#//he's also pushing off a minor existential crisis :)

[wonderingprince]

Ganymede's opinion probably shouldn't matter to him as much as it suddenly seems to---- he might be a god but it's not like the afterlife and reincarnations are anything to do with him. But this little conversation is quickly becoming the longest he's ever had with a god, outside of Athena of course. In spite of himself, he's starting to genuinely like Ganymede.

And he's certainly more open than any other god he's ever met. Whether full and comprehensive or not, the answer Telemakhos gets seems brutally honest.

Telemakhos doesn't fully understand of course. How could he? But he remembers every realisation that had come after his memories had fully coalesced.

The lumps of stone in Ithaka that are the only remnants of his home. The museums in Athens that had showcased relics described as ancient that had been created centuries after he had died. A world where they believe him to be a mythological, fictional character. Where even the classics professors don't speak the ancient language quite right.

Telemakhos has faced many disappoints since he woke up, moments that are disconcerting and distressing. He can't imagine having to live through it.

"Can I get you a refill?" he asks, because he's not certain he's ready to let this first link to his past disappear. "Or should you be on your way?" Refills are, of course, Ganymede's job, he thinks, letting the corner of his mouth pull upwards, but he doesn't rescind the offer.

If he stays, he doesn't have to think about everything he's just learned. Doesn't have to start processing that he might not be alone after all. Doesn't have to start deciding where to look first.

Ganymede nods, with a warm little smile on his face. He's genuinely glad for Ben. It can't be an easy needle to thread, keeping hold of what was and so defined you - still does, with all those memories - yet not losing sight of what is, now.

"Both matters. And if you want my opinion, I don't think you would've been reborn alone."

That Telemakhos hadn't been reborn with Odysseus and Penelope in close proximity was perhaps odd, and its own sort of pain for all three of them, undoubtedly. But either way he knew they would've been together in the Underworld, and so there was little doubt in Ganymede's mind that they had gone together, whatever the reason to do so had been. He didn't need to care about these three souls in particular, or know any more of them than he did, to be certain of that.

"Sometimes it wasn't," Ganymede agrees, tapping his lips in thought. "Mostly, closest to the end of the war. But otherwise, it has just been life, and getting to see everything change---"

He pauses, the smile somewhere between genuinely delighted, a light in his eyes for any number of things he'd gotten to see, and pained.

"When no version of my native language was spoken any more, that was one thing that had nothing to do with my family and home that wasn't easy. The same when the culture, even the last, changed and most physically distant versions of it, finally got swallowed up by other civilizations. But everything else, between and after that, hasn't really been hard, at all."

There's no more hot chocolate in the cup. Ganymede realizes that as he takes a thoughtless sip and gets nothing but a faintly chocolate-tasting drop. Smiling wryly for the miss, he puts the cup back down.

[electricbluebutterflies]

JessLeto + lay my armor down

Early-era, PG-ish, also on ao3.

She shouldn’t be doing any of this.

Jessica is perfectly programmed; Jessica is twenty-one and just now figuring out that she has free will and-

She doesn’t want to be alone tonight. There is a body at the other end of the hallway that will accommodate her desires. There is something brutally practical about her decision-making, and at the same time something more-

He could ruin her, she thinks, and she’d let it happen.

She is in no mood for a seduction and makes sure her visual signals are adequate, a day-dress she can sleep comfortably in and hair loose because her counterpart likes that and-

That was the first sign something was going off-course, she reminds herself. She has let herself bloom, slowly cautiously but she still has, and she has adapted-

When she’d been told she might have to do such things, the implications had involved intimacies, not the quieter and less volatile ways she’s actually changed to fit her circumstances, not-

It is late enough for her to want, and early enough that she may be wanted in a different way, and she would allow it as she has allowed so much, and-

She has never been frightened of that man, she reminds herself. Other elements of her circumstances, yes, but never him, never-

She is working on becoming less formal, becoming a reliable woman not any of the colorful descriptions that have been attached to her these past two years, and she steadies herself against the door and she knows she should just let herself in but she is not yet-

All she means to do is ask for warmth, for distraction, for all the things she is meant to provide instead of need for herself. All she means to do is confirm, once and for all, that she is as human and vulnerable as can be and some part of her decided that was safe, not something to cut off before it grows but something to allow and maybe even cultivate and maybe-

Do it now, she thinks. Do it before she bolts and talks herself out of it and spends most of the night curled up under a staircase where no one would ever think to look for her or-

The door makes just enough noise to get her partner’s attention, enough to make him turn to see her, and she does notice the moment of uncertainty before the softness, the near-delight of-

“I did not expect-“

“This is not about you,” she says, not quite making eye contact, not quite sure how to do this, not quite-

“What do you-“

“My mind is not safe right now. I will be… calmer if I have another heartbeat to fixate on.”

Using another person for her own purposes, Jessica reminds herself, is not morally questionable. Her specific choice of person, maybe, but-

She has no one else. She has done nothing to cultivate other options. Not so much as fluttered her eyelashes at anyone else who might become useful to her, not even-

“Whatever you need.”

She will not push this too far, she tells herself, she will not-

It occurs to her that human warmth might be calming, and she moves closer as if to make her intentions clear without asking, as if-

She is having a minor existential crisis, and she is not supposed to feel anything and instead she feels so much and-

“Balance us,” she murmurs. “Whatever you want in return-“

She knows this is not their way, this is not what they have become. There has been no sense that she owes him anything, little if any pressure and positive responses to her stubbornness, somehow this is an ideal pairing for the complicated personality she’s learning she has and-

“Still?”

“I need-“

He takes half a step closer but still does not touch her, still does not-

“You do confuse me sometimes.”

“How so?”

“At least… at least this time you’re not trying to pin me to the nearest wall instead of admitting-“

“You liked that,” she murmurs, almost a laugh, almost-

“You worry me.”

She is well aware by now that this man is unlikely to ever speak of love, but there are other ways to say the same thing and this may be one of them, this may be-

“Not with intent.”

This is enough to get his hands around hers, and she shifts her body closer and it’s getting harder and harder to tell which of them makes which moves when they attempt to entwine and she likes that loss of control, she likes-

This will do, she thinks. She doesn’t ask for much, in the grand scheme of things. Just occasional moments of proximity and adoration, for now. Maybe someday…

She won’t become infamous. She won’t do anything dramatic. She doesn’t have that in her. She doesn’t worry herself.

(Yet.)

She rests her head on her partner’s shoulder, and she is safe like this, and her mind will never be quiet but at least she has more pleasant thoughts right now, and-

“Thank you.”

[ashdumpsterpile]

ASH’S TMA HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF REC LIST 

For the gays. (And @damcrows who’s been dead for the past 24 hours. Rest in peace babe. Read some gay fic. Deny the inevitability of canon. <3)

___

the end, but the start (of all things that are left to do)  by @ajkal2

Jon wakes up.

aka. mag200 tore out my heart

(Very smol, very short, very spoiler. Def recommend for anyone who just finished the podcast.)

remind me how to smile by @tamerofdarkstars

Jon is probably fine, just hiding out somewhere while the whole murder thing blows over and that's... fine. Martin is fine with that explanation. Really. He's got plenty to distract himself - like listening through the entire What the Ghost episode library, for example. Or watching Georgie Barker's Instagram livestreams.

(Yea this was in the last rec list, but you don’t understand THE ADMIRAL GIVES CUDDLES)

Chamomile by Dribbledscribbles

Whatever the ex-tea was, if it really had ever been that last bag of chamomile Martin claimed he’d found tucked in the back of the cupboard, it was fast now.

Martin had tried catching it, chasing it, blocking its way with shoebox lids and plates and an upended footstool, but the thing was just too quick. Jon knew as well as Knew that he might have left off the attempts completely if not for the creature’s preferred game.

The game was, See How Many Times I Can Push Martin Towards Cardiac Arrest Before He Comes at Me with The Broom.

(Scottish Honeymoon Era. Adorable and weird. A vampire gets harassed.)

hey stranger by @ennuijpg

It’s a late night Tesco run, how eventful could it be? It’s not like Martin is going to run into his boss who’s wearing something absurdly different from usual and get the most acute form of whiplash possible from seeing him, right?

(Martin runs into Jon at the grocery store and has an existential crisis.)

roses roses, roses. by @judesstfrancis

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses. 

(Canon enemies to friends to lovers au-ish. Martin POV. Very pining much sweet.)

go softly by doomcountry

And there is nothing else besides this. 

(More hurt/comfort than fluff. Scottish Honeymoon Era. Mild eye mutilation.)

Not Alone by @backofthebookshelf

After the coffin, Daisy and Jon are both fragile. They hold each other up. 

(Post-buried Jon&Daisy starter pack. Very hurt/comfort.)

trust my love by antlsepticeye

“you… you’re real, aren’t you?��� jon whispers, the fog slowly dissipating from his mind. “it is not a trick?”

“i’m here,” martin says softly, reaching up to grab jon’s hand that was resting on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with jon’s and squeezing. he moves jon’s hand to martin’s chest, resting it over his heart. “you’re alright. i’m alright. take your time, love. let’s just take some deep breaths, okay?”

(TOUCHSTARVED JON HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.)

reaching out by Athina_Blaine

By the time things settled, when Martin had finally managed to crack through his cold shell, feel some of his old self returning to him in bits and pieces, they had found their little routine.

One that had the two of them sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast, going to the mart. Where Jon reached for his wrist while they slept, and Martin luxuriated in the gentle warmth of his fingers.  

But not one where Martin reached back. One that had Martin kissing Jon awake or taking his hand over the breakfast table, because ... Martin never had the courage to try. And then it never became a part of the routine.

And Martin desperately wanted it to be.

-

Martin and Jon have an important conversation.

(More Scottish Honeymoon Era for the soul. Hurt/comfort/fluff.)

Belabor by @janekfan​

Jon's given the position of Archivist and is falling apart at the seams. Tim and Sasha are upset and playing games. Elias is overbearing and manipulative.

And poor Martin is stuck cleaning up the mess.

(THEE first fic I ever read for tma. Season 1, hurt/comfort/fluff, and hints of Jmartin. janekfan is the absolute master of seasons 1-3 hurt/comfort. This is my favorite, but pls check out the rest of their fics.)

tea, blankets, and a damnable stubborn attitude by ivelostmyspectacles

“Are you really gonna stay here and pester Jon all evening?”

“I’m not pestering him,” Martin retorted, sounding vehement if not busy going through the cupboards. “I’m heating up soup.”

“Oh, you might as well make him another cup of tea while you’re at it.”

“Oh, good idea.”

Jon shot Tim a withering look.

(The one where Jon is ill, Martin makes tea and they watch doctor who together. Fluff 1000%.)

A Kind Hand by @voiceless-terror

Jonathan Sims was adjusting just fine, thank you very much.

In which a minor workplace spill causes Jon to realize that he might have friends.

(Ah yes, the other master of seasons 1-3 fic aka voiceless-terror being my other fav author in the fandom. This one is also season 1 hurt/comfort/fluff.)

A Weather In The Flesh by @cuttoothed

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

(More touched starved Jon! Much hurt/comfort!)

Something Old, Something New by @cirrus-grey

Months have passed, and everyone is doing better than they were. Daisy and Basira are getting married, Melanie is feeling her old self, Georgie is as much herself as she has ever been, and even Jon has stabilized on his wild fall away from humanity. Everyone is doing better.

Well. Almost everyone.

(Daisy/Barsira wedding! Melanie is a bitch and we love her! Jmartin dance! Post-canon (almost) everyone lives!)

The Weight of Love by @voiceless-terror

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust. 

(The fic where Jon is literally me and Martin attempts to sleep for 1k words.)

The Art of Conversation by @voiceless-terror

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Jon has a complicated relationship with words. Difficulties come and go.

(Jon has adhd and Martin is in love.)

Novelty by @backofthebookshelf

Jon experiences A Sexual Attraction; Martin has A Concern. They figure it out.

(Any fic that explores the ace spectrum is a 10/10. We stan all ace interpretations of jon on this blog.)

Half a Hug by Dathen

I know you weren’t going to hurt me, I trust you, he said again and again. And then a different kind of fear shone through, hollow and echoing: “Please don’t stop touching me."

-

Or: Life is hard when you're touch-starved but have trauma related to your closest friend.  Spoilers through TMA 132.

(Honestly bless every author who saw jon&daisy and was like. They’re siblings. No I will not elaborate.)

the loneliness never left me (but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company) by Athina_Blaine

It was about Martin making Jon feel safe, treasured, and loved. And it had been so, so long since anyone made him feel that way.

And, in the face of it all, Jon was starting to flounder.

(At this point I just need to make separate rec list for Scottish Honeymoon Era.)

you can watch me corrode by scarletfish

"So, how long have you been pulling this shit then?"

"I… excuse me?" Jon’s indignant, certain she can’t mean what he thinks she means.

"When was the last time you ate?"

(Georgie decides Jon and Melanie need a normal day off. Jon learns that he and Melanie have more in common than he thought.)

(Look, Melanie isn’t my favorite person in tma, but she and Jon are like THE SAME PERSON and I adore fics that elaborate on their relationship.)

Out of the Wind, In From the Cold by @ostentenacity

There are two bedrooms in the safehouse, and two beds.

For a moment, Jon considers asking to share, but decides against it with a wince. “I really loved you,” Martin had told him. Loved. Past tense. And Martin doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices right now in terms of company; it would be cruel to demand he play at feelings he no longer has just to make Jon happy.

(For a moment, Martin considers asking to share. But he dismisses the idea with a shake of his head. Jon has already done so much for him. Martin isn’t about to ask for more, especially not when it’s something he doesn’t really need. He has his right mind back, and he has Jon’s friendship. That should be enough for him. It’ll have to be.)

---

Jon thinks that Martin doesn’t love him. Martin thinks that Jon doesn’t love him. They do not, of course, discuss this. Unrequited love is already awkward enough, right? No need to dwell on it.

(THEE SCOTTISH HONEYMOON ERA FIC. IT’S ABOUT THE PINING, BEING MUTUALLY OBLIVIOUS AND FALLING IN LOVE. 10000/10.) 

I Do by @voiceless-terror

“I, um- this was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I swear.” Martin looks down at the dirty bar floor. “I had it all planned out, I-I was going to take you somewhere nice, and then we’d go for a walk in the square- I’ll still do it!” He hurries to explain, as if that’s the most pressing part of this situation. “It’ll be really nice, I’ve already hired a photographer-”

In a fit of protectiveness, Martin proposes to Jon.

(Everyone lives, Martin accidentally proposes and Jon is crying in public.) 

________

[imasimpforshanks]

Hello <3 Can I ask for Angst alphabet with Coby ?~ thanks a lot <3

Angst Alphabet - Coby

a/n: BRUHHHH HIS WAS SO HARD TO DO BC HES SUCH A SWEETIE ����😭😭😭😭💗 regardless, I hope you like it! x

ALSO - please note reader is a civilian and not a marine (but coby is still a marine). It was just easier for me to write it this way !!

A- Accident (would they blame themselves if you died in an accident?)

Coby wouldn’t exactly blame himself, but he would feel really weak. It would be lots of comments about his own worth and capabilities such as: “I’m still too weak” or I’m never going to be strong enough”. (kind of similar to Zoro in that sense).

B-Break up (How would they break up with you?)

He would try to be as honest and as upfront as possible, but he gets really anxious and just starts stumbling over his words ending every sentence with “ya know?”. In the end, he just uses every cliché in the book because he can’t remember or seem to find the ability to say what he really wanted to.

C-Crying (how would they make you cry?)

This dude is far too much of a sweetheart to ever make you cry. If you were to cry because of him, it’d be because of how much time the two of you have to be away from each other. He hates having to leave you because it’s always a lot of tears on both sides.

D-Death (how would they react to your death?)

He would be devasted. Crying in front of anyone and everyone he doesn’t care. Coby would also become really unmotivated and go through a little bit of an existential crisis like “What’s the point of this anymore?” “what am I even doing?”. Eventually he’d remember how much you believed in him, and how much good he could really do in the world – so, he’d keep going. For you.

E-Emotion (what is one emotion they would try to hide the most and how would they do it?)

Honestly, Coby is someone who is extremely open and expressive. He doesn’t (or maybe it’s more accurate to say he can’t) hide his emotions. That’s just not who he is. He expresses openly whatever emotion it is he is feeling.

F-Fight (do you two ever fight? How big are the fights? What do you fight about? Etc.)

He genuinely tries to avoid fighting with you at all costs. Nothing between the two of you ever escalates that far because Coby manages to talk the two of you out of whatever tension has been built.

G-Guilt (what is the biggest thing they feel guilty about?)

It’s not necessarily guilt, but Coby still feels as though he owes Luffy his life. Because of Luffy, Coby was able to become a marine. It’s because of Luffy that Coby continues to work as hard as he does. Most of what has happened in Coby’s life is all thanks to Luffy and because of that, he feels as though he has a debt he can never repay (even though all of this happened because luffy was just being luffy).

H-Heartbreak (what would cause them pain in the relationship? How would they deal during a break-up?)

Having to be away from you for long periods of time (obviously because he’s a marine) is really painful for the both of you. It can but quite a bit of strain on your relationship as long distance isn’t easy.

During a break-up, his mind would be all over the show. At work, he wouldn’t be able to focus properly which would cause many problems for not only himself, but others around him too.

I-Injured (how would they react if you are badly injured?)

Panic mode: activated. All his focus is shifted to you. He forgets about everything around him and is set on trying to get you help. He doesn’t even try to take down whoever, or whatever, caused your injury. You are his one and only priority in that moment.

J-Jealousy (what do they do if they are jealous?)

The sweetheart would feel so nervous. He’d keep to himself and try to avoid you for a while because he can’t stop thinking about how much better off you would be with literally anyone else.

K-Kill (would they kill for revenge?)

Coby is definitely not the type to kill for revenge. He hates all the killing and death that happens in the world. He’s a person who is all about trying to stop the cycle of hatred. so despite the anger, pain and hurt he would be feeling he would put all of that emotion aside, and settle it a different way.

L-Loss (what is their greatest loss?)

During Marineford when marines (and pirates) were dying left and right, Coby was shocked. It was far too much unnecessary death. Witnessing all that death was an emotional overload, but it did lead to one of the most pivotal moments of his life.

M-Mistake (what is the worst mistake they ever made with you?)

Unfortunately, it was something entirely out of his control. But one time he had to leave for a mission with the Marines in the middle of the night. He couldn’t tell you anything about it or why he was leaving. He just had to up and leave.

N-Nightmares (how often do they have them? What are they about? How do they deal with it?)

Sometimes Coby has nightmares about Marineford. The constant voices and cries of agony form an endless loop in his sleep, gradually getting louder and louder until he screams himself awake. After waking up in a panic he manages to calm his breathing. Then, Coby gives himself a pep talk “that is why you’re working so hard. To become strong enough to be fleet admiral so nothing like that will ever happen again.”

O-Outrage (how and why would they get mad at you?)

As with the fights, I don’t think Coby really gets mad at you. Probably over something minor like you ate the last cookie or something. It’s not anger, he just gets pouty until you say you’ll make it up to him.

P-Past (what has happened in your relationship that changed the way you saw each other?)

Having to do your relationship long distance was a pivotal point for the both of you. For most, it can be a deal breaker and it comes with more negatives than positives. But, for the two of you, it was a wake-up call, and, it was the moment you both realized “I can’t live without you, we will make this work”.

Q-Quality (what is their most dangerous/toxic quality?)

I wouldn’t say this is dangerous or toxic idk (???) but ANWAYSSSSS. Coby lacks certainty in his own decisions. He’s not so bad now, but it used to be a lot worse. He second guesses himself too much, which can be the difference between life and death in a high pressure situation.

R-Rejection (how would they react to you rejecting their confession (or the other way around))

Being rejected by you would definitely impact his self-esteem. It’d bring up a lot of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. (PLS DON’T REJECT THIS PRECIOUS BOY).

S-Scars (battle or self-inflicted)

Coby does have a scar on his head. It’s not entirely certain when or where he received this scar, but it’s likely to be from his rough training with Garp.

T-Trust (have they ever broken your trust?)

No, Coby has never broken your trust. In fact, your relationship is held up by the unwavering trust the two of you have in one another. It may seem funny to say that, because trust is a vital element of any relationship, but it’s particularly the case for you two. Being a marine means there’s going to be quite a few things he can’t tell you, but you know he can’t tell you and he really appreciates how much you understand that.

U-Urge (how badly do they want to see you after you guys separated?)

He’s had to learn to cope with not seeing you for long periods of time. But, despite all that practice it’s still unbelievably difficult. When he can, he’ll write you letters to keep you informed about his safety. He won’t ask, but he’d really appreciate if you wrote him back.

V-Vicious (what do they do when they lash out on you?)

I genuinely don’t believe he would lash out at you. He just wouldn’t. Maybe, he’s slammed a few doors, but other than that… (sorry I feel like this one is boring af ugh).

W-Weak (what makes them feel weak how do they try to avoid it?)

Coby always felt weak and incapable in his abilities. Sometimes those feelings resurface. But honestly, he trues to avoid this by remembering how and why he is where he is. He thinks of all the people who have helped him along the way (Luffy, Garp etc.) and it motivates him to push forward.

X-X-ray (what do they hate and show it most obviously?)

He hates needless violence. He understands in some situations violence is necessary, but, then there are some situations (like the end of marineford) where lives are being lost for no reason whatsoever.

Y-Yearn (what is one thing that they want but can’t have?)

He wants nothing more than to openly be BFF’s with Luffy. Given the two different worlds they live in, it’s just never going to happen, despite Luffy being a genuinely good person. (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN TO BE ANGSTY BUT I COULDN’T HELP IT LMFAO)

Z-Zero (what do they do/say in your dying moments?)

Oh boy. There would be endless amounts of tears. Through sniffles and snot, he’d be trying to thank you for everything you’ve done for him, all the love and support you’ve shown him.

[madsthewordclown]

Pancakes | Sokka x Reader Modern AU

warnings: minor language

summary: you’re tired coming home from a trip over break and also freaking out about your feelings for a certain friend of yours. ft. best friend sleepover.

This fic was somewhat inspired by Pancakes for Dinner by Lizzy McAlpine and the rest of my pining playlist. Hope you guys like it! Also I’m sorry the title is not very relevant but I was tired after spending three days trying to pull this together :/ whoops

“Don’t worry, I’m almost home.” You talked just a bit too loudly to make sure your phone picked up the noise.

“Are you on the phone while driving, Y/N?” Sokka asked. He could probably hear the sound of your car on the highway—there were too many bumps on this road.

“It’s on speaker,” you clarified, being careful to keep your eyes on the road. You had been hoping to get home before dark, but the sun setting to your left was not a great indicator. You glanced down at your dashboard clock—only 5:30. You cursed daylight savings time. “I think I might have an hour left?”

“Know your way from there?” Sokka’s voiced cracked in your phone speaker. He sounded like he was chewing something.

“Yeah, I think so. I was just checking in to let you know.” You had been calling and checking in with either Sokka, Zuko or Katara every hour of your drive. Driving for so long made you especially nervous, and you never said anything so not to worry them, but you wanted one of your friends to have a general idea of where you were if anything were to happen. You knew that you were just being paranoid, but the dimming evening light only served to heighten your nerves.

“Drive safe,” Sokka told you. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“I will,” you replied, gulping. You thought of the millions of things you wanted to say to him, but kept your mouth shut. You glanced down to see your phone screen go dark, indicating that Sokka had hung up.

You didn’t tell him how you wished he would stay on the phone to keep you company. You didn’t ask him to see about getting you food for when you finally got home. You most definitely didn’t tell him about the very unhelpful thought that was streaming through your head; I like you, I like you, I like you.

You didn’t know when things had changed between you and Sokka. Your feelings for him had grown into something more than purely platonic, that you couldn’t deny. But you were pretty good at keeping those feelings hidden—in most cases your infatuations would come and go quickly, and you didn’t like to embarrass yourself by acting on an impulse. Even so, you felt like Sokka had been distant lately.

You supposed he had offered to let you stay at his and Zuko’s apartment while you were temporarily kicked out of your dorm for what your college said was a “routine maintenance procedure,” but that might have been more Zuko’s doing. Besides, they had offered the same service to Toph. Toph said that “routine maintenance” was probably code for “getting rid of roaches”.

At least the temporary displacement was over fall break, when lots of students went home. The university did offer other temporary accommodations, but Katara had insisted that the stay at Sokka and Zuko’s would be “the ultimate best-friend sleepover,” and that they’d all spend the night when you got back. As much as you loved your friends, you were happy that you had spent the first half of your break with your parents. You felt like you needed to give Sokka some space, and maybe take some time to let your feelings pass. Unfortunately, they hadn’t, but maybe Sokka would stop acting so distant.

You kept your speed at 5 under the limit as you drove. You felt ridiculous, but somehow your brain could never stop imagining worst-case scenarios; a deer jumping out in front of you, a police chase coming to a violent end over the top of the next hill. It was like a mini-existential crisis every time you were behind the wheel for too long.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you reached the city, the streets once again becoming familiar, illuminated by the streetlamps. The tight feeling in your chest loosened its grip, and you let your hands relax against the wheel.

You hardly believed your luck when you saw the empty space in front of Sokka and Zuko’s building. You quickly parked. Spaces were usually impossible to find. You unbuckled your seatbelt and leaned back with a sigh, relieved to finally be done driving. You had made it, the full 8 hours finally over.

You got out of the car and stretched your legs. Cars weren’t built for tall people, you lamented to yourself as you grabbed your bags out of your backseat, feeling the stiffness in your back as you leaned to grab your things.

Going up the stairs to the third floor was awful, and by the end of it, you wanted nothing more than to lie down. You knocked on the door—they had temporarily offered your spare key to Toph while you were gone—and leaned on the frame while you waited for someone to answer.

“Y/N!” Sokka cried as he opened the door for you. The instant you saw his smile you felt butterflies in your stomach, and the overwhelming urge to just say it—I like you, I like you, I like you—repeated like a mantra in your head.

“Hey, Sokka!” You leaned in to give him a half-hug; it was the best you could do with all of your bags.

“You should’ve called,” Sokka eyed your bags with a frown, “I would’ve helped you bring your stuff in.”

“It’s okay,” you brushed him off, pushing through the door.

“Y/N!” Katara cheered. You could see her sitting on the floor with Aang, leaning back up against the sofa where Zuko and Toph were sprawled out as much as possible. Somehow, Toph managed to take up more space regardless of the height difference. Zuko, Aang, and Toph echoed Katara’s cheer, although Toph did so half-mockingly.

You dropped your bags off by the kitchen table—you’d sort those out later. You just wanted to rest, and you knew you’d have to answer questions about your trip. Suddenly, a smell hit you. “Is something burning?”

“Shit!” Sokka exclaimed suddenly, rushing over to the stove.

“What’s that?” You asked, going to look over his shoulder. It was a bit difficult, as he and Zuko somehow managed to be taller than you. It drove you crazy, as you had been used to being the resident tall-person before you’d met. They loved holding it over your head, both literally and figuratively. (But you most definitely did not have a Napoleon complex. No way.)

“Pancakes,” Sokka answered, carefully flipping two off of the pan. “I figured you’d be hungry.”

“And we wanted pancakes!” Toph yelled from her spot on the couch.

“Make your own damn pancakes!” Sokka yelled back, “I’m giving up.” He turned to where you were standing behind him.

“Here, I’ll take the ones that I burnt, and you can have these other ones.” He held out a plate to you. “I hope four is enough.”

“You really didn’t have to make me food.” But you were so, so happy he did. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were, but now your stomach was being very demanding. You took the plate from him. “Thanks, Sokka.” I like you, I like you, I like you.

“Well, we know Sokka has a favorite,” Toph deadpanned.

“You never make me pancakes, Sokka,” Zuko pouted, sticking out his tongue.

“Shut up,” Sokka replied simply, following you over to claim a spot on the floor next to Katara and Aang, a bottle of syrup in hand.

You and Sokka ate pancakes while your friends asked you about your trip, with a random Mythbusters episode acting as background noise. Yes, your parents were doing great, yes, your hometown was as interesting as ever. The pancakes were delicious, and you felt even more grateful for Sokka’s gesture.

Despite the joy you felt to be reunited with your friends, you couldn’t deny that you were tired. You felt yourself wanting to doze off as you leaned on the couch. You yawned, stretching your arms up. Sokka noticed immediately.

“Hey, you can take my room if you want,” he offered, accurately sensing your exhaustion. You tried in vain to keep your cheeks from reddening—you didn’t think Sokka had noticed, but you were sure Katara did by the look she gave you.

“No, it’s okay,” you reassured him, “all of my bags are in here anyway, and they’re a mess.”

“Here, I’ll move them and get things cleaned up. You need to sleep,” Sokka insisted, proving his insistence by immediately getting up to gather your things. The second he disappeared into his room, Katara turned to you.

“Y/N, I give you my permission to date my brother.”

“Katara!” You blushed. “It’s not like that.”

“Y/N, you’re my best friend and Sokka’s my roommate,” Zuko said, “and I of all people would know that you two have been dancing in circles around each other for months.”

“It’s disgusting,” Toph added, unhelpfully.

“Sokka doesn’t like me like that. He’s been acting weird and avoiding me for weeks,” you reasoned, not bothering to deny your own feelings. It’s not like it mattered.

“He’s not avoiding you today,” Aang mentioned as he leaned on Katara’s shoulder. You supposed you couldn’t deny it, but before you had the chance to respond, Sokka was back.

“I’m sorry if things are still a bit messy, but you can head in and go to bed if you’re tired. I can take the couch.”

“Hey, Snoozles, Zuko and I called dibs,” Toph snapped. “Take the floor.”

“Zuko has a bed here, you know.” Sokka put a hand on his hip.

“Yeah,” Zuko looked up at him from his position on the couch, “but now I’m here, and I’m not moving.” Toph nodded in agreement.

“Then I’ll take Zuko’s room,” Sokka amended.

“Okay, then,” Zuko conceded.

“What?!?” Katara cried indignantly, sitting up straight like a bolt. “You told me I couldn’t!”

“Yeah, because he doesn’t want you and Twinkle-Toes canoodling,” Toph cackled. Katara scoffed.

“We do not canoodle!”

Sokka turned to you as you yawned again. “Get some sleep,” he said. As much as you wanted to refuse, you couldn’t resist the opportunity to finally get some rest. You slowly stood up and walked yourself towards Sokka’s room, and he took your spot on the floor. “Goodnight.”

You took a deep breath when you entered Sokka’s room and switched on the light. You had been in his room once before, when you offered him a ride to a lecture, and he wasn’t awake on time—you had come in and smacked him with one of your notebooks. It was small—Sokka felt bad that Zuko paid most of their rent with his rich-person money and had actually convinced him to go for a cheaper apartment when they had decided to move in together.

You got the vague sense that you needed to shower, but you were too tired to worry about it, and you didn’t want to fish your toiletries out of your stuffed overnight bag. You checked your phone once, and saw you had a text from Katara.

Sokka was paying more attention to you than Mythbusters, Y/N. The MYTHBUSTERS!!!

You rolled your eyes and shot back a quick, “whatever.” And for once, your overwhelming exhaustion drowned out the fluttering feeling in your gut as you climbed into Sokka’s bed. You were asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow.

You could tell when you woke up that it was way too early. You could also tell that you weren’t in your own bed, and then you remembered. Right. Sokka gave you his room. You sat up, pushing the comforter off of you. You had a shaky feeling in your chest, and you knew you’d woken up from a bad dream, but you couldn’t quite remember what it was. You felt like you did when you were driving the night before—jittery, a million thoughts going through your mind all at once.

You decided it might be a good course of action to get a glass of water to help you calm down and relieve the dryness in your throat that further prevented you from going back to sleep. You quietly tip-toed out of Sokka’s bedroom. You noticed multiple papers with sketches and diagrams from his engineering classes scattered about the room, and it gave you a little bit of comfort.

You tried to be as quiet as possible so as not to disturb the others, who were all fast asleep in the living room. You quickly got your glass of water and downed it, not wanting to bring it into Sokka’s room and risk spilling on any of his stuff. You made your way back to his room and crawled back under the covers. No sooner had you pulled the blanket up over yourself did you hear the door open once again.

“Oh.” Sokka’s frame stood in the doorway. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just coming in to get something.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t asleep,” you said, sitting up.

“Oh.” A beat. “Are you okay?”

The tone of his voice made you pause. It was how he’d been talking to you for weeks, save for last night.

“Yeah.” You put a hand to your head, trying to clear your thinking. “I think I’m just a bit stressed after all of the driving and stuff. I hate it.” You gave a dry laugh, and you could see Sokka approach you in the dark.

“I thought you said the drive went fine,” Sokka pressed, now standing next to you.

“It did!” You assured him. “I just don’t like driving, especially at night. It makes me nervous. Why did you think I was calling so much?”

“Oh,” Sokka said dumbly. He was close enough now that you could make out his features. He frowned at you. “Can I sit?” He asked after a long pause. You nodded and awkwardly scooched over to make space for him.

“You know, if you wanted someone to drive with you, I could’ve gone.”

“Sokka,” you laughed, “it’s 8 hours. What could you possibly do to stay entertained up there for three days?”

Sokka shrugged and smiled at you. “I have friends over that direction.”

“Of course you do,” you rolled your eyes. Sokka somehow knew everybody and was friends with almost everyone he knew.

“Plus,” Sokka bumped his shoulder against yours, “I think your parents would love me.” You elbowed him in response, trying to quell the fluttering of your heart and the words that threatened to bubble up from your throat.

“Seriously,” Sokka told you finally, turning to look at you. Even in the dark, his eyes were startlingly blue. “I could’ve at least stayed on the phone with you for a bit.

“I don’t want to ask that of you. You have more important things to do.”

“No, I really don’t,” Sokka said, looking you in the eye. You gulped in the silence, and suddenly everything felt like too much. You could feel his leg up against yours, and his eyes were so blue, and his hair was hanging out of his ponytail, and he said it like he meant it, and you were surrounded by his drawings and his smell and I like you I like you I like you and—

“I like you.”

For a moment you thought you had spoken your thoughts aloud, but that wasn’t your voice, and Sokka was still looking at you and there was something about his expression, and—oh. You sat there with your mouth hanging open.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N, I shouldn’t have said that, and…” He trailed off when you put your hand on his chest to stop him.

“Are you joking?” You asked plainly, looking up at him. Sokka stared back.

“…no.”

With just that one little word you felt the thoughts you’d been holding back for the past months flood up, as if a dam had been broken, and there were so many things that you wanted to say all at once, but your mouth wasn’t working.

“Me, too,” you replied dumbly, and Sokka cocked his head at you.

“What?”

“I like you, too,” you mumbled, leaning forward to bury your face in his chest. You were sure that he’d be able to see your horrible blushing, even in the dim light. You felt Sokka chuckle a little bit.

“What was that?”

You felt your blush deepen as he gently pushed you away from him. “I like you, too,” you repeated, finally looking him in the eye. Sokka gently laid a hand on your cheek, and your eyes fluttered shut as he leaned in.

Kissing Sokka was somehow softer than you had expected. He wasn’t exactly a subtle person—loud, passionate, outgoing, and too smart for his own good—but his kiss was gentle and loving and ended way too soon.

“Do you wanna go out some time?”

“Um, obviously,” you giggled, leaning in as he wrapped you up in a hug, pulling you close.

“Just thought I’d check,” Sokka hums, hand circling your back gently as you yawn into his shoulder. “Now you need to get some sleep.”

“ZUKO, Y/N AND SOKKA ARE CANOODLING!” You and Sokka jumped, awoken by Katara’s yelling. You blinked your eyes open to see all four of your friends standing in Sokka’s bedroom doorway.

“We were not canoodling!” Sokka shouted indignantly.

“This isn’t my room, Katara. It’s not under my jurisdiction,” Zuko shrugged.

“Why couldn’t Aang and I take your room?” Katara demanded. You wiped the sleep from your eyes and felt yourself blushing.

“My room is a canoodle-free zone, Katara.”

Zuko and Katara bickered for a while, while Toph laughed and Aang stood by awkwardly, although you didn’t miss him shooting Sokka a thumbs-up. When it seemed like they’d forgotten you were there completely, Sokka cleared his throat.  

“Excuse me, guys.” Katara and Zuko stopped bickering to look at him. “If you don’t mind, I want to go make Y/N and I some pancakes.” With that, Sokka stood and took your hand to pull you along with him. You blushed.

“Only if you make us some,” Toph crossed her arms and blocked your way.

“Fine, Toph,” Sokka relented, but smiled as he pulled you closer and wrapped an arm around your waist. “Good morning, by the way. Want some more pancakes?”

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | July 2020

Happy 28th! As always, my undying love goes out to all the amazing authors this fandom still has. You are all incredible! Thank you for sharing your work with us ♥ Here are all the 21 fics I read and enjoyed this month:

⋙ The Murmur of Yearning | MediaWhore | historical - no smut - arranged marriage past rape/non-con - implied/referenced dubious consent - minor character death - slow burn - 93k Four years ago, Harry Styles was forced into a marriage of convenience to enrich and ally both his and his promised's families. The sudden, and slightly suspicious, death of the Marquess of Haxshire, however, brings great disturbance to Crescentfield Hall and, as his late's husband's closest male relative, Harry unexpectedly finds himself the head of a family he never felt he belonged to. Between a meddling distant cousin hellbent on inserting himself in Harry’s life, his wicked and mistrustful mother-in-law and his late husband’s advisors refusing to help or take him seriously, Harry struggles in the fight to keep what he’s earned and make the Estate finally feel like home. Luckily he doesn’t stand completely alone and finds himself an unlikely ally in Mr Tomlinson, the elusive Land Stewart who has been taking care of the property in the shadows for years. Louis Tomlinson is caring, patient, and unlike everyone else, he doesn’t seem to think Harry committed a murder.

⋙ Donor-Conceived | jaerie | a/b/o - omega/omega - friends to lovers - intersex omegas - pregnancy kink - unplanned pregnancy - fertility issues - miscarriage mentioned - male lactation - lactation kink - 31k When Harry receives the worst news of his life, it's now or never if he wants to carry a child of his own. Without an alpha, it's a daunting idea. But after it's a go, he finds another omega having a child from the same donor and become fast friends. It is only logical that they raise the boys as half brothers, making sure their sons keep up the relationship with the only connection to their anonymous father. It seems like the perfect plan but life doesn't always work out that way.

⋙ Just a touch of your love | anonymous | a/b/o - touch-starved - past abuse - past rape/non-con - miscommunication - anxiety attacks - 12k “What if something happened to you? What would I say to Niall?” “Nothing, he would have to wait to see my corpse on the news like everyone else.” Deadpanned Harry. Louis’ gasp was all the answer he got. Ok, so that might have been a bit too much. With a calmer voice, he said, “It’s really fine. I’ve walked to the tube countless times, I can handle myself. Just go home and tell Niall to stop mothering me.” Louis was finally walking by his side and gave him a sideways glance before talking. “He doesn’t know, does he? Of your, uh, condition.” Harry tensed and his breath became erratic, but he didn’t say a word. Louis continued. “His nose probably hasn’t picked it up, and you’re lucky Liam’s also a beta, but it took me a minute to confirm it. Your scent is gettin’ so…” He seemed to struggle to find a word. He didn’t finish the sentence, but the emotion in his voice made Harry’s tummy churn. -- Or, Harry is a touch starved omega trying to get through it on his own. Louis happens to be the only alpha around to realize it and offers to help.

⋙ We're Not Who We Used To Be | jaerie | trans female character - trans Harry - childhood friends - friends with benefits - transitioning - gender dysphoria - body disphoria gender identity - first time - self-medicating - reference to depression - 7k Louis comes back to his childhood home and sees an old friend who has changed quite a lot since the last time they saw each other.

⋙ Sincerely, Yours | anon | strangers to lovers - military - 25k Prompt:Historical AU where Louis is a soldier on his way to first deployment and Harry is working at a diner. They meet there when Louis is waiting for the bus, Harry tries to cheer Louis up and agrees to write to him while he's deployed because Louis doesn't have anyone else to write to. People kinda make fun of Harry for writing to (and falling for) a virtual stranger but otherwise everything is great until Louis stops writing. AKA travelin' soldier by the Dixie Chicks but gay and with a happy ending.

⋙ Ever Since I Tried Your Way | anon | historical - 1940s - 1950s - farm/ranch - internalized homophobia - hurt/comfort - emotional hurt/comfort - fluff - smut - gender exploration - body worship - 26k Harry had been kissed before, but never like this. He’d shared sweet, curious kisses behind bleachers and in soda shop booths, one or two more daring ones in cars parked on dark suburban streets, but the girls he’d kissed had never filled him with the desperation that erupted from Louis’ touch. He parted his lips and pulled him closer, as though he could breathe Louis straight into his lungs, as if he could swallow him. He wanted to consume Louis the way he consumed the body and blood of Christ. He wanted to place Louis on his tongue and feel him dissolve into a frothy mess of starch and saliva. He wanted to gulp him down until his teeth were stained purple and he was drunk on him. He wanted him in some violent holy way that made his hands shake where they were twisted in Louis’ shirt. In 1949 Harry left his bride at the altar, running away from the only life he'd known. When a kindhearted farmer offers him a ride in his truck and a place to sleep the two find themselves inexplicably drawn together. Isolated on Louis' farm with nobody but a field of dairy cows to intrude, the men are finally able to explore the parts of themselves they've spent their lives hiding away.

⋙ sleeping on our problems | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - college/university - mpreg - friends with benefits - angst - slow burn - hurt/comfort - 67k I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down. There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

⋙ in a world alone | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - Swan Lake AU - historical - royalty - magic - curses - friends to lovers - slow burn - mpreg - 51k Harry’s breath catches as the glow grows bigger and bigger until he’s squinting his eyes and blinking at the sudden intense brightness. He closes his eyes, rubbing at them helplessly. When his eyes open again- he gasps, grip loosening on his bow as he gawks at the sight before him. Because the swan is gone. And in its place is the prettiest omega Harry has ever seen. - A Swan Lake AU

⋙ The Baby Whisperer | jacaranda_bloom | strangers to lovers - prior mpreg - neighbours - fluff - smut - kid fic - 19k Harry’s newborn baby is having trouble sleeping and nothing he does seems to work. Tired and alone and at his wits end, Harry is at a loss until a new neighbour arrives to turn his world upside down. OR the one where being neighbourly takes on a whole new meaning.

⋙ was in no hurry, had no worries | defencelouis | strangers to lovers - car accidents - smut - daddy kink - 21k The year is 1999 and Harry can’t stop dedicating songs to Louis on the radio. Or the one where Harry hits Louis with his car.

⋙ Strong Enough | jacaranda_bloom | enemies to lovers - exes to lovers - angst - smut - divorce - 21k “So…” Liam starts, and Louis instantly knows where this is going. He’s actually glad it’s Liam that's dragging the subject out from the shadows and into the light. Louis turns to face him, mirroring his position on the couch and nods, ready for him to continue. Liam takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Harry recently?” Five years after Vertigo goes on hiatus, the band comes back together for a benefit concert. Can Louis and Harry work through their complicated past, or are some wounds too deep to be healed?

⋙ What's It Gonna Be? | zeldasayre | high school - 37k Louis looked thoughtful for a moment. “When are you meeting with Clare again?” “Thursday,” Bebe said, looking over at him, the ice clinking in her glass as she stirred it with a long spoon. “Why?” He grinned, narrowing his eyes. He took a long, dramatic pause, sipping his lemonade, and then said, “Scheming.” aka I've watched Shura's "What's It Gonna Be?" music video one too many times. ((Or, Louis and Bebe, best friends since childhood, have crushes on two of the most popular kids in school, and in an attempt to increase their respective chances, Louis befriends Harry Styles, quarterback of the football team, while Bebe befriends Clare Uchima, head cheerleader. Only... the plan... doesn't go exactly as planned.))

⋙ There Goes My Life | anonymous | older larry - colleagues with benefits - mpreg - unplanned pregnancy - smut - lactation kink - 8k Metallic taste in the mouth, check. Aversions to favourite foods, check. Nausea without throwing up, check. A heightened sense of smell, check. Sore and sensitive nipples, check. It had felt as though Harry had been ticking off boxes from his own mental checklist and every new addition brought him closer to an existential crisis. Pregnant. Everything over the last few weeks began to make sense; thoughts he pushed from his mind because he was too busy, and to be honest too scared, to think about. Getting knocked up from a few-night’s-stand was something that happened to teenagers and/or uni students, but certainly not to a forty-year-old Member of Parliament such as himself. *** Or, the one where Harry is single, a Member of Parliament, gets knocked up and has to deal with navigating motherhood in his forties. And Louis? Well, his life is about to change forever as well. This is a tale about colleagues with benefits and the consequences that can come with that.

⋙ Mother I'd Like to * | anonymous | implied mpreg - MILF Harry - 4k “What’s up, dad?” Oliver asks Louis, standing in front of Harry in a way that hides his friends from the view. “Is there something wrong with your mom? Your friends are staring a lot.” Oliver goes beet red at that. He groans and hides his face on his hands. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” --------------------- Written for the prompt: Harry’s and Louis’ son is like 16, so he is hanging out with his friends and his friends are teasing him about how hot his mother (aka harry) is, just like the 1D boys always did with Harry about Anne. The son feels super uncomfortable and Louis is super confused why these little teenagers boys always stare at Harry’s body when he is cooking for them whenever they visit until he finds out they think of Harry as the hottest milf in town (more humor than actual sexual references pls, this is supposed to be more funny than awkwardly sexual :D)

⋙ An Invincible Summer | Brooklyn_Babylon | farm/ranch - historical - 1940s - period-typical homophobia - adoption - minor character death - epilepsy - homophobic language - smut - 44k Never content to stay in one place for long, a few months down south researching for his novel seemed like an idyllic, slow-paced summer to Louis. He wasn't ready for the blistering heat, the backbreaking work of watermelon picking, or how stifling the attitudes in rural Georgia would feel. And he definitely hadn’t anticipated falling in love with the farmer’s son. The summer of 1946 would turn out to be everything worth writing about.

⋙ a trail of honey through it all | faeriestyles | strangers to friends to lovers - mild violence - D/s undertones - 27k The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him. Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

⋙ The Recklessness in Water | LarryOn | light angst - smut - 50k Louis Tomlinson is miserable. He's stuck on a family vacation at a lake cabin in New Hampshire when all he wants to do is bemoan his sorry existence and wallow in his sweatpants. As if the humidity and mosquitos weren't bad enough, he becomes the singular target of an obnoxious lifeguard named Harry.

⋙ baby blue | soldouthaz | cowboy AU - famous/not famous - angst - hate to love - enemies to lovers - smut - hurt/comfort - minor violence - 39k Harry Styles takes his time coming out to greet them. Louis only knows what he’s seen on file and what he’s heard them talking about, but he fully lives up to the image he had inside of his head. He saunters down the front steps of the farmhouse in his Levi’s, brown snakeskin boots curving out from underneath the denim Louis’ sure he had specially made. He’s got on a plaid button-down tucked into the jeans because of course he does, curls spilling out from either side of his cowboy hat around his sunglasses and country-tan skin. “Harry Styles,” he drawls, extending a hand to Louis’ manager, “Pleased to meet ya’ll.”

⋙ with no way out and a long way down | we_are_the_same | royalty - soulmates - strangers to lovers - fluff - angst - no smut - emotional hurt/comfort arranged marriage - 31k Prince Harry is ten when he receives his soulmark.

⋙ adjudication | bottomlinsons | royalty - historical - enemies to friends to lovers - enemies to friends - love letters - betrayal - slow burn - light angst - arranged marriage - 75k Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years. But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

⋙ Something to Prove | trysomecats | a/b/o - enemies to lovers - mpreg - smut - 9k Louis is the first and only omega to work at Red Valley Medical Center. Despite being more than qualified, he still faces prejudice for his career choice everyday. From patients refusing his treatment to condescending alpha doctors intervening with his work, practicing medicine in Boston is more challenging than Louis had ever thought it would be.

[kendrixtermina]

The Recruitment Freebies: Thoughts on Sylvain and Felix

Now when it comes to recruiting characters, there are 2 who kind of stand out and are, in their own way, somewhat ‘easier’ to get.

Sylvain joins you automatically if you’re playing fem Byleth, whereas Felix actually requires high stats/abilities that no one else does but since your primary weapon is most likely going to be a sword anyways and he requires sword skill, he’s actually not so hard to collect. Given that they’re both handy units (Felix kicks butt like no tomorrow, Sylvain is pretty customizable and gets a relic early on) you’re sorta encouraged to snatch one or both.

If you’ve seen them in their original environment, you’ll easily notice why: They’re kind of the kingdom’s token cynics. 

[Longer Essay Under The Cut]

The Initial Situation

One thing that stands out right away is that the Blue Lions are one of the tightest-knit groups: The Black Eagles have sort of vaguely heard of each other because most the imperial nobility lives in the capital and the one commoner used to be famous, but that’s it, only Linhardt and Dorothea really express any regret over betraying Edelgard if they do, and their fates don’t differ that much by whatever faction they’re in - Ferdinand is certainly sad to see the Empire itself go down (see that amusing line about an ‘Adrestia-shaped hole in [his] heart’) and has a minor existential crisis when his family’s lands are confiscated after he spend his whole life preparing to rule them, but while he gets that line wondering what might have become of him if Byleth had chosen a different path, he pretty much always becomes a statesman no matter who winds up on the throne.

The Golden Deer, meanwhile, are from wildly different backgrounds and even Claude just showed up last year. If they stay together, they eventually become a tight-knit group under Claude’s leadership (except Lorenz, if Byleth’s not with them), and if you recruit em,  they will largely pursue their own interests as they were never too unified to begin with, with most of the commoners saying they were never that involved in politics, and most of the nobles acting out of self-preservation or opportunism.

By contrast, most of the Blue Lions know each other personally and will be pretty conflicted about defecting from the Kingdom if you recruit them, and it’s no wonder:

Sylvain, Felix Ingrid and Dimitri were childhood friends and all big weapons enthusiasts, Dedue has followed Dimitri everywhere he went for the last few years, Anette’s father worked for Dimitri’s, Mercedes is Anette’s BFF from magic school and while Ashe didn’t know the others before since he was a poor village kid before Lonato took him in, he becomes fast friends with the rest of them due to their shared admiration of knight stories.

So in this more idealistic and old-fashioned groups, Sylvain and Felix can be thought of as the token cynics or more independently-minded characters. This is most obvious with Felix: He sticks out like a sore thumb, vocally expresses his dislike of the others and their values and basically keeps to himself on the training grounds, and its only through the other’s doormatsey dispositions that they seem determined to ignore his hostilities and continue considering him a friend whether he wants to or not. He doesn’t fit in with the other Blue Lions at all.

Sylvain, meanwhile, doesn’t stand out that much at first glance, he seems like another fairly common character archetype in the silly childhood friends lineup and gives Ingrid plenty of cause to get into Mom Friend mode,  but the whole thing with him is that while he pretends to be a hedonistic oaf, he’s actually something of a brooding intellectual type underneath, very ‘byronic’ overall.

Ultimately, both of them are motivated by a desire for, and love of freedom. (which is probably why a lot of ppl think they’d be a compatible and interesting as a romantic couple - for all their outward difference, they have a common ‘core’ there)  Sylvain has been treated all his life like his life and power don’t really belong to himself and he desperately strains against those binds by acting out, and Felix finds his countrymen to have a bit of a grostesque lemming mentality and wants no part of that.

At the same time both show their ‘cynism’ in very different ways, and neither of them is a ‘complete’ cynic, but the areas where you find their residual idealism are also different. I would say that Felix’ cynism is more apparent, while Sylvain’s runs much deeper, but more on that later.

Though he cares little about maintaining a reputation and indeed seems to sorta seek out or get a kick out doing what his father would hate, calling himself a ‘good for nothing/scoundrel/ someone who’s going to hell’, to sorta go against that pressure to be a good kid, when it comes down to it he’s actually still pretty honorable and does actually believe in The Power Of Friendship (as noted by both Ashe and Dimitri - it’s probably why they like him) He’s inclined to be a Good Guy, he just doesn’t want the pressure that goes along with it.

It reminds me a bit of that one Fiona Apple song: “Do I wanna do right? Of course./ But Do I really wanna feel I’m forced to/  answer you?/ Hell no!”

Felix meanwhile - well. Some might say he’s tsundere, and I suppose he is, stock phrases wise, but to put it more specifically what he is is counterdependent.  Which is a word commonly used to describe that teenage behavior of always doing the exact opposite of what your parents or the mainstream do, thereby being just as influenced as a dependent person. It’s closer to being dependent than indepedent - He wants badly to be independent, but doesn’t really know how. He still very much has attachments to his father and his oldtime childhood friends, he just rejects them fiercely, because between Glenn’s death and his first deployment to Sreng, he came to see that attachment as something that will destroy him, something incompatible with self-preservation. He still dearly loves Rodrigue, Dimitri and the others, but he doesn’t want to be like them. He wants to be free, he’s a reasonable man and sees that they’re all walking off a cliff and he doesn’t wanna jump of of it, but his opposition is so absolute because some part of his kind of wants to.

At the same time he’s not entirely a complainer for complaining’s sake. Though very fighting-focussed he has his own strong code of ethics and standards- Dimitri markedly falls short of them. They’re not that different, Felix too feels the wide open wound of being still bonded and attached  to people who aren*t there anymore (”Training for a duel with a corpse”, as he puts it) - But while Dimitri let it eat his life (though there’s more complexity here of course but that would derail this into a whole different essay), Felix kinda errs on the opposite side of pushing down all attachment, but at the same time, he does it because he’s concerned with saving the ones who are still alive. That’s the point he stresses in his paralogue where he argues with his father, “We’re here to protect our subjects”. He wants to protect himself, yes, but he also wants to protect other people. He’s all about that.  He wants people to protect themselves not glorify throwing their lives away.

Which is why despite all his vocal complaining he still ultimately hangs out with the others, cannot help but worry about their wellbeing etc.  They might be negative bonds now but they’re still very much bonds.

Meanwhile, in Sylvain’s case the cynism comes not from rejection but disillusionment and distrust. He’s a good guy but his ability to form bonds is almost completely destroyed. All his life he got showered with fake conditional love while being presented with an example of what would happen if he didn’t stay in ppl’s good graces: His brother, who’d been dropped like a hot potato. I don’t think he can think of himself as good; He kinda got treated as an unfair existence the moment he came into the world.   At least if you get no love, you still have the hope that you might eventually get love. But fake love? Fake love poisons everything. It’s disgusting wrong, it’s not really for you and it just makes you wanna get rid of it by any means neccessary. Speaking from experience here.

Apart from the bonds he got with his childhood friend and those with exceptional people skills like Byleth, Mercedes and Dorothea, he doesn’t really trust anyone beyond a certain level.

But that’s a subtle distinction.

At first the most apparent difference, and the first contrast to come up in their support chain, is focus. Felix responded to the unpleasantness in his past with absolute laser focus, particularly on fighting and becoming stronger, whereas Sylvain avoids ever the appearance of focus like the plague, downplays his capabilities and chases distractions in a way that may be rather relatable to those of us who had the whole weird-ass Gifted Child Experience. Hence, Sylvain might come off as extravagant/frivolous while Felix appears disciplined, even ascetic.

This is also apparent in how its implied that they “jump ship” - Sylvain does it on a whim because of fem Byleth’s ample bosoms, (whereas man Byleth needs to impress him with reason skill which ties more into his hidden dephts) whereas with Felix it would tie into his pursuit of strenght and how he focusses on that more than anything else. Byleth stands out as a badass, so Felix juins his class or that’s his reasoning in the dialogue he gets.

But at the same time what we see here is that both were born with great natural power but don’t want that defining their lives. Sylvain downplays and refuses to use his, while Felix is determined to get straight that he actually “earned” through his harsh discipline and dedication, and vocally disavows conventional wisdom (”Crests, lineagle, knighthood... all trifles. Only strenght and skill matter”)

Post-Timeskip

So while a lot of characters like, say, Dorothea, get alot of the same dialogues in each route, others kind of get different little arcs depending on where they end up - for example if you recruit Lorenz for the empire he will at first join out of pure opportunism (that, and trying to get mercy for his corrupt-ass father), but then towards the last few months, he’ll actually come around to Edelgard’s way of thinking.

Felix is one of the characters whose dialogue differs the most by route - church & Alliance overlap a lot though with a few pointed differences, and his ending narrations are totally different depending on whether you recruited him or left him with the Kingdom. Of course, this would have to differ to an extent as he can’t exactly become Dimitri’s right hand when there’s no Dimitri, but the outcomes are starkly different to the point that even his paired endings with different characters all have two versions.

In the Kingdom route he generally succeeds his father whereas in the other routes, he typically renounces his title and becomes a mercenary unless his partner or BFF convinces him otherwise.

Unlike, say, Ferdinand, who does about the same thing regardless of who he ends up working under, for Felix the decision to ditch his classmates is a big big turning point, a choice

Sylvain by contrast has rather more similar endings wherever he goes and his dialogues are more similar - one highlight being how he has the exact same “history is written by the winners, whoever wins will say they’re right war will probably always exist...” lines regardless of whether he’s fighting for or against Edelgard. Whenever he isn’t commenting on the weather of their next destination or the general suckyness of the war, he remains mildly sceptical of whatever side he’s on, including one memorable instance where he refers to poor Hubert as “Edelgard’s idiot sidekick” and thinks they should try more negotiating, though he’s not blind to Dimitri’s flaws either when they go fight him.

Not really a big joiner or believer, this one, no illusions about how they could always be wrong, which perhaps makes it more touching how he invariably ends up becoming a peacemaker and activist after the war, basically becoming a fulltime do-gooder.

Since the inner mechanics with Felix are quite different, so are his outcomes. Sylvain’s gonna be like “I’m not optimistic but I gotta try doing the right thing”, no atter who he’s following, but you get a whole different Felix depending on what route you’re playing.

Because for him, wether to stick with Team Kingdom or not kinda represents a choice between his lingering attachment and his drive to reject that.

In the Kingdom route, he stays a lot more like he was in his academy days: Complains a lot, but still sticks with everyone to the end. He sort of fills the role of the contrarian number two, the one providing a contrastic viewpoint (while, Sylvain, while not optimistic, is no less stubborn about sticking with a friend in need than the rest of Team Kingdom)

He comes across as the Only Sane Man at times, esp. when he calls Titanic on the whole Revenge Trip to Gronder, “Iceberg ahead? ya’ll seeing the iceberg right?” but of course if you’re just complaining you’re kinda part of the problem - He muses that he must be crazy too, if he’s going along with everybody. Can’t bring himself to leave. Eventually that attachment wins out and he doesn’t even bother hiding it especially once Dimitri gets his act together. At that point he figures that the best he can do is to keep him on-course. Though they don’t go back to the same dynamic they once had, they go back to being BFF and the new dynanic is probably more useful to Dimitri as a counterpoint, they pretty much each succeed their fathers in proper Kingdom Manner and stay an A-team for the rest of their lives just like their das were. Idealism triumphs, though it’s a more matured, well-thought out one that is less about high standards and more about forgiveness/redemption.

It seems like he kinda became what he didn’t want to be early on (in the paired ending with Dimitri he even winds up in one of those chivalric tales he used to hate!), but it also looks like that made him happy. Maybe because it resolved the contradiction and tension within himself, all the energy he expends in rejecting his feelings of attachment, to like, actively not care about Dimitri.

I mean in their B support at one point he almost accidentally lapses back into Nerding Out About Swords Like Old Times - He needs to actively remind himself that he’s supposed to hate Dimitri now, and he does an even worse job at No Longer Liking the others.

Indeed when he gets what he ostensibly wanted, or rather what he wants to want, it doesn’t seem to make him all that happy - This was indeed the realization that prompted me to do this analysis. He goes full lonesome cowboy and marches off and he doesn’t sound all that happy about what he’s done, and his paired ending with Sylvain is one of the ones that makes it very obvious - In the Kingdom route, they stay Together Forever as they were in childhood, like they never got estranged at all. In the other routes it’s a sad, melancholic, darkly romantic thing about how Sylvain inherited his title, Felix came to help him out once and they never saw each other again, and Sylvain eventually gets a keepsake from Felix... and this is if you recruit them both. They get a sad enough dialogue if you grab only one and make them fight each other, but even if they run away together, essentially, they don’t become happy together.

The circumstances aren’t that different, if they still wound up in the same faction - But Felix is different.

Because he doesn’t just leave because of Byleth’s heroic charisma like many of the others - He  goes because, in essence, he is putting his pursuit of strength over his lingering attachments for his friends. To leave the kingdom means to actually become what he pretends to be. To actually become a lonewolf warrior who cares only about strenght rather than an ultimately loyal tsundere.

Which is where the above rambles about counter-dependency come to bear: He says he doesn’t care but he does, so much he can’t stop. So to take this step, which at the time seens reasonable and sane and free to him, is to cut off part of himself.

Though even here there are different gradations depending on where you recruit him to.

In the Alliance and church routes he simply jumps ship on the kingdom out of self-preservation. Sanity before Honor, just like he was always talking about. The kingdom’s in horrible shape, it can’t win, or so he sees it, Sylvain’s reasoning is pretty much the same but more resigned/sad (”There was nothing I could do”), after all for all they know, Dimitri is long dead (though Felix, always one with keen insight, suspect him to be alive a bit before he shows up)

Then Dimitri turns up alive, but promptly gets himself killed, and Felix regrets it. Every bit as much as other kingdom characters. He wonders if he could have stopped Dimitri if he’d been with him. He channels this into avenging Dimitri first on the empire and then on TWSITD, and starts using his name at this point.

Tellingly enough, he refers to the local afterlife beliefs that are so prominently featured in the Kingdom route. The ones that Rodrigue taught to both Felix and Dimitri and that likely played a role in the latter’s inability to forgive himself for all that Rodrigue is largely a good man who was a positive influence. He talks about “facing” Dimitri in the afterlife or allowing him to rest in peace much like Dimitri’s own talk about appeasing the dead - As much as he’d like to be Felix was not actually immune to his upbringing. basically he really regrets it.

The church and alliance routes differ somewhat in the dialogue before the last stage in a way that makes the church route seem “milder” - He considers working under Byleth once they become King/Queen, so he doesn’t seem quite as “lost”, whereas in the alliance route he expresses interest in dueling Nemesis. Not that far beyond his usual “must fight worthy opponents/ blood knight attude” but certainly more of an embracement of it and also very reckless, since as far as we knew the zombie horde is blazing an almost unhindered trail through the land and pretty much had Hilda’s renowned invincible brother for breakfast.

The empire route, of course, requires him to go even further - it’s one thing to evacuate a sinking ship, another to go a path where there’s a good chance that he’ll have to go against, and even fight/kill his former comrades. The game sure included tons of unique dialogue for this. You can even have his feud with his father end quite lethally, and Dimitri will even comment on it when you engage him. Ouch!

Right after the holy tomb scene most the recruitees’ dialogues are either some variation of “I’m scared but I trust you sensei” or “Now that she’s actually explained her reasoning, Edelgard’s got a point” - Felix’ is neither.

Though he’d presumably agree that Crests and Status are overrated, that’s not what he talks about. He says he wants to forge his own path, one that isn’t his father’s or Dimitri’s.  

He may or may not be doing the right thing but it’s for the wrong reason.

It’s a decision that’s perfectly logical if you feature in all factors except for his own heart - by which I don’t mean some bullshit 19th century “head vs heart” contrast but simply self-knowledge, which is necessary to make choices that you won’t regret, especially when the ‘correct’ path is ambiguous.

He wants to be free, deeply and desperate but, there’s also the counterdependency in play. He’s not going with the Empire because he wants to go with the empire, but because he wants to go against Rodrigue and Dimitri. Rejecting them to prove to himself that he can.

And turns out he can. He can cut em all down, with fairly unfazed Dialogue about how he’s going his own path, will never bow to the likes of Dimitri, will pursue strenght no matter who stands in his way etc.

They all curse him for betraying him, only Sylvain who’s not the sort to have much certainty about being right, gets more of a “sad/tragic” line about their childhood promise.

But that’s on the battlefield. Back at the monastery it’s a different matter. In this route he shows significantly LESS regret about what happens to the kingdom peeps - after all, he knew he’d be fighting them. He’s just completely embraced the ‘living to fight’ thing here and you get the sense that some other parts of his may have been lost in the process.

Ironically he says he killed more ppl than he can count and that he’s practically as bad as Dimitri now (”Your better world better be worth this”, indeed...) and while he’s completely unflinchingly resolute he’s not exactly unphased.

You can certainly understand why he’d end up as a restless sorta wandering mercenary  (interesting, too that if you pair him with Byleth they’ll go with him - interesting enough in its own right since that’s the sort of life they use to have before coming to the academy)

So I guess this could all  ultimately be seen as a parable on ‘be careful what you wish for’, or, more accurately, ‘know yourself before making wishes’.

[secretlywritingstories]

you’re always welcome here; you made this home for us | phan one shot

Summary: They haven’t forgotten about him; they still miss and care about him and they welcome and embrace him with open arms. 

or Dan has been away for a while but the viewers still love him.

No warnings

Word count: 3.3k

A/N: Yes, I love Dan a lot and I missed him so much, so the only natural reaction was to write this in response. Read to get emotional about Dan with me.

Read on AO3 or below

Everyone knows that Dan gets too wrapped up in his head.

He has made countless videos about talking to himself. He’s described the thought spiral that can happen in his head. He has shown him lying on the floor, like when he’d be having an existential crisis.

He has been open about it – how it’s connected to his mental health, more so in recent years.

Or well, in the years leading up to 2019. Then he had dropped off the grid with one noticeable exception in form of his coming out video.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been working. He had almost too many projects being tended to behind the scenes, even if most of them never did see the light of day. And he had to gather a lot of energy to create his coming out video. It had taken more out of him than he had admitted but it might be the video he was the proudest of.

It was what he was going to talk about today, at least a bit.

They had prepped him a little before he would be sent live on the Mermaids UK’s twitch stream for charity. Dan had been asked to do it late, and he had found himself hesitating. It wasn’t like he couldn’t do online stuff but it felt a bit intimidating.

He had left it for too long and now it felt like he had to come back with something big and grand. He hadn’t dared to do a live show after releasing BIG into the world. He had been too overwhelmed with all of the support and he very much didn’t want to break into tears live in front of thousands of people.

Still, he missed it sometimes. He missed being able to pop on for an hour and just talk. He felt at home with his audience, even more so as the years had passed and so many of them had grown up with him. They had been one of the main reasons that he had even felt comfortable coming out.

His younger self had never thought he would be able to do that.

Phil had helped a lot too, obviously. Dan knew how much it must have cost him to step back into the closet, at least publicly, but he had done it without Dan even having to ask.

It came to the surprise of no one that Phil had also picked up on the fact that Dan was nervous about being part of the charity livestream. He had been told some of the names that would be participating and he felt widely out of place. He was just someone who made videos on the internet, and well, could he even call himself that now when he’d only put out one single video in the past year?

“We’re doing Norman Fest for April Fools, right?” Phil had said, late March when they had both been on the couch catching up on Riverdale. The show had gotten utterly absurd but Phil was shamelessly invested and so, they continued to watch.

Phil had also argued that it was Norman’s favourite show. Dan hadn’t had the heart to explain to Phil that Norman likely couldn’t see a thing that went on in the television.

“Are we?” Dan asked.

“We?”

“It’s a shared fish, Phil,” Dan said.

“Yeah, we agreed. Don’t you remember? When we got him, we said we’d need to do Pigeon Fest but better. At least, we can assure that Norman will be in frame and it’s not just empty the whole time.”

“So… you want to help, right? It’d be good practice for Saturday too.”

Dan had relented, not that he had taken much consideration. He had been feeling quite disheartened because his project had kept being pushed back. First, it was supposed to happy late last year and then it had been pushed to the spring and now everything was up in the air. Dan knew that it was one of the minor issues brought on by the pandemic – people were literally dying – but he couldn’t help but feel sad anyway. He had worked so hard on this project and it had been the thing that he wanted to return with to his audience.

He wondered how many of them had stopped caring because he had been gone for so long.

But April Fools was a good situation to tip his toes back into the water – or his hand into Norman’s aquarium – because it was nothing committal. No one could take April Fools seriously.

Dan and Phil most certainly didn’t when they decided to call the ending segment Aquarium Staff Seminar – or ASS. It felt quite safe to be behind the camera and just talking, dodging all of the hard questions to just to talk about Norman and his tank. Dan found that the words came to him easily and he fell into that voice again.

It had taken him a long time to realise but he found that he talked a specific way during live shows. It was Phil that had pointed it out to him – how he spoke almost calmly. It was a big contrast to a dinof video where he would be planned and articulate or on the gaming channel where he would be joking around and screaming.

He found that he’d missed speaking like this.

And despite the fact that they had only answered fish and aquarium related questions, it didn’t mean that Dan hadn’t seen a lot of other comments. He had expected to see a lot of people being mad at him – it was really difficult to programme that out of his brain – but instead it had mostly been an influx of excitement. People were losing their shit over his and Phil’s silly segment, in the best way.

Once the seven-hour Norman Fest 2020 was finished and shut down, Dan felt that he was distracted. He kept going on social media, just checking in and his mentions everywhere was flooded. They were so supportive and Dan found that he was once again reminded that he and Phil had somehow, almost accidentally, managed to create a community that could be really lovely.

He had felt removed from them, especially lately, but he had needed the break. He had needed to reflect. It didn’t mean that he couldn’t miss them. And he did, he realised after Norman Fest.

“That was a big hit,” Phil had said with a big smile after he’d cut off the live show. “Our boy is a star. Do you think he’s the fish that’s gotten the most fan art ever? I bet he is.”

Dan’s heart softened at Phil’s excited ramble and he pulled him into a hug, before they went back to the kitchen to make dinner.

Now it was Saturday and Dan were hiding in the corner of his camera because none other than John Barrowman was on the screen. Dan felt widely inadequate once more. It was almost as if Phil had sensed it because he walked into the room and Dan’s little corner.

He still used this corner a lot, just to do work on the computer or practice on the piano but he hadn’t been live from this spot in… over a year? It must be. The feeling sat heavy in his stomach.

“I brought you a cup of tea,” Phil said, in his best British posh voice.

Dan cracked a smile but accepted the tea all the same. He likely wouldn’t be able to drink it while live but he still appreciated the effort.

“Wait, is that John Barrowman?” Phil asked after a peak on the screen.

“Yes.”

“Damn. That’s some name to follow up.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan said with an eye roll and fiddled with the sleeve of his striped shirt.

“Hey,” Phil said and leaned in to place a hand on Dan’s shoulders. He gave him a comforting squeeze. “You’re awesome too, Dan.”

“Hmm…”

“Stop those thoughts,” Phil said, lightly flicking him on the forehead. “You are. You’re incredible.”

“You’re biased,” Dan said. “You’d say that the sun shines out of my asshole.”

“Maybe, it does. I could find out for you,” Phil said, grinning and poking his tongue out through his teeth. Dan had never tired of that grin. “But I am right. And they’ll show you.”

“Who?”

“Our people.”

Dan didn’t get to reply because he heard his name being mentioned. And he cringed a little at the introduction, just like he had when they had described him as a radio presenter in their announcement tweet, but it didn’t matter. This wasn’t about him. This was about trans children who needed help. Dan just wanted to help, however he could.

Surprisingly, Dan found it easy to talk when he started.

It was like something slotted into place and he needed hardly any prompting from the hosts. Maybe, it was something about this corner, and how much he had ranted from here. Maybe, it was just the familiar feeling of wanting to share and wanting to connect, more now than ever as the world was in disarray.

Being put in a similar category as Lorraine Kelly was also more than a little intimidating but Dan found that his time on the stream passed exceptionally quickly. While he was live, the donations jumped from £4,000 to £10,000. He could see the bar going up, and the donations rolling in.

His and Phil’s people.

It wasn’t only them but it was in part because of them. The same people that continued to run charity donations in both his and Phil’s honours on their birthdays. Dan knew they would make one for him this year too, whether he put out anything new yet or not. Because they shared.

They had found each other in a community that he and Phil had built and even though he was not maintaining it anymore, it was still there because of him, in part.

Dan did his best to be reassuring. He that people must have been surprised when the retweeted the announcement two hours earlier – not much warning really – but they had come running.

They miss you, you know, Phil would tell him sometimes.

Dan knew he was dodging questions about him in his weekly live shows and in the comment section on AmazingPhil. Phil said that it wasn’t bad, but that the chat or the comments would always pick up if he mentioned Dan.

As such, he didn’t do it too much and he out of anyone respected Dan's desire to work behind the scenes instead in front of the screen for a while. Dan was a little annoyed on Phil’s behalf, but Phil didn’t seem bothered. He had learned to let comments roll off him, both the overly positive and the overly negative. You shouldn’t get too invested.

Dan had always struggled with it more. He had cared too deeply about other people’s opinions, even to the point where it could paralyse him. It would freeze him in indecision because then at least he wasn’t doing anything wrong, right?

Evidently, it wasn’t because some people had stopped caring when he went away. It was completely fair. Interests wavered and Dan completely respected that. He had thought that maybe this would be the majority of the people that used to watch him.

He was surprised to see so, so many hadn’t.

They welcomed him with open arms and it felt emotional. When asked about Basically I’m Gay, he knew he needed to lament how important his audience had been to him. It had been a call out to them, a reminder that he hadn’t forgotten them either – that he never would. They had complicated his life, but they had also enriched it in ways he could never have imagined.

The half hour passed quickly and soon enough he was waving goodbye, shouting “trans rights, stay safe, see you later,” before he wheeled himself out of shot. The last part of the goodbye had slipped for his lips by instinct.

See you later.

Later used to just mean next week or the week after that if something came up. It wouldn’t be this time, not with everything that was going on in the world but it was so easy to fall back into old patterns.

It might be because he would be coming back, eventually. It wouldn’t be the same because he had grown and changed, as had his content creation methods, but he could never really leave his audience behind. He would come back when he was ready and he was so excited to show them everything he had worked on.

Phil popped back into the room a couple minutes after Dan had signed off.

“Were you watching?” Dan asked, clicking windows closed on his computer.

“Of course,” Phil said, “and you didn’t drink your tea.”

“So, spying on me?” Dan asked, fondly. “I couldn’t very well drink my tea while talking.”

“Yes, you could. It would be very British of you. Isn’t 5 PM teatime, anyway?”

Dan shook his head, eyes crinkling as he smiled. He reached for the mug and took a sip. It was mostly cold but it still tasted right, Phil had made it just how Dan liked it.

“Thanks,” Dan said, getting up from his chair, mug in hand.

“You did well,” Phil said.  

“I just…”

“What?”

“I just hope it helped, you know, at least little.”

“I think it helped more than a little,” Phil said and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Look,” he said softly, and for a second Dan thought that Phil was showing him another video of an adorable baby animal.

He was using the same voice, as if he wanted to care and mother what he was showing Dan. But it wasn’t a video. It was a screen shot.

“There’s more,” Phil added, leaning over Dan’s shoulder to scroll through the photos.

It was tweets, tumblr posts and comments from the twitch stream itself, all talking about Dan. Phil must have snapped them during.

Dan didn’t even read them properly but just scanning over the words, he got the gist of it. People had been overjoyed to see his face and hear his voice. They had missed him, so much by the looks of it and the feeling hit Dan square in the stomach.

He had been so worried.

He had felt like he couldn’t just come out to them and appear without contributing something. It had felt like cheating because he had gone away to work on stuff with his project and to work on himself, like with his marathon training. Everything had been cancelled and Dan had felt empty and a bit like a failure.

But they weren’t mad. They weren’t being snarky, like they could at times. At most, some were poking fun at him about the gaming channel comment and to be fair, he hadn’t been the one that said he had a gaming channel. A lot of them just said how much they missed him and how nice it was to see his face again.

They showered him with compliments, mentioning how happy he looked and how glad they were to see that he was still doing well. Every single thing that Phil had screen shotted just oozed care. Some of them even commented on how excited they were to see what Dan had in store for them in the future. They were not pushing, just curious and excited.

It felt like when Dan came home from a visit without Phil – a rare occurrence but it had happened – and Dan would get to fall into Phil’s arms once he got back to their flat. It felt like being embraced and accepted and like he could breathe again. There was something comforting about his scent and the way their bodies just fit against each other. No matter how much time had passed, they would slot together like they had never been apart.

This felt like their audience all showed him, once again, that he would have a space. He had been away but they welcomed him back with open arms, even if this was just a little thing and he wasn’t even back “for real”. Dan wasn’t even sure what that meant to be honest and the future was still unsure and scary but he now knew one thing for sure.

Most of them had not forgotten about him – they were waiting, some impatiently, for him to make a reappearance. He couldn’t wait to give it to them, even if he had to wait a little longer before he dared to jump fully into the deep end of the pool.

Phil plucked his phone from Dan’s fingers, which seemed to be trembling. Dan hadn’t even noticed, eyes just burning a hole in the screen without really reading. He has just been processing, trying to take it all in.

These were the same people who had showed him that it was okay to be himself. He was the one who had told them to have the courage to exist but they were the ones that had taught him that lesson and he didn’t want to take it for granted.

“They’re just all so…” Dan said, voice trailing off when he couldn’t find an appropriate word to encompass all that he was feeling in the present moment.

“So?” Phil said, a gentle nudge, just as he also placed a hand on the small of Dan’s back. He slid his palm up under Dan’s baggy jumper, sprawling his palm directly against Dan’s skin. It was always something that grounded Dan and Phil had seemed to sense that he needed that right now.

“Why am I getting so emotional over this?” Dan said, voice shaking. “It’s silly, right?”

Phil let out a thoughtful hum. “Do you think that they are silly for freaking out and being happy with just hearing your voice or seeing your face for a few minutes?” Phil countered.

Dan’s brows furrowed. “What? No. I mean, that’s valid. I’m still a little surprised I mean that much to people at times, but I’d never judge them for becoming excited and happy. That would be silly.”

“Exactly,” Phil said and he was smiling knowingly, before he leaned in to press a soft kiss to the bridge of Dan’s nose. “So, you’re not silly for missing it either.”

“Except, I’m the reason that it’s not happening. Not them.”

“Dan,” Phil said, moving his free hand to cup Dan’s cheek. “It’s not a crime to need time. They don’t hold that against you, you know. Despite all that they have done for you, you don’t owe them anything you don’t want to give.”

“I know that,” Dan said and he did but it was good to be reminded at times. “I want to, though. Just… not there quite yet.”

“And they will be there when you’re ready. It’s your, it’s our, online home.”

“I guess,” Dan said and he was a little caught up in watching the soft way that Phil’s eyes crinkled as he spoke.

“A real home is not four walls, it’s a space you carve out for yourself. This is part of your home and you will always be welcome. No matter how long you’re away from home.”

“The metaphor is getting a little out of hand, isn’t it?” Dan asked teasingly, but he was also doing it to distract from the fact that he felt like he was getting choked up.

Phil pinched his cheek and Dan sprang away laughing, he hadn’t expected that attack.

“Brat,” Phil chided.

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

“Unfortunately,” Phil tutted.  “They do too.”

Dan looked at Phil, and he could see the sincerity in his eyes.

“I know,” Dan replied.

As Dan was falling asleep that night and it felt like some of the weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Even with project delays and only being able to face them in small doses, people were still waiting for him.

He looked forward to speaking to them again. Dan fell asleep with a smile on his face, Phil’s arms around him and a fluttering feeling of excitement in his chest.

[pokemaniac1]

To Grant a Wish - Part 1

Written for @tilltheendwilliwrite​‘s 7.7k Celebration (Covid Sucks) Challenge. This got waaaay away from me and ended up being almost three times longer than I thought it was going to be. It was originally going to be a oneshot but i’m going to have to post the second half in a few days due to the flu. :( 

Check it out on Ao3 Here

My prompt was this image:

Summary: After trying and failing to set an appointment to meet with Iron Man, Make-A-Wish Foundation worker, Eliza Elliot, has no idea how she's going to help her kids fulfil their wish to 'Meet a real life superhero'.  

However, thanks to an online video, some determination, and a pair of chaotic interns, Eliza manages to pull it off.

Warnings: Childhood illnesses, references to terminal illnesses, hospitals, possible inaccuracies in the job description tbh, cat calling, getting cornered by drunk guys, threatened assault, car crash, (almost)getting run over by a car,

------

Saturday evening had Eliza rubbing her eyes tiredly and glaring at the phone in her hand. The number to the Stark Industries' head office flashed briefly on her phone’s screen before going black.

She had been trying to get in touch with the events' coordinator of the company, or someone who could help her, for the past 3 months, but she'd been shunted off from one person to the next with seemingly no end in sight.

She noted the time, seeing 8:26pm, and sighed. Closing her notepad, she was about to place it back in her bag and head off for the night when her phone buzzed on the counter. She looked at the number and, seeing one of the numbers she had spent over an hour on hold with today, she scrambled to pick it up. She almost lost her mug - empty but for a few left over coffee grinds laying at the bottom - off the side of her desk in her haste but managed to catch it just as she pressed the 'Accept Call' button. She placed it back on the teetering pile of papers that sat on the edge of her desk, its weight balancing out the whole pile and preventing an avalanche that was one day inevitable.

"Hello! This is Eliza Elliot." She said to the phone, her best Customer Service Voice(TM) in place. She hoped briefly that she didn't sound too frantic.

"Ah, Miss Elliott. This is Michael Walters, I'm the deputy events manager at Stark Industries." Came the clipped voice from the other end. "I'm calling to follow up with you regarding your calls over the last few months." "It's great to hear from you Mr. Walters." Again, Eliza did her best to sound calm, hope rising in her chest. Three months and finally a response. "I was told you were one of the best people to speak to in regards to setting up an appointment with Iron Man." Him and like 20 others. "That's correct, I'm one of those in charge of approving Mr. Stark's events." he said, sounding like he had his nose pointed to the ceiling.

The haughtiness in his tone was hard to miss and Eliza felt her own nose wrinkle in distaste. Just get through this conversation Eliza. You've waited 3 months for this opportunity. She took a deep breath and jumped right into it.

"Great! As you're most likely aware from my previous calls, I'm calling on behalf of the Make-A-Wish foundation. I'm looking to set up a meet and greet with Mr. Stark and some of the children who would love to meet their hero." Her rehearsed line came out in a single breath and quickly enough it almost sounded like a single word. Thankfully, it was understandable, but it was a close thing. Pinching herself slightly, she forced herself to take a deep breath. Here next words came out a tad more controlled. "What would be involved....."

"Miss Elliott." Came the abrupt reply, cutting off her off. "I'm calling to inform you that, unfortunately, we can't approve of an event held at your location." Eliza's breath caught in her throat.

"Oh, well thank you for getting back to me and letting me know. Is it because of security for Mr. Stark?" She asked once she could breathe again, figuring that that would be a valid concern considering everything that the Avengers deal with on an almost weekly basis. It's not like a small (government funded) hospital in the middle of New Jersey would have the kind of security needed to prevent those risks. "We're happy to book an approved venue if that's what it takes."

"Ah wonderful, we can put you on the waiting list then." Walters said. The snobbish tone was still present and it rubbed Eliza up the wrong way. Do it for the kids, Eliza. Jeremy and Zeki have been waiting for this. She heard papers shuffle in the background. "It appears our next available booking is in 18 months at the..."

Her heart plummeted, a heavy rock forming in the pit of her stomach not even hearing where the venue was. She found her voice after a moment and was quite proud of the fact that there was no waver to it.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Walker. I know this may be a lot to ask, but is there any chance we can get an earlier time slot?" She asked. A pause on the other end had her palms sweating. She rushed to fill the silence. "It's just that, we have a couple of kids who have been waiting a really long time already and we're working on fast-tracking a few select wishes due to the nature of their illnesses." Fuck. Did I just violate HIPAA by saying that? Shit fuck. Too late now. "They're really looking forward to seeing their heroes."

"Miss Elliott," He started, a harsh edge to his voice. "I certainly cannot rush you up the queue. If we let anyone just push ahead, especially those looking for handouts, then we wouldn't be the industry leaders we are. Your organisation will wait your turn regardless of whatever sob story you have lined up."

Eliza was stunned silent momentarily, not quite sure how to respond.

She wasn't the best with social cues, but she was pretty sure that the man's response was entirely uncalled for. Even if she was trying to get a foot in the door to meeting her superhero for personal reasons, surely they had enough resources to do a background check on everyone who was trying to get a meeting? Wouldn't that be enough to see that she was who she said she was?

He clearly knew she was with the Make-A-Wish Foundation though. He mentioned looking for handouts, was this because they were a charity? Why would they have a problem with that though? Tony Stark and Stark Industries was famous for having one of the most influential charities in the country in the Maria Stark Foundation. Surely they'd be understanding in helping another charity? This sort of thing is what they did, right?

Mr. Walker had continued talking throughout her minor existential crisis.

"It's also come to my attention that you have made over a dozen calls to our office just in the past month." He said in his imperious tone.

She didn't need to look at her notes to know that, yes, she had indeed called them over a dozen times this month. Twenty-six times to be exact. Though, to be fair, most of those were to the Maria Stark Foundation rather than Stark Industries itself and all of those were because they couldn't seem to decide who was in charge of organising a meeting with Iron Man.

"I have booked you in for the next available appointment in 18 months. Our event team will be in touch with the details in the next 48 hours. From now on, please refrain from excessive phone calls, otherwise we will be forced to pursue legal action on the grounds of harrassment. I hope you have a lovely evening Miss Elliott."

At the sudden beep signalling the end of the call, Eliza could only stare at the phone, the number again flashing on the screen before going dark. After what felt like an eternity, she placed the phone down on the counter and collapsed her head onto her arms.

What the fuck was that?

--------------------

Two days later on Monday morning, Eliza walked into the children's wing of the hospital, the laughs and chatter that greeted upon her entry making her smile. Despite everything that they were going through, the kids always managed to have smiles on their faces.

Her job as a Wish Granter with the Make-a-Wish Foundation had her scheduled to come in to socialise with her assigned children at least three days a week. She adored seeing her honorary children whenever she was scheduled; it was a  part of her job description that was a bonus she was very happy to take advantage of.

They were so often such a joy to speak with as the distinctive resilience of children was plain as day in almost all of the kids in the hospital. Whether they're hospitalised because of cancer, a birth defect, or even a degenerative disease, the vast majority of the time they're playing and laughing as much as they were able just like any regular kids.

Her job could be really difficult though. Sometimes, it was heart wrenching to look at all the tiny faces in the children's wing of the hospital and know that for some of them, their stay in the hospital would be ongoing for the remainder of their lives.

There were also days where certain children had a particularly painful day. It could be a flair up, a seizure, or a day after a surgery. The days that she had to watch the almost lifeless forms of usually energetic children weighed heavily on her heart.

Thankfully, that day seemed to be one of the good days.

When we she walked through the door to the ward one of her children were assigned to, she was almost bowled over by a bright blur at waist height. She only just managed to stay standing by reaching out and snagging the doorframe with one of her hands, steadying both herself and the little barnacle that was now attached to her legs.

She looked down and her face brightened in happiness at seeing the excited face of one of the kids looking up at her. Her concerns of the previous night's talk were put on pause and sent to the back of her mind as she went to chat the tiny ray of sunshine.

"Carly!" She exclaimed, taking in the little 6 year old dressed in her favourite summer dress, even though it could be considered sweater temperature in the air conditioned room. "It's good to see you, sweetie! I see you're up and moving about like a little tornado."

That got a giggle from the little girl and another squeeze before she let go and stepped back from Eliza.

"I'm super fast today!" Carly giggled. "I totally surprised you just then, didn't I?"

"You sure did." Eliza laughed, taking a step back into the room and making space in the doorway for a mum coming in. "What have you been up to today with all this energy?" The question seemed to remind the girl of something and she quickly grabbed hold of Eliza's hand again, tugging her towards a bed at the back of the ward and chattering so fast Eliza couldn't keep up with what she was saying.

As she was dragged walking past, several parents who were sitting beside beds – some carefully trying to avoid any wires or IV cords their young children had - looked up and smiled in greeting at her. They were doing remarkably well at managing the kids considering most of them seemed to have caught whatever spurt of energy Carly was displaying. She'd be worried if it weren't such a refreshing sight to see.

The children in this ward ranged in ages from five to ten years old and while most of those in the children's wing stayed maybe a couple of nights at a time, this ward and the ones either side of it were where those with some of the more serious conditions were staying. These were the kids who tended to come in more frequently for operations or observations and for longer periods.

For example, Carly, who wasn't one of the children whose Wish she was organising but was hard to ignore even on one of her bad days, was there that day on observation after a scare that her leukemia was returning. She'd recently had her third chemotherapy treatment so she was still in the early stages of treatment. Despite this, she rarely stayed still for very long, and was on her feet as often as she was physically able to be, much to her parents' distress.  

It hurt sometimes to know that such young children were going through such terrible experiences, but they always maintained such positive outlooks on their lives, it was difficult to remain too upset around them.

Eliza noted, with no small amount of amusement, that the bed she was being led to was almost completely covered with pillows. It was an impressive stack to say the least. It had been covered from the very top to the very end in pillows of varying sizes and was roughly five layers high all the way across, even six layers in some places. If Eliza had to guess, she'd say there was easily fifty pillows just on that one bed alone. Beside her, Carly was chatting away happily, informing Eliza that they had plans for today and that they needed her help with a very important task.

"Mummy said we weren't allowed to start until you got here, so now that you're here you, me and Zeki can play princes and princesses! Buuut...." the drawn out word was punctuated with another fierce little tug to her arm. "we need a castle!"

Eliza huffed out a laugh and traded an amused glance with Carly's mother who was watching everything from a chair by the window.

Zeki, a young boy with polymicrogyria and a smile with an intensity set to outshine his hardships, was standing beside a tower to the pillow gods, practically vibrating with excitement. He was one of the two children whose wish Eliza was organising and he happened to be one of Carly's best friends in the ward. The two of them were practically inseparable when they were staying in the hospital at the same time.

Due to his condition, his brain hadn't developed correctly in the womb and led to Zeki being born deaf, having a lot of trouble with coordination, and often experiencing seizures. It was a severe condition that was progressively getting worse. This condition, paired with an underdeveloped heart, had led to far too many close calls for comfort and a great deal of uncertainty of his survival with each seizure (hence Eliza's urgency to get in touch with Iron Man).

Kids being kids though, that didn't stop either of them from playing their hardest. With an excited wave at Eliza when he saw her, he pointed at the pillows and started signing even more wildly. She didn't know much sign language but it looked like a pillow fort construction was in the near future. She was proven correct a moment later.

"He says we're going to be building a Pillow Castle Fort, 'liza!" Carly almost shouted her Big Reveal as they came up to him. "Ooohh! That sounds fun!" Eliza said with enthusiasm. "That's a lot of pillows you have there. Where did you get them all?" "His mummy brought most of them and my mummy brought some of the others! We needed at least a hundred pillows for the castle!" She said with a serious nod to her head. "Let's go!"

"I'd love to help, Carly. But, aren't you supposed to be resting today?" Eliza asked, pausing by the bed and giving the girl what she hoped was a disapproving face. She apparently needed to work on her disapproving looks because Carly just grinned, ignored her, and started helping Zeki move the pillows from the bed to the floor. Eliza sighed. "Fine, but once we finish, you're going to bed, little miss."

And with that, the three of them got to work. With a chuckle and an amused glance at the two troublemakers Eliza focused on following the appointed princess' directions.

She wasn't surprised when, after only a minute and in a moment of frustration and mischief, as they were taking the main pile off the bed, Carly decided that the easiest way to bring them down was via the avalanche method; i.e. Grab a couple from the bottom of the pile and rip them out to bring the rest of the pillows down on top of them. Zeki let out a squeal of surprise and then a loud giggle as the pillows tumbled down around them.

Once that excitement was over, the castle was started by using the bed as a foundation with the pillows propped up against the legs and built around it. Carly obviously had a vision as to how her castle needed to be designed because she took over directions almost immediately and was very fastidious about the placement of each pillow.

She wasn't sure exactly what she was signing to Zeki, but her playful comments to Eliza along the lines of "'Liza, make sure that pillow is exactly this far away from the one next to it! No, no, no! This far!", or the very serious "No, 'Liza. We can't just make it two floors high! It has to be three floors! The princess and the prince are going to have the best room we can make." while Zeki giggled and wiggled at their side made her think they were talking smack about her in their secret language. The cheeky little things.

It was an hour later and the pillow castle was well on its way to completion when Eliza's other charge came to greet her.

Jeremy was a little boy for his 10 years of age and he came almost crashing into the ward through the door and bounding, not quickly but still energetically, over to her when he saw her. He had a massive smile on his face as his momentum, and lack of coordination, brought him crashing into her where she was crouching on the floor. Luckily for the castle, they fell to the side and away from the pillows, however, it wasn't so lucky for Eliza's elbow, which caught the tiled floor as she turned to catch the small bundle of energy flying into her. She chuckled as she sat up, ignoring the slight flare of a soon-to-be bruise, and picked up the squirming child from her lap.

"Hi Jeremy. How are you going today, kiddo?" She asked with a grin.

The garbled noises she got in return, paired with an excited wave of an Iron Man toy she had just noticed in his hand made her smile widen further, though a ball of sadness curled low in her belly.

Jeremy had an enzyme deficiency (the name of which was more a rearrangement of the alphabet to Eliza than an actual word) which caused a variety of issues for him. Besides being unable to communicate verbally, he also had various bone malformations, and had to have enzyme replacements each week. These appointments meant he was hooked up to a bunch of machinery for 8 hours every Monday, and while not a cure for his condition, did a lot to slow down its progression.

Having just arrived for his appointment, he was in high spirits and was excited to see all of his friends again. It was also apparent, he was keen to show off his new toy.

"Oh wow! That's an awesome Iron Man toy!" She told him excitedly. "Is he new?"

He nodded frantically in return and pulled out his mobile phone. He pulled up his communication app and started typing.

She waited patiently for him as she fixed the base of the castle fort and once he was done she read what he showed her. Carly and Zeki were excitedly starting to crawl through the castle and test its integrity so Eliza knew she had a moment to chat with her second charge. Carly was gingerly pulling herself up to the bed level while Zeki was exploring the base level, the one securely on the ground and the one with the most 'rooms' able to be huddled together.

'We were buying a present for my friend's birthday and mum got it for me!' He'd typed.

"Ooh! That's awesome!" She exclaimed. Grinning, she looked down at his shirt with a big screen print of the Ironman armour on it and his light up Ironman glow shoes. "Iron Man's your favourite superhero too isn't he?" She knew the answer but he always got excited when he spoke about Ironman.

As she expected, he started writing frantically on his app, telling her all about the trip to the store and the fact that he got to play in the park after it, and even meeting one of his school friends there!

'It even comes with 2 extra armour sets!' He went on to type. 'When I get home, I'm going to be putting on one of them! It's like a puzzle!'

She grinned. "Woah Iron Man puzzles!?" She started nodding her head thoughtfully while smiling. "They are the best kind of puzzles."

As Jeremy started typing on his phone once again, and Carly and Zeki started playing princes and princesses among the pillows, her thoughts drifted to the disastrous conversation with Mr. Walters on the phone the day prior. She hadn't yet received the confirmation email he said she'd receive but she still had roughly a day or so before she had to follow up.

Iron Man was Eliza's first choice of hero to contact for Jeremy and Zeki's shared wish of 'meeting a superhero' because of Jeremy's absolute adoration for the hero as well as the hero's very public identity. Zeki hadn't really shown a preference for any hero in particular as he reacted with the same vigorous energy to all the heroes when she'd asked and when they came on tv. So as long as they were in their suits, he'd be happy.

Getting in touch with the heroes was the biggest hurdle that Eliza had to face, made only slightly easier by the fact that Stark Industries had made a public method of setting up fundraising or social events. She'd seen pictures of Mr. Stark in his Iron Man suit taking publicity shots with people, both adults and kids, at other hospitals around the country, sometimes even the world, and she figured it would have been easy to get through to the self proclaimed Philanthropist. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Steve Rogers, Captain America, was also contactable through Stark Industries according to their website, but she didn't hold out much hope for reaching him if she couldn't get past the first stage of reaching Iron Man.

How was she even supposed to get in touch with another hero? It's not like all the heroes essentially had a hotline to contact them for meet and greets.

A tug on her shirt pulled her out of her thoughts and she looked down again at Jeremy, only to have his phone jammed in her face in his excitement.

'Spiderman was with Iron Man Yesterday in New York! There were super cool pictures and videos on Youtube of them fighting the big robot! Iron Man got really close and Spider Man even ran right past! They're so cool!'

Eliza raised her eyebrows in surprise, "When did this happen? I didn't hear about any fights that the Avengers were called to over the weekend." Though, I was working for half of it trying to get in touch with said hero and then staring despondently at Netflix for the rest of it when I couldn't.

After a few moments of typing, he replied. 'Saturday!! I can show you the video'

At Eliza's nod, he started searching YouTube for it. She took a moment to glance again at Zeki and Carly who were still playing Princes and Princesses. They'd moved from playing hide-and-seek through the castle to a royal tea party in the main room on the 'second floor' (i.e. on the bed rather than the floor).  

It didn't take long before Jeremy had found his video and her attention was brought back to him.

It was a very shaky shot at first, all blurred and out of focus. It was equally likely that the cameraman was either in a rush to get away from the danger, or in a hurry to catch some of the action (self preservation more often than not came after taking the chance to catch the action for the chance of a viral video of the heroes). After a few seconds of the of the blurred sidewalk, the camera's view shifted to a smoky version of the New York skyline, with Stark Tower reaching towards the sky and the Empire State Building in the distance. Rubble from nearby buildings littered the roads and people took shelter in various shops, nooks, and crannies around the street for what seemed to be an almost monthly occurrence at this point.

For a moment, the only sounds that could be made out were voices calling out to take cover or directions for the closest shelter, but then a low whine could be heard getting louder. The camera turned towards the sound and a dark spot in the sky could be seen getting larger, presumably as whatever it was got closer and closer coming from the direction of Stark Tower.

Suddenly, a loud crack and groan drew the cameraman's attention to the right, causing the camera to jostle and then move in that direction. The crack had been from the impact of a large body being thrown into a mess of steel frames outlining a construction site, which, by itself, was disturbing enough despite it having reptilian features and being almost twice the size of a human. Anything described as reptilian while being the size that it was had no business being in this century, let alone taking down construction sites.

As soon as the figure was there, it was gone. A brief shout from the cameraman and a pan to the left showed it had been yanked away and stuck to a wall across the street by what appeared to be a spider's web. A blue and red clad figure swung through the air in the direction of the disturbing lizard-man.

The camera was able to get a surprisingly good view of the swinging form as it passed. For the briefest of moments, it captured the black webbed pattern through the red and blue, and even managed to pick up a few fuzzy tears in the fabric wear blood seeped through. Again, almost as soon as the figure was there, it was gone, swinging up to meet the bad guy of the day head on.

Right behind him, a reddish-gold blur followed, streaking through the air and leaving a trail of smoke behind it. It went by too fast to get a good look at it, but as it got closer to Spider Man and the lizard-man on the side of the structure, it slowed down enough to make out the shape of a very humanoid robot.

The video ended on a frame of Spider Man swinging through the air just as the lizard-man broke free and launched himself up and into the air, Iron Man close behind the newer hero and ready to lend a hand.

It was still quite grainy but a really picturesque screenshot nonetheless and Eliza figured it would be used as a lock screen by many of the superheroes' fans around the world.

Ironman’s assistance brought up a question that she had actually been meaning to find out.

"Does this mean that Spider Man's an Avenger?" She asked the little fan.

After some frantic typing, Jeremy answered, 'No, he just stays in New York. Iron Man offered but he said no :('. At this, Eliza just hummed.

Then, an idea.

New York was Spider Man's base of operations? Perfect.

She'd just found her next contact.

------------------

Her Friday morning found her on a bus to New York City.

The trip to New York was a long and tedious one.

The bus routes from New Jersey to Manhattan were all painfully convoluted and each had their fair share of congestion issues so the total trip took 3 bus changes and roughly five and a half hours.

She'd planned on arriving at the city midmorning so that she'd have a greater chance to walk around and spot the vigilante throughout the day, but she ended up arriving after lunch thanks to a particularly nasty pile up on the freeway just outside the city.

Tumbling out of the bus, she thanked whatever god was around that day that the ride was finished.

She had just spent four and a half hours, shoved right next to a guy who looked like he had spent a night out on the town and smelt of piss, vomit and other bodily fluid she really didn't want to think about. To make it worse, the woman in front of her turned out to be a very loud Karen who had decided that this was to be the bus trip where it would be most beneficial to inform everyone in her general vicinity of the conspiracy theories she had heard of recently. God forbid anyone try to correct her though. Oh no, that would send her on a rant lasting another one of the four hours they were all stuck together and Eliza prayed fervently that no one made that mistake again.

Then, she started to declare that she was being discriminated against because the elderly woman in one of the front rows didn't give Karen the seat and the lady 'had a walker with her so surely she could sit on that!'.

Frick that lady.

Anyway, thankfully that ride from hell was over.

Standing in the middle of the bustling New York sidewalk, however, she realised that she forgot to think of a very important detail.

She had no idea how exactly she was going to go about contacting Spiderman.

Theoretically, she knew that he stayed around the queens area, but that only narrowed it down to about a hundred square miles of the city.

Thankfully her last bus had taken her right into the centre of Queens so she decided to wander around for a bit at least. She hadn't been to New York city before so she figured she'd do a bit of sight seeing and hope to see Spidey at some stage.

This method proved to be enjoyable for a time, and she had great fun taking pictures of 'Queens: Home of the Amazing Spiderman'. However, after three hours of seeing the sights but not seeing any signs of Spider Man, she was starting to get a bit antsy.

She had realised before she'd even set out that she most likely wouldn't see him on the first day, after all it was barely four o'clock in the afternoon and she was pretty certain he had a day job that took up his daylight hours. She'd hyped herself up for the encounter for most of the day though, and it was still a bit of a disappointment regardless of the logic.

Six hours of wandering later she admitted defeat. Friday was a bust, but she had high hopes for the weekend.

Sadly, Saturday turned out similarly to the previous day; some lovely sightseeing and tourist opportunities she hadn't had time for the previous day and no Spidey sighting. She had tried asking people around the area if they knew how or where she could find Spiderman but they'd mostly given her a brief, very judgy, once-over and a very generalised 'He sticks to Queens mostly.', or 'he's usually out around this time.', or the most useful one of all; 'if you need him, he'll find you.'

She couldn't say she blamed them for being hesitant to explain. She was a somewhat short, gangly, woman, who looked more like a teenager with her scruffy backpack and wide rimmed glasses than her actual 22 years, and very obviously not from New York. Hell, the locals probably got fangirls that looked similar to her looking for Spiderman on a weekly basis.

Honestly, she admired their loyalty to their local vigilante, it just made it a bit more difficult to do what she came there for. She hadn't lasted 3 months, over 20 phone calls, an eternity on the bus ride from hell, and two days of wandering around, just to be stumped by some city searching though, so she marched on.

It was late Sunday afternoon and many glances down suspicious alleyways later that Eliza had a breakthrough in her search for the local vigilante. It came in the form of a group of drunk guys and an ignored catcall (which the aforementioned drunk guys apparently took as a challenge).

She hadn't thought much of just ignoring the tottering group as she'd passed them, it was after all an unfortunately common experience and not the first time that day, let alone weekend. What wasn't a common experience, however, was the sound of uneven foot steps and increasingly boisterous attempts at getting her attention as she moved down the street.

It wasn't quite dark yet but it didn't take away from the rising sense of panic that sped up both her heartrate and her steps. Interestingly enough, her increased speed didn't deter the group, if anything it seemed to encourage them. She cursed her lack of knowledge of the area, avoiding looking at Google maps in order to keep her eyes on her environment.

After a few blocks of power walking, an ill-timed red light and road work stopped her in her tracks and allowed the group to catch up with her.

"Heey girl!" One drawled.  "Come on, we just wanna say hi."

His friend stumbled along beside him slurring "Yeah, why ya gotta be so ru-ude? Juss' tryna give a compl'm-nt!" He hiccoughed and slumped just a bit more on another in the group.

She kept her eyes trained forward, directed to the traffic light but just out of focus enough to observe the drunken antics on her peripheral. She knew New York city was famous for its creeps but this was getting out of hand. Just the situation she was hoping to avoid; Alone at night with a group of men following her.

Sure, Spider Man patrolled this area, but she'd seen neither hide nor hair – nor web – of the guy in the days she'd been here and she wasn't too thrilled about putting her safety on the line to just have a slim chance of seeing him.

Her silence seemed to just egg the guys on, encouraging them to get closer and more obnoxious. What had previously been at a distance was now up close and within reach. Her hands tightened on her bag straps and her breath stuttered as she noticed their movements tilting towards her, stopping just short of actually touching.

Everything was just slightly out of focus as the sun was almost completely gone by now, leaving only the glow of the street lights and the pin-pricked lights of the passing cars to provide an eerie illumination of her entourage. It put her on edge more than it would have in the daylight, even if there were just as many people lining the street. No one had come to her aid, and most likely wouldn't have in the daylight either, so she resigned herself to tensely waiting for the change of traffic signal. The feeling of hyperawareness was a feeling that would linger and probably leave her too agitated to sleep that night.

"C'mon girl!" A third guy crooned patronisingly, propping his drooping friend up from a stumble. "Just give us a smile!"

Just to spite him, she scowled.

"Awww! Look! She can hear us!" Another hollered. "Smile! C'mon, smile! You'd look soooo much prettier! At leeast say hellloooo!"

The beeping of the crosswalk signal was her saviour in that moment and as soon as she heard it, she was off, practically jogging across the road. Unfortunately, that just happened to be the moment that someone decided that they were above the road rules for driving and that they needed to run a red light. Directly towards the crosswalk she was running across.

She was two steps off the sidewalk and mid-step when she heard a scream behind her and caught a brief glimpse of headlights to her left before she realised her mistake. Years of listening to her mother drill into her to look both directions before crossing the road flashed in her mind.

Everything seemed to fall into slow motion as she turned her head towards the light, the dark shadow behind the lights loomed closer and closer. She felt her eyes widen and her foot move through the air as if through molasses for split second and she had only a moment before a thought flashed through her mind.

Well...damn.  

A sudden weight crashing into her diaphragm punched the air from her lungs and caused her head to snap forward and her legs to trail in her wake as she flew through the air. She instinctively shut her eyes and tensed at the impact, the pain from the car taking a moment to register to her shocked mind, though the wind at her back as she flew through the air was mildly soothing. She was pretty sure that when she crashed into the ground, the pain would come through and be even worse.

A few seconds passed and, when she didn't feel the jagged impact on the ground and the wind continued to whistle past her ears and whip up her hair into what was going to be a definite birds nest, she realised  that the impact she had felt wasn't the front bumper of a car but instead an arm. It was an arm that had apparently swung out of nowhere and was still wrapped securely around her torso as it, or rather they, swung through the air and away from the middle of the street she was nearly flattened in.

She looked down at the arm and saw a sliver of red and blue...just before her eyes noted the fact that they were approximately four to five storeys above the ground and going faster than the cars below them. She would have screamed but her breath caught in her throat as they started dropping and getting closer and closer to the pavement below so she contented herself with clutching at the only lifeline she had. She briefly hoped that she hadn't left finger shaped bruises on her saviour's arm in her panic (as she was sure that would be poor rescue etiquette) but she realised later that, considering he dealt with troublemakers such as the Rhino and Electro, bruises would most likely be fine, if not non-existent.  

As they swung, she could faintly hear a consistent stream of chatter coming from behind her. The voice sounded young, excited and carefree.

"It's ok ma'am, I got you. Just hold on and we'll be on the ground before you know it." He whooped when they crested another swing - contrasting her own urge to either puke or scream - and continued the stream of babble as the wind rushed past her ears. She thought she heard a few questions, but she didn't answer on account of the mild terror thrumming through her veins.

They touched down in front of a well lit strip mall surprisingly lightly considering they were going over 30 miles an hour less than a minute beforehand. Eliza was glad for the iron grip maintaining its hold on her after their landing as she knew she would be a shaky puddle on the floor had she been placed down and let go of immediately. She locked her knees to prevent them from crumpling and took a moment to breathe and mentally kiss the ground beneath her.

The arm around her slowly pulled away when she stayed standing so she slowly turned around to make eye contact with her rescuer. Well... Eye-to-mask eye contact. Her heart practically beat out of her chest from nerves and whether it was because of the drunk guys, the near death experience, or from simply meeting one of the famous heroes, she wasn't sure. Truth be told, the combination of all three would probably give her a heart attack if she took the time to think about it.

She had barely turned around before she was being spoken to by the figure in the famous red and blue costume, his hands coming up to steady her as she stumbled back slightly from being closer then she'd thought.

"Oh my gosh! That was a close one! That car came out of nowhere, are you ok?" She nodded, tongue still stuck on the roof of her mouth, not that it seemed to matter to the superhero. He seemed pretty content to talk a million miles an hour even without her input. "You look alright. I mean, the swinging can be a bit terrifying the first time you do it, but better that than being hit by the car." The eyes on his mask narrowed a bit and he tilted his head slightly to the side. "Actually, you look a bit pale and Karen says yo-I mean, I think you might be going into shock. Here sit down for a bit."

She was gently nudged to a set of stairs and she sat down gratefully.

"Thanks Spider Man." She sighed and relaxed as much as she could onto the cold concrete.

"No problem!" He replied. She couldn't really tell because of his mask, but it sounded like he was grinning.

"Bloody hell." Eliza sighed again, dropping her head into her hands and resting her elbows on her knees. "That's the last time I cross the road without looking, even if I do need to get away from creeps."

"Yeah, checking the road is always a good idea." Spider Man agreed. "As for the creeps, you could try carrying around some pepper spray?" She snorted.

"Yeah, like looking down and rummaging through my bag is a good idea when surrounded. Aren't you supposed to suggest I keep my eyes and ears alert, avoid badly lit locations, and always walk with a friend?"

Now it was his turn to splutter. "W-well yeah... I guess that would kinda defeat the purpose of keeping your eyes on your surroundings." He scratched his head almost sheepishly before continuing, his tone turning fervent. "It is useful if you happen to be able to get it though! I once saw this lady spray this guy in the face and he was still rolling on the ground after I came back to check on him after I walked the lady home! I didn't realise how useful the pepper sprays were until that day!"  

Eliza could only grin at his earnestness. She could already feel the erratic beat of her heart calm into a more sedate pace and her breathing even out as they spoke. It was great to see someone trying their best to help and give advice on staying safe, all hints of superiority absent in his tone.

"If you're feeling better, would you like me to walk you home?" He asked suddenly. The offer made Eliza release some extra tension she didn't realised she still had.

She nodded. "That would be great actually. I'm staying in a hotel somewhere around here."

"Cool, I can definitely take you back!" He was already standing and excitedly bouncing. Geez, he had a lot of energy. "What hotel are you staying in?" When she told him, he nodded again. "Ok, that's not far from here. Do you feel alright enough to start walking?"

"Sure. I could do with a really hot bath right about now." Eliza said, taking Spider Man's hand he offered as she spoke. She idly ran her hand through her tangled hair. "And a brush by the feels of it."

Spider Man laughed and they started walking down the street.

"So where are you from?" He asked.  

"I'm visiting from New Jersey." She paused, realising suddenly that this is her chance. She took a deep breath. "I, uh, actually came to New York to find out if you could help me with something." Spider Man turned to her and with his face covered she couldn’t tell if he wanted her to continue or not. So she too another breath and continued anyway. "You see, I've been trying to get in touch with a superhero, any superhero, for a few months now and I haven't had any luck. I've met you though today so... yay!" Jazz hands added for good measure. "I could have done without the almost-getting-run-over part, but hey, if it means I get to finally ask you about seeing the kids then I'll take it I suppose."

She really could have done without the 'almost getting assaulted and then flattened' part of the evening but considering he hadn't outright declined immediately, she was counting it as a win.

He continued to stare at her, making Eliza desperate for a verbal response as she could not read his reactions with his bloody mask on. "Well, it'll depend what it is. If you want my help to take over the world, I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else." He said playfully. Eliza laughed, almost in relief.

"No nothing like that." She said waving her hand. "Just want some help making a couple of kids' remaining years enjoyable."  At this, Spider Man seemed to take more of a keen interest so she elaborated. "I work with the Make-A-Wish Foundation and I have a couple of kids who would love to meet a superhero." Her tone had turned soft as it usually did when she was talking about the kids.

He seemed to perk up even more, if that was even possible. "Oh really? That's so cool! I mean, it's really cool that you thought of me! I'd love to meet the kids! I'd have to run it by Mr. Sta- I mean, Tony, but it should be fine!" He was almost shaking now and she could practically see the excitement rolling off him in waves. When his words registered though, she couldn't help but sag a little in relief.

"Awesome. It's been a long few days." she said with a chuckle, rubbing her temples while trying to keep her eyes on him just in case he disappeared. "You're really hard to find."

Spiderman tilted his head to the side as they walked, "Really? I thought there was, like, an Instagram or Facebook page following me?" He said, making it sound more like a question than a statement. Eliza stared at him for a moment and he rubbed his head. "I can't remember if there's a twitter page, but I know for certain that there's an Instagram page that likes to keep up with me and they do a surprisingly good job of it too." Eliza mentally facepalmed. Of course social media would have the answers. Spidey fans have some of the best content and the most up-to-date info on their hero (second only to Tony Stark and that's only because Mr. Stark's been around longer and is a literal billionaire) since the Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman is so directly active in his community.

"Oh. Right. I completely forgot about that." Came her tired sigh. "Geez, I feel like such a failure of a millenial. I mean, what kind of millennial forgets about bloody Twitter and Instagram?"  

Spider Man laughed quietly, "It's fine. I know a few people at sc-work... who aren't on social media. Not many, but a few." After a moment, he asked, "So what are the kids like? Is Spider Man their favourite Superhero? I know I'm only kind of an Avenger, so it's cool they want to meet me!"

She snorted, "Are you kidding? Only 'kind of an Avenger'? Your battle last week with the lizard guy was on Youtube and you were working so well with Iron Man! One of the kids was practically vibrating out of his seat in excitement when he was showing me."

"Oh, you mean the one with both Mr. Stark and me going past? Yeah, that was a pretty good shot of us, we looked so cool at the end, it even stopped on a cool pose!"

As he continued enthusiastically, Eliza giggled. He almost reminded her of some of the kids. Energetic, easy to entertain and constantly bouncing between topics. Idly, she wondered how old Spider Man was. He didn't sound much older than her, and his energy....

"You know, Mr. Stark might be interested in meeting them too. I know he goes to a lot of charity functions." Eliza thought she heard him mumble, "He sure complains about them often enough." But she wasn't sure.

The comment made her crash back into the present. She felt her shoulders slump.

"Yeah. I tried getting in touch with him through the Maria Stark Foundation, but it didn't work out."

Spider Man seemed to frown at her tone, made obvious only by the slight narrowing of his eye lens things. "Really? How come?"

Sighing, she recounted her long and overly complicated phone journey through the bureaucratic chain of the Maria Stark Foundation and Stark Industries, followed by her brief but greatly disappointing interaction with Mr. Michael Walters. She was pretty positive this was going well and she could see her hotel across the street now so she let herself relax a bit. Suddenly feeling drained and really tired, she had to stop herself from stumbling the last of the distance to the building.

"I mean, it's understandable I suppose, the security that is. I get that Mr. Stark has a lot of enemies and I want what's best for the kids, so the safer the better." As she finished, she realised she probably sounded a bit whiny to one of the superheros that the safety protocols directly affected. At this point of the night however, she didn't have it in her to care all that much, not to mention, Spider Man was nodding encouragingly beside her. "At the same time though, I'm on a...bit of a time limit, you could say."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just, one of the kids I'm organising the meeting for has a progressive illness and, to be honest..." She paused, sadness filling her as she fiddled with the frayed end of her jacket's sleeve.

They'd come up to the main entrance to her hotel by now and she momentarily contemplated if it was really a good idea to bring it up, but she was fast running out of fucks to give and desperately wanted something good to come out of this hell-trip, "it's just...not very likely he'd make it the 18 months Mr. Walters said we had to wait. If anything, we're not sure if he'll make it to the end of this month."

Silence.

She looked at him and she saw him staring at her, lenses wide and standing eerily still beside her, his head cocked to the side.

After a moment, all he said was, "You know what? I'll talk to Mr. Stark. I'll see what we can do." And he swung away. Staring at the empty space beside her, it took a second for her to realise she was suddenly alone again. She hadn't even given him her number.

Still in shock and with fatigue starting to sit heavily on her bones, she shook herself and made her way toward the door, numbly figuring she was going to have to think of a different way to meet another superhero.

Eliza only had to wait two days before her life-risking journey paid off.

[aurantia-ignis]

First impression

That fuchsia is terrifyingly saturated, why is it so saturated. Actually every character in this game is terrifyingly saturated. ^^; This designer just wants everything to be saturated and bright lol

Impression now

He’s potentially a good boy with all of the set up and his supposed character development IF ONLY THEY MANAGED TO DO IT PROPERLY. I very much enjoy him as a character though =D

Favorite moment

When Rose was all “You screwed up kid, get out of my house” and he was all “DDDDDD:!!!!” and I’m just excitedly going YES because there’s the character development arc I’ve been anticipating for him! <3

Idea for a story

I don’t have any ideas for continuations, but I DO have a lot of ideas for… fix-it fics =w=;;

Because Bede, like Hop (and basically half the Galar crew), had so much potential already written in the game, but he was never allowed to fully reach it. Instead, he was given funny, barely logical scenes to end his supposed character development.

To sum up the points of Bede’s character arc in game: (under a read more)

- Bede was an orphan whom Rose took a minor shine to. He gave him a pokemon and endorsed him. Bede threw himself into the life of a trainer, working hard to gain the approval of Rose

- Oleana orders him to collect Wishing Stars for Rose, and he does so, to the point of doing bad things like destroying an important mural. Rose disowns him, kicks him out of the gym challenge. Bede is devastated and has an existential crisis.

- Opal picks him up because she sees that he is Pink

- Opal starts training Bede ‘harshly’ to succeed her as the Fairy gym leader. Bede put aside Gothorita and Duosion in favour of Fairy type pokemon.

- When he sees the player character, he pleads for a chance to fight them because he thinks that ‘ever since he met said character things have gone wrong’. Even though the player character has done absolutely nothing except defeat Bede in various battles. Bede wants to risk his entire career as a trainer on the battle, promising to retire if he loses.

- Bede loses, and the audience cheers him on asking him to continue. Bede does so as the Fairy Gym Leader.

The problems I have are:

(1) Him just abandoning his psychic pokemon in favour of the fairy aesthetic. One of Gen VIII’s biggest failing, I feel, is how the pokemon, in general, seem more an accessory to the plot than a part of the plot itself. Everyone says they love pokemon, but how many times is that actually shown in what they do?

Both Hop and Bede are shown to abandon their original team mates, and while Hop goes back to use Dubwool and Corviknight, Bede never does. And if he continues his life as the fairy gym leader, he never will (unless he does like Raihan, which. Hey GF, if Raihan is allowed to have a non-dragon Torkoal why can’t Bede use his psychic mons??). And while you might argue ‘Oh they’re just living in Ballonlea with him, he still loves them’, imagine how it feels for the two of them. Having fought with Bede for so long, aiming to become the best trainer with him, protecting him and supporting his goals, suddenly they’re relegated to ‘pet’ status instead of being his battle partners, while he goes off fighting with his fairies. Of course, maybe his mons are happier enjoying the pampered life, but still… The possibility exists. :’(

(2) Bede never gets a chance to play any part in the battle against Eternatus, despite having been a part of bringing that about. His role is supposed to be a pawn used by the villain, who gets a redemption arc, but honestly, it would be a much stronger narrative if Bede is given the chance to make decisions towards his own redemption, instead of being dragged into it by someone else (especially when the way Opal does it looks very much like she isn’t giving him a choice).

(3) Staking his entire career as a trainer sounds like Great Determination, but the fact is, him stepping down a trainer has absolutely no impact on anyone (except his pokemon, poor souls) and is therefore pointless as a threat.

Now, if you’ve gotten to this part, it might sound like I dislike Bede, but I don’t! I actually really like the potential he carries, and I think he’s got a fascinating story and personality! With that said, here’s how I would have wanted to see his character arc executed:

- Bede was an orphan whom Rose took a minor shine to. He gave him a pokemon and endorsed him. Bede threw himself into the life of a trainer, working hard to gain the approval of Rose. His team included Hatenna and Ralts.

- Oleana orders him to collect Wishing Stars for Rose, and he does so, to the point of doing bad things like destroying an important mural. Rose disowns him, kicks him out of the gym challenge. Bede is devastated and has an existential crisis.

- Opal picks him up because she sees that he is Pink (but also she briefly saw him in gym battles and knows that he uses two Fairy/Psychic pokemon). Bede puts up more of an argument along the lines of ‘I don’t know you, you’re weird, just leave me be, I am a failure’, and Opal tells him ‘you can sit here and sulk, or you can come with me and I will MAKE you a success’. Bede is hesitant and uncertain, but chooses to go with her in the end.

- Opal starts training Bede ‘harshly’ to succeed her as the Fairy gym leader. Bede is pushed, but also shown true kindness for the first time in his life. (As the player character, you see him and Opal in Ballonlea in a small cutscene)

- Rose and Eternatus happens. Feeling guilty that he had collected half of the wishing stars that contributed to its awakening, Bede runs away from Ballonlea and goes to the tower. Despite his efforts, he loses to Oleana/Rose, which is where Hop and the player character come in. When player character talks to him, he apologises and asks them to stop Rose and Eternatus.

- After Eternatus events clear up, before the battle with Leon, Bede asks player character for a battle (in the stadium?), because he thinks that having run away from Ballonlea, Opal won’t want to be bothered with him, so he needs a chance to prove that he’s of some use to somebody.

- Bede loses, but Opal has been watching their battle. She pokes him with her umbrella for running away, but praises him for his use of his fairies, and a few other unexpected spectators also cheer for him and how he showed off the fairies. Bede agrees to go back to Ballonlea and continue as the Fairy Gym Leader.

Bede’s character arc was always based on the fact that he wanted to be acknowledged, to gain approval, to be loved like he had never been before, and I’d really have loved to see it come to a satisfying close.

Unpopular opinion

Everything I said above I guess? HAHA. Maybe the fact that he often seems to be seen as the Mean Rival stereotype, but he actually has elements that could have made him shine. He’s unrepentantly mean, he thinks he’s better than everyone which reflects in his attitude and design. Even as a fairy trainer he has a mean streak (which is cool because fae are known to be mean too =D).

I love the fact that he realises he doesn’t need to be the most powerful to be loved; that he finds that measure of peace, which later reflects in the fact that he evolved Sylveon (a mon that evolves from affection). He still wants to beat the player character, but not because he thinks that it’s the only way he can be loved. Rather, it stems from his own desire to be strong, and to show off fairy type pokemon, because after spending time with Opal, he had realised that he does love what he’s doing as gym leader.

Unfortunately the story screwed him over by not committing and giving him the closure he needed in his arc. ;w; Poor Bede.

Favorite relationship

With no one, because none of it was allowed to properly flourish ;w; But I’d have liked Opal and Bede’s relationship if it had been written well! I really, really do like the concept of it ;w;

Favorite headcanon

Everything I said above again LOL. Uhhh I guess on the subject of Pokemon, I’d either have liked him to not have Gothorita and Duosion at all, or he gets to use them in his gym battles like Raihan and Torkoal, or just take out the Psychic pokemon part entirely and he always had a liking for Fairy types, which is another reason why Opal took an interest in him.

(*Special thanks to artpharos for helping to get some of my thoughts out more clearly!)

[tomhiddleslove]

There's no denying that Tom Hiddleston’s got range. He’s done Shakespeare, played a swaggering action hero, depressive romantic vampire, and an Asgardian anti-hero. But you might not be familiar with his fruitful early collaborations with The Souvenir director Joanna Hogg, whose minimal aesthetic would seem to run counter to Hiddleston’s flashier roles. In fact, Hogg ‘discovered’ Hiddleston, who had only starred in TV movies and serials before being cast at 25 in her debut feature, 2007’s Unrelated, where he plays the older woman protagonist’s tenuous love interest, Oakley.

Centered on Anna, a married forty-something, Unrelated is about a sort of mid-life crisis when the structures that dictate middle-life seem to break down. In this case, it’s a shaky marriage back in London that sends Anna to Tuscany to join her long-time friend’s family retreat. Turned off by the drab married couples her own age, she gravitates towards the younger people. There’s cruelty to his insular hedonism, but Anna is nevertheless drawn to Oakley’s vivacity and mild suggestiveness.

Oakley is calculating, arrogant, magnetic and unhinged in the way only monied youth can be. He’s eager to prove his liberation, recklessly driving a borrowed car through sun-kissed pastures as if in a music video, and quick to bury the fault following the inevitable crash. Used to commanding his underlings, in Anna he sees the opportunity for a novel type of seduction. At the dinner table he’s fascinated with Anna’s confessions of teenage rebellion, measuring her up before later challenging her into taking shots, smoking spliffs, and communing in his mayhem.

His staid, self-serious father challenges his fledgling alpha male status. When he expresses concern over his son’s smoking, Oakley retorts with aristocratic bravado: “I’d say it was none of your business, sir!” These moments of defiance happen constantly, and Hiddleston captures his exploits with the satisfaction of an unbroken winning streak in a game of chance.

Part boy part man, Oakley’s body language suggests juvenile restlessness, slouching to suggest boredom or indifference, or shot through with adrenaline as he pushes a shopping cart in full sprint. Often bare-chested, or donning an unbuttoned white shirt, he wields his physicality intimately and with playful ambiguity. He leans dubiously close into Anna while reaching over the breakfast table, takes hold of her bikini-clad body as a shield in a mud-slinging battle. The build-up to a physical encounter is nearly certain, but when Anna invites him to spend the night with her, he’s uninterested. His lips curl up to a broad, knowing smile, and with faux-gentile airs declares, “I’d better not,” effectively ending whatever romance presumed.

Hogg’s next feature, 2010’s Archipelago, focuses on Hiddleston’s Edward, who is older, more sympathetic, and lacking Oakley’s punkish tendencies. He is, however, similarly affluent and scrambling to assert a self-fashioned identity. Edward is heading to Africa for nine months as a volunteer sex educator, prompting a reunion with his family at their home in the Scilly Isles. He intends to make a difference even if his efforts only impact a single child, he explains enthusiastically at a mountainside picnic to an unmoved audience. His mother is skeptical, and his neurotic sister, Cynthia, is bitter at her brother’s morally superior whims.

Edward’s neat sweaters and tightly wound scarves mockingly suggest an incompatibility with the demands of African volunteer work. Nevertheless, he assumes a certain rarefied worldly purview of material indifference and generosity. A spat breaks out when he suggests they invite Rose, the pretty in-house cook, to join them for dinner. Cynthia maintains that Rose is an employee and uninterested in such a gesture, which escalates into a heated string of personal attacks.And so the drama unfolds, as a slow picking apart of the family’s dysfunctions through the observational gaze of Hogg’s camera, which seems to stumble upon at-first-glance banal interactions to reveal hidden vulnerabilities.

Archipelago marks the peak of Hiddleston’s naturalistic abilities, accentuated all the more because Hogg is not one to explain away the mystery of her characters. Edward is sweet and well-intentioned, but he’s also mired with self-doubt, and his silence speaks more to his conflicted state of mind than his conversation. As he reads a letter from Rose signalling her early departure, Hiddleston’s mouth forms a guilty pout. His gaze is gentle and solemn as he reflects on the clear violence that exists between his family, indicating regret and resignation to undisclosed ends off-screen.

Hiddleston’s minor role as chic real estate broker in 2013’s Exhibition is like a seamless, mature version of Oakley and Edward. Nameless, his character assuredly gesticulates with one hand as he explains the showing process, his body leaning back against a chair in cocksure relaxation. Meanwhile D, one of the home sellers, leans anxiously against the table as she lists off her concerns. Hiddleston’s scenes make up less than 10 minutes of the film’s runtime, but his role carries shades of Oakley’s self-amused spunk minus the desperation. There’s a sleek, dry humour to Hiddleston’s fully-formed real estate agent, who’s skilled in delivering cringe-inducing news to his clients in a suave manner.

This trifecta of performances would seem to trace Hiddleston’s on-screen coming-of-age, from rambunctious student to twentysomething in the throes of existential crisis to manicured business type. An air of performative sophistication runs through these performances, whether it be for impressing a woman, expressing commitment to a set of values, or putting skeptical clients at ease. Hiddleston does pomp and cool well, but his work with Hogg shows this as a work of compensation, adding a delicate layer of humanity beneath the veneer.

[a-crimson-lion]

Strengths... and Weaknesses

I think an appropriate phrase for this post would be:

"Lord forgive me... I'm back on my bullsh*t."

Anyone who's been viewing my tumblr recently knows of my excessive hatred for one Katsuki Bakugo. I have stated time and time again that he's a gigantic asshole who only managed to tone it down a notch or two as of late. He might be the slightest bit more tolerable then he was at the start (I'm not the type to say that Katsuki had no development; I'm the type to say his development is there, but it's slow and poorly executed), but he's still overall an asshole.

In fact, before I start this post, I want to make a few things clear on where I still currently stand with Katsuki, as a person who has only seen up to Season 3 of the anime and read up to the Shie Hassaikai Arc in the manga.

First off, let's address one of the more triggering parts of the series: Katsuki's suicide instigation. Horikoshi has apparently stated that he "went too far" with Katsuki in the first chapter of the manga, and for me and maybe a few others, that sounds like if Horikoshi was given the option, he might have written out that scene entirely. Well, okay then, I understand that much; I mean, Katsuki was never that level of harsh once the story started to really kick off. So what does that change?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

From where I stand, even if you ignore or flat out rewrite Katsuki telling Izuku to kill himself out of the story, that still doesn't change the fact that Katsuki is still a terrible person with very little development. He still bullied Izuku since they were kids. He still burned his notebook and threatened Izuku while burning his school uniform to not go to U.A. He attempted to harm Izuku on their first day at U.A., and during the Battle Trial, used a highly dangerous piece of support gear which could have very much killed Izuku (instead of, you know, using the capture tape?). He's still anti-social as all hell, which isn't a crime in and of itself until you realize that being a hero requires at least some form of cooperation. Even Eraserhead, an underground hero (which is probably as potentially anti-social as you can get) still at the very least has to work with other Pros and the authorities with some level of respectful communication. Katsuki's on his way to becoming the second Endeavor (which, depending on how the latter's redemption pans out, might be even worse than before).

That last bit is probably more the fault of my second grievence: the narrative coddles him too much. Yes, being consistently kidnapped by villains is very much not okay and is probably very traumatising, but that doesn't mean he's realizing he's becoming a better person. After the sludge incident, he didn't bother Izuku because he was too occupied with his own inferiority complex; he was angry at himself for not being "strong enough," and spent his time up to the entrance exam stewing in his insecurities. While at U.A., he gets no form of proper addressment for his actions. Eraserhead is willing to restrain Katsuki, but he won't expel him, or at the very least talk to him. Katsuki goes volatile during the Battle Trial, but no one discusses and addresses how much excessive force he uses. During the final exam, Katsuki isn't docked for his initial inability to cooperate and the fact that it took a literal punch to the face to begin doing such, and even then, Izuku caried his already beaten body past the gate, which means he technically passed. He should have been failed for his actions, maybe the villains wouldn't have been able to kidnap him during the Training Camp arc. Speaking of which, why doesn't he go back to camp and save his classmates the trouble? He just wants to fight, and this simple-minded desire ends up getting him kidnapped. And what does he learn from that kidnapping? Again, "he's weak." No introspection on his behavior except for a minor one before Deku vs Kacchan 2. No discussing his actions because he can't bring himself to be the bigger man and just talk to All Might. No, he has to bring out Izuku in the middle of the night and pummel him, and we're supposed to feel sorry for the kid because he's going through an existential crisis. Which I would feel bad, had it not been for the fact that it could have been avoided, AND his behavior aside, he's going through all the wrong coping methods. I don't care if he only knows how to express himself with violence, that fact alone warrants heaps upon heaps of propery therapy, NOT FURTHER VIOLENCE.

Before I officially take a complete dive into "anti" territory, let's look at one last thing.

Remember after Kamino Ward when Katsuki had Denki electrocute himself and he gave Eijiro some money as compensation for spending it on some fancy binoculars. Well, some of the antis I've seen have claimed the money was stolen from Denki. Personally, I don't see it. I can see Katsuki causing Denki to electrocute himself to show his begrudging care for his fellow classmates (even if it's still trying to grow). I can see Katsuki giving Eijiro money for his troubles, even if it's a blow to Katsuki's pride. I just can't see Katsuki stealing money from other people. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's not a thief. His morals are warped, not corrupted beyond the point of redemption.

Okay, so what dud I really want to talk about? Oh, right: Katsuki's obsession with strength.

We see this about three times in the manga. The first time is when Katsuki is saved by All Might at the USJ. He quickly dismisses Izuku's praise of him dodging because he didn't dodge: All Might pushed him out of danger. He won't take credit for a feat he didn't do. This segues into the second instance: his fight with Shoto. He wants Shoto to go all out in order to prove once and for all that he's the strongest in their class. Only Shoto is going through personal issues that Katsuki knows about because he eavesdropped. Even when Shoto manages to releaae his flames, he quickly snuffs them out because change is gradual; he still has to get used to the new implications of using his fire. (Sidenote: not an excuse for Katsuki's dickish behavior. Tenya and Shoto were initially percieved as assholes, and they managed to bridge that disconnect eons before Katsuki has.) Of course Katsuki's pissed at this, but I feel like he completely ignores Shoto's personal baggage and instead focuses soley on his physical strength. We'll get back to that later, but for now, let's move on to the third incident I can recall from the top of my head: Katsuki vs Setsuna. Remember that part of the Joint Training Arc where Katsuki saves Kyoka, because he FINALLY understands that saving people is important? Well, yes, but partially no. Katsuki didn't save Kyoka because of whatever goodness there was in his heart; he saved her because he thought getting a 4-0 victory was something worthy of the strongest heroes, and he even explicitly stated this. He's still focused on strength, and completely ignoring the more social aspects if heroism aside from prestige.

Remember after Deku vs Kacchan 2, where All Might says he focused too much on Katsuki's physical strength and not his emotional strength. Yeah, he's not the only one...

Katsuki himself never pays attention to the emotional side of himself. Years upon years of praise and his own decisions have led him to believe that his strong quirk and overall strengths are all he needs to become a hero. His brutal and excessive technique makes him a powerhouse to be reckoned with, but it also makes him predictably stubborn. Running away isn't an option, he has to duke it out with no remorse. The Number One Hero is about to curb stomp you? Don't run away and pass the test, try beating his ass and end up losing your lunch! Potentially dangerous villains trying to kidnap you? No worries, just keep fighting because you're a badass and no one tells you what to do- and oh, you got kidnapped. Even when confronting Izuku on his quirk, the possibility of Izuku getting his quirk for something other than physical prowess is a foreign concept for Katsuki. He ignores any and all chances of it being possibility, going so far as telling Izuku to shut up when he tries to explain himself, and even outright attacking Izuku after he tries deescalating the fight multiple times, only conceeding to Katsuki because he believes he's responsible for Katsuki to some extent (because Shonen Protagonist).

His obsession with strength is in character, but dear God it's getting old... and it's selfish.

Virtually everyone else trying to be a hero has a reason for getting stronger that isn't inherently to flaunt their superiority. Ochako? She wants to make money so her folks can rest easy. Tenya? He wants to live up to his family's legacy. Shoto? He wants to be able to protect his mom. Eijiro? He wants to be like his chivalrous idol, Crimson Riot. Izuku? He wants to get a better grasp on his quirk so he can save more people. Katsuki? He wants to prove that he's better than All Might from a physical standpoint, using the title of "Number One Hero" to elevate his status and earn the attention of everyone around him.

...see the disconnect?

I don't have a well thought out conclusion to this mess, so I'm just gonna close with this tidbit: Katsuki and Izuku sometimes do the same things for different reasons. Getting mad at Shoto? Izuku wants Shoto to go all out because everyone else is going all out, and he wants Shoto to move past his father's control; Katsuki wants Shoto to go all out because he wants to prove he's undoubtedly stronger. Idolizing All Might? Izuku admires All Might's ability to inspire and save people; Katsuki just pays attention to the physical strength and prestige, electing to ignore everything else. Saving people? Izuku saves people selflessly, with no inherent regard towards himself (he will gladly break a few bones or risk doing so just to save kids, for crying out loud); Katsuki only saves people because it strokes his own ego (the only time he ever truly went beyond was in an unnecessary fight against All Might; Two Heroes is the only exception). I'm pretty sure the list goes on.

I just hope that Katsuki learns somehow, some way, that physical strength isn't everything. Victory isn't everything. 'Cause if he doesn't, he's in for a world of hurt...

...and it's not gonna be something he can just explode and be done with.

-Crimson Lion (6 September 2019)

[insanityclause]

There’s no denying that Tom Hiddleston’s got range. He’s done Shakespeare, played a swaggering action hero, depressive romantic vampire, and an Asgardian anti-hero. But you might not be familiar with his fruitful early collaborations with The Souvenir director Joanna Hogg, whose minimal aesthetic would seem to run counter to Hiddleston’s flashier roles. In fact, Hogg ‘discovered’ Hiddleston, who had only starred in TV movies and serials before being cast at 25 in her debut feature, 2007’s Unrelated, where he plays the older woman protagonist’s tenuous love interest, Oakley.

Centered on Anna, a married forty-something, Unrelated is about a sort of mid-life crisis when the structures that dictate middle-life seem to break down. In this case, it’s a shaky marriage back in London that sends Anna to Tuscany to join her long-time friend’s family retreat. Turned off by the drab married couples her own age, she gravitates towards the younger people. There’s cruelty to his insular hedonism, but Anna is nevertheless drawn to Oakley’s vivacity and mild suggestiveness.

Oakley is calculating, arrogant, magnetic and unhinged in the way only monied youth can be. He’s eager to prove his liberation, recklessly driving a borrowed car through sun-kissed pastures as if in a music video, and quick to bury the fault following the inevitable crash. Used to commanding his underlings, in Anna he sees the opportunity for a novel type of seduction. At the dinner table he’s fascinated with Anna’s confessions of teenage rebellion, measuring her up before later challenging her into taking shots, smoking spliffs, and communing in his mayhem.

His staid, self-serious father challenges his fledgling alpha male status. When he expresses concern over his son’s smoking, Oakley retorts with aristocratic bravado: “I’d say it was none of your business, sir!” These moments of defiance happen constantly, and Hiddleston captures his exploits with the satisfaction of an unbroken winning streak in a game of chance.

Part boy part man, Oakley’s body language suggests juvenile restlessness, slouching to suggest boredom or indifference, or shot through with adrenaline as he pushes a shopping cart in full sprint. Often bare-chested, or donning an unbuttoned white shirt, he wields his physicality intimately and with playful ambiguity. He leans dubiously close into Anna while reaching over the breakfast table, takes hold of her bikini-clad body as a shield in a mud-slinging battle. The build-up to a physical encounter is nearly certain, but when Anna invites him to spend the night with her, he’s uninterested. His lips curl up to a broad, knowing smile, and with faux-gentile airs declares, “I’d better not,” effectively ending whatever romance presumed.

Hogg’s next feature, 2010’s Archipelago, focuses on Hiddleston’s Edward, who is older, more sympathetic, and lacking Oakley’s punkish tendencies. He is, however, similarly affluent and scrambling to assert a self-fashioned identity. Edward is heading to Africa for nine months as a volunteer sex educator, prompting a reunion with his family at their home in the Scilly Isles. He intends to make a difference even if his efforts only impact a single child, he explains enthusiastically at a mountainside picnic to an unmoved audience. His mother is skeptical, and his neurotic sister, Cynthia, is bitter at her brother’s morally superior whims.

Edward’s neat sweaters and tightly wound scarves mockingly suggest an incompatibility with the demands of African volunteer work. Nevertheless, he assumes a certain rarefied worldly purview of material indifference and generosity. A spat breaks out when he suggests they invite Rose, the pretty in-house cook, to join them for dinner. Cynthia maintains that Rose is an employee and uninterested in such a gesture, which escalates into a heated string of personal attacks.And so the drama unfolds, as a slow picking apart of the family’s dysfunctions through the observational gaze of Hogg’s camera, which seems to stumble upon at-first-glance banal interactions to reveal hidden vulnerabilities.

Archipelago marks the peak of Hiddleston’s naturalistic abilities, accentuated all the more because Hogg is not one to explain away the mystery of her characters. Edward is sweet and well-intentioned, but he’s also mired with self-doubt, and his silence speaks more to his conflicted state of mind than his conversation. As he reads a letter from Rose signalling her early departure, Hiddleston’s mouth forms a guilty pout. His gaze is gentle and solemn as he reflects on the clear violence that exists between his family, indicating regret and resignation to undisclosed ends off-screen.

Hiddleston’s minor role as chic real estate broker in 2013’s Exhibition is like a seamless, mature version of Oakley and Edward. Nameless, his character assuredly gesticulates with one hand as he explains the showing process, his body leaning back against a chair in cocksure relaxation. Meanwhile D, one of the home sellers, leans anxiously against the table as she lists off her concerns. Hiddleston’s scenes make up less than 10 minutes of the film’s runtime, but his role carries shades of Oakley’s self-amused spunk minus the desperation. There’s a sleek, dry humour to Hiddleston’s fully-formed real estate agent, who’s skilled in delivering cringe-inducing news to his clients in a suave manner.

This trifecta of performances would seem to trace Hiddleston’s on-screen coming-of-age, from rambunctious student to twentysomething in the throes of existential crisis to manicured business type. An air of performative sophistication runs through these performances, whether it be for impressing a woman, expressing commitment to a set of values, or putting skeptical clients at ease. Hiddleston does pomp and cool well, but his work with Hogg shows this as a work of compensation, adding a delicate layer of humanity beneath the veneer.

[happyhavnts]

did i just spot DIANA SILVERS around town ? oh no wait, it was just WILLOW BELL. rumor has it that she is the NINETEEN year old child of CLU from SO WEIRD. i’ve also heard that they’re WITTY and CLUELESS, and have ONE sibling.

Willow Bell is the child of Clu Bell and a woman that Clu met in college by the name of Summer.

The two fell in love rather quickly, caught up in a whirlwind romance. Summer had ambitions of becoming a famous world-renowned singer, Clu bonding with her over this due to his rather unconventional childhood.

After graduation, Clu set off with Summer to help her pursue her dreams and in the midst of all the excitement and promise surrounding her potential music career, she announced that she was pregnant. But this didn’t really put the brakes on anything, it only made them more enthusiastic about things.

Before long the two were creating a family with two children in tow, one of them being Willow.

Willow grew up on the road for the first portion of her childhood, not having many friends aside from the roadies who were forced to put up with the rather talkative little girl.

She was definitely a bit of a daddy’s girl, always attached to her father’s hip and listening to all the interesting stories that he had to tell from his own childhood. Stories of inexplicable paranormal encounters. This sparked her imagination and often caused her to get carried away, making up interesting stories of her own and passing them off as reality just to keep the interest of others.

When Willow was thirteen, her parents announced they were getting a divorce due to the fact that her mother felt as if they had lost all romance with the fast pace of their lives.

While Willow’s mother continued to tour and make music, Clu took both of his children and moved to be closer to his childhood best friends Fi and Jack.

Staying in one place for long initially felt weird to Willow, but she grew to prefer life that way.

Having been home-schooled up until this point, enrolling in a public high school was rather strange for the girl but it didn’t take long for her to adjust to the new environment and social norms. Her charismatic and outgoing nature caused people to gravitate toward her and she was able to attract a number of friends over the years.

In sophomore year, Willow began to come to terms with a realization she had about herself. While all her friends were head over heels with boys, she was starting to look at girls in the same way that most of her friends looked at boys. It wasn’t something that she was ashamed of and soon came out to her friends and family, most of them accepting it. Those who weren’t accepting of it were pushed out of her life and viewed as no loss.

In junior year, Willow began watching Youtube videos about hauntings and paranormal occurrences and decided to make her own Youtube channel dedicated to debunking famous cases of paranormal stories. Her channel skyrocketed rather quickly and people at school began to think of her as a minor celebrity.

A skeptic by nature, she wanted to disprove everything but there was a part of her that wanted to believe all the stories her father told her weren’t just tall tales. She wanted there to be more to life than what was displayed at face value.

When she graduated high school, her Youtube channel became her full-time job and she had massed about 1.3 million subscribers.

Now that she’s been transported to this strange town, she’s trying to ignorantly remain a skeptic and believes that this is all a fucked up dream. But, is also spiraling into an existential crisis.

RANDOM FACTS

She likes dying random streaks into her hair frequently

Survives on coffee alone

Gay as hell and has no shame when it comes to hitting on random girls, even though most of her lines are lame

Queen of pop punk music

This video defines her

[electricbluebutterflies]

too much and not enough

Or, this was going to be Garcy smut but then SOMEONE decided to have a minor existential crisis. PG13-ish (some clothing gets shed but nothing’s really acted on) and also on ao3.

It barely feels real, looking at her. So long he's waited and hoped, never once assuming these desires could become anything at all, but something snapped and lines have been crossed and she is here in his space and he knows where it will end if she allows him. A dark miracle, every second they're together, and he knows.

He worries she will turn to dust if he puts his hands on her. Perhaps that would be easier than any other fate.

For now, she waits for him to move. First time since he met this version of her that Lucy hasn't taken control of their dynamic, and it feels wrong. Like she is sacrificing her fire in exchange for things she said she wants, like she is about to use him as one more failed way of numbing her pain.

Worst part is, he's not even sure if that bothers him.

Innocent touch has been one thing. They've learned that well these last few months as they've drifted closer to each other, to a point where he has become well acquainted with the details of her body without meaning to. She's half his size and her hands are always cold, and she ends up on top of him when they fall asleep together on his bed as they've been doing more and more lately and it has been hell. There have been a few mornings Flynn has been very thankful he wakes up well before she does, countless cold showers, and thousands of undesired thoughts. None of which are enough to make him push her away, mind - she has done everything of her own free will, to whatever extent her recent emotional state allows her, and-

Fuck. This is a terrible idea. She's a beautiful bouquet of damaged and not thinking clearly, and he can't afford to ruin her, and-

As if sensing all of this, Lucy decides she's been patient long enough and crosses the distance and kisses him with a force he should be less surprised she's capable of. And oh, it's so easy to lean down to make it more comfortable, to tangle his fingers in her hair and take just as she does. She tastes like sadness, but there's a certainty as she pushes against him, like maybe he's wrong about why she's making these choices.

He is well aware he's cursed, haunted by the terrible way everything he's cared about has been torn away from him. By loving her, he damns her. By wanting her, he damns her. By slipping his hands beneath the hem of her shirt and swallowing the noise she makes as they rest for a moment on her waist, he damns her.

He will not speak until this is over. If he opens his mouth to do anything but cover her skin in kisses, he will make himself too vulnerable and give the gods permission to take this one too. He will likely still say those things at some point tonight - ideally later, once she is sound asleep beside him, and ideally in a careful combination of several languages she doesn't understand. Not right now, not like this. For now, his hesitation is a request for permission and her wordless sounds are his answer. If he does something catastrophically wrong, he trusts her to stop him. Until then…

Again she gets impatient, pushing him away just long enough to remove her shirt. She is unclothed beneath it, and he rests his hands on her waist again and looks at her, imprinting each detail in the most sacred parts of his brain. Already he is overwhelmed, already he wonders if he could stop now. She would understand if he did, would not think any less of him for it. But no, he doesn't know when they might get this kind of time and aligned moods again and he knows better than to-

"You could… do things. If you wanted."

She's scared. Oh heavens, she's scared and he wraps his arms around her and there is time, they can do this slowly, they can pause for as long as she needs, he can keep her safe, he can-

No, the brutal voice in his mind reminds him. Remember how well that went last time. All those promises made and look where that got him. Lucy is strong but she is still human, still something that could and will be hurt now that he's gone and gotten attached to her.

And she knows. And she wants him anyways. And he should hate her for it, should push her away before the fire burns even brighter, but he can't.

"Or we could stop," she murmurs, though she sounds less than pleased with the idea. "I'd be okay with that."

Of course she puts him into a situation where he has to use words. For a moment, he almost hates her.

"Is that what you want, Lucy?"

"Right now, yes. You're freaking out about me taking my shirt off and… do not look at me like that. I can feel it."

Being yelled at, it turns out, feels different with her so close. Too much and not enough, Flynn thinks, and he doesn't want to let go of her but he's the slightest bit worried she might find some new impulsive thing to do - maybe she'll kick him, he doesn't think he bruises anymore but she might find a way - and-

"I feel safe with you," she continues. "And I want to find out how far that goes. But not with you like this. Not with you convinced you're going to break me."

"That is not the concern."

"Then tell me what is!"

He takes a deep breath, steadies himself against her. "I… I can't sacrifice you like this."

To his surprise, she laughs. He feels more than hears it as she buries her face against his chest, like she knows that's an inappropriate reaction but she can't stop herself. "I should've known," she mutters, and the eye-roll is implied. "I should've fucking known."

"Hmm?"

"You are so lost in your scars that you haven't… have you thought, at all, about why I might want you?"

This seems like an appropriate moment to let go of her, so he does and steps back and shifts his body for maximum eye contact. This, too, he will never forget. Lucy is practically glowing, arms quickly crossed over her breasts, that look in her eyes that he suspects he alone has ever fully understood and perhaps only he has even seen. So much life in her, so much beauty. He can't ruin that, he can't-

"It's not desperation," she continues once she decides they're sufficiently positioned. "I don't… I don't use sex to solve my problems. I got over that instinct a long time before I met you. It's more… you treat me like a human being, and I know it's fucked that I should consider that a reason to be with someone and please don't start telling me I deserve better… it's more… you like me. I tried to ruin your life, for reasons that ended up being wrong on my side, and you still like me. I'm not sure if that's masochism or just insanity, but I like it."

"So you want me because I'm useful to you?"

"Not useful," she hisses. "More than that. You make me make sense. I don't know if I can explain beyond that."

She doesn't need his fire to destroy and remake her, he thinks. She's burning just fine on her own.

"I'm not sure how that extends to…"

"I like you, and I trust you, and I'd like to find out what it's like to be with someone who actually wants me. Is that enough to make you calm down?"

It is, he decides as he crosses the distance and kisses her, but it doesn't mean they'll go as far as seemed likely ten minutes ago. Not tonight, not with all of these things they both need to process. Soon, but not tonight.

"I need time," he murmurs. "Can you give me that?"

"Yes."

"Can we pause here?"

"Of course."

He feels like he ought to apologize for his hesitance, but he trusts that she understands. Too much and not enough, the both of them, all of this. Too much and not enough, always.

They stand together for what feels like a very long time, and it occurs to him that he will be that much more protective of her now that they have begun to cross physical lines together. Whether or not he is cursed, and whether she is by consequence of what they are becoming, is irrelevant. She is important to him, this tiny woman who fits so perfectly against him, and he will do what he can to keep her safe. He always has, but-

"We could cuddle on the bed?" she suggests.

And it feels right to lie down and wrap his body around hers, and he decides that he will not lose her too. He will die before he lets that happen. No more tragedy, only life.

"I do want you," he murmurs, kissing her forehead because he can do that now and it feels normal and good.

"I know. Timing isn't right, but we'll get there. I'm not worried."

They'll get there. He's definitely worried. He'll get over it. Eventually. Maybe.

[truthbeetoldmedia]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x02 “Hitchcock & Scully” Review

What made Hitchcock and Scully become Hitchcock and Scully? Maybe it’s not a question you’ve ever asked yourself, but it’s a question the latest episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, titled after the two questionable heroes, seeks to answer.

For two peripheral characters — who I always thought were the show’s take on the lazy, doughnut-eating pigs stereotype about cops — Scully and Hitchcock been steadily developed over the past few seasons, becoming something more than caricatures. More than once, we see their rusty detective skills put to good use, and the ease and speed with which they can solve a case when they choose to do so always shocks their younger counterparts.

It’s not that Hitchcock and Scully are bad cops. In fact, they were once very good cops (as of Season 4, Hitchcock held the precinct record for most arrests). It’s just that they’ve left those days behind and desire nothing more than to work from their desks and coast to retirement.

An episode focused around Hitchcock and Scully probably wouldn’t have worked in early seasons. It’s only because the seeds for their past have already been laid and their esteem in the eyes of the audience has gone up in recent years that it works now.

The premise for the meat of the episode is this: Scully receives a call from Internal Affairs regarding a closed case he and Hitchcock worked back in 1986. Fearing that this is a move by the new commissioner to dig up dirt on his squad as part of their ongoing battle, Captain Holt assigns Jake and Charles to look into the case as well, and make sure that the commissioner doesn’t manipulate the facts in order to discredit two of Holt’s detectives.

For the first time, this pits members of the squad directly against each other (and it’s not even the only storyline of the episode to do so, but I’ll touch on that later). I think this show does best when it focuses on external conflict instead of internal squabbles, but there is so much to this storyline other than Jake and Charles vs Scully and Hitchcock that this time, the show pulls it off.

First: the juxtaposition of Young Hitchcock and Scully with Present Hitchcock and Scully. The casting of the younger counterparts of the two cops is perfect; between the mannerisms and the dialogue, it’s possible to see glimpses of the Hitchcock and Scully we’re familiar with in the hotshots, while still struggling to connect the young with the old. (Did anyone else have a minor existential crisis about the inevitable reality of aging? Just me?)

Setting Jake and Charles as the two cops on this case was extremely purposeful, I think — especially since Jake, at least, is still something of a young hotshot cop. In Young Hitchcock and Scully we see shades of Jake and Charles, which then leads us to thinking about what their own future looks like.

Second: this episode reminded me strongly of “House Mouses”, the Season 3 episode where Jake accidentally gives Hitchcock and Scully a case involving a huge drug ring, and he and Terry have to save them. Hitchcock and Scully may contain multitudes, as Jake himself observes, but they’re still...Hitchcock and Scully.

Briefly, Jake and Charles are led to believe that Hitchcock and Scully are actually bad guys (not a hard conclusion to come to, after being locked inside a smelly sex van), before learning that for the past 30 years they’ve actually been protecting one of their informants, Marissa — who works at Wing Slutz, Hitchcock and Scully’s favourite restaurant.

But Holt learns from the commissioner that Hitchcock and Scully aren’t actually under investigation by Internal Affairs — it was actually the drug boss whom they put away on that case 30 years ago who called Scully, fresh out of jail and looking to be led to the informant who put him there. (It isn’t hard to believe that Scully would fall for this ploy, since he’s previously fallen for at least twenty email scams.)

Hitchcock and Scully may have stolen a duffel bag of cash, but they gave it to their informant — who also happens to be the crime boss’s wife — since their captain at the time refused to put her in Witness Protection. They go to Wing Slutz so often because they have a code by which Marissa can let them know if she’s in trouble, but also because the wings are really good. They decide to strap buckets of “slut sauce” to their torsos in lieu of bulletproof vests, and then put their lives at risk taking a bullet for Marissa.

To repeat: Hitchcock and Scully contain multitudes, as does every other character on this show. The brilliant part of this episode is that the deep dive into their past doesn’t contradict anything we’ve been shown on screen in the five previous seasons, but rather enhances what was already there and gives the audience a deeper appreciation for these characters.

I wasn’t as happy with the B-plot of this episode. With the fourth floor still overcrowded after the first floor of the precinct got shut down, Amy is together with her old squad once again — but now her allegiance has changed, as her loyalty is to her uniformed officers.

Tensions are running high due to the lack of space, reminiscent of the episode where the Nine-Nine is forced to share their precinct with the Nine-Eight — except this time, it’s Amy vs Terry and Rosa.

I mentioned above that I’m not a fan of conflict between the main characters on this show. In the A-plot it worked, because Jake and Charles were investigating a past version of Hitchcock and Scully and had to realize just how much of their past — and by extension, their present — they weren’t familiar with. In the B-plot, it comes off as more contrived, since it’s only been a matter of weeks since Amy was moved downstairs, and I don’t see her instantly going to war for her new squad against Terry and Rosa instead of working with them to find a solution for everybody.

And yeah, I get it, families fight, especially when pushed into crowded and stressful circumstances. But that doesn’t mean I like watching it.

At least there is a reconciliation at the end, as both Amy and Holt realize that there are things more important than the lines they’ve drawn in the sand, namely the lives of people they care about as they go to rescue Jake, Charles, Hitchcock, and Scully from their sticky situation.

For Holt, earlier in the episode he’d put aside the comfort of his squad for the sake of his war with the commissioner. In retaliation for the closing of the precinct’s first floor, Holt plans on doing an interview during which he’ll call out John Kelly’s “vigilant police” policy for the backwards and discriminatory policy it is. While Holt’s heart is doubtless in the right place, such an interview would only fan the flames.

Speaking of John Kelly, the commissioner himself shows up this episode, a grandfatherly looking man who speaks threats with a smile on his face. He makes the skin crawl, which was no doubt exactly the intention.

As much as I already hate him, I hope we see lots of him this season. It’s been awhile since Holt last had a nemesis, and his rivalry with Madeline Wuntch in Season 2 was absolutely one of the highlights of that season. Holt can throw down.

In the end, Holt misses his interview to rescue Jake & co. (Gina does it in his place, and is a disaster). A common theme in this show is that people are more important than ideals, which is a nice message, I think. (*cough* 800,000 unpaid federal workers.)

Holt also promises to stop allowing his squad to be collateral damage in his war with the commissioner, so hopefully things return to normal soon. I like seeing Amy back with the squad again, but not at the cost of her fighting with them.

Footnotes:

“You’re fake news! Sad!” “Yup, that’s the language of the innocent.” I gasped.

“I’m not an idiot just because I have a heart.” I love Charles, and I love his optimistic naivety. I’m glad the small subplot regarding Nikolaj’s half-brother had a happy ending, too; not only does it validate Charles’ optimism, but in a world where it’s hard to trust things you find online, it’s good to know that some people don’t have malevolent motives.

So can we expect to get at least one bleep an episode now? I can’t even decide which squad member I want to swear next. (Amy, because she’s well-known for using words like “frickin” and “hoot”? Holt, because it would absolutely shatter his emotionless facade? Rosa or Gina, because it wouldn’t feel the least out of character coming from either of them?)

“My wife and my dad are here!” 1) I love Jake calling Amy his wife. 2) I love Jake calling Holt his dad. 3) The smile and wave Amy gave Jake is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

“I do give a hoot. I give a hoot about all of you.” Unlike Jake, I dearly hope that this “hoot thing” continues all season.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 9/8c on NBC.

Sam’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝.5