#//lmao august's just about ready to bust some heads together xD

[honorhearted]

"Rebellious?" Benjamin echoed, smiling. "Believe me, sir: I don't think you'll ever have to worry about that. If Emma thinks something's for the greater good, she'll do it." Whether he liked it or not.

Despite the pain snagging throughout his heart like reckless, tiny little claws, he maintained his smile, if only because August was as well. It seemed both had become adept at grinning through Emma's exploits, regardless of whether or not they felt the joy they wished to express.

Quickly, that smile fell once August revealed to him what Benjamin already suspected: "You need to understand... what she did today, that's how she lives all the time. She may not have had a chance to do so here at your camp, she had to help in more ordinary ways, but back home... she will stay a few weeks at the castle and then she's out... battling."

"I imagined as much," Benjamin softly offered. "You can't have a heart like Emma's, and then just sit back and do nothing. Her goodness...it's far more than we deserve."

August spared him an admonishing look. "But be mad," he encouraged. "Let yourself be mad at her. Here, now, with me. So you are not mad at her in there later. Your anger would just make her cry, and no one wants that. I'll be mad."

Benjamin stiffened, his spine growing painfully straight. "I couldn't be mad at her now," he insisted. "Am I frustrated? Yes, absolutely. But how can I be mad when she nearly...? W-when I almost lost...?" Rolling his lips inward, he swallowed back the words and quickly looked away, his head shaking as if trying to cast out the very image. "August, the fact remains that she saved Sackett's life. He is a mentor and a friend, and I'd be an absolute arsehole, were I to tear into her for doing a good thing. I just...I wish she didn't have to keep hurting herself in the process."

A coldness suddenly took over, stark and simmering like the brush of cooling ash over a fire. "I know you two were sharing a bed," August snapped. "I wish I didn't, but she can't lie and it's obvious you two were in some sort of courting situation when we arrived."

Benjamin gaped at him, stunned by something so private suddenly being plastered all over a near-stranger's face. "But...sh-she and I..."

"Look, I'm not blind," he cut in. "And it's not as if I didn't see her struggling like a romantic heroine in a tragedy for the past few days, as dramatic as only a brokenhearted moron like her could be. I also have no doubt it's her fault, because I have seen the way you two are around each other, and she must have gotten scared and pushed you away, but let's not pretend she's not here for you and there is nothing platonic about it."

Stung, Benjamin was quick to look away again. "I asked her if she could ever feel something for me...and she said no," he insisted. "Or rather, she didn't seem to think she could. I may hold her in the highest of esteem, sir, but it would be a cruelty, were I to force what clearly makes her uncomfortable. I never wanted...I-I only wish..." Frustrated, he curled his hands at his sides. "I've always said that seeking affection in war is a fool's errand, and therefore I wouldn't do it, but you know Emma." He flashed a feeble smile. "To know her is to love her. I was helpless but to become ensnared."

August still seemed sympathetic. "She's afraid of commitment, but she still has feelings. As you do," he accused. "Every single time she rejected someone in her life she's given them a speech that pretty much goes: I don't love you, I'll never love you, you are not my type, nothing you can do will change that. Is that what she said to you?"

Benjamin's head snapped up, no longer able to pretend the other man's words held no meaning. "You dare to give me hope?" he asked. Voice weak, he shakily pressed on, "Sir, it is not a kindness to force me to review that day again...to force me to bare my heart and potentially have it shorn apart as before. Because no, she did not say those exact words -- she was unable to say much at all, in fact: only the simple refrain of 'I can't.'" His eyes grew wet. "I'd never seen her in so much pain in all my life, and I have no desire to put her through that again...so I won't. Because I swore I wouldn't. I may have feelings for her, sir, but it's that affection that's keeping me from dredging up what clearly served to wound rather than mollify."

"She...she only went there because I requested it.

August didn't know whether to laugh or cry, having heard the same sentiment when it came to Emma dozens of times, and having felt the same before. "Yes, you are right, Emma is well-known to stay out of trouble and to need a push before jumping into danger. And she definitely follows orders and requests against her own will and best judgment. I hope some day she'll grow a spine and become somewhat rebellious." There was a light smile on his lips, even as his eyes burned - affection for Emma, of course, and hatred for the fact that she must be in pain now. "She cares about Sackett, she'd have been there anyway, not your fault, and at least you knew where to look. We don't always get that lucky, as she unfortunately forgets to share her little missions with us."

Doesn't she know the people who love her are getting hurt with her reckless, senseless ambition?

"No." it was a very simple answer, but then he corrected himself, "She knows, more or less, but... the problem is... it's not ambition. If it were, she'd... push it down for us. I don't know if you've noticed this, if you had the chance, but I can promise you that even today, if she wakes and she's strong enough to get up, she'll try. And there will be no amount of telling her she needs to rest that will work, but... telling her that she's making us worry to the point we might not sleep at night, that'll put her back in bed. She'd do anything for us. But like I said, it's not ambition. It's pure instinct. It's her. She will be protecting, fighting, taking care... long before she needs to think about it. Must be hard for her too, to be all heart, no self-preservation. Harder for us, though." A lot harder, when they were so useless in the face of her wounds.

"You need to understand... what she did today, that's how she lives all the time. She may not have had a chance to do so here at your camp, she had to help in more ordinary ways, but back home... she will stay a few weeks at the castle and then she's out... battling. She only gets hurt when she's physically protecting someone who's there, ironically, she's terrible at preserving her life if there is another person to protect, But when off on her own she's unstoppable. I hope your war will end soon, but hers won't until she lets it. She's been at it since she was nineteen... I actually considered studying medicine, but if I went with her every time to be a medic, she'd have been killed long ago protecting me." Little crazy warrior, completely unable to control herself when she saw someone in danger. But it wasn't the case now, no, he knew damn well the kind of week she had been having, and how weak she must have been despite deciding it was a great idea to keep guard on Sackett all by herself.

"But be mad," he nodded, "Let yourself be mad at her. Here, now, with me. So you are not mad at her in there later. Your anger would just make her cry, and no one wants that. I'll be mad." Despite at times wanting to kill this man simply because once again he had to watch Emma's reddened, puffy eyes and pretend not to know she had been crying over him, he also felt his deepest sympathy for him.

Then Benjamin pointed out that she cared for everyone there and that was the reason she stayed, and that sympathy faded quite a bit. "I know you two were sharing a bed. I wish I didn't, but she can't lie and it's obvious you two were in some sort of courting situation when we arrived." He couldn't have sounded more judgy. "Look, I'm not blind. And it's not as if I didn't see her struggling like a romantic heroine in a tragedy for the past few days, as dramatic as only a brokenhearted moron like her could be. I also have no doubt it's her fault, because I have seen the way you two are around each other, and she must have gotten scared and pushed you away, but let's not pretend she's not here for you and there is nothing platonic about it. She's afraid of commitment, but she still has feelings. As you do. Every single time she rejected someone in her life she's given them a speech that pretty much goes: I don't love you, I'll never love you, you are not my type, nothing you can do will change that. Is that what she said to you?" Nothing in Benjamin's words now nor in his general behavior had pointed at such response from Emma, despite Emma having told him that 'she had ruined everything', whatever that meant, so for once, just once, August had all reasons to think she had finally found someone, which had promptly scared her to death. And now the other idiot in question was apparently also determined to refer to it as a friendship, more or less, and that meant Emma going home soon and going back to this exact sort of violent, bloody life, instead of finally finding some happiness to focus on. He'll be damned if he let it happen without trying to help her.