthearted (or not, depending on how serious) threats of beating up whatever caused the bad feeling. i try to say things and sometimes i hit the nail on the head, but overall i’m much better at snuggling up to him and letting him talk at me!

gods i don’t talk abt kazuma enough, he is super sweet tho and i’m real glad i got to talk abt him for this !!! 

[noxtivagus]

WOAH

[enfant--terrible]

So as far as my John Wilmot article, what I'm hoping to do is give an overview of his life and then talk about the reasons why I find him interesting. As well as just generally avoiding misrepresenting him, I don't want to end up reading about some life event on Wikipedia and repeating it in my article only to find out that it didn't really happen. Can you think of any things that he's said to have done or that are said to have happened to him that just aren't true? Sorry if I'm not very clear

ok COOL ill jst list some random things as they come to me

all the evidence we have suggests he was v quiet & studious as a child

ok dont quote me on this bc there is no way of proving it bt personally i think he was sexually abused while at oxford. robert whitehall, dude who took him under his wing, is just…..so dodgy-seeming honestly? &he - rochester - was 14 at this point. and probably quite strikingly pretty. aaaannnd hypersexuality is SUPER COMMON in victims of sexual trauma? (- i have like 50bn more reasons y i think this happened bt seen as this point is kind of an aside will leave it there)

OK SO U KNO THE THING WHERE HE “KIDNAPPED” ELIZABETH MALET 2 TRY N ELOPE W HER?? THAT WASNT JUST HIM BEIN A RECKLESS FUCK LIKE THAT WAS ACTUALLY A THING PPL DID (again also - i cant prove this bt i wld BET ACTUAL MONEY elizabeth suggested it to him/hinted she wld go along with it. she wanted a guy who was PASSIONATE n ready 2 RISK SHIT 4 HER and she def suggested it to one of her other suitors….n then when he was like “…wtf i cant do that??” she was like “….k bye lol”

HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE NAVY AND THE SHEER FUCKING CARNAGE THAT WAS THE NAVAL BATTLES HE WITNESSED IS SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT IN UNDERSTANDING HIM like it really just - stayed with him always, as he says 2 Burnet (-again, cant prove this, but i am SURE he had some form of PTSD)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEE CAN U TALK ABT HIS ALCOHOLISM & SEX ADDICTION AS WHAT THEY WERE - ADDICTIONS (and also like - im sure u wld not do this but - being an addict does NOT mean u hav bad moral character it is a fucking ILLNESS and literally NO biographies do that justice)

so u kno that time he “”accidentally”” gave charles on the isle of greate britaine when he “”meant”” 2 give him another poem??? THAT WASNT AN ACCIDENT LMFAO like he mite hav been wasted (hint: he was) bt he MEANT 2 GIV CHARLES THAT POEM

ok so u kno when mulgrave challenged him 2 a duel?? that FUCKER DELIBERATELY CHALLENGED HIM WHEN ROCHESTER HAD JUST COME OUT OF MERCURY TREATMENT. HIS MUSCLES WERE SO ATROPHIED HE CLD BARELY STAND UP LET ALONE FIGHT BT MULGRAVE WAS A TWAT SO HE SET IT UP TO PUT ROCHESTER AT THIS MASSIVE DISADVANTAGE N THEN MADE OUT WAS A MASSIVE FUCKIN COWARD (…admittedly rochester may hav also been drinking b4 the duel but. STILL)

PLS TALK ABT THE TIME HE SMASHED THE WHITEHALL SUNDIAL OBVS

AND SNATCHED A KISS FRM BARBARA VILLIERS THAT ONE TIME AND GOT BACKHANDED FOR IT SO HARD HE FELL OVER N THEN HE JST LAY ON THE FLOOR N EXTEMPORISED A COUPLET ABT HOW HOT THAT WAS (hint: he was pissed)

AND GOT HIS SHIPMENT OF DILDOS CONFISCATED

AND BUTTERED A TREE (hint: he was pissed)

AND RAN AWAY TO RUN AN INN W BUCKINGHAM N THEN CROSSDRESSED 2 SEDUCE THAT ONE HOT GIRL N THEN THEY BOTH SLEPT W HER BC THAT’S A STRAIGHT THING THAT STRAIGHT GUY’S DO RITE

..relatedly PLS mention HE WAS BI ASF (and gay for like. SOOOO MANY PEOPLE #godbless)

AND JUST GENERALLY QUEER AND AN ACTUAL FUCKING FEMINIST (-not trying to deny he cld & did lapse into misogyny but he TRIED 2 fucking NOT DO THAT)

THERE R SO MANY FICTIONAL CHARS BASED OFF HIM - dorimant in The Man of Mode (Medley is Charles Sedley - note they r GAY AF w one another lmfao); don john in shadwell’s The Libertine; Wilmore in Aphra Behn’s The Rover; both Rosidore AND Nemours in Lee’s The Princess Of Cleve

THE MOST ACCURATE THO IS JOHNSON IN BUCKINGHAM’S THE REHEARSAL. DAT HIM

imo he probably DID get those ppl to beat up dryden in an alley that one time (like it cld of been the Duchess of Portsmouth and loads of rochester scholar try 2 blame her bt for reasons i wont unpack rn -ask if u want more info - but i am like. 90% sure it was him)

OK THIS WAS LITERALLY JST STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS YELLING bt i can add more in a bit