#//ooc meant to write after the line about Helpman that dundy thinks he's sweet n wouldn't mind trying again but I forgot 😭 pretend I didnt!

[lieut-dundy-le-vesconte]

if you cant sleep, scrawl some shit down by lantern light and maybe you'll feel better

//ooc transcription under the cut

Dec. 21, 1846

Solstice, tho it doesn’t matter much. Georgie dearest my Geo. my bf now. And secret admirer not Lt. Little as suspected but an EJ Helpman who cannot fuck for the life of him but he had the audacity to ask after me as bedfellow. John (Irving) now confessing he’s his undying love to me; something in his mind about wanting to leave this Earth. I get it, we all do. Hope he will not leave; I love him so. Felt today (or was it yesterday?) he may have wanted to kiss me; know that he is happy and healthy w/ Mr. … Dr? Goodsir and do not want a repeat of all matter of issues currently being dealt w/. Almost lost dearest Geo.; were it not for my honesty in admitting how dear he is to me; may have lost him, tho on him to stay w/ me as well and not deny me when my truths had been revealed. Tho I will admit; I would definitely not have minded kissing John as he is a pretty sort, and kind, and anything to give him happiness and pleasure is on my mind. He is taken and so am I but I cannot help my mind from wandering and do wonder what kind of sounds he would make and how he would taste and feel, his hands on my skin, his eyes looking into mine… Terrible of me consider; I’d so hate to be the cause of such unhappiness. Jopson and dear Franc Cap. Crozier have broken up, most likely due to Cap.’s kindness in taking me in and comforting me. I so dearly love him for it; but I hate to have caused such trouble (tho I feel it’s a long time coming since they are both men who tend to doubt themselves (I think.) I will Jop. has come to Erebus, I will try and talk w/ him soon. Hope things will be fixed, hate to see them both so low and it is a danger to us all to have a Captain who is depressed and suicidal.

But I understand. It is terrifying to be loved. I’m so sure someday I might lose those I love. They can love me all they want and I them, but I am still unused to it, still fear I can’t trust them, there may still be some catch. I must… test them. To ensure the bonds are strong. To ensure they stay unlike Jam Fitzjamie, unlike Margareta, unlike all those who upon seeing what ugliness I am made of finally decided to leave me behind. Once these bonds are tested and their strength ensured, then I’ll know that they’ll stay. That Then I’ll know how strong and real and true their love truly is.

—HTDLeV.

I continue. Have I mentioned how much I love dearest Georgie? B/c I do. He’s beautiful and kind and so sweet and so lovely w/ me. And soft and I can’t get the blue of his eyes out of my mind and the soft curls that frame his face and his long fingers and the smell of him. I did not know I could love a man so much. Truly I am most obsessed w/ him and hope we have many many good years together, that we’ll leave here, that I will be able to remain by his side forever. I love you so fucking much it hurts. My most dearest and most beloved Georgie. Stay w/ me, please. Never leave. I love you, I really really love you forever and ever and ever fuck me. Maybe you’ll I’d hope you think the same. (tho I think I know you do).

—Love you always, <333 Henry.