#/but i didn't think ppl wld actually ask that one

[throwingupmyemotions]

mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.

[newfound-selfship-archived]

lemme get uhhhh ancient basin & royal waterways for kazuma

thank you for askinggg i care you anon <33

also if anyone else wants to send one the game is a little buried on my blog now so follow this link to get to the ask game

ancient basin - if you and your f/o could live in your dream home for the rest of your lives, what would it be like?

ohhh this is interesting to think about- it’d definitely be on the larger side. not too ridiculously big, but enough that we each have our own space and that it’s a decent bit of room. i want to spend time with him, don’t get me wrong, i just do a lot of things!! like art and music obviously but i’m also getting into a new, very hands-on hobby as we speak LOL

i also am very bad at decorating in terms of “i get overwhelmed the more decoratable space there is” so kazuma would probably be in charge of aesthetics. it’d definitely have more of his vibes! for some reason i picture a warmer, red-focused aesthetic. perhaps it’s because of his headband dshsdghs

royal waterways - when one of you is feeling icky or bad, how does the other help?

oh this !!!! he’s big on words of affection, and he has SUCH a way with words- so if i’m ever feeling bad he usually knows what to say! if nothing he says helps, he’s okay with just sitting with me and letting the feeling pass, bc sometimes it’s just something that needs to be sat through.

if he’s ever not feeling too hot though? i’m not too good with my words a lot of the time, unless i rehearse or backspace a thousand times, i’m much better with physical affection and lighthearted (or not, depending on how serious) threats of beating up whatever caused the bad feeling. i try to say things and sometimes i hit the nail on the head, but overall i’m much better at snuggling up to him and letting him talk at me!

gods i don’t talk abt kazuma enough, he is super sweet tho and i’m real glad i got to talk abt him for this !!! 

[noxtivagus]

WOAH

[enfant--terrible]

So as far as my John Wilmot article, what I'm hoping to do is give an overview of his life and then talk about the reasons why I find him interesting. As well as just generally avoiding misrepresenting him, I don't want to end up reading about some life event on Wikipedia and repeating it in my article only to find out that it didn't really happen. Can you think of any things that he's said to have done or that are said to have happened to him that just aren't true? Sorry if I'm not very clear

ok COOL ill jst list some random things as they come to me

all the evidence we have suggests he was v quiet & studious as a child

ok dont quote me on this bc there is no way of proving it bt personally i think he was sexually abused while at oxford. robert whitehall, dude who took him under his wing, is just…..so dodgy-seeming honestly? &he - rochester - was 14 at this point. and probably quite strikingly pretty. aaaannnd hypersexuality is SUPER COMMON in victims of sexual trauma? (- i have like 50bn more reasons y i think this happened bt seen as this point is kind of an aside will leave it there)

OK SO U KNO THE THING WHERE HE “KIDNAPPED” ELIZABETH MALET 2 TRY N ELOPE W HER?? THAT WASNT JUST HIM BEIN A RECKLESS FUCK LIKE THAT WAS ACTUALLY A THING PPL DID (again also - i cant prove this bt i wld BET ACTUAL MONEY elizabeth suggested it to him/hinted she wld go along with it. she wanted a guy who was PASSIONATE n ready 2 RISK SHIT 4 HER and she def suggested it to one of her other suitors….n then when he was like “…wtf i cant do that??” she was like “….k bye lol”

HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE NAVY AND THE SHEER FUCKING CARNAGE THAT WAS THE NAVAL BATTLES HE WITNESSED IS SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT IN UNDERSTANDING HIM like it really just - stayed with him always, as he says 2 Burnet (-again, cant prove this, but i am SURE he had some form of PTSD)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEE CAN U TALK ABT HIS ALCOHOLISM & SEX ADDICTION AS WHAT THEY WERE - ADDICTIONS (and also like - im sure u wld not do this but - being an addict does NOT mean u hav bad moral character it is a fucking ILLNESS and literally NO biographies do that justice)

so u kno that time he “”accidentally”” gave charles on the isle of greate britaine when he “”meant”” 2 give him another poem??? THAT WASNT AN ACCIDENT LMFAO like he mite hav been wasted (hint: he was) bt he MEANT 2 GIV CHARLES THAT POEM

ok so u kno when mulgrave challenged him 2 a duel?? that FUCKER DELIBERATELY CHALLENGED HIM WHEN ROCHESTER HAD JUST COME OUT OF MERCURY TREATMENT. HIS MUSCLES WERE SO ATROPHIED HE CLD BARELY STAND UP LET ALONE FIGHT BT MULGRAVE WAS A TWAT SO HE SET IT UP TO PUT ROCHESTER AT THIS MASSIVE DISADVANTAGE N THEN MADE OUT WAS A MASSIVE FUCKIN COWARD (…admittedly rochester may hav also been drinking b4 the duel but. STILL)

PLS TALK ABT THE TIME HE SMASHED THE WHITEHALL SUNDIAL OBVS

AND SNATCHED A KISS FRM BARBARA VILLIERS THAT ONE TIME AND GOT BACKHANDED FOR IT SO HARD HE FELL OVER N THEN HE JST LAY ON THE FLOOR N EXTEMPORISED A COUPLET ABT HOW HOT THAT WAS (hint: he was pissed)

AND GOT HIS SHIPMENT OF DILDOS CONFISCATED

AND BUTTERED A TREE (hint: he was pissed)

AND RAN AWAY TO RUN AN INN W BUCKINGHAM N THEN CROSSDRESSED 2 SEDUCE THAT ONE HOT GIRL N THEN THEY BOTH SLEPT W HER BC THAT’S A STRAIGHT THING THAT STRAIGHT GUY’S DO RITE

..relatedly PLS mention HE WAS BI ASF (and gay for like. SOOOO MANY PEOPLE #godbless)

AND JUST GENERALLY QUEER AND AN ACTUAL FUCKING FEMINIST (-not trying to deny he cld & did lapse into misogyny but he TRIED 2 fucking NOT DO THAT)

THERE R SO MANY FICTIONAL CHARS BASED OFF HIM - dorimant in The Man of Mode (Medley is Charles Sedley - note they r GAY AF w one another lmfao); don john in shadwell’s The Libertine; Wilmore in Aphra Behn’s The Rover; both Rosidore AND Nemours in Lee’s The Princess Of Cleve

THE MOST ACCURATE THO IS JOHNSON IN BUCKINGHAM’S THE REHEARSAL. DAT HIM

imo he probably DID get those ppl to beat up dryden in an alley that one time (like it cld of been the Duchess of Portsmouth and loads of rochester scholar try 2 blame her bt for reasons i wont unpack rn -ask if u want more info - but i am like. 90% sure it was him)

OK THIS WAS LITERALLY JST STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS YELLING bt i can add more in a bit